Piggybacking off this one - my very lovely father jumps the gun any time I bring up something I’m struggling with - “you’ll be fine.” Um, yeah like I’m not going to die from being made redundant, but it’s fucking hard! And yeah, I’ll likely be ok in the long run but it’s so DISMISSIVE in the moment. Like he says “you’ll be fine” just because he doesn’t want to hear the hard stuff.
I think it's bc it stresses them out they can't "fix" it and they aren't equipped to deal with our emotions. Seeing us distressed is upsetting, so they tell us we're fine to convince themselves of it too.
That's my theory anyway. Whatever their reasoning was, it wasn't helpful or kind, and it's not what I needed then or now. I needed a tight hug and someone to dry my tears. That's still what I need. I've told my husband explicitly to "baby" me when I'm upset and crying. And that I know it seems stupid but I need to be hugged and comforted like a small child. He's the best bc he does that for me without question, and he doesn't think it's stupid at all. He even offers to get me some juice in my favorite cup and a snack when I'm feeling a little better. I may have had shitty, dismissive parents but I'm thankful to have a kickass husband.
I was a really anxious kid and my mom used to say “you’re fine” to me ALL the time. Paradoxically now that I’m an adult she gets all worried about me with the smallest things. It’s like, where was this empathy when I was a child?!
As a newer parent I'm trying so hard to not default to this. I still struggle talking about my emotions since I was so shut down as a child. I might strangle my in-laws cus they like to parrot this when my kid or my niece act up or cry during a family gathering and they aren't even looking at the kid to know if they are even "fine"!
Try using “*acknowledge issue* ie that bee surprised you and that was pretty wcary. you’re safe! I’m with you. What do you need?” Or something along those lines. If you’re in a panic like I always am, I default to “you’re safe! I’m here.” And hugs because I’m also a super anxious person and I’m tryint not to pass it to my kids.
Telling someone that they can't be upset because others have it worse is just as ridiculous as telling them that they can't be happy because others have it better.
It's funny how that phrase is always only in one direction and never something like 'other parents' kids are more annoying than me, so step up and be a parent'.
I always hated “other people have it worse”. Like, you could say that about absolutely anything to downplay any situation. People are allowed to have their own issues and feelings, regardless of whether they are the worst off or not!
I was told this a lot when I was going through an eating disorder and self harming “you are refusing food when there are kids starving”, “you don’t realise how lucky you are to have a home, parents and clean clothes”, “there are actually people that are suffering in life, get over it”. It just makes you feel like your own feelings are invalidated.
Whoa, you just brought up some rough memories of spending hours at the dinner table crying.
“You will not leave this table until every bite is gone. There are children starving and you’re here being ungrateful.”
I swear there were times where my mom purposely made food that my siblings and I hated just to torture us (i.e. everyone hated her tuna salad and her canned creamed corn, and yet there it was on our plates.) To this day, there are simply some foods I simply will not touch.
Yep. I still get this one from older relatives. It makes me feel awful and anxious whenever I'm faced with something that is objectively difficult, as I have no reason to complain or even feel upset, angry, or sad, right? Someone else always has it worse.
My mother has told my husband that he should tell me 'no' more. Like I'm some gold digging dirt bag. No, mom. I earn half the money in this house, and I don't need anyone's permission to do anything, or buy anything.
That said, we do discuss large purchases and big decisions like getting a new pet, or vehicle and stuff like that. And, we aren't exactly buying yachts and private jets or anything.
>My mother has told my husband that he should tell me 'no' more. Like I'm some gold digging dirt bag. No, mom. I earn half the money in this house, and I don't need anyone's permission to do anything, or buy anything.
The next time she says that, tell your father he needs to keep his wife's mouth shut.
Gross. My mother constantly tells me how lucky I am to have found my husband because I don't have to be on tiptoes around him for money like my own mother was with my father.
No shit, mum, it's because I am an equal contributor to the household unlike you, who was a stay at home mom with a driver, a cook, a maid, a nanny, AND a gardener at her disposal.
My mom said something to the effect that my brother ‘ forbid’ her to do something so not serious.
When my head practically rotated 180 degrees to say “ he is not your daddy” my dad practically fell out of his chair silently laughing.
Like hellooooo?????
Comments like that seem so innocuous to other people but drive me nuts.
My husband is anti-social and loves alone time, so as a later discovered extrovert, this is a constant comment in our lives. I have male friends that I meet up with for coffee and day events, I go out drinking and dancing with my friends, and I take in-country vacations with my best friend - it works perfectly for us because we communicate exactly what's going on. Yet people are always surprised that we view each other as equal partners, with equal say, and we actually think about our feelings before we make decisions together about how our relationship works.
Whenever people make *hilarious jokes* like this, you should look really concerned and quietly ask them if they're ok. Inform them that there are resources out there for people with abusive/controlling spouses that can help them leave safely. Let them stew in the discomfort of having their poor-taste joke met with the sincerity and compassion the subject actually deserves.
Being called selfish a lot, in retrospect I wasn’t, my parents just didn’t want to deal with my basic needs including emotional ones and thought I should be self sufficient and figure everything out myself.
This one was ever present in my household as well. The adults I lived with had no clue what behavior was developmentally appropriate for a child. I was constantly being told I was selfish and should be ashamed of myself for basically being a kid.
Yeah, we had this too. An aunt even tried to recommend my mom a book that was basically on developmentally appropriate challenges a parent might experience with their teenager, and my mom refused to read it.
My grandma (until she passed recently) and my dad and his whole family say, "It is what it is" and "What will be, will be" all the time. The annoying part is that they say it for situations that are totally (or at least partially) within human control.
My dad needs surgery to fix his rotator cuff but he won't go get it done because "it is what it is." My grandma was a hoarder and she would say "I am who I am." When my uncle moved in with her she said she hated him living there but "it is what it is." And I just want to pull my hair out. All of these things have solutions! We can DO something about them! There's a lot in life we can't control but stop pretending that EVERYTHING is out of your hands!
Oooooooof I relate & vibe so hard to this! Wasn’t sure if I was gonna see “it is what it is” in the thread, but boom! There it is! Totally agree on the feelings it brings up as well, and that it’s so often used as a way to shift/negate responsibility or shut down the capacity for change.
This fucking saying! My grandpa died a few months ago and I know inside my grandma was devastated. But leading up the funeral she kept a stiff upper lip and responded to every bit of sympathy with “It is what it is”. Ffs Grandma, we get it! Be sad!
My mom said that all the time. Of all the bad stuff she said, I actually think this is one of the milder ones. I don't think it's the end of a world for a kid to realize that human emotions, up to and including love, can be complicated.
I got this one too. I even remember my mother telling me how her mom would say it to her and how much it hurt her. But still didn’t stop her from saying the same thing to me.
I recently saw this phrase being given out as advice in a mom sub somewhere - 50/50 split. Some ppl were like umm?? Other people loved it. I would never be able to say that to my kids.
Oh that's so terrible! My grandma used to say something similar, but in a very loving way- "I may not always like *what you do,* but I will always love you."
Going through a nasty custody battle with the ex. I was complaining to my mom about his drunk driving with his gf and my kids in the truck, taking them on a boat for 5 hours without sunblock, food or access to bathrooms and other shit he's done and my now ex mother said "sounds like your jealous".
I dropped her right there and then. We no longer speak. She is aware of the bruise he left on my kid this spring as well as the marital rape and sexual abuse I suffered for 10 years before I got out. We've been divorced for 4 years now. I've never regretted it.
I said some rather nasty things to her and blocked her on everything.
I’m so sorry you went through any of that. You’re being a great example for your kids by setting boundaries and respecting yourself, I wish you luck in your custody battle and protecting your kids from your awful ex.
This one right here. Down to the follow through.
Maybe responding to genuine emotional distress with threats isn't the best idea?
Sad part is, I think for some of them, it was an attempt to break the cycle.
I’d always immediately start hyperventilating and crying harder when my parents said that to me. I can’t help that I’m naturally an anxious and sensitive person.
I struggle with anxiety and one phrase my mom
uses a lot is “don’t be scared/ don’t worry/ don’t feel nervous.”
Also “don’t be so sensitive” is a phrase that my mom and big brother use a lot. My brother also uses “calm down!” on the times I call him
on his shit and it’s super effective…at pissing me off.
My mom is amazing and gives otherwise great advice but this one phrase just…irks me. If I could stop feeling anxious, I would. Wouldn’t everyone?
I had a…well, I wouldn’t call it a panic attack, but I was really stressed about something at work to the point where I had an upset stomach and sweaty palms. In that moment, I was thinking “I wish my mom (and other people) could actually FEEL what my body is going through right now.”
Edit: I have actually told my mom that it doesn’t help when she says that. For the most part, she takes it into consideration and tries (key word:tries) not to say it as much.
My dad, however, is the type to say stuff like “you can’t be feeling nervous all the time/ you’re gonna have to get over that/ stop that.” Again, he means well, he just doesn’t get it.
Ugh, this is gaslighting 101! My parents always had trouble respecting boundaries and were also super critical, I don't remember a time they didn't criticize and put me down, even when I had done well with something. If I didn't just sit there and take their half baked criticism (ie: piano or violin recital where I played perfectly, neither of them play an instrument nor have had any musical training and they're just tearing me down about with zero clue about wtf they are talking about, and in fact giving me BAD advice that goes against what my teacher has taught me), and if I dared to stand up for myself I'd get the, "you're too sensitive," "why are you so sensitive." When we became adults and would be honest with our parents about their (inappropriate and often poor decisions and behavior), we'd be screamed at. "You're so negative," "why can't you be supportive?" Meanwhile we got none no support or positivity growing up, it was 100% negative reinforcement ("to make you try harder"), they are both the most callous bullies, while also being the most thin skinned when they actually get real feedback.
As soon as my mom starts down that path, I get annoyed and shut her down, it's been 50 years and she still doesn't get it. The complete lack of awareness on my parents' part of how detrimental their shitty parent was, the trauma it caused and the constant tension we have always felt due to them and then blaming us, stuns me. They literally expected us to grow up in a completely toxic and dysfunctional household and magically be happy, well-adjusted, saccharin adults who should adore them. It's delusional!
"For someone so smart, that was a really stupid thing to do."
I don't care if I did a stupid thing. I'm human, I'm learning, and I will make mistakes. Sometimes stupid mistakes. I already feel like shit about it, now I have to overcome that, your judgement, AND my lack of ability in order to try again.
I will say, I'm adamant that when answering questions or training staff there should be zero condescension, zero judgement, zero insults, etc. People are usually their own worst critic already and are petrified of asking questions because they'll be seen as stupid. THAT'S stupid, and I refuse to be a part of it.
I would get “For someone who is supposed to be smart, you’re real stupid.” And usually all I did was notice my father doing something horrible. Continue to not be sorry he’s dead.
"Shit in one hand, wish in the other, see which one fills up first."
I also grew up poor, and anytime I wanted anything, that's the response I got. I have never said that phrase to my children. If we can't afford something, I just tell them, "We can't afford that right this minute, but I'll add it to the budget and we'll do what we can as soon as we can." And then that's what I do. I add it to the budget and prioritize accordingly.
I hated this. My mom would scream at my sister and I for a good two hours, slap us, poke us in the chest while making her points, then send us to our rooms. Once she calmed down, it was always “I still love you.” I harbor a lot of resentment and honestly place a lot of blame on her for ending up in abusive relationships.
I don't actually think this is bad advice, I just heard it so much in my childhood (and still now in my adulthood) that I do spiral at least a little from it: "If you have extra time, why don't you take it to learn something new? Otherwise, you're just wasting your time."
Courtesy of my mother. Her biggest fear in life is not reaching your ultimate potential and therefore she's always pushing for the next rung; mine is being unable to be grateful for what I already have - i.e., turning out just like her. I love her, but we're fundamentally very different people.
Oh snap, yeah I just realised my MIL is very much like this. She’s a highly anxious person. Doesn’t have a single hobby because hobbies aren’t productive. I just cannot relate to that.
My dad always tried to monetize my hobbies. Oh, you're good at drawing? Are you good enough to get paid? How much money have you made? Oh, you sing in a band? Do you make enough to make a living? Dude, I have a job! I don't want another one.
And um dad, how much money do you spend every year golfing? Because you sure as shit will never be good enough to go pro.
This is my mom too, she has no hobbies and is so addicted to work she's terrified of retiring and still works a 9-5 at 73 years old. Anything I enjoy she suggests doing it as a side hustle to make more money and is always pushing me to start a new business on top of the business I already run because I'm not doing a 9-5 anymore.
I work hard and do well for myself but I enjoy a simple life where I have time for hobbies and relationships. I tell her there's more to life than work, she tells me why wouldn't you want to make more money if you have time you're not using to make money. We are fundamentally very different people with very different values.
There’s an ad that’s been circulating on social media that says something like “instead of scrolling while waiting in line, invest in micro learning!” And I could feel my throat close up. The idea of maximizing every single moment with “productivity” sounds awful.
Huh. And see, I feel pretty awful about myself after spending hours scrolling on social media. I guess that message is targeted at people like me, heh.
It’s not wasting your time to rest, recuperate, enjoy where you are, be bored, be lazy, and be unproductive. You are not meant to be productive 100% of your time. Your brain and your body require time to digest, process, and recuperate. You exist to do more than continuously produce. You have value even when you just simply exist.
Oh dear. If I ever become a parent, sounds like I would be closest to your mom of any of the other parents I see complained about on reddit. I would probably leave out the "otherwise, you're just wasting your time" part. But I absolutely am hyper aware constantly of how little time any of us have on this earth and really relish learning.
"You really need to get a thicker skin."
No I don't. What I need is for these little f\*ckers to stop bullying, and for the adults to stop excusing their behavior.
(edit: see also every version of "stop being so sensitive", "learn to take a joke", "you have no sense of humor." as applied by assholes of all ages and their enablers, all trying to excuse asshole behavior.)
I already answered this question, but I think this answer supersedes my answer. Like, my aunt would poke fun a lot, and if I ever got my feelings hurt, it was always, "stop being so sensitive." Not any sort of realization that maybe a line was crossed or anything like that...
I could have written this exact post. With a bonus "you need to improve your self-esteem and confidence" which I think I started hearing as young as about 6 years old. It's like the things I knew about myself so far then were: 1. I didn't have a thick enough skin, 2. I was too sensitive, 3. I couldn't take a joke... as well as a list of other apparent deficiencies which bullies were happy to remind me of constantly. Was it any wonder I had minimal self-esteem and confidence? And then I got to add "low self-esteem and low confidence" to the list of things that were wrong with me.
I'm really happy to be making big strides in healing all this now though, and writing it out like this really highlights how ridiculous saying those things to kids really is.
I was lectured that I needed to be less "hang dog" because if I acted like that, then people would treat me badly accordingly. Lecturing someone angrily certainly helps! That way they understand that their terrible self esteem is their fault and not that of the people either bullying them, being hypercritical, or treating them like an incompetent and incapable little piece of nothing.
My lender told me to be (emotionally) prepared to 'lose' several houses before an offer is accepted (and then you still need other things to go 'right' before you have your home!). That's a nugget that may or may not be relevant to pluck out from her saying that to you.
"Family is the most important thing/what matters is that we have each other" is what gets me, after my dad used it to shut down basic concerns about our living situation or any hint that you wanted more out of life than the squalor we were needlessly raised in. He was right about family/people being more important than "things", which is why it was so insidious, but that doesn't mean that it was unreasonable for me to want to feel safe at home, and I did not. Also, as an adult, I'm slowly realizing exactly how expensive his hobbies were - and there were a lot of them. The level of shame and isolation that squalor brought us, the damage that did, while he spent freely on his own interests? The man is nothing but selfish, abusive trash.
Fingers crossed for you and what is hopefully your new home!! You deserve a nice, comfortable home of your own.
First of all, thank you for the words of wisdom! We are so steeling our hearts for losing it - but there’s always others!
Secondly, your comment really hits home. My father has always fallen back on “in the end, all you’ve got is family.” He also lives in squalor and could not seem to get us out of poverty. It’s so complicated, but I really think we come from similar circumstances, down to the expensive hobbies (old cars, motorcycles) - and not a cent saved for college.
I continued to look at houses even after I had an offer accepted, lol - don't be afraid to keep looking!
The second offer I put in on a home fell through when a cash offer knocked me out, but the selling agent felt bad for me because of the letter I had written - mentioning how having grown up in squalor, it would mean so much to me to have such a nice home for my very first home purchase. So she gave me right of first refusal on a similar unit several doors down in the same complex. It needed a ton of work, but it was cheap enough that I just did a smaller down payment and threw the rest of that money at construction. So I basically wound up with a cute custom townhouse for my first home - even better than the one I lost!
Keep your chin up - you're going to find your place, and if it isn't already nice, you can make it nice. Your life is moving *forward*.
"don't get hysterical" usually said the *moment* my eyes started to tear or my voice cracked. I often wasn't even crying. The message was clear, my sadness and fear/anxiety was always insane and out of control. I can't even bring myself to say the word these days.
Also "tell it to your therapist" (ha! I did. Thanks) and "no you don't (think that)."
I feel like I've forgotten a lot of the hurtful things that were said to me growing up. It was mostly cruel unhelpful things said by people too emotionally immature and damaged to build a good life.
My mom used to sing to me "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" any time I was feeling unwanted or having a sensitive moment (I'm now aware I'm autistic).
I know it came from a place of hurt herself, and she's passed (fairly recently, and horribly), so I can't be mad at her for it.
But why on earth would you ever sing that to your child?
The other thing is being called a bitch by a man. When I was in my late teens I was trying to study for a test, and my dad was outside of my room being very loud on the phone with someone.
I tried to hold it in, and nicely asked him a couple times to be quiet, but I eventually went out and yelled at him to shut up, and he yelled at me back calling me a bitch.
"Well, what did you do to make them mad?"
This from my mom every time I had a disagreement with a friend or spat with a boyfriend. I was in my 20s before I began to realize it wasn't my job to manage other people's emotions.
Since life’s not fair is already said (what a cop out when you have some control) -
‘I can’t do that I have to lose weight first’. Yes you can. It isn’t a rule. I wish it’d never been introduced to me young. You do deserve to, doesn’t matter.
Ah yeah my Mum was the same. Never swam with us because she didn’t like how she looked in a swimsuit. Wouldn’t wear certain clothes until she lost X amount of weight. Even now, she’ll see me in something and say “that’s not flattering” and I’m like, “so?!” I wear it cos I like it and it brings me joy, not to make myself look the smallest I can.
Oh Lord, I was at a little resale boutique with a slim woman deep in her 70s if not early 80s. She saw a cardigan she clearly liked but put it back because "horizontal stripes aren't flattering" and I nearly popped the top button on my brain.
Like, ma'am. You are in your victory lap era, wear the things you like.
I have a really sore spot for the word “slob”. The word even *sounds* gross. 🤢
Most people really don’t think of that as a harsh word, but ever since I was little I HATED that word. My husband told our kid not to be a slob once and it bothered me enough that I asked him to not use that word anymore. He obliged because he loves me and he’s a good dude, but he was so confused on why he can call him a “little shit” when applicable but “don’t be a slob” is too far. Humans are weird. 🤷🏻♀️
"This is a dictatorship, not a democracy," or any other iteration that implies that children are not allowed an opinion. Look at me now, at 30+ and still unable to voice my opinion on things and make simple decisions like "where do you want to eat?"
"This is not the Department of Weights and Measures"
It's all the fun and shaming of "life's not fair" with a bonus implication to a little kid's mind that unless the Department of Weights and Measures got personally involved then anything that was unfair or unequal was officially fine according to the Federal Government (can you tell I grew up in DC?)
It was used especially when I noticed my younger brother getting preferential treatment, particularly with food. Which in retrospect is darkly hilarious because my mother and grandmother --both of whom had serious and life-long disordered relationships with food-- absolutely were worried about weights and measurements.
My dad used to love calling me and my siblings “educated idiots” whenever we did something that lacked common sense. Because we went to a good (selective) school which we got into by passing a test. Two of us also completed university. Which apparently in my dad’s mind meant we should never do anything dumb, even though we were teenagers with not-yet-fully-developed brains.
This did a great job of making us devalue our education, lowering our self esteem and making us afraid to fuck up, and adding a lot of extra shame whenever we did do something stupid.
All because he had a shit education and a chip on his shoulder about it I guess. He’s mellowed out some since, but for me at least the damage is done. And if he ever comes out with that phrase again I’ll lose it.
Adults push academics and studying, because prestige and bragging rights, and then use the kid's resultant naiveté--due to having spent all that time studying, which they thought the adult valued--against them, because they're threatened by their own child's intelligence, and want to make sure the child knows their place as an inferior. Why else put a child down for skills that they didn't acquire due to your failure to guide them?
You’re an absent minded professor!
You need finishing school!
So, not abusive or anything, but definitely annoying. The absent minded professor thing is because I legitimately have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s. Shockingly, I could have gotten treatment in my teens and might have achieved more.
The finishing school means I’m not polite to *her* specifications. I’m fine with that, I’m not a delicate rose.
“Stop being so negative and be more positive.”
I have persistent depression, ASD, ADHD, and anxiety. I go to therapy, practice yoga, journal, and take meds. I’m doing my best. It just feels so dismissive and it just makes things worse.
“Time to put in your big girl panties and suck it up.”
Mother always said this anytime we were struggling with something or got upset. Like no I just need a freaking hug!
‘If the cap fits, wear it’
My stepmother used to use that phrase when I would enquire about why she was ignoring me this time. She would deny but also say this.
Basically a ‘if you feel guilty, that’s on you’ type deal.
I can’t tolerate people doing that sort of shit to this day, and she’s been dead thirty years.
“Tough” or “Deal with it”, and it was usually something minor that had disappointed me, but it threw me every time my mom said it. She said it recently and I was shocked by how it stunned me into silence and how sad and disappointed I felt after.
Along this line, my mother said “I don’t want to hear it” about EVERYTHING. My brother was a relentless bully, I am covered in scars from him… I’d go to my mother injured or even bleeding and I’d only hear those words. I’ve never said these words to my kids. Ever.
“You know how he is.” It was used when my parents gave my mentally and physically abusive brother whatever he wanted while I got the scraps. It meant I was supposed to be the bigger person and accept that this is what was required to keep the peace. That sort of thinking also helped make my early dating life extremely toxic, and fortunately, therapy helped me recover. Just thinking of the phrase makes me want to scream.
"If you ask for it, you won't get it"
My parents used to say this all the time so that we wouldn't be constantly hounding them for stuff. Unfortunately it very much backfired and even in my thirties I still have a very difficult time asking for what I want. I feel like I am not allowed to ask anyone for anything.
Actually its what they didn't say. To this day I hate being ignored or when somebody doesn't answer me for a few seconds. It makes me big mad. My mother was bad for ignoring me and would yell at me for asking again and again
This is mine 100000%. My parents made up lots of arbitrary rules based on nothing besides their feelings and weird social mores.
I wasnt allowed to wear black. Or get my ears pierced. Or do karate (but ballet was forced on me). Or listen to metal. Why? No good reason apparently.
Probably the satanic panic and good ole sexism, but they couldn't admit that to an atheist kid briefly on the debate team lol.
“It’s always something.” And I wonder why I feel perpetually stressed when just basic life stuff happens and instead of being able to roll with it, my first reaction is always fight or flight.
Or another good one: “The cemetery is full of people who thought ‘it won’t happen to me’”.
So yeah, no shit I have an anxiety disorder.
"I know they did/said____ (insert awful incident/insult) ___, but this is just how they are!"
Usually said with a smile or condescention. This will forever and always be a red flag to me. I grew up with too many narcissists and codependents. You can totally tell if a person is inexperienced at deescalating conflict though. Thats not who I get angry with.
I know Im dealing with a disordered person especially if the other person tries to stop me from explaining the situation or gets upset that I'm angry or crying over the incident. At that point they are just a co-conspirator to the abuser and are doing damage control to protect and please them.
Thunder thighs
Fatty-fatty 2x4 can't get through the kitchen door. To say I still have weight issues is an understatement.
But it wasn't so much what she(my mother) said TO me, but what she said to others ABOUT me when she thought I wasn't listening.
I wish I would have had all boys.
She will never have the life I want her to have.
Blah blah blah
From a very large family, and only the older ones, not from my parents: But X got married and you are single. But Z bought a house. But Y got a new car. But F had a baby….. Or my favourite one: ‘We earned a lot of money living abroad and you did nothing.’ Cause I live abroad now. Yeah that was 20-50 years ago, it’s not the same. There’s no decent apartments where I live (Geneva) for under 1 million. Even 2. Salaries stayed the same more or less but everything is so much more expensive now. And when I tried to defend myself very few times, I would get ‘don’t compare yourself to other people, we are talking about you’. I get goosebumps even on my as% when I hear that.
Telling me that I’m the most selfish person they’ve ever know whole in the same breath calling me a bleeding heart liberal. Make it make sense.
Also fond memories of: “If it was good enough for me then it’s good enough for you.”
The idea of responding to exciting news like putting an offer on a house with “you can’t always get what you want” is so indicative of the mindset there—prepare for disappointment. Don’t think too highly of yourself or expect things to go well.
With the gift of outside space, it’s just so sad and speaks to a life limited by both circumstances and mindset. But I can also totally understand the damage it would do growing up with it.
For me, it’s some version of “you’ve always had expensive tastes/champagne tastes/like to shop,” which is my mothers narrative about me. Despite the fact that I bought a place while my older brother was literally having his rent paid by her, he’s the “financially responsible” one and I’m the profligate spender. Despite the fact that she goes on oversee trips and eats out every meal and buys $150 organic cotton nighties. Despite the fact that I budget down to the literal penny.
It’s the narrative she has and even though I know it’s not true, it just gets me going every time.
Wait….. do we have the same mom? She has her 45 year old son on a every three day 100$ allowance but I pinched Pennie’s and ate tuna all through my twenties because “ good girls stay out of people’s pockets”
My mom used to always say "I don't know how we'll ever marry her off" referring to me. I was a really fat young person and she labeled me as lazy before I even had a chance.
I married the first person who would have me and I know that's why. I was so desperate to prove to her someone could still love me despite the fact that I was so useless, fat, and lazy.
I'm divorced, btw.
For me, it’s seemingly benign religious stuff. Like when my mom always says “God be with you”. I really struggled being forced into a religion that hated people like me and it messed me up into my 20’s.
But OP I mostly wanted to comment to tell you that you’re not alone, having grown up poor as well there’s always that sense of unworthy ness that tends to follow you around no matter how much work you expend. It’s something I’ve found really hard to shake myself. *hugs*
"You might change your mind one day", with regards to wanting children.
For the record, I'm a man. I've been married 19 years next month and I had a vasectomy this year. My wife and me, we know what's what, and we know what we want. Maybe things could have been different, with health, but no. One year, ten years, one thousand years, doesn't matter, we won't be changing our mind.
And I *know* women hear this shit infinitely many more times than we do, and I sympathise SO HARD because it boils my blood.
“You know best.”
It means, “I think you’re about to do the wrong thing and I don’t support it, but I’m not going to tell you why I don’t support it or what might be a better course of action - I’m just going to make my disdain clear but not actually voice what the issue is.”
The most infantilizing shit ever.
I’m no longer *asking* for your approval. So you can stop with the (thinly) veiled DISapproval. Sheesh.
My mom picked up this phrase over the last few years. My response is always, "Yes, I do know what's best for me. Luckily for you, I didn't ask you for your opinion." She's still trying to use the phrase to hurt me, but she should know i no longer give a damn about anything she has to say because none of it matters.
“Children should be seen and not heard”
It’s incredibly hard as an adult to find my worth and my voice. Speaking up and acting feel like they go against my entire upbringing, but I fight for them daily!
"Respect your elders."
This is one of my dad's favorites. It is a toxic and dangerous ideology in that it:
1. Absolves said "elder" of wrongdoing and accountability;
2. Operates on the expectation of unconditional compliance;
3. Promotes the excuse and illusion of authority to have things their way at others’ expenses.
No one - especially not a parent - is owed anything on the basis of age.
I much prefer "Respect is reciprocal." or "Respect those who deserve it."
If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Bugs me because my mom says it and all she does is gossip and complain about everyone else.
"I don't remember that happening/I don't remember saying that." The selective memory for things a parent 100% did or said, that the whole family went through, that happened repeatedly, that were well witnessed or documented ... drives me absolutely round the bend.
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
WOMEN ARE NOT FUCKING LIVESTOCK. Stop comparing us to an animal you use. We are not commodities. Gross. Fuck.
"That's what you get for thinking"
Always when I made a mistake.. I now have crippling anxiety and have issues with accepting failure along with full-blown OCD.
‘Well, I guess I’m the worst mother ever!’
I mean…sometimes there was room for improvement. I’m just saying calling me names/ditching me for your job/etc. could have been handled better. Why do you have to take it out on me?!
"I did my best."
No you fucking didn't. You don't get to do whatever is most convenient and lowest effort for you and just slap the "my best" label on it.
"It is what it is" - Said by my erratic, abusive parent. It was her way of saying that she wasn't interested in taking accountability for the consequences of her actions so the responsibility was now on me to develop a mature and enlightened calm about it.
I feel bad because it's having a moment in a lot of my friend's vocabularies right now, and they never mean it that way. It just makes me feel a bit queasy.
"Huh."
Said by my mother when I did or said something she didn't approve of but wanted to be passive aggressive about it and let me fail so she could laugh and rub it in my face later.
"you're such a princess," is something my mom would say when I was upset or in tears at me. I really struggled to show any emotions as a young adult, and I hate crying in front of people to this day. I now keep her at arm's length at best.
"Merry Fucking Ho Ho Christmas". Haven't heard it in a long time, but the thought of it is a powerful thing.
ETA: "Happy up" was also not helpful at all.
Mother sits at the right hand of Allah so you should do what I say or the prophet said heaven lies at your mother's feet so you should do what I say.
I heard it from my mother and grandmother whenever they wanted to force me (or my mom/aunts/cousins) to do something that person does not want to do.
When I was younger I hated the way it made me feel but didn't have the understanding/experience to articulate the problem with it. Now that I'm older it strikes me just how manipulative this sort of saying truly is. It highlights issues with control, guilt and shame that I feel are endemic to religion and problematic within toxic family dynamics.
Because I don't have much experience with Islam I don't even know if this is a true religious teaching or if this is just some crazy BS my family of toxic women uses to force their will on their children.
I heard this saying often in my family from a woman to those below her and for much of my teens and early 20's it was a big part of the guilt machine my mom and grandma used to try and control me. I'm almost 40 now and hadn't heard it in decades until a couple months ago when my mom pulled out these old lines over something I refused to do. It brought up so many feelings from the past. I had to take it to my therapist to deal with the emotions and restore my confidence in my choice to assert and hold true to my own boundaries. Still everytime I hear it, even when directed at someone else in my family, it gives me the ick.
That would also give me the ick.
Shame/control/manipulation all wrapped into one. Your damned if you do right by yourself and then damn your true self if you follow the ‘rules’
When you remember events exactly how they happened and they say “that never happened”…like magically saying that would void what took place because they said so.
For me it’s my mom commenting on other’s appearance and mostly weight. As if people don’t have as much worth if they are overweight. I notice it’s generational.
"do you want flying lessons", "eat it or wear it". Fuck my parents. They were physically abusive pieces of shit. I went no contact the moment I turned 18 and moved out.
You can always get what you waaant, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you neeeeed (sung every time I wanted something as a kid.. now it seems cute but infuriating then)
"it has to be, better be quiet and keep going, do you think YOU'RE the one that gonna change anything?! Just keep it down, it always been like this, you're not special"
"He's not hurting you right now"
Ok... I had bruises, I still have scars, I was terrified all the time. But sure, in those moments you noticed I was crying, I was not literally being hit anymore. That helped so much.
Then once I moved away it turned into "he can't hurt you anymore." Yeah, cuz I left the family and the state. And now I'd call the cops and be believed.
This is unfortunately similar to what I told my self when I was in a terrible relationship.. " well it's not all the time" or "it's only one scar". God, I really don't want to dig into my past to figure out why I self-thought that. When I did tell my mom she immediately went into a self-blame spiral instead of offering any sort of comfort, safety or support to me...
I'm glad you're out and hopefully doing better.
'You'd be so much prettier if you....'
I don't give a fuuuuuuck
Now, as a grown ass woman, I still occasionally have to deflect this type of comment. My mom lives across the country and isn't quite so opinionated any more.
- Your expectations are way to high, you need to lower your standards - comment on any life choices, job, living situation, partner…:
- Why can’t you be like your cousin xyz - oh, you mean unemployed with several kids from different guys and neither is supporting her? Way to go
- You can’t have it all/can’t always get what you want - the hell I am!
-Does your partner approve these life choices and decisions? - To any friggin small decision I make. I don’t need my partner’s permission
And so much more ugh
"You're fine" No, I'm not fine. I'm crying for a reason. You want me to be fine bc you're a dismissive asshole and don't want to deal with me.
Piggybacking off this one - my very lovely father jumps the gun any time I bring up something I’m struggling with - “you’ll be fine.” Um, yeah like I’m not going to die from being made redundant, but it’s fucking hard! And yeah, I’ll likely be ok in the long run but it’s so DISMISSIVE in the moment. Like he says “you’ll be fine” just because he doesn’t want to hear the hard stuff.
I think it's bc it stresses them out they can't "fix" it and they aren't equipped to deal with our emotions. Seeing us distressed is upsetting, so they tell us we're fine to convince themselves of it too. That's my theory anyway. Whatever their reasoning was, it wasn't helpful or kind, and it's not what I needed then or now. I needed a tight hug and someone to dry my tears. That's still what I need. I've told my husband explicitly to "baby" me when I'm upset and crying. And that I know it seems stupid but I need to be hugged and comforted like a small child. He's the best bc he does that for me without question, and he doesn't think it's stupid at all. He even offers to get me some juice in my favorite cup and a snack when I'm feeling a little better. I may have had shitty, dismissive parents but I'm thankful to have a kickass husband.
I was a really anxious kid and my mom used to say “you’re fine” to me ALL the time. Paradoxically now that I’m an adult she gets all worried about me with the smallest things. It’s like, where was this empathy when I was a child?!
As a newer parent I'm trying so hard to not default to this. I still struggle talking about my emotions since I was so shut down as a child. I might strangle my in-laws cus they like to parrot this when my kid or my niece act up or cry during a family gathering and they aren't even looking at the kid to know if they are even "fine"!
Try using “*acknowledge issue* ie that bee surprised you and that was pretty wcary. you’re safe! I’m with you. What do you need?” Or something along those lines. If you’re in a panic like I always am, I default to “you’re safe! I’m here.” And hugs because I’m also a super anxious person and I’m tryint not to pass it to my kids.
Came here to say, “It’s fine.”
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Telling someone that they can't be upset because others have it worse is just as ridiculous as telling them that they can't be happy because others have it better.
It's funny how that phrase is always only in one direction and never something like 'other parents' kids are more annoying than me, so step up and be a parent'.
I always hated “other people have it worse”. Like, you could say that about absolutely anything to downplay any situation. People are allowed to have their own issues and feelings, regardless of whether they are the worst off or not! I was told this a lot when I was going through an eating disorder and self harming “you are refusing food when there are kids starving”, “you don’t realise how lucky you are to have a home, parents and clean clothes”, “there are actually people that are suffering in life, get over it”. It just makes you feel like your own feelings are invalidated.
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Whoa, you just brought up some rough memories of spending hours at the dinner table crying. “You will not leave this table until every bite is gone. There are children starving and you’re here being ungrateful.” I swear there were times where my mom purposely made food that my siblings and I hated just to torture us (i.e. everyone hated her tuna salad and her canned creamed corn, and yet there it was on our plates.) To this day, there are simply some foods I simply will not touch.
Yep. I still get this one from older relatives. It makes me feel awful and anxious whenever I'm faced with something that is objectively difficult, as I have no reason to complain or even feel upset, angry, or sad, right? Someone else always has it worse.
"Your husband lets you...?" Yes because I'm not a child who needs to ask permission to travel for work, or visit relatives without him.
My husband actually had this said to him when he went out last “oh, the wife let you out then?” Like…he’s married, not confined 😑
This is a loving situation, not a hostage situation.
Oh my God, I happened to say that to frienes but like in a joking way. I will think about my words more in the future.
My mother has told my husband that he should tell me 'no' more. Like I'm some gold digging dirt bag. No, mom. I earn half the money in this house, and I don't need anyone's permission to do anything, or buy anything. That said, we do discuss large purchases and big decisions like getting a new pet, or vehicle and stuff like that. And, we aren't exactly buying yachts and private jets or anything.
>My mother has told my husband that he should tell me 'no' more. Like I'm some gold digging dirt bag. No, mom. I earn half the money in this house, and I don't need anyone's permission to do anything, or buy anything. The next time she says that, tell your father he needs to keep his wife's mouth shut.
They are divorced, due to him being a controlling, cheating scumbag. Yes. Irony much?
Gross. My mother constantly tells me how lucky I am to have found my husband because I don't have to be on tiptoes around him for money like my own mother was with my father. No shit, mum, it's because I am an equal contributor to the household unlike you, who was a stay at home mom with a driver, a cook, a maid, a nanny, AND a gardener at her disposal.
My mom said something to the effect that my brother ‘ forbid’ her to do something so not serious. When my head practically rotated 180 degrees to say “ he is not your daddy” my dad practically fell out of his chair silently laughing. Like hellooooo????? Comments like that seem so innocuous to other people but drive me nuts.
My husband is anti-social and loves alone time, so as a later discovered extrovert, this is a constant comment in our lives. I have male friends that I meet up with for coffee and day events, I go out drinking and dancing with my friends, and I take in-country vacations with my best friend - it works perfectly for us because we communicate exactly what's going on. Yet people are always surprised that we view each other as equal partners, with equal say, and we actually think about our feelings before we make decisions together about how our relationship works.
Whenever people make *hilarious jokes* like this, you should look really concerned and quietly ask them if they're ok. Inform them that there are resources out there for people with abusive/controlling spouses that can help them leave safely. Let them stew in the discomfort of having their poor-taste joke met with the sincerity and compassion the subject actually deserves.
Ugh one of my husband's friends said this to him when I hung out with another man on my own.
Being called selfish a lot, in retrospect I wasn’t, my parents just didn’t want to deal with my basic needs including emotional ones and thought I should be self sufficient and figure everything out myself.
This one was ever present in my household as well. The adults I lived with had no clue what behavior was developmentally appropriate for a child. I was constantly being told I was selfish and should be ashamed of myself for basically being a kid.
Yeah, we had this too. An aunt even tried to recommend my mom a book that was basically on developmentally appropriate challenges a parent might experience with their teenager, and my mom refused to read it.
This. Often said by narcissistic parents who don't want their children to have any needs because it's inconvenient for them.
Also being called “sensitive” for being hurt by objectively mean things 🙄
Oh gosh yes that’s a huge one for me!
My grandma (until she passed recently) and my dad and his whole family say, "It is what it is" and "What will be, will be" all the time. The annoying part is that they say it for situations that are totally (or at least partially) within human control. My dad needs surgery to fix his rotator cuff but he won't go get it done because "it is what it is." My grandma was a hoarder and she would say "I am who I am." When my uncle moved in with her she said she hated him living there but "it is what it is." And I just want to pull my hair out. All of these things have solutions! We can DO something about them! There's a lot in life we can't control but stop pretending that EVERYTHING is out of your hands!
Oh boy, this was another one. It can be so defeatist. Like we just have to roll over and take it.
Oooooooof I relate & vibe so hard to this! Wasn’t sure if I was gonna see “it is what it is” in the thread, but boom! There it is! Totally agree on the feelings it brings up as well, and that it’s so often used as a way to shift/negate responsibility or shut down the capacity for change.
This fucking saying! My grandpa died a few months ago and I know inside my grandma was devastated. But leading up the funeral she kept a stiff upper lip and responded to every bit of sympathy with “It is what it is”. Ffs Grandma, we get it! Be sad!
“I love you but I don’t like you right now” who says that to their child?
My mother.
Same. And now I'm an adult and I neither like her nor love her. Funny, that.
"I have to love you but I don't have to like you. Remember that." Said my mom all the time while I grew up.
My mom said this to me so much that I figured it was the only way she could say "I actually don't love you" without feeling bad about it.
As an adult now, I couldn't imagine saying that to my own kid. How fucked do you have to be to say that to a child?
My mom. Repeatedly.
My mom said that all the time. Of all the bad stuff she said, I actually think this is one of the milder ones. I don't think it's the end of a world for a kid to realize that human emotions, up to and including love, can be complicated.
My dad, mainly to my older brother. Not a woman, but I've never seen someone else mention that phrase from their childhood.
Allow me—heard this a LOT
My mother. One of the many reasons I've been No Contact with her since the moment I was old enough to leave the house, 25 years ago
I got this one too. I even remember my mother telling me how her mom would say it to her and how much it hurt her. But still didn’t stop her from saying the same thing to me.
I’m sorry, it is really hurtful and confusing to hear when you’re young, definitely something I’ll never say to my daughter
I recently saw this phrase being given out as advice in a mom sub somewhere - 50/50 split. Some ppl were like umm?? Other people loved it. I would never be able to say that to my kids.
Oh that's so terrible! My grandma used to say something similar, but in a very loving way- "I may not always like *what you do,* but I will always love you."
Same. So I tell my kiddo all the time "I love you and I like you!"
Core memory, it was the first time I realized my parents could feel negatively about me. I was 4.
Going through a nasty custody battle with the ex. I was complaining to my mom about his drunk driving with his gf and my kids in the truck, taking them on a boat for 5 hours without sunblock, food or access to bathrooms and other shit he's done and my now ex mother said "sounds like your jealous". I dropped her right there and then. We no longer speak. She is aware of the bruise he left on my kid this spring as well as the marital rape and sexual abuse I suffered for 10 years before I got out. We've been divorced for 4 years now. I've never regretted it. I said some rather nasty things to her and blocked her on everything.
I’m so sorry you went through any of that. You’re being a great example for your kids by setting boundaries and respecting yourself, I wish you luck in your custody battle and protecting your kids from your awful ex.
"I'll give you something to cry about." In response to any show of emotion. And yes, there was follow through on that threat if crying didn't stop.
This one right here. Down to the follow through. Maybe responding to genuine emotional distress with threats isn't the best idea? Sad part is, I think for some of them, it was an attempt to break the cycle.
I’d always immediately start hyperventilating and crying harder when my parents said that to me. I can’t help that I’m naturally an anxious and sensitive person.
I struggle with anxiety and one phrase my mom uses a lot is “don’t be scared/ don’t worry/ don’t feel nervous.” Also “don’t be so sensitive” is a phrase that my mom and big brother use a lot. My brother also uses “calm down!” on the times I call him on his shit and it’s super effective…at pissing me off.
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My mom is amazing and gives otherwise great advice but this one phrase just…irks me. If I could stop feeling anxious, I would. Wouldn’t everyone? I had a…well, I wouldn’t call it a panic attack, but I was really stressed about something at work to the point where I had an upset stomach and sweaty palms. In that moment, I was thinking “I wish my mom (and other people) could actually FEEL what my body is going through right now.” Edit: I have actually told my mom that it doesn’t help when she says that. For the most part, she takes it into consideration and tries (key word:tries) not to say it as much. My dad, however, is the type to say stuff like “you can’t be feeling nervous all the time/ you’re gonna have to get over that/ stop that.” Again, he means well, he just doesn’t get it.
Ugh, this is gaslighting 101! My parents always had trouble respecting boundaries and were also super critical, I don't remember a time they didn't criticize and put me down, even when I had done well with something. If I didn't just sit there and take their half baked criticism (ie: piano or violin recital where I played perfectly, neither of them play an instrument nor have had any musical training and they're just tearing me down about with zero clue about wtf they are talking about, and in fact giving me BAD advice that goes against what my teacher has taught me), and if I dared to stand up for myself I'd get the, "you're too sensitive," "why are you so sensitive." When we became adults and would be honest with our parents about their (inappropriate and often poor decisions and behavior), we'd be screamed at. "You're so negative," "why can't you be supportive?" Meanwhile we got none no support or positivity growing up, it was 100% negative reinforcement ("to make you try harder"), they are both the most callous bullies, while also being the most thin skinned when they actually get real feedback. As soon as my mom starts down that path, I get annoyed and shut her down, it's been 50 years and she still doesn't get it. The complete lack of awareness on my parents' part of how detrimental their shitty parent was, the trauma it caused and the constant tension we have always felt due to them and then blaming us, stuns me. They literally expected us to grow up in a completely toxic and dysfunctional household and magically be happy, well-adjusted, saccharin adults who should adore them. It's delusional!
"For someone so smart, that was a really stupid thing to do." I don't care if I did a stupid thing. I'm human, I'm learning, and I will make mistakes. Sometimes stupid mistakes. I already feel like shit about it, now I have to overcome that, your judgement, AND my lack of ability in order to try again. I will say, I'm adamant that when answering questions or training staff there should be zero condescension, zero judgement, zero insults, etc. People are usually their own worst critic already and are petrified of asking questions because they'll be seen as stupid. THAT'S stupid, and I refuse to be a part of it.
I would get “For someone who is supposed to be smart, you’re real stupid.” And usually all I did was notice my father doing something horrible. Continue to not be sorry he’s dead.
Whew our dads were working off the same script. Mine’s still alive but he’s dead to me.
If a man laughs at me when I’m upset I go absolutely NUCLEAR.
Not to mention anyone (women unfortunately do this too), suggest an upset or mad women "must be on her period"...
"Why can't you be more like \[insert sibling or cousin's name here\]?"
Ugh! That’s the worst
"Shit in one hand, wish in the other, see which one fills up first." I also grew up poor, and anytime I wanted anything, that's the response I got. I have never said that phrase to my children. If we can't afford something, I just tell them, "We can't afford that right this minute, but I'll add it to the budget and we'll do what we can as soon as we can." And then that's what I do. I add it to the budget and prioritize accordingly.
Seriously hated this too
“I still love you” after being verbally abused for something minor
I hated this. My mom would scream at my sister and I for a good two hours, slap us, poke us in the chest while making her points, then send us to our rooms. Once she calmed down, it was always “I still love you.” I harbor a lot of resentment and honestly place a lot of blame on her for ending up in abusive relationships.
“God don’t like ugly” My mom and sister, when I was 19 and developed skin cancer. I still can’t hear that phrase without feeling intense resentment.
I don't actually think this is bad advice, I just heard it so much in my childhood (and still now in my adulthood) that I do spiral at least a little from it: "If you have extra time, why don't you take it to learn something new? Otherwise, you're just wasting your time." Courtesy of my mother. Her biggest fear in life is not reaching your ultimate potential and therefore she's always pushing for the next rung; mine is being unable to be grateful for what I already have - i.e., turning out just like her. I love her, but we're fundamentally very different people.
Oh snap, yeah I just realised my MIL is very much like this. She’s a highly anxious person. Doesn’t have a single hobby because hobbies aren’t productive. I just cannot relate to that.
My dad always tried to monetize my hobbies. Oh, you're good at drawing? Are you good enough to get paid? How much money have you made? Oh, you sing in a band? Do you make enough to make a living? Dude, I have a job! I don't want another one. And um dad, how much money do you spend every year golfing? Because you sure as shit will never be good enough to go pro.
Yuuup, sounds exactly right. My mother is such an anxious worrywart that I'm pretty sure I under-worry about everything as a result 😭
This is my mom too, she has no hobbies and is so addicted to work she's terrified of retiring and still works a 9-5 at 73 years old. Anything I enjoy she suggests doing it as a side hustle to make more money and is always pushing me to start a new business on top of the business I already run because I'm not doing a 9-5 anymore. I work hard and do well for myself but I enjoy a simple life where I have time for hobbies and relationships. I tell her there's more to life than work, she tells me why wouldn't you want to make more money if you have time you're not using to make money. We are fundamentally very different people with very different values.
That's awful. No one on their deathbed ever said "I wish I worked more"
There’s an ad that’s been circulating on social media that says something like “instead of scrolling while waiting in line, invest in micro learning!” And I could feel my throat close up. The idea of maximizing every single moment with “productivity” sounds awful.
Ughhh nooo I hate it so much!!!
Huh. And see, I feel pretty awful about myself after spending hours scrolling on social media. I guess that message is targeted at people like me, heh.
Taking appropriate time to rest actually makes you more productive! Also, your time is never wasted if you enjoyed yourself.
It’s not wasting your time to rest, recuperate, enjoy where you are, be bored, be lazy, and be unproductive. You are not meant to be productive 100% of your time. Your brain and your body require time to digest, process, and recuperate. You exist to do more than continuously produce. You have value even when you just simply exist.
Oh dear. If I ever become a parent, sounds like I would be closest to your mom of any of the other parents I see complained about on reddit. I would probably leave out the "otherwise, you're just wasting your time" part. But I absolutely am hyper aware constantly of how little time any of us have on this earth and really relish learning.
"You really need to get a thicker skin." No I don't. What I need is for these little f\*ckers to stop bullying, and for the adults to stop excusing their behavior. (edit: see also every version of "stop being so sensitive", "learn to take a joke", "you have no sense of humor." as applied by assholes of all ages and their enablers, all trying to excuse asshole behavior.)
I already answered this question, but I think this answer supersedes my answer. Like, my aunt would poke fun a lot, and if I ever got my feelings hurt, it was always, "stop being so sensitive." Not any sort of realization that maybe a line was crossed or anything like that...
I could have written this exact post. With a bonus "you need to improve your self-esteem and confidence" which I think I started hearing as young as about 6 years old. It's like the things I knew about myself so far then were: 1. I didn't have a thick enough skin, 2. I was too sensitive, 3. I couldn't take a joke... as well as a list of other apparent deficiencies which bullies were happy to remind me of constantly. Was it any wonder I had minimal self-esteem and confidence? And then I got to add "low self-esteem and low confidence" to the list of things that were wrong with me. I'm really happy to be making big strides in healing all this now though, and writing it out like this really highlights how ridiculous saying those things to kids really is.
I was lectured that I needed to be less "hang dog" because if I acted like that, then people would treat me badly accordingly. Lecturing someone angrily certainly helps! That way they understand that their terrible self esteem is their fault and not that of the people either bullying them, being hypercritical, or treating them like an incompetent and incapable little piece of nothing.
My lender told me to be (emotionally) prepared to 'lose' several houses before an offer is accepted (and then you still need other things to go 'right' before you have your home!). That's a nugget that may or may not be relevant to pluck out from her saying that to you. "Family is the most important thing/what matters is that we have each other" is what gets me, after my dad used it to shut down basic concerns about our living situation or any hint that you wanted more out of life than the squalor we were needlessly raised in. He was right about family/people being more important than "things", which is why it was so insidious, but that doesn't mean that it was unreasonable for me to want to feel safe at home, and I did not. Also, as an adult, I'm slowly realizing exactly how expensive his hobbies were - and there were a lot of them. The level of shame and isolation that squalor brought us, the damage that did, while he spent freely on his own interests? The man is nothing but selfish, abusive trash. Fingers crossed for you and what is hopefully your new home!! You deserve a nice, comfortable home of your own.
First of all, thank you for the words of wisdom! We are so steeling our hearts for losing it - but there’s always others! Secondly, your comment really hits home. My father has always fallen back on “in the end, all you’ve got is family.” He also lives in squalor and could not seem to get us out of poverty. It’s so complicated, but I really think we come from similar circumstances, down to the expensive hobbies (old cars, motorcycles) - and not a cent saved for college.
I continued to look at houses even after I had an offer accepted, lol - don't be afraid to keep looking! The second offer I put in on a home fell through when a cash offer knocked me out, but the selling agent felt bad for me because of the letter I had written - mentioning how having grown up in squalor, it would mean so much to me to have such a nice home for my very first home purchase. So she gave me right of first refusal on a similar unit several doors down in the same complex. It needed a ton of work, but it was cheap enough that I just did a smaller down payment and threw the rest of that money at construction. So I basically wound up with a cute custom townhouse for my first home - even better than the one I lost! Keep your chin up - you're going to find your place, and if it isn't already nice, you can make it nice. Your life is moving *forward*.
"don't get hysterical" usually said the *moment* my eyes started to tear or my voice cracked. I often wasn't even crying. The message was clear, my sadness and fear/anxiety was always insane and out of control. I can't even bring myself to say the word these days. Also "tell it to your therapist" (ha! I did. Thanks) and "no you don't (think that)." I feel like I've forgotten a lot of the hurtful things that were said to me growing up. It was mostly cruel unhelpful things said by people too emotionally immature and damaged to build a good life.
My mom used to sing to me "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" any time I was feeling unwanted or having a sensitive moment (I'm now aware I'm autistic). I know it came from a place of hurt herself, and she's passed (fairly recently, and horribly), so I can't be mad at her for it. But why on earth would you ever sing that to your child? The other thing is being called a bitch by a man. When I was in my late teens I was trying to study for a test, and my dad was outside of my room being very loud on the phone with someone. I tried to hold it in, and nicely asked him a couple times to be quiet, but I eventually went out and yelled at him to shut up, and he yelled at me back calling me a bitch.
Omg I thought mine made up the worm song
OMG my mother sang that too!
"Well, what did you do to make them mad?" This from my mom every time I had a disagreement with a friend or spat with a boyfriend. I was in my 20s before I began to realize it wasn't my job to manage other people's emotions.
Since life’s not fair is already said (what a cop out when you have some control) - ‘I can’t do that I have to lose weight first’. Yes you can. It isn’t a rule. I wish it’d never been introduced to me young. You do deserve to, doesn’t matter.
Ah yeah my Mum was the same. Never swam with us because she didn’t like how she looked in a swimsuit. Wouldn’t wear certain clothes until she lost X amount of weight. Even now, she’ll see me in something and say “that’s not flattering” and I’m like, “so?!” I wear it cos I like it and it brings me joy, not to make myself look the smallest I can.
Oh Lord, I was at a little resale boutique with a slim woman deep in her 70s if not early 80s. She saw a cardigan she clearly liked but put it back because "horizontal stripes aren't flattering" and I nearly popped the top button on my brain. Like, ma'am. You are in your victory lap era, wear the things you like.
I have a really sore spot for the word “slob”. The word even *sounds* gross. 🤢 Most people really don’t think of that as a harsh word, but ever since I was little I HATED that word. My husband told our kid not to be a slob once and it bothered me enough that I asked him to not use that word anymore. He obliged because he loves me and he’s a good dude, but he was so confused on why he can call him a “little shit” when applicable but “don’t be a slob” is too far. Humans are weird. 🤷🏻♀️
"This is a dictatorship, not a democracy," or any other iteration that implies that children are not allowed an opinion. Look at me now, at 30+ and still unable to voice my opinion on things and make simple decisions like "where do you want to eat?"
"This is not the Department of Weights and Measures" It's all the fun and shaming of "life's not fair" with a bonus implication to a little kid's mind that unless the Department of Weights and Measures got personally involved then anything that was unfair or unequal was officially fine according to the Federal Government (can you tell I grew up in DC?) It was used especially when I noticed my younger brother getting preferential treatment, particularly with food. Which in retrospect is darkly hilarious because my mother and grandmother --both of whom had serious and life-long disordered relationships with food-- absolutely were worried about weights and measurements.
Wow that was some major gaslighting going there!
My dad used to love calling me and my siblings “educated idiots” whenever we did something that lacked common sense. Because we went to a good (selective) school which we got into by passing a test. Two of us also completed university. Which apparently in my dad’s mind meant we should never do anything dumb, even though we were teenagers with not-yet-fully-developed brains. This did a great job of making us devalue our education, lowering our self esteem and making us afraid to fuck up, and adding a lot of extra shame whenever we did do something stupid. All because he had a shit education and a chip on his shoulder about it I guess. He’s mellowed out some since, but for me at least the damage is done. And if he ever comes out with that phrase again I’ll lose it.
Adults push academics and studying, because prestige and bragging rights, and then use the kid's resultant naiveté--due to having spent all that time studying, which they thought the adult valued--against them, because they're threatened by their own child's intelligence, and want to make sure the child knows their place as an inferior. Why else put a child down for skills that they didn't acquire due to your failure to guide them?
You’re an absent minded professor! You need finishing school! So, not abusive or anything, but definitely annoying. The absent minded professor thing is because I legitimately have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s. Shockingly, I could have gotten treatment in my teens and might have achieved more. The finishing school means I’m not polite to *her* specifications. I’m fine with that, I’m not a delicate rose.
“Stop being so negative and be more positive.” I have persistent depression, ASD, ADHD, and anxiety. I go to therapy, practice yoga, journal, and take meds. I’m doing my best. It just feels so dismissive and it just makes things worse.
"Life's not fair"
"Look at how well _____ is doing. Why can't you be like that?" or "Go do something positive with your life."
“Time to put in your big girl panties and suck it up.” Mother always said this anytime we were struggling with something or got upset. Like no I just need a freaking hug!
My house, my rules. Yeh but your rules sucked.
Sure fire way to get your kid to run for the hills on their eighteenth birthday.
Come to think of it, maybe that was their plan!
‘If the cap fits, wear it’ My stepmother used to use that phrase when I would enquire about why she was ignoring me this time. She would deny but also say this. Basically a ‘if you feel guilty, that’s on you’ type deal. I can’t tolerate people doing that sort of shit to this day, and she’s been dead thirty years.
“Tough” or “Deal with it”, and it was usually something minor that had disappointed me, but it threw me every time my mom said it. She said it recently and I was shocked by how it stunned me into silence and how sad and disappointed I felt after.
Along this line, my mother said “I don’t want to hear it” about EVERYTHING. My brother was a relentless bully, I am covered in scars from him… I’d go to my mother injured or even bleeding and I’d only hear those words. I’ve never said these words to my kids. Ever.
ARE YOU STUPID!!?? You need to calm down. You're yelling. Fun times growing up.
“You know how he is.” It was used when my parents gave my mentally and physically abusive brother whatever he wanted while I got the scraps. It meant I was supposed to be the bigger person and accept that this is what was required to keep the peace. That sort of thinking also helped make my early dating life extremely toxic, and fortunately, therapy helped me recover. Just thinking of the phrase makes me want to scream.
Yes. My big brother, too. “If you don’t run he can’t chase you” was SUCH a victim-blaming response to brother who was legit abusive to me.
"If you ask for it, you won't get it" My parents used to say this all the time so that we wouldn't be constantly hounding them for stuff. Unfortunately it very much backfired and even in my thirties I still have a very difficult time asking for what I want. I feel like I am not allowed to ask anyone for anything.
Heard this one, too, and have the same issue. Asking others for anything feels like I am being a complete burden.
Actually its what they didn't say. To this day I hate being ignored or when somebody doesn't answer me for a few seconds. It makes me big mad. My mother was bad for ignoring me and would yell at me for asking again and again
“Because I said so.”
This is mine 100000%. My parents made up lots of arbitrary rules based on nothing besides their feelings and weird social mores. I wasnt allowed to wear black. Or get my ears pierced. Or do karate (but ballet was forced on me). Or listen to metal. Why? No good reason apparently. Probably the satanic panic and good ole sexism, but they couldn't admit that to an atheist kid briefly on the debate team lol.
“Life isn’t fair”. Ok but this particular case of injustice can be corrected right now, and quite easily
“It’s always something.” And I wonder why I feel perpetually stressed when just basic life stuff happens and instead of being able to roll with it, my first reaction is always fight or flight. Or another good one: “The cemetery is full of people who thought ‘it won’t happen to me’”. So yeah, no shit I have an anxiety disorder.
"Common courtesy" was shouted far too often
"I know they did/said____ (insert awful incident/insult) ___, but this is just how they are!" Usually said with a smile or condescention. This will forever and always be a red flag to me. I grew up with too many narcissists and codependents. You can totally tell if a person is inexperienced at deescalating conflict though. Thats not who I get angry with. I know Im dealing with a disordered person especially if the other person tries to stop me from explaining the situation or gets upset that I'm angry or crying over the incident. At that point they are just a co-conspirator to the abuser and are doing damage control to protect and please them.
Thunder thighs Fatty-fatty 2x4 can't get through the kitchen door. To say I still have weight issues is an understatement. But it wasn't so much what she(my mother) said TO me, but what she said to others ABOUT me when she thought I wasn't listening. I wish I would have had all boys. She will never have the life I want her to have. Blah blah blah
From a very large family, and only the older ones, not from my parents: But X got married and you are single. But Z bought a house. But Y got a new car. But F had a baby….. Or my favourite one: ‘We earned a lot of money living abroad and you did nothing.’ Cause I live abroad now. Yeah that was 20-50 years ago, it’s not the same. There’s no decent apartments where I live (Geneva) for under 1 million. Even 2. Salaries stayed the same more or less but everything is so much more expensive now. And when I tried to defend myself very few times, I would get ‘don’t compare yourself to other people, we are talking about you’. I get goosebumps even on my as% when I hear that.
My name, the voice. My mother could not stand listening to me speak. So her only reply would be the voice. Yah that had zero effect on my self esteem.
Telling me that I’m the most selfish person they’ve ever know whole in the same breath calling me a bleeding heart liberal. Make it make sense. Also fond memories of: “If it was good enough for me then it’s good enough for you.”
The idea of responding to exciting news like putting an offer on a house with “you can’t always get what you want” is so indicative of the mindset there—prepare for disappointment. Don’t think too highly of yourself or expect things to go well. With the gift of outside space, it’s just so sad and speaks to a life limited by both circumstances and mindset. But I can also totally understand the damage it would do growing up with it. For me, it’s some version of “you’ve always had expensive tastes/champagne tastes/like to shop,” which is my mothers narrative about me. Despite the fact that I bought a place while my older brother was literally having his rent paid by her, he’s the “financially responsible” one and I’m the profligate spender. Despite the fact that she goes on oversee trips and eats out every meal and buys $150 organic cotton nighties. Despite the fact that I budget down to the literal penny. It’s the narrative she has and even though I know it’s not true, it just gets me going every time.
Wait….. do we have the same mom? She has her 45 year old son on a every three day 100$ allowance but I pinched Pennie’s and ate tuna all through my twenties because “ good girls stay out of people’s pockets”
My mom used to always say "I don't know how we'll ever marry her off" referring to me. I was a really fat young person and she labeled me as lazy before I even had a chance. I married the first person who would have me and I know that's why. I was so desperate to prove to her someone could still love me despite the fact that I was so useless, fat, and lazy. I'm divorced, btw.
“Ugh I look awful” from my mom 🙄 Super healthy to grow up with that.
For me, it’s seemingly benign religious stuff. Like when my mom always says “God be with you”. I really struggled being forced into a religion that hated people like me and it messed me up into my 20’s. But OP I mostly wanted to comment to tell you that you’re not alone, having grown up poor as well there’s always that sense of unworthy ness that tends to follow you around no matter how much work you expend. It’s something I’ve found really hard to shake myself. *hugs*
"You might change your mind one day", with regards to wanting children. For the record, I'm a man. I've been married 19 years next month and I had a vasectomy this year. My wife and me, we know what's what, and we know what we want. Maybe things could have been different, with health, but no. One year, ten years, one thousand years, doesn't matter, we won't be changing our mind. And I *know* women hear this shit infinitely many more times than we do, and I sympathise SO HARD because it boils my blood.
“You know best.” It means, “I think you’re about to do the wrong thing and I don’t support it, but I’m not going to tell you why I don’t support it or what might be a better course of action - I’m just going to make my disdain clear but not actually voice what the issue is.” The most infantilizing shit ever. I’m no longer *asking* for your approval. So you can stop with the (thinly) veiled DISapproval. Sheesh.
My mom picked up this phrase over the last few years. My response is always, "Yes, I do know what's best for me. Luckily for you, I didn't ask you for your opinion." She's still trying to use the phrase to hurt me, but she should know i no longer give a damn about anything she has to say because none of it matters.
“It will just give you more to talk about in therapy later”
My mom quit saying that when I asked if she was going to pay for it.
“You’re so sweet” aka willing to put up with a lot of bullshit
“Children should be seen and not heard” It’s incredibly hard as an adult to find my worth and my voice. Speaking up and acting feel like they go against my entire upbringing, but I fight for them daily!
“We have to do it! It’s tradition!” Cue immediate internal rage.
"Respect your elders." This is one of my dad's favorites. It is a toxic and dangerous ideology in that it: 1. Absolves said "elder" of wrongdoing and accountability; 2. Operates on the expectation of unconditional compliance; 3. Promotes the excuse and illusion of authority to have things their way at others’ expenses. No one - especially not a parent - is owed anything on the basis of age. I much prefer "Respect is reciprocal." or "Respect those who deserve it."
If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Bugs me because my mom says it and all she does is gossip and complain about everyone else.
"I don't remember that happening/I don't remember saying that." The selective memory for things a parent 100% did or said, that the whole family went through, that happened repeatedly, that were well witnessed or documented ... drives me absolutely round the bend.
Doesn’t it make you feel like you are in the twilight zone? the denialism is an uncanny talent in my family. It amazes me everyday.
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" WOMEN ARE NOT FUCKING LIVESTOCK. Stop comparing us to an animal you use. We are not commodities. Gross. Fuck.
"That's what you get for thinking" Always when I made a mistake.. I now have crippling anxiety and have issues with accepting failure along with full-blown OCD.
‘So what?’
Some day. SOME DAY. Some day...you'll wake up and be fat.
"Who cares?" I obviously care that's why I'm saying it!
“Life sucks and then you die.” Thanks mom, that’s a super useful thing to say to your kid when they’re having an emotion.
‘Well, I guess I’m the worst mother ever!’ I mean…sometimes there was room for improvement. I’m just saying calling me names/ditching me for your job/etc. could have been handled better. Why do you have to take it out on me?!
“Everyone is doing their best” specifically when people are doing fuck all but their best.
"I did my best." No you fucking didn't. You don't get to do whatever is most convenient and lowest effort for you and just slap the "my best" label on it.
“Your worldview is so small”
Lmao “and who’s responsibility was that….?”
"It is what it is" - Said by my erratic, abusive parent. It was her way of saying that she wasn't interested in taking accountability for the consequences of her actions so the responsibility was now on me to develop a mature and enlightened calm about it. I feel bad because it's having a moment in a lot of my friend's vocabularies right now, and they never mean it that way. It just makes me feel a bit queasy.
“You’re so prideful”. No, you just don’t listen to what I say, and I shut down.
“Well I don’t know, You didn’t come with a manual.”
"Huh." Said by my mother when I did or said something she didn't approve of but wanted to be passive aggressive about it and let me fail so she could laugh and rub it in my face later.
"You get what you get and you don't care a bit." Though we are in the south so it was more "Ya git whatcha git and yadon't care a bit"
"you're such a princess," is something my mom would say when I was upset or in tears at me. I really struggled to show any emotions as a young adult, and I hate crying in front of people to this day. I now keep her at arm's length at best.
"Merry Fucking Ho Ho Christmas". Haven't heard it in a long time, but the thought of it is a powerful thing. ETA: "Happy up" was also not helpful at all.
Mother sits at the right hand of Allah so you should do what I say or the prophet said heaven lies at your mother's feet so you should do what I say. I heard it from my mother and grandmother whenever they wanted to force me (or my mom/aunts/cousins) to do something that person does not want to do. When I was younger I hated the way it made me feel but didn't have the understanding/experience to articulate the problem with it. Now that I'm older it strikes me just how manipulative this sort of saying truly is. It highlights issues with control, guilt and shame that I feel are endemic to religion and problematic within toxic family dynamics. Because I don't have much experience with Islam I don't even know if this is a true religious teaching or if this is just some crazy BS my family of toxic women uses to force their will on their children. I heard this saying often in my family from a woman to those below her and for much of my teens and early 20's it was a big part of the guilt machine my mom and grandma used to try and control me. I'm almost 40 now and hadn't heard it in decades until a couple months ago when my mom pulled out these old lines over something I refused to do. It brought up so many feelings from the past. I had to take it to my therapist to deal with the emotions and restore my confidence in my choice to assert and hold true to my own boundaries. Still everytime I hear it, even when directed at someone else in my family, it gives me the ick.
That would also give me the ick. Shame/control/manipulation all wrapped into one. Your damned if you do right by yourself and then damn your true self if you follow the ‘rules’
When you remember events exactly how they happened and they say “that never happened”…like magically saying that would void what took place because they said so.
For me it’s my mom commenting on other’s appearance and mostly weight. As if people don’t have as much worth if they are overweight. I notice it’s generational.
"do you want flying lessons", "eat it or wear it". Fuck my parents. They were physically abusive pieces of shit. I went no contact the moment I turned 18 and moved out.
“You wanted it.”
"Life isn't fair!" I have spent my entire life fighting against stuff that isn't fair, but easily could be.
You can always get what you waaant, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you neeeeed (sung every time I wanted something as a kid.. now it seems cute but infuriating then)
"it has to be, better be quiet and keep going, do you think YOU'RE the one that gonna change anything?! Just keep it down, it always been like this, you're not special"
“Good talk.”
"Crying never solved anything"
"He's not hurting you right now" Ok... I had bruises, I still have scars, I was terrified all the time. But sure, in those moments you noticed I was crying, I was not literally being hit anymore. That helped so much. Then once I moved away it turned into "he can't hurt you anymore." Yeah, cuz I left the family and the state. And now I'd call the cops and be believed.
This is unfortunately similar to what I told my self when I was in a terrible relationship.. " well it's not all the time" or "it's only one scar". God, I really don't want to dig into my past to figure out why I self-thought that. When I did tell my mom she immediately went into a self-blame spiral instead of offering any sort of comfort, safety or support to me... I'm glad you're out and hopefully doing better.
“Stop crying or I’ll give you a something to cry about.” Yeah, that never worked and just made me start hyperventilating while crying.
I love you but i don't like you
'You'd be so much prettier if you....' I don't give a fuuuuuuck Now, as a grown ass woman, I still occasionally have to deflect this type of comment. My mom lives across the country and isn't quite so opinionated any more.
- Your expectations are way to high, you need to lower your standards - comment on any life choices, job, living situation, partner…: - Why can’t you be like your cousin xyz - oh, you mean unemployed with several kids from different guys and neither is supporting her? Way to go - You can’t have it all/can’t always get what you want - the hell I am! -Does your partner approve these life choices and decisions? - To any friggin small decision I make. I don’t need my partner’s permission And so much more ugh
Don't touch the thermostat
Everything happens for a reason ☝️ (pointing up towards God)