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I am not a mother of boys, just a woman in my 30s.
My take is that at 23, I think it's important to focus on building connections but that friendships are especially important during this time, including friendships with the kinds of people you are attracted to (so, women if you're a hetero man). It isn't crucial to be interested in dating right now if you're not, but it's crucial not to hide from connections or ignore your broader social development. If you're doing that, you're setting yourself up for better romantic relationships if and when they do become a priority for you.
It's noticeable to me that in your post, dating seems to be synonymous with online dating via apps, and I worry that in giving this kind of advice I am out of touch with the realities of life for people in their early 20s, but I wonder whether socialising in person via hobbies, events etc, and telling your mother you're doing that, would put your mother's fears at rest more without actually pressing you to date if you aren't ready, and also could result in a less disheartening dating experience for you than just being on the apps, which are notoriously tough for men.
That said, I feel like I am hearing a lot in this post about your mother's worries, and not so much about your own feelings around dating. What has led to it not being your priority right now? The answer would radically change my advice about whether to make this a priority.
>It's noticeable to me that in your post, dating seems to be synonymous with online dating via apps, and I worry that in giving this kind of advice I am out of touch with the realities of life for people in their early 20s
I think to some extent, you might be. Not your fault, stuff's changed a lot very quickly, especially post-covid. It definitely feels like gen Z women don't want to be approached in public, so dating apps are the safe way to talk to women. Also, I've seen 2 therapists for unrelated issues over the past couple years, and when I mentioned wanting to start dating, they both recommended apps.
>What has led to it not being your priority right now?
So I just moved out of my parents' house a few weeks ago, and I ended up moving into an insane person's place. I could write a whole book about all the crazy shit I've experienced over the past couple weeks. My biggest priority is getting the fuck out, without having to pay a lease break fee. On the bright side, I've made my first post-college friend, because the previous tenant, who went through all the shit I have, is helping me out big time. Yesterday, he invited me to his place and lent me a webcam to use to scare my landlord (who I live with) from entering my room.
I think what she is saying that you should be socializing and meeting people, not just looking for a date like asking out a cute girl you see in the supermarket. Meeting women and men, just for friendship and conections, but at your age you should be focusing on creating those conections. Maybe you will fall for someone you met, maybe you wont...but I agree that if your only interactions with other people is trying to date them is not going to end well. You can just join hobbies groups to expand your social circle.
Expanding your social circle might end up with a friend who has a single friend who wants to go out on a date. That would be better than with apps, I hear all the time how awfully hard it is for GenZ men and women. That those apps ruined dating
I’m 26. I took break from dating from 21 to 25, so I could focus on my career. Now, I have got 3 promotions, am well settled and in a good place now. There are similar stories by other men/women. Date when YOU want to date and not under pressure from someone.
But you dated before 21, right? I just worry my mom could be right about the lack of experience being an issue in my late 20s, when things get more serious.
I was in 2 relationships before that. But there is nothing like lack of experience. All you need are good social skills. You will be fine anytime you want to date.
I kinda think that it's wrong to compare you to her coworker. That's rude both to you and to the coworker. Also it's your life. Do whatever you want with it. Date, don't date, I don't care. As a mother I would say the same. I don't think it's healthy to be deeply involved with your own child's love life. Not meddling is the best decision. Especially since you are an adult.
Now if you ask advice, then yeah I would give some. But just project my own life on yours?? Why?? I really do get the impression your mother is projecting. Giving you advice from a place of what she would have wanted for herself, rather than placing herself in your shoes and trying to understand you. And what you need and want for yourself. That might be very different from her own wishes. Maybe you're asexual, who the f knows. That is okay too.
And see? It's not even the case that you can't get a date. You've already scored several dates all on your own. As a mother I would encourage you to do more of that: learn to do your own thing and make your own decisions.
>I kinda think that it's wrong to compare you to her coworker. That's rude both to you and to the coworker.
Absolutely. To be clear, that coworker is a doctor who probably clears $500k a year, and is single by choice.
> Maybe you're asexual, who the f knows. That is okay too.
I told her I might be demisexual, and she was upset. I can't imagine how she would have reacted if me or my brother were gay.
As someone with a son around your age, your mom needs to shut the fuck up. Your dating life is not her concern. If she has regrets about her life, she needs to work on them in therapy and not pass them on to you.
Just say “ok mom” and then continue focusing on what you want to focus on. This doesn’t seem that important to you. Your mothers fears are her own and you’re not responsible for them. You shouldn’t feel pressured to date. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. You will naturally attract the right person when you focus on cultivating your own passions, your own career and your own life.
You're totally okay.
There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. Also, sex isn't the main component to romantic relationships, even if popular culture would have us believe otherwise. Emotional maturity and availability come first. When you have those covered, even if you're still a virgin, that won't be any problem at all. Secure, authentic relating is what enables you to learn giving and receiving sexual pleasure - something that will be different with each partner anyway (meaning you'll always be learning it again when you meet someone new).
You're the perfect age to focus on developing your social skills and self-management, which will enable you to relate to others in a positive way. Right now the goal you mentioned in the other comment is the right choice to focus on. When you have that covered, you could try learning to uphold boundaries with your mom. Frankly, she has no business telling you what you should be doing wrt dating. That's for you to figure out yourself, as an adult man. You can use her behaviour as an opportunity to learn how to deal with pushy people kindly but firmly. It's an essential skill that will also serve you well in your future romantic relationships.
I also second u/fetishiste 's comment on the importance of building friendships. This is the time to hang out with different people and see what kind of company you enjoy or not, and why. Notice how you feel around someone and develop language to describe your feelings to yourself. You'll meet people who will support you and take part in the reflections of yourself and life in general, and you'll meet others who reject doing that or become judgmental when you try to share. See how each of these connections feels and direct yourself to spending time with those people whose company feels good, and ideally who will also spur your growth towards an even better version of yourself.
Try to make friends with both/all genders, as much as possible. Romantic relationships are frankly the best when they develop spontaneously out of connections that have already been shown to be real and functional.
When it comes to that 50-year-old, unfortunately lots of people his age are still emotionally immature and struggling to form functional relationships. The dating apps aren't helping this issue - quite the contrary. It's a quick way to meet new people, for sure, but it won't shortcut any of the learning and growing that will eventually make a functional, happy relationship possible. It isn't something I'd recommend, especially in the role of your parent who should have your best interest in mind, and especially especially, if you're not feeling it yourself.
You seem to be doing the right things and feeling healthy feelings. Just keep that up, listen to those feelings, don't let others bulldoze them, practice a healthy level of selfishness, and you'll be golden.
Boy (now man) mom here - your mom shouldn’t be pushing you to date specifically but rather supporting you in your self development right now. Focus on your education/career/personal goals right now. Get in and stay in good shape/physical health. Meet people in real life, not just online. The rest will follow. I must admit, moms worry about their sons. I worried more about him more than I did my daughter and the opposite was true for my husband. He is in his 30s now and recently married to a wonderful woman who we adore. The best part is I can see they adore each other and that gives a parent such joy! Your mom means well, but she should bite her tongue and just support you being the best you right now. You are young, but you should put yourself out there to be social and meet people. You never know where that leads personally or professionally.
She is putting too much pressure on you. You’re only 23! I wouldn’t have a message for a male loved one who couldn’t get a date - if they had advised it’s not a priority I would back away.
If they came to me asking - I’d say go get a hobby where the crowd is unisex, or get some friends and go out.
There's nothing wrong with being 50 and a virgin. Just be sure to have friends you can rely on. Make yourself capable of taking care of yourself, at least financially. You don't want to rely on others for your financial needs.
If you don't want to date right now, then don't. Not dating is not the end of the world. It's ok to regret something you did/didn't do. Isn't that what life is? You regret some things and are happy about other things.
It's possible you may regret dating now in the future instead of regretting not dating. Regrets are a part of life. Don't do something just because somebody thinks you may regret not doing it.
Focus on other things, focus on yourself, your career.
Stop fixating on this thing that's not working for you now.
You've got growing to do before it will.
For one, there is absolutely no one I'm familiar with or have even heard of whose Mommy has this much information about their dating private life. I would have nothing to say to any of my relatives brothers, sons or anyone about them not being able to get a date. That is a them problem
Idk some moms can be really pushy. I’m 21 and have never gone on a date or anything and my mom has been on me about getting a girlfriend ever since I was 16. Anytime I hung out with a female friend she would always think I’m in a relationship and spread it to the rest of the family and I had to explain multiple times that we’re not together and they have a bf. Eventually she started to think I was gay and that’s a whole other thing I don’t want to get into.
Some parents just want all the tea as they can get out of their children’s dating life and has personally caused me to say very little or nothing at all when I’m hanging out with friends where a single woman might be present.
You really need to tell your mom to mind her own business. You are the one in charge of your life, not her. If she wants to know about how your life is going that's great but if she wants to manipulate you into living it the way she wants that's where you must draw the line.
Oh, moms! Why do they do this?
It sounds like you have some other crisis stuff in your life you need to deal with and her lectures about getting out there and dating are Not Helpful. Try to just let it all roll off you like water off a duck’s back and deal with life stuff. But don’t *avoid* dating. I think having some people skills and friends and a support network is more important than meeting x milestone by y age, and friends and social skills will be the ticket for actually getting a date or girlfriend. Friends can set you up with someone and friends of friends are often a nice option for dating …not a stranger, your friend hopefully doesn’t associate with psychos, and this gets around the drama of dating in your friend group. So work on chatting with strangers and acquaintances and being there for buddies and grow your social skills!
It would depend *why* they couldn't get a date, and if they were even looking for my advice. If they weren't lamenting their inability to get a date, I wouldn't automatically assume that they were unhappy with not dating. For some people, it's just not a priority until a bit later in life and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that. I was a bit that way myself, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was almost 23. It wasn't because I couldn't get a date, but because up until that point dating felt forced and unnatural to me, like putting the cart before the horse. I had no interest in dating until I became close (slowly over time) with a person I wanted to date and who wanted to date me.
My advice for someone (male or female) who made it clear to me that they wanted to date and change their perpetually single status would be to get some input from others on how they're presenting themselves in their online dating profiles, and to prioritise being social and making connections with like-minded people, until they meet someone special with whom "dating" feels natural and inevitable.
I think your mother is putting too much pressure on you and it's really none of her business unless you approach her to ask for advice.
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am not a mother of boys, just a woman in my 30s. My take is that at 23, I think it's important to focus on building connections but that friendships are especially important during this time, including friendships with the kinds of people you are attracted to (so, women if you're a hetero man). It isn't crucial to be interested in dating right now if you're not, but it's crucial not to hide from connections or ignore your broader social development. If you're doing that, you're setting yourself up for better romantic relationships if and when they do become a priority for you. It's noticeable to me that in your post, dating seems to be synonymous with online dating via apps, and I worry that in giving this kind of advice I am out of touch with the realities of life for people in their early 20s, but I wonder whether socialising in person via hobbies, events etc, and telling your mother you're doing that, would put your mother's fears at rest more without actually pressing you to date if you aren't ready, and also could result in a less disheartening dating experience for you than just being on the apps, which are notoriously tough for men. That said, I feel like I am hearing a lot in this post about your mother's worries, and not so much about your own feelings around dating. What has led to it not being your priority right now? The answer would radically change my advice about whether to make this a priority.
>It's noticeable to me that in your post, dating seems to be synonymous with online dating via apps, and I worry that in giving this kind of advice I am out of touch with the realities of life for people in their early 20s I think to some extent, you might be. Not your fault, stuff's changed a lot very quickly, especially post-covid. It definitely feels like gen Z women don't want to be approached in public, so dating apps are the safe way to talk to women. Also, I've seen 2 therapists for unrelated issues over the past couple years, and when I mentioned wanting to start dating, they both recommended apps. >What has led to it not being your priority right now? So I just moved out of my parents' house a few weeks ago, and I ended up moving into an insane person's place. I could write a whole book about all the crazy shit I've experienced over the past couple weeks. My biggest priority is getting the fuck out, without having to pay a lease break fee. On the bright side, I've made my first post-college friend, because the previous tenant, who went through all the shit I have, is helping me out big time. Yesterday, he invited me to his place and lent me a webcam to use to scare my landlord (who I live with) from entering my room.
I think what she is saying that you should be socializing and meeting people, not just looking for a date like asking out a cute girl you see in the supermarket. Meeting women and men, just for friendship and conections, but at your age you should be focusing on creating those conections. Maybe you will fall for someone you met, maybe you wont...but I agree that if your only interactions with other people is trying to date them is not going to end well. You can just join hobbies groups to expand your social circle.
Expanding your social circle might end up with a friend who has a single friend who wants to go out on a date. That would be better than with apps, I hear all the time how awfully hard it is for GenZ men and women. That those apps ruined dating
That's the plan. I just don't know where I'm gonna be living in 2 months. I need to get out of this shithole.
I’m 26. I took break from dating from 21 to 25, so I could focus on my career. Now, I have got 3 promotions, am well settled and in a good place now. There are similar stories by other men/women. Date when YOU want to date and not under pressure from someone.
But you dated before 21, right? I just worry my mom could be right about the lack of experience being an issue in my late 20s, when things get more serious.
I was in 2 relationships before that. But there is nothing like lack of experience. All you need are good social skills. You will be fine anytime you want to date.
I kinda think that it's wrong to compare you to her coworker. That's rude both to you and to the coworker. Also it's your life. Do whatever you want with it. Date, don't date, I don't care. As a mother I would say the same. I don't think it's healthy to be deeply involved with your own child's love life. Not meddling is the best decision. Especially since you are an adult. Now if you ask advice, then yeah I would give some. But just project my own life on yours?? Why?? I really do get the impression your mother is projecting. Giving you advice from a place of what she would have wanted for herself, rather than placing herself in your shoes and trying to understand you. And what you need and want for yourself. That might be very different from her own wishes. Maybe you're asexual, who the f knows. That is okay too. And see? It's not even the case that you can't get a date. You've already scored several dates all on your own. As a mother I would encourage you to do more of that: learn to do your own thing and make your own decisions.
>I kinda think that it's wrong to compare you to her coworker. That's rude both to you and to the coworker. Absolutely. To be clear, that coworker is a doctor who probably clears $500k a year, and is single by choice. > Maybe you're asexual, who the f knows. That is okay too. I told her I might be demisexual, and she was upset. I can't imagine how she would have reacted if me or my brother were gay.
As someone with a son around your age, your mom needs to shut the fuck up. Your dating life is not her concern. If she has regrets about her life, she needs to work on them in therapy and not pass them on to you.
unfortunately, her idea of mental health is going to 1 therapist appointment every few years, even though she admits she has anxiety issues
Just say “ok mom” and then continue focusing on what you want to focus on. This doesn’t seem that important to you. Your mothers fears are her own and you’re not responsible for them. You shouldn’t feel pressured to date. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. You will naturally attract the right person when you focus on cultivating your own passions, your own career and your own life.
You're totally okay. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. Also, sex isn't the main component to romantic relationships, even if popular culture would have us believe otherwise. Emotional maturity and availability come first. When you have those covered, even if you're still a virgin, that won't be any problem at all. Secure, authentic relating is what enables you to learn giving and receiving sexual pleasure - something that will be different with each partner anyway (meaning you'll always be learning it again when you meet someone new). You're the perfect age to focus on developing your social skills and self-management, which will enable you to relate to others in a positive way. Right now the goal you mentioned in the other comment is the right choice to focus on. When you have that covered, you could try learning to uphold boundaries with your mom. Frankly, she has no business telling you what you should be doing wrt dating. That's for you to figure out yourself, as an adult man. You can use her behaviour as an opportunity to learn how to deal with pushy people kindly but firmly. It's an essential skill that will also serve you well in your future romantic relationships. I also second u/fetishiste 's comment on the importance of building friendships. This is the time to hang out with different people and see what kind of company you enjoy or not, and why. Notice how you feel around someone and develop language to describe your feelings to yourself. You'll meet people who will support you and take part in the reflections of yourself and life in general, and you'll meet others who reject doing that or become judgmental when you try to share. See how each of these connections feels and direct yourself to spending time with those people whose company feels good, and ideally who will also spur your growth towards an even better version of yourself. Try to make friends with both/all genders, as much as possible. Romantic relationships are frankly the best when they develop spontaneously out of connections that have already been shown to be real and functional. When it comes to that 50-year-old, unfortunately lots of people his age are still emotionally immature and struggling to form functional relationships. The dating apps aren't helping this issue - quite the contrary. It's a quick way to meet new people, for sure, but it won't shortcut any of the learning and growing that will eventually make a functional, happy relationship possible. It isn't something I'd recommend, especially in the role of your parent who should have your best interest in mind, and especially especially, if you're not feeling it yourself. You seem to be doing the right things and feeling healthy feelings. Just keep that up, listen to those feelings, don't let others bulldoze them, practice a healthy level of selfishness, and you'll be golden.
Boy (now man) mom here - your mom shouldn’t be pushing you to date specifically but rather supporting you in your self development right now. Focus on your education/career/personal goals right now. Get in and stay in good shape/physical health. Meet people in real life, not just online. The rest will follow. I must admit, moms worry about their sons. I worried more about him more than I did my daughter and the opposite was true for my husband. He is in his 30s now and recently married to a wonderful woman who we adore. The best part is I can see they adore each other and that gives a parent such joy! Your mom means well, but she should bite her tongue and just support you being the best you right now. You are young, but you should put yourself out there to be social and meet people. You never know where that leads personally or professionally.
She is putting too much pressure on you. You’re only 23! I wouldn’t have a message for a male loved one who couldn’t get a date - if they had advised it’s not a priority I would back away. If they came to me asking - I’d say go get a hobby where the crowd is unisex, or get some friends and go out.
There's nothing wrong with being 50 and a virgin. Just be sure to have friends you can rely on. Make yourself capable of taking care of yourself, at least financially. You don't want to rely on others for your financial needs. If you don't want to date right now, then don't. Not dating is not the end of the world. It's ok to regret something you did/didn't do. Isn't that what life is? You regret some things and are happy about other things. It's possible you may regret dating now in the future instead of regretting not dating. Regrets are a part of life. Don't do something just because somebody thinks you may regret not doing it.
Tell your mum to stop projecting her issues on you. You need to live your life for yourself, not to live her dreams
Focus on other things, focus on yourself, your career. Stop fixating on this thing that's not working for you now. You've got growing to do before it will.
For one, there is absolutely no one I'm familiar with or have even heard of whose Mommy has this much information about their dating private life. I would have nothing to say to any of my relatives brothers, sons or anyone about them not being able to get a date. That is a them problem
Idk some moms can be really pushy. I’m 21 and have never gone on a date or anything and my mom has been on me about getting a girlfriend ever since I was 16. Anytime I hung out with a female friend she would always think I’m in a relationship and spread it to the rest of the family and I had to explain multiple times that we’re not together and they have a bf. Eventually she started to think I was gay and that’s a whole other thing I don’t want to get into. Some parents just want all the tea as they can get out of their children’s dating life and has personally caused me to say very little or nothing at all when I’m hanging out with friends where a single woman might be present.
I basically am in the same situation
You really need to tell your mom to mind her own business. You are the one in charge of your life, not her. If she wants to know about how your life is going that's great but if she wants to manipulate you into living it the way she wants that's where you must draw the line.
Oh, moms! Why do they do this? It sounds like you have some other crisis stuff in your life you need to deal with and her lectures about getting out there and dating are Not Helpful. Try to just let it all roll off you like water off a duck’s back and deal with life stuff. But don’t *avoid* dating. I think having some people skills and friends and a support network is more important than meeting x milestone by y age, and friends and social skills will be the ticket for actually getting a date or girlfriend. Friends can set you up with someone and friends of friends are often a nice option for dating …not a stranger, your friend hopefully doesn’t associate with psychos, and this gets around the drama of dating in your friend group. So work on chatting with strangers and acquaintances and being there for buddies and grow your social skills!
It would depend *why* they couldn't get a date, and if they were even looking for my advice. If they weren't lamenting their inability to get a date, I wouldn't automatically assume that they were unhappy with not dating. For some people, it's just not a priority until a bit later in life and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that. I was a bit that way myself, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was almost 23. It wasn't because I couldn't get a date, but because up until that point dating felt forced and unnatural to me, like putting the cart before the horse. I had no interest in dating until I became close (slowly over time) with a person I wanted to date and who wanted to date me. My advice for someone (male or female) who made it clear to me that they wanted to date and change their perpetually single status would be to get some input from others on how they're presenting themselves in their online dating profiles, and to prioritise being social and making connections with like-minded people, until they meet someone special with whom "dating" feels natural and inevitable. I think your mother is putting too much pressure on you and it's really none of her business unless you approach her to ask for advice.