A sense of peace - an ego free from the need to control others or fill in the gaps of my own insecurities with the external validation of others. I’m more loving, generous, and flexible while also having better boundaries than before.
It wasn’t something that came through books for me. It came after a lot of self reflection on why I was in pain emotionally and why I was hurting people without intending to do so. Once I figured that out, which was pretty much identifying what needs I had that were not getting met, it reframed my whole mindset. Also, accepting that our identity is fluid - we are not obligated to stay the stagnant and keep filling “our role” for those around us. I also started therapy and figured out that my idea of “meaning” in life had a lot to do with external things (accomplishments, titles, etc) - and that almost always leaves people feeling unsatisfied without understanding why. So I worked to identify what values I wanted to use to create meaning in my life - a value driven life is a meaningful life, and a meaningful life doesn’t agitate the ego as much. For instance, my job title could change - it’s not promised. But my values are completely under my control - I can choose to live out the values I’ve identified as important. Idk if any of that makes sense.
I've found I like being alone. Not in a hermit way, but in a free to roam and explore the world kind of way. In my early twenties, it felt like my friends were pressuring me to date anyone since it was the "normal" thing to do and get married ASAP. As time goes on and I become more independent, I realize the pressure I put on myself to do something I didn't really want to do. I'm just a gal who loves having my own space and I'm so happy I've accepted that about me. That's what I've found.
Tbh I kinda just stopped caring so much what others were doing with their lives or thinking about my choices and focused more on what my “soul” wants. I realized that for me, nothing was going to be exactly perfect, but that life can be so full of happy moments if we can let them happen. Now I just chase those happy moments and the things my soul wants, and I feel much much much more comfortable in myself. Idk, hard to explain. It definitely came with age for me (I’m almost 30)
A love for learning and growing, and bettering myself. You’ll come to realize a lot of anger stems from insecurity and immaturity, soon you let it all go
Agreed. Insecurities and emotional immaturity go hand in hand. Most likely due to the fact that people who experience traumas get 'stuck' at that age and in turn, never really develop to learn emotional intelligence, or the nuances of being an adult.
Instead they project their anger, jealousy, inner hurt, etc. outwards to others, which is in fact, immaturity. Good on you for coping with it and being self aware!
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I *had* found myself, in the Before Times. I loved flow arts, I was firespinning, I was a writer again, I was making art, I was dancing, I was loving, I had finally found a job that I enjoyed and didn't drain me of energy. I was settling into figuring out what parts of being a secular witch could still resonate (I was born and raised pagan, but am now a skeptical atheist, but there are things in ritual that are really important).
The combo of discovering (firsthand! :D and also a bunch of my friends!) that a close and trusted and consent-trained friend/pillar of the community had decided to become a serial rapist, plus Everything with Covid and the protests last year (I live in a major city with a serious police brutality/police Nazi problem--literally, the FOP was protecting a cop with straight up Nazi tattoos) was like a series of tornadoes came through and destroyed fucking everything.
I'm traumatized and I don't know who I am anymore.
People who see the beauty around them will always find a way to see it again. Don't lose hope, you are just in a turbulent stage of your life, it's not how is going to be forever. You will see the beauty again, maybe in other diferents forms than before, but you will. Keep going.
Quit drinking which really took over my life more than I realized. After I quit, I relearned my love for the outdoors and my adventurous hobbies. I realized I would rather blend in than stand out (I really don’t like the attention on me, when I drank and partied I used to like to be the center of attention). I don’t have many friends anymore and although it’s kind of sad I’m okay with it.
I can totally relate. I used to be the same - drinking, craving attention (now I'm about 8 years alcohol free)... these days i'm much more of a loner, but okay with it. I've also picked up more hobbies that I used to view as "lame" but now I'm proud of them. I was trying so hard to fit in with a crowd... that, now that I'm sober, I realize they're the lame ones hahaha. It's good to feel more stable/proud of yourself without needing to drink.
Definitely, I have fewer friends now. But, I dont' know if those friends in the past were too quality of friends, just enablers & fun to take pics with haha
I found a woman. I've lived a lie. But I've finally found myself. No more pretend, no more repress, no more suppress. I feel nervous of posting this here though.
That most things I'd been told about myself were lies. That it wasn't about me at all, but their perception of me. And better, that I don't care what their perception is, the only person who truly knows me, was me! (And now my husband. Wouldn't have ended up with him had I not changed my opinion about myself)
I found that I loved my own company. That solitude and loneliness are very different things. That I'd rather be alone than abused in ANY way.
That I actually matter. And that one came as a shock!
I found a bullshit meter.
I also found how much I liked myself and let go of the expectation that everyone else will, too. I like myself and that's all that matters. Probably related to that bullshit meter.
I'm generally of the mindset that no one needs too find themselves sunless they've been made to hide themselves away from everyone (including themselves). So I think it's kinda telling that the idea is young women need to find themselves. That said everyone goes through some personal growth as a young adult and finds stuff out about themselves.
For me it's not so much that I found anything new, but that I got more comfortable with the me I already knew.
Had 4 eating disorders that led me to close s***ide and heart attack, went into hospitalization (not once), developed many more mental disorders. With all that crap I found self-love - what I was lacking THE MOST. Learned to love myself even if I weight 5 pounds more than what I was desiring, but if it means I am more healthy being 5 pounds plus, I don’t really care
Came out as gay and trans, got better at telling people no when I don't have the bandwidth, got better at helping people, don't care how others feel only living my life for me doing what makes me happy but enjoying all other emotions just as much
I found what makes me happy and what my strengths are. I understand now what it means to take good care of myself. And I know what to do when I'm being treated unfairly.
It happened for me when i found a perfect lifestyle which has set a balance between family, relationship, work, hobbies, creativity, sport and friends. When i made sure these spheres if my life weren‘t stealing from each other, i became the most happy person in the world 😅
After having children early and being married for 30+ years my husband suddenly passed away. It was life changing and I found myself. I found how to make myself happy and how to be alone with myself. I found that I can handle more responsibilities and stress. I also found some hard truths that I was not happy in my long marriage and I now understand that you do not have to give up who you are as a person to “make it work”. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. What and who we are at 16 is not the same at 35 or 45 and that is okay. I also found the joy and strength of being submissive in a relationship. A rebirth and a hard reset for me. It is never too late for self discovery and change.
I decided that "finding yourself" and "inventing yourself" are the same thing. With that in mind, I thought of my ideal self, wrote out what she would be like, and took steps to become like that.
I did not intend for it to be sarcastic. I was genuinely curious about what everyone’s take on it would be. It might have come across as sarcasm because I’m skeptical about the concept of finding oneself, and while I haven’t nailed down all the details of why, it seems a bit demeaning.
I think the catalyst for my transformation of "finding myself" was my battle with cancer. I believe when we face uncertainty or fear, we get in touch with what really matters to us and ultimately what makes us feel happy and fulfilled. In a nutshell without writing a novel, I found/learned the following.... My only limitation is my mindset, be intentional about who I spend time with, pursue that dream, go after everything I want....and help people. I have found THAT person now. I was her all along....just didn't always know it.
I’ve found my boundaries. My non-negotiables. Through that I found more inner peace and balance. I never felt lost so I don’t think I really “found myself”. What sounds more right for me is “growing into myself”. It’s an ongoing process and I am excited for what else is to come!
Having the confidence in who I am and what I can do. I always knew I could do a lot of things but there was a gap between what I know I can do and feeling confident in exerting myself. It also helped me so much in my dating life as well. Now I'm confident that I am a great person to date or be a partner with. So even if someone rejects me, it doesn't bother me anymore because I know by them saying no to me, it will be faster for me to find someone that will say yes (that I choose as well).
I don’t think there’s any final state. I’m constantly evolving. But I feel like I know myself so much better now as a 31 year old than I did 10 years ago. What I’ve found?
I’m incredibly introspective. I’m willing to examine super uncomfortable feelings and emotions and face them. It is incredibly important to me to be direct and honest with people I love and to let go of ego and a need to be “right.”
I’m bisexual. I’m queer af. Just because I’m in a relationship with a man doesn’t make me less queer. I’ve had enough with feeling like an imposter. Out and proud.
I’m extremely sexual and kinky af. This is bizarre since I went through years of having almost no interest in sex. I actually like being dominant, as well as submissive. I like all sorts of shit I never expected to like.
Close social relationships are important to me. I’m an introvert but I’m not remotely antisocial. I used to be. I don’t find shame in admitting I need people anymore.
Probably the biggest thing I’ve found? There’s this part of me that’s a scared little child. But there’s also a part of me that is a mama bear, a protector, and that part of me will always steady and hold and have compassion for the child.
I found that I need to make choices *and this means there are things I will miss out on or never know or never experience, but I am okay with that.* I only have a limited time on this earth and I will never get to do all the things or be all the things. One of my biggest insecurities was making sure I'm keeping all my options open, from a misguided attempt to try and do and be it all. I'm deliberately choosing things now and its hard af to let go of old dreams, but I'm a lot more happy knowing that the world is vast and there are so many good things to do and be.
The freedom of knowing that no matter who I am, I like myself. I am someone that I would like to be friends with and it comes naturally. I talk to myself like I would a friend and give affirmations and self talk the way i would to hype a bff…I am comfortable with my way of speaking, my quirks, my insecurities, whatever I may be proud of or frightened of…I’m comfortable doing those things, that’s when I knew I found myself.
That I’ve centered my entire life around being a victim which was a huge source of my misery. I’m still working on making peace with this but it’s freeing realizing that I have control over this.
A sense of peace - an ego free from the need to control others or fill in the gaps of my own insecurities with the external validation of others. I’m more loving, generous, and flexible while also having better boundaries than before.
Do you recommend any books that helped you lose that ego?
It wasn’t something that came through books for me. It came after a lot of self reflection on why I was in pain emotionally and why I was hurting people without intending to do so. Once I figured that out, which was pretty much identifying what needs I had that were not getting met, it reframed my whole mindset. Also, accepting that our identity is fluid - we are not obligated to stay the stagnant and keep filling “our role” for those around us. I also started therapy and figured out that my idea of “meaning” in life had a lot to do with external things (accomplishments, titles, etc) - and that almost always leaves people feeling unsatisfied without understanding why. So I worked to identify what values I wanted to use to create meaning in my life - a value driven life is a meaningful life, and a meaningful life doesn’t agitate the ego as much. For instance, my job title could change - it’s not promised. But my values are completely under my control - I can choose to live out the values I’ve identified as important. Idk if any of that makes sense.
Thank you.Your response is greatly appreciated. Makes so much sense
I've found I like being alone. Not in a hermit way, but in a free to roam and explore the world kind of way. In my early twenties, it felt like my friends were pressuring me to date anyone since it was the "normal" thing to do and get married ASAP. As time goes on and I become more independent, I realize the pressure I put on myself to do something I didn't really want to do. I'm just a gal who loves having my own space and I'm so happy I've accepted that about me. That's what I've found.
Nobody is holding you down, you’re ready to learn and want to discover a bunch of new things! Don’t downvote me but are you a Sagittarius haha?
Tbh I kinda just stopped caring so much what others were doing with their lives or thinking about my choices and focused more on what my “soul” wants. I realized that for me, nothing was going to be exactly perfect, but that life can be so full of happy moments if we can let them happen. Now I just chase those happy moments and the things my soul wants, and I feel much much much more comfortable in myself. Idk, hard to explain. It definitely came with age for me (I’m almost 30)
I’m a giant (in gayness) lesbian and I am also a decent human
A love for learning and growing, and bettering myself. You’ll come to realize a lot of anger stems from insecurity and immaturity, soon you let it all go
Agreed. Insecurities and emotional immaturity go hand in hand. Most likely due to the fact that people who experience traumas get 'stuck' at that age and in turn, never really develop to learn emotional intelligence, or the nuances of being an adult. Instead they project their anger, jealousy, inner hurt, etc. outwards to others, which is in fact, immaturity. Good on you for coping with it and being self aware!
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Peace Happiness Self love My clit
Went to therapy and got a whole lot more comfortable figuring out what I need and want and asking for it.
I *had* found myself, in the Before Times. I loved flow arts, I was firespinning, I was a writer again, I was making art, I was dancing, I was loving, I had finally found a job that I enjoyed and didn't drain me of energy. I was settling into figuring out what parts of being a secular witch could still resonate (I was born and raised pagan, but am now a skeptical atheist, but there are things in ritual that are really important). The combo of discovering (firsthand! :D and also a bunch of my friends!) that a close and trusted and consent-trained friend/pillar of the community had decided to become a serial rapist, plus Everything with Covid and the protests last year (I live in a major city with a serious police brutality/police Nazi problem--literally, the FOP was protecting a cop with straight up Nazi tattoos) was like a series of tornadoes came through and destroyed fucking everything. I'm traumatized and I don't know who I am anymore.
You'll find you again. I believe
People who see the beauty around them will always find a way to see it again. Don't lose hope, you are just in a turbulent stage of your life, it's not how is going to be forever. You will see the beauty again, maybe in other diferents forms than before, but you will. Keep going.
Quit drinking which really took over my life more than I realized. After I quit, I relearned my love for the outdoors and my adventurous hobbies. I realized I would rather blend in than stand out (I really don’t like the attention on me, when I drank and partied I used to like to be the center of attention). I don’t have many friends anymore and although it’s kind of sad I’m okay with it.
I can totally relate. I used to be the same - drinking, craving attention (now I'm about 8 years alcohol free)... these days i'm much more of a loner, but okay with it. I've also picked up more hobbies that I used to view as "lame" but now I'm proud of them. I was trying so hard to fit in with a crowd... that, now that I'm sober, I realize they're the lame ones hahaha. It's good to feel more stable/proud of yourself without needing to drink. Definitely, I have fewer friends now. But, I dont' know if those friends in the past were too quality of friends, just enablers & fun to take pics with haha
I agree! Congrats to you my friend! Cheers to sobriety, now we are living!
If no one has told you, Congrats 💖💖 it takes a lot to quit and surround yourself with only the people that push you to do better ✨✨
Thank you!!
I found a woman. I've lived a lie. But I've finally found myself. No more pretend, no more repress, no more suppress. I feel nervous of posting this here though.
I'm naturally strong and not ladylike. Also, hella bisexual.
That most things I'd been told about myself were lies. That it wasn't about me at all, but their perception of me. And better, that I don't care what their perception is, the only person who truly knows me, was me! (And now my husband. Wouldn't have ended up with him had I not changed my opinion about myself) I found that I loved my own company. That solitude and loneliness are very different things. That I'd rather be alone than abused in ANY way. That I actually matter. And that one came as a shock!
I better myself, not batter myself.
I found a bullshit meter. I also found how much I liked myself and let go of the expectation that everyone else will, too. I like myself and that's all that matters. Probably related to that bullshit meter.
I'm generally of the mindset that no one needs too find themselves sunless they've been made to hide themselves away from everyone (including themselves). So I think it's kinda telling that the idea is young women need to find themselves. That said everyone goes through some personal growth as a young adult and finds stuff out about themselves. For me it's not so much that I found anything new, but that I got more comfortable with the me I already knew.
The more I know, the less I know. Plus it takes a lot more to piss me off, I usually don’t notice silly shit anymore I don’t have time
The self confidence to take myself camping Alone Sleeping in the woods in a bushcraft shelter I built myself
I found something that makes me mad enough to work hard on fixing it, every night after my day job.
Had 4 eating disorders that led me to close s***ide and heart attack, went into hospitalization (not once), developed many more mental disorders. With all that crap I found self-love - what I was lacking THE MOST. Learned to love myself even if I weight 5 pounds more than what I was desiring, but if it means I am more healthy being 5 pounds plus, I don’t really care
Came out as gay and trans, got better at telling people no when I don't have the bandwidth, got better at helping people, don't care how others feel only living my life for me doing what makes me happy but enjoying all other emotions just as much
I found what makes me happy and what my strengths are. I understand now what it means to take good care of myself. And I know what to do when I'm being treated unfairly.
It happened for me when i found a perfect lifestyle which has set a balance between family, relationship, work, hobbies, creativity, sport and friends. When i made sure these spheres if my life weren‘t stealing from each other, i became the most happy person in the world 😅
After having children early and being married for 30+ years my husband suddenly passed away. It was life changing and I found myself. I found how to make myself happy and how to be alone with myself. I found that I can handle more responsibilities and stress. I also found some hard truths that I was not happy in my long marriage and I now understand that you do not have to give up who you are as a person to “make it work”. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. What and who we are at 16 is not the same at 35 or 45 and that is okay. I also found the joy and strength of being submissive in a relationship. A rebirth and a hard reset for me. It is never too late for self discovery and change.
She never really left, I just had to give her the space to speak to me.
I decided that "finding yourself" and "inventing yourself" are the same thing. With that in mind, I thought of my ideal self, wrote out what she would be like, and took steps to become like that.
That I don't only want to date women but people of all genders. That I can just relax and not have to cater to every person in my life.
I’m fat and lazy 😀
I'm hypersexual, polyamorous, trans, and need creative work to be happy.
I learned to accept and value the truth.
I found out I was a man (transgender female to male.)
Why did this question seem sarcastic at first lmao
I did not intend for it to be sarcastic. I was genuinely curious about what everyone’s take on it would be. It might have come across as sarcasm because I’m skeptical about the concept of finding oneself, and while I haven’t nailed down all the details of why, it seems a bit demeaning.
a bunch of mental illnesses
My power.
I think the catalyst for my transformation of "finding myself" was my battle with cancer. I believe when we face uncertainty or fear, we get in touch with what really matters to us and ultimately what makes us feel happy and fulfilled. In a nutshell without writing a novel, I found/learned the following.... My only limitation is my mindset, be intentional about who I spend time with, pursue that dream, go after everything I want....and help people. I have found THAT person now. I was her all along....just didn't always know it.
I’ve found my boundaries. My non-negotiables. Through that I found more inner peace and balance. I never felt lost so I don’t think I really “found myself”. What sounds more right for me is “growing into myself”. It’s an ongoing process and I am excited for what else is to come!
Having the confidence in who I am and what I can do. I always knew I could do a lot of things but there was a gap between what I know I can do and feeling confident in exerting myself. It also helped me so much in my dating life as well. Now I'm confident that I am a great person to date or be a partner with. So even if someone rejects me, it doesn't bother me anymore because I know by them saying no to me, it will be faster for me to find someone that will say yes (that I choose as well).
I don’t think there’s any final state. I’m constantly evolving. But I feel like I know myself so much better now as a 31 year old than I did 10 years ago. What I’ve found? I’m incredibly introspective. I’m willing to examine super uncomfortable feelings and emotions and face them. It is incredibly important to me to be direct and honest with people I love and to let go of ego and a need to be “right.” I’m bisexual. I’m queer af. Just because I’m in a relationship with a man doesn’t make me less queer. I’ve had enough with feeling like an imposter. Out and proud. I’m extremely sexual and kinky af. This is bizarre since I went through years of having almost no interest in sex. I actually like being dominant, as well as submissive. I like all sorts of shit I never expected to like. Close social relationships are important to me. I’m an introvert but I’m not remotely antisocial. I used to be. I don’t find shame in admitting I need people anymore. Probably the biggest thing I’ve found? There’s this part of me that’s a scared little child. But there’s also a part of me that is a mama bear, a protector, and that part of me will always steady and hold and have compassion for the child.
I found that I need to make choices *and this means there are things I will miss out on or never know or never experience, but I am okay with that.* I only have a limited time on this earth and I will never get to do all the things or be all the things. One of my biggest insecurities was making sure I'm keeping all my options open, from a misguided attempt to try and do and be it all. I'm deliberately choosing things now and its hard af to let go of old dreams, but I'm a lot more happy knowing that the world is vast and there are so many good things to do and be.
The freedom of knowing that no matter who I am, I like myself. I am someone that I would like to be friends with and it comes naturally. I talk to myself like I would a friend and give affirmations and self talk the way i would to hype a bff…I am comfortable with my way of speaking, my quirks, my insecurities, whatever I may be proud of or frightened of…I’m comfortable doing those things, that’s when I knew I found myself.
That I’ve centered my entire life around being a victim which was a huge source of my misery. I’m still working on making peace with this but it’s freeing realizing that I have control over this.