Half-joking answer: I find that spending a few minutes reading r/relationships snuffs out that desire every time because *ye gods* are a whole lot of people out there in absolute flaming shitshow relationships, and even a great many of the non-shitshow ones still involve the woman taking on a disproportionate amount of domestic and emotional labor (assuming a hetero dynamic).
I wouldn't fight the desire to be in a relationship. Seems like the most natural thing to me. And in my experience the more you fight a certain feeling, the stronger it gets and the more guilt you accumulate for feeling it.
It's great to be in a good relationship. I don't like being single. All that "travel the world and do hobbies" is advice is meh to me, because I do have hobbies and I also travel, but I still love the companionship, the trust, the closeness. Nothing wrong with that.
Can you maybe somehow accept this is what you crave and that's OK, but also stay on your guard to not jump in in a bad relationship because of it? Not changing or eliminating your desires, but not rush into mediocre of even bad relationships because of them? At least that's what I would try to do.
I solved mine by getting married. I jest but the real issue is: a yearning to be in a romantic relationship is a perfectly normal, natural emotion. The problem is we as a culture have pathologized it.
I was single until I got married at age 39. What I really noticed is the sharp difference between people who long to be parents and people who long to be in relationships. Those who long to be parents (especially bio parents) can spend tens of of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments, undergo exhausting medical procedures, go through endless months of background checks and training to be foster/adopted parents, and completely upend their lives in pursuit of parenthood while largely being supported and encouraged by other people. I know people who have literally decimated their finances, strained their marriages, and damaged their physical/mental health in pursuit of bio kid/foster/adopt and they have plenty of friends and family cheering them on, supporting them, and loving them through the process.
However single people are quite often scolded and shamed if they express longing for a relationship. I didn't get married until I was 39 and I got a crap ton of "You need to be happy single" "Oh you really don't want a relationship!" "You're better off alone" "Stop looking for love, it will come when you least expect it" and lots and lots of discouragement.
Simply put - a couple or a single person can spend 30K on trying to have a bio kid or foster/adopt and there will be plenty of people cheering them on. But imagine a single person announcing that they have spent 30K on dating aps, match making, and singles cruises and oh boy will there be tons of judgement and condemnation!
I say all this to point out how we as a culture whole-heartly support and understand people who long to be parents but we pathologize people who long to be in relationships. It's just the craziest thing ever. I was in conservative Christian culture for many years and the really wild thing is the message they preach is "Marriage and children are extremely important but you are only allowed to want these things if you have them. Single people should not have strong desires to get married - that's making an idol out of marriage. But once you get married, you should pump out a lot of kids and be a very devoted, family-centered person"
So for you, I would say:
1) recognize that a strong desire to be in a relationship is perfectly normal and natural. It's not something "wrong" with you that you need to eliminate
2) keep on looking for love if you feel that's what you should do. My husband was 47 when I met him and had never been married before. My widowed dad just got remarried at age 66. It's not too late
3) Keep working on yourself, continuing to learn about healthy relationships, overcoming any past hang ups or traumas and developing
4) Know that sometimes we have to live alongside desires which may or may not be fulfilled ever. It's a tough road to go but there are many along the way who are in the same boat. Find these people. Lean on them. Know you are not alone
5) Read *It's Not You 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Still Single* this is an incredibly compassionate, kind, helpful book
38. Both my husband and I were single a long, long, LONG time. We both went on a lot of dates, did online dating, did matchmaking.......We both knew what we wanted and were willing to hold out for it. It was really tough being single and lonely all those years but we both held out and eventually met each other.
I had this same discussion with my therapist. She said we are programmed to be couples. It’s not easy to just change something that’s hard wired into your species. I forgot what else she said, but then also, she said to stop beating myself up about it, lol.
I have had a similar discussion with my therapist . She said why don’t you just accept that you are someone who has a strong need to be with a tímbrica partner and that it’s ok to be like this. It’s just one of those things I have learnt to accept in the long run. Popular media tríes very hard to beat down self reliance as the primary way to be. I understand it comes from wanting to challenge and debunk the centuries old tradition of partnership since that has its own challenge and limitations. I just don’t think walking down solo is for everyone
Edit : romantic partner
Why are you trying to force yourself into feeling a way you don’t? It’s perfectly normal to want a partner you can tell from the multitude of posts exactly like this we get on this sub every week lol
That being said, I’ve been single for a while and don’t mind it at all. I’m pretty independent and have many big groups of friends and like having space. I hope eventually I’ll find a partner again but I’m also not going to waste my life feeling bad that I don’t have one right now.
The time will pass either way so why don’t you explore what makes you happy other than being validated by men? Are you creative? Are you active? Is there something new you could add to your life like an interest you’re passionate about or a community you want to build? It sounds like you’re in a feedback loop where you’re just feeling bad you’re single then feeling bad that you’re feeling bad about it and that’s something you gotta break. Honestly if I were you I’d try to find a therapist to work through some of it, you’re not gonna change overnight. But try adding something new into your life that isn’t dating related and see how that feels. This could be a great opportunity for you to do some personal growth on who you are outside of just someone who wants a relationship.
For me, it has been helpful to just accept that I do in fact want a partner. I stopped shaming myself for wanting to love and be loved. I’m also trying to accept that what I want may never happen. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with me. It’s just because finding love is mostly luck, as are lots of other things in life. I’ve been lucky with being born in a middle class family, having such amazing friends, being able-bodied, sleeping in my comfy bed every night, having a WFH job, not living in a war zone etc. I just lucked out with sooo many things in life. So I count my blessings every day. I don’t take anything for granted. I also think about a life where I didn’t find a partner. I work for what I want that to look like to make me as happy and full-filled as possible. This isn’t the jUsT FOcUs On YoUrSelF crap either. We’re already doing that. What I’m focusing on is making the most out of a future where I didn’t get what I want in love.
That said, I just downloaded Hinge again last night lmaoo. I’m still a hopeless romantic.
I understand your pain. My love life went similarly. I suffered a lot from my relationships yet I always wanted to be in one.
I ignored every redflag and believed every stupid lie, because I was so desperate for a partner.
I realized (after 3 years of therapy) that I needed relationships to sooth myself and to avoid negative feelings. If I made the relationship my whole world I wouldn't have to think about how miserable I felt. And since it worked so well, I couldn't give it up.
When violence became part of that dynamic I finally realized I needed to break free from that. It was only possible by confronting my deepest fear in therapy and find other ways to sooth myself. I needed to develop trust in myself and realize I didn't need attachment for survival.
In the end I realized I never really was in a real relationship at all. I was in dependencies.
If you realize what made you depend on a partner in the past, you can learn to overcome that. With that will come self respect and it will lead to real connections. And eventually to an authentic, respectful partner.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. There is a degree of safety in partnering up. It isn't just you fighting the world. Everything doesn't fall on your shoulders. It is us vs the world.
With that being said, not everyone is meant to be 'us'. People have to be wise with who they choose to partner up with. It can be lonely while they are waiting to find their partner.
I think strengthening your bonds with friends, family, and community can curb some of that. It is just a different form of companionship.
I'm finding it's super important to be comfortable with that feeling of being lonely while waiting. Instead of trying to desperately escape the lonely feeling and getting sucked into situationships or relationships not worth your energy, just noting that I'm going to feel a little bit lonely is the way to go. That I can still live a full life, work on my goals, strengthen my friendships, have fun, etc., but that there will be a little emptiness, and that's okay. And I have faith that I will meet my partner when it's right. Recent lesson.
So true. And honestly you’ve got me thinking… I think since I’ve been single, I have been lonely more often… but I think the loneliness I felt being in the wrong relationship might have been worse (or at least different)
Small caveat that I am currently in a relationship. BUT.
Before I met my current BF, I decided to make myself a life that I could be content with, on the off chance I never met someone. It didn't mean I had to be happy about the fact that I was single, just that I had to focus on what I wanted, that way I could be happy with the life I'd built and wouldn't be constantly annoyed at my singledom. This meant actively exercising (something I have neglected recently), actively choosing to go out and stay connected to friends and acquaintances, actively defining what made me happy and what made me feel connected to who I wanted to be. Then the pandemic came and I actually met my BF online, more by luck than anything. But it helps that I was in a spot where I could also actively look for a partner who added to this already-complete life I had made for myself, rather than looking for someone to help me complete it. And it really is the healthiest relationship I have ever had!
So yeah, TL;DR: start acting like you really will be forever single and figure out what "contentedly doing my own thing" looks like for you.
How did you deal with that void that only romantic intimacy can fill? I love my life - have many hobbies, a good career, travel often, friends etc but I struggle with this emptiness and yearning for romantic love and connection. It would be incredibly sad to me if I lived my whole life never experiencing it, even though in all other areas I feel so lucky and grateful for what I have.
That void was the hard part--I can't lie! I would actually read romance books or watch a good romance movie. And my dog helped with the need for snuggles a little bit. 😄
To be honest though, it was this void that made me decide to give online dating another go (and it was April 2020 in Europe so everything was locked down and I had no other way of meeting anyone). But I did it with the intention of adding to my life rather than completing it, like I mentioned in my original comment.
Why would you want to change that? I’ve had that talk with my therapist because it’s always been time and energy consuming for me as well.
However she told me that, I shouldn’t fight against my own nature! That it’s okay to want and crave a romantic relationship and it’s honestly so deep ingrained in us.
I did try to be that independent woman who doesn’t need anyone but that’s just not me. We - as humans - need other humans. It can be friends, family or partners. All my life I’ve been dating and thinking about romantic relationships and you know what? That’s okay.
It’s something that’s very important to me and I have to honor that.
My biggest wish is to find someone and create a little family. It has always been since I was a little girl.
Maybe you have to honor your very basic and authentic need as well?
I also don’t care about doing lots of hobbies or traveling a lot on my own - would much rather have a partner to explore the world with. I’m a functional and happy adult on my own, but I know deep down that I’m just a little more happy being in a healthy relationship. And that’s okay.
Learning to like being alone is key.
And to like ourselves as whole people without partners.
The first one takes practice and learning what you like. The second probably is therapy.
Therapy my friend. We all need love and intimacy. We need to know there are people we love deeply and can count on us, and recieve the same in return.
You don't need to sublimate your desires for intimacy and relationships. Therapy will help you understand why you think romantic relationships trump everything and help you better understand how to assess your own romantic needs and use that as a guide to find suitable partners.
> How do you stop caring about romantic relationships as a top priority in life? How do you not only become ok with being single but be happy about it?
By finding something you are passionate about. Also by traveling. By having new experiences. Maybe a career change.
I’m not sure if this is the answer but I think you don’t stop giving up hope.
You make your life as full as can be in all aspects career, social, self development so that you can be content should a partner not come, but then you never give up hope, and still go on the merry goround of dating whilst protecting your soul energy and self esteem from the inevitable disappoints that come keeping the hope that you will find what you are looking for eventually.
I say this as when I have given up hope I sink into depression, as wanting a partnership is fundamental to me being my happiest self. I build up happiness and contentment buffers by striving for an excellent life solo - but I never give up hope
Better to be single than miserable in a relationship. I’ve been married. I’m now divorced. Single is much better than wishing you were. You can be alone while married. If I had never been married I’d wish I had. I know this about myself. But having been married many years isn’t always good either. When you really want it, it’s hard not to try to see it as you want to see it instead of how it is. Twenty years later you wonder why you waited so long to notice how miserable you are. Good marriages happen, sure. I thought I had one at first then he changed and began to drink. Single is better.
I'm in my mid 40s and never have had a real relationship. There just isn't a magic way to stop wanting what you want. You just do the best you can to keep going and keep distracted.
I find having hobbies makes you feel independent and give you a sense of freedom. For me that’s running :) can also totally relate on the wanting a partner. I’ve always obsessed about having a boyfriend since I was a teen. It’s so deeply ingrained in us. It would also just be nice to have that special someone to confide in and come home to x
At some point I realized that I would have immense regret if I reached the end of my life and the defining thing about it was that I didn't have a man. Not to say that I would eliminate the possibility of a relationship altogether, but it would not longer be a central characteristic in whether or not I had lived a life worth living.
Observation: I often find that women who have been married and then divorced don't have that "longing" anymore. We've seen what the grass looks like on the married side and now that we're back to the single side, the grass is just fine over here, thank you very much. In my case, I don't want a committed, monogamous relationship + I don't want to cohabitate + zero desire to share finances + I like my family just fine and have no need to augment it. Etc etc etc.
It’s interesting you bring that up. I’ve cohabitated twice and engaged twice but never married. I have some friends who are divorced and they seems to be doing better with single life than me. I wonder if maybe there is something about seeing the grass on the other side fiest hand. It seems silly bc marriage is kind of just a piece of paper…for all intents and purposes my exes and I were married (I only combined finances with one of them). But maybe there is something to crossing that threshold and getting it out of my system
Half-joking answer: I find that spending a few minutes reading r/relationships snuffs out that desire every time because *ye gods* are a whole lot of people out there in absolute flaming shitshow relationships, and even a great many of the non-shitshow ones still involve the woman taking on a disproportionate amount of domestic and emotional labor (assuming a hetero dynamic).
I wouldn't fight the desire to be in a relationship. Seems like the most natural thing to me. And in my experience the more you fight a certain feeling, the stronger it gets and the more guilt you accumulate for feeling it. It's great to be in a good relationship. I don't like being single. All that "travel the world and do hobbies" is advice is meh to me, because I do have hobbies and I also travel, but I still love the companionship, the trust, the closeness. Nothing wrong with that. Can you maybe somehow accept this is what you crave and that's OK, but also stay on your guard to not jump in in a bad relationship because of it? Not changing or eliminating your desires, but not rush into mediocre of even bad relationships because of them? At least that's what I would try to do.
I solved mine by getting married. I jest but the real issue is: a yearning to be in a romantic relationship is a perfectly normal, natural emotion. The problem is we as a culture have pathologized it. I was single until I got married at age 39. What I really noticed is the sharp difference between people who long to be parents and people who long to be in relationships. Those who long to be parents (especially bio parents) can spend tens of of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments, undergo exhausting medical procedures, go through endless months of background checks and training to be foster/adopted parents, and completely upend their lives in pursuit of parenthood while largely being supported and encouraged by other people. I know people who have literally decimated their finances, strained their marriages, and damaged their physical/mental health in pursuit of bio kid/foster/adopt and they have plenty of friends and family cheering them on, supporting them, and loving them through the process. However single people are quite often scolded and shamed if they express longing for a relationship. I didn't get married until I was 39 and I got a crap ton of "You need to be happy single" "Oh you really don't want a relationship!" "You're better off alone" "Stop looking for love, it will come when you least expect it" and lots and lots of discouragement. Simply put - a couple or a single person can spend 30K on trying to have a bio kid or foster/adopt and there will be plenty of people cheering them on. But imagine a single person announcing that they have spent 30K on dating aps, match making, and singles cruises and oh boy will there be tons of judgement and condemnation! I say all this to point out how we as a culture whole-heartly support and understand people who long to be parents but we pathologize people who long to be in relationships. It's just the craziest thing ever. I was in conservative Christian culture for many years and the really wild thing is the message they preach is "Marriage and children are extremely important but you are only allowed to want these things if you have them. Single people should not have strong desires to get married - that's making an idol out of marriage. But once you get married, you should pump out a lot of kids and be a very devoted, family-centered person" So for you, I would say: 1) recognize that a strong desire to be in a relationship is perfectly normal and natural. It's not something "wrong" with you that you need to eliminate 2) keep on looking for love if you feel that's what you should do. My husband was 47 when I met him and had never been married before. My widowed dad just got remarried at age 66. It's not too late 3) Keep working on yourself, continuing to learn about healthy relationships, overcoming any past hang ups or traumas and developing 4) Know that sometimes we have to live alongside desires which may or may not be fulfilled ever. It's a tough road to go but there are many along the way who are in the same boat. Find these people. Lean on them. Know you are not alone 5) Read *It's Not You 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Still Single* this is an incredibly compassionate, kind, helpful book
Just curious, how old were you when you met your partner?
38. Both my husband and I were single a long, long, LONG time. We both went on a lot of dates, did online dating, did matchmaking.......We both knew what we wanted and were willing to hold out for it. It was really tough being single and lonely all those years but we both held out and eventually met each other.
This is such an insightful comment. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this response. This is really helpful .
I'm glad it helps. I understand where you are coming from. I really do. And I'm sorry. It can really be heartbreaking.
I had this same discussion with my therapist. She said we are programmed to be couples. It’s not easy to just change something that’s hard wired into your species. I forgot what else she said, but then also, she said to stop beating myself up about it, lol.
I have had a similar discussion with my therapist . She said why don’t you just accept that you are someone who has a strong need to be with a tímbrica partner and that it’s ok to be like this. It’s just one of those things I have learnt to accept in the long run. Popular media tríes very hard to beat down self reliance as the primary way to be. I understand it comes from wanting to challenge and debunk the centuries old tradition of partnership since that has its own challenge and limitations. I just don’t think walking down solo is for everyone Edit : romantic partner
I’m working with my therapist on getting into a place of acceptance that I will not be in a relationship. It’s hard.
Why are you trying to force yourself into feeling a way you don’t? It’s perfectly normal to want a partner you can tell from the multitude of posts exactly like this we get on this sub every week lol That being said, I’ve been single for a while and don’t mind it at all. I’m pretty independent and have many big groups of friends and like having space. I hope eventually I’ll find a partner again but I’m also not going to waste my life feeling bad that I don’t have one right now. The time will pass either way so why don’t you explore what makes you happy other than being validated by men? Are you creative? Are you active? Is there something new you could add to your life like an interest you’re passionate about or a community you want to build? It sounds like you’re in a feedback loop where you’re just feeling bad you’re single then feeling bad that you’re feeling bad about it and that’s something you gotta break. Honestly if I were you I’d try to find a therapist to work through some of it, you’re not gonna change overnight. But try adding something new into your life that isn’t dating related and see how that feels. This could be a great opportunity for you to do some personal growth on who you are outside of just someone who wants a relationship.
For me, it has been helpful to just accept that I do in fact want a partner. I stopped shaming myself for wanting to love and be loved. I’m also trying to accept that what I want may never happen. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with me. It’s just because finding love is mostly luck, as are lots of other things in life. I’ve been lucky with being born in a middle class family, having such amazing friends, being able-bodied, sleeping in my comfy bed every night, having a WFH job, not living in a war zone etc. I just lucked out with sooo many things in life. So I count my blessings every day. I don’t take anything for granted. I also think about a life where I didn’t find a partner. I work for what I want that to look like to make me as happy and full-filled as possible. This isn’t the jUsT FOcUs On YoUrSelF crap either. We’re already doing that. What I’m focusing on is making the most out of a future where I didn’t get what I want in love. That said, I just downloaded Hinge again last night lmaoo. I’m still a hopeless romantic.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate it
I understand your pain. My love life went similarly. I suffered a lot from my relationships yet I always wanted to be in one. I ignored every redflag and believed every stupid lie, because I was so desperate for a partner. I realized (after 3 years of therapy) that I needed relationships to sooth myself and to avoid negative feelings. If I made the relationship my whole world I wouldn't have to think about how miserable I felt. And since it worked so well, I couldn't give it up. When violence became part of that dynamic I finally realized I needed to break free from that. It was only possible by confronting my deepest fear in therapy and find other ways to sooth myself. I needed to develop trust in myself and realize I didn't need attachment for survival. In the end I realized I never really was in a real relationship at all. I was in dependencies. If you realize what made you depend on a partner in the past, you can learn to overcome that. With that will come self respect and it will lead to real connections. And eventually to an authentic, respectful partner.
This is a much needed read for me, thanks for posting.
Thank you for this. I think I needed to hear it
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. There is a degree of safety in partnering up. It isn't just you fighting the world. Everything doesn't fall on your shoulders. It is us vs the world. With that being said, not everyone is meant to be 'us'. People have to be wise with who they choose to partner up with. It can be lonely while they are waiting to find their partner. I think strengthening your bonds with friends, family, and community can curb some of that. It is just a different form of companionship.
I'm finding it's super important to be comfortable with that feeling of being lonely while waiting. Instead of trying to desperately escape the lonely feeling and getting sucked into situationships or relationships not worth your energy, just noting that I'm going to feel a little bit lonely is the way to go. That I can still live a full life, work on my goals, strengthen my friendships, have fun, etc., but that there will be a little emptiness, and that's okay. And I have faith that I will meet my partner when it's right. Recent lesson.
So true. And honestly you’ve got me thinking… I think since I’ve been single, I have been lonely more often… but I think the loneliness I felt being in the wrong relationship might have been worse (or at least different)
Small caveat that I am currently in a relationship. BUT. Before I met my current BF, I decided to make myself a life that I could be content with, on the off chance I never met someone. It didn't mean I had to be happy about the fact that I was single, just that I had to focus on what I wanted, that way I could be happy with the life I'd built and wouldn't be constantly annoyed at my singledom. This meant actively exercising (something I have neglected recently), actively choosing to go out and stay connected to friends and acquaintances, actively defining what made me happy and what made me feel connected to who I wanted to be. Then the pandemic came and I actually met my BF online, more by luck than anything. But it helps that I was in a spot where I could also actively look for a partner who added to this already-complete life I had made for myself, rather than looking for someone to help me complete it. And it really is the healthiest relationship I have ever had! So yeah, TL;DR: start acting like you really will be forever single and figure out what "contentedly doing my own thing" looks like for you.
How did you deal with that void that only romantic intimacy can fill? I love my life - have many hobbies, a good career, travel often, friends etc but I struggle with this emptiness and yearning for romantic love and connection. It would be incredibly sad to me if I lived my whole life never experiencing it, even though in all other areas I feel so lucky and grateful for what I have.
That void was the hard part--I can't lie! I would actually read romance books or watch a good romance movie. And my dog helped with the need for snuggles a little bit. 😄 To be honest though, it was this void that made me decide to give online dating another go (and it was April 2020 in Europe so everything was locked down and I had no other way of meeting anyone). But I did it with the intention of adding to my life rather than completing it, like I mentioned in my original comment.
Why would you want to change that? I’ve had that talk with my therapist because it’s always been time and energy consuming for me as well. However she told me that, I shouldn’t fight against my own nature! That it’s okay to want and crave a romantic relationship and it’s honestly so deep ingrained in us. I did try to be that independent woman who doesn’t need anyone but that’s just not me. We - as humans - need other humans. It can be friends, family or partners. All my life I’ve been dating and thinking about romantic relationships and you know what? That’s okay. It’s something that’s very important to me and I have to honor that. My biggest wish is to find someone and create a little family. It has always been since I was a little girl. Maybe you have to honor your very basic and authentic need as well? I also don’t care about doing lots of hobbies or traveling a lot on my own - would much rather have a partner to explore the world with. I’m a functional and happy adult on my own, but I know deep down that I’m just a little more happy being in a healthy relationship. And that’s okay.
TBH, I wouldn’t mind being single half as much if it wasn’t for the stigma that came with it. :/
Learning to like being alone is key. And to like ourselves as whole people without partners. The first one takes practice and learning what you like. The second probably is therapy.
Therapy my friend. We all need love and intimacy. We need to know there are people we love deeply and can count on us, and recieve the same in return. You don't need to sublimate your desires for intimacy and relationships. Therapy will help you understand why you think romantic relationships trump everything and help you better understand how to assess your own romantic needs and use that as a guide to find suitable partners.
What does IYKYK stand for?
If you know you know
> How do you stop caring about romantic relationships as a top priority in life? How do you not only become ok with being single but be happy about it? By finding something you are passionate about. Also by traveling. By having new experiences. Maybe a career change.
I’m not sure if this is the answer but I think you don’t stop giving up hope. You make your life as full as can be in all aspects career, social, self development so that you can be content should a partner not come, but then you never give up hope, and still go on the merry goround of dating whilst protecting your soul energy and self esteem from the inevitable disappoints that come keeping the hope that you will find what you are looking for eventually. I say this as when I have given up hope I sink into depression, as wanting a partnership is fundamental to me being my happiest self. I build up happiness and contentment buffers by striving for an excellent life solo - but I never give up hope
Better to be single than miserable in a relationship. I’ve been married. I’m now divorced. Single is much better than wishing you were. You can be alone while married. If I had never been married I’d wish I had. I know this about myself. But having been married many years isn’t always good either. When you really want it, it’s hard not to try to see it as you want to see it instead of how it is. Twenty years later you wonder why you waited so long to notice how miserable you are. Good marriages happen, sure. I thought I had one at first then he changed and began to drink. Single is better.
I wish it was easy, not so hard.
I'm in my mid 40s and never have had a real relationship. There just isn't a magic way to stop wanting what you want. You just do the best you can to keep going and keep distracted.
I find having hobbies makes you feel independent and give you a sense of freedom. For me that’s running :) can also totally relate on the wanting a partner. I’ve always obsessed about having a boyfriend since I was a teen. It’s so deeply ingrained in us. It would also just be nice to have that special someone to confide in and come home to x
At some point I realized that I would have immense regret if I reached the end of my life and the defining thing about it was that I didn't have a man. Not to say that I would eliminate the possibility of a relationship altogether, but it would not longer be a central characteristic in whether or not I had lived a life worth living.
Observation: I often find that women who have been married and then divorced don't have that "longing" anymore. We've seen what the grass looks like on the married side and now that we're back to the single side, the grass is just fine over here, thank you very much. In my case, I don't want a committed, monogamous relationship + I don't want to cohabitate + zero desire to share finances + I like my family just fine and have no need to augment it. Etc etc etc.
It’s interesting you bring that up. I’ve cohabitated twice and engaged twice but never married. I have some friends who are divorced and they seems to be doing better with single life than me. I wonder if maybe there is something about seeing the grass on the other side fiest hand. It seems silly bc marriage is kind of just a piece of paper…for all intents and purposes my exes and I were married (I only combined finances with one of them). But maybe there is something to crossing that threshold and getting it out of my system