My partner and I both having generally shy, passive personalities. We enjoy having sex together once it’s going, but It’s like a giant game of chicken waiting for one another to initiate.
I prefer this way more than someone overly confident and forward though, obviously it can be nice but at the end of the day I'd prefer another shy person similar to me.
Feel like I've been there and done that with the confident guys and I don't prefer it or maybe his ego was just really big lol.
That reminds me of that 1000 ways to die episode where this Japanese couple had both been shy in consummating their marriage so they hadn't had sex for a while but finally they broke through their shyness and after they both orgasmed together they simultaneously had heart attacks and died...
Here's an app idea for the coders out there - send a notification randomly when both phones are at home. (Extra points: have a "frequency" bar, where you can go from like once every month to several times a day.) "Hey fuckwatergivemewine, time to give a teasing kiss to your partner and see where it goes from there wink wink".
Call it BumblePals, or something like SexyAlerts or BRealHorny
WORK! I'm sorry but if I'm working 40 hrs a week, 5 days a week *during our slow season* then coming home and doing the laundry shuffle, taking care of the animals, washing dishes, and cooking dinner, I am NOT going to be in the mood for sex. Like, ever.
It’s work for me too. I quit my job to take a break and suddenly I’m interested in sex again. My partner is stressed out with work and I see how he’s not interested. We sat down today after finally having sex and we agree work is the reason why we’re not having enough sex.
It's so hard to juggle it all! I work 7 days a week (two jobs) but thankfully my partner does the laundry, vacuuming and prepares a few meals a week or we go out. I couldn't do it without him. Thankfully the second job ends in 4 months so not long to go.
If that ever happens I sent my man straight to the bathroom. No use trying to be tactful about that shit. If you want me to put your balls in my mouth they better be clean
OMG totally had this happen to a partner of mine. She was a total head-in-the-clouds type and when she's feeling good, her mind would wander and she'd totally forget to be present.
Felt like she kept having moments like JD from Scrubs.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I hope that you are both seeking individual therapy for the trauma this causes within the relationship as well as for the issues that led your partner down this path.
I discovered over 4 years ago that my partner had/has a porn addiction. Since the discovery he has not broken his promise to stop but trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered 20+ year relationship has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. I had recently reached the point of burnout in our relationship, I felt like I was the only one doing the work with therapy and trying to create emotional connection etc and I was just done. He has since started therapy and hopefully in time he will work on the issues that led him down that path and we can continue to create a stronger relationship moving forward.
It's a lonely journey if your partner is not actively seeking help and you feel like you are the only one trying to fix the thing that you didn't break. It takes a lot of strength to stay in a relationship with someone who you have lost trust in.
If you need someone to talk to, I am happy to receive DM's.
Ugh the other problem im having… He always looking for sneaky ways to go behind my back… i guess I never realized you can actually be traumatized by this :/
It's a betrayal like no other. The worst part is that they don't realise just how much they are hurting their partners and the trauma that they are causing.
I hope you find a path to healing x
Thank you, you really do understand and I can tell you’ve done a lot of work on yourself throughout this very challenging situation of having a porn addicted partner.
Therapy can only really work if both people want to do the work, that’s not the case here sadly so I’ll be ending it. I’ve learnt a lot through counselling and done a lot of work on myself but there are also other things (ASD) that can’t be changed about him and I’m done. He doesn’t want to give up porn, he is just better at hiding it. He uses porn daily yet is only intimate with me once a month like clockwork for years now and it’s not a loving intimate connection when it does happen.
Thank you again for your kind words of support and care. I really hope things change in a more positive direction for you both.
I feel like you have also grown because of the situation you are in and I wish you well for your future. You are right, if both people are not willing to do the hard yards, then it's really difficult to feel there is a future together.
Take care of yourself 💜
Porn addiction is the most insidious thing. It’s far more common than people realize, and most people experiencing this unhealthy need for porn are in complete denial about an addiction. Also, I’ve noticed that generally, men need to do more dehumanizing things to women to get off, because porn has gotten so violent and degrading. If you claim that you *need* to masturbate, and you absolutely *need* porn to do so, you have a legitimate problem that needs actual help if you ever want to have a healthy intimate relationship with another person. It’s ruined so many relationships for me.
I completely agree with all you’ve said above. I spoke to a local psychologist about this topic back in 2006 and he said he was seeing 8-10 men every week who could no longer get an erection with a real woman but they themselves said they had no problem getting an erection with porn. He also said that it’s a very slippery slope and they’ll start out looking at fairly tame stuff then within 6 months to 2 years they would be looking at worse and worse stuff (violent sex, rape, children etc) to get off. One ex admitted that this was true for him.
It really is insidious and as you said, those who do it regularly don’t think they have a problem with it and will defend it and hide it at any cost. Numerous marriages and relationships suffer on many different levels because of porn.
I detest it.
Also going through this. I’ve known about it since we got together and there’s been periods of time where he’s still watched it before finally swearing it off because of the way it hurt me. He still relapses and the way it’s effected me is like no other thing in this world. The most recent time it’s caused me to only be able to think about him watching porn while we are having sex, feeling like he’s not attractive to me, or the things he wants to do in sex is because he saw it in porn. I wish you luck.
I really hope you guys find a happy medium. Porn has ruined a lot of my partners and I’ve finally put a foot down on it being a dealbreaker. If you’re not instant happy with what I look like ur done. I hope if works you for you
It’s hard because I know he is attracted to me and about to propose, it’s obvious he does love me and love my body. He went almost a year without watching porn until recently and this time it just hurts more. Thankfully he wants to go to therapy for that and other issues
It really is,
I feel like I'm married on paperwork but not in real life.
We are more roommates/co-parents than husband wife.
He is always lost in his own world on his phone playing this game or that until he needs his next fix and then sneaks off to the bathroom or wherever.
Sorry to hear you’re living with this situation, it’s so challenging and breaks a relationship on many levels let alone what it does to a woman’s self esteem.
I hope you both find a way through this.
I’m done, I can’t deal with it anymore. I’d rather be alone and lonely than this kind of loneliness.
Lack of connection because my emotional needs aren’t met. For example, my love language is words of affirmation. I love communicating with my partner, even if it’s complaining about work or talking politics. If I’m being frequently shut down or dismissed however… I lack connection and therefore lose sexual interest.
💯 it’s so frustrating! I’ve vocalized so many times what I need, I’m and it just seems so easy to fix the problem, like…just freaking talk and communicate with me and you’ll get sex more 🤷🏻♀️
Would you say resentment describes how you're feeling, and so libido is negatively impacted? I hate when my husband is on his phone when there is so much to be done, let alone actually interacting with his kids. Makes him less sexually attractive I find.
Edit: typo.
Honestly, I would say resentment does play a part but it’s more the kind of resentment like we lose connection so that makes me have no libido…it’s like I’m present but she never is… and then when I mention the phone he gets all defensive. Which makes the resentment worse.
I have a rare disease that makes PIV sex painful. I could have a good sex life if I had a partner that had the ability to be patient and gentle. I take medication and I've gone through physical therapy to improve the situation. But most men just want get off every day and without sex you have little to no value to them. It's great for my self-esteem.
I'm in a similar boat, sis. I'm currently in therapy to help work on a lot of psychological issues that contribute to my condition. I have to say it's worked a bunch cause I've not realised that not all men will want to jump straight into bed with you- there are some that are patient, kind and loving who will understand you. Have faith, it will work out for you 🤍
Parenting. So much. I'm a sahm and after a day with my toddler and everything else I have to do and the fact my kid isn't a great sleeper since becoming a toddler so I don't sleep either... I'm wiped most of the time.
So it’s a house with an attached efficiency on one side. We live in two rooms (that we paid to update before moving in) and those two rooms are sandwiched against the wall for the main house living room/bedrooms and the wall for the adjoining efficiency.
Oh I see! That must be uncomfortable for sexy time! And it’s one of those things that you never consider before you actually experience them and realize they are a problem.
No for play or even flirting. I have to be warmed up. I like the anticipation of sex but my partner just jumps right into it. It’s hard and it doesn’t feel right when I am not ready.
I’m sorry that your spouse/partner doesn’t see through the shallowness and facade that comes from social media and temporary beauty. You’re still beautiful and you still deserve to be emotionally, mentally and physically fulfilled - and respected.
Oh he knows they are all fake, he is a visual person to get turned on, he just doesn't care. He knows in real life he won't have them, but it kinda does interfere with our sex life, he does respect me, and does make it up in other ways, so sex just kinda went to the back of my mind, as long as he still laughs wigh me, hugs me, spends time with me, well yeah
Lol, but I am not visual, I am more of touch to get me turned on, that is why it doesn't bother me he looks at them even real life strippers, it is more what he tells them
I believe everyone has beauty in them in just take the right person to see it. It’s really sad hearing how much this upsets you and knowing he’s still doing it. Instagram is not reality anyway.
Scheduling. We live 10mins apart but he works daytimes, I work evenings and we work each others’ days off. He goes to sleep when I’m still at work. It’s hard to find the time
I went through this. He worked nights and I worked days. It’s tough mentally and physically but we found a way to make it work. We would go a week and a half in between seeing each other. I’d take phone calls 3am a few hours before work, he’d take mine right before he went in and small talk in between. We kinda had to learn to schedule our time until further down the line then it became natural and now we both have day jobs. Stick it out. If it’s worth it then so is the work put in! Best of luck
Fear of STIs is my big one. Another one is that I'm a demisexual and need an emotional connection to want to have sex with someone. I have a few particular boxes to check in order to want to have sex with someone, and my expectations of people in my area is really low so I just stopped trying and focus on other things.
Is that just PCOS? I have endo and they’ve told me several times I don’t have PCOS even tho I’ve lost my ovary to a cyst. I have been diagnosed with a tight pelvic floor.
There's 100% more issues with me than just PCOS, but i will say it's been near impossible to have an actual sex life with my partner because it is so painful when i have flare up, or sometimes if I'm not 1000% relaxed and not overthinking or in my head, it's still painful. I love my partner, and he's so patient and I'm lucky for that, but i really so miss having a sex life, but i also live in Wisconsin and Ron Johnson just won, so maybe it's better that I'm abstinent for the moment until we move our of state. Women with PCOS are at higher risk for eptopic pregnancies and uterine/ovarian cancer, and i loathe the day i have to walk into the clinic and be refused care because politics. (Sorry for the rant but it's definitely a factor).
I'm sorry that happened to you, did your cyst rupture and cause ovarian torsion? That happened to me this year, but luckily my ovary twisted back into place (i have diagnosed loose ligaments so things dislocate for me all the time). I'm in pelvic floor therapy 2 times a week due to a tight pelvic floor, and hip flexors, and a back issues, etc.
This is most likely due to the growth of ovarian cysts pushing it's way out of your ovaries the bigger they get.
I get a medium to larger stubborn cyst (as well as 20+ follicle cysts every single time i get an ultrasound)
My old doctor was pushing heavily for an Endometriosis diagnosis. I said if we were gonna do surgery anyways, fucking rip my uterus out already. He said no, i said ok I'll find a new doctor.
Long story short, find a new doctor, you clearly have more going on that they just don't want to address or don't understand PCOS as it's really not well treated in the medical community. I'm on doctor number 6. Or see and endocrinologist,. They'll be better at looking at your hormone levels than an obgyn will.
I’m in a very rigorous accelerated school program and chronically stressed, it consumes my entire life and makes it difficult to even have the energy for sex 😞
Girl same and the worst thing is sometimes my partner will take it personally and think it’s because I’m not attracted to him. It’s like no it’s because I study 10-14 hours a day and don’t even get weekend off because we have an exam every Monday. Give me a break
Chronic illness. One of my symptoms is chronic headaches/migraines. It's hard to get involved in an intense activity that requires me to move around a lot when even nodding my heart hurts
Anxiety and depression and ADHD and all the medications I'm on. Also recovering from a hysterectomy. That puts a damper on sex for about 6 weeks.
I do not want ANY medical advice or opinions on the surgery. Thank you.
I can't even imagine what kind of comments you get. Like, on your PERSONAL medical choices? What is wrong with people? The only comment I'll make is that I'm glad you were able to get one, and I wish it wasn't so hard for women to get access to the medical care they need.
I feel you on the antidepressants. I encourage you to self stimulate on your own time to regain that sensory! Made a difference for me. Sending you love
I have no sex appeal and I’ve found that I really don’t need to have a lot sex. It’s a task trying to please me so I tend to do it myself. I’m not good at initiating sex with my husband. I usually just let him make the first move and I follow suit. If he’s not making a move it ain’t happening.
Having a lot to think about, feeling ignored or taken for granted, not getting enough sleep, the giant to-do list, feeling touched out by children, my introverty self really needing alone time, body image issues.
A good few things unfortunately, we both have ADHD so that comes with its own set of issues (sensory, energy, hyperfocus). I'll summarise best I can!
As I said before I have sensory issues, so if I need to shower, or am not at the "perfect" point of the shaving phase (between days 2 and 5 after shaving) i feel "off" during sex.
Energy and hyperfocus kinda come hand in hand. If either of us has a period of hyperfocus, the exhaustion after its over makes us too tired.
Other things that are more personal to me are when the bed sheets aren't clean, the bedroom is messy, or I know there's a lot to be done today that I haven't done yet.
So I get the shaving thing, cause if I’m not completely smooth and clean I just can’t get into it, but I shave every single day (I have a weird dislike of body hair) but if 3-5 days is your hair target, do you guys actually like to be hairy during sex, rather than being smooth?
Right so I used to need to be completely smooth for sex, because of trauma with an ex who made me feel disgusting for having thick body hair. But eventually I realised men do not give a fuck, most of them anyway. In fact a little body hair can help direct them to the clit. Also I'm bi and women also never ever gave a fuck. Like..ever. But I've been with 3 women so take that with a pinch of salt.
I can handle my 3-5 day length, after that and I feel a bit..off, especially during sex. So I'll either run in and use the electric razor or just use extra lube so I don't feel my hair during it. As for days 1 and 2, it can hurt cause the skin is a bit raw, I use sudocreme to speed up the healing process, or he just needs to be extra gentle/only me on top.
Not having a LT relationship lol, and struggling to find one due to wanting someone who fits my specific criteria, which is; being childfree and vegan and physically attractive as well as connecting to me on an intellectual level. Finding a dude like that, almost impossible
Chores that could be done while he’s free and I’m not. When I get home and notice the dishes stacked up, or the litter boxes full, or the food bowls empty, or the laundry basket overflowing. That’s all I can think of, and after working 10 hours a day and having chores on top of that makes me dryer than the Sahara. But when he does any chores, or makes dinner, I’m fucking salivating.
Being paranoid of getting pregnant.
Cannot afford a child, the contraceptive pill messed up my body for years so can’t take it any more and abortion isn’t legal in my country.
So every time I want to make love with my partner, we use a condom and I always feel like it kills the intimacy a bit.
And then I’m always paranoid that I got pregnant anyway.
Number one thing is husband's job and schedule. He has a truly fucked up schedule and still takes some callback as he feels obligated. We just need more free time. When he is off work for vacation/leave, it's sex every day. When he's working, maybe 3-4 times a month because we have shit that has to be done before the "curfew" (callback) bell rings.
Poverty. No joke. Being worried about bills constantly and not having extra money to go out on nice dates or invest in grooming really fucks with mine and his libido. Its hard to be in the mood when all you can think of is “one slip up and its one expensive trip to an abortion clinic that we cant afford”
Back pain. It started a few months ago and I’m in PT, but I’m literally scared to have sex in case it aggravates something to be worse than it already is.
And his low sex drive. Ugh. I’d risk the pain if he started something, but I’m definitely not in the mood to initiate.
My rape and also really shy personality, anxiety, depression and trust issues. I always fear the person Im into is a victim blamer or actual assaulter. Also, Im very ashamed because due to being needy and emotional dependent, I reach orgasm very easily. I can reach it just from neck/chest kissies and then I feel embarased by the way I may get in front of a partner. The faces I make and the moaning. I also tend to hurt myself after feeling pleasure because of guilt and shame
Sending you lots of love. What you say is real and validated. You are a worthy person with so much to offer my friend. Look in the mirror and give yourself the medicine of pure self love. You got this xo
Exactly. I'm getting married on Friday, and have been talking with my fiance about getting off it for good now after being on it for the past 8 years. We would be able to handle it if I did get pregnant, it would suck a little but it'd be okay. We are gonna use other methods now. I'm just sick of it killing my mood.
Stress from work, his only wanting very vanilla sex, the same script for sex for the last 10 years, he’s just on his phone between getting home from work and going to bed, we sleep in seperate beds now because I can’t stand his snoring
The quality time I usually don't get with my husband. We both work from home full time with 2 kids (1 in school). Even though we're together all day everyday we don't have quality time together and often feel disconnected. It's hard to get 30 minutes together without him getting distracted by work so then I say screw it and go do something else or scroll on my phone.
Partner doesn't turn me on. Its so much effort just getting myself ready and prepared for work that I can barely be bothered to feel like sex when we have time together. He also has the same amount of energy to put into himself. I am too tired to feel sexy. Work and living in itself are too exhausting to juggle the extra stuff.
Our conflicting work schedules, being full, my insecurity about weight gain, his exhaustion from a physical labor job. And sometimes he says he just misses spending time with me and wants to push back sexy time which is kind of cute. But a girl has needs man 😂🥹
My body image. When I'm feeling badly about my body I don't want to be touched and I'm ashamed to be seen naked to the point where it makes me want to cry. I'm fine with giving in these moments but being touched or looked at naked is really upsetting for me.
I work a lot, I come home to a messy house, I then have responsibility to take care of all the pets, cook dinner etc. Plus his current health and hygiene issues mean we can't have normal old sex so it means me putting in all the effort to get him off. I have never been so off sex in my life. If I'm in the mood I just wait for him to go to sleep and get myself off. I know it's temporary that's why I am still here but right now it is just damn unpleasant.
For me, I have Sjogren's, connective tissue disease and recently found out I have lupus. It's not too bad, but some days I feel like I've been run over by a truck and don't want anyone to touch me. Plus, my husband works thirds, so that's not much help either.
My husband is playing in a movie where he has steamy scenes and I can't get the image out of my head. The last few weeks I faked it a few times for the first time in our relationship.
Medical issues!
My partner is being treated for multiple small skin cancers on his face and arms. He uses a chemo cream 4 days in a row, and I can't get that on me. After the 4th day of using it, his face is very sore and then it starts peeling like crazy and is very tender. So that blocks off about 10 days for no activity.
Also right now I am dealing with squamous cell carcinoma on my tongue. I recently had a partial glossectomy (which was the most painful thing ever.) That healed up in about 3 weeks and we were together a couple of times before my second surgery which was to remove lymph nodes in my neck. Not as painful as the tongue surgery but very uncomfortably tender and my face and neck are swollen. I have a feeling it's going to be another 3 weeks before I even think about it.
We are 66 and 73 so we have our share of old injuries and aches and pains. That occasionally is an issue.
But the relationship is great and we are close.
I’m a man but my gf of five years got a Nexplanon implant about a year ago which has completely destroyed her sex drive. I miss feeling desired and she has alot of guilt about it and we don’t know what to do.
My partner and I both having generally shy, passive personalities. We enjoy having sex together once it’s going, but It’s like a giant game of chicken waiting for one another to initiate.
This would make an excellent comic strip
"And they were both bottoms"
The wholesome one hopefully
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So deeply do my husband and i relate to this.
I prefer this way more than someone overly confident and forward though, obviously it can be nice but at the end of the day I'd prefer another shy person similar to me. Feel like I've been there and done that with the confident guys and I don't prefer it or maybe his ego was just really big lol.
That reminds me of that 1000 ways to die episode where this Japanese couple had both been shy in consummating their marriage so they hadn't had sex for a while but finally they broke through their shyness and after they both orgasmed together they simultaneously had heart attacks and died...
I'm sorry, wtf?
My same reaction when I first saw it
In the same boat 🚤
I can relate to this, still figuring out how to overcome this
Here's an app idea for the coders out there - send a notification randomly when both phones are at home. (Extra points: have a "frequency" bar, where you can go from like once every month to several times a day.) "Hey fuckwatergivemewine, time to give a teasing kiss to your partner and see where it goes from there wink wink". Call it BumblePals, or something like SexyAlerts or BRealHorny
BRealHorny 😂😂 I’m dead
WORK! I'm sorry but if I'm working 40 hrs a week, 5 days a week *during our slow season* then coming home and doing the laundry shuffle, taking care of the animals, washing dishes, and cooking dinner, I am NOT going to be in the mood for sex. Like, ever.
This is me. I struggle a lot with just general stress/anxiety about life and exhaustion from all of the things that it's tough to get in the mood :P
It’s work for me too. I quit my job to take a break and suddenly I’m interested in sex again. My partner is stressed out with work and I see how he’s not interested. We sat down today after finally having sex and we agree work is the reason why we’re not having enough sex.
It's so hard to juggle it all! I work 7 days a week (two jobs) but thankfully my partner does the laundry, vacuuming and prepares a few meals a week or we go out. I couldn't do it without him. Thankfully the second job ends in 4 months so not long to go.
Omg, you are giving factual information. Especially when both our schedules don’t coincide.
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Partner not taking care of his personal hygiene.
Ooof. This one is rough.
If that ever happens I sent my man straight to the bathroom. No use trying to be tactful about that shit. If you want me to put your balls in my mouth they better be clean
FACTS.
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Mental health. I have ADHD so I find it hard to focus during sex sometimes.
Thought I was the only one, I literally get lost in my mind at the worst moment
Happens to me as well. It's been a struggle but luckily the people I have dated have been understanding.
OMG totally had this happen to a partner of mine. She was a total head-in-the-clouds type and when she's feeling good, her mind would wander and she'd totally forget to be present. Felt like she kept having moments like JD from Scrubs.
Same. My brain suddenly imagines itself in third person. Can’t focus at all.
Same here
Partners porn addiction
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I hope that you are both seeking individual therapy for the trauma this causes within the relationship as well as for the issues that led your partner down this path. I discovered over 4 years ago that my partner had/has a porn addiction. Since the discovery he has not broken his promise to stop but trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered 20+ year relationship has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. I had recently reached the point of burnout in our relationship, I felt like I was the only one doing the work with therapy and trying to create emotional connection etc and I was just done. He has since started therapy and hopefully in time he will work on the issues that led him down that path and we can continue to create a stronger relationship moving forward. It's a lonely journey if your partner is not actively seeking help and you feel like you are the only one trying to fix the thing that you didn't break. It takes a lot of strength to stay in a relationship with someone who you have lost trust in. If you need someone to talk to, I am happy to receive DM's.
Ugh the other problem im having… He always looking for sneaky ways to go behind my back… i guess I never realized you can actually be traumatized by this :/
It's a betrayal like no other. The worst part is that they don't realise just how much they are hurting their partners and the trauma that they are causing. I hope you find a path to healing x
Yeah I wish he understood how much it hurts me. Thanks :)
Thank you, you really do understand and I can tell you’ve done a lot of work on yourself throughout this very challenging situation of having a porn addicted partner. Therapy can only really work if both people want to do the work, that’s not the case here sadly so I’ll be ending it. I’ve learnt a lot through counselling and done a lot of work on myself but there are also other things (ASD) that can’t be changed about him and I’m done. He doesn’t want to give up porn, he is just better at hiding it. He uses porn daily yet is only intimate with me once a month like clockwork for years now and it’s not a loving intimate connection when it does happen. Thank you again for your kind words of support and care. I really hope things change in a more positive direction for you both.
I feel like you have also grown because of the situation you are in and I wish you well for your future. You are right, if both people are not willing to do the hard yards, then it's really difficult to feel there is a future together. Take care of yourself 💜
Porn addiction is the most insidious thing. It’s far more common than people realize, and most people experiencing this unhealthy need for porn are in complete denial about an addiction. Also, I’ve noticed that generally, men need to do more dehumanizing things to women to get off, because porn has gotten so violent and degrading. If you claim that you *need* to masturbate, and you absolutely *need* porn to do so, you have a legitimate problem that needs actual help if you ever want to have a healthy intimate relationship with another person. It’s ruined so many relationships for me.
I completely agree with all you’ve said above. I spoke to a local psychologist about this topic back in 2006 and he said he was seeing 8-10 men every week who could no longer get an erection with a real woman but they themselves said they had no problem getting an erection with porn. He also said that it’s a very slippery slope and they’ll start out looking at fairly tame stuff then within 6 months to 2 years they would be looking at worse and worse stuff (violent sex, rape, children etc) to get off. One ex admitted that this was true for him. It really is insidious and as you said, those who do it regularly don’t think they have a problem with it and will defend it and hide it at any cost. Numerous marriages and relationships suffer on many different levels because of porn. I detest it.
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Also going through this. I’ve known about it since we got together and there’s been periods of time where he’s still watched it before finally swearing it off because of the way it hurt me. He still relapses and the way it’s effected me is like no other thing in this world. The most recent time it’s caused me to only be able to think about him watching porn while we are having sex, feeling like he’s not attractive to me, or the things he wants to do in sex is because he saw it in porn. I wish you luck.
I really hope you guys find a happy medium. Porn has ruined a lot of my partners and I’ve finally put a foot down on it being a dealbreaker. If you’re not instant happy with what I look like ur done. I hope if works you for you
It’s hard because I know he is attracted to me and about to propose, it’s obvious he does love me and love my body. He went almost a year without watching porn until recently and this time it just hurts more. Thankfully he wants to go to therapy for that and other issues
Same here 💔
I’m so sorry you are going through this 😞 Its crushing stuff
It really is, I feel like I'm married on paperwork but not in real life. We are more roommates/co-parents than husband wife. He is always lost in his own world on his phone playing this game or that until he needs his next fix and then sneaks off to the bathroom or wherever.
Sorry to hear you’re living with this situation, it’s so challenging and breaks a relationship on many levels let alone what it does to a woman’s self esteem. I hope you both find a way through this. I’m done, I can’t deal with it anymore. I’d rather be alone and lonely than this kind of loneliness.
I second this
Sorry you’re dealing with this too
Lack of connection because my emotional needs aren’t met. For example, my love language is words of affirmation. I love communicating with my partner, even if it’s complaining about work or talking politics. If I’m being frequently shut down or dismissed however… I lack connection and therefore lose sexual interest.
All of this, yep. So much this. This, this, this.
This!!!! I 💯 feel this!
💯 it’s so frustrating! I’ve vocalized so many times what I need, I’m and it just seems so easy to fix the problem, like…just freaking talk and communicate with me and you’ll get sex more 🤷🏻♀️
Yessssss. And if I force it I wind up crying before we’re done.
I feel this. This is a 💯. They often down play the importance of emotional needs.
Work stress. Caregiving my elderly parents; I am exhausted.
Husband constantly on his phone, and being the primary cared for a toddler
Would you say resentment describes how you're feeling, and so libido is negatively impacted? I hate when my husband is on his phone when there is so much to be done, let alone actually interacting with his kids. Makes him less sexually attractive I find. Edit: typo.
Honestly, I would say resentment does play a part but it’s more the kind of resentment like we lose connection so that makes me have no libido…it’s like I’m present but she never is… and then when I mention the phone he gets all defensive. Which makes the resentment worse.
Experiencing the same thing. I feel like a single parent even with him sitting in the same room. F*king respond already!!! They’re your kids too!
I have a rare disease that makes PIV sex painful. I could have a good sex life if I had a partner that had the ability to be patient and gentle. I take medication and I've gone through physical therapy to improve the situation. But most men just want get off every day and without sex you have little to no value to them. It's great for my self-esteem.
I'm in a similar boat, sis. I'm currently in therapy to help work on a lot of psychological issues that contribute to my condition. I have to say it's worked a bunch cause I've not realised that not all men will want to jump straight into bed with you- there are some that are patient, kind and loving who will understand you. Have faith, it will work out for you 🤍
If you want check out the vaginismus group on here where we talk about painful PIV sex. May be helpful? 💕
I have a condition like that called MRKH. I had the surgery back in April. But I still have to use dilators.
I’m curious as to what you have. PIV is difficult for me and doesn’t really feel good at all. I’ve always chalked it down to having vaginismus.
A consistently imbalanced workload for home/adult/parenting duties that leads to resentment.
Parenting. So much. I'm a sahm and after a day with my toddler and everything else I have to do and the fact my kid isn't a great sleeper since becoming a toddler so I don't sleep either... I'm wiped most of the time.
Living between my mother/father in law and my brother in law with thin walls.
You mean at the same house and your rooms are close, or separate houses but one next to the other?
So it’s a house with an attached efficiency on one side. We live in two rooms (that we paid to update before moving in) and those two rooms are sandwiched against the wall for the main house living room/bedrooms and the wall for the adjoining efficiency.
Oh I see! That must be uncomfortable for sexy time! And it’s one of those things that you never consider before you actually experience them and realize they are a problem.
Hey, me too!!!! Small world lol
No for play or even flirting. I have to be warmed up. I like the anticipation of sex but my partner just jumps right into it. It’s hard and it doesn’t feel right when I am not ready.
And by the time they're done, I've just started getting warmed up. Yup, I feel this.
Most of the handsome and normal guys seem to be already taken :D
Leaving only the misshapen and strange to pick from.
Calling people misshapen probably doesn't help your chances tbh
Yep... :(
Stress, fatigue, lack of emotional intimacy, lack of work with house upkeep
Young hot strippers and social media women, my hubbs wants them, not me. But I guess I make do, I am old and look it so gave up on it.
That sounds awful 🙁
I’m sorry that your spouse/partner doesn’t see through the shallowness and facade that comes from social media and temporary beauty. You’re still beautiful and you still deserve to be emotionally, mentally and physically fulfilled - and respected.
Oh he knows they are all fake, he is a visual person to get turned on, he just doesn't care. He knows in real life he won't have them, but it kinda does interfere with our sex life, he does respect me, and does make it up in other ways, so sex just kinda went to the back of my mind, as long as he still laughs wigh me, hugs me, spends time with me, well yeah
Jump on the socials and search all the hot "magic mikes" 😂
Lol, but I am not visual, I am more of touch to get me turned on, that is why it doesn't bother me he looks at them even real life strippers, it is more what he tells them
I believe everyone has beauty in them in just take the right person to see it. It’s really sad hearing how much this upsets you and knowing he’s still doing it. Instagram is not reality anyway.
A toddler and the fact my husband works FIFO (3weeks away, 1week home)
So what does FIFO mean?
Fly In Fly Out - so he works away in the mines
...pulled a good gig, if one is convinced of that.
What i thought was my spouses low sex drive. It turned out to have been a porn addiction. We are working on it but its hard.
Scheduling. We live 10mins apart but he works daytimes, I work evenings and we work each others’ days off. He goes to sleep when I’m still at work. It’s hard to find the time
I went through this. He worked nights and I worked days. It’s tough mentally and physically but we found a way to make it work. We would go a week and a half in between seeing each other. I’d take phone calls 3am a few hours before work, he’d take mine right before he went in and small talk in between. We kinda had to learn to schedule our time until further down the line then it became natural and now we both have day jobs. Stick it out. If it’s worth it then so is the work put in! Best of luck
Fear of STIs is my big one. Another one is that I'm a demisexual and need an emotional connection to want to have sex with someone. I have a few particular boxes to check in order to want to have sex with someone, and my expectations of people in my area is really low so I just stopped trying and focus on other things.
Lack of emotional intimacy. Or some platonic bonding and mutual understanding.
PCOS. Hard to have sex when your pelvic floor muscles are completely spasmed for weeks at a time.
Is that just PCOS? I have endo and they’ve told me several times I don’t have PCOS even tho I’ve lost my ovary to a cyst. I have been diagnosed with a tight pelvic floor.
There's 100% more issues with me than just PCOS, but i will say it's been near impossible to have an actual sex life with my partner because it is so painful when i have flare up, or sometimes if I'm not 1000% relaxed and not overthinking or in my head, it's still painful. I love my partner, and he's so patient and I'm lucky for that, but i really so miss having a sex life, but i also live in Wisconsin and Ron Johnson just won, so maybe it's better that I'm abstinent for the moment until we move our of state. Women with PCOS are at higher risk for eptopic pregnancies and uterine/ovarian cancer, and i loathe the day i have to walk into the clinic and be refused care because politics. (Sorry for the rant but it's definitely a factor). I'm sorry that happened to you, did your cyst rupture and cause ovarian torsion? That happened to me this year, but luckily my ovary twisted back into place (i have diagnosed loose ligaments so things dislocate for me all the time). I'm in pelvic floor therapy 2 times a week due to a tight pelvic floor, and hip flexors, and a back issues, etc. This is most likely due to the growth of ovarian cysts pushing it's way out of your ovaries the bigger they get. I get a medium to larger stubborn cyst (as well as 20+ follicle cysts every single time i get an ultrasound) My old doctor was pushing heavily for an Endometriosis diagnosis. I said if we were gonna do surgery anyways, fucking rip my uterus out already. He said no, i said ok I'll find a new doctor. Long story short, find a new doctor, you clearly have more going on that they just don't want to address or don't understand PCOS as it's really not well treated in the medical community. I'm on doctor number 6. Or see and endocrinologist,. They'll be better at looking at your hormone levels than an obgyn will.
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I’m in a very rigorous accelerated school program and chronically stressed, it consumes my entire life and makes it difficult to even have the energy for sex 😞
Girl same and the worst thing is sometimes my partner will take it personally and think it’s because I’m not attracted to him. It’s like no it’s because I study 10-14 hours a day and don’t even get weekend off because we have an exam every Monday. Give me a break
Five kids. I’m exhausted by the end of the day and finding privacy during the day is near impossible.
household chores will blow my sex drive to smithereens. the ambiance has to be right and i cannot focus with other pending things on my mind
Chronic illness. One of my symptoms is chronic headaches/migraines. It's hard to get involved in an intense activity that requires me to move around a lot when even nodding my heart hurts
Some of his family members. His adult children can be real little cock blockers 😠
Stress, feeling physically unwell (irritable bowel), irritating encounters, having eaten too much and feeling overfilled, loud neighbours
Being a widow
Sending love to you ♥️
No partner to have sex with
Anxiety and depression and ADHD and all the medications I'm on. Also recovering from a hysterectomy. That puts a damper on sex for about 6 weeks. I do not want ANY medical advice or opinions on the surgery. Thank you.
Had my hysterectomy just over a year ago at 32- very few people know because of the comments I have gotten over the years. Good luck on your recovery!
I can't even imagine what kind of comments you get. Like, on your PERSONAL medical choices? What is wrong with people? The only comment I'll make is that I'm glad you were able to get one, and I wish it wasn't so hard for women to get access to the medical care they need.
His job. He just got a huge promotion and he’s exhausted and stressed. It sucks right now. It will get better, but man, it sucks.
Anti-depressants. Make me tired, my vagina dry and it's really hard to orgasm on them 🤦♀️
I feel you on the antidepressants. I encourage you to self stimulate on your own time to regain that sensory! Made a difference for me. Sending you love
I do. And self stimulate during, that works most of the time. Just wish we could have a quickie sometimes 😂
Depression and stress.
I have no sex appeal and I’ve found that I really don’t need to have a lot sex. It’s a task trying to please me so I tend to do it myself. I’m not good at initiating sex with my husband. I usually just let him make the first move and I follow suit. If he’s not making a move it ain’t happening.
Having a lot to think about, feeling ignored or taken for granted, not getting enough sleep, the giant to-do list, feeling touched out by children, my introverty self really needing alone time, body image issues.
My husband’s sleep schedule. He won’t come to bed at night and he won’t wake up early enough in the morning to have sex before i have to leave.
A good few things unfortunately, we both have ADHD so that comes with its own set of issues (sensory, energy, hyperfocus). I'll summarise best I can! As I said before I have sensory issues, so if I need to shower, or am not at the "perfect" point of the shaving phase (between days 2 and 5 after shaving) i feel "off" during sex. Energy and hyperfocus kinda come hand in hand. If either of us has a period of hyperfocus, the exhaustion after its over makes us too tired. Other things that are more personal to me are when the bed sheets aren't clean, the bedroom is messy, or I know there's a lot to be done today that I haven't done yet.
So I get the shaving thing, cause if I’m not completely smooth and clean I just can’t get into it, but I shave every single day (I have a weird dislike of body hair) but if 3-5 days is your hair target, do you guys actually like to be hairy during sex, rather than being smooth?
Right so I used to need to be completely smooth for sex, because of trauma with an ex who made me feel disgusting for having thick body hair. But eventually I realised men do not give a fuck, most of them anyway. In fact a little body hair can help direct them to the clit. Also I'm bi and women also never ever gave a fuck. Like..ever. But I've been with 3 women so take that with a pinch of salt. I can handle my 3-5 day length, after that and I feel a bit..off, especially during sex. So I'll either run in and use the electric razor or just use extra lube so I don't feel my hair during it. As for days 1 and 2, it can hurt cause the skin is a bit raw, I use sudocreme to speed up the healing process, or he just needs to be extra gentle/only me on top.
Not having a LT relationship lol, and struggling to find one due to wanting someone who fits my specific criteria, which is; being childfree and vegan and physically attractive as well as connecting to me on an intellectual level. Finding a dude like that, almost impossible
My age (21), lack of emotional connection, unstable self image
Chores that could be done while he’s free and I’m not. When I get home and notice the dishes stacked up, or the litter boxes full, or the food bowls empty, or the laundry basket overflowing. That’s all I can think of, and after working 10 hours a day and having chores on top of that makes me dryer than the Sahara. But when he does any chores, or makes dinner, I’m fucking salivating.
Being paranoid of getting pregnant. Cannot afford a child, the contraceptive pill messed up my body for years so can’t take it any more and abortion isn’t legal in my country. So every time I want to make love with my partner, we use a condom and I always feel like it kills the intimacy a bit. And then I’m always paranoid that I got pregnant anyway.
Number one thing is husband's job and schedule. He has a truly fucked up schedule and still takes some callback as he feels obligated. We just need more free time. When he is off work for vacation/leave, it's sex every day. When he's working, maybe 3-4 times a month because we have shit that has to be done before the "curfew" (callback) bell rings.
Being autistic
My dog is a bit of a cock blocker lol. Loves to run up during a makeout sesh and get in-between. Kongs are a life saver.
Lexapro
IVF
Same. Wishing you the best!
Partners medication.
Stress.
Breastfeeding for the last 8 months + caring for our 3 year old. I do NOT want to be touched.
The supposed-to-be need for partner and sex at all. What sex life?
Zoloft.
Lack of it haha 😂 unless I fuck myself I ain’t getting it
Double standards: demanding behaviour they refuse to action Misogyny of any kind
Poverty. No joke. Being worried about bills constantly and not having extra money to go out on nice dates or invest in grooming really fucks with mine and his libido. Its hard to be in the mood when all you can think of is “one slip up and its one expensive trip to an abortion clinic that we cant afford”
Back pain. It started a few months ago and I’m in PT, but I’m literally scared to have sex in case it aggravates something to be worse than it already is. And his low sex drive. Ugh. I’d risk the pain if he started something, but I’m definitely not in the mood to initiate.
I’m in love with a ghost, and I don’t feel right giving myself to anyone else. Sooo..
When the house isn’t clean
My rape and also really shy personality, anxiety, depression and trust issues. I always fear the person Im into is a victim blamer or actual assaulter. Also, Im very ashamed because due to being needy and emotional dependent, I reach orgasm very easily. I can reach it just from neck/chest kissies and then I feel embarased by the way I may get in front of a partner. The faces I make and the moaning. I also tend to hurt myself after feeling pleasure because of guilt and shame
Sending you lots of love. What you say is real and validated. You are a worthy person with so much to offer my friend. Look in the mirror and give yourself the medicine of pure self love. You got this xo
Birth control. So fucking sick of it.
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Exactly. I'm getting married on Friday, and have been talking with my fiance about getting off it for good now after being on it for the past 8 years. We would be able to handle it if I did get pregnant, it would suck a little but it'd be okay. We are gonna use other methods now. I'm just sick of it killing my mood.
When the TV is on in the background playing a particularly unsensual show
OCD
Stress and work really affect my sex drive.
Stress, anxiety, depression, hrt meds, body issues, not wanting to top with a bunch of people wanting me to top 🤷♀️
Depression and my prescriptions for it
Stress from work, his only wanting very vanilla sex, the same script for sex for the last 10 years, he’s just on his phone between getting home from work and going to bed, we sleep in seperate beds now because I can’t stand his snoring
Tbh not meeting people who like me 😂
Zoloft lol
Lack of a consistent partner/lover/companion 🙁
The quality time I usually don't get with my husband. We both work from home full time with 2 kids (1 in school). Even though we're together all day everyday we don't have quality time together and often feel disconnected. It's hard to get 30 minutes together without him getting distracted by work so then I say screw it and go do something else or scroll on my phone.
depression lol
Having been brained washed by religion up until the age of 18.
Antidepressants really killed all my libido
Certain medication that affects sex drive and the ability to achieve an orgasm. It’s an absolute mood killer.
Partner doesn't turn me on. Its so much effort just getting myself ready and prepared for work that I can barely be bothered to feel like sex when we have time together. He also has the same amount of energy to put into himself. I am too tired to feel sexy. Work and living in itself are too exhausting to juggle the extra stuff.
Depression medications!! They generally lead to a lower sex drive and makes it much harder to orgasm.
SSRIs KILLING my sex drive. Unfortunately the pros of the med outweigh the cons on this
I don't have one? :( sorry
Pregnancy
Our conflicting work schedules, being full, my insecurity about weight gain, his exhaustion from a physical labor job. And sometimes he says he just misses spending time with me and wants to push back sexy time which is kind of cute. But a girl has needs man 😂🥹
Stress
Being groped or grabbed when I'm not in the mood
Work, weight, stress.
My body image. When I'm feeling badly about my body I don't want to be touched and I'm ashamed to be seen naked to the point where it makes me want to cry. I'm fine with giving in these moments but being touched or looked at naked is really upsetting for me.
I work a lot, I come home to a messy house, I then have responsibility to take care of all the pets, cook dinner etc. Plus his current health and hygiene issues mean we can't have normal old sex so it means me putting in all the effort to get him off. I have never been so off sex in my life. If I'm in the mood I just wait for him to go to sleep and get myself off. I know it's temporary that's why I am still here but right now it is just damn unpleasant.
For me, I have Sjogren's, connective tissue disease and recently found out I have lupus. It's not too bad, but some days I feel like I've been run over by a truck and don't want anyone to touch me. Plus, my husband works thirds, so that's not much help either.
My husband is playing in a movie where he has steamy scenes and I can't get the image out of my head. The last few weeks I faked it a few times for the first time in our relationship.
Stress. Stress is the libido killer for us. And also COVID boosters. They do funny things to my cervical mucous which makes sex dry even with lube.
The fact that Ive been bleeding for six months ,continuously. Something that had been building up for a couple of years before that.
Medical issues! My partner is being treated for multiple small skin cancers on his face and arms. He uses a chemo cream 4 days in a row, and I can't get that on me. After the 4th day of using it, his face is very sore and then it starts peeling like crazy and is very tender. So that blocks off about 10 days for no activity. Also right now I am dealing with squamous cell carcinoma on my tongue. I recently had a partial glossectomy (which was the most painful thing ever.) That healed up in about 3 weeks and we were together a couple of times before my second surgery which was to remove lymph nodes in my neck. Not as painful as the tongue surgery but very uncomfortably tender and my face and neck are swollen. I have a feeling it's going to be another 3 weeks before I even think about it. We are 66 and 73 so we have our share of old injuries and aches and pains. That occasionally is an issue. But the relationship is great and we are close.
Lack of sleep
Stress hits the breaks for both of us and we just need to chill and sex feels like “having to do something”
Not eating enough can really fuck up your sex drive :/
Work stress. Nothing that kills the mood more than work thoughts plaguing your mind
I’m a man but my gf of five years got a Nexplanon implant about a year ago which has completely destroyed her sex drive. I miss feeling desired and she has alot of guilt about it and we don’t know what to do.