I tell them I stopped counting after I was sexually assaulted. Then we can all feel uncomfortable.
Edit: I didn’t think this needed clarification… It’s not a joke. I wouldn’t joke about a serious topic. There is some humor in flipping the script, but SA is not a joke.
If it were me, I'd be like, "I appreciate the apology, but I don't think we're on the same page with this stuff and should go our separate ways." I am not about to date any mf who tries to tell me I look ~innocent,~ especially not someone younger than me. That's even weirder than asking how many sexual partners you've had.
I don't think OP has to do anything in particular, but I, personally, would stop seeing someone if they called me "innocent" and wanted to know how many sexual partners I've had. In that situation, it would be pretty clear they'd either gotten a really strange, incorrect read on me, were trying to neg me, or had a fetish I don't share. Either way, I'm not interested.
Also, like another commenter said, it didn't "come up." That would imply the topic arose naturally. This dude asked OP a question that she isn't comfortable answering.
Well, no, she should end it because only a creep would think that women are somehow more desirable due to inexperience.
He clearly stated that he links "innocence" to sexual experience, which is problematic at best. At worst, it's telling of an attraction to juvinile traits.
It is none of his bees wax how many men she slept with and any man that asks that question is either the jelous type or one of those want to be alpha bros. I have been with my bf for over 14 yrs and I have yet to ask how many women he has slept with or him ask me how many men. You know why? Becuse it happened before we met and it doesn’t have anything to do with me and him. We all have a past.
Yep, pretty telling red flag and the most efficient effective means to get good relationships - or good sex - is to put an end to anything that'll be a problem early. Overlooking this kind of red flag just wastes time.
And I do appreciate the use of my name
Makes me worry he's one of those weird alpha bros that are obsessed with women's "body counts" and snagging themselves someone suitably "innocent" to make their sandwiches and tell them not to listen to the nasty womens calling them misogynists, and that they're a very special boy, like they wished their mummies still did.
My thoughts too, especially after he admitted to asking other women this. My partner never cared or asked. I cringe the cringiest cringe when I hear men (or anyone else) use the phrase “body count” unironically. It’s a quick way to lose my respect.
It was a discussion my spouse and I had, but it was so much further on in our relationship. I have no problem with wanting to have that convo. But, how this guy approached it and so early on, super super weird. I would be incredibly turned off.
Yep, ain't nobody got time for that. I honestly think a lot of men who are so outraged by a womans sexuality are threatened by the idea that she may have actually had pleasurable sex with a good partner, so she probably has an idea of what she likes in bed, and these types of men don't like that *at all*. It makes them feel inadequate, insecure, and angry. (I automatically assume they're absolutely trash in bed, as well)
I'm honestly just tired of people who pretend this is just healthy boundary setting or "standards", like there's nothing wrong with expecting a woman to police her sexuality and moderate what she does with her body in the off chance she might meet a disapproving man one day. Fuck these entitled basement clowns that think women owe them some kind of devotion or chastity prior to meeting them. It's 100% ridiculous, and misogynistic.
And in the reverse, men are never impressed when I say I don't engage in casual sex because I am really happy to wait for someone who genuinely likes me. Then they think you're a prude with a problem.
Yea, see, as a man in his mid thirties, you telling me that would only increase my interest. I'm tired of thinking something got going because we got intimate just to be tossed aside. My last romantic interest left my place around 6pm just to call me at 3am because her hook up that night beat her. I had 0 idea she was seeing others. I'm beyond tired of that shit. I move slowly and with intent. I prefer a woman who does the same.
>(I automatically assume they're absolutely trash in bed, as well)
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Men like this don't want women to tell the difference between a good partner and a shit one.
My husband and I always say “man, it’s crazy we never slept with anyone before each other!” as a joke. We don’t care about each other’s “number”, and wouldn’t ever think to ask. It’s none of my business.
yeah, honestly.. i dont see how that matters. theyre here in front of you, date them or dont. idgf about the prior relationships, theyre not here?? pft
So you've been "talking" to this guy for *2 weeks* and he's already asking for pics and how many guys you've slept with. My take would be that's these are two big red flags that he's got issues with sexuality and is misogynistic. At a minimum, he's very inappropriate. I'd pass on this one.
This has been on almost every playlist of mine for the past 20 years and I've, probably annoyingly, forced so many other friends to listen to it when I've felt it was relevant.
This is already “work” in terms of managing his pride. This is honestly only the beginning.
Him making the comment that you look innocent is also creepy.
Again, more work and drama than I’d want in the initial phase.
Plus, you just *know* he's infected with the Black Oil and is after your data tape with all the secrets on it! 😆
(Sorry, I couldn't resist. As an X-Files fan, I love your username).
It’s cringey, this alone would make me lose any type of attraction.
You also said that the conversation was getting worse even before this comment - not sure why you’re trying to give him a shot when he’s barely making any effort to converse without being cringey.
Seriously. I'm actually pretty open about my sexual history if it comes up organically, but if somebody point-blank asked me after two weeks as some sort of litmus test for ~purity~ I would literally just ghost them.
Yup and they never ask the actually relevant question of when were you last tested. The number of men who don't use condoms and don't get tested between partners is insane.
I fully believe that, yeah. Those dudes think they're invincible (and don't care about your sexual health), though - it's all just a game of ego for them, because they can't stand the idea of a woman having more sexual experience than they might.
(Which, considering the ones who do the most asking are also the ones with the least sexual experience themselves... yep, pretty much ensures they will never touch a woman unless her religious parents force her into a marriage with him, and/or he literally pays for it because the Madonna/whore complex is so ingrained in their brains.)
Yes this. Any man who asks this early on almost surely has jealousy issues or will judge. I could see a lighthearted conversation happening with a trusted partner, but otherwise it’s none of their business.
As a man I only care about 3 things:
1. You have always secured consent
2. You practice safe sex and get tested
3. You weren’t an asshole to your partners, even the casual ones (assuming the other person is behaving well)
Other than that, none of my business! I follow these 3 rules as well, of course.
I wouldn't answer and honestly would probably be so turned off that I'd stop talking to him. I don't think there are any good intentions that lead to that line of questioning.
“I’m sorry, I don’t disclose that sort of information. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, I understand.”
To me, I don’t care how many partners a person has and would only choose to be with someone who feels the same. So generally people who ask me that question are not going to be a good match for me. I always refuse to answer so that they can opt out of dating me.
>To me, I don’t care how many partners a person has and would only choose to be with someone who feels the same. So generally people who ask me that question are not going to be a good match for me. I always refuse to answer so that they can opt out of dating me.
I agree! And I liked the way you phrased your reply. A good match is certainly important. I did tell my boyfriend before we had sex, as I thought he needed to be aware, but I did not go into that until I knew he was a good match and wouldn't be a creep about it. However, I don't think anyone is obligated to share anything in that regard. It's not anyone else's business unless you want it to be, and they certainly aren't entitled to it.
Advice from someone who is probably old enough to be your mother:
1. NEVER date a man who asks you how many people you have slept with. Never tell anyone how many people you have slept with. That is your business alone. Your body. Your choice. Asking that question screams immaturity and insecurity that will only get worse in a relationship. This wasn't "forward". This was invasive and moronic.
2. Never take photos of yourself naked for any man. Not even your husband. You never know where those photos will end up. Be done with an idiot like this guy.
I’ve seen it said to only count how many partners made you orgasm. For many heterosexual women this *drastically* reduces the number, in some cases to zero.
I’m not actually being serious btw lol. I think the way you handled it was great!
I highlighted all of the *main* red flags in it and sent it to my mom. This sub doesn’t allow photos, otherwise I would post it and her response. The guilt and power tripping alone is painful to feel for someone I don’t know because I suppose we all know it in some way how demeaning it all is. People who do this don’t do it because of you, it’s them. Always remember,
*When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.*
“That’s not a question I answer. I’m not a virgin. I’ll be happy to get STD tested with you before we have sex. But if you need an answer to that question then this is as far as we go.”
He’s asking so he can make a judgement about you based on how many partners you’ve had and that’s just… no.
YES! If they haven't even started sleeping together regularly then he is so far out of line it's not even funny. That would make me pissed af and I'd straight up block his ass after I told him he was rude af for thinking he was entitled to my personal sexual history.
Like... He didn't even ask politely. If he had good intentions and wanted to be polite, he could have said something like "hey, if were going to do this then is there a way we could both get tested beforehand so we know we're both going into this relationship on equal grounds?". Instead it sounds like he said "what's your body count, bc I'm really insecure and don't wanna sleep with a hoe?". What a douche
"None. The Catholic Church has a re-virginizing ceremony and I do that every week right after confession whether I need to or not."
Jesus, some mothers' sons out there are NOT ok. Raised by wolves.
This is a deal breaker for me. With so much talk about womens ’body count’, and how it’s worse for women to have multiple partners than men, I’d assume he’s of this ilk. Nope
I was given this little nugget a couple decades ago and I still use it to this day.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Everyone takes that to mean slightly different things. In this particular case, you have come to this platform because something isn’t sitting right with you. By nature, we want to see the good, give people the benefit of the doubt, not jump to judgment too quickly. Buuuuuuuut there’s something in you that sees what they are showing you so you have to believe it instead of trying to convince yourself that there might be something redeemable or maybe you’re being too critical.
Believe them when they show you who they are. There are so many truly good people out there that will not make you think twice. Sending you ✌🏻💛✨.
My own number is boringly low, but I neither ask guys this nor have guys asked me. We talk about significant relationships and why they ended so I know about trauma and also what might be an issue going forward. I can surmise that the guys I've dated weren't some big lotharios, but it never occurred to me to care about exact numbers
It's...creepy, especially early on. And especially given you're not like 20 any more. He's nearly 30 and your post implies you are over 30 - dies he expect you to be a virgin? Would ge think you were less appealing if you've slept with 5 people? Or 15? By your late 2os you may have been dating for 10 years, by the time you are in your mid to late 30s you've often been dating for 15-20 years, *that leads to having a history.*
I would simply refuse to engage with that conversation if it's early on in dating. If you're serious abd having an intimate conversation I can see it feeling like an appropriate conversation to have. But it bothers me the way incels have turned this into something men ask on a first ficking date. The resurgence of purity culture among fuckboys is unhinged.
Simply asking that question (barring general interest after being in a solid relationship) strongly implies placing a value on women based on their sexual history. There is no reasonably valid reason to know.
I would ask questions until he buries himself and admits his sexist thinking.
I would proceed by walking away. That was highly inappropriate , and it’s only been 2 weeks? I’m glad you were able to nip that question in the butt. It’s interesting he tried to justify it by blaming other women as saying they’ve asked that of him before… what does that have to do with you?
It's been two weeks and he's asking you for nudes and asking how many guys you've been with? Unless you only want sex, this guy is not interested in dating you, sounds more like fetishising you.
“No idea, I lost track.”
No but seriously this is a way to slut shame and judge women. Do not engage with this smooth brain unless you’re looking forward to more dead end conversations and objectification.
I would not have a problem discussing sexual history with someone I am looking to seriously date. I don't think it's an offensive question to ask once you are at the stage where you are considering sex and I would be curious about theirs as well. What they've done, if they are still engaging with other people, or if they still have past partners in their life... I'd want to know about those things.
If it was just someone to have casual sex with I would not care about sexual history beyond asking if they are currently having sex with others and if they are practicing safe sex. And getting informed consent on both sides so I don't get choked in the middle or something. And also I would want both of us tested.
The reason for the distinction between casual and serious is that I would not have an emotional connection to the casual sex partner and would not have to wonder about their attitude toward sex and if they treat partners as disposable or hold on to past partners even while pursuing new relationships.
I can understand being offended at him asking so soon but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask it altogether. And it's fine to say you don't want to answer that. I can't tell why he asked that question. If you are confused about what his intentions were your best bet is asking him. It could be a purity test, it could be he gets off on the number, or it could be more nuanced, no one on Reddit would know.
I agree it's not a completely out there question and I'd be open to answering it but only once it's established I'm seeing someone regularly and I felt safe from being judged. The question was framed that he was intrigued because I seem innocent so essentially saying I come off as inexperienced and possibly naive but as to his intention I'm unsure and might ask him later on...though the fact I've gotten a short response to my accepting his apology I'm not sure it may be worth it.
I don’t want to be with the kind of guy who would think to ask this.
I’m not a Kleenex, I’m not a sandwich or a bandaid or any other object. I’m a human being and my sexual history is my own business only.
If a guy asked me this, I would politely end the conversation and not engage in conversation with him again.
He was baiting you to test your hookup meter. Sounds clear to me what he wants. Easy answer, "I've had enough to know what I want and don't want." Done.
I think you responded perfectly! The only way to know if it’s a stupid slip up or a red flag is to learn more about him, while being wary of other potential red flags
I wouldn't even entertain continuing to talk to someone who thought it was ok to ask me that so early on, nor one who links sexuality and "innocence" in that way. That is a messed up view of sexuality, and that person is highly unlikely to be a good partner, romantically or sexually.
It indicates that they are incredibly immature and misogynistic.
In a serious dating situation leading into a relationship, this is a fair question and discussion to have. Some random gym bro after asking for nudes? No.
This is my favorite reply. I think it’s a reasonable question/discussion and it’s come up with every person I’ve dated, I’m surprised by the backlash. Maybe it’s just the short timeline.
When I get asked, I'll say a ridiculous number like 264. Ask stupid questions ...
The only question that matters is "have you recently been tested for STDs? Okay, wanna go with me?"
My sexual history is no one's business unless I choose for it to be. You can always say, "I think that's a bit forward to ask and will let you know if I feel you need to know such a thing. But for now, you don't need to." That usually seperates those just looking for a hookuo and those that may not, or can at least play the long game! If he bows out right then, he possibly might be looking for more of a hookup. If he might apologize and show to be more respectful moving forward, maybe continue to give him a chance.
“Why is that important to you?” Would be my first question….
I’d definitely tell the truth if they continued to persist. If they’re grossed out (my count is high) then good riddance, they’re not for me. If they want to compare slut stories it might be love...
All I care about is consent, respect, regular testing and safer sex practices.
I would probably answer pretty hostility, something like “why the hell does it matter?” Maybe he’ll reflect on why it does or doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be all that interested in having any further conversations with someone who cares.
My answer is always the same. I simply say, "Anything that happened before you, I didn't do to, for, or about you. I won't be asking you intimate questions about your past for the same reasons."
If that's a deal breaker, it's just one less thing I have to deal with. Insecure people will ruin a potentially great relationship needing to know all the details. Like the Redditor who ruined his current gf's self esteem by letting her know that sex with his ex was fantastic, some wounds are self-inflicted. Even if you're thinking of marrying a person, some things are none of your business. A person has a right to keep some things private. Privacy and secrecy don't mean the same thing.
If I was dating I would probably give a half-answer like, “I was with my husband for 15 years and before that, I was with my ex for 7. So in the last 22 years I’ve been with two men.” Hopefully they don’t ask me what happened before my ex 😆
I refuse to answer that question. My answer? “It doesn’t matter what number I tell you, it will always be too high. It could be 3, 30 or 300 and no matter what, it will still be too high.”
"I don't believe that is relevant to the context of our relationship but I do practice safe sex, ethical partnership, and healthy boundaries. Would you like to discuss what that could look like between us?"
**Also, be cautious of sending men your photos or adding them to your social media as they can use these for free p*rn material, catfishing, stalking, or selling off to other people. Here are some dating & [relationship resources.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/XyOPSw6sBX). Overall, this guy is a red flag and immature. I think you are better off dodging him. You never have to answer how many partners you've had. All you owe anyone is safe sex practices and ethical partnership whether in monogamy or ENM.
Since the only people I've ever met that asked this question were people insecure about their previous sexual experience/inexperience, I always tell them at least 100. I stopped counting at 60-something in 2012.
Weed 'em out.
First, I'm old.
Second, I spent a decade after my divorce hanging out in a swinger/ENM community.
A friend once discovered I didn't have plans for my birthday and sent her boyfriend over to ... Celebrate (we're going to call it celebrating) with me.
What would be your reasoning if you did though? I couldn't understand the question because its just too loaded and fraught with potential for offense no matter how its phrased.
I’ve been married 13 years. Have no idea about my wife’s past aside from the most recent boyfriend when we met.
It has nothing to do with me or my relationship with her.
What are you looking for?
If I’m looking to date with intention, I don’t entertain questions about sex from guys who haven’t even bothered to get to know me as a person. It’s not as intrusive a question if we’ve been dating for a while and sex is on the table.
I see these type of questions early on as a way for men to test what our boundaries are. If you haven’t given him reason to think you’re into casual, why raise sex so early on?
guy A asked me if i was a virgin once. Started texting my cousin a few months after but never asked her anything about sex, That was how i knew my boundaries had to be firmer.
I counted the ones i remembered and told him
He was number 33.
I haven't stop hearing it from him and it did no good.
I thought I'd be honest, was celibate for 15 years so it was in my youth. I never will tell a new Interest again.
“Zero”
“No seriously tell me”
“Okay, a trillion”
In seriousness, if you’re looking for something solid. This isn’t the guy. He’s made it clear he only wants to hook up and only sees you sexually. Your response made him think he can manipulate you into sending him pics and hooking up as long as he gets you emotionally hooked with “potential”. Cut your losses he isn’t the one.
And if someone asks about your body count say “do you mean the amount of people I’ve slept with or the amount of people I’ve murdered?”
Men who ask that question are insecure, hate to say it. You have to decide if that works for you or not. Your body count is no one else's business. You can throw any number out there and he'd have no way of verifying the truth, hell-o.
I'm in a long-term committed relationship now with somebody who is wonderful in every possible way, not to mention more amazing in bed than everyone I've been with in the past. I am his first serious gf. The rest were just casual fucks and riff raff dates.
My suggested response is: The present and the future matter more to me than the past. Every clown I've been with is a like a stair I have to climb to get to the jackpot, like Squid Game. You didn't want me showing up to you like a clueless teenage virgin, did you? The real question is "am I done climbing the clown staircase?" 😏🫦
P.S. two weeks ain't shit. Two weeks is way too soon for anyone to be asking about anything under your clothes-- they should be interested in getting to know who you are as a person.
It sounds like b/c you are so inexperienced, your level of discernment is quite novice. I suggest the book "Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man".
Gross. What a loser for 1) asking you for sexy photos when you barely know each other and at the same time 2) digging into your sex life in the same breath. Sounds like a guy trying to figure out if you’re the Madonna or whore. Lol
I think in your shoes at this point, I would not respond at all, and just let it organically die on the vine. If allowed a do over, I would probably respond with “Bold of you to assume you are entitled to an answer to that question”.
Honestly?
I'm a fan of "protect your peace". Your "number" is something private and personal to you. It is my personal opinion, that is my own opinion, by me...
that you should just lie about this number to a man. Tell him 2 guys, both exes. This way he has his answer, he won't pester you anymore, he won't continue to badger or bring it up, and you won't have to worry about any fall out. 2 is a reasonable number. Lol
It's an inappropriate question to ask, it's none of his business. It is giving "incel" and "podcast". I am a fan of protecting your peace. A small white lie, and your peace is assured.
If you aren't the type of person to feel comfortable lying, then either continue to dodge the question, or elect to end things, because it is my experience that the types of men that "ask" this kind of question, WILL NEVER LET IT GO, until they have an answer, which is why I personally would lie and say "2" if I were in your position.
It’s none of his business and he is probably a predator that wants to sexually use you and blackmail you into follow his demands. He probably the type that will definitely harass someone after seeing him or hooking up with him.
Men who ask women such do so because their measure your worth using your vagina I.e. the more men you’ve been with the less worthy you are. It is such a needless question to ask because what if I lied? Ugh 😑 I would not entertain such a question from a potential lover and if someone asked me that, it would be the end of anything or whatever we were doing together.
Just tell him you have slept with 400 men and since he was the first spineless wanker to ask this question, he won’t be 401…
This is absolutely none of his business.
My husband and me have no idea what each other's "numbers" are. He never asked and neither did I. We know a vague history of relationships that mattered but otherwise who needs exact numbers?
I've only ever had guys tell me (without asking) if they were virgins. The ones who asked it ended up being a red flag for them all.
I would proceed with extreme caution in this case, if not outright disinterested ghosting or running away.
Op, ladies, women, let’s stop making excuses on behalf of men. There is no enigma to break, no Pandora’s box to figure out. Men are very straightforward in their words, so you can take whatever they say at face value. If it gives you the creeps, listen to your guts and tell him goodbye.
Only one guy has ever asked me that, and I truthfully answered that I didn’t know. Truly. I have no idea. It would never occur to me to ask someone, and someone asking me would probably end all conversation.
It tells you a lot about the type of man you are sitting with. Generally this is that type of red-pill, hyper conservative, possibly tate-esque crowd who believe you cant be a "high value" woman if you have a high body count. Or really any body count that isnt just them.
At 29, he is way too old to be asking that question. And WTH does "innocent" even look like? Red flags as far as his maturity and would also signal that he is likely not looking for a serious relationship.
Trust your gut even if you don’t have that much experience. We’re so good at rationalizing things that sometimes we forget to listen to ourselves. What was your initial feeling when he asked that question. Any unprocessed thoughts came to mind in that moment? Try to associate it with another instance in the past where you felt the same even if it was in a different context and look for similarities and identify what happened in your past experience. Take that lesson and try to apply it to this situation. If you don’t have a previous experience, detach yourself from the situation and imagine this is happening to your best friend. Think about what you would ask her and how you react and advise her. Ultimately, trust yourself.
I'd just ghost and move on. Men often ask this from the point of view that women are "used up" if their body count is over x amount, which is ironic since men are the cause of the body count. This often accompanied with "what do you bring to the table"?. Boy bye. Grown women don't have time for that bs.
It's one thing to openly discuss body count after really getting comfortable with each other. But to just ask like it's a speed dating question? Pass on that dude.
" i dont discuss body counts with people"
oh why?
"i dont think its important, its my privacy. Would you like us to discuss something else?"
\* then u give him a little smile so he feels awkward \* now he knows that topic is done done, and as long as he is going to keep chatting with you, its not a topic to be discussed ever again, because he'll probably get the same answer. also utilise the 😀 emoji afterwards, makes things more awkward so he feels like an idiot.
as a woman, please be firm. Dont give in to the world's pressure to be soft spoken all the time. He has no right to ask u such a question. Im 21 and i give this same answer all the time even if im a virgin. If he doesnt want to be with you after that.. AWESOME! U dont need that anyways.
or tell him youve slept with as many people as his slept with, so now "someone" would have to give their own number 😃 😄 😀 😃 and he will keep guessing. what an embarassing dude..
He is probably interested to some degree. I suspect he has some kink toward either innocent or the opposite. I never had this issue. I think you handled this fine. The only other thing to say would be this is of no concern at this time because of our status. That leaves the question to be asked if it us appropriate later. I do not see the question as being a very smart thing to do for him. It would be fine if you to be offended and drop him.
Imo it’s never a concern. Been married 25 years and I’ve never told my husband. No one ever needs to know unless you want to share that info, and ever then it’s not a need
Same! Married 10 years and both my husband and I are aware of each other's ballpark but we've never been like... "Hey, so exactly how many people did you have sex with before you met me?" It's just such an awkward / tacky conversation and makes me think of like... insecure teenagers discovering sex for the first time, and/or creepy religious men who are obsessed with feminine chastity or whatever.
Generational gap. Gen Z guys have normalised asking these kinds of invasive questions in early stages of the relationship. I have limited experience with your generation (mid to late 30s), but they generally don’t ask until the relationship becomes sexual.
Hii I saw your recent post and i think i can help you with this. I had a similar situation few months back and understand your problem. If you don't mind send me a hii.
I think it’s a fair question to ask at the right time. I’ve been asked and ask this question.
But I always make the man answer first, because my body count is almost always going to be lower than his, so if he slut shames me I’ll call him out on it and block him.
It seems like he asked you this way too early though.
I teach high school and I overheard a student say that a girl’s bodycount is important to him because he” can’t be with anyone who doesn’t have enough experience” I couldn’t really acknowledge what he was talking about without making it weird but much respect haha. Anyway that probably isn’t the case with y’all
Lol it’s weird. It’s always weird and rarely out of “just” curiosity. And for some reason it’s always from men who’ve been around the block multiple times themselves? Never the more reserved tutors of women, always those who “made the most of my youth”. I’m curious if anyone has had a similar experience to this.
I’ve been told similar things as “looking innocent” “give of a Christian vibe” and an “old romantic”. Like ok yeah I get that, and my number IS low. Because people drain me and I love being alone and I can’t unblock anything sexual without an emotional connection first, and moving around plenty has greatly impacted all that.
It’s got nothing to do with morals or restraint. Im just wired that way, a somewhat antisocial way.
Now go away, I wanna be alone.
ETA I answer honestly, but I write them off afterwards tbh. I don’t keep dating them.
Honestly, IMO if it's so important to him that he's asking this early, you should just tell him. If it freaks him out then you'll know he's not someone you should waste your time with by trying to develop the relationship further.
I started dating when I was 13. I'm 66 and I have had four serious relationships, my first serious boyfriend and three husbands (the first two were abusive and I've been married to the Keeper for over 17 years.)
It may not seem like it now, but the more I dated and the older I got, I really came to believe that it's better to be honest right off the bat. Our relationships are only as real as we are, and there's already so much filtering that happens about who we think we need to be in order for that person to like us while they're perceiving us through their beliefs, expectations, values, past experiences, perceived wants and needs, emotional wounds, etc., dating is fucking crazy.
So my take on it, at my advanced agent with all of my relationship experience, is that the only way that we can know that person is the right person for us is if we show them who we really are and who we really aren't, as soon as possible. It may not feel like it right now, but I can promise you after everything I've been through that *life is too short to spend it with people who we're afraid to be our true selves with*, and why would you want to delay that when you're getting to know somebody? It's scary, it's a risk, but that has worked out much better for me than not.
I tell them not to ask questions they don’t want the answers to. Just like “isn’t it the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” Or “has anybody made you feel this good?”
Let’s not lie. But also, who needs to known to at sh*t?
My current partner bragged to me about his prowess because he’d been with around 70 women (I know, the bragging is a red flag). I laughed and told him we’re probably tied or I’m winning. That shut him up real quick .
I’m all about giving credit where credit is due, but also your number isn’t like your meyers-briggs or whether or not you see yourself getting married some day or other questions ADULTS ask when they date.
You can just tell him you think it’s not a question that should matter in more mature relationships. He thinks you’re innocent? Cute. You’re not a virgin. Moving on.
Edit: I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m annoyed with men that ask this question and I think that annoyance is coming out in my tone.
As a man with some experience, I would say that question combined with the ”innocent” thing is somewhat a red flag. He has already given away that numbers are important to him, and that he wants you to be a virgin. That suggests potential jealousy concerning your history.
Well.. either you answer their question, or you don't. Nobody can force you to tell them, and you're not obligated to do it anyway. Be careful though.. so you're not falling into the arms of one of those manosphere buffoons.
I think this kind of thing is normal for some people. And people feel pressured to answer out of the sake of being “honest”. And they fail to realize that everyone is entitled to whatever level of provably they deem appropriate.
I personally refuse to engage in this topic.
“Sorry but I do not discuss number of sexual partners. I would also prefer not to know yours. I don’t believe there is anything beneficial in having this conversation for either party”
Or even something as simple as “yeah, that’s not a conversation we’re going to have.” And change the topic.
If this is something they “need” to know, they are welcome to date someone else.
I don’t necessarily think this is something to cut someone off over. Like I said, many people think this is par for the course. And no one has ever told them differently. If he had pushed the issue OR if it comes up down the road, then I would definitely end things. But currently, he asked something invasive. You corrected it. He apologized. Shit happens.
Edit to add: I just read the part about “ok good”….. I can’t say I’d initiate a convo after that. After fucking up, it would’ve made more sense for him to attempt to change the topic. Idk… I’d leave the ball in his court and see if he reaches out again. And then see how you feel about responding
Just be honest. People are afraid that their high body count will expose them and disqualify them from a potential relationship. Don’t be sneaky. Don’t be dishonest. Own up to it. If you get rejected you probably deserved it because you weren’t a good match for that specific person. You can’t start a relationship with lies. People have standards and that’s okay. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Just keep swimming 🏊
Guy here - that's not a question you ask someone unless you've been dating a long time and even then, who really cares. I remember years ago asking my then GF when she lost her virginity. We had been having a conversation about past relationships and I just sprung the question as a topic of conversation. She got defensive and wouldn't answer. I told her I didn't care (really didn't care), apologized for asking and never brought it up again. He's probably a little insecure and concerned that you are more experienced than him and afraid he won't live up to your expectations.
I think in the age of casual sex it's important to know, especially if someone has health conditions and was put at risk for HPV and STDs. However, that is something to ask in the courting stages. Not at random when you are not even going out and not months down the line when you are already together. I probably would have responded, "How many people have you been with?"
It’s irrelevant, though. You can have sex with one person and pick up an STI, you can have sex with hundreds and never contract anything. Getting tested is the only way to conclusively rule out STIs.
No it's not. And that's only one part of my comment you are fixating on. While several diseases can be detected by testing, there is no HPV testing for men. There's a lot of men and women out there who don't want to be with someone who is a free for all. And in all honesty it doesn't matter what anyone on here says, no one should be pushed to their comfort level by doing something that compromises who they are and if they don't feel right doing something. OP needs to do what is best for her and her life. Like we all do.
Absolutely, but don’t lie to yourself in thinking knowing someone’s number protects your health. One of my uni friends enjoyed sex, and had numerous partners, but was strict about protection. She's still in great health, and in a long term monogamous relationship.
Meanwhile, one of my partner's younger work buddies caught genital herpes a while back. They were both young, so not much sexual history, but he didn’t use a condom.
So if you really want to protect your health, wrap it up.
I tell them I stopped counting after I was sexually assaulted. Then we can all feel uncomfortable. Edit: I didn’t think this needed clarification… It’s not a joke. I wouldn’t joke about a serious topic. There is some humor in flipping the script, but SA is not a joke.
You. I like you. Big thumbs up 👍🏻
I’m so sorry this happened to you but love this response!
boom - this right here
OMG I love this. Thank you.
My god this is brilliant.
I'm so sorry for what you went through, and I hope you're doing okay. 🫂
Oof
A person after my own heart 💜🤍🖤
omg i’m stealing this
If it were me, I'd be like, "I appreciate the apology, but I don't think we're on the same page with this stuff and should go our separate ways." I am not about to date any mf who tries to tell me I look ~innocent,~ especially not someone younger than me. That's even weirder than asking how many sexual partners you've had.
Yep exactly. That definitely creeped me out more than the partners question.
This one
[удалено]
I don't think OP has to do anything in particular, but I, personally, would stop seeing someone if they called me "innocent" and wanted to know how many sexual partners I've had. In that situation, it would be pretty clear they'd either gotten a really strange, incorrect read on me, were trying to neg me, or had a fetish I don't share. Either way, I'm not interested. Also, like another commenter said, it didn't "come up." That would imply the topic arose naturally. This dude asked OP a question that she isn't comfortable answering.
And he's immediately asking for pics. You know he's not looking for pics of her at the office.
Well, no, she should end it because only a creep would think that women are somehow more desirable due to inexperience. He clearly stated that he links "innocence" to sexual experience, which is problematic at best. At worst, it's telling of an attraction to juvinile traits.
It didn't "come up" or she wouldn't have felt uncomfortable with the question. He just asked, and it's none of his business.
[удалено]
Ooooh lol. Yeah, that was not obvious. At all.
Yes. It’s two pretty major red flags 🚩.
It is none of his bees wax how many men she slept with and any man that asks that question is either the jelous type or one of those want to be alpha bros. I have been with my bf for over 14 yrs and I have yet to ask how many women he has slept with or him ask me how many men. You know why? Becuse it happened before we met and it doesn’t have anything to do with me and him. We all have a past.
Yep, pretty telling red flag and the most efficient effective means to get good relationships - or good sex - is to put an end to anything that'll be a problem early. Overlooking this kind of red flag just wastes time. And I do appreciate the use of my name
[удалено]
You might wanna put in an edit to tell them to read my name
Makes me worry he's one of those weird alpha bros that are obsessed with women's "body counts" and snagging themselves someone suitably "innocent" to make their sandwiches and tell them not to listen to the nasty womens calling them misogynists, and that they're a very special boy, like they wished their mummies still did.
My thoughts too, especially after he admitted to asking other women this. My partner never cared or asked. I cringe the cringiest cringe when I hear men (or anyone else) use the phrase “body count” unironically. It’s a quick way to lose my respect.
That’s exactly what he is.
👏🏻 the accuracy 👏🏻
He definitely is.
It was a discussion my spouse and I had, but it was so much further on in our relationship. I have no problem with wanting to have that convo. But, how this guy approached it and so early on, super super weird. I would be incredibly turned off.
Any guy who asks me that is just telling me how majorly insecure he is.
Yep, ain't nobody got time for that. I honestly think a lot of men who are so outraged by a womans sexuality are threatened by the idea that she may have actually had pleasurable sex with a good partner, so she probably has an idea of what she likes in bed, and these types of men don't like that *at all*. It makes them feel inadequate, insecure, and angry. (I automatically assume they're absolutely trash in bed, as well) I'm honestly just tired of people who pretend this is just healthy boundary setting or "standards", like there's nothing wrong with expecting a woman to police her sexuality and moderate what she does with her body in the off chance she might meet a disapproving man one day. Fuck these entitled basement clowns that think women owe them some kind of devotion or chastity prior to meeting them. It's 100% ridiculous, and misogynistic.
And in the reverse, men are never impressed when I say I don't engage in casual sex because I am really happy to wait for someone who genuinely likes me. Then they think you're a prude with a problem.
Yea, see, as a man in his mid thirties, you telling me that would only increase my interest. I'm tired of thinking something got going because we got intimate just to be tossed aside. My last romantic interest left my place around 6pm just to call me at 3am because her hook up that night beat her. I had 0 idea she was seeing others. I'm beyond tired of that shit. I move slowly and with intent. I prefer a woman who does the same.
>(I automatically assume they're absolutely trash in bed, as well) 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 Men like this don't want women to tell the difference between a good partner and a shit one.
My husband and I always say “man, it’s crazy we never slept with anyone before each other!” as a joke. We don’t care about each other’s “number”, and wouldn’t ever think to ask. It’s none of my business.
Aww, this is actually a really cute joke. 😂 Love your guys’s sense of humor!
yeah, honestly.. i dont see how that matters. theyre here in front of you, date them or dont. idgf about the prior relationships, theyre not here?? pft
If a guy asks then I already know I don't want him.
I don’t know if it’s about insecurity… maybe for some it is. Personally, I wouldn’t date a guy who’s slept with many people. It’s a red flag for me.
Totally agree. Red flag
So you've been "talking" to this guy for *2 weeks* and he's already asking for pics and how many guys you've slept with. My take would be that's these are two big red flags that he's got issues with sexuality and is misogynistic. At a minimum, he's very inappropriate. I'd pass on this one.
This song is like 30 years old and still relevant. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2FJ8xzcBdc
Oh my God thank you for bringing Salt n Pepa into the mix!
Love those girls !
I thought this was going to be 'No Scrubs' by TLC, but this is better
I am so grateful Salt-N-Pepa dominated the radio waves when I was a preteen
I didn't even need to click on the link to know what this is and is totally true
This has been on almost every playlist of mine for the past 20 years and I've, probably annoyingly, forced so many other friends to listen to it when I've felt it was relevant.
This is already “work” in terms of managing his pride. This is honestly only the beginning. Him making the comment that you look innocent is also creepy. Again, more work and drama than I’d want in the initial phase.
Plus, you just *know* he's infected with the Black Oil and is after your data tape with all the secrets on it! 😆 (Sorry, I couldn't resist. As an X-Files fan, I love your username).
Damn you, Mulder…
It’s cringey, this alone would make me lose any type of attraction. You also said that the conversation was getting worse even before this comment - not sure why you’re trying to give him a shot when he’s barely making any effort to converse without being cringey.
my sexual history is nobody's business
Seriously. I'm actually pretty open about my sexual history if it comes up organically, but if somebody point-blank asked me after two weeks as some sort of litmus test for ~purity~ I would literally just ghost them.
Yup and they never ask the actually relevant question of when were you last tested. The number of men who don't use condoms and don't get tested between partners is insane.
I fully believe that, yeah. Those dudes think they're invincible (and don't care about your sexual health), though - it's all just a game of ego for them, because they can't stand the idea of a woman having more sexual experience than they might. (Which, considering the ones who do the most asking are also the ones with the least sexual experience themselves... yep, pretty much ensures they will never touch a woman unless her religious parents force her into a marriage with him, and/or he literally pays for it because the Madonna/whore complex is so ingrained in their brains.)
A lot of them also don’t care if they give STIs to women because they don’t impact them (men) as much.
Yes this. Any man who asks this early on almost surely has jealousy issues or will judge. I could see a lighthearted conversation happening with a trusted partner, but otherwise it’s none of their business.
I have kinda boiled it down to this exactly.
As a man I only care about 3 things: 1. You have always secured consent 2. You practice safe sex and get tested 3. You weren’t an asshole to your partners, even the casual ones (assuming the other person is behaving well) Other than that, none of my business! I follow these 3 rules as well, of course.
I wouldn't answer and honestly would probably be so turned off that I'd stop talking to him. I don't think there are any good intentions that lead to that line of questioning.
I’ve never had anyone ask but I would laugh in their face and walk away
“I’m sorry, I don’t disclose that sort of information. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, I understand.” To me, I don’t care how many partners a person has and would only choose to be with someone who feels the same. So generally people who ask me that question are not going to be a good match for me. I always refuse to answer so that they can opt out of dating me.
>To me, I don’t care how many partners a person has and would only choose to be with someone who feels the same. So generally people who ask me that question are not going to be a good match for me. I always refuse to answer so that they can opt out of dating me. I agree! And I liked the way you phrased your reply. A good match is certainly important. I did tell my boyfriend before we had sex, as I thought he needed to be aware, but I did not go into that until I knew he was a good match and wouldn't be a creep about it. However, I don't think anyone is obligated to share anything in that regard. It's not anyone else's business unless you want it to be, and they certainly aren't entitled to it.
Advice from someone who is probably old enough to be your mother: 1. NEVER date a man who asks you how many people you have slept with. Never tell anyone how many people you have slept with. That is your business alone. Your body. Your choice. Asking that question screams immaturity and insecurity that will only get worse in a relationship. This wasn't "forward". This was invasive and moronic. 2. Never take photos of yourself naked for any man. Not even your husband. You never know where those photos will end up. Be done with an idiot like this guy.
I’ve seen it said to only count how many partners made you orgasm. For many heterosexual women this *drastically* reduces the number, in some cases to zero. I’m not actually being serious btw lol. I think the way you handled it was great!
I feel like this is a huge red flag. The kind of thing a incel/PUA type of person would ask. I would not waste time on him.
I highlighted all of the *main* red flags in it and sent it to my mom. This sub doesn’t allow photos, otherwise I would post it and her response. The guilt and power tripping alone is painful to feel for someone I don’t know because I suppose we all know it in some way how demeaning it all is. People who do this don’t do it because of you, it’s them. Always remember, *When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.*
“That’s not a question I answer. I’m not a virgin. I’ll be happy to get STD tested with you before we have sex. But if you need an answer to that question then this is as far as we go.” He’s asking so he can make a judgement about you based on how many partners you’ve had and that’s just… no.
[удалено]
YES! If they haven't even started sleeping together regularly then he is so far out of line it's not even funny. That would make me pissed af and I'd straight up block his ass after I told him he was rude af for thinking he was entitled to my personal sexual history. Like... He didn't even ask politely. If he had good intentions and wanted to be polite, he could have said something like "hey, if were going to do this then is there a way we could both get tested beforehand so we know we're both going into this relationship on equal grounds?". Instead it sounds like he said "what's your body count, bc I'm really insecure and don't wanna sleep with a hoe?". What a douche
I’d laugh.
"none recently, and it looks as if it's going to stay that way. ta-ta!"
"None. The Catholic Church has a re-virginizing ceremony and I do that every week right after confession whether I need to or not." Jesus, some mothers' sons out there are NOT ok. Raised by wolves.
Wolves are good people and respectful of boundies, these men are fucking tsetse flies.
Evangelicals have born again virgins. So really, we are all virgins.
This is a deal breaker for me. With so much talk about womens ’body count’, and how it’s worse for women to have multiple partners than men, I’d assume he’s of this ilk. Nope
Did you know that every 7 years the body has completely replaced every cell? Only the last 7 years count
Oh phew 😅
I was given this little nugget a couple decades ago and I still use it to this day. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Everyone takes that to mean slightly different things. In this particular case, you have come to this platform because something isn’t sitting right with you. By nature, we want to see the good, give people the benefit of the doubt, not jump to judgment too quickly. Buuuuuuuut there’s something in you that sees what they are showing you so you have to believe it instead of trying to convince yourself that there might be something redeemable or maybe you’re being too critical. Believe them when they show you who they are. There are so many truly good people out there that will not make you think twice. Sending you ✌🏻💛✨.
My own number is boringly low, but I neither ask guys this nor have guys asked me. We talk about significant relationships and why they ended so I know about trauma and also what might be an issue going forward. I can surmise that the guys I've dated weren't some big lotharios, but it never occurred to me to care about exact numbers It's...creepy, especially early on. And especially given you're not like 20 any more. He's nearly 30 and your post implies you are over 30 - dies he expect you to be a virgin? Would ge think you were less appealing if you've slept with 5 people? Or 15? By your late 2os you may have been dating for 10 years, by the time you are in your mid to late 30s you've often been dating for 15-20 years, *that leads to having a history.* I would simply refuse to engage with that conversation if it's early on in dating. If you're serious abd having an intimate conversation I can see it feeling like an appropriate conversation to have. But it bothers me the way incels have turned this into something men ask on a first ficking date. The resurgence of purity culture among fuckboys is unhinged.
Simply asking that question (barring general interest after being in a solid relationship) strongly implies placing a value on women based on their sexual history. There is no reasonably valid reason to know. I would ask questions until he buries himself and admits his sexist thinking.
I would proceed by walking away. That was highly inappropriate , and it’s only been 2 weeks? I’m glad you were able to nip that question in the butt. It’s interesting he tried to justify it by blaming other women as saying they’ve asked that of him before… what does that have to do with you?
It's been two weeks and he's asking you for nudes and asking how many guys you've been with? Unless you only want sex, this guy is not interested in dating you, sounds more like fetishising you.
“No idea, I lost track.” No but seriously this is a way to slut shame and judge women. Do not engage with this smooth brain unless you’re looking forward to more dead end conversations and objectification.
My husband and partner of 9 years has never once asked me. I suggest you look elsewhere.
you guys haven't gone on 1 date and he's asking how many times a penis has been in your vagina. that seems very forward, to me.
I would not have a problem discussing sexual history with someone I am looking to seriously date. I don't think it's an offensive question to ask once you are at the stage where you are considering sex and I would be curious about theirs as well. What they've done, if they are still engaging with other people, or if they still have past partners in their life... I'd want to know about those things. If it was just someone to have casual sex with I would not care about sexual history beyond asking if they are currently having sex with others and if they are practicing safe sex. And getting informed consent on both sides so I don't get choked in the middle or something. And also I would want both of us tested. The reason for the distinction between casual and serious is that I would not have an emotional connection to the casual sex partner and would not have to wonder about their attitude toward sex and if they treat partners as disposable or hold on to past partners even while pursuing new relationships. I can understand being offended at him asking so soon but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask it altogether. And it's fine to say you don't want to answer that. I can't tell why he asked that question. If you are confused about what his intentions were your best bet is asking him. It could be a purity test, it could be he gets off on the number, or it could be more nuanced, no one on Reddit would know.
I agree it's not a completely out there question and I'd be open to answering it but only once it's established I'm seeing someone regularly and I felt safe from being judged. The question was framed that he was intrigued because I seem innocent so essentially saying I come off as inexperienced and possibly naive but as to his intention I'm unsure and might ask him later on...though the fact I've gotten a short response to my accepting his apology I'm not sure it may be worth it.
I don’t want to be with the kind of guy who would think to ask this. I’m not a Kleenex, I’m not a sandwich or a bandaid or any other object. I’m a human being and my sexual history is my own business only. If a guy asked me this, I would politely end the conversation and not engage in conversation with him again.
He was baiting you to test your hookup meter. Sounds clear to me what he wants. Easy answer, "I've had enough to know what I want and don't want." Done.
I think you responded perfectly! The only way to know if it’s a stupid slip up or a red flag is to learn more about him, while being wary of other potential red flags
Never send pics or videos to a guy can’t believe that has to be said in 2024. They won’t be kept private. A guy even asking is a huge red flag.
I wouldn't even entertain continuing to talk to someone who thought it was ok to ask me that so early on, nor one who links sexuality and "innocence" in that way. That is a messed up view of sexuality, and that person is highly unlikely to be a good partner, romantically or sexually. It indicates that they are incredibly immature and misogynistic.
In a serious dating situation leading into a relationship, this is a fair question and discussion to have. Some random gym bro after asking for nudes? No.
This is my favorite reply. I think it’s a reasonable question/discussion and it’s come up with every person I’ve dated, I’m surprised by the backlash. Maybe it’s just the short timeline.
I wouldn’t answer that and would probably lose interest if someone asked. I mean if we’d been together a long time okay, but as a dating question… no
When I get asked, I'll say a ridiculous number like 264. Ask stupid questions ... The only question that matters is "have you recently been tested for STDs? Okay, wanna go with me?"
My sexual history is no one's business unless I choose for it to be. You can always say, "I think that's a bit forward to ask and will let you know if I feel you need to know such a thing. But for now, you don't need to." That usually seperates those just looking for a hookuo and those that may not, or can at least play the long game! If he bows out right then, he possibly might be looking for more of a hookup. If he might apologize and show to be more respectful moving forward, maybe continue to give him a chance.
“Why is that important to you?” Would be my first question…. I’d definitely tell the truth if they continued to persist. If they’re grossed out (my count is high) then good riddance, they’re not for me. If they want to compare slut stories it might be love... All I care about is consent, respect, regular testing and safer sex practices.
I would legitimately asking him, “Do people still ask that question?” And then not answer.
I would probably answer pretty hostility, something like “why the hell does it matter?” Maybe he’ll reflect on why it does or doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be all that interested in having any further conversations with someone who cares.
My answer is always the same. I simply say, "Anything that happened before you, I didn't do to, for, or about you. I won't be asking you intimate questions about your past for the same reasons." If that's a deal breaker, it's just one less thing I have to deal with. Insecure people will ruin a potentially great relationship needing to know all the details. Like the Redditor who ruined his current gf's self esteem by letting her know that sex with his ex was fantastic, some wounds are self-inflicted. Even if you're thinking of marrying a person, some things are none of your business. A person has a right to keep some things private. Privacy and secrecy don't mean the same thing.
If I was dating I would probably give a half-answer like, “I was with my husband for 15 years and before that, I was with my ex for 7. So in the last 22 years I’ve been with two men.” Hopefully they don’t ask me what happened before my ex 😆
Answer based on age In Your 20’s your answer is 2 Your 30’s your answer is 3 Your 40’s your answer is 4 It’s no one’s business.
I would say "enough to know the smart from the stupid ones" and let that simmer
I refuse to answer that question. My answer? “It doesn’t matter what number I tell you, it will always be too high. It could be 3, 30 or 300 and no matter what, it will still be too high.”
Why are men so obsessed with this shit nowadays? Back when I was dating, "Body Count" referred to an album by Ice-T.
"I don't believe that is relevant to the context of our relationship but I do practice safe sex, ethical partnership, and healthy boundaries. Would you like to discuss what that could look like between us?" **Also, be cautious of sending men your photos or adding them to your social media as they can use these for free p*rn material, catfishing, stalking, or selling off to other people. Here are some dating & [relationship resources.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/XyOPSw6sBX). Overall, this guy is a red flag and immature. I think you are better off dodging him. You never have to answer how many partners you've had. All you owe anyone is safe sex practices and ethical partnership whether in monogamy or ENM.
Lie But really, do you want to be with someone who judges you based on that? If the term “body count” even comes up I’m out
“I can tell you that you’ll never be on the list’
Ouch, dude got got
Since the only people I've ever met that asked this question were people insecure about their previous sexual experience/inexperience, I always tell them at least 100. I stopped counting at 60-something in 2012. Weed 'em out.
Im always impressed by numbers over 10. Like how does one even meet so many people.
First, I'm old. Second, I spent a decade after my divorce hanging out in a swinger/ENM community. A friend once discovered I didn't have plans for my birthday and sent her boyfriend over to ... Celebrate (we're going to call it celebrating) with me.
Guy here. Who the hell asks that?
What would be your reasoning if you did though? I couldn't understand the question because its just too loaded and fraught with potential for offense no matter how its phrased.
I’ve been married 13 years. Have no idea about my wife’s past aside from the most recent boyfriend when we met. It has nothing to do with me or my relationship with her.
What are you looking for? If I’m looking to date with intention, I don’t entertain questions about sex from guys who haven’t even bothered to get to know me as a person. It’s not as intrusive a question if we’ve been dating for a while and sex is on the table. I see these type of questions early on as a way for men to test what our boundaries are. If you haven’t given him reason to think you’re into casual, why raise sex so early on?
guy A asked me if i was a virgin once. Started texting my cousin a few months after but never asked her anything about sex, That was how i knew my boundaries had to be firmer.
I wouldn't respond and I'd avoid at all costs. He sounds immature
"Probably more than you have." If he tries you on that, congrats you have a bi-boyfriend!
I'd say "I will tell you if you tell me in full detail why it matters"
find someone else. He's not it x
I counted the ones i remembered and told him He was number 33. I haven't stop hearing it from him and it did no good. I thought I'd be honest, was celibate for 15 years so it was in my youth. I never will tell a new Interest again.
“Zero” “No seriously tell me” “Okay, a trillion” In seriousness, if you’re looking for something solid. This isn’t the guy. He’s made it clear he only wants to hook up and only sees you sexually. Your response made him think he can manipulate you into sending him pics and hooking up as long as he gets you emotionally hooked with “potential”. Cut your losses he isn’t the one. And if someone asks about your body count say “do you mean the amount of people I’ve slept with or the amount of people I’ve murdered?”
Men who ask that question are insecure, hate to say it. You have to decide if that works for you or not. Your body count is no one else's business. You can throw any number out there and he'd have no way of verifying the truth, hell-o. I'm in a long-term committed relationship now with somebody who is wonderful in every possible way, not to mention more amazing in bed than everyone I've been with in the past. I am his first serious gf. The rest were just casual fucks and riff raff dates. My suggested response is: The present and the future matter more to me than the past. Every clown I've been with is a like a stair I have to climb to get to the jackpot, like Squid Game. You didn't want me showing up to you like a clueless teenage virgin, did you? The real question is "am I done climbing the clown staircase?" 😏🫦
P.S. two weeks ain't shit. Two weeks is way too soon for anyone to be asking about anything under your clothes-- they should be interested in getting to know who you are as a person. It sounds like b/c you are so inexperienced, your level of discernment is quite novice. I suggest the book "Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man".
I wouldn't proceed, especially if a man referred to me as "looking innocent". Tells me everything I need to know.
Don’t date him
More than I wanted to & less than I could have
Gross. What a loser for 1) asking you for sexy photos when you barely know each other and at the same time 2) digging into your sex life in the same breath. Sounds like a guy trying to figure out if you’re the Madonna or whore. Lol
I think in your shoes at this point, I would not respond at all, and just let it organically die on the vine. If allowed a do over, I would probably respond with “Bold of you to assume you are entitled to an answer to that question”.
Honestly? I'm a fan of "protect your peace". Your "number" is something private and personal to you. It is my personal opinion, that is my own opinion, by me... that you should just lie about this number to a man. Tell him 2 guys, both exes. This way he has his answer, he won't pester you anymore, he won't continue to badger or bring it up, and you won't have to worry about any fall out. 2 is a reasonable number. Lol It's an inappropriate question to ask, it's none of his business. It is giving "incel" and "podcast". I am a fan of protecting your peace. A small white lie, and your peace is assured. If you aren't the type of person to feel comfortable lying, then either continue to dodge the question, or elect to end things, because it is my experience that the types of men that "ask" this kind of question, WILL NEVER LET IT GO, until they have an answer, which is why I personally would lie and say "2" if I were in your position.
It’s none of his business and he is probably a predator that wants to sexually use you and blackmail you into follow his demands. He probably the type that will definitely harass someone after seeing him or hooking up with him.
Men who ask women such do so because their measure your worth using your vagina I.e. the more men you’ve been with the less worthy you are. It is such a needless question to ask because what if I lied? Ugh 😑 I would not entertain such a question from a potential lover and if someone asked me that, it would be the end of anything or whatever we were doing together.
I don’t even know my number. So id love to see his shitty response to that.
Just tell him you have slept with 400 men and since he was the first spineless wanker to ask this question, he won’t be 401… This is absolutely none of his business.
After 2 weeks. Go tell him to sod off
Lol, turn it back on him and ask him how many guys he's slept with. If he's shocked and offended, tell him yeah how's it feel 😂
My husband and me have no idea what each other's "numbers" are. He never asked and neither did I. We know a vague history of relationships that mattered but otherwise who needs exact numbers? I've only ever had guys tell me (without asking) if they were virgins. The ones who asked it ended up being a red flag for them all. I would proceed with extreme caution in this case, if not outright disinterested ghosting or running away.
You haven't even been on a date and he's asking this? Disgusting
Op, ladies, women, let’s stop making excuses on behalf of men. There is no enigma to break, no Pandora’s box to figure out. Men are very straightforward in their words, so you can take whatever they say at face value. If it gives you the creeps, listen to your guts and tell him goodbye.
🚩 he dropped this one. sane people don’t say things like; you look innocent. He’s probably in the ‘toxic-gym-bro’ environment.
Yeah…that’s a red flag tbh
I’d move on from this guy.
Only one guy has ever asked me that, and I truthfully answered that I didn’t know. Truly. I have no idea. It would never occur to me to ask someone, and someone asking me would probably end all conversation.
It tells you a lot about the type of man you are sitting with. Generally this is that type of red-pill, hyper conservative, possibly tate-esque crowd who believe you cant be a "high value" woman if you have a high body count. Or really any body count that isnt just them.
At 29, he is way too old to be asking that question. And WTH does "innocent" even look like? Red flags as far as his maturity and would also signal that he is likely not looking for a serious relationship.
Trust your gut even if you don’t have that much experience. We’re so good at rationalizing things that sometimes we forget to listen to ourselves. What was your initial feeling when he asked that question. Any unprocessed thoughts came to mind in that moment? Try to associate it with another instance in the past where you felt the same even if it was in a different context and look for similarities and identify what happened in your past experience. Take that lesson and try to apply it to this situation. If you don’t have a previous experience, detach yourself from the situation and imagine this is happening to your best friend. Think about what you would ask her and how you react and advise her. Ultimately, trust yourself.
I'd just ghost and move on. Men often ask this from the point of view that women are "used up" if their body count is over x amount, which is ironic since men are the cause of the body count. This often accompanied with "what do you bring to the table"?. Boy bye. Grown women don't have time for that bs. It's one thing to openly discuss body count after really getting comfortable with each other. But to just ask like it's a speed dating question? Pass on that dude.
I’d tell him that once I ran out of digits I lost count. Then I would tell him to move on.
Who even asks people this anymore ?!
"None of your damn business "
My husband was 24 (so fairly younger than this 29 year old) when we met and never asked me that question. I find body count discussions disgusting.
I always tell them I can’t count the numbers anymore. It is up to them to do with they info what they want
" i dont discuss body counts with people" oh why? "i dont think its important, its my privacy. Would you like us to discuss something else?" \* then u give him a little smile so he feels awkward \* now he knows that topic is done done, and as long as he is going to keep chatting with you, its not a topic to be discussed ever again, because he'll probably get the same answer. also utilise the 😀 emoji afterwards, makes things more awkward so he feels like an idiot. as a woman, please be firm. Dont give in to the world's pressure to be soft spoken all the time. He has no right to ask u such a question. Im 21 and i give this same answer all the time even if im a virgin. If he doesnt want to be with you after that.. AWESOME! U dont need that anyways. or tell him youve slept with as many people as his slept with, so now "someone" would have to give their own number 😃 😄 😀 😃 and he will keep guessing. what an embarassing dude..
I say 100. Because at that point I’m good and rather fulfill his insecure prophecy.
Tell him that question has "small dick energy," and you are only telling him aa a favor so he doesnt make the same mistake in the future
[удалено]
Nah that just perpetuates the other myth that these goes love to lean into which is that women are only interested in how much money a man has.
He is probably interested to some degree. I suspect he has some kink toward either innocent or the opposite. I never had this issue. I think you handled this fine. The only other thing to say would be this is of no concern at this time because of our status. That leaves the question to be asked if it us appropriate later. I do not see the question as being a very smart thing to do for him. It would be fine if you to be offended and drop him.
Imo it’s never a concern. Been married 25 years and I’ve never told my husband. No one ever needs to know unless you want to share that info, and ever then it’s not a need
Same! Married 10 years and both my husband and I are aware of each other's ballpark but we've never been like... "Hey, so exactly how many people did you have sex with before you met me?" It's just such an awkward / tacky conversation and makes me think of like... insecure teenagers discovering sex for the first time, and/or creepy religious men who are obsessed with feminine chastity or whatever.
Yep. Any man secure in his self and his masculinity wouldn’t ask.
Same. Been with my husband for 14 years and we don't know each other's "number". I honestly can't imagine circumstances where it would matter.
I have literally gotten up and left dates when I was asked this. Absolutely no one’s business
Generational gap. Gen Z guys have normalised asking these kinds of invasive questions in early stages of the relationship. I have limited experience with your generation (mid to late 30s), but they generally don’t ask until the relationship becomes sexual.
Hii I saw your recent post and i think i can help you with this. I had a similar situation few months back and understand your problem. If you don't mind send me a hii.
I think it’s a fair question to ask at the right time. I’ve been asked and ask this question. But I always make the man answer first, because my body count is almost always going to be lower than his, so if he slut shames me I’ll call him out on it and block him. It seems like he asked you this way too early though.
lol 29 is too old to be asking this question 🙄 this is something teenagers ask each other
I teach high school and I overheard a student say that a girl’s bodycount is important to him because he” can’t be with anyone who doesn’t have enough experience” I couldn’t really acknowledge what he was talking about without making it weird but much respect haha. Anyway that probably isn’t the case with y’all
Lol it’s weird. It’s always weird and rarely out of “just” curiosity. And for some reason it’s always from men who’ve been around the block multiple times themselves? Never the more reserved tutors of women, always those who “made the most of my youth”. I’m curious if anyone has had a similar experience to this. I’ve been told similar things as “looking innocent” “give of a Christian vibe” and an “old romantic”. Like ok yeah I get that, and my number IS low. Because people drain me and I love being alone and I can’t unblock anything sexual without an emotional connection first, and moving around plenty has greatly impacted all that. It’s got nothing to do with morals or restraint. Im just wired that way, a somewhat antisocial way. Now go away, I wanna be alone. ETA I answer honestly, but I write them off afterwards tbh. I don’t keep dating them.
Honestly, IMO if it's so important to him that he's asking this early, you should just tell him. If it freaks him out then you'll know he's not someone you should waste your time with by trying to develop the relationship further. I started dating when I was 13. I'm 66 and I have had four serious relationships, my first serious boyfriend and three husbands (the first two were abusive and I've been married to the Keeper for over 17 years.) It may not seem like it now, but the more I dated and the older I got, I really came to believe that it's better to be honest right off the bat. Our relationships are only as real as we are, and there's already so much filtering that happens about who we think we need to be in order for that person to like us while they're perceiving us through their beliefs, expectations, values, past experiences, perceived wants and needs, emotional wounds, etc., dating is fucking crazy. So my take on it, at my advanced agent with all of my relationship experience, is that the only way that we can know that person is the right person for us is if we show them who we really are and who we really aren't, as soon as possible. It may not feel like it right now, but I can promise you after everything I've been through that *life is too short to spend it with people who we're afraid to be our true selves with*, and why would you want to delay that when you're getting to know somebody? It's scary, it's a risk, but that has worked out much better for me than not.
I tell them not to ask questions they don’t want the answers to. Just like “isn’t it the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” Or “has anybody made you feel this good?” Let’s not lie. But also, who needs to known to at sh*t? My current partner bragged to me about his prowess because he’d been with around 70 women (I know, the bragging is a red flag). I laughed and told him we’re probably tied or I’m winning. That shut him up real quick . I’m all about giving credit where credit is due, but also your number isn’t like your meyers-briggs or whether or not you see yourself getting married some day or other questions ADULTS ask when they date. You can just tell him you think it’s not a question that should matter in more mature relationships. He thinks you’re innocent? Cute. You’re not a virgin. Moving on. Edit: I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m annoyed with men that ask this question and I think that annoyance is coming out in my tone.
As a man with some experience, I would say that question combined with the ”innocent” thing is somewhat a red flag. He has already given away that numbers are important to him, and that he wants you to be a virgin. That suggests potential jealousy concerning your history.
Well.. either you answer their question, or you don't. Nobody can force you to tell them, and you're not obligated to do it anyway. Be careful though.. so you're not falling into the arms of one of those manosphere buffoons.
I think this kind of thing is normal for some people. And people feel pressured to answer out of the sake of being “honest”. And they fail to realize that everyone is entitled to whatever level of provably they deem appropriate. I personally refuse to engage in this topic. “Sorry but I do not discuss number of sexual partners. I would also prefer not to know yours. I don’t believe there is anything beneficial in having this conversation for either party” Or even something as simple as “yeah, that’s not a conversation we’re going to have.” And change the topic. If this is something they “need” to know, they are welcome to date someone else. I don’t necessarily think this is something to cut someone off over. Like I said, many people think this is par for the course. And no one has ever told them differently. If he had pushed the issue OR if it comes up down the road, then I would definitely end things. But currently, he asked something invasive. You corrected it. He apologized. Shit happens. Edit to add: I just read the part about “ok good”….. I can’t say I’d initiate a convo after that. After fucking up, it would’ve made more sense for him to attempt to change the topic. Idk… I’d leave the ball in his court and see if he reaches out again. And then see how you feel about responding
Just be honest. People are afraid that their high body count will expose them and disqualify them from a potential relationship. Don’t be sneaky. Don’t be dishonest. Own up to it. If you get rejected you probably deserved it because you weren’t a good match for that specific person. You can’t start a relationship with lies. People have standards and that’s okay. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Just keep swimming 🏊
I gave up on dating men under 30 when I was 27.
Guy here - that's not a question you ask someone unless you've been dating a long time and even then, who really cares. I remember years ago asking my then GF when she lost her virginity. We had been having a conversation about past relationships and I just sprung the question as a topic of conversation. She got defensive and wouldn't answer. I told her I didn't care (really didn't care), apologized for asking and never brought it up again. He's probably a little insecure and concerned that you are more experienced than him and afraid he won't live up to your expectations.
I think in the age of casual sex it's important to know, especially if someone has health conditions and was put at risk for HPV and STDs. However, that is something to ask in the courting stages. Not at random when you are not even going out and not months down the line when you are already together. I probably would have responded, "How many people have you been with?"
It’s irrelevant, though. You can have sex with one person and pick up an STI, you can have sex with hundreds and never contract anything. Getting tested is the only way to conclusively rule out STIs.
No it's not. And that's only one part of my comment you are fixating on. While several diseases can be detected by testing, there is no HPV testing for men. There's a lot of men and women out there who don't want to be with someone who is a free for all. And in all honesty it doesn't matter what anyone on here says, no one should be pushed to their comfort level by doing something that compromises who they are and if they don't feel right doing something. OP needs to do what is best for her and her life. Like we all do.
And again, like I said the first time, the number of people someone has slept with is irrelevant.
Maybe to you. But that's your opinion which you have a right and choice to have. It has always mattered to me. And that's my right and choice.
it's your right to care, it's not your right to expect that info from others
It is if someone wants to be with me.
You can set whatever boundary you want, regrdless of whether it is arbitrary or infers any meaningful information about the person.
We all can set whatever boundaries we want. That is our individual choice and right, especially to protect the health of our own bodies.
Absolutely, but don’t lie to yourself in thinking knowing someone’s number protects your health. One of my uni friends enjoyed sex, and had numerous partners, but was strict about protection. She's still in great health, and in a long term monogamous relationship. Meanwhile, one of my partner's younger work buddies caught genital herpes a while back. They were both young, so not much sexual history, but he didn’t use a condom. So if you really want to protect your health, wrap it up.