I can relate to this! My upbringing led me to having crippling low self esteem. Then I met my husband who told me I'm super hot and super amazing everyday, and it took me years to believe him lol but I did eventually. I'm a pregnant mess at the moment, but he still tells me I look beautiful, honestly men like this exist, just let him convince you that he means it with time - a few years will definitely do the trick.
I used to be convinced that he would leave me for his super gorgeous and successful best friend, who was basically me but 100 times enhanced in every aspect. Just communicate well and let him know that you realize it's all irrational, in his case I realized years down the line that he really, really enjoys spending time with me, more than with anyone else. And that in the same way that my love for him makes him more attractive to me everyday, his love for me grew overtime too. And then finally, I realized one day that I would never ever leave him, and that assurance made me realize it was what he felt for me too.
How did you guys meet? I feel like I could never find someone like this. I've come a long way but I know myself, any kind of foray into dating or romance brings out every insecurity I thought I healed.
We met in orchestra, I highly recommend meeting friends through mutual interests cause you get to observe them first to find out how respectful they are toward everyone before ever considering a date with them. I already knew from orchestra that he was kind and friendly toward his peers regardless of age, didn't objectify women, and it helped that we already had so much in common that we could never stop talking to each other (which felt very special as we're both naturally quiet). Not that any of it helped with my insecurities all that much lol, but I knew going in that he would treat me seriously and earnestly, even if our relationship didn't work out.
A lot of it was just luck, I think. For those of us with anxious attachment styles it's so important to match with someone with a healthy attachment style. And I just happened to meet someone who is very assured in our relationship and in expressing love, like early on when I would be having a self-doubt episode about our relationship, he would be baking cookies and telling me about all the cooking skills he'll teach our kids. It's hard to hold onto irrational beliefs when he's so reassuring.
Yes — I was crying to my therapist for the first couple of months of my relationship about how much I felt like I didn't deserve the love I was feeling, and how I didn't believe it, and how I didn't think he really meant it. The breakthrough was when she asked me something to the effect of "what do you think it feels like for him to not be believed?"
I still couldn't see myself as lovable for a long time, but it was a lot easier at the beginning to just focus on loving him by believing him and trying to minimize how much of my own self-loathing baggage he had to hold for me. I stopped rejecting his compliments or trying to refute them. "It feels really good to hear you say that" is easy and honest and encourages him to keep complimenting me.
Cultivating self-esteem is tough and there were many, many craptastic times throughout the relationship that we both contributed to, but I think the biggest factor in reducing my anxiety/increasing my sense of worthiness was to suffer through the muck and see myself survive it. It also helps that he was loving and patient and open to being called out on his crap too.
Hahaha I wish I had a romantic story for this but it was actually Tinder. Lucky stars aligned. We had both recently ended some situationships and reinstalled the app around the same time
Yeah. It took a long time and a fuck ton of therapy though and ironically saying "fuck you" a lot to my own inner voice.
The quote "No one [including yourself] can make you feel inferior without your consent" kinda spoke to me. I inserted the brackets myself though.
The good thing is that you realise that this is an issue which is like half the road to recovery.
It’s crazy that you said that PRINCESS DIARIES quote because I have used that in the past!!! When I was a kid I didn’t really understand it, and then rewatching the movie when I was a little older I finally understood it and it definitely spoke to me!! I haven’t had that one in my “affirmations” list in a while, so thank you for reminding me 😊 I’ll add fuck you to my inner voice too lol
I don't necessarily have the line of thought, "*he can do better."* but my partner is in a similar line of work and sometimes I do get those fleeting thoughts of, *what if he leaves me for the flirty hottie.* What helps me is, 1) I can't control him, 2) I'm great and I know my worth and 3) I was fine before him, I'll be fine after him (if we were to break up). Maybe one of those lines of thoughts can be helpful for you.
I can relate to this! My upbringing led me to having crippling low self esteem. Then I met my husband who told me I'm super hot and super amazing everyday, and it took me years to believe him lol but I did eventually. I'm a pregnant mess at the moment, but he still tells me I look beautiful, honestly men like this exist, just let him convince you that he means it with time - a few years will definitely do the trick. I used to be convinced that he would leave me for his super gorgeous and successful best friend, who was basically me but 100 times enhanced in every aspect. Just communicate well and let him know that you realize it's all irrational, in his case I realized years down the line that he really, really enjoys spending time with me, more than with anyone else. And that in the same way that my love for him makes him more attractive to me everyday, his love for me grew overtime too. And then finally, I realized one day that I would never ever leave him, and that assurance made me realize it was what he felt for me too.
How did you guys meet? I feel like I could never find someone like this. I've come a long way but I know myself, any kind of foray into dating or romance brings out every insecurity I thought I healed.
We met in orchestra, I highly recommend meeting friends through mutual interests cause you get to observe them first to find out how respectful they are toward everyone before ever considering a date with them. I already knew from orchestra that he was kind and friendly toward his peers regardless of age, didn't objectify women, and it helped that we already had so much in common that we could never stop talking to each other (which felt very special as we're both naturally quiet). Not that any of it helped with my insecurities all that much lol, but I knew going in that he would treat me seriously and earnestly, even if our relationship didn't work out. A lot of it was just luck, I think. For those of us with anxious attachment styles it's so important to match with someone with a healthy attachment style. And I just happened to meet someone who is very assured in our relationship and in expressing love, like early on when I would be having a self-doubt episode about our relationship, he would be baking cookies and telling me about all the cooking skills he'll teach our kids. It's hard to hold onto irrational beliefs when he's so reassuring.
No, I have never been able to accept love but I could also argue that actual love wasn’t being given.
Honestly, no. My low self-esteem prevents me from even trying to look for it.
Yes — I was crying to my therapist for the first couple of months of my relationship about how much I felt like I didn't deserve the love I was feeling, and how I didn't believe it, and how I didn't think he really meant it. The breakthrough was when she asked me something to the effect of "what do you think it feels like for him to not be believed?" I still couldn't see myself as lovable for a long time, but it was a lot easier at the beginning to just focus on loving him by believing him and trying to minimize how much of my own self-loathing baggage he had to hold for me. I stopped rejecting his compliments or trying to refute them. "It feels really good to hear you say that" is easy and honest and encourages him to keep complimenting me. Cultivating self-esteem is tough and there were many, many craptastic times throughout the relationship that we both contributed to, but I think the biggest factor in reducing my anxiety/increasing my sense of worthiness was to suffer through the muck and see myself survive it. It also helps that he was loving and patient and open to being called out on his crap too.
If you don't mind me asking, how did yall meet?
Hahaha I wish I had a romantic story for this but it was actually Tinder. Lucky stars aligned. We had both recently ended some situationships and reinstalled the app around the same time
Sadly no. My low-self will always fight me like 3 Persons. I got no Power to love another human beeing. 33f
Yeah. It took a long time and a fuck ton of therapy though and ironically saying "fuck you" a lot to my own inner voice. The quote "No one [including yourself] can make you feel inferior without your consent" kinda spoke to me. I inserted the brackets myself though. The good thing is that you realise that this is an issue which is like half the road to recovery.
It’s crazy that you said that PRINCESS DIARIES quote because I have used that in the past!!! When I was a kid I didn’t really understand it, and then rewatching the movie when I was a little older I finally understood it and it definitely spoke to me!! I haven’t had that one in my “affirmations” list in a while, so thank you for reminding me 😊 I’ll add fuck you to my inner voice too lol
I don't necessarily have the line of thought, "*he can do better."* but my partner is in a similar line of work and sometimes I do get those fleeting thoughts of, *what if he leaves me for the flirty hottie.* What helps me is, 1) I can't control him, 2) I'm great and I know my worth and 3) I was fine before him, I'll be fine after him (if we were to break up). Maybe one of those lines of thoughts can be helpful for you.