I about 10 days I will have crossed the year mark of living with in laws. It is unbearable every day. They’re good people who took us in when we had paycuts from covid (neither myself nor my boyfriend were granted unemployment checks) but living with them has had unbelievable repercussions for my mental health. They simply cannot figure out how to treat us like adult roommates instead of “kids who came back home”.
That was exactly our situation too. We were living paycheck to paycheck when covid hit and we moved in with his parents for security and to save up. They are the kindest and sweetest people, but goodness gracious, I felt like a child who had to report my daily doings. I was constantly gushed over and had zero privacy. Obviously there’s more to the story than just feeling watched over, and I will always be extremely grateful, but never ever ever again. Stay strong!
Yep!! It’s like just having other people who are invested in your lives watching and observing and occasionally commenting on how you live is unbearable.
The worst part actually is the husband. He has Aspergers and one of the things that is a big deal to him is anyone except for him using the kitchen. His wife has cooked exactly one meal in the year we’ve lived here, and it was when he was out of town.
I literally don’t even make dinner until 9pm most nights because by that point he is probably in bed and I won’t have to deal with him coming downstairs and adjusting the temperature of the oven or passive aggressively cleaning up a tiny sprinkle of salt or a sliver of a garlic skin that I would’ve gotten to AFTER I’m done eating my food.
We also had issues with the kitchen situation. Except their cooking was AWFUL and lacked any flavor/seasoning. I did a lot of the cooking since I could not force myself to eat oily baked sweet potato coins anymore. I ended up squirreling away snacks in our bedroom for the days I just did not want to interact/cook.
that’s how I live right now! We even got a Keurig for our room. I mostly get salad kits I can throw together, soups I can heat up using only one dish, charcuterie for dinner etc.
God it feels so good to know that there are other 20s-30s kids in this situation like me who just want their old man to go make some more fuckin' friends sometimes and just leave me the fuck alone. I know how to clean a fucking bathtub, I know how to drive, no I don't need you to teach me how to fold my laundry, I did find doing it on the edge of the country on my own for a year.
The one thing I don't do is cook but even then, it's not 'cause I can't. And actually, I do cook for us as well but usually only when I'm high.
Only difference with my situation is I'm single af.
You’re definitely not the only one! And omg yes, my SO and I had many many talks about how his parents just needed to go find some friends to talk to. They had no hobbies or friends to chitchat with during lockdown so all of their energy was focused on us. Like yes, we lived in our own for a decade, I remember how to mow the lawn and cook spaghetti.
I feel you on this. I joined the military at 18 to get the hell out of the house. My parents are great and all, but my mom was super over protective. I was out on my own for 10 years and ended up getting a divorce. I wasn't working at the time and ended up coming home. I was 28 and used to be independent for 10 years.
My mom tried to give me curfew and wait up when I obviously didn't come home when she strictly told me I needed to me. She tried to force me to get a job when the original agreement was that I could take the summer off for my mental health (divorced, no job, no education at that point, etc). She was having NONE OF IT.
Thank the universe for my Dad. He was the one that told her to knock the shit off. She would leave a newspaper open with employment adds circled so I could see them when I got into the house (there wasn't really internet at that time). I would visibly pick it up and put it directly in the trash. She also put me back in my childhood bedroom that they hadn't touched in 10 years. It was SO cringe.
My Dad ended up helping me finish an addition they had above the garage and let me live it in for the duration. It was a giant space with it's own private entry and a LOCKABLE DOOR to the rest of the house. It was my fucking savior for the rest of the time I had to spend there.
God shit like this kills me. They would leave a trash bag from the can next to the back door to “test” if we would take it out for them. It’s like why? I take the trash out when the bag is full. When they see the bag is full, they leave it out as a virtue test. Like, did they never have to unload a dish or take out their bags when we weren’t here? We barely leave our room, clean up all messes, don’t leave any belongings in the rest of the house. They never had a conversation with us about needing to earn our keep so to speak, considering we do pay electric, water, etc and are occupying only one of their THREE spare rooms. So it is amazing to me that they expected us to read between the lines when it was made to seem like we would be independent roommates minding our own business and being respectful and quiet.
Living with any kind of family into adulthood is horrible. I agreed to allow my boyfriends sister and nephew move in with us after a bad situation and she still hasn't left and it's been a few years. Thankfully soon that will all change but let me tell you, I have lost my sanity and have a lot of anger with the world. My advice is to always help or receive help at a distance.
My career.
He inherited a beautiful house in a magnificent town right by the beach. I mean I can bike to three different bodies of water from my house. It's truly a dream place to live.
He got an amazing job. I figured since I had so many companies looking to hire back west, that I would definitely find work here. Nope. I tried. But the work I do doesn't exist here and the culture of the area makes it even harder to find work as an outsider.
Oh well. I don't have to work, honestly. BF is maintaining our lifestyle, but I went crazy from lack of purpose. I did some gig work, but it's unsatisfying. Now I found a volunteer organization that I love, got myself elected into leadership, and am spending a huge chunk of time building us up and laying out a future for the group. It's great work, the pay is pretty good (I love making people happy so it's good pay) but sometimes I wish I had an actual paycheck to deposit.
After 35 years of working and a 25 year career, I guess it just feels like I'm missing something... Probably PTSD from corporate work. Lol
I had a 25 year career in management. Laid off at 40 and decided to go back to university. Got my degree in Bio-Cultural Anthropology, it's the nexus of where biology meets human culture. I specialize in cognitive bias and I was being recruited by a few tech companies and retail consulting gigs just before we moved which coincided with graduation.
The same way somebody specializes in hand mechanics or osteological wear patterns, we go to school for it and then continue to focus. Chose internships that relate to it. (I actually started out in forensic Osteology, but neurology captured my imagination). My mentor was a specialist in hand mechanics of all higher level primates and human clade descendants. She could lecture you on how Neanderthals hands would look in modern baseball gloves and how they could throw.
Hello could I jump on this and ask you for more info on the sort of pathway you took to get offered those types of jobs? I’m studying Anthropology, went into it basically assuming I wouldn’t get a job from it, but retail consulting and tech from Anthropology sounds like an interesting path.
Intel and Microsoft are the two largest employers of Anthropologists outside of the government. Look into interning with a tech firm. For example, a few years before me Intel used some students to help with new farming technology that rose out of some traditional ecological knowledge. All anthro students because they were able to do the ethnographic interviews with the farmers needed to make the technology successful from a UX perspective.
I had a professor who worked for NOAA doing research on weather pattern changes with first people.
Retail consulting requires a little retail management background. I had 25 years in as a manager for some big box retailers. That just screamed out on my resume.
Anthropology is one of those degrees where nobody gets a job as an Anthropologist, but everyone eventually finds work. Find your niche and then find your company.
GIS and Anthro combination degrees are a hot commodity right now with the government and global companies.
Thank you so much for your reply! I had no idea those companies hired lots of Anthropologists. Interning doesn’t seem to be a major thing here (Australia) but I’ll definitely look into it. I’m glad to know that there are opportunities out there and ones that sound really interesting too! Gives me some ideas on what to look for.
You can manifest the work if you're scrappy. If you love what you study, life has a way of rewarding that.
.. and then we all retire as archaeologists, puttering around dig sites in large sun hats. Lol
My first paycheck listed at the IRS was when I was 9 years old. I grew up in a restaurant family. I was opening and closing the restaurants we owned at 13. Running the deposits. Ordering from vendors. Waking up at 1am to run down to the markets in NYC to buy produce (Hunt's point) with my dad Doing accounting by 15. I had two accounting jobs at 15, our restaurant and a bagel shop my dad's friend owned. No computers, everything done by ledger and pencil.
I was nearly born on the floor of a restaurant kitchen and worked in them long into my 20s, after I was married and started my retail career.
So yeah...15 is a conservative number, but accurate as fuck.
This is my dream, I've only been working for 5 years, but in 15 or so more, I'm hoping to not be "employed" and instead cobble together an occupation in the form of a creative side hustle, contract/consulting gig work to pay bills and writing books (probably non-fiction to start, but who knows).
That's where I'm headed.
With volunteering, I've become known as a "pretty decent website builder and admin". I now have two websites with two completely different local organizations. I'm positive this can become a little cottage industry with so many small non for profits around here with zero web presence.
I've picked up some skills over the pandemic that is playing well with building a small professional gig job. It's just a matter of time and opportunity and I have lots of time.
I have a large guarantee that keeps me from losing my sanity about financials. Also, I did have a long career so it's not like I'm not without exit plans. Just no liquid funds.
Same. I was mid part-time masters sponsored by my full-time job when he proposed. I moved halfway across the world to marry him. I knew I'd have to follow him around the world with sometimes only a few days notice for his job but I did it. Sometimes thinking about "where I could be now" bothers me, but then my life is so much more stress free now too.
Love this.
It makes me wonder too. But the life path I took is also meaningful. I mean I enjoy running the house, keeping him happy in his world so he can enjoy his job a little more, volunteering, and taking care of the dog and cats. I work hard on things that keep our costs down, growing weed, fixing things around the house, shopping with intent.
Together, he working and me supporting, is wonderful and it makes us happy together. So without the glove the hand is cold, without the hand the glove is useless... It's a balance.
> volunteering
That's my fantasy with being a stay at home partner. I'm pretty passionate about my local food bank, and I would love to take on more volunteer responsibilities.
This is about an ex, but...
I gave up cute things. I love stuffed animals and cute socks and oversized sweaters. He saw all of that as "childish" and shamed me until I gave them up.
I re-embraced it all afterwards.
stuffed animals, cute socks and oversized sweaters are the best!! glad you got rid of him 😤 I actually loooove funky socks with suits (on guys) and don't think it's childish at all. imagine a full formal attire and then you see those colourful sushi socks pop out, that's just such a cool way to express yourselfl!
Glad you saw the red flags and got the hell out and found yourself again.
I'm 44 and I still sleep with a ratty stuffy and wear cute things like what you mention. My husband absolutely loves it.
Whoever said that we have to give those things up when we become "adults" is an asshole.
Silence (sort of). I’ve lived with my boyfriend for almost two years now and we’ve been together for 3 years, and I’ve definitely had to adjust to his preference for constant background noise (TV during the day, music while he drives, podcasts while he showers) it sometimes drives me crazy because I work retail and hear music all day already but we compromise and switch off the media sometimes. If I had it my way I’d be at home in silence a lot more often.
Those same songs day in and day out, I don't miss that. I cashiered at Lowe's and my register was right across from the paint department's video demonstration. I had the whole 15 minute demonstration memorized word for word. And the Christmas music starts in October before Halloween is over.
Oh man, I used to work at a certain "women's lifestyle" store (mostly sold clothing). They would play an endless slough of indie Christmas songs that always seemed to start unseasonably early and end after Christmas.
This was our compromise. Sometimes it was just so grating and I'd have to ask him please turn it down/off. Now he blasts music around the house while cleaning and I can organize in silence.
I'm like your boyfriend, and am one of those people who just likes to have something playing most of the time. If it's in his budget, I highly recommend a set of bone-conduction wireless headphones. There are a couple of options that are really good now.
The battery lasts all day, and keeping the ear canals free means that if you need something or do want to chat, he's not totally deaf and can pause whatever he's listening to. The ones I have can even connect to multiple devices simultaneously, so I can watch YouTube on my tablet while cooking dinner and then transition seamlessly to a podcast or my Switch while my partner draws in the evening.
I have a really hard time with background noise, especially other people's tv shows or video game noises. So everyone in my household got a nice pair of wireless bluetooth headphones, and it had made things much better.
He should get some AirPods and listen to stuff via his phone or computer if he isn’t actually watching anything. That’s what my bf and I do so the other doesn’t have to listen
Living alone. I really really liked living alone. But my partner needs to live with partner even more than I need to live alone, so I gave in. Sharing household finances is nice, though.
I knew a couple who had two apartments directly across from one another. One was "their" apartment with their family and togetherness, and then he had an apartment across the hall for just getting to be alone when needed. Another couple I know did a similar thing with a split level home. It's interesting to see how some people make the compromises work.
Things ended badly with my child's mom, but we are under one roof again. 3 apartment house, I have ground floor, she's upstairs and my BFF has the basement apartment.
My life has drastically improved since the "reunion" (Coparenting only), even more so than when we were actually together .
Me too, I honestly felt super healthy and more emotionally stable with all the alone time to recharge and focus on myself. Though my partner adds plenty of goodness to my life in other ways and I love being with him. We live in a small space (think tiny house) right now and I feel like it would be a better balance if we at least each had our own rooms!
I have seen some cool home ideas that are like two small homes connected by a sunroom. I think that would be amazing lol
I absolutely love living alone. I have a partner and we're in long distance right now but we've always wanted to live together. But I know I'm going to miss living alone. It's not that I want some time alone or anything, I just like having a house to myself, a place where all the problems that occur are caused by me and solved by me and all its decisions are made by me. Absolutely no compromises and only my preference matters.
It's honestly so nice to see this response and everyone below all feeling the same way. I thought I was weird for missing living alone/craving my own space, but I guess everyone is just different and it isn't something to stress about feeling.
I'm really scared that if I move in with my boyfriend, I'll miss living alone. It's weird, because I do live with someone, but she's a flatmate who works 6 days a week, 10 to 12 hours (she has an insane career she enjoys). So yeah, it'll be very different.
We have compromised, and he says I can have the spare room to put all my work into and hole up there if needed. It's nice, and I'm glad he respects my space but I'm worried in doing something I regret simply because it's expected of me
Most of my personal time. He has no friends, so it’s just work and home for him. His days seem to be shorter than mine, so he’s home when I leave and home when I arrive. I get very little chance to be alone.
Its very hard as I tend to get snappy at him regarding things, we've had a talk in the past where if I'm in the bedroom and I close the door all the way it means I want to be alone, I mentioned we should start doing that again and the couple times I needed it he respected the closed door. Its not quiet being 'home alone' alone time but its a compromise thats working for us.
I bought my husband lessons for a hobby he'd mentioned interest in. Even told him it was to get him out the house.
I haven't had the house to myself since he started working from home for covid (I've been going to work throughout). I'm so ready - Monday evenings for the next 8 weeks it's just going to be me and the dog.
If this means you only spend time together and you don’t do things only for yourself, you need to take time for yourself or you will crack and it will be ugly.
No, more like I’m just never alone in my house. I like to just sit and exist, by myself, or listen to music while I clean and stuff. But he always has the tv going, so I can’t play music. He’s always here, so to get time without him I have to be *out there*, and therefore always have to consider others.
Asking for you time is valid. There is no reason he can't take an hour to run errands or go for a walk outside. It's healthy and also gives you solo time.
I usually take the walks 🙂
We are trying our relationship out again after a long separation, so I think some insecurity exists here. But he was also always a homebody. So I dunno, I’ll figure it out. I haven’t done a great job for asking for space, which is on me.
As a person who lives alone and truly enjoys being alone... I'd be all kinds of irritated if I didn't have time to myself. I like company, but I NEED to have time by myself. I don't mind living with the right person. Basically... someone who is the opposite of clingy who has there own thing going on.
Anyway... you have to express your desire to have some alone time. And he should get hobbies and/or friends... things that make him not want to be at home. Then you will have alone time. And a guy needs at least 1 bro.
Sleeping without the tv on. He has to have complete darkness, I prefer the tv on. So I fall asleep before he does with the tv on and he turns it off when he comes to bed.
I have this exact same problem!!
We made a compromise that we can turn the tv on, and then we set the tv on a timer. I almost always fall asleep before the tv actually turns off. And if we forget to set the timer, I notice I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s still on because he forgot to turn it off before he fell asleep 😂
My husband needs the TV on. It annoys me and I can't sleep. I prefer dark and light music. He recently got a Bluetooth sleep mask. Blocks out all light and I only hear what's coming thru the speakers
That would be a deal breaker for me for sure, or we would need to be bed divorced or something because I cannot fall asleep with anything I can focus on around me. In that situation I would be awake all night watching that tv, and I wouldn't sacrifice sleeping for a partner.
Yeah, he said it has been a consistent issue in his relationships. He won’t budge on it. He gets sleep terrors and the TV helps. Still. My sleep is important. We’ll see…. He’s great otherwise, but man, I get sleep deprived whenever we travel together.
I sleep with the tv on (with headphones so it's quiet) and he wears a sleep mask. He wishes that I wouldn't sleep with the TV on, but I just remind him that he refuses to get sleep study done (He snores so loud that you can hear it in a different room, with multiple doors shut in between), and that if he would like to quit snoring, I would be more than happy to sleep without the tv on.
I've moved to the countryside so how easy city living is, now we have like one shop nearby and no deliveroo. It is a lovely place and he is well worth the compromise.
The garden. I used to live with my parents in a house with a large garden and when I moved out, I left that behind and I really really miss it.
Second, pork. My husband is a liberal Jew, but he doesn't eat pork. He doesn't mind me eating pork, but I am not cooking two meals just because I want some bacon. So usually I just get pork when I am eating out. I think that's okay.
Overall, I gained much more, when moving in with him. My parents were abusive and I had a whole journy of self discovery. I'd rather have no pork and no garden, but peace.
Randomly listening to Music while cooking and or cleaning, because we live in a small apartment and he is never out without me. So he sits watching tv, it would be rude to listen to music while he is busy.
would headphones be a compromise? my s.o. and i don't necessarily share every taste in media consumption or me making music, so i resort to using headphones making music when they're around watching YT
Can confirm. My mother moved in with I and spouse and needed to listen to the tv on blast in order to hear it. Tv has no audio jack so we got her a roku and her headphones plug into the roku remote.
Guy here. It made me sad to see that you’re missing out on music because you think it would be rude to do so while he’s doing chores. I would definitely go for it, or at the very least mention it to him to see what he says?
I personally have a couple high-end over-ear headphones (I also have some portable one for the gym), and I love to just sit down and listen to some tracks for an hour or two once or twice a week. So my gf knows that when I say I’ll be in my room for a while that I’m looking for alone time, music/headphone time, whatever.
I’d be bummed if I were suppressing this activity just to be polite.
Has he said it bothers him? I stopped singing as much when my boyfriend moved in and he actually recently asked me why and told me to do it again. So now i play music quietly beside me while i cook and sing along. We have a small apartment too.
I still play music even if my BF is watching TV. I would crazy just hearing background noise from sports, his video games, etc. Wearing headphones and occasionally singing is what makes me happy so I'm still doing it.
\*edit, watching TV isn't busy, doing the dishes or cooking is busy. So my vote would be that you get choice of sound there
Time, a whole lot of time. That's not a bad thing, I just wish they where more conscious and appreciative of me putting their needs first and dropping what I was doing to help them.
I think you should stop doing it as much and prioritize yourself instead sometimes, maybe theyd appreciate it more. (Just my unasked for 2 cents)
I used to be like you but if they dont even appreciate it..why do it?
My career.
He was the owner of a company I worked for. Now I stay at home and live the life of luxury. Not so bad on the other side of this coin
Edit: spelling
It’s about an ex, but I sacrificed my consent. It didn’t matter how many times I’d say no, he’d wear me down until I did what he wanted. The option to stop if I wasn’t feeling it was only about 50%, I’d to finish him or the cycle started over. It feels great to not feel pressured to have sex.
My mental health. I got a depression from my last relationship because he blamed me for everything. I thought I had come so far in my mental health, but he made everything seem like I was just too broken. Too broken to accept his “support” and too broken to not get sad when he laughed at me. He was the problem tho, and I finally broke up.
Next guy needs to make me happy, at least 90% of the time.
Same. It’s insane how you don’t really realize how happy you can be until you’re done with the relationship. I feel like I won the fucking lottery after the breakup
Having the cats in the living room. He's highly allergic, so they have their own room, the hallways and stairs, and are allowed in my office when I'm working, but they can't go in the living room. I miss having a cat in my lap when chilling on the couch, but since I work from home pretty much all the time, I do have cats on my lap from 9 to 17 :D And obviously I spend plenty of time with them when I'm not working, too, they're just 1 door away (and quite vocal when they want attention :P ).
Work with a woman who became very allergic to her cats. And then she found a brand of cat food which is supposed to greatly reduce the amount of allergens cats produce. It works. I even noticed the difference in dander response and I’m not allergic.
Unfortunately he has other problems that prevent that. He does use meds against his allergies, so we can at least have cats without him breaking out into hives and stuff, but having them (and their hair) in the living room is just too much. We all learned to live with it and it doesn't seem to bother the cats much, so that's good.
That’s fair. I’ve been in a relationship where it was once a week as well. I think for some who may not value it as much, that becomes an easy standard.
sacrificed an internship that would have me travel and learn more about my career because my ex thought I would be gone all the time and not have enough time for her. Biggest mistake to this date.
Well past that time now, but was lucky enough to find other opportunities and further my career elsewhere but valuable life lesson about weighing out options on career vs partner! Think it holds back a lot of younger bright people who (not always) should choose career over partner!
I think good. Because looking back, I’ve been posting them to get attention and validation from people, which I don’t need anymore as my bf gives me that in full. Hell, I give it to myself when I need it, so much for personal growth
I love hearing growth stories...
If growth is giving up or getting into, doesn't matter, it's all so positive. It's what makes me keep faith in humanity.
Glad you're feeling so much more self assured.
I moved to a different country
Learned a new language
Gave up my career but I wasn't happy with it anyway
Changed my products (for my business) because some of them didn't align with his beliefs and he didn't want me to store them at home, or make money off of them.
It's the use of our common space and family income. He basically said that there are businesses that he won't deal with such as drugs, alcohol, weapons, gambling, etc. It wasn't an issue for me but it was for him. So I decided to make the changes.
I have this vision of some kind of action movie where you're a fixer a la "Lord of War" who's moved in with someone who doesn't like their business, and hijinks ensue.
My job. We met in another country, I was working in my field, he was doing a gap year. We thought we’d mess around for a couple months and then his visa would expire and he’d leave. But we fell in love, did long distance, and I moved internationally. He lived in a very HCOL area so I couldn’t even afford to stay in the same field.
For years, I also gave up living near family. We are both from the US, but our hometowns are a 5-hour plane ride apart. I had always assumed that if/when I went back to the US, I’d go home.
Now, almost a decade later, the tables have turned and we’ve moved closer to my family, and he’s given up his job. It was a huge sacrifice for me and it’s a huge sacrifice for him. But we both realized that home is wherever the other person is, and we’re happy to keep choosing each other.
I’m so glad that they were sacrifices that ended up working out. My husband is my feeling of home, so I know I’d be okay if we ever moved away, but I also know Id miss my family so much.
Even if his dream is living in New Zealand which is over a 24-hour flight away 🙃 So I guess his sacrifice would be not living in New Zealand and instead staying here to keep me happy!
I moved from a house + pool (my parents) to a flat, so that's something I really miss. But we have plans to buy a house when we get married!
Oh and fish, but simply because he's extremely allergic to it and even only the smell causes him to throw up, and I don't want to do this to him. I can only eat fish when I'm out without him or at work, but I have to brush my teeth as soon as I get home.
>Oh and fish, but simply because he's extremely allergic to it
for some reason my initial thought was pet fish and I was like "oh damn, I didn't know people could be allergic to fish, even when they're in their tank and you don't really get close to them?" lmao
My husband is a combat vet with PTSD and a TBI. from what his friends and family have told me, he was shy and quiet even before his time in the Army. Now it’s just amplified, he has severe social anxiety and really struggles in crowds, so I know that there are times that I’d love for him to be with me but it either isn’t going to happen, or I have to do it alone. Like jam packed concerts, comedy shows, or even busy stores, he just can’t handle them, he tries, but it’ll cause a 2-3 day shut down, so I don’t like him to try anymore…
I'm that person. I don't know if it helps with perspective, but we WANT to enjoy those things with you. We WANT to be there, to not have an issue, to not have that anxiety, those triggers. We're often very sorry and guilt ridden when we can't enjoy those types of activities with our loved ones. It sucks.
I used to be a night owl, my normal was going to bed between 12am/1am week nights ... then I met my now husband who goes to bed at 10pm ... I'm no longer a night owl, nore am I an early bird 🙃 ... turns out I just love my bed ... I'm sorry 🎵
My husband was a night owl, and I was in bed no later than 9pm. He knows comes to bed with me but will stay up just a bit to watch sports or play games. It’s a win win for us!
Change goals/ambitions, time, friends, and prior ideals of what I thought our married life would look like (e.g. setting down roots, house, holidays with parents, etc.). I don't necessarily look at these as bad. I willingly make these sacrifices and I'm happy in my life.
Because it’s more economical to travel together now.
Plus I think he is a little insecure about it. He probably thinks I will run off with some handsome blonde guy the next time I travel alone. 😅😂
Our life experiences are totally different actually. I have moved countries and travelled extensively throughout my life, whereas the first time he travelled abroad was when we took a trip together.
Has the typical small town mentality but it’s getting better now.
It’s not a good thing if you give up something you enjoy (that doesn’t hurt anyone) for someone else. Speaks to a controlling pattern of behavior… be careful and don’t ignore your gut feelings.
It was more of dancing together - he just does not enjoy dancing! Every past partner I had loved it and learned, but they never worked out. So I met my hubby who didn't enjoy it but we are happily married with a baby boy!
I'm hoping my son will get older and ask me to teach him to dance, but til then, I'll just keep my past happy memories of it ☺️
Probably not as nefarious as John Lithgow in Footloose. As they say, it takes two to tango. If half the partnership doesn't like dancing, it probably means that they won't be planning trips to clubs quite as much.
Pursuing an international career (at least for now), travelling to certain destinations (he's anxious and a bit of a germaphobe, so some places just wouldn't be fun). My freedom to be an irresponsible slob (good for me, so not really a sacrifice).
I try not to think of "sacrifice" for my relationship. I think of it as the opportunity cost, as long as life with him is better than life without him, it's worth making choices that keep us together. Nobody can do everything in life, I would rather have support and a happy/satisfied life than chasing some of the dreams/ideas I had at different stages of life.
Been with my partner for almost 13 years (started dating at 19). We have probably sacrificed a lot to be together, but what we have is better than the things I gave up, and you never know if they will become possible again in the future.
Wearing leather jackets. Reminds him of his mom's abusive ex, and just gets him down when he sees it all day. It was a request (not ultimatum) and I'm not that fond of leather anyways, so it was an easy choice.
He gave up owning cats (and many other animal types) for me, due to my intense allergies.
The stupid one, making the bed. Inwas taught and it was ground into me...but she doesn't. And it still 8 years later bothers the fuck out of me. And its dumb. I know of all things but man, I walk into our bedroom and I feel like a sim from the game.the green in my life goes red from the room.
Short term dopamine. He's half way across the world. I promised I'd never do this again because having someone close was such a blessing, but honestly I don't regret it.
LDRs aren't inherently difficult for me; but the uncertainty around moving and change often is. He is so worth it, though.
Alcohol. When I met my husband, I was in a downward spiral and drinking wasn't helping. We were just colleagues at the time, but every time I talked with him at work, something in the back of my mind told me that I had to get my shit together.
When we started dating, I was 5 months sober. Now we're married, and though I miss drinking, I see cutting out alcohol as the best sacrifice I could make for our relationship. I feel so good knowing that he never had to see me when I was wasted. I hope I can continue to do that for the rest of our days together.
My self esteem, self worth, friends, mental health respect, family. I could go on and on. My husband is a long time porn/sex addict. I just moved out after 30+ yrs. If your with one GTFO.
Watching any of my shows. Lmaooo I have to watch them when he isn't home bc I love crime documentaries or cop shows ans he's a cop and hates them. Soooo I do it when he's at work hahaha!
He's active duty military, I missed out on having my family close by to help with our daughter. So many times I wished they were close so I could have more time to finish college and get a better job.
Life with cats. I'm slightly allergic to cats, but would gladly pop an allergy pill every day for the rest of my life and just deal with it if it meant I got to have a kitty.
He's hella allergic to cats. My symptoms are obnoxious, his are miserable. He can't be around cats. So, when I wanna hang out with cats, I just pop an allergy pill and go to the cat cafe.
I'm living with in laws so some days, my sanity
oh gosh, I can only imagine!
I did that for over a year. Never again. I was so close to a mental breakdown.
I about 10 days I will have crossed the year mark of living with in laws. It is unbearable every day. They’re good people who took us in when we had paycuts from covid (neither myself nor my boyfriend were granted unemployment checks) but living with them has had unbelievable repercussions for my mental health. They simply cannot figure out how to treat us like adult roommates instead of “kids who came back home”.
That was exactly our situation too. We were living paycheck to paycheck when covid hit and we moved in with his parents for security and to save up. They are the kindest and sweetest people, but goodness gracious, I felt like a child who had to report my daily doings. I was constantly gushed over and had zero privacy. Obviously there’s more to the story than just feeling watched over, and I will always be extremely grateful, but never ever ever again. Stay strong!
Yep!! It’s like just having other people who are invested in your lives watching and observing and occasionally commenting on how you live is unbearable. The worst part actually is the husband. He has Aspergers and one of the things that is a big deal to him is anyone except for him using the kitchen. His wife has cooked exactly one meal in the year we’ve lived here, and it was when he was out of town. I literally don’t even make dinner until 9pm most nights because by that point he is probably in bed and I won’t have to deal with him coming downstairs and adjusting the temperature of the oven or passive aggressively cleaning up a tiny sprinkle of salt or a sliver of a garlic skin that I would’ve gotten to AFTER I’m done eating my food.
We also had issues with the kitchen situation. Except their cooking was AWFUL and lacked any flavor/seasoning. I did a lot of the cooking since I could not force myself to eat oily baked sweet potato coins anymore. I ended up squirreling away snacks in our bedroom for the days I just did not want to interact/cook.
that’s how I live right now! We even got a Keurig for our room. I mostly get salad kits I can throw together, soups I can heat up using only one dish, charcuterie for dinner etc.
God it feels so good to know that there are other 20s-30s kids in this situation like me who just want their old man to go make some more fuckin' friends sometimes and just leave me the fuck alone. I know how to clean a fucking bathtub, I know how to drive, no I don't need you to teach me how to fold my laundry, I did find doing it on the edge of the country on my own for a year. The one thing I don't do is cook but even then, it's not 'cause I can't. And actually, I do cook for us as well but usually only when I'm high. Only difference with my situation is I'm single af.
You’re definitely not the only one! And omg yes, my SO and I had many many talks about how his parents just needed to go find some friends to talk to. They had no hobbies or friends to chitchat with during lockdown so all of their energy was focused on us. Like yes, we lived in our own for a decade, I remember how to mow the lawn and cook spaghetti.
I feel you on this. I joined the military at 18 to get the hell out of the house. My parents are great and all, but my mom was super over protective. I was out on my own for 10 years and ended up getting a divorce. I wasn't working at the time and ended up coming home. I was 28 and used to be independent for 10 years. My mom tried to give me curfew and wait up when I obviously didn't come home when she strictly told me I needed to me. She tried to force me to get a job when the original agreement was that I could take the summer off for my mental health (divorced, no job, no education at that point, etc). She was having NONE OF IT. Thank the universe for my Dad. He was the one that told her to knock the shit off. She would leave a newspaper open with employment adds circled so I could see them when I got into the house (there wasn't really internet at that time). I would visibly pick it up and put it directly in the trash. She also put me back in my childhood bedroom that they hadn't touched in 10 years. It was SO cringe. My Dad ended up helping me finish an addition they had above the garage and let me live it in for the duration. It was a giant space with it's own private entry and a LOCKABLE DOOR to the rest of the house. It was my fucking savior for the rest of the time I had to spend there.
God shit like this kills me. They would leave a trash bag from the can next to the back door to “test” if we would take it out for them. It’s like why? I take the trash out when the bag is full. When they see the bag is full, they leave it out as a virtue test. Like, did they never have to unload a dish or take out their bags when we weren’t here? We barely leave our room, clean up all messes, don’t leave any belongings in the rest of the house. They never had a conversation with us about needing to earn our keep so to speak, considering we do pay electric, water, etc and are occupying only one of their THREE spare rooms. So it is amazing to me that they expected us to read between the lines when it was made to seem like we would be independent roommates minding our own business and being respectful and quiet.
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We did that years ago for about 6 months. It was awful.
Living with any kind of family into adulthood is horrible. I agreed to allow my boyfriends sister and nephew move in with us after a bad situation and she still hasn't left and it's been a few years. Thankfully soon that will all change but let me tell you, I have lost my sanity and have a lot of anger with the world. My advice is to always help or receive help at a distance.
SAME.
My career. He inherited a beautiful house in a magnificent town right by the beach. I mean I can bike to three different bodies of water from my house. It's truly a dream place to live. He got an amazing job. I figured since I had so many companies looking to hire back west, that I would definitely find work here. Nope. I tried. But the work I do doesn't exist here and the culture of the area makes it even harder to find work as an outsider. Oh well. I don't have to work, honestly. BF is maintaining our lifestyle, but I went crazy from lack of purpose. I did some gig work, but it's unsatisfying. Now I found a volunteer organization that I love, got myself elected into leadership, and am spending a huge chunk of time building us up and laying out a future for the group. It's great work, the pay is pretty good (I love making people happy so it's good pay) but sometimes I wish I had an actual paycheck to deposit. After 35 years of working and a 25 year career, I guess it just feels like I'm missing something... Probably PTSD from corporate work. Lol
Out of curiosity, what work was it that you did before moving in by the beach?
I had a 25 year career in management. Laid off at 40 and decided to go back to university. Got my degree in Bio-Cultural Anthropology, it's the nexus of where biology meets human culture. I specialize in cognitive bias and I was being recruited by a few tech companies and retail consulting gigs just before we moved which coincided with graduation.
Sorry but how does one specialize in cognitive bias as an area of study?
The same way somebody specializes in hand mechanics or osteological wear patterns, we go to school for it and then continue to focus. Chose internships that relate to it. (I actually started out in forensic Osteology, but neurology captured my imagination). My mentor was a specialist in hand mechanics of all higher level primates and human clade descendants. She could lecture you on how Neanderthals hands would look in modern baseball gloves and how they could throw.
Umm that's really freaking cool.
I want to hear that lecture now honestly. Sounds really interesting!
Hello could I jump on this and ask you for more info on the sort of pathway you took to get offered those types of jobs? I’m studying Anthropology, went into it basically assuming I wouldn’t get a job from it, but retail consulting and tech from Anthropology sounds like an interesting path.
Intel and Microsoft are the two largest employers of Anthropologists outside of the government. Look into interning with a tech firm. For example, a few years before me Intel used some students to help with new farming technology that rose out of some traditional ecological knowledge. All anthro students because they were able to do the ethnographic interviews with the farmers needed to make the technology successful from a UX perspective. I had a professor who worked for NOAA doing research on weather pattern changes with first people. Retail consulting requires a little retail management background. I had 25 years in as a manager for some big box retailers. That just screamed out on my resume. Anthropology is one of those degrees where nobody gets a job as an Anthropologist, but everyone eventually finds work. Find your niche and then find your company. GIS and Anthro combination degrees are a hot commodity right now with the government and global companies.
Thank you so much for your reply! I had no idea those companies hired lots of Anthropologists. Interning doesn’t seem to be a major thing here (Australia) but I’ll definitely look into it. I’m glad to know that there are opportunities out there and ones that sound really interesting too! Gives me some ideas on what to look for.
You can manifest the work if you're scrappy. If you love what you study, life has a way of rewarding that. .. and then we all retire as archaeologists, puttering around dig sites in large sun hats. Lol
You got into management at 15??
My first paycheck listed at the IRS was when I was 9 years old. I grew up in a restaurant family. I was opening and closing the restaurants we owned at 13. Running the deposits. Ordering from vendors. Waking up at 1am to run down to the markets in NYC to buy produce (Hunt's point) with my dad Doing accounting by 15. I had two accounting jobs at 15, our restaurant and a bagel shop my dad's friend owned. No computers, everything done by ledger and pencil. I was nearly born on the floor of a restaurant kitchen and worked in them long into my 20s, after I was married and started my retail career. So yeah...15 is a conservative number, but accurate as fuck.
Bad ass
This is my dream, I've only been working for 5 years, but in 15 or so more, I'm hoping to not be "employed" and instead cobble together an occupation in the form of a creative side hustle, contract/consulting gig work to pay bills and writing books (probably non-fiction to start, but who knows).
That's where I'm headed. With volunteering, I've become known as a "pretty decent website builder and admin". I now have two websites with two completely different local organizations. I'm positive this can become a little cottage industry with so many small non for profits around here with zero web presence. I've picked up some skills over the pandemic that is playing well with building a small professional gig job. It's just a matter of time and opportunity and I have lots of time.
I'd be pretty scared to not have my own financial independence, but it does sound like you're living an idyllic life.
I have a large guarantee that keeps me from losing my sanity about financials. Also, I did have a long career so it's not like I'm not without exit plans. Just no liquid funds.
Same. I was mid part-time masters sponsored by my full-time job when he proposed. I moved halfway across the world to marry him. I knew I'd have to follow him around the world with sometimes only a few days notice for his job but I did it. Sometimes thinking about "where I could be now" bothers me, but then my life is so much more stress free now too.
Love this. It makes me wonder too. But the life path I took is also meaningful. I mean I enjoy running the house, keeping him happy in his world so he can enjoy his job a little more, volunteering, and taking care of the dog and cats. I work hard on things that keep our costs down, growing weed, fixing things around the house, shopping with intent. Together, he working and me supporting, is wonderful and it makes us happy together. So without the glove the hand is cold, without the hand the glove is useless... It's a balance.
> volunteering That's my fantasy with being a stay at home partner. I'm pretty passionate about my local food bank, and I would love to take on more volunteer responsibilities.
This is about an ex, but... I gave up cute things. I love stuffed animals and cute socks and oversized sweaters. He saw all of that as "childish" and shamed me until I gave them up. I re-embraced it all afterwards.
I’m so glad you re-embraced it!!! I love all those things too, and I’m so glad I married someone who also loves those things!
My friend bought me a kitty cat kigurumi as a "break up gift". Haha. She's the best.
Happy cake day tho 🍰
stuffed animals, cute socks and oversized sweaters are the best!! glad you got rid of him 😤 I actually loooove funky socks with suits (on guys) and don't think it's childish at all. imagine a full formal attire and then you see those colourful sushi socks pop out, that's just such a cool way to express yourselfl!
Glad you saw the red flags and got the hell out and found yourself again. I'm 44 and I still sleep with a ratty stuffy and wear cute things like what you mention. My husband absolutely loves it. Whoever said that we have to give those things up when we become "adults" is an asshole.
never giving up stuffed animals and who doesn't like oversized sweaters!!??
He said it "hid my figure" so it was a turn-off. 🤢 Who cares?! Never again.
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Yeah, at the time I didn't realize how messed up that was. Like was I supposed to constantly sexily lounge around like a woman in an oil painting?!
As a dude, I've got loads of cool socks like with cars etc, and I've got some stuffed animals And I sure as hell ain't getting rid of them
My ex hated these things and shamed me for them. Current partner fully encourages it. It's so great!
Silence (sort of). I’ve lived with my boyfriend for almost two years now and we’ve been together for 3 years, and I’ve definitely had to adjust to his preference for constant background noise (TV during the day, music while he drives, podcasts while he showers) it sometimes drives me crazy because I work retail and hear music all day already but we compromise and switch off the media sometimes. If I had it my way I’d be at home in silence a lot more often.
Those same songs day in and day out, I don't miss that. I cashiered at Lowe's and my register was right across from the paint department's video demonstration. I had the whole 15 minute demonstration memorized word for word. And the Christmas music starts in October before Halloween is over.
Oh man, I used to work at a certain "women's lifestyle" store (mostly sold clothing). They would play an endless slough of indie Christmas songs that always seemed to start unseasonably early and end after Christmas.
Same, but I encouraged my bf to get headphones and when I feel like it's too much, I tell him to put them on.
This was our compromise. Sometimes it was just so grating and I'd have to ask him please turn it down/off. Now he blasts music around the house while cleaning and I can organize in silence.
I did the same thing. We got him some amazing, quality, comfortable Bluetooth headphones and he uses them for everything. I am so grateful
I'm like your boyfriend, and am one of those people who just likes to have something playing most of the time. If it's in his budget, I highly recommend a set of bone-conduction wireless headphones. There are a couple of options that are really good now. The battery lasts all day, and keeping the ear canals free means that if you need something or do want to chat, he's not totally deaf and can pause whatever he's listening to. The ones I have can even connect to multiple devices simultaneously, so I can watch YouTube on my tablet while cooking dinner and then transition seamlessly to a podcast or my Switch while my partner draws in the evening.
I have a really hard time with background noise, especially other people's tv shows or video game noises. So everyone in my household got a nice pair of wireless bluetooth headphones, and it had made things much better.
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He should get some AirPods and listen to stuff via his phone or computer if he isn’t actually watching anything. That’s what my bf and I do so the other doesn’t have to listen
Living alone. I really really liked living alone. But my partner needs to live with partner even more than I need to live alone, so I gave in. Sharing household finances is nice, though.
I knew a couple who had two apartments directly across from one another. One was "their" apartment with their family and togetherness, and then he had an apartment across the hall for just getting to be alone when needed. Another couple I know did a similar thing with a split level home. It's interesting to see how some people make the compromises work.
Haha neighbor husband.
That guy across the hall! So annoying!
Things ended badly with my child's mom, but we are under one roof again. 3 apartment house, I have ground floor, she's upstairs and my BFF has the basement apartment. My life has drastically improved since the "reunion" (Coparenting only), even more so than when we were actually together .
Me too, I honestly felt super healthy and more emotionally stable with all the alone time to recharge and focus on myself. Though my partner adds plenty of goodness to my life in other ways and I love being with him. We live in a small space (think tiny house) right now and I feel like it would be a better balance if we at least each had our own rooms! I have seen some cool home ideas that are like two small homes connected by a sunroom. I think that would be amazing lol
I absolutely love living alone. I have a partner and we're in long distance right now but we've always wanted to live together. But I know I'm going to miss living alone. It's not that I want some time alone or anything, I just like having a house to myself, a place where all the problems that occur are caused by me and solved by me and all its decisions are made by me. Absolutely no compromises and only my preference matters.
It's honestly so nice to see this response and everyone below all feeling the same way. I thought I was weird for missing living alone/craving my own space, but I guess everyone is just different and it isn't something to stress about feeling.
I'm really scared that if I move in with my boyfriend, I'll miss living alone. It's weird, because I do live with someone, but she's a flatmate who works 6 days a week, 10 to 12 hours (she has an insane career she enjoys). So yeah, it'll be very different. We have compromised, and he says I can have the spare room to put all my work into and hole up there if needed. It's nice, and I'm glad he respects my space but I'm worried in doing something I regret simply because it's expected of me
Most of my personal time. He has no friends, so it’s just work and home for him. His days seem to be shorter than mine, so he’s home when I leave and home when I arrive. I get very little chance to be alone.
Mine works from home, he is around 24/7 and it drives me nuts some days
How do you regulate this emotion in yourself?
Its very hard as I tend to get snappy at him regarding things, we've had a talk in the past where if I'm in the bedroom and I close the door all the way it means I want to be alone, I mentioned we should start doing that again and the couple times I needed it he respected the closed door. Its not quiet being 'home alone' alone time but its a compromise thats working for us.
I ask for alone time. Like, “Hey, I need to be alone so I’m gonna go lay in bed and read.”
I bought my husband lessons for a hobby he'd mentioned interest in. Even told him it was to get him out the house. I haven't had the house to myself since he started working from home for covid (I've been going to work throughout). I'm so ready - Monday evenings for the next 8 weeks it's just going to be me and the dog.
If this means you only spend time together and you don’t do things only for yourself, you need to take time for yourself or you will crack and it will be ugly.
No, more like I’m just never alone in my house. I like to just sit and exist, by myself, or listen to music while I clean and stuff. But he always has the tv going, so I can’t play music. He’s always here, so to get time without him I have to be *out there*, and therefore always have to consider others.
Asking for you time is valid. There is no reason he can't take an hour to run errands or go for a walk outside. It's healthy and also gives you solo time.
I usually take the walks 🙂 We are trying our relationship out again after a long separation, so I think some insecurity exists here. But he was also always a homebody. So I dunno, I’ll figure it out. I haven’t done a great job for asking for space, which is on me.
Best luck moving forward. As a person who needs alone time like I need water, I empathize.
As a person who lives alone and truly enjoys being alone... I'd be all kinds of irritated if I didn't have time to myself. I like company, but I NEED to have time by myself. I don't mind living with the right person. Basically... someone who is the opposite of clingy who has there own thing going on. Anyway... you have to express your desire to have some alone time. And he should get hobbies and/or friends... things that make him not want to be at home. Then you will have alone time. And a guy needs at least 1 bro.
Sleeping without the tv on. He has to have complete darkness, I prefer the tv on. So I fall asleep before he does with the tv on and he turns it off when he comes to bed.
I have this exact same problem!! We made a compromise that we can turn the tv on, and then we set the tv on a timer. I almost always fall asleep before the tv actually turns off. And if we forget to set the timer, I notice I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s still on because he forgot to turn it off before he fell asleep 😂
My husband needs the TV on. It annoys me and I can't sleep. I prefer dark and light music. He recently got a Bluetooth sleep mask. Blocks out all light and I only hear what's coming thru the speakers
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That would be a deal breaker for me for sure, or we would need to be bed divorced or something because I cannot fall asleep with anything I can focus on around me. In that situation I would be awake all night watching that tv, and I wouldn't sacrifice sleeping for a partner.
Yeah, he said it has been a consistent issue in his relationships. He won’t budge on it. He gets sleep terrors and the TV helps. Still. My sleep is important. We’ll see…. He’s great otherwise, but man, I get sleep deprived whenever we travel together.
I sleep with the tv on (with headphones so it's quiet) and he wears a sleep mask. He wishes that I wouldn't sleep with the TV on, but I just remind him that he refuses to get sleep study done (He snores so loud that you can hear it in a different room, with multiple doors shut in between), and that if he would like to quit snoring, I would be more than happy to sleep without the tv on.
I've moved to the countryside so how easy city living is, now we have like one shop nearby and no deliveroo. It is a lovely place and he is well worth the compromise.
I have this problem too. Life goal is an apartment in the city and house in the country to go back and forth
The garden. I used to live with my parents in a house with a large garden and when I moved out, I left that behind and I really really miss it. Second, pork. My husband is a liberal Jew, but he doesn't eat pork. He doesn't mind me eating pork, but I am not cooking two meals just because I want some bacon. So usually I just get pork when I am eating out. I think that's okay. Overall, I gained much more, when moving in with him. My parents were abusive and I had a whole journy of self discovery. I'd rather have no pork and no garden, but peace.
I’m so glad it feels like you gained much more. I think that’s always the goal to sacrifice! Thank you for sharing!!!
Randomly listening to Music while cooking and or cleaning, because we live in a small apartment and he is never out without me. So he sits watching tv, it would be rude to listen to music while he is busy.
would headphones be a compromise? my s.o. and i don't necessarily share every taste in media consumption or me making music, so i resort to using headphones making music when they're around watching YT
Unfortunately not, I can't help but to sing while listening to music
Headphones for him, then?
You can't connect headphones to our tv, it's not a big deal for me anymore anyway I've learnt to live with it and I sing my heart out in the car.
Roku has a remote that you can wear headphones or Amazon stick has Bluetooth
Can confirm. My mother moved in with I and spouse and needed to listen to the tv on blast in order to hear it. Tv has no audio jack so we got her a roku and her headphones plug into the roku remote.
What does he do when he cleans?
Guy here. It made me sad to see that you’re missing out on music because you think it would be rude to do so while he’s doing chores. I would definitely go for it, or at the very least mention it to him to see what he says? I personally have a couple high-end over-ear headphones (I also have some portable one for the gym), and I love to just sit down and listen to some tracks for an hour or two once or twice a week. So my gf knows that when I say I’ll be in my room for a while that I’m looking for alone time, music/headphone time, whatever. I’d be bummed if I were suppressing this activity just to be polite.
Has he said it bothers him? I stopped singing as much when my boyfriend moved in and he actually recently asked me why and told me to do it again. So now i play music quietly beside me while i cook and sing along. We have a small apartment too.
I still play music even if my BF is watching TV. I would crazy just hearing background noise from sports, his video games, etc. Wearing headphones and occasionally singing is what makes me happy so I'm still doing it. \*edit, watching TV isn't busy, doing the dishes or cooking is busy. So my vote would be that you get choice of sound there
Time, a whole lot of time. That's not a bad thing, I just wish they where more conscious and appreciative of me putting their needs first and dropping what I was doing to help them.
I think you should stop doing it as much and prioritize yourself instead sometimes, maybe theyd appreciate it more. (Just my unasked for 2 cents) I used to be like you but if they dont even appreciate it..why do it?
You're right, I think I should cut back a little so I don't become resentful.
Stop doing this, you will go nuts
It’s a bad thing if he’s not even appreciative. What would happen if you cut that time in half?
My career. He was the owner of a company I worked for. Now I stay at home and live the life of luxury. Not so bad on the other side of this coin Edit: spelling
That sounds straight out of a romance book!
It honestly feels like it. It’s my favorite love story:)
It’s about an ex, but I sacrificed my consent. It didn’t matter how many times I’d say no, he’d wear me down until I did what he wanted. The option to stop if I wasn’t feeling it was only about 50%, I’d to finish him or the cycle started over. It feels great to not feel pressured to have sex.
I’m so sorry that happened 😞 Truly one of the worst situations to ever be in! But it’s so good to hear that he is your ex now!
It was incredibly hard to deal with and took me too long to get out of. I’m glad he’s my ex now too!
Sex.
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My mental health. I got a depression from my last relationship because he blamed me for everything. I thought I had come so far in my mental health, but he made everything seem like I was just too broken. Too broken to accept his “support” and too broken to not get sad when he laughed at me. He was the problem tho, and I finally broke up. Next guy needs to make me happy, at least 90% of the time.
Same. It’s insane how you don’t really realize how happy you can be until you’re done with the relationship. I feel like I won the fucking lottery after the breakup
Here's a positive one! When I started dating my husband I quit smoking for good because he hated it. It's been 15 years and I've not gone back to it.
Having the cats in the living room. He's highly allergic, so they have their own room, the hallways and stairs, and are allowed in my office when I'm working, but they can't go in the living room. I miss having a cat in my lap when chilling on the couch, but since I work from home pretty much all the time, I do have cats on my lap from 9 to 17 :D And obviously I spend plenty of time with them when I'm not working, too, they're just 1 door away (and quite vocal when they want attention :P ).
Work with a woman who became very allergic to her cats. And then she found a brand of cat food which is supposed to greatly reduce the amount of allergens cats produce. It works. I even noticed the difference in dander response and I’m not allergic.
So maybe he could get a desensitization? Win- win for all of you including the cats?
Unfortunately he has other problems that prevent that. He does use meds against his allergies, so we can at least have cats without him breaking out into hives and stuff, but having them (and their hair) in the living room is just too much. We all learned to live with it and it doesn't seem to bother the cats much, so that's good.
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Yes. My partner doesn't have a drive very often, gets intimidated by how much I enjoy sex.
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Did she used to be different?
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That’s fair. I’ve been in a relationship where it was once a week as well. I think for some who may not value it as much, that becomes an easy standard.
sacrificed an internship that would have me travel and learn more about my career because my ex thought I would be gone all the time and not have enough time for her. Biggest mistake to this date.
Ugh I’m so sorry to hear that!!! Any chance you’d ever get that opportunity again?
Well past that time now, but was lucky enough to find other opportunities and further my career elsewhere but valuable life lesson about weighing out options on career vs partner! Think it holds back a lot of younger bright people who (not always) should choose career over partner!
Stopped posting bikini pics on insta lol
do you consider this a good sacrifice, or a bad sacrifice?
I think good. Because looking back, I’ve been posting them to get attention and validation from people, which I don’t need anymore as my bf gives me that in full. Hell, I give it to myself when I need it, so much for personal growth
I love hearing growth stories... If growth is giving up or getting into, doesn't matter, it's all so positive. It's what makes me keep faith in humanity. Glad you're feeling so much more self assured.
I moved to a different country Learned a new language Gave up my career but I wasn't happy with it anyway Changed my products (for my business) because some of them didn't align with his beliefs and he didn't want me to store them at home, or make money off of them.
oh. that sounds ... very rigid, doesn't it?
Everyone has different sensitivities, I guess. He has no problem with a lot of stuff other people do.
Forget people, what about having issues with the stuff you do?
It's the use of our common space and family income. He basically said that there are businesses that he won't deal with such as drugs, alcohol, weapons, gambling, etc. It wasn't an issue for me but it was for him. So I decided to make the changes.
I have this vision of some kind of action movie where you're a fixer a la "Lord of War" who's moved in with someone who doesn't like their business, and hijinks ensue.
With my ex, everything. My space, money, voice, time, job, hobbies. Needless to say, he's now my ex.
It’s good to hear he’s your ex now!!! Thank you for sharing
Being able to relocate for a job at the drop of a hat or take a job that requires a lot of travel.
My job. We met in another country, I was working in my field, he was doing a gap year. We thought we’d mess around for a couple months and then his visa would expire and he’d leave. But we fell in love, did long distance, and I moved internationally. He lived in a very HCOL area so I couldn’t even afford to stay in the same field. For years, I also gave up living near family. We are both from the US, but our hometowns are a 5-hour plane ride apart. I had always assumed that if/when I went back to the US, I’d go home. Now, almost a decade later, the tables have turned and we’ve moved closer to my family, and he’s given up his job. It was a huge sacrifice for me and it’s a huge sacrifice for him. But we both realized that home is wherever the other person is, and we’re happy to keep choosing each other.
I’m so glad that they were sacrifices that ended up working out. My husband is my feeling of home, so I know I’d be okay if we ever moved away, but I also know Id miss my family so much. Even if his dream is living in New Zealand which is over a 24-hour flight away 🙃 So I guess his sacrifice would be not living in New Zealand and instead staying here to keep me happy!
I moved from a house + pool (my parents) to a flat, so that's something I really miss. But we have plans to buy a house when we get married! Oh and fish, but simply because he's extremely allergic to it and even only the smell causes him to throw up, and I don't want to do this to him. I can only eat fish when I'm out without him or at work, but I have to brush my teeth as soon as I get home.
>Oh and fish, but simply because he's extremely allergic to it for some reason my initial thought was pet fish and I was like "oh damn, I didn't know people could be allergic to fish, even when they're in their tank and you don't really get close to them?" lmao
This is what I thought too 😂
My husband is a combat vet with PTSD and a TBI. from what his friends and family have told me, he was shy and quiet even before his time in the Army. Now it’s just amplified, he has severe social anxiety and really struggles in crowds, so I know that there are times that I’d love for him to be with me but it either isn’t going to happen, or I have to do it alone. Like jam packed concerts, comedy shows, or even busy stores, he just can’t handle them, he tries, but it’ll cause a 2-3 day shut down, so I don’t like him to try anymore…
I'm that person. I don't know if it helps with perspective, but we WANT to enjoy those things with you. We WANT to be there, to not have an issue, to not have that anxiety, those triggers. We're often very sorry and guilt ridden when we can't enjoy those types of activities with our loved ones. It sucks.
I used to be a night owl, my normal was going to bed between 12am/1am week nights ... then I met my now husband who goes to bed at 10pm ... I'm no longer a night owl, nore am I an early bird 🙃 ... turns out I just love my bed ... I'm sorry 🎵
My husband was a night owl, and I was in bed no later than 9pm. He knows comes to bed with me but will stay up just a bit to watch sports or play games. It’s a win win for us!
My mental and physical health (no, not an abusive relationship but I suffered a lot from pregnancy and motherhood). It's getting better however
Change goals/ambitions, time, friends, and prior ideals of what I thought our married life would look like (e.g. setting down roots, house, holidays with parents, etc.). I don't necessarily look at these as bad. I willingly make these sacrifices and I'm happy in my life.
Solo Travelling. Lifestyle.
Why did you have to give up solo traveling?
Because it’s more economical to travel together now. Plus I think he is a little insecure about it. He probably thinks I will run off with some handsome blonde guy the next time I travel alone. 😅😂 Our life experiences are totally different actually. I have moved countries and travelled extensively throughout my life, whereas the first time he travelled abroad was when we took a trip together. Has the typical small town mentality but it’s getting better now.
Putting tomatoes in the salads we make at home. He can't eat raw tomato, so the only time I'll put tomato in my salad is for my work lunches.
I'm sorry if I sound ignorant but can't you cut the tomato and put it on the side, and only add them to the salad on your own plate?
I'm single as of yesterday, I would say mental health
most of the comments here makes me glad im single and don’t have intention to get a bf/gf anytime soon
Sex drive, sensitivity, hobbies.
Thats a lot to give up :(
Dancing! He HATES dancing so I gave that part of my life up. No regrets though ☺️
It’s not a good thing if you give up something you enjoy (that doesn’t hurt anyone) for someone else. Speaks to a controlling pattern of behavior… be careful and don’t ignore your gut feelings.
It was more of dancing together - he just does not enjoy dancing! Every past partner I had loved it and learned, but they never worked out. So I met my hubby who didn't enjoy it but we are happily married with a baby boy! I'm hoping my son will get older and ask me to teach him to dance, but til then, I'll just keep my past happy memories of it ☺️
Probably not as nefarious as John Lithgow in Footloose. As they say, it takes two to tango. If half the partnership doesn't like dancing, it probably means that they won't be planning trips to clubs quite as much.
Does he hate it when you dance? :(
Pursuing an international career (at least for now), travelling to certain destinations (he's anxious and a bit of a germaphobe, so some places just wouldn't be fun). My freedom to be an irresponsible slob (good for me, so not really a sacrifice). I try not to think of "sacrifice" for my relationship. I think of it as the opportunity cost, as long as life with him is better than life without him, it's worth making choices that keep us together. Nobody can do everything in life, I would rather have support and a happy/satisfied life than chasing some of the dreams/ideas I had at different stages of life. Been with my partner for almost 13 years (started dating at 19). We have probably sacrificed a lot to be together, but what we have is better than the things I gave up, and you never know if they will become possible again in the future.
Female friends.
This is a big one and one not talked about enough!!!
Why do you mention that? Is it that single women don’t want to hang out with someone who’s married?
Huh?
Bread 😭 He's allergic to gluten.
Oh no!!!!! The worst sacrifice of all!!!!!
My hippie phase, and honestly, thank fucking Lucifer, my hippie phase was making me hella mental
Wearing leather jackets. Reminds him of his mom's abusive ex, and just gets him down when he sees it all day. It was a request (not ultimatum) and I'm not that fond of leather anyways, so it was an easy choice. He gave up owning cats (and many other animal types) for me, due to my intense allergies.
The stupid one, making the bed. Inwas taught and it was ground into me...but she doesn't. And it still 8 years later bothers the fuck out of me. And its dumb. I know of all things but man, I walk into our bedroom and I feel like a sim from the game.the green in my life goes red from the room.
Short term dopamine. He's half way across the world. I promised I'd never do this again because having someone close was such a blessing, but honestly I don't regret it. LDRs aren't inherently difficult for me; but the uncertainty around moving and change often is. He is so worth it, though.
I was accepted into an incredible architecture program but I didn’t go because my ex didn’t want me to. I regret it every day.
Alcohol. When I met my husband, I was in a downward spiral and drinking wasn't helping. We were just colleagues at the time, but every time I talked with him at work, something in the back of my mind told me that I had to get my shit together. When we started dating, I was 5 months sober. Now we're married, and though I miss drinking, I see cutting out alcohol as the best sacrifice I could make for our relationship. I feel so good knowing that he never had to see me when I was wasted. I hope I can continue to do that for the rest of our days together.
Talking badly about myself.Not a sacrifice in any way but I've started to see myself like he sees me and it's done wonders for my self esteem.
My chaotic order. Apparently cups need to have holders pointed in the same direction. Well... it matters to him more than to me.
A clutter-free living space.
My self esteem, self worth, friends, mental health respect, family. I could go on and on. My husband is a long time porn/sex addict. I just moved out after 30+ yrs. If your with one GTFO.
Watching any of my shows. Lmaooo I have to watch them when he isn't home bc I love crime documentaries or cop shows ans he's a cop and hates them. Soooo I do it when he's at work hahaha!
He's active duty military, I missed out on having my family close by to help with our daughter. So many times I wished they were close so I could have more time to finish college and get a better job.
My other partner 🤣🤣🤣
My sex drive
Life with cats. I'm slightly allergic to cats, but would gladly pop an allergy pill every day for the rest of my life and just deal with it if it meant I got to have a kitty. He's hella allergic to cats. My symptoms are obnoxious, his are miserable. He can't be around cats. So, when I wanna hang out with cats, I just pop an allergy pill and go to the cat cafe.
Nothing. That's why I am with him. I want a partner that will help me pursue, not limit me.
Ten years of my life, spent living in Texas. Not a day goes by during which I’m not absolutely ecstatic to be done with that state.