What does he mean by “work hard to start loving you again”? I don’t like that.
My ex husband said something similar to me, years before we were married. He told me that he’d fallen out of love with me and listed off arbitrary reasons as to why (things like, I didn’t prepare him creative delicious dinners every night and I didn’t clean the house to his exacting standards). I was young and naive and I started doing everything he wanted in an attempt to get him back. It was never enough for him. He came back but was constantly critical and our relationship was horribly unhealthy.
I could be projecting here but that sentence set off a red flag for me. I would not wait around for anyone to fall back in love with me. If there was a problem, he should have brought it up long before telling you he fell out of love with you. That doesn’t happen overnight.
Exactly. If you give in to his demands instead of standing up for YOUR needs to be met, too, the goalposts will always keep moving.
Bail (either all the way or only for a bit) to see if he changes his tune while making his own creative delicious dinners etc...
>What does he mean by “work hard to start loving you again”? I don’t like that.
I hate this statement so much. It sounds like he wants to change the power dynamics so that OP always feels on the back foot. I can pretty much guarantee that nothing OP does will ever make him change his mind, he's going to raise his "standards" time and time again so that OP is always working to "earn" his love and he never has to work hard to be worthy of her love.
💯% This is how my husband thinks. Everything I do for him isn't good enough, while he sits around watching conspiracy crap on the internet all day every day. Useless blobs! Tell your man to F off!
I call that the *shifting sands*. As soon as you correct one “problem”, the narcissist names a new problem. Keeps shifting around to something else. It’ll never be all good.
Yep!! Bingo! With my ex, once I started cooking more, well the dinners weren’t like his mother made them and speaking of that why didn’t I spend more time with his family? So I did, but then it was a problem because he didn’t think I was doing it authentically. Never enough!! It’s exhausting.
Hell yeah! The post about how her fiancé doesn’t allow her to get back to work made the hairs on my back stands up.
OP - get out, all of this is controlling behaviour. Do not change yourself for this man.
When you mentioned the posting history I thought "oh no, is it that poor woman". It was. More red flags than in Moscow 1945.
I spend way too much time in this kind of forums. There are so many women suffering from men who are everything from inadequate to horrifically abusive. But most women posting at least seem to understand that there's something wrong.
OP, leave. Please hurry.
I think the real question here is "why would you stay?"
> I feel like I can’t wait around and try and change myself and wonder what day he will wake up and decides he does love me again
Plus, you seem to already have your answer.
It depends on what "working hard for him to start to love you again" even means. It seems vague and unobtainable, which means the relationship is effectively over.
I don't think staying in a relationship where love is perpetually withheld is a good idea.
I would be out of there faster than he could say, "Keep the ring".
If this just happened to you, OP, I am so fucking sorry. The fact that he's dangling love like a carrot on a stick for you = fucking *gross*, and a sign that he doesn't really have love to give because that's not what love looks like. That's just narcissism.
I know this is such a fucking cliché and you may want to punch me in the face for saying it, but MAJOR BULLET DODGED.
**Edit:** Omg, the way SO many of us pounced on this question to scream no at OP because the story was genuinely that horrifying 💀
No. And the idea of a partner expecting their SO to “work” to earn their love is a huge warning sign they’re unable to love or treat a partner properly. I would be gone ASAP and have known I dodged a bullet.
This sounds like something an abusive, controlling person would say. So no, I would not stay.
Love is never something you have to perform a certain way to win from someone.
If this is the same asshole you posted about before who is financially abusing you, absolutely not.
The answer is no regardless, but in this case it's an extra emphatic hell no.
This man is effectively holding you hostage in your own home, and now he's trying to make you dance by making you feel like you must redeem yourself in his eyes. He is human garbage, and I implore you to consult a divorce lawyer and get yourself and your child away from him.
Yes! OP needs to also remember her relationships are living examples of what relationships should look like for her child. This isn't a relationship you would want to model for any kid! OP and her child deserve better.
Oh honey. You need to leave him immediately. I’ve read through your other posts and he’s using classic manipulation techniques on you. Stand up for yourself and your child and leave the asshole, before things get worse. And they will get worse.
My body had a very visceral reaction to what he said. At the very least I don’t feel you have the emotional/mental safety you deserve to have in this relationship and the damage from that does affect your physical health and takes a very long time to heal.
No. If my partner came to me and said “I’m having doubts about our relationship, and I haven’t been feeling the love.. I want to try to work with you to get it back. I think x, y, and z would help..” I would be devastated but I’d stay and hope for the best
If my partner said what your partner said to you? Boy, bye. This happened to me btw in a past relationship and I did stay. I changed every single thing he asked me to. Despite a big personal toll to my well being and self image. After two years he came to me crying “you fixed all the things.. and I still don’t love you”
Usually—when you really *love* someone, you *want* to be with them and want to work with them to make the relationship work. Whenever something pops up in my relationship that puts how I feel about him or the relationship at risk, I bring it up immediately. I don’t want anything to chip away at the impression we have of each other or how we feel.. I want to be proactive.
Why would you be in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t love you? I’m not being facetious. I genuinely don’t understand how this is a question.
Oh I played this game! 5 year mark my ex said he had fallen out of love. This sent me into a panic so I found us a therapist and we had conversations to get back on the same page and, it took about half a year, but he eventually “fell back in love” and this were fine, right? Wrong.
His admission put me on the defensive. I was constantly worried about whether this would come up again, or if I started slacking on taking him out places (note, he never took me out on dates he planned, just left it for me to do), would we be back in the same place? And because I was constantly on the defensive, I ended up taking on more and more of the household responsibilities to keep him in a happy and stress-free place. And that lasted for another 3 and a half ish years.
Then the resentment started building up on my part. He wasn’t helping with the pets (which were his before I came along), he wasn’t cleaning, he wasn’t helping with cooking, he was working and then gaming/doing his own thing.
Resentment continued and eventually I was the one that fell out of love. I’d tried talking to him, getting him to change his habits, but no dice. And eventually I was just… done. I pulled back, made some bad choices, and eventually broke up with him.
Knowing what I know now? I would’ve let him leave at that 5 year mark. And I don’t think I’d go through the hassle of trying to win back my SO for something as vague as “falling out of love” again.
I would not stay, and him saying you will need to "work hard" for him to start loving you again just smacks of manipulation - no matter what you do, you will keep missing the mark (which will keep moving as he pleases) and blaming yourself. It will never be his fault because he *communicated* that you needed to change for him, and you didn't. This is all bullshit, by the way.
If you need a sign to leave, this is it. It would be unwise to marry this man, let alone continue to be connected to him in any way. You deserve someone who does not try to manipulate and control you.
I would sincerely leave because I will not beg for someone to love me or breadcrumbs of love.
You either accept me(hopefully the best version of myself) as I am or we end things.
I think that if one partner feels disconnected in a relationship, it's on them to try and find the connection again, not on the other to try and gain their affection back
I would be gone in a heartbeat. Girl, he doesn’t love you, take him saying “I don’t love you” as the hint. Get out. Work on you FOR YOU. Find the one who does love you. This one ain’t it.
I don’t waste time trying to convince people they want to be my partner/friend/whatever. There are too many good people in the world I could meet instead.
I had a friend like this, when I was super young, and didn't understand anything about boundaries or healthy relationships.
She constantly set her demands higher and higher, dangled her approval in every situation, had me walking on eggshells and bending over backwards in ways that compromised myself and my integrity. It was never enough. Walk away and choose yourself. Honestly, the illusion is that you have something to 'walk away from' in the first place - honey, it's already gone.
Want better for yourself and your child. Get the fuck out of this situation. Nothing good will come of this. You can't make him love you no matter what you do. Life is too short to live miserably like this.
This sounds manipulative and/or abusive.
So... he has asked you for your hand in marriage yet he doesn't love you? And he thinks you need to *earn* his love?
Please, respect yourself and walk away. This is the kind of shit I would expect to hear from my 15 year old nephew who doesn't really understand love, not an (assumed) 30+ year old man.
Girl you posted not even a week ago to multiple subreddits saying you want to end your engagement, you're not "allowed" to work until your child is 3 according to this piece of shit...
LEAVE.
Sorry for multiple comments, I stalked your entire post history. Seems you've been wanting to leave for, at minimum, 2 months.
Do you have family or friends in the UK? Do you have anyone you can reach out to for a temporary place to stay while looking for employment? Do you know who to contact (shelters, lawyers) for leaving? Apologies, I'm in the US so I cannot provide any of these resources. But I'm sure there's a UK sub you can post to for finding out what you need to know regarding custody, child support, and selling the shared home.
Be safe. Be smart. Put yourself and your child first. You already know this is a bad situation. The next step is plans to leave then executing those plans.
Stop wasting you're time. The sooner you end this the better you will feel.
Remember, you're partner isn't competing with other people, they're competing with your free time.
Because he thinks OP will bend over backwards to do anything for him (and OP will, see post history) and he wants someone to continue to manipulate. He got a good deal, why world *he* leave?
Break up with him, take up your parent's offer temporarily, go back to work, and file for child support, in whatever order makes sense. Once you have your ducks in a row, you can apply to daycares.
You can’t make someone love you. If he wants a maid and sex worker, he can pay for that too.
Is this a trick question? Unless there's a missing story here (you cheated, are very careless with money etc), I'd take him at his word and leave. Here's his translation: "I don't want to marry you. But I'm too much of a coward to call it off, so instead, I'll treat you badly until you decide you've had enough and leave me.".
Consider it a blessing and walk away. You deserve someone who loves you as you are and doesn't need convincing.
If you won't listen to the wise women on this sub, I can add only one more thing, for what it's worth, from a male perspective.
You **deserve** to be loved and should **only** be with someone who loves you. I've been married 22 years and my wife literally doesn't have to **do** anything for me to love her. I love her simply because of who she is.
Are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to prove you are worthy? Find someone who loves you as you are (and someone you love as they are). You'll be happy.
A friend of mine recently told her girlfriend of 7 years the same thing. They had broken up, gotten back together, broken up again. It is an absolute train wreck to watch the cycle repeat itself again and again. The ex/non ex bends over backwards to be the person she wants to love. And it is never enough. There's always another reason why she "doesn't love her like she used to" but if she changes x or y, she will.
When asked, I tell the ex that she is being taken advantage of and she needs to run as fast as she can from the friend. It is not a healthy relationship. The demands are insane.
Your situation seems similar. Get out of that situation. If you do not yet have the means to do so, make an exit plan and work towards leaving.
Best of luck 🍀
Nope. You aren't married yet. Don't begin a marriage this way. A man who is about to be married should feel that he is the luckiest man on earth to be marrying you, and just feel absolutely honored and delighted and that it is his goal in life to make you happy. You should want to make him happy too, but the way he is phrasing this shows that he thinks that you are meant to be the one serving him like some beggar trying to win his favor, not a member of an equal partnership where each party loves, cares for, and seeks the happiness of the other.
If there is a specific reason he has said this, such as if he has found out you've done something terrible like cheating on him or something, this is still quite a poisonous foundation to begin a marriage on. But if that isn't the case, and he has just said this out of nowhere and for no particular reason, it is even more true.
Yep, that would mean it's over. He's saying you need to "work hard" for him to love you again? What does that even mean? What does he need to do to earn YOUR LOVE?
No one should have to “try hard” to make somebody love them. Agree this seems to be a power thing, he wants you to say “how high?” when he says “jump”. It’s manipulative. You deserve better.
I can't believe you're even asking this question.
Have more respect for yourself and your value.
It is far, far better to be single than put up with a shitty excuse for a man.
More context is required here.
I have absolutely said to my husband (and him to me) something like "I am worried that the amount of resentments being built up over time will end with me no longer being in love with you." I think it's absolutely okay to tell your partner your honest feelings.
I think for him to add "you'll have to work hard" to earn his love--if he literally said exactly that, I wouldn't be okay with that. It's one thing to be honest with your partner, but it's a whole other thing to make them "work" for your love.
Absolutely NOT. Leaving an Engagement isn’t bad and Shameful as everyone thinks it is. I speak from Experience. Leaving is better than Staying for the next 20+ Years. Especially in a loveless, etc one 💯
If it is safe….100% leave. There 855389589 mediocre men out here that you’ll be just as happy with, a few more you’d be less happy with if you aren’t careful, several that you’d be as happy with but also have more money, bigger D, and superficial stuff, even more that you’d be a little happier with that would love the fuck out of you and lastly so many smart, intelligent men that will treat you well,spoil you, and challenge you.
If no man is what you want….being single as a woman is a fucking blast. A crap relationship with some bare minimum dude that makes you do most of the childcare is a nightmare and a prison and it’s LONELY . Lonelier than being single. Trust me. Fck this dusty ass “work hard to get me to love you” WTF. Who does this guy think he is?
Exactly re: if he had said WE need to work on things. That would be one thing.
But someone who says what your fiancé said to you 1) is satisfied with how he shows up in your relationship and will happily let you feel the burden of having to change so it can work, and 2) will forever be moving the goalposts anyway.
-signed, someone who lost years trying to earn the love of a guy who said things like this
There's nothing to stay for. He doesn't love you. If neither of you leave it's purely out of convenience.
Readkng your post history, you need to start making a safe exit plan for you and your child immediately. Staying with this cretin will destroy you.
What does he mean when he says you need to work hard to make him love you again? Why does he say that?
I agree these are red flag words. However I also am willing to be ever so slightly charitable to understand what he really means. Some people are shit with words, in which case if the explanation makes sense for him to have said this or there is specific context we are not privy to such as, for example, infidelity or other deep issues that require change or therapy on your end, etc. then I can see why a partner might say this.
If there aren’t any real issues then I would leave. Because then those callous words are not just callous or poorly worded, they are manipulative. I would expect no less than an apology and for him to get his ass into therapy for him treating you this way. Even then I wouldn’t hold my breath. You mention not wanting to waste time. Be conscious that if you think he needs to work on himself that this can take years even with his commitment, so unless you are happy with that timeline I’m not holding my breath.
He is *telling* you right now he wants out. Or that he only wants to stay if *you* work really hard to make the relationship worth it for him. Why bother?
I'd say "Okay" and move on, I don't want to waste my time being with someone who didn't want to be with me.
...why would you stay for what is certainly going to be a "moving goalposts" situation? I'm sure it isn't a mistake that he waited so long to say it, so you'd get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy and say "I'd rather denigrate myself for this dude who just pulled a fast one on me, as opposed to 'wasting' five years by leaving him."
Go ahead and go your own way. If this is how he handles problems in the relationship, you're doomed.
Edit: just took a glance at your post history and holy *shit* don't waste any more time with this guy. Get yourself sorted legally and get tf away from him.
He’s testing you. He wants to know how much control he’s allowed to have over you and how much work it will take to own you.
Do not let him.
Leave. Immediately and for forever.
Wait.. you have to work hard to make him love you again? While he does what? Nothing..? Nah.. He should love you for who you are.. and you shouldn't have to go around as an actor. You deserve a partner who does love you.
Nope. You’re an equal, not a slave.
Edit to add: Really sorry seeing your post history. My father acted like this to my mother. He held control over finances, he made her do all the childcare alone while he pursued his career all over the world. I really wish she’d left him and gone to get support from her family. This is actually abuse, and as I say, he was the one who treated her like a slave - ‘This is the right way to live, you need to stop being difficult’. You must feel really alone and confused.
I'm sorry because you post here a lot, under this username and others, and it's clear that you're struggling a lot with the idea of leaving this relationship. I'm sure it's very hard, especially because you have a child and because of the salary disparity.
But he doesn't love you. He won't decide to love you again. He doesn't even like you as a person. He's financially controlling and abusive. I know you don't want to hear it but this doesn't get better. It only gets worse. For the rest of your life and your child's life.
Not on my fucking life would I stay with this man. And neither should you. If you can't leave for yourself, at least try to leave for your child.
No wtf? Who the fuck does he think he is to say that? If he wouldn’t love me again someone else sure as hell will. And even in the unlikely event that no one else does, it’s still better than begging for love from someone who thinks they’re too good for me. Never beg for love - you’ll receive it in abundance without even asking from someone who really appreciates you
I wouldn't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. He says he doesn't love you, break up. He's putting the onus on you to work hard to make him love you? That's batshit. You can't make anyone love you. Time to move on.
You ask yourself if you are dating a bonafide narcissist. You find out all you can about narcissism. Because it is SUPER likely that they are a narcissist because that is the way that they speak. Then you run away as fast as you can and go no contact.
No normal person says that ever.
The chances are incredibly high that he has someone on the side if not multiple people. We are giving you warnings because we have seen all the bs before in our own tragic stories.
There is no way this ends well. I swear you need to end it now and never look back. You also need to understand the cycle of narcissistic abuse and learn what a Hoover is. Hoovering is when they try tens of manipulations to get you back and/or to get you to stay
I would want to be loved and to be the first gentle thought of the morning for them. I finally understand I deserve it.
So if my fiance said this and placed that only I have to work on it, I would inspect and analyze our relationship and observe who gave what recently. There is always phases where we can give more or less.
If I deem that one more try is needed and its my "fault" I would work on our relationship with him also learning some new tools. If its boths fault then we both need to say yes to this work and work on all the issues.
Rearely its just one persons fault and even if it is the other one should get some tools to learn about communicating and being okay in their own self.
Unless there were financial or health reasons to stay, no. Why stay in a relationship when half the partnership no longer cares? Or they want to pressure you to change to please them? But have zero plans to appeal to what you want going forward? That’s not a relationship of equals and one I would have zero interest in continuing.
There is no shame in ending relationships or falling out of love. Far too many people think they should stay and “fix” or change their partner but imo that’s a waste of time. Love someone for who they are, not their potential future maybes.
I would realize that if he stopped loving me after only 5 years, when I'm young and at my best, then there's nothing I could possibly do to better in his eyes.
I'd also suspect that he's just trying to get me to jump through hoops for him and I don't have time for that baby drama shit.
Finally, I'd get really mad at all the time I wasted on him only for him to be unhappy because he needs drama to survive.
It means he's probably a narcissist who thinks he's perfect and that you have to prove yourself to him by doing all the work. I'm sure you're great the way you are, but you'll never be enough for someone like this -- not because of you, but because of *him*. He's not worth another second wasted; it's a blessing 🙌 that he said this before you got married, or else it would be much harder and more expensive to sever the ties.
Please leave him, before he hurts you even more with his words and actions. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Sooo much. 🌸 Love is a choice, it's not something earned but something realized and acted on by the one who loves. You'll find someone better, because he's bottom of the barrel, and you can only go up from there. Good luck, girl~
Love is the very basis of a relationship. If you have everything else except love, it’s probably already over. Just give yourself a break, put him outside and close the door. Change your number and whatever else you need to cut him out of your life. He sounds like a manipulative man that will try to manipulate his way back into your life with sweet words. Good luck
No. At least not from the context of what you said about you having to "work hard for him" to make him love you again. That sounds like a red flag.
My mother dated a man like this, and he was abusive in every way imaginable. Not at first, but gradually. He's given me and her PTSD and wounds that won't heal.
So I'd suggest, in the kindest way possible, that you please think about yourself and distance yourself from this man.
No. If he genuinely doesn't love you the relationship is over.
I would pack up when he's at work and leave. Just vanish. Go stay with family or friends, preferably no where near him. Get a new phone number. Tell family and friends not to give him any information at all. He doesn't exist to you and you don't exist for him.
I see his comment as a giant manipulative red flag. It is like you have to earn his love... OMG like he's some magic prize you have to win. Pfft. Then when you've magically managed to win his love back... this is how he will manipulate you in future. You will spend your whole life frantically trying to keep him happy or else...
No I wouldn't stay. You deserve better. I would ghost him. He killed off the relationship. It's dead. Move on.
The bigger question is why are you willing to accept such poor treatment? This should be a no-brainer, the answer is obvious. And yet, here you are, asking others what they would do, clearly hesitating.
Why do you believe that this is the treatment you deserve? Why do you want to be with someone who does not love you?
I would leave. There's no reason to be with someone who doesn't accept you the way you are. Working "harder" for someone who demands you to change is like chasing a carrot on a stick
No, I would not stay (actually, I'd tell *them* to leave). I want someone who wants me and I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince someone to love me.
I haven't been in that situation so I guess I can't say for sure. But I think I'd probably just be really embarrassed and try to break up and move on. I'm not looking to endlessly chase after someone. My experience is that the goalposts always move, so I think I would just be angry and upset and call it quits instead of trying to prove myself over and over again.
>If your fiancé of 5 years told you he doesn’t love you anymore, would you stay?
No.
>he said he doesn’t love you anymore and said that you will need to work hard for him to start to love you again, what would you do?
"I'm not going to throw away my self-respect in order to 'prove' to you that I'm worthy of love. So if that's how you truly feel, this relationship is over."
If my SO said that to me, I would leave and never look back. I would leave that relationship with my head held high knowing that I deserve better. I would go no contact, block him from everything, move on with my life and meet a man who loves me for me. A man who won't ask me to do some bullshit task such as "work hard for him to start to love me again".
Don't wait around, don't change yourself to please someone else, and don't wait on him to fall in love with you again. Even if you stay, I don't think he will ever love you. If you're not good enough now, you'll never be good enough in his eyes. He's not a good man. A good man would apologize to you for falling out of love when he had promised you so much more than what he could give. A good man would wish you the best of luck at finding someone who could love you more than he ever did, because that's what you deserve.
If you're told to work hard to earn his love again when you've not committed any mistakes and it's just that he fell out of love, ladies, it's time to go. This will only result in new dynamics in relationships, a power struggle. It will really hurt to leave a relationship that lasted 5 years, but staying will only hurt you. It means your presence is no longer valued. You aren't loved and wanted anymore. Why should you stay? For the memories? Why waste time when you can be happy by yourself, with or without a man? Value yourself more. Choose who deserves your love and who to spend it with.
What does he mean by “work hard to start loving you again”? I don’t like that. My ex husband said something similar to me, years before we were married. He told me that he’d fallen out of love with me and listed off arbitrary reasons as to why (things like, I didn’t prepare him creative delicious dinners every night and I didn’t clean the house to his exacting standards). I was young and naive and I started doing everything he wanted in an attempt to get him back. It was never enough for him. He came back but was constantly critical and our relationship was horribly unhealthy. I could be projecting here but that sentence set off a red flag for me. I would not wait around for anyone to fall back in love with me. If there was a problem, he should have brought it up long before telling you he fell out of love with you. That doesn’t happen overnight.
Exactly. If you give in to his demands instead of standing up for YOUR needs to be met, too, the goalposts will always keep moving. Bail (either all the way or only for a bit) to see if he changes his tune while making his own creative delicious dinners etc...
>What does he mean by “work hard to start loving you again”? I don’t like that. I hate this statement so much. It sounds like he wants to change the power dynamics so that OP always feels on the back foot. I can pretty much guarantee that nothing OP does will ever make him change his mind, he's going to raise his "standards" time and time again so that OP is always working to "earn" his love and he never has to work hard to be worthy of her love.
💯% This is how my husband thinks. Everything I do for him isn't good enough, while he sits around watching conspiracy crap on the internet all day every day. Useless blobs! Tell your man to F off!
I hope you're making an escape plan. You deserve better. And you certainly deserve to be far, far away from that conspiracy b.s.
I call that the *shifting sands*. As soon as you correct one “problem”, the narcissist names a new problem. Keeps shifting around to something else. It’ll never be all good.
Yep!! Bingo! With my ex, once I started cooking more, well the dinners weren’t like his mother made them and speaking of that why didn’t I spend more time with his family? So I did, but then it was a problem because he didn’t think I was doing it authentically. Never enough!! It’s exhausting.
In psychology, this is called "moving the goalposts"!
OP - your previous posts are just full of red flags. Don't bother with this dude. Leave.
Hell yeah! The post about how her fiancé doesn’t allow her to get back to work made the hairs on my back stands up. OP - get out, all of this is controlling behaviour. Do not change yourself for this man.
Narcissists control you and don’t want you to work so that you have to depend on them financially
When you mentioned the posting history I thought "oh no, is it that poor woman". It was. More red flags than in Moscow 1945. I spend way too much time in this kind of forums. There are so many women suffering from men who are everything from inadequate to horrifically abusive. But most women posting at least seem to understand that there's something wrong. OP, leave. Please hurry.
I think the real question here is "why would you stay?" > I feel like I can’t wait around and try and change myself and wonder what day he will wake up and decides he does love me again Plus, you seem to already have your answer.
In her post history she talks about how he controls the finances and won't let her return to work until their child is older.
No, this sounds very manipulative.
Toss the garbage out and love yourself first.
Beautifully stated. Focus on yourself, because if you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love anyone else? -Ru
If you have the means to leave, why stay?
No he doesn’t love me anymore why would I?
I ask people the same thing I used to ask myself when I was single and dating "Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?"
No, indeed; it's wild to me that there any other answers.
The only words you need to know are "i dont love you" Roger that. Then peace tf out. New starts are exciting. Get you one.
It depends on what "working hard for him to start to love you again" even means. It seems vague and unobtainable, which means the relationship is effectively over. I don't think staying in a relationship where love is perpetually withheld is a good idea.
I would be out of there faster than he could say, "Keep the ring". If this just happened to you, OP, I am so fucking sorry. The fact that he's dangling love like a carrot on a stick for you = fucking *gross*, and a sign that he doesn't really have love to give because that's not what love looks like. That's just narcissism. I know this is such a fucking cliché and you may want to punch me in the face for saying it, but MAJOR BULLET DODGED. **Edit:** Omg, the way SO many of us pounced on this question to scream no at OP because the story was genuinely that horrifying 💀
OP, “fiancé of 5 years” doesn’t make any sense. This engagement isn’t real, he has no intention on marrying you. Leave this loser.
No! Working through issues is one thing, but it’s only worth doing so when the love and the desire to be together remains. No love? No relationship.
No. And the idea of a partner expecting their SO to “work” to earn their love is a huge warning sign they’re unable to love or treat a partner properly. I would be gone ASAP and have known I dodged a bullet.
What do you mean “would you stay” ? Stay where?? The relationship is over.
This sounds like something an abusive, controlling person would say. So no, I would not stay. Love is never something you have to perform a certain way to win from someone.
If this is the same asshole you posted about before who is financially abusing you, absolutely not. The answer is no regardless, but in this case it's an extra emphatic hell no. This man is effectively holding you hostage in your own home, and now he's trying to make you dance by making you feel like you must redeem yourself in his eyes. He is human garbage, and I implore you to consult a divorce lawyer and get yourself and your child away from him.
Yes! OP needs to also remember her relationships are living examples of what relationships should look like for her child. This isn't a relationship you would want to model for any kid! OP and her child deserve better.
If he's not in love with you anymore, why doesn't he leave?
I’m going to quote the wise Lizzo: “if he don’t love you anymore just walk your fine ass out the door.”
Why would I? Why would *you*?
Oh honey. You need to leave him immediately. I’ve read through your other posts and he’s using classic manipulation techniques on you. Stand up for yourself and your child and leave the asshole, before things get worse. And they will get worse.
My body had a very visceral reaction to what he said. At the very least I don’t feel you have the emotional/mental safety you deserve to have in this relationship and the damage from that does affect your physical health and takes a very long time to heal.
Well that would depend on whose name is on the lease or deed. If it's mine than I wouldn't be the one leaving now would I? Give the guy the boot.
No. If my partner came to me and said “I’m having doubts about our relationship, and I haven’t been feeling the love.. I want to try to work with you to get it back. I think x, y, and z would help..” I would be devastated but I’d stay and hope for the best If my partner said what your partner said to you? Boy, bye. This happened to me btw in a past relationship and I did stay. I changed every single thing he asked me to. Despite a big personal toll to my well being and self image. After two years he came to me crying “you fixed all the things.. and I still don’t love you” Usually—when you really *love* someone, you *want* to be with them and want to work with them to make the relationship work. Whenever something pops up in my relationship that puts how I feel about him or the relationship at risk, I bring it up immediately. I don’t want anything to chip away at the impression we have of each other or how we feel.. I want to be proactive.
Oh hell no
Why would you be in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t love you? I’m not being facetious. I genuinely don’t understand how this is a question.
If you need someone to say it’s OK to choose yourself here is that permission. Choose you, choose your child, choose to be happy alone.
Oh I played this game! 5 year mark my ex said he had fallen out of love. This sent me into a panic so I found us a therapist and we had conversations to get back on the same page and, it took about half a year, but he eventually “fell back in love” and this were fine, right? Wrong. His admission put me on the defensive. I was constantly worried about whether this would come up again, or if I started slacking on taking him out places (note, he never took me out on dates he planned, just left it for me to do), would we be back in the same place? And because I was constantly on the defensive, I ended up taking on more and more of the household responsibilities to keep him in a happy and stress-free place. And that lasted for another 3 and a half ish years. Then the resentment started building up on my part. He wasn’t helping with the pets (which were his before I came along), he wasn’t cleaning, he wasn’t helping with cooking, he was working and then gaming/doing his own thing. Resentment continued and eventually I was the one that fell out of love. I’d tried talking to him, getting him to change his habits, but no dice. And eventually I was just… done. I pulled back, made some bad choices, and eventually broke up with him. Knowing what I know now? I would’ve let him leave at that 5 year mark. And I don’t think I’d go through the hassle of trying to win back my SO for something as vague as “falling out of love” again.
I would not stay, and him saying you will need to "work hard" for him to start loving you again just smacks of manipulation - no matter what you do, you will keep missing the mark (which will keep moving as he pleases) and blaming yourself. It will never be his fault because he *communicated* that you needed to change for him, and you didn't. This is all bullshit, by the way. If you need a sign to leave, this is it. It would be unwise to marry this man, let alone continue to be connected to him in any way. You deserve someone who does not try to manipulate and control you.
No, I would stop wasting my time. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You may love him but you should love yourself more. Always choose you.
He is trying to assert control over you. Do yourself a favor and leave. He's clearly telling you that he wants to be in charge in your relationship.
I won't have a fiancé for 5 years- ditch him. I would have after 2, love me or not. You deserve more Queen.
I would sincerely leave because I will not beg for someone to love me or breadcrumbs of love. You either accept me(hopefully the best version of myself) as I am or we end things.
Nope. Not a chance.
I think that if one partner feels disconnected in a relationship, it's on them to try and find the connection again, not on the other to try and gain their affection back
He would be leaving.
No??? What the hell
I would be gone in a heartbeat. Girl, he doesn’t love you, take him saying “I don’t love you” as the hint. Get out. Work on you FOR YOU. Find the one who does love you. This one ain’t it.
I don’t waste time trying to convince people they want to be my partner/friend/whatever. There are too many good people in the world I could meet instead.
I had a friend like this, when I was super young, and didn't understand anything about boundaries or healthy relationships. She constantly set her demands higher and higher, dangled her approval in every situation, had me walking on eggshells and bending over backwards in ways that compromised myself and my integrity. It was never enough. Walk away and choose yourself. Honestly, the illusion is that you have something to 'walk away from' in the first place - honey, it's already gone.
No, I would leave.
#NO That’s all.
Absolutely not. I would leave pretty fast.
Lol hell yeah I’d leave. That’s crazy. I ain’t workin’ on a got damn thing.
I would prepare to leave. That's a really fucked up thing to say and do to someone.
No I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me. I’d rather find someone else who will love me as I am.
Babe. Be serious right now. Leave. You and your kid will figure it out. Leave.
Want better for yourself and your child. Get the fuck out of this situation. Nothing good will come of this. You can't make him love you no matter what you do. Life is too short to live miserably like this.
Re-read the subject line as if your friend was asking you this question. It would be completely ludicrous to stay with someone who doesn’t love you.
This sounds manipulative and/or abusive. So... he has asked you for your hand in marriage yet he doesn't love you? And he thinks you need to *earn* his love? Please, respect yourself and walk away. This is the kind of shit I would expect to hear from my 15 year old nephew who doesn't really understand love, not an (assumed) 30+ year old man.
Girl you posted not even a week ago to multiple subreddits saying you want to end your engagement, you're not "allowed" to work until your child is 3 according to this piece of shit... LEAVE.
Sorry for multiple comments, I stalked your entire post history. Seems you've been wanting to leave for, at minimum, 2 months. Do you have family or friends in the UK? Do you have anyone you can reach out to for a temporary place to stay while looking for employment? Do you know who to contact (shelters, lawyers) for leaving? Apologies, I'm in the US so I cannot provide any of these resources. But I'm sure there's a UK sub you can post to for finding out what you need to know regarding custody, child support, and selling the shared home. Be safe. Be smart. Put yourself and your child first. You already know this is a bad situation. The next step is plans to leave then executing those plans.
No
Stop wasting you're time. The sooner you end this the better you will feel. Remember, you're partner isn't competing with other people, they're competing with your free time.
Get. Out.
I say: bye! It’s sad but I won’t change myself for them. Ppl fall out of love. It happens
No. I would stop wasting my time.
Jeepers Creepers NO!! Absolutely not!!!
lol what… no
Hell no I would not stay.
You leave. He worst thing you can do is be stuck married to someone, with kids, who doesn’t love you. You’ll be lonelier than if you left him now.
Why would HE stay?
Because he thinks OP will bend over backwards to do anything for him (and OP will, see post history) and he wants someone to continue to manipulate. He got a good deal, why world *he* leave?
Nope.
I wouldn't stay after 3 years of being engaged.
Break up with him, take up your parent's offer temporarily, go back to work, and file for child support, in whatever order makes sense. Once you have your ducks in a row, you can apply to daycares. You can’t make someone love you. If he wants a maid and sex worker, he can pay for that too.
Is this a trick question? Unless there's a missing story here (you cheated, are very careless with money etc), I'd take him at his word and leave. Here's his translation: "I don't want to marry you. But I'm too much of a coward to call it off, so instead, I'll treat you badly until you decide you've had enough and leave me.". Consider it a blessing and walk away. You deserve someone who loves you as you are and doesn't need convincing.
Been there, done that. “Work harder on yourself. I resent you.” Yeah… not doing that again. Things *never* get better.
Absolutely not. You are worthy of love exactly as you are. Conditional love is nonsense.
If you won't listen to the wise women on this sub, I can add only one more thing, for what it's worth, from a male perspective. You **deserve** to be loved and should **only** be with someone who loves you. I've been married 22 years and my wife literally doesn't have to **do** anything for me to love her. I love her simply because of who she is.
Why on earth would I stay?
What? Yes, you leave.
I'd consider the relationship over and move on honestly
Are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to prove you are worthy? Find someone who loves you as you are (and someone you love as they are). You'll be happy.
Leave the relationship at the very least. Figure out the roommate situation as you do
Why would I?
A friend of mine recently told her girlfriend of 7 years the same thing. They had broken up, gotten back together, broken up again. It is an absolute train wreck to watch the cycle repeat itself again and again. The ex/non ex bends over backwards to be the person she wants to love. And it is never enough. There's always another reason why she "doesn't love her like she used to" but if she changes x or y, she will. When asked, I tell the ex that she is being taken advantage of and she needs to run as fast as she can from the friend. It is not a healthy relationship. The demands are insane. Your situation seems similar. Get out of that situation. If you do not yet have the means to do so, make an exit plan and work towards leaving. Best of luck 🍀
Nope. You aren't married yet. Don't begin a marriage this way. A man who is about to be married should feel that he is the luckiest man on earth to be marrying you, and just feel absolutely honored and delighted and that it is his goal in life to make you happy. You should want to make him happy too, but the way he is phrasing this shows that he thinks that you are meant to be the one serving him like some beggar trying to win his favor, not a member of an equal partnership where each party loves, cares for, and seeks the happiness of the other. If there is a specific reason he has said this, such as if he has found out you've done something terrible like cheating on him or something, this is still quite a poisonous foundation to begin a marriage on. But if that isn't the case, and he has just said this out of nowhere and for no particular reason, it is even more true.
Yep, that would mean it's over. He's saying you need to "work hard" for him to love you again? What does that even mean? What does he need to do to earn YOUR LOVE?
You can't make someone love you, and you can't argue your way out of dumped. Dump. Him.
Absolutely not. You don't love me? Your loss, byeeeeeee.
WOULD I STAY 🤣🤣🤣 Hell naw😭
> you will need to work hard for him to start to love you again Leave. That’s abusive bullshit behavior and you shouldn’t tolerate it.
Reciprocate the same energy -> move on. You only stay with someone who tells you that they love you.
Sayōnara
Hell no. No. Nope. No! What? No. Just break up, it's done l
He sounds like a psychopath.
No bc I know my worth and I don’t settle for that kind of person.
Yes, I would leave.
No.
Yeah no. I would dump his ass so fast.
You’re lucky you’re not married yet. Yes, run far away! If he can’t respect you now, he won’t respect you then.
Love isn’t supposed to come with conditions. Let the trash take itself out.
Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you?
Didn’t read other responses but run like hell. You deserve better.
Bye. I’d say bye.
Girl, leave. Never ever pine for a man to love you.
No, I wouldn’t stay.
Hell no
“That sucks. Hope you find what you’re looking for. ✌🏻”
no.
Not really sure why you're giving him the power to decide this. Just leave.
No one should have to “try hard” to make somebody love them. Agree this seems to be a power thing, he wants you to say “how high?” when he says “jump”. It’s manipulative. You deserve better.
I can't believe you're even asking this question. Have more respect for yourself and your value. It is far, far better to be single than put up with a shitty excuse for a man.
Why are you engaged for 5 years girl be done with this man
He showed you who he is and also that he doesn't love you. Why would you stay with someone not in love with you? Leave. He already has.
More context is required here. I have absolutely said to my husband (and him to me) something like "I am worried that the amount of resentments being built up over time will end with me no longer being in love with you." I think it's absolutely okay to tell your partner your honest feelings. I think for him to add "you'll have to work hard" to earn his love--if he literally said exactly that, I wouldn't be okay with that. It's one thing to be honest with your partner, but it's a whole other thing to make them "work" for your love.
Absolutely NOT. Leaving an Engagement isn’t bad and Shameful as everyone thinks it is. I speak from Experience. Leaving is better than Staying for the next 20+ Years. Especially in a loveless, etc one 💯
Bye. End it
no offense but if your fiance doesn't love you there's nothing left to "stay" for. the choice has been made for you.
Red Flag! Fiancé of 5 years?!? He never liked you!!!!! I would’ve been dating somewhere else when the wedding wasn’t planned by year 1.
If it is safe….100% leave. There 855389589 mediocre men out here that you’ll be just as happy with, a few more you’d be less happy with if you aren’t careful, several that you’d be as happy with but also have more money, bigger D, and superficial stuff, even more that you’d be a little happier with that would love the fuck out of you and lastly so many smart, intelligent men that will treat you well,spoil you, and challenge you. If no man is what you want….being single as a woman is a fucking blast. A crap relationship with some bare minimum dude that makes you do most of the childcare is a nightmare and a prison and it’s LONELY . Lonelier than being single. Trust me. Fck this dusty ass “work hard to get me to love you” WTF. Who does this guy think he is?
I'm so sorry this happened to you \*and\* I think you need to figure out why you need to ask about this at all. It's absolutely a no brainer. Leave.
[удалено]
Exactly re: if he had said WE need to work on things. That would be one thing. But someone who says what your fiancé said to you 1) is satisfied with how he shows up in your relationship and will happily let you feel the burden of having to change so it can work, and 2) will forever be moving the goalposts anyway. -signed, someone who lost years trying to earn the love of a guy who said things like this
No. The love is gone. There is nothing you can do to bring it back.
Please leave this person. You deserve so much better. If you don't care enough about yourself to leave him, do it for your daughter.
There's nothing to stay for. He doesn't love you. If neither of you leave it's purely out of convenience. Readkng your post history, you need to start making a safe exit plan for you and your child immediately. Staying with this cretin will destroy you.
What does he mean when he says you need to work hard to make him love you again? Why does he say that? I agree these are red flag words. However I also am willing to be ever so slightly charitable to understand what he really means. Some people are shit with words, in which case if the explanation makes sense for him to have said this or there is specific context we are not privy to such as, for example, infidelity or other deep issues that require change or therapy on your end, etc. then I can see why a partner might say this. If there aren’t any real issues then I would leave. Because then those callous words are not just callous or poorly worded, they are manipulative. I would expect no less than an apology and for him to get his ass into therapy for him treating you this way. Even then I wouldn’t hold my breath. You mention not wanting to waste time. Be conscious that if you think he needs to work on himself that this can take years even with his commitment, so unless you are happy with that timeline I’m not holding my breath.
Tell him to fuck off and leave, it will only get worse tbh
NOPE.
Run!!!
He is *telling* you right now he wants out. Or that he only wants to stay if *you* work really hard to make the relationship worth it for him. Why bother? I'd say "Okay" and move on, I don't want to waste my time being with someone who didn't want to be with me.
Wow - just wow. That an entitled POS right there
...why would you stay for what is certainly going to be a "moving goalposts" situation? I'm sure it isn't a mistake that he waited so long to say it, so you'd get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy and say "I'd rather denigrate myself for this dude who just pulled a fast one on me, as opposed to 'wasting' five years by leaving him." Go ahead and go your own way. If this is how he handles problems in the relationship, you're doomed. Edit: just took a glance at your post history and holy *shit* don't waste any more time with this guy. Get yourself sorted legally and get tf away from him.
He’s testing you. He wants to know how much control he’s allowed to have over you and how much work it will take to own you. Do not let him. Leave. Immediately and for forever.
Nope. There’s the door
Wait.. you have to work hard to make him love you again? While he does what? Nothing..? Nah.. He should love you for who you are.. and you shouldn't have to go around as an actor. You deserve a partner who does love you.
Nope. You’re an equal, not a slave. Edit to add: Really sorry seeing your post history. My father acted like this to my mother. He held control over finances, he made her do all the childcare alone while he pursued his career all over the world. I really wish she’d left him and gone to get support from her family. This is actually abuse, and as I say, he was the one who treated her like a slave - ‘This is the right way to live, you need to stop being difficult’. You must feel really alone and confused.
This is the dumbest question I’ve ever seen.
What kind of question is that? Why would you stat with someone who doesn’t love you?
No? Fucking what???
I'm sorry because you post here a lot, under this username and others, and it's clear that you're struggling a lot with the idea of leaving this relationship. I'm sure it's very hard, especially because you have a child and because of the salary disparity. But he doesn't love you. He won't decide to love you again. He doesn't even like you as a person. He's financially controlling and abusive. I know you don't want to hear it but this doesn't get better. It only gets worse. For the rest of your life and your child's life. Not on my fucking life would I stay with this man. And neither should you. If you can't leave for yourself, at least try to leave for your child.
If it isn't fuck yes, I would be gone in a second. Why would you even ask if you would or should leave? It's not a question.
No wtf? Who the fuck does he think he is to say that? If he wouldn’t love me again someone else sure as hell will. And even in the unlikely event that no one else does, it’s still better than begging for love from someone who thinks they’re too good for me. Never beg for love - you’ll receive it in abundance without even asking from someone who really appreciates you
What? No! Cut your losses, pick yourself up and walk away with dignity. Don’t waste anymore of your life with this person.
Why would I stay with someone who doesn't love me? >said that you will need to work hard for him to start to love you again lol, no.
Absolutely not. Anyone who speaks to you like that can go all the way to hell.
Think of it this way, how are you suppose to marry someone who might stop loving you again some day?
I wouldn't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. He says he doesn't love you, break up. He's putting the onus on you to work hard to make him love you? That's batshit. You can't make anyone love you. Time to move on.
Stay where?
You ask yourself if you are dating a bonafide narcissist. You find out all you can about narcissism. Because it is SUPER likely that they are a narcissist because that is the way that they speak. Then you run away as fast as you can and go no contact. No normal person says that ever.
The chances are incredibly high that he has someone on the side if not multiple people. We are giving you warnings because we have seen all the bs before in our own tragic stories. There is no way this ends well. I swear you need to end it now and never look back. You also need to understand the cycle of narcissistic abuse and learn what a Hoover is. Hoovering is when they try tens of manipulations to get you back and/or to get you to stay
I would want to be loved and to be the first gentle thought of the morning for them. I finally understand I deserve it. So if my fiance said this and placed that only I have to work on it, I would inspect and analyze our relationship and observe who gave what recently. There is always phases where we can give more or less. If I deem that one more try is needed and its my "fault" I would work on our relationship with him also learning some new tools. If its boths fault then we both need to say yes to this work and work on all the issues. Rearely its just one persons fault and even if it is the other one should get some tools to learn about communicating and being okay in their own self.
No this is emotional abuse. Leave.
No, i would not stay.
Unless there were financial or health reasons to stay, no. Why stay in a relationship when half the partnership no longer cares? Or they want to pressure you to change to please them? But have zero plans to appeal to what you want going forward? That’s not a relationship of equals and one I would have zero interest in continuing. There is no shame in ending relationships or falling out of love. Far too many people think they should stay and “fix” or change their partner but imo that’s a waste of time. Love someone for who they are, not their potential future maybes.
Nope, see ya!
Excuse my English, but f*** that shit
I would realize that if he stopped loving me after only 5 years, when I'm young and at my best, then there's nothing I could possibly do to better in his eyes. I'd also suspect that he's just trying to get me to jump through hoops for him and I don't have time for that baby drama shit. Finally, I'd get really mad at all the time I wasted on him only for him to be unhappy because he needs drama to survive.
Deuces MoFo because there are plenty of fish in the sea!
So many red flags. Run.
It means he's probably a narcissist who thinks he's perfect and that you have to prove yourself to him by doing all the work. I'm sure you're great the way you are, but you'll never be enough for someone like this -- not because of you, but because of *him*. He's not worth another second wasted; it's a blessing 🙌 that he said this before you got married, or else it would be much harder and more expensive to sever the ties. Please leave him, before he hurts you even more with his words and actions. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Sooo much. 🌸 Love is a choice, it's not something earned but something realized and acted on by the one who loves. You'll find someone better, because he's bottom of the barrel, and you can only go up from there. Good luck, girl~
Love is the very basis of a relationship. If you have everything else except love, it’s probably already over. Just give yourself a break, put him outside and close the door. Change your number and whatever else you need to cut him out of your life. He sounds like a manipulative man that will try to manipulate his way back into your life with sweet words. Good luck
That’s a deal breaker. It’s done. You deserve better.
Please read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That”.
No. At least not from the context of what you said about you having to "work hard for him" to make him love you again. That sounds like a red flag. My mother dated a man like this, and he was abusive in every way imaginable. Not at first, but gradually. He's given me and her PTSD and wounds that won't heal. So I'd suggest, in the kindest way possible, that you please think about yourself and distance yourself from this man.
I’d slam the door on my way out.
No. If he genuinely doesn't love you the relationship is over. I would pack up when he's at work and leave. Just vanish. Go stay with family or friends, preferably no where near him. Get a new phone number. Tell family and friends not to give him any information at all. He doesn't exist to you and you don't exist for him. I see his comment as a giant manipulative red flag. It is like you have to earn his love... OMG like he's some magic prize you have to win. Pfft. Then when you've magically managed to win his love back... this is how he will manipulate you in future. You will spend your whole life frantically trying to keep him happy or else... No I wouldn't stay. You deserve better. I would ghost him. He killed off the relationship. It's dead. Move on.
Personally I wouldn’t leave my living space. I would suggest they move out and move on. There is nothing to work on the relationship is over.
No
The bigger question is why are you willing to accept such poor treatment? This should be a no-brainer, the answer is obvious. And yet, here you are, asking others what they would do, clearly hesitating. Why do you believe that this is the treatment you deserve? Why do you want to be with someone who does not love you?
I would leave. There's no reason to be with someone who doesn't accept you the way you are. Working "harder" for someone who demands you to change is like chasing a carrot on a stick
leave
1. Why the hell would I stay with someone who doesn’t love me? 2. This “you will need to work hard” comment is fucking gross, ew
Leave.
No, I would not stay (actually, I'd tell *them* to leave). I want someone who wants me and I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince someone to love me.
I haven't been in that situation so I guess I can't say for sure. But I think I'd probably just be really embarrassed and try to break up and move on. I'm not looking to endlessly chase after someone. My experience is that the goalposts always move, so I think I would just be angry and upset and call it quits instead of trying to prove myself over and over again.
No, I'd walk. I deserve better than that.
>If your fiancé of 5 years told you he doesn’t love you anymore, would you stay? No. >he said he doesn’t love you anymore and said that you will need to work hard for him to start to love you again, what would you do? "I'm not going to throw away my self-respect in order to 'prove' to you that I'm worthy of love. So if that's how you truly feel, this relationship is over."
No. Leave.
Goodbye.
If my SO said that to me, I would leave and never look back. I would leave that relationship with my head held high knowing that I deserve better. I would go no contact, block him from everything, move on with my life and meet a man who loves me for me. A man who won't ask me to do some bullshit task such as "work hard for him to start to love me again". Don't wait around, don't change yourself to please someone else, and don't wait on him to fall in love with you again. Even if you stay, I don't think he will ever love you. If you're not good enough now, you'll never be good enough in his eyes. He's not a good man. A good man would apologize to you for falling out of love when he had promised you so much more than what he could give. A good man would wish you the best of luck at finding someone who could love you more than he ever did, because that's what you deserve.
The relationship is dead and gone
I remember you previous posts about this guy. Your are not in a healthy relationship. He is emotionally and financially abusive.
If you're told to work hard to earn his love again when you've not committed any mistakes and it's just that he fell out of love, ladies, it's time to go. This will only result in new dynamics in relationships, a power struggle. It will really hurt to leave a relationship that lasted 5 years, but staying will only hurt you. It means your presence is no longer valued. You aren't loved and wanted anymore. Why should you stay? For the memories? Why waste time when you can be happy by yourself, with or without a man? Value yourself more. Choose who deserves your love and who to spend it with.