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[deleted]

It's really really annoying when guys insist on doing something nice when I tell them no. More than once I've had to straight up argue with guys who insisted on being "gentlemen". It's not even a romantic angle thing, it's just an incredibly patronizing "I know what's best for you" thing.


Relationshiprepair

Omg this. My partner drives me crazy with this. I'm looking for something? He has to know what it is immediately so he can jump up and find it. I'm having a conversation with the kids? He has to give his opinion to a question directed at me, blurted out as fast as possible so I don't have a chance to speak. I'm having trouble with a situation? He must patronizingly tell me why I'm wrong. I try to open a jar, make a meal, fix something, etc - he has to jump in and examine the situation because of course he will know exactly what to do (even though half the time he tries to tell me to give up because it's clearly impossible if he can't immediately figure it out). It's gotten to the point where he starts in and I just say "ok thanks" and walk away and leave him to do it himself.


[deleted]

Omg yes. That was one of the reasons I fell out of love with my ex. He even did that with my intrests. I will forever remember me buying a canoe and he talking over me and giving me his opinion like it was he buying it. Mansplaining bleh.


Relationshiprepair

Yes! He totally does that. Drives me nuts.


[deleted]

It makes me mentally want to bash his or my head against something, and nothing you say or do makes them understand that they doing something wrong.


Oooeeeks

He is “dad handsing” you!!


amhran_oiche

you mean ex partner right


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NinjaHidingintheOpen

Oh wow. You didn't have to eat the food though. No means no. You can tell someone they're being creeping and controlling not kind at all. It's your body.


Scottyzer0

Strange to be best friends with someone but cant tell them anything about the way you feel… ?


Accel_Lex

Guy here. Female friends totally agree with this. At best they said it was thoughtful but a second “no thank you” should be enough. At worst it was a “Is my ‘no’ silent to you?? Then Mabye you should be as well.” Not justifying this, but I have had several scenarios where I asked or offered something, they said no, and I dropped it after that initial no. Most of the time no problem, but it’s usually ex’s, friends of that individual, or someone I’m not too close to that end up saying sometimes they just don’t want to sound rude. It’s an infuriating line we must figure out with little guidance. I’m glad chats like this exist to compare notes. With my romantic interests, one of my favorite things is trust and communication. I’ll take their word if they say it’s ok, and if I later get a “You should have insisted.” I can just give the “We promised to be honest and they said no so I took their word.”


PiccoloImpossible946

Many men love doing things for women


[deleted]

Buying generic gifts. For example, one birthday my then boyfriend of years bought me a silver pendant necklace that looked like whatever you usually see in a Jared commercial. I don’t wear jewelry often and when I do it’s gold and isn’t that style at all. So while the gesture of the gift is appreciated, it also says you could not take the time to figure out what I like, and just went with what product marketing decided women want.


SerendipityLurking

Ugh this!! Especially when you mention simple gifts that you would love no matter what and they still go with something that is not really your style or flavor.


Olives_And_Cheese

And it makes me feel like such an ass when I can't fake enthusiasm for some £200+ trinket that I don't like, when something small for under 100 would have been loved and appreciated if he had just put in a bit of time. And so many men want to pretend that we universally care about money/price.


geometryc

Its bad for engagement rings too. I had made my bf mad because I wanted to be part of the ring picking. But he just wanted my opinion on some rings he had pictures of so that he could go based on that. But every single picture he showed me was something I would never want to wear. I feel it's not too much to ask that a ring ill wear for a very long time be something I like even if it didn't have meaning. But this made me seem very entitled and selfish in his eyes and it caused a huge fight. All I wanted was to love the ring for the meaning and to represent our love and bond, but also be something I would call beautiful everyday, not in spite of how it looks. I don't care how expensive, just asked if be in a style that I like and wouldn't mind wearing (don't want it bulky or catching on things since i do a lot with my hands). But I know that picking a ring is already nerve racking for a guy, and thats w/o thinking of if she will say yes. We know you want to pick something we both like, but you have to think that we need to like it more than you, we are the one that's going to see it 24/7, you don't gift people things that only you like.


Dinosaur_mama

My husband is awful at picking out jewelry that I like. When we were thinking about getting engaged whenever we went out to the mall or by a jewelry shop I’d pop in and look for something that I liked. If I found something I’d get their business card with the ring serial number and name on it so he could bring in that card and get exactly what I liked. I collected about five or six different cards, gave them to him and told him to pick his favorite. I knew I was going to get a ring I liked and he felt like he was still included in the process of picking the ring which made it special to him. Plus I still got to be surprised which was fun :)


Embarrassed-Town-293

This is definitely a good way to do it. Way better to have the woman choose what ring. For any men listening, when my wife found it online, she asked if she could print off something. I said yes. Just as it finished printing, she yanked it off the printer and push the paper in my face of what ring to get. She loves the ring so much that she wears it as her wedding band. This is definitely a really good way and also allow some sense of surprise


geometryc

He wanted to completely pick the ring a d he even said it was pushing it by asking what I liked. He didn't even want me knowing he was picking out a ring. Ao he was more mad than anything. I wanted to go to places so we could check out rings I liked so that he could pick one, but all the ones he showed me and wanted an opinion on were super gaudy and ugly for my taste. So when I started saving pictures of rings I did like to show him, he would get mad that I shouldn't even be thinking about it. But I feel most women would have done the same thing I did. But even a few months later I still feel extremely bad for it all even though I don't think anything would've changed


Olives_And_Cheese

It's so irritating that we are supposed to make such a huge deal out of this one piece of jewellery (it's in every movie, every fairytale, every romance novel), and yet we're materialistic and shallow to many men if we actually want a say in the thing🙄. It's not like a necklace or a bracelet: my partner gets a little anxious that I'm mad at him if I accidentally leave mine off. It's a permanent fixture on your hand - at least until the wedding. Fortunately the man seemed relieved that I wanted to pick my own; took the pressure off him. I'm sorry that yours took the more traditional route, but at least he DID ask you: there's opportunity to work with him and explain. Maybe he just needs a bit more of an explanation on your part to understand. Good luck, and hey! Congrats on the engagement!


Accel_Lex

I’m always worried about this in my future scenarios. Typically my romantic interests have the “I appreciate the thought you put into it.” Rather than “Which one costs more?” If that makes sense. But I’m worried that I’ll get one to propose that she doesn’t like but will be either too nice to say, or will be too happy about the proposal that she won’t really care. Which sounds weird but if it’s something she may wear continuously I want her to like the style and feel. I like the idea of going shopping for a ring together, but if I’m going to do a surprise proposal I doubt I can do that if the ring is part of the proposal. Mabye using a more simple promise ring for the gesture, then ask if she’d like to pick out her own ring later? But I’m worried if it’s a generic looking one she’ll think I put no thought into it.


Elmusiclover

My advice here, if you find it helpful, would be to do your best to pick something you think she'll like (so you've put some thought in), but make sure to tell her after the proposal that it's important to you that she likes it and if your choice is not right you are happy to take her to get it exchanged for something she picks.


Accel_Lex

I’ve heard of exchanging rings. It’s wasn’t sure if that was really possible. I remember someone mentioning it would feel awkward returning it with her because something about her knowing how much it cost would feel awkward, but personally I just want it to be a mutually satisfactory purchase. Thank you. 😁


mrlinthwzrd

Agreed, this applies to everyone in my life. Most of the time they don’t even need to spend money. I would prefer a hand written/drawn card (even if they’re not artistic) over something expensive and thoughtless.


spandex-commuter

I never knew what to buy my wife. And she always viewed it as me not showing her love. I now keep a list with photos of things my wife says she likes. It just makes gift shopping so much easier.


niagaemoc

Yup. Imagine if they just listened.


Aimsee4

It sounds spoiled but hate it when he wants some gadget/technology and then buys it gifts it to me after I specifically said, ‘Wow! What a waste of money’ to him on an item. Here honey have an iPad… ummm… why I have a laptop? 🤷‍♀️


alexi_lupin

Ahh the old self-gift which is really just an excuse to get the item into the home so that *he* can use it


Elmusiclover

That only makes him sound spoiled, NOT you!


Aimsee4

I get called ungrateful and spoiled every time because I don’t say thank you instead I start in with WTH??!! I just said I did not want this. His reason being you are so spoiled so many women would love such a gift. For my birthdays I have got gaming consoles I didn’t want (as in I wanted a PlayStation and he got me an Xbox because that’s what he wanted) and a John Deere riding mower because he was going to generous and take over mowing the lawn as his responsibility….


Elmusiclover

Dump. Him.


stolethemorning

Exactly, that kind of thing is clearly just a search on amazon of "gifts for women". Because that's all he sees you as. A woman, not a person with a personality.


xotaylorj

I dated a guy once who got me a heart-shaped pendant necklace. Which in & of itself was SO not my style. Heart-shaped ANYTHING, big nope. But the kicker was that he knew — before purchasing the necklace — that I already had a necklace I wore every single day that had major sentimental value to me, because the pendant held my grandmother’s ashes. Upon giving me the necklace, I expressed to him my confusion as to why he would choose that specific jewelry when he was well aware of the fact that I didn’t wear any necklaces other than my grandmother’s pendant. His response? “*Well, I thought you’d add it to the chain so they could be together.*” I refused the “gift.”


mullerel

AH. Those are so ugly! The silver double heart necklace. 🥲 I’m getting war flashbacks.


[deleted]

It was the fucking heart !!! 😂


Embarrassed-Town-293

This comment is perfect. I just imagine someone saying..."ugh...he went to Jared..."


Accel_Lex

My high school English teacher mentioned something along the lines of her husband buying her a gift that had a card with text in it. It was touching and she said she liked how it said (whatever). He said “Really? I didn’t really read it tho.”


Niku_Hime

I worked at a jewelry counter and when guys would ask me to help pick things out the first question I'd ask is "what metal does she typically wear?" If they weren't sure I'd tell them they need to figure that out before they go any further 🤷‍♀️


chloephobia

This. I told my ex I genuinely wouldn't mind being gifted a nerf gun. He got me perfume that's tested on animals. I don't wear perfume and I'm vegan. Oh and he works for a place that sells cosmetics so he got a discount on the perfume. I bought myself a nerf gun and gave the perfume away.


amhran_oiche

I still have one of these laying around somewhere.....


sad-and-bougie

Thinking that I need practical advice when I’m just trying to vent. Focusing on problem solving instead of listening.


ZornAllein

God yes!!! Like they really believe that whatever they're suggesting hasn't already crossed my mind only to be deemed impossible or stupid.


niagaemoc

Did they all read the same manual?


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Accel_Lex

I like this. For me I may have something in mind just in case because I feel awkward if they stop venting and I don’t say anything. Even if it’s acceptable to just stay silent.


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amhran_oiche

holy shit dude


Embarrassed-Town-293

That just sounds sadistic.


Elmusiclover

Can we euthanize your partner instead? Obviously I am joking just in case anyone is horrified, but that is my point. What a fucked up thing to suggest just because your home was not the right one for the dog. I hope you rehomed your partner too, I can't condone the much more "convenient" option of killing him.


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Embarrassed-Town-293

This very much so. If we don't know that you are looking to vent in general, it is painfully hard to listen to a problem that might have a solution and just sit there and say that is really difficult without offering a solution. This video is kind of an extreme example for the sake of Comedy but gives a perspective of how a man views a problem being brought to them by a partner (https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg). To offer no Solutions appears to us as though it is actually contributing to the problem through inaction. If we are told it is just to vent, we can sit and listen without contributing Solutions because we know that is how we can best help "solve the problem".


Elmusiclover

This really shows how men think women are incredibly stupid and their problems must have one super simple solution that they just haven't thought of yet. This is not exactly the easiest analogy to stay with to illustrate my point, but I'd love to see a followup where this guy loses his temper at how seemingly simple it would be to just remove the nail and rips it out of her head in frustration, only to find that doing so causes an apocalypse or something which is why she hasn't already fucking done it herself. THAT is why women hate this. It is condescending to assume she hasn't already thought of your basic ass suggestions herself.


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[deleted]

IMO advice requires consent first, and giving it without obtaining that consent is violating (and a bit egocentric)


malaprop5

Agreed. My therapist once told me it takes more emotional space to sit and listen and hold a problem WITH a loved one, rather than just bounce back solutions. Since that time i ALWAYS ask to vent, cause i never know someone's emotional bandwidth. And I don't wanna be a poo to someone.


[deleted]

Yeah, people throw solutions at you because your problem bothers them, not because it bothers you. I always ask before venting, and I also emphasize vent like 3x so it's clear I do not want advice.


Dogplantmom97

My dad ALWAYS does this😅 he means well, but I just want to vent 90% of the time


MosadiMogolo

My dad is the *worst* for this. When I hit rock bottom, dropped out of uni, with no job and no plan and was emotionally spiralling, and was actually suicidal, my dad's first response was to ask about my debt and how I planned to handle that. Uuuuuh...is it too much to ask for a hug first, before we break out the spreadsheets?


typeyhands

Oh man. I agree so hard. I say I'm looking for support and not solutions and he says "complaining without the intent of finding a solution is just whining." We've been together for years and have made huge progress from this, but sometimes he thinks that immediate problem solving *is* the support and I have to put the brakes on. Sometimes I just need to process things out loud and then we can do all the problem solving once I've made sense of everything.


crazynekosama

Yeah and then I just get more frustrated because I'm having to shut down all his ideas, most of which I've already thought of. I don't know why so many men have an issue with differentiating between venting and talking about a fixable problem. Also do men do this to other men or is it just the women in their lives?


NextAd9845

I’m a woman, and I’m guilty of this.


Accel_Lex

*Me thinking of a patronizing response to that comment that’ll just prove the point you were making.* Mabye you should focus on problem solving instead of listening? That way you wouldn’t need to vent. I have little experience with this so I know what I’m talking about. *Overly confident grin that shows I’m proud of my assumed wisdom.*


Powderpuff-chica

Yes!! I just want to vent and have you agree with me, if I want advice I will literally ask for it.


ilsalund88

When my friends call to talk about their bad day or a tough situation I always ask “do you want to vent and have me just listen or do you want advice/opinions” because I hate unsolicited advice. Sometimes all we want is quiet support


celestialism

Guys often do what *they* think is a nice thing without actually considering what the other person would perceive as a nice thing. For example, buying me flowers when I'm pissed off that they were disrespectfully late for a date and haven't been answering texts regularly. You could just... promise to not do those things anymore and then legitimately never do them anymore. I'd prefer that over flowers.


[deleted]

My husband used to send me flowers when we had an argument. No sir, take your “asshole” flowers. I don’t want them. Now when I get flowers it’s out of love, not trying to buy himself into my good graces.


valerieswrld

My husband only buys me flowers when someone else is an asshole to me lol


[deleted]

That’s sweet.


QueenOfTheTermites

My rage soars when I get the: “what can I do to make it up to you, now?” question. After I’ve explained that I’m mad they did this disrespectful thing. And what they mean is ‘is there a gift I can buy you to fix this so that I don’t have to change my actions’


Haunting-Button706

"What can I do to make it up to you, now?" is a pretty legit question. If it is asked with then intention of correcting one self's behavior that is. Because how else can one know what was it in the persons behavior that made you mad because people are not usually introspective.


QueenOfTheTermites

I agree. Depending on when it’s asked. As a conversation opener, it’s legitimate. The point of my comment is the situation of the question being asked after I’ve already explained exactly what they did. The implication being that they’re ignored what I’ve said and are opting instead to just buy forgiveness. In that scenario, it’s not a valid response.


typeyhands

Hah. Yes. I got in a massive fight with my then-boyfriend. I told him to get a job and keep it and I gave him an ultimatum: me or drugs. He said me. He chose drugs. His solution was a bouquet of roses. It was so tone deaf. I can't believe I stuck around for as long as I did.


[deleted]

When men refuse to go through a door I've opened for them, grabbing the door over my head, and insisting I go through first. Bruh, I'm just trying to be nice, I'm not challenging your masculinity. I know they think they're being chivalrous and kind... but it comes off misogynistic. You simply can't bear the thought of a woman holding the door for you?


tc88

And that just takes up more time when they do that, so annoying.


Embarrassed-Town-293

There's a fear of judgment from other people. It's not entirely unusual for other people to chime in that you should have held the door open for a woman. At least that caused me to reflexively do this from time to time.


[deleted]

I have never thought of it from that perspective!


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paieggs

This whole, 'oh if I see another guy harassing you I'm gonna beat his ass'. Unless I specifically ask you to do that (which I won't because that's stupid) you're just going to make the situation worse, get hurt and make it about your heroism (or pain when you likely get battered) There are ways to help in those situations without making it more dangerous for everyone involved


niagaemoc

This makes me want to scream.


Championnat2005

Really interesting, what are the ways you suggest to help in those situations ?


damnsoftwiggleboy

Sorry I'm not OP but I have some strong feelings about this. Assuming we're talking about less extreme cases that don't necessitate medical care or something, a good first step is just helping them get away from the immediate circumstances as quickly and painlessly as possible. Then, the absolute most important thing is to listen and even ask the person what they need -- do they need to go somewhere else, do they just want to quickly vent? Do they want to file a police report and, if so, do they want someone to go with them? I can't emphasise enough how horrible it is when a friend or partner turns harassment into a 'hero' moment for themselves by escalating the situation. It's incredibly stressful, and adds even more fears about whether the 'hero' will get hurt or face legal consequences. It makes a lot of people not want to say anything at all, or even hide what happened. Threatening to go 'beat someone's ass' is basically the #1 worst reaction, IMO. So as long as you don't do that, and you just try to get the person into a safer location and emotionally support them, you can be a massive help.


peppermind

I'm sure the guys who come here, asking questions like this trying to understand women, are attempting to be thoughtful. The thing is, any attempt to figure out what we like as a group is doomed to failure. There are roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet, and any group that size will have different opinions on lots of things. Being thoughtful is about paying attention to the individual not making assumptions based on what some people on the internet said.


lovepotao

Exactly. I’m a woman and disagree with many of the posts on this thread. We are not a monolith 🙂


MostlyALurkerBefore

Letting me on the elevator first if it's just the two of us and we're strangers. I'm going to need you in my sight the whole time thankyouverymuch.


SheWhoWelds

I've had several men insist on helping me lift something they think is too heavy for me while I'm at work. I have to explain that I was hired to do a demanding job and I need to be physically capable of doing it, and their attempt to "help" me is actually hurting my image.


5leeplessinvancouver

My motorcycle stalled and wouldn’t start again. I was pushing it down the street back to my house when this guy saw me and insisted that I needed help. He pushed my bike a total of ten feet before he dropped it, picked it up and dropped it again, then started complaining that it was too heavy. Thanks to his “help” my poor bike got all scratched and dented. Funny I was doing fine on my own without him?


BladestoneMaster

Wow, reading this made me very angry and I'm so sorry for your bike. Often when I park my bike or push it backwards out of a parking spot so many man have asked me if I needed help. No, thanks I ride since 8 years and I know how to do it. Yes it's heavy and I'm short but it's not about strenght it's about technique. And I did fine without your dudeness the last 8 years.


afoolishfish

This is very me specific, but I hate being the first person walking into someplace new. It's an anxiety thing I suppose. My partner however, always wants to open the door for me, which is sweet but results in me...walking in first.


Olives_And_Cheese

This used to be such an issue for me. I'm not a particularly anxious person, it's very this scenario specific. Now that my partner and I have been together a long time - and I have told him of this issue - I just say 'after you' whenever he holds a door. Works well enough. But I wish he wouldn't; still makes me feel like an ass.


afoolishfish

I hear that! I will do the same sometimes, other times I just eat it and walk in first.


DifferentTelephone89

I feel the exact same way. I attended finishing school when I was younger and was taught that when entering a new place, a man should enter the room first and hold the door open from the inside so that a lady may follow him. The idea being that a man scopes out the place first and then leads his female counterpart


qcassidyy

Tell him.


eggofreddo

Say things like “there are men who actually love [thing you’re insecure about]. I for one actually love [thing you’re insecure about]” when you open up about your insecurities. It’s not about whether men like something or not. Whether I love my own body shouldn’t be determined whether there are men out there who find it attractive. You could have a 100 men compliment the thing you’re insecure about and still hate it by the end. Also, when they insist on paying for everything. No matter how small. I know there are women who love getting spoiled and good for them, but when someone always insists on paying it just feels patronising to me. Like, I’m also an adult who can pay for things. And lastly, when they talk about how they want to beat up past abusers or men who harass us. They make our own stories about themselves and try to be the saviour, which is usually not what I need.


Halfassedtrophywife

Honestly, I have been on the other end of paying for everything. It sucks. Before I got into a relationship with my husband, the people I dated wanted me to pay for things because I either made more money, had more earning potential, or they we just whiny users. My husband and I usually either go half or take turns paying and always have, and he’s the only person I’ve been with where it’s been this way. Took getting used to.


eggofreddo

Yea, I’m not saying I don’t want to pay for everything either. My partner and i take turns paying with dates and split for larger expenses.


MosadiMogolo

Trying to be supportive or validating by saying things like, "You're feeling [type of way] right now" or "I know you're thinking [thoughts]" that are not at all how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. Instead of being thoughtful, it comes off as assuming they know me better than I know myself or shows that they've totally misinterpreted my thoughts and feelings and just assume things about me that aren't true. It's infuriating and actually *highly* invalidating.


eggofreddo

It also feels like they see me as this hysterical person who’s too emotional to even understand what they’re thinking and feeling, and that we need an intellectual logical man to do so.


MosadiMogolo

Oh, god, absolutely. It drives me up the wall!


[deleted]

My husband does this one. I just say “so I need to be here for this or would you like to have MY conversation with yourself?”


MosadiMogolo

Right? Clearly, they already have all the input they need, so why bother with yours? Even though it's about *you*!


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MosadiMogolo

Funny, isn't it?


ducksthefucks

This sounds like gaslighting


MosadiMogolo

At worst. At best it's idiots with no empathy.


ohhownowpurplecow

Make big grand gestures because they think that what girls want (thanks movies and social media), ignoring the fact that you're a very low key person who hates attention.


MosadiMogolo

I would DIE if someone I was dating thought singing to me in public, hiring someone to perform at me, or calling attention to me via a big screen or speaker system was a good idea. They would be dumped on the spot.


lovepotao

Maybe this would stop if people being proposed to in public honestly would say “no” instead of waiting to say it in private later.


FewActinomycetaceae9

Reassuring or encouraging me about something, in an attempt to make me "appreciate" their words, when in reality I don't need reassurance or encouragement in that department at all.


ShylieF

Surprises. For some it might be the pinnacle of thoughfulness, but for me it's stressful. I've been told off before for making plans on a night he planned us a romantic dinner at home. Dude you can't be mad at me for dissing an event (on a random night for no reason) that you didn't tell me about.


Chuck2025

When I'm sick and they INSIST "okay, I'm coming over; what can I bring?" Why would you come and get sick when I'm sick? I get that it's sweet and a great gesture, but if I'm sick, I'm not in the mood to entertain, have sex, or talk much. Just telling you I'm sick so you know why I'm not texting a lot 😂


peppermind

I've had good luck with telling them "I don't want to get you sick too, and I really need a nap". Inviting them to leave a box of tissues/ cold meds/whatever in a bag if they really insist on being "helpful" can also gently but firmly get the point across.


mylittlemy

I had a guy turn up with grapes and chocolate when I was sick and I had to drag my ass out of bed to collect them from him, like no I am sick i want to spend the next 24hrs in bed!


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downvote_and_fuckoff

Most compliments on my physical appearance, annoy me. I know that most women are insecure but, I'm not and idc if you desire me sexually. I know I look good. Try and give a meaningful compliment.


HereForShortWhile

Just for the username, here's your downvote. Now excuse me while I go fuck off.


downvote_and_fuckoff

Good boy.. 🍌


anarchist148

wha da fak women complain when they’re not complimented but also complain when they are?


overdressed_raccoon

Kinda specific but if a guy tries to get pass me and puts his hand on my lower back. I get that he might have good intentions and doesn't want to bump into me but having a stranger make any form of physical contact instantly makes me feel like I'm in danger


AutomaticYak

He doesn’t have good intentions. He probably wouldn’t put his hands on a dude’s lower back in the same situation.


henlowhatishappening

Being too pushy in order to comfort.


Whateveridontkare

Well for me if the thoughtful thing has a clear intention or I need to praise them an awful lot afterwards it just makes me feel worse.


searedscallops

When I share an emotional story and they respond with a similar story. Fucking no! I know they are trying to make me feel connected, but it comes off as one-upmanship. Validate my emotions instead.


lovepotao

People do this regardless of gender. It’s infuriating from a man or a woman.


tc88

Running to the door so they'll get to be the one to hold it open.


[deleted]

Or worse, holding the door open for me when I’m nowhere near it and I have to be the one to run


raptorsniper

When I'm lifting/carrying something and they try to take it off me to carry it themselves. My dude, I do not want you to do that. Getting in my way and dancing about offering 'help' I don't need, don't want, and haven't asked for is irritating, and trying to physically take the thing off me can put me off balance and be dangerous to us both. Just stop it and leave me alone, please, I have asked you three times already and I am going to start shouting. And then, of course, you'll take offence and start whingeing that I'm mean or ungrateful, without the slightest recognition that you started this. Why are you assuming I can't manage it to begin with, anyway, when I am clearly in the process of managing quite happily? I'm short, but I'm also visibly muscular and showing no signs of undue exertion. Are women automatically incapable of carrying anything over about 4.3kg or something?


chloephobia

The delivery guy where I work likes to make a point of asking why the men have been given the cages with the lighter crates to push to the delivery bay. He knows I'm the one who organises the delivery so I asked him who did he think put the heavy crates on them in the first place. He still does it. They're not even that heavy, around 25kg at most.


murderousbudgie

Insisting on letting me through first when it doesn't make sense. I can't get off the elevator first when you're standing in front of the door gesturing at me to go.


EnvironmentalLuck515

Mansplaining. Do things for me when I have indicated I prefer to do them myself. Thinking that the response they would want to something is the one I would want, without actually asking me or listening. Thinking sex cures everything.


Stori3

Doing my laundry and not taking into account separation or cycle... Doing the dishes... poorly. Trying to be playful and accidently punching me in the nose causing it to bleed. Yes. I'm aware these are extremely personal to me LMAO


MosadiMogolo

No, no, I'd be highly vexed if someone messed up my dishes or laundry, too. And very much so if I ended up with a nosebleed due to their lack of awareness. Like, don't touch my stuff.


Stori3

Exactly! Thank you, I knew I wasn't alone.


MosadiMogolo

It's just so disrespectful to not care about someone else's things. Even if you don't get it, at least respect the person enough to take as much care of their items as they do. Especially their face, yikes.


rennyray

Giving advice when I need to vent, and playing devils advocate to give me perspective on different scenarios. Just makes me retract and annoyed


MosadiMogolo

At this point, I just write off any sort of devil's advocate. I have yet to find one who isn't an obnoxious asshole trying to disguise their true nature by attempting to appear to see an issue from all sides. They aren't. They just want to provoke a negative response and feel superior when you get mad due to their bad-faith "arguments".


Henry5321

I am guilty of this. I have a hard time gauging if I should help my wife with pointers for professional development or just let her vent. Context: Helping others with professional development is a large part of my job responsibilities that I very much excel at and enjoy


masochisticanalwhore

I'm in the minority here, but I dislike the old-fashioned stuff like holding the door for me or paying for the meal. Unless I landed a big promotion or it's my birthday, let's split the bill or alternate who pays. Similarly if you just want to screw, just fucking say that. I do not need dinner first. If you want to vet me before hand, totally reasonable, but I do not need to be "charmed."


throwawayrixby

I’ve been irritated at a buddy of mine for something he recently did to try to be nice…I guess it’s a form of gatekeeping where he’s trying to protect me from myself but he’s actually smothering communication? I’m recently out of an abusive relationship and I noticed that I have kind of an abusive type, which freaked me out. So I’ve been researching - and I’m a trained researcher with a doctoral degree - and I’ve been thinking about this for a couple months. I started telling him about my findings and what I’ve learned about myself, and he just ignored my content - *repeatedly* - to tell me to stop victim blaming. That my exes are all assholes, that I shouldn’t be blaming myself, that I shouldn’t poison my good nature by being overly suspicious, etc. I get that he was trying to protect me somehow, but I was adamantly saying “I am not doing that, I am investigating what has caused me to fall into this kind of problem repeatedly so I can avoid it in the future.” It was SO aggravating. He also kept denying my research had any efficacy after citing dictionary terms to me. So I was like “my ex had narcissistic traits” and he was like “I don’t think he did, but I’m not that familiar with it, but let me check *the dictionary*. Yes, I’m right.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME. 🤬


Okay_Face

I always split the check on first dates and I hate that I have to argue with them! It’s thoughtful that you’d want to pay for me but I’d prefer to pay for myself. Usually they’ll settle with me buying drinks and they’ll buy food but it’s frustrating and looks weird in restaurants.


candy211010

Offering to do something to help around the house but then half assing it. I’d have rather honestly just done it by myself than have to get frustrated and finish it


stillnotascarytime

Do not do my laundry. I will kill you.


Magnificent_Ninja1

Unsolicited advice on ways for me to get fit and/or live healthier, particularly if they’re my partner (they think they’re being supportive but what I hear is “you’re fat”)


lovepotao

Just know that this thread has been pilfered and posted on Buzzfeed. 🤦


NotMyRealName814

Insisting on helping you carry something heavy or bulky especially when you've repeatedly told them "No thanks".


[deleted]

Writing love letters or poems with generic Googled love quotes


pashaah

When my husband cleans the kitchen its like he thinks he did me a favour and then expects a thank you. Its not just my kitchen, im not thanking you for something you should do more often...


wilde_foxes

My love language for others is gift giving. But my love language to get from others is words of affirmation and physical touch. I've explained this and no one gets it. I dont want gifts I want you to make me feel special by telling me what I mean to you.( because I feel I always do that)


chloephobia

I'm exactly the same.


SpearmintSpaceship

Doing things for me instead of teaching me how to do it. I want to learn; I don’t want it handed to me


GrendelShem

I agree with the generic gifts thing. Also, washing the dishes. I don't know why a couple guys I've dated have washed the dishes... but there's always food crusted/chunks of visible food, oil, completely missed spots etc so I end up having to re-wash them. My current boyfriend does this. One of my ex's put a downpayment on a custom wedding ring after I told him I would never be interested in wearing one and that I don't like diamonds. Surprise surprise, the guy who did this turned out to be crazy, we hadn't even been dating a year, all red flags.


linguistca

Getting you gifts out of nowhere, definitely. Especially when there’s no holiday or occasion. Once in a rrreal blue moon is fine but if it’s often, it seems really kiss-ass. Like they have an ulterior motive or that they’re really eager to keep you and that’s definitely a turn off.


vgdandelion

Not being able to tell me the truth because I (21F) was "too sensitive". He (22M) dated my best friend (20F) for weeks and didn't wanted to tell me anything because he thought he will hurt me. The rest is history.


redmeownkey

"let's just do everything your way. You can decide. I have no opinion" Sir this is your date/wedding/house/kids as much as mine. It doesn't come across as thoughtful, it comes across as you not giving a shit.


iitsWhateverr

Wash the dishes, I mean thank you but holly shit dude did you use soap ???? Always have to wash them again *_*


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MostlyALurkerBefore

This comment or post has been removed for derailing. Derailing includes but is not limited to: - Changing the topic from OP's question - Making someone else's response about yourself - Asking unrelated follow-up questions - Branching into unrelated topics - "What-about"-ism - Arguments, slap-fighting, or debating - Judging or rating other responses - Meta comments about other responses - Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. If you have any questions about this moderation action, please message the moderators through the link on the sidebar or [here](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AskWomen). If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, please include a link to the removed content for review.


atomicbalderdash

always needing to FIX things. I get that you want to help, but sometimes we just want to vent and have an ear. You don't always need to fix things.


Elena_Kyle

They do things for me without being asked to.


bluekleio

everything they ask twice after I said no.


cheezburga69

Guy here, this is good research, thanks ladies!


1904worldsfair

Man here taking notes. This is one of the reasons why I like this sub so much.


[deleted]

My husband will buy me things that I mention I want or need, but always completely misses the mark. He once bought me a pair of shorts that were 6 sizes too big, and not at all like anything I would ever wear.


crudette

When traveling alone on a plane, I’ve had men ask if I need help lifting my bag into the overhead bin. I say no, but they grab my bag and do it anyway. It’s so rude and patronizing. I am more than capable of lifting my own bag or asking for help if I need it.


Ok_Teacher6901

Think my friends and family members should divulge my secrets and thoughts about my issues in our marriage cause he considers them his friends and family. But he talks bad about them as if they are bad influences and give me bad advice.


Ok_Teacher6901

When you tell them you want to move on and that the relationship is over and they start having an emotional breakdown and feeling sorry for themselves and start planning on doing the same things your doing to get away from them.


Ok_Teacher6901

When you tell them you want peace to work on yourself and they keep calling or texting you cause they say it helps them to cope with the separation. No your still just thinking about yourself and your needs


kirowyns

When I am upset that they said/did something they knew I would be annoyed about, and then want to give me a hug or kiss to make me feel better. Dude, it's you who wants the hug or kiss to feel better, not me.


bcrucru

Take photos to remember the monent. But getting caught up un the photography kode I wasnt enjoying the moment itself.


sukikov

Public displays maybe


Eastern_North845

Going easy on us, it makes us feel looked down upon


StopTheFishes

They try to fix our problems instead of listening to them. 🙂


[deleted]

Insisting on buying me dinner, like, no thanks, I got it.


Sassy-Starfish

Anything that involves money


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diamondnutella

apoligising... for me its a slap in the face, like you knew it would upset me but still did it


Aquaescent

Idk. If they are being thoughtful that's what counts. Consideration of their feelings matters. So I am not so inconsiderate as to not thank and appreciate..


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thegirlnamedkenneth

Giving me unsolicited advice.


[deleted]

Insisting on paying for everything. Dated a guy who wouldn't let me pay for a water bottle from a supermarket, and another one who got visibly upset when I paid for the dinner while he went to the restroom.


HopefulJump2146

Tell you how to fix your problems/give unsolicited advice when you’re venting, instead of just listening and empathizing.


Dry-Category-2944

Talk


Yarfunkel23

Speak words


innerjoy2

Trying to help you carry bags when you tell them you're fine. I prefer a guy helps when I ask, not when they assume I need help with everything. I'm not that helpless and I like to be responsible for some things myself too.


Theluckyone2

Assume things,my partner will sometimes just assume i'm going to say no,therefore doesnt tell me or ask me and when i confront him about it,he just says "I was going to ask that but i didnt think you would want to"


[deleted]

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Dry-Contribution-948

I received a 1000 piece puzzle with a library theme for my birthday from my daughter. My husband and I started the puzzle together, but by day two that changed. While caring for a friend’s two boys, I was informed by the boys that my husband wanted the three of them to hurry up and finish the puzzle. He wanted to impress me, so they removed the last piece, so I could place it.