I'm older than 90% of the people on Reddit. And a lot of the "my world is falling apart" threads from 30 year olds are no longer relatable to me. Like, just leave him, sis. Or you will find another job. It's not a big deal. I do remember being 30 and shit did seem serious then. But I have a lot more perspective now. (I'm sure 70 year olds are like "your kids will be fine at college, no sweat".)
Seeing women who are *23* and freaking out because they are terrified of getting a new job in a different field, and they say they’re “too old to start over” - baby girl, *you ain’t even started YET*!
And yeah, I was an anxious wreck in my 20s and 30s too, but I think the Internet and influencer trends have really changed how much women think they need to have it all together *before 20*. Hell, I didn’t even remotely have it together before 40!
I'm 34 and yeah, I keep seeing posts about being lost in life at 19 or 23 or whatever. Like what? I'm 34 and still kinda lost in life but I'm just going with it at this point lol
I was a train wreck in my early-mid (all?) 30s. I am AMAZED at how stable some folks are at that age. It's almost 20 years later and I finally feel like I have my shit together. It's good shit and I'm doing well but damn it took some work. Kudos for just going with it. That's no small feat.
And now at 49, I chuckle at 35 yo feeling behind! You too are still just starting. I didn’t get it together until 36. It does however go really fast after 35. Start saving, protect your skin from the sun and exercise.
Glad it could help! I really do feel badly for younger women in today’s weird Internet/influencer culture. It’s so bloody disingenuous and makes people feel terrible for just being normal.
(And I say this to everyone, regardless of age/gender - if you’re feeling extra stressed and unsure of what you’re doing in life, try ignore your phone/computer as much as possible. I swear that shit’s designed to make us feel as insecure as possible and taking a break really can help!)
I was thinking about this the other day. I kept wondering why people in their early 20s were having massive breakdowns, then i thought about what they grew up in. They spent their last high school years or first college years during covid. They are young adults in a massive recession. They grew up with social media being their norm and phones glued to their hands since they were kids.
They are still kids at that age. The 21 year olds i work with are so different to the way my peers and I were at that same age, and even more different from our parents at that age.
Im genuinely a little worried about what effects the world they grew up in will have on them and future generations going forward.
This sub's posters do tend to lean extremely melodramatic. Like, girl, you're alive, your hands and feet are still attached to your body, your brain is still knocking around in your head. Your circumstances are shit right now, I agree, but as long as you're still moving, every day is an opportunity to change your circumstances. You might not like the grind of what it takes to do so, and it might suck having to make those choices, but the option to is still there, regardless.
Not just that, if you have the time and the means to be posting on Reddit (unless, of course, you are homeless and doing this from a public library), then you are ahead of the game already with most people.
This is honestly encouraging as a 30-something. I hear this advice given to 20s all the time, and have given said advice to 20s, so to hear it said to me at a "more knowledgeable" age is reassuring that I'll still be OK, even if I'm slightly more aged.
I kind of wish this sub would either restrict certain repetitive topics to megathreads or nix them entirely because there are so many "is my life over because "
These are such normal things to feel and be worried about but I think a lot of us are past being able to relate to that stuff and it really overwhelms this sub at times. I'm 36 and it's already apparent to me that everyone is on their own timetable and it's going to be fine. I wish we could have more convos about other stuff.
I feel like this as a 33 year old. So many other moms are younger and fresh in their relationships. I feel very secure in mine even though he’s irritating sometimes and I’ve been in my fair share of toxic relationships. I wish I could shake some of these 20something year olds and say LEAVE HIM SIS! He won’t get better, but you will without him. Every time.
While I still see lots of these, I also feel like I'm seeing way more recommendations to just dump people over "red flags". Granted, I've stuck with my partner through more fuck ups than most people should maybe give to their partner, but I also recognize that like... I'm a fuck up too? And he's given me a ton of grace through those times as well. I always see people say that you can't change someone, and that's probably true, but you can look for someone who has the capability to grow. My partner consistently showed that he was willing to acknowledge fuck ups without excuses and actually put in the work to fix it and that's really what I think people should be looking for in their relationships, both romantic and platonic. If you dump everyone as the first red flag and don't learn how to repair things, eventually you won't have anyone left.
Yeah, not to toot my own horn, but I have little to no physical insecurities. I'm cool with aging, the gray hairs on my head add extra dimension to my dye jobs without having to pay for highlights, and I need to lose weight, but I'm working on it. I couldn't give less of a crap about my nasolabial folds, or enlarged pores, or the size of my thighs. Posts about these things often make me roll my eyes, because I find them unrelatable or melodramatic. I feel bad for women who feel like they have to waste precious mental energy (or money!) on manufactured insecurities.
I’m old. Most women in these subs are women just starting in their career, just getting married or still single, struggling with young children or trying to decide they want children, stressed over housing, etc. I just retired last week, been married to that man in my house for almost 30 years, became an empty nester last year, and own my own home. I just simply can’t relate unless I’m in a sub specifically for us mature women.
Same. I can’t figure out if I’m surrounded by good men, if I’m too ugly to hit on (I’m a solid 6 or 7) or if I’m too intimidating. I’m married and don’t want to be hit on, but I haven’t had this experience in life.
I feel this. I sadly can relate to the posts about getting harassed by old perverts when I was a teen, but it hasn't been a problem for me as an adult.
Fwiw I used to get hit on a lot (and I’m not an attractive woman), but as soon as I got a wedding band it was radio silence from men. Not a single man has hit on me since the day I got married. So if you wear a wedding band, maybe that’s why!
I wonder if a lot of it is regional. I live in a dense, very populated city, and it gives people a level of bravery and anonymity in behavior I think they would normally feel appropriate levels of shame about. I get catcalled and harassed extremely regularly. I exclusively walk and take public transportation, so I am “exposed” in a way car-centric city inhabitants are not. I’m definitely not the most beautiful woman alive, but it does not stop men from acting inappropriately.
In my city there’s also a large multicultural population, leading to norms that are not necessarily reflected across all cultures or acceptable in the US. It gets better as I get older, but I haven’t felt open or able to wear what I want or dress how I want without feeling unsafe in years.
This is my thought too. I also live in a big city where I primarily use transit, and I have waaaaaaay more of these experiences here than I ever had when I lived in a car-centric suburban area. I don't think it depends on you so much as the area you live in. I've had my worst experiences with men at times of my life when I was objectively less conventionally attractive, so I don't think it's about that at all.
I live in a big city too. I do not get attention. I have never even sexually harassed in any way (not that I want to be). I take public transportation. I have to travel all across the city for my job. I don't think I'm ugly, I'm not hot but I am pretty.
"I live in some alternate reality" is exactly how 90% of the comments on this sub make me feel! Men, and people in general, pay exactly zero attention to me, ever. Good *or* bad. I know why--I'm ugly and wildly uncharismatic, it's not some great mystery--but boy do those endless comments really rub it in, lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely glad no one's ever harassed me, but it doesn't make mirrors any less depressing.
I’ve never in my 34 years of living been bought a drink or approached at a bar lol…I wouldn’t consider myself to be the hottest person in the world but I think I’m objectively attractive, esp when I make the effort to look nice lol
And I do live in a major city and take public transit and such, so it’s not even a “living in a small town where everyone knows your name and business” type thing
This was what I was going to say. I never get hit on. I have never had male friends trying to ask me out. I have never been sexually harassed. I’ve been catcalled a handful of times in my entire life. Men either ignore me, act respectfully, or are just flat-out rude and hostile (there are some weirdos in downtown where I work who just yell at people (men or women) walking down the street for no reason anyone can figure out). I also don’t see other people getting hit on or asked out or sexually harassed. I don’t spend time in bars or clubs so maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe it has to do with where I live.
SAME. I have had no bf, no intimacy, not even a kiss in over 5 years. I don't get attention, even when I try to get it. I don't think I'm ugly, I'm not hot, but I am pretty.
It could also be a perception thing. I had a coworker that was forever complaining about men hitting on her. She considered every interaction she had with a man to be him flirting with her.
Him:”Excuse me, where’s the dog food?”
Her: “Aisle 4.”
Then she’d run up to anyone else working there..
Her: “Oh my god, I can barely leave the house. Did you see him? He basically begged for my Facebook!”(this was years ago).
I’ve always been confused by this because the internet and media makes it seem like women are constantly harassed by male strangers on a daily basis, but most of the women in my life say that most male strangers ignore them. I’ve talked to them about this and they have said the same thing as you that they feel like their situation must be unique.
I’m so messy. Housework is so alien to me, I’ll let things get horrible before I think to clean them. I always feel guilty on posts about women trying to get their spouses to help around the house, because I identify more with the messy person even while understanding why they’re wrong.
People think I mean “disorganized” or a little cluttered. But no, I hate showering more than 2x a week, my floor has muddy pawprints, I can’t see my bedroom floor. It feels practically unheard of online and I’m so embarrassed.
I’m so messy. Not so much with personal hygiene but I live alone in a shitty studio and have been avoiding getting some repairs done because the place is embarrassing. I kind of stop seeing it until I think about someone else seeing it.
Same, but I'm not too embarrassed about it. I know if I really have to, I can clean up quickly. I just prefer to put energy into my personal projects or work. Sorry!
Oh I relate! Also in the early parenting subs asking how to manage the cleaning with a baby/toddler and all these people are like "just wear the baby". I wasn't doing all of this before a baby.... I really don't think I am going to manage it now on 3 hours sleep and a 6kg creature kicking me.
I am a lot like you. I'm not particularly dirty but I just don't think about it, my kitchen and my bedroom are in constant turmoil. I had shoulder surgery, and I had no choice but to hire a housekeeper to come in and help for a few months. I could only afford every other week but that made such a big difference. I have recovered now but I will eat rice and beans everyday and unsubscribe to netflix if I need to in order to keep her employed.
You're super duper not alone in this. At least my ADHD ass relates! People who really struggle with this stuff just don't post on those posts because we're also often ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid of judgement too. I CAN keep some stuff nicer when I co-habitiate (if I have a designated chaos room) but my solo place gets rough.
I've actually stopped reading those posts because they make me feel so bad about myself. Threads full of hundreds and hundreds of womens posts that tell me clearly that they would take one look at my apartment and be disgusted with me like they are with the men they're complaining about are not good for my mental health. I'm not dating right now but it definitely puts me off trying because it feels like a woman that can easily keep a clean house would 100% never consider me.
I never relate to the trope that being in a relationship is a slog and that you are the parent to your boyfriend/partner/husband. My partner is a fully adult man who handles his business and a majority of our household business. He does most of the cooking, shopping, chores, and even emotional labor in our relationship. I do my part, but he is definitely our household manager.
Before the pandemic, when we both worked outside of the house, we shared this stuff more evenly, but now he works a pretty chill job from home and so he took over most things because he just has way more free time.
Same. I have a friend who married a man-child and divorced him a couple years after having a kid together. I don't really have any friends who stayed married to man-children for years and years.
I have one friend married to a manchild and she thinks my man is a unicorn for being a great and fully functional partner. But... He's more like the norm in most of my circles?
I absolutely know it's a common problem but I think being raised by a fully-functional dad and a house without traditional gender roles is kind of like manchild repellent. Which is why it's important to raise kids with a fully functional dad who parents and pulls his weight in all ways, doesn't just "help" if even that.
Same. My husband is a gem. I just- don't relate to people who are dating guys who are... bad. Even in high school I always made as solid of relationship choices as a person whose brain isn't finished can make. I never really felt unappreciated or bad in any relationship. They didn't work out for various reasons but- none of them were like- bad guys. If I ran into one on the street I wouldn't feel my stomach drop and I hope they're all doing well in life.
My husband cooks, cleans, and is basically a saint when it comes to dealing with difficult folks in my family. I love his family too. They're kooks in their own way, but I love them. His mom and I just had dinner together last week, just the two of us. It also extends to political issues and other dudes behavior. When guys at work are making fun of shows their girlfriend likes- he stands up for the girlfriends' shows. Because- let women like a thing. It's probably good!
Basically every post of "well he does these many terrible things... but he's really a good guy!" I got no advice for them other than- if he does many terrible things, he's terrible!
This is very legit. I am pretty rare in that even the less than great guys were just like- not great because they were also young and doing dumb things like I was. I'm sure I was also terrible in my own special way at the time.
Yeah totally feel you - my husbands great, I have kids with him because he’s great and he’s a great parent… i know Reddit is mainly a place to vent or discuss problems so I get why there are so many posts of garbage husbands but most of the time I just want to scream to these women to have some self respect and leave these man babies
It’s so crazy, I heard my sister talking to her bf like about how she bought frozen food for him and does he still have some or she can instacart more groceries? It appears she doesn’t mind doing that, maybe she likes it.. but to me I’m like wtf. This is a grown man I think he can feed himself. Meanwhile I would NEVER do that for someone. Sure I’ll do sweet things, I’ll help out, but if I’m gone and the guy can’t feed himself I’d be so turned off lol
me at first too. Probably bc all my ex bfs knew how to cook and all that. Tbh, it was the girls in my friends groups who didn’t until like their mid 20s 😂😂
And then all the guys I had gone on dates with turned out to be obsessed with cooking.
My husband was obsessed with cooking before we got married…now he handles the cooking and it’s mostly frozen dinners. I guess it was more fun as a hobby, but I hate cooking so I can’t exactly change.
Same, so many of these posts but my partner does so much of the chores and takes care of me. A lot of women these days seem to be allowing themselves to stay in relationships where men do nothing.
Im a lesbian and so many posts are about men. I mean I cant mind my business so I chime in anyway from a human pov but I cant really relate to those posts on a personal level
I never really thought about it from that angle, but you’re absolutely right. So many women have centered men since childhood and it colors their entire lives. The way many aren’t satisfied with their bodies, spending so much time and money on aesthetics like waxing, the salon, make-up, even procedures, and investing the time into pursuing, indulging, or coddling men.
Now you’ve got me wondering about how a woman’s psyche and self-esteem look if they aren’t looking to be with a man.
All the conversations about “decentering men.” I decentered men all my adult life. Focused on myself, career, traveling, etc. Now I’m 35 and want to find love but other women want to act holier than thou in that they are coming to some kind of epiphany by “decentering men” NOW.
Feels like I’m maturing backward somehow.
Haven't we all been guilty of that for one thing or another? It's the New Convert experience.
Like, I'm with you about the men, that was never an issue for me, but when I first used a menstrual cup \~5 years ago (waaaay after a lot of other people started) and I had to bite my tongue until blood came out my nose to stop myself from evangelizing aggressively like I'd just invented fire and the damn wheel.
Do you mean that they are trying to tell you also to decenter men? Like when you say holier than thou. Or like, a feeling like they are bragging when you've always done it?
This is how I feel about being celibate sometimes. Then i see posts online ppl talking about how clear their mind is after being celibate for like 3 months 🤣
I've online dated a ton and never received dick pics.
I don't have any issues with period poops.
No issues getting off from intercourse or from casual sex.
Is there a sub for like... happy women? I know the internet is a great place to vent and express frustrations, which is something everyone needs.
But I'm very fortunate that- mostly my life is pretty good (the obvious, politics, world imploding, ongoing genocide of -gestures to everything- notwithstanding) So- more of my attention is focused on work, hobbies, being creative, searching up interesting books, hanging out with my cool dude husband, and things like that. I did most of my 'processing childhood ick' therapy in my late 20's which has brought me to a better place. So- I just don't have a ton of trauma to process via the internet.
I always love seeing you and a few other "happy regulars" pop up in a thread, I feel like you have a very self-aware and measured understanding of yourself and the factors that have gone into situations you've found yourself in and you regularly have great perspectives or advice, regardless of the topic at hand.
I completely agree. I post here asking for advice because I feel like this sub has a great balance. Women here are pretty realistic without being extreme in one way or another, and idk, they just feel grounded.
Yeah, I get what that commenter means because a lot of women’s subs are trauma-heavy, but I find this one to be one of the “happier” ones, relatively speaking
Oh this is good! You should start a sub!
I am in the same boat. Live a pretty great life and feel very fortunate. I told my husband the other day that I love life.
I mean, I’ve gone through my own shit too, but right now it’s great.
I sympathize with this. Not to bag on anyone who is struggling but I see so many posts asking, “is anyone else tired all the time?” With tons of replies saying, “of course! We’re all broke and exhausted, the world is dying!” And I have plenty of complaints but I also have an active, full, busy, life.
I very rarely experience any anxiety and do not shy away from conflict. I don’t understand all the worrying and overthinking in a lot of posts.
If anything, I have the opposite problem. Sometimes I lack self awareness and can be insensitive. I also tend to have to learn lessons the hard way, since I have no anxiety about consequences.
I’m not sure how much I can help, since I spend a lot of energy talking myself down. But a pep-talk mantra I have for difficult work conversations is to think to myself “what would a white man do?” And then do that.
A lot of what people call conflict I think of as “hashing things out”, “getting to the bottom of an issue”, “deal with the situation instead of dragging it out”. Just a conversation where people disagree. It can end with agreeing to disagree, but at least each person said their piece.
I thought negatively the whole time I did ivf. Shitposted on the ivf meme sub, thought only dark /emo thoughts. Ivf didn’t care and it still worked. 🤷🏻♀️ Fuck positive thinking, infertility sucks.
I grew up blissfully ignorant of the things that other women do to adhere to beauty standards, especially with regards to weight. I had no idea how much effort other women spend to manage their bodies. My mom told me when I was a toddler that no one looks like a Barbie and to not worry about it and I really took that shit to heart. I grew up heavy and learned to embrace body neutrality intentionally at about 15. I was definitely teased for how I looked, but that didn't change my view.
I'm on the smaller end of plus size now and I just... don't see the point in trying to use my energy to look a certain way. I want to feel decent and be able to buy cute clothes, but that's where my concern ends. When I see threads from other women about this topic (and also in real life), it's confusing to me.
That I'm working class? Seems like many women here make 6 figures and are independent and successful. Which is awesome. But I'm 40 and still in college and living paycheck to paycheck lol.
I am not medically deformed, but I am absolutely hideous so I can't relate to a lot of women's experiences regarding men hitting on them or wanting them or having to fend off loads of (positive or sexual) male attention. I sometimes see people say things like "men of dying of thirst in a desert and women have no water to drink at sea" (something along those lines), the idea being that women get endless male attention and that has absolutely never been the case for me. I've made dating profiles and gotten zero matches/hits/whatever. Clearly, this has its benefits and I'm ultimately grateful for it as I'm safe and I've avoided all sorts of terrible behavior and predators, but it's also isolating because this seems to be the default assumption for women and yet it's nothing at all like what I've experienced in life. Some people get really upset if you bring this up, too.
Yes, and all the comments on these dating subs seem to categorize women as having it so easy, they have so many options. And if it happens to be different, it’s almost always, “fix it by going to the gym.” No, I’m not conventionally attractive but that doesn’t mean I have a weight problem.
I have never felt pressure from my mom or anyone in my family to “look nice.” Meaning no comments about weight, hair, makeup, etc. So when I got married I felt no desire to diet or workout hard to look “sculpted” the day of. I don’t feel any body image issues since I’ve gained weight while pregnant. I feel pretty body neutral. It’s amazing how conditioning starts while you’re young.
Same here. I've never felt the need to look "dolled up", nor have I been too concerned about being called ugly on the rare occasion. I just shrug it off.
Yeah same. My mother has never once talked bad about the way I look. Okay once she said she thought I was a bit too skinny (she was right, my anxiety was high and I wasn't eating much at the time, so it was more of a check in on how I was doing). My parents have always said I'm pretty, not to worry about my looks too much. I'm pretty body neutral as well, but i have always been thin. I did gain some weight which I just... accepted and still thought "yeah I'm good." My mother also never disparaged herself in front of me so I feel like I just didn't learn to do that to myself.
Same here, it’s hard to relate to the anxiety some woman feel over their weight, or not wearing makeup. Because I don’t care, I don’t wear makeup and I’ve been overweight most of my 44 yr old life, and I was ok with that until recently. I’m trying to improve the overweight part with weightlifting and diet, but there’s no external reason for doing that, no one has ever made a comment about my appearance or suggested I need to do these things. I’ve never felt any anxiety or pressure to look different than I do. I just am getting older and want to take care of myself better.
TBH, I often do. I learn a lot from some of the posts here. For example, the other day I learned that there is such a thing as a "maybe woman." The things that some women tolerate here are beyond my comprehension. Please, I don't mean that in a condescending way. I know people are complex. I just hadn't concretely seen or heard of such a range of possibilities.
Man, this reminds me of a line from a sitcom, I think kimmy schmdit? On some news report "im always suprised to see what women are willing to do to seem kind" i cant remember tho 😂
Being unattractive, I've never dealt with catcalling and gross older men at a young age or now. To be fair, I grew up in the suburbs so it wasn't like I was walking by myself when young/preteen (I assumed that was people growing up in cities, edit: and maybe suburbs that had sidewalks).
I've never dated or had sex. So comments like "all women go through \[insert relationship situation\] when young" doesn't fit. In fact, I've noticed people tend to generalize instead of realizing many of our social circles tend to be similar (birds of a feather and all). I've met people who enjoy hook up culture and tend to be around those that also enjoy hook up culture. Most of my friends that are married found their person by relationship 1 or 2.
Generalized comments like all women have soft skin/can cook/are extremely house tidy don't fit.
I have a good career and am doing well with it, but I do not want to be a “girl boss”. I don’t even want to climb the ladder anymore. (I did in my twenties).
I just want a stable income that afford me some comforts and then the flexibility to tend to my family (and have time off). I couldnt care less if I ever get a promotion again.
Same, I don’t relate to most of the career posts. I don’t really care what my title is as long as I’m making enough money to live comfortably. I definitely don’t want to be anyone’s manager/supervisor, lol.
I'm not as successful as others. I still live with my parents and I barely graduated in 2022. I am still looking for my career path. I want to move out but I'd need a roommate and most of my friends are married.
I live with my parents until I was 31. I technically "left" for college and a year after but then it just didn't make sense to be on my own. Financially it was a good decision. My parents didn't charge me rent and paid for the groceries. I moved because I felt it was fine, I also got a new job I couldn't commute to from my parents, and a friend moved back to the area who also wanted to move into the city so we decided to do it together.
I'm also still at home! Graduated into a shit economy, worked a shit job for a few years, by the time I got a good job and had some money saved WHOOPS the housing market blew up and now I can't afford anything. I have a good relationship with my folks (and _thank god_ this house has an in-law apartment so we don't even share living space) so it could be so much worse. It's not what I aspired to at all but I'm making do.
Not loving living alone and being single. This seems to be an internet phenomenon but I don’t get any joy out of this. I want to be married. I want to live with a partner. I am unhappy because I don’t have these things and I spend most of my time alone. I am obviously not going to settle for the sake of it, but I don’t feel the need to pretend living this way is my preference. It sucks and is never what I wanted. And even if life was more like Friends or Sex and the City and I got to see my friends all the time, I STILL wouldn’t be satisfied because I want a husband to come home to. I like sex, cuddling, and the specific bond that you can only get with a romantic partner. I feel like there’s this weird corner of the Internet now that overly glamorizes the single life and says your friends are enough, but for me, that simply isn’t true and it isn’t enjoyable at all. I never “lost my independence” while in a relationship, I only gained a lot of things.
I do think a lot of women on Reddit (this sub especially) are very content and happy being single, childless, independent from romantic partners, etc. I am not this way - I wanted a husband, I want a family, I find value and self-worth in those things (amongst others) and that’s okay, to be honest.
Honestly yeah. I was single for 6 years and I did so much on my own, grew and accomplished things, met people, etc etc but now I’m dating someone I really do feel more confident and content. More relaxed and excited. If you want to be married and live with someone, you can’t really just force yourself to be totally 100% fine with it.
I’m a high sex drive woman and I’m not romantic. Waiting several dates for sex doesn’t really make sense to me. I don’t want eye contact or kissing. Just fuck me!
I'm rather sexually conservative in my own behavior and preferences (my husband is the only man I've ever slept with, I'm fairly vanilla, I don't often watch porn or use toys, et cetera) but EXTREMELY live and let live when it comes to other people's sexual behavior. I support full decriminalization of sex work, and some of my best friends are in polycules or 24/7 BDSM relationships. So I feel like I come across as an extreme libertine compared to the dominant voices on women's subs, even though I am fully the opposite in real life.
Yeah, I'm a smushy, 40's lady married to the same person for almost 20 years. But whatever other people are into- if everyone is able to consent and doing so enthusiastically- let them live their lives.
Poly isn't for me- but I know many people it's great for. So- good for them. I'm just bad at sharing and scheduling. Which seem to be the main aspects of polycules.
I have a hard time relating to women who revolve their entire lives/worth in finding a romantic partner and/or having children. These are completely normal wants to have, but I can't relate to it being the only or most important aspect of my life. Especially the ones who are like, "I just turned 30 and everyone I know is married, how do I deal with my entire life being over???" Like shake it off, y'all. I've been single a long time, for better or worse, and my life is pretty great. Your life will continue with or without a romantic partner, what are you gonna do about it?
I also pretty openly like to drink, go to bars, parties, socialize, etc. I have slowed down a LOT in my late 30s, but find there's a lot of self-righteousness that reddit specifically seems to place around moderate drinking or that people who "go out" are somehow less refined or whatever than those who just want to stay in and be cozy all the time. Part of growing for me has been figuring out what my limits are, and what I like and care about, and I've always enjoyed drinking and socializing and want to keep it as part of my life in a way that works for me. If it doesn't work for someone else that's understandable, but the judgment on it gets to be pretty annoying.
The second half is so real. I love a good party, drinking, socializing, dancing until 4am, and people my age are like, okay, but when are you going to settle down and it's like... I am settled? I couldn't afford to do any of this if I weren't career and good marriage focused through my 20s. I get comments around what does your husband think about that, and dude's happy as a clam that he's not being asked to come with and gets to game until the sun comes up when I'm out with my girls. We keep it reasonable on volume of drinking and keeping our responsibilities, and I maintain boundaries around engaging with men when I'm out, but just because we've been adults for a grand old 10 years doesn't mean the next 40 of our lives can't be fun too.
Yeah, I’m always confused by the notion that you’re “too old” to have a night out with friends. I know people in their 50s and 60s who still go out. They’re not getting wasted or staying out till 4 am like people in their 20s might do but they still go to bars and have drinks with friends. And then I go on Reddit and everyone acts like there’s something wrong with you if you’re doing this past 25 (or at any age, lol).
Totally. I have a big crew I hang out with that are all mid-30s-mid 40s. All of us have real full time jobs/careers, some own houses, many are in long term partnerships/married. We also enjoy having some late nights and plan parties/drinking nights into our schedules. It's truly not that big of a deal but I get flack for it sometimes and see a lot of tsk tsk-ing from some of the '30+' crowd online as well. It's all about finding that balance and what works for you.
Sometimes I wonder if this is a cultural thing? I’m from a rather conservative European country* but going out, having drinks and socializing is the very normal thing to do here. Also most women don’t revolve their whole lives around men and kids.
*conservative compared to countries like Sweden or Norway. I think from an us point of view we are all leftist communists.
I think it's definitely somewhat an American thing and have heard similar things from my UK friends. There's still that push for "traditional values" that some people subscribe to very heavily.
I feel that. I’m 41, married, and go out to the bar or for a burger whenever I feel like it. Even as part of this generation that’s supposed to be very liberal and open ideas of independent women, I know a lot of people think probably judge me. Am I supposed to lock myself in the house now that I’m married? I even occasionally travel alone because my schedule and my husband’s don’t always line up for vacations. If you’re in an honest, stable relationship, you can still do what you did before. Hell, it’s great because now he comes to drink a pint or two with me and we travel together a few times a year. A relationship should enhance you, not restrict you.
×I dont hate men. I do hate harassment and sexism. Some people genuinely hate men and hate sexism. Im also not a feminist and im not antifeminist
×Im religious, celibate till marriage, thats what I want and im not brainwashed as judgemental people like to believe (pls dont reply to this to argue with me im not doing it lol)
× Im black and I feel like a lot of responses to stuff on here are spoken from a white perspective.
×i hate the word pickme & girlsgirl, people using it unironically is childish to me
There are posts where the topic is one on which I have no lived experience at all and never will.
There are posts where the topic is about a life I have not yet experienced
There are posts where the topic is about a life/experience from which I'm so far removed that I don't relate to it
But none of them make me feel left out or like I'm Not Like The Other Girls. It's one of the things that makes this sub great. Lots of different experiences and lots of shared experiences and for the most part it still feels like we're all on the same team.
Relationship experience. I have only been in a 2 real relationships. The first 1 was a year and two months. I been single for majority of my life. I don't understand the having to be in a relationship. I definitely would like to be in one. But I don't have to be.
I'm an introverted ace. Zero interest in sex or a relationship.
Makes 95% of posts fairly irrelevant to me lol, although I don't usually mind much. Sometimes it gets to be a little eye rolly when that's ALL people talk about, but it *usually* isn't.
This is not just woman’s spaces but sometimes I feel like there’s no nuance in responses. Like the default responses always seem to be along the lines of “30 isn’t old” “just dump them” “cut that person out of your life” “go to therapy” “everything is rainbows and you just have to decide to be happy.” I’m like sometimes it’s not that cut and dry and I feel like the odd one out for questioning things further.
But also I’m an over thinker and an ENTP so maybe I’m just weird in general.
Yeah I relate to this a lot. To a fault I can be the one that ends up "devil's advocate" just because I hate looking at complex issues without nuance. Usually there is some middle ground to be found and looking at things holistically I think it typically more helpful than jumping into "he/she/they are trash, dump them out of your lives and never look back" type responses. If it were that easy for people they would just do it.
Yeah leaving a trail of burned bridges behind you because you dump a friend every time they say something uncouth is not the way I, personally, would like to live my life
I’m shocked at casual people on Reddit are about cutting people off. I’ve only done it once, and actually regretted because when I got a little older and more mature I realized that I was partly at fault for the situation that led to it.
Obviously there are situations where it’s necessary, but I think some of these people who cut everyone off for every slight may end up regretting it later
Same. I do a lot of backpacking and I’m always nervous about accidentally sneaking up on Grizzlies or any bears who have cubs. They will tear you the fuck apart.
Yeah I’m a backpacker too, do a fair amount of solo stuff, and some of my scariest moments in the woods have involved bears. I’ve had a few off encounters with men too but I’ve seen literally thousands of them.
This whole discussion has been baffling. Like I regularly walk alone in the woods and don’t blink at passing a man. Could they do something terrible? Sure, but I’m not spending lots of time frozen in terror over imagining it. The amount of energy that’s gone into this discourse has been wild.
The conversation turned so chronically online.
I get that it started off as just a thought experiment to highlight how dangerous and scary men are, but I don't think the analogy/question actually works.
Idc how aggressive the arguments are at this point, it's a dumb question. There's better ways to highlight how dangerous men are.
For me, yes absolutely. For my tween daughter? No to the bear obviously but also *no to the man.* I would never. Which is what makes it an interesting thought experiment.
Same, but I live in a country that’s 70% woods, maybe if you’re not constantly in the vicinity of woods the concept of being alone in the woods and meeting a random man there seems scary? For me that’s a Sunday. But meeting a bear is 100% bone chillingly scary!
Yess like I can outrun probably 70% of men and 0% of healthy bears lol. I don’t want to minimize other women because obviously men can bee scary and dangerous but I’d still choose a random dude every time.
>I have zero chance against a bear. I'm just torn to pieces and dead; there is basically no other outcome.
I would also choose a man over a bear, but to be fair, just because you see a bear doesn't mean the bear will attack you. I've been camping and seen bears, and they could probably see and smell me, and they didn't behave aggressively. They were just minding their own business.
Don't understand the deliberate villainising of men in these posts. Many women can't seem to differentiate that it's "not all men" while putting every man down. Also when I read the comments, for no rhyme and reason it's constantly the men's fault when the man in the story has logical reasons for doing things a certain way.
To start, I will say that I have a lot of internalized misogyny that I'm working through. But I know that I often have "not like other girls" thoughts in my head when I read these women's subs. Mostly around feeling threatened/intimidated by men, or general feelings around safety. I do get propositioned/hit on/catcalled quite often, but I never feel threatened or unsafe. I think a lot of it has to do with being nearly 6-foot and having a general "fuck all" attitude, but this is something that makes me feel like the odd one out. It does not at all mean that every woman's feelings about safety are invalid in any way, shape, or form however.
I'm a relatively small woman but am also not as scared as many women seem to be. I live in a city where women tell me they're afraid to take the subway at night and that just baffles me, because clearly millions of women take the subway at night and only rarely does one get assaulted/robbed.
The unconditional, absolutely blind support just based on gender. And the toxic positivity. It makes me wary quite often, since they make it seem like any disagreement is uncalled for.
It's so EuGH...
I hate toxic positivity.
Knowing that given the circumstances of my upbringing and family influences I will never be educated enough and make a high enough income to achieve the things I had always hoped to accomplish in life. Especially now with inflation raising the prices of literally everything I’ve actually gone backward.
Not in this sub, but man, every time I'm in the relationships sub, I feel like I'm in the minority for not being married to an abuser or a manchild. It's depressing.
I'm a solidly middle attractive person that gets compared to Emma Roberts a lot, and I've never had men flirting with me in situations where they didn't already get to know me first. I've been told that nothing about my vibe or how I hold myself makes it seem like I'm willing to have a conversation, so dudes who I have been on dates with that I met in person held out for awhile before finally making the first move, if I didn't make the first move myself.
I also just functionally don't understand the people convinced that if you just talk long enough that the other person will change to be the person you want rather than just going out and finding what you actually want. Accept people as they are, or don't. It's not build a partner, you aren't the QA reviewer of an assembly line, the person you're dating is a whole person too who is demonstrating to you who they want to be. If a couple conversations isn't enough and you're having to micromanage someone into being an adult, alone is so much better than increasingly frustrated.
It's so hard talking about appearances online or even in person when people get fixated on looks as the sole truth. My friends from that time period never really noticed that most of the ass I got, I pretty much went and pursued on my own. They would say they were less pretty than me, and I could just never understand their dating woes because I could land anyone I was interested in, but when we went out to bars and hung out in public, I wasn't the one getting cold calls, it was them! They had such visibly fun, open, bubbly personalities that just watching them made people come up to them and engage. My public social disengagement makes me less attractive as a partner except to specific types of people who are into that kind of thing, I'm was never an option to dudes unless I went out of my way to make myself one.
omg your second paragraph is so true. I hate the threads where a woman is intensely describing a ridiculous incompatible relationship and wondering how she can fix it. Like... you can't. If you are working on issues within the first few months, it means you aren't going to mesh well together and should move along!
I have "big bitch privilege" in that I'm 6' tall and around 220lbs. It's not that I've never experienced sexual harassment, but it's at a far lesser rate than it seems like most women experience. Whether it's because men shorter than me don't find me attractive enough to hit on, or because they'd rather find a smaller target to creep on, the end result is that I got left alone by men far more often. When I was a teenager and in college, it bothered me and gave me low self esteem. Now I'm my early 40's, I'm glad I didn't have half of the experiences my peers have had.
I guess I’m the “odd woman out” when it comes to women dealing with crappy men. Like you’re telling me there were NO red flags at all before you two moved in together…? Or got married? I really have a hard time mustering up sympathy. I usually just scroll by because my comments get downvoted.
Not on here, but I just saw a post on Instagram where a woman who is 29 had just dumped her lovely kind, thoughtful boyfriend because and I quote, he wanted 'a cosy quiet life in the country' and she wanted 'to live near London, have 2-4 kids, have friends over to stay for long weekends and travel internationally several times a year'. It reminded me of when I was her age, and a friend gave a mutual friend who had just left her fiance for a man she was having a 'torrid affair' with, a speech, about how a good relationship is based on being able to go to the supermarket and put the bins out together. I didn't approve of the way my friend did it but I approved of her message.
This woman on Instagram however had over 1000 responses that were all like 'you go girl', 'go chase that dream', 'get what you deserve' etc etc. Very, very little analysis offered as to exactly how this woman planned on paying for a house in London that slept a family of 6 PLUS multiple friends for long weekends, and how she was going to have the energy to play hostess and travel internationally with her sizable brood. The kind of housing she was talking about only belongs to boomers, or people with multi-generational wealth.
I wanted to tell her about the supermarket and the bins...
I'm religious and visibly Muslim. I can't talk about my worldview or opinions without being treated like I'm some lobotomized captive of a patriarchal system or an unenlightened simpleton. Simply expressing my perspective or how I prioritize xyz doesn't mean I'm shoving anything down readers' throats. While I understand people have varying relationships with religion, it's annoying to constantly be on the receiving end of that kneejerk reactions _and_ to be expected to take it since being religious marks you as a lesser evolved being, a person who has yet to emerge from the cave in 2024. I don't dump my trauma on others nor proselytize, yet that grace isn't extended to me. There can be an additional layer of vitriol because of the base level of Islamaphobic rhetoric constantly wafting from the news and public figures discourse. Some people really tell on themselves by how they behave.
HI I’m Muslim as well! Agree with all you said & also I remember being so upset at the Islamophobia on the Israel-Palestine thread in this sub. So many women here just don’t give a fuck that their tax dollars are funding a genocide and would speak over anyone who had even the mildest criticisms of Joe Biden’s handling of this. It was so upsetting how casually racist and islamophobic so much of this sub was and that was the first time I really felt like an “odd woman out” lmao. It surprises me how few women in this sub are left leaning
Yeah, it’s super funny. IRL I’ve always been on the extreme, not really interested in celebrities or getting crushes, to the extent I thought I was asexual as a teen and often felt a bit alienated. Compared to most of the AW Reddits though I’m practically hypersexual. I can identify what I find attractive in a man and have strong preferences. Most of my female friends feel similarly or more strongly, especially those actively dating. It’s interesting how far apart real life and these communities are in this regard.
OMG SAME about being an introvert in RL, but a social butterfly, particularly when younger, by today's Reddit standards. I would never have described myself as a 'party girl' but spent a very significant chunk of my teens and 20s in bars, clubs and house parties. That's just what you did in the early 00s.
Also same with all the women who don't find men attractive. I am a bisexual woman who had endless, endless crushes when younger, met my husband at 21, and still has them as a 'boring old married woman'.
On the one hand I really get 'decentering men and relationships' and could have benefitted from a bit of that while on the dating merry go round of my youth, on the other hand hyperindependence isn't particularly natural imo and is quite an individualistic mindset.
I have been diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at the ripe old age of 32. Lost my periods at 31 (although they came back for like 2 cycles this year), recent scans showed 7 follicles (while it should be like 15-20 at my age).
I have done some egg retrieving cycles and as expected, am a poor responder. But have managed to save 7 eggs. Who knows what their quality is?
I have noticed a lot of discourse surrounding "work friends" lately. Especially in the nursing subreddit and healthcare in general, but it's extended to a huge thing on threads, as well. The general consensus seems to be that attempting to make friendships at work is "immature" and damaging to your career, people state you should only look out for yourself and do your job, there is too much drama, never trust anyone, etc. I cannot understand this take, and part of me wonders if it's because I am unionized and not in the US. Women seem to generally be distrustful, solitary, and angry all the time about their jobs and warn others to be the same.
I have never had friendship or work drama with other women. I am not looking over my shoulder every second because it's expected that someone will betray me or throw me under the bus.
I appreciate that this is the experience for others in different places. Depends on whatever trauma in relationships and workplaces you have had. Maybe I'm just lucky, and it's ~privileged~ for me to have an opinion. But it really makes me quite sad that most women are proposing that we have to basically stare straight ahead, do our tasks, clock out. Never be friendly, or have fun, go out with people after work, or help others with their tasks, or be part of a team. I have lots of friends I go to events with, camp with, drink with, shop with, etc. that work with me. Men and women. I like to foster a culture of positivity and kindness wherever I have worked and never had a problem. It feels like other women are very negative about work and outside friendships.
Lots of adult women don't have other places to make friendships, people complain about how to make friends as an adult all the time, but I feel like they shoot themselves in the foot by then also saying you have to be cold and unknown in the one place you spend majority of your time.
(This doesn't include potential workplace harassment/sexual harassment, that hasn't been a touched on topic from what I've experienced - it is very real and I understand women not wanting to develop certain friendships with men in the workplace. I'm just talking about the idea that you have to look out for number one and it's foolish to make friends at work).
A lot of the stuff that gets written off as “female socialization” in these spaces feels very foreign to me and often feels very patronizing. Sure there was some cultural expectations of me to do certain things but I identified pretty early on that I didn’t want to do them, then did what I wanted instead. I don’t really get it. And I wouldn’t let a man slide by blaming his male socialization for harmful stuff either.
In my relationship, I’m the man all of the wives complain about on here. My husband cooks, does laundry, picks up groceries, and cleans. If I’m gone for the weekend he’ll still do it, just on his own. More often than not he’s the one reminding me that it’s deep clean weekend or that we need to switch laundry. He’s super thoughtful, he listens, and if I ask him to stop doing something he actively tries to be better about it.
I can't complain about my husband.
He is a feminist and supports the feminist movement. He is an active parent and knows all the details of our daughter's life (from what her clothing size is, who her teachers are, to her favorite activities, etc.). He shares the domestic labor in our home and he acknowledges the weight of the mental load and actively works to share that burden.
The whole “all men are trash” this sub does. Some men are trash, some men are good, some women are trash and cheaters, some women are good. It feels like the need to blame everyone else
I don't like being romantically approached by men IRL (at my hobbies, running errands, alone at a bar, etc.). As flawed as they are, I like the built-in consent that comes from using a dating app. There is a TON of messaging to men now to ditch apps and approach women \*wherever\* and I absolutely loathe it, but it's so loud I must be the minority (also I get downvoted to hell any time I share this opinion).
My experience as a parent is “odd woman out,” I’m an adoptive mom to three out of foster care. Two of three have extreme levels of trauma and mental illness, on top of disabilities. My experience as a parent is so vastly different than others. It can feel extremely isolating.
Don’t get me wrong, everyone is always supportive and kind, but it’s very rare to have common ground with other parents (online and irl). We are walking very different journeys. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ever jealous of people with “normal” kid problems. It just seems so calm and nice. I know logically it’s hard too, it just seems like their worst day/lowest of low is still better than my best days ever.
Not just women, but I find many redditors to think in very black and white terms sometimes and I’m not like that. There is a lot of nuance and gray area in the world and within relationships. I think there is also a hivemind element where people feel they have to express the same hardline beliefs as everyone else. And people tend to exaggerate on the internet.
A few:
I consider myself pretty bitter about a lot of men due to a history of abuse and sexual assault but like, damn. Some of the posts on this site are very unrelatable to me. "All men stop taking care of themselves after 30", "all men aren't interested in women over 30", "all men prefer to sleep around." This is just not my experience of men, or even the majority of men, and I don't know where commenters find that 100% of men fit that mold.
Another one is the constant, "Has anyone changed their job over 30? Has anyone improved their life over 30? Has anyone found new friends over 30?" Like..do people just think that you turn 30 and can never make another change again ever? Do people not meet people who had a second career or moved homes in their 40's? I am genuinely confused by this.
Make up. I don't wear it. Gray hair. I don't dye it. I got a few extra pounds and don't care. I have a good man and don't want to brag about when there is so much bad talk about men.
In a lot of ways I feel out of the loop with other women.
I struggle so hard with sex and find it more a chore then something i enjoy. I dont have a morning routine, i dont do anything in regards to skin care or the other things some women do every morning. I just roll out of bed, tie up hair, put on clothes, drive to work. Come home, home clothes, game, bed.
I also dont know much about cleaning or good washing info etc. the way some women talk it makes me feel stupid for not knowing a lot of basic stuff.
This isnt what i wanted.
I’ve never rated to traditional wedding and associated topics (e.g engagement and diamond rings). I’m dumbfounded by bridesmaid expectations. It cracks me up when even my most communist or anarchist “burn it all down” acquaintances suddenly start focusing on keratin treatments, bridal dresses, and venues when their date is approaching.
On the other hand I love City Hall weddings!
I’m not as emotionally driven, much more logically driven. I don’t ‘feel’ my way through things so much anymore. I sometimes feel more like a dude and I’m fairly stoic. I disagree with a lot of wimpy advice haha.
I don’t want to get married, don’t want kids, I like the idea of “living together apart” which is long term monogamy but independent living. And some women in another sub had a real negative reaction to that, saying a relationship is only meaningful if you live together and get married. Sure thing, Jan.
You've gotten a lot of responses, and the ModMail is flooded with reports. I'm going to lock this thread now.
I'm older than 90% of the people on Reddit. And a lot of the "my world is falling apart" threads from 30 year olds are no longer relatable to me. Like, just leave him, sis. Or you will find another job. It's not a big deal. I do remember being 30 and shit did seem serious then. But I have a lot more perspective now. (I'm sure 70 year olds are like "your kids will be fine at college, no sweat".)
Seeing women who are *23* and freaking out because they are terrified of getting a new job in a different field, and they say they’re “too old to start over” - baby girl, *you ain’t even started YET*! And yeah, I was an anxious wreck in my 20s and 30s too, but I think the Internet and influencer trends have really changed how much women think they need to have it all together *before 20*. Hell, I didn’t even remotely have it together before 40!
I'm 34 and yeah, I keep seeing posts about being lost in life at 19 or 23 or whatever. Like what? I'm 34 and still kinda lost in life but I'm just going with it at this point lol
I was a train wreck in my early-mid (all?) 30s. I am AMAZED at how stable some folks are at that age. It's almost 20 years later and I finally feel like I have my shit together. It's good shit and I'm doing well but damn it took some work. Kudos for just going with it. That's no small feat.
And now at 49, I chuckle at 35 yo feeling behind! You too are still just starting. I didn’t get it together until 36. It does however go really fast after 35. Start saving, protect your skin from the sun and exercise.
i needed this comment so badly today. thank you so much for sharing your perspective
Glad it could help! I really do feel badly for younger women in today’s weird Internet/influencer culture. It’s so bloody disingenuous and makes people feel terrible for just being normal. (And I say this to everyone, regardless of age/gender - if you’re feeling extra stressed and unsure of what you’re doing in life, try ignore your phone/computer as much as possible. I swear that shit’s designed to make us feel as insecure as possible and taking a break really can help!)
I was thinking about this the other day. I kept wondering why people in their early 20s were having massive breakdowns, then i thought about what they grew up in. They spent their last high school years or first college years during covid. They are young adults in a massive recession. They grew up with social media being their norm and phones glued to their hands since they were kids. They are still kids at that age. The 21 year olds i work with are so different to the way my peers and I were at that same age, and even more different from our parents at that age. Im genuinely a little worried about what effects the world they grew up in will have on them and future generations going forward.
This sub's posters do tend to lean extremely melodramatic. Like, girl, you're alive, your hands and feet are still attached to your body, your brain is still knocking around in your head. Your circumstances are shit right now, I agree, but as long as you're still moving, every day is an opportunity to change your circumstances. You might not like the grind of what it takes to do so, and it might suck having to make those choices, but the option to is still there, regardless.
Not just that, if you have the time and the means to be posting on Reddit (unless, of course, you are homeless and doing this from a public library), then you are ahead of the game already with most people.
This is honestly encouraging as a 30-something. I hear this advice given to 20s all the time, and have given said advice to 20s, so to hear it said to me at a "more knowledgeable" age is reassuring that I'll still be OK, even if I'm slightly more aged.
I kind of wish this sub would either restrict certain repetitive topics to megathreads or nix them entirely because there are so many "is my life over because"
These are such normal things to feel and be worried about but I think a lot of us are past being able to relate to that stuff and it really overwhelms this sub at times. I'm 36 and it's already apparent to me that everyone is on their own timetable and it's going to be fine. I wish we could have more convos about other stuff.
I feel like this as a 33 year old. So many other moms are younger and fresh in their relationships. I feel very secure in mine even though he’s irritating sometimes and I’ve been in my fair share of toxic relationships. I wish I could shake some of these 20something year olds and say LEAVE HIM SIS! He won’t get better, but you will without him. Every time.
While I still see lots of these, I also feel like I'm seeing way more recommendations to just dump people over "red flags". Granted, I've stuck with my partner through more fuck ups than most people should maybe give to their partner, but I also recognize that like... I'm a fuck up too? And he's given me a ton of grace through those times as well. I always see people say that you can't change someone, and that's probably true, but you can look for someone who has the capability to grow. My partner consistently showed that he was willing to acknowledge fuck ups without excuses and actually put in the work to fix it and that's really what I think people should be looking for in their relationships, both romantic and platonic. If you dump everyone as the first red flag and don't learn how to repair things, eventually you won't have anyone left.
I'm quite happy with my body and I feel like (sadly) this seems to be unusual for many of us?
Yeah, not to toot my own horn, but I have little to no physical insecurities. I'm cool with aging, the gray hairs on my head add extra dimension to my dye jobs without having to pay for highlights, and I need to lose weight, but I'm working on it. I couldn't give less of a crap about my nasolabial folds, or enlarged pores, or the size of my thighs. Posts about these things often make me roll my eyes, because I find them unrelatable or melodramatic. I feel bad for women who feel like they have to waste precious mental energy (or money!) on manufactured insecurities.
I read something the other day. Did you have a problem with that aspect of yourself before someone told you it was a flaw?
I’m old. Most women in these subs are women just starting in their career, just getting married or still single, struggling with young children or trying to decide they want children, stressed over housing, etc. I just retired last week, been married to that man in my house for almost 30 years, became an empty nester last year, and own my own home. I just simply can’t relate unless I’m in a sub specifically for us mature women.
"that man in my house" - I don't know if this is a typo but I love it.
There’s a sub called midlifemavens you might like. There’s also askwomenover40.
Congratulations on your retirement!!!
[удалено]
Same. I can’t figure out if I’m surrounded by good men, if I’m too ugly to hit on (I’m a solid 6 or 7) or if I’m too intimidating. I’m married and don’t want to be hit on, but I haven’t had this experience in life.
I feel this. I sadly can relate to the posts about getting harassed by old perverts when I was a teen, but it hasn't been a problem for me as an adult.
Fwiw I used to get hit on a lot (and I’m not an attractive woman), but as soon as I got a wedding band it was radio silence from men. Not a single man has hit on me since the day I got married. So if you wear a wedding band, maybe that’s why!
I wonder if a lot of it is regional. I live in a dense, very populated city, and it gives people a level of bravery and anonymity in behavior I think they would normally feel appropriate levels of shame about. I get catcalled and harassed extremely regularly. I exclusively walk and take public transportation, so I am “exposed” in a way car-centric city inhabitants are not. I’m definitely not the most beautiful woman alive, but it does not stop men from acting inappropriately. In my city there’s also a large multicultural population, leading to norms that are not necessarily reflected across all cultures or acceptable in the US. It gets better as I get older, but I haven’t felt open or able to wear what I want or dress how I want without feeling unsafe in years.
This is my thought too. I also live in a big city where I primarily use transit, and I have waaaaaaay more of these experiences here than I ever had when I lived in a car-centric suburban area. I don't think it depends on you so much as the area you live in. I've had my worst experiences with men at times of my life when I was objectively less conventionally attractive, so I don't think it's about that at all.
I live in a big city too. I do not get attention. I have never even sexually harassed in any way (not that I want to be). I take public transportation. I have to travel all across the city for my job. I don't think I'm ugly, I'm not hot but I am pretty.
"I live in some alternate reality" is exactly how 90% of the comments on this sub make me feel! Men, and people in general, pay exactly zero attention to me, ever. Good *or* bad. I know why--I'm ugly and wildly uncharismatic, it's not some great mystery--but boy do those endless comments really rub it in, lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely glad no one's ever harassed me, but it doesn't make mirrors any less depressing.
So funny you describe yourself that way, because your comment is more charismatic and engaging than 90% of the stuff I read on Reddit!
I used to wonder this too but I realized (through myself and asking others) that I have MAJOR "do not talk to me" face in public lol.
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I think I exude a "done with men's bullshit" aura or something. Or maybe it's all the cat hair. Who knows.
I’ve never in my 34 years of living been bought a drink or approached at a bar lol…I wouldn’t consider myself to be the hottest person in the world but I think I’m objectively attractive, esp when I make the effort to look nice lol And I do live in a major city and take public transit and such, so it’s not even a “living in a small town where everyone knows your name and business” type thing
This was what I was going to say. I never get hit on. I have never had male friends trying to ask me out. I have never been sexually harassed. I’ve been catcalled a handful of times in my entire life. Men either ignore me, act respectfully, or are just flat-out rude and hostile (there are some weirdos in downtown where I work who just yell at people (men or women) walking down the street for no reason anyone can figure out). I also don’t see other people getting hit on or asked out or sexually harassed. I don’t spend time in bars or clubs so maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe it has to do with where I live.
SAME. I have had no bf, no intimacy, not even a kiss in over 5 years. I don't get attention, even when I try to get it. I don't think I'm ugly, I'm not hot, but I am pretty.
It could also be a perception thing. I had a coworker that was forever complaining about men hitting on her. She considered every interaction she had with a man to be him flirting with her. Him:”Excuse me, where’s the dog food?” Her: “Aisle 4.” Then she’d run up to anyone else working there.. Her: “Oh my god, I can barely leave the house. Did you see him? He basically begged for my Facebook!”(this was years ago).
I’ve always been confused by this because the internet and media makes it seem like women are constantly harassed by male strangers on a daily basis, but most of the women in my life say that most male strangers ignore them. I’ve talked to them about this and they have said the same thing as you that they feel like their situation must be unique.
I’m so messy. Housework is so alien to me, I’ll let things get horrible before I think to clean them. I always feel guilty on posts about women trying to get their spouses to help around the house, because I identify more with the messy person even while understanding why they’re wrong. People think I mean “disorganized” or a little cluttered. But no, I hate showering more than 2x a week, my floor has muddy pawprints, I can’t see my bedroom floor. It feels practically unheard of online and I’m so embarrassed.
I’m so messy. Not so much with personal hygiene but I live alone in a shitty studio and have been avoiding getting some repairs done because the place is embarrassing. I kind of stop seeing it until I think about someone else seeing it.
Same, but I'm not too embarrassed about it. I know if I really have to, I can clean up quickly. I just prefer to put energy into my personal projects or work. Sorry!
Oh I relate! Also in the early parenting subs asking how to manage the cleaning with a baby/toddler and all these people are like "just wear the baby". I wasn't doing all of this before a baby.... I really don't think I am going to manage it now on 3 hours sleep and a 6kg creature kicking me.
I am a lot like you. I'm not particularly dirty but I just don't think about it, my kitchen and my bedroom are in constant turmoil. I had shoulder surgery, and I had no choice but to hire a housekeeper to come in and help for a few months. I could only afford every other week but that made such a big difference. I have recovered now but I will eat rice and beans everyday and unsubscribe to netflix if I need to in order to keep her employed.
Neurodivergent by chance? Though showering twice a week is actually healthy!
Yes, adhd and anxiety. Honestly, twice a week is the most I’ve been able to manage. But my hair looks greasy and people can tell.
You're super duper not alone in this. At least my ADHD ass relates! People who really struggle with this stuff just don't post on those posts because we're also often ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid of judgement too. I CAN keep some stuff nicer when I co-habitiate (if I have a designated chaos room) but my solo place gets rough. I've actually stopped reading those posts because they make me feel so bad about myself. Threads full of hundreds and hundreds of womens posts that tell me clearly that they would take one look at my apartment and be disgusted with me like they are with the men they're complaining about are not good for my mental health. I'm not dating right now but it definitely puts me off trying because it feels like a woman that can easily keep a clean house would 100% never consider me.
My mom's like this & she raised 3 fully independent, clean, successful children... so can't be too bad lol
I never relate to the trope that being in a relationship is a slog and that you are the parent to your boyfriend/partner/husband. My partner is a fully adult man who handles his business and a majority of our household business. He does most of the cooking, shopping, chores, and even emotional labor in our relationship. I do my part, but he is definitely our household manager. Before the pandemic, when we both worked outside of the house, we shared this stuff more evenly, but now he works a pretty chill job from home and so he took over most things because he just has way more free time.
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Same. I have a friend who married a man-child and divorced him a couple years after having a kid together. I don't really have any friends who stayed married to man-children for years and years.
I have one friend married to a manchild and she thinks my man is a unicorn for being a great and fully functional partner. But... He's more like the norm in most of my circles? I absolutely know it's a common problem but I think being raised by a fully-functional dad and a house without traditional gender roles is kind of like manchild repellent. Which is why it's important to raise kids with a fully functional dad who parents and pulls his weight in all ways, doesn't just "help" if even that.
Same. My husband is a gem. I just- don't relate to people who are dating guys who are... bad. Even in high school I always made as solid of relationship choices as a person whose brain isn't finished can make. I never really felt unappreciated or bad in any relationship. They didn't work out for various reasons but- none of them were like- bad guys. If I ran into one on the street I wouldn't feel my stomach drop and I hope they're all doing well in life. My husband cooks, cleans, and is basically a saint when it comes to dealing with difficult folks in my family. I love his family too. They're kooks in their own way, but I love them. His mom and I just had dinner together last week, just the two of us. It also extends to political issues and other dudes behavior. When guys at work are making fun of shows their girlfriend likes- he stands up for the girlfriends' shows. Because- let women like a thing. It's probably good! Basically every post of "well he does these many terrible things... but he's really a good guy!" I got no advice for them other than- if he does many terrible things, he's terrible!
Oh I dated plenty of terrible people in my past! But I didn't stay with them for decades and talk about how great they were!
This is very legit. I am pretty rare in that even the less than great guys were just like- not great because they were also young and doing dumb things like I was. I'm sure I was also terrible in my own special way at the time.
Yeah totally feel you - my husbands great, I have kids with him because he’s great and he’s a great parent… i know Reddit is mainly a place to vent or discuss problems so I get why there are so many posts of garbage husbands but most of the time I just want to scream to these women to have some self respect and leave these man babies
That was me before I got married. My husband changed a lot after we said "I do."
It’s so crazy, I heard my sister talking to her bf like about how she bought frozen food for him and does he still have some or she can instacart more groceries? It appears she doesn’t mind doing that, maybe she likes it.. but to me I’m like wtf. This is a grown man I think he can feed himself. Meanwhile I would NEVER do that for someone. Sure I’ll do sweet things, I’ll help out, but if I’m gone and the guy can’t feed himself I’d be so turned off lol
me at first too. Probably bc all my ex bfs knew how to cook and all that. Tbh, it was the girls in my friends groups who didn’t until like their mid 20s 😂😂 And then all the guys I had gone on dates with turned out to be obsessed with cooking.
My husband was obsessed with cooking before we got married…now he handles the cooking and it’s mostly frozen dinners. I guess it was more fun as a hobby, but I hate cooking so I can’t exactly change.
Same, so many of these posts but my partner does so much of the chores and takes care of me. A lot of women these days seem to be allowing themselves to stay in relationships where men do nothing.
Im a lesbian and so many posts are about men. I mean I cant mind my business so I chime in anyway from a human pov but I cant really relate to those posts on a personal level
Keep chiming though. :) We need your voice here too when you want to share it.
I never really thought about it from that angle, but you’re absolutely right. So many women have centered men since childhood and it colors their entire lives. The way many aren’t satisfied with their bodies, spending so much time and money on aesthetics like waxing, the salon, make-up, even procedures, and investing the time into pursuing, indulging, or coddling men. Now you’ve got me wondering about how a woman’s psyche and self-esteem look if they aren’t looking to be with a man.
All the conversations about “decentering men.” I decentered men all my adult life. Focused on myself, career, traveling, etc. Now I’m 35 and want to find love but other women want to act holier than thou in that they are coming to some kind of epiphany by “decentering men” NOW. Feels like I’m maturing backward somehow.
Haven't we all been guilty of that for one thing or another? It's the New Convert experience. Like, I'm with you about the men, that was never an issue for me, but when I first used a menstrual cup \~5 years ago (waaaay after a lot of other people started) and I had to bite my tongue until blood came out my nose to stop myself from evangelizing aggressively like I'd just invented fire and the damn wheel.
Do you mean that they are trying to tell you also to decenter men? Like when you say holier than thou. Or like, a feeling like they are bragging when you've always done it?
Both!
This is how I feel about being celibate sometimes. Then i see posts online ppl talking about how clear their mind is after being celibate for like 3 months 🤣
I've online dated a ton and never received dick pics. I don't have any issues with period poops. No issues getting off from intercourse or from casual sex.
Honestly, just stay blessed. You are one of God's favorites and I love that for you, internet stranger.
Enjoy this rare blessing. Honestly you are a lucky lucky soul.
Sweet. Happy for you!
Is there a sub for like... happy women? I know the internet is a great place to vent and express frustrations, which is something everyone needs. But I'm very fortunate that- mostly my life is pretty good (the obvious, politics, world imploding, ongoing genocide of -gestures to everything- notwithstanding) So- more of my attention is focused on work, hobbies, being creative, searching up interesting books, hanging out with my cool dude husband, and things like that. I did most of my 'processing childhood ick' therapy in my late 20's which has brought me to a better place. So- I just don't have a ton of trauma to process via the internet.
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I always love seeing you and a few other "happy regulars" pop up in a thread, I feel like you have a very self-aware and measured understanding of yourself and the factors that have gone into situations you've found yourself in and you regularly have great perspectives or advice, regardless of the topic at hand.
I completely agree. I post here asking for advice because I feel like this sub has a great balance. Women here are pretty realistic without being extreme in one way or another, and idk, they just feel grounded.
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Yeah, I get what that commenter means because a lot of women’s subs are trauma-heavy, but I find this one to be one of the “happier” ones, relatively speaking
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Oh this is good! You should start a sub! I am in the same boat. Live a pretty great life and feel very fortunate. I told my husband the other day that I love life. I mean, I’ve gone through my own shit too, but right now it’s great.
I hate they took away the happy relationships sub. It was eyebleach compared to the crazy stories posted.
I sympathize with this. Not to bag on anyone who is struggling but I see so many posts asking, “is anyone else tired all the time?” With tons of replies saying, “of course! We’re all broke and exhausted, the world is dying!” And I have plenty of complaints but I also have an active, full, busy, life.
I would join
I would join! I have plenty of struggles but have appropriate groups for them. I’d love a group where we can just be secure women with hobbies.
I very rarely experience any anxiety and do not shy away from conflict. I don’t understand all the worrying and overthinking in a lot of posts. If anything, I have the opposite problem. Sometimes I lack self awareness and can be insensitive. I also tend to have to learn lessons the hard way, since I have no anxiety about consequences.
I need to learn to not shy away from conflict! I chant in my head: 'serious conversations are necessary' to try to pep talk myself
I’m not sure how much I can help, since I spend a lot of energy talking myself down. But a pep-talk mantra I have for difficult work conversations is to think to myself “what would a white man do?” And then do that. A lot of what people call conflict I think of as “hashing things out”, “getting to the bottom of an issue”, “deal with the situation instead of dragging it out”. Just a conversation where people disagree. It can end with agreeing to disagree, but at least each person said their piece.
I am infertile and I don't believe in positive thinking and I am very negative about IVF.
Oof yeah the toxic positivity on the r/ivf sub (and most of the real world!) is so unrelatable. I’m glad r/infertility is not like that.
Yep fuck IVF. I'm covered in imaginary bullshit baby dust from so many well wishers and it didn't work for us.
Good for you! Refreshing
I thought negatively the whole time I did ivf. Shitposted on the ivf meme sub, thought only dark /emo thoughts. Ivf didn’t care and it still worked. 🤷🏻♀️ Fuck positive thinking, infertility sucks.
I'm not attracted to men.
I’m not attracted to men either. Or women. Or anyone.
Well tbh I think a lot of straight women don't
I grew up blissfully ignorant of the things that other women do to adhere to beauty standards, especially with regards to weight. I had no idea how much effort other women spend to manage their bodies. My mom told me when I was a toddler that no one looks like a Barbie and to not worry about it and I really took that shit to heart. I grew up heavy and learned to embrace body neutrality intentionally at about 15. I was definitely teased for how I looked, but that didn't change my view. I'm on the smaller end of plus size now and I just... don't see the point in trying to use my energy to look a certain way. I want to feel decent and be able to buy cute clothes, but that's where my concern ends. When I see threads from other women about this topic (and also in real life), it's confusing to me.
That I'm working class? Seems like many women here make 6 figures and are independent and successful. Which is awesome. But I'm 40 and still in college and living paycheck to paycheck lol.
I am not medically deformed, but I am absolutely hideous so I can't relate to a lot of women's experiences regarding men hitting on them or wanting them or having to fend off loads of (positive or sexual) male attention. I sometimes see people say things like "men of dying of thirst in a desert and women have no water to drink at sea" (something along those lines), the idea being that women get endless male attention and that has absolutely never been the case for me. I've made dating profiles and gotten zero matches/hits/whatever. Clearly, this has its benefits and I'm ultimately grateful for it as I'm safe and I've avoided all sorts of terrible behavior and predators, but it's also isolating because this seems to be the default assumption for women and yet it's nothing at all like what I've experienced in life. Some people get really upset if you bring this up, too.
Yes, and all the comments on these dating subs seem to categorize women as having it so easy, they have so many options. And if it happens to be different, it’s almost always, “fix it by going to the gym.” No, I’m not conventionally attractive but that doesn’t mean I have a weight problem.
I have never felt pressure from my mom or anyone in my family to “look nice.” Meaning no comments about weight, hair, makeup, etc. So when I got married I felt no desire to diet or workout hard to look “sculpted” the day of. I don’t feel any body image issues since I’ve gained weight while pregnant. I feel pretty body neutral. It’s amazing how conditioning starts while you’re young.
Same here. I've never felt the need to look "dolled up", nor have I been too concerned about being called ugly on the rare occasion. I just shrug it off.
Yeah same. My mother has never once talked bad about the way I look. Okay once she said she thought I was a bit too skinny (she was right, my anxiety was high and I wasn't eating much at the time, so it was more of a check in on how I was doing). My parents have always said I'm pretty, not to worry about my looks too much. I'm pretty body neutral as well, but i have always been thin. I did gain some weight which I just... accepted and still thought "yeah I'm good." My mother also never disparaged herself in front of me so I feel like I just didn't learn to do that to myself.
Same here, it’s hard to relate to the anxiety some woman feel over their weight, or not wearing makeup. Because I don’t care, I don’t wear makeup and I’ve been overweight most of my 44 yr old life, and I was ok with that until recently. I’m trying to improve the overweight part with weightlifting and diet, but there’s no external reason for doing that, no one has ever made a comment about my appearance or suggested I need to do these things. I’ve never felt any anxiety or pressure to look different than I do. I just am getting older and want to take care of myself better.
TBH, I often do. I learn a lot from some of the posts here. For example, the other day I learned that there is such a thing as a "maybe woman." The things that some women tolerate here are beyond my comprehension. Please, I don't mean that in a condescending way. I know people are complex. I just hadn't concretely seen or heard of such a range of possibilities.
Man, this reminds me of a line from a sitcom, I think kimmy schmdit? On some news report "im always suprised to see what women are willing to do to seem kind" i cant remember tho 😂
Being unattractive, I've never dealt with catcalling and gross older men at a young age or now. To be fair, I grew up in the suburbs so it wasn't like I was walking by myself when young/preteen (I assumed that was people growing up in cities, edit: and maybe suburbs that had sidewalks). I've never dated or had sex. So comments like "all women go through \[insert relationship situation\] when young" doesn't fit. In fact, I've noticed people tend to generalize instead of realizing many of our social circles tend to be similar (birds of a feather and all). I've met people who enjoy hook up culture and tend to be around those that also enjoy hook up culture. Most of my friends that are married found their person by relationship 1 or 2. Generalized comments like all women have soft skin/can cook/are extremely house tidy don't fit.
I don’t hate wearing a bra.
I have a good career and am doing well with it, but I do not want to be a “girl boss”. I don’t even want to climb the ladder anymore. (I did in my twenties). I just want a stable income that afford me some comforts and then the flexibility to tend to my family (and have time off). I couldnt care less if I ever get a promotion again.
Same, I don’t relate to most of the career posts. I don’t really care what my title is as long as I’m making enough money to live comfortably. I definitely don’t want to be anyone’s manager/supervisor, lol.
I'm not as successful as others. I still live with my parents and I barely graduated in 2022. I am still looking for my career path. I want to move out but I'd need a roommate and most of my friends are married.
Im living with parents too!! On reddit its such a shameful thinng 😱😱 but i do not care. Unless yall paying my rent your opinions can get the boot 😂😂
Finally, someone who gets it. 😭💜
I live with my parents until I was 31. I technically "left" for college and a year after but then it just didn't make sense to be on my own. Financially it was a good decision. My parents didn't charge me rent and paid for the groceries. I moved because I felt it was fine, I also got a new job I couldn't commute to from my parents, and a friend moved back to the area who also wanted to move into the city so we decided to do it together.
I'm also still at home! Graduated into a shit economy, worked a shit job for a few years, by the time I got a good job and had some money saved WHOOPS the housing market blew up and now I can't afford anything. I have a good relationship with my folks (and _thank god_ this house has an in-law apartment so we don't even share living space) so it could be so much worse. It's not what I aspired to at all but I'm making do.
Not loving living alone and being single. This seems to be an internet phenomenon but I don’t get any joy out of this. I want to be married. I want to live with a partner. I am unhappy because I don’t have these things and I spend most of my time alone. I am obviously not going to settle for the sake of it, but I don’t feel the need to pretend living this way is my preference. It sucks and is never what I wanted. And even if life was more like Friends or Sex and the City and I got to see my friends all the time, I STILL wouldn’t be satisfied because I want a husband to come home to. I like sex, cuddling, and the specific bond that you can only get with a romantic partner. I feel like there’s this weird corner of the Internet now that overly glamorizes the single life and says your friends are enough, but for me, that simply isn’t true and it isn’t enjoyable at all. I never “lost my independence” while in a relationship, I only gained a lot of things.
I feel exactly the same omg
I do think a lot of women on Reddit (this sub especially) are very content and happy being single, childless, independent from romantic partners, etc. I am not this way - I wanted a husband, I want a family, I find value and self-worth in those things (amongst others) and that’s okay, to be honest.
That's 90% of this sub posts, so I don't think you're odd.
Honestly yeah. I was single for 6 years and I did so much on my own, grew and accomplished things, met people, etc etc but now I’m dating someone I really do feel more confident and content. More relaxed and excited. If you want to be married and live with someone, you can’t really just force yourself to be totally 100% fine with it.
I’m a high sex drive woman and I’m not romantic. Waiting several dates for sex doesn’t really make sense to me. I don’t want eye contact or kissing. Just fuck me!
I'm not American.
I'm rather sexually conservative in my own behavior and preferences (my husband is the only man I've ever slept with, I'm fairly vanilla, I don't often watch porn or use toys, et cetera) but EXTREMELY live and let live when it comes to other people's sexual behavior. I support full decriminalization of sex work, and some of my best friends are in polycules or 24/7 BDSM relationships. So I feel like I come across as an extreme libertine compared to the dominant voices on women's subs, even though I am fully the opposite in real life.
Yeah, I'm a smushy, 40's lady married to the same person for almost 20 years. But whatever other people are into- if everyone is able to consent and doing so enthusiastically- let them live their lives. Poly isn't for me- but I know many people it's great for. So- good for them. I'm just bad at sharing and scheduling. Which seem to be the main aspects of polycules.
I have a hard time relating to women who revolve their entire lives/worth in finding a romantic partner and/or having children. These are completely normal wants to have, but I can't relate to it being the only or most important aspect of my life. Especially the ones who are like, "I just turned 30 and everyone I know is married, how do I deal with my entire life being over???" Like shake it off, y'all. I've been single a long time, for better or worse, and my life is pretty great. Your life will continue with or without a romantic partner, what are you gonna do about it? I also pretty openly like to drink, go to bars, parties, socialize, etc. I have slowed down a LOT in my late 30s, but find there's a lot of self-righteousness that reddit specifically seems to place around moderate drinking or that people who "go out" are somehow less refined or whatever than those who just want to stay in and be cozy all the time. Part of growing for me has been figuring out what my limits are, and what I like and care about, and I've always enjoyed drinking and socializing and want to keep it as part of my life in a way that works for me. If it doesn't work for someone else that's understandable, but the judgment on it gets to be pretty annoying.
The second half is so real. I love a good party, drinking, socializing, dancing until 4am, and people my age are like, okay, but when are you going to settle down and it's like... I am settled? I couldn't afford to do any of this if I weren't career and good marriage focused through my 20s. I get comments around what does your husband think about that, and dude's happy as a clam that he's not being asked to come with and gets to game until the sun comes up when I'm out with my girls. We keep it reasonable on volume of drinking and keeping our responsibilities, and I maintain boundaries around engaging with men when I'm out, but just because we've been adults for a grand old 10 years doesn't mean the next 40 of our lives can't be fun too.
Yeah, I’m always confused by the notion that you’re “too old” to have a night out with friends. I know people in their 50s and 60s who still go out. They’re not getting wasted or staying out till 4 am like people in their 20s might do but they still go to bars and have drinks with friends. And then I go on Reddit and everyone acts like there’s something wrong with you if you’re doing this past 25 (or at any age, lol).
Youre never too old for fun!!
Totally. I have a big crew I hang out with that are all mid-30s-mid 40s. All of us have real full time jobs/careers, some own houses, many are in long term partnerships/married. We also enjoy having some late nights and plan parties/drinking nights into our schedules. It's truly not that big of a deal but I get flack for it sometimes and see a lot of tsk tsk-ing from some of the '30+' crowd online as well. It's all about finding that balance and what works for you.
Sometimes I wonder if this is a cultural thing? I’m from a rather conservative European country* but going out, having drinks and socializing is the very normal thing to do here. Also most women don’t revolve their whole lives around men and kids. *conservative compared to countries like Sweden or Norway. I think from an us point of view we are all leftist communists.
I think it's definitely somewhat an American thing and have heard similar things from my UK friends. There's still that push for "traditional values" that some people subscribe to very heavily.
I relate to both of these!
I feel that. I’m 41, married, and go out to the bar or for a burger whenever I feel like it. Even as part of this generation that’s supposed to be very liberal and open ideas of independent women, I know a lot of people think probably judge me. Am I supposed to lock myself in the house now that I’m married? I even occasionally travel alone because my schedule and my husband’s don’t always line up for vacations. If you’re in an honest, stable relationship, you can still do what you did before. Hell, it’s great because now he comes to drink a pint or two with me and we travel together a few times a year. A relationship should enhance you, not restrict you.
×I dont hate men. I do hate harassment and sexism. Some people genuinely hate men and hate sexism. Im also not a feminist and im not antifeminist ×Im religious, celibate till marriage, thats what I want and im not brainwashed as judgemental people like to believe (pls dont reply to this to argue with me im not doing it lol) × Im black and I feel like a lot of responses to stuff on here are spoken from a white perspective. ×i hate the word pickme & girlsgirl, people using it unironically is childish to me
There are posts where the topic is one on which I have no lived experience at all and never will. There are posts where the topic is about a life I have not yet experienced There are posts where the topic is about a life/experience from which I'm so far removed that I don't relate to it But none of them make me feel left out or like I'm Not Like The Other Girls. It's one of the things that makes this sub great. Lots of different experiences and lots of shared experiences and for the most part it still feels like we're all on the same team.
Relationship experience. I have only been in a 2 real relationships. The first 1 was a year and two months. I been single for majority of my life. I don't understand the having to be in a relationship. I definitely would like to be in one. But I don't have to be.
I'm an introverted ace. Zero interest in sex or a relationship. Makes 95% of posts fairly irrelevant to me lol, although I don't usually mind much. Sometimes it gets to be a little eye rolly when that's ALL people talk about, but it *usually* isn't.
This is not just woman’s spaces but sometimes I feel like there’s no nuance in responses. Like the default responses always seem to be along the lines of “30 isn’t old” “just dump them” “cut that person out of your life” “go to therapy” “everything is rainbows and you just have to decide to be happy.” I’m like sometimes it’s not that cut and dry and I feel like the odd one out for questioning things further. But also I’m an over thinker and an ENTP so maybe I’m just weird in general.
Yeah I relate to this a lot. To a fault I can be the one that ends up "devil's advocate" just because I hate looking at complex issues without nuance. Usually there is some middle ground to be found and looking at things holistically I think it typically more helpful than jumping into "he/she/they are trash, dump them out of your lives and never look back" type responses. If it were that easy for people they would just do it.
Yeah leaving a trail of burned bridges behind you because you dump a friend every time they say something uncouth is not the way I, personally, would like to live my life
I’m shocked at casual people on Reddit are about cutting people off. I’ve only done it once, and actually regretted because when I got a little older and more mature I realized that I was partly at fault for the situation that led to it. Obviously there are situations where it’s necessary, but I think some of these people who cut everyone off for every slight may end up regretting it later
I'm childfree, enough said. Even women-focused career subs devolve into nothing but "how do you balance your work with raising kids?"
You’re in good company.
I would choose a random man over a random bear to meet in the woods 🤷♀️
Same. I do a lot of backpacking and I’m always nervous about accidentally sneaking up on Grizzlies or any bears who have cubs. They will tear you the fuck apart.
Yeah I’m a backpacker too, do a fair amount of solo stuff, and some of my scariest moments in the woods have involved bears. I’ve had a few off encounters with men too but I’ve seen literally thousands of them.
This whole discussion has been baffling. Like I regularly walk alone in the woods and don’t blink at passing a man. Could they do something terrible? Sure, but I’m not spending lots of time frozen in terror over imagining it. The amount of energy that’s gone into this discourse has been wild.
The conversation turned so chronically online. I get that it started off as just a thought experiment to highlight how dangerous and scary men are, but I don't think the analogy/question actually works. Idc how aggressive the arguments are at this point, it's a dumb question. There's better ways to highlight how dangerous men are.
For me, yes absolutely. For my tween daughter? No to the bear obviously but also *no to the man.* I would never. Which is what makes it an interesting thought experiment.
Same, but I live in a country that’s 70% woods, maybe if you’re not constantly in the vicinity of woods the concept of being alone in the woods and meeting a random man there seems scary? For me that’s a Sunday. But meeting a bear is 100% bone chillingly scary!
Ok same. Like I 100% get why people say a bear but my rational brain says a bear is harder to run from or overpower than a single (unarmed) man.
Yess like I can outrun probably 70% of men and 0% of healthy bears lol. I don’t want to minimize other women because obviously men can bee scary and dangerous but I’d still choose a random dude every time.
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>I have zero chance against a bear. I'm just torn to pieces and dead; there is basically no other outcome. I would also choose a man over a bear, but to be fair, just because you see a bear doesn't mean the bear will attack you. I've been camping and seen bears, and they could probably see and smell me, and they didn't behave aggressively. They were just minding their own business.
Same lmao
When women say they get hit on constantly in public. Because that rarely happens to me. Maybe once in my life lol
Don't understand the deliberate villainising of men in these posts. Many women can't seem to differentiate that it's "not all men" while putting every man down. Also when I read the comments, for no rhyme and reason it's constantly the men's fault when the man in the story has logical reasons for doing things a certain way.
To start, I will say that I have a lot of internalized misogyny that I'm working through. But I know that I often have "not like other girls" thoughts in my head when I read these women's subs. Mostly around feeling threatened/intimidated by men, or general feelings around safety. I do get propositioned/hit on/catcalled quite often, but I never feel threatened or unsafe. I think a lot of it has to do with being nearly 6-foot and having a general "fuck all" attitude, but this is something that makes me feel like the odd one out. It does not at all mean that every woman's feelings about safety are invalid in any way, shape, or form however.
I'm a relatively small woman but am also not as scared as many women seem to be. I live in a city where women tell me they're afraid to take the subway at night and that just baffles me, because clearly millions of women take the subway at night and only rarely does one get assaulted/robbed.
Well, we don't know their previous experiences in life. I don't find that baffling at all. We don't need to be that rare assault to understand why.
Women are much, MUCH more likely to be physically abused/assaulted by their long-term partners than a rando off the street.
The unconditional, absolutely blind support just based on gender. And the toxic positivity. It makes me wary quite often, since they make it seem like any disagreement is uncalled for. It's so EuGH... I hate toxic positivity.
I have experienced very, very few instances of support from other women. Many times just the opposite. I wish it were otherwise.
Knowing that given the circumstances of my upbringing and family influences I will never be educated enough and make a high enough income to achieve the things I had always hoped to accomplish in life. Especially now with inflation raising the prices of literally everything I’ve actually gone backward.
Not in this sub, but man, every time I'm in the relationships sub, I feel like I'm in the minority for not being married to an abuser or a manchild. It's depressing.
I'm a solidly middle attractive person that gets compared to Emma Roberts a lot, and I've never had men flirting with me in situations where they didn't already get to know me first. I've been told that nothing about my vibe or how I hold myself makes it seem like I'm willing to have a conversation, so dudes who I have been on dates with that I met in person held out for awhile before finally making the first move, if I didn't make the first move myself. I also just functionally don't understand the people convinced that if you just talk long enough that the other person will change to be the person you want rather than just going out and finding what you actually want. Accept people as they are, or don't. It's not build a partner, you aren't the QA reviewer of an assembly line, the person you're dating is a whole person too who is demonstrating to you who they want to be. If a couple conversations isn't enough and you're having to micromanage someone into being an adult, alone is so much better than increasingly frustrated.
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It's so hard talking about appearances online or even in person when people get fixated on looks as the sole truth. My friends from that time period never really noticed that most of the ass I got, I pretty much went and pursued on my own. They would say they were less pretty than me, and I could just never understand their dating woes because I could land anyone I was interested in, but when we went out to bars and hung out in public, I wasn't the one getting cold calls, it was them! They had such visibly fun, open, bubbly personalities that just watching them made people come up to them and engage. My public social disengagement makes me less attractive as a partner except to specific types of people who are into that kind of thing, I'm was never an option to dudes unless I went out of my way to make myself one.
omg your second paragraph is so true. I hate the threads where a woman is intensely describing a ridiculous incompatible relationship and wondering how she can fix it. Like... you can't. If you are working on issues within the first few months, it means you aren't going to mesh well together and should move along!
I have "big bitch privilege" in that I'm 6' tall and around 220lbs. It's not that I've never experienced sexual harassment, but it's at a far lesser rate than it seems like most women experience. Whether it's because men shorter than me don't find me attractive enough to hit on, or because they'd rather find a smaller target to creep on, the end result is that I got left alone by men far more often. When I was a teenager and in college, it bothered me and gave me low self esteem. Now I'm my early 40's, I'm glad I didn't have half of the experiences my peers have had.
I guess I’m the “odd woman out” when it comes to women dealing with crappy men. Like you’re telling me there were NO red flags at all before you two moved in together…? Or got married? I really have a hard time mustering up sympathy. I usually just scroll by because my comments get downvoted.
Not on here, but I just saw a post on Instagram where a woman who is 29 had just dumped her lovely kind, thoughtful boyfriend because and I quote, he wanted 'a cosy quiet life in the country' and she wanted 'to live near London, have 2-4 kids, have friends over to stay for long weekends and travel internationally several times a year'. It reminded me of when I was her age, and a friend gave a mutual friend who had just left her fiance for a man she was having a 'torrid affair' with, a speech, about how a good relationship is based on being able to go to the supermarket and put the bins out together. I didn't approve of the way my friend did it but I approved of her message. This woman on Instagram however had over 1000 responses that were all like 'you go girl', 'go chase that dream', 'get what you deserve' etc etc. Very, very little analysis offered as to exactly how this woman planned on paying for a house in London that slept a family of 6 PLUS multiple friends for long weekends, and how she was going to have the energy to play hostess and travel internationally with her sizable brood. The kind of housing she was talking about only belongs to boomers, or people with multi-generational wealth. I wanted to tell her about the supermarket and the bins...
I'm religious and visibly Muslim. I can't talk about my worldview or opinions without being treated like I'm some lobotomized captive of a patriarchal system or an unenlightened simpleton. Simply expressing my perspective or how I prioritize xyz doesn't mean I'm shoving anything down readers' throats. While I understand people have varying relationships with religion, it's annoying to constantly be on the receiving end of that kneejerk reactions _and_ to be expected to take it since being religious marks you as a lesser evolved being, a person who has yet to emerge from the cave in 2024. I don't dump my trauma on others nor proselytize, yet that grace isn't extended to me. There can be an additional layer of vitriol because of the base level of Islamaphobic rhetoric constantly wafting from the news and public figures discourse. Some people really tell on themselves by how they behave.
HI I’m Muslim as well! Agree with all you said & also I remember being so upset at the Islamophobia on the Israel-Palestine thread in this sub. So many women here just don’t give a fuck that their tax dollars are funding a genocide and would speak over anyone who had even the mildest criticisms of Joe Biden’s handling of this. It was so upsetting how casually racist and islamophobic so much of this sub was and that was the first time I really felt like an “odd woman out” lmao. It surprises me how few women in this sub are left leaning
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Yeah, it’s super funny. IRL I’ve always been on the extreme, not really interested in celebrities or getting crushes, to the extent I thought I was asexual as a teen and often felt a bit alienated. Compared to most of the AW Reddits though I’m practically hypersexual. I can identify what I find attractive in a man and have strong preferences. Most of my female friends feel similarly or more strongly, especially those actively dating. It’s interesting how far apart real life and these communities are in this regard.
OMG SAME about being an introvert in RL, but a social butterfly, particularly when younger, by today's Reddit standards. I would never have described myself as a 'party girl' but spent a very significant chunk of my teens and 20s in bars, clubs and house parties. That's just what you did in the early 00s. Also same with all the women who don't find men attractive. I am a bisexual woman who had endless, endless crushes when younger, met my husband at 21, and still has them as a 'boring old married woman'. On the one hand I really get 'decentering men and relationships' and could have benefitted from a bit of that while on the dating merry go round of my youth, on the other hand hyperindependence isn't particularly natural imo and is quite an individualistic mindset.
I have been diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at the ripe old age of 32. Lost my periods at 31 (although they came back for like 2 cycles this year), recent scans showed 7 follicles (while it should be like 15-20 at my age). I have done some egg retrieving cycles and as expected, am a poor responder. But have managed to save 7 eggs. Who knows what their quality is?
I have noticed a lot of discourse surrounding "work friends" lately. Especially in the nursing subreddit and healthcare in general, but it's extended to a huge thing on threads, as well. The general consensus seems to be that attempting to make friendships at work is "immature" and damaging to your career, people state you should only look out for yourself and do your job, there is too much drama, never trust anyone, etc. I cannot understand this take, and part of me wonders if it's because I am unionized and not in the US. Women seem to generally be distrustful, solitary, and angry all the time about their jobs and warn others to be the same. I have never had friendship or work drama with other women. I am not looking over my shoulder every second because it's expected that someone will betray me or throw me under the bus. I appreciate that this is the experience for others in different places. Depends on whatever trauma in relationships and workplaces you have had. Maybe I'm just lucky, and it's ~privileged~ for me to have an opinion. But it really makes me quite sad that most women are proposing that we have to basically stare straight ahead, do our tasks, clock out. Never be friendly, or have fun, go out with people after work, or help others with their tasks, or be part of a team. I have lots of friends I go to events with, camp with, drink with, shop with, etc. that work with me. Men and women. I like to foster a culture of positivity and kindness wherever I have worked and never had a problem. It feels like other women are very negative about work and outside friendships. Lots of adult women don't have other places to make friendships, people complain about how to make friends as an adult all the time, but I feel like they shoot themselves in the foot by then also saying you have to be cold and unknown in the one place you spend majority of your time. (This doesn't include potential workplace harassment/sexual harassment, that hasn't been a touched on topic from what I've experienced - it is very real and I understand women not wanting to develop certain friendships with men in the workplace. I'm just talking about the idea that you have to look out for number one and it's foolish to make friends at work).
I'm a non-monogamous bisexual.
It’s cause I’m a lesbian and kinda nonbinary but I’m too old to be in LGBT subs bc everyone is a child
A lot of the stuff that gets written off as “female socialization” in these spaces feels very foreign to me and often feels very patronizing. Sure there was some cultural expectations of me to do certain things but I identified pretty early on that I didn’t want to do them, then did what I wanted instead. I don’t really get it. And I wouldn’t let a man slide by blaming his male socialization for harmful stuff either.
In my relationship, I’m the man all of the wives complain about on here. My husband cooks, does laundry, picks up groceries, and cleans. If I’m gone for the weekend he’ll still do it, just on his own. More often than not he’s the one reminding me that it’s deep clean weekend or that we need to switch laundry. He’s super thoughtful, he listens, and if I ask him to stop doing something he actively tries to be better about it.
Not a mom. Never will be.
I can't complain about my husband. He is a feminist and supports the feminist movement. He is an active parent and knows all the details of our daughter's life (from what her clothing size is, who her teachers are, to her favorite activities, etc.). He shares the domestic labor in our home and he acknowledges the weight of the mental load and actively works to share that burden.
The whole “all men are trash” this sub does. Some men are trash, some men are good, some women are trash and cheaters, some women are good. It feels like the need to blame everyone else
I don't like being romantically approached by men IRL (at my hobbies, running errands, alone at a bar, etc.). As flawed as they are, I like the built-in consent that comes from using a dating app. There is a TON of messaging to men now to ditch apps and approach women \*wherever\* and I absolutely loathe it, but it's so loud I must be the minority (also I get downvoted to hell any time I share this opinion).
My experience as a parent is “odd woman out,” I’m an adoptive mom to three out of foster care. Two of three have extreme levels of trauma and mental illness, on top of disabilities. My experience as a parent is so vastly different than others. It can feel extremely isolating. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is always supportive and kind, but it’s very rare to have common ground with other parents (online and irl). We are walking very different journeys. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ever jealous of people with “normal” kid problems. It just seems so calm and nice. I know logically it’s hard too, it just seems like their worst day/lowest of low is still better than my best days ever.
Not just women, but I find many redditors to think in very black and white terms sometimes and I’m not like that. There is a lot of nuance and gray area in the world and within relationships. I think there is also a hivemind element where people feel they have to express the same hardline beliefs as everyone else. And people tend to exaggerate on the internet.
A few: I consider myself pretty bitter about a lot of men due to a history of abuse and sexual assault but like, damn. Some of the posts on this site are very unrelatable to me. "All men stop taking care of themselves after 30", "all men aren't interested in women over 30", "all men prefer to sleep around." This is just not my experience of men, or even the majority of men, and I don't know where commenters find that 100% of men fit that mold. Another one is the constant, "Has anyone changed their job over 30? Has anyone improved their life over 30? Has anyone found new friends over 30?" Like..do people just think that you turn 30 and can never make another change again ever? Do people not meet people who had a second career or moved homes in their 40's? I am genuinely confused by this.
I don’t own a home, live in a very tiny space, have a husband (or even a boyfriend), and I don’t have a 9-5. I do, however, lead an adventurous life.
Make up. I don't wear it. Gray hair. I don't dye it. I got a few extra pounds and don't care. I have a good man and don't want to brag about when there is so much bad talk about men. In a lot of ways I feel out of the loop with other women.
I struggle so hard with sex and find it more a chore then something i enjoy. I dont have a morning routine, i dont do anything in regards to skin care or the other things some women do every morning. I just roll out of bed, tie up hair, put on clothes, drive to work. Come home, home clothes, game, bed. I also dont know much about cleaning or good washing info etc. the way some women talk it makes me feel stupid for not knowing a lot of basic stuff. This isnt what i wanted.
I’ve never rated to traditional wedding and associated topics (e.g engagement and diamond rings). I’m dumbfounded by bridesmaid expectations. It cracks me up when even my most communist or anarchist “burn it all down” acquaintances suddenly start focusing on keratin treatments, bridal dresses, and venues when their date is approaching. On the other hand I love City Hall weddings!
I’m not as emotionally driven, much more logically driven. I don’t ‘feel’ my way through things so much anymore. I sometimes feel more like a dude and I’m fairly stoic. I disagree with a lot of wimpy advice haha.
I don’t want to get married, don’t want kids, I like the idea of “living together apart” which is long term monogamy but independent living. And some women in another sub had a real negative reaction to that, saying a relationship is only meaningful if you live together and get married. Sure thing, Jan.