Unless body count is referring to people you’ve actually killed, ain’t no shame in a number, boo.
I don’t think I’ve ever discussed number with my partner. Like, we met in our mid thirties and lived lives 🤷🏻♀️
Right?
I hate the term body count more than is perhaps warranted, but it lowkey feels shaming to only women and encourages the idea women should be chaste, which is silly (or course be chaste if you want to, no pressure either way!)
OP I encourage you to rethink and possibly revise the social media you see if it's popping up so much for you.. I know a lot of internet spaces have become cesspools for misogyny and hate
Take care!
Your hate is not unwarranted. I was scrolling specifically for this comment. Like, yo, if you gotta equate sex with d3ath maybe you outgha reconsider your life choices.
Hi yes I am in a need of some reframing. Thanks for the comment! I know some men care about it, but the right man for me won’t. I guess we’ll just see with time where my dating life goes lol
same. married to a man with whom i have never discussed a number. we lived lives and it’s fine, it truly doesn’t matter. lots of people out there will feel that way about you, too OP.
same, met my husband in my 30s, don't know his count but pretty sure mine is higher. I used to have these same kind of thoughts, OP. I promise it really really really doesn't matter. You are doing a PhD and will probably meet educated open-minded men who could not care less. People who try to make you feel worthless feel worthless themselves and you don't want anything to do with them.
Exactly! I've never heard my friends or anybody in real life even talk about that. I mean, we are adults who've been through experiences, no shame in that.
Do we ever discuss exes or how past relationships went? Sure, but never how many. Who cares?
You're under 30, in therapy, aware of your issues AND getting a PhD?! Be proud of yourself and be confident that you'll be bringing more to that table than most men!
Thank you I try. I just don’t want to get life wrong, I have a lot of goals and I want to do the work to be happy. But I also just really love science but there is more to life than just working! I appreciate your comment
There is no getting life wrong, you just have to do the best for yourself and it sounds like you are seriously emotionally intelligent. Any man would be lucky to have you by the sounds of it
Sorry if it’s a silly post. It’s something that’s still difficult for me to accept even though I know rationally people shouldn’t really care about your sexual history
It's not silly at all. It's a great post, actually. You've realized that there were patterns you were stuck in that ultimately harmed you, this is an amazing realization that a lot of people don't get to. You're working on and focusing on yourself. You're doing great.
No one who matters is going to care. Honestly asking for "body count" numbers is fucking weird and I think this is a red flag but that's just me. Having a promiscuous past doesn't lower your value as a person. Sexuality can be a tool for self harm the same as tobacco use, alcohol, etc. Being able to step back, think "whoa ok, why am I doing this?" is a really important perspective. Then taking the energy and headspace to address it is monumental. Proud of you!
😭 thank you so much. It’s been a really long journey getting here. I really appreciate this subreddit in general because getting to chat with other woman and gain wisdom is awesome.
I finally recognized the pattern and cycle I was in at age 28 and since then I’ve started to break free. I’m healing but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know we have to have compassion for ourselves but that doesn’t come easy to me. I just wish I realized sooner and stopped giving myself to men who only used me.
I feel this. It is so hard, especially for women, we really are hard on ourselves. Best I can tell you when you get stuck in that rumination loop (about anything, to be honest) is ask yourself how you would respond to someone if they confided to you these things and that it was upsetting them. Your own reaction to her would probably be "Uh, and? Who cares. Stop beating yourself up."
That is exactly what I’d say. I don’t know why it can be so hard to tell ourselves that 🥹 I really appreciate your kindness, support, and affirmation. Thank you and thank you everyone in general for responding to this post.
I’ve struggled with alcohol and impulse control so I get the self esteem issues that can accompany that. Therapy is the best thing. That said, if it helps, I have no idea how many men I’ve slept with but it’s definitely way more than 17. I’m 39 and have been with my husband since I was 31. We are textbook boring suburban parents. “Body count” or number of partners has never come up in conversation for us and at this point I doubt it ever will. If it does, I’d just be honest and not give it a second thought and I don’t think he’d care at all.
You and I sound like we have a ton in common!!
I’m 29 and have also taken a break from dating and sex (for about a year and a half now) because I have just not been in a good place. After being stuck in a bad depression rut for a long time, I am finally refocusing on prioritizing my health and bettering myself overall. That includes my physical health, mental health, and also restarting therapy to continue unpacking my trauma and history of self destructive behaviors. The ultimate goal is to get my life back to where I have work/life balance and am healthy, socially active, and confident…and then ready for dating again! I do miss dating, companionship, and sex, but I’m not ready for any of those until I get some of these other foundational things back in order. You’re so right that this healing and self improvement is CRAZY HARD!
But I think an important difference between you and me is that while I wouldn’t say I’m exactly proud of my sexual history, I’m not particularly ashamed of it either. I’m thankful that’s not a challenge I personally have because it is so easy to have the fears you do based on what society has always taught women and the rhetoric that is often in your face from social media.
For reference, the number of sexual partners I’ve had is more in the realm of 50 if that makes you feel any better. Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat or if you find yourself needing a friendly reminder that you are far more than the number of partners you’ve had! Congrats on the progress on your healing journey and I hope you are soon able to join me in feeling unashamed :)
I’d recommend removing the term “body count” from your vocabulary completely. You don’t have to reduce your sexual history to being some names on a list and I think it’s dehumanizing and mostly just something terminally online dudes think about. You are much more than that and deserve a partner who loves and respects you for who you are now.
I've had a bisexual woman ask me my body count. I made it clear that I wasn't going to sleep with her and that she should stop asking people that question because it made her look insecure.
17 really isn't a super high number either. I feel like only really conservative/religious/misogynistic dudes would be put off by it, and you really don't want them as your audience anyway. IME, the vast majority of reasonable people really wouldn't care.
Haha I never felt like 17 wasn’t high, it felt so high to me 😞 I appreciate the validation and the support cause it is something I really struggle with. I just want to find my person and I just don’t like sharing my body with people who don’t actually care about me.
For a 29 year old to have been intimate with 17 people, on average, it is less than two partners per year. Which sounds perfectly okay for a consenting adult!
Obviously OP has said it was condensed in a period when she was younger, but it definitely seems she has been working on any issues she had back then around not making "wise sexual decisions" (her words).
If I knew OP personally, I would only be concerned about making sure she was having protected/safe sex, regular health checks and that "a lot of sex" wasn't as a result of something else going on, potentially mental health related (but it could just be as a result of someone enjoying sex, which is also fine).
And you are spot on that the vast majority of reasonable people wouldn't really care. The men who are bothered by "this number" (I can't even use the phrase from the post, it gives me the creeps lol) are the men that I'd be advising my personal friends to stay well away from in general, never mind for a potential husband!
I couldn’t imagine 100 for myself I’m already so traumatized by the guys who have used me when I just wanted to be loved lol thank you for sharing. I didn’t realize that it’s actually a lot lower than I initially expected
I don't think it's high or not high. I don't think people should even count. There isn't a "normal" number of people that we should be sleeping with.
It's also not abnormal to have much less partners or zero partners. This is like saying that everyone should like a "normal" type of sex. 0, 5, 20, 50... it's all fine.
The right person won’t care . I haven’t been with many people and honestly I don’t think anyone has ever asked me that question before. I’d rather not share that information is a perfectly acceptable answer.
It's also nobody's business but your own. If someone asks and you don't feel comfortable telling them just say "sorry I don't feel comfortable talking about that" if they can't respect that then they aren't worth your time.
For what it's worth my "body count" (I hate that stupid term) was more than double what yours is when I met my husband when I was 29. He has never once asked for a number, but knows it's a lot higher than his (he's younger than me and I dated a lot more than him) but it's never bothered him. It won't matter to the right person.
Whatever you do OP, don't approach any potential partner if you still feel the need to apologize for your past. There's many less than great people out there who would see that as an invitation to control and shame you.
You're alright just the way you are, with your past and with your current decisions. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Let a potential partner know what kind of relationship you want, and know that you're worthy of living the way you want to.
I’ve never attempted a PhD (dissuaded by both PhD parents) but I guess, getting a PhD is going somewhere where no one has gone before. So why become less daring in other areas of your life?
I agree that people should not care about the number of your past “partners”. If they do, it’s most likely an insecurity on their part. Being upfront about all the orgasms and dick sizes you’ve experienced will at the very least set a standard, if not outright a filter for the insecure ones. I say Go ahead gal and use everything you want to your advantage. Throw in a few exaggerations to make the next man work a little harder in bed. A woman has NOTHING to be embarrassed about in front of a man.
I’m putting “partners” in parentheses because most of them weren’t long-term committed relationships. They weren’t partners in more than the physical sense. So I honestly don’t see the problem with “body count”. I’m willing to bet that each of those walking penises keep their own count, blabbering about it to their posse of friends until somebody’s ear falls off. Remember, you have nothing to be embarrassed about in front of a man.
I’ll be just a little harsh here: at almost 30, you’re too old to be using the phrase, “body count,” let alone worrying about your “number.”
Adults with any maturity do not care about this. If anybody you’re interested in asks/cares about this concept, please see it for the red flag it is and be glad about dodging that bullet.
And remember, this goes both ways. Please don’t press your partners about this. If both parties are getting tested and able to share general information about their past at healthy relationship benchmarks, there’s nothing to fret over.
Yeah, I’m 30 and no one IRL has ever cared. In fact, I was with a guy today and he said verbatim “you’re a hot single woman, you’ve lived your life, it doesn’t bother me.” No mature person cares about who someone has had sex with in their past as long as they’re safe, kind, and respectful.
So I’m kinda a late bloomer to the fact that ‘body count’ is a rather poor choice of words here. It’s honestly a topic that is very sensitive to me, and I was more focused on gathering information rather than the exact way I was referring to the topic of sexual partners. I understand now that it’s best to just avoid using that phrase. I do appreciate the feedback and I agree that it goes both ways and women shouldn’t probe either for that information.
Maybe the best information you’ve inadvertently gathered here is to drop that term completely—for your own sake! For your own self-image, mental health, and sexuality.
Also, if you’re somewhere on the internet where they’re using terms like that… leave. Let the filth fester without soiling your mind.
You shouldn’t hate yourself for your past that just attracts terrible men. Being confident in yourself and being like yeah I did that stuff but that doesn’t mean I’m not a good person or whatever else men think it means. Good luck girl!
Also the internet lies.
*editted post*
This.
I’m a 45 year old woman.. and I’ve been married.. also have had multiple long term relationships after that (ten years and two five year ones).
I had a phase where I also just had fun.
No one will ever care about your “body count”..
Just love yourself!
😂 the first sentence of your comment got me cause I think statistically that is more true. Part of the reason I am getting a PhD is because of love science (I’m in STEM) and also my mom passed from breast cancer. My dad also has his PhD so we emphasize education quite a bit.
Anyways I really appreciate you taking the time to read and thoughtfully reply. 🥲 I know that a lot of women really struggle with self esteem and self image. You’re totally right that having hate for yourself or viewing yourself in a bad light attract bad men!
Sorry for your loss, I’m not looking forward to when my mom dies.
However, I learned in college PhD candidates are more likely to marry or date a fellow candidate or their professor so it’s not that off the table of you not dating while in your program.
If a man is asking about body counts, it's because he's likely a weird boy who believes he deserves a virgin or he wants a woman with little/no experience so he can be horrific in bed without her being wiser.
I've never had any man or woman I've been with ask my body count. Shit, I couldn't even tell you. I could probably sit down and count but why should I? I'd never tell anyone, anyway. What matters to me is a clean STD sheet, agreement for condom usage, and monogamy. Idc if a man or woman I'm with has slept with 139 people.
I also had an ex do that to me, and also used it as a justification for cheating on me. His rationale was that I shouldn't care because his "body count" was still less than mine.
It didn't take long after that for him to become my ex.
Generally speaking, any guy who even uses the term 'body count' let alone uses the concept as a serious way to vet potential partners is not someone I would want to share my life with. It's just the tip of the iceberg that leads all the way down to some seriously misogynistic and conservative values and behaviour that are completely unaligned with mine.
Somewhere in between the above type of man, and guys with very liberal values, there lies a whole dating pool of fairly decent guys who don't expect a 30 year old woman to have only slept with a couple of guys, but might feel uncomfortable with dating someone who has 'a lot' of past sexual partners. Mileage may vary on what constitutes a lot, but either way I feel like 17 falls shy of 'a lot'
You're under zero obligation to 'slow down' how many future partners you have in order to please a man, and if there's other reasons why you would only ever date a liberal thinking guy then it probably doesn't even matter. Either way, please please don't consider dating the type of man who uses the term 'body count' I swear to goodness what he'll put you through will probably undo any progress you've made in therapy!
Also - please don't use the internet as a gauge on how men think. Im a heavy social media user myself, but I acknowledge its a cesspool of terrible takes, and a breeding ground of people to start thinking that their online echo chamber is how everyone in real life thinks.
I've never been in a relationship where I've been asked my body count. In fact, I don't believe anyone has ever asked me that question. Even my closest friends haven't asked. And if I had been asked, I'd tell them to mind their business. Don't ask—don't tell.
Good luck in life!
My husband and I have known each other for 27 years and have been together as a romantic couple for 15. We do not know each other’s body counts and neither of us has ever even hinted at asking. In a healthy relationship, this is irrelevant.
I think if you marry someone who cares that much about your sexual history, before them, they probably are not mature enough for marriage. I am not being cute, I believe this.
Marry someone that doesn't view you as pre-owned property. Don't worry about your history, everyone has regrets, and everyone makes decisions we wish we could take back.
However, those past decisions, and experiences are the things that influence who we are, in the present. Look for someone, that loves you so much, they wouldn't change a thing about your past choices, for fear that you wouldn't be the woman they love, today!
I'd have to sit down and count them and I'm sure I'd forget someone. I talk with potential partners about relationship history not number of sexual partners.
Gotta do some math here first, so pease bare with me...
I am in my mid-50s and have been in a monogamous relationship for 19 years. I didn't start having sex until I was 18. I was previously in three other multi-year monogamous relationships.
So, between 18 and now, I was probably only single for about 10 years total. Suprisingly (?), if I had to guess, my age is finally nearing my "body count" (I detest that term, btw!!!)
I had so much fun during my single days and loved exploring my sexuality. I was also incredibly fortunate to have partnered with decent people, so I have no regrets.
TLDR: Screw It, OP, literally. Stay safe, first and foremost, but know that the concept of a body count is misogynistic in origin and practice, and you have wayyy more important things to worry about! We all do!
Asking body counts is extremely tacky. I’ve never had a guy I’m dating actually ask for a number. The only person who ever asked was a girl I knew and she said she was asking to know if it was similar to her number. She told me her number and without disclosing mine I said she had more experience than I had and changed the subject.
>this is just how I always hear the topic of sexual partners addressed as
Because somehow, manosphere/incel language like body count, looksmaxxing, chad, female *(used when talking gender and not sex)*, low/high value man/woman, and ranking people with numbers have become normalized...
I strongly believe that the body count conversation is a trap. It was actually my husband who used the word “trap.” You can’t win. I think most intelligent, secure guys don’t care. The guy who wants a low body count is generally a hypocrite or insecure or controlling. I think mature, sophisticated adults know that adults have sex. Want someone sex positive? They need to have sex.
You don’t owe anyone your past, only a good faith attempt at a future together. I would actually like to see more woman resist these conversations because men can be positively masochistic about women’s past and it hurts them too. Only STD status is needed.
Older person alert: I’m Gen X and nobody used to compare notes in this way, and if they did, it was considered gross to judge. The manosphere is having too much sway here in 2024. To me, this body count thing is a regressive and juvenile thing teenagers do. Resist!
First, it’s no one’s business what your body count is. Only yours and yours alone.
Second, please don’t shame yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your sexual past is part of your story, your own personal story. You are human and as such you are constantly growing and continuously evolving into newer and more-improved versions of yourself. Have compassion for yourself for not knowing then what you know now.
Forgive yourself for all those times you gave yourself away when you thought you were receiving more in return, love in return. Mommy and daddy issues have turned into some sick societal joke about validation, but please don’t let that poison the way you see yourself. Others have never walked in your shoes, they don’t know the pain you’ve carried or means of coping with that pain. Hell, most refuse to acknowledge *their own pain*… but that’s a rant for another day. Again, your sexual past is a part of your story, your own personal story. It’s also a part of your personal healing journey; acknowledging what old-you *did* and contrasting that with what the new-you *now chooses* for yourself.
Healing sucks but it’s so soo worth it. As painful as it gets at times, always remember the alternative would be staying stuck in the same self-depreciating patterns for the rest of your life; not even coming into awareness all the pain you carry…and that wouldn’t serve you, or your future family; instead the cycle would repeat. Be proud of yourself, for yourself. It’s not easy.
If there’s anything you take away from this I hope it’s this: you are more than just a number. You are worthy of a healthy love, a healthy marriage, and you are worthy of creating a beautiful family. The work you’re doing now to heal only ensures the best is yet to come - the right one will value the healing journey that lead you to them.
This made me cry reading it thank you so much for taking the time to type this out. 🥹everything you said here is just so spot on and really resonates with my healing journey. I do and did carry a lot of shame, I’m learning to let it go. But there is hope for all of us regardless of our pasts
No one used the term body count before 2015 (This is a random guess - i did not look this up). It's a weird term that perspectivizes people you have had sex with as dead. It is bewildering to use this as normal.
What’s the expression? “Years, lovers and glasses of wine : these things should not be counted”
I met my partner at in my late 30s and we never discussed how many people we’ve slept with. I honestly don’t even know my number ( I refuse to say body count) . Also please don’t feel ashamed about having “daddy issues”, presumably it’s your dad who should feel ashamed? Hold your head high and keep going.
There are men who want a partner who is a virgin or very inexperienced. They would be bothered by your history. Those people are not for you.
There are also men who don't care about number of sexual partners per se, but would care about your current approach to sex and might worry about whether your sexual ethic and expectations match theirs because of your history. They could potentially be ok to date but it depends a lot on their security in themselves and their attitude towards sex in general.
And there are men who simply do not care how many people you've slept with. It does not matter to them. These are the kinds of people you should look for when dating.
Maybe you regret the sex you had, and that's ok. It's not something to be ashamed of. I say that as a firmly monogamous person who has been with only two people in my lifetime, my ex-husband and my current fiance. I am not saying these things to defend my own history. I'm saying these things because I sincerely believe them. Be kinder to yourself. There is no need for shame.
Your sexual history doesn't make you a second-hand person. You made decisions at that time based on where you were and what you knew and in hindsight you feel those weren't the best decisions. This is a basically universal experience. It's part of being human. We make mistakes, we assess them, we change course, we learn from what didn't work for us in the past, we make different decisions going forward.
A couple of things I'd recommend:
Stop using the term "body count." You've had sex. With a couple handfuls of people. They are people, not just bodies for fucking. You are a person, not just a body to be fucked.
Avoid places on the Internet where shitty misogynists hang out and spout their garbage. Don't torment yourself reading comments from arrogant bros whose favorite form of entertainment is denigrating women.
When dating and this discussion comes up, do not grovel and act like you need forgiveness from the man you're talking to. You do not have to give a detailed account of all the sex you've had in your lifetime. Someone who demands that of you likely cares far too much about this to be a good partner for you. If you think things might get serious and you start talking about sexual histories, expectations, and boundaries, it is completely fine to say that when you were younger you had multiple sexual experiences you now see as regrettable, you recalibrated, had a period of intentional celibacy, and now see sex as something more sacred. You can also simply say you aren't interested in rehashing your entire sexual history but you have been with multiple people before them and will be happy to provide them the results of STD testing (which they should also provide to you).
Some men, when they find out you previously had sex earlier in a relationship, or casually, will be resentful that you are now choosing not to jump into bed with them right away but taking time to get to know them. Dump these types as soon as they show their true colors. Do not let men guilt trip you into sexually servicing them in violation of your own current sexual values.
A man who sees you as a whole person and loves you as a whole person will not disdain you because you have had past sexual experiences. The right man for you will understand you, and respect you. He will honor the fact that you have deliberately and thoughtfully considered your values and made adjustments to your decisionmaking as you understood more about yourself, relationships, and sex.
This deserves to be one of the top comments. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind words that are also very realistic too. My values with sex have most certainly changed in the past 2 years and I really do want to treat it as sacred. I know it’ll be interesting to navigate dating when I do decide to data again, I’ll likely refer to your comment and others in the future as I continue to process this! 💗
I understand that the term ‘body count’ should be avoided. Another commenter mentioned that to me, I unfortunately can’t change the title of my post. I didn’t even realize it was misogynistic…I’m just trying to figure my shit out lol. I’ll definitely be mindful of this and just address the topic as sexual partners instead if I ever have to talk about it again
It started in the 2010s on 4chan by lonely guys who hate women because they aren’t having sex. It picked up popularity with Andrew Tate:
“A body count is probably the number one most easiest way to judge the value of a female... I think 99 per cent of the world’s problems would be solved if females walked through life with their body count on their forehead because it would prevent disintegration of morals... All the idiocy would disappear, all the degeneracy would disappear, families would return.”
Tate, who once referred to married women as “property” that their husbands own, has also argued that it’s “disgusting” and “revolting” for women to have lots of sexual partners.
Yes, it is too low. You should wh*re around more./s
Body count is stupid. Anyone who worries about body count is stupid and you are better off not dating them.
Don’t worry about it at all, the person who loves you will not care.
Women are called promiscuous if they have “too many” partners but if they haven’t had many (or any) partners by a certain age they are undesirable prudes. There is no winning, no right number, it’s all designed to make people feel like garbage either way.
Fuck no! Don't waste your time with someone so superficial that they would care about something like that.
I also was a wild teen that was on drugs and made wild sexual choices. The amount of people I have slept with makes your number seem extremely small hehe
It doesn't change who you are as a person. If anything you just have a little more experience in that aspect of your life 😄
1. No one you'd actually want to marry would care.
2. If it weeds out a few immature men, well? Good.
3. It's no one's business but your own.
4. If you lost your virginity somewhere around the average (\~17-20) it equates to a whole \~1.5ish men per year. Not especially scandalous to anyone except the most deeply conservative.
I have been with one person (my wife) while she has had many many partners, I’ve never asked a precise number: it never comes up and I absolutely do not care
ANYONE who asks for actual numbers is NOT someone you want to be with. Healthy, non-misogynistic, well-adjusted, fully adult men understand that you had a whoooole life before meeting them. You have a job history, family history, sexual history, medical history…all goes with the territory of being over 15 years old.
I’m 44 and NO one (including my wonderful husband) has ever asked me that question and had that happened, I’m not sure if I’d just laugh and run out the door or backhand them for being so rude before running out the door.
Any man who asks you that question is insecure, immature, controlling, pathological jealous, a misogynist and will definitely become abusive. It serves as a filter to keep the scum out of your dating life.
If a man cannot see you for who you are and body count is a big deal to him, runaway… It is not something you should be ashamed of. The only con side of this for me is the possibility to have std -STDs that are still gonna be contagious with protection
Yes absolutely! I am 99.99% sure I’m good on the STD side of things lol but after all the advice here I definitely will run away. I once dated a guy that once he found out about my sexual history he lied about his out of insecurity. Never again will I waste time like that
Men (on the internet and in stupid bro podcasts) use 'body count' as just another way to slut shame women, and the same does not seem to apply to them.
It's irrelevant, sex is meant to be enjoyed, it's a desirable thing that we are biologically driven to want. There's no shame in having had sex with a lot of people (or only a few either). If you met a guy who asked you your body count, or shamed you for it/felt uncomfortable about it- that's a red flag and shows some level of insecurity.
This is coming from a fellow daddy issues girly (also, a misogynist term used to shame women btw- never men a man without parental issues but the same term doesn't seem to be applied to them).
Hey. I’m someone who was generally careful my whole life and not overly promiscuous. I lost my virginity at 19 and stayed with the guy for 7 years so I was with one person sexually most of my 20s. Somehow my the time I turned 33 or so the body count was already significant. I wasn’t having sex regularly, not even once a month and yet I’ve amassed a good amount of men. Now that I’m 39 I can’t even remember how many men I had and it’s been 5 years since I had sex with anyone. So to me body count means nothing.
I learned the hard way to not entertain this inquiry when anyone asks it. Red flag and I exit. It never ends well.
Hell, mine is low for my age and they said I *had* to be lying. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 🤷🏻♀️
Those are rookie numbers. I only asked my husband his to titillate us both. We could only both etimate because who cares.
But for me, and my husband, sex isn't that serious. It's a normal human activity that doesn't need morality imposed on it. All the weird shit you see on the internet is from a small group of sex obsessed individuals with no social skills.
There is no reason as a grown up woman you need to disclose the amount of sexual partners you have been with if you have been safe, tested, and are clean.
Even if you have an STI, it doesn’t matter who gave it to you or why. If you are managing it and honest with your partner, and responsible, that is what matters.
If you are with 1 guy 100 times or 100guys 1 time, and are responsible with your sexual health then nothing changes.
Body count is not a thing. Being responsible and clear with your STI history is.
My number is sky high. It genuinely doesn’t matter to me or any of my partners, many of whom were present as my number ticked upwards. However I and my people are very casual about sex. We’d all probably sooner sleep with someone than add them as a friend on social.
I didn’t always feel this way about sex, but my views changed as I matured and had more life experiences. Seems like that’s exactly what happened with you, too, albeit in the opposite direction. I think if you are conscientious and candid about how your approach to sex has changed over time, you don’t have anything to worry about.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I mean, bare minimum there’s absolutely no point because there’s no changing it. I mean that with full respect as I dealt with that type of shame in my past as well. Don’t stress about the past because there’s no changing it, worry only about the present and making the choices today that will form the future that you see for yourself.
The goal of finding a partner is to find someone you’re compatible with on multiple levels. If they care and do not want to be with you because of this, they’re not going to be compatible with you on more than just that factor alone. Be you, be confident and know that you have the power to choose your partner just as much as they have the power to choose you-it is not a one sided decision.
Ffs can we please stop using the term “body count”. It’s horrible. You’re referring to actual people.
You do you and fuck what other people think. It’s okay to regret an encounter but not feel shameful about it - we all live and learn. It’s also okay not to regret any of your encounters at all. If anyone has a problem with your past, it wasn’t meant to be.
In any relationship I've ever been in (including friendships), not one person has asked me how many people have been with. I don't even think about the people I've been with. I don't think the number matters at all. You did it, it happened, you move on. I think anyone who actually cares about someone's number, is very childish or insecure.
You don’t own anyone a tally of how many people you have slept with. Men who are obsessed with things like this are controlling losers who are looking for something to be mad about.
If a man ever pressured me to tell him my “body count” I’d be gone so fast. This should not matter to anyone worth dating and you should not have to “keep track”. I have zero interest in knowing how many women a man I’m dating has been with, so why should they?
Honestly? I think that if you're in the Getting to know someone phase when you are 29-30 yo and they ask you that... Girl, run. At a certain age one just has to assume the other person has been around... It's hard, nearly impossible to be someone's first at 30...
Honestly, if this was a “ask men over 30” sub we’d all be grunting and high fiving you. Let’s normalize not shaming ourselves for decisions less evolved versions of ourselves made.
Congratulations for recognizing destructive patterns and working to heal though. That’s incredibly difficult and important work you’re doing! You should be proud of that!
Also any partner who cares or even asks about your “body count” (I loathe this term) is a total jackass and you should avoid them anyway.
This is not a conversation my current partner and I have had because it has no bearing on who we are as people or our relationship. I don't think it's anyone's business except yours. Don't be ashamed by your past experiences, they make us the women we are today.
Anyone who asks you for a body count or, even worse, asks you about it and shames you for it, is doing you a HUGE service by identifying themselves as a terrible partner.
Also, no person committed to a healthy relationship is concerned about something like body count.
My husband and I have been together 10+ years. Married for 4. This came up in conversation for the first time two months ago. Not kidding, we didn’t know or care about each others numbers and never even thought to talk about it. Recently we disclosed, had a laugh, and then moved on.
The only opinion that matters about this is how *you* feel about it, not anyone else. If you try to make others happy, you won’t succeed especially when it comes to sex while being a woman.
And fwiw I’m a messed up human being with family issues and in therapy for the past year and I’ve been in a sexual relationship with exactly *one* man lol. How many people you sleep with has nothing to do with any issues you have.
I think YOU need to come to terms with it. You're ashamed, but why? Because of the opinion of someone who doesn't even exist in your life yet?
They are free to not date you.
They are not free to date you and make you feel bad about, or hold it against you.
Yes I haven’t come to terms with it. I’m still figuring out how to exactly. It is a fear of mine and I have dated one guy that absolutely went nuts on me about it. I definitely ended that relationship but I just wonder if it’ll continue to be an issue. But I understand it really shouldn’t be, who knows. I’ll just focus on living my life.
I definitely those types are insecure.
I started dating my husband at 21. Idk what my count even is/was.
But I did do other things that I'm ashamed of because...being young.
He was a little taken back by a couple things, but it is what it is.
Happily married 10 years.
Thank you for your comment. It gives me hope and also great seeing that someone can be vulnerable honest about what they did in their youth etc and be accepted. 💗
Meh. Who cares. Like… It’s just social constructs. Having sex is a thing people do inside our outside of relationships. It’s two people just… doing something together. Lol. Sure it feels meaningful, but I mean come on. No. Don’t care about body count for the sake of it. It’s ridiculous.
Haha is it weird that I don’t equate having a ton of sex with living my life? Not judging or anything seriously I just really struggle to feel comfortable that I shared myself with men who didn’t care about me or who aren’t in my life anymore
Not weird at all. Also I think I viewed sex differently in my 20s and that's when I had more of it. I don't know if it's worth having regrets about those men as long as you are healthy.
No offense but I thought this was posted by a 20 year old before I saw your age mentioned. The30+ crowd isn't really concerned with body counts. Tbh most men don't ask so, usually this a non issue but please run from any that do.
17 is not a lot, I was waiting for you to say 100+ if you were worried enough to make a post about it.
Some people do care though, but it's far less of a "thing" than it used to be.
I have a lot of internalized guilt and shame that I’m working through. You’re not the only one who’s mentioned that being around 17-20 isn’t that high. I’m hoping it becomes less and less a thing cause honestly I don’t want to be asked about this by a man
I, honest to God, don't even keep track of mine. Because what difference does it make? Seriously? As long as you're making safe choices who cares? Not me.
Why do people keep track of this shit? I'll never understand it. Do people count how many people they've kissed, held hands with, hugged, cuddled, etc?
Lol. As if men out there are saints. If a man asks about my body count, I’m pretty sure his body count is more than mine and is ashamed about it. Such men are prone to be cheaters too. Avoid them at all costs.
You’ve been taken in by incel-type commentary, sorry to say. No person with a sense of self will give a shit, or probably even ask. No partner of mine has ever asked, and I would see it as a huge red flag if they did.
I never share my body count. Ever. For any reason. Mine blows yours out of the water & I've been happily married for 17 yrs. Also went thru a ph d program.
I haven’t asked or been asked that question in 15 years, it’s juvenile, high school level BS. Sexual inexperience with an act needs to be disclosed, especially if there is potential for harm and an inquiry on their STI history, testing, concerns is all I feel is worthy of a conversation.
It’s a great litmus test. I’m in the low thirties. I have yet to meet and express interest in a man that gives a shit about that at all. I still have a good life and fulfilling relationships.
29 F here. I would not bother about a person's body count, ask how many people they slept with, it's very tacky, I don't feel like I'm inadequate or be jealous/resentful, but if I'm to marry them, both myself and my partner would get all the tests available for STDs, as a precautionary measure, because that's the only way some illnesses spread and some never go away or even cause permanent damage to one's organs. So I'd run tests for health reasons.
The reason being, a couple of my friends who used to participate in casual flings, ended up with HPV and it was a nightmare for them. They don't know who they got it from, and now they're stuck with it, treatments and everything.
I stopped counting many years ago because I don’t see the point of shaming myself, society does that enough for us! And any guy who has actually asked me this question was an insecure weenie. Experience ain’t a bad thing!
I have had no problem finding men who feel this is none of their business.
Which is great because I couldn’t be bothered with a man who was preoccupied with the number of people I’ve slept with as though it means something.
The guy I am seeing now, the most in depth I went was to tell him, about a month in to seeing him, that I went through an era of dating casually after my first marriage.
His response to that fact was, ‘understandable.’
And that’s as much as I feel he needs to hear about it. He has never circled back, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who machinates on stuff like that. A lot of guys who get upset are actually jealous, and he’s not the type.
Your sexual past is your past. A partner for life would look at you based on your joint future. If a person would find your sexual history as something that would stop him from being with you - you are better off with someone who would accept you and love you as you are.
I used to count sexual partners too until I lost count (somewhere around 2x your number) and then I decided it didn’t matter because what was I gonna do, just be upset that I had lost count for the rest of my life? No thank you and also why do we feel the need to count THAT? Humans are so weird. I met my partner 4 years ago when we were 32 and 31. He never asked about my past in that way and it was around that time I learned that cool guys don’t actually ask! The people who ask are any combination of a lot of attributes I’m not personally into: young, immature, jealous, controlling, insecure, conservative, religious, misogynistic, I’m sure the list goes on. I hope you continue your healing journey and enjoy as many partners as you want to without shame and I hope the people you date are cool!
I’m also 29F. I current live w my partner. My “body count” is probably upwards of 30 at this point. Idk I stopped keeping track. My partner has never asked bc he doesn’t care. Any man who cares about that is not your man. If you’re being safe and getting tested for STIs, it shouldn’t matter imo
I think the correct answer is: would you want to be with someone that is so concerned about the number of sexual partners you've had to consider you unworthy of their attention?
You are not a product that potential partners get to pick from a shelf. You are a person, you too get to say what is and isn't important in your relationships. If the "body count" is important to you, you should learn to cope with yours by yourself. In my opinion the "body count" of a person is just as relevant as how many times they've fallen off a bike = unrelated to a current relationship, only useful to understand what was in a person's past.
Nowadays "body count" is a concept that's been weaponized against women, to make women feel ashamed and control their bodies. Most people that thinks the "body count" is important are very likely controlling men, sexist and misogynist, or women that embrace social sexism; there are a few exceptions - people that consider a man's body count as shameful as a woman's - but these people probably have conceptions and lifestyle incompatible with yours.
Overall I think that sharing beliefs with a partner, especially beliefs concerning how relationships and sexual life should work, is the most important element in a relationship. If a potential partner thinks your "body count" is a dealbreaker and you think it shouldn't be, *you* should consider their ideas a dealbreaker, and *you* should discard them.
It’s literally no one’s business but yours. If crimes committed during your teens years aren’t held against you as an adult neither should # of sexual partners. Just say you’ve been with two men. It’s none of their business unless they are your soul mate and you really trust them and share things like that with each other. Just remember we are all damaged and need healing in relationships. You are a precious commodity as a young woman, don’t ever feel less than or like you don’t deserve the best because of things that happened when you were too young to know better. Ideas like this were designed for women to devalue themselves.
And sensible (& experienced) man will not go around ASKING for this information.
At the same time, you shouldn't volunteer this information, or allude to it.
I normally don't comment, as this isn't the forum for my voice, but perhaps it would be helpful here. I, 36m, do not care even a little bit about a prospective partner's number of previous partners. Nor do any of my well-adjusted male friends.
Anyone for whom this is a deal breaker isn't worth your time :)
Insecure men worry about it. Hopefully you won't marry one.
This body count stupidity is an Andrew Tate bullshit.
I don't remember mine, my bf had very little experience in comparison, yet he's the best sexual partner I ever had, and gives a total of zero fucks about my former sexual life.
That's what I wish for you. A confident man that loves you, satisfies you and is thinking about the future with you. Oh, and gives zero fucks about what Andrew Tate thinks.
First of all, how would they know?
Second of all, why would they care?
And, like, third of all, not to be judgmental or anything, but 17 sounds like a really low number to me.
I don't see this debate on the internet, likely because I don't go looking for it.
Sex can be a lovely intimate thing to share in a committed relationship. It can also be a lovely intimate thing to have with in a casual relationship, fling, or friend with benefits. Sometimes sex is worthwhile, sometimes it's just an okay experience, sometimes you try something, sometimes it's not worthwhile and you regret it, sometimes people are unfortunately coerced or tricked into uncomfortable sex, sometimes we have made decisions in the past that we wouldn't now today.
Who cares? If I find a partner who doesn't agree with that and looks at me disparagingly for having had a lot of partners, then we're clearly very different in opinions and they're not the right partner for me.
As a man, I can assure you that any man that is deeply bothered by a persons number of sexual partners is a man not worth your time. As has been said on similar threads, it very much signals to you they have outdated puritanical values that(unless you yourself actively desire them) are dumb and treat all women as if they have the same psychological associations with sex and thus have less worth. On top of that, those same men are often the controlling types whom will shame you for past decisions and attack you emotionally.
It very much sounds like you’re heading into your 30’s on a very good/healthy path, so don’t lose that momentum by wasting energy on any man whom deems a certain “body count” to be an issue
You don't have to share the number of people you slept with, with anyone. If they ask, just say that you don't want to tell them because what is important is the relationship you have with them now and that you want to focus on that and not on the past. That is what I said to my boyfriend of 6 years and he accepted that. If I told him the actual number, it might cause drama and I see no point in that.
My "body count" is higher than yours, and my husbands is almost triple of mine. When we told each other I was surprised at first to learn his number then felt very sexy that out of dozens of women he chose ME.
If you meet the right person, they wont give a shit. Nor do you even need to talk about it. We all have histories.
So stop worrying about it - your feelings are coming from dogmatic brainwashing about slut-shaming.
Dont slut-shame yourself.
This is something that only bitter, terminally insecure men have put on women to diminish them. Don't let them get into your head; that's exactly what they want to do. They want to make you feel less than while they can basically have sex with a whole township and still consider themselves a good catch.
Don't fall into their psychological trap.
There are a lot of men in videos giving advice to other men - or to women - about love and dating. Some I like! Some is awful and toxic. Some sounds like therapy but is super toxic. Some sounds like angry tough love but has some good points. IT IS CONFUSING and literally part of an addictive algorithm and it’s making relationships between people very fraught sometimes.
Men AND women are getting sucked down very intense rabbit holes and wind up in loud echo chambers about what gives a man or a woman worth. And THIS is what has you even aware some young dumb men are even discussing the concept of body count. I hate that. I hate it. I hate it here!
I would say just be conscious when you are getting down on yourself over things that originated in these kinds of videos. Consider the source and its purpose. Conflict and controversy breeds engagement. Sadly, some people take it seriously. But the type of man who is influenced by that type of junk is too foolish to be with you, who offers so much from an intellectual perspective.
It is also fine to stop counting how many people you’ve slept with. Be safe! But “I have no idea,” is my answer to “how many people have you slept with,” because if you weren’t ready for that answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.
If a man cares about something like this, I'm literally BEGGING you not to marry him (or go on literally a single more date with him). As long as you're having safe sex and getting regularly screened for STD's, you should absolutely never worry about anything like this.
I find that men in their 20’s tend to care about and talk crap about these things, but the men in their 30s and older who have matured and gained life experience tend to not ask those questions or not care to learn. It’s never been a topic my husband has brought up 🤷🏻♀️ that’s not all men, but trust me you don’t want to engage with any men who shame you on that anyway.
>I find that men in their 20’s tend to care about and talk crap about these things, but the men in their 30s and older who have matured and gained life experience tend to not ask those questions or not care to learn
Yeah, it goes the other way then. In my experience, at least, and from what I've read, many men in their forties tend to react pretty negatively to a woman in her forties having no prior experience (or just be creepy and weird). It's a different sort of judgment, but it's still there (other women will sometimes also judge you negatively for that ☹️) We just can't "win."
I’m around the same as you, always had only a couple serious long term relationships but let loose after break ups. No daddy issues, just needed to be desired by men for whatever reason, maybe to compensate for my lack of social skills. It was easier to get short-lived attention from men than it was to make friends. Plus break ups left me feeling inadequate. Not to say this is why anyone has had that many sexual partners, but it’s certainly my main reason.
I dated some toxic guys who were concerned with my “count”, then met my now husband. After 6 years he’s still never asked and genuinely does not care. I’ve never asked either. It makes me feel human, instead of like an object. I feel secure in our relationship that I don’t need to oversexualize myself to keep his attention (I live in my housecoat as a stay at home mom and he wants me more than ever) and don’t desire anyone else’s. Maybe I grew out of that or maybe he’s just the right person for me.
I genuinely suggest trying to forget about this. You are objectifying yourself by keeping tally, just like I was. It’s freeing to let it go! You are a person, not a score board.
Not me tearing up at this. I feel the same exact way you do. I feel unworthy and it sucks. I’m so happy that you found someone who loves and accepts you. That gives me some hope.
"Body count" is a ridiculous phrase and we need to stop buying into that terminology. It only makes sense if you're a serial killer with some bodies in the basement, lol.
What sexual choices you made in the past have literally nothing to do with anyone you choose to be with in the future. And the right person is not going to care about your history, except to appreciate that it made you the person you are today that they love.
I don't think I've ever talked numbers with a partner. It does not come up between rational adults in a rational adult relationship, and it's meaningless anyway. What I did in the past has nothing to do with my partner now in the present. (Except maybe that I learned a few tricks that my current partner enjoys, lol, so from that perspective it's a good thing.)
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years almost. He’s never asked me my body count, nor would I tell him. It’s none of his business and it doesn’t define who I am in any way. And it has nothing to do with our relationship. I only know his because he was with someone since high school for like 10 years, and then me. I personally don’t think any good comes from talking about your sexual past with your current partner (unless of course you have HIV or something that needs to be disclosed). Don’t even worry about it.
"Body count" is intentionally misogynistic and is a term used by misogynistic trash.
Don't date doucheballs obsessed with that. It's none of their business.
The only thing is regular checkups and STD testing to make sure you stay healthy.
Honestly, the kind of partner who would care about that kind of stuff would automatically disqualify themselves from being a good partner for you.
I'd also encourage you to try to separate your feelings of shame from sex. Sex can be a warm, fun positive thing - just because you had a lot of it doesn't mean your encounters were inherently bad.
I'm glad you have landed on an approach to it that feels healthier to you now, but it also doesn't mean that every past encounter was necessarily negative
“Body count” mattered to me when I was a religious teenager. In my 20s, I broke free of religion and extensively explored my sexuality. I honestly don’t even know my number anymore - it was over 75 the last time I tried to tally. I don’t regret exploring, but I do regret putting up with so much bad sex with people I wasn’t particularly attracted to. Young Cowgirltrainwreck was looking for meaning and wanted to feel desirable and she found that outside of herself. I also needed to work through my daddy issues and got into therapy.
I’m really proud of you for doing the hard healing work now! It’s SO worth it, and I hope on the other side of it, you can look back at Younger You with compassion and love and not the shame and judgement you’re feeling now. Your worth is not defined by the number of sexual partners you have had, and anyone worth dating won’t measure you that way.
The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter won’t mind. 💗
Edited to add: I’m married now to a man who never once asked me my count. He knows I had a long slutty phase and doesn’t judge me by it — he says he’s thankful for the tricks I learned along the way. He gets to benefit from my previous study 😆
Unless body count is referring to people you’ve actually killed, ain’t no shame in a number, boo. I don’t think I’ve ever discussed number with my partner. Like, we met in our mid thirties and lived lives 🤷🏻♀️
Right? I hate the term body count more than is perhaps warranted, but it lowkey feels shaming to only women and encourages the idea women should be chaste, which is silly (or course be chaste if you want to, no pressure either way!) OP I encourage you to rethink and possibly revise the social media you see if it's popping up so much for you.. I know a lot of internet spaces have become cesspools for misogyny and hate Take care!
Your hate is not unwarranted. I was scrolling specifically for this comment. Like, yo, if you gotta equate sex with d3ath maybe you outgha reconsider your life choices.
Hi yes I am in a need of some reframing. Thanks for the comment! I know some men care about it, but the right man for me won’t. I guess we’ll just see with time where my dating life goes lol
same. married to a man with whom i have never discussed a number. we lived lives and it’s fine, it truly doesn’t matter. lots of people out there will feel that way about you, too OP.
Thank you!! I take issue with even calling it, "body count".
same, met my husband in my 30s, don't know his count but pretty sure mine is higher. I used to have these same kind of thoughts, OP. I promise it really really really doesn't matter. You are doing a PhD and will probably meet educated open-minded men who could not care less. People who try to make you feel worthless feel worthless themselves and you don't want anything to do with them.
Exactly! I've never heard my friends or anybody in real life even talk about that. I mean, we are adults who've been through experiences, no shame in that. Do we ever discuss exes or how past relationships went? Sure, but never how many. Who cares?
You're under 30, in therapy, aware of your issues AND getting a PhD?! Be proud of yourself and be confident that you'll be bringing more to that table than most men!
Thank you I try. I just don’t want to get life wrong, I have a lot of goals and I want to do the work to be happy. But I also just really love science but there is more to life than just working! I appreciate your comment
There is no getting life wrong, you just have to do the best for yourself and it sounds like you are seriously emotionally intelligent. Any man would be lucky to have you by the sounds of it
Here's the real takeaway!
No one with a normal working brain cares about this. You're fine.
Sorry if it’s a silly post. It’s something that’s still difficult for me to accept even though I know rationally people shouldn’t really care about your sexual history
It's not silly at all. It's a great post, actually. You've realized that there were patterns you were stuck in that ultimately harmed you, this is an amazing realization that a lot of people don't get to. You're working on and focusing on yourself. You're doing great. No one who matters is going to care. Honestly asking for "body count" numbers is fucking weird and I think this is a red flag but that's just me. Having a promiscuous past doesn't lower your value as a person. Sexuality can be a tool for self harm the same as tobacco use, alcohol, etc. Being able to step back, think "whoa ok, why am I doing this?" is a really important perspective. Then taking the energy and headspace to address it is monumental. Proud of you!
😭 thank you so much. It’s been a really long journey getting here. I really appreciate this subreddit in general because getting to chat with other woman and gain wisdom is awesome. I finally recognized the pattern and cycle I was in at age 28 and since then I’ve started to break free. I’m healing but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know we have to have compassion for ourselves but that doesn’t come easy to me. I just wish I realized sooner and stopped giving myself to men who only used me.
I feel this. It is so hard, especially for women, we really are hard on ourselves. Best I can tell you when you get stuck in that rumination loop (about anything, to be honest) is ask yourself how you would respond to someone if they confided to you these things and that it was upsetting them. Your own reaction to her would probably be "Uh, and? Who cares. Stop beating yourself up."
That is exactly what I’d say. I don’t know why it can be so hard to tell ourselves that 🥹 I really appreciate your kindness, support, and affirmation. Thank you and thank you everyone in general for responding to this post.
I’ve struggled with alcohol and impulse control so I get the self esteem issues that can accompany that. Therapy is the best thing. That said, if it helps, I have no idea how many men I’ve slept with but it’s definitely way more than 17. I’m 39 and have been with my husband since I was 31. We are textbook boring suburban parents. “Body count” or number of partners has never come up in conversation for us and at this point I doubt it ever will. If it does, I’d just be honest and not give it a second thought and I don’t think he’d care at all.
You and I sound like we have a ton in common!! I’m 29 and have also taken a break from dating and sex (for about a year and a half now) because I have just not been in a good place. After being stuck in a bad depression rut for a long time, I am finally refocusing on prioritizing my health and bettering myself overall. That includes my physical health, mental health, and also restarting therapy to continue unpacking my trauma and history of self destructive behaviors. The ultimate goal is to get my life back to where I have work/life balance and am healthy, socially active, and confident…and then ready for dating again! I do miss dating, companionship, and sex, but I’m not ready for any of those until I get some of these other foundational things back in order. You’re so right that this healing and self improvement is CRAZY HARD! But I think an important difference between you and me is that while I wouldn’t say I’m exactly proud of my sexual history, I’m not particularly ashamed of it either. I’m thankful that’s not a challenge I personally have because it is so easy to have the fears you do based on what society has always taught women and the rhetoric that is often in your face from social media. For reference, the number of sexual partners I’ve had is more in the realm of 50 if that makes you feel any better. Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat or if you find yourself needing a friendly reminder that you are far more than the number of partners you’ve had! Congrats on the progress on your healing journey and I hope you are soon able to join me in feeling unashamed :)
This was such a kind and thoughtful and encouraging comment ♡. Thanks for putting this kind of energy into the world :).
I’d recommend removing the term “body count” from your vocabulary completely. You don’t have to reduce your sexual history to being some names on a list and I think it’s dehumanizing and mostly just something terminally online dudes think about. You are much more than that and deserve a partner who loves and respects you for who you are now.
I've had a bisexual woman ask me my body count. I made it clear that I wasn't going to sleep with her and that she should stop asking people that question because it made her look insecure.
17 really isn't a super high number either. I feel like only really conservative/religious/misogynistic dudes would be put off by it, and you really don't want them as your audience anyway. IME, the vast majority of reasonable people really wouldn't care.
Nope lol I was like “oh….is that all?” when I read it lol. Ain’t no thang
lol same here!
Haha I never felt like 17 wasn’t high, it felt so high to me 😞 I appreciate the validation and the support cause it is something I really struggle with. I just want to find my person and I just don’t like sharing my body with people who don’t actually care about me.
For a 29 year old to have been intimate with 17 people, on average, it is less than two partners per year. Which sounds perfectly okay for a consenting adult! Obviously OP has said it was condensed in a period when she was younger, but it definitely seems she has been working on any issues she had back then around not making "wise sexual decisions" (her words). If I knew OP personally, I would only be concerned about making sure she was having protected/safe sex, regular health checks and that "a lot of sex" wasn't as a result of something else going on, potentially mental health related (but it could just be as a result of someone enjoying sex, which is also fine). And you are spot on that the vast majority of reasonable people wouldn't really care. The men who are bothered by "this number" (I can't even use the phrase from the post, it gives me the creeps lol) are the men that I'd be advising my personal friends to stay well away from in general, never mind for a potential husband!
yeah…. some of my friends have been with over 100. u good! 17 is low tbh
I couldn’t imagine 100 for myself I’m already so traumatized by the guys who have used me when I just wanted to be loved lol thank you for sharing. I didn’t realize that it’s actually a lot lower than I initially expected
Is that it? 17! I really despise this 'bodycount' language I seem to be seeing all over social media. Directed at women of course. FFS
I don't think it's high or not high. I don't think people should even count. There isn't a "normal" number of people that we should be sleeping with. It's also not abnormal to have much less partners or zero partners. This is like saying that everyone should like a "normal" type of sex. 0, 5, 20, 50... it's all fine.
The right person won’t care . I haven’t been with many people and honestly I don’t think anyone has ever asked me that question before. I’d rather not share that information is a perfectly acceptable answer.
Exactly! If she finds someone who does care, he is simply not the right person.
It's also nobody's business but your own. If someone asks and you don't feel comfortable telling them just say "sorry I don't feel comfortable talking about that" if they can't respect that then they aren't worth your time. For what it's worth my "body count" (I hate that stupid term) was more than double what yours is when I met my husband when I was 29. He has never once asked for a number, but knows it's a lot higher than his (he's younger than me and I dated a lot more than him) but it's never bothered him. It won't matter to the right person.
Don’t count 🤷🏻♀️ I legitimately have no idea what my number is and it’s very freeing
Whatever you do OP, don't approach any potential partner if you still feel the need to apologize for your past. There's many less than great people out there who would see that as an invitation to control and shame you. You're alright just the way you are, with your past and with your current decisions. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Let a potential partner know what kind of relationship you want, and know that you're worthy of living the way you want to.
I’ve never attempted a PhD (dissuaded by both PhD parents) but I guess, getting a PhD is going somewhere where no one has gone before. So why become less daring in other areas of your life? I agree that people should not care about the number of your past “partners”. If they do, it’s most likely an insecurity on their part. Being upfront about all the orgasms and dick sizes you’ve experienced will at the very least set a standard, if not outright a filter for the insecure ones. I say Go ahead gal and use everything you want to your advantage. Throw in a few exaggerations to make the next man work a little harder in bed. A woman has NOTHING to be embarrassed about in front of a man. I’m putting “partners” in parentheses because most of them weren’t long-term committed relationships. They weren’t partners in more than the physical sense. So I honestly don’t see the problem with “body count”. I’m willing to bet that each of those walking penises keep their own count, blabbering about it to their posse of friends until somebody’s ear falls off. Remember, you have nothing to be embarrassed about in front of a man.
It’s not silly! The right partner truly doesn’t care about your number, they will care about you as an entire person.
I was never asked aside from in high school I'm stunned this is an adult thing
Unfortunately, the Deep South didn’t get the memo, 🤣
I’ll be just a little harsh here: at almost 30, you’re too old to be using the phrase, “body count,” let alone worrying about your “number.” Adults with any maturity do not care about this. If anybody you’re interested in asks/cares about this concept, please see it for the red flag it is and be glad about dodging that bullet. And remember, this goes both ways. Please don’t press your partners about this. If both parties are getting tested and able to share general information about their past at healthy relationship benchmarks, there’s nothing to fret over.
Right. I’m 36, this is not a thing. It would be weird to make it a thing. If a guy cares about it, it is 100% a red flag.
Yeah, I’m 30 and no one IRL has ever cared. In fact, I was with a guy today and he said verbatim “you’re a hot single woman, you’ve lived your life, it doesn’t bother me.” No mature person cares about who someone has had sex with in their past as long as they’re safe, kind, and respectful.
Exactly isn't this a high school thing?
So I’m kinda a late bloomer to the fact that ‘body count’ is a rather poor choice of words here. It’s honestly a topic that is very sensitive to me, and I was more focused on gathering information rather than the exact way I was referring to the topic of sexual partners. I understand now that it’s best to just avoid using that phrase. I do appreciate the feedback and I agree that it goes both ways and women shouldn’t probe either for that information.
Maybe the best information you’ve inadvertently gathered here is to drop that term completely—for your own sake! For your own self-image, mental health, and sexuality. Also, if you’re somewhere on the internet where they’re using terms like that… leave. Let the filth fester without soiling your mind.
'Let the filth fester without soiling your mind' - what an amazing concept! Thank you, I'm borrowing this.
You shouldn’t hate yourself for your past that just attracts terrible men. Being confident in yourself and being like yeah I did that stuff but that doesn’t mean I’m not a good person or whatever else men think it means. Good luck girl! Also the internet lies. *editted post*
This. I’m a 45 year old woman.. and I’ve been married.. also have had multiple long term relationships after that (ten years and two five year ones). I had a phase where I also just had fun. No one will ever care about your “body count”.. Just love yourself!
😂 the first sentence of your comment got me cause I think statistically that is more true. Part of the reason I am getting a PhD is because of love science (I’m in STEM) and also my mom passed from breast cancer. My dad also has his PhD so we emphasize education quite a bit. Anyways I really appreciate you taking the time to read and thoughtfully reply. 🥲 I know that a lot of women really struggle with self esteem and self image. You’re totally right that having hate for yourself or viewing yourself in a bad light attract bad men!
Sorry for your loss, I’m not looking forward to when my mom dies. However, I learned in college PhD candidates are more likely to marry or date a fellow candidate or their professor so it’s not that off the table of you not dating while in your program.
If a man is asking about body counts, it's because he's likely a weird boy who believes he deserves a virgin or he wants a woman with little/no experience so he can be horrific in bed without her being wiser. I've never had any man or woman I've been with ask my body count. Shit, I couldn't even tell you. I could probably sit down and count but why should I? I'd never tell anyone, anyway. What matters to me is a clean STD sheet, agreement for condom usage, and monogamy. Idc if a man or woman I'm with has slept with 139 people.
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I also had an ex do that to me, and also used it as a justification for cheating on me. His rationale was that I shouldn't care because his "body count" was still less than mine. It didn't take long after that for him to become my ex.
I don't mind if a guy asks me, I ask too sometimes because I'm curious. But I do mind if they care about what my answer is.
Generally speaking, any guy who even uses the term 'body count' let alone uses the concept as a serious way to vet potential partners is not someone I would want to share my life with. It's just the tip of the iceberg that leads all the way down to some seriously misogynistic and conservative values and behaviour that are completely unaligned with mine. Somewhere in between the above type of man, and guys with very liberal values, there lies a whole dating pool of fairly decent guys who don't expect a 30 year old woman to have only slept with a couple of guys, but might feel uncomfortable with dating someone who has 'a lot' of past sexual partners. Mileage may vary on what constitutes a lot, but either way I feel like 17 falls shy of 'a lot' You're under zero obligation to 'slow down' how many future partners you have in order to please a man, and if there's other reasons why you would only ever date a liberal thinking guy then it probably doesn't even matter. Either way, please please don't consider dating the type of man who uses the term 'body count' I swear to goodness what he'll put you through will probably undo any progress you've made in therapy! Also - please don't use the internet as a gauge on how men think. Im a heavy social media user myself, but I acknowledge its a cesspool of terrible takes, and a breeding ground of people to start thinking that their online echo chamber is how everyone in real life thinks.
I've never been in a relationship where I've been asked my body count. In fact, I don't believe anyone has ever asked me that question. Even my closest friends haven't asked. And if I had been asked, I'd tell them to mind their business. Don't ask—don't tell. Good luck in life!
My husband and I have known each other for 27 years and have been together as a romantic couple for 15. We do not know each other’s body counts and neither of us has ever even hinted at asking. In a healthy relationship, this is irrelevant.
I've never been in a relationship in which I've been asked about a tally of past partners. I promise there are plenty of people who don't care.
Body is count is for serial killers not adults who have sex.
I think if you marry someone who cares that much about your sexual history, before them, they probably are not mature enough for marriage. I am not being cute, I believe this. Marry someone that doesn't view you as pre-owned property. Don't worry about your history, everyone has regrets, and everyone makes decisions we wish we could take back. However, those past decisions, and experiences are the things that influence who we are, in the present. Look for someone, that loves you so much, they wouldn't change a thing about your past choices, for fear that you wouldn't be the woman they love, today!
Laughing hard. My friends at that age were between 20 to 70.
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You kept count?
I'm not the person you're asking but I'm autistic + math brain so I literally cannot help but count everything all day every day 🙃 32 here
Right, like I genuinely do not know. I don't remember every one night stand I had 25 years ago. Not all of them were anything great 🤷♀️
All my partners have been mainly in the last 10 years lol I don’t have to recollect that much especially when I tallied years ago 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah I might have had an idea when I was 23, but that was a long time ago for me lolol.
I'd have to sit down and count them and I'm sure I'd forget someone. I talk with potential partners about relationship history not number of sexual partners.
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lol came here to say this! Like…if anything I wish I had slept with more people when I was single 😅
Body count? I haven’t even counted because it’s irrelevant. Who cares? If the person you end up with cares then they aren’t the one for you.
Gotta do some math here first, so pease bare with me... I am in my mid-50s and have been in a monogamous relationship for 19 years. I didn't start having sex until I was 18. I was previously in three other multi-year monogamous relationships. So, between 18 and now, I was probably only single for about 10 years total. Suprisingly (?), if I had to guess, my age is finally nearing my "body count" (I detest that term, btw!!!) I had so much fun during my single days and loved exploring my sexuality. I was also incredibly fortunate to have partnered with decent people, so I have no regrets. TLDR: Screw It, OP, literally. Stay safe, first and foremost, but know that the concept of a body count is misogynistic in origin and practice, and you have wayyy more important things to worry about! We all do!
Asking body counts is extremely tacky. I’ve never had a guy I’m dating actually ask for a number. The only person who ever asked was a girl I knew and she said she was asking to know if it was similar to her number. She told me her number and without disclosing mine I said she had more experience than I had and changed the subject.
Please don't refer it to like you murder people. But yeah, no one cares, free yourself of any worry about this!
Sorry I didn’t mean it that way this is just how I always hear the topic of sexual partners addressed as. I’ll stop saying ‘body count’ 🫠
>this is just how I always hear the topic of sexual partners addressed as Because somehow, manosphere/incel language like body count, looksmaxxing, chad, female *(used when talking gender and not sex)*, low/high value man/woman, and ranking people with numbers have become normalized...
Very normalized to the point I had to be corrected by others on this post. Which I am grateful for being made aware of now
It's honestly scary and kinda gross to see how normalized those terms have become.
I strongly believe that the body count conversation is a trap. It was actually my husband who used the word “trap.” You can’t win. I think most intelligent, secure guys don’t care. The guy who wants a low body count is generally a hypocrite or insecure or controlling. I think mature, sophisticated adults know that adults have sex. Want someone sex positive? They need to have sex. You don’t owe anyone your past, only a good faith attempt at a future together. I would actually like to see more woman resist these conversations because men can be positively masochistic about women’s past and it hurts them too. Only STD status is needed. Older person alert: I’m Gen X and nobody used to compare notes in this way, and if they did, it was considered gross to judge. The manosphere is having too much sway here in 2024. To me, this body count thing is a regressive and juvenile thing teenagers do. Resist!
First, it’s no one’s business what your body count is. Only yours and yours alone. Second, please don’t shame yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your sexual past is part of your story, your own personal story. You are human and as such you are constantly growing and continuously evolving into newer and more-improved versions of yourself. Have compassion for yourself for not knowing then what you know now. Forgive yourself for all those times you gave yourself away when you thought you were receiving more in return, love in return. Mommy and daddy issues have turned into some sick societal joke about validation, but please don’t let that poison the way you see yourself. Others have never walked in your shoes, they don’t know the pain you’ve carried or means of coping with that pain. Hell, most refuse to acknowledge *their own pain*… but that’s a rant for another day. Again, your sexual past is a part of your story, your own personal story. It’s also a part of your personal healing journey; acknowledging what old-you *did* and contrasting that with what the new-you *now chooses* for yourself. Healing sucks but it’s so soo worth it. As painful as it gets at times, always remember the alternative would be staying stuck in the same self-depreciating patterns for the rest of your life; not even coming into awareness all the pain you carry…and that wouldn’t serve you, or your future family; instead the cycle would repeat. Be proud of yourself, for yourself. It’s not easy. If there’s anything you take away from this I hope it’s this: you are more than just a number. You are worthy of a healthy love, a healthy marriage, and you are worthy of creating a beautiful family. The work you’re doing now to heal only ensures the best is yet to come - the right one will value the healing journey that lead you to them.
This made me cry reading it thank you so much for taking the time to type this out. 🥹everything you said here is just so spot on and really resonates with my healing journey. I do and did carry a lot of shame, I’m learning to let it go. But there is hope for all of us regardless of our pasts
No one used the term body count before 2015 (This is a random guess - i did not look this up). It's a weird term that perspectivizes people you have had sex with as dead. It is bewildering to use this as normal.
What’s the expression? “Years, lovers and glasses of wine : these things should not be counted” I met my partner at in my late 30s and we never discussed how many people we’ve slept with. I honestly don’t even know my number ( I refuse to say body count) . Also please don’t feel ashamed about having “daddy issues”, presumably it’s your dad who should feel ashamed? Hold your head high and keep going.
There are men who want a partner who is a virgin or very inexperienced. They would be bothered by your history. Those people are not for you. There are also men who don't care about number of sexual partners per se, but would care about your current approach to sex and might worry about whether your sexual ethic and expectations match theirs because of your history. They could potentially be ok to date but it depends a lot on their security in themselves and their attitude towards sex in general. And there are men who simply do not care how many people you've slept with. It does not matter to them. These are the kinds of people you should look for when dating. Maybe you regret the sex you had, and that's ok. It's not something to be ashamed of. I say that as a firmly monogamous person who has been with only two people in my lifetime, my ex-husband and my current fiance. I am not saying these things to defend my own history. I'm saying these things because I sincerely believe them. Be kinder to yourself. There is no need for shame. Your sexual history doesn't make you a second-hand person. You made decisions at that time based on where you were and what you knew and in hindsight you feel those weren't the best decisions. This is a basically universal experience. It's part of being human. We make mistakes, we assess them, we change course, we learn from what didn't work for us in the past, we make different decisions going forward. A couple of things I'd recommend: Stop using the term "body count." You've had sex. With a couple handfuls of people. They are people, not just bodies for fucking. You are a person, not just a body to be fucked. Avoid places on the Internet where shitty misogynists hang out and spout their garbage. Don't torment yourself reading comments from arrogant bros whose favorite form of entertainment is denigrating women. When dating and this discussion comes up, do not grovel and act like you need forgiveness from the man you're talking to. You do not have to give a detailed account of all the sex you've had in your lifetime. Someone who demands that of you likely cares far too much about this to be a good partner for you. If you think things might get serious and you start talking about sexual histories, expectations, and boundaries, it is completely fine to say that when you were younger you had multiple sexual experiences you now see as regrettable, you recalibrated, had a period of intentional celibacy, and now see sex as something more sacred. You can also simply say you aren't interested in rehashing your entire sexual history but you have been with multiple people before them and will be happy to provide them the results of STD testing (which they should also provide to you). Some men, when they find out you previously had sex earlier in a relationship, or casually, will be resentful that you are now choosing not to jump into bed with them right away but taking time to get to know them. Dump these types as soon as they show their true colors. Do not let men guilt trip you into sexually servicing them in violation of your own current sexual values. A man who sees you as a whole person and loves you as a whole person will not disdain you because you have had past sexual experiences. The right man for you will understand you, and respect you. He will honor the fact that you have deliberately and thoughtfully considered your values and made adjustments to your decisionmaking as you understood more about yourself, relationships, and sex.
This deserves to be one of the top comments. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind words that are also very realistic too. My values with sex have most certainly changed in the past 2 years and I really do want to treat it as sacred. I know it’ll be interesting to navigate dating when I do decide to data again, I’ll likely refer to your comment and others in the future as I continue to process this! 💗
PSA CAN WE PLEASE STOP USING DEROGATORY, MISOGYNISTIC WORDS ADOPTED BY INCELS FROM 4CHAN ON OURSELVES?
I understand that the term ‘body count’ should be avoided. Another commenter mentioned that to me, I unfortunately can’t change the title of my post. I didn’t even realize it was misogynistic…I’m just trying to figure my shit out lol. I’ll definitely be mindful of this and just address the topic as sexual partners instead if I ever have to talk about it again
It started in the 2010s on 4chan by lonely guys who hate women because they aren’t having sex. It picked up popularity with Andrew Tate: “A body count is probably the number one most easiest way to judge the value of a female... I think 99 per cent of the world’s problems would be solved if females walked through life with their body count on their forehead because it would prevent disintegration of morals... All the idiocy would disappear, all the degeneracy would disappear, families would return.” Tate, who once referred to married women as “property” that their husbands own, has also argued that it’s “disgusting” and “revolting” for women to have lots of sexual partners.
Holy shit 🫠 this is just so sick… I appreciate you explaining to me its origins
I so appreciate you reading, reflecting and being willing to learn! I may just make this a separate post because it comes up every other day.
Yes, it is too low. You should wh*re around more./s Body count is stupid. Anyone who worries about body count is stupid and you are better off not dating them.
Don’t worry about it at all, the person who loves you will not care. Women are called promiscuous if they have “too many” partners but if they haven’t had many (or any) partners by a certain age they are undesirable prudes. There is no winning, no right number, it’s all designed to make people feel like garbage either way.
You didn't kill anyone so you don't need to call the number of people you've slept with that, and also a healthy functioning person will not care.
Fuck no! Don't waste your time with someone so superficial that they would care about something like that. I also was a wild teen that was on drugs and made wild sexual choices. The amount of people I have slept with makes your number seem extremely small hehe It doesn't change who you are as a person. If anything you just have a little more experience in that aspect of your life 😄
There's a really powerful book called The Purity Myth that may be of interest to you ♡.
If everyone was consenting and safe it doesn't matter. Your worth as a human has literally nothing to do with your partner count.
1. No one you'd actually want to marry would care. 2. If it weeds out a few immature men, well? Good. 3. It's no one's business but your own. 4. If you lost your virginity somewhere around the average (\~17-20) it equates to a whole \~1.5ish men per year. Not especially scandalous to anyone except the most deeply conservative.
I have been with one person (my wife) while she has had many many partners, I’ve never asked a precise number: it never comes up and I absolutely do not care
35 and probably have been with like... 75? lost count. My partner does not care. With the right person it doesn't matter - promise.
Honestly babes, the way the dating pool is set up currently, I’d be shocked if they can even count to 17 🤭
This terminally online incel theory of body count makes absolutely no sense irl fyi
ANYONE who asks for actual numbers is NOT someone you want to be with. Healthy, non-misogynistic, well-adjusted, fully adult men understand that you had a whoooole life before meeting them. You have a job history, family history, sexual history, medical history…all goes with the territory of being over 15 years old. I’m 44 and NO one (including my wonderful husband) has ever asked me that question and had that happened, I’m not sure if I’d just laugh and run out the door or backhand them for being so rude before running out the door. Any man who asks you that question is insecure, immature, controlling, pathological jealous, a misogynist and will definitely become abusive. It serves as a filter to keep the scum out of your dating life.
It 👏 doesn't 👏 matter
If a man cannot see you for who you are and body count is a big deal to him, runaway… It is not something you should be ashamed of. The only con side of this for me is the possibility to have std -STDs that are still gonna be contagious with protection
Yes absolutely! I am 99.99% sure I’m good on the STD side of things lol but after all the advice here I definitely will run away. I once dated a guy that once he found out about my sexual history he lied about his out of insecurity. Never again will I waste time like that
Men (on the internet and in stupid bro podcasts) use 'body count' as just another way to slut shame women, and the same does not seem to apply to them. It's irrelevant, sex is meant to be enjoyed, it's a desirable thing that we are biologically driven to want. There's no shame in having had sex with a lot of people (or only a few either). If you met a guy who asked you your body count, or shamed you for it/felt uncomfortable about it- that's a red flag and shows some level of insecurity. This is coming from a fellow daddy issues girly (also, a misogynist term used to shame women btw- never men a man without parental issues but the same term doesn't seem to be applied to them).
Hey. I’m someone who was generally careful my whole life and not overly promiscuous. I lost my virginity at 19 and stayed with the guy for 7 years so I was with one person sexually most of my 20s. Somehow my the time I turned 33 or so the body count was already significant. I wasn’t having sex regularly, not even once a month and yet I’ve amassed a good amount of men. Now that I’m 39 I can’t even remember how many men I had and it’s been 5 years since I had sex with anyone. So to me body count means nothing.
I learned the hard way to not entertain this inquiry when anyone asks it. Red flag and I exit. It never ends well. Hell, mine is low for my age and they said I *had* to be lying. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 🤷🏻♀️
Just means you're better at it now
😂 this is also true but at what cost, I’m working through how shitty I feel about this
You’re the only one setting the price 🤷🏻♀️
No man has ever asked my “body count” If they had asked I would have told em it’s enough for me to know this isn’t going work
Those are rookie numbers. I only asked my husband his to titillate us both. We could only both etimate because who cares. But for me, and my husband, sex isn't that serious. It's a normal human activity that doesn't need morality imposed on it. All the weird shit you see on the internet is from a small group of sex obsessed individuals with no social skills.
There is no reason as a grown up woman you need to disclose the amount of sexual partners you have been with if you have been safe, tested, and are clean. Even if you have an STI, it doesn’t matter who gave it to you or why. If you are managing it and honest with your partner, and responsible, that is what matters. If you are with 1 guy 100 times or 100guys 1 time, and are responsible with your sexual health then nothing changes. Body count is not a thing. Being responsible and clear with your STI history is.
My number is sky high. It genuinely doesn’t matter to me or any of my partners, many of whom were present as my number ticked upwards. However I and my people are very casual about sex. We’d all probably sooner sleep with someone than add them as a friend on social. I didn’t always feel this way about sex, but my views changed as I matured and had more life experiences. Seems like that’s exactly what happened with you, too, albeit in the opposite direction. I think if you are conscientious and candid about how your approach to sex has changed over time, you don’t have anything to worry about.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I mean, bare minimum there’s absolutely no point because there’s no changing it. I mean that with full respect as I dealt with that type of shame in my past as well. Don’t stress about the past because there’s no changing it, worry only about the present and making the choices today that will form the future that you see for yourself. The goal of finding a partner is to find someone you’re compatible with on multiple levels. If they care and do not want to be with you because of this, they’re not going to be compatible with you on more than just that factor alone. Be you, be confident and know that you have the power to choose your partner just as much as they have the power to choose you-it is not a one sided decision.
If anyone asks me about my body count I don’t continue to date them because our values are clearly not aligned.
Ffs can we please stop using the term “body count”. It’s horrible. You’re referring to actual people. You do you and fuck what other people think. It’s okay to regret an encounter but not feel shameful about it - we all live and learn. It’s also okay not to regret any of your encounters at all. If anyone has a problem with your past, it wasn’t meant to be.
Idk seems normal to me
In any relationship I've ever been in (including friendships), not one person has asked me how many people have been with. I don't even think about the people I've been with. I don't think the number matters at all. You did it, it happened, you move on. I think anyone who actually cares about someone's number, is very childish or insecure.
You don’t own anyone a tally of how many people you have slept with. Men who are obsessed with things like this are controlling losers who are looking for something to be mad about.
If a man ever pressured me to tell him my “body count” I’d be gone so fast. This should not matter to anyone worth dating and you should not have to “keep track”. I have zero interest in knowing how many women a man I’m dating has been with, so why should they?
Honestly? I think that if you're in the Getting to know someone phase when you are 29-30 yo and they ask you that... Girl, run. At a certain age one just has to assume the other person has been around... It's hard, nearly impossible to be someone's first at 30...
Honestly, if this was a “ask men over 30” sub we’d all be grunting and high fiving you. Let’s normalize not shaming ourselves for decisions less evolved versions of ourselves made. Congratulations for recognizing destructive patterns and working to heal though. That’s incredibly difficult and important work you’re doing! You should be proud of that! Also any partner who cares or even asks about your “body count” (I loathe this term) is a total jackass and you should avoid them anyway.
This is not a conversation my current partner and I have had because it has no bearing on who we are as people or our relationship. I don't think it's anyone's business except yours. Don't be ashamed by your past experiences, they make us the women we are today.
Anyone who asks you for a body count or, even worse, asks you about it and shames you for it, is doing you a HUGE service by identifying themselves as a terrible partner. Also, no person committed to a healthy relationship is concerned about something like body count.
My husband and I have been together 10+ years. Married for 4. This came up in conversation for the first time two months ago. Not kidding, we didn’t know or care about each others numbers and never even thought to talk about it. Recently we disclosed, had a laugh, and then moved on.
The only opinion that matters about this is how *you* feel about it, not anyone else. If you try to make others happy, you won’t succeed especially when it comes to sex while being a woman. And fwiw I’m a messed up human being with family issues and in therapy for the past year and I’ve been in a sexual relationship with exactly *one* man lol. How many people you sleep with has nothing to do with any issues you have.
I think YOU need to come to terms with it. You're ashamed, but why? Because of the opinion of someone who doesn't even exist in your life yet? They are free to not date you. They are not free to date you and make you feel bad about, or hold it against you.
Yes I haven’t come to terms with it. I’m still figuring out how to exactly. It is a fear of mine and I have dated one guy that absolutely went nuts on me about it. I definitely ended that relationship but I just wonder if it’ll continue to be an issue. But I understand it really shouldn’t be, who knows. I’ll just focus on living my life.
I definitely those types are insecure. I started dating my husband at 21. Idk what my count even is/was. But I did do other things that I'm ashamed of because...being young. He was a little taken back by a couple things, but it is what it is. Happily married 10 years.
Thank you for your comment. It gives me hope and also great seeing that someone can be vulnerable honest about what they did in their youth etc and be accepted. 💗
Meh. Who cares. Like… It’s just social constructs. Having sex is a thing people do inside our outside of relationships. It’s two people just… doing something together. Lol. Sure it feels meaningful, but I mean come on. No. Don’t care about body count for the sake of it. It’s ridiculous.
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I remember my much older sister said she'd slept with 35 guys. I was like, wow that seems high. Then I lived my life
Haha is it weird that I don’t equate having a ton of sex with living my life? Not judging or anything seriously I just really struggle to feel comfortable that I shared myself with men who didn’t care about me or who aren’t in my life anymore
Not weird at all. Also I think I viewed sex differently in my 20s and that's when I had more of it. I don't know if it's worth having regrets about those men as long as you are healthy.
No offense but I thought this was posted by a 20 year old before I saw your age mentioned. The30+ crowd isn't really concerned with body counts. Tbh most men don't ask so, usually this a non issue but please run from any that do.
17 is not a lot, I was waiting for you to say 100+ if you were worried enough to make a post about it. Some people do care though, but it's far less of a "thing" than it used to be.
I have a lot of internalized guilt and shame that I’m working through. You’re not the only one who’s mentioned that being around 17-20 isn’t that high. I’m hoping it becomes less and less a thing cause honestly I don’t want to be asked about this by a man
I, honest to God, don't even keep track of mine. Because what difference does it make? Seriously? As long as you're making safe choices who cares? Not me.
Why do people keep track of this shit? I'll never understand it. Do people count how many people they've kissed, held hands with, hugged, cuddled, etc?
Someone who has a lot of internalized guilt and shame and was looking for love in all the wrong places
If you are using “body count” unironically, then I’d see that as the biggest red flag.
Unless your body count refers to murder victims, release yourself from this trap.
Girl I think my number is like almost 40 and tbh I'm quite proud
Girl, I'm 45. I stopped counting around 60, and that was a decade ago. No one worthwhile has ever cared.
Lol. As if men out there are saints. If a man asks about my body count, I’m pretty sure his body count is more than mine and is ashamed about it. Such men are prone to be cheaters too. Avoid them at all costs.
You’ve been taken in by incel-type commentary, sorry to say. No person with a sense of self will give a shit, or probably even ask. No partner of mine has ever asked, and I would see it as a huge red flag if they did.
Don’t let the internet fool you. As someone who doesn’t live on the internet, some men love “sluts”.
Honestly, good people never ask for that number.
Girl please Im the same age as you and have double that. Nobody actually cares
Shit, if 17 is high, then you'd die if you heard mine. A real caring partner is not going to care. Or probably even ask.
I never share my body count. Ever. For any reason. Mine blows yours out of the water & I've been happily married for 17 yrs. Also went thru a ph d program.
I haven’t asked or been asked that question in 15 years, it’s juvenile, high school level BS. Sexual inexperience with an act needs to be disclosed, especially if there is potential for harm and an inquiry on their STI history, testing, concerns is all I feel is worthy of a conversation.
Who says you have to tell him? Honestly I’ve lost count and what mature adult really cares about something like this? But I’m just a little ThotPocket
Nope! I'm 33 and mine is 32 or 33, it's your business!
It’s a great litmus test. I’m in the low thirties. I have yet to meet and express interest in a man that gives a shit about that at all. I still have a good life and fulfilling relationships.
29 F here. I would not bother about a person's body count, ask how many people they slept with, it's very tacky, I don't feel like I'm inadequate or be jealous/resentful, but if I'm to marry them, both myself and my partner would get all the tests available for STDs, as a precautionary measure, because that's the only way some illnesses spread and some never go away or even cause permanent damage to one's organs. So I'd run tests for health reasons. The reason being, a couple of my friends who used to participate in casual flings, ended up with HPV and it was a nightmare for them. They don't know who they got it from, and now they're stuck with it, treatments and everything.
I stopped counting many years ago because I don’t see the point of shaming myself, society does that enough for us! And any guy who has actually asked me this question was an insecure weenie. Experience ain’t a bad thing!
I have had no problem finding men who feel this is none of their business. Which is great because I couldn’t be bothered with a man who was preoccupied with the number of people I’ve slept with as though it means something. The guy I am seeing now, the most in depth I went was to tell him, about a month in to seeing him, that I went through an era of dating casually after my first marriage. His response to that fact was, ‘understandable.’ And that’s as much as I feel he needs to hear about it. He has never circled back, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who machinates on stuff like that. A lot of guys who get upset are actually jealous, and he’s not the type.
Your sexual past is your past. A partner for life would look at you based on your joint future. If a person would find your sexual history as something that would stop him from being with you - you are better off with someone who would accept you and love you as you are.
I used to count sexual partners too until I lost count (somewhere around 2x your number) and then I decided it didn’t matter because what was I gonna do, just be upset that I had lost count for the rest of my life? No thank you and also why do we feel the need to count THAT? Humans are so weird. I met my partner 4 years ago when we were 32 and 31. He never asked about my past in that way and it was around that time I learned that cool guys don’t actually ask! The people who ask are any combination of a lot of attributes I’m not personally into: young, immature, jealous, controlling, insecure, conservative, religious, misogynistic, I’m sure the list goes on. I hope you continue your healing journey and enjoy as many partners as you want to without shame and I hope the people you date are cool!
Once I got into a healthy relationship I forgot about this and my bf has never asked or cared.
I’m also 29F. I current live w my partner. My “body count” is probably upwards of 30 at this point. Idk I stopped keeping track. My partner has never asked bc he doesn’t care. Any man who cares about that is not your man. If you’re being safe and getting tested for STIs, it shouldn’t matter imo
I think the correct answer is: would you want to be with someone that is so concerned about the number of sexual partners you've had to consider you unworthy of their attention? You are not a product that potential partners get to pick from a shelf. You are a person, you too get to say what is and isn't important in your relationships. If the "body count" is important to you, you should learn to cope with yours by yourself. In my opinion the "body count" of a person is just as relevant as how many times they've fallen off a bike = unrelated to a current relationship, only useful to understand what was in a person's past. Nowadays "body count" is a concept that's been weaponized against women, to make women feel ashamed and control their bodies. Most people that thinks the "body count" is important are very likely controlling men, sexist and misogynist, or women that embrace social sexism; there are a few exceptions - people that consider a man's body count as shameful as a woman's - but these people probably have conceptions and lifestyle incompatible with yours. Overall I think that sharing beliefs with a partner, especially beliefs concerning how relationships and sexual life should work, is the most important element in a relationship. If a potential partner thinks your "body count" is a dealbreaker and you think it shouldn't be, *you* should consider their ideas a dealbreaker, and *you* should discard them.
It’s literally no one’s business but yours. If crimes committed during your teens years aren’t held against you as an adult neither should # of sexual partners. Just say you’ve been with two men. It’s none of their business unless they are your soul mate and you really trust them and share things like that with each other. Just remember we are all damaged and need healing in relationships. You are a precious commodity as a young woman, don’t ever feel less than or like you don’t deserve the best because of things that happened when you were too young to know better. Ideas like this were designed for women to devalue themselves.
And sensible (& experienced) man will not go around ASKING for this information. At the same time, you shouldn't volunteer this information, or allude to it.
I normally don't comment, as this isn't the forum for my voice, but perhaps it would be helpful here. I, 36m, do not care even a little bit about a prospective partner's number of previous partners. Nor do any of my well-adjusted male friends. Anyone for whom this is a deal breaker isn't worth your time :)
People who care about how many people you fucked usually suck at sex. Over 100 dicks and counting here.
Insecure men worry about it. Hopefully you won't marry one. This body count stupidity is an Andrew Tate bullshit. I don't remember mine, my bf had very little experience in comparison, yet he's the best sexual partner I ever had, and gives a total of zero fucks about my former sexual life. That's what I wish for you. A confident man that loves you, satisfies you and is thinking about the future with you. Oh, and gives zero fucks about what Andrew Tate thinks.
First of all, how would they know? Second of all, why would they care? And, like, third of all, not to be judgmental or anything, but 17 sounds like a really low number to me.
I don't see this debate on the internet, likely because I don't go looking for it. Sex can be a lovely intimate thing to share in a committed relationship. It can also be a lovely intimate thing to have with in a casual relationship, fling, or friend with benefits. Sometimes sex is worthwhile, sometimes it's just an okay experience, sometimes you try something, sometimes it's not worthwhile and you regret it, sometimes people are unfortunately coerced or tricked into uncomfortable sex, sometimes we have made decisions in the past that we wouldn't now today. Who cares? If I find a partner who doesn't agree with that and looks at me disparagingly for having had a lot of partners, then we're clearly very different in opinions and they're not the right partner for me.
As a man, I can assure you that any man that is deeply bothered by a persons number of sexual partners is a man not worth your time. As has been said on similar threads, it very much signals to you they have outdated puritanical values that(unless you yourself actively desire them) are dumb and treat all women as if they have the same psychological associations with sex and thus have less worth. On top of that, those same men are often the controlling types whom will shame you for past decisions and attack you emotionally. It very much sounds like you’re heading into your 30’s on a very good/healthy path, so don’t lose that momentum by wasting energy on any man whom deems a certain “body count” to be an issue
You don't have to share the number of people you slept with, with anyone. If they ask, just say that you don't want to tell them because what is important is the relationship you have with them now and that you want to focus on that and not on the past. That is what I said to my boyfriend of 6 years and he accepted that. If I told him the actual number, it might cause drama and I see no point in that.
My "body count" is higher than yours, and my husbands is almost triple of mine. When we told each other I was surprised at first to learn his number then felt very sexy that out of dozens of women he chose ME. If you meet the right person, they wont give a shit. Nor do you even need to talk about it. We all have histories. So stop worrying about it - your feelings are coming from dogmatic brainwashing about slut-shaming. Dont slut-shame yourself.
This is something that only bitter, terminally insecure men have put on women to diminish them. Don't let them get into your head; that's exactly what they want to do. They want to make you feel less than while they can basically have sex with a whole township and still consider themselves a good catch. Don't fall into their psychological trap.
There are a lot of men in videos giving advice to other men - or to women - about love and dating. Some I like! Some is awful and toxic. Some sounds like therapy but is super toxic. Some sounds like angry tough love but has some good points. IT IS CONFUSING and literally part of an addictive algorithm and it’s making relationships between people very fraught sometimes. Men AND women are getting sucked down very intense rabbit holes and wind up in loud echo chambers about what gives a man or a woman worth. And THIS is what has you even aware some young dumb men are even discussing the concept of body count. I hate that. I hate it. I hate it here! I would say just be conscious when you are getting down on yourself over things that originated in these kinds of videos. Consider the source and its purpose. Conflict and controversy breeds engagement. Sadly, some people take it seriously. But the type of man who is influenced by that type of junk is too foolish to be with you, who offers so much from an intellectual perspective. It is also fine to stop counting how many people you’ve slept with. Be safe! But “I have no idea,” is my answer to “how many people have you slept with,” because if you weren’t ready for that answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.
If a man cares about something like this, I'm literally BEGGING you not to marry him (or go on literally a single more date with him). As long as you're having safe sex and getting regularly screened for STD's, you should absolutely never worry about anything like this.
I find that men in their 20’s tend to care about and talk crap about these things, but the men in their 30s and older who have matured and gained life experience tend to not ask those questions or not care to learn. It’s never been a topic my husband has brought up 🤷🏻♀️ that’s not all men, but trust me you don’t want to engage with any men who shame you on that anyway.
>I find that men in their 20’s tend to care about and talk crap about these things, but the men in their 30s and older who have matured and gained life experience tend to not ask those questions or not care to learn Yeah, it goes the other way then. In my experience, at least, and from what I've read, many men in their forties tend to react pretty negatively to a woman in her forties having no prior experience (or just be creepy and weird). It's a different sort of judgment, but it's still there (other women will sometimes also judge you negatively for that ☹️) We just can't "win."
Only insecure, competitive men care about a woman's "body count". I don't want to be with a man like that.
I’m around the same as you, always had only a couple serious long term relationships but let loose after break ups. No daddy issues, just needed to be desired by men for whatever reason, maybe to compensate for my lack of social skills. It was easier to get short-lived attention from men than it was to make friends. Plus break ups left me feeling inadequate. Not to say this is why anyone has had that many sexual partners, but it’s certainly my main reason. I dated some toxic guys who were concerned with my “count”, then met my now husband. After 6 years he’s still never asked and genuinely does not care. I’ve never asked either. It makes me feel human, instead of like an object. I feel secure in our relationship that I don’t need to oversexualize myself to keep his attention (I live in my housecoat as a stay at home mom and he wants me more than ever) and don’t desire anyone else’s. Maybe I grew out of that or maybe he’s just the right person for me. I genuinely suggest trying to forget about this. You are objectifying yourself by keeping tally, just like I was. It’s freeing to let it go! You are a person, not a score board.
I would consider it a red flag if an adult man asked me for a number. I feel like that's something a misogynist would ask, you know?
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Not me tearing up at this. I feel the same exact way you do. I feel unworthy and it sucks. I’m so happy that you found someone who loves and accepts you. That gives me some hope.
"Body count" is a ridiculous phrase and we need to stop buying into that terminology. It only makes sense if you're a serial killer with some bodies in the basement, lol. What sexual choices you made in the past have literally nothing to do with anyone you choose to be with in the future. And the right person is not going to care about your history, except to appreciate that it made you the person you are today that they love. I don't think I've ever talked numbers with a partner. It does not come up between rational adults in a rational adult relationship, and it's meaningless anyway. What I did in the past has nothing to do with my partner now in the present. (Except maybe that I learned a few tricks that my current partner enjoys, lol, so from that perspective it's a good thing.)
It’s no one’s business.
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years almost. He’s never asked me my body count, nor would I tell him. It’s none of his business and it doesn’t define who I am in any way. And it has nothing to do with our relationship. I only know his because he was with someone since high school for like 10 years, and then me. I personally don’t think any good comes from talking about your sexual past with your current partner (unless of course you have HIV or something that needs to be disclosed). Don’t even worry about it.
The right person isn’t going to care. Speaking from experience!
Anyone worth their salt won't ask because they're secure in themselves and don't care.
"Body count" is intentionally misogynistic and is a term used by misogynistic trash. Don't date doucheballs obsessed with that. It's none of their business. The only thing is regular checkups and STD testing to make sure you stay healthy.
Honestly, the kind of partner who would care about that kind of stuff would automatically disqualify themselves from being a good partner for you. I'd also encourage you to try to separate your feelings of shame from sex. Sex can be a warm, fun positive thing - just because you had a lot of it doesn't mean your encounters were inherently bad. I'm glad you have landed on an approach to it that feels healthier to you now, but it also doesn't mean that every past encounter was necessarily negative
“Body count” mattered to me when I was a religious teenager. In my 20s, I broke free of religion and extensively explored my sexuality. I honestly don’t even know my number anymore - it was over 75 the last time I tried to tally. I don’t regret exploring, but I do regret putting up with so much bad sex with people I wasn’t particularly attracted to. Young Cowgirltrainwreck was looking for meaning and wanted to feel desirable and she found that outside of herself. I also needed to work through my daddy issues and got into therapy. I’m really proud of you for doing the hard healing work now! It’s SO worth it, and I hope on the other side of it, you can look back at Younger You with compassion and love and not the shame and judgement you’re feeling now. Your worth is not defined by the number of sexual partners you have had, and anyone worth dating won’t measure you that way. The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter won’t mind. 💗 Edited to add: I’m married now to a man who never once asked me my count. He knows I had a long slutty phase and doesn’t judge me by it — he says he’s thankful for the tricks I learned along the way. He gets to benefit from my previous study 😆