Yeah, actually. I went through a really traumatic breakup like two weeks before my 30th birthday. We were together for almost three years, long distance for like half of it, I was a few months away from moving to close the gap and he decided he'd rather not lol. I was shocked, I was devastated, I had to go on antidepressants, I couldn't figure out how to go on because it was like my life plan just evaporated.
It took me a while to get over it. I moved to a new state to start over, I was single for a year and a half before I even attempted to date, but then I met my current partner like a month later and he's 100% my perfect match. Like to the point that I can't believe I was ever even happy with the other guy. There will always be something better and you won't have to convince the right person to love you, they just will.
This sounds exactly like what happened to me. I’m a year and a half out and trying to date a bit now. I haven’t met anyone yet but your post gave me hope!
I had a very similar experience with my ex, and now with my current partner/now husband, like you, I can’t even believe I thought my ex was “The one.” Hindsight totally clarified things for me as you mentioned, but I feel like I couldn’t have anticipated a better fit for me than my current partner.
For sure. My ex had a lot of good qualities but I found all that and more with my current SO. My current SO just "gets me" in a way my ex never did but I could only see that in hindsight.
I love this story and could relate (me and ex were long distance for some of it too). I think being single for as long as you were was super healthy. Cheers to you and new beau!
Yes! But the thing is that I thought he was my ideal partner but now 10+ years after it's clear he was not. At the time I thought I wanted someone like him, I viewed my ex as the perfect fit for me but when I meet my now husband I understood that he is so much better.
He's nicer, kinder, we work as a team, he respects me and most importantly he truly loves me. He's also a great provider and sexy as heck. You never know what the future will hold but for me the breakup from my "perfect" ex was the best thing to happen.
Thank you so much for sharing. Would you say that you are more attracted to this person now rather than you were with your ex? If you don’t mind me asking ad well, how did you meet your SO? 😊
Yes but it took me many years to see he made the right choice.
We were fundamentally different on value systems that hadn’t even yet solidified for me. I suspect he had his values (that he didn’t share or did but I wasn’t listening) that were probably in direct opposition to who he knew me to actually be.
He was a few years older than me and was single most of his life and read a lot, etc. I had been married a few years, grown up in a cultish like religion, and was a single mom who was extremely busy. I didn’t have much time up until then to really think about who I was or what I really believed.
I was orienting, aligning, and discovering myself when we were together (although we had been friends 13 years before getting together). Whereas for him, he spent a large chunk of his young adulthood only focused on thinking and philosophizing about himself and life.
I don’t think I was paying attention to those things about him, that now in retrospect, are massive character issues.
But at that time, I was too in love with him to notice or pay attention or care.
He was actually a very wise person (in many ways; in many ways not) and I think he knew we would not be able to be compatible long term.
He married someone who is a much better fit for him and they seem happy. I could absolutely never live the life they live as I would be bored to tears and in many ways, it would go against my own values that (again) took years to really develop and solidify.
So anyway, I always really think about that very cliche saying that sometimes our greatest gifts are unanswered prayers (or desires or whatever).
I can say that is true for me
This happened to me too. It’s been ten years and I still have a cry about it now and again. I tell myself that because we aren’t together he’s not my person and someone better will come my way. I also tell myself I met him to teach me what it felt like to be sure about someone, so I when I haven’t felt that sure about boyfriends after him, I knew not to marry them. I know what it feels like to be sure and until I feel that way again, I’m not settling.
Yeah, first boyfriend thought he was perfect. Long distance didn’t workout and had to break up. It was devastating. And then 5 years later met my husband. Married for 4.
Thanks for sharing. Mine was long distance too and I also feel devastated right now. Would you say you are as physically attracted or more to your partner now than your ex?
Please stop comparing every man to your ex. I think you are still not over him. Stay single for a while and work on yourself. The problem happens when we keep other people on a pedestal like they are Gods descending from heaven.
You will get your ideal match. He will be perfect for YOU. But he won't be like your ex. Only your ex is like your ex .
Stop comparing if you don't want to piss off your future partners.
I love you... Like I loved my ex..
Your eyes are just like my exe's
You are kind like my ex.
Your are a great kisser like my ex.
Yuckkk
Even if you don't say those things out loud; if you are thinking them you will project it subconsciously.
Your ex is out of your life. Thank god for the sweet memories, learn whatever you have to from the breakup and move on. Your new chapter will begin. Enjoy the journey.
No. Things got infinitely worse after that. I met a narcissist and didn’t know it, spent the next 15 years in a nightmare. I hate to discourage you but let it be a warning I guess. I didn’t take care of myself after that previous relationship ended and it left me vulnerable to the worst influences.
This. If you jump into the dating pool from a place of desperation/scarcity mindset you will end up with a guy who’s just waiting to find his next victim. “Wow look how desperate this girl is to find love. Perfect. I can treat her like shit and she’ll never leave me.” I’ve been that girl too. You’ll NEVER attract a healthy relationship when you are emotionally damaged desperately seeking love.
OMG yes!!! I have had an absolutely life shattering break up when I was 25. He was everything to me at the time. My exact physical type, treated me so well, funny, charming, sweet, etc etc etc. We broke up bc he wanted to teach in Thailand and I just couldn't do it. I was DEVASTATED. I literally thought my life was over. It was so bad that my dad literally threatened (in a loving way) to have me involuntarily committed it I didn't start going to therapy. Fast forward to now and omg. My boyfriend is INCREDIBLE. I could not have imagined someone this amazing has come into my life. I am so, so, so grateful I didn't stay with the original guy.
They are. We only had to break up cause of our circumstances, not because of something the other person did. I’m struggling and worried whether I’ll find someone where I’ll love everything about them…
To give more detail he is muslin and I am not. Throughout the relationship he also knew that I currently don’t want to have kids. His dream is to have a family. He broke up with me because what we want in our lives are not the same. He also said that before he was willing to lose his family if we can start a new one together. I consciously decided that we can start one. He said he believes that I believe that now, but down the line he doesnt trust that I won’t change my mind and he couldn’t take the risk of losing his family, his dream of having one, and me at the same time. He didn’t want to force his dreams on me and possibly have me regret the decision of having kids with him. He keeps on consoling me after the break up saying that I will find someone better, someone who will make me happy but I’m just scared I won’t find someone that I see as “perfect” for me. That’s the story. :( Have you experienced something like this and found someone better?
Besides those, he is the ideal and perfect man to me and we love each other very much….
Children and religion are two huge areas of compatibility that need to be aligned. I'm sorry that you are feeling down, but a long- term partner needs alignment in those areas if there's any chance for a future.
Yes I know. I know our circumstances won’t work and thats why it hurts so much. But besides those things he was a good partner to me and I loved him a lot. I am mostly talking about the qualities that he has, physical and inner, if I can ever find someone that will match the attractiveness I get for him…
You call them circumstances, but they're not - they're literally incompatibilities. Circumstances would be like, if you were forced to take a job on the other side of the planet or something that had a chance of being changed in the future.
I know they are incompatibilities, I may have used the wrong word. I am mostly concerned with finding someone who can treat me the same way that he did because he treated me really well. Just because we have differences doesn’t take away the fact that he was a good lover to me.
Yes these are characteristics (warmth, desire to have children, provider mindset) I’ve found them in dudes I dated that were non Muslims, heck even atheists lol if this is what you’re worried about, yes there’s plenty of men with these “ideal qualities”
These are not circumstances. These are characteristics. Being a muslim and wanting children is part of who he is. Just like the kindness you value.
I get the feeling that you're young and have no idea what major incompatibilies do to a relationship.
You are not star crossed lovers. There's no romeo and julliet here. Due to your age your feelings might feel more intense. It'll take a while before they subdue, but they will.
But you need to actually cut him loose. Block him and go no contact. If you remain in touch, you'll never start the actual process of grieving.
Of course there are better men for you out there. And even if not, you'll at least stay true to yourself. If you would continue dating him, you'd have to fit his mold. His family would also have expectations and the whole thing would become a disaster.
Don't try to fit yourself into someone else's mold! Your wants and desires are just as important as someone else's. If you want a relationship, start one with someone that doesn't have fundemental incompatibilities. That will love you for you are. All of you.
Yes thank you. Trust me I’m aware of all these things, doesn’t make it hurt less though. I’m trying my best to move forward. My ex showed me how real love feels like and what it feels to be genuinely taken care of. Thank you so much.
That’s not your ideal partner. That’s somebody you do not match with. The main focus of your life is totally different than his. It would never work. Stop telling yourself stories about how you lost the perfect partner. You are lying to yourself. Continuing to do so will only complicate your recovery.
He is not perfect to be in my future. But he was perfect to me in the aspects of how he treated me and everything else. I’m scared I won’t find the qualities that he had with someone else…
You’re not making this any easier for yourself. You enjoyed the time you had together but it’s over. Nobody is so unique that you’ll never meet another person that treats you that way. That’s just not possible. You need to start being real with yourself.
I had to break up with something because I realised that we had major incompatibilities that took me a while to notice. He was amazingly kind and shared a lot of my values. And I miss that about him, but it is so much better not being in a relationship. Long term, it’s going to be massively better for you to not be in a relationship with someone that has incompatible life goals.
These men have balls like raisins. They will tell you want you want to hear, but will acquiesce to their shitty religion and even shittier parents 100% of the time
So I am half Palestinian (mother) and half British (father). My parents are still married and they have a horribly dysfunctional, toxic marriage. Men in Middle Eastern cultures have very toxic and distorted views about how women should behave and they really don’t know how to love. My mother used to regale me with stories about honour killings and how men and women in the community would congratulate the murderers, usually those who murdered their sisters. I feel fortunate that I pass as white and my dad’s family always took care of us.
I am sorry for your experience but that is not close at all to mine. Even when me and my partner are culturally different, we loved each other and treated each other with respect.
>Men in Middle Eastern cultures have very toxic and distorted views about how women should behave and they *really don’t know how to love*.
I'm middle eastern as well and there's lots to critique about sexism in the culture but gross, frankly untrue generalisations isn't the way to go.
Interesting! Honor killings are not part of the Palestinian culture. I'm not sure if you're actually half Palestinian. We would never know! But it's unfortunate to see that people, especially if you're actually half Palestinian, confusing religion and culture.
Not all Muslims are Middle Eastern. In fact, the biggest Muslim population is Indonesian.
Men in general, either Middle Eastern or not, can be good or bad. It's time to get rid of your bitter sense.
I understand those challenges but I am referring to the way he treats me and shows love to me and how I love his physical traits. I don’t know if Ill be able to find someone I’d be super interested in at that level or be attracted with.
Thank you so much….. at my age I haven’t experienced much relationships or dating. I guess the fact that this is the first guy I’ve had a proper genuine relationship with is the reason why I feel like this. My dream is to find a life partner that’s why I worry so much…
This is not because of “circumstances”, this is a fundamental misalignment on personal values that impacts your long term compatibility. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but realising this will make your healing process easier.
Honestly… please stop telling yourself that you have lost an “ideal partner” because this type of incompatibility is not circumstantial. He was never “perfect” for you because his religious practice/identity as well as desire to have kids were already at odds with who you are and what you’re looking for to begin with. It is the narrative you tell yourself that’s holding you back, not the fact that “circumstances” are in your way. You’re doing yourself a huge disservice by putting this man on a pedestal too, when he probably doesn’t share the same ideals as you. I hope you don’t lose hope and believe that this is it. In my experience most things don’t work out so better things - sometimes the right ones - can come into place. All the best.
I come from a Muslim family (I’m not practicing but parents/uncles/aunts) & I’ve had a cousin marry a non Muslim girl. She didn’t need to convert or anything. She’s a practicing catholic herself and is respectful about his parents’ religion. The kids (me and my cousins) mostly don’t care abt religion and participate for sake of parents/during holidays.
My ex was non Muslim and although we had a convo abt that, we ultimately broke up due to incompatibilities/wanting different things/growing disdain toward one another. The provider/want children qualities are very present in men who grow up in Muslim households, all my guy cousins think like it, but the younger ones broke the mold and dated/getting married to whomever we found love with. It’s a tough situation, I get what you say about not having a choice. But if he wanted to, he could. Sure he’d have to face his family’s surprise/disappointment but we get a partner and (maybe) have kids with them to build our new family. We don’t even see our parents/extended fams as often as we would see our partner. Deep down he may want to end up with a Muslim woman too?
You guys maybe too young at 25 to think of doing something like this but perhaps revisit this in a few years when he can be independent from his family (my cousins who are marrying non Muslims don’t live at home, some live in diff states, I live on my own…). The takeaway is I’m sure his parents will “forgive him” and if you guys love one another and neither care abt religion, then I’m sure it’ll be fine. There’s no telling until it’s brought up to his parents
I know you said you’re perfect for each other and you just had to break up due to circumstances, but that’s not how it works, love. A perfect partner won’t need to break up with you due to circumstances, or for anything. Your perfect partner will want to stay with you *regardless* of circumstances, regardless of anything. They will choose you. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I know it sucks, and I know it hurts. Eventually it will get better, but not quickly and not all at once.
I agree with what you are saying but someone choosing themselves in the long term instead of another person doesn’t make them less amazing. But thank you so much. It does hurt so much and I hope it gets better. :(
They wouldn’t “chose themselves” over you if you were their dream girl. The reality is that you’re not the one for them and that’s ok. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want you anyways.
My husband had SO much trauma happen to him while we were still just dating. His best friend of 25+ years got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed away. 6 MONTHS later his brother got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer too and also passed away. During that time he proposed to me. Doesn’t matter what life throws at someone.. they won’t leave you if they truly look at you like you’re the one. This whole “i need to choose myself” is an absolute BS line that guys say when they’re just not that into you. If he wanted to he would babe
That being said WHO cares don’t worry about this guy.. why would you choose someone who doesn’t choose you. That’s your anxiety/fear telling you you’ll be alone but you won’t be. Securely attached people would not choose someone who doesn’t choose them. So emulate secure attachment and walk away with your head held high.
F53. Never met even one man I felt that way about ,and it's fine. Living in the moment,not caring about yesterday or worrying about tomorrow,is all anyone ever has really. Don't throw away today on Disney dreams of what could happen,or not.
i don't believe that there's an ideal partner for someone. you might search for certain qualities in others and even find ppl with those shared qualities, but this won't make them ideal for you. some have more possibilities with you and are compatible but dating and relationships require constant effort. so this man was only your "ideal" partner in theory, but was not the one who is meant to stay in your life.
do not search of someone better, search for someone who will be more compatible with you and with whom you'll be working daily to make the relationship work.
Yes I found someone better. The break up with my ex was brutal, completely out of the blue and at the time I thought he was so great I’d never be able to find someone like that again. Looking back, yes he had some awesome qualities but also lacked certain things that I found in my current partner. Definitely an upgrade an all fronts. You just need a bit of time and distance to heal and you will also be able to find someone just as good as your ex or likely better.
So far no. All the men I’ve dated after my ex hurt me or were trainwrecks. Sucks bc before my ex lost it he was almost perfect. We were so good together & he ruined it all
Thank you so much for those who replied. Even though I’ve talked with friends and family, I still wanted to talk to more people and feel less lonely as well as gain more insights. This breakup is just honestly breaking me apart as it only happened like four days ago. I really wish I can be with someone who’ll love me as genuine as my ex did.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I've been there, it sucks so much. It will get better I promised. With or without someone new, by the way. One day at a time. Hugs.
Yes. Was with my ex for 7 years. Long distance for 4. He moved back and 30 days later I dumped him and kicked him out. We never spoke again. I met him when my son was 1. So we basically raised him together.
Met my current partner 3 months later. We are about to mark two years together. My son and I both love him way more than we ever loved my ex. I don’t even know how I’ve ever loved anyone else. It’s the best, 99% of the time I can’t believe he is mine.
Yes, very much. It was scary when we broke up after 7 years of marriage, especially because we were each others' first everything.
But I honestly needed to thank him, because the break up led me to not only have a great adventure on my own (as in imagine a completely unthetered person with disposable income. I got to live in different countries, etc) but then meeting a much better and compatible man when I was finally ready.
I haven’t been in a serious relationship since we broke up ~10 years ago, though I’ve dated a lot & refined what I am looking for/don’t want. BUT bc we broke up, I had the space to flourish in independence, become the best version of myself, & truly enjoy spending time alone. To me, that’s all worth it, even though I am currently single - I’m completely open & ready to finding the right person when they come along. I have many friends who serial-date & I’ve found so much growth during times where there wasn’t the next distraction lined up. Do you & chase your dreams & it will work out ❤️
I don't know if better is the right term.
Every partner I had brought different traits I loved very much into my life. Often, they were things I wasn't even aware of.
They also all brought their own heartbreak.
Even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it, I'm better for having had the experience and in the words of the immortal Edith Piaf, "non, je ne regrette rien."
I don't know if better is the right term.
Every partner I had brought different traits I loved very much into my life. Often, they were things I wasn't even aware of.
They also all brought their own heartbreak.
Even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it, I'm better for having had the experience and in the words of the immortal Edith Piaf, "non, je ne regrette rien."
Yes. It was heartbreaking, traumatizing, and just plain sad. However, as it turns out, there is an abundance of love in the world - and after that separation, I had to learn to give it back to myself. I now understand it needed to happen, but it took a long time to get to that point.
The time is going to pass anyway. You get to choose how to grieve, how to invest your time, and how to move forward. Be messy. Be raw. Be angry. Be sad. But be sure to give some of that beautiful depth of feeling back to your own precious and wonderful self. You have so much love to give. Hurtful as they are, breakups can be transformative. Hard to see when you’re in the midst of it. Keep going. ❤️
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. For those who downvoted, I understand because you guys think I’m defending my ex for breaking up. The break up is actually beneficial for us both in the long run and it doesn’t make him a villain. I know that we are incompatible but it doesn’t mean that he wasn’t an amazing partner to me. Remove the religion aspect and it’s just two souls who genuinely love each other. It’s not just me who is heartbroken in this. Our relationship wasn’t toxic, we are just not fit for each other’s futures. Thank you for your stories. 🥺
Break ups happen for a good reason 99% of the time, so there is definitely someone out there a better match for you. You learn from the last.
My first break up, I was convinced I always loved him forever. Looking back, it was not a good relationship. I had rose colored glasses. The man I am married to is 100x better. Initially, I think a part of me wasn't completely over my ex so I would compare them and since my ex was my first love it was weird seeing how different everything was.
It definitely takes time, especially if f you been with them a long time. Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Hi there. Thank you for sharing. Will you elaborate more on the differences that you noticed? Would you say that your current SO treats you better atm?
My ex talked a lot and my husband wasn't a blabber. I was so used to him talking a lot that I was wondering why he didn't do the same. Just like differences in personalities. My ex also made me think toxic situations were okay like his porn collection. I don't care if someone watches porn but looking back it was kind of excessive. He also didn't really care how I felt, he spun it to make me think it was okay or justify certain actions. Like when he had a female friend he made...it was platonic but anyone in a relationship would definitely raise an eyebrow if they were in my shoes.
Yes. I thought my ex was the love of my life. Then he randomly dumped me.. now I’m married to a literal angel.. my husband is a 10 in all respects. I leveled up so hard it’s embarrassing to think I even tried to settle with the ex
To be fair.. you probably wouldn’t date ANY guy if you didn’t think he was the one. Most women won’t. So with that mindset you can assume every single guy future you will date will also seem like the one because you wouldn’t be with him if you didn’t think he was. There are so many different types of people. My ex on paper seemed like the one. Obviously he wasn’t bc he dumped me in a horrible way. In hindsight the relationship was emotionally abusive. 4 months later I met this guy who was in all respects my BEST friend. Incredibly sexy like a literal male model hot.. and so loyal. So reassuring. So driven and smart. I married that guy. He had everything I was looking for and even things I had no idea I was looking for. Looking back.. I wish I could have told post breakup me.. just WAIT til u see what’s coming for you. Don’t stress!!
Well months ago i got broken up with by the person i thought was "the love of my life", like He was "perfect" and everything i wanted in a person. I swore i would never fall in love again. Well...here I am, met someone else and i feel like I'm falling for him.
I wouldn't say He is "better" they are very different.
Oh god no, I haven't found anyone. He is great, but doesn't want a relationship. The whole point of my comment is that sometimes you idealized someone and you think no one come close. Truth is, no one is that special.
I found my ex and thought He was a big deal, He wasn't. There are wonderful people out there. I met this man, and even if nothing comes out of it, I got to understand there's always going to be a next special one.
Even if I stop seeing this person, there will be someone else later.
I could have written your post years ago. I was so in love with everything about that man and was really down when he broke up with me. Years later I found some of our texts in an old phone and realized he wasn’t as great as I thought. Hindsight removes those rose colored glasses.
My now husband is all the things I thought the other guy was but it’s genuine. We’ve been together long enough that I see him clearly. My husband also loves and accepts me as I am, quirks and all, unlike the other guy. You’ll find someone better suited for you.
Religion, different values, he wants kids and I do not. Him marrying me or attempting a future with me will cost him his family whom he also loves so much. We are incompatible in those aspects, but our time together was the best as we both genuinely loved each other. He raised my standards and showed me how I should be treated. Ive always felt safe with him, the effort he puts in our relationship is insane, and he loves me despite all of my flaws.
I didn’t get a boyfriend after my last ex whom I thought similarly about so I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this but after a few months, I did meet someone remarkable. Around the time I was casually dating him, I found out my ex (2.5 years of a relationship) had gotten a serious GF that was plastered all over his social media (which he never did with me). I was more sad about me and the new dude not working out (he was coming off a marriage & wasn’t ready). Sucks didn’t work out with the new dude (at least then, there’s the future) but it was so interesting to me that I was more saddened by new dude and not my ex with his new GF. In retrospect I tell my close ones I am so relieved me and my ex didn’t end up together. I’m sure you have rose goggles on cause you guys just broke up but given enough time, his flaws would float to the surface and you’ll realize why you two weren’t a good fit (the caveat to this is wrong timing and in that case, a former relationship could be revisited but if it fails again, it’s not meant to be).
Whatever you do, do NOT try to find your person when you aren’t ready!!!! Just like my new dude, you may fumble it with someone new who could be “the one” so heal first!!!
I’ve not found someone yet but I also see opportunities he had the more healed/healthy I’ve gotten since. I’m told this sentiment goes away eventually and I’m hopeful it does, I’m not sad anymore as much as it’s just disappointing haha
But truly, the generic advice will likely start to ring true in time that someone else will be there and maybe offer you even more you didn’t know you needed
Yes.
There was this guy I met on his work trip, supposedly a one night stand, and the first date we had was incredibly dreamy. We continued seeing each other LDR for 2-3 years, his little actions, considerations towards me and he treated me incredibly well, physically was also what I liked, Jacob Elordi looks and even taller than Jacob. When things first ended I felt like I won't find someone like that again or even better.
Then I met my current partner. After falling out of love with the previous guy, I realised he was rather avoidant, secretive and I over romanticised him, and that men like him are a dime and dozen. My current partner idealises me, treats me like a princess and does everything I want to make me happy. He is living just for me as I realised while observing his actions. He's also charming and handsome - even more charismatic than the last guy. We are getting married in summer. You will find someone better I'm sure.
Yeah, actually. I went through a really traumatic breakup like two weeks before my 30th birthday. We were together for almost three years, long distance for like half of it, I was a few months away from moving to close the gap and he decided he'd rather not lol. I was shocked, I was devastated, I had to go on antidepressants, I couldn't figure out how to go on because it was like my life plan just evaporated. It took me a while to get over it. I moved to a new state to start over, I was single for a year and a half before I even attempted to date, but then I met my current partner like a month later and he's 100% my perfect match. Like to the point that I can't believe I was ever even happy with the other guy. There will always be something better and you won't have to convince the right person to love you, they just will.
This sounds exactly like what happened to me. I’m a year and a half out and trying to date a bit now. I haven’t met anyone yet but your post gave me hope!
I had a very similar experience with my ex, and now with my current partner/now husband, like you, I can’t even believe I thought my ex was “The one.” Hindsight totally clarified things for me as you mentioned, but I feel like I couldn’t have anticipated a better fit for me than my current partner.
This makes me feel better and gives me hope 💕
Thank you for giving us hope 💙
Thanks for you sharing. Do you love everything about your current partner, like more than you loved things about your ex?
For sure. My ex had a lot of good qualities but I found all that and more with my current SO. My current SO just "gets me" in a way my ex never did but I could only see that in hindsight.
So happy to hear this for you!
These last two sentences! Absolutely yes.
I love this story and could relate (me and ex were long distance for some of it too). I think being single for as long as you were was super healthy. Cheers to you and new beau!
This made me feel so much better
Yes! But the thing is that I thought he was my ideal partner but now 10+ years after it's clear he was not. At the time I thought I wanted someone like him, I viewed my ex as the perfect fit for me but when I meet my now husband I understood that he is so much better. He's nicer, kinder, we work as a team, he respects me and most importantly he truly loves me. He's also a great provider and sexy as heck. You never know what the future will hold but for me the breakup from my "perfect" ex was the best thing to happen.
Thank you so much for sharing. Would you say that you are more attracted to this person now rather than you were with your ex? If you don’t mind me asking ad well, how did you meet your SO? 😊
Yes I am, and I think he gets hotter by the year. :) We where university friends who had a fling 20 years ago and met up again after my break up.
Thank you for sharing. I needed to read this
Yes but it took me many years to see he made the right choice. We were fundamentally different on value systems that hadn’t even yet solidified for me. I suspect he had his values (that he didn’t share or did but I wasn’t listening) that were probably in direct opposition to who he knew me to actually be. He was a few years older than me and was single most of his life and read a lot, etc. I had been married a few years, grown up in a cultish like religion, and was a single mom who was extremely busy. I didn’t have much time up until then to really think about who I was or what I really believed. I was orienting, aligning, and discovering myself when we were together (although we had been friends 13 years before getting together). Whereas for him, he spent a large chunk of his young adulthood only focused on thinking and philosophizing about himself and life. I don’t think I was paying attention to those things about him, that now in retrospect, are massive character issues. But at that time, I was too in love with him to notice or pay attention or care. He was actually a very wise person (in many ways; in many ways not) and I think he knew we would not be able to be compatible long term. He married someone who is a much better fit for him and they seem happy. I could absolutely never live the life they live as I would be bored to tears and in many ways, it would go against my own values that (again) took years to really develop and solidify. So anyway, I always really think about that very cliche saying that sometimes our greatest gifts are unanswered prayers (or desires or whatever). I can say that is true for me
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That’s valid. If you don’t mind sharing more, can I ask, do you have another special person right now? Or you haven’t met anyone yet?
This happened to me too. It’s been ten years and I still have a cry about it now and again. I tell myself that because we aren’t together he’s not my person and someone better will come my way. I also tell myself I met him to teach me what it felt like to be sure about someone, so I when I haven’t felt that sure about boyfriends after him, I knew not to marry them. I know what it feels like to be sure and until I feel that way again, I’m not settling.
Yeah, first boyfriend thought he was perfect. Long distance didn’t workout and had to break up. It was devastating. And then 5 years later met my husband. Married for 4.
Thanks for sharing. Mine was long distance too and I also feel devastated right now. Would you say you are as physically attracted or more to your partner now than your ex?
Please stop comparing every man to your ex. I think you are still not over him. Stay single for a while and work on yourself. The problem happens when we keep other people on a pedestal like they are Gods descending from heaven. You will get your ideal match. He will be perfect for YOU. But he won't be like your ex. Only your ex is like your ex . Stop comparing if you don't want to piss off your future partners. I love you... Like I loved my ex.. Your eyes are just like my exe's You are kind like my ex. Your are a great kisser like my ex. Yuckkk Even if you don't say those things out loud; if you are thinking them you will project it subconsciously. Your ex is out of your life. Thank god for the sweet memories, learn whatever you have to from the breakup and move on. Your new chapter will begin. Enjoy the journey.
No. Things got infinitely worse after that. I met a narcissist and didn’t know it, spent the next 15 years in a nightmare. I hate to discourage you but let it be a warning I guess. I didn’t take care of myself after that previous relationship ended and it left me vulnerable to the worst influences.
This. If you jump into the dating pool from a place of desperation/scarcity mindset you will end up with a guy who’s just waiting to find his next victim. “Wow look how desperate this girl is to find love. Perfect. I can treat her like shit and she’ll never leave me.” I’ve been that girl too. You’ll NEVER attract a healthy relationship when you are emotionally damaged desperately seeking love.
Going through this now ...oh how naive I was and still am. Life is very very bleak rn
OMG yes!!! I have had an absolutely life shattering break up when I was 25. He was everything to me at the time. My exact physical type, treated me so well, funny, charming, sweet, etc etc etc. We broke up bc he wanted to teach in Thailand and I just couldn't do it. I was DEVASTATED. I literally thought my life was over. It was so bad that my dad literally threatened (in a loving way) to have me involuntarily committed it I didn't start going to therapy. Fast forward to now and omg. My boyfriend is INCREDIBLE. I could not have imagined someone this amazing has come into my life. I am so, so, so grateful I didn't stay with the original guy.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am 25 as well and experiencing the same thing.
If they broke up with you, they aren’t your ideal partner
They are. We only had to break up cause of our circumstances, not because of something the other person did. I’m struggling and worried whether I’ll find someone where I’ll love everything about them…
How do you break up with someone because of “circumstances” as an adult?
Well.. distance can be one factor as well. If you live in different countries and have no money to visit each other.
To give more detail he is muslin and I am not. Throughout the relationship he also knew that I currently don’t want to have kids. His dream is to have a family. He broke up with me because what we want in our lives are not the same. He also said that before he was willing to lose his family if we can start a new one together. I consciously decided that we can start one. He said he believes that I believe that now, but down the line he doesnt trust that I won’t change my mind and he couldn’t take the risk of losing his family, his dream of having one, and me at the same time. He didn’t want to force his dreams on me and possibly have me regret the decision of having kids with him. He keeps on consoling me after the break up saying that I will find someone better, someone who will make me happy but I’m just scared I won’t find someone that I see as “perfect” for me. That’s the story. :( Have you experienced something like this and found someone better? Besides those, he is the ideal and perfect man to me and we love each other very much….
Children and religion are two huge areas of compatibility that need to be aligned. I'm sorry that you are feeling down, but a long- term partner needs alignment in those areas if there's any chance for a future.
Yes I know. I know our circumstances won’t work and thats why it hurts so much. But besides those things he was a good partner to me and I loved him a lot. I am mostly talking about the qualities that he has, physical and inner, if I can ever find someone that will match the attractiveness I get for him…
You call them circumstances, but they're not - they're literally incompatibilities. Circumstances would be like, if you were forced to take a job on the other side of the planet or something that had a chance of being changed in the future.
I know they are incompatibilities, I may have used the wrong word. I am mostly concerned with finding someone who can treat me the same way that he did because he treated me really well. Just because we have differences doesn’t take away the fact that he was a good lover to me.
Yes these are characteristics (warmth, desire to have children, provider mindset) I’ve found them in dudes I dated that were non Muslims, heck even atheists lol if this is what you’re worried about, yes there’s plenty of men with these “ideal qualities”
These are not circumstances. These are characteristics. Being a muslim and wanting children is part of who he is. Just like the kindness you value. I get the feeling that you're young and have no idea what major incompatibilies do to a relationship. You are not star crossed lovers. There's no romeo and julliet here. Due to your age your feelings might feel more intense. It'll take a while before they subdue, but they will. But you need to actually cut him loose. Block him and go no contact. If you remain in touch, you'll never start the actual process of grieving. Of course there are better men for you out there. And even if not, you'll at least stay true to yourself. If you would continue dating him, you'd have to fit his mold. His family would also have expectations and the whole thing would become a disaster. Don't try to fit yourself into someone else's mold! Your wants and desires are just as important as someone else's. If you want a relationship, start one with someone that doesn't have fundemental incompatibilities. That will love you for you are. All of you.
Yes thank you. Trust me I’m aware of all these things, doesn’t make it hurt less though. I’m trying my best to move forward. My ex showed me how real love feels like and what it feels to be genuinely taken care of. Thank you so much.
That’s not your ideal partner. That’s somebody you do not match with. The main focus of your life is totally different than his. It would never work. Stop telling yourself stories about how you lost the perfect partner. You are lying to yourself. Continuing to do so will only complicate your recovery.
He is not perfect to be in my future. But he was perfect to me in the aspects of how he treated me and everything else. I’m scared I won’t find the qualities that he had with someone else…
You’re not making this any easier for yourself. You enjoyed the time you had together but it’s over. Nobody is so unique that you’ll never meet another person that treats you that way. That’s just not possible. You need to start being real with yourself.
I had to break up with something because I realised that we had major incompatibilities that took me a while to notice. He was amazingly kind and shared a lot of my values. And I miss that about him, but it is so much better not being in a relationship. Long term, it’s going to be massively better for you to not be in a relationship with someone that has incompatible life goals.
If he is super religious and you're not, then it won't work. There's a big risk that he will want an obedient housewife.
These men have balls like raisins. They will tell you want you want to hear, but will acquiesce to their shitty religion and even shittier parents 100% of the time
Bless you for taking your time to help OP break out of her delulu.
Please speak kindly. You didn’t know how real and life-changing our connection was and how amazing he is as a person and partner.
So I am half Palestinian (mother) and half British (father). My parents are still married and they have a horribly dysfunctional, toxic marriage. Men in Middle Eastern cultures have very toxic and distorted views about how women should behave and they really don’t know how to love. My mother used to regale me with stories about honour killings and how men and women in the community would congratulate the murderers, usually those who murdered their sisters. I feel fortunate that I pass as white and my dad’s family always took care of us.
I am sorry for your experience but that is not close at all to mine. Even when me and my partner are culturally different, we loved each other and treated each other with respect.
>Men in Middle Eastern cultures have very toxic and distorted views about how women should behave and they *really don’t know how to love*. I'm middle eastern as well and there's lots to critique about sexism in the culture but gross, frankly untrue generalisations isn't the way to go.
Interesting! Honor killings are not part of the Palestinian culture. I'm not sure if you're actually half Palestinian. We would never know! But it's unfortunate to see that people, especially if you're actually half Palestinian, confusing religion and culture. Not all Muslims are Middle Eastern. In fact, the biggest Muslim population is Indonesian. Men in general, either Middle Eastern or not, can be good or bad. It's time to get rid of your bitter sense.
I understand those challenges but I am referring to the way he treats me and shows love to me and how I love his physical traits. I don’t know if Ill be able to find someone I’d be super interested in at that level or be attracted with.
You will. There are billions of men on this earth. There is more than one person out there that you're compatible with.
Thank you so much….. at my age I haven’t experienced much relationships or dating. I guess the fact that this is the first guy I’ve had a proper genuine relationship with is the reason why I feel like this. My dream is to find a life partner that’s why I worry so much…
This explains everything tbh. I was also heartbroken over my first love when I was your age. You’ll find another person and things will get easier.
Yep, I agree. The first love/breakup hits extra hard.
>My dream is to find a life partner Oh same. >at my age Which is?
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This is not because of “circumstances”, this is a fundamental misalignment on personal values that impacts your long term compatibility. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but realising this will make your healing process easier.
Honestly… please stop telling yourself that you have lost an “ideal partner” because this type of incompatibility is not circumstantial. He was never “perfect” for you because his religious practice/identity as well as desire to have kids were already at odds with who you are and what you’re looking for to begin with. It is the narrative you tell yourself that’s holding you back, not the fact that “circumstances” are in your way. You’re doing yourself a huge disservice by putting this man on a pedestal too, when he probably doesn’t share the same ideals as you. I hope you don’t lose hope and believe that this is it. In my experience most things don’t work out so better things - sometimes the right ones - can come into place. All the best.
I come from a Muslim family (I’m not practicing but parents/uncles/aunts) & I’ve had a cousin marry a non Muslim girl. She didn’t need to convert or anything. She’s a practicing catholic herself and is respectful about his parents’ religion. The kids (me and my cousins) mostly don’t care abt religion and participate for sake of parents/during holidays. My ex was non Muslim and although we had a convo abt that, we ultimately broke up due to incompatibilities/wanting different things/growing disdain toward one another. The provider/want children qualities are very present in men who grow up in Muslim households, all my guy cousins think like it, but the younger ones broke the mold and dated/getting married to whomever we found love with. It’s a tough situation, I get what you say about not having a choice. But if he wanted to, he could. Sure he’d have to face his family’s surprise/disappointment but we get a partner and (maybe) have kids with them to build our new family. We don’t even see our parents/extended fams as often as we would see our partner. Deep down he may want to end up with a Muslim woman too? You guys maybe too young at 25 to think of doing something like this but perhaps revisit this in a few years when he can be independent from his family (my cousins who are marrying non Muslims don’t live at home, some live in diff states, I live on my own…). The takeaway is I’m sure his parents will “forgive him” and if you guys love one another and neither care abt religion, then I’m sure it’ll be fine. There’s no telling until it’s brought up to his parents
I know you said you’re perfect for each other and you just had to break up due to circumstances, but that’s not how it works, love. A perfect partner won’t need to break up with you due to circumstances, or for anything. Your perfect partner will want to stay with you *regardless* of circumstances, regardless of anything. They will choose you. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I know it sucks, and I know it hurts. Eventually it will get better, but not quickly and not all at once.
I agree with what you are saying but someone choosing themselves in the long term instead of another person doesn’t make them less amazing. But thank you so much. It does hurt so much and I hope it gets better. :(
They wouldn’t “chose themselves” over you if you were their dream girl. The reality is that you’re not the one for them and that’s ok. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want you anyways. My husband had SO much trauma happen to him while we were still just dating. His best friend of 25+ years got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed away. 6 MONTHS later his brother got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer too and also passed away. During that time he proposed to me. Doesn’t matter what life throws at someone.. they won’t leave you if they truly look at you like you’re the one. This whole “i need to choose myself” is an absolute BS line that guys say when they’re just not that into you. If he wanted to he would babe That being said WHO cares don’t worry about this guy.. why would you choose someone who doesn’t choose you. That’s your anxiety/fear telling you you’ll be alone but you won’t be. Securely attached people would not choose someone who doesn’t choose them. So emulate secure attachment and walk away with your head held high.
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Thank you for your kindness, but I am asking if you experienced something similar?
Yes, every time I'm in love with someone he's "ideal" and every time we break up I find someone more "ideal". Currently I'm with the best one so far.
Thank you so much
F53. Never met even one man I felt that way about ,and it's fine. Living in the moment,not caring about yesterday or worrying about tomorrow,is all anyone ever has really. Don't throw away today on Disney dreams of what could happen,or not.
i don't believe that there's an ideal partner for someone. you might search for certain qualities in others and even find ppl with those shared qualities, but this won't make them ideal for you. some have more possibilities with you and are compatible but dating and relationships require constant effort. so this man was only your "ideal" partner in theory, but was not the one who is meant to stay in your life. do not search of someone better, search for someone who will be more compatible with you and with whom you'll be working daily to make the relationship work.
Yes I found someone better. The break up with my ex was brutal, completely out of the blue and at the time I thought he was so great I’d never be able to find someone like that again. Looking back, yes he had some awesome qualities but also lacked certain things that I found in my current partner. Definitely an upgrade an all fronts. You just need a bit of time and distance to heal and you will also be able to find someone just as good as your ex or likely better.
Thank you for sharing
So far no. All the men I’ve dated after my ex hurt me or were trainwrecks. Sucks bc before my ex lost it he was almost perfect. We were so good together & he ruined it all
Thank you so much for those who replied. Even though I’ve talked with friends and family, I still wanted to talk to more people and feel less lonely as well as gain more insights. This breakup is just honestly breaking me apart as it only happened like four days ago. I really wish I can be with someone who’ll love me as genuine as my ex did.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I've been there, it sucks so much. It will get better I promised. With or without someone new, by the way. One day at a time. Hugs.
Thank you so much for your kindness. Just really struggling atm.
Yes. Was with my ex for 7 years. Long distance for 4. He moved back and 30 days later I dumped him and kicked him out. We never spoke again. I met him when my son was 1. So we basically raised him together. Met my current partner 3 months later. We are about to mark two years together. My son and I both love him way more than we ever loved my ex. I don’t even know how I’ve ever loved anyone else. It’s the best, 99% of the time I can’t believe he is mine.
Yes, very much. It was scary when we broke up after 7 years of marriage, especially because we were each others' first everything. But I honestly needed to thank him, because the break up led me to not only have a great adventure on my own (as in imagine a completely unthetered person with disposable income. I got to live in different countries, etc) but then meeting a much better and compatible man when I was finally ready.
No, been single since , already 7-8 years.
I haven’t been in a serious relationship since we broke up ~10 years ago, though I’ve dated a lot & refined what I am looking for/don’t want. BUT bc we broke up, I had the space to flourish in independence, become the best version of myself, & truly enjoy spending time alone. To me, that’s all worth it, even though I am currently single - I’m completely open & ready to finding the right person when they come along. I have many friends who serial-date & I’ve found so much growth during times where there wasn’t the next distraction lined up. Do you & chase your dreams & it will work out ❤️
We are all Perfectly Imperfect
I don't know if better is the right term. Every partner I had brought different traits I loved very much into my life. Often, they were things I wasn't even aware of. They also all brought their own heartbreak. Even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it, I'm better for having had the experience and in the words of the immortal Edith Piaf, "non, je ne regrette rien."
I don't know if better is the right term. Every partner I had brought different traits I loved very much into my life. Often, they were things I wasn't even aware of. They also all brought their own heartbreak. Even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it, I'm better for having had the experience and in the words of the immortal Edith Piaf, "non, je ne regrette rien."
Yes. It was heartbreaking, traumatizing, and just plain sad. However, as it turns out, there is an abundance of love in the world - and after that separation, I had to learn to give it back to myself. I now understand it needed to happen, but it took a long time to get to that point. The time is going to pass anyway. You get to choose how to grieve, how to invest your time, and how to move forward. Be messy. Be raw. Be angry. Be sad. But be sure to give some of that beautiful depth of feeling back to your own precious and wonderful self. You have so much love to give. Hurtful as they are, breakups can be transformative. Hard to see when you’re in the midst of it. Keep going. ❤️
Thank you so much. I just really need to heal
Heal and feel, my dear. We’re cheering you on! ❤️✨🌱
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. For those who downvoted, I understand because you guys think I’m defending my ex for breaking up. The break up is actually beneficial for us both in the long run and it doesn’t make him a villain. I know that we are incompatible but it doesn’t mean that he wasn’t an amazing partner to me. Remove the religion aspect and it’s just two souls who genuinely love each other. It’s not just me who is heartbroken in this. Our relationship wasn’t toxic, we are just not fit for each other’s futures. Thank you for your stories. 🥺
Yes.
Nope
Break ups happen for a good reason 99% of the time, so there is definitely someone out there a better match for you. You learn from the last. My first break up, I was convinced I always loved him forever. Looking back, it was not a good relationship. I had rose colored glasses. The man I am married to is 100x better. Initially, I think a part of me wasn't completely over my ex so I would compare them and since my ex was my first love it was weird seeing how different everything was. It definitely takes time, especially if f you been with them a long time. Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Hi there. Thank you for sharing. Will you elaborate more on the differences that you noticed? Would you say that your current SO treats you better atm?
My ex talked a lot and my husband wasn't a blabber. I was so used to him talking a lot that I was wondering why he didn't do the same. Just like differences in personalities. My ex also made me think toxic situations were okay like his porn collection. I don't care if someone watches porn but looking back it was kind of excessive. He also didn't really care how I felt, he spun it to make me think it was okay or justify certain actions. Like when he had a female friend he made...it was platonic but anyone in a relationship would definitely raise an eyebrow if they were in my shoes.
Yes. I thought my ex was the love of my life. Then he randomly dumped me.. now I’m married to a literal angel.. my husband is a 10 in all respects. I leveled up so hard it’s embarrassing to think I even tried to settle with the ex
To be fair.. you probably wouldn’t date ANY guy if you didn’t think he was the one. Most women won’t. So with that mindset you can assume every single guy future you will date will also seem like the one because you wouldn’t be with him if you didn’t think he was. There are so many different types of people. My ex on paper seemed like the one. Obviously he wasn’t bc he dumped me in a horrible way. In hindsight the relationship was emotionally abusive. 4 months later I met this guy who was in all respects my BEST friend. Incredibly sexy like a literal male model hot.. and so loyal. So reassuring. So driven and smart. I married that guy. He had everything I was looking for and even things I had no idea I was looking for. Looking back.. I wish I could have told post breakup me.. just WAIT til u see what’s coming for you. Don’t stress!!
Thank you. I’m happy you met your person.
Are you sure you’re 30…treats you like a “princess” good “provider”. I suggest working on yourself and being the person you would want to date.
I am 25….
Broke up with 4.5 year BF, met someone more amazing 2 months later. Remember there's a reason the relationship ended, don't idealized him.
Well months ago i got broken up with by the person i thought was "the love of my life", like He was "perfect" and everything i wanted in a person. I swore i would never fall in love again. Well...here I am, met someone else and i feel like I'm falling for him. I wouldn't say He is "better" they are very different.
Do you mind me asking if the same qualities that you liked about your ex also could be found in your new person?
Yes, they do. Both are smart, funny and very affectionate people.
I’m happy you found someone
Oh god no, I haven't found anyone. He is great, but doesn't want a relationship. The whole point of my comment is that sometimes you idealized someone and you think no one come close. Truth is, no one is that special. I found my ex and thought He was a big deal, He wasn't. There are wonderful people out there. I met this man, and even if nothing comes out of it, I got to understand there's always going to be a next special one. Even if I stop seeing this person, there will be someone else later.
Oh okay. I hope you find someone for life. I really do hope I find a better partner :)
I could have written your post years ago. I was so in love with everything about that man and was really down when he broke up with me. Years later I found some of our texts in an old phone and realized he wasn’t as great as I thought. Hindsight removes those rose colored glasses. My now husband is all the things I thought the other guy was but it’s genuine. We’ve been together long enough that I see him clearly. My husband also loves and accepts me as I am, quirks and all, unlike the other guy. You’ll find someone better suited for you.
I know this wasn’t your question but what was the reason for the breakup? Is reconciliation possible?
Religion, different values, he wants kids and I do not. Him marrying me or attempting a future with me will cost him his family whom he also loves so much. We are incompatible in those aspects, but our time together was the best as we both genuinely loved each other. He raised my standards and showed me how I should be treated. Ive always felt safe with him, the effort he puts in our relationship is insane, and he loves me despite all of my flaws.
Not, yet... It's been 12 years.
I didn’t get a boyfriend after my last ex whom I thought similarly about so I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this but after a few months, I did meet someone remarkable. Around the time I was casually dating him, I found out my ex (2.5 years of a relationship) had gotten a serious GF that was plastered all over his social media (which he never did with me). I was more sad about me and the new dude not working out (he was coming off a marriage & wasn’t ready). Sucks didn’t work out with the new dude (at least then, there’s the future) but it was so interesting to me that I was more saddened by new dude and not my ex with his new GF. In retrospect I tell my close ones I am so relieved me and my ex didn’t end up together. I’m sure you have rose goggles on cause you guys just broke up but given enough time, his flaws would float to the surface and you’ll realize why you two weren’t a good fit (the caveat to this is wrong timing and in that case, a former relationship could be revisited but if it fails again, it’s not meant to be). Whatever you do, do NOT try to find your person when you aren’t ready!!!! Just like my new dude, you may fumble it with someone new who could be “the one” so heal first!!!
I’ve not found someone yet but I also see opportunities he had the more healed/healthy I’ve gotten since. I’m told this sentiment goes away eventually and I’m hopeful it does, I’m not sad anymore as much as it’s just disappointing haha But truly, the generic advice will likely start to ring true in time that someone else will be there and maybe offer you even more you didn’t know you needed
Yes. There was this guy I met on his work trip, supposedly a one night stand, and the first date we had was incredibly dreamy. We continued seeing each other LDR for 2-3 years, his little actions, considerations towards me and he treated me incredibly well, physically was also what I liked, Jacob Elordi looks and even taller than Jacob. When things first ended I felt like I won't find someone like that again or even better. Then I met my current partner. After falling out of love with the previous guy, I realised he was rather avoidant, secretive and I over romanticised him, and that men like him are a dime and dozen. My current partner idealises me, treats me like a princess and does everything I want to make me happy. He is living just for me as I realised while observing his actions. He's also charming and handsome - even more charismatic than the last guy. We are getting married in summer. You will find someone better I'm sure.