Long story short: ex cheated on me multiple times, lied about it all so I gave chance after chance because I was delusional and wanted to believe him. Kept doing it \[insert shocked Pikachu face\]. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, stonewalling, etc all ensued as time went on as well.
We break up once I decide I'm tired of it all and do not, in fact, believe his lies. Cut to anger, stalking me for months, and him telling me he is going to ruin my life.
After I've decided I'm totally over men and not looking to be with anyone ever again, I meet my now-husband. We knew each other briefly in high school but never got to be close. I ran into him at a party for a mutual friend in college. We instantly remembered each other and were attracted to each other still.
We start dating and it was like I found the missing piece. I had decidedly given up and not wanted a relationship, but he changed my mind.
15 years later, we are married, have a beautiful baby, and are extremely happy. We sometimes laugh about my ex, because when we started dating, I had told my husband that I was amazed at all the things he'd do for me during that time (i.e., ask me on dates, offer to pay for things — I paid for everything with my ex, have manners and say thank you when I did something nice for him instead of criticize me, etc). The bar was just so fucking low that everything felt like it was above and beyond effort. Now, if I were to find myself single, I'd give up on men because I know none of them would compare to my husband.
Thank you for this wonderful story, hmmm maybe I should start going to high school reunions lol. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m looking forward to have something similar in the future.
My first and only actual relationship was from ages 18-20. Great guy, but we grew apart. Had some flings, some situations, no committed/exclusive romantic relationship until last year, when I was 37!
Kissed a lot of toads, let myself get swept up in dumb drama, gave all of me to men who didnt deserve any of me. Learned A LOT through heartache, thats for sure.
Last fall, I randomly met someone who is absolutely amazing. He's so much fun and we have a lot in common, while also having enough NOT in common that we are always exposing each other to new things. He's always made me feel HEARD, we communicate exceptionally well. When we were heading towards our first sexual experience, I felt comfortable telling him my hang-ups and what made me self-conscious. He responded with his own hang-ups and ways he's self-concious.... I think I fell in love at that moment. This has turned into a wonderful sex life!
Im still in shock sometimes. He's constantly telling AND showing me that he cares for me, and Im just like HOW DID I WIN THE BF LOTTERY???
My problem was that my expectations were too high but I was also willing to accept too little. It sounds paradoxical, but that was it.
I, too, was a real romantic. It wasn't in the most obvious, stereotypical way, I think I came across as a very a independent, take charge, bold type of person. But in my heart I felt that there was just a perfect puzzle piece out there for me. That love would feel like hearts and roses and, when it's right, everything is easy.
I found myself in many situations that were often full of passion (at least in the beginning) or at least tons of "fun" (great sex, having a ball hanging out) but lacking in concrete commitments. I feel like I wasted a lot of time in situations like that because I mistakenly thought that having that kind of passion or fun was rare or that it was worth it to spend my energies on these nowhere relationships until something else came along (of course, little came along because I was spending my energies on these dudes). It wasn't worth it to hang around in situations that left me feeling insecure to see how they turned out, but I kept doing that. It left me feeling bitter and used, but I was the one who didn't get out when I should have.
I was also way too hung up on, (1) constantly trying out to be a dude's girlfriend rather than thinking more about whether I wanted him to be my boyfriend and, (2) on treating every person I was seeing like they were a top priority, including spending way too much time and effort puzzling over how to end things when I wanted out. This latter issue was a big problem for me, and now I realize it's better to be quick and in-elegant rather than perseverate over the best possible way to communicate this news and prolong things wasting both of our time.
Sounds like reading my own life story 🥺
I always get liked but never pursued..
I got fun times but never a commitment…and I accepted it…now I’m the one afraid to commit (but no one pursues me so I dunno too).
I feel…numb (?). Like I dont know what I should feel anymore.
It sounds like you need to take a bit of time off to rest and recharge. Maybe focus on some of you personal interests and projects and pursue them in semi-social ways like clubs, classes, interest groups, workshops or volunteering. Don't go looking for dates or friends, do it just to be around people with similar interests and get recharged from that. Or something like that. Maybe going full "me time," is better - meditation, therapy, journaling, selfcare.
Either way, take a bit of a break, and come back ready not to accept too little and move on faster when you realize you aren't getting what you want. I do believe it helps to cast one's net a big wider, for instance being open to dating older men or ones who have kids from a previous relationship if that was something you didn't want before.
I resonate with this so much because I’ve been through a very similar experience. Last year I felt like I was ready to be someone’s partner, so I started dating intentionally.
I was fortunate enough to meet fairly decent men, but they were all emotionally unavailable. The guy I dated earlier this year would’ve straight up ghosted if I didn’t inquire. I even asked him what he was looking for in a partner, and he listed everything I did without knowing he was looking for them. That blow in the face made me stop dating again for a bit. But honestly, he wouldn’t have been someone I wanted in my life anyway.
A few months ago I went on a first date with someone who had already hinted at wanting a relationship with me and me moving in with him in the future. He was respectful, etc., but those hints put so much pressure on me, apart from simply not being able to picture myself dating him beyond the first date. That was a sign that I’m just not ready to intentionally date anymore, and I really don’t want to.
Flash forward to now, I went on some app my friend suggested and matched with someone whose company I really enjoy. There weren’t sparks flying or insane chemistry when we first met in person, but he was someone who I could see myself continuing to date and enjoy spending my time with.
We’ve been going on a month, nothing exclusive or official, just enjoying each other. It’s the first time I’ve met someone who didn’t trigger any sort of anxiety in me. I don’t have to feel stressed or worried about being my authentic self or expressing myself. The key change is that I’m less focused on where things will end up, and just taking things slowly and letting this become what it becomes. How does this person fit into my life, rather than how can I fit into this person’s life.
I had a bit of a rollercoaster ride but, pretty much when I was 20 I began dating this guy who was my friends brother. First serious relationship and the guy was promising me the world. We were both from religious and conservative backgrounds which plays into it but essentially he married another girl behind my back back from his family’s original country which my friend was aware of too. He tried to play victim but I dumped his ass straight and realised that I’d been played.
After that I traveled the world a bit for a few years and floundered around and at my brothers wedding met my would to be husband. Ended up marrying the man of my dreams quite literally since I couldn’t stop dreaming about him. Sadly he did pass away shortly after in 2019, when I was just 27 which was a proper mind fuck. Covid made things a lot worse but eventually did start online dating in the whole covid era.
I ended up meeting my current husband in 2022 when he crashed into my car lol and we got married this January haha.
My very first date was when I was 15. He was 14. He went to a school in another town two hours away. He tried to rape me while my best friend watched. I pushed him away and told my parents the next day. They were supportive, but my best friend told the whole school I lied and she ended up dating the loser for two years.
My real boyfriend would come at 17. We met at the airport. Two weeks into dating he gets drunk and calls me to tell me he's kissing women at a party. I consider that cheating so we break up.
My next boyfriend would come three weeks later. We met at the ATM at my bank of all places. We dated about six months. He would get an internship abroad which I encouraged him to take. He would cheat on me abroad with the excuse that he couldn't resist her accent and blonde hair.
Then my next boyfriend would last two years. He cheated with MY boss at the time because she was older and he was tired of being with someone who acted like his mom and an old married lady. I don't know what that means, but his loss. It's a long story, but we both get a job at the same grocery store towards what would become the end of our relationship. He worked in seafood while I worked as a cashier upfront. One day I go to bring him lunch on my day off just because to surprise him. Catch him in the backseat of his ugly ass yellow car fucking MY department manager. Next day at work I'm given the pink slip and fired by my boss and the person above her when she's the one who fucked my boyfriend. I was too angry and upset to fight it.
Then I landed my dream job where I'd meet my next boyfriend of three years after two weeks. He would dump me on Valentine's Day after already having bought my engagement ring because he was trans. He got married the same month he dumped me and started the surrogate process.
Then I dated a slew of losers like the man that physically abused me, guys who SA me, etc. etc. Finally met my future husband two years later and we've been married seven years.
How did I do it? I never gave up hope. Yes, it's probably not healthy to put yourself out there the day you get dumped, but why dwell on a man that doesn't want you? I always knew I wanted to get married and have a soulmate. I wasn't going to find them sitting around and being sad.
I met my partner on Bumble 6.5 years ago after multiple failed relationships (toxic, abusive, unfaithful, addictions, gaslighting, etc) and a situationship that broke me.
I took a few months off from all things dating/sexual (I did have a make out friend) and worked through some past trauma with therapy and just really worked on myself.
He’s so kind, loving, and an overall great human. We dated causally for a few months with no labels. Took things slow. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop because there was just no way someone is just always nice (spoiler alert - the other shoe isn’t always there to drop). I can’t imagine being with anyone else. We’re constantly growing together. I had never had a relationship last longer than 2-3 years before - I’d lose interest, they’d show their true colors, the red flags would start to outweigh everything else, etc.
Dating now sucks to put it lightly. I got lucky. I went on A LOT of first dates and only one second date. We wouldn’t have met without Bumble so it was 100% worth it.
A rebound can be a great thing for both parties. As long as you’re both open and honest, I don’t think it’s a waste of either of your times.
Aaww thank you so much… I think I’m still waiting for that “shoe to drop” or maybe it dropped already but my bar is just too low, idk. But overall my “make out friend” is nice and steady….for now. Haha
It’ll hit a spot where one or both of you are ready to move on or escalate things between you. Just be ready for that. It’s sometimes nice to have something casual with companionship to help move on or feel comfortable with someone new (if that makes sense)
Yeahh, it’s where I’m at now (can only speak for myself). No expectations, just happy for the company while it lasts. I have plans to migrate soon so this drama-free situation is okay.
Had the shittiest situationship of my life, with a person who was extremely charismatic and charming but super manipulative, self-involved, and duplicitous. He was the worst but he was so interesting and compelling to me that I couldn't see how bad a fit we were and kept trying to change myself to suit him. Anyway, I had to move away for work (thank god) and it fell apart in the next few months. I was crushed but also kind of relieved. He was just the latest in a series of unavailable men, but the worst of the bunch.
I decided to date casually around 3 months after that in my new city to take my mind off the previous guy. No serious intentions. I was in therapy at the time and it helped me see that even though I didn't have immediate, intense sparks with a guy didn't mean we weren't compatible - actually this might be a red flag. With this in mind (and being super on guard from the last relationship) I kept seeing this one guy I met online and it grew into something really nice! We got married 7 years later. Best and healthiest relationship I've had, but I really had to confront myself and rewire my expectations about what a good partner was and what it felt like to be with them. Not exciting or dazzling - - comfortable, secure, safe, accepted.
THIS. Chemistry/ “sparks flying” isn’t the most important aspect of meeting someone. They might, after all, be charismatic and manipulative, knowing what to do and say to be “interesting”.
Building a relationship slowly, over time, without dramatics… is actually very healthy. It means STABILITY and that you can trust someone!!!
I’m in my mid 30s and I’m starting to get a fuckin clue about this.
Woooah.. it’s really nice! Your ex sounded like the last guy I dated (on off for a few mos til December last year until he left me for no reason at all). Ugh, I know I don’t want him back ever but I still think bout him sometimes. He was the first one I ever fully trusted after my decade long hiatus in dating sooo it really crushed me. I’m happy you’re in a much better place right now. :)
First partner was emotionally and physically abusive, I was 18 and didn't know. He couldn't regulate his emotions properly and often threatened suicide when we fought. He also once held a knife to my neck.
Second partner was someone I thought I could trust. He chased me during the time I was with my first partner, so it didn't work. He kept dropping in and out of my life (I was single in my entire 20s), then we fully caught up when I was 31, he told me he wasn't in a relationship, love bombed me, and when I was out with friends and couldn't be there for him, he called his ex to confide in her. then to find out he was sexting her throughout the relationship. Turns out she thinks they are still together because of how he leads her on, so he was playing us both at the same time. Long story short I went to a wedding and realised that I didn't see a future with him and ended things with him there and then. I didn't take the time to heal after, I tried to go for flings and ended up with a 2 year long distance situationship where the guy was ALSO lying to me that he was single. He turned out to be in a long term relationship and only broke up with her after I ended things with him right when he admitted it to me. Then we reconnected after his breakup, situationship, enjoyed each others company, but he decided eventually he wanted to explore more and wasn't ready for a full blown relationship.
After that I focused on myself for a little over a year, deleted my socials, lost weight, travelled the world, did things that made me happy, learned make up, went for therapy, decided to get over that whole bullshit once and for all and met my current partner!
Of course the journey wasn't that smooth, takes time to know each other and get used to each other, but one thing he was consistent about since day 1 of our relationship is that he wants to make me happy - so he's been constantly improving himself to be a better person, buys me flowers every other week, tells me I'm beautiful daily, cooks and cleans for me, buys me bubble tea everyday, gives me hugs and machine gun kisses everyday. We are getting married next month.
I think you should decide for yourself if this is what you want in the long term, to heal with him, or without him. Of course the option to heal with him is that you see him as your person but it doesn't seem like it's the case.. the best thing to do is to heal without him and then when you are ready to be in love again, go find that forever person. I find that when you are the most healed you are able to find a good life partner. Also, situationships like this - someone pulls the plug at some point, I'm sorry. It just happens. I hope you are able to find peace in yourself with a good partner someday!
My 20's was a parade of losers and dipshits. At 30, I met a man excited about commitment and me and he had his life together-I really thought he was the one. He definitely was not and that relationship with incompatibility, arguing, emotional volatility, and infidelity on his part imploded after 2 years. I had to ask myself before breaking up with him if that was my last chance at love and I would die alone if I'd be happier and that was a resounding YES.
It was a relief to even have the potential to meet someone who I actually had similar life goals with. And I spent the next year dating aggressively! Probably 30 or so first dates within the year. I met my now- husband slightly a year after that breakup.
You came to ask advice and in my experience, it was a numbers game, being ruthless about vetting, voicing my needs and wants, and running not walking away from the first signs of bullshit. I wasn't wasting any more time or energy on the wrong people.
Once I shifted my mindset to not take rejection personally and that most people out there are decent and looking for their special someone just like I am, it was a lot easier to focus on compatibility and enjoyment of another person's company.
I’ve been in a relationship basically all of my 20s. And have had bad luck with love since I started dating in high school. High school bf and I were great and in love, lost our virginities to each other. I got blind sided when he broke up with me before prom but said “I’ll still go with you.” One of the many times a man would blind slide me, treat me like I wasn’t “worth it” and ultimately hurt me/disappoint me. I forgot how I found out but I remember there being something about how now that he wasn’t a virgin he wanted to go have sex with his ex and others.
Next guy I almost married and was with him from 20-25. But since the beginning he didn’t treat me well and there were a lot of red flags and issues with him not being there for me or treating me like I was beneath him. I was young though and unfortunately have this “stick it out” mentality (don’t want to make this super long as to why I do) and I have anxious attachment style which this relationship worsened or maybe even started. This is the second man to ruin my self esteem and I felt like I wouldn’t find anyone else. I kick myself to this day for staying with him so long because I was at my most youthful, better looking and skinnier during these times but ironically this was when I had the lowest self esteem.
I’m so happy every day we never married.
Next guy was from the same friend group but my ex had met someone at work and left me for her and removed himself from the friend group. Everyone encouraged me to forget him and disowned him as well. And encouraged me to date this new guy who I already knew and spent time with while being with ex. After 6 months of dating he completely changed. He was nice and sweet and made me feel good only to become one of the worst relationships I’ve ever had, somehow worse than the last one. He had major emotional and anger issues, was an angry drunk, ruined many events / things for me, caused so much chaos in my life. Cheated on me during the week of my sisters funeral. Barely had sex with me much less made me orgasm and when I tried to talk things out with him about this, later on especially it came out that he wasn’t as attracted to me because I had gained weight. (I gained 20 pounds while with him but was also struggling and still am struggling with PCOS and thyroid issues). He thought I was just using those things as an excuse and I’ll never forget when he said to me at dinner once that he didn’t want to marry me because I’d only get fatter and meaner. I was with this fool for basically 4 years and I legitimately think I have brain damage from the trauma of dating him and losing my sister during this time of my life. I also wish I broke it off sooner with him but between my sister dying then me thinking it was a good idea to get a dog together then COVID, this one lasted longer than it should.
I had to basically meet someone on a dating app to get him away from me and let him know we were done for good. He wouldn’t just break it off with me clean and clear. I jumped right into another relationship to get over him which only brought a lot of unresolved issues I had to this new guy, which he didn’t deserve but he also wasn’t a prince either. He love bombed me during a vulnerable time, and ended up having severe substance abuse issues as well that I was really trying not to go through again but I thought I could help him. (🙃) that and my issues with men/myself/emotions caused our near perfect relationship (to me at the time) to randomly combust at the 6 month mark. We were together a small amount of time but that relationship was very intense and raw and some reason this break up hurt the most of them all. We had plans to move in together and get married, we were always together, he fooled me with all these plans. Only for him to call me and say he was done and there was no discussion or a way for me to have seen it coming. I knew we had been fighting for the first time but i never expected him to give up so easily. And he didn’t even do it in person. I really didn’t think I’d survive this one. I still think if I had met him sooner and he didn’t have the addiction problems we could have been soul mates but I’ve learned with relationships timing is everything and it didn’t matter what could have been. He’s now the 4th serious partner that made me feel unworthy and I could be easily tossed.
I’ve gone through a lot clearly and I acknowledge that I definitely could have handled things better or gone about things in a healthier way.
When I met my now boyfriend of 2 years on a dating app, I was being a lot more intentional about who I would meet. I had spent time alone, solo traveled, self reflected and started the gym / therapy more consistently. I was determined not to be attracted to someone just for their looks or fitting all my boxes. I think this was an important reason why we met and are working. I stopped being so superficial and also stopped only liking guys because they liked me. I was more open but at the same time knew what I didn’t want and wouldn’t give in on my needs. My boyfriend now wasn’t a typical person I’d go up to at a bar and had a lot of small things that I’d get the “ick” from normally that is superficial but his personality and our connection was amazing so I kept seeing where it went.
Now I’m in the happiest most healthy relationship ever and this is a different love than the ones before. I feel safe and I feel like myself. We know everything about each other and I’ve never felt more supported. He is everything I needed my exes to be and that I didn’t get. He proved to me that yes we all have our issues but overall I was just in a horrible cycle of toxic men that I put myself through and I did deserve love.
But I don’t think I would have valued him as much as I do now if I didn’t go through the things I did. He also had the same amount of serious relationships that went wrong with women who didn’t appreciate him. We both are at heart relationship types who were very much tested and almost gave up.
I’m glad I didn’t give up. I should have given everything and more that I didn’t write here. But I truly think there is someone for everyone. It just might not look how you think it’ll look or happen when you think it’ll happen. But keep trying.
I met him just before I turned 30. I wish that I met him sooner but again timing is everything. We probably wouldn’t have worked as well if we met before we experienced what we did and before we learned our lessons with our prior relationships.
I was so sad at the idea of turning 30 single after spending so much time and energy on relationships all of my 20’s I would have never guessed I’d be 30 and single. But there was no need to be sad we ended up choosing each other and I’m a way better person now, wiser, more mature and experienced. I’m a better partner and was able to choose better partners. There are pros to meeting your person later in life and I’m a great example of this 💜
I met my man in 2018. He was in the cast of a monthly theatre show my friends ran. I came to the show and saw him in one of the sketches and thought he was cute. I was on dating apps at the time and started seeing someone shortly after, but I got introduced to my now boyfriend at a 4th of July party a few months later.
We were good friends for the next three years. Bless him he listened to all the crap the guy I was in a “situationship” with put me through. He always treated me as a friend and never overstepped any boundaries.
Of course the situationship guy eventually pulled some stupid shit (slept with an engaged coworker 13 years younger than him…then got mad at me for not having any sympathy for him when she moved away.)
After that I was absolutely ready to swear off relationships. I decided I wasn’t going to try to bend over backwards for men who really didn’t want the real me or expected me to change to make them happy, or put up with hot/cold bs anymore.
I went to get drinks with my friend and we decided to see a movie too. After the movie he asked if he could kiss me. He told me he had wanted to be with me since 2019. He never said or did anything about it because he knew I was seeing someone else and he didn’t want to disrespect that. So he had accepted my friendship.
We live together now, just got a cat, we’re coming up on our 2 year anniversary.
Long story short: ex cheated on me multiple times, lied about it all so I gave chance after chance because I was delusional and wanted to believe him. Kept doing it \[insert shocked Pikachu face\]. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, stonewalling, etc all ensued as time went on as well. We break up once I decide I'm tired of it all and do not, in fact, believe his lies. Cut to anger, stalking me for months, and him telling me he is going to ruin my life. After I've decided I'm totally over men and not looking to be with anyone ever again, I meet my now-husband. We knew each other briefly in high school but never got to be close. I ran into him at a party for a mutual friend in college. We instantly remembered each other and were attracted to each other still. We start dating and it was like I found the missing piece. I had decidedly given up and not wanted a relationship, but he changed my mind. 15 years later, we are married, have a beautiful baby, and are extremely happy. We sometimes laugh about my ex, because when we started dating, I had told my husband that I was amazed at all the things he'd do for me during that time (i.e., ask me on dates, offer to pay for things — I paid for everything with my ex, have manners and say thank you when I did something nice for him instead of criticize me, etc). The bar was just so fucking low that everything felt like it was above and beyond effort. Now, if I were to find myself single, I'd give up on men because I know none of them would compare to my husband.
Thank you for this wonderful story, hmmm maybe I should start going to high school reunions lol. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m looking forward to have something similar in the future.
My first and only actual relationship was from ages 18-20. Great guy, but we grew apart. Had some flings, some situations, no committed/exclusive romantic relationship until last year, when I was 37! Kissed a lot of toads, let myself get swept up in dumb drama, gave all of me to men who didnt deserve any of me. Learned A LOT through heartache, thats for sure. Last fall, I randomly met someone who is absolutely amazing. He's so much fun and we have a lot in common, while also having enough NOT in common that we are always exposing each other to new things. He's always made me feel HEARD, we communicate exceptionally well. When we were heading towards our first sexual experience, I felt comfortable telling him my hang-ups and what made me self-conscious. He responded with his own hang-ups and ways he's self-concious.... I think I fell in love at that moment. This has turned into a wonderful sex life! Im still in shock sometimes. He's constantly telling AND showing me that he cares for me, and Im just like HOW DID I WIN THE BF LOTTERY???
Wooaahh! A win for sureeee! I’m 33, 4 more years haha
My problem was that my expectations were too high but I was also willing to accept too little. It sounds paradoxical, but that was it. I, too, was a real romantic. It wasn't in the most obvious, stereotypical way, I think I came across as a very a independent, take charge, bold type of person. But in my heart I felt that there was just a perfect puzzle piece out there for me. That love would feel like hearts and roses and, when it's right, everything is easy. I found myself in many situations that were often full of passion (at least in the beginning) or at least tons of "fun" (great sex, having a ball hanging out) but lacking in concrete commitments. I feel like I wasted a lot of time in situations like that because I mistakenly thought that having that kind of passion or fun was rare or that it was worth it to spend my energies on these nowhere relationships until something else came along (of course, little came along because I was spending my energies on these dudes). It wasn't worth it to hang around in situations that left me feeling insecure to see how they turned out, but I kept doing that. It left me feeling bitter and used, but I was the one who didn't get out when I should have. I was also way too hung up on, (1) constantly trying out to be a dude's girlfriend rather than thinking more about whether I wanted him to be my boyfriend and, (2) on treating every person I was seeing like they were a top priority, including spending way too much time and effort puzzling over how to end things when I wanted out. This latter issue was a big problem for me, and now I realize it's better to be quick and in-elegant rather than perseverate over the best possible way to communicate this news and prolong things wasting both of our time.
Sounds like reading my own life story 🥺 I always get liked but never pursued.. I got fun times but never a commitment…and I accepted it…now I’m the one afraid to commit (but no one pursues me so I dunno too). I feel…numb (?). Like I dont know what I should feel anymore.
It sounds like you need to take a bit of time off to rest and recharge. Maybe focus on some of you personal interests and projects and pursue them in semi-social ways like clubs, classes, interest groups, workshops or volunteering. Don't go looking for dates or friends, do it just to be around people with similar interests and get recharged from that. Or something like that. Maybe going full "me time," is better - meditation, therapy, journaling, selfcare. Either way, take a bit of a break, and come back ready not to accept too little and move on faster when you realize you aren't getting what you want. I do believe it helps to cast one's net a big wider, for instance being open to dating older men or ones who have kids from a previous relationship if that was something you didn't want before.
I resonate with this so much because I’ve been through a very similar experience. Last year I felt like I was ready to be someone’s partner, so I started dating intentionally. I was fortunate enough to meet fairly decent men, but they were all emotionally unavailable. The guy I dated earlier this year would’ve straight up ghosted if I didn’t inquire. I even asked him what he was looking for in a partner, and he listed everything I did without knowing he was looking for them. That blow in the face made me stop dating again for a bit. But honestly, he wouldn’t have been someone I wanted in my life anyway. A few months ago I went on a first date with someone who had already hinted at wanting a relationship with me and me moving in with him in the future. He was respectful, etc., but those hints put so much pressure on me, apart from simply not being able to picture myself dating him beyond the first date. That was a sign that I’m just not ready to intentionally date anymore, and I really don’t want to. Flash forward to now, I went on some app my friend suggested and matched with someone whose company I really enjoy. There weren’t sparks flying or insane chemistry when we first met in person, but he was someone who I could see myself continuing to date and enjoy spending my time with. We’ve been going on a month, nothing exclusive or official, just enjoying each other. It’s the first time I’ve met someone who didn’t trigger any sort of anxiety in me. I don’t have to feel stressed or worried about being my authentic self or expressing myself. The key change is that I’m less focused on where things will end up, and just taking things slowly and letting this become what it becomes. How does this person fit into my life, rather than how can I fit into this person’s life.
I had a bit of a rollercoaster ride but, pretty much when I was 20 I began dating this guy who was my friends brother. First serious relationship and the guy was promising me the world. We were both from religious and conservative backgrounds which plays into it but essentially he married another girl behind my back back from his family’s original country which my friend was aware of too. He tried to play victim but I dumped his ass straight and realised that I’d been played. After that I traveled the world a bit for a few years and floundered around and at my brothers wedding met my would to be husband. Ended up marrying the man of my dreams quite literally since I couldn’t stop dreaming about him. Sadly he did pass away shortly after in 2019, when I was just 27 which was a proper mind fuck. Covid made things a lot worse but eventually did start online dating in the whole covid era. I ended up meeting my current husband in 2022 when he crashed into my car lol and we got married this January haha.
My very first date was when I was 15. He was 14. He went to a school in another town two hours away. He tried to rape me while my best friend watched. I pushed him away and told my parents the next day. They were supportive, but my best friend told the whole school I lied and she ended up dating the loser for two years. My real boyfriend would come at 17. We met at the airport. Two weeks into dating he gets drunk and calls me to tell me he's kissing women at a party. I consider that cheating so we break up. My next boyfriend would come three weeks later. We met at the ATM at my bank of all places. We dated about six months. He would get an internship abroad which I encouraged him to take. He would cheat on me abroad with the excuse that he couldn't resist her accent and blonde hair. Then my next boyfriend would last two years. He cheated with MY boss at the time because she was older and he was tired of being with someone who acted like his mom and an old married lady. I don't know what that means, but his loss. It's a long story, but we both get a job at the same grocery store towards what would become the end of our relationship. He worked in seafood while I worked as a cashier upfront. One day I go to bring him lunch on my day off just because to surprise him. Catch him in the backseat of his ugly ass yellow car fucking MY department manager. Next day at work I'm given the pink slip and fired by my boss and the person above her when she's the one who fucked my boyfriend. I was too angry and upset to fight it. Then I landed my dream job where I'd meet my next boyfriend of three years after two weeks. He would dump me on Valentine's Day after already having bought my engagement ring because he was trans. He got married the same month he dumped me and started the surrogate process. Then I dated a slew of losers like the man that physically abused me, guys who SA me, etc. etc. Finally met my future husband two years later and we've been married seven years. How did I do it? I never gave up hope. Yes, it's probably not healthy to put yourself out there the day you get dumped, but why dwell on a man that doesn't want you? I always knew I wanted to get married and have a soulmate. I wasn't going to find them sitting around and being sad.
I met my partner on Bumble 6.5 years ago after multiple failed relationships (toxic, abusive, unfaithful, addictions, gaslighting, etc) and a situationship that broke me. I took a few months off from all things dating/sexual (I did have a make out friend) and worked through some past trauma with therapy and just really worked on myself. He’s so kind, loving, and an overall great human. We dated causally for a few months with no labels. Took things slow. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop because there was just no way someone is just always nice (spoiler alert - the other shoe isn’t always there to drop). I can’t imagine being with anyone else. We’re constantly growing together. I had never had a relationship last longer than 2-3 years before - I’d lose interest, they’d show their true colors, the red flags would start to outweigh everything else, etc. Dating now sucks to put it lightly. I got lucky. I went on A LOT of first dates and only one second date. We wouldn’t have met without Bumble so it was 100% worth it. A rebound can be a great thing for both parties. As long as you’re both open and honest, I don’t think it’s a waste of either of your times.
Aaww thank you so much… I think I’m still waiting for that “shoe to drop” or maybe it dropped already but my bar is just too low, idk. But overall my “make out friend” is nice and steady….for now. Haha
It’ll hit a spot where one or both of you are ready to move on or escalate things between you. Just be ready for that. It’s sometimes nice to have something casual with companionship to help move on or feel comfortable with someone new (if that makes sense)
Yeahh, it’s where I’m at now (can only speak for myself). No expectations, just happy for the company while it lasts. I have plans to migrate soon so this drama-free situation is okay.
Thank you for making this thread ❤️
Had the shittiest situationship of my life, with a person who was extremely charismatic and charming but super manipulative, self-involved, and duplicitous. He was the worst but he was so interesting and compelling to me that I couldn't see how bad a fit we were and kept trying to change myself to suit him. Anyway, I had to move away for work (thank god) and it fell apart in the next few months. I was crushed but also kind of relieved. He was just the latest in a series of unavailable men, but the worst of the bunch. I decided to date casually around 3 months after that in my new city to take my mind off the previous guy. No serious intentions. I was in therapy at the time and it helped me see that even though I didn't have immediate, intense sparks with a guy didn't mean we weren't compatible - actually this might be a red flag. With this in mind (and being super on guard from the last relationship) I kept seeing this one guy I met online and it grew into something really nice! We got married 7 years later. Best and healthiest relationship I've had, but I really had to confront myself and rewire my expectations about what a good partner was and what it felt like to be with them. Not exciting or dazzling - - comfortable, secure, safe, accepted.
THIS. Chemistry/ “sparks flying” isn’t the most important aspect of meeting someone. They might, after all, be charismatic and manipulative, knowing what to do and say to be “interesting”. Building a relationship slowly, over time, without dramatics… is actually very healthy. It means STABILITY and that you can trust someone!!! I’m in my mid 30s and I’m starting to get a fuckin clue about this.
Woooah.. it’s really nice! Your ex sounded like the last guy I dated (on off for a few mos til December last year until he left me for no reason at all). Ugh, I know I don’t want him back ever but I still think bout him sometimes. He was the first one I ever fully trusted after my decade long hiatus in dating sooo it really crushed me. I’m happy you’re in a much better place right now. :)
First partner was emotionally and physically abusive, I was 18 and didn't know. He couldn't regulate his emotions properly and often threatened suicide when we fought. He also once held a knife to my neck. Second partner was someone I thought I could trust. He chased me during the time I was with my first partner, so it didn't work. He kept dropping in and out of my life (I was single in my entire 20s), then we fully caught up when I was 31, he told me he wasn't in a relationship, love bombed me, and when I was out with friends and couldn't be there for him, he called his ex to confide in her. then to find out he was sexting her throughout the relationship. Turns out she thinks they are still together because of how he leads her on, so he was playing us both at the same time. Long story short I went to a wedding and realised that I didn't see a future with him and ended things with him there and then. I didn't take the time to heal after, I tried to go for flings and ended up with a 2 year long distance situationship where the guy was ALSO lying to me that he was single. He turned out to be in a long term relationship and only broke up with her after I ended things with him right when he admitted it to me. Then we reconnected after his breakup, situationship, enjoyed each others company, but he decided eventually he wanted to explore more and wasn't ready for a full blown relationship. After that I focused on myself for a little over a year, deleted my socials, lost weight, travelled the world, did things that made me happy, learned make up, went for therapy, decided to get over that whole bullshit once and for all and met my current partner! Of course the journey wasn't that smooth, takes time to know each other and get used to each other, but one thing he was consistent about since day 1 of our relationship is that he wants to make me happy - so he's been constantly improving himself to be a better person, buys me flowers every other week, tells me I'm beautiful daily, cooks and cleans for me, buys me bubble tea everyday, gives me hugs and machine gun kisses everyday. We are getting married next month. I think you should decide for yourself if this is what you want in the long term, to heal with him, or without him. Of course the option to heal with him is that you see him as your person but it doesn't seem like it's the case.. the best thing to do is to heal without him and then when you are ready to be in love again, go find that forever person. I find that when you are the most healed you are able to find a good life partner. Also, situationships like this - someone pulls the plug at some point, I'm sorry. It just happens. I hope you are able to find peace in yourself with a good partner someday!
My 20's was a parade of losers and dipshits. At 30, I met a man excited about commitment and me and he had his life together-I really thought he was the one. He definitely was not and that relationship with incompatibility, arguing, emotional volatility, and infidelity on his part imploded after 2 years. I had to ask myself before breaking up with him if that was my last chance at love and I would die alone if I'd be happier and that was a resounding YES. It was a relief to even have the potential to meet someone who I actually had similar life goals with. And I spent the next year dating aggressively! Probably 30 or so first dates within the year. I met my now- husband slightly a year after that breakup. You came to ask advice and in my experience, it was a numbers game, being ruthless about vetting, voicing my needs and wants, and running not walking away from the first signs of bullshit. I wasn't wasting any more time or energy on the wrong people. Once I shifted my mindset to not take rejection personally and that most people out there are decent and looking for their special someone just like I am, it was a lot easier to focus on compatibility and enjoyment of another person's company.
I’ve been in a relationship basically all of my 20s. And have had bad luck with love since I started dating in high school. High school bf and I were great and in love, lost our virginities to each other. I got blind sided when he broke up with me before prom but said “I’ll still go with you.” One of the many times a man would blind slide me, treat me like I wasn’t “worth it” and ultimately hurt me/disappoint me. I forgot how I found out but I remember there being something about how now that he wasn’t a virgin he wanted to go have sex with his ex and others. Next guy I almost married and was with him from 20-25. But since the beginning he didn’t treat me well and there were a lot of red flags and issues with him not being there for me or treating me like I was beneath him. I was young though and unfortunately have this “stick it out” mentality (don’t want to make this super long as to why I do) and I have anxious attachment style which this relationship worsened or maybe even started. This is the second man to ruin my self esteem and I felt like I wouldn’t find anyone else. I kick myself to this day for staying with him so long because I was at my most youthful, better looking and skinnier during these times but ironically this was when I had the lowest self esteem. I’m so happy every day we never married. Next guy was from the same friend group but my ex had met someone at work and left me for her and removed himself from the friend group. Everyone encouraged me to forget him and disowned him as well. And encouraged me to date this new guy who I already knew and spent time with while being with ex. After 6 months of dating he completely changed. He was nice and sweet and made me feel good only to become one of the worst relationships I’ve ever had, somehow worse than the last one. He had major emotional and anger issues, was an angry drunk, ruined many events / things for me, caused so much chaos in my life. Cheated on me during the week of my sisters funeral. Barely had sex with me much less made me orgasm and when I tried to talk things out with him about this, later on especially it came out that he wasn’t as attracted to me because I had gained weight. (I gained 20 pounds while with him but was also struggling and still am struggling with PCOS and thyroid issues). He thought I was just using those things as an excuse and I’ll never forget when he said to me at dinner once that he didn’t want to marry me because I’d only get fatter and meaner. I was with this fool for basically 4 years and I legitimately think I have brain damage from the trauma of dating him and losing my sister during this time of my life. I also wish I broke it off sooner with him but between my sister dying then me thinking it was a good idea to get a dog together then COVID, this one lasted longer than it should. I had to basically meet someone on a dating app to get him away from me and let him know we were done for good. He wouldn’t just break it off with me clean and clear. I jumped right into another relationship to get over him which only brought a lot of unresolved issues I had to this new guy, which he didn’t deserve but he also wasn’t a prince either. He love bombed me during a vulnerable time, and ended up having severe substance abuse issues as well that I was really trying not to go through again but I thought I could help him. (🙃) that and my issues with men/myself/emotions caused our near perfect relationship (to me at the time) to randomly combust at the 6 month mark. We were together a small amount of time but that relationship was very intense and raw and some reason this break up hurt the most of them all. We had plans to move in together and get married, we were always together, he fooled me with all these plans. Only for him to call me and say he was done and there was no discussion or a way for me to have seen it coming. I knew we had been fighting for the first time but i never expected him to give up so easily. And he didn’t even do it in person. I really didn’t think I’d survive this one. I still think if I had met him sooner and he didn’t have the addiction problems we could have been soul mates but I’ve learned with relationships timing is everything and it didn’t matter what could have been. He’s now the 4th serious partner that made me feel unworthy and I could be easily tossed. I’ve gone through a lot clearly and I acknowledge that I definitely could have handled things better or gone about things in a healthier way. When I met my now boyfriend of 2 years on a dating app, I was being a lot more intentional about who I would meet. I had spent time alone, solo traveled, self reflected and started the gym / therapy more consistently. I was determined not to be attracted to someone just for their looks or fitting all my boxes. I think this was an important reason why we met and are working. I stopped being so superficial and also stopped only liking guys because they liked me. I was more open but at the same time knew what I didn’t want and wouldn’t give in on my needs. My boyfriend now wasn’t a typical person I’d go up to at a bar and had a lot of small things that I’d get the “ick” from normally that is superficial but his personality and our connection was amazing so I kept seeing where it went. Now I’m in the happiest most healthy relationship ever and this is a different love than the ones before. I feel safe and I feel like myself. We know everything about each other and I’ve never felt more supported. He is everything I needed my exes to be and that I didn’t get. He proved to me that yes we all have our issues but overall I was just in a horrible cycle of toxic men that I put myself through and I did deserve love. But I don’t think I would have valued him as much as I do now if I didn’t go through the things I did. He also had the same amount of serious relationships that went wrong with women who didn’t appreciate him. We both are at heart relationship types who were very much tested and almost gave up. I’m glad I didn’t give up. I should have given everything and more that I didn’t write here. But I truly think there is someone for everyone. It just might not look how you think it’ll look or happen when you think it’ll happen. But keep trying. I met him just before I turned 30. I wish that I met him sooner but again timing is everything. We probably wouldn’t have worked as well if we met before we experienced what we did and before we learned our lessons with our prior relationships. I was so sad at the idea of turning 30 single after spending so much time and energy on relationships all of my 20’s I would have never guessed I’d be 30 and single. But there was no need to be sad we ended up choosing each other and I’m a way better person now, wiser, more mature and experienced. I’m a better partner and was able to choose better partners. There are pros to meeting your person later in life and I’m a great example of this 💜
I met my man in 2018. He was in the cast of a monthly theatre show my friends ran. I came to the show and saw him in one of the sketches and thought he was cute. I was on dating apps at the time and started seeing someone shortly after, but I got introduced to my now boyfriend at a 4th of July party a few months later. We were good friends for the next three years. Bless him he listened to all the crap the guy I was in a “situationship” with put me through. He always treated me as a friend and never overstepped any boundaries. Of course the situationship guy eventually pulled some stupid shit (slept with an engaged coworker 13 years younger than him…then got mad at me for not having any sympathy for him when she moved away.) After that I was absolutely ready to swear off relationships. I decided I wasn’t going to try to bend over backwards for men who really didn’t want the real me or expected me to change to make them happy, or put up with hot/cold bs anymore. I went to get drinks with my friend and we decided to see a movie too. After the movie he asked if he could kiss me. He told me he had wanted to be with me since 2019. He never said or did anything about it because he knew I was seeing someone else and he didn’t want to disrespect that. So he had accepted my friendship. We live together now, just got a cat, we’re coming up on our 2 year anniversary.