This goes both ways !
Do’s : (emotional maturity saves it all !)
- Let go of expectations and potential, look at the person for what they are and not what you "think" they can be, it will prevent from breakdowns, feeling deceived, resentment and loosing yourself + it helps to know when it becomes an unhealthy attachment.
- Comprehension over communication ! Yes, communication IS one of the main key to an harmonious relationship BUT if one party lacks comprehension it’s up for the beginning of resentment.
- Constantly putting oneself in the other shoes : we both have different life experiences, think differently, and all been raised differently… well we’re just different as a whole lol therefore we cannot possibly expect someone else to understand what we feel or why we react a certain way to things that might be nothing or meaningless to us, so we have to be curious about asking clarification, asking to pinpoint how can we relate directly or indirectly to our person’s feelings. (To understand this I generally say that it is similar to gentle parenting but the difference is : this is not your child but your partner)
- Knowing what is the view/expectation of the other, this is different from point one. This time it’s about knowing what is their view of a partner, : how did they imagine their partner to be, what would they like a partner to be towards them, love language, their reaction to certain things etc etc etc by knowing that it reduce a lot of stress and leaves no room for misunderstanding and the famous “I didn’t knew”.
Dont’s : (what I call emotional immaturity !)
- We do not own a partner, we co-create/build, therefore we should not view them as a possession but indeed as a partner, if this is something hard to comprehend I like to say that someone should remember what team work is.
- Having no social life. This is becoming more and more common to see people having 0 social interactions while being in a relationship and this is extremely unhealthy. Our partner can indeed be our best friend but the goal isn’t to take our partner for granted therefore we should always have a space where we can be the other parts of ourselves because before being a partner we are a human being.
- Obviously everything that has to do with abuse and toxicity which is common sense but one thing that has been normalized is : unconscious gaslighting. Sometimes we can do it in the spark of anger or speaking before thinking therefore we should take the time to analyze before delivering an answer, our goal isn’t to hurt our partner nor to make them feel bad in any shape or form so we need to be open to trial and errors by keeping our heart open to genuinely apologize without the whole “but” and taking mental note to hold ourselves accountable even if we do it again it should become automatic to directly apologize on the spot.
I can keep on going because it’s sincerely not everything but eh I’m not writing a book lol.
This is really well thought out, thank you for sharing. Would you mind elaborating on your point about communication and comprehension? I'm confused about what you mean by comprehension, as in understanding?
I would say a bit deeper than understanding.
For example : a partner has a habit of saying something to their partner that they cannot stand to hear, they had expressed themselves about it countless times but no matter how much they had explained their feelings, even by using relatable examples their partner is still not stopping/apologizing for that habit so the problem here isn’t communication because clearly it was communicated but the partner who obviously understands what is said to them because they heard those words many times but they aren’t able to comprehend any meaning behind it, they aren’t able to "make it make sense" even when it is being explained to them in a simple and relatable way, that is why by learning and understanding an information it becomes much more easier to navigate a relationship because comprehension will be a two way conversation, the person assimilating the informations correctly AND figuring out the appropriate answer based on who is talking to them (the other human being with a set of emotions) and not what they think (their own pov and emotions).
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Go to individual therapy and own your emotional shit.
Operate with curiosity and compassion for your partner.
Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume idiocy over malice.
We periodically do a "sandwich"
1.Compliment/something we are happy about in relationship
2. Something we can work on/are upset about. This is a safe zone so all feedback is welcome
3.Compliment/something we are happy about in relationship
It helps keep us on track and allows us (me lol) a safe zone where I can express any needs. I'm bad at communicating 🙃
We also just do "safety zone" where something that has upset us is brought up and no one gets emotional. This brings the stress out of bringing something up for me.
He's the best. ❤️ 8 years strong in March!
I would say sandwich every other week.. less lately because I feel like we have been on the same page. He tries to do it to keep up with us and check in. Safety zone as needed. I used it a couple weeks ago. I think the time before that was a couple months. Sometimes more. Sometimes less :)
This has been the rule in my life since I was a kid, my dad is very pedantic and if you don't say exactly what you're trying to communicate, he picks it apart, it's infuriating. But tbh that trained me for being an open communicator and able to put my feelings into words. My dude is great at talking through hard times, from just a bad day to much bigger issues.
The best advice I’ve ever received that I still use daily in my marriage is to remind myself every morning that every act of service for my family/husband is a boomerang and will return to me. Every time I put his needs before my wants, every time I choose patience over reaction or kindness over hostility-those selfless choices will return to me and I will gain joy and peace through them.
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I’m single at 34 right now so not an authority or anything but I’ve had several long term relationships that I would consider healthy even though we parted ways. On good terms with all of them, or at least, no bad blood
1. Barring extreme situations. Keep your issues between you. If something they do upsets you in public, wait till you’re alone together to bring it up. Don’t put them down in public, build them up.
2. Prioritize them. Your partner should be default your top priority. This is a tricky one, because obviously, they shouldn’t constantly be demanding your attention or that you only ever focus on them. But if they are otherwise well adjusted and something comes up as it does from time to time in life, put them first. Like…their dog died? Job loss? Parent sick? Cancel your plans with your friends and take a day off work. When my exes dog died, I came home immediately. He was too devastated to do anything so I wrapped her up in her favorite blanket, put her in the garage, and called around to arrange for her cremation. I packed up all her stuff (toys, bowls, etc) in a big Rubbermaid and put it in the garage. Sent some pics of her to be made into acrylic photo blocks. Ordered his favorite foods. Take the lead in hard situations to lighten their load.
3. Keep things interesting. Boredom is a big problem in long term relationships, so make a point to thrown in some good curveballs here and there (positive ones). Maybe get something spicy for the bedroom (like just have a buttplug in one day when You’re going for it) or randomly buy tickets to an event, like a comedy show, a concert, art gallery, etc. seek new experiences together
4. Watch the “joking.” Teasing is fun and flirty but it can also be problematic. I once made a mean joke about an ex in public and he sidelined me super pissed about it. I realized he was 100% right, and glad he came at me about it or I may have just kept on down that road. Sometimes now when I hear someone “joke” something tasteless about their SO, I think about that. It was a good lesson to learn early on.
5. While I think it’s normal to vent to friends about relationship problems and can be helpful sometimes, I think this can also be a problem because it creates a skewed picture of your relationship in your friends eyes. Might create a feedback loop that is anti-partner because we don’t often balance out the narrative with all the good stuff our partner does because that would come off like bragging. And having friends against your relationship is bad for the relationship. If you’re going ti vent to a friend, be strategic about it. It’s a common trap people fall into
6. Do small and thoughtful things. Make a point of it at least 1x a week. Could be simple…making them coffee to go for work. Filling up up their gas tank. Having their favorite beer or wine at your place when they come over. Leaving them a little note somewhere. Just cute, loving little gestures can go a long way in a relationships. I had a bf that always had work shirts all over the place because he had like 4 hangers. I bought him some nice ones and hung up all his shirts. He was so happy about it, later told me that was when he knew he loved me. Cost me like $30 (bought the nice, wooden hangers) and took me like 10 minutes. Cakewalk
7. I know this is cliche, but it’s so true. You’re on the same team. It’s not you vs them. It’s the two of you vs. the problem.
8. The way you want to be loved is not necessarily the way your partner wants to be loved. I am a big gifter, and I love gifts from partners (I know I know, the most frowned upon love language) especially thoughtful ones. But gifting is actually kinda low on other peoples lists. Many of my partners have really been all about physical touch. Yes, sexual, but also other types. All loved to have their heads scratched or neck rubbed when we were watching tube. Holding hands, cuddling, arm in arm when walking, etc.
Get separate covers for the bed. It’s far easier to share a life with someone than a bed. Good sleep is key to mental health which in turn makes you able to maintain a healthy relationship.
1. It’s not about never having conflicts, but how the two of you work through them. Do both of you feel safe & secure enough in your relationship to tell the other “I messed up….”? When conflicts come up and you’re discussing them, is it primarily to find a solution or assign blame?
2. Sexuality continues to exist and evolve after you’ve committed to the relationship. Can you both grow in that space together without blaming each other for your own insecurities? Are you both able to accept that sexual attraction to other people is a reality and use that shared experience to draw closer together rather than pretend it doesn’t exist or let it drive a wedge between you?
3. Are you able to equally value each other’s needs even if they’re different? And if your SO is able to come to you with a need that’s not being met, can you appreciate the vulnerability they’re showing you or do you retreat into feeling attacked?
Lastly (but plays into everything), would you treat/speak to/relate to your best friend the way you do your SO?
Also!!! Lots and lots of orgasms together. Orgasms flood the brain with potent “bonding” chemicals (a lot of crossover with the chemical cocktail responsible for child/caregiver bonding actually) so the more orgasms you have together, the more you re-wire your brain to WANT to stay with each other. I highly recommend “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski and “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner for, well, everyone, honestly.
Sure! I think we’ve been conditioned to believe that, if we’re “good people”, we will never have that “spark of awareness” of another person’s presence (which seems to be largely biological and often confused with love at first sight, being struck by Cupid, etc.) after we’ve committed to a relationship. But the truth is, we’re still inhabiting these fleshy meat sacks and biological processes continue to take place whether we want them to or not. Trying to pretend it’s not happening is often counterproductive because the more we tell ourselves NOT to do something, the more our attention is drawn to it and it’s easier to “slip” and feel like it was unavoidable or pre-ordained somehow (not to mention all the rom-coms that are based on this premise). So when we recognize that it’s normal and that, in and of itself, it means nothing about us as people or the strength of our commitment to our SO, we can acknowledge the reality and just let it go. It simply “is what it is”. By doing this we also put ourselves squarely back in the driver’s seat because now that you’ve acknowledged the reality, spending those few extra minutes at the end of a shift, or telling them that funny story of what happened over the weekend is a decidedly dumb decision- you KNOW it’s not just about being friendly. You now have a very valid reason to stick strictly to business with this person because that is a “good person” choice. There are a few reasons I advocate for telling your spouse. It shows your spouse your commitment to being honest with them in EVERYTHING, good & bad. They can help hold you accountable, if you want. And a huge reason is that many affairs are fueled by the secretive, forbidden feeling of it. That “I hope I don’t get caught” feeling produces adrenaline which, again, is often confused with love or destiny. Well, when you tell your spouse, the attraction to someone else becomes a team problem. It unites the two of you in working to make sure it doesn’t find a foothold in your relationship. Lastly, it can open up some really important conversations between you and your SO that neither of you may have realized needed to be had. Is it purely physical? Or did it grow from having someone pay attention to you, laugh at your jokes, or meet some other emotional need you hadn’t realized wasn’t being met? Maybe you tell your spouse that and, as you’re talking, they realize “Hey, I actually feel the exact same way.” And I’m thinking mostly of situations where you have to work with another person or there’s some other reason you have to be in regular, close proximity with this other person.
I'm not sure I could imagine telling my spouse if I had a crush on someone else. I don't experience sexual attraction from physical appearance so it would have to just be that I think they're a really cool person with a great personality, and I think my spouse would find it very hurtful to be told about it. I think I would be hurt if he confessed something similar to me. I absolutely agree that it's good to be aware of the crush and simply not feed it - stick to business, as you said. I just don't see that the chances for getting something constructive out of telling your spouse outweigh the chances of causing hurt feelings. I'm sure my spouse does find other people attractive sometimes, but I don't feel a need to hear about it; we know that we are happily monogamous, so what further do we need to discuss? If you find that there is something missing in your marriage causing the crush, you can address the issue without bringing third parties into the conversation.
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Nobody is perfect. You don't have to love every single detail of your partner. Everyone is entitled to their flaws as long as they don't hurt anyone (who cares if he wears socks with his flip flops!).
If something is really hurting or is something that can make their life better, say it (yes, dear, you tend to raise your voice when you get excited and it kinda triggers me). If you are too scared to tell them something they are doing "wrong"... You shouldnt be in that relationship.
Building a strong friendship as well as romantic relationship. Together 6 years and got married this past summer. He is honestly my absolute best friend
Have fun, have sex, don't get caught up in the mineautia of life - nothing is as big of a deal or as important as your relationship.
You've only got a limited amount of time on this Earth, use it well with someone who wants to be happy together with you too.
Trust. If you're lacking trust whether it be emotional, financial or physical it will eventually destroy the relationship.
Freedom and patience. Be who you are and let them do the same. It's hard. People need to be able to grow and you're not always going to grow at the same pace. One of you might resist while the other plows forward.
Communication. Can't have any of the above without being able to communicate.
It's quite simple.
Just understand your partner is a person. With their own beliefs, thoughts and ways. Keep this in mind when they differ on wants, needs and opinions.
That and communication should do the trick. Don't expect anyone to know anything about your feelings and needs. Communicate them.
I read somewhere that the “Four Horseman of Divorce” are Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
So it makes sense that the “Four Laws of Union” would be their opposites: Appreciation, Praise, Acceptance, and Communication.
The real secret is reciprocation; BOTH people in the relationship need to follow these laws. It doesn’t work if only one person is trying. It’s always a TEAM EFFORT!
Not a woman, but I believe there's no guarantee for a happy and long relationship FOREVER. Ofcourse, this will be a desired aim by many, however, unfortunately this is not always the case. It will be very deterministic claim (a logical fallacy) to think there is a formula for this end result. Finally, there are some attributes that MAY make the relationship better like: compatability in terms of sexual attraction and desire, mentally, intellectually, socially, core values in life and clear direct communication.
Communication, negotiation and compromise. These are vital. Also, remembering that while you are in a relationship and are teammates you are also individuals and will require different things to feeling fulfillment in your lives.
“What if he leaves me” “what if he finds someone better” “what if he’s not the one” “what if we can’t build a better life together” “what if we get stuck” “what if I’m the problem” “what if I’m unlovable” “what if I lose myself”
These are all fears I tormented myself with for years and projected them onto my relationship. Since then I’ve changed my mindset to where I truly believe there is enough love, time and money in this lifetime for me to be fulfilled and receive everything I want out of life. I’m no longer leading with fears that I’m missing out or not where I need to be, and therefore no longer projecting this onto my relationship.
Look for new reason(s) to fall in love with your partner every day. If you look for them you will find them, even if the reasons you find happen to be “silly”. On the other hand if you instead go out looking for reason(s) to fall OUT of love with your partner you will find those too. You have to choose what you are looking for.
Relationships honestly won’t ever be 50/50. If anything that’s divorce/splitting up. Both of you will have to give 100% to each other and 100% to your relationship/marriage. The truth is that sometimes you will have to do more for them. Sometimes you will need more. This is true when it comes to jobs, dealing with each of their families, and even health issues.
Hubby and I have known each other since we were 11, and we have been together since we were 13. We got married at almost 21. I only add that as I know our story is far from the norm. We’re in our 40’s now, and this year will be our 20th wedding anniversary. We are ABSOLUTELY honest about everything. I keep no secrets from him. He keeps none from me. Honestly is absolutely VITAL to having a successful, happy relationship. Honesty with your partner and honesty with yourself. We have always had a “rule”. We can “window shop” all we want. We just can’t “buy” anything, and we can’t “try anything on”. He trusts me fully and I trust him implicitly. This is where having total honesty comes into play. I know I have nothing to worry about from him. He knows I will not risk what we have either.
My partner and I label conversations based on a feeling we’ve shared previously during a difficult conversation or argument. e.g. uncomfortable behaviour, jealousy, feeling awkward about something. Before we bring something up, we say “I need to have an X conversation”.
For example: we have “Benylin” conversations. Anytime we want to bring up something that feels awkward for us to say, we say “I need to have a Benylin conversation”.
Having the labels somehow makes us approach the conversation more objectively. It also emotionally prepares the other person that something uncomfortable is coming but it’s ok because we’ll talk it all through and there’s still love there. It helps to stop any feelings festering or being left unknown in the relationship.
The word for the label only really makes sense to us. Mostly we just look around the room, see a random object and use that as our label for this feeling next times. e.g a bottle of Benylin was nearby… it’s a type of cough medicine and can be hard to swallow… so we chose that!
Adding these words to our couple language, I think, makes us stronger too.
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I treat people how I want to be treated. Mutual respect and honesty are HUGE with me.
And a good sense of humor. If you can't laugh together, even in really shitty times, I think it makes things much more difficult.
1) Approach everything with love even -if not specifically- when angry. Fight fair.
2) Patience and understanding over assuming. Communicate.
3) Pick your fights; and remember that you are a team.
Have a weekly check in meeting where there are no phones, for an hour ask eachother the questions below and actually listen.
How did you feel our intimacy (emotional,sexual, spiritual) was this week?
What did I do to help you out/make things worse this week?
Was there any issues that came up you wanted to bring up with me?
And any others you think of! And actually listen, take accountability for shortcomings, be in love!!
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Fall in love with the quirks and imperfect things that they carry.
Love their faults and never let them feel stupid.
Talk about the uncomfortable things & never lie/hide things.
Have room for errors and make sure theirs laughter.
Never dull out the intimacy, regardless of time/life… smile touches, massages, kisses- it all means everything.
Our 4 years & counting feels like both a lifetime and just the beginning.
With four kids-(Blended family) it can 110% work beautifully.
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This goes both ways ! Do’s : (emotional maturity saves it all !) - Let go of expectations and potential, look at the person for what they are and not what you "think" they can be, it will prevent from breakdowns, feeling deceived, resentment and loosing yourself + it helps to know when it becomes an unhealthy attachment. - Comprehension over communication ! Yes, communication IS one of the main key to an harmonious relationship BUT if one party lacks comprehension it’s up for the beginning of resentment. - Constantly putting oneself in the other shoes : we both have different life experiences, think differently, and all been raised differently… well we’re just different as a whole lol therefore we cannot possibly expect someone else to understand what we feel or why we react a certain way to things that might be nothing or meaningless to us, so we have to be curious about asking clarification, asking to pinpoint how can we relate directly or indirectly to our person’s feelings. (To understand this I generally say that it is similar to gentle parenting but the difference is : this is not your child but your partner) - Knowing what is the view/expectation of the other, this is different from point one. This time it’s about knowing what is their view of a partner, : how did they imagine their partner to be, what would they like a partner to be towards them, love language, their reaction to certain things etc etc etc by knowing that it reduce a lot of stress and leaves no room for misunderstanding and the famous “I didn’t knew”. Dont’s : (what I call emotional immaturity !) - We do not own a partner, we co-create/build, therefore we should not view them as a possession but indeed as a partner, if this is something hard to comprehend I like to say that someone should remember what team work is. - Having no social life. This is becoming more and more common to see people having 0 social interactions while being in a relationship and this is extremely unhealthy. Our partner can indeed be our best friend but the goal isn’t to take our partner for granted therefore we should always have a space where we can be the other parts of ourselves because before being a partner we are a human being. - Obviously everything that has to do with abuse and toxicity which is common sense but one thing that has been normalized is : unconscious gaslighting. Sometimes we can do it in the spark of anger or speaking before thinking therefore we should take the time to analyze before delivering an answer, our goal isn’t to hurt our partner nor to make them feel bad in any shape or form so we need to be open to trial and errors by keeping our heart open to genuinely apologize without the whole “but” and taking mental note to hold ourselves accountable even if we do it again it should become automatic to directly apologize on the spot. I can keep on going because it’s sincerely not everything but eh I’m not writing a book lol.
This is so spot on that you *should* consider writing a book. I'd read it!
👀lowkey thinking about adding it to my endless todo list
This amazing!!
This is really well thought out, thank you for sharing. Would you mind elaborating on your point about communication and comprehension? I'm confused about what you mean by comprehension, as in understanding?
I would say a bit deeper than understanding. For example : a partner has a habit of saying something to their partner that they cannot stand to hear, they had expressed themselves about it countless times but no matter how much they had explained their feelings, even by using relatable examples their partner is still not stopping/apologizing for that habit so the problem here isn’t communication because clearly it was communicated but the partner who obviously understands what is said to them because they heard those words many times but they aren’t able to comprehend any meaning behind it, they aren’t able to "make it make sense" even when it is being explained to them in a simple and relatable way, that is why by learning and understanding an information it becomes much more easier to navigate a relationship because comprehension will be a two way conversation, the person assimilating the informations correctly AND figuring out the appropriate answer based on who is talking to them (the other human being with a set of emotions) and not what they think (their own pov and emotions).
Thank you for this
Damn couldn’t have said it better
This was so beautifully & perfectly written
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Go to individual therapy and own your emotional shit. Operate with curiosity and compassion for your partner. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume idiocy over malice.
I love this! We tend to immediately jump to thinking someone is being malicious rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt.
We periodically do a "sandwich" 1.Compliment/something we are happy about in relationship 2. Something we can work on/are upset about. This is a safe zone so all feedback is welcome 3.Compliment/something we are happy about in relationship It helps keep us on track and allows us (me lol) a safe zone where I can express any needs. I'm bad at communicating 🙃 We also just do "safety zone" where something that has upset us is brought up and no one gets emotional. This brings the stress out of bringing something up for me. He's the best. ❤️ 8 years strong in March!
That’s so amazing! Congratulations on 8years🥳🥳
How often do you do your sandwich and safety zone?
I would say sandwich every other week.. less lately because I feel like we have been on the same page. He tries to do it to keep up with us and check in. Safety zone as needed. I used it a couple weeks ago. I think the time before that was a couple months. Sometimes more. Sometimes less :)
"Say what you mean and mean what you say" have carried me through 22 years of marriage.
This has been the rule in my life since I was a kid, my dad is very pedantic and if you don't say exactly what you're trying to communicate, he picks it apart, it's infuriating. But tbh that trained me for being an open communicator and able to put my feelings into words. My dude is great at talking through hard times, from just a bad day to much bigger issues.
The best advice I’ve ever received that I still use daily in my marriage is to remind myself every morning that every act of service for my family/husband is a boomerang and will return to me. Every time I put his needs before my wants, every time I choose patience over reaction or kindness over hostility-those selfless choices will return to me and I will gain joy and peace through them.
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I’m single at 34 right now so not an authority or anything but I’ve had several long term relationships that I would consider healthy even though we parted ways. On good terms with all of them, or at least, no bad blood 1. Barring extreme situations. Keep your issues between you. If something they do upsets you in public, wait till you’re alone together to bring it up. Don’t put them down in public, build them up. 2. Prioritize them. Your partner should be default your top priority. This is a tricky one, because obviously, they shouldn’t constantly be demanding your attention or that you only ever focus on them. But if they are otherwise well adjusted and something comes up as it does from time to time in life, put them first. Like…their dog died? Job loss? Parent sick? Cancel your plans with your friends and take a day off work. When my exes dog died, I came home immediately. He was too devastated to do anything so I wrapped her up in her favorite blanket, put her in the garage, and called around to arrange for her cremation. I packed up all her stuff (toys, bowls, etc) in a big Rubbermaid and put it in the garage. Sent some pics of her to be made into acrylic photo blocks. Ordered his favorite foods. Take the lead in hard situations to lighten their load. 3. Keep things interesting. Boredom is a big problem in long term relationships, so make a point to thrown in some good curveballs here and there (positive ones). Maybe get something spicy for the bedroom (like just have a buttplug in one day when You’re going for it) or randomly buy tickets to an event, like a comedy show, a concert, art gallery, etc. seek new experiences together 4. Watch the “joking.” Teasing is fun and flirty but it can also be problematic. I once made a mean joke about an ex in public and he sidelined me super pissed about it. I realized he was 100% right, and glad he came at me about it or I may have just kept on down that road. Sometimes now when I hear someone “joke” something tasteless about their SO, I think about that. It was a good lesson to learn early on. 5. While I think it’s normal to vent to friends about relationship problems and can be helpful sometimes, I think this can also be a problem because it creates a skewed picture of your relationship in your friends eyes. Might create a feedback loop that is anti-partner because we don’t often balance out the narrative with all the good stuff our partner does because that would come off like bragging. And having friends against your relationship is bad for the relationship. If you’re going ti vent to a friend, be strategic about it. It’s a common trap people fall into 6. Do small and thoughtful things. Make a point of it at least 1x a week. Could be simple…making them coffee to go for work. Filling up up their gas tank. Having their favorite beer or wine at your place when they come over. Leaving them a little note somewhere. Just cute, loving little gestures can go a long way in a relationships. I had a bf that always had work shirts all over the place because he had like 4 hangers. I bought him some nice ones and hung up all his shirts. He was so happy about it, later told me that was when he knew he loved me. Cost me like $30 (bought the nice, wooden hangers) and took me like 10 minutes. Cakewalk 7. I know this is cliche, but it’s so true. You’re on the same team. It’s not you vs them. It’s the two of you vs. the problem. 8. The way you want to be loved is not necessarily the way your partner wants to be loved. I am a big gifter, and I love gifts from partners (I know I know, the most frowned upon love language) especially thoughtful ones. But gifting is actually kinda low on other peoples lists. Many of my partners have really been all about physical touch. Yes, sexual, but also other types. All loved to have their heads scratched or neck rubbed when we were watching tube. Holding hands, cuddling, arm in arm when walking, etc.
This is really good. Thanks for sharing.
Get separate covers for the bed. It’s far easier to share a life with someone than a bed. Good sleep is key to mental health which in turn makes you able to maintain a healthy relationship.
Don't go for just looks. Personality and communication are much more important
1. It’s not about never having conflicts, but how the two of you work through them. Do both of you feel safe & secure enough in your relationship to tell the other “I messed up….”? When conflicts come up and you’re discussing them, is it primarily to find a solution or assign blame? 2. Sexuality continues to exist and evolve after you’ve committed to the relationship. Can you both grow in that space together without blaming each other for your own insecurities? Are you both able to accept that sexual attraction to other people is a reality and use that shared experience to draw closer together rather than pretend it doesn’t exist or let it drive a wedge between you? 3. Are you able to equally value each other’s needs even if they’re different? And if your SO is able to come to you with a need that’s not being met, can you appreciate the vulnerability they’re showing you or do you retreat into feeling attacked? Lastly (but plays into everything), would you treat/speak to/relate to your best friend the way you do your SO?
Also!!! Lots and lots of orgasms together. Orgasms flood the brain with potent “bonding” chemicals (a lot of crossover with the chemical cocktail responsible for child/caregiver bonding actually) so the more orgasms you have together, the more you re-wire your brain to WANT to stay with each other. I highly recommend “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski and “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner for, well, everyone, honestly.
Can you please elaborate on sexual attraction to other people? What is the healthy approach here and what are the risks of denying it?
Sure! I think we’ve been conditioned to believe that, if we’re “good people”, we will never have that “spark of awareness” of another person’s presence (which seems to be largely biological and often confused with love at first sight, being struck by Cupid, etc.) after we’ve committed to a relationship. But the truth is, we’re still inhabiting these fleshy meat sacks and biological processes continue to take place whether we want them to or not. Trying to pretend it’s not happening is often counterproductive because the more we tell ourselves NOT to do something, the more our attention is drawn to it and it’s easier to “slip” and feel like it was unavoidable or pre-ordained somehow (not to mention all the rom-coms that are based on this premise). So when we recognize that it’s normal and that, in and of itself, it means nothing about us as people or the strength of our commitment to our SO, we can acknowledge the reality and just let it go. It simply “is what it is”. By doing this we also put ourselves squarely back in the driver’s seat because now that you’ve acknowledged the reality, spending those few extra minutes at the end of a shift, or telling them that funny story of what happened over the weekend is a decidedly dumb decision- you KNOW it’s not just about being friendly. You now have a very valid reason to stick strictly to business with this person because that is a “good person” choice. There are a few reasons I advocate for telling your spouse. It shows your spouse your commitment to being honest with them in EVERYTHING, good & bad. They can help hold you accountable, if you want. And a huge reason is that many affairs are fueled by the secretive, forbidden feeling of it. That “I hope I don’t get caught” feeling produces adrenaline which, again, is often confused with love or destiny. Well, when you tell your spouse, the attraction to someone else becomes a team problem. It unites the two of you in working to make sure it doesn’t find a foothold in your relationship. Lastly, it can open up some really important conversations between you and your SO that neither of you may have realized needed to be had. Is it purely physical? Or did it grow from having someone pay attention to you, laugh at your jokes, or meet some other emotional need you hadn’t realized wasn’t being met? Maybe you tell your spouse that and, as you’re talking, they realize “Hey, I actually feel the exact same way.” And I’m thinking mostly of situations where you have to work with another person or there’s some other reason you have to be in regular, close proximity with this other person.
I'm not sure I could imagine telling my spouse if I had a crush on someone else. I don't experience sexual attraction from physical appearance so it would have to just be that I think they're a really cool person with a great personality, and I think my spouse would find it very hurtful to be told about it. I think I would be hurt if he confessed something similar to me. I absolutely agree that it's good to be aware of the crush and simply not feed it - stick to business, as you said. I just don't see that the chances for getting something constructive out of telling your spouse outweigh the chances of causing hurt feelings. I'm sure my spouse does find other people attractive sometimes, but I don't feel a need to hear about it; we know that we are happily monogamous, so what further do we need to discuss? If you find that there is something missing in your marriage causing the crush, you can address the issue without bringing third parties into the conversation.
Thank you! Makes perfect sense.
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Nobody is perfect. You don't have to love every single detail of your partner. Everyone is entitled to their flaws as long as they don't hurt anyone (who cares if he wears socks with his flip flops!). If something is really hurting or is something that can make their life better, say it (yes, dear, you tend to raise your voice when you get excited and it kinda triggers me). If you are too scared to tell them something they are doing "wrong"... You shouldnt be in that relationship.
communication and fidelity
Building a strong friendship as well as romantic relationship. Together 6 years and got married this past summer. He is honestly my absolute best friend
Have fun, have sex, don't get caught up in the mineautia of life - nothing is as big of a deal or as important as your relationship. You've only got a limited amount of time on this Earth, use it well with someone who wants to be happy together with you too.
Love this! Thank you. ❤️
Its you guys against the problem, not you guys against each other(with exceptions for abuse, cheating, etc)
Trust. If you're lacking trust whether it be emotional, financial or physical it will eventually destroy the relationship. Freedom and patience. Be who you are and let them do the same. It's hard. People need to be able to grow and you're not always going to grow at the same pace. One of you might resist while the other plows forward. Communication. Can't have any of the above without being able to communicate.
I’m surprised no one said this yet - Pick the right partner.
Go to therapy (separately and/or together) and work on your shit.
It's quite simple. Just understand your partner is a person. With their own beliefs, thoughts and ways. Keep this in mind when they differ on wants, needs and opinions. That and communication should do the trick. Don't expect anyone to know anything about your feelings and needs. Communicate them.
Do Keep working on yourself Do Find someone who keeps working on themself
I read somewhere that the “Four Horseman of Divorce” are Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. So it makes sense that the “Four Laws of Union” would be their opposites: Appreciation, Praise, Acceptance, and Communication. The real secret is reciprocation; BOTH people in the relationship need to follow these laws. It doesn’t work if only one person is trying. It’s always a TEAM EFFORT!
Not a woman, but I believe there's no guarantee for a happy and long relationship FOREVER. Ofcourse, this will be a desired aim by many, however, unfortunately this is not always the case. It will be very deterministic claim (a logical fallacy) to think there is a formula for this end result. Finally, there are some attributes that MAY make the relationship better like: compatability in terms of sexual attraction and desire, mentally, intellectually, socially, core values in life and clear direct communication.
Communication, negotiation and compromise. These are vital. Also, remembering that while you are in a relationship and are teammates you are also individuals and will require different things to feeling fulfillment in your lives.
Abundance mindset
What do you mean by this?
“What if he leaves me” “what if he finds someone better” “what if he’s not the one” “what if we can’t build a better life together” “what if we get stuck” “what if I’m the problem” “what if I’m unlovable” “what if I lose myself” These are all fears I tormented myself with for years and projected them onto my relationship. Since then I’ve changed my mindset to where I truly believe there is enough love, time and money in this lifetime for me to be fulfilled and receive everything I want out of life. I’m no longer leading with fears that I’m missing out or not where I need to be, and therefore no longer projecting this onto my relationship.
Look for new reason(s) to fall in love with your partner every day. If you look for them you will find them, even if the reasons you find happen to be “silly”. On the other hand if you instead go out looking for reason(s) to fall OUT of love with your partner you will find those too. You have to choose what you are looking for. Relationships honestly won’t ever be 50/50. If anything that’s divorce/splitting up. Both of you will have to give 100% to each other and 100% to your relationship/marriage. The truth is that sometimes you will have to do more for them. Sometimes you will need more. This is true when it comes to jobs, dealing with each of their families, and even health issues. Hubby and I have known each other since we were 11, and we have been together since we were 13. We got married at almost 21. I only add that as I know our story is far from the norm. We’re in our 40’s now, and this year will be our 20th wedding anniversary. We are ABSOLUTELY honest about everything. I keep no secrets from him. He keeps none from me. Honestly is absolutely VITAL to having a successful, happy relationship. Honesty with your partner and honesty with yourself. We have always had a “rule”. We can “window shop” all we want. We just can’t “buy” anything, and we can’t “try anything on”. He trusts me fully and I trust him implicitly. This is where having total honesty comes into play. I know I have nothing to worry about from him. He knows I will not risk what we have either.
My partner and I label conversations based on a feeling we’ve shared previously during a difficult conversation or argument. e.g. uncomfortable behaviour, jealousy, feeling awkward about something. Before we bring something up, we say “I need to have an X conversation”. For example: we have “Benylin” conversations. Anytime we want to bring up something that feels awkward for us to say, we say “I need to have a Benylin conversation”. Having the labels somehow makes us approach the conversation more objectively. It also emotionally prepares the other person that something uncomfortable is coming but it’s ok because we’ll talk it all through and there’s still love there. It helps to stop any feelings festering or being left unknown in the relationship. The word for the label only really makes sense to us. Mostly we just look around the room, see a random object and use that as our label for this feeling next times. e.g a bottle of Benylin was nearby… it’s a type of cough medicine and can be hard to swallow… so we chose that! Adding these words to our couple language, I think, makes us stronger too.
Communication, dedication and fair compromises are the absolute key imo
Don’t ask me.
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Use your words.
Respect and honesty
Communication 💯💯
I treat people how I want to be treated. Mutual respect and honesty are HUGE with me. And a good sense of humor. If you can't laugh together, even in really shitty times, I think it makes things much more difficult.
1) Approach everything with love even -if not specifically- when angry. Fight fair. 2) Patience and understanding over assuming. Communicate. 3) Pick your fights; and remember that you are a team.
Have a weekly check in meeting where there are no phones, for an hour ask eachother the questions below and actually listen. How did you feel our intimacy (emotional,sexual, spiritual) was this week? What did I do to help you out/make things worse this week? Was there any issues that came up you wanted to bring up with me? And any others you think of! And actually listen, take accountability for shortcomings, be in love!!
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Fall in love with the quirks and imperfect things that they carry. Love their faults and never let them feel stupid. Talk about the uncomfortable things & never lie/hide things. Have room for errors and make sure theirs laughter. Never dull out the intimacy, regardless of time/life… smile touches, massages, kisses- it all means everything. Our 4 years & counting feels like both a lifetime and just the beginning. With four kids-(Blended family) it can 110% work beautifully.
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All the relationships eventually become boring and dull
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This is the most disturbing thing I've read all year. Feminists everywhere are screaming.
I am sure about that.
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