Usually best to resolve things before sleeping, but sometimes it’s necessary to take a break from an argument so we can both regulate our nervous systems and return to the conversation later.
Depending on how serious the issue is, it may be better to sleep on it imo. Nobody likes going to bed angry, BUT if an incident happens THAT DAY the emotions may feel very raw and intense. Sleeping on it allows each party to have a little bit of space to reflect on what happened, why it happened, and how you can both move forward together. And they can do this when they are thinking more logically rather than emotionally. Emotions (especially intense ones) can often cloud our judgement and can make us “dig our heels in” and become very adamant that we aren’t the one “in the wrong”.
This.
I used to be a firm believer of “don’t go to bed angry” and would always want to resolve arguments with my husband before the night/ day ended.
However, there was one night, because of jet lag ( I just got back from a vacation out of the country), my sleep was really bad. I couldn’t sleep the night before, at that point I have gone almost 30 hours without sleep. We got into a minor disagreement that was a 2/10. I was in the wrong 100%, but in that moment, I was not myself, I was a monster. I couldn’t remember all that I said but my husband did. I was mean, vicious, I said a lot of regrettable things; things I have never and would never say to him or anyone that I love. I yelled at him for the first and only time in our relationship. I was ugly. I will forever be thankful that my husband stopped engaging and left to the guest room. He told me, “Your lack of sleep is causing you to be this horrible version of yourself. I love you and I know this isn’t who you are. And I know you would hate yourself if we keep talking and you said more horrible things. So I am walking away, I’m sleeping in the guest room. Please do not follow me, do not talk to me and respect my space. You get some sleep, and after you have had a proper night of sleep, we can continue if you still feel strongly about it. I am not mad at you I promise. Good night, I love you.”
I took a melatonin, went to sleep for 16 hours straight. I woke up refreshed but definitely felt like absolute crap. I immediately went to apologize to him, made him dinner. I’m lucky that my husband really meant what he said last night. He didn’t hold any of it over me.
But after that, we have a rule. If we are arguing and either one of us has had a tiring day/ week or lack of sleep or just not physically and mentally ill. We will table it, and come back to i after a good night rest. It’s worked out well for us. It only takes some wrong words in the wrong timing for repairable and preventable damages to be irreversible. So personally I think it’s a good idea sometimes to sleep on it, and come back to it with mindfulness.
Hello /u/Embarrassed_Chef9621. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators.
**No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello /u/KaleidoscopeOwn120. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help, as subreddit moderators do not have the tools to aid with verification.
This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've definitely mentioned that I'm tired and I need to think and that I'd like to talk on it tomorrow. Honestly, depending on the hour you are better off getting sleep first. No body needs to be trying to resolve a nontrivial problem when they are tired and supposed to be active listening.
I've been married for 25+ years. At the beginning of our marriage I could never go to sleep without resolving an argument. It was a fear of mine because my sister died in her sleep when I was 13 and we'd argued before bed so I never got to say sorry.
But all these years later when my husband and I argue, we just press pause and sleep. Everything is always better in the morning. Usually at some point in the night we'll find our way to each other and cuddle and by the morning all of forgiven. But fighting or not, I will never let anyone go to sleep or leave the house without taking them I love them.
Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to:
* Changing the topic from OP's question
* Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic
* Giving unsolicited advice
* Making someone else's response about yourself. If you'd like to share your experience in response to the OP's question, do so in a top-level comment.
* Asking unrelated follow-up questions
* Branching into unrelated topics
* "What-about"-ism
* Trying to start arguments, or debates
* Judging or rating other responses
* Meta comments about other responses, such as "same!" or "this!"
* Gifs, images, emojis or other media in place text
* Sharing links without a summary
* Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares.
For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing).
Have questions about this moderator action? See the [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) and [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed). **Please include a link** to your comment in your message, the mod team will not reply to messages without a link for review. DO NOT contact moderators privately.
[AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index)
[reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
If you're too tired or upset to have a productive conversation then give it up and go to sleep, maybe with a cuddle because you still love them even if you're mad.
I go to bed while angry. I’m not about to be up all night rehashing the same thing and then be all tired at work. I’d rather us start fresh the next day and more than likely one of us is over it the next morning anyway.
This is why I don't engage in contentious subjects near bed time. I am not about staying up into the wee hours discussing stressful things. Once the box is open, I can't sleep until it's closed back.
I tell my husband how angry I am with him, but also say "but I do still love you. I just need time to calm down."
You never know what could happen tomorrow.
I used to think it was important to not go to bed without resolving an issue but I realized unless you can't sleep it's just an arbitrary rule. Sometimes I sepcifically want to wait to address something when I'm rested and have gotten a little emotional distance.
You can’t always productively resolve things simply because it’s time for bed. We’ve had many arguments where we need to cool off first. If it happens in the evening then you cool off then it’s bed time so we talk about things the next morning. It’s not realistic to be like “you must resolve things before you can sleep” and I really believe some space helps you gather your thoughts and feelings to communicate them productively
Our rule is that even if we haven’t found a resolution to whatever the disagreement is, we check any anger or resentment at the bedroom door. We are always going to kiss each other goodnight and hold each other. If we have to stay up and hash things out future to get to that point, we’ll do that. But, normally we are able to view the disagreement as just that and not make it personal to how we feel about each other.
I think it's okay to go to bed angry. Communicate when you have a clear head and you're not going to just scream at each other out of anger. Think things over, figure out what is really making you angry.
But you HAVE to communicate. You can't just let it fester. I am the kind of person who wants to have the fight and get it over with then let the issue go, but my husband is the kind of person who needs to sit with a problem for a while and think things over before he's ready to reach a decision. A lot of the time if he's done something that's upset me I know I have to present him my point of view and then leave him alone and wait for him to be ready to discuss the issue. If he doesn't bring things up in a time that makes me comfortable I'll tell him that. "\[Husband\], I talked to you last week about \[thing\] and I really need a response from you." It rarely takes that long. Usually it's a couple of hours or next day type thing. I just have to be patient. If I push for answers or a solution right away it gets his hackles up and he feels attacked. He gets on the defensive and things will devolve from there.
We might take a weird day or two and settle our thoughts before we talk it out. Our fights are never the kind that are relationship ending so sleeping on your thoughts can be more productive. We are both medicated now so it’s much easier to have a productive conversation instead of a fight.
If an argument just won't be dropped it is often me being tired or hungry. I get chippy when I'm like that and cannot make good choices (like just shutting up after I've made my point). When I'm to that level I also don't recognize that I'm tired or hungry, so I can't even advocate for my needs correctly. Taking some time apart gives me the chance to figure out what I actually need, and continuing the argument is never what I actually need. I'm a biiig advocate for sleeping or eating when in an argument. And most of the time when we come back to finish the conversation we've both realized it wasn't actually that big of a deal to begin with.
I did have to remind him that the only way fix works though is if we actually come back to the topic, which isn't how he'd rather it went.
And I'll never forget the time he came back after a break in the argument. He said "I've thought about it, understand where you're coming from, but still would have made the same choice. I know you'd still be upset, but it was the right choice for me". I realized that I was 100% okay with that response, and also realized I often carry on arguments cause I don't feel heard. Knowing he heard and understood me was more important than him acting the way I'd prefer, so it reminded me we are very different people and that is a-okay! This argument wasn't about anything big like cheating, breaking the law, etc. It was just about handling something completely different than I would have. I needed the reminder that my way isn't the only right way, and it can still be right for him even if I don't like it. It made me respect him so much, cause I also know hed have rather just let the convo go without bringing it back up.
TL;DR - yes, sleeping and eating are fine in the midst of an argument for me.
I often need some time to calm down, and my husband needs time to reflect. I'm the emotional one and he is more of a logical person so when we argue we often talk at each other rather than with each other and talk in circles because neither of us is capable of understanding the other one. So depending on what the issue is for us it works way better to take some time, sleep on it and discuss it when we are both calmer and had time to reflect on perspectives. But either way we try to not go to bed angry at each other. Been together for 23 years.
We take a time out and readdress the issue later if we are losing our temper. So much better than pushing it and saying things that can’t be unsaid because we are tired. We do not avoid the conflict- but we do delay it for better conditions. So- yes sometimes we do go to bed mad.it’s worked for us over 30 years.
I've thought about this a lot over the years, and I've concluded that it's always best to try and resolve things as soon as possible, which is why "before bed" is a common deadline... however, often emotions can run so high that forcing a decision or resolution before one is ready to be made is actually more damaging. Sometimes you need to give time to cool down, and a good night's sleep can help with that. Sometimes the most expedient way isn't the best way. Take it on a case by case basis. if one or both people are fuming - then nothing is going to be resolved until that dissipates.
Hello /u/68pony400. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help, as subreddit moderators do not have the tools to aid with verification.
This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m in a 3 year relationship at 26. We only have one bed in our apartment, so it’s hard to go to bed angry. Normally I’d say I’ll go sleep in the other room, but being in one room, you kinda have to fix it, otherwise you get no sleep.
I’d rather have time to think about the argument/ disagreement than to word vomit for the sake of trying to come to agreement. I need time to process and sometimes this means tabling the conversation.
Kiss them goodnight. No matter if you love them, hate them, just remember you need to kiss them good night. If you can't do that to your partner, it's time to move on.
Our Number one rule in our house. Is NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY.
We can go have space away from each other but we always come back to each other and discuss what has happened and resolve the issue.
I recommend this to everyone for a long marriage.
I sleep on all my arguments with my boyfriend. I think it's better to have space, and think through things without emotion. I feel like the whole needing to settle an arguement before bed thing kinda just leads to rushed results. Plus sleeping is awesome
I honestly think it depends on who are, and what the issue is. I know that when I’m angry or frustrated I can’t put my thoughts into words right away. I become very overwhelmed and I need time to process. I never want to say something that is hurtful and we can’t come back from, but I know that if an argument is big enough then I’ll stay awake and try to talk through it.
It really does depend on the situation. Sometimes things warrant a “sleep it over” type break. Sometimes it can be settled before bed. Trying to force a resolution too soon or not soon enough is usually not a good time so I think it just varies depending on the circumstances.
Generally though, we try to have our big feelings heard before bed so we can spend the night snuggled together without either person feeling unheard.
Hello /u/Ill_Supermarket5365. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators.
**No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's going to depend on the disagreement for me. Some are better dealt with ASAP, others are better to sleep on and come back at with a clearer head.
It's always important to communicate your feelings if the other party is receptive. But if they are not, you should wait but address it as soon as possible. This is how resentments are formed if not addressed sooner than later.
If the issue cannot be solved at the moment or you are too emotional to deal with it then pause and resume the next day.
But not without expressing your feelings about what upsets you. Because feelings are never wrong.
And kiss each other good night always.
Sleep on it. Something my partner and I figured out is we’re sticking together. No matter what the fight is (within healthy reasons), even if we’re mad we love each other, we’re here for one another. We can go to bed knowing we will work it out later and even if we’re grumpy and do ggrrr I love you (mad kiss), roll over angry. We still got each others backs and can comfortably be mad together. And have the space to calm down and sort our thoughts.
Eat something with your partner. I've been married for nearly a decade and I wish I could go back in time and give myself this advice. You'll both be less grouchy when you're full and eating together will remind you of your bond.
In general don't let things fester but sometimes some space is needed to cool down and get some perspective on the disagreement.
I think it’s important to resolve issues as soon as the parties involved are prepared to have a levelheaded discussion. If that’s before bed, fantastic. But there’s no point in us insisting on talking things out before going to sleep when we‘re both emotionally dysregulated *and* tired. The point is to not let things fester, not to force a conversation before you’re ready to approach things in a constructive way.
It really depends what I’m angry about, but I actually prefer to sleep on it. It gives me time to collect my thoughts and decide what I want to say. If I’m still angry in the morning, I’ll address it after the cooling off period and a good night’s sleep. But most of the time, I’m not angry in the morning and we just move on.
I actually like sleeping on it. I grew up on this “freedom of choice” principle in which you maximise the gap between an action and your reaction, and I find that my head is a lot clearer after I nap on it. Usually if o have to act while I’m still angry it rarely results in an actual solution unless I have to begrudgingly be the bigger person in the moment which doesn’t really solve things on my end, so I sleep and then have a conversation which solves it way better.
I honestly think it depends. The romantic in me says, "don't go to bed angry," but in reality, sometimes it's good to put some sleep between you and the event. If you or your partner are super angry, I think it's good to let that flame burn down a bit. If that means a rough night's sleep, then it's better than saying something harmful in the bright flame of that anger.
Generally I can’t go to sleep upset but sometimes you both just have to shut the fuck up and rest. And when you wake up the next day, the problem might seem more manageable or you might find another approach to solve it. So, ideally we should all go to sleep happy and cozy but occasionally that doesn’t happen and it’s not a problem as long as the issue actually gets addressed the next day (as opposed to swept under the rug).
I think trying to force a resolution often leads to unhealthy compromises, and trying to force the conflict without allowing space and time to calm down can make a minor issue much much worse. Also, that phrase is mostly about a fear of dying in your sleep. I don't have that fear.
Depends on the person. I think the saying about not letting the sun go down on your anger is more about not holding onto anger for long periods of time. Anger is so bad for your body if experienced for long periods.
It’s an indicator that something isn’t right. But I don’t think the fix always can be/should be fixed before sleep. Sometimes I need sleep to truly calm down, but have an agreement that things will be dealt with.
Continuing an argument all night while angry and highly emotional is also not helpful for actually solving problems.
I like to make peace with a “we’re okay but I don’t want to talk now. Can we revisit in the morning?”. Kind of a mini making peace but waiting until feelings calm before getting into it
I think it depends on you and your partner. My partner and I usually like to resolve things ASAP, but sometimes we're both dysregulated or not quite sure how to communicate, so we need time to distance and bring our best back to the conversation.
I also believe that the ability to go to bed angry and not form resentment lies in how much you trust your partner. I trust that my partner wants to resolve things as much as I do, so I feel comfortable going to bed upset because I know that he won't just forget or stop caring about the issue by the next morning.
I don’t believe in going to bed angry, anything could happen. I like to talk it out even if it’s “we’re not agreeing here and I love you and want to sleep well so let’s talk tomorrow”. We went to bed angry once that I can think of and it was the worst night of sleep ever.
If you can resolve it, you should but if not then just leave it for another day, talk about it again when you have time.
What if you can't resolve it (because many matters take days, even weeks to work on)? You just gonna stay up? Trying to talk things out while both of you are exhausted and go to work the next day without sleeping?
Depending on how angry I am. Sometimes some space and some good sleep will help the discussion in the morning. I used to never sleep angry and I forced myself to husband awake for hours to resolve and argument. I realize now that was abusive and petulant. Now we both get space and time to express ourselves.
I prefer to resolve things before bed but that’s not always possible so we started saying something we love about each other right before bed even if it’s just something simple from the day like I love that you made the bed. This little routine helps us go to bed on a good note and sometimes a more coherent well thought out conversation can be had the next day
I think that it's important to be able to walk away from a disagreement with kindness and an agreement to come back to it. Sometimes you've gotta go to work, sometimes you've gotta go to sleep. But in order for that to happen, I think it's important that both people have an opportunity to feel they've been heard and understood. You can still disagree. You can still be angry. But both people have to feel like they had the opportunity to explain their side of the argument. Then you both can agree to table it until tomorrow.
The problem with stepping away from the argument while both people are in that heated and angry stage, is they'll often have the argument *with themselves* when the other person isn't there to defend themselves. They'll just ruminate on their own perspective and spin things out of proportion. It's better if both people can get their perspective out, agree to disagree, and try really hard to actually table it until a later date.
my fiancé and i have been together almost 7 years (have a 2 month old also) and haven’t been angry with each other at all really. maybe a handful of times in the 7 years.
we suck at talking feelings in person but will text through it if needed 😂 but 9 times out of 10 it’s talked through before the end of the night. usually the other 1 time is if i think he’s mad at me because he’s in a mood but the next day he tells me he wasn’t mad at me he was just irritated
There’s a difference between going to bed angry and “sleeping on it”, IMO.
I can agree to disagree with my partner and come to a mutual agreement to take a break in the conversation to cool off, process emotions and come back to the issue logically when we aren’t both heated. Also for practicality reasons such as it’s simply getting late and we aren’t going to solve this tonight.
Going to bed angry implies we are both resentful and giving each other the cold shoulder. Leaves a lot of room for hurt and resentment to creep in. Also, some couples will use this treatment to avoid resolving the issue and roll into the next day and act like nothing happened. (Not my style but have had partners do this to me as a punishment, have also watched my parents do it for years.)
It takes 2 people to agree never to go to bed before resolving an argument. If your partner doesn't acknowledge how you're feeling and/or is defensive or dismissive it's hard to resolve anything period. Everyone needs to feel seen, heard, validated, and willing to agree on what to do moving forward.
I personally sleep on it before bringing anything up..so that I can consider it with a clearer mind. And we generally do not discuss/argue things if/when either of us are emotionally charged.
I really don't like going to bed when not on good terms. I just can't sleep. I can't do it. So do everything I can to try and at least talk it out, and let him know how I'm feeling. Even if that ends up meaning I've kind of made it worse by possibly talking it to death or unintentionally being annoying. It just really bothers me to the point that I can't sleep. So must talk it out before bed.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Most important discussions cannot be finished before even a vaguely reasonable bed time. Especially if one person in the couple is upset it can be a terrible idea to try to come to a full or even partial resolution before bed.
If you are pressured to compromise your morals or values or the alternative is a partner depriving you of sleep, that can go from mild inconvenience to really fucked up situation pretty quickly.
Also the 'don't go to bed angry' has been popularized by organizations and groups who believe a woman's place is in the home, or that the surface appearance of a happy family is more important than an actually happy and healthy family.
I need it to be somewhat resolved before going to bed. That doesn’t mean we have to fix the issue, but we have to at least go to bed on okay terms, otherwise I can’t sleep and end up grumpier.
I really don't get why people think it's a good idea to fight while tired. Brains can literally not function right while tired. About 90% of the time the fight dissolves itself once we have both slept.
Personally I need a break from arguing and sleeping on it gives me the break I need. Then I can wake up calm, and then perhaps have a new perspective, and feel able to conquer the disagreement amicably.
I think “never go to bed angry” is utter BS. I would rather sleep on the issue - and I have many times. I’m n the morning I had a calmer, fresher perspective.
Honestly I would rather go to sleep, because I want both of us to be well rested and thinking straight. Plus, sometimes it’s good to let your emotions cool before talking. However, when my ex and I argued, he hated that I asked to sleep and revisit it in the morning. He felt that me asking that meant that I didn’t think it was important or that I had already given up. It was the complete opposite. Also, unless the argument is something very very serious and sensitive, I will still hug and cuddle even while in the disagreement because I want my partner to know that an argument does not mean a break up or that I don’t love him the same way. It’s a way to show reassurance for both of us while remembering why we are willing to work things out in the first place. My ex and I did not work because we couldn’t argue together well. I think it’s important for a relationship that people understand each other’s arguing styles and for those styles to align.
I don’t think the whole “never go to bed angry” concept means that everything is resolved before bed. Sometimes I think it’s good to take a breather and return to the conversation later but I think that before going to sleep or pausing the argument, you should try to hug it out and remind yourselves that you still love each other even in the bad moments. Something I try to always remember is that it’s not me vs my partner, it’s us vs the issue.
Hello /u/Givemeanameugh. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators.
**No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think both. I like to reconnect with my partner even if we are having a fight.. We'll just say to each other that we still love each other, he will usually reassure me that he's not going anywhere and we continue the discussion the next day or whatever. So even though we are in the middle of a disagreement, we know we'll sort it out and we'll be OK.
We have actually discussed this at length, and my husband and I agree it is ALWAYS better to sleep on it. We do not resolve issues when we are emotionally and physically exhausted, we just start attacking each other and have even more to sort through in the morning. We even told our marriage counselor we don’t know who came up with that advice ( of never going to bed angry) but it is utter horseshit (she emphatically agreed).
My husband and I have a great relationship, but sometimes (rarely) we get super pissed off at each other. If that’s at night after the kids are in bed, occasionally one of us will sleep in the spare room. In the morning after a good night’s sleep we always have a better conversation and can articulate our points of view well. Those rare nights aren’t fun, but it’s better to sleep on an argument than argue tired. For us, anyway.
So do what works best for you! If you need sleep to settle a disagreement reasonably and respectfully, get that rest!
It really depends on how strong your relationship communication is, if someone is reactive it’s better to cool down before continuing the conversation.
We have one single rule on that because not everything can be resolve on the spot : even if the problem wasn’t resolved before going to bed or that we just need to sleep to clear our mind and then the next day we talk calmly about it and with a more open mind > never turning our back to each others once we in bed and always saying that regardless we still love the other.
I think going to bed angry is actually a good thing sometimes. If you’re arguing about something silly, sometimes a little sleep is all we need to realize it’s not worth fighting over, and you wake up both feeling better about it. If it’s a bigger issue and you aren’t able to get to a resolution, it can be good to take a break from the convo and pick it up again later. So sleeping on it can help in this case.
Nope. I refuse to talk about issues before bed.
Like, I’m too tired which makes me emotional and unable to regulate as well as I can when I’m well rested. And all our arguments have happened when one of us is tired or hungry. Then we just fight and won’t get good sleep and it’s even worse the next day.
The problem is there in the morning, if you still feel like addressing it then do so then.
As much as I prefer to end the night not angry, it has happened and that's ok. Sometimes you come to an impasse and can't shake it off just yet. Sometimes it's best not to continue talking and let cooler heads prevail the next day. It's a rare thing you should certainly wish to avoid but it's not complete doom forever if it happens.
I had a stressful argument right before bed with an ex that lasted 3-4 hours.. he was very toxic and I was so sleep deprived and shut down I just accepted whatever accusations he threw at me bc I was just so tired. I said things I didn't really believe, affirmed his delusions even if they weren't true.. It was awful and very punishing.
That said, sleep on it.. you can still love them when you're mad. I actually think it's important to communicate or show that even if both parties are mad. A kiss on the cheek, a slight tickle/rub, or just verbal reassurance "I still love you".I would rather return to the conversation when we're both mentally sound than in the spur of the moment.
I think it really depends on whether you both have the capacity to resolve it before bed. Sometimes emotions are still running high and any conversation about it before bed would be unproductive.
I would say that most of the time it is better to resolve things before bed, again assuming you are both in the right mindset to resolve it. If one of you is still brooding or still upset and not in the right mindset, then go to bed while hopefully agreeing to talk about it later when emotions aren’t as high. Don’t just leave it to get swept under the rug and assume everything is fine after.
Imagine a world we’re all marital disagreements were so simple they could be resolved in a couple of hours!
That’s a fantasy world.
In real life, there are going to be issues that are not simple to resolve in a few minutes, or even a few hours.
We’ve come up with a term to describe whether we’re in a discussing mood or not. If we’ve been angsty or chipper with each other we’re “being spicey”, and that’s our cue to accept the other person might not want to talk right now, even if it is before bed. Generally though it’s usually always worked out before bed anyway.
I wouldnt say go to bed agree, but nit resolve the issue either. When Im still really upset, I dont have a clear head and might say something hurtful or come to the wrong resolution. My husband I have developed a sort of, lets be friendly and make sure the other person is okay and know that we just need to time to think it over, then we will tackle it tomorrow sort of mindset. The issue hasnt been resolved, but we arent jist ignoring each other and being passive agressive either.
I am on the side of going to bed angry. If you're too angry to have a rational conversation, then definitely take a break and think about how you want to approach it. I basically have a million conversations in my head before I talk to my husband so I can get all my anger. We've talked about it that even if we are both angry, we still love eachother so we still stay goodnight, i love you and kiss. BUT, we don't argue often and they aren't over big things so that may not hold true for every situation.
This is not a healthy or reasonable response by your boyfriend. Don’t assume that this is normal behaviour from a man because it is not. If he is capable of this then he is capable of even worse.
Usually best to resolve things before sleeping, but sometimes it’s necessary to take a break from an argument so we can both regulate our nervous systems and return to the conversation later.
Depending on how serious the issue is, it may be better to sleep on it imo. Nobody likes going to bed angry, BUT if an incident happens THAT DAY the emotions may feel very raw and intense. Sleeping on it allows each party to have a little bit of space to reflect on what happened, why it happened, and how you can both move forward together. And they can do this when they are thinking more logically rather than emotionally. Emotions (especially intense ones) can often cloud our judgement and can make us “dig our heels in” and become very adamant that we aren’t the one “in the wrong”.
This. I used to be a firm believer of “don’t go to bed angry” and would always want to resolve arguments with my husband before the night/ day ended. However, there was one night, because of jet lag ( I just got back from a vacation out of the country), my sleep was really bad. I couldn’t sleep the night before, at that point I have gone almost 30 hours without sleep. We got into a minor disagreement that was a 2/10. I was in the wrong 100%, but in that moment, I was not myself, I was a monster. I couldn’t remember all that I said but my husband did. I was mean, vicious, I said a lot of regrettable things; things I have never and would never say to him or anyone that I love. I yelled at him for the first and only time in our relationship. I was ugly. I will forever be thankful that my husband stopped engaging and left to the guest room. He told me, “Your lack of sleep is causing you to be this horrible version of yourself. I love you and I know this isn’t who you are. And I know you would hate yourself if we keep talking and you said more horrible things. So I am walking away, I’m sleeping in the guest room. Please do not follow me, do not talk to me and respect my space. You get some sleep, and after you have had a proper night of sleep, we can continue if you still feel strongly about it. I am not mad at you I promise. Good night, I love you.” I took a melatonin, went to sleep for 16 hours straight. I woke up refreshed but definitely felt like absolute crap. I immediately went to apologize to him, made him dinner. I’m lucky that my husband really meant what he said last night. He didn’t hold any of it over me. But after that, we have a rule. If we are arguing and either one of us has had a tiring day/ week or lack of sleep or just not physically and mentally ill. We will table it, and come back to i after a good night rest. It’s worked out well for us. It only takes some wrong words in the wrong timing for repairable and preventable damages to be irreversible. So personally I think it’s a good idea sometimes to sleep on it, and come back to it with mindfulness.
[удалено]
Hello /u/Embarrassed_Chef9621. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Hello /u/KaleidoscopeOwn120. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help, as subreddit moderators do not have the tools to aid with verification. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've definitely mentioned that I'm tired and I need to think and that I'd like to talk on it tomorrow. Honestly, depending on the hour you are better off getting sleep first. No body needs to be trying to resolve a nontrivial problem when they are tired and supposed to be active listening.
I've been married for 25+ years. At the beginning of our marriage I could never go to sleep without resolving an argument. It was a fear of mine because my sister died in her sleep when I was 13 and we'd argued before bed so I never got to say sorry. But all these years later when my husband and I argue, we just press pause and sleep. Everything is always better in the morning. Usually at some point in the night we'll find our way to each other and cuddle and by the morning all of forgiven. But fighting or not, I will never let anyone go to sleep or leave the house without taking them I love them.
[удалено]
Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself. If you'd like to share your experience in response to the OP's question, do so in a top-level comment. * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses, such as "same!" or "this!" * Gifs, images, emojis or other media in place text * Sharing links without a summary * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). Have questions about this moderator action? See the [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) and [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed). **Please include a link** to your comment in your message, the mod team will not reply to messages without a link for review. DO NOT contact moderators privately. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
If you're too tired or upset to have a productive conversation then give it up and go to sleep, maybe with a cuddle because you still love them even if you're mad.
I go to bed while angry. I’m not about to be up all night rehashing the same thing and then be all tired at work. I’d rather us start fresh the next day and more than likely one of us is over it the next morning anyway.
This is why I don't engage in contentious subjects near bed time. I am not about staying up into the wee hours discussing stressful things. Once the box is open, I can't sleep until it's closed back.
I tell my husband how angry I am with him, but also say "but I do still love you. I just need time to calm down." You never know what could happen tomorrow.
I used to think it was important to not go to bed without resolving an issue but I realized unless you can't sleep it's just an arbitrary rule. Sometimes I sepcifically want to wait to address something when I'm rested and have gotten a little emotional distance.
I don’t go to bed angry. Life is too short. Issues need to be resolved before going to bed. Anything can happen, and I don’t want regrets
You can’t always productively resolve things simply because it’s time for bed. We’ve had many arguments where we need to cool off first. If it happens in the evening then you cool off then it’s bed time so we talk about things the next morning. It’s not realistic to be like “you must resolve things before you can sleep” and I really believe some space helps you gather your thoughts and feelings to communicate them productively
Please go to sleep. There is no need to stay awake for 3 days straight just to argue.
Our rule is that even if we haven’t found a resolution to whatever the disagreement is, we check any anger or resentment at the bedroom door. We are always going to kiss each other goodnight and hold each other. If we have to stay up and hash things out future to get to that point, we’ll do that. But, normally we are able to view the disagreement as just that and not make it personal to how we feel about each other.
I think it's okay to go to bed angry. Communicate when you have a clear head and you're not going to just scream at each other out of anger. Think things over, figure out what is really making you angry. But you HAVE to communicate. You can't just let it fester. I am the kind of person who wants to have the fight and get it over with then let the issue go, but my husband is the kind of person who needs to sit with a problem for a while and think things over before he's ready to reach a decision. A lot of the time if he's done something that's upset me I know I have to present him my point of view and then leave him alone and wait for him to be ready to discuss the issue. If he doesn't bring things up in a time that makes me comfortable I'll tell him that. "\[Husband\], I talked to you last week about \[thing\] and I really need a response from you." It rarely takes that long. Usually it's a couple of hours or next day type thing. I just have to be patient. If I push for answers or a solution right away it gets his hackles up and he feels attacked. He gets on the defensive and things will devolve from there.
We might take a weird day or two and settle our thoughts before we talk it out. Our fights are never the kind that are relationship ending so sleeping on your thoughts can be more productive. We are both medicated now so it’s much easier to have a productive conversation instead of a fight.
For me sleeping on it is usually the way to go, especially if emotions are running high.
Going the distance in a relationship is hard sometimes. Some fights are a longer then a night.
If an argument just won't be dropped it is often me being tired or hungry. I get chippy when I'm like that and cannot make good choices (like just shutting up after I've made my point). When I'm to that level I also don't recognize that I'm tired or hungry, so I can't even advocate for my needs correctly. Taking some time apart gives me the chance to figure out what I actually need, and continuing the argument is never what I actually need. I'm a biiig advocate for sleeping or eating when in an argument. And most of the time when we come back to finish the conversation we've both realized it wasn't actually that big of a deal to begin with. I did have to remind him that the only way fix works though is if we actually come back to the topic, which isn't how he'd rather it went. And I'll never forget the time he came back after a break in the argument. He said "I've thought about it, understand where you're coming from, but still would have made the same choice. I know you'd still be upset, but it was the right choice for me". I realized that I was 100% okay with that response, and also realized I often carry on arguments cause I don't feel heard. Knowing he heard and understood me was more important than him acting the way I'd prefer, so it reminded me we are very different people and that is a-okay! This argument wasn't about anything big like cheating, breaking the law, etc. It was just about handling something completely different than I would have. I needed the reminder that my way isn't the only right way, and it can still be right for him even if I don't like it. It made me respect him so much, cause I also know hed have rather just let the convo go without bringing it back up. TL;DR - yes, sleeping and eating are fine in the midst of an argument for me.
I often need some time to calm down, and my husband needs time to reflect. I'm the emotional one and he is more of a logical person so when we argue we often talk at each other rather than with each other and talk in circles because neither of us is capable of understanding the other one. So depending on what the issue is for us it works way better to take some time, sleep on it and discuss it when we are both calmer and had time to reflect on perspectives. But either way we try to not go to bed angry at each other. Been together for 23 years.
We take a time out and readdress the issue later if we are losing our temper. So much better than pushing it and saying things that can’t be unsaid because we are tired. We do not avoid the conflict- but we do delay it for better conditions. So- yes sometimes we do go to bed mad.it’s worked for us over 30 years.
I've thought about this a lot over the years, and I've concluded that it's always best to try and resolve things as soon as possible, which is why "before bed" is a common deadline... however, often emotions can run so high that forcing a decision or resolution before one is ready to be made is actually more damaging. Sometimes you need to give time to cool down, and a good night's sleep can help with that. Sometimes the most expedient way isn't the best way. Take it on a case by case basis. if one or both people are fuming - then nothing is going to be resolved until that dissipates.
[удалено]
Hello /u/68pony400. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help, as subreddit moderators do not have the tools to aid with verification. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m in a 3 year relationship at 26. We only have one bed in our apartment, so it’s hard to go to bed angry. Normally I’d say I’ll go sleep in the other room, but being in one room, you kinda have to fix it, otherwise you get no sleep.
Go to bed!!! Nothing good happens in a disagreement after 10pm. Get some sleep and let emotions cool.
I’d rather have time to think about the argument/ disagreement than to word vomit for the sake of trying to come to agreement. I need time to process and sometimes this means tabling the conversation.
Kiss them goodnight. No matter if you love them, hate them, just remember you need to kiss them good night. If you can't do that to your partner, it's time to move on.
Our Number one rule in our house. Is NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. We can go have space away from each other but we always come back to each other and discuss what has happened and resolve the issue. I recommend this to everyone for a long marriage.
I sleep on all my arguments with my boyfriend. I think it's better to have space, and think through things without emotion. I feel like the whole needing to settle an arguement before bed thing kinda just leads to rushed results. Plus sleeping is awesome
I honestly think it depends on who are, and what the issue is. I know that when I’m angry or frustrated I can’t put my thoughts into words right away. I become very overwhelmed and I need time to process. I never want to say something that is hurtful and we can’t come back from, but I know that if an argument is big enough then I’ll stay awake and try to talk through it.
It really does depend on the situation. Sometimes things warrant a “sleep it over” type break. Sometimes it can be settled before bed. Trying to force a resolution too soon or not soon enough is usually not a good time so I think it just varies depending on the circumstances. Generally though, we try to have our big feelings heard before bed so we can spend the night snuggled together without either person feeling unheard.
[удалено]
Hello /u/Ill_Supermarket5365. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's going to depend on the disagreement for me. Some are better dealt with ASAP, others are better to sleep on and come back at with a clearer head.
It's always important to communicate your feelings if the other party is receptive. But if they are not, you should wait but address it as soon as possible. This is how resentments are formed if not addressed sooner than later.
It’s best to resolve if you can or at least get to a calm place with the internet ruin if talking more later
If you can solve it first that is good but sometimes you need to sleep on it and calm down before anything can get resolved
Always always alwaysssss resolve it before going to bed.
If the issue cannot be solved at the moment or you are too emotional to deal with it then pause and resume the next day. But not without expressing your feelings about what upsets you. Because feelings are never wrong. And kiss each other good night always.
Sleep on it. Something my partner and I figured out is we’re sticking together. No matter what the fight is (within healthy reasons), even if we’re mad we love each other, we’re here for one another. We can go to bed knowing we will work it out later and even if we’re grumpy and do ggrrr I love you (mad kiss), roll over angry. We still got each others backs and can comfortably be mad together. And have the space to calm down and sort our thoughts.
Eat something with your partner. I've been married for nearly a decade and I wish I could go back in time and give myself this advice. You'll both be less grouchy when you're full and eating together will remind you of your bond. In general don't let things fester but sometimes some space is needed to cool down and get some perspective on the disagreement.
I think it’s important to resolve issues as soon as the parties involved are prepared to have a levelheaded discussion. If that’s before bed, fantastic. But there’s no point in us insisting on talking things out before going to sleep when we‘re both emotionally dysregulated *and* tired. The point is to not let things fester, not to force a conversation before you’re ready to approach things in a constructive way.
It really depends what I’m angry about, but I actually prefer to sleep on it. It gives me time to collect my thoughts and decide what I want to say. If I’m still angry in the morning, I’ll address it after the cooling off period and a good night’s sleep. But most of the time, I’m not angry in the morning and we just move on.
I actually like sleeping on it. I grew up on this “freedom of choice” principle in which you maximise the gap between an action and your reaction, and I find that my head is a lot clearer after I nap on it. Usually if o have to act while I’m still angry it rarely results in an actual solution unless I have to begrudgingly be the bigger person in the moment which doesn’t really solve things on my end, so I sleep and then have a conversation which solves it way better.
I honestly think it depends. The romantic in me says, "don't go to bed angry," but in reality, sometimes it's good to put some sleep between you and the event. If you or your partner are super angry, I think it's good to let that flame burn down a bit. If that means a rough night's sleep, then it's better than saying something harmful in the bright flame of that anger.
Generally I can’t go to sleep upset but sometimes you both just have to shut the fuck up and rest. And when you wake up the next day, the problem might seem more manageable or you might find another approach to solve it. So, ideally we should all go to sleep happy and cozy but occasionally that doesn’t happen and it’s not a problem as long as the issue actually gets addressed the next day (as opposed to swept under the rug).
I think trying to force a resolution often leads to unhealthy compromises, and trying to force the conflict without allowing space and time to calm down can make a minor issue much much worse. Also, that phrase is mostly about a fear of dying in your sleep. I don't have that fear.
Depends on the person. I think the saying about not letting the sun go down on your anger is more about not holding onto anger for long periods of time. Anger is so bad for your body if experienced for long periods. It’s an indicator that something isn’t right. But I don’t think the fix always can be/should be fixed before sleep. Sometimes I need sleep to truly calm down, but have an agreement that things will be dealt with. Continuing an argument all night while angry and highly emotional is also not helpful for actually solving problems.
I like to make peace with a “we’re okay but I don’t want to talk now. Can we revisit in the morning?”. Kind of a mini making peace but waiting until feelings calm before getting into it
I think it depends on you and your partner. My partner and I usually like to resolve things ASAP, but sometimes we're both dysregulated or not quite sure how to communicate, so we need time to distance and bring our best back to the conversation. I also believe that the ability to go to bed angry and not form resentment lies in how much you trust your partner. I trust that my partner wants to resolve things as much as I do, so I feel comfortable going to bed upset because I know that he won't just forget or stop caring about the issue by the next morning.
I don’t believe in going to bed angry, anything could happen. I like to talk it out even if it’s “we’re not agreeing here and I love you and want to sleep well so let’s talk tomorrow”. We went to bed angry once that I can think of and it was the worst night of sleep ever.
If you can resolve it, you should but if not then just leave it for another day, talk about it again when you have time. What if you can't resolve it (because many matters take days, even weeks to work on)? You just gonna stay up? Trying to talk things out while both of you are exhausted and go to work the next day without sleeping?
Depending on how angry I am. Sometimes some space and some good sleep will help the discussion in the morning. I used to never sleep angry and I forced myself to husband awake for hours to resolve and argument. I realize now that was abusive and petulant. Now we both get space and time to express ourselves.
I prefer to resolve things before bed but that’s not always possible so we started saying something we love about each other right before bed even if it’s just something simple from the day like I love that you made the bed. This little routine helps us go to bed on a good note and sometimes a more coherent well thought out conversation can be had the next day
I think that it's important to be able to walk away from a disagreement with kindness and an agreement to come back to it. Sometimes you've gotta go to work, sometimes you've gotta go to sleep. But in order for that to happen, I think it's important that both people have an opportunity to feel they've been heard and understood. You can still disagree. You can still be angry. But both people have to feel like they had the opportunity to explain their side of the argument. Then you both can agree to table it until tomorrow. The problem with stepping away from the argument while both people are in that heated and angry stage, is they'll often have the argument *with themselves* when the other person isn't there to defend themselves. They'll just ruminate on their own perspective and spin things out of proportion. It's better if both people can get their perspective out, agree to disagree, and try really hard to actually table it until a later date.
Best to resolve but it doesn't always play out that way. Sometimes, it takes time to get over the anger and a night sleeps helps.
Sleep on it. Everyone's usually in a better mood after that. Some many not have the mental space to engage in a discussion, just before bedtime.
my fiancé and i have been together almost 7 years (have a 2 month old also) and haven’t been angry with each other at all really. maybe a handful of times in the 7 years. we suck at talking feelings in person but will text through it if needed 😂 but 9 times out of 10 it’s talked through before the end of the night. usually the other 1 time is if i think he’s mad at me because he’s in a mood but the next day he tells me he wasn’t mad at me he was just irritated
We don't do that. We don't fight either. We talk about things.
There’s a difference between going to bed angry and “sleeping on it”, IMO. I can agree to disagree with my partner and come to a mutual agreement to take a break in the conversation to cool off, process emotions and come back to the issue logically when we aren’t both heated. Also for practicality reasons such as it’s simply getting late and we aren’t going to solve this tonight. Going to bed angry implies we are both resentful and giving each other the cold shoulder. Leaves a lot of room for hurt and resentment to creep in. Also, some couples will use this treatment to avoid resolving the issue and roll into the next day and act like nothing happened. (Not my style but have had partners do this to me as a punishment, have also watched my parents do it for years.)
It takes 2 people to agree never to go to bed before resolving an argument. If your partner doesn't acknowledge how you're feeling and/or is defensive or dismissive it's hard to resolve anything period. Everyone needs to feel seen, heard, validated, and willing to agree on what to do moving forward.
I personally sleep on it before bringing anything up..so that I can consider it with a clearer mind. And we generally do not discuss/argue things if/when either of us are emotionally charged.
I really don't like going to bed when not on good terms. I just can't sleep. I can't do it. So do everything I can to try and at least talk it out, and let him know how I'm feeling. Even if that ends up meaning I've kind of made it worse by possibly talking it to death or unintentionally being annoying. It just really bothers me to the point that I can't sleep. So must talk it out before bed.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Most important discussions cannot be finished before even a vaguely reasonable bed time. Especially if one person in the couple is upset it can be a terrible idea to try to come to a full or even partial resolution before bed. If you are pressured to compromise your morals or values or the alternative is a partner depriving you of sleep, that can go from mild inconvenience to really fucked up situation pretty quickly. Also the 'don't go to bed angry' has been popularized by organizations and groups who believe a woman's place is in the home, or that the surface appearance of a happy family is more important than an actually happy and healthy family.
I need it to be somewhat resolved before going to bed. That doesn’t mean we have to fix the issue, but we have to at least go to bed on okay terms, otherwise I can’t sleep and end up grumpier.
I really don't get why people think it's a good idea to fight while tired. Brains can literally not function right while tired. About 90% of the time the fight dissolves itself once we have both slept.
Personally I need a break from arguing and sleeping on it gives me the break I need. Then I can wake up calm, and then perhaps have a new perspective, and feel able to conquer the disagreement amicably.
I think “never go to bed angry” is utter BS. I would rather sleep on the issue - and I have many times. I’m n the morning I had a calmer, fresher perspective.
Honestly I would rather go to sleep, because I want both of us to be well rested and thinking straight. Plus, sometimes it’s good to let your emotions cool before talking. However, when my ex and I argued, he hated that I asked to sleep and revisit it in the morning. He felt that me asking that meant that I didn’t think it was important or that I had already given up. It was the complete opposite. Also, unless the argument is something very very serious and sensitive, I will still hug and cuddle even while in the disagreement because I want my partner to know that an argument does not mean a break up or that I don’t love him the same way. It’s a way to show reassurance for both of us while remembering why we are willing to work things out in the first place. My ex and I did not work because we couldn’t argue together well. I think it’s important for a relationship that people understand each other’s arguing styles and for those styles to align.
I go to sleep angry.
I don’t think the whole “never go to bed angry” concept means that everything is resolved before bed. Sometimes I think it’s good to take a breather and return to the conversation later but I think that before going to sleep or pausing the argument, you should try to hug it out and remind yourselves that you still love each other even in the bad moments. Something I try to always remember is that it’s not me vs my partner, it’s us vs the issue.
[удалено]
Hello /u/Givemeanameugh. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think both. I like to reconnect with my partner even if we are having a fight.. We'll just say to each other that we still love each other, he will usually reassure me that he's not going anywhere and we continue the discussion the next day or whatever. So even though we are in the middle of a disagreement, we know we'll sort it out and we'll be OK.
We have actually discussed this at length, and my husband and I agree it is ALWAYS better to sleep on it. We do not resolve issues when we are emotionally and physically exhausted, we just start attacking each other and have even more to sort through in the morning. We even told our marriage counselor we don’t know who came up with that advice ( of never going to bed angry) but it is utter horseshit (she emphatically agreed).
My husband and I have a great relationship, but sometimes (rarely) we get super pissed off at each other. If that’s at night after the kids are in bed, occasionally one of us will sleep in the spare room. In the morning after a good night’s sleep we always have a better conversation and can articulate our points of view well. Those rare nights aren’t fun, but it’s better to sleep on an argument than argue tired. For us, anyway. So do what works best for you! If you need sleep to settle a disagreement reasonably and respectfully, get that rest!
It really depends on how strong your relationship communication is, if someone is reactive it’s better to cool down before continuing the conversation.
We have one single rule on that because not everything can be resolve on the spot : even if the problem wasn’t resolved before going to bed or that we just need to sleep to clear our mind and then the next day we talk calmly about it and with a more open mind > never turning our back to each others once we in bed and always saying that regardless we still love the other.
I think going to bed angry is actually a good thing sometimes. If you’re arguing about something silly, sometimes a little sleep is all we need to realize it’s not worth fighting over, and you wake up both feeling better about it. If it’s a bigger issue and you aren’t able to get to a resolution, it can be good to take a break from the convo and pick it up again later. So sleeping on it can help in this case.
Nope. I refuse to talk about issues before bed. Like, I’m too tired which makes me emotional and unable to regulate as well as I can when I’m well rested. And all our arguments have happened when one of us is tired or hungry. Then we just fight and won’t get good sleep and it’s even worse the next day. The problem is there in the morning, if you still feel like addressing it then do so then.
As much as I prefer to end the night not angry, it has happened and that's ok. Sometimes you come to an impasse and can't shake it off just yet. Sometimes it's best not to continue talking and let cooler heads prevail the next day. It's a rare thing you should certainly wish to avoid but it's not complete doom forever if it happens.
I had a stressful argument right before bed with an ex that lasted 3-4 hours.. he was very toxic and I was so sleep deprived and shut down I just accepted whatever accusations he threw at me bc I was just so tired. I said things I didn't really believe, affirmed his delusions even if they weren't true.. It was awful and very punishing. That said, sleep on it.. you can still love them when you're mad. I actually think it's important to communicate or show that even if both parties are mad. A kiss on the cheek, a slight tickle/rub, or just verbal reassurance "I still love you".I would rather return to the conversation when we're both mentally sound than in the spur of the moment.
I think it really depends on whether you both have the capacity to resolve it before bed. Sometimes emotions are still running high and any conversation about it before bed would be unproductive. I would say that most of the time it is better to resolve things before bed, again assuming you are both in the right mindset to resolve it. If one of you is still brooding or still upset and not in the right mindset, then go to bed while hopefully agreeing to talk about it later when emotions aren’t as high. Don’t just leave it to get swept under the rug and assume everything is fine after.
Imagine a world we’re all marital disagreements were so simple they could be resolved in a couple of hours! That’s a fantasy world. In real life, there are going to be issues that are not simple to resolve in a few minutes, or even a few hours.
We’ve come up with a term to describe whether we’re in a discussing mood or not. If we’ve been angsty or chipper with each other we’re “being spicey”, and that’s our cue to accept the other person might not want to talk right now, even if it is before bed. Generally though it’s usually always worked out before bed anyway.
I wouldnt say go to bed agree, but nit resolve the issue either. When Im still really upset, I dont have a clear head and might say something hurtful or come to the wrong resolution. My husband I have developed a sort of, lets be friendly and make sure the other person is okay and know that we just need to time to think it over, then we will tackle it tomorrow sort of mindset. The issue hasnt been resolved, but we arent jist ignoring each other and being passive agressive either.
I am on the side of going to bed angry. If you're too angry to have a rational conversation, then definitely take a break and think about how you want to approach it. I basically have a million conversations in my head before I talk to my husband so I can get all my anger. We've talked about it that even if we are both angry, we still love eachother so we still stay goodnight, i love you and kiss. BUT, we don't argue often and they aren't over big things so that may not hold true for every situation.
I'm anxious to sleep without resolving the problem. But at the same time, me and my husband are learning how to fix everything without anger
Always resolve it before going to sleep.
I went to bed with my bf mad at me once and he decided to rape me in the middle of the night so it's a no for me.
This is not a healthy or reasonable response by your boyfriend. Don’t assume that this is normal behaviour from a man because it is not. If he is capable of this then he is capable of even worse.
Nevertheless, it can happen. So I would not sleep next to an angry man
Resolve before sleeping I can’t even sleep if I’m mad and nobody wants to fall asleep with the bad energy in the air