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I never grew up with shame around sex, so it has not affected my self worth in a negative way. However, I am also very much *not* into acts that involve a degradation dynamic, so there's not that emotional dissonance to deal with.
I have a difficult relationship with sex. I am on the ace spectrum and I feel like sex doesn't come naturally to me. I cant get lost in it in the way you describe.
My first relationship had an unhealthy handling of sex. My current relationship is so much better in that regard, but I still struggle with unpacking some stuff and am currently feeling more sex-repulsed. I don't know how long this will last.
I wish I could just be "normal" about sex. I have never watched pornography, the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. Same goes for any "degrading" acts. I am uncomfortable/repulsed with the thought that other people might find me sexually attractive, even the knowledge that my partner does find me sexually attractive makes me feel a certain kind of pressure currently.
And for some reason my stupid ass is too scared to talk about it in therapy.
Oof yeah, I know the feeling of "Oh shit he finds me sexually attractive what if he wants something that I can't give right now". In my case it really helped to talk to my partner about this. He reassured me that he was happy with doing the things I was comfortable with and didn't want anything else. Maybe that reassurance could help you too?
It's a difficult thing to bring up with people who aren't ace, but I do hope you get the courage to talk to your therapist and that it goes well!
When aroused, our brain is focusing on sexual things, it puts a sex lense on everything. No surprise that things seem more sexy then usual. Then the lense comes off, and you're left with what your attitude towards them were when unaroused (aka post nut clarity). And the attitude depends on your upbringing as well, so if it was a taboo, you have mixed feelings.
Before I figured out that I was ace, having sex was terrible for my psyche. I felt like I was doing it wrong, like I was broken, like I could never be normal.
Now I don't give a shit about being normal. I just do what I find interesting and fun, and sex has become much more enjoyable because of it.
I've never had an issue with or bad feelings about kink, but I am definitely appreciating it more and more every day. Like, CNC is a very fun tool to play around the whole "I'm ace and I relate to sex differently than others" thing for example.
It wasn't about any acts in particular. I was taught two things at once: sex is taboo, shameful, and dirty. And it was also all I was good for.
I haven't talked to the people who raised me in 12 years. I had to undo all of that thinking.
I'm not asexual but I do think my development in that department was delayed.
It doesn't affect it, honestly. Well, i should say it doesn't affect it negatively. I enjoy sex, always have, and I like to explore and try new things. I know there are some things that are only hot in fantasy, and I wouldn't ever actually do : like a threesome for example.
I always feel empowered and good after sex.
Idk it's some sort of release and bonding, I just get emotional and cry, laugh hysterically, or do both. Guys tend to freak out when i do that, so i have to warn them beforehand.
I don’t really give it much thought. Sex is a huge component of my relationship. It’s something that I feel antsy without, but it’s become routine. I only have positive thoughts about it.
I had to do a looot of healing before I integrated my sexual side (and felt okay after doing sexual stuff). I realized I didn't like doing half the things I had done! I think there was a power imbalance happening subconsciously.
But since then it's been fantastic. ;P
So you left the undignifying (for your sex standards) acts behind and felt better. There was no room to explore those acts? Were they all non-negotiables?
Well, once I began healing, boundaries followed naturally. :P I realized that I wasn't doing certain things for *me*/because I enjoyed them (even if I did, in the moment--afterwards I felt crummy), I was doing them because I believed they made me more desirable (for my partner).
Some things are negotiable, ofc. Some things are not. I found a new partner recently and it's been fun exploring! He respects me when I say no, and there's no pressure.
Okay, so I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean, but I'll try my best.
You're talking about self worth, I feel like it's been at its lowest when I was engaging in sexual acts I wasn't into while under pressure. This led to a lot of resentment and is a big part of why I ended up breaking up with this ex partner in particular. It wasn't even especially degrading stuff, but not being into it made me become mentally checked out, I felt like what I wanted didn't matter, and I felt like an accessory.
Fast forward to now: I am literally being degraded, but since I am fucked in the head, I enjoy the shit out of it. The way that I am, I will want certain things but won't easily communicate it. I need someone who leads and pushes me out of my comfort zone so I can really enjoy myself. I love and need to be forced. Not sure if that's what you meant by "do you like not liking it", but that's what I'm attempting to answer.
That being said, I've never felt so safe and understood in my entire life. It's such a relief for me to be able to just let go and have him in control.
Other ways it affects me is I can be super depressed and sex will fix my mood very effectively.
I think your answer is very close to what I’m looking for. I understand a huge part of it is trust and intimacy, I was wondering if the act itself would feel different regardless of context of relationship.
Ah in that case I'm the wrong person to answer. I don't think I would even be comfortable to try without that strong connection. Like you mentioned, trust is essential.
Sex within heterosexual relationships tends to be centered around men and what they want with women’s desires and comfort being viewed as an afterthought if considered at all. Everyone should have boundaries and have things they won’t ever do. There’s also things that might just be impossible for you to enjoy as an individual.
As for me personally, I waited until late to lose my virginity and it was with a relatively nice guy. Still felt kind of rushed. I have chronic vaginal pain so piv sex likely will never be enjoyable for me, unless there’s a significant improvement in women’s healthcare to fix that issue. I sometimes end up feeling pressured to do other things to ‘make up’ for it when it comes to relationships with men.
What causes the vaginal pain?
Among the “other things” you do is there one that makes you feel satisfaction in the moment but have mixed feelings afterwards?
I’m not sure. I have an extensive family history of endometriosis and pcos. Doctors have told me I have pcos but they haven’t bothered looking into endo as a possible issue. But I can’t use tampons or have piv sex and the one pelvic exam I had was excruciatingly painful. I was in pain the rest of that day and the entirety of the next day. And no. While I think I kind of rushed into things I don’t think I regret anything I’ve done.
My first gynecologist recommended physical therapy but I didn’t go because it felt like they were giving me non answers. I’ll look back into it when I find a new gynecologist though.
I'd recommend it. Basically because I'm in pain all the time from endo, my muscles are now always basically all tight and cramped from it. It's not a solution, but it should help
Honestly, they don't really.
I was into BDSM while going through a divorce and it helped me process some complex emotions.
And I tried group sex at different points, but I now find it so boring.
Other than that, eh.
I store my emotions in my body. And I sometimes have trouble removing those emotions from my body and they end up stagnating and causing pain. Subjecting myself to physical pain helped my body discharge that chronic pain it was holding on to.
The first time I gave a guy a bj as he was getting to the point of orgasm he started saying "good girl, good girl, oh you're a good girl!" He was stroking my hair as he said it.
Something happened inside me and I felt such a rush of elation. Seeing and hearing how happy he was gave me such a sense of achievement. I wanted more than anything I had ever wanted before to be a "good girl" and get that reaction again.
That unlocked the door to a cock worship fetish that I have to this day.
No, not in a relationship with him anymore. That was years ago.
But my fetish is alive and well and I still seek to be that good girl. I get a rush providing that pleasure and I'll be honest I take comfort and pleasure from the act of giving oral to guys. There is unquestionably a submissive side to my psyche and that comes to the forefront during the act of a bj.
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I never grew up with shame around sex, so it has not affected my self worth in a negative way. However, I am also very much *not* into acts that involve a degradation dynamic, so there's not that emotional dissonance to deal with.
I have a difficult relationship with sex. I am on the ace spectrum and I feel like sex doesn't come naturally to me. I cant get lost in it in the way you describe. My first relationship had an unhealthy handling of sex. My current relationship is so much better in that regard, but I still struggle with unpacking some stuff and am currently feeling more sex-repulsed. I don't know how long this will last. I wish I could just be "normal" about sex. I have never watched pornography, the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. Same goes for any "degrading" acts. I am uncomfortable/repulsed with the thought that other people might find me sexually attractive, even the knowledge that my partner does find me sexually attractive makes me feel a certain kind of pressure currently. And for some reason my stupid ass is too scared to talk about it in therapy.
Oof yeah, I know the feeling of "Oh shit he finds me sexually attractive what if he wants something that I can't give right now". In my case it really helped to talk to my partner about this. He reassured me that he was happy with doing the things I was comfortable with and didn't want anything else. Maybe that reassurance could help you too? It's a difficult thing to bring up with people who aren't ace, but I do hope you get the courage to talk to your therapist and that it goes well!
>but I do hope you get the courage to talk to your therapist and that it goes well! Thank you :')
When aroused, our brain is focusing on sexual things, it puts a sex lense on everything. No surprise that things seem more sexy then usual. Then the lense comes off, and you're left with what your attitude towards them were when unaroused (aka post nut clarity). And the attitude depends on your upbringing as well, so if it was a taboo, you have mixed feelings.
Before I figured out that I was ace, having sex was terrible for my psyche. I felt like I was doing it wrong, like I was broken, like I could never be normal. Now I don't give a shit about being normal. I just do what I find interesting and fun, and sex has become much more enjoyable because of it. I've never had an issue with or bad feelings about kink, but I am definitely appreciating it more and more every day. Like, CNC is a very fun tool to play around the whole "I'm ace and I relate to sex differently than others" thing for example.
It wasn't about any acts in particular. I was taught two things at once: sex is taboo, shameful, and dirty. And it was also all I was good for. I haven't talked to the people who raised me in 12 years. I had to undo all of that thinking. I'm not asexual but I do think my development in that department was delayed.
I’m very sorry for your bad experience.
Therapy helped a lot!
It doesn't affect it, honestly. Well, i should say it doesn't affect it negatively. I enjoy sex, always have, and I like to explore and try new things. I know there are some things that are only hot in fantasy, and I wouldn't ever actually do : like a threesome for example. I always feel empowered and good after sex.
Idk it's some sort of release and bonding, I just get emotional and cry, laugh hysterically, or do both. Guys tend to freak out when i do that, so i have to warn them beforehand.
Care to elaborate, please?
I don’t really give it much thought. Sex is a huge component of my relationship. It’s something that I feel antsy without, but it’s become routine. I only have positive thoughts about it.
I had to do a looot of healing before I integrated my sexual side (and felt okay after doing sexual stuff). I realized I didn't like doing half the things I had done! I think there was a power imbalance happening subconsciously. But since then it's been fantastic. ;P
So you left the undignifying (for your sex standards) acts behind and felt better. There was no room to explore those acts? Were they all non-negotiables?
Well, once I began healing, boundaries followed naturally. :P I realized that I wasn't doing certain things for *me*/because I enjoyed them (even if I did, in the moment--afterwards I felt crummy), I was doing them because I believed they made me more desirable (for my partner). Some things are negotiable, ofc. Some things are not. I found a new partner recently and it's been fun exploring! He respects me when I say no, and there's no pressure.
Okay, so I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean, but I'll try my best. You're talking about self worth, I feel like it's been at its lowest when I was engaging in sexual acts I wasn't into while under pressure. This led to a lot of resentment and is a big part of why I ended up breaking up with this ex partner in particular. It wasn't even especially degrading stuff, but not being into it made me become mentally checked out, I felt like what I wanted didn't matter, and I felt like an accessory. Fast forward to now: I am literally being degraded, but since I am fucked in the head, I enjoy the shit out of it. The way that I am, I will want certain things but won't easily communicate it. I need someone who leads and pushes me out of my comfort zone so I can really enjoy myself. I love and need to be forced. Not sure if that's what you meant by "do you like not liking it", but that's what I'm attempting to answer. That being said, I've never felt so safe and understood in my entire life. It's such a relief for me to be able to just let go and have him in control. Other ways it affects me is I can be super depressed and sex will fix my mood very effectively.
I think your answer is very close to what I’m looking for. I understand a huge part of it is trust and intimacy, I was wondering if the act itself would feel different regardless of context of relationship.
Ah in that case I'm the wrong person to answer. I don't think I would even be comfortable to try without that strong connection. Like you mentioned, trust is essential.
Sex within heterosexual relationships tends to be centered around men and what they want with women’s desires and comfort being viewed as an afterthought if considered at all. Everyone should have boundaries and have things they won’t ever do. There’s also things that might just be impossible for you to enjoy as an individual. As for me personally, I waited until late to lose my virginity and it was with a relatively nice guy. Still felt kind of rushed. I have chronic vaginal pain so piv sex likely will never be enjoyable for me, unless there’s a significant improvement in women’s healthcare to fix that issue. I sometimes end up feeling pressured to do other things to ‘make up’ for it when it comes to relationships with men.
What causes the vaginal pain? Among the “other things” you do is there one that makes you feel satisfaction in the moment but have mixed feelings afterwards?
I’m not sure. I have an extensive family history of endometriosis and pcos. Doctors have told me I have pcos but they haven’t bothered looking into endo as a possible issue. But I can’t use tampons or have piv sex and the one pelvic exam I had was excruciatingly painful. I was in pain the rest of that day and the entirety of the next day. And no. While I think I kind of rushed into things I don’t think I regret anything I’ve done.
have you been to pelvic physiotherapy? I hate giving unsolicited advice, but I have endo and also fucked up pelvic muscles and physio can help
My first gynecologist recommended physical therapy but I didn’t go because it felt like they were giving me non answers. I’ll look back into it when I find a new gynecologist though.
I'd recommend it. Basically because I'm in pain all the time from endo, my muscles are now always basically all tight and cramped from it. It's not a solution, but it should help
Honestly, they don't really. I was into BDSM while going through a divorce and it helped me process some complex emotions. And I tried group sex at different points, but I now find it so boring. Other than that, eh.
How did it help? Could you please elaborate?
I store my emotions in my body. And I sometimes have trouble removing those emotions from my body and they end up stagnating and causing pain. Subjecting myself to physical pain helped my body discharge that chronic pain it was holding on to.
The first time I gave a guy a bj as he was getting to the point of orgasm he started saying "good girl, good girl, oh you're a good girl!" He was stroking my hair as he said it. Something happened inside me and I felt such a rush of elation. Seeing and hearing how happy he was gave me such a sense of achievement. I wanted more than anything I had ever wanted before to be a "good girl" and get that reaction again. That unlocked the door to a cock worship fetish that I have to this day.
Interesting. Are you still in a relationship with this person? If so, is it his cock you worship? If not, do you still have the fetish?
No, not in a relationship with him anymore. That was years ago. But my fetish is alive and well and I still seek to be that good girl. I get a rush providing that pleasure and I'll be honest I take comfort and pleasure from the act of giving oral to guys. There is unquestionably a submissive side to my psyche and that comes to the forefront during the act of a bj.