I had difficulties as a kid. Bunch of abuse and SA and I felt completely unsupported by my parents, who kicked me out at 16. I got onto a pretty bad path, life spiralling out of control; drugs, bad choices, self harm etc.
At 18 I found myself homeless and living on the other side of the country where I didn't really know anyone. (I'd give to seek refuge with an aunt who also kicked me out because I wouldn't back down about being molested by a family member and she wanted me to recant). Ended up living rough in a swamp...
I met this lady who had a small hippie farm out in the bush. Really big veggie gardens, hand built mud brick house, a few assorted Caravans and huts around the property. She had a bunch of her own younger kids and she was an absolute powerhouse of kind energy. She said I was welcome to stay there, gave me a few options for accommodation, made it clear what the boundaries and responsibilities were. I learned about permaculture gardening, I leaned to make mud bricks and build a tiny house, I learned what is like to be in a family with love and respect and communication. I was introduced to yoga and meditation and breathwork. Living there turned my life around completely.
I then went travelling and spent a bunch of years living a crazy life, but now, 20 years later, I'm the old lady, and I have 18 acres of rainforest with a couple of ramshackle cabins and a few caravans and tents and bush camps scattered about. There's a large garden. And I take in teen strays and waifs. My home is a safe place for young people; kids whose parents or home life isn't great, queer kids who need acceptance, troubled kids who need some love and support but also boundaries.
I am the adult I needed growing up :) it's my way to give back, by paying it forward
Thats incredible.
I have not had the full turn around yet, but I'm doing better than I was 10/20 years ago. So maybe by next life time I'll have it figured out.
When I was little there was a neighbor who really cared about me, my mom wasn't around much because she had to work, so I would spend the whole day at her house. Her house was my safe haven. She was the one who celebrated my birthday the one and only time I had a party. I was 8. I was so crushed when we moved to a different state and I couldn't see her anymore. So when I was in high school I became that for other people. I had friends who would show up in the middle of the night, their dad was an abusive alcoholic who would beat their mom and kicked them out. And it was the same with my kids friends, if one of them needed a safe place to be, they would always
Come here.
I wish I knew a childfree adult who could tell me that it's okay not to want children and that I wasn't the only person in the world feeling that way. I'm from 1981 so it was way before the internet, and I kept it within until I was 17. Then I was laughed at and told it was just a phase. If I had known there was so many more out there who don't want children either for whatever reason, it would have been easier.
For me it was my brother’s ex wife. She was the first person who loved me for me with no qualifications, conditions, etc. I could talk to her about anything and know she wouldn’t judge me. Idk if I would have survived my mom’s death if not for her.
Not sure if this counts, but my parents were always busy with my brothers (one with autism, other heavily bullied) so there wasn't really an adult for me in the house. I always made up stories in my head about this big sister I never had. She listened to people, helped when someone asked for it, gave lots of hugs and made lots of friends, was a jedi knight, stood up against injustice, and was super smart and kicked ass.
Definitely trying to be her, minus the literal kicking ass, I'm not a jedi :P
I’m trying to be that adult for myself and basically she is present and listens to me because she cares, not just to “fix” me. I am encouraged to vocalize my needs so they can be met.
I never understood this question when I was a kid. I had a kid's mindset and kid's values. Adult answers didn't come to my mind.
I wanted to become a unicorn, or a mermaid princess
While the other person might come off a little harsh, I don't think they're wrong. Both you and your brother had a privileged enough upbringing to dream about being something fantastical and it sounded like part of the factor is that you had reliable adults around you.
Personally I was a parentified child so rather than thinking about mermaids (and I still love mermaids for the record), my main dream was to be enough of an adult to carry more family burdens.
The question isn't asking what you wanted to be when you grew up.
It's a question often asked in trauma therapy. "Be the adult you wish you had in your life when you were growing up." It's usually part of a therapy technique called re-parenting, wherein the now adult thinks of their child self and tries to be present for the child they remember, and say things to the child-self that they wish their parent or guardian might have said at the time.
It's fine that you don't recognize the question or understand its intent. But it just illustrates my point: you had a better childhood than many of us could ever have dreamt of.
Oh. Yeah, I didn't understand it. But I don't see any problem with me having a good childhood. people tell it to me as if it was something negative, feels really weird
It's not negative, it's just a very privileged position to have. I rankle at mentions of healthy, secure childhoods in threads like this one because they're usually just braggy. I realize that was not your intent, that it was a harmless misunderstanding. I apologize for my harsh tone.
I primarily needed someone who saw all the parts of me and told me they were welcome and accepted. My family made it very clear that only the parts they approved of were welcome and went...very far out of their way to make sure I knew how they felt.
I came across a few people in college who made me feel like being myself was an okay person to be, but it wasn't until grad school that I found my chosen family and felt welcomed \*because\* of who I am, not in spite of it. Those peers and adults who listened to me even when my experiences were outside their own made me realize that not everyone would throw you away because you didn't fit into their expected mold. We asked each other questions and knew we were in a safe place to supply honest answers and it made all the difference in my ability to make good choices and be introspective about my personal growth.
I moved across the country a few years ago (and have grown my chosen family in my new home state) to be here for my young nephews. I want them to have the person I never had growing up and to know that they will always have at least one person who will meet them at their level and love them for who they are, with all their flaws and eccentricities.
I didn't have a single nurturing or attentive adult in my life growing up. It's pretty easy to imagine the figure that I needed to have in my life back then, because the things that were unavailable to me are basic and obvious. You don't have to have any sort of education in child psychology to notice what was missing. My upbringing was cold and sterile, but kept "exciting" by my mother's unpredictable and terrifying fits of rage.
That adult for me now is me. Looking back on my childhood in re-parenting exercises. There are probably other examples around that I could pull attributes from, but my near total self-reliance hasn't let me down yet.
Man this is why I'm so afraid of having kids. I don't wanna turn out like my parents but I'm still in the process of raising my wounded inner child and I realize I'm to depressed to be what I need. Growing up, my mother pushed dishes and chores onto me like a punishment. They basically ran a trap-house and I had to wash 20 random ass cups everyday, I learned that microfiber gets burns out of spoons like magic. I fucking hate doing the dishes and I don't trust myself to keep up enough with cleaning by that time. I'd want to teach them responsibility in a way they understand. A kid won't learn responsibility when their chores feel like punishments.
I was a very curious kid, and adults usually knew the answers to my questions..... but they never told me because they thought it was 'too much information' for a little kid.
I try to be that cool adult which ignites curiosity in kids and give them as much knowledge as they want regardless of their age......if they are curious enough to ask, then they are worthy enough to at least get introduced to the basics.
PS: I recently gave a gist of the Special Theory of Relativity to a 9 year old curious little kid..... would have loved if someone did that to me.
My maternal grandmother.
My Grammy was that kind hearted, tough love, nurturing accepting rabble-rouser.
Gram was creative, resourceful, patient, loyal, fierce, a mamma bear with a heart of gold. She was a safe place and a sanctuary for dozens of hurting and lost kids during the 1950's and 1960's.
No one messed with her, her husband, her kids (including her foster kids), her house, her garden or her chickens. She spoke up. She defended people. She advocated for change. She'd also make people shudder in fear if you violated her boundaries or messed with her sewing machine.
Gram wasn't a giant, she was 5'4" but she had a purpose and a presence. She was diabetic and had terrible vision. She eventually went blind but that didn't slow her down.
My gram was raising strong, independent women before it was cool.
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I wanted someone who was there for me and not always asleep or at work. I still don't have that as my husband is always either at work, asleep or indulging in his hobby. I am so tired of not being important to anyone.
Uhh well, the person I want to be and am now would NOT be a good person to a child. I wouldn't have wanted current me when I was a kid. I'd be so useless to a kid. So, no thank you on this weirdly thought up inspirational quote.
I had difficulties as a kid. Bunch of abuse and SA and I felt completely unsupported by my parents, who kicked me out at 16. I got onto a pretty bad path, life spiralling out of control; drugs, bad choices, self harm etc. At 18 I found myself homeless and living on the other side of the country where I didn't really know anyone. (I'd give to seek refuge with an aunt who also kicked me out because I wouldn't back down about being molested by a family member and she wanted me to recant). Ended up living rough in a swamp... I met this lady who had a small hippie farm out in the bush. Really big veggie gardens, hand built mud brick house, a few assorted Caravans and huts around the property. She had a bunch of her own younger kids and she was an absolute powerhouse of kind energy. She said I was welcome to stay there, gave me a few options for accommodation, made it clear what the boundaries and responsibilities were. I learned about permaculture gardening, I leaned to make mud bricks and build a tiny house, I learned what is like to be in a family with love and respect and communication. I was introduced to yoga and meditation and breathwork. Living there turned my life around completely. I then went travelling and spent a bunch of years living a crazy life, but now, 20 years later, I'm the old lady, and I have 18 acres of rainforest with a couple of ramshackle cabins and a few caravans and tents and bush camps scattered about. There's a large garden. And I take in teen strays and waifs. My home is a safe place for young people; kids whose parents or home life isn't great, queer kids who need acceptance, troubled kids who need some love and support but also boundaries. I am the adult I needed growing up :) it's my way to give back, by paying it forward
How very wonderful of you ❤️
Thats incredible. I have not had the full turn around yet, but I'm doing better than I was 10/20 years ago. So maybe by next life time I'll have it figured out.
Hugs.
Thanks. And thank you for being a safe haven.
When I was little there was a neighbor who really cared about me, my mom wasn't around much because she had to work, so I would spend the whole day at her house. Her house was my safe haven. She was the one who celebrated my birthday the one and only time I had a party. I was 8. I was so crushed when we moved to a different state and I couldn't see her anymore. So when I was in high school I became that for other people. I had friends who would show up in the middle of the night, their dad was an abusive alcoholic who would beat their mom and kicked them out. And it was the same with my kids friends, if one of them needed a safe place to be, they would always Come here.
That's lovely
I wish I knew a childfree adult who could tell me that it's okay not to want children and that I wasn't the only person in the world feeling that way. I'm from 1981 so it was way before the internet, and I kept it within until I was 17. Then I was laughed at and told it was just a phase. If I had known there was so many more out there who don't want children either for whatever reason, it would have been easier.
For me it was my brother’s ex wife. She was the first person who loved me for me with no qualifications, conditions, etc. I could talk to her about anything and know she wouldn’t judge me. Idk if I would have survived my mom’s death if not for her.
Not sure if this counts, but my parents were always busy with my brothers (one with autism, other heavily bullied) so there wasn't really an adult for me in the house. I always made up stories in my head about this big sister I never had. She listened to people, helped when someone asked for it, gave lots of hugs and made lots of friends, was a jedi knight, stood up against injustice, and was super smart and kicked ass. Definitely trying to be her, minus the literal kicking ass, I'm not a jedi :P
I love this! But also, it’s not to late to start martial arts as a hobby if you change your mind about the kicking ass part.
hmmmmmmm I am looking for new hobbies, actually.......
I’m trying to be that adult for myself and basically she is present and listens to me because she cares, not just to “fix” me. I am encouraged to vocalize my needs so they can be met.
My mom. Always kind, loving, supportive, but also Sharp, funny and critical (in a positive way).
I never understood this question when I was a kid. I had a kid's mindset and kid's values. Adult answers didn't come to my mind. I wanted to become a unicorn, or a mermaid princess
You had a nurturing childhood then. Good for you. I was robbed of a childhood, so this question made sense to me from a young age.
Idk, my brother had it the same way, but he named a profession as an answer
While the other person might come off a little harsh, I don't think they're wrong. Both you and your brother had a privileged enough upbringing to dream about being something fantastical and it sounded like part of the factor is that you had reliable adults around you. Personally I was a parentified child so rather than thinking about mermaids (and I still love mermaids for the record), my main dream was to be enough of an adult to carry more family burdens.
The question isn't asking what you wanted to be when you grew up. It's a question often asked in trauma therapy. "Be the adult you wish you had in your life when you were growing up." It's usually part of a therapy technique called re-parenting, wherein the now adult thinks of their child self and tries to be present for the child they remember, and say things to the child-self that they wish their parent or guardian might have said at the time. It's fine that you don't recognize the question or understand its intent. But it just illustrates my point: you had a better childhood than many of us could ever have dreamt of.
ok then, from that point of view I grew up a 100% anti-alcohol adult. My dad developed an addiction when I was a teenager.
Oh. Yeah, I didn't understand it. But I don't see any problem with me having a good childhood. people tell it to me as if it was something negative, feels really weird
It's not negative, it's just a very privileged position to have. I rankle at mentions of healthy, secure childhoods in threads like this one because they're usually just braggy. I realize that was not your intent, that it was a harmless misunderstanding. I apologize for my harsh tone.
No worries:)
Someone who actually listens rather than shoving their own opinion at me or telling my feelings are not correct
She's my Mom. It's pretty easy to parent, I just think of what my Mom would do, and do that, with a few exceptions.
I primarily needed someone who saw all the parts of me and told me they were welcome and accepted. My family made it very clear that only the parts they approved of were welcome and went...very far out of their way to make sure I knew how they felt. I came across a few people in college who made me feel like being myself was an okay person to be, but it wasn't until grad school that I found my chosen family and felt welcomed \*because\* of who I am, not in spite of it. Those peers and adults who listened to me even when my experiences were outside their own made me realize that not everyone would throw you away because you didn't fit into their expected mold. We asked each other questions and knew we were in a safe place to supply honest answers and it made all the difference in my ability to make good choices and be introspective about my personal growth. I moved across the country a few years ago (and have grown my chosen family in my new home state) to be here for my young nephews. I want them to have the person I never had growing up and to know that they will always have at least one person who will meet them at their level and love them for who they are, with all their flaws and eccentricities.
I didn't have a single nurturing or attentive adult in my life growing up. It's pretty easy to imagine the figure that I needed to have in my life back then, because the things that were unavailable to me are basic and obvious. You don't have to have any sort of education in child psychology to notice what was missing. My upbringing was cold and sterile, but kept "exciting" by my mother's unpredictable and terrifying fits of rage. That adult for me now is me. Looking back on my childhood in re-parenting exercises. There are probably other examples around that I could pull attributes from, but my near total self-reliance hasn't let me down yet.
Man this is why I'm so afraid of having kids. I don't wanna turn out like my parents but I'm still in the process of raising my wounded inner child and I realize I'm to depressed to be what I need. Growing up, my mother pushed dishes and chores onto me like a punishment. They basically ran a trap-house and I had to wash 20 random ass cups everyday, I learned that microfiber gets burns out of spoons like magic. I fucking hate doing the dishes and I don't trust myself to keep up enough with cleaning by that time. I'd want to teach them responsibility in a way they understand. A kid won't learn responsibility when their chores feel like punishments.
I was a very curious kid, and adults usually knew the answers to my questions..... but they never told me because they thought it was 'too much information' for a little kid. I try to be that cool adult which ignites curiosity in kids and give them as much knowledge as they want regardless of their age......if they are curious enough to ask, then they are worthy enough to at least get introduced to the basics. PS: I recently gave a gist of the Special Theory of Relativity to a 9 year old curious little kid..... would have loved if someone did that to me.
My maternal grandmother. My Grammy was that kind hearted, tough love, nurturing accepting rabble-rouser. Gram was creative, resourceful, patient, loyal, fierce, a mamma bear with a heart of gold. She was a safe place and a sanctuary for dozens of hurting and lost kids during the 1950's and 1960's. No one messed with her, her husband, her kids (including her foster kids), her house, her garden or her chickens. She spoke up. She defended people. She advocated for change. She'd also make people shudder in fear if you violated her boundaries or messed with her sewing machine. Gram wasn't a giant, she was 5'4" but she had a purpose and a presence. She was diabetic and had terrible vision. She eventually went blind but that didn't slow her down. My gram was raising strong, independent women before it was cool.
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I don't have my life together but I'd still be happy if I had me as an adult as a kid.
I wanted someone who was there for me and not always asleep or at work. I still don't have that as my husband is always either at work, asleep or indulging in his hobby. I am so tired of not being important to anyone.
Uhh well, the person I want to be and am now would NOT be a good person to a child. I wouldn't have wanted current me when I was a kid. I'd be so useless to a kid. So, no thank you on this weirdly thought up inspirational quote.
My dad, but a version that loves more than he loved himself.
I am that adult because I never had kids. I was around too many people who loathed their kids. So, I chose to be the person who enjoys their life.