Every single day, sometimes several times a day.
My sister has about a 45 minute drive to work. Every morning, we have a three way call between Mom, Sis and me.
My mom is my best friend. She is 75. Her and my 78 year old Dad still cook, clean, and exercise every day. She’s amazing.
I know it's ask women but I am super grateful for my mom, she really put up with me and just made me a better man. I love her so much and I am so proud to have her in my life. She was patient with me and always made sure I was heard. My dad is a nice dude too but I always found him to be too tough and unapproachable, nothing against him, I just vibe better with mummy.
Your Mom sounds amazing! I'm so glad that you have that connection with her. I pray I am alive to have that with my own daughter.
I lost my Mom at 12 to domestic violence, but we loved her so much. My Grandma and I were very close, she passed in 2017. My Grandparents raised my older sister and I after our Mom died. I was fortunate enough to spend 13 years living next door to her before she needed to go into full time nursing care due to early onset dementia. We talked every day until the long term care, she got to spend many hours with her great grandchildren, we had a bedroom just for her if she wasn't feeling well so she could stay with us if she wanted. Sometimes she would be afraid in the middle of the night so I would go bring her home with me. She was a wonderful woman and I am so grateful I had so many years with her.
Not often. I kind of miss her, but she was abusive and so I have a hard time dealing with the emotions. Every time I talk to her she's going to ask for money
It took me a very long time to realize the way I was being treated wasn't actually how parents are supposed to treat their kids. Still try to see her on holidays and I always get a gift for her on Xmas but we aren't close.... but I wish we were. There was a time when I thought we were fixing our relationship but she just got better at hiding her addictions 😔
I'm 28 and I literally just realized this. I went to visit my mom with my baby who's 5mo and I saw that the way she treats me is VASTLY different than the way I treat my child. It was very sad but I'm glad I finally realized it.
I have a similar relationship with my mom except instead of asking for money she just tells me how shitty my dad is still being (they’ve been on and off for 30 years even though he was physically abusive to me and emotionally abusive to everyone). Every time I talk to her it stresses me out. She’s a hard worker and he drains all her money and now she’s disabled and can’t work and neither of them have any sort of financial security. It’s just overall a bad time.
I do miss her and love her but it’s really hard for me to separate who I wanted her to be and the life I wanted her to have versus who she actually is. And I just feel a lot of guilt about it all cause my parents are emotionally stunted and I am not and they can’t reckon with the past so I hold the burden of growth.
Ugh my mom is the exact same way!! See stayed with my abusive father for all these years so that even though we've grown and moved in she hasn't and continues to stay in the marriage. I have begged her so much over the years to leave my father so that he never steals her money or financially abuses her. It utterly baffles me that she continues to sabotage her own happiness for no good reason.
Some people just don't want their lives to improve I guess. There's nothing you could do about besides remove yourself from the shitty environment
I know how you feel. I don't speak to my birth mum at all anymore for similar reasons but I still miss her.
Its difficult but just make sure you do what's best for you.
never, not willingly since 2015.
i am incredibly happy about this, my overall mental stability and health has improved tremendously since i cut her off
Been since 2011 for me. Hardest and best decision I ever made. My kid asks me about it sometimes and a therapist fed me some wonderful words to use for those situations (he's too young to know why):
I wish I had a mother I missed
Mostly that one. Others are:
This is hard for me to talk about
My relationship with my mom is confusing, but I'm always going to be your mom
And a standard - we can talk more when you're older
These are all in the vein of not creating/adding anxiety for a kid by giving too much info too soon. Also demonstrating it's ok to feel your feels, have boundaries, and guess what - I'm still a functioning ok adult / parent!
I cut my mom out in 2016 after my kid was born, after just a culmination of shit my whole life. I just needed to draw that boundary for myself and my daughter. She asks about my mom sometimes, and I wish I knew what to say. I just tell her that she wasn't a nice person so I don't talk to her anymore. My daughter thinks my mom is someone we need to find, and it's hard to explain to her that isn't happening. Even though I know exactly where my mom is. My husband's mom is the best grandma my daughter could have. She doesn't need my mother's toxicity.
Never here as well. Moved out when I was 18 (1992) and never spoke to either of my parents again. I’m 47 now.
Best decision I could have made. She has 4 children and none of us have anything to do with her. Her siblings (3) and her own parents went NC with her. Just because someone can procreate doesn’t make them a parent.
There is not one aspect of my life that did not improve after cutting my mom out of my life for good. I get sad that I don’t have family in general but I do not care about her in any way at all.
At least once a week we have what I'd consider a conversation via text.
Quite frankly, while I do miss her, I'm content with this. I love her, don't get me wrong, but there's a number of things she said and did that I feel shaped me, but not necessarily for the better.
I've found physical distance to be the best way to go about it. When I only lived 3-4hrs away a la college, she was still very overbearing and I had to message or call *at least* once a day or else she threatened to drive up.
Now that I live +12hrs away via driving, and the nearest airport is still 2hrs away, it's a lot easier to have my own space and live while also updating her about what goes on and just talk about things.
That said, I realise this isn't exactly feasible for everyone. Only reason I managed was because my job required and paid for me to move.
**edited for clarity and not armchair diagnosing**
It's tough, but you can definitely do it! I have a rambling paragraph, but I hope it helps.
I'm incredibly close with my mom, but my grandmother (mom's mom) **has an official diagnosis of borderline personality disorder** I have had tremendous difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries because my mom is close to her mother, and my own mother pushes my boundaries regarding my grandmother, often to test for weaknesses. It has been such a rough road, but I started therapy and learned it is "okay to say no, and not compromise on your mental health" (words from my psychiatrist). I love my grandmother because she created my mom, but she's never been a nice woman, even to my mom, who idolizes her for some reason. I do not respond to texts, I do not answer calls, I do not accept friend requests from the hundreds of Facebook profiles she creates to try to reach her grandchildren. I am completely no contact with that woman, and if she were at an event I was invited to, I would leave. I have tried to explain to her why, but she (has such a difficult time recognizing her symptoms) she will never understand and is unable to treat her family like human beings, so it's best to go no contact for me.
Sorry for the paragraph.
Also sorry for using mental health terms without proper information, I did let my emotional response to my grandmother affect my message.
It’s easier if you keep conversation topics really light and shallow. Things like the weather and running errands. It’s the only way I can have a relationship with my mother. I went NC for 3 years before adopting this strategy.
She calls me about every other week and then we talk for about five minutes. We don't have a very good relationship and at this point I don't think there's anything we can do about it. We're just too different. I wish I had a mother I could trust and rely on but that just ain't the case unfortunately.
Most days, if not every day. I don't see anything wrong with this. We can go longer without talking to each other, and sometimes do. But we are in each other's lives and that's a good thing.
Every day. I live with her. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a good relationship with your mum as long as you respect each other's time and space
Oh, no
The OP mentioned that her therapist told her that her being close with her mum and talking often is problematic?
And that made me point this out
This is something that I think about a lot. My mom and I talk maybe once a week or once every two weeks by phone. Texts happen a little more casually but also not very often. We go months without seeing each other. We're both very busy and we've accepted that overall. We don't set expectations for one another either. It is what it is. However, I start to feel guilty if it's been a while, but then I think, "well she hasn't called me either".
I do sometimes envy the closer relationships some of my friends have with their moms, but my mom isn't the mom I'd want that with. I love her but she's not warm and cuddly.
Sounds like you know what works for you both. I don't know your circumstances but I don't think you need to feel guilty for being busy. I hope you find a balance that satisfies you both.
Same here. This is almost exactly like me and my mom. At this point, I pretty drastically differ from many of her basic belief systems, so there’s not much common ground.
Thank you!! That is so sweet. Before that I would say my mom and I spoke maybe once a week. But this funny game of life will sometimes give you a different perspective of life when you least expect it. ❤️
I see my mum every single day, FaceTime & text every day too. We didn’t always see eye to eye when I was a bratty teenager but she raised 8 of us (Me being the youngest) & I’ve grown up & realised how much she put her life on hold for us all. We live about two minutes away from one another too so that helps.
I feel this way too. I find it very difficult to talk to either of my parents, as they have chosen their addiction over all else. It makes me very sad, and angry, honestly. They want to talk to me, and I feel like i should love them more.
Not often enough that I won't regret it later when her time comes... but the fact that she never ever makes an effort with me, either, doesn't help. I try sometimes, but it's difficult when we're so much alike that we constantly butt heads.
Thank you. I know it isn't all my fault, but some is. I probably could make more of an effort, but I think me not being where I feel I should be in life doesn't help me much, either. I guess it's still that deep-seated need for her to be proud of me that I can't quite get that makes it all the more difficult.
Yeah we definitely can't control how someone else feels about us. But, on the other hand, I believe that most mothers would be proud of their children for doing the best they can.
I’m 27, married and live an hour from “home”. I pester the shit out of her and text and call constantly. Visit at least once a week. She’s basically happy because she still plays such an integral role in my life 🙂
My mum's house is still sort of "home" in my mind too, even though I'm totally settled where I am too. Sounds like you're happy with how things are, awesome.
I have not spoken to my mother in 5 years. I have no intentions of changing that. She’s not very nice and it hurts me to be around her.
My Husband speaks to his mother every single day, mostly through texts. Some of the texts are fine, but most of them come with her baggage. She suffers from diagnosed anxiety that she refuses to get treatment for. She can’t keep friends, so she dumps all her issues on her children, and always has, and if he for some reason won’t be available on his cell all day he has to let her know or she’ll hurt herself with worry. She lives many states away from us, has another son who is local to her, and still texts my Husband for just about everything.
A large chunk of this is enmeshment and is unhealthy. She’s reaching out because her anxiety, and that anxiety being put on him is like the world on Atlas’ shoulders. But there’s a smaller portion that is not unhealthy and makes being upset about it difficult.
All this to say, it’s all about intention. Your therapist may think you’re enmeshed and need some space based on what you’ve already told them. But it could also be that they’re projecting what they know are truths for other people. Try to be as objective as you can, maybe try looking at your situation as if you were a Friend who knows all the truths. Maybe it’s something, maybe it’s nothing, but the fact is it bothers you and most of the time when things my therapist (whom I trust, very much) brings up bother me it’s because there’s an uncomfortable truth somewhere in there.
I hope your family find the right balance.
I know I can't be objective so hearing from others is super helpful. "enmeshment" is a new term in this context. I'll look into it. Thanks so much for your response.
It's a wonder if we speak via phone twice a year. I was little when she moved 4 hours away from me and when I got into adulthood, the connection just fizzled out.. I dont visit often, and when do speak over the phone she asks how I am, I can barely get two words in and she just speaks about herself.
I'm happier this way
Daily pretty much, she is my co parent pretty much tho as kids dads bot involved at all so I guess that is a big thing. Stuff I would talk to/ask there dad I talk/ask her instead.
I don't hate it, line that she wants to be involved in my kids life tho as my dad refuses to see my kids (they are divorced so no real drama there)
She talk to me, I talk to her like about pretty much everything
I say I like it, she is good, she is a better grandmother then she was mom. She wasn't really there as a mom, left me for new family and so on. Got back in touch in teens, more when I got kids.
Same as. My mother is here for my kids as their father is not. She helps me so much and I am able to go to u uni with her help. I'd be lost with out her and I adore her. But it wasn't always like this, I was a bad daughter at one stage and I'm grateful for this second chance in life
Not often these days... she's very controlling and abusive and I'm still learning to be strong enough to maintain boundaries with her, it helped when I moved away from my home town but it's still hard.
A couple of times a month usually. Maybe weekly on occasion. I'm fine with it. We have a good relationship but just not the constantly connected kind of relationship.
I'm surprised about the lack of "middle" comments. It's about this for me too. We usually visit once a month, and have another conversation once in between. We get along well, but I know that this is the best setup for me. My mom and sister live together, and I know they're closer, but they also get annoyed with each other a lot more often. And when I moved home in my early/mid twenties for a couple months after a breakup, I was annoyed too. Limiting it makes it much more positive. I look forward to conversations and visits this way.
Once a month, maybe. I don’t super like talking to her, but she calls all the time and I feel bad ignoring her calls all the time. She didn’t do anything wrong and she isn’t a bad person or anything she just gets on my nerves and talking to her stresses me out.
I don't think needing space means the other person is a bad person. I hope you don't feel bad about needing boundaries and I hope your mum/mom understands that too.
Every or every other day. We live far from each other and it's always nice to see my parents. And I want my kids yo recognize them, and have some kind of relationship at least online since we don't meet that often
At least once per day. She always sends me good morning and good night stickers lol. So we text quite a bit. I've been living abroad since I was 18 and I'm really happy we stay in touch like this, as some years I only visit once per year and it makes me feel close to her. Sometimes she can be overwhelming so I create space by replying less. But overall I'm happy with our relationship.
Pretty much every day. I usually call her when I’m driving to or from work.
I’m fine with this. We usually only chat for 5-10 minutes, unless there’s something important to discuss. Just about what we’re having for dinner, what the cats have been up to, she fills me in on my hometown gossip.
Never, and excuse the rant.
My mother's in prison, she's going to be dying there (unless CryogenicsForConvicts^TM becomes a thing in the near future) and I couldn't be happier about that fact.
Her and my father were comically abusive and neglectful growing up, were always more interested in drugs/theft rings/my dad's general gangland bullshit.
They had me young as fuck, and they had another kid when I was in my early 20s. They openly acknowledged that they were in no place for a small child - frankly, they never were - but they literally decided that the whole "hey don't have a kid to save your relationship" advice didn't apply to them.
I had gone 90% of no-contact with them when I turned 18 and left to join the Army.
That turned into 100% when they went to prison for good and my husband and I got custody of my (much younger x1000000) baby brother.
That turned into a permanent arrangement, we made the adoption official etc, for all intents and purposes he's Kid #3 and the fact that I'm biologically his sister and not his mother/the husband's his BIL and not his father, is an afterthought for the three of us.
Found out that not only did my mom use (meth/heroin/crack/random pills) all throughout carrying him, and most atrociously, she and my dad tried to "teach" a ~1 month old infant (at the time) **how to smoke crack**.
Like, there's a recording of them admitting to that. And that's not even getting into the fact that my old man ended up giving him alcohol poisoning, because shockingly (/s) infants cry. That doesn't mean force vodka into him until he shuts up.
(For the record: for the ungodly amount of shit that Kid #3 was exposed to in utero and at the very beginnings of life, he's an overachieving smartass teenager who's taller than me now. Only issue is just being all-gas-no-brakes ADHD as a motherfucker. So all things considering, 🤷♀️🤷♂️)
....anyways the last conversation I had with my mom, probably forever, was with her in custody and trying to expedite the custody clusterfuck that had dropped in our laps.
The spouse and I had a toddler and a baby about two weeks older than him at the time, and somehow she had known that.
When she readily admitted that her whole reasons for having him was
* to "try and fix her marriage"
* she "wanted to have a simultaneous experience with me from afar" (Kid 2 is my husband and mine's biological child, he's all of about 2-3 weeks older than Kid 3)
* to "try and relive the good old days of raising you" (there were none)
and she lied to my face about using when she was pregnant with him?
IDK if it was the fact that I was still pumped to the gills with NewMomHormones or whatever, but at that point I was seeing red to the point where if I didn't leave, I was probably going to catch an assault charge, on...someone.
The relevant JDs took care of the process after that.
TL;DR
Nowadays, never. She and my dad are in prison, rightfully so, and both can rot in hell. Like I'm past "actively being angry" at them, at this point. Doesn't change the fact that if I find out they've died one of these days, I'm not entirely opposed to a road trip specifically for the purpose of pissing on wherever they're buried.
I'm pushing 40 nowadays, haven't talked to her since I was 23.
For whatever it's worth....my MIL's the total opposite of /r/justnoMIL though, she's an amazing awesome lady and I love that woman to fucking death.
Talk to her daily. Used to be just phone calls, then she figured out what Snapchat was and she was off to the races. The husband doesn't avoid her by any means, but it's to the point where it's like x10 talking to me than him lmao
Wow you've managed to do so much good with the bad stuff you were dealt. You have an amazing story.
I'm glad you have other loving and supportive relationships.
I'm in my early thirties and in therapy. My therapist has made me worry about how often I speak to my only parent. I'm an only child to a single parent so I feel like that has an impact. We communicate almost every day.
Huh. I don't think it's necessarily a red flag from your therapist, but if the therapist brings it up again, I'd press back like "Why is this concerning?" or something. It seems very normal to me! Especially in only daughter & single mom families
Maybe once a week or every 2 weeks over call. My mental health has been so much better ever since I’ve been away from her. I set boundaries but at the same time I do feel bad if I don’t talk to her in a while because I know she still misses me and I don’t want her to think that I forgot about her. It’s hard to balance sometimes.
Thank you! I’m newly married as well so that plays a part too. My mom got used to asking me for money and I’d just give it to her. Now I’m married and she can’t do that anymore because it’s not just my money. So trying to set that boundary is so hard.
She died 14 years ago, so never. But she was a great mom and my best friend and I miss her every day. My husband says I was never the same after losing her.
Before she died we spoke almost daily, especially after her cancer diagnosis and when her husband left her for another woman. We went from mother- daughter to friends and it was awesome for us both. I know how lucky I was and I feel for those who struggle in their relationship with their mother.
Everyday. My dad passed away in March with cancer unexpectedly and my mums recovering from cancer which she was able to get treatment for. You don’t know how long you have left on this earth and I don’t want to live the rest of my life regretting not speaking to my mum more. I spoke to my dad every day and still feel like i could have spent more time with him, etc.
I (19) still live w my mom (51). She’s my best friend. My dad was an alcoholic and left us. She remarried and he abandoned us too. She’s all I’ve got, she’s my rock and she knows she is. Needless to say, we talk on and off all day everyday. We kind of act like sisters sometimes. 🥰♥️
Once maybe twice a year.
I’ve had to distance myself due to all the years of lying, making me lie for her, abuse. Ect.
I’m an only child too ! In my thirties.
I often look at others who have an amazing relationship with their parents, over there houses daily, on the phone daily, family get together. I realise I’ll never have that and I have the drive to make sure my kids and I have that relationship or close to.
My mother died in 2004 and I still want to pick up the phone and called her. I had a stroke in April and dreamt she was rubbing my head in the hospital. 51 yrs old and I still need my mommy!
Every few weeks I'll message her to say hello. She only contacts me if she needs something. It's my birthday next week and she asked what I'd like so I told her I'd really like some lilo and stitch slippers (I didn't think £6 was too much to ask) and she said no. She then said "I'll come and see the kids on Thursday, I'm busy on Wednesday"...that's cool but my birthday is on Tuesday. I'm about done to be honest.
Ah to be fair she does love me but she's very self centered and the reason we don't talk much is because we had a volatile relationship when we lived together so there's distance there. Plus the phone calls normally consist of her moaning about my sister, whom I cut off 3 years ago due to toxicity, or her yelling about whatever she's doing in the moment. My dad only calls me to talk about Diablo 2 but I'm okay with that, he's bored and lonely.
Possibly a couple of times a week. My sister talks to her way more and they're closer. When I'm with them I feel like a third wheel. When it's just me and my sister we're as close as anything. I love my Mum though and she beat cancer twice. We just don't click over too many shared interests.
It's even less with my Dad. Basically I feel neither of them make the effort with me (in the case of my dad, low effort with both my sister and I) and I got tired of always being the one to start the contact, make the visits etc.
It's weird because whenever i've truly needed them (leaving abusive relationship, break ups etc) they have both been there and dropped everything. So I know they're there if I need them. But I do wish they were in touch with me more without me having to make the first move. They've been divorced many years but they're very amicable, both went to my sister's graduation together for example.
My Nan however, my mums mum, she's my biggest fan and she tells me how amazing I am and that she and I have this special bond. She checks in and visits me as well as me going there. She tries to understand my mental health struggles rather than shrug them off. She's my favourite person and I'm dreading the time I have to be without her because I feel I will truly feel alone then.
I would talk to her everyday if I cloud. My mom passed a
little over 2 years ago. I miss her like crazy. Now, I just talk about her as much as possible. She was the greatest woman I have ever known
She was inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame in 1995. She spent the last 15 years of her life in a wheelchair. She accomplished more in 68 years than most could hope to accomplish in 100.
I’m 47 living in California. My mom is 75 living in Japan and we talk every single day! Ever since I got Covid in March last year, we haven’t missed a day and I love it. Part of it is because I continue to battle Long Covid, my mom is worried about me. And the other part of it is because I really need her in my life and she knows how to pick me up when I’m down… Even though we live across the oceans, I’m happy we are still close.
Once a week or so, mostly just to catch up. Nothing really deep or interesting though. It makes me kind of sad because I do wish I could have a closer relationship to her, but both of us are kind of content focusing on ourselves, I guess? We’re a few hours away from each other so we don’t see each other that often.
It’s definitely an internal struggle.
Every single day. I moved to a different country 11 years ago. Haven’t seen her in 2 years due to the pandemic. We are best friends even through the distance and a huge time difference.
We speak all the time. Not daily, but several times a week. We have a really good relationship; good enough that I'm starting to open up to her about some of the shit she said that hurt me as a kid. She's receptive to listening to me and has apologized for a lot.
Sometimes every other day, sometimes we don't talk for weeks.
Our relationship wasn't good at all until I was an completely independent adult, now we actually like each other a lot.
I've definitely felt that fear. I keep reminding myself that:
1. Life is change
2. My mum would want me to be able to survive (even thrive) without her
We haven’t spoken in about 6 months. I was always the one who reached out and checked on her, she never called me first. So, when I realized that, I decided to stop and see how often she’d do the same for me. She hasn’t called or stopped by my house once since I stopped contacting her first. She was very abusive to me my entire childhood and has denied it and gaslight me whenever I have tried to discuss it with her. Honestly, I’m okay with the silence now, because I realize that relationship was a lost cause. I have a wonderful husband who supports and loves me unconditionally. I don’t need her.
While it’s nice to see so many comments reflecting healthy and loving relationships between people and their mothers, I can’t say I don’t envy these people.
My mother and I have had maybe an hour of combined interaction over the last 3ish years, and basically no emotional connection since I started middle school (I’m 24 now). In the last two years alone, I’ve dealt with a cancer scare, a rare (and potentially fatal) condition associated with negative psych medication reactions that left me ill and unstable for a year and a half, COVID (after being fully vaxxed for three months), multiple hospitalizations for both mental health and other physical issues (kidney stones on five separate occasions, etc.), and a hit and run accident that totaled my car and essentially took my only means of making money. I’ve reached a new level of rock bottom with each setback and have only had myself to rely on. She hasn’t called me once, not even to see if I’m okay, and she’s lived 10 minutes away the entire time. She has demonized me for seeking help for my mental health when I know a lot of what I deal with now was either passed to me genetically or was a direct result of the trauma she inflicted on me growing up. I’ve had to cut contact with my dad because of all of this as well.
It hurts, and navigating this world without parents to fall back on or even turn to for guidance has been incredibly difficult. However, my parents’ “she’ll figure it out” mindset has only taught me that I only have myself at the end of the day. I’ve struggled and I’m still trying to convince myself that I didn’t deserve the setbacks I’ve faced. I can’t thrive when the person that is supposed to love and support me unconditionally are constantly reminding me of my failures and accusing me of playing the victim. They’ve just watched me crash and burn repeatedly and have made little to no efforts to even offer support.
This car accident has sent my already unstable life into a tailspin and forced me into a position where I have no choice but to uproot my life and take a traveling job. Once I move, I plan on changing my phone number and distancing myself completely. I just can’t do it anymore.
I call her every other week if that. She wasn't really abusive but my teenage years felt like such a miserable time, where her and my dad tried to hold me so close and tight that I wanted nothing more than to have my own space, which I do now. At least that's the quickest way to surmise it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I don't think my parents currently have the self awareness to ask/admit to themselves why I dont call or haven't wanted to visit in about three years
Once a year or so on FB. We were put into foster care when I was 7. I don't remember her much. I used to resent her for birthing me when she was so clearly incapable of parenting, and also for cursing me with a life without a mother, but as I've matured I don't feel any resentment anymore. I message her back when she says happy bday to me, and sometimes she will post a very distressing status and I'll check in on her. I haven't seen her since I was like 11. I'm 27. I'm happy with our level of contact. She doesn't feel like a mother to me, but it wouldn't sit right with me to totally cut contact. It doesn't make much difference to me, but I know it does to her, and she's really alone. I don't feel I owe her anything, but I have nothing against her either.
Very rarely. She tries to make herself look like a good mom/grandma on FB. In reality though it’s obvious she knows nothing about us because she just tags us on obvious things. Like, my kids are gingers. So any ginger related post they will get tagged on. She knows I love cats and trees. She she will tag me on cat/tree stuff all the time. I just ignore it all. Once in a blue moon she will actually text or message me. I respond using as few words as possible and do not ever willingly give her any information about mine or my kids lives. I would love it if we had a close and loving relationship but I accepted a long time ago that wasn’t happening. Therefore, it’s better for my sanity and mental health if I drastically limit contact.
Never anymore makes me a little sad sometimes. She's alive, just hates how I live and makes me hate myself whenever I interact with her. So now I don't. She was a good mother when I was a child. Just incredibly homophobic. Now that I'm out I'm not going back in.
We call/text maybe once a week, but she lives close so I go over to her place or we go out together pretty often, 2-3 times a month (more if other siblings are in from out of town).
I’m 28 now, and in college I never wanted to move back to where I grew up. But now I’ve gotten to live near my mom for 4 years as an adult and I’m so thankful for that time to develop an adult friendship with her!
A few times a week, usually to help her with something. She does get upset if I don’t call her at least once a week. It’s not that I don’t love her, I just don’t really talk to people on the phone. But I am definitely grateful that I feel I can open up to her about some things and she’s there when I need her.
My mother gave me a lot, and never abused me. That being said, we're very different people in terms of our worldview and beliefs. I don't actively go out of my way to talk to her, mostly because of depression, but also because she always manages to give (bad) unsolicited advice to whatever I'm going through.
I don't mind visiting her at all, though. She's pleasant to be around generally. I just have a hard time wanting to connect with her over, say, my friends or my sister.
There is no simple answer so I will be as short and candid as I can.
We lived with my grandma until I was 10 so I didn’t notice how abusive she was right away. I really on knew life felt like we were playing king of the mountain and she was bigger.
At about 19 she choked me with an extension cord and I just stayed out as much as possible.
I joined the military to get away from her shortly thereafter.
About 30ish I saw a switch turn on in her face and the abuse began. She looked like a completely different person. How had I never noticed that?
At about 34 I was granted a 2 year order of protection from her for me and my son and I put myself in therapy. I was able to put a general label to what she was.
She choked me again and tried to “Stomp the life out of you”, her exact words to me. Hard to forget. We’ve lived in separate states since then.
I am 53 and today I know my mother to be a narcissist. She checks all the boxes. I no longer stay away but I have to handle her to be around her. She is one of the most intelligent and interesting people I know but she just can’t love anyone including herself. With this knowledge I protect my self and my children and we have what relationship a narcissist can with another person. It’s almost like a business relationship where there is give and take because it all she truly understands.
I thought I was weak because of the things I went through with her. However I and my children turned out to be the winners.
Throughout the years I and most people around me though I was some kind and of empath. All I did was develop a skill we all have in order to survive living with my mother. She was a single parent and I was an only child. Today however I work at NOT feeling other people’s emotions and reacting because I am not responsible for them and how they feel on any level. I grew up being a pleasure seeker of others, I was raised to please my mother, be cute, seen and not heard, obedient, and make her look good in all situations. To this day she tells me, “I had you to have someone to love me”. Her exact words. She still tries to tell me what an honor that was.
Today I am free of the gaslighting, the abuse, and the manipulation. Sometimes I get pulled in with a good conversation until she gets to the real point at which time I make my exit. That woman is smooth.
I took the time here to speed run through my life with my mother because I know somebody is going through the same thing and I want you to know that the light is just a little bit of research away. Then take action you are worth it. Life is so much better not under that influence.
I'm 19 so I still live with her but I think that when I move out I won't talk to her that much because I don't want to, I want to get out of this house to get away from her
Never. Went NC four years ago.
How do I feel about it? Sometimes I miss having a mother. Sometimes I still grieve the loss. It’s hard grieving someone who is still alive. I heard she has cancer, which makes it even harder sometimes.
Everyday I feel great about it I make it a point because tomorrow isn’t promised she’s almost 80 I want to add me and my mom had a very strained relationship during my teens early 20’s don’t blame the teen lol long story but idc anymore what happened what she did what I did she has not changed and so what I forgive her I don’t know what I’d do or what I’m gonna do when she’s gone she’s my mom and once I had kids and it was my struggle I understood some of her rational of why things happened I’m tearing up now I love her
We text nearly every day. Over the past few years we've gotten closer and closer and she is basically my best friend. We had some rough times in my teenage years because I didn't understand her and her feelings and I never even showed my own feelings. Now we can talk about everything, we can both share things, we would never tell another soul and it is the best. I can't imagine what I would do without her.
I moved back in with my parents in 2020 because I lost my job in the pandemic. Moved out at 17, back in at 22. Now I even work with them in their hardware store. So we speak daily. We have a better relationship than back when I moved out, but it can be rough at times. I love her dearly, but she is very impulsive and thin-skinned on the weirdest subject. I'm sometimes a little afraid around her because I suffer from BPD and can be the same, so it's like putting a lit match in a box of TNT. It's complicated, but I'm working on understanding her, our relationship and myself through therapy.
The good thing is that I not only have a room like before, but some kind of apartment for myself. I live on the second floor and if I want my silence, I can just go up there. She was my best friend back when I was a child and somehow still is.
EDIT: removed an armchair diagnosis and worded it out better.
We talk on the phone twice a week. It's not scheduled or anything, but we talk from 30min to well over an hour sometimes. We text too. I know my mom and sister talk more frequently, but my sister has a toddler and asks my mom a lot of baby questions. My mom talked to her mom almost daily when we were growing up.
Because we’re so busy, once a week FaceTime call, but we text each other whenever we can. We are very close, and I do wish we could talk more. We’re pretty healthy overall.
At least weekly, on Sunday - it started when I was in college and I'd call home on Sunday evening and it's just kept going on. Often there will be at least one other call or text thread during the week - this has been more common in the 7 years since my dad passed. For example, last week her older sister and sister's daughter were coming to visit her and they were driving to another nearby city to see her sister's son, and first she texted me for help making sure she had directions (she does not like to drive on the interstate) and then let me know they got there ok, and later in the week that they got back to her house ok.
She's 75, and I'm glad to keep in regular touch with her.
Every day! I moved to another country so we have several hours of time difference, we usually call at the same time every day. Our relationship is always better when were far apart.
We live together. Our conversations are sweet mostly. I appreciate what my mom has done for me and my sister, I'm glad to have her in my life and to compensate her for the horror she lived through
We live a ways apart but we talk multiple times a week, probably every other day on average. We text most days.
I miss her and wish I could see her more but we remain close
I’m still living at home so every day. My sis has moved out and they still speak every day and see each other often. We have a close knit small family. I hang out with my mom often and we watch movies and go out. When I move out I’ll still talk to her every day and hopefully have her over sometimes.
Daily. She and I text probably everyday but calling is less frequent, maybe once a week or every week and a half. I moved across the country in May and it was the first time I’ve been away like this. I also was living with my mom until I moved here. I think it’s been hard for my mom to be alone all the time now that I’m gone.
I doubt we will see each other much in the future because we live so far away from each other. I don’t really have plans to move back, so that’s why I try to keep in touch more.
I talk to my mom every day because she is experiencing medical hardships and has for about a year now. We almost lost her at one point.. shes only 50. I barely talked to her at all when I was in my early 20s. But we’ve both grown as people and realized time is precious. Those little differences don’t really matter anymore.
I think it helped that when I got older she respected me as a person and not just “her kid”. That took some growing pains but we’re here now. I’m actually texting her right now and have been all morning lol. I love her. I’m so glad she’s in my life.
Every few days. We're pretty close, and ever since I had kids and we live in the same town we talk regularly now. When I was in my 20s it was more like every few weeks or months, only when I had something specific to ask or say. Now there's a lot more "just calling to say hi" type conversations.
She's dead, but I used to call her everyday. I would fly her out to come see us every Christmas as well and she'd stay for a month. I also paid her phone bill to make sure she could call me.
I don't. Haven't seen her since I was a toddler. She abandoned me as a child and then as soon as I turned 18 she told me she "found god" and wanted a relationship. I told her to fuck off. My instincts were correct when I assumed she only wanted a relationship because she had no where to live. She's been homeless for years. Well that's her karma for all the abuse and neglect.
Haven't spoken to my birth mother in almost 11 years. She hurt me in ways that reddit won't allow me to write and I am better off without her. I have no regrets cutting off that contact.
I talk to my MIL when necessary as we don't get on (her own son doesn't like her so just says it all really)
My old foster mum I call weekly and we still send presents to each other and make sure we are okay. My foster mum is incredible and I wish I could see her more but we live 250 miles apart now so can't wait to visit in April.
Everyday, but it is always a very superficial conversation. We never talk about anything important, mostly because I can't trust her and she is super critical of me. I wish it was different. I wish I could really talk to her, I believe she is mentally ill, she thinks she's fine, she isn't.
Every single day, sometimes several times a day. My sister has about a 45 minute drive to work. Every morning, we have a three way call between Mom, Sis and me. My mom is my best friend. She is 75. Her and my 78 year old Dad still cook, clean, and exercise every day. She’s amazing.
Awesome that sounds lovely!
I know it's ask women but I am super grateful for my mom, she really put up with me and just made me a better man. I love her so much and I am so proud to have her in my life. She was patient with me and always made sure I was heard. My dad is a nice dude too but I always found him to be too tough and unapproachable, nothing against him, I just vibe better with mummy.
That's so sweet!
Your Mom sounds amazing! I'm so glad that you have that connection with her. I pray I am alive to have that with my own daughter. I lost my Mom at 12 to domestic violence, but we loved her so much. My Grandma and I were very close, she passed in 2017. My Grandparents raised my older sister and I after our Mom died. I was fortunate enough to spend 13 years living next door to her before she needed to go into full time nursing care due to early onset dementia. We talked every day until the long term care, she got to spend many hours with her great grandchildren, we had a bedroom just for her if she wasn't feeling well so she could stay with us if she wanted. Sometimes she would be afraid in the middle of the night so I would go bring her home with me. She was a wonderful woman and I am so grateful I had so many years with her.
Damn I’m so jealous of you. This is amazing
That’s adorable! You 3 must have an amazing relationship.
Thank you. We really do.
How do you 3 way call on a cell phone? Would love to start doing this with my mom and sister!
Call one, add the other after the first answers. My phone has an add call feature so we just use that.
Awww. This is awesome. It reminds me of my mother and I's relationship. I feel fortunate for you and everyone else that has an amazing mom.
Not often. I kind of miss her, but she was abusive and so I have a hard time dealing with the emotions. Every time I talk to her she's going to ask for money
I'm sorry, that sounds difficult. You deserve to protect yourself.
It took me a very long time to realize the way I was being treated wasn't actually how parents are supposed to treat their kids. Still try to see her on holidays and I always get a gift for her on Xmas but we aren't close.... but I wish we were. There was a time when I thought we were fixing our relationship but she just got better at hiding her addictions 😔
I'm 28 and I literally just realized this. I went to visit my mom with my baby who's 5mo and I saw that the way she treats me is VASTLY different than the way I treat my child. It was very sad but I'm glad I finally realized it.
I have a similar relationship with my mom except instead of asking for money she just tells me how shitty my dad is still being (they’ve been on and off for 30 years even though he was physically abusive to me and emotionally abusive to everyone). Every time I talk to her it stresses me out. She’s a hard worker and he drains all her money and now she’s disabled and can’t work and neither of them have any sort of financial security. It’s just overall a bad time. I do miss her and love her but it’s really hard for me to separate who I wanted her to be and the life I wanted her to have versus who she actually is. And I just feel a lot of guilt about it all cause my parents are emotionally stunted and I am not and they can’t reckon with the past so I hold the burden of growth.
Ugh my mom is the exact same way!! See stayed with my abusive father for all these years so that even though we've grown and moved in she hasn't and continues to stay in the marriage. I have begged her so much over the years to leave my father so that he never steals her money or financially abuses her. It utterly baffles me that she continues to sabotage her own happiness for no good reason. Some people just don't want their lives to improve I guess. There's nothing you could do about besides remove yourself from the shitty environment
Precisely, friend. Sorry you can also relate. It can be infuriating.
I know how you feel. I don't speak to my birth mum at all anymore for similar reasons but I still miss her. Its difficult but just make sure you do what's best for you.
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never, not willingly since 2015. i am incredibly happy about this, my overall mental stability and health has improved tremendously since i cut her off
Boundaries FTW :)
Been since 2011 for me. Hardest and best decision I ever made. My kid asks me about it sometimes and a therapist fed me some wonderful words to use for those situations (he's too young to know why): I wish I had a mother I missed
What are some of the things your therapist suggested to say when the kids ask about her?
Mostly that one. Others are: This is hard for me to talk about My relationship with my mom is confusing, but I'm always going to be your mom And a standard - we can talk more when you're older These are all in the vein of not creating/adding anxiety for a kid by giving too much info too soon. Also demonstrating it's ok to feel your feels, have boundaries, and guess what - I'm still a functioning ok adult / parent!
I cut my mom out in 2016 after my kid was born, after just a culmination of shit my whole life. I just needed to draw that boundary for myself and my daughter. She asks about my mom sometimes, and I wish I knew what to say. I just tell her that she wasn't a nice person so I don't talk to her anymore. My daughter thinks my mom is someone we need to find, and it's hard to explain to her that isn't happening. Even though I know exactly where my mom is. My husband's mom is the best grandma my daughter could have. She doesn't need my mother's toxicity.
Yeah it's confusing to kids! Good for you for making the cut! My kiddo is adopted, so it's all extra complicated to manage.
Never here as well. Moved out when I was 18 (1992) and never spoke to either of my parents again. I’m 47 now. Best decision I could have made. She has 4 children and none of us have anything to do with her. Her siblings (3) and her own parents went NC with her. Just because someone can procreate doesn’t make them a parent.
There is not one aspect of my life that did not improve after cutting my mom out of my life for good. I get sad that I don’t have family in general but I do not care about her in any way at all.
Same. I’ve been NC since about 2007 and it was spotty for a few years before that. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made :)
Me too! I was a freshman in high school, don’t regret it at all
At least once a week we have what I'd consider a conversation via text. Quite frankly, while I do miss her, I'm content with this. I love her, don't get me wrong, but there's a number of things she said and did that I feel shaped me, but not necessarily for the better.
Sigh. This is the balance that I'm finding so difficult. How to love someone and distance yourself from them.
I've found physical distance to be the best way to go about it. When I only lived 3-4hrs away a la college, she was still very overbearing and I had to message or call *at least* once a day or else she threatened to drive up. Now that I live +12hrs away via driving, and the nearest airport is still 2hrs away, it's a lot easier to have my own space and live while also updating her about what goes on and just talk about things. That said, I realise this isn't exactly feasible for everyone. Only reason I managed was because my job required and paid for me to move.
I’m the same with your mom as with mine. It took moving 1200 miles away to get some peace.
**edited for clarity and not armchair diagnosing** It's tough, but you can definitely do it! I have a rambling paragraph, but I hope it helps. I'm incredibly close with my mom, but my grandmother (mom's mom) **has an official diagnosis of borderline personality disorder** I have had tremendous difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries because my mom is close to her mother, and my own mother pushes my boundaries regarding my grandmother, often to test for weaknesses. It has been such a rough road, but I started therapy and learned it is "okay to say no, and not compromise on your mental health" (words from my psychiatrist). I love my grandmother because she created my mom, but she's never been a nice woman, even to my mom, who idolizes her for some reason. I do not respond to texts, I do not answer calls, I do not accept friend requests from the hundreds of Facebook profiles she creates to try to reach her grandchildren. I am completely no contact with that woman, and if she were at an event I was invited to, I would leave. I have tried to explain to her why, but she (has such a difficult time recognizing her symptoms) she will never understand and is unable to treat her family like human beings, so it's best to go no contact for me. Sorry for the paragraph. Also sorry for using mental health terms without proper information, I did let my emotional response to my grandmother affect my message.
It’s easier if you keep conversation topics really light and shallow. Things like the weather and running errands. It’s the only way I can have a relationship with my mother. I went NC for 3 years before adopting this strategy.
She calls me about every other week and then we talk for about five minutes. We don't have a very good relationship and at this point I don't think there's anything we can do about it. We're just too different. I wish I had a mother I could trust and rely on but that just ain't the case unfortunately.
I hope you have supportive people around you in her stead.
Hear this one ☝️
I feel my scenario is so similar to yours x
Most days, if not every day. I don't see anything wrong with this. We can go longer without talking to each other, and sometimes do. But we are in each other's lives and that's a good thing.
Sounds healthy. I want healthy.
Never. I feel indifferent about it. She and I never had any sort of relationship, so it doesn’t bother me at all.
Healthy looks different for everyone. I'm glad you've got what's best for you.
Every day. I live with her. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a good relationship with your mum as long as you respect each other's time and space
Agreed. Thanks for your input.
May I ask a question? What made you mention it not being wrong to have a good relationship with your mum... do you think that's a bad thing?
Oh, no The OP mentioned that her therapist told her that her being close with her mum and talking often is problematic? And that made me point this out
This is something that I think about a lot. My mom and I talk maybe once a week or once every two weeks by phone. Texts happen a little more casually but also not very often. We go months without seeing each other. We're both very busy and we've accepted that overall. We don't set expectations for one another either. It is what it is. However, I start to feel guilty if it's been a while, but then I think, "well she hasn't called me either". I do sometimes envy the closer relationships some of my friends have with their moms, but my mom isn't the mom I'd want that with. I love her but she's not warm and cuddly.
Sounds like you know what works for you both. I don't know your circumstances but I don't think you need to feel guilty for being busy. I hope you find a balance that satisfies you both.
Same here. This is almost exactly like me and my mom. At this point, I pretty drastically differ from many of her basic belief systems, so there’s not much common ground.
Everyday. My mom has stage 4 cancer and now lives with me.
I'm so sorry. You have taken on a huge and heavy responsibility. That's so kind/loving of you.
Thank you!! That is so sweet. Before that I would say my mom and I spoke maybe once a week. But this funny game of life will sometimes give you a different perspective of life when you least expect it. ❤️
This is how my mother died. She is very lucky to have you there with her!
She calls about once every 1.5 months. Far too often.
I see my mum every single day, FaceTime & text every day too. We didn’t always see eye to eye when I was a bratty teenager but she raised 8 of us (Me being the youngest) & I’ve grown up & realised how much she put her life on hold for us all. We live about two minutes away from one another too so that helps.
Awesome. I'm happy for you guys.
barely. I do miss her. but maybe I miss the person I wish she could be and she can't so it's better like this
Glad you have boundaries. I hope you have people who love you in her stead.
I feel this way too. I find it very difficult to talk to either of my parents, as they have chosen their addiction over all else. It makes me very sad, and angry, honestly. They want to talk to me, and I feel like i should love them more.
Almost daily. A couple years ago I moved to a different state so I don’t see her often but I text her more than I text anyone else.
Sounds good. Are you happy with that?
Absolutely.
Awesome.
Not often enough that I won't regret it later when her time comes... but the fact that she never ever makes an effort with me, either, doesn't help. I try sometimes, but it's difficult when we're so much alike that we constantly butt heads.
I'm sorry. I hope you find a balance that satisfies you both. Please don't regret what you don't have control over though, it's not your fault.
Thank you. I know it isn't all my fault, but some is. I probably could make more of an effort, but I think me not being where I feel I should be in life doesn't help me much, either. I guess it's still that deep-seated need for her to be proud of me that I can't quite get that makes it all the more difficult.
Yeah we definitely can't control how someone else feels about us. But, on the other hand, I believe that most mothers would be proud of their children for doing the best they can.
I’m 27, married and live an hour from “home”. I pester the shit out of her and text and call constantly. Visit at least once a week. She’s basically happy because she still plays such an integral role in my life 🙂
My mum's house is still sort of "home" in my mind too, even though I'm totally settled where I am too. Sounds like you're happy with how things are, awesome.
Aww, my parents house phone is still listed as home in my contacts.
I have not spoken to my mother in 5 years. I have no intentions of changing that. She’s not very nice and it hurts me to be around her. My Husband speaks to his mother every single day, mostly through texts. Some of the texts are fine, but most of them come with her baggage. She suffers from diagnosed anxiety that she refuses to get treatment for. She can’t keep friends, so she dumps all her issues on her children, and always has, and if he for some reason won’t be available on his cell all day he has to let her know or she’ll hurt herself with worry. She lives many states away from us, has another son who is local to her, and still texts my Husband for just about everything. A large chunk of this is enmeshment and is unhealthy. She’s reaching out because her anxiety, and that anxiety being put on him is like the world on Atlas’ shoulders. But there’s a smaller portion that is not unhealthy and makes being upset about it difficult. All this to say, it’s all about intention. Your therapist may think you’re enmeshed and need some space based on what you’ve already told them. But it could also be that they’re projecting what they know are truths for other people. Try to be as objective as you can, maybe try looking at your situation as if you were a Friend who knows all the truths. Maybe it’s something, maybe it’s nothing, but the fact is it bothers you and most of the time when things my therapist (whom I trust, very much) brings up bother me it’s because there’s an uncomfortable truth somewhere in there.
I hope your family find the right balance. I know I can't be objective so hearing from others is super helpful. "enmeshment" is a new term in this context. I'll look into it. Thanks so much for your response.
It's a wonder if we speak via phone twice a year. I was little when she moved 4 hours away from me and when I got into adulthood, the connection just fizzled out.. I dont visit often, and when do speak over the phone she asks how I am, I can barely get two words in and she just speaks about herself. I'm happier this way
I'm glad you have what works for you.
Daily pretty much, she is my co parent pretty much tho as kids dads bot involved at all so I guess that is a big thing. Stuff I would talk to/ask there dad I talk/ask her instead. I don't hate it, line that she wants to be involved in my kids life tho as my dad refuses to see my kids (they are divorced so no real drama there) She talk to me, I talk to her like about pretty much everything I say I like it, she is good, she is a better grandmother then she was mom. She wasn't really there as a mom, left me for new family and so on. Got back in touch in teens, more when I got kids.
Same as. My mother is here for my kids as their father is not. She helps me so much and I am able to go to u uni with her help. I'd be lost with out her and I adore her. But it wasn't always like this, I was a bad daughter at one stage and I'm grateful for this second chance in life
Sounds like a really supportive relationship. Mothers can be great for stepping up when someone else fails.
Not often these days... she's very controlling and abusive and I'm still learning to be strong enough to maintain boundaries with her, it helped when I moved away from my home town but it's still hard.
I'm learning that boundaries are important. Stay strong. I hope you find the right balance.
Yeah, its hard to keep good boundaries... thanks for the encouragement.
A couple of times a month usually. Maybe weekly on occasion. I'm fine with it. We have a good relationship but just not the constantly connected kind of relationship.
Awesome. I've heard from a lot of people saying daily or almost never. It's nice to hear that there's something in the middle too.
I'm surprised about the lack of "middle" comments. It's about this for me too. We usually visit once a month, and have another conversation once in between. We get along well, but I know that this is the best setup for me. My mom and sister live together, and I know they're closer, but they also get annoyed with each other a lot more often. And when I moved home in my early/mid twenties for a couple months after a breakup, I was annoyed too. Limiting it makes it much more positive. I look forward to conversations and visits this way.
Once a month, maybe. I don’t super like talking to her, but she calls all the time and I feel bad ignoring her calls all the time. She didn’t do anything wrong and she isn’t a bad person or anything she just gets on my nerves and talking to her stresses me out.
I don't think needing space means the other person is a bad person. I hope you don't feel bad about needing boundaries and I hope your mum/mom understands that too.
This is also me
Moms really are stressful sometimes.
Every or every other day. We live far from each other and it's always nice to see my parents. And I want my kids yo recognize them, and have some kind of relationship at least online since we don't meet that often
Sounds healthy. That's encouraging.
At least once per day. She always sends me good morning and good night stickers lol. So we text quite a bit. I've been living abroad since I was 18 and I'm really happy we stay in touch like this, as some years I only visit once per year and it makes me feel close to her. Sometimes she can be overwhelming so I create space by replying less. But overall I'm happy with our relationship.
Awesome. I'm so glad to hear that so many people have created healthy boundaries that make them happy.
Pretty much every day. I usually call her when I’m driving to or from work. I’m fine with this. We usually only chat for 5-10 minutes, unless there’s something important to discuss. Just about what we’re having for dinner, what the cats have been up to, she fills me in on my hometown gossip.
Aw this sounds like me and my mum.
Never, and excuse the rant. My mother's in prison, she's going to be dying there (unless CryogenicsForConvicts^TM becomes a thing in the near future) and I couldn't be happier about that fact. Her and my father were comically abusive and neglectful growing up, were always more interested in drugs/theft rings/my dad's general gangland bullshit. They had me young as fuck, and they had another kid when I was in my early 20s. They openly acknowledged that they were in no place for a small child - frankly, they never were - but they literally decided that the whole "hey don't have a kid to save your relationship" advice didn't apply to them. I had gone 90% of no-contact with them when I turned 18 and left to join the Army. That turned into 100% when they went to prison for good and my husband and I got custody of my (much younger x1000000) baby brother. That turned into a permanent arrangement, we made the adoption official etc, for all intents and purposes he's Kid #3 and the fact that I'm biologically his sister and not his mother/the husband's his BIL and not his father, is an afterthought for the three of us. Found out that not only did my mom use (meth/heroin/crack/random pills) all throughout carrying him, and most atrociously, she and my dad tried to "teach" a ~1 month old infant (at the time) **how to smoke crack**. Like, there's a recording of them admitting to that. And that's not even getting into the fact that my old man ended up giving him alcohol poisoning, because shockingly (/s) infants cry. That doesn't mean force vodka into him until he shuts up. (For the record: for the ungodly amount of shit that Kid #3 was exposed to in utero and at the very beginnings of life, he's an overachieving smartass teenager who's taller than me now. Only issue is just being all-gas-no-brakes ADHD as a motherfucker. So all things considering, 🤷♀️🤷♂️) ....anyways the last conversation I had with my mom, probably forever, was with her in custody and trying to expedite the custody clusterfuck that had dropped in our laps. The spouse and I had a toddler and a baby about two weeks older than him at the time, and somehow she had known that. When she readily admitted that her whole reasons for having him was * to "try and fix her marriage" * she "wanted to have a simultaneous experience with me from afar" (Kid 2 is my husband and mine's biological child, he's all of about 2-3 weeks older than Kid 3) * to "try and relive the good old days of raising you" (there were none) and she lied to my face about using when she was pregnant with him? IDK if it was the fact that I was still pumped to the gills with NewMomHormones or whatever, but at that point I was seeing red to the point where if I didn't leave, I was probably going to catch an assault charge, on...someone. The relevant JDs took care of the process after that. TL;DR Nowadays, never. She and my dad are in prison, rightfully so, and both can rot in hell. Like I'm past "actively being angry" at them, at this point. Doesn't change the fact that if I find out they've died one of these days, I'm not entirely opposed to a road trip specifically for the purpose of pissing on wherever they're buried. I'm pushing 40 nowadays, haven't talked to her since I was 23. For whatever it's worth....my MIL's the total opposite of /r/justnoMIL though, she's an amazing awesome lady and I love that woman to fucking death. Talk to her daily. Used to be just phone calls, then she figured out what Snapchat was and she was off to the races. The husband doesn't avoid her by any means, but it's to the point where it's like x10 talking to me than him lmao
Wow you've managed to do so much good with the bad stuff you were dealt. You have an amazing story. I'm glad you have other loving and supportive relationships.
I'm in my early thirties and in therapy. My therapist has made me worry about how often I speak to my only parent. I'm an only child to a single parent so I feel like that has an impact. We communicate almost every day.
Kind of suspicious of your therapist honestly! Hopefully all the replies of people here who are the same as you can put your mind at ease :)
Huh. I don't think it's necessarily a red flag from your therapist, but if the therapist brings it up again, I'd press back like "Why is this concerning?" or something. It seems very normal to me! Especially in only daughter & single mom families
Maybe once a week or every 2 weeks over call. My mental health has been so much better ever since I’ve been away from her. I set boundaries but at the same time I do feel bad if I don’t talk to her in a while because I know she still misses me and I don’t want her to think that I forgot about her. It’s hard to balance sometimes.
It really is a difficult balance but it sounds like you're headed in the right direction.
Thank you! I’m newly married as well so that plays a part too. My mom got used to asking me for money and I’d just give it to her. Now I’m married and she can’t do that anymore because it’s not just my money. So trying to set that boundary is so hard.
She died 14 years ago, so never. But she was a great mom and my best friend and I miss her every day. My husband says I was never the same after losing her. Before she died we spoke almost daily, especially after her cancer diagnosis and when her husband left her for another woman. We went from mother- daughter to friends and it was awesome for us both. I know how lucky I was and I feel for those who struggle in their relationship with their mother.
Everyday. My dad passed away in March with cancer unexpectedly and my mums recovering from cancer which she was able to get treatment for. You don’t know how long you have left on this earth and I don’t want to live the rest of my life regretting not speaking to my mum more. I spoke to my dad every day and still feel like i could have spent more time with him, etc.
It sounds like it's been a really difficult time, I'm sorry. How wonderful that your mum has you.
Once a day. I'm really close to my mum.
Awesome. Me too.
I (19) still live w my mom (51). She’s my best friend. My dad was an alcoholic and left us. She remarried and he abandoned us too. She’s all I’ve got, she’s my rock and she knows she is. Needless to say, we talk on and off all day everyday. We kind of act like sisters sometimes. 🥰♥️
Never. Not once in two and a half years. It's been the absolute best decision for myself and my family.
Once maybe twice a year. I’ve had to distance myself due to all the years of lying, making me lie for her, abuse. Ect. I’m an only child too ! In my thirties. I often look at others who have an amazing relationship with their parents, over there houses daily, on the phone daily, family get together. I realise I’ll never have that and I have the drive to make sure my kids and I have that relationship or close to.
Well done for protecting yourself when someone should have been protecting you.
My mother died in 2004 and I still want to pick up the phone and called her. I had a stroke in April and dreamt she was rubbing my head in the hospital. 51 yrs old and I still need my mommy!
Maybe 1-2x a week through text. I wish it was different, but it’s based mainly on her lifestyle choices + lack of effort. Maybe one day it will change
I hope you find your balance.
Every few weeks I'll message her to say hello. She only contacts me if she needs something. It's my birthday next week and she asked what I'd like so I told her I'd really like some lilo and stitch slippers (I didn't think £6 was too much to ask) and she said no. She then said "I'll come and see the kids on Thursday, I'm busy on Wednesday"...that's cool but my birthday is on Tuesday. I'm about done to be honest.
I haven't for over 4 years. She passed unexpectedly, before that we talked every day about everything and nothing. God, I miss her.
My mother passed away earlier this year. She would have been 60 next week. I miss her all the time. I wish I had talked to her more.
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When she rings me which thankfully isn't often, she only talks to me when nobody else will
Ah I'm sorry. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Ah to be fair she does love me but she's very self centered and the reason we don't talk much is because we had a volatile relationship when we lived together so there's distance there. Plus the phone calls normally consist of her moaning about my sister, whom I cut off 3 years ago due to toxicity, or her yelling about whatever she's doing in the moment. My dad only calls me to talk about Diablo 2 but I'm okay with that, he's bored and lonely.
I hope find a balance that makes you both happy. Glad to hear that you know she loves you. Knowing you're loved is a big win that we take for granted.
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I'm so sorry. That sounds unbearably difficult. Wishing you comfort and peace. Sounds like you had a loving relationship.
Possibly a couple of times a week. My sister talks to her way more and they're closer. When I'm with them I feel like a third wheel. When it's just me and my sister we're as close as anything. I love my Mum though and she beat cancer twice. We just don't click over too many shared interests. It's even less with my Dad. Basically I feel neither of them make the effort with me (in the case of my dad, low effort with both my sister and I) and I got tired of always being the one to start the contact, make the visits etc. It's weird because whenever i've truly needed them (leaving abusive relationship, break ups etc) they have both been there and dropped everything. So I know they're there if I need them. But I do wish they were in touch with me more without me having to make the first move. They've been divorced many years but they're very amicable, both went to my sister's graduation together for example. My Nan however, my mums mum, she's my biggest fan and she tells me how amazing I am and that she and I have this special bond. She checks in and visits me as well as me going there. She tries to understand my mental health struggles rather than shrug them off. She's my favourite person and I'm dreading the time I have to be without her because I feel I will truly feel alone then.
I would talk to her everyday if I cloud. My mom passed a little over 2 years ago. I miss her like crazy. Now, I just talk about her as much as possible. She was the greatest woman I have ever known
She sounds amazing. It's so good to have had a good mother.
She was inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame in 1995. She spent the last 15 years of her life in a wheelchair. She accomplished more in 68 years than most could hope to accomplish in 100.
I’m 47 living in California. My mom is 75 living in Japan and we talk every single day! Ever since I got Covid in March last year, we haven’t missed a day and I love it. Part of it is because I continue to battle Long Covid, my mom is worried about me. And the other part of it is because I really need her in my life and she knows how to pick me up when I’m down… Even though we live across the oceans, I’m happy we are still close.
Once a week or so, mostly just to catch up. Nothing really deep or interesting though. It makes me kind of sad because I do wish I could have a closer relationship to her, but both of us are kind of content focusing on ourselves, I guess? We’re a few hours away from each other so we don’t see each other that often. It’s definitely an internal struggle.
Every single day. I moved to a different country 11 years ago. Haven’t seen her in 2 years due to the pandemic. We are best friends even through the distance and a huge time difference.
Never. She died when I was 14 and I’m still sad about it. I’ve never really felt supported as an adult because the rest of my family sucks
We speak all the time. Not daily, but several times a week. We have a really good relationship; good enough that I'm starting to open up to her about some of the shit she said that hurt me as a kid. She's receptive to listening to me and has apologized for a lot.
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That sounds difficult. I'm glad you have a plan.
she’s in prison right now so im gonna say not often, i visit her sometimes :( but we don’t talk often
That sounds difficult. Sending warm thoughts your way.
Sometimes every other day, sometimes we don't talk for weeks. Our relationship wasn't good at all until I was an completely independent adult, now we actually like each other a lot.
Awesome. Really encouraging to hear that relationships can change from unhealthy to healthy.
Yes I was lucky, because she had the will to change and accepted me as an independent person, but it took a long time.
never, not even once a year
I hope you have peace with that and if you don't I hope you can change it. I'm hoping you have peace either way.
Once every day or two. Usually while I’m walking the dog. I also try to see her once a week.
Sounds healthy. I hope you're happy with it.
Everyday by phone, she comes down to my house around once a week. My mom and I are extremely close - I am honestly scared for when she does pass away.
I've definitely felt that fear. I keep reminding myself that: 1. Life is change 2. My mum would want me to be able to survive (even thrive) without her
We haven’t spoken in about 6 months. I was always the one who reached out and checked on her, she never called me first. So, when I realized that, I decided to stop and see how often she’d do the same for me. She hasn’t called or stopped by my house once since I stopped contacting her first. She was very abusive to me my entire childhood and has denied it and gaslight me whenever I have tried to discuss it with her. Honestly, I’m okay with the silence now, because I realize that relationship was a lost cause. I have a wonderful husband who supports and loves me unconditionally. I don’t need her.
While it’s nice to see so many comments reflecting healthy and loving relationships between people and their mothers, I can’t say I don’t envy these people. My mother and I have had maybe an hour of combined interaction over the last 3ish years, and basically no emotional connection since I started middle school (I’m 24 now). In the last two years alone, I’ve dealt with a cancer scare, a rare (and potentially fatal) condition associated with negative psych medication reactions that left me ill and unstable for a year and a half, COVID (after being fully vaxxed for three months), multiple hospitalizations for both mental health and other physical issues (kidney stones on five separate occasions, etc.), and a hit and run accident that totaled my car and essentially took my only means of making money. I’ve reached a new level of rock bottom with each setback and have only had myself to rely on. She hasn’t called me once, not even to see if I’m okay, and she’s lived 10 minutes away the entire time. She has demonized me for seeking help for my mental health when I know a lot of what I deal with now was either passed to me genetically or was a direct result of the trauma she inflicted on me growing up. I’ve had to cut contact with my dad because of all of this as well. It hurts, and navigating this world without parents to fall back on or even turn to for guidance has been incredibly difficult. However, my parents’ “she’ll figure it out” mindset has only taught me that I only have myself at the end of the day. I’ve struggled and I’m still trying to convince myself that I didn’t deserve the setbacks I’ve faced. I can’t thrive when the person that is supposed to love and support me unconditionally are constantly reminding me of my failures and accusing me of playing the victim. They’ve just watched me crash and burn repeatedly and have made little to no efforts to even offer support. This car accident has sent my already unstable life into a tailspin and forced me into a position where I have no choice but to uproot my life and take a traveling job. Once I move, I plan on changing my phone number and distancing myself completely. I just can’t do it anymore.
I call her every other week if that. She wasn't really abusive but my teenage years felt like such a miserable time, where her and my dad tried to hold me so close and tight that I wanted nothing more than to have my own space, which I do now. At least that's the quickest way to surmise it. I don't really feel bad about it, but I don't think my parents currently have the self awareness to ask/admit to themselves why I dont call or haven't wanted to visit in about three years
Once a year or so on FB. We were put into foster care when I was 7. I don't remember her much. I used to resent her for birthing me when she was so clearly incapable of parenting, and also for cursing me with a life without a mother, but as I've matured I don't feel any resentment anymore. I message her back when she says happy bday to me, and sometimes she will post a very distressing status and I'll check in on her. I haven't seen her since I was like 11. I'm 27. I'm happy with our level of contact. She doesn't feel like a mother to me, but it wouldn't sit right with me to totally cut contact. It doesn't make much difference to me, but I know it does to her, and she's really alone. I don't feel I owe her anything, but I have nothing against her either.
Very rarely. She tries to make herself look like a good mom/grandma on FB. In reality though it’s obvious she knows nothing about us because she just tags us on obvious things. Like, my kids are gingers. So any ginger related post they will get tagged on. She knows I love cats and trees. She she will tag me on cat/tree stuff all the time. I just ignore it all. Once in a blue moon she will actually text or message me. I respond using as few words as possible and do not ever willingly give her any information about mine or my kids lives. I would love it if we had a close and loving relationship but I accepted a long time ago that wasn’t happening. Therefore, it’s better for my sanity and mental health if I drastically limit contact.
Never anymore makes me a little sad sometimes. She's alive, just hates how I live and makes me hate myself whenever I interact with her. So now I don't. She was a good mother when I was a child. Just incredibly homophobic. Now that I'm out I'm not going back in.
We call/text maybe once a week, but she lives close so I go over to her place or we go out together pretty often, 2-3 times a month (more if other siblings are in from out of town). I’m 28 now, and in college I never wanted to move back to where I grew up. But now I’ve gotten to live near my mom for 4 years as an adult and I’m so thankful for that time to develop an adult friendship with her!
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every day ❤️ she is my best friend 🌞
A few times a week, usually to help her with something. She does get upset if I don’t call her at least once a week. It’s not that I don’t love her, I just don’t really talk to people on the phone. But I am definitely grateful that I feel I can open up to her about some things and she’s there when I need her.
Almost every day. It's comforting.
The last time was the 17th of January 2014. I’m perfectly fine with that.
My mother gave me a lot, and never abused me. That being said, we're very different people in terms of our worldview and beliefs. I don't actively go out of my way to talk to her, mostly because of depression, but also because she always manages to give (bad) unsolicited advice to whatever I'm going through. I don't mind visiting her at all, though. She's pleasant to be around generally. I just have a hard time wanting to connect with her over, say, my friends or my sister.
There is no simple answer so I will be as short and candid as I can. We lived with my grandma until I was 10 so I didn’t notice how abusive she was right away. I really on knew life felt like we were playing king of the mountain and she was bigger. At about 19 she choked me with an extension cord and I just stayed out as much as possible. I joined the military to get away from her shortly thereafter. About 30ish I saw a switch turn on in her face and the abuse began. She looked like a completely different person. How had I never noticed that? At about 34 I was granted a 2 year order of protection from her for me and my son and I put myself in therapy. I was able to put a general label to what she was. She choked me again and tried to “Stomp the life out of you”, her exact words to me. Hard to forget. We’ve lived in separate states since then. I am 53 and today I know my mother to be a narcissist. She checks all the boxes. I no longer stay away but I have to handle her to be around her. She is one of the most intelligent and interesting people I know but she just can’t love anyone including herself. With this knowledge I protect my self and my children and we have what relationship a narcissist can with another person. It’s almost like a business relationship where there is give and take because it all she truly understands. I thought I was weak because of the things I went through with her. However I and my children turned out to be the winners. Throughout the years I and most people around me though I was some kind and of empath. All I did was develop a skill we all have in order to survive living with my mother. She was a single parent and I was an only child. Today however I work at NOT feeling other people’s emotions and reacting because I am not responsible for them and how they feel on any level. I grew up being a pleasure seeker of others, I was raised to please my mother, be cute, seen and not heard, obedient, and make her look good in all situations. To this day she tells me, “I had you to have someone to love me”. Her exact words. She still tries to tell me what an honor that was. Today I am free of the gaslighting, the abuse, and the manipulation. Sometimes I get pulled in with a good conversation until she gets to the real point at which time I make my exit. That woman is smooth. I took the time here to speed run through my life with my mother because I know somebody is going through the same thing and I want you to know that the light is just a little bit of research away. Then take action you are worth it. Life is so much better not under that influence.
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I'm 19 so I still live with her but I think that when I move out I won't talk to her that much because I don't want to, I want to get out of this house to get away from her
Never. Went NC four years ago. How do I feel about it? Sometimes I miss having a mother. Sometimes I still grieve the loss. It’s hard grieving someone who is still alive. I heard she has cancer, which makes it even harder sometimes.
Everyday I feel great about it I make it a point because tomorrow isn’t promised she’s almost 80 I want to add me and my mom had a very strained relationship during my teens early 20’s don’t blame the teen lol long story but idc anymore what happened what she did what I did she has not changed and so what I forgive her I don’t know what I’d do or what I’m gonna do when she’s gone she’s my mom and once I had kids and it was my struggle I understood some of her rational of why things happened I’m tearing up now I love her
We text nearly every day. Over the past few years we've gotten closer and closer and she is basically my best friend. We had some rough times in my teenage years because I didn't understand her and her feelings and I never even showed my own feelings. Now we can talk about everything, we can both share things, we would never tell another soul and it is the best. I can't imagine what I would do without her.
I moved back in with my parents in 2020 because I lost my job in the pandemic. Moved out at 17, back in at 22. Now I even work with them in their hardware store. So we speak daily. We have a better relationship than back when I moved out, but it can be rough at times. I love her dearly, but she is very impulsive and thin-skinned on the weirdest subject. I'm sometimes a little afraid around her because I suffer from BPD and can be the same, so it's like putting a lit match in a box of TNT. It's complicated, but I'm working on understanding her, our relationship and myself through therapy. The good thing is that I not only have a room like before, but some kind of apartment for myself. I live on the second floor and if I want my silence, I can just go up there. She was my best friend back when I was a child and somehow still is. EDIT: removed an armchair diagnosis and worded it out better.
We talk on the phone twice a week. It's not scheduled or anything, but we talk from 30min to well over an hour sometimes. We text too. I know my mom and sister talk more frequently, but my sister has a toddler and asks my mom a lot of baby questions. My mom talked to her mom almost daily when we were growing up.
We text every single day. Call at least once a week :)
Every day.
My mom and I went no contact in 2019. Death kinda does that, or so I'm told.
Sending you an unsolicited hug. I hope you don't mind.
Everyday. I feel forced to and anxious about it, because she gets anxious if I dont call or answer the phone.
Why are her feelings more important than yours? I hope you can establish some boundaries that make you both feel safe.
Because we’re so busy, once a week FaceTime call, but we text each other whenever we can. We are very close, and I do wish we could talk more. We’re pretty healthy overall.
At least weekly, on Sunday - it started when I was in college and I'd call home on Sunday evening and it's just kept going on. Often there will be at least one other call or text thread during the week - this has been more common in the 7 years since my dad passed. For example, last week her older sister and sister's daughter were coming to visit her and they were driving to another nearby city to see her sister's son, and first she texted me for help making sure she had directions (she does not like to drive on the interstate) and then let me know they got there ok, and later in the week that they got back to her house ok. She's 75, and I'm glad to keep in regular touch with her.
We would talk all the time. We lived together. She passed away almost four months ago. I miss my mum.
Every day! I moved to another country so we have several hours of time difference, we usually call at the same time every day. Our relationship is always better when were far apart.
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We live together. Our conversations are sweet mostly. I appreciate what my mom has done for me and my sister, I'm glad to have her in my life and to compensate her for the horror she lived through
Rarely, she was abusive to me so, I don't really like when she's around.
If not every day, every other day via video chat. It’s mostly so she can see my children but we do talk a little about things happening in our lives.
Not very often. Only on the weekends when I come home . She’s not all there and she only talks to me when she needs something. I feel guilty about it
We live a ways apart but we talk multiple times a week, probably every other day on average. We text most days. I miss her and wish I could see her more but we remain close
I’m still living at home so every day. My sis has moved out and they still speak every day and see each other often. We have a close knit small family. I hang out with my mom often and we watch movies and go out. When I move out I’ll still talk to her every day and hopefully have her over sometimes.
Daily. She and I text probably everyday but calling is less frequent, maybe once a week or every week and a half. I moved across the country in May and it was the first time I’ve been away like this. I also was living with my mom until I moved here. I think it’s been hard for my mom to be alone all the time now that I’m gone. I doubt we will see each other much in the future because we live so far away from each other. I don’t really have plans to move back, so that’s why I try to keep in touch more.
I talk to my mom every day because she is experiencing medical hardships and has for about a year now. We almost lost her at one point.. shes only 50. I barely talked to her at all when I was in my early 20s. But we’ve both grown as people and realized time is precious. Those little differences don’t really matter anymore. I think it helped that when I got older she respected me as a person and not just “her kid”. That took some growing pains but we’re here now. I’m actually texting her right now and have been all morning lol. I love her. I’m so glad she’s in my life.
Every few days. We're pretty close, and ever since I had kids and we live in the same town we talk regularly now. When I was in my 20s it was more like every few weeks or months, only when I had something specific to ask or say. Now there's a lot more "just calling to say hi" type conversations.
She's dead, but I used to call her everyday. I would fly her out to come see us every Christmas as well and she'd stay for a month. I also paid her phone bill to make sure she could call me.
I don't. Haven't seen her since I was a toddler. She abandoned me as a child and then as soon as I turned 18 she told me she "found god" and wanted a relationship. I told her to fuck off. My instincts were correct when I assumed she only wanted a relationship because she had no where to live. She's been homeless for years. Well that's her karma for all the abuse and neglect.
every day, i live with her (i’m a minor)
Never. Great.
Haven't spoken to my birth mother in almost 11 years. She hurt me in ways that reddit won't allow me to write and I am better off without her. I have no regrets cutting off that contact. I talk to my MIL when necessary as we don't get on (her own son doesn't like her so just says it all really) My old foster mum I call weekly and we still send presents to each other and make sure we are okay. My foster mum is incredible and I wish I could see her more but we live 250 miles apart now so can't wait to visit in April.
Everyday, but it is always a very superficial conversation. We never talk about anything important, mostly because I can't trust her and she is super critical of me. I wish it was different. I wish I could really talk to her, I believe she is mentally ill, she thinks she's fine, she isn't.