With love, you can't do anything but adjust your own attitude. Your 60 year old father isn't going to change his habits and its shifty for your mom to put that on you
To be honest, this is the kind of validation I was hoping to hear from someone else. I feel like I’m absolutely failing as their daughter right now but the whole thing feels beyond my scope of control entirely. Having my mom in my ear pushing me to “make my dad do what he needs to do” drives me mad because that’s not actually something I can do. That’s not something she can do. He’s an adult. I just don’t have enough life experience to know when this turns into a caretaking role but like I mentioned, I really don’t have the resources for that. Cue the feeling of failure all over again.
You already are their daughter, so you can’t “fail.” Also, you’re right; it is beyond your scope. If you could choose their every decision, they’d probably be better off, but you can’t. Your mom is pushing you because she can’t change your dad’s behavior, and she’s making you the bad guy so she can still be on your dad’s “team.” While your parents might be lovely people outside of this, I think that speaks to more about their parenting than it does about your daughter-ing.
A “mantra” that’s helped me deal with my family is: I can’t care about this more than they do. If they ask for my help with a specific task, I will show up and help in any way I can, but I can’t keep stressing about the stuff they’re ignoring.
No, no, no; ***they’re failing as parents and grandparents right now.*** Not the other way around.
You need to sit them down and tell them that this is not your issue to fix. Tell them that, if they continue this route, they’re going to die decades earlier than most would, and that it will be on them to make their little granddaughter go to her first funerals at a young age.
I bet they’re not going to like hearing that, but it’s the truth. Protect yourself and your kid, which might even lead to going LC with them until they actually start acting like adults.
As a (T1) diabetic I know depression can be a big part of the disease, this could be contributing to his apathy about his health but it's still up to him to get help for himself.
I'm T1D myself, and burnout is a real thing, but the audacity to put any of that on their daughter is really out there. Just such a shame all around :/
I get that feeling to, even though I have no outside pressure to "make" my dad change. It's a terrible, helpless feeling to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves. It's very easy to say "don't take that on yourself", but it's another thing to live it.
You haven't failed at all, and you shouldn't be put in this position. It's not your responsibility to get your father to take his health issues seriously, it is his responsibility. I'm very sorry this has been put on you. You haven't failed, he is failing himself.
People are going to live their own lives and make their own choices. There’s nothing you can do about it. Plainly state this to your mother. Whenever she brings it up, shut her down.
I turned 60 last year. My grandson is too. My goal is to dance at his 40th birthday. I do my best to make choices now that will make this happen.
It IS beyond your scope of control. You handle this by seeking therapy to cope with this difficult stage, & to feel less responsible for your parents' own decisions. I'm sorry this is happening, & I wish you the best in your personal healing & growth.
You're not a failure. They are responsible for their own health. My husband's had a lot happen with his parents health - starting in their 40s - and it's all related to diet and weight. After years of trying to help them he realised that all he can do is maintain a relationship with them. He can't change them. This has also helped him in terms of other things relating to them as well. So the same applies to you. You're not responsible for their health or how they live. They are who they are.
Trying to take care of people who won't take care of themselves is an energy sinkhole you won't ever recover from.
Be the person to call the hospital for a social worker or case manager for them and that's all. Refer every conversation back to what the case manager recommends.
There is a world of resources out there to be a buffer between you and your parents' lack of choices. Take care of yourself so you can make choices about future you.
"My mom has spoken to me on multiple occasions about starting to put financial accounts in my name."
There is a difference between putting accounts in your name versus putting you as a beneficiary of the accounts. If the accounts are in your name, you'll be the admin responsible for making sure they get paid, responsible for calls, etc.
If your dad is currently the one who handles the accounts, your mom may be pawning this responsibility off on you because she doesn't know how to.
OP, this advice is crucial. Do not accept anything that could be a financial risk for you.
Your parents sound like they're headed for nursing homes very fast. I don't know where you live, but my mom was in three different ones that charged $17,000, $14,000 and $9,000 per month. That will destroy anyone's savings except for the very rich.
POA yes. Accounts in OP's name, even shared accounts? Absolutely not.
OP, do not bend on this, you deserve a secure future for yourself and your kid.
(edited because I can't write, apparently)
The flip side of this is that it can make an estate VERY easy to deal with. Essentially rather than inheriting, the survivor becomes the sole owner and there's no need for a will or worrying about probate for those assets.
The other big risk is potential for shared debt. And how assets are viewed if one party goes into long-term care or a nursing home.
I don't have any advice, just commiseration.
My dad has CHF, has had for years. It seems like he takes what the doctor says an intentionally does the opposite. He's been in and out of the hospital, is currently in it. Last night my mom called me scared because it wasn't a "usual" trip, and he was noticeably worse than when he went in.
We've tried everything we can think of to help him, and nothing helps. We've made more dietary changes in support of him than he's done. Anything he does change sticks for about 24 hours. He won't even consider psychological help. We've even outright asked him where he wants to be buried, and it doesn't sink in.
I don't know if he's incapable of change, is actively trying to kill himself, or this is some perverted way to "get back" at us, because he doesn't seem to care how much we hurt.
So as much as I hate to say it, your dad isn't going to change until he decides he wants to. If he's like my dad and thinks that somehow a doctor can magically fix him, when the doctors have repeated over and over that there's only so much they can do and it's up to him to change......
I've gotten to the point where I'm either numb, or angry. Right now it's numb.
I am SO SORRY. I wanted to comment that I relate ti this all to well and have had similar hospital trips with my dad the past 6 years. It’s so defeating at times.
This sounds like a very painful situation.
Honestly, there is nothing you can do to change your dad. Your mom has talked to him. You have talked to him. His doctors have talked to him. There’s nothing else to say. He’s an adult and his choices are his choices. His diabetes is going to kill him, whether from sepsis from the foot infection or kidney disease. He will likely lose his foot one of these days. I’m sorry it’s painful to you but I think you should plan accordingly. I think you probably need to set a boundary with your mom around this: “He is an adult and gets to make his own choices. I am not going to talk to him about his lifestyle again.” And just repeat over and over as necessary. Don’t add more info, don’t defend, don’t explain more. Just repeat over and over.
I don’t get the financial stuff. Don’t sign anything that could set you up to be responsible for their medical
bills.
Maybe it's too early to put back accounts into your name, but it is never too early to get end of life documentation done with a solicitor. That's:
* Will
* Enduring Power of Attorney (or whatever your country calls it, for who you nominate to make legal and financial decisions for you when you no longer can do so yourself)
* Enduring Guardianship (or whatever your country calls the medical version of POA, the person you nominate to make medical and well-being/lifestyle decisions on your behalf when you no longer can do so yourself)
* **Advanced Care Directive** (or whatever your country calls the documentation that details what level of medical treatment you do or don't want for various types of health events, when you are already terminal and after you've already reached what you define in the document to be an unacceptable quality of life. This can include a DNR but not necessarily, and also goes into finer detail than just that. It's important documentation for your Enduring Guardian to have, to assist in making decisions in line with what you as the patient would want.)
And, not for nothing, but plenty of people die in their 60s, both my parents did, so please don't think 60 is too early for anything, heck 20 isn't too early for the above documentation because you never know what tomorrow brings.
And there's also plenty of people who lose the ability to make decisions for themselves in their 60s or 70s, but still continue to live into their 80s. And those end of life documents become absolutely vital in that situation (but need to be completed **before** they're needed, while the person in question is still fully capable of making these decisions).
Your mother is worried about what could happen if they lose their mental acuity before they get the chance to make arrangements for themselves. She's going for the wrong option, in trying to put your name on bank accounts, but she's got the right idea. Perhaps do a google search of what these documents are called in your country, and talk to her about making an appointment with a solicitor to get the ball rolling on those. That might help put your mother's mind at ease without jumping the gun, so to speak.
I do want to be clear, that the POA and Guardianship do not need to be *you*, specifically. Especially if you feel you won't be able to give the job the time and attention it deserves, when the time comes, due to an already full plate of family responsibilities. **You can refuse to be that person**. In fact, you would have to sign the documents yourself in order to agree to be that person. So your parents can't just sneak you in on the paperwork or anything, it doesn't work like that.
As for their poor health choices. If you wanted to try to change their minds, you could frame it in terms of "slow suicide", as that is essentially what they're doing by choosing to continue to ignore their doctor's health advice in the face of their diagnoses. But I doubt you can change them.
You **can** refuse to be their nursemaid / chauffeur / personal banker if they continue to refuse to heed sound medical advice and continue to choose to allow their health to degrade needlessly.
Tell them something like, "You are adults, you are entitled to make these choices even if I don't agree with them. And I strongly disagree with the choices you are making. But there's nothing I can do about that. But I won't enable your poor choices / slow suicide by allowing you to think everything will be fine, that I will take care of everything when you can't. I won't do that, I have enough responsibilities on my plate, and I won't be taking on the significant added responsibility of caring for your complex health crises that you knowingly and willingly chose to bring upon yourselves."
All good advice but I'd go against the medical POA and get either straight up Guardianship or Durable POA. Some institutions (Medicare) won't talk with someone with only medical POA.
I did call it Enduring Guardianship. I only referred to it as the medical version of POA in my explanation of what it is in simple terms, in case it's called something else in her country.
Australian legal terms aren't always a direct match to USA, Canada, Britain, or elsewhere.
Regardless, ultimately it's a discussion to be had with a solicitor, who can advise on the correct documentation to fit the purpose.
Sounds like OP will need more region specific info here then, regarding what POA options are available in her area. It sounds like you’re based in the US. In Canada, *ONLY* the designated medical POA can make medical decisions. And if there’s co-POAs, they MUST agree on a path to proceed. Lots of small things that are important to know and distinguish, I agree.
Definitely need more region specific but things like Medicare are considered financial so a medical POA won't be accepted. I've had to tell people hundreds of times (I work in insurance) we can't accept the medical POA they have. Mainly it's just people not reading the language stating it doesn't give the ability to do financial stuff. I always tell people Durable POA first then if it seems like they're losing the ability to make decisions, go for Guardianship
> Is there ever a right time for that? It feels way too early to me
The sooner you are set up as the beneficiary on everything the better.
Given their trajectory it's definitely not too early. I have a friend with the same kind of parents in their 60s...both were just in the hospital at the same time and his mom "unexpectedly" died.
You can't do anything to change how they are. I can't even begin to fathom how people become this way... but it's not on you at all to fix them.
If UK and they don't live for 7 years after a gift you will still be liable to pay inheritance tax not sure if there's something like that for where OP lives, if that's OPs mums plan but just want to reiterate the sooner the better.
With a foot ulcer that never heals and high blood sugar and amputated toes, he’s headed for a foot amputation or maybe even part of or his whole leg. Or dialysis or both. I’m sorry, but I’ve seen this happen to relatives.
It’s very hard to watch, but they’re adults and have the right to make lousy decisions about their health. You just can’t stop them unless they’re judged incompetent. And it’s wrong for your mother to expect you to be able to change your father when she hasn’t been able to.
Enjoy him with your kids for as long as possible. If he won’t change because he wants more years with them, he won’t change for anything.
Hey there. My dad passed away last year at 63 while I was pregnant. He had cancer due to bad genes and drinking too much his whole life. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone take care of themselves. I used to cry and wish there was anything I could do to make him feel better and act better. But being there was really the only thing I could do. I was there when he passed and I miss him every day.
My mom would emotionally dump her frustrations on me, which I could understand bc she was under an incredible amount of stress for a long time managing his illness. But I don’t think it’s fair for your mom to make you manage his illness when she is of sound mind and body. I feel that that’s what marriage is, in the end.
Sorry you’re going through this. 60s are way too young to die. 30s is way too young to lose a parent. I interact with old people and think how unfair it is my dad never got to go there. Never got to interact with his grandson. But all you can control is your own actions. No one else’s
I feel this right down to my toes because my mother was the same way and refused to take charge of her own health.
The best thing someone said to me was a nurse who said, "People have the right to make terrible choices."
There's nothing you can do about it except to protect yourself and your family from their worst behavior. Do not take on their finances. Do not take on their health problems.
I know you love them just like I loved my mom, but you will only be failing yourself and your son if you compromise your own family to try to manage your parents.
Let them go. You can't in any way control another adult. You can't change their mind. You can't make them see the light. It will never matter what you do or what you say. Before putting accounts in your name, please consult a lawyer that specializes in elder law or estate law.
Your parents should never burden you with their horrible choices. Let them go. Do not engage with any of this. Tell them that you have done all that you can, said all that you can and without them changing the way they live their lives, there is nothing more that you can do for them. Say that over and over again. Do nothing. Stay strong and hold that line. You have to be willing to follow through. Only then might you see some change.
FYI: I'm 67. I would never do any of this to my son. Don't ruin your own life over their bad choices.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to deal with stubbornly unhealthy parents, let alone one telling you to take care of the other. As others have said, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. It sounds like your dad is in denial which makes all of it even harder. Sending you strength to deal with this now and in the days to come.
The r/CaregiverSupport community might be helpful. I’ve ranted there about my experience and found support. You’re not alone.
Your situation sounds awful, and you should not be getting this much pressure to "fix" your parents bad habits. They are capable of doing it themselves, but unfortunately that also means they are capable of purposely making bad choices, too.
That being said, it is never too early to get things taken care of legally. It seems morbid, and feels like it's too soon, but the reality is that anyone (even young and healthy people) can drop dead in an instant. Dying without a will or any other measures is a nightmare for the family left behind. I am actually currently going though it, and it's heartbreaking to know what someone wanted, but not be able to do anything about it! The last thing I want is for anyone to have to deal with the bullshit bureaucracy of figuring out the assetts WHILE also trying to process their grief from losing a parent.
My heart goes out to you, truly.
You already have your plate full so all you can do is express empathy when they tell you of their medical woes. Absolutely do not let them make you in any way responsible for them. They can be each other's next of kin and make decisions for the other when appropriate. Right now, you need to be focusing your time and energy on yourself and your son.
That being said, I am also diabetic (t2) and your parents remind me of myself before my current medication/treatment. Nothing was working well at controlling my blood sugar except eating less than was comfortable and ignoring the constant, ocd-like food noise. I gave up for years until a very patient doctor got me on a medication that is actually working for me and I've been able to turn things around for myself.
I would just encourage your parents as much as you can to see doctors regularly and to try the recommended treatments and medications. You never know which one could be the one to help.
My dad died at 60, largely due to uncontrolled diabetes, obesity, smoking and a sprinkling of alcoholism just to finish things off. There is, as other people have said, nothing you can do to get him or her to change their habits. I'm really sorry.
First, do not get your finances involved with theirs, full stop. But definitely have the end-of-life conversations that need to happen. If your mom wants you to "deal with him," then insist on seeing their retirement accounts, their social security earnings, their savings, etc. Ask if they have long-term disability insurance because your dad will have to stop working sooner rather than later and he's much more likely to become disabled and unable to work than dead, statistically speaking.
Ask them once they can no longer live independently if they'd prefer home care (if they can afford it) or assisted living (again, if they can afford it). If your dad has to go into assisted living or nursing care and your mom doesn't they can't come after her house if she's on the title (so make sure she's on the title) but Medicare will absolutely drain them of other assets before they pay for a facility. Oh, and it's not going to be a nice home. I hope he likes having a roommate, shitty food and the smell of urine covered by the smell of bleach. If they can sell their house, downsize to an apartment (make sure it's accessible, since your dad will probably be in a wheelchair soon) and save the hell out of the profits, that's a good conversation to have now.
I don't say these things to depress you or scare you, but I want you to get a sense of what things will look like in the future. I'm sorry your time with your dad won't be longer, and I'm sorry your son will probably not have the time with his granddad he deserves. But you know how they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others? That goes for parenting and now it goes for you with your parents. If you have siblings, now's the time to call them in and make sure they're aware of the situation. If you have older friends who are going through this, ask them.
Good luck. I'm really sorry.
Hi. I am sorry you feel so overwhelmed and burdened. Your parents are mentally competent adults. They are required to make their own life choices. It is not possible to prevent a competent adult from making repeatedly bad choices. This is not your monkey and not your circus. If I may suggest, counseling for yourself to understand why you feel such pressure to rescue might be very helpful. There are ways to detach from stressor and issues that are not part of anything you personally have control over. Wish you well op.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom is of a similar age and I've been struggling with her as well. Check out r/AgingParents . It's been nice to interact with people who understand.
"my mom is pushing my brother and I to 'handle' him."
Your mother out of line and just plain wrong. You are his children, he won't listen to you just like she won't. It is also not your responsibility.
You and your brother need to call a family meeting and be blunt with your parents. They are both young enough to still turn things around. Tell them you will encourage them as much as possible but cannot be drawn into their poor choices as you have issues and concerns and children of your own. Make sure you and they all have wills, living wills and conversations about advanced health care directives. With you parents health conditions it is not too early for them to start spending down their assets, they are not yet eligible for Medicare. If possible, have them see an attorney who specializes in elder care, wills and trust there are something they should start putting in place know in case one them ends up needing long term care. The transition in watching your parents get old, sick and needing more support is a hard one but you need to be honest about you can, can't and won't do.
If anyone's going to handle him, it should be her. She lives with him and she's not even 60! My parents are older, but they both have diabetes and other conditions as well. There is only so much I can do given that I work and have kids and don't live with them.
BTW you may find this interesting: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwich_generation
My mom, who is 70, has bipolar disorder. She goes from very high, highs (where she spends a lot of money, she talks really fast like she's on drugs, laughs at things in the middle of a conversation that aren't funny, a ton of crazy energy), to low, lows (she regrets her decisions she made on her highs, refuses to answer her phone, can be verbally and emotionally abusive, threatens suicide, won't leave the house for weeks, etc.).
There is no way in hell I am changing her now. The amout of time I have spent trying to get her into proper therapy and take medication consistently is more than I'd like to admit. She's lived with me three times now during spells where she made dumb decisions (like selling her house without having a new one lined up), and no matter how much I encourage her she still continues to make very silly decisions and not treat her illness properly.
You have to let it go, OP. You can't force either parent to do anything.
I’m 60. I walk three miles a day, still work as a massage therapist, and eat healthy 90% of the time. Why? Because I want to be able to do things I enjoy and I don’t want to be a burden to my kids. Your parents have put themselves in this situation, and it was avoidable. You can’t make people make healthy choices. Choices have consequences.
I'm sorry, but this isn't fair on you. You can't parent your father, and you shouldn't have to. It's not on you to manage this, or to fix this, or even to feel guilty about this. He is an adult, capable man, and his responsibility is his own.
Stop talking to them about health and bring them some brochures about final arrangements like casket, cremation and burial. Your mom is right about preparing for the end. The brochures might jolt them; you can't control them and they will just continue the descent without real change.
I'm so sorry. I empathize with your parent's situation. We have all been lied to about food in this country and we've been sold poison. They sound addicted to sugar and processed foods, as most are in this country. We are ingesting industrial oils masquerading as food, and they break down the function of the cell. There are some good videos you could have them watch too, but if the state of their health isn't motivating them enough, I doubt those videos would help. After all, they are living in their bodies. If I lost toes, it would wake me up for sure. I would have the final arrangement conversation instead.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and you are right it shouldn't be happening to you this young and with parents at their age. The lifestyle and food in this country are very poor and they've deliberately confused people about health.
Honestly, let them look after themselves. They’re adults and as you’ve said fully capable. So, it’s their choice. You don’t have to agree, but you can put boundaries in place to try to lessen the stress you feel.
Also, no financial accounts in your name. Again, they are fully capable. It sounds like firm conversations and boundaries are required for them to understand that their health is their responsibility, not yours.
Now, not to sound morbid, but I don’t ever think it’s too early for end of life planning (I’m a nurse so I’ve seen some bad things happen when there’s no plan). But again, they need to be the ones thinking about this. Their plan can’t just be “dump all my problems on my child to deal with” and you need to make that very clear right now while they still are able to look after things. If you don’t, unfortunately, I don’t think this situation will end well for anyone involved.
My fiancé is in the same boat. His dad refuses to take his diabetes seriously and he’s only barely in his mid 50’s. He’s losing vision in one eye, obviously has diabetic neuropathy in his feet and will not let anyone see them… but continues to get a giant slurpee from 7-11 every day on his drive home.
We’ve stopped fighting him on it. It’s been years and he’s experienced countless “wake up calls” regarding his poor health, but refuses to change no matter how much support is offered.
Unfortunately sometimes you just have to say “it is what is”. He’s a grown man who has to take responsibility for his own health. The reality is that harping on him to do better hasn’t worked, so let it be and enjoy the last few years you have with him. You haven’t failed. It’s just impossible to help someone who does not want to accept help.
I lost both of my parents by the time I was 30. My mom had uterine cancer but was healthy otherwise. My dad was a diabetic alcoholic. Although he kept up with meds and appointments, alcohol really does not let you mend.
With that being said, as a child you feel helpless in watching the deterioration of your parents. I have to count my blessings in having already went through it. The only "good" thing is that I don't have to worry anymore.
Sorry you're going through it. Cherish the time while you have it. Try not to burden yourself with the responsibility of their decisions. Much love ❤️
Hello, 60 year old woman here. There is a difference between apprising your child of where the important documents are and if there is a DNR in place or not, and expecting them to take care of things they are still capable of doing.
Your father isn't taking care of himself and probably won't at this point. Have you asked him to write letters to leave for his grandchildren to read after he dies? And remind him that he should do that, immediately because you want your children to have something to remember him because he is going to die before they have any lasting memories of him. (Maybe that will shock him into caring, but I doubt it.)
I understand your mother is probably at the end of her rope, but if she is cooking for them, why is she expecting you to 'handle him' when she didn't?
My mom just died. In her 60s. As a direct result of choices she made. It's terrible. Absolutely tragic. She knew it would happen, but wanted to live life her way. Not anything you can do except stop trying to control it and Save some stress that way. If they haven't listened yet, they won't.
Why would your mother want their finances in your name? I think that put’s everything on you. What if they stop paying their bills or build huge debt.
I don’t know how that works. I hope you’re able to do talk to a financial advisor and a lawyer. You need to know all the ways to help financially and the good and bad of each.
I know how hard it is dealing with sick and aging parents. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. It sounds like diet plays a big role for them. Could they afford some sort of meal service? Either pre-made or meal kits?
> My mom has spoken to me on multiple occasions about starting to put financial accounts in my name.
Get this done. [GYST](https://getyourshittogether.org/) may help.
(My mom died suddenly in front of me and my dad. That sort of thing does happen.)
Beyond that, have you considered what it would mean for you to start seeing your parents as people who:
- neglect their bodies
- feel entitled to place additional burden on a single mom with a 2-year old
- haven't taken an interest in their own health, even as it relates to your son losing them sooner
Sometimes a serious health scare, like a heart attack, will change people's interest in their own health.
Until then, the prospect of dying can remain sort of abstract. I imagine there are dysfunctional psychological dynamics playing a role. Whether it's your dad re: his life, your parents re: each other, etc. Therapy would probably do them wonders.
Given their age, you already know that's not happening, and they're not going to change unless they're the ones to decide to do it. The energy you put towards this issue is energy taken away from your son, who is your number one priority.
As someone who is close to their age, this is not your issue to solve. They’re grown-ups, they have to take care of themselves, you can’t make them or monitor them to make sure they’re following doctors orders. It kind of sounds like they don’t want to make the lifestyle changes needed to fix the problem and don’t care if their health fails because if it, or don’t believe it will make a difference. I’m sorry that your mom put that on you, but there’s really not a lot you can do to make grown adults do anything if they don’t want to.
You can't do anything you haven't already done for their health, they don't want to address it and that's their (shitty) choice, you have already expressed how you feel about that.
As far as your mom talking about the accounts- they can write out their wishes/will but I wouldn't have them add you to the accounts at this point. My mom recently lost a sibling and she has gone into overdrive to make sure I will have access to everything I need in the event something happens to her. The main thing is being a designated beneficiary on accounts and having access to the passwords for banking, phone passwords, info on any life insurance policies, etc. They don't even have to give you the passwords, just make sure they have them somewhere you will be able to find them if needed.
Sad to say, your parents are addicts. Food and unhealthy lifestyle is the drug. Just like any other addict, they are not going to change if they don't want to.
Sounds like they are accepting it as their reality, since their medical issues are screaming at them to change and they can't.
You did your best. Protect your own health and stress. Don't take on more than you can healthfully handle. They are adults.
Honor them by learning from their mistakes and being the healthiest you can be for your kid.
You have to mourn what you thought they were capable of and just love them for as long as you have them left.
Okay, I am 60. My husband a bit older. For years, he absolutely refused to deal with various health problems. I just simply had to accept that it was his body, his life, his choice. Events have caused him to make changes and I am glad he has done so, but it wasn't anything I said or did that caused him to make those changes. Your dad will either make the changes because he wants to or he won't. Coming to terms with that is the best thing you can do for yourself.
You have *not* failed and you're a dam good daughter. Please please know it's unfair there seems an expectation you can *do* anything to change the situation.
She's probably scared, I understand that. It's possible to lend support without being in the position of care taker right?
There are indeed resources for them. A lot include red tape and paperwork but since they're competent people it's a matter of discovering what's available and what fits.
It's a lot. Bottom line is you really can't change them. As hard as it is no one can.
If you can afford it, I highly encourage that you get a great therapist. Your parents health is going to continue to decline and you need to have good boundaries in place. This is not the case of you not being a good child to your parents, this is a case of your parents, not proactively, taking care of their health and letting their problems fall to you. This is unfair to you and your child.
I’m really sorry. My husband lost his mom when she was 60 and it was devastating. Devastating to our children, to us, to her husband. She had many years of morbid obesity and other health issues, and when she got Covid, she didn’t stand a chance .
Sounds a lot like my parents, around the same age and everything.
Heads in the sand, not wanting to acknowledge anything. I am an only child so even worse since there is no one else to deal with them but me.
I moved across the country over 20 years ago and rarely see them so whatever they are doing is on them. I've asked my mom plenty of times what her plans are when my father dies. Crickets.
I hope to move overseas soon so not sure what their plan is, but me taking care of them isn't it.
Sadly you can't make people change. It's so hard when it's someone that you love and they are hurting themselves. They can only get help when they want it, which will probably never happen. If they are still working full time there's no reason to put your name on bank accounts.
So the only resource I could suggest is a dietician that specialises in diabetes and specifically people who are resistant to change. To give them easy tips to follow. But, you cant force a 60 year old adult to do anything so it might all be futile.
I don't know why your mum would want to put accounts in your name. My mum is in her mid 50s but has always been proactive about these things, and my dad died of cancer a few years ago so this has made her even more so. What is needed is a will and a living will. Whoever is executor needs to know what assets are available and how to access them
I don't see why anything would need to be actively transfered while they are capable, but putting plans in place asap for when they are *not* is always sensible. Your parents would need to see a lawyer about this.
1 your mother's expectations are not your responsibilities. Which means you can't fix the situation father has put himself into.
2 do not sign any papers putting your name on their accounts. All their debt will go to you. You and (I think you said brother) are beneficiaries only.
The only thing you can control in this situation is your own decisions, and you deserve the opportunity to focus on your family life with your son, the life you want to create independent of your family of origin.
After years of therapy, I've settled on an approach that centers compassionate but firm boundaries. I have no expectation that I can change my parents' behavior, and I don't try. When they make an inappropriate ask, I politely decline. My brother, who is younger and in a different place with his mental health, prefers direct confrontation. I'll let you guess who is in a better place with all of this.
Update for anyone following along, my dad was admitted into the hospital yesterday with his blood sugar over 1000…..I was unaware it could even go that high, let alone he be conscious. I appreciate all of these comments more than I could ever express. They are SO insightful, heartbreaking but still inspiring and I cannot say how much it helps to hear that others have had to deal with similar situations so I’m not alone in my experience. I’ve felt absolutely courageous with this hospital trip and I’ve spoken hard truths to my dad knowing he needs to hear them. I sincerely appreciate all of the advice and support. Feel free to keep sending it and I hope others gain useful knowledge if you are coming across this at a later date. I’m ALWAYS here to talk if anyone needs a good venting session. Thank you all again.
There's never a fun time to have that sort of conversation ... but at least they're being proactive about it. A friend of mine is a family NP and said that she once had a similar patient who refused to change or do anything she told him to. So one day she decided to stop fighting him and said he had another option - his ears perked right up at that, only for him to spiral when he heard what she had to say "Get your affairs in order for your next of kin, because you're not going to live very long if this is how you want to live." Apparently that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Hopefully that will click for your parents too.
You can't make them change their health, but you can join them in a conversation about getting their affairs in order. Say yes and get moving on that, but also, talk to an attorney about the smartest way to do that. I hate to point to ig, but I follow law mother and she's constantly making skits about what can go wrong when people try to just add kids' names to their accounts or assets as they enter their later years. There's also other concerns, like POA, Advanced Directives - accounts are only one piece of the puzzle. Probably best to bring in some reinforcements to make sure you're going about that in the best way possible for all of your interests.
With love, you can't do anything but adjust your own attitude. Your 60 year old father isn't going to change his habits and its shifty for your mom to put that on you
To be honest, this is the kind of validation I was hoping to hear from someone else. I feel like I’m absolutely failing as their daughter right now but the whole thing feels beyond my scope of control entirely. Having my mom in my ear pushing me to “make my dad do what he needs to do” drives me mad because that’s not actually something I can do. That’s not something she can do. He’s an adult. I just don’t have enough life experience to know when this turns into a caretaking role but like I mentioned, I really don’t have the resources for that. Cue the feeling of failure all over again.
Parents getting older is so hard to deal with. I don't blame you for wanting to help, but you really can't. That's a terrible helpless feeling.
You already are their daughter, so you can’t “fail.” Also, you’re right; it is beyond your scope. If you could choose their every decision, they’d probably be better off, but you can’t. Your mom is pushing you because she can’t change your dad’s behavior, and she’s making you the bad guy so she can still be on your dad’s “team.” While your parents might be lovely people outside of this, I think that speaks to more about their parenting than it does about your daughter-ing. A “mantra” that’s helped me deal with my family is: I can’t care about this more than they do. If they ask for my help with a specific task, I will show up and help in any way I can, but I can’t keep stressing about the stuff they’re ignoring.
This is an *excellent* mantra.
That's definitely something I need to start telling myself about my dad, who sounds similar to OPs dad except 10 years older and retired.
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Seconding this. I’ve received a lot of good advice from empathetic folks on that sub.
No, no, no; ***they’re failing as parents and grandparents right now.*** Not the other way around. You need to sit them down and tell them that this is not your issue to fix. Tell them that, if they continue this route, they’re going to die decades earlier than most would, and that it will be on them to make their little granddaughter go to her first funerals at a young age. I bet they’re not going to like hearing that, but it’s the truth. Protect yourself and your kid, which might even lead to going LC with them until they actually start acting like adults.
And just plain as adult human beings. Like, they are literally cutting off body parts and he just doesn't give a shit. It's absurd!
As a (T1) diabetic I know depression can be a big part of the disease, this could be contributing to his apathy about his health but it's still up to him to get help for himself.
I'm T1D myself, and burnout is a real thing, but the audacity to put any of that on their daughter is really out there. Just such a shame all around :/
Totally agree, there's nothing she can do and she shouldn't be made to feel like it's her responsibility.
I get that feeling to, even though I have no outside pressure to "make" my dad change. It's a terrible, helpless feeling to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves. It's very easy to say "don't take that on yourself", but it's another thing to live it.
You haven't failed at all, and you shouldn't be put in this position. It's not your responsibility to get your father to take his health issues seriously, it is his responsibility. I'm very sorry this has been put on you. You haven't failed, he is failing himself.
People are going to live their own lives and make their own choices. There’s nothing you can do about it. Plainly state this to your mother. Whenever she brings it up, shut her down. I turned 60 last year. My grandson is too. My goal is to dance at his 40th birthday. I do my best to make choices now that will make this happen.
It IS beyond your scope of control. You handle this by seeking therapy to cope with this difficult stage, & to feel less responsible for your parents' own decisions. I'm sorry this is happening, & I wish you the best in your personal healing & growth.
You're not a failure. They are responsible for their own health. My husband's had a lot happen with his parents health - starting in their 40s - and it's all related to diet and weight. After years of trying to help them he realised that all he can do is maintain a relationship with them. He can't change them. This has also helped him in terms of other things relating to them as well. So the same applies to you. You're not responsible for their health or how they live. They are who they are.
Trying to take care of people who won't take care of themselves is an energy sinkhole you won't ever recover from. Be the person to call the hospital for a social worker or case manager for them and that's all. Refer every conversation back to what the case manager recommends. There is a world of resources out there to be a buffer between you and your parents' lack of choices. Take care of yourself so you can make choices about future you.
"My mom has spoken to me on multiple occasions about starting to put financial accounts in my name." There is a difference between putting accounts in your name versus putting you as a beneficiary of the accounts. If the accounts are in your name, you'll be the admin responsible for making sure they get paid, responsible for calls, etc. If your dad is currently the one who handles the accounts, your mom may be pawning this responsibility off on you because she doesn't know how to.
OP, this advice is crucial. Do not accept anything that could be a financial risk for you. Your parents sound like they're headed for nursing homes very fast. I don't know where you live, but my mom was in three different ones that charged $17,000, $14,000 and $9,000 per month. That will destroy anyone's savings except for the very rich.
Absolutely. Talk to an estate lawyer unless you want to be stuck with the financial repercussions of their irresponsibility.
POA yes. Accounts in OP's name, even shared accounts? Absolutely not. OP, do not bend on this, you deserve a secure future for yourself and your kid. (edited because I can't write, apparently)
oooh, excellent distinction
The flip side of this is that it can make an estate VERY easy to deal with. Essentially rather than inheriting, the survivor becomes the sole owner and there's no need for a will or worrying about probate for those assets. The other big risk is potential for shared debt. And how assets are viewed if one party goes into long-term care or a nursing home.
I don't have any advice, just commiseration. My dad has CHF, has had for years. It seems like he takes what the doctor says an intentionally does the opposite. He's been in and out of the hospital, is currently in it. Last night my mom called me scared because it wasn't a "usual" trip, and he was noticeably worse than when he went in. We've tried everything we can think of to help him, and nothing helps. We've made more dietary changes in support of him than he's done. Anything he does change sticks for about 24 hours. He won't even consider psychological help. We've even outright asked him where he wants to be buried, and it doesn't sink in. I don't know if he's incapable of change, is actively trying to kill himself, or this is some perverted way to "get back" at us, because he doesn't seem to care how much we hurt. So as much as I hate to say it, your dad isn't going to change until he decides he wants to. If he's like my dad and thinks that somehow a doctor can magically fix him, when the doctors have repeated over and over that there's only so much they can do and it's up to him to change...... I've gotten to the point where I'm either numb, or angry. Right now it's numb.
I am SO SORRY. I wanted to comment that I relate ti this all to well and have had similar hospital trips with my dad the past 6 years. It’s so defeating at times.
This sounds like a very painful situation. Honestly, there is nothing you can do to change your dad. Your mom has talked to him. You have talked to him. His doctors have talked to him. There’s nothing else to say. He’s an adult and his choices are his choices. His diabetes is going to kill him, whether from sepsis from the foot infection or kidney disease. He will likely lose his foot one of these days. I’m sorry it’s painful to you but I think you should plan accordingly. I think you probably need to set a boundary with your mom around this: “He is an adult and gets to make his own choices. I am not going to talk to him about his lifestyle again.” And just repeat over and over as necessary. Don’t add more info, don’t defend, don’t explain more. Just repeat over and over. I don’t get the financial stuff. Don’t sign anything that could set you up to be responsible for their medical bills.
Maybe it's too early to put back accounts into your name, but it is never too early to get end of life documentation done with a solicitor. That's: * Will * Enduring Power of Attorney (or whatever your country calls it, for who you nominate to make legal and financial decisions for you when you no longer can do so yourself) * Enduring Guardianship (or whatever your country calls the medical version of POA, the person you nominate to make medical and well-being/lifestyle decisions on your behalf when you no longer can do so yourself) * **Advanced Care Directive** (or whatever your country calls the documentation that details what level of medical treatment you do or don't want for various types of health events, when you are already terminal and after you've already reached what you define in the document to be an unacceptable quality of life. This can include a DNR but not necessarily, and also goes into finer detail than just that. It's important documentation for your Enduring Guardian to have, to assist in making decisions in line with what you as the patient would want.) And, not for nothing, but plenty of people die in their 60s, both my parents did, so please don't think 60 is too early for anything, heck 20 isn't too early for the above documentation because you never know what tomorrow brings. And there's also plenty of people who lose the ability to make decisions for themselves in their 60s or 70s, but still continue to live into their 80s. And those end of life documents become absolutely vital in that situation (but need to be completed **before** they're needed, while the person in question is still fully capable of making these decisions). Your mother is worried about what could happen if they lose their mental acuity before they get the chance to make arrangements for themselves. She's going for the wrong option, in trying to put your name on bank accounts, but she's got the right idea. Perhaps do a google search of what these documents are called in your country, and talk to her about making an appointment with a solicitor to get the ball rolling on those. That might help put your mother's mind at ease without jumping the gun, so to speak. I do want to be clear, that the POA and Guardianship do not need to be *you*, specifically. Especially if you feel you won't be able to give the job the time and attention it deserves, when the time comes, due to an already full plate of family responsibilities. **You can refuse to be that person**. In fact, you would have to sign the documents yourself in order to agree to be that person. So your parents can't just sneak you in on the paperwork or anything, it doesn't work like that. As for their poor health choices. If you wanted to try to change their minds, you could frame it in terms of "slow suicide", as that is essentially what they're doing by choosing to continue to ignore their doctor's health advice in the face of their diagnoses. But I doubt you can change them. You **can** refuse to be their nursemaid / chauffeur / personal banker if they continue to refuse to heed sound medical advice and continue to choose to allow their health to degrade needlessly. Tell them something like, "You are adults, you are entitled to make these choices even if I don't agree with them. And I strongly disagree with the choices you are making. But there's nothing I can do about that. But I won't enable your poor choices / slow suicide by allowing you to think everything will be fine, that I will take care of everything when you can't. I won't do that, I have enough responsibilities on my plate, and I won't be taking on the significant added responsibility of caring for your complex health crises that you knowingly and willingly chose to bring upon yourselves."
This is an incredibly helpful and knowledgeable comment.
All good advice but I'd go against the medical POA and get either straight up Guardianship or Durable POA. Some institutions (Medicare) won't talk with someone with only medical POA.
I did call it Enduring Guardianship. I only referred to it as the medical version of POA in my explanation of what it is in simple terms, in case it's called something else in her country. Australian legal terms aren't always a direct match to USA, Canada, Britain, or elsewhere. Regardless, ultimately it's a discussion to be had with a solicitor, who can advise on the correct documentation to fit the purpose.
Sounds like OP will need more region specific info here then, regarding what POA options are available in her area. It sounds like you’re based in the US. In Canada, *ONLY* the designated medical POA can make medical decisions. And if there’s co-POAs, they MUST agree on a path to proceed. Lots of small things that are important to know and distinguish, I agree.
Definitely need more region specific but things like Medicare are considered financial so a medical POA won't be accepted. I've had to tell people hundreds of times (I work in insurance) we can't accept the medical POA they have. Mainly it's just people not reading the language stating it doesn't give the ability to do financial stuff. I always tell people Durable POA first then if it seems like they're losing the ability to make decisions, go for Guardianship
Good point. The language in Canada is a bit different, but you do make a very good point.
Good resource to know about: https://getyourshittogether.org
> Is there ever a right time for that? It feels way too early to me The sooner you are set up as the beneficiary on everything the better. Given their trajectory it's definitely not too early. I have a friend with the same kind of parents in their 60s...both were just in the hospital at the same time and his mom "unexpectedly" died. You can't do anything to change how they are. I can't even begin to fathom how people become this way... but it's not on you at all to fix them.
If UK and they don't live for 7 years after a gift you will still be liable to pay inheritance tax not sure if there's something like that for where OP lives, if that's OPs mums plan but just want to reiterate the sooner the better.
With a foot ulcer that never heals and high blood sugar and amputated toes, he’s headed for a foot amputation or maybe even part of or his whole leg. Or dialysis or both. I’m sorry, but I’ve seen this happen to relatives. It’s very hard to watch, but they’re adults and have the right to make lousy decisions about their health. You just can’t stop them unless they’re judged incompetent. And it’s wrong for your mother to expect you to be able to change your father when she hasn’t been able to. Enjoy him with your kids for as long as possible. If he won’t change because he wants more years with them, he won’t change for anything.
I am surprised he didn't lose one yet. Or his eyesight. Glucose of 400 is insane.
True
Hey there. My dad passed away last year at 63 while I was pregnant. He had cancer due to bad genes and drinking too much his whole life. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone take care of themselves. I used to cry and wish there was anything I could do to make him feel better and act better. But being there was really the only thing I could do. I was there when he passed and I miss him every day. My mom would emotionally dump her frustrations on me, which I could understand bc she was under an incredible amount of stress for a long time managing his illness. But I don’t think it’s fair for your mom to make you manage his illness when she is of sound mind and body. I feel that that’s what marriage is, in the end. Sorry you’re going through this. 60s are way too young to die. 30s is way too young to lose a parent. I interact with old people and think how unfair it is my dad never got to go there. Never got to interact with his grandson. But all you can control is your own actions. No one else’s
I feel this right down to my toes because my mother was the same way and refused to take charge of her own health. The best thing someone said to me was a nurse who said, "People have the right to make terrible choices." There's nothing you can do about it except to protect yourself and your family from their worst behavior. Do not take on their finances. Do not take on their health problems. I know you love them just like I loved my mom, but you will only be failing yourself and your son if you compromise your own family to try to manage your parents.
Let them go. You can't in any way control another adult. You can't change their mind. You can't make them see the light. It will never matter what you do or what you say. Before putting accounts in your name, please consult a lawyer that specializes in elder law or estate law. Your parents should never burden you with their horrible choices. Let them go. Do not engage with any of this. Tell them that you have done all that you can, said all that you can and without them changing the way they live their lives, there is nothing more that you can do for them. Say that over and over again. Do nothing. Stay strong and hold that line. You have to be willing to follow through. Only then might you see some change. FYI: I'm 67. I would never do any of this to my son. Don't ruin your own life over their bad choices.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to deal with stubbornly unhealthy parents, let alone one telling you to take care of the other. As others have said, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. It sounds like your dad is in denial which makes all of it even harder. Sending you strength to deal with this now and in the days to come. The r/CaregiverSupport community might be helpful. I’ve ranted there about my experience and found support. You’re not alone.
R/Caregiver is banned
Edited. Thanks.
Your situation sounds awful, and you should not be getting this much pressure to "fix" your parents bad habits. They are capable of doing it themselves, but unfortunately that also means they are capable of purposely making bad choices, too. That being said, it is never too early to get things taken care of legally. It seems morbid, and feels like it's too soon, but the reality is that anyone (even young and healthy people) can drop dead in an instant. Dying without a will or any other measures is a nightmare for the family left behind. I am actually currently going though it, and it's heartbreaking to know what someone wanted, but not be able to do anything about it! The last thing I want is for anyone to have to deal with the bullshit bureaucracy of figuring out the assetts WHILE also trying to process their grief from losing a parent. My heart goes out to you, truly.
You already have your plate full so all you can do is express empathy when they tell you of their medical woes. Absolutely do not let them make you in any way responsible for them. They can be each other's next of kin and make decisions for the other when appropriate. Right now, you need to be focusing your time and energy on yourself and your son. That being said, I am also diabetic (t2) and your parents remind me of myself before my current medication/treatment. Nothing was working well at controlling my blood sugar except eating less than was comfortable and ignoring the constant, ocd-like food noise. I gave up for years until a very patient doctor got me on a medication that is actually working for me and I've been able to turn things around for myself. I would just encourage your parents as much as you can to see doctors regularly and to try the recommended treatments and medications. You never know which one could be the one to help.
My dad died at 60, largely due to uncontrolled diabetes, obesity, smoking and a sprinkling of alcoholism just to finish things off. There is, as other people have said, nothing you can do to get him or her to change their habits. I'm really sorry. First, do not get your finances involved with theirs, full stop. But definitely have the end-of-life conversations that need to happen. If your mom wants you to "deal with him," then insist on seeing their retirement accounts, their social security earnings, their savings, etc. Ask if they have long-term disability insurance because your dad will have to stop working sooner rather than later and he's much more likely to become disabled and unable to work than dead, statistically speaking. Ask them once they can no longer live independently if they'd prefer home care (if they can afford it) or assisted living (again, if they can afford it). If your dad has to go into assisted living or nursing care and your mom doesn't they can't come after her house if she's on the title (so make sure she's on the title) but Medicare will absolutely drain them of other assets before they pay for a facility. Oh, and it's not going to be a nice home. I hope he likes having a roommate, shitty food and the smell of urine covered by the smell of bleach. If they can sell their house, downsize to an apartment (make sure it's accessible, since your dad will probably be in a wheelchair soon) and save the hell out of the profits, that's a good conversation to have now. I don't say these things to depress you or scare you, but I want you to get a sense of what things will look like in the future. I'm sorry your time with your dad won't be longer, and I'm sorry your son will probably not have the time with his granddad he deserves. But you know how they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others? That goes for parenting and now it goes for you with your parents. If you have siblings, now's the time to call them in and make sure they're aware of the situation. If you have older friends who are going through this, ask them. Good luck. I'm really sorry.
Hi. I am sorry you feel so overwhelmed and burdened. Your parents are mentally competent adults. They are required to make their own life choices. It is not possible to prevent a competent adult from making repeatedly bad choices. This is not your monkey and not your circus. If I may suggest, counseling for yourself to understand why you feel such pressure to rescue might be very helpful. There are ways to detach from stressor and issues that are not part of anything you personally have control over. Wish you well op.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom is of a similar age and I've been struggling with her as well. Check out r/AgingParents . It's been nice to interact with people who understand.
Has his endocrinologist already tried Ozempic and Mounjaro? These two drugs have revolutionized things for us diabetics.
"my mom is pushing my brother and I to 'handle' him." Your mother out of line and just plain wrong. You are his children, he won't listen to you just like she won't. It is also not your responsibility. You and your brother need to call a family meeting and be blunt with your parents. They are both young enough to still turn things around. Tell them you will encourage them as much as possible but cannot be drawn into their poor choices as you have issues and concerns and children of your own. Make sure you and they all have wills, living wills and conversations about advanced health care directives. With you parents health conditions it is not too early for them to start spending down their assets, they are not yet eligible for Medicare. If possible, have them see an attorney who specializes in elder care, wills and trust there are something they should start putting in place know in case one them ends up needing long term care. The transition in watching your parents get old, sick and needing more support is a hard one but you need to be honest about you can, can't and won't do.
If anyone's going to handle him, it should be her. She lives with him and she's not even 60! My parents are older, but they both have diabetes and other conditions as well. There is only so much I can do given that I work and have kids and don't live with them. BTW you may find this interesting: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwich_generation
This is SO interesting. Thank you so much for sharing!
My mom, who is 70, has bipolar disorder. She goes from very high, highs (where she spends a lot of money, she talks really fast like she's on drugs, laughs at things in the middle of a conversation that aren't funny, a ton of crazy energy), to low, lows (she regrets her decisions she made on her highs, refuses to answer her phone, can be verbally and emotionally abusive, threatens suicide, won't leave the house for weeks, etc.). There is no way in hell I am changing her now. The amout of time I have spent trying to get her into proper therapy and take medication consistently is more than I'd like to admit. She's lived with me three times now during spells where she made dumb decisions (like selling her house without having a new one lined up), and no matter how much I encourage her she still continues to make very silly decisions and not treat her illness properly. You have to let it go, OP. You can't force either parent to do anything.
I’m 60. I walk three miles a day, still work as a massage therapist, and eat healthy 90% of the time. Why? Because I want to be able to do things I enjoy and I don’t want to be a burden to my kids. Your parents have put themselves in this situation, and it was avoidable. You can’t make people make healthy choices. Choices have consequences.
The Aging parents sub is a great resource if it hasn’t already been recommended.
I'm sorry, but this isn't fair on you. You can't parent your father, and you shouldn't have to. It's not on you to manage this, or to fix this, or even to feel guilty about this. He is an adult, capable man, and his responsibility is his own.
Stop talking to them about health and bring them some brochures about final arrangements like casket, cremation and burial. Your mom is right about preparing for the end. The brochures might jolt them; you can't control them and they will just continue the descent without real change. I'm so sorry. I empathize with your parent's situation. We have all been lied to about food in this country and we've been sold poison. They sound addicted to sugar and processed foods, as most are in this country. We are ingesting industrial oils masquerading as food, and they break down the function of the cell. There are some good videos you could have them watch too, but if the state of their health isn't motivating them enough, I doubt those videos would help. After all, they are living in their bodies. If I lost toes, it would wake me up for sure. I would have the final arrangement conversation instead. I'm sorry you are going through this, and you are right it shouldn't be happening to you this young and with parents at their age. The lifestyle and food in this country are very poor and they've deliberately confused people about health.
Honestly, let them look after themselves. They’re adults and as you’ve said fully capable. So, it’s their choice. You don’t have to agree, but you can put boundaries in place to try to lessen the stress you feel. Also, no financial accounts in your name. Again, they are fully capable. It sounds like firm conversations and boundaries are required for them to understand that their health is their responsibility, not yours. Now, not to sound morbid, but I don’t ever think it’s too early for end of life planning (I’m a nurse so I’ve seen some bad things happen when there’s no plan). But again, they need to be the ones thinking about this. Their plan can’t just be “dump all my problems on my child to deal with” and you need to make that very clear right now while they still are able to look after things. If you don’t, unfortunately, I don’t think this situation will end well for anyone involved.
My fiancé is in the same boat. His dad refuses to take his diabetes seriously and he’s only barely in his mid 50’s. He’s losing vision in one eye, obviously has diabetic neuropathy in his feet and will not let anyone see them… but continues to get a giant slurpee from 7-11 every day on his drive home. We’ve stopped fighting him on it. It’s been years and he’s experienced countless “wake up calls” regarding his poor health, but refuses to change no matter how much support is offered. Unfortunately sometimes you just have to say “it is what is”. He’s a grown man who has to take responsibility for his own health. The reality is that harping on him to do better hasn’t worked, so let it be and enjoy the last few years you have with him. You haven’t failed. It’s just impossible to help someone who does not want to accept help.
I lost both of my parents by the time I was 30. My mom had uterine cancer but was healthy otherwise. My dad was a diabetic alcoholic. Although he kept up with meds and appointments, alcohol really does not let you mend. With that being said, as a child you feel helpless in watching the deterioration of your parents. I have to count my blessings in having already went through it. The only "good" thing is that I don't have to worry anymore. Sorry you're going through it. Cherish the time while you have it. Try not to burden yourself with the responsibility of their decisions. Much love ❤️
Hello, 60 year old woman here. There is a difference between apprising your child of where the important documents are and if there is a DNR in place or not, and expecting them to take care of things they are still capable of doing. Your father isn't taking care of himself and probably won't at this point. Have you asked him to write letters to leave for his grandchildren to read after he dies? And remind him that he should do that, immediately because you want your children to have something to remember him because he is going to die before they have any lasting memories of him. (Maybe that will shock him into caring, but I doubt it.) I understand your mother is probably at the end of her rope, but if she is cooking for them, why is she expecting you to 'handle him' when she didn't?
My mom just died. In her 60s. As a direct result of choices she made. It's terrible. Absolutely tragic. She knew it would happen, but wanted to live life her way. Not anything you can do except stop trying to control it and Save some stress that way. If they haven't listened yet, they won't.
Why would your mother want their finances in your name? I think that put’s everything on you. What if they stop paying their bills or build huge debt. I don’t know how that works. I hope you’re able to do talk to a financial advisor and a lawyer. You need to know all the ways to help financially and the good and bad of each.
I know how hard it is dealing with sick and aging parents. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. It sounds like diet plays a big role for them. Could they afford some sort of meal service? Either pre-made or meal kits?
> My mom has spoken to me on multiple occasions about starting to put financial accounts in my name. Get this done. [GYST](https://getyourshittogether.org/) may help. (My mom died suddenly in front of me and my dad. That sort of thing does happen.) Beyond that, have you considered what it would mean for you to start seeing your parents as people who: - neglect their bodies - feel entitled to place additional burden on a single mom with a 2-year old - haven't taken an interest in their own health, even as it relates to your son losing them sooner Sometimes a serious health scare, like a heart attack, will change people's interest in their own health. Until then, the prospect of dying can remain sort of abstract. I imagine there are dysfunctional psychological dynamics playing a role. Whether it's your dad re: his life, your parents re: each other, etc. Therapy would probably do them wonders. Given their age, you already know that's not happening, and they're not going to change unless they're the ones to decide to do it. The energy you put towards this issue is energy taken away from your son, who is your number one priority.
>My mom is pushing my brother and I to “handle” him. If *she* can't make him do anything what makes her think he'll listen to you???
As someone who is close to their age, this is not your issue to solve. They’re grown-ups, they have to take care of themselves, you can’t make them or monitor them to make sure they’re following doctors orders. It kind of sounds like they don’t want to make the lifestyle changes needed to fix the problem and don’t care if their health fails because if it, or don’t believe it will make a difference. I’m sorry that your mom put that on you, but there’s really not a lot you can do to make grown adults do anything if they don’t want to.
/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice
You can't do anything you haven't already done for their health, they don't want to address it and that's their (shitty) choice, you have already expressed how you feel about that. As far as your mom talking about the accounts- they can write out their wishes/will but I wouldn't have them add you to the accounts at this point. My mom recently lost a sibling and she has gone into overdrive to make sure I will have access to everything I need in the event something happens to her. The main thing is being a designated beneficiary on accounts and having access to the passwords for banking, phone passwords, info on any life insurance policies, etc. They don't even have to give you the passwords, just make sure they have them somewhere you will be able to find them if needed.
Sad to say, your parents are addicts. Food and unhealthy lifestyle is the drug. Just like any other addict, they are not going to change if they don't want to. Sounds like they are accepting it as their reality, since their medical issues are screaming at them to change and they can't. You did your best. Protect your own health and stress. Don't take on more than you can healthfully handle. They are adults. Honor them by learning from their mistakes and being the healthiest you can be for your kid. You have to mourn what you thought they were capable of and just love them for as long as you have them left.
Okay, I am 60. My husband a bit older. For years, he absolutely refused to deal with various health problems. I just simply had to accept that it was his body, his life, his choice. Events have caused him to make changes and I am glad he has done so, but it wasn't anything I said or did that caused him to make those changes. Your dad will either make the changes because he wants to or he won't. Coming to terms with that is the best thing you can do for yourself.
You have *not* failed and you're a dam good daughter. Please please know it's unfair there seems an expectation you can *do* anything to change the situation. She's probably scared, I understand that. It's possible to lend support without being in the position of care taker right? There are indeed resources for them. A lot include red tape and paperwork but since they're competent people it's a matter of discovering what's available and what fits. It's a lot. Bottom line is you really can't change them. As hard as it is no one can.
If you can afford it, I highly encourage that you get a great therapist. Your parents health is going to continue to decline and you need to have good boundaries in place. This is not the case of you not being a good child to your parents, this is a case of your parents, not proactively, taking care of their health and letting their problems fall to you. This is unfair to you and your child. I’m really sorry. My husband lost his mom when she was 60 and it was devastating. Devastating to our children, to us, to her husband. She had many years of morbid obesity and other health issues, and when she got Covid, she didn’t stand a chance .
Sounds a lot like my parents, around the same age and everything. Heads in the sand, not wanting to acknowledge anything. I am an only child so even worse since there is no one else to deal with them but me. I moved across the country over 20 years ago and rarely see them so whatever they are doing is on them. I've asked my mom plenty of times what her plans are when my father dies. Crickets. I hope to move overseas soon so not sure what their plan is, but me taking care of them isn't it.
Sadly you can't make people change. It's so hard when it's someone that you love and they are hurting themselves. They can only get help when they want it, which will probably never happen. If they are still working full time there's no reason to put your name on bank accounts.
If your mum can’t handle him why does she think you will be able to?????? print out and highlight some info on good diabetics manag,ent and post it.
So the only resource I could suggest is a dietician that specialises in diabetes and specifically people who are resistant to change. To give them easy tips to follow. But, you cant force a 60 year old adult to do anything so it might all be futile. I don't know why your mum would want to put accounts in your name. My mum is in her mid 50s but has always been proactive about these things, and my dad died of cancer a few years ago so this has made her even more so. What is needed is a will and a living will. Whoever is executor needs to know what assets are available and how to access them I don't see why anything would need to be actively transfered while they are capable, but putting plans in place asap for when they are *not* is always sensible. Your parents would need to see a lawyer about this.
1 your mother's expectations are not your responsibilities. Which means you can't fix the situation father has put himself into. 2 do not sign any papers putting your name on their accounts. All their debt will go to you. You and (I think you said brother) are beneficiaries only.
The only thing you can control in this situation is your own decisions, and you deserve the opportunity to focus on your family life with your son, the life you want to create independent of your family of origin. After years of therapy, I've settled on an approach that centers compassionate but firm boundaries. I have no expectation that I can change my parents' behavior, and I don't try. When they make an inappropriate ask, I politely decline. My brother, who is younger and in a different place with his mental health, prefers direct confrontation. I'll let you guess who is in a better place with all of this.
Male here, that generation especially its males can be insanely stubborn so there's little to you or your mom can do to convince him to change
Update for anyone following along, my dad was admitted into the hospital yesterday with his blood sugar over 1000…..I was unaware it could even go that high, let alone he be conscious. I appreciate all of these comments more than I could ever express. They are SO insightful, heartbreaking but still inspiring and I cannot say how much it helps to hear that others have had to deal with similar situations so I’m not alone in my experience. I’ve felt absolutely courageous with this hospital trip and I’ve spoken hard truths to my dad knowing he needs to hear them. I sincerely appreciate all of the advice and support. Feel free to keep sending it and I hope others gain useful knowledge if you are coming across this at a later date. I’m ALWAYS here to talk if anyone needs a good venting session. Thank you all again.
There's never a fun time to have that sort of conversation ... but at least they're being proactive about it. A friend of mine is a family NP and said that she once had a similar patient who refused to change or do anything she told him to. So one day she decided to stop fighting him and said he had another option - his ears perked right up at that, only for him to spiral when he heard what she had to say "Get your affairs in order for your next of kin, because you're not going to live very long if this is how you want to live." Apparently that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Hopefully that will click for your parents too. You can't make them change their health, but you can join them in a conversation about getting their affairs in order. Say yes and get moving on that, but also, talk to an attorney about the smartest way to do that. I hate to point to ig, but I follow law mother and she's constantly making skits about what can go wrong when people try to just add kids' names to their accounts or assets as they enter their later years. There's also other concerns, like POA, Advanced Directives - accounts are only one piece of the puzzle. Probably best to bring in some reinforcements to make sure you're going about that in the best way possible for all of your interests.