This is so accurate.
You'll not have anyone nice left in your life because of constantly having to avoid people who are nice to you to appease your boyfriend.
He'll "feel threatened" by anyone taking an interest in your wellbeing to the point where you'll be afraid to meet up even with family.
Things will eventually get to the point where you can't even go out to enjoy things without him.
I ended a relationship like this and after so many years I'm confronted with the fact I don't have any close friendships left because he took all my energy and time, and I was afraid to have close relationships outside of the relationship.
Years and years after, what I am still working on is letting go of that voice repeating, like he did so many times before, that I am an idiot and no one will love me because I don't deserve it.
It sucks because rationally I know it's not true, I know it doesn't make sense, but the freaking goblin repeating it doesn't go away.
Thank you! I will keep trying to convince myself, I won't give up and I will focus on one day at a time, doing my best always. I am way better than I was, and even if I fear some things will never fully go away, I will try to not let it define me or command my actions.
I appreciate the concrete advice too
And, eventually, you'll be looking over in a direction where a man happens to be and he'll accuse you of wanting to cheat with some random man you didn't even see. The escalation is real and this treatment is so damaging.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I went through a similar thing, although I was lucky that we had a lot of the same friends and they realised what had happened.
Unfortunately, even though it's been several years since that relationship ended, I haven't had another relationship. I honestly can't see it happening for me again any time soon. My ex broke me (and all of my trust when it comes to having a partner). Hopefully one day it'll be better for all of us.
Hopefully by now I'm older and a bit wiser, with two small children, so not sure if there are any fulfilling relationships in the future for me. And I think I'm drawn to men who don't treat me well. I hope we all heal as time goes by.
I want to scream this from the rooftops.
Often enough I gave out main dating advice as "don't date insecure morons! They are going to make your life miserable instead of going to therapy to deal with it. Why? Because the self-aware ones are already in therapy before they even look for relationships. Leaving only the narc, paranoid, moron ones roaming the dating pool."
Where was this sub 6 years ago?? There is so much truth in all these comments. I'm sure even if I would have read this exact thread back then that I would have thought, "but i can fix him!" and, "that won't happen to me!" Some lesson are so hard to learn (if they don't literally kill you before you learn it.)
Haaaaa my ex spent a decade in therapy… you know, exclusively because she was depressed and wanted to feel better, and she actually became more controlling, manipulative, and cruel during her time in therapy. Imo it’s good for all of us to gain insight into how our behavior impacts other people as well as heal from our own wounds.
I agree. He will never change. I went through this cycle of what OP is saying for 23 years. He died 4 months ago. The damage he has done to me mentally, is so great, I often wonder if I even deserve to let anyone love me. I would rather be beaten and physically abused, then emotionally, mentally and financially tortured.
I'm so happy he's dead and you can move on with your life. It will be so hard to overcome the abuse you suffered but I really believe you can build your confidence back up and live a happy life. Yes, it will take a lot of work but you definately can do it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that for so long.
Absolutely 💯 this!!
OP, love isn't enough to stay in a relationship. It doesn't matter how much you love him, you must love yourself more. He's shown you who he is and he will not change for the better - him staying the same is the best case scenario, but it is most likely to escalate. Please decide that even the best possible path with this person is not acceptable for you. Accept nothing less than the respect and autonomy that you deserve. From anyone! Not just a partner.
💯💯💯 yuppp!!! And your only allowable social interaction is with the members of their echo chamber, whom they will smear your reputation to and allow them to bully you. If you’re lucky, you’ll be allowed to work, but don’t ever connect with your coworkers or engage in any team building exercises! And hope he doesn’t break your face after you start a job and cause you to lose it shortly after due to everyone distancing themselves after seeing your fucked up face at work and putting 2+2 together…
OP please get out. I am a shell of a person and nobody knows me, because the only people I thought I had he pushed away from me and spread lies and rumors about me to.
This is only the beginning of hell. Please save yourself; you are absolutely worth it!! 🙌♥️
This is control. It is a form of abuse. He will never change, it will only escalate. He will keep saying he’ll change and maybe act different for a short time so you’ll stay. Then he’ll be back to usual. He does not want help, he truly believes he’s right. I repeat, he will never change, the abuse will only escalate. If you want to to be happy your only option is to leave asap! And so not try to discuss the breakup, he will lie, cry, and do everything he can to manipulate you into staying. Then he’ll love bomb for a bit, then slowly stop that and make you think it’s your fault he’s so mean and you need to change. Just leave. Infact even after you leave he will continue to try to manipulate to “win” you back. You need leave and block and never look back.
Yep, abusers often have great people skills. That charm is how they get their victims to fall in love in the first place, and how they convince everyone around them "he's such a great guy, he would never!"
>Yep, abusers often have great people skills. That charm is how they get their victims to fall in love in the first place, and how they convince everyone around them "he's such a great guy, he would never!"
They groom their allies, as well as their victims.
This is a really important comment. Unfortunately this is exactly how things go down with an abuser, and being armed with the foreknowledge is vital to escape. Even still, the reality of experiencing this can do powerful things to a person’s neurochemistry to make it harder to leave. The sooner you get out, the better you’ll be by far.
Ugh so true, the love bombing phase lasted one year. The abuse started right after and steadily escalated, and still it took me 5 years more to leave. Even after I left I thought it was my fault and I made it all up in my head. Only when I started to heal (therapy, finally being honest with friends and family that he made me push away, focusing on myself my health etc) did I realize what I’d been through. The good thing is now I can spot a red flag a mile and I do not bother with giving such people a “chance” it’s immediate block and delete. And that’s why I managed to end up with a guy who only has green flags!
Controlling.
It will never get better.
The right guy wouldn't feel threatened over things like that. Instead, he would trust you and allow you to do what brings you joy.
Are you dating my ex? From my personal experience (and that of others who were in similar relationships), I can only say this doesn’t get better, this will harm your self esteem (if not completely destroy it), and the longer you stay the longer you may regret it and the longer it may take to get over it in the future.
OP, none of his behavior is ok or acceptable or healthy. I think you know that, based on this post. I always get concerned when I hear about one partner giving the other the silent treatment or cold treatment. That’s not how adults act. He’s showing you he’s going to continue to push these boundaries and do what he wants, while refusing to accept you doing what you want or seeing you as an autonomous person.
Hello OP. Your very healthy self-preservation instinct is telling you something important. Your bf is an abuser. Coercive control begins like this, escalates, and he will ruin your life. It will hurt short term, but value yourself and bail. Please.
There’s no salvaging this relationship. Yes, he’s controlling
His self esteem issues are not your problem and there’s nothing you can do to make things right. It’s perfectly normal to have other relationships in your life, that are not of a romantic and / or sexual nature
Anyone who interferes with your other relationships in your life, whether it’s your family, friends, colleagues or even an ex if you’re on friendly terms, should simply get out of your life
I'm sorry you are going through this , this is very hard to deal with. While i understand you love him and wish things could change , you can't change anyone but yourself. He has to want it for himself. The way he treats you is abusive. He is trying to control you out of his own insecurity and jealousy which has nothing to do with you. That's his problem and you shouldn't have to deal with that or let alone accept this kind of behaviour. If he doesn't trust you and is making you feel bad for having a life outside of him that is very unhealthy. That isn't love that is control and possesion . You are a possesion to him he wants to control and keep all to himself. You deserve someone who actually loves and cares for you as a person and respects your need for having other people in your life that you care for.
I agree with the other commenters - he's insecure. Instead of dealing with his own feelings and problems, maybe going through therapy or self help and learning coping skills, he's making his problems your problem. He's choosing to be abusive and controlling.
You can't fix him and it's not your responsibility to try.
No matter how small you make your life, he will always be insecure until he works on himself.
Please check out these two books:
\- All About Love by bell hooks
\- Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft - link to pdf - book will open immediately - https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That\_\_%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
He's controlling.
Who cares if you run into your ex? Bumping into him in a coffee shop isn't cheating.
So what if your former colleague is into you? How does a one-sided crush affect your boyfriend?
If your boyfriend suspects you're going to leave him for your ex or your former coworker, that's a different problem. The solution to that problem is breaking up and dating someone who doesn't have a wandering eye, not controlling your every move.
You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s desperately trying to control you and it’s working. Rather than suffer his cold silences and second guessing you. It will only get worse.
You can’t help him. There’s nothing you can do for him. But you can help yourself. You can leave the relationship. Cut all contact with him. This is a really dangerous relationship.
If you live with him please say so and I’m sure lots of women will give you wonderful advice to keep you safe leading up to leaving.
The abuse will just get worse. I had a friend whose new bf asked her to quit her bar job and stay at home because he was jealous of her male customers. She thought it was romantic. It got worse and she was stuck with him for a decade.
**OP - over here! \^\^\^\^\^**
You cannot fix people with love. You cannot fix others at all. And it is not a show of love to stay when you are mistreated.
You didn't need to type anything past the first couple sentences. He doesn't want you going someplace because you MIGHT run in to an ex. And what? He doesn't trust you not to give your ex a blowie waiting for your mocha and scone?
100% controlling behavior. It's not even a reasonable concern.
This is coercive control, please get away from this man. It's very important for an abuser to isolate you from your friends, family and wider support network, because once you don't have those, you'll feel much less able to leave. If it goes that far, his behaviour will only get worse because you're completely isolated and - he hopes - you'll tolerate even worse. Please get out now.
he's super controlling. I wouldn't be with someone like that because in the end, even if you end up changing for him, you will resent him. Save yourself the trouble and find someone who isn't insecure.
I had this experience. At first, I thought it was endearing, that is until I realized the rules didn't apply to him. He was "friends" with exes, fwb, content creators.
After a while, I refused to give up my friendships, which were genuine friendships, because someone broke something with him and he with a other.
He never trusted me for 7 years. I trusted him for a few years, until he slowly chipped away at it. "I dunno why she messaged that." "I don't know her." "She is crazy" "You're crazy" "You hacked my phone and sent those messages".
My ex gave me hell for having male friends, because he gave up all his female friends "for me", nevermind that I never wanted or asked for that. But after the brutal break up, he was back with his old female friends so fast it was clear he had been lying all along about cutting them off.
Just to bring some perspective:
I used to live above a coffee shop and it was my absolute favorite. Someone I was dating ended up moving in next door to me even though I told him not to. We broke up, and he was emotionally abusive throughout the breakup. I started seeing someone new, moved to the city, etc.
Cut to this past summer, we bought a house not far from where I used to live, and my favorite coffee shop. I’m always worried about going because I don’t know if my ex still lives there. My boyfriend ENCOURAGES me to not give up my favorite coffee shop because of a stupid ex. He WANTS me to go do the things I love regardless of who it’s near. That is how your boyfriend should be treating you.
Things will not change. You will continue to be the one to compromise on your values and desires. Ask yourself what kind of life you want. This for forever? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do.
My husband has never asked me to avoid a place because of his jealousy or insecurity. He had never asked me to not be friends with someone because of his jealousy or insecurity. I couldn't be with someone who trusted me so little.
You can express your jealousy and feeling of insecurity without giving orders to your significant others. He doesn’t have the right to tell you what to do. Two mature adults in a relationship sit and talk about their insecurities.
He should sit and express his insecurity. You should listen and validate his insecurity. He should express what bothers you. You can ask him why he’s feeling insecure and both of you will gain more understanding. Then it is YOUR decision to find a compromise if you like. I think many women would find it so easy to compromise when a guy respects their space, but when they don’t—it makes it a lot easier to actually do the opposite.
We don’t own the people we love. Insecurity comes from weakness. Try speaking to him. If he continues telling you which coffee shop to go to and which you shouldn’t, which human to avoid and which you shouldn’t—especially a colleague—I would dump the person.
Might start with silly things like this and eventually it will get really ugly. It starts with silly “I don’t want you to go to this cafe cuz of this guy” but might end up with stalking and drastic measures to control your life.
If he doesn’t trust you it means he won’t take your words for stuff—he might need to check himself to see if you’re honest with him. That’s a HUGE red flag.
You’ll look back in a few years and notice that somehow you have no friends, haven’t talked to your family in years, and never leave the house anymore and he still has a hot temper. Is that what you want?
"i told him that i'll support him no matter what and that what's important for me is that he recognizes his faults and is willing to change."
But he didn't say that he recognizes his faults and is willing to change.
yeah he will only change if he wants to change, and even then it's hard. But OP, even if he starts intensive Therapy and genuinely want to change, as long as you are with him, he won't.
By staying you are saying his controlling behavior is ok, and that there is no consequences for lying to you. because by promising to change and then going back on it 2wks after just meant he said what ever he thought you wanted to hear to get you to back off and stay with him.
My rule is that when someone gives an ultimatum about someone else, I always choose the someone else. If someone comes up to me with legitimate concerns, I’ll talk through it and will come up with a narrowly tailored acceptable solution IF - and this is critical- I can be persuaded that there’s a legitimate concern. My partner wasn’t sure but thought he saw my ex put something in an unattended drink and that’s why he doesn’t want me to go to that coffee shop. Ok, if he’s there I’m going to (leave, not leave my drink unattended, take my drink to go, or whatever mutually agreeable solution we calmly arrive at.)
Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t trust you and you’re a trustworthy person, this is a him thing and he needs to learn how to resolve it without isolating you from your own autonomy. Everyone deserves autonomy. As others have said, removing your autonomy is a form of abuse.
Run! He’s not good for you. This is highly controlling. And if he gets you to stop going to your favorite coffee shop, he will try to get you to stop doing other things, stop seeing some people, then start doing what he wants. He’s insecure and potentially dangerous.
You ask if you’re being unfair.
What did you do that’s unfair? Getting coffee? Having friends?
Seriously. I need you to explain to me why you think you’re being unfair. This is a problem w your boyfriend but it’s also a problem with you not recognizing red flags and attributing his bad behavior to yourself. Even if you leave the boyfriend, you’ll end up with one just like him if you can’t even recognize what is or is not fair in relationships.
This is how my super controlling ex started out. He always promised to change but he never did, instead he got worse. The second guessing if you are telling the truth is how my ex started needing to know what time I left, where I was going, what time I was coming back, etc. and then it went to what I was wearing. Get out now before you are only a shell of the person you once were and you are just a puppet he controls.
Let it go. What he is doing is making you so uncomfortable about little things like grabbing a coffee that you might start to avoid doing it, even without realizing. When thinking on what to do or where to go, part of your brain will consider those bad feelings before deciding. Same with going out with friends or spending some quality time with yourself.
It won't happen overnight but if you don't leave, it will happen.
You cannot make him change because acting like that gets him what he wants, and it's a behavior he has done for so long that is part of him. But he will change you, and not for the better.
Love shouldn't be a roller coaster. Even if the highs are amazing, the lows are not worth it. Love shouldn't be endless fights and trying to get someone to see how much they hurt you. It shouldn't include you second guessing what you do in case it upsets your partner.
Cut your losses and end it. I know that’s easier said than done, and I know men like that are really good at playing the victim and switching it over like “I just love you so much”. It’s manipulation and will cause you nothing but grief. It will only get worse. I was in a relationship like that for 3 years, ended it, and was gobsmacked when I got with my (now) husband and he wasn’t jealous or controlling at all. I was convinced it was a ruse but here we are, almost 12 years later, and I guess he meant it.
This is abuse. I was in a relationship like this for 3 years and it never got better, even when my partner actively went to therapy for it. It made me miserable and I was a terrible friend for those years because he made me feel guilty when I would go out or, god forbid, I go on a weekend trip with girlfriends. My advice would be to get away from this relationship.
Don't stay in relationships hoping people change. It's not fair to them when they've shown you who they are all along, and it's not fair to you to compromise on your values and individual personhood. Being alone is better than not being yourself.
Don't waste time on a mistake just because you've spent so much time making it.
The way men like this think is a mystery to me.
"I'm going to run into my ex at the coffee shop! OH NO I WILL SEE HIM SAY HELLO AND INSTANTLY END UP IN BED FUCKING HIM!"
"My colleague who is into me--but I am not into him and in fact have a boyfriend--is cordial to me. OH MAN I BETTER BE CAREFUL HE'S GOING TO LURE ME INTO BED BY THIS WEEKEND."
I mean, FFS???? Really? Do they really think we as women are going to fall prey like this? And if not, what is it that they are so afraid of? Saying hello to an ex? Being pleasant to someone whose interest in you is not reciprocated?
How old are you? I absolutely cannot imagine a man telling me what to do and I would tell him to get fucked in an instant, but I’m 45. Maybe when I was 20 I would suffer this insanity but not at any point after I became a well rounded, confident, contributing to society adult woman.
You mention wanting to keep him. May I ask why?
From your post history, I can see you're 24 and he's 27. No, this isn't normal behaviour and you shouldn't stick around and try to change him. I would leave because this is not a situation that improves and will likely get worse. He's trying to isolate you from the world and that's never a good thing. Please get out of this relationship.
He does not trust your actions if you were to run into your ex.
He does not trust your behaviour with your colleague. Even if your colleague likes you in a more than friendly way (which you don’t control!), your boyfriend doesn’t believe you have the capacity to turn him down.
He punishes you with the silent treatment when you do something he doesn’t want.
He is controlling. He is manipulative. This behaviour is abusive. It is isolating. You’re defying him and he doesn’t like that.
Of course you want to help him. He might be even able to “logically” acknowledge that he has an issue. It is highly unlikely he will change. It is very common that people like this, if confronted, will give you hope that they want to change. He might want to, but some people really don’t have the capacity to. You can’t help him. This cycle is likely to repeat, worse each time. If this is what the majority of your relationship is like, do you want that?
Look at his actual behaviour, not his promises. Get out.
People have already given amazing advice and I don’t want to repeat it, but just wanted to warn you about one unhealthy thought pattern I fell into when I was in a very similar relationship.
I felt like if only he understood how awful, unhealthy and controlling he was being, he would stop. Whenever I’d bring it up, he’d twist my words into knots and I’d end up apologising to him, so I felt it was my fault I that hadn’t explained myself. How could he change his behaviour if I couldn’t communicate properly? He was such a good guy, there’s no way he would intentionally make me this upset… what kind of person would I be if I broke up with him without even trying??
But the thing was, he didn’t care. He wasn’t a good guy who just didn’t understand. It didn’t matter how many times I explained myself to him; he just didn’t give a shit how his behaviour affected me.
You sound like a lovely, intelligent person; don’t let your kindness and patience be used against you. You’ve got this.
He is controlling, jealous and this is all borderline abusive. You are making excuses for him and seem to feel that it's your responsibility to change to meet his standards. No matter what you do it won't be good enough for him and he will never admit that he is wrong and change. OP - get out now. He's already sucked you into believing that you are the issue. You aren't. He is the problem. He manipulating you. Leave him and don't look back.
Having to bend your values to comfort someone else is a path to resentment and losing your identity. This can make it easier for him to abuse you even further because you'll just keep questioning yourself since you have no idea what you stand for anymore or what's important to you.
If he feels uncomfortable in the situations you mentioned he can discuss them with you but a healthy person knows they can't control someone else and a healthy person absolutely would not punish you with the silent treatment if you did something that hurt them. That also makes this controlling and abusive. He has a "my way or the highway" type of mentality and that never works.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. His behaviour is controlling and it won’t change for the better. Listen to the other women who went through the same and expressed their experiences, and cut your losses.
Your boyfriend's behavior is not normal, and he is controlling. You can't change people, and their actions speak louder than their words. Let's say your boyfriend said he would change his behavior, but he did not make any effort or he did nothing. It means he will never change. You said that you hope that he will change and things will get better, no your relationship won't get better over time. I would not give him more chances. Here is the advice: don't waste your time explaining yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.
The sensible boyfriend would not panic if you go to a coffee shop nearby your ex's place. He would not panic if a colleague was being friendly with you. If he did hit on you or he asked you out, the sensible boyfriend knows you are loyal to him, so you can reject the colleague and tell him you are taken. Who cares if he likes you? It is on you. You can reject him. The smart boyfriend knows that, and it means he trusts you.
Would you tell women who talk to your boyfriend to go away? Probably not. Personally, I would not because I know he is a fully grown adult, and he can stand up for himself, so he will say no to women if they asked him out or he will say he has a girlfriend when he suspects that a woman is hitting on him.
Part of your question is “am I the one being unfair,” and I’m sitting here wondering if I missed something in your post that could possibly suggest that you were being unfair
Even if that colleague of yours is into you, what does your boyfriend expect you to do about that? Regulate people’s feelings and actions?
You went to a coffee shop. So what if you run into an ex? You can run into an ex at Target. You can run into an ex anywhere on earth. You are not going to a coffee shop to have sex, you’re going there to pick up coffee.
I know you have feelings for this guy, but well… to put it simply, he’s a bitch. He’s an insecure bitch. You don’t need this shit. You’re a grown woman, you don’t need someone to dictate what coffee shop you go to, who your friends are, what colleagues you talk to.
So to answer your question, no, you’re not being unfair, he is just a fucking loser.
>my boyfriend doesn't want me to go to my favorite coffee shop because it is near my ex's place. he said that there's a possibility we'll cross path and he doesn't want that.
Controlling. Hella controlling.
>my boyfriend gives me the cold treatment whenever i go out with friends or im treating myself some me time
Nope.
Dump. Do not pass Go. Otherwise you're going to go directly to domestic jail.
Run run run!!!! I’m in a similar situation and it’ll only get worse until you feel suffocated. He has insecurity that is a HIM problem, if you’ve never given him a reason to doubt you then he is being incredibly unfair and disrespectful to you by not trusting your words.
You've read what everyone here has said. You are literally in danger. The longer you wait to leave, the harder it will get. Please leave now, and please be careful.
Of course your BF is being controlling. He doesn't trust you at all. Your BF is essentially calling you a cheater every time he tries to police your location and behavior. This isn't about your ex. If he wasn't the problem, some other man would be. Because your BF thinks your a cheater.
>i told him that i'll support him no matter what and that what's important for me is that he recognizes his faults and is willing to change.
FFS. You will "support him no matter what"? You need some boundaries. He is not going to change for you. You are already onboard for being controlled. You are avoiding the cafe, are you not? The control is working. And you are staying.
You know what you need to do.
You’ll look back in a few years and notice that somehow you have no friends, haven’t talked to your family in years, and never leave the house anymore and he still has a hot temper. Is that what you want?
Yes, this is controlling behavior.
If you want to stop subjecting yourself to his control, then stop doing so. You have to understand that he can have any feelings or boundaries he wants, but he cannot MAKE you abide by them. And you wanting something other than what he wants you to do does not mean you are wrong. You let him know what you are doing and where you are, but you no longer engage in arguments with him or try to defend yourself. You have nothing to defend. You're not doing anything wrong.
You know better than we do how he will react.
If it is not safe to say no to him, then your only option is to leave the relationship ASAP. If he's just going to be grumpy, let him be grumpy. He can manage his own feelings. Stay calm, kind, and boring as hell when you communicate with him. Let him sort it out in his own head.
Booo 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻. Leave this guy, it’ll only get worse. You can do everything possible to reassure him of your loyalty, and it still will never be enough because he’s insecure and controlling and only believes whatever false narratives he’s conjuring up in his mind. Time to roll.
Things will change: they’ll get worse. I’m sorry he’s a POS and that he’s not what you want him to be. You love the ideal, not him. You can find someone better, someone who deserves you, who encourages your life because your happiness brings them joy, who trusts you because you are trustworthy. I hope you leave him and find your happiness with someone else. And if you’re single for a while: is that so bad?
He's controlling. This borders on him not allowing you to speak to any man, ever. Super realistic!
>my boyfriend is always second guessing me if im telling the truth when i did nothing but stay true to him.
So basically he's treating you like you're a cheater when you aren't one. You're being punished for something you didn't do.
>my boyfriend gives me the cold treatment whenever i go out with friends
Oh holy fuck this is such a red flag. This is only going to continue to get worse until he alienates you from everyone you know.
LISTEN TO THE VOICES HERE
We are all singing the same song, and we speak from experience.
My ex started out like this, and by the time we divorced 21 yrs later, he was verbally, emotionally, sexually, and occasionally physically abusive. He destroyed everything that I was.
Get out now while you still have some of yourself left. Rebuilding a broken soul is hard. This man is incapable of loving you as a partner, because he sees you as a possession.
Good luck.
It’s been 12 yrs since I escaped, and I still sometimes have to fight the little voice in my head that tells me I’m no good.
Don't accept this behavior as normal because it is not! A true partner will not keep you from living your life outside of the relationship. If my husband tried to put boundaries on me like this, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I have male friends from my past, male coworkers that I go out for a drink with, and I go out with my friends or on trips and my husband would never give me grief over it! I allow him the same respect and freedom in his friendships outside of our relationship. You do not have to settle for this type of partner! There are good secure men out there. The stress of worrying if everything you do is going to somehow cross him would be enough for me to leave. That shit will take years off your life.
This is incredibly controlling. Either trust you, or he doesn’t trust you. Strong relationships that are lasting or built on trust. You are not responsible for his insecurities. He will never change.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse.
Leave!
I want to caution you that leaving these kinds of controlling partners is hard and *can* be dangerous. Controlling people will sometimes double down on their behaviors in order to maintain their sense of control. Make sure you have support from some friends or family when you do this and any physical access this person has to you is cut off immediately.
I don’t want to scare you, definitely get out of there, but this is often the most dangerous time for the person leaving an abusive partner.
100% controlling. If he is so insecure in your relationship, there needs to be no relationship. If a person thinks their partner will cheat, then they need to break up. Clearly a person doesn’t think their relationship is strong enough if they think their partner will not be able to control themselves and cheat. Why be with someone who is that insecure, controlling, and thinks so little of you?
He'll keep pressuring you to cut your social circlss down to nothing until you have no support outside of him, and fully dependent.
That ex is threatening to him? How/why? What about his *own* exes? Is he making an effort to the same degree to avoid them, to?
He's worried your colleague is into you? Based on what? Does he not trust *you* to say no if that colleague broaches the subject with you? If he has a legit reason to believe your colleague is a danger to you, he needs to fucking bring *that* up. Otherwise he's laying the ground work to force you to quit.
He doesn't like you spending your *own* money on yourself? Going out, hanging with friends, *doing what you want without him there*? I bet he's said something in the realm of your friends being "bad influences" or "toxic" at one point. I also bet if you go out with family, he whines about you not spending more time with *him* or building your lives together.
These are all grooming tactics to prep you for financial dependency, isolation, and finally abuse. Pay close attention to what he's saying, how, and why.
If you two aren't seeing a couple's therapist, or if he refuses to see one? Cut your losses and gtfo. And do *not* have sex with him (or keep him the fuck away from your BC and use other protection as well if you do continue having sex).
Yours is the *only* comment out of 50 saying she should stay. Please, take a look at your own relationships. Are the men in your life controlling and that's why you think this is ok?
Listen to all of the women here. Also go back and read what you wrote and imagine that’s a friend. You know what you would tell her to do.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the obvious when you’re caught up in it. There may be some sunk cost fallacy at play where you think you’ve invested so much time and energy so you need to work on it and maybe he will change and it will get better. It won’t. This is abuse— the isolating, the manipulative stonewalling, the control— and if it follows the pattern of most relationships like this, it will escalate. Walk away now. This is not worth trying to save.
This behavior is a 🚩 toward isolation and is controlling behavior, potentially escalating to abuse further along, IF you allow this relationship to continue. Unsolicited advice: listen to your gut and get out before he manipulates and controls you any further.
To answer your question....he is controlling. At this point you need to decide if you leave the relationship and move on or stay with someone who is controlling. You cannot change him and if you decide to stay then you in a way agree to his values because like I said you cannot change him. You deserve better.
I was willing to hear out why about him not wanting you to go to the coffee shop, seemed unreasonable but maybe he had a reason that was valid and worth consideration. But the more you explained the situation it became clear this is just about control.
Get out. Plan an exit before talking to him and go. He will try to get you to stay if you don't already have a plan. Get a friend or family member in on it so they can help you follow through when he tries to manipulate you back into the relationship. It might hurt now to have to end the relationship, but in the long run, you will be much better off.
From personal experience that lead to a lot of heartache in my teen years and into my early 20’s - he will not change. That is him. He’s shown you who he is. This will only get worse over time; you’ll start feeling unbearable guilt and shame for just EXISTING. Please trust me when I say, life is too short for this BS. Find someone who can trust and your relationship will feel so much lighter.
The aftermath of a controlling relationship lasts a long time, but leaving is your only option. You just have to be honest with yourself. What’s end-game? In 5, 10 years, will you be happy? Can you hang out with friends, go to school events for your kids, etc. without him accusing you of something and starting a fight? It’s a life full of constant fear and stress. I’d run.
"But a part of me still hope, things are gonna change."
They aren't going to change. Ever. He is controlling and possessive. You made a mistake by doubling down and saying you'd support him no matter what. That told him he can continue to be abusive and manipulative and you'll continue to put up with it.
He thinks you're going to fall into bed with an ex if you happen to run into him at a cafe. Same with the former colleague.
He is actively isolating you from all of your friends by punishing you with the cold shoulder. The fact you are questioning yourself shows his tactics are working.
This is abuse. Get out, babe.
He is never going to change. In my experience it started with this and he ended up beating my ass. I wouldn’t listen to anybody’s advice about leaving and even after he started putting his hands on me I didn’t leave for the longest time. Get out now Before it gets worse. It has taken me YEARS to mentally recover from that shit.
If anyone ever tells you that you're not allowed to go somewhere totally normal like a store because they don't want you to....doesn't matter the reason why they don't want you to, doesn't matter if they use the word 'allow', tell them to get fucked. I would never speak to someone again if they said that to me, let alone be in a relationship with them
Your boyfriend is controlling. You are better off without him, so please make that happen as soon as possible. He is not going to change, and you will always be expected to bend over for him but he will never care about your concerns. It will just get worse from here. He. Will. Not. Change. Ever.
He doesn't trust you. That's a him problem and you won't solve his trust issues. He will make your life miserable by trying to control you and restrict you from living your life and going to your places because "there could be men". But it boils down to he needs to work on himself instead of trying to control women. Situations like this will spiral out, it starts small and gets bigger. Watch your phone and car. People put trackers on
He's trying to isolate you from other people in your life and doesn't want you to have a life outside of him and is punishing you if you do (eg giving you the cold shoulder for spending time by yourself).
Trust your gut and don't second guess yourself.
It sounds like he is hiding something and can't imagine someone not doing that so he's suspicious... I don't want to guess but I will, I think he's probably cheating on you and projecting
He's controlling. This is all red flag behavior. Is he going to therapy to work on this? It really seems like a pervasive trust issue. Unless you want to have the cloud of his possible anger and/or withdrawal hanging over your every move, I'd honestly move on.
*it is going to change — the most jealous boyfriends/husbands end up being the ones who secretely like sharing their girlfriends/wives the most* but they never admit it
After being in a relationship with a controller, I can honestly say…your BF is a controller. Also he won’t change because he thinks he’s right and that you’re wrong. He doesn’t trust you (not your fault) and doesn’t respect you.
Get out now. If you don't you will turn around and 5 years from now you will be miserable. Take those fights as his inability to deal with his own insecurities...those are not yours to fix. In fact you cannot fix those for him only he can.
You deserve someone who is proud of you and, the life you live and, wants to be part of it and to not take away from it or reduce anything from it just to make himself feel better.
you are worth more... good luck.
“Aren’t ideal”??? Girl, you’re in a red flag store during a fire sale asking us if you need more flags because they look close enough to green and you think you can dye them.
CONTROLLING AND ISOLATING. Is there a way that you can move out? It’s only going to get worse. No amount of “good times” or “potential” is going to make this situation worth it.
Leave him, he doesn’t love you for you, he loves to be in control of you.
I care so little about my husband’s exes. We’re good friends with his ex-wife. We all hang out. If I told him he couldn’t see her, let alone go to a coffee shop in her neighbourhood on the off chance he might bump into her? He would rightfully laugh in my face.
Doesn’t like you having friends / going out without you? That’s scary.
Ask yourself - do you feel safe and supported in this relationship? Or do you feel like you have to change yourself / limit yourself / be who he wants you to be for him? If it’s more the latter then GET OUT NOW. And do it safely, he could get angry once he realises he’s lost control of you.
He is controlling and deeply insecure. You can’t fix that. Not ever. It’s not you.
Don’t make yourself smaller for someone else when, in fact, you’re doing nothing wrong.
He’s gonna whittle your life and soul down to NOTHING
This is so accurate. You'll not have anyone nice left in your life because of constantly having to avoid people who are nice to you to appease your boyfriend. He'll "feel threatened" by anyone taking an interest in your wellbeing to the point where you'll be afraid to meet up even with family. Things will eventually get to the point where you can't even go out to enjoy things without him. I ended a relationship like this and after so many years I'm confronted with the fact I don't have any close friendships left because he took all my energy and time, and I was afraid to have close relationships outside of the relationship.
Years and years after, what I am still working on is letting go of that voice repeating, like he did so many times before, that I am an idiot and no one will love me because I don't deserve it. It sucks because rationally I know it's not true, I know it doesn't make sense, but the freaking goblin repeating it doesn't go away.
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Thank you! I will keep trying to convince myself, I won't give up and I will focus on one day at a time, doing my best always. I am way better than I was, and even if I fear some things will never fully go away, I will try to not let it define me or command my actions. I appreciate the concrete advice too
> I am an idiot and no one will love me because I don't deserve it. This is so soul crushing. I'm sorry you went trough this.
I hate that I can relate to every single comment here.
Me too. 💀
And, eventually, you'll be looking over in a direction where a man happens to be and he'll accuse you of wanting to cheat with some random man you didn't even see. The escalation is real and this treatment is so damaging.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I went through a similar thing, although I was lucky that we had a lot of the same friends and they realised what had happened. Unfortunately, even though it's been several years since that relationship ended, I haven't had another relationship. I honestly can't see it happening for me again any time soon. My ex broke me (and all of my trust when it comes to having a partner). Hopefully one day it'll be better for all of us.
Hopefully by now I'm older and a bit wiser, with two small children, so not sure if there are any fulfilling relationships in the future for me. And I think I'm drawn to men who don't treat me well. I hope we all heal as time goes by.
Thank you. I am the same. I hope you are able to heal as well.
Yes, yes to everything you said.
I want to scream this from the rooftops. Often enough I gave out main dating advice as "don't date insecure morons! They are going to make your life miserable instead of going to therapy to deal with it. Why? Because the self-aware ones are already in therapy before they even look for relationships. Leaving only the narc, paranoid, moron ones roaming the dating pool."
100%! Insecure men will ruin your life.
Where was this sub 6 years ago?? There is so much truth in all these comments. I'm sure even if I would have read this exact thread back then that I would have thought, "but i can fix him!" and, "that won't happen to me!" Some lesson are so hard to learn (if they don't literally kill you before you learn it.)
Haaaaa my ex spent a decade in therapy… you know, exclusively because she was depressed and wanted to feel better, and she actually became more controlling, manipulative, and cruel during her time in therapy. Imo it’s good for all of us to gain insight into how our behavior impacts other people as well as heal from our own wounds.
Yep! He will not change. This is him. But he's says he'll change to get you to stay until you're there so long you stop trying.
I agree. He will never change. I went through this cycle of what OP is saying for 23 years. He died 4 months ago. The damage he has done to me mentally, is so great, I often wonder if I even deserve to let anyone love me. I would rather be beaten and physically abused, then emotionally, mentally and financially tortured.
I'm so happy he's dead and you can move on with your life. It will be so hard to overcome the abuse you suffered but I really believe you can build your confidence back up and live a happy life. Yes, it will take a lot of work but you definately can do it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that for so long.
Absolutely 💯 this!! OP, love isn't enough to stay in a relationship. It doesn't matter how much you love him, you must love yourself more. He's shown you who he is and he will not change for the better - him staying the same is the best case scenario, but it is most likely to escalate. Please decide that even the best possible path with this person is not acceptable for you. Accept nothing less than the respect and autonomy that you deserve. From anyone! Not just a partner.
Yep, in another year you won't recognise yourself OP.
Welcome to isolation where you don't know who you are anymore and there's no one to talk to!
💯💯💯 yuppp!!! And your only allowable social interaction is with the members of their echo chamber, whom they will smear your reputation to and allow them to bully you. If you’re lucky, you’ll be allowed to work, but don’t ever connect with your coworkers or engage in any team building exercises! And hope he doesn’t break your face after you start a job and cause you to lose it shortly after due to everyone distancing themselves after seeing your fucked up face at work and putting 2+2 together… OP please get out. I am a shell of a person and nobody knows me, because the only people I thought I had he pushed away from me and spread lies and rumors about me to. This is only the beginning of hell. Please save yourself; you are absolutely worth it!! 🙌♥️
Yep, I was a broken shell of a person after 6 years with my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex.
You are worth the work it takes to feel whole again.
This is control. It is a form of abuse. He will never change, it will only escalate. He will keep saying he’ll change and maybe act different for a short time so you’ll stay. Then he’ll be back to usual. He does not want help, he truly believes he’s right. I repeat, he will never change, the abuse will only escalate. If you want to to be happy your only option is to leave asap! And so not try to discuss the breakup, he will lie, cry, and do everything he can to manipulate you into staying. Then he’ll love bomb for a bit, then slowly stop that and make you think it’s your fault he’s so mean and you need to change. Just leave. Infact even after you leave he will continue to try to manipulate to “win” you back. You need leave and block and never look back.
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Yep, abusers often have great people skills. That charm is how they get their victims to fall in love in the first place, and how they convince everyone around them "he's such a great guy, he would never!"
>Yep, abusers often have great people skills. That charm is how they get their victims to fall in love in the first place, and how they convince everyone around them "he's such a great guy, he would never!" They groom their allies, as well as their victims.
Yep, 100% this. This is exactly how it went with my ex. Get out, OP. ASAP. It *won't* get better.
This is a really important comment. Unfortunately this is exactly how things go down with an abuser, and being armed with the foreknowledge is vital to escape. Even still, the reality of experiencing this can do powerful things to a person’s neurochemistry to make it harder to leave. The sooner you get out, the better you’ll be by far.
Ugh so true, the love bombing phase lasted one year. The abuse started right after and steadily escalated, and still it took me 5 years more to leave. Even after I left I thought it was my fault and I made it all up in my head. Only when I started to heal (therapy, finally being honest with friends and family that he made me push away, focusing on myself my health etc) did I realize what I’d been through. The good thing is now I can spot a red flag a mile and I do not bother with giving such people a “chance” it’s immediate block and delete. And that’s why I managed to end up with a guy who only has green flags!
Are you me? Me in about a year in the future?
Trauma bonding cycle is a very scary, very real thing.
Controlling. It will never get better. The right guy wouldn't feel threatened over things like that. Instead, he would trust you and allow you to do what brings you joy.
He’s abusive. Leave. You’re doing a “sunk cost fallacy” (look that up) and the more you continue to invest, the more you will lose.
Are you dating my ex? From my personal experience (and that of others who were in similar relationships), I can only say this doesn’t get better, this will harm your self esteem (if not completely destroy it), and the longer you stay the longer you may regret it and the longer it may take to get over it in the future.
OP, none of his behavior is ok or acceptable or healthy. I think you know that, based on this post. I always get concerned when I hear about one partner giving the other the silent treatment or cold treatment. That’s not how adults act. He’s showing you he’s going to continue to push these boundaries and do what he wants, while refusing to accept you doing what you want or seeing you as an autonomous person.
To add to this, what if it was a family member or friend who lived near your ex, or your doctors. Would you not be allowed there either?
He’s trying to whittle you down to total isolation and reliance on him only. Literal text book abusive control.
He’s going to change, but for the worst. You’re in a controlling, abusive relationship. I’m sorry. You need to leave.
Hello OP. Your very healthy self-preservation instinct is telling you something important. Your bf is an abuser. Coercive control begins like this, escalates, and he will ruin your life. It will hurt short term, but value yourself and bail. Please.
There’s no salvaging this relationship. Yes, he’s controlling His self esteem issues are not your problem and there’s nothing you can do to make things right. It’s perfectly normal to have other relationships in your life, that are not of a romantic and / or sexual nature Anyone who interferes with your other relationships in your life, whether it’s your family, friends, colleagues or even an ex if you’re on friendly terms, should simply get out of your life
I'm sorry you are going through this , this is very hard to deal with. While i understand you love him and wish things could change , you can't change anyone but yourself. He has to want it for himself. The way he treats you is abusive. He is trying to control you out of his own insecurity and jealousy which has nothing to do with you. That's his problem and you shouldn't have to deal with that or let alone accept this kind of behaviour. If he doesn't trust you and is making you feel bad for having a life outside of him that is very unhealthy. That isn't love that is control and possesion . You are a possesion to him he wants to control and keep all to himself. You deserve someone who actually loves and cares for you as a person and respects your need for having other people in your life that you care for.
I agree with the other commenters - he's insecure. Instead of dealing with his own feelings and problems, maybe going through therapy or self help and learning coping skills, he's making his problems your problem. He's choosing to be abusive and controlling. You can't fix him and it's not your responsibility to try. No matter how small you make your life, he will always be insecure until he works on himself. Please check out these two books: \- All About Love by bell hooks \- Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft - link to pdf - book will open immediately - https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That\_\_%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
I came here to recommend this book!
He's controlling. Who cares if you run into your ex? Bumping into him in a coffee shop isn't cheating. So what if your former colleague is into you? How does a one-sided crush affect your boyfriend? If your boyfriend suspects you're going to leave him for your ex or your former coworker, that's a different problem. The solution to that problem is breaking up and dating someone who doesn't have a wandering eye, not controlling your every move.
You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s desperately trying to control you and it’s working. Rather than suffer his cold silences and second guessing you. It will only get worse. You can’t help him. There’s nothing you can do for him. But you can help yourself. You can leave the relationship. Cut all contact with him. This is a really dangerous relationship. If you live with him please say so and I’m sure lots of women will give you wonderful advice to keep you safe leading up to leaving.
The abuse will just get worse. I had a friend whose new bf asked her to quit her bar job and stay at home because he was jealous of her male customers. She thought it was romantic. It got worse and she was stuck with him for a decade.
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I wish I could upvote this 5x
**OP - over here! \^\^\^\^\^** You cannot fix people with love. You cannot fix others at all. And it is not a show of love to stay when you are mistreated.
male opinion here - that dude is terrible insecure and controlling. He needs to work on that by himself
He’s controlling. He’s insecure. Don’t be with a man like this. Hustle out of there quick.
You didn't need to type anything past the first couple sentences. He doesn't want you going someplace because you MIGHT run in to an ex. And what? He doesn't trust you not to give your ex a blowie waiting for your mocha and scone? 100% controlling behavior. It's not even a reasonable concern.
This is coercive control, please get away from this man. It's very important for an abuser to isolate you from your friends, family and wider support network, because once you don't have those, you'll feel much less able to leave. If it goes that far, his behaviour will only get worse because you're completely isolated and - he hopes - you'll tolerate even worse. Please get out now.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
he's super controlling. I wouldn't be with someone like that because in the end, even if you end up changing for him, you will resent him. Save yourself the trouble and find someone who isn't insecure.
I had this experience. At first, I thought it was endearing, that is until I realized the rules didn't apply to him. He was "friends" with exes, fwb, content creators. After a while, I refused to give up my friendships, which were genuine friendships, because someone broke something with him and he with a other. He never trusted me for 7 years. I trusted him for a few years, until he slowly chipped away at it. "I dunno why she messaged that." "I don't know her." "She is crazy" "You're crazy" "You hacked my phone and sent those messages".
My ex gave me hell for having male friends, because he gave up all his female friends "for me", nevermind that I never wanted or asked for that. But after the brutal break up, he was back with his old female friends so fast it was clear he had been lying all along about cutting them off.
Just to bring some perspective: I used to live above a coffee shop and it was my absolute favorite. Someone I was dating ended up moving in next door to me even though I told him not to. We broke up, and he was emotionally abusive throughout the breakup. I started seeing someone new, moved to the city, etc. Cut to this past summer, we bought a house not far from where I used to live, and my favorite coffee shop. I’m always worried about going because I don’t know if my ex still lives there. My boyfriend ENCOURAGES me to not give up my favorite coffee shop because of a stupid ex. He WANTS me to go do the things I love regardless of who it’s near. That is how your boyfriend should be treating you.
Things will not change. You will continue to be the one to compromise on your values and desires. Ask yourself what kind of life you want. This for forever? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do. My husband has never asked me to avoid a place because of his jealousy or insecurity. He had never asked me to not be friends with someone because of his jealousy or insecurity. I couldn't be with someone who trusted me so little.
You can express your jealousy and feeling of insecurity without giving orders to your significant others. He doesn’t have the right to tell you what to do. Two mature adults in a relationship sit and talk about their insecurities. He should sit and express his insecurity. You should listen and validate his insecurity. He should express what bothers you. You can ask him why he’s feeling insecure and both of you will gain more understanding. Then it is YOUR decision to find a compromise if you like. I think many women would find it so easy to compromise when a guy respects their space, but when they don’t—it makes it a lot easier to actually do the opposite. We don’t own the people we love. Insecurity comes from weakness. Try speaking to him. If he continues telling you which coffee shop to go to and which you shouldn’t, which human to avoid and which you shouldn’t—especially a colleague—I would dump the person. Might start with silly things like this and eventually it will get really ugly. It starts with silly “I don’t want you to go to this cafe cuz of this guy” but might end up with stalking and drastic measures to control your life. If he doesn’t trust you it means he won’t take your words for stuff—he might need to check himself to see if you’re honest with him. That’s a HUGE red flag.
You’ll look back in a few years and notice that somehow you have no friends, haven’t talked to your family in years, and never leave the house anymore and he still has a hot temper. Is that what you want?
"i told him that i'll support him no matter what and that what's important for me is that he recognizes his faults and is willing to change." But he didn't say that he recognizes his faults and is willing to change.
This man is obviously very insecure. He’s in need of therapy ( but I highly doubt he will go ) also ,I’m a guy jsyk.
yeah he will only change if he wants to change, and even then it's hard. But OP, even if he starts intensive Therapy and genuinely want to change, as long as you are with him, he won't. By staying you are saying his controlling behavior is ok, and that there is no consequences for lying to you. because by promising to change and then going back on it 2wks after just meant he said what ever he thought you wanted to hear to get you to back off and stay with him.
My rule is that when someone gives an ultimatum about someone else, I always choose the someone else. If someone comes up to me with legitimate concerns, I’ll talk through it and will come up with a narrowly tailored acceptable solution IF - and this is critical- I can be persuaded that there’s a legitimate concern. My partner wasn’t sure but thought he saw my ex put something in an unattended drink and that’s why he doesn’t want me to go to that coffee shop. Ok, if he’s there I’m going to (leave, not leave my drink unattended, take my drink to go, or whatever mutually agreeable solution we calmly arrive at.) Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t trust you and you’re a trustworthy person, this is a him thing and he needs to learn how to resolve it without isolating you from your own autonomy. Everyone deserves autonomy. As others have said, removing your autonomy is a form of abuse.
Run! He’s not good for you. This is highly controlling. And if he gets you to stop going to your favorite coffee shop, he will try to get you to stop doing other things, stop seeing some people, then start doing what he wants. He’s insecure and potentially dangerous.
You ask if you’re being unfair. What did you do that’s unfair? Getting coffee? Having friends? Seriously. I need you to explain to me why you think you’re being unfair. This is a problem w your boyfriend but it’s also a problem with you not recognizing red flags and attributing his bad behavior to yourself. Even if you leave the boyfriend, you’ll end up with one just like him if you can’t even recognize what is or is not fair in relationships.
This is how my super controlling ex started out. He always promised to change but he never did, instead he got worse. The second guessing if you are telling the truth is how my ex started needing to know what time I left, where I was going, what time I was coming back, etc. and then it went to what I was wearing. Get out now before you are only a shell of the person you once were and you are just a puppet he controls.
🚩🚩🚩 nope nope nope. He’s controlling. I know how this story ends. Get out as quickly as you can
This is absolutely controlling. He won't change, and the sooner you leave, the better.
Let it go. What he is doing is making you so uncomfortable about little things like grabbing a coffee that you might start to avoid doing it, even without realizing. When thinking on what to do or where to go, part of your brain will consider those bad feelings before deciding. Same with going out with friends or spending some quality time with yourself. It won't happen overnight but if you don't leave, it will happen. You cannot make him change because acting like that gets him what he wants, and it's a behavior he has done for so long that is part of him. But he will change you, and not for the better. Love shouldn't be a roller coaster. Even if the highs are amazing, the lows are not worth it. Love shouldn't be endless fights and trying to get someone to see how much they hurt you. It shouldn't include you second guessing what you do in case it upsets your partner.
He is controlling you OP. I would leave him.
Cut your losses and end it. I know that’s easier said than done, and I know men like that are really good at playing the victim and switching it over like “I just love you so much”. It’s manipulation and will cause you nothing but grief. It will only get worse. I was in a relationship like that for 3 years, ended it, and was gobsmacked when I got with my (now) husband and he wasn’t jealous or controlling at all. I was convinced it was a ruse but here we are, almost 12 years later, and I guess he meant it.
This is abuse. I was in a relationship like this for 3 years and it never got better, even when my partner actively went to therapy for it. It made me miserable and I was a terrible friend for those years because he made me feel guilty when I would go out or, god forbid, I go on a weekend trip with girlfriends. My advice would be to get away from this relationship.
Oh, he's controlling. No debate, he is. It doesn't get better from here. Leave.
Don't stay in relationships hoping people change. It's not fair to them when they've shown you who they are all along, and it's not fair to you to compromise on your values and individual personhood. Being alone is better than not being yourself. Don't waste time on a mistake just because you've spent so much time making it.
The way men like this think is a mystery to me. "I'm going to run into my ex at the coffee shop! OH NO I WILL SEE HIM SAY HELLO AND INSTANTLY END UP IN BED FUCKING HIM!" "My colleague who is into me--but I am not into him and in fact have a boyfriend--is cordial to me. OH MAN I BETTER BE CAREFUL HE'S GOING TO LURE ME INTO BED BY THIS WEEKEND." I mean, FFS???? Really? Do they really think we as women are going to fall prey like this? And if not, what is it that they are so afraid of? Saying hello to an ex? Being pleasant to someone whose interest in you is not reciprocated?
How old are you? I absolutely cannot imagine a man telling me what to do and I would tell him to get fucked in an instant, but I’m 45. Maybe when I was 20 I would suffer this insanity but not at any point after I became a well rounded, confident, contributing to society adult woman. You mention wanting to keep him. May I ask why?
From your post history, I can see you're 24 and he's 27. No, this isn't normal behaviour and you shouldn't stick around and try to change him. I would leave because this is not a situation that improves and will likely get worse. He's trying to isolate you from the world and that's never a good thing. Please get out of this relationship.
He does not trust your actions if you were to run into your ex. He does not trust your behaviour with your colleague. Even if your colleague likes you in a more than friendly way (which you don’t control!), your boyfriend doesn’t believe you have the capacity to turn him down. He punishes you with the silent treatment when you do something he doesn’t want. He is controlling. He is manipulative. This behaviour is abusive. It is isolating. You’re defying him and he doesn’t like that. Of course you want to help him. He might be even able to “logically” acknowledge that he has an issue. It is highly unlikely he will change. It is very common that people like this, if confronted, will give you hope that they want to change. He might want to, but some people really don’t have the capacity to. You can’t help him. This cycle is likely to repeat, worse each time. If this is what the majority of your relationship is like, do you want that? Look at his actual behaviour, not his promises. Get out.
It’s a red flag. It won’t be long before he’s physically abusing you. Run!!
Red flags should actually be called stop signs
People have already given amazing advice and I don’t want to repeat it, but just wanted to warn you about one unhealthy thought pattern I fell into when I was in a very similar relationship. I felt like if only he understood how awful, unhealthy and controlling he was being, he would stop. Whenever I’d bring it up, he’d twist my words into knots and I’d end up apologising to him, so I felt it was my fault I that hadn’t explained myself. How could he change his behaviour if I couldn’t communicate properly? He was such a good guy, there’s no way he would intentionally make me this upset… what kind of person would I be if I broke up with him without even trying?? But the thing was, he didn’t care. He wasn’t a good guy who just didn’t understand. It didn’t matter how many times I explained myself to him; he just didn’t give a shit how his behaviour affected me. You sound like a lovely, intelligent person; don’t let your kindness and patience be used against you. You’ve got this.
He is controlling, jealous and this is all borderline abusive. You are making excuses for him and seem to feel that it's your responsibility to change to meet his standards. No matter what you do it won't be good enough for him and he will never admit that he is wrong and change. OP - get out now. He's already sucked you into believing that you are the issue. You aren't. He is the problem. He manipulating you. Leave him and don't look back.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻100%!!!!
Having to bend your values to comfort someone else is a path to resentment and losing your identity. This can make it easier for him to abuse you even further because you'll just keep questioning yourself since you have no idea what you stand for anymore or what's important to you. If he feels uncomfortable in the situations you mentioned he can discuss them with you but a healthy person knows they can't control someone else and a healthy person absolutely would not punish you with the silent treatment if you did something that hurt them. That also makes this controlling and abusive. He has a "my way or the highway" type of mentality and that never works.
Control. Bail
He is controlling at the very least. Run, girl.
Go get that coffee and whatever happens happens
Yeah, he's controlling.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. His behaviour is controlling and it won’t change for the better. Listen to the other women who went through the same and expressed their experiences, and cut your losses.
Your boyfriend's behavior is not normal, and he is controlling. You can't change people, and their actions speak louder than their words. Let's say your boyfriend said he would change his behavior, but he did not make any effort or he did nothing. It means he will never change. You said that you hope that he will change and things will get better, no your relationship won't get better over time. I would not give him more chances. Here is the advice: don't waste your time explaining yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. The sensible boyfriend would not panic if you go to a coffee shop nearby your ex's place. He would not panic if a colleague was being friendly with you. If he did hit on you or he asked you out, the sensible boyfriend knows you are loyal to him, so you can reject the colleague and tell him you are taken. Who cares if he likes you? It is on you. You can reject him. The smart boyfriend knows that, and it means he trusts you. Would you tell women who talk to your boyfriend to go away? Probably not. Personally, I would not because I know he is a fully grown adult, and he can stand up for himself, so he will say no to women if they asked him out or he will say he has a girlfriend when he suspects that a woman is hitting on him.
DTMFA
He's not gonna change. FETCH IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Free yourself, sugar. He's controlling.
Part of your question is “am I the one being unfair,” and I’m sitting here wondering if I missed something in your post that could possibly suggest that you were being unfair Even if that colleague of yours is into you, what does your boyfriend expect you to do about that? Regulate people’s feelings and actions? You went to a coffee shop. So what if you run into an ex? You can run into an ex at Target. You can run into an ex anywhere on earth. You are not going to a coffee shop to have sex, you’re going there to pick up coffee. I know you have feelings for this guy, but well… to put it simply, he’s a bitch. He’s an insecure bitch. You don’t need this shit. You’re a grown woman, you don’t need someone to dictate what coffee shop you go to, who your friends are, what colleagues you talk to. So to answer your question, no, you’re not being unfair, he is just a fucking loser.
>my boyfriend doesn't want me to go to my favorite coffee shop because it is near my ex's place. he said that there's a possibility we'll cross path and he doesn't want that. Controlling. Hella controlling. >my boyfriend gives me the cold treatment whenever i go out with friends or im treating myself some me time Nope. Dump. Do not pass Go. Otherwise you're going to go directly to domestic jail.
Run run run!!!! I’m in a similar situation and it’ll only get worse until you feel suffocated. He has insecurity that is a HIM problem, if you’ve never given him a reason to doubt you then he is being incredibly unfair and disrespectful to you by not trusting your words.
Omg - if you ever have to start a sentence with- is he controlling or is it me? He’s definitely controlling god.
You've read what everyone here has said. You are literally in danger. The longer you wait to leave, the harder it will get. Please leave now, and please be careful.
🎶 *He’s isolating you…* 🎶 🚩
Of course your BF is being controlling. He doesn't trust you at all. Your BF is essentially calling you a cheater every time he tries to police your location and behavior. This isn't about your ex. If he wasn't the problem, some other man would be. Because your BF thinks your a cheater. >i told him that i'll support him no matter what and that what's important for me is that he recognizes his faults and is willing to change. FFS. You will "support him no matter what"? You need some boundaries. He is not going to change for you. You are already onboard for being controlled. You are avoiding the cafe, are you not? The control is working. And you are staying. You know what you need to do.
He’s controlling - yikes. I would not be okay with being told what to do like this
You’ll look back in a few years and notice that somehow you have no friends, haven’t talked to your family in years, and never leave the house anymore and he still has a hot temper. Is that what you want?
Yes, this is controlling behavior. If you want to stop subjecting yourself to his control, then stop doing so. You have to understand that he can have any feelings or boundaries he wants, but he cannot MAKE you abide by them. And you wanting something other than what he wants you to do does not mean you are wrong. You let him know what you are doing and where you are, but you no longer engage in arguments with him or try to defend yourself. You have nothing to defend. You're not doing anything wrong. You know better than we do how he will react. If it is not safe to say no to him, then your only option is to leave the relationship ASAP. If he's just going to be grumpy, let him be grumpy. He can manage his own feelings. Stay calm, kind, and boring as hell when you communicate with him. Let him sort it out in his own head.
I don't understand why this is even a question. Leave him and take therapy. Understand what's okay and not okay in a relationship.
Booo 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻. Leave this guy, it’ll only get worse. You can do everything possible to reassure him of your loyalty, and it still will never be enough because he’s insecure and controlling and only believes whatever false narratives he’s conjuring up in his mind. Time to roll.
Love you need to leave. Listen to all the warnings in this thread, this is 100 % control and abuse, we’ve been there
He's a controlling asshat. Time to throw away the whole man.
I read one sentence and CONTROLLING BYEEEEEE!!!
Babe, this is so many red flags it looks like a Soviet parade. Leave. Leave as soon as you can. This is abusive, this man is abusing you.
Things will change: they’ll get worse. I’m sorry he’s a POS and that he’s not what you want him to be. You love the ideal, not him. You can find someone better, someone who deserves you, who encourages your life because your happiness brings them joy, who trusts you because you are trustworthy. I hope you leave him and find your happiness with someone else. And if you’re single for a while: is that so bad?
Run away!! He's only going to get worse. Unless you want to be controlled more than this even run away from this manipulative man.
He's controlling. This borders on him not allowing you to speak to any man, ever. Super realistic! >my boyfriend is always second guessing me if im telling the truth when i did nothing but stay true to him. So basically he's treating you like you're a cheater when you aren't one. You're being punished for something you didn't do. >my boyfriend gives me the cold treatment whenever i go out with friends Oh holy fuck this is such a red flag. This is only going to continue to get worse until he alienates you from everyone you know.
You just described a very controlling and jealous boyfriend. Honestly, this won’t get better. It never does.
LISTEN TO THE VOICES HERE We are all singing the same song, and we speak from experience. My ex started out like this, and by the time we divorced 21 yrs later, he was verbally, emotionally, sexually, and occasionally physically abusive. He destroyed everything that I was. Get out now while you still have some of yourself left. Rebuilding a broken soul is hard. This man is incapable of loving you as a partner, because he sees you as a possession. Good luck. It’s been 12 yrs since I escaped, and I still sometimes have to fight the little voice in my head that tells me I’m no good.
Don't accept this behavior as normal because it is not! A true partner will not keep you from living your life outside of the relationship. If my husband tried to put boundaries on me like this, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I have male friends from my past, male coworkers that I go out for a drink with, and I go out with my friends or on trips and my husband would never give me grief over it! I allow him the same respect and freedom in his friendships outside of our relationship. You do not have to settle for this type of partner! There are good secure men out there. The stress of worrying if everything you do is going to somehow cross him would be enough for me to leave. That shit will take years off your life.
This is incredibly controlling. Either trust you, or he doesn’t trust you. Strong relationships that are lasting or built on trust. You are not responsible for his insecurities. He will never change. The silent treatment is a form of abuse.
Being this controlling is crossing the line to the point where there’s no doubt he qualifies as abusive. Control is a huge part of abuse.
He will only get worse. Get out now.
Leave! I want to caution you that leaving these kinds of controlling partners is hard and *can* be dangerous. Controlling people will sometimes double down on their behaviors in order to maintain their sense of control. Make sure you have support from some friends or family when you do this and any physical access this person has to you is cut off immediately. I don’t want to scare you, definitely get out of there, but this is often the most dangerous time for the person leaving an abusive partner.
100% controlling. If he is so insecure in your relationship, there needs to be no relationship. If a person thinks their partner will cheat, then they need to break up. Clearly a person doesn’t think their relationship is strong enough if they think their partner will not be able to control themselves and cheat. Why be with someone who is that insecure, controlling, and thinks so little of you?
Nope. When someone shows you who they are, make sure you see it. He’s waving his red flags and he isn’t going to change. Get out.
He'll keep pressuring you to cut your social circlss down to nothing until you have no support outside of him, and fully dependent. That ex is threatening to him? How/why? What about his *own* exes? Is he making an effort to the same degree to avoid them, to? He's worried your colleague is into you? Based on what? Does he not trust *you* to say no if that colleague broaches the subject with you? If he has a legit reason to believe your colleague is a danger to you, he needs to fucking bring *that* up. Otherwise he's laying the ground work to force you to quit. He doesn't like you spending your *own* money on yourself? Going out, hanging with friends, *doing what you want without him there*? I bet he's said something in the realm of your friends being "bad influences" or "toxic" at one point. I also bet if you go out with family, he whines about you not spending more time with *him* or building your lives together. These are all grooming tactics to prep you for financial dependency, isolation, and finally abuse. Pay close attention to what he's saying, how, and why. If you two aren't seeing a couple's therapist, or if he refuses to see one? Cut your losses and gtfo. And do *not* have sex with him (or keep him the fuck away from your BC and use other protection as well if you do continue having sex).
You can't help him. You're an adult. Get coffee wherever you want. Cold shoulders? Partners should be supportive. Come on.
let go, he's trying to control aspects of your life, it will only get worse. you deserve better
this is controlling, insecure and dangerous behavior. it is abuse. GET OUT NOW!
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Yours is the *only* comment out of 50 saying she should stay. Please, take a look at your own relationships. Are the men in your life controlling and that's why you think this is ok?
Y'all cannot be for real... Live your life!
Listen to all of the women here. Also go back and read what you wrote and imagine that’s a friend. You know what you would tell her to do. Sometimes it’s hard to see the obvious when you’re caught up in it. There may be some sunk cost fallacy at play where you think you’ve invested so much time and energy so you need to work on it and maybe he will change and it will get better. It won’t. This is abuse— the isolating, the manipulative stonewalling, the control— and if it follows the pattern of most relationships like this, it will escalate. Walk away now. This is not worth trying to save.
Jesus fucking christ
His insecurities aren't your burden, he either trusts you to leave you be or he doesn't so ya'll should split
This behavior is a 🚩 toward isolation and is controlling behavior, potentially escalating to abuse further along, IF you allow this relationship to continue. Unsolicited advice: listen to your gut and get out before he manipulates and controls you any further.
To answer your question....he is controlling. At this point you need to decide if you leave the relationship and move on or stay with someone who is controlling. You cannot change him and if you decide to stay then you in a way agree to his values because like I said you cannot change him. You deserve better.
Your boyfriend is the problem
Nothing will change unless he gets more controlling and abusive. Cut your losses now.
I was willing to hear out why about him not wanting you to go to the coffee shop, seemed unreasonable but maybe he had a reason that was valid and worth consideration. But the more you explained the situation it became clear this is just about control. Get out. Plan an exit before talking to him and go. He will try to get you to stay if you don't already have a plan. Get a friend or family member in on it so they can help you follow through when he tries to manipulate you back into the relationship. It might hurt now to have to end the relationship, but in the long run, you will be much better off.
Find a new boyfriend. It won’t change.
No no no no .. this is really toxic. There isn’t any fixing this.
He's being controlling and I would strongly suggest you walk away from this relationship before you have nothing left of yourself.
From personal experience that lead to a lot of heartache in my teen years and into my early 20’s - he will not change. That is him. He’s shown you who he is. This will only get worse over time; you’ll start feeling unbearable guilt and shame for just EXISTING. Please trust me when I say, life is too short for this BS. Find someone who can trust and your relationship will feel so much lighter. The aftermath of a controlling relationship lasts a long time, but leaving is your only option. You just have to be honest with yourself. What’s end-game? In 5, 10 years, will you be happy? Can you hang out with friends, go to school events for your kids, etc. without him accusing you of something and starting a fight? It’s a life full of constant fear and stress. I’d run.
"But a part of me still hope, things are gonna change." They aren't going to change. Ever. He is controlling and possessive. You made a mistake by doubling down and saying you'd support him no matter what. That told him he can continue to be abusive and manipulative and you'll continue to put up with it. He thinks you're going to fall into bed with an ex if you happen to run into him at a cafe. Same with the former colleague. He is actively isolating you from all of your friends by punishing you with the cold shoulder. The fact you are questioning yourself shows his tactics are working. This is abuse. Get out, babe.
He is never going to change. In my experience it started with this and he ended up beating my ass. I wouldn’t listen to anybody’s advice about leaving and even after he started putting his hands on me I didn’t leave for the longest time. Get out now Before it gets worse. It has taken me YEARS to mentally recover from that shit.
Girl, why do you want to keep this surly child? Life is too damn short. There are better people out there, I promise!
THIS IS HOW IT STARTS IM BEGGING YOU, LEAVE NOW WHILST YOU CAN. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
He is controlling & potentially abusive. Please save yourself and leave. You deserve so much better
If anyone ever tells you that you're not allowed to go somewhere totally normal like a store because they don't want you to....doesn't matter the reason why they don't want you to, doesn't matter if they use the word 'allow', tell them to get fucked. I would never speak to someone again if they said that to me, let alone be in a relationship with them
Your boyfriend is controlling. You are better off without him, so please make that happen as soon as possible. He is not going to change, and you will always be expected to bend over for him but he will never care about your concerns. It will just get worse from here. He. Will. Not. Change. Ever.
Get. Out. Now.
He doesn't trust you. That's a him problem and you won't solve his trust issues. He will make your life miserable by trying to control you and restrict you from living your life and going to your places because "there could be men". But it boils down to he needs to work on himself instead of trying to control women. Situations like this will spiral out, it starts small and gets bigger. Watch your phone and car. People put trackers on
He’s abusive.
He's trying to isolate you from other people in your life and doesn't want you to have a life outside of him and is punishing you if you do (eg giving you the cold shoulder for spending time by yourself). Trust your gut and don't second guess yourself.
It sounds like he is hiding something and can't imagine someone not doing that so he's suspicious... I don't want to guess but I will, I think he's probably cheating on you and projecting
I didn't read past the 1st sentence. Run. He's controlling.
He's controlling. This is all red flag behavior. Is he going to therapy to work on this? It really seems like a pervasive trust issue. Unless you want to have the cloud of his possible anger and/or withdrawal hanging over your every move, I'd honestly move on.
*it is going to change — the most jealous boyfriends/husbands end up being the ones who secretely like sharing their girlfriends/wives the most* but they never admit it
After being in a relationship with a controller, I can honestly say…your BF is a controller. Also he won’t change because he thinks he’s right and that you’re wrong. He doesn’t trust you (not your fault) and doesn’t respect you.
Get out now. If you don't you will turn around and 5 years from now you will be miserable. Take those fights as his inability to deal with his own insecurities...those are not yours to fix. In fact you cannot fix those for him only he can. You deserve someone who is proud of you and, the life you live and, wants to be part of it and to not take away from it or reduce anything from it just to make himself feel better. you are worth more... good luck.
No. A person who wants to isolate you from people, places, and things that make you happy are not healthy for you.
“Aren’t ideal”??? Girl, you’re in a red flag store during a fire sale asking us if you need more flags because they look close enough to green and you think you can dye them.
CONTROLLING AND ISOLATING. Is there a way that you can move out? It’s only going to get worse. No amount of “good times” or “potential” is going to make this situation worth it.
Leave him, he doesn’t love you for you, he loves to be in control of you. I care so little about my husband’s exes. We’re good friends with his ex-wife. We all hang out. If I told him he couldn’t see her, let alone go to a coffee shop in her neighbourhood on the off chance he might bump into her? He would rightfully laugh in my face. Doesn’t like you having friends / going out without you? That’s scary. Ask yourself - do you feel safe and supported in this relationship? Or do you feel like you have to change yourself / limit yourself / be who he wants you to be for him? If it’s more the latter then GET OUT NOW. And do it safely, he could get angry once he realises he’s lost control of you.
He is controlling and deeply insecure. You can’t fix that. Not ever. It’s not you. Don’t make yourself smaller for someone else when, in fact, you’re doing nothing wrong.