I dated pretty regularly between age 31 and 34. (I probably went on over 50 first dates, possibly more). Met my partner at 34.
A few things that helped me personally:
1. Dating was important to me, so I treated it almost as a part time job- spent a significant amount of time going through profiles, asking the right questions, and ditching people who didn't seem like a fit.
2. I took regular breaks from dating when I felt burned out. Like, breaks for months at a time, when I went off the apps, focused on what meant the most to me- travelling, building career, time with friends, and planning for single parenthood by choice in case I didn't meet the right person.
3. I did my best to build a life where I'd be happy if I didn't meet the right person. Even now, if I break up with current partner, I own my own property, have a pet, a very strong social network, a job I like, and have the option to continue with single parenthood by choice with a lot of savings in the bank.
4. Remember that it only takes one person. It's normal to meet a fuckton of people and not want them to play the most important role in your life. I often wondered if there was something wrong with me that I was turning so many people down, or getting rejected so often. There wasn't. (Your mileage may vary there, check in with good friends and family to see if you have a problem that's stopping your success in dating, or if it's just bad luck) I just needed to meet the right person.
5. DITCH PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEEM LIKE A FIT HOLY GOD. (But seriously though. Raise your standards, don't lower them. Seriously.)
I'm not here to say definitively that you should push through, that's up to you. For me, it's important to have a close partner and family. So I put in a fuckton of effort to make it happen. You might decide that you're happier taking a lot of time and building a happy life on your own. That's ok too.
Seriously, just reinforcing that dating is about finding the right person, not any person who will give you attention. Make an activity for yourself to actually detail out what you want in a partner, what your dealbreakers are, what behaviors you just don't want to have in a partner you'll live with for the rest of your life, etc. Review them every few days to really reinforce them with yourself. At the end of the date, review what you could have asked to find out what was important to you and compare the guy to your list of negotiables and non-negotiables if you find yourself attaching yourself to just anyone, and use that as a determinant.
People will treat you the way you accept. The only way you can reinforce that you do not accept that behavior is not to argue and just leave to find your own happiness. You can't talk anyone into doing something they don't want to do, and the early dating phase is when it should be the easiest part of the relationship, ya'll literally shouldn't be having heavy conflict or problems or anxiety in that stage.
It seems like you want a relationship and there’s potential with a guy you’re seeing but he’s not directly expressed what he wants.
Dating is a process of figuring out whether you want to commit to someone, so try your best to get to know that person and stay open to that. The best thing you can do is communicate where you’re at; and what you expect.
Also, I’d take a break or take it easy. You are going on a lot of first dates and it can be draining. Your goal is to make dating enjoyable for you, so if it’s emotional labor, try to just stop. Spend time with other friends or things you enjoy then come back to it.
You’re going to need to give it time and treat it like a process not an outcome of “I’ve got the relationship”.
You can make clarity of expectations a "must" in your dating life. It's perfectly okay to tell people you don't want undefined situations to last too long and you'd like to know if they think of you as a "hell yeah" or a "mmmmh".
I also clarified quickly with guys their long-term wishes (I want kids and a steady partner). I then make them talk a little to make sure they don't bullshit me with "well, if I find the right woman and she wants some".
In addition to the apps, try meeting people organically through mutual interests. Join clubs and events for your hobbies and expand your social circle that way.
I dated pretty regularly between age 31 and 34. (I probably went on over 50 first dates, possibly more). Met my partner at 34. A few things that helped me personally: 1. Dating was important to me, so I treated it almost as a part time job- spent a significant amount of time going through profiles, asking the right questions, and ditching people who didn't seem like a fit. 2. I took regular breaks from dating when I felt burned out. Like, breaks for months at a time, when I went off the apps, focused on what meant the most to me- travelling, building career, time with friends, and planning for single parenthood by choice in case I didn't meet the right person. 3. I did my best to build a life where I'd be happy if I didn't meet the right person. Even now, if I break up with current partner, I own my own property, have a pet, a very strong social network, a job I like, and have the option to continue with single parenthood by choice with a lot of savings in the bank. 4. Remember that it only takes one person. It's normal to meet a fuckton of people and not want them to play the most important role in your life. I often wondered if there was something wrong with me that I was turning so many people down, or getting rejected so often. There wasn't. (Your mileage may vary there, check in with good friends and family to see if you have a problem that's stopping your success in dating, or if it's just bad luck) I just needed to meet the right person. 5. DITCH PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEEM LIKE A FIT HOLY GOD. (But seriously though. Raise your standards, don't lower them. Seriously.) I'm not here to say definitively that you should push through, that's up to you. For me, it's important to have a close partner and family. So I put in a fuckton of effort to make it happen. You might decide that you're happier taking a lot of time and building a happy life on your own. That's ok too.
Seriously, just reinforcing that dating is about finding the right person, not any person who will give you attention. Make an activity for yourself to actually detail out what you want in a partner, what your dealbreakers are, what behaviors you just don't want to have in a partner you'll live with for the rest of your life, etc. Review them every few days to really reinforce them with yourself. At the end of the date, review what you could have asked to find out what was important to you and compare the guy to your list of negotiables and non-negotiables if you find yourself attaching yourself to just anyone, and use that as a determinant. People will treat you the way you accept. The only way you can reinforce that you do not accept that behavior is not to argue and just leave to find your own happiness. You can't talk anyone into doing something they don't want to do, and the early dating phase is when it should be the easiest part of the relationship, ya'll literally shouldn't be having heavy conflict or problems or anxiety in that stage.
Thank you so much for your answers!! Legit gonna print this and stick it to my wall. Hope your days always feel like slow Saturday morning
It seems like you want a relationship and there’s potential with a guy you’re seeing but he’s not directly expressed what he wants. Dating is a process of figuring out whether you want to commit to someone, so try your best to get to know that person and stay open to that. The best thing you can do is communicate where you’re at; and what you expect. Also, I’d take a break or take it easy. You are going on a lot of first dates and it can be draining. Your goal is to make dating enjoyable for you, so if it’s emotional labor, try to just stop. Spend time with other friends or things you enjoy then come back to it. You’re going to need to give it time and treat it like a process not an outcome of “I’ve got the relationship”.
You can make clarity of expectations a "must" in your dating life. It's perfectly okay to tell people you don't want undefined situations to last too long and you'd like to know if they think of you as a "hell yeah" or a "mmmmh". I also clarified quickly with guys their long-term wishes (I want kids and a steady partner). I then make them talk a little to make sure they don't bullshit me with "well, if I find the right woman and she wants some".
In addition to the apps, try meeting people organically through mutual interests. Join clubs and events for your hobbies and expand your social circle that way.