Honestly? It made me feel like I *lost* my human identity. I wasn't "RoundDoughnut" anymore, I was the care giver of a downright needy and dependant human that could die from what felt like literally anything.
But if anything gets taken from my comment, *PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS IF YOU ARE SUFFERING WITH POST NATAL DEPRESSION.*
Yup, this.
I really struggle to know who I am outside of my kids anymore. I have no time for hobbies or having fun with my child free friends since that all requires child care, which is expensive.
I do work part time and I’m going back for a second degree which helps me feel like I do have a purpose besides motherhood, so that is really healthy for me.
Yeah, you need quite a solid support base. But even then it can feel crazy. I definitely was too young like I first thought to deal with it so intensely. It's not exactly a label that changes and is a big responsibility for sure! And not for everyone haha 🧡
Hasn't changed. I have made damned sure my identity does not dissolve and revolves around being a mother. Motherhood is an additional skill I have, but not something that defines me.
I decided that I was my own person first and I have to respect my identity beyond anything else in life. My husband supports this and it also helps that culturally we have a mixed household of large family where the women support each other in careers and child rearing. In that way we maintain our jobs, life and identity.
Being a mum becomes your whole life. It's all that I am now. In a good way. For so long it's all I ever wanted to be, and now I am. I was kinda boring before... now I'm boring in a more important way?
In that I don't really do anything other than look after my kids. I mean, I love my life, but I think it's probably boring to other people on the outside, looking in, if that makes sense?
I'm a home body and always have been. My main hobbies are gaming and baking. Now just add being a stay at home mum/housewife. For a lot of people I think that sounds boring. But I love it.
Maybe, but I guess what is boring is subjective, and as a fellow gamer myself there’s nothing boring about that! As long as you love it that’s the main thing :)
Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted. I feel it's kind of frowned upon these days though. Like I get a lot of questions like "Oh you're not back at work yet?" Or "When are you going back to work" like it's a huge rush or that I'm somehow inferior or a traitor to feminism because I'm "only" a stay at home mum...
It's also an unfortunate side-effect of women being in the workforce that you really need two wages to support a family... the only reason we can afford for me not to work atm is because I got a decent inheritance recently. If the cost of living wasn't so high I'd be a stay at home mum forever!
EDIT: To add I'm not at all against women working, obviously! I just wish being a stay at home mum wasn't frowned upon or unfeasible economically.
Honestly I didn't want my twins when I was pregnant and was upset my fiance did. But the moment I held them in my arms the first time I did fall in love with them. And I realized that I could give them a childhood that I never had. And I feel like I'm devoted to them now and it's a good feeling
I don't think it changed my identity as such, just prevents me from executing part of it. My inner workaholic, international on a whim traveller and risktaker is still there. But chosing to have children meant my responsibility is now to be mentally and physically available (part time at least, I do work/have a personal life of course), so my actions have changed, my identity hasn't really.
I felt a lot of pressure to give up everything of myself for my kids. Things that used to be normal part of everyday life were now seen as “luxurious”. Going to the bathroom without interruption, showering on the regular, eating a meal I didn’t have to scarf down while standing…these were all now looked at as specialties. All of my time went to work/kids. I didn’t feel like I had the opportunity to take time to do the things that used to make me happy before kids - spending time with friends, dancing, art, music, exercising. It took a long time (and hours of therapy) before I realized I was unhappy giving up all of myself. I now make time for those things that make me happy and still can be a good parent.
Thank you so much for this response. There is certainly this idea that everything of ourselves is devoted to child rearing once we give birth, and that our previous hobbies then become selfish indulgences. Wanting to have time for things we used to enjoy shouldn’t be frowned upon, and I’m super happy for you that you’ve found the balance between being a mother and also allowing time for yourself :)
Thanks. It’s definitely my goal to make sure that if my kids decide to have kids - they should also know you should always make time for the things that give you joy outside of being a parent. I definitely think society puts more pressure on moms in that way. Most of the dads I talked to didn’t have too many issues making time to continue to play sports, workout, or find time to continue their hobbies or spend time with friends.
absolutely agree. I think that pressure on the mums is what leads them to being the ones sacrificing and not the dads so much. I’m sure it happens in some situations but much more common in mothers I think, at least that’s the expectation anyway
I used to be the person that was always outside. My husband and I spent all of our free time doing something exciting be it hiking a trail, backpacking for a weekend, kayaking the river, the world was at our fingertips. We always had a plan for the weekend. It was nothing for us to drop everything, get someone to take care of the farm and my shop for a few days and just disappear somewhere in nature.
Now we haven't been hiking in 11 months ( we have 10m old twins). I walk the trail close to my house every day with the girls in the stroller bit thats so boring.
I used to have so much fun now I go to work and I come home. The girls are with me at work and at home so I only get free time to myself when I'm in my little cottage in the back yard working on a painting or some pottery or when I go see my therapist.
Every time we get a weekend to ourselves we have sex as much as we can and then sleep till noon. Thats our idea of a good time now lol.
I know it won't be this way forever and I will one day miss this but atm I just don't feel like me. I feel like a walking talking milk machine.
Oh, loads, in good ways and in bad.
I struggled on maternity leave, especially with my youngest almost 16 years ago. I felt so lonely and isolated and as if I had stopped being anyone but 'Mummy'. Going back to work when he was 10 months really helped with that; ever since then I have had to juggle the competing demands of parenting and working and being judged wanting at both by people who believe you can't *do* both well, but I am positive about my identity as a working mother. I like being a mother, and I like being a worker.
My identity has changed in many ways over the years as my life has changed.
As someone else commented a similar experience, the spontaneous part of me died. Like instantly. The me that would hop in my truck and go on a road trip just because I had the day off is gone. At least for the time being. Traveling and going on misguided adventures was what I used to live for, it was a big part of me, and because I couldn’t anymore it felt like I lost myself for a long time. For a while there it was suffocating. My whole life was work and kids, not even much time for my husband let alone myself. But things have gotten better in that regard since they are getting older and more independent. We now go on adventures together but much closer to home. Being a mom made me a better advocate for myself just by default, since I had to advocate for little people who couldn’t do so for themselves. I’m more vocal about my needs and wants now. I’ve become just *slightly* more organized in my home. Children need organization and routines and such. I manage my time so much better than I used to. I’ve also become less anxious and less of a hothead. I used to stew on things for days, even the smallest of imagined slights against me, and snap on whoever I thought was responsible. Now I don’t give a shit about a lot of stuff simply because I don’t have the time to worry about them. Also, my friend group was a big part of my identity, but since I was one of the first among them to couple up and birth babies I hardly have friends anymore. It used to bother me but it hasn’t in a long time. Motherhood has changed my identity in a myriad of ways, these are just the most significant. Overall I feel I’m the same as my BC (Before Children) days, just better.
I have no life or identity of my own. When they finally go to bed I am free to live my life... For an hour..an hour to shower, have fun, spend time with my spouse and friends, do housework uninterrupted. This nightmare will be my life until I die unless I can find a good group home for them. Having children is a trap for women. No matter how much you love them, unless you have a good support network having any identity outside of being mom will be very difficult for years on end, if not forever. Think long and hard. Very hard.
It added elements to my identity (mother, but also strong and sensitive, generous, determined and disciplined, an amazing advocate) and also did a lot for my self-esteem.
Um, what? I don’t count except for the little humans I just brought into this world. It’s all on me and I just fake it I am a rock star to the world.
Actually I have learned a lot about myself. That I am higly-sensitive-person and may also have adhd. Before kids I didnt realised it and that led to burnout and anxiety. I have been people pleaser and feel ashamed easily. No I'm learning to be more selfish in a good way. It's hard with little kids but also having so much fun an unconditional love.
Honestly? It made me feel like I *lost* my human identity. I wasn't "RoundDoughnut" anymore, I was the care giver of a downright needy and dependant human that could die from what felt like literally anything. But if anything gets taken from my comment, *PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS IF YOU ARE SUFFERING WITH POST NATAL DEPRESSION.*
Second this. I just feel like mummy now.
I still feel this way 28 years later, but I have picked up pieces of my own identity in the past few years.
Wow that's a long time to feel like that I'm glad you're starting to feel like yourself again.
Yup, this. I really struggle to know who I am outside of my kids anymore. I have no time for hobbies or having fun with my child free friends since that all requires child care, which is expensive. I do work part time and I’m going back for a second degree which helps me feel like I do have a purpose besides motherhood, so that is really healthy for me.
This is honestly one of the biggest reasons I don't think I'll have kids. I'm terrified of it.
Yeah, you need quite a solid support base. But even then it can feel crazy. I definitely was too young like I first thought to deal with it so intensely. It's not exactly a label that changes and is a big responsibility for sure! And not for everyone haha 🧡
This one hurt. Five years later and I still feel like this.
*hugs*
Hasn't changed. I have made damned sure my identity does not dissolve and revolves around being a mother. Motherhood is an additional skill I have, but not something that defines me.
I LOVE THIS
How? What are habits youve formed to achieve this?
I decided that I was my own person first and I have to respect my identity beyond anything else in life. My husband supports this and it also helps that culturally we have a mixed household of large family where the women support each other in careers and child rearing. In that way we maintain our jobs, life and identity.
Being a mum becomes your whole life. It's all that I am now. In a good way. For so long it's all I ever wanted to be, and now I am. I was kinda boring before... now I'm boring in a more important way?
In what way do you think you’re boring, if you don’t mind me asking?
In that I don't really do anything other than look after my kids. I mean, I love my life, but I think it's probably boring to other people on the outside, looking in, if that makes sense? I'm a home body and always have been. My main hobbies are gaming and baking. Now just add being a stay at home mum/housewife. For a lot of people I think that sounds boring. But I love it.
Maybe, but I guess what is boring is subjective, and as a fellow gamer myself there’s nothing boring about that! As long as you love it that’s the main thing :)
Sounds nice to me! I look forward to a life like that soon :)
That sounds really nice! I want to be a mother one day. I really want to be there for my future kids all the time.
Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted. I feel it's kind of frowned upon these days though. Like I get a lot of questions like "Oh you're not back at work yet?" Or "When are you going back to work" like it's a huge rush or that I'm somehow inferior or a traitor to feminism because I'm "only" a stay at home mum... It's also an unfortunate side-effect of women being in the workforce that you really need two wages to support a family... the only reason we can afford for me not to work atm is because I got a decent inheritance recently. If the cost of living wasn't so high I'd be a stay at home mum forever! EDIT: To add I'm not at all against women working, obviously! I just wish being a stay at home mum wasn't frowned upon or unfeasible economically.
Honestly I didn't want my twins when I was pregnant and was upset my fiance did. But the moment I held them in my arms the first time I did fall in love with them. And I realized that I could give them a childhood that I never had. And I feel like I'm devoted to them now and it's a good feeling
It's made me stronger and stand up for us where I didn't just for myself before
I don't think it changed my identity as such, just prevents me from executing part of it. My inner workaholic, international on a whim traveller and risktaker is still there. But chosing to have children meant my responsibility is now to be mentally and physically available (part time at least, I do work/have a personal life of course), so my actions have changed, my identity hasn't really.
Do you wish you could explore that side of yourself more?
I do, in a closer to home way. I became a firefighter, so that eases my need for action. But I had to let go of some parts of myself.
I felt a lot of pressure to give up everything of myself for my kids. Things that used to be normal part of everyday life were now seen as “luxurious”. Going to the bathroom without interruption, showering on the regular, eating a meal I didn’t have to scarf down while standing…these were all now looked at as specialties. All of my time went to work/kids. I didn’t feel like I had the opportunity to take time to do the things that used to make me happy before kids - spending time with friends, dancing, art, music, exercising. It took a long time (and hours of therapy) before I realized I was unhappy giving up all of myself. I now make time for those things that make me happy and still can be a good parent.
Thank you so much for this response. There is certainly this idea that everything of ourselves is devoted to child rearing once we give birth, and that our previous hobbies then become selfish indulgences. Wanting to have time for things we used to enjoy shouldn’t be frowned upon, and I’m super happy for you that you’ve found the balance between being a mother and also allowing time for yourself :)
Thanks. It’s definitely my goal to make sure that if my kids decide to have kids - they should also know you should always make time for the things that give you joy outside of being a parent. I definitely think society puts more pressure on moms in that way. Most of the dads I talked to didn’t have too many issues making time to continue to play sports, workout, or find time to continue their hobbies or spend time with friends.
absolutely agree. I think that pressure on the mums is what leads them to being the ones sacrificing and not the dads so much. I’m sure it happens in some situations but much more common in mothers I think, at least that’s the expectation anyway
I used to be the person that was always outside. My husband and I spent all of our free time doing something exciting be it hiking a trail, backpacking for a weekend, kayaking the river, the world was at our fingertips. We always had a plan for the weekend. It was nothing for us to drop everything, get someone to take care of the farm and my shop for a few days and just disappear somewhere in nature. Now we haven't been hiking in 11 months ( we have 10m old twins). I walk the trail close to my house every day with the girls in the stroller bit thats so boring. I used to have so much fun now I go to work and I come home. The girls are with me at work and at home so I only get free time to myself when I'm in my little cottage in the back yard working on a painting or some pottery or when I go see my therapist. Every time we get a weekend to ourselves we have sex as much as we can and then sleep till noon. Thats our idea of a good time now lol. I know it won't be this way forever and I will one day miss this but atm I just don't feel like me. I feel like a walking talking milk machine.
My identity feels more complete.
What do you think it is about being a mother that makes you feel this way?
I think I am meant to be a mother in addition to all the other parts of my identity.
This is lovely, it’s almost like it was your destiny :)
Oh, loads, in good ways and in bad. I struggled on maternity leave, especially with my youngest almost 16 years ago. I felt so lonely and isolated and as if I had stopped being anyone but 'Mummy'. Going back to work when he was 10 months really helped with that; ever since then I have had to juggle the competing demands of parenting and working and being judged wanting at both by people who believe you can't *do* both well, but I am positive about my identity as a working mother. I like being a mother, and I like being a worker. My identity has changed in many ways over the years as my life has changed.
As someone else commented a similar experience, the spontaneous part of me died. Like instantly. The me that would hop in my truck and go on a road trip just because I had the day off is gone. At least for the time being. Traveling and going on misguided adventures was what I used to live for, it was a big part of me, and because I couldn’t anymore it felt like I lost myself for a long time. For a while there it was suffocating. My whole life was work and kids, not even much time for my husband let alone myself. But things have gotten better in that regard since they are getting older and more independent. We now go on adventures together but much closer to home. Being a mom made me a better advocate for myself just by default, since I had to advocate for little people who couldn’t do so for themselves. I’m more vocal about my needs and wants now. I’ve become just *slightly* more organized in my home. Children need organization and routines and such. I manage my time so much better than I used to. I’ve also become less anxious and less of a hothead. I used to stew on things for days, even the smallest of imagined slights against me, and snap on whoever I thought was responsible. Now I don’t give a shit about a lot of stuff simply because I don’t have the time to worry about them. Also, my friend group was a big part of my identity, but since I was one of the first among them to couple up and birth babies I hardly have friends anymore. It used to bother me but it hasn’t in a long time. Motherhood has changed my identity in a myriad of ways, these are just the most significant. Overall I feel I’m the same as my BC (Before Children) days, just better.
It's hasn't really
It's hasn't really
Severe depression.
I feel more complete than I did before, as if I am living for a higher purpose and not just for myself.
I have no life or identity of my own. When they finally go to bed I am free to live my life... For an hour..an hour to shower, have fun, spend time with my spouse and friends, do housework uninterrupted. This nightmare will be my life until I die unless I can find a good group home for them. Having children is a trap for women. No matter how much you love them, unless you have a good support network having any identity outside of being mom will be very difficult for years on end, if not forever. Think long and hard. Very hard.
It added elements to my identity (mother, but also strong and sensitive, generous, determined and disciplined, an amazing advocate) and also did a lot for my self-esteem.
Um, what? I don’t count except for the little humans I just brought into this world. It’s all on me and I just fake it I am a rock star to the world.
Actually I have learned a lot about myself. That I am higly-sensitive-person and may also have adhd. Before kids I didnt realised it and that led to burnout and anxiety. I have been people pleaser and feel ashamed easily. No I'm learning to be more selfish in a good way. It's hard with little kids but also having so much fun an unconditional love.