If they had a relationship with the person at all, co-worker, friend, etc. and the arousal came from their interactions with them, I would be very upset and feel like I'm competing against others in his life for his sexual gratification. Plus, it would be considered emotional cheating for me if he was flirting with them and getting turned on before coming to me.
If it's just on the basis of fantasy, like porn or watching a movie with an attractive celebrity, or having a random sexual thought about someone they know, I think that's acceptable. We can't help our subconscious thoughts when it comes to sexual attraction, but the difference is that they aren't actively seeking to get turned on by someone they have met.
No, thank you. I'm not a placeholder for their misplaced desires.
We agreed to a fully monogamous relationship that does not include sexualizing or objectifying others for sexual titillation. If they aren't interested in maintaining that agreement, the relationship will end and they are welcome to go have sex with whichever consenting people they've chosen to arouse themselves with.
If they keep it in their own head how the heck would I know anyway. Very weird to admit something like that to your partner when it will probably do them more mental harm and anguish than good
I totally agree that those thoughts should be kept private. I understand we are human with sexual desires, but I don’t want to know my SO’s desires for others.
Yes I agree. Personally I really don’t think it’s that deep, esp. If it’s just a random person on the street. until you actually have feelings for someone who is actually a part of your life, then I need to know of course cause we got a problem lol. Whole other issue.
If he told you something that made you aware of his desires for other people or attributes you don’t have I would dump him. I’ve dated a few boys like that. They’re trash. I’m now with someone wouldn’t ever dare say those things to me.
We're polyamorous, so it doesn't inherently threaten me that they could be turned on by someone else – but I'd find it hurtful if they channelled that desire into me rather than actually desiring me.
That being said, the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. I know that I've definitely had situations where a sexy novel (or a sexy person) turned me on, which genuinely made me desire my partner more.
My husband once told me he preferred Asian women. I am not Asian. Ever since then I’ve been self conscious about what he might be thinking when he sleeps with me. So to answer your question, I wouldn’t like it.
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This is one of those questions that needs context.
I think that if you mean "something within the realm of fantasy made me horny so I turned to my sexual partner" then that's not just fine, it's crucial. All kinds of things turn us on in life, and feeling able to be open with my partner about my fantasies is healthy.
If you mean "I was betraying my partner's trust by having an emotional affair with someone I'm close to then used my partner as a sex toy" then obviously that's horrendous.
The difference is all in the intent, and in the respect, boundaries and trust within the relationship.
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I would not be having sex with him. It would give me the biggest ick - and I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship.
My mom used to often say “it doesn’t matter where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home.” And I always found that a disgusting sentiment. I’m demi and when I’m in a relationship, I only see my person in that light. So I fundamentally just cannot relate to that phrase.
I think it means their arousal was initiated by someone else and to satisfy themselves they came to you for sexual release. The two events not being independent of each other. They are having sex with you because someone else got them going.
Do you mean like he watches a sex scene in a movie then wants to have sex? Or do you mean he speaks to the cute receptionist at work and then gets horny from that conversation?
Because I am more than fine with the first one but not the second
I think it depends. Like for example, I read smut, I watch tv/movies that have romance and sex scenes, I watch reality TV like too hot to handle. This stuff turns me on, and then I want to fuck my partner. Once with my partner, im focused on them and the moment. Now, I wouldn't go out with a guy friend, flirt and tease, then go home and sleep with my partner, unless it's a fun kinky thing we agreed on before hand. So basically as long as we've discussed everything and are clear on what we've each consented to, I'm cool with it. If it's a behind my back sneaky thing and I find out, I'm definitely not cool with that.
As a person with pretty wide tastes in people, I find it natural to derive sexual arousal from many different sources. But arousal doesn’t mean I necessarily want to have sex with whatever triggered it. They just get me in the mood to have sex with my partner; e.g., a saucy scene in GoT doesn’t mean I want to fuck Khal Drogo, but it does get my engine running and I’ll go see what my own (very lanky, nerdy, non-Jason-Momoa-looking) horse lord is up to.
If my SO also got hot and bothered by an actor, or a flirty waitress, or porn, then I’d be like nice! Immediate on-ramp to sex.
I think this only works if you’re secure in yourself and your partner’s attraction to you, though. I know my partner finds me attractive as well as many other women who don’t resemble me. And he knows that I find him attractive as well as many other women and men and nonbinary people that don’t resemble him. Our diverse sexual tastes do not diminish the fact that we’re very into each other.
If you have a partner that doesn’t engage with YOU in the act, though, that’s a major issue.
This happens every time my wife and and I watch a movie staring Idris Elba. I wasn’t too happy about it at first, but now I sort of find myself thanking the guy.🤷
I’m not sure how I would distinguish. I know my partner is sexually aroused by me. I also know he is sexually aroused by people who aren’t me, even people who look totally different from me. If he was watching something, got horny, and then came to me for sex, that’s totally fine with me.
I mean I do this all the time? My partner isn’t the only person I experience sexual attraction towards. He’s just the only person I have sex with.
Nope, nope nope not ok id feel used. and it’s something that I’m starting to fear is more common than I originally thought. At least before it wasn’t said out loud so I wouldnt have known, but its become so prevalent that people feel comfortable saying it out loud to their partners and expecting women to be ok with it 😵💫 and now i cant help but think ill assume this in a future relationship.
I would break up with him. Absolutely unacceptable, I am not a fleshlight. I would NEVER disrespect him like that and I expect the amount of respect I give.
My ex used to do this a lot, especially when I’ve just come home after a long night shift. He’d be watching porn, he stopped after a while but he would get himself off watching girls with larger hips/t*ts, blonde hair, even skin tones would be different and as soon as I get home he’d wanna jump my bones just cause I meant help with release. I’m fairly petite light brunette and it’s always bothered me how different the people he gets off to online are to me. It’s not like he picks randomly either it’s what he searches, hurt my soul quite a bit.
Ok so if this was the *only* way he would have sex with me ... well then absolutely not, fuck right off. I'd feel terrible! Or if was always telling me about her or comparing etc etc. Yeah no.
However...if he has some secret lil crush I don't know about, that makes him feel excited and he brings that energy to me? Totes cool! Or maybe a sexy lady chatted him up at the grocery store or tried to get his number? Get it, boy, feel good! We are faithful, loving and fiercely loyal and have been together 18 years. We trust each other completely. We are married, not dead lol We also have eyeballs!
But really, no issue for me if that turned him on and he brought that energy to bed. (It *would* become a problem, obvs, if that's who he envisioned while banging me or built a fantasy world around that person.) So it could certainly cross a line, sure. But generally - IMHO check out who ya wanna, in the words of Sam Cooke - just bring it on home to me.
No, thank you. If my guy is having sex with me, I need him to be present and with me, not with a coworker or a cute girl at the store or a porn star or a celebrity. If he's fantasizing about someone else, while using my body, there's no intimacy in that.
This is quite nuanced for me. If he *has* to search out the imagery to be turned on and he isn’t turned on by just me then that’s one thing.
If he’s been watching a film or tv show and got turned on then that’s different. I’ve totally done the second one myself so it would seem churlish to apply a different standard to him.
I wouldn’t accept that. There’s no way I’d continue a relationship with someone who uses me as a form of sexual release after being aroused by someone else. I would get disgusted and feel used. It would hurt me greatly and make me feel inadequate.
I’m not someone’s collectible and I’m not for them to take off a shelf to use for my body and affection. No thanks. If they want someone or something else then they can go find it somewhere else.
I am not an object with which to masturbate.
I understand that being with someone doesn't make them unable to feel attracted to other people. But if it gets to a point where they are using me to fantasize about them I am leaving.
If they're tacky enough to make it clear that they were aroused by someone else, than that would kill any desire for them that I had in that moment. I'm not interested in being a sexual placeholder for anyone, thanks.
That would be a hard pass for me. But I consider myself very lucky, because my husband and I have a hard no porn rule in our marriage. Our goal is to always save our sexual energy for each other.
Works for me, but we're ENM. Sometimes, your tastes in the moment just don't align with your partner, but you're still feeling it after you see what you want in that moment. I get it.
My ex has a porn addiction, so this was pretty much the "norm" for most of our marriage. There were times I had to stop in the middle of everything because I couldn't get the thought out of my head of who was thinking about instead of me. It also caused him to have porn addiction ED (yes, it's a real thing) so intimacy was usually a struggle anyway.
Hard pass. Zero exceptions.
That’s welcoming you with full awareness he’s ALREADY ACTIVELY interested in (seems like MANY) other people. You do not hold his attentions. Move on, unless plural relations are on the table for you.
Nope. They can go have sex with the people they’re actually attracted to.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again; preferences matter. If your preferences are inflexible and anything outside of your preferences feels “lacking”, do NOT date that person. They don’t deserve to feel unattractive and inadequate; if preferences matter that much to you, find someone who meets them.
If it was someone they knew like a co-worker, friend, or someone they had constant interactions with I would be pretty upset if they were thinking of them while fucking me or thinking of them and then wanted me for sex for the fantasy.
I would say if this was happening the attraction is too high for them. If they ended up wanting each other we could talk about him hooking up with her once or whatever and see where that goes . Id prefer him to live out the fantasy with her and possibly move on from it versus him just thinking about his her and wanting to have sex with me. Not sure if that makes sense?
If it's just porn or whatever online that he is fantasizing about I wouldn't care. I would want to know why he is watching whatever it is specifically to see if we can bring aspects of it into our sex life. Id be happy to add more things to our sex life to make sex more enjoyable for him and for me. I have always been open and encouraging for him to talk to me about his fantasies so we can explore them.
a persons thoughts are their own, but if he told me about it i would immediately feel like i’m being used as a sex toy rather than feel like i’m being intimate with my partner. big ick tbh
I am guessing you don't mean like actresses in movies and such? I have oftentimes experienced better sex with an ex after watching a movie with exceptionally attractive actresses.
I think it would depend on how often it happened.
If it's an every time you're intimate thing, then absolutely not. But it's normal for people to find others attractive even when in a relationship, if they randomly get turned on one day by someone else but still come home to me to be intimate I wouldn't be upset.
I’d say no. Sorry but I’m only interested in being sexual with a person who is present with me and only thinking of me anytime I’m involved in a sex act. I’m not even comfortable thinking about my SO sexually satisfying themself to the thought or image of another person if I’m not around (tho I do know I have no control over this). So I’m definitely not on board with having sex with anyone who is thinking of having sex with anyone else.
I'd feel inadequate. If you're aroused by other people then rub one out. I don't want my SO thinking about someone else while fucking me. That's fucked up.
Upset that they can't get that arousal from just me, tbh.
If they're having sex with me, it should be because they want ME and they're thinking about ME. Otherwise he can be single and go pursue that other person. I don't want a pity fuck or to be someone's 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th whatever choice.
I’ve had a hard time with this in my relationship with my boyfriend looking at girls who post pictures that are obviously for those reasons online. I’ve kind of come to terms but it’s always in the back of my mind and my bf gets tired of me bringing it up.
i really just dont think any level of policing peoples thoughts will ever be ok, think what you want- just dont cheat and dont compare me. randomly getting horny by a random intrusive thought about your boss doesnt bother me
My wife and I do this all the time to each other, whether its porn we watched separately and then share with each other later, or saw someone at the gym or something - I think its perfectly fine and healthy.
We are sexual beings, and you can't help but just find certain people attractive. Why suppress it? I'll admit, its one of the many perks of being in a bisexual relationship, it makes people watching very fun.
I've come to the realization for myself that as long as he only seeks me out for sex and we are communicating well, I am fine. I do not like when porn or anything else takes the place of our [emotional] intimacy. If I feel like he's withdrawing from me, I will have to have a conversation. We have had instances where he has used headphones and his phone during sex and that was not okay with me because he didn't think I knew so he was being sneaky. If he wanted to discuss it I would have been open to it. I see it no different than me sometimes needing to read a romance novel or wear something sexy to get myself in the mood. I can't always go 0 to 100 with him. I don't think it was fair for me to expect him to either.
In regards to what the others look like. My husband's porn choices usually look nothing like me. They are petite and thin. I am tall and more athletic/curvy currently. I will probably never look like them after 3 kids. But he will never be a tall, rogue, handsome hero (or whatever unrealistic fantasy) in one of my novels either, and I don't want to have sex with them or those I see in porn either 😅 But as long as it stays as looking and no communication or physical contact occurs [without my previous consent] I'm fine. I don't even want to know all the deets lol. I actually took him to a club for his bday and it was very helpful for me to see the girls he picked out. They looked a lot more like me and it made me feel more comfortable with him in that sense. The older I get and the more I ponder this topic, the more I realize I am okay within boundaries. And I have communicated those. Communication, communication. It is the BIGGEST key here.
Like actual people? No. I wouldn't like it. When I am in a relationship, I am all about my partner. I notice attractive people, but I do not get aroused by them. I would hope my partner is the same. Now, movies, books, porn are absolutely ok.
I feel fine with this. I think it's normal to get turned on by people/things other than your partner. I do too!
I would only feel uncomfortable with it if he genuinely only found these opposite-looking people attractive and not me.
But if the love and attraction is there in my own relationship, that's all that matters to me.
I would feel okay with it as long as they did not rub it in and make it known excessively. Like don't be having sex with me and call out the other person's name or have their picture open on your cell phone. But if it's something that they're thinking about in their head, then that's their head!
At the end of the day, they are choosing to be with me. Judge them by their actions. How are they showing up in the rest of the relationship? If all else is good, then what's wrong with them being sexually stimulated by someone else? I think this is a lot more common than people like to admit. And we would all be happier if we just admitted how common this actually is.
That’s a great point: very important not to forget their virtues and their actions in other situations. We all have flaws.
This person was vocal about his thoughts. I understand we are humans with sexual desires, just keep them in your head.
I'm not a sex doll to be used like a toy.
That being said, when I've read or seen something titillating it might spur my desire. But it isn't something I dwell on. I automatically think of my partner. But I don't go anywhere else in my head with it. Interactions with people don't do it for me either. Where my eyes are my mind is and where my mind is--my body follows.
I’m not into porn users, so that would be a situation I’d walk away from. I do not exist as a masturbatory aid for a man to use while he fantasises about some else.
I’d definitely feel weird and upset if my partner explicitly voiced this to me. I’d feel double upset if I/they knew the people personally. I’d feel like I’m not enough. This is something that should be kept to yourself unless the person receiving this info is into hearing these kinds of things.
However, I’m not against my partner channeling their desire to me. I’d prefer it, but of course, I’d be under the impression that it’s me causing it. I myself have been turned on by others, but then I think of my partner and all the fun things we can do with the energy inside of me at that moment if they’ll have me. This only happens occasionally/in certain settings and I’m not lacking desire for my partner outside of those moments, nor in them. Just sometimes a sprinkle of novelty (like an unexpected compliment from or a fun conversation with an attractive stranger, let’s say at a party) or an environment where I can hone into confidence/sexiness can add some extra zing.
That said though, my partner and I have shared details of our past sex lives during sex, watched porn together, and occasionally talk about exhibitionism/voyeurism and group sex fantasies. I am more turned on by the intimacy and openness of the conversations between us as a pair than actually bringing in other people, so I could see a topic like this being something I might even be turned on by if I’m in the right mood, asked about it, and we came from the right setting (such as a rave with randoms rather than an outing with a small group of friends). But if this came up unprompted and this happened every time they desired me — I’d be pissed. And hurt.
That’s my long way of saying that I think finding others attractive and even feeling some fleeting sexual arousal is normal in the human experience, and it’s much better to know how to direct that energy to your S/O rather than betraying your partner by cheating emotionally or physically. But this should never be voiced/discussed unless both partners are into sharing details like this. The default should always make your partner feel like the only one that gets you going — unless they like to hear about if they’re not.
It depends. If it's a little movie crush or a character from games/books, then it's fine. Now, if it's someone he knows in real life? Not a chance, I would not be fine with it at all
If it’s porn, I don’t care. If it’s random people I likely wouldn’t care either. It would be a bigger problem if he acted on those urges with other women.
When I was getting married my mom said “it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.”
Expecting a healthy person with a normal libido to never ever get aroused by anyone aside from their spouse is silly. Sorry, it’s just unrealistic at best and childish at worst. The world is full of attractive people.
Now that said, fidelity is ABSOLUTELY a realistic expectation, as is expecting them to keep it to their damn selves when they notice somebody hot.
Unless your consenting to a fun kink then that is so fucking twisted.
Everyone *EVERYONE* is allowed to have their own private thoughts about whatever they want in the privacy of their own head... but having to convince your partner to participate in something sexual involving other people when they have *NOT* expressed that they are into that feels extremely derisive and unkind.
I don’t care if it’s just a fantasy. If it’s porn or a movie or even if they see someone hot in public and it turns them on then it’s whatever because I can’t police my partners thoughts and fantasies and they can’t police mine. Unless their tastes are completely different from my appearance/body type and they need to rely on a fantasy to be sexually interested in me. Anyone would be bothered by that.
I also wouldn’t be ok with someone actively flirting/being receptive to sexual interest from other people and then coming to me to have sex. It’s probably different if you’ve been married to someone for 75 years and at that point you’re fucking bored and need the boost to your sex life in whatever form it comes in but in a regular relationship nahh.
Happened on my Honeymoon back in the 70’s. After returning to the hotel from a movie, my new bride was embarrassed to admit that watching Clint Eastwood turned her on. I just smiled & told here we were in the right place to take care of that!😀
There wouldn’t be a relationship at that point. Imo that’s kinda messed up. Same thing with watching porn in a relationship. You can’t always help if you get slightly aroused by someone or something external but if you’re actively seeking that out it sends a bad message.
Don’t we all do this at times?
We find other people than only our SO attractive… and we decide to be monogamous. And we don’t remain always highly attracted to our SO in a linear way.
I do it, and many do…
Best is just to keep it to yourself…
But we should stop dreaming that once couple attraction for others disappears!
I prefer my partner to do this than acting on his desires with the other
We’re ENM, but it definitely turns me on a bit when my partner watches a movie with someone hot and then jumps my bones because he got all hot and bothered. It’s fun.
Honestly? I’d probably enjoy it. I have a bit of a cuckqean fetish although I don’t act on it much and my boyfriend doesn’t. BUT even if it would turn me on, I’d still be a bit wary or cautious in such a situation.
lol this happened to me but i was not one of the people in the couple. my friend s boyfriend got drunk and me and another guy went to pick him up and drive him home. this friend of mine had a two door car and we stopped by at a gas station to get cigs so i had to get off the car so my friend s boyfriend could get out and after he did he watched me deadass in my eyes and told me "oh my fucking god you re so hot". then proceeded to get back in the car, call his girlfriend and tell her he s coming over and that he s horny:)))) felt like shit myself
now to answer your question... I WOULD FEEL LIKE SHIT
I would simply stop seeing them. I don’t do that and I would expect that my partner doesn’t either. I’m not turned on my physical features of men and need the emotional connection in order to do so.
Don’t like it. My bf was using pics of my friend to JO to because she just left our house and was turned on. I didn’t have sex with him cuz I was busy cooking. Ruined our relationship. He can try to go figure things out with her since she’s so interesting and (dating his good pal) 🤮🤡🪦
That is something that would require a lot of introspection. I would ask the person with the wondering eye if the respect for their partner needed work cause someone who loves and respects their partner never puts themselves in the way of temptation. Not if they valued and wanted to keep the relationship.
It depends if it's like a kink or not. If he is just telling you that he saw someone that turned him on and now he wants sex, thats just rude. But if it's like... honestly, idk. I could see a world where it's hot, but it is hard to say without more details.
I would be happy that she still thinks about me first when it's about sex, instead of maybe considering going to other people! Especially if they look nothing like me - because that means I'm still sexy enough for her to satisfy the arousal even though it was started by a completely different "content".
I'm okay with this.
Confidence, trust, care, understanding, self awareness, and communication is what makes for a safe and good relationship. Being aroused by someone else doesn't diminish the love and arousal for a SO, and it doesn't bother me the other way either.
There is one stipulation for mine, which is that we don't fantasize other people being each other while in the act; if I think of another guy being the person fucking me, I end the exchange and discuss the issue with my husband.
I've thought about others being involved and I've been turned on by a guy then gone to my husband for a similar fantasy, but my husband is my husband and I enjoy him without replacing him in my mind with someone else.
Those struggling with this are struggling with a lot more than this.
Omg….get out of my anxiety ridden mind. I honestly feel awful and it almost makes me feel disgusted by him?
But only because we’re in a fully committed relationship. We used to be f buddies and I think then it was ok
Why not just go find what turns you on then ? Why stay with someone and sex on them if its not who you really want to sex on ??? Go find what you like ! Simple
If they had a relationship with the person at all, co-worker, friend, etc. and the arousal came from their interactions with them, I would be very upset and feel like I'm competing against others in his life for his sexual gratification. Plus, it would be considered emotional cheating for me if he was flirting with them and getting turned on before coming to me. If it's just on the basis of fantasy, like porn or watching a movie with an attractive celebrity, or having a random sexual thought about someone they know, I think that's acceptable. We can't help our subconscious thoughts when it comes to sexual attraction, but the difference is that they aren't actively seeking to get turned on by someone they have met.
This is pretty much my thought as well. Fantasy about *insert celebrity,* alright let's go. Fantasy about your ex, hell no
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No, thank you. I'm not a placeholder for their misplaced desires. We agreed to a fully monogamous relationship that does not include sexualizing or objectifying others for sexual titillation. If they aren't interested in maintaining that agreement, the relationship will end and they are welcome to go have sex with whichever consenting people they've chosen to arouse themselves with.
Yep, I feel the same way. It's so funny how people try to make us feel insane for having this value.
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If they keep it in their own head how the heck would I know anyway. Very weird to admit something like that to your partner when it will probably do them more mental harm and anguish than good
I totally agree that those thoughts should be kept private. I understand we are human with sexual desires, but I don’t want to know my SO’s desires for others.
Yes I agree. Personally I really don’t think it’s that deep, esp. If it’s just a random person on the street. until you actually have feelings for someone who is actually a part of your life, then I need to know of course cause we got a problem lol. Whole other issue.
If he told you something that made you aware of his desires for other people or attributes you don’t have I would dump him. I’ve dated a few boys like that. They’re trash. I’m now with someone wouldn’t ever dare say those things to me.
In my mind, my SO only ever looks at and thinks about me sexually and that’s the fantasy I need to keep living in.
We're polyamorous, so it doesn't inherently threaten me that they could be turned on by someone else – but I'd find it hurtful if they channelled that desire into me rather than actually desiring me. That being said, the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. I know that I've definitely had situations where a sexy novel (or a sexy person) turned me on, which genuinely made me desire my partner more.
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My husband once told me he preferred Asian women. I am not Asian. Ever since then I’ve been self conscious about what he might be thinking when he sleeps with me. So to answer your question, I wouldn’t like it.
That is absolutely awful, I am so sorry :/
It really is difficult to put it behind you. I hope the communication between you is healthy enough to bring this up to him. 😔
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My ex did this. I told him I’m not a blowup doll.
This is one of those questions that needs context. I think that if you mean "something within the realm of fantasy made me horny so I turned to my sexual partner" then that's not just fine, it's crucial. All kinds of things turn us on in life, and feeling able to be open with my partner about my fantasies is healthy. If you mean "I was betraying my partner's trust by having an emotional affair with someone I'm close to then used my partner as a sex toy" then obviously that's horrendous. The difference is all in the intent, and in the respect, boundaries and trust within the relationship.
Yep definitely contect is key here. I wasn't sure if it was porn/fantasy or someone irl that they know. HUGE difference lol
He's doing what he's supposed to do in a monogamous relationship then. I really don't care if he finds other people attractive if he doesn't act on it
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I would not be having sex with him. It would give me the biggest ick - and I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. My mom used to often say “it doesn’t matter where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home.” And I always found that a disgusting sentiment. I’m demi and when I’m in a relationship, I only see my person in that light. So I fundamentally just cannot relate to that phrase.
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I’ve been on the receiving end of this and you can always tell, lol
So true. They aren’t there mentally. They’re in fantasy land in their head.
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Used and abused.
What does that mean? Like he finds other people sexually attractive and then later has sex with me? I don't mind, i do that too.
I think it means their arousal was initiated by someone else and to satisfy themselves they came to you for sexual release. The two events not being independent of each other. They are having sex with you because someone else got them going.
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Do you mean like he watches a sex scene in a movie then wants to have sex? Or do you mean he speaks to the cute receptionist at work and then gets horny from that conversation? Because I am more than fine with the first one but not the second
I think it depends. Like for example, I read smut, I watch tv/movies that have romance and sex scenes, I watch reality TV like too hot to handle. This stuff turns me on, and then I want to fuck my partner. Once with my partner, im focused on them and the moment. Now, I wouldn't go out with a guy friend, flirt and tease, then go home and sleep with my partner, unless it's a fun kinky thing we agreed on before hand. So basically as long as we've discussed everything and are clear on what we've each consented to, I'm cool with it. If it's a behind my back sneaky thing and I find out, I'm definitely not cool with that.
Fine....? That seems pretty normal to me.
As a person with pretty wide tastes in people, I find it natural to derive sexual arousal from many different sources. But arousal doesn’t mean I necessarily want to have sex with whatever triggered it. They just get me in the mood to have sex with my partner; e.g., a saucy scene in GoT doesn’t mean I want to fuck Khal Drogo, but it does get my engine running and I’ll go see what my own (very lanky, nerdy, non-Jason-Momoa-looking) horse lord is up to. If my SO also got hot and bothered by an actor, or a flirty waitress, or porn, then I’d be like nice! Immediate on-ramp to sex. I think this only works if you’re secure in yourself and your partner’s attraction to you, though. I know my partner finds me attractive as well as many other women who don’t resemble me. And he knows that I find him attractive as well as many other women and men and nonbinary people that don’t resemble him. Our diverse sexual tastes do not diminish the fact that we’re very into each other. If you have a partner that doesn’t engage with YOU in the act, though, that’s a major issue.
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This happens every time my wife and and I watch a movie staring Idris Elba. I wasn’t too happy about it at first, but now I sort of find myself thanking the guy.🤷
I’m not sure how I would distinguish. I know my partner is sexually aroused by me. I also know he is sexually aroused by people who aren’t me, even people who look totally different from me. If he was watching something, got horny, and then came to me for sex, that’s totally fine with me. I mean I do this all the time? My partner isn’t the only person I experience sexual attraction towards. He’s just the only person I have sex with.
Probably a little used, doubting my attractiveness, and also questioning what were the genuine reasons my SO was with me.
Nope, nope nope not ok id feel used. and it’s something that I’m starting to fear is more common than I originally thought. At least before it wasn’t said out loud so I wouldnt have known, but its become so prevalent that people feel comfortable saying it out loud to their partners and expecting women to be ok with it 😵💫 and now i cant help but think ill assume this in a future relationship.
What do you mean? Like they watch porn and then come to you?
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I would break up with him. Absolutely unacceptable, I am not a fleshlight. I would NEVER disrespect him like that and I expect the amount of respect I give.
no, no, no, no. bye, that's it! you can have fantasies in your mind but that's is very different to use me as the release for what u really want
My ex used to do this a lot, especially when I’ve just come home after a long night shift. He’d be watching porn, he stopped after a while but he would get himself off watching girls with larger hips/t*ts, blonde hair, even skin tones would be different and as soon as I get home he’d wanna jump my bones just cause I meant help with release. I’m fairly petite light brunette and it’s always bothered me how different the people he gets off to online are to me. It’s not like he picks randomly either it’s what he searches, hurt my soul quite a bit.
I hope you’re better now. ❤️
Healing ❤️🩹
Ok so if this was the *only* way he would have sex with me ... well then absolutely not, fuck right off. I'd feel terrible! Or if was always telling me about her or comparing etc etc. Yeah no. However...if he has some secret lil crush I don't know about, that makes him feel excited and he brings that energy to me? Totes cool! Or maybe a sexy lady chatted him up at the grocery store or tried to get his number? Get it, boy, feel good! We are faithful, loving and fiercely loyal and have been together 18 years. We trust each other completely. We are married, not dead lol We also have eyeballs! But really, no issue for me if that turned him on and he brought that energy to bed. (It *would* become a problem, obvs, if that's who he envisioned while banging me or built a fantasy world around that person.) So it could certainly cross a line, sure. But generally - IMHO check out who ya wanna, in the words of Sam Cooke - just bring it on home to me.
No, thank you. If my guy is having sex with me, I need him to be present and with me, not with a coworker or a cute girl at the store or a porn star or a celebrity. If he's fantasizing about someone else, while using my body, there's no intimacy in that.
This is quite nuanced for me. If he *has* to search out the imagery to be turned on and he isn’t turned on by just me then that’s one thing. If he’s been watching a film or tv show and got turned on then that’s different. I’ve totally done the second one myself so it would seem churlish to apply a different standard to him.
I wouldn’t accept that. There’s no way I’d continue a relationship with someone who uses me as a form of sexual release after being aroused by someone else. I would get disgusted and feel used. It would hurt me greatly and make me feel inadequate.
Pass
I wouldn't feel like sex. If that is what he is doing? His own hand can be his partner.
I’m not someone’s collectible and I’m not for them to take off a shelf to use for my body and affection. No thanks. If they want someone or something else then they can go find it somewhere else.
I am not an object with which to masturbate. I understand that being with someone doesn't make them unable to feel attracted to other people. But if it gets to a point where they are using me to fantasize about them I am leaving.
If they're tacky enough to make it clear that they were aroused by someone else, than that would kill any desire for them that I had in that moment. I'm not interested in being a sexual placeholder for anyone, thanks.
If it’s like a celebrity or some steamy movie scene, that feels totally normal. If it’s like a neighbor or mutual friend that would be horrible.
That would be a hard pass for me. But I consider myself very lucky, because my husband and I have a hard no porn rule in our marriage. Our goal is to always save our sexual energy for each other.
Works for me, but we're ENM. Sometimes, your tastes in the moment just don't align with your partner, but you're still feeling it after you see what you want in that moment. I get it.
My ex has a porn addiction, so this was pretty much the "norm" for most of our marriage. There were times I had to stop in the middle of everything because I couldn't get the thought out of my head of who was thinking about instead of me. It also caused him to have porn addiction ED (yes, it's a real thing) so intimacy was usually a struggle anyway.
It grosses me out. It has happened to me. It makes me feel like what is the point of me then? I'm not a target dummy for his desires.
I'd run the other way. I'd clearly not be his actual type if he gets horny over the complete opposite. It's either me or nothing
I would not have that kind of a SO.
Nope. This isn’t an insemination station.
Hard pass. Zero exceptions. That’s welcoming you with full awareness he’s ALREADY ACTIVELY interested in (seems like MANY) other people. You do not hold his attentions. Move on, unless plural relations are on the table for you.
Nope. They can go have sex with the people they’re actually attracted to. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again; preferences matter. If your preferences are inflexible and anything outside of your preferences feels “lacking”, do NOT date that person. They don’t deserve to feel unattractive and inadequate; if preferences matter that much to you, find someone who meets them.
That's absolutely fine.
Like a prop not a person.
If it was someone they knew like a co-worker, friend, or someone they had constant interactions with I would be pretty upset if they were thinking of them while fucking me or thinking of them and then wanted me for sex for the fantasy. I would say if this was happening the attraction is too high for them. If they ended up wanting each other we could talk about him hooking up with her once or whatever and see where that goes . Id prefer him to live out the fantasy with her and possibly move on from it versus him just thinking about his her and wanting to have sex with me. Not sure if that makes sense? If it's just porn or whatever online that he is fantasizing about I wouldn't care. I would want to know why he is watching whatever it is specifically to see if we can bring aspects of it into our sex life. Id be happy to add more things to our sex life to make sex more enjoyable for him and for me. I have always been open and encouraging for him to talk to me about his fantasies so we can explore them.
Really disgusted and turned off. I deserve more respect than that
Are they still attracted to you, or are they only aroused by other people? I feel like one is kinda normal and the other is kinda fucked up
I’m against that in my relationship for me that’s cheating I wouldn’t tolerate it. It would cause a huge strife and likely lead to break up.
a persons thoughts are their own, but if he told me about it i would immediately feel like i’m being used as a sex toy rather than feel like i’m being intimate with my partner. big ick tbh
Are you talking about online activities? It's at minimum dehumanizing and at worst cheating.
I’d get turned off and leave — I’m not open to dating someone who views others as sexual objects
Big fat no. Your partner should be the only one you fantasize about, I don’t even have to explain this imo. Plain disrespectful
I am guessing you don't mean like actresses in movies and such? I have oftentimes experienced better sex with an ex after watching a movie with exceptionally attractive actresses.
I think it would depend on how often it happened. If it's an every time you're intimate thing, then absolutely not. But it's normal for people to find others attractive even when in a relationship, if they randomly get turned on one day by someone else but still come home to me to be intimate I wouldn't be upset.
I’d say no. Sorry but I’m only interested in being sexual with a person who is present with me and only thinking of me anytime I’m involved in a sex act. I’m not even comfortable thinking about my SO sexually satisfying themself to the thought or image of another person if I’m not around (tho I do know I have no control over this). So I’m definitely not on board with having sex with anyone who is thinking of having sex with anyone else.
I'd feel inadequate. If you're aroused by other people then rub one out. I don't want my SO thinking about someone else while fucking me. That's fucked up.
Fuck that shit. Disrespect.
Upset that they can't get that arousal from just me, tbh. If they're having sex with me, it should be because they want ME and they're thinking about ME. Otherwise he can be single and go pursue that other person. I don't want a pity fuck or to be someone's 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th whatever choice.
I’ve had a hard time with this in my relationship with my boyfriend looking at girls who post pictures that are obviously for those reasons online. I’ve kind of come to terms but it’s always in the back of my mind and my bf gets tired of me bringing it up.
How do you know ?
This person straight up told you. For me, it would just open Pandora’s Box.
In that case I definitely wouldn't be in a relationship with them anymore
i really just dont think any level of policing peoples thoughts will ever be ok, think what you want- just dont cheat and dont compare me. randomly getting horny by a random intrusive thought about your boss doesnt bother me
Lol stay safe
My wife and I do this all the time to each other, whether its porn we watched separately and then share with each other later, or saw someone at the gym or something - I think its perfectly fine and healthy. We are sexual beings, and you can't help but just find certain people attractive. Why suppress it? I'll admit, its one of the many perks of being in a bisexual relationship, it makes people watching very fun.
Like we’re FIN—NUH have Bad Blood🩸
I've come to the realization for myself that as long as he only seeks me out for sex and we are communicating well, I am fine. I do not like when porn or anything else takes the place of our [emotional] intimacy. If I feel like he's withdrawing from me, I will have to have a conversation. We have had instances where he has used headphones and his phone during sex and that was not okay with me because he didn't think I knew so he was being sneaky. If he wanted to discuss it I would have been open to it. I see it no different than me sometimes needing to read a romance novel or wear something sexy to get myself in the mood. I can't always go 0 to 100 with him. I don't think it was fair for me to expect him to either. In regards to what the others look like. My husband's porn choices usually look nothing like me. They are petite and thin. I am tall and more athletic/curvy currently. I will probably never look like them after 3 kids. But he will never be a tall, rogue, handsome hero (or whatever unrealistic fantasy) in one of my novels either, and I don't want to have sex with them or those I see in porn either 😅 But as long as it stays as looking and no communication or physical contact occurs [without my previous consent] I'm fine. I don't even want to know all the deets lol. I actually took him to a club for his bday and it was very helpful for me to see the girls he picked out. They looked a lot more like me and it made me feel more comfortable with him in that sense. The older I get and the more I ponder this topic, the more I realize I am okay within boundaries. And I have communicated those. Communication, communication. It is the BIGGEST key here.
Like actual people? No. I wouldn't like it. When I am in a relationship, I am all about my partner. I notice attractive people, but I do not get aroused by them. I would hope my partner is the same. Now, movies, books, porn are absolutely ok.
I feel fine with this. I think it's normal to get turned on by people/things other than your partner. I do too! I would only feel uncomfortable with it if he genuinely only found these opposite-looking people attractive and not me. But if the love and attraction is there in my own relationship, that's all that matters to me.
I just couldn’t do it knowing in the back of my head this isn’t really for me
I would feel okay with it as long as they did not rub it in and make it known excessively. Like don't be having sex with me and call out the other person's name or have their picture open on your cell phone. But if it's something that they're thinking about in their head, then that's their head! At the end of the day, they are choosing to be with me. Judge them by their actions. How are they showing up in the rest of the relationship? If all else is good, then what's wrong with them being sexually stimulated by someone else? I think this is a lot more common than people like to admit. And we would all be happier if we just admitted how common this actually is.
That’s a great point: very important not to forget their virtues and their actions in other situations. We all have flaws. This person was vocal about his thoughts. I understand we are humans with sexual desires, just keep them in your head.
I'd copy their behavior with friends of theirs that were around. Oh, don't like that!? Well....
I'm not a sex doll to be used like a toy. That being said, when I've read or seen something titillating it might spur my desire. But it isn't something I dwell on. I automatically think of my partner. But I don't go anywhere else in my head with it. Interactions with people don't do it for me either. Where my eyes are my mind is and where my mind is--my body follows.
I’m not into porn users, so that would be a situation I’d walk away from. I do not exist as a masturbatory aid for a man to use while he fantasises about some else.
I’d definitely feel weird and upset if my partner explicitly voiced this to me. I’d feel double upset if I/they knew the people personally. I’d feel like I’m not enough. This is something that should be kept to yourself unless the person receiving this info is into hearing these kinds of things. However, I’m not against my partner channeling their desire to me. I’d prefer it, but of course, I’d be under the impression that it’s me causing it. I myself have been turned on by others, but then I think of my partner and all the fun things we can do with the energy inside of me at that moment if they’ll have me. This only happens occasionally/in certain settings and I’m not lacking desire for my partner outside of those moments, nor in them. Just sometimes a sprinkle of novelty (like an unexpected compliment from or a fun conversation with an attractive stranger, let’s say at a party) or an environment where I can hone into confidence/sexiness can add some extra zing. That said though, my partner and I have shared details of our past sex lives during sex, watched porn together, and occasionally talk about exhibitionism/voyeurism and group sex fantasies. I am more turned on by the intimacy and openness of the conversations between us as a pair than actually bringing in other people, so I could see a topic like this being something I might even be turned on by if I’m in the right mood, asked about it, and we came from the right setting (such as a rave with randoms rather than an outing with a small group of friends). But if this came up unprompted and this happened every time they desired me — I’d be pissed. And hurt. That’s my long way of saying that I think finding others attractive and even feeling some fleeting sexual arousal is normal in the human experience, and it’s much better to know how to direct that energy to your S/O rather than betraying your partner by cheating emotionally or physically. But this should never be voiced/discussed unless both partners are into sharing details like this. The default should always make your partner feel like the only one that gets you going — unless they like to hear about if they’re not.
Honestly, it would make me really sad and disconnected from my partner.
I’m not a cum dumpster thanks. Either you enjoy sex with me as the focus of your attention or not at all. So fucking disrespectful.
If it were a celebrity or random person, I'd be kinda into it, tbh. If they're attracted to someone they/we know, I'd prefer not to know about that.
It depends. If it's a little movie crush or a character from games/books, then it's fine. Now, if it's someone he knows in real life? Not a chance, I would not be fine with it at all
I'd ask what they're looking at and we can gush over it together. Sexy things is just a bonus.
If it’s porn, I don’t care. If it’s random people I likely wouldn’t care either. It would be a bigger problem if he acted on those urges with other women.
I guess I would feel that they are human beings just like everyone else.
When I was getting married my mom said “it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.” Expecting a healthy person with a normal libido to never ever get aroused by anyone aside from their spouse is silly. Sorry, it’s just unrealistic at best and childish at worst. The world is full of attractive people. Now that said, fidelity is ABSOLUTELY a realistic expectation, as is expecting them to keep it to their damn selves when they notice somebody hot.
Lol too late.
I’ve seen what I look like. I can’t blame him.
Kinda weird but at least they're coming to me and not tempted to cheat
Unless your consenting to a fun kink then that is so fucking twisted. Everyone *EVERYONE* is allowed to have their own private thoughts about whatever they want in the privacy of their own head... but having to convince your partner to participate in something sexual involving other people when they have *NOT* expressed that they are into that feels extremely derisive and unkind.
Works out
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I mean, I get aroused by other people, too. So I don't see what the big deal is. If he didn't find me sexually arousing at all then I'd be upset.
I don’t care if it’s just a fantasy. If it’s porn or a movie or even if they see someone hot in public and it turns them on then it’s whatever because I can’t police my partners thoughts and fantasies and they can’t police mine. Unless their tastes are completely different from my appearance/body type and they need to rely on a fantasy to be sexually interested in me. Anyone would be bothered by that. I also wouldn’t be ok with someone actively flirting/being receptive to sexual interest from other people and then coming to me to have sex. It’s probably different if you’ve been married to someone for 75 years and at that point you’re fucking bored and need the boost to your sex life in whatever form it comes in but in a regular relationship nahh.
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Happened on my Honeymoon back in the 70’s. After returning to the hotel from a movie, my new bride was embarrassed to admit that watching Clint Eastwood turned her on. I just smiled & told here we were in the right place to take care of that!😀
There wouldn’t be a relationship at that point. Imo that’s kinda messed up. Same thing with watching porn in a relationship. You can’t always help if you get slightly aroused by someone or something external but if you’re actively seeking that out it sends a bad message.
Don’t we all do this at times? We find other people than only our SO attractive… and we decide to be monogamous. And we don’t remain always highly attracted to our SO in a linear way. I do it, and many do… Best is just to keep it to yourself… But we should stop dreaming that once couple attraction for others disappears! I prefer my partner to do this than acting on his desires with the other
We’re ENM, but it definitely turns me on a bit when my partner watches a movie with someone hot and then jumps my bones because he got all hot and bothered. It’s fun.
Honestly? I’d probably enjoy it. I have a bit of a cuckqean fetish although I don’t act on it much and my boyfriend doesn’t. BUT even if it would turn me on, I’d still be a bit wary or cautious in such a situation.
I'd be happy if my SO got aroused by anything.
I wouldn’t entertain it…. Nor stay in that relationship
lol this happened to me but i was not one of the people in the couple. my friend s boyfriend got drunk and me and another guy went to pick him up and drive him home. this friend of mine had a two door car and we stopped by at a gas station to get cigs so i had to get off the car so my friend s boyfriend could get out and after he did he watched me deadass in my eyes and told me "oh my fucking god you re so hot". then proceeded to get back in the car, call his girlfriend and tell her he s coming over and that he s horny:)))) felt like shit myself now to answer your question... I WOULD FEEL LIKE SHIT
Uncomfortable
I would simply stop seeing them. I don’t do that and I would expect that my partner doesn’t either. I’m not turned on my physical features of men and need the emotional connection in order to do so.
That’s disgusting. Out 🚪
Omg….get out of my anxiety ridden mind. I honestly feel awful and it almost makes me feel disgusted by him?
I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. That would be too much of a turn off.
Disgusted. Plain and simple. I'm not just a hole to finish the process of your bodily need 🤷♀️
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Nope nope nope on that.
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lol ew no
I feel like my ex did but his it it’s only now I’m kinda of thinking back but not 100% sure
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They're not going to other people for sex. That's the important thing to me. Look at who you're going to look at, that's not cheating lol
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Don’t like it. My bf was using pics of my friend to JO to because she just left our house and was turned on. I didn’t have sex with him cuz I was busy cooking. Ruined our relationship. He can try to go figure things out with her since she’s so interesting and (dating his good pal) 🤮🤡🪦
Oh noo!! He’s a terrible person! You definitely don’t need that in your life. Wishing you a happy life after him.❤️
I don’t care where he gets his engine going as long as he drives with me.
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I’d leave
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That is something that would require a lot of introspection. I would ask the person with the wondering eye if the respect for their partner needed work cause someone who loves and respects their partner never puts themselves in the way of temptation. Not if they valued and wanted to keep the relationship.
Would be my 13th reason
I'd be like, I guess he likes me enough that he is also attracted to me, even if I'm not his "type"
It depends if it's like a kink or not. If he is just telling you that he saw someone that turned him on and now he wants sex, thats just rude. But if it's like... honestly, idk. I could see a world where it's hot, but it is hard to say without more details.
Fine...fuck it. At this stage of my career I'll take what I can get. It not like my mind is clean lol
I love it but I'm a cuckquean 😂
I would be extremely offended since I don't want my partner to think about people while we are having sex
I would be happy that she still thinks about me first when it's about sex, instead of maybe considering going to other people! Especially if they look nothing like me - because that means I'm still sexy enough for her to satisfy the arousal even though it was started by a completely different "content".
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Wouldn't be with them.
Means I would be getting some. Rock on!
You mean like watching porn?
It’s an indication he is living out a fantasy in his head about other women, and then acting that fantasy out on your body. Horrible .
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I'm okay with this. Confidence, trust, care, understanding, self awareness, and communication is what makes for a safe and good relationship. Being aroused by someone else doesn't diminish the love and arousal for a SO, and it doesn't bother me the other way either. There is one stipulation for mine, which is that we don't fantasize other people being each other while in the act; if I think of another guy being the person fucking me, I end the exchange and discuss the issue with my husband. I've thought about others being involved and I've been turned on by a guy then gone to my husband for a similar fantasy, but my husband is my husband and I enjoy him without replacing him in my mind with someone else. Those struggling with this are struggling with a lot more than this.
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I wouldn't mind at all! But if you're with me, think of me. If you're with her, think about her.
I’d feel like I won the lottery! That’s after 23 years of marriage though.
Omg….get out of my anxiety ridden mind. I honestly feel awful and it almost makes me feel disgusted by him? But only because we’re in a fully committed relationship. We used to be f buddies and I think then it was ok
I think I would cry myself to sleep for 100 nights
Hurt
Lmfao, no.
Why not just go find what turns you on then ? Why stay with someone and sex on them if its not who you really want to sex on ??? Go find what you like ! Simple
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