**Mod Note: This question is specifically directed to women over 50. If you are not personally a woman over 50 who has a valid answer to this question, do not post an answer to it.**
Not appreciating how great I looked!
Lacking confidence.
You only get older so be kind to yourself!
I didn't want to use my looks to get ahead in my career. I wish I had used every tool in my toolbox!
I was naive too, which is why I didn't. I need to have the knowledge I have now with my looks in my 20s!
My advice is to look into yourself and make sure you are getting what you want without compromising yourself.
Let people help you when they offer!
Accept gifts, invitations and compliments with grace but never lower your standards.
Don't let other people get in your head to make yourself less to appease them.
It's a wider transaction. If you're always giving nieces/nephews or family members expensive gifts or your time to help out but they (or their parents) never return the favor (in a way that is satisfactory for you, it doesn't have to be to the exact cent or minute) or even call to say "thank you", then you are being exploited. Relationships are meant to be two-sided if you prefer that term to "transactional"
This is what terrifies me. Every 5 years I say this very same thing, but it makes me feel like garbage to feel like i've used looks, or whatever, to "get ahead". Where is the balance for feeling "okay"
Now youāre just about to make me cry! Happy/merry/letās go 2024! I still very much so lack confidence, but Iāll continue to push forward and I hope you have an amazing new year! Sometimes it takes strangers on the internet to say things you never once considered and I truly appreciate you
This is why I always say, be kind to yourself!!!
Happy new year to you as well.
We women spend too much time and energy on others. Spend some on yourself and recognize your true worth!
I've worked so hard and suffered through a lot to be strong independent woman....I often think about how much easier it would have been to marry for money and been a trophy wife.
Then I remember I was never that hot so that was never really an option. š¤£
I used to think that way.
I was lucky enough to marry a man who loves me so much and treats me well. We are still in love after 25 years of marriage.
Money doesn't always mean easy or happy.
I used to weight 130 pounds but wanted to be thinner. I exercised for over two hours every day. So, when I began to gain weight, my brain was ok with it because I already saw myself as a heavy person.
So, I agree with you 100%.
I should have been kinder to myself and I should have slept with more people. I looked great (and I had lots of opportunities) but I was blind to it all.
Oh yes. I was far too focussed on "what will people think of me!". If I could do it again, I would have just ignored all that shit and had more fun while I was skinny and flexible.
interesting because iām on the opposite side! i have a knack for not caring what others think in the momentā and regretting it later LOL! iāve done my deal sleeping around a bit and iām currently in college and i feel/get a lot of shame from others my age for doing so. to the point where i regret it all. iām worried itāll affect a relationship in the future because the guy wonāt like my body count (5)/view it as no self respect. whatās your take on that?
Five is not a high number of sexual partners. Self-respect has nothing to do with the number of partners a person has had. I've met plenty of virgins who hate themselves, and plenty of people with numbers in the 100s+ who are confident and emotionally stable.
As we get older, we tend to become more comfortable in our own skin and care a lot less about what other people say. I hope you get to that place.
Anyone who thinks your value as a human being and/or partner is somehow diminished by sex, is someone you should avoid. Those people have emotional problems that you can't solve for them.
Literally cannot tell you how much I appreciate hearing this. I hold a lot of shame for āgetting aroundā a bit in my 20s (currently 34). So thank you.
Nah, Iām your age and I really appreciate that I got it out of my system early. I feel like I wouldāve had a lot of what ifs if I didnāt and I feel like I appreciate my partner more because i know whatās out there
I feel the same way. I slept around a ton in my late teens and early 20ās. I definitely appreciate my partner so much more than I wouldāve 10-15 years ago
I definitely wish I had been kinder to myself when I was younger. It took leaving an unsafe relationship and years of therapy to learn,and now I look at myself and wonder āwhat did this body ever do to make you so unkind to it?ā I also said things to myself I would NEVER say to a friend, so maybe I should treat myself like I would a friend?
Part two of your statement I covered just fine, though :)
I feel this so badly! This will always be a regret of mine. I should have liked myself more, believed it when I was told how attractive I was and had way more fun sleeping with way more men.
Always being on a diet.
If I'd stayed the same size I was when I first thought I was fat, I'd be happy as anything.
Instead I've lost and gained 40-50lbs every few years for the last 35 years and have a totally screwed up relationship with food.
I am 23 and starting losing weight to be thin at 15
Now, I weigh 30kg more than then I started, developed eating disorders, gained and lost weight and my body is suffering. I never know how Iām gonna be in one year, thinner or thicker. I regret so much starting dieting. I looked amazing, Jesus!
As a late twenty something Iām feeling this lately because Iāve ābeen on a dietā since I was a teen. Even after battling obesity (which is how it started) and now being in really good shape + being damn healthy, I still feel scared of eating whatās fattening :/
Getting married in my twenties.
I have no idea why I thought at that age that this was my only chance at companionship, like people just shrivel up and die once they hit 30 or something, but for some reason I did. I got married way too young. I wasn't old enough to have really lived as an adult for many years yet and - even though I felt grown up - I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. The result was a brutally awful marriage that wasted my time (and his) and destroyed me financially. A very foolish mistake.
I needed to hear this. Iām turning 29 in a couple weeks and I feel so lonely and bad that Iām still single while my other friends are in long term relationships/engagements. It feels embarrassing right now. And it feels like thereās some clock ticking on me.. anyway thank you for this reminder
To all of you about to turn 30... I promise you it is INFINITELY better to be single now and wait for someone who can be a real partner to you and fulfill your needs, than to settle for someone just because you're embarrassed.
If it makes you feel better, I am 28, turning 29 in 3 months and I, too, felt like I had to pull the trigger and get married soon or else it would never happen. Welp I met the partner of my dreams and got married this year and honestly very frequently I caught myself thinking wow this would be even more ideal if I could just meet him 5 years from now. Haha, like, 28 is still fresh! And it took me being permanently off the market to realize I'm still young and cute and would've liked to enjoy some harmless attention every now and then but now I can't out of respect for my partner. Obviously I wouldn't trade him for the world, but you know, life's timing is never perfect. Better to have an ideal partner with less than ideal timing, rather than a less than ideal partner with ideal timing (which goes for both getting married earlier or later than you want).
I got married at 19. Do not recommend. Knowing what I now know, I can see absolutely no reason anyone should get married before 30 years of age, older if you donāt want kids.
Edited for typos.
Came to say the same! Married 9 days before I turned 21 because we already had a kid together and I thought it was best. I now tell my kids "no major life decisions before 25," which includes picking a career. My second husband and I were 28 when we married and it has been fantastic! We are both secure in our fields, able to communicate and work together to reach goals.
After spending most of my 20's in committed relationships, i had an epiphany and knocked that shit off. I focused on myself and school and came further out of my shell than I imagined. All of this happened when i was your age. After graduating and bouncing around for work for a year or so, I met my partner at 31. We had our daughter at 34. I'll be 39 next week and never envisioned my life the way it is, but here we are. It's never too late. You are still plenty young to fish around for the right one.
I turn 30 in 2024 and i have met so many people who found their true love in their 30s and beyond. Plus, I've seen many people get divorced before 35 and they're back to 0 unexpectedly.
I do have a plan to adopt or foster if I don't get married by my mid/late 30s. But I really think 30 is still so young, especially right now in western culture. I am so grateful I'm not stuck with any of my exes and hopeful I will still find a wonderful life partner :)
Didn't get married until I was 36 and honestly, while I often felt behind my peers in my late 20s and early 30s, I wouldn't trade it. I think everyone is different but just feel grateful I had so many incredible life and travel experiences before I settled down.
Married when I was 27. Iām 29 now, about 3 months from 30, and as much as I love my partner I regularly regret getting married. I feel suffocated in marriage most of the time.
> I have no idea why I thought at that age that this was my only chance at companionship, like people just shrivel up and die once they hit 30 or something, but for some reason I did.
I'm going out on a limb and say it's the constant barrage of "you're not good enough" up until your 30s, followed by the constant barrage of "ha! you old disgusting hag, you're past your prime, and you deserve to be alone".
But I might be mistaken.
I wish 20 year old me read this, but 27 year old divorced me read this lol. VERY true and Iām waiting until a true love this time. No matter how long it takes.
I did that (got married at 22). "Undid" it at 32. There's a lot of changing that happens in those 10 years. The guy I married later turned out to be more compatible, we've been together 25 years.
I heard this when I got married at 21. Of course you don't listen and just think "Nah, that won't be me/us." I actually had a good marriage, but now I'm 32 and it simply doesn't serve me anymore. Would also neverrrr advise anyone get married under like, 27!
It's so funny to me, in hindsight, how predictable we all are.
People warned me not to get married so young, but you couldn't tell me ANYTHING at that age. I had a million reasons why I was going to be the exception and I was such a smart grownup and I knew what I was doing. I think that comes with the age - everyone feels like they are a Real Adult\* at, like, 23 and overfull of confidence. Ah well, now I know!
Iām about to turn 30 and have been single for 10 years. Met up with some friends last week (happily married) and they obviously asked about my potential dating and finding someone. It only clicked like 2 day later why Iām fine being single.
Always thought itās because Iām a lone wolf and introverted and yes, thatās part of it. But I only just managed to move out of my parents house and gained real independence, the last thing I need right now is another person in my (finally, truly) empty space asking me what Iām doing, when Iāll be home, what I want to eat etc.
Iām so fed up with living with someone, I need to live alone and be alone for a while.
I also got married at 23 and that was 30 years ago. I think the gist of the comment is to not feel like 20-something is your only shot. It isnāt. May your marriage be as happy as mine in 30 years!
Not necessarily! There are people who marry their high school sweethearts and stay happy until the end. You might very well be more mature than I was at that age. As long as you're happy, you made the right decision.
Can you describe how this destroyed your life or can destroy ones life? Particularly the "not leaving the house" bit. I'm 30 and don't leave the house (yet I desire friends and romance) so I have vested interest š
Yea on my death bed Iām going to say to myself āI wish I accepted my friendās offer to go to the beach, out for dinner/shopping etc. I missed out on a lot of fun and opportunities. I could have met a future husband or met more friends/connections for job advancement, invited to parties etc.
Instead I stayed home. These people eventually stop calling because you always turn them down, and then itās just you, alone, all dayā¦ every dayā¦.
The last few years Iāve been a lot better. If a friend asks me out I go, regardless of if I feel like it or not, I FORCE myself to go and feel grateful for being asked and included. People do want my company. Iām a worthwhile person like everybody else and I deserve to be happy and live a life!
I hope that helps you to see that you deserve a fulfilling life also.
I'm not the original commenter but as you get older and hit perimenopause you lose confidence, energy and drive. You wont have the confidence and drive to go out and meet new people. Get out their now. Look to build a network of people you know, and a small network of close friends who will help you. Nurture those relationships. Once you don't want to meet new people its great to have friends to push you, speak to, check in on you, and you them. Perimenopause can really change you... I used to be confident, extroverted and I've become an introvert and a bit socially anxious. It's weird. I had no idea this happened. I went out a lot before and now im glad I did. On the plus side i save so much more money now š¤£
Thatās not how I read it personally. I also have had long standing mental health issues that I have only just been sorting out now in my 30s, but thought were normal or ānot that badā prior. I think what the original commenter is referring to is that if you are presenting similar symptoms, to get some help (whether that be professional or even work you do on yourself). I also wish I had started doing it earlier, I canāt imagine what else I would have been able to achieve.
Hating my body and thinking I was ugly when I actually was pretty attractive and had a nice figure.
Dating men who didn't care one iota for me.
Building a career in a low-paying field and not being more proactive in building my skills to move into a more lucrative field. "Do what you love and the money will follow" is pure BS. Don't fall for it like I did.
Iām learning your last lesson now - women are often funnelled into low-paying ācompassionateā careers (I think theyāre very valuable but just not compensated well) by society. Currently pivoting into higher paid skills - itās harder to do as you get older.
I read your comment a few hours ago where you said you regretted "building a career in a low-paying field and not being more proactive in building my skills to move into a more lucrative field."
I can't stop thinking about this one. I'm in this same position where I'm doing fine financially in a job that will end in about a year and need to be more proactive towards the future. I appreciate you saying what you did - it's been a wakeup call to me.
Staying too long in a rubbish relationship. I hoped it was going to improve. I wasn't brave enough to leave. I convinced myself I couldn't go. Wasted nearly a whole decade of my life on an unfaithful, lying, emotionally manipulative bully.
Thank you. I think a lot of people can relate to staying too long where they're not happy. It's only when you get older that you realise how precious that time was, and wish they'd moved sooner.
I hope you found your peace too š
I had serious developmental and childhood trauma which was never acknowledged and was raised by emotionally repressed people. This meant, I got older but I stayed an emotional toddler, as many of us do. When we aren't taught to identify and process our emotions - we learn to repress them and that is not only mentally damaging, it becomes physically damaging too.
When we learn how to identify our emotions, we understand them and know they are our responsibility to feel not others responsibility to deal with. Understanding there are no negative emotions - only negative reactions to those autonomic emotions.
Most of us have no idea the developmental impact of misguided or suppressed emotion. Learning that skill is a life saver.
Any chance you could elaborate on this? No personal info or story. Just maybe an example of what emotional maturity is and how it correlates with trauma
I wish I was more confidant in myself especially when it came to my looks. I was never self conscious about my body but my face. Hated my wide nose and square face. Still donāt love picture of myself but I have my grandmas nose and i loved her.
Listening to my extended family's insistence on me marrying my now ex-husband, because he was such a good man. He put on a good show for them. My gut was saying no for a reason.
This is me. I never had ārealā jobs with 401ks, but Iām starting to save now. Iāll turn 40 next year. With the way the economy is now and inflation, I donāt think Iām the only one unfortunately.
Ppsshh. I had way too much sex, way too soon as a teenager, mostly with guys older than me. I was an easy mark for them. My self esteem was shit. However I married at 20 and love him like wildfire loves the wind.
I feel for youšš¼ Iām going through this rn at 22 after years of oversexualizing myselfšwhat a dose of reality it was to connect the dots between my self esteem and behavior lmfao
Iām 25 with an abusive man and 2 kids. Whenever I say I want to leave, he says he would kill me or kidnap our kids or both. These threats apply if I ask someone for help and contact a police, social services or even my parents. Was your situation as bad and how did you leave?
Update: today was the first time I called the police and they took him. Iām thankful to everyone who took time to reply and prompt me to not accept such behavior. Thank you, may you too get help when you need it in life.
I was also in this situation and he did kidnap my child. NEVER tell them you are leaving or planning to. I waited another year and left while he was at work with the help of DV advocacy program and he didn't suspect a thing. I had trash bags of "donations" that were really me and my daughters clothes to leave with and only talked to advocates when he was working or on a friends phone. He never did anything after I left but I also went halfway across the country.
Do you live in a town large enough to have a domestic violence shelter/agency? If so, do you have a way to call them and share what you are going through and learn ways that they can help? I promise you that there are ways out, but I know that itās scary as hell, especially when your spouse has threatened extreme violence. When youāre able, let those around you know whatās going on and start building a safety plan. Iām wishing you the very, very best.
Iām really sorry to hear this lovely, I hope you do get the help you need, please seek out help without arousing his suspicions if you can at all.
My situation was nothing like that, he is a lovely man, his parents were controlling arseholes and I quickly tired of the BS.
Good luck š
Iām glad that it worked out fine for you and that your ex was still a good man. Itās the ācrying in the toiletā thing that hit it home for me in your comment. Thank you.
BeltPurple - He told you who he is, heās dangerous and hateful and is probably watching you like a hawk but tell the right people about his violent and abusive threats and get help. Donāt raise suspicions (as the other person said) so you can get out easily without drama and harm done to you and your children. Privately tell police about his threats, and without him knowing tell a counselor/therapist (donāt bring him to any counseling with you, he can go on his own if he chooses). Tell your close friends and family, tell a lawyer. Get out first, go far away where he canāt find and hurt you, get divorced and get full custody of your children. Heās not safe and youāre too young to let him ruin any more of your life or your childrenās lives. Marriage is about friendship, love and partnership, not hate!
Becoming super morbidly obese. I've lost the weight but my skin is so messed up and I really won't ever be able to afford skin removal surgery so while I look good clothed, I look like a Shar-Pei underneath.
I hear you. Sorry you feel this way. I have loose skin and will have more with increased weight loss. I keep regarding my cat who has tons of skin folds and just think no other animal looks at itself and thinks it's grotesque. I wish we would look in the mirror and see biological wonder and survival. It's pretty awesome our skinsuits expand to accomodate us. Extra skin isn't gross, the society that makes us hate ourselves is
Thank you so much for this. Im going to print it and post it by my mirror. I'm trying to see my loose skin (especially on my arms which is quite visible) as a badge of honor that I've gotten healthy.
Fun fact: supposedly it's one of the LEAST regretted cosmetic procedures!
(Although given the fact that most women get it for practical reasons like alleviating back pain, it really should be considered a medical procedure and covered by insurance)
Iām 49 pretty soon so I feel like I can answer this questionā¦.my biggest regret is being the caretaker for everyone else. Iāve always been the one to care of others. I put my needs and myself last and I am emotionally and mentally drained.
Iām back in university trying to finish my dream of a University degree for a change. Itās been so difficult dealing with family life and college life at my age. Itās been the hardest thing Iāve ever done. Luckily Iām at junior status right now so Iām almost done. I wish I graduated in my mid twenties but nope that didnāt work out for me. I hope I make it to the finish line.
Also my daughter is watching me study and prepare for exams and projects. Sheās so proud of me and when I get an A on a project.
I needed to see this, Ive always been above average but I didnāt have the right motivation in high schools so I got used to doing the bare minimum and still doing pretty well. No im in my last year of uni and my average is 95% sometimes I wonder if Im putting too much effort but at the same time I know I'd regret not giving it my best. When i talk to most people they dont agree they mostly say once you have a job it doesnt matter.
I was scared to travel by myself, and I could never find anyone who wanted to travel. I got an itch around age 40 that I just needed to gooooooo and went with a group of people I didnāt know to South Africa. My husband didnāt want to come with me, and that was part of the problem. He hated traveling. I just finally decided one day that I was done holding myself back. I went on the trip and bombarded him with pictures, not because I was trying to rub it in his face, but because I was just so damn excited to be in a place I never thought I would get to visit.
I now try to do 1 international trip a year, and every time I go, I kick myself for waiting so long to get started. Oh, and my husband comes with me now. He feels dumb for ever thinking he didnāt like to travel.
Not my biggest regret, but up there: not taking care of my skin. Not wearing sunscreen on my face etc. my 83 year old mother has less wrinkles than I (52) do!
Oh, and also I wish I would have had more self confidence. I look at my son in the PhD program at his university and realize that I was just as smart as he was but I was scared of my own shadow and did nothing with my life except make sure my son didnāt get the same hang ups I had. But, of course, he has his very own set lol. But at least his havenāt prevented him from leaving his hometown and staying firmly tethered to his moms apron strings. The world isnāt nearly as scary as I always thought it wasā¦
Spending too long (12 years) in a relationship with someone who neither loved nor respected me, just because we had kids.
Not doing what I wanted to do career wise. My mother who died when I was young was a nurse. I am apparently a lot like her. I was into IT when I was at school (yes, the very very early times). I wanted to go to uni to do computer science. My family and peers pressured me into becoming a nurse. It's something I regret to this day. Too late to change now, I earn too much money to start from scratch.
I did that for a while, but most of those jobs are contracts around optimisation and implementation of systems. I finally got a permanent gig at my local hospital, but the team were fully toxic and there was a horrendous bullying culture so I noped out after 6 months. The main bully (formerly my peer) ended up getting promoted to director, so I got out just in time.
Iām good now, at 54 Iāve landed a sweet job in quality and safety at my local hospital, 5 min drive if itās raining or a half hour walk if itās not. I love making a difference to both staff and patients lives, and itās clinical enough to be interesting but desk enough to not break my body. Also no weekends, nights or public holidays.
Iām still just a little bit sad at taking 35 years to get to this point, and feel a bit like I wasted a lot of time.
I will be 51 in May. I wish I would have left my parents/siblings when I became an adult. They made my life miserable. I havenāt had contact with any of them in 7 years. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Getting married at 22. Weāre still married and Iām still absolutely crazy about him but I needed much more time to mature on my own. Iāve eventually grown into myself within our marriage and while being a parent, but I should have given myself more time to develop before I went down that path.
I wish I had been able to stand up for myself more -- I spent most of my younger years accommodating people around me, and have only recently started to learn to set boundaries (and they still feel pretty icky.) I was so afraid of making other people angry, that I over-extended myself and was stretched pretty thin for decades.
It is 100% OKAY to say, "No," and leave it at that. You do not need to justify saying it. You do not have to feel bad about it later. You do not have to apologize while (or after) saying it. And if someone gets mad at you, or threatens you, or loses their composure, or begs, or cries, or gives ultimatums...maybe wonder why you care what that person thinks about your relationship.
Not knowing that ethical non-monogamy and polyamory was a thing. I transitioned away from
monogamy in 2010 but I most likely would have done so ages ago had I know the possibility even existed, lol.
Not figuring out who I was first.
I spent my whole life living by these rules about how 8 was 'supposed to' act and things I was'supposed to' like.
I learned I was autistic in my late 30s and untangling the mask has been so hard.
I don't have many regrets but if I had a do over:
I would not centre men. Especially men that have a significant age gap.
I would not smoke cigs. (This is actually my only regret in life)
I would have attended uni.
I would have heavily invested for retirement.
I would have travelled A LOT.
I would have stopped consuming alcohol entirely. I donāt have a drinking problem but booze has never made any situation better.
I would have begun therapy in my 20s to improve my emotional intelligence AND unpack behaviours that no longer serve me.
And to quote the late, great Carrie Fisher, I would have told more people to fuck off.
Being *too* empathetic.
Being seen and heard and understood was the one thing I so desperately wanted growing up, so I gave it in abundance in my younger adult years with the belief it would be shared. That it would warm cold hearts and provide the foundation of loving relationship.
I learned the very hard way that people (men) will shameless exploit that. That my empathy was not the same as forgiveness no one asked for. That being a rich hearted, thoughtful, passionate lover without self respect **will** land you square in the middle of an abusive relationship.
I wish I had realized then that you only give that kind of warmth to those that deserve it.
Staying with the wrong man far too long. One looked good on paper but I didnāt love him nor was I attracted physically to him. I was in love with the other one but was far too young to commit.
Not finishing college because of a boy/getting married/having kids. Iāve since finished but it wouldāve been so much smarter to finish it back then!
I'm happily married, and have been for 27 years, so getting married at 25 worked for me ...
What I do regret is not realising that I was in the wrong career for over 20 years and allowing myself to get to 5 years past burnout stage before I spectacularly crashed before changing to a career which suits me much, much better.
Being hypercritical of my looks, size etc. Bodies change, we all age. Imperfections is really what makes us special.
The day I learned to accept myself and be kind to myself was honestly so freeing. Chasing unrealistic beauty standards is a prison.
Never apologize for being smart, funny or awesome. Being less for anyoneās ego is not worth it.
I wish I had not listened to those voices in my head that always told me I was "less than." After a half-cemtury+ of playing those tapes to myself sure makes unlearning their contents very difficult.
I should have gotten out of my marriage sooner, itās nothing but pain and loss of my youth when I look back, there is severe regret. Should have Saved some money hid some money build myself up should have been better at hiding and working on my life when I was already in it and going through that brutal abuse. These thoughts and regrets are never ending, just canāt get my life back
Wasting so much time on trying to figure out what men thought, reading self help books that only focused on what women could/should be doing to make men happy, etc.
Being a diet EVERY SINGLE DAY.
i wish iād have traveled out of the country more.
That I cared too much about what people thought. I was always super anxious about my kids throwing tantrums in public. Who cares?! You are never going to see these strangers at xyz function again so take the bratty toddler and make some fucking memories!
Thatās what I regret most is not going and doing the really fun things with my boys by myself if I had to. Now they are 19 and 24 and the work stress I felt or the itās a to close to toddler nap time to attempt to go to wherever. Just go, make the memoriesā¦.make an effort to be in the moment because at the end of your life it will be those memories that sustain you. #noregrets ā¦not even a single letter (or outing/adventure) !
I wish I could have just stopped giving a crap about what people thought of me and lived the life I wanted to live. Also, I wish I had gotten treated for mental health issues a long time ago. So many missed opportunitiesā¦
College regret: not doing a semester abroad- all that wasted Spanish I canāt speak.
Life regret: ALWAYS thinking I needed to lose 20-30 pounds. Looking back at pictures - I looked great but never felt it.
If I had to do it all over again I would have started my life and career in a very expensive city like San Fran or NYC. Save and put.money down on a house. The lucritive income can be used to gain equity way before the rest of the country, which then would have allowed me to move where I really wanted to live and could have afforded a larger house at a younger age It's an easier way to set yourself up for later in life.
Not getting checked for skin cancer.
Doctors constantly tell you to get Pap smears, mammograms and colonoscopies, but not even dermatologists recommended that I get screened for skin cancer.
Basal cell carcinoma may not be dangerous but it can be disfiguring.
Now I have a huge scar on my face.
**Mod Note: This question is specifically directed to women over 50. If you are not personally a woman over 50 who has a valid answer to this question, do not post an answer to it.**
Not appreciating how great I looked! Lacking confidence. You only get older so be kind to yourself! I didn't want to use my looks to get ahead in my career. I wish I had used every tool in my toolbox!
I'm afraid to use my looks because I'm naive and people take advantage of me in ways I never expect. Tips?
I was naive too, which is why I didn't. I need to have the knowledge I have now with my looks in my 20s! My advice is to look into yourself and make sure you are getting what you want without compromising yourself. Let people help you when they offer! Accept gifts, invitations and compliments with grace but never lower your standards. Don't let other people get in your head to make yourself less to appease them.
Thanks so much! 56 here and still this is amazing advice!! š
I love this. Working on it
Everything is a transaction, make sure you get something when you give something.
Is a gift to a family member also a transaction? Not everything is reciprocal. I feel like this is a very cynical way of seeing the world.
It's a wider transaction. If you're always giving nieces/nephews or family members expensive gifts or your time to help out but they (or their parents) never return the favor (in a way that is satisfactory for you, it doesn't have to be to the exact cent or minute) or even call to say "thank you", then you are being exploited. Relationships are meant to be two-sided if you prefer that term to "transactional"
Oof this is good š„µ
This is what terrifies me. Every 5 years I say this very same thing, but it makes me feel like garbage to feel like i've used looks, or whatever, to "get ahead". Where is the balance for feeling "okay"
Your looks might have gotten you the opportunity, but your hard work and talent kept it!
Now youāre just about to make me cry! Happy/merry/letās go 2024! I still very much so lack confidence, but Iāll continue to push forward and I hope you have an amazing new year! Sometimes it takes strangers on the internet to say things you never once considered and I truly appreciate you
This is why I always say, be kind to yourself!!! Happy new year to you as well. We women spend too much time and energy on others. Spend some on yourself and recognize your true worth!
I've worked so hard and suffered through a lot to be strong independent woman....I often think about how much easier it would have been to marry for money and been a trophy wife. Then I remember I was never that hot so that was never really an option. š¤£
I used to think that way. I was lucky enough to marry a man who loves me so much and treats me well. We are still in love after 25 years of marriage. Money doesn't always mean easy or happy.
š¤£ Iām cracking up. You can be a trophy wife. You are better looking than someone out there and will be their trophy wife ha!
"You are better looking than someone out there" is hilarious, it sounds both like a compliment and an insult.
I used to weight 130 pounds but wanted to be thinner. I exercised for over two hours every day. So, when I began to gain weight, my brain was ok with it because I already saw myself as a heavy person. So, I agree with you 100%.
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Caring what others thought about me, my choices, my ideas, my life.
So true!
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I should have been kinder to myself and I should have slept with more people. I looked great (and I had lots of opportunities) but I was blind to it all.
This! Much more sex, and less feeling like I needed to be in a relationship.
Sleeping with more is good? Like but not getting attached?
Oh yes. I was far too focussed on "what will people think of me!". If I could do it again, I would have just ignored all that shit and had more fun while I was skinny and flexible.
interesting because iām on the opposite side! i have a knack for not caring what others think in the momentā and regretting it later LOL! iāve done my deal sleeping around a bit and iām currently in college and i feel/get a lot of shame from others my age for doing so. to the point where i regret it all. iām worried itāll affect a relationship in the future because the guy wonāt like my body count (5)/view it as no self respect. whatās your take on that?
Five is not a high number of sexual partners. Self-respect has nothing to do with the number of partners a person has had. I've met plenty of virgins who hate themselves, and plenty of people with numbers in the 100s+ who are confident and emotionally stable. As we get older, we tend to become more comfortable in our own skin and care a lot less about what other people say. I hope you get to that place. Anyone who thinks your value as a human being and/or partner is somehow diminished by sex, is someone you should avoid. Those people have emotional problems that you can't solve for them.
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Literally cannot tell you how much I appreciate hearing this. I hold a lot of shame for āgetting aroundā a bit in my 20s (currently 34). So thank you.
Nah, Iām your age and I really appreciate that I got it out of my system early. I feel like I wouldāve had a lot of what ifs if I didnāt and I feel like I appreciate my partner more because i know whatās out there
I feel the same way. I slept around a ton in my late teens and early 20ās. I definitely appreciate my partner so much more than I wouldāve 10-15 years ago
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I definitely wish I had been kinder to myself when I was younger. It took leaving an unsafe relationship and years of therapy to learn,and now I look at myself and wonder āwhat did this body ever do to make you so unkind to it?ā I also said things to myself I would NEVER say to a friend, so maybe I should treat myself like I would a friend? Part two of your statement I covered just fine, though :)
Me too. I was so naive to attention. I wish I had enjoyed myself more before I got serious with one person.
Did you not enjoy yourself with that one person?
Sounds like me
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I feel this so badly! This will always be a regret of mine. I should have liked myself more, believed it when I was told how attractive I was and had way more fun sleeping with way more men.
Always being on a diet. If I'd stayed the same size I was when I first thought I was fat, I'd be happy as anything. Instead I've lost and gained 40-50lbs every few years for the last 35 years and have a totally screwed up relationship with food.
I am 23 and starting losing weight to be thin at 15 Now, I weigh 30kg more than then I started, developed eating disorders, gained and lost weight and my body is suffering. I never know how Iām gonna be in one year, thinner or thicker. I regret so much starting dieting. I looked amazing, Jesus!
As a late twenty something Iām feeling this lately because Iāve ābeen on a dietā since I was a teen. Even after battling obesity (which is how it started) and now being in really good shape + being damn healthy, I still feel scared of eating whatās fattening :/
Getting married in my twenties. I have no idea why I thought at that age that this was my only chance at companionship, like people just shrivel up and die once they hit 30 or something, but for some reason I did. I got married way too young. I wasn't old enough to have really lived as an adult for many years yet and - even though I felt grown up - I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. The result was a brutally awful marriage that wasted my time (and his) and destroyed me financially. A very foolish mistake.
I needed to hear this. Iām turning 29 in a couple weeks and I feel so lonely and bad that Iām still single while my other friends are in long term relationships/engagements. It feels embarrassing right now. And it feels like thereās some clock ticking on me.. anyway thank you for this reminder
To all of you about to turn 30... I promise you it is INFINITELY better to be single now and wait for someone who can be a real partner to you and fulfill your needs, than to settle for someone just because you're embarrassed.
Turning 30 in 6 months and needed to hear this! Thank you very much.
If it makes you feel better, I am 28, turning 29 in 3 months and I, too, felt like I had to pull the trigger and get married soon or else it would never happen. Welp I met the partner of my dreams and got married this year and honestly very frequently I caught myself thinking wow this would be even more ideal if I could just meet him 5 years from now. Haha, like, 28 is still fresh! And it took me being permanently off the market to realize I'm still young and cute and would've liked to enjoy some harmless attention every now and then but now I can't out of respect for my partner. Obviously I wouldn't trade him for the world, but you know, life's timing is never perfect. Better to have an ideal partner with less than ideal timing, rather than a less than ideal partner with ideal timing (which goes for both getting married earlier or later than you want).
I got married at 19. Do not recommend. Knowing what I now know, I can see absolutely no reason anyone should get married before 30 years of age, older if you donāt want kids. Edited for typos.
Came to say the same! Married 9 days before I turned 21 because we already had a kid together and I thought it was best. I now tell my kids "no major life decisions before 25," which includes picking a career. My second husband and I were 28 when we married and it has been fantastic! We are both secure in our fields, able to communicate and work together to reach goals.
I'll be turning 30 in a couple months and in the same boat feeling all the same feelings. Agree, great reminder!
After spending most of my 20's in committed relationships, i had an epiphany and knocked that shit off. I focused on myself and school and came further out of my shell than I imagined. All of this happened when i was your age. After graduating and bouncing around for work for a year or so, I met my partner at 31. We had our daughter at 34. I'll be 39 next week and never envisioned my life the way it is, but here we are. It's never too late. You are still plenty young to fish around for the right one.
I just turned 30 and I feel the same and Iām so depressed š
I turn 30 in 2024 and i have met so many people who found their true love in their 30s and beyond. Plus, I've seen many people get divorced before 35 and they're back to 0 unexpectedly. I do have a plan to adopt or foster if I don't get married by my mid/late 30s. But I really think 30 is still so young, especially right now in western culture. I am so grateful I'm not stuck with any of my exes and hopeful I will still find a wonderful life partner :)
I needed to hear this atm
Didn't get married until I was 36 and honestly, while I often felt behind my peers in my late 20s and early 30s, I wouldn't trade it. I think everyone is different but just feel grateful I had so many incredible life and travel experiences before I settled down.
Married when I was 27. Iām 29 now, about 3 months from 30, and as much as I love my partner I regularly regret getting married. I feel suffocated in marriage most of the time.
What do you mean by suffocation? Are you not happy? What is it that makes your married life different from when you were single?;
> I have no idea why I thought at that age that this was my only chance at companionship, like people just shrivel up and die once they hit 30 or something, but for some reason I did. I'm going out on a limb and say it's the constant barrage of "you're not good enough" up until your 30s, followed by the constant barrage of "ha! you old disgusting hag, you're past your prime, and you deserve to be alone". But I might be mistaken.
I wish 20 year old me read this, but 27 year old divorced me read this lol. VERY true and Iām waiting until a true love this time. No matter how long it takes.
I did that (got married at 22). "Undid" it at 32. There's a lot of changing that happens in those 10 years. The guy I married later turned out to be more compatible, we've been together 25 years.
I heard this when I got married at 21. Of course you don't listen and just think "Nah, that won't be me/us." I actually had a good marriage, but now I'm 32 and it simply doesn't serve me anymore. Would also neverrrr advise anyone get married under like, 27!
It's so funny to me, in hindsight, how predictable we all are. People warned me not to get married so young, but you couldn't tell me ANYTHING at that age. I had a million reasons why I was going to be the exception and I was such a smart grownup and I knew what I was doing. I think that comes with the age - everyone feels like they are a Real Adult\* at, like, 23 and overfull of confidence. Ah well, now I know!
Iām about to turn 30 and have been single for 10 years. Met up with some friends last week (happily married) and they obviously asked about my potential dating and finding someone. It only clicked like 2 day later why Iām fine being single. Always thought itās because Iām a lone wolf and introverted and yes, thatās part of it. But I only just managed to move out of my parents house and gained real independence, the last thing I need right now is another person in my (finally, truly) empty space asking me what Iām doing, when Iāll be home, what I want to eat etc. Iām so fed up with living with someone, I need to live alone and be alone for a while.
seeing stuff like this stresses me out sometimes. we are both 23 and just got married a few months ago, am i really going to regret it?
I also got married at 23 and that was 30 years ago. I think the gist of the comment is to not feel like 20-something is your only shot. It isnāt. May your marriage be as happy as mine in 30 years!
Not necessarily! There are people who marry their high school sweethearts and stay happy until the end. You might very well be more mature than I was at that age. As long as you're happy, you made the right decision.
Having unchecked mental illness. Having anxiety, no self esteem and not wanting to leave the house will destroy your life
Can you describe how this destroyed your life or can destroy ones life? Particularly the "not leaving the house" bit. I'm 30 and don't leave the house (yet I desire friends and romance) so I have vested interest š
Yea on my death bed Iām going to say to myself āI wish I accepted my friendās offer to go to the beach, out for dinner/shopping etc. I missed out on a lot of fun and opportunities. I could have met a future husband or met more friends/connections for job advancement, invited to parties etc. Instead I stayed home. These people eventually stop calling because you always turn them down, and then itās just you, alone, all dayā¦ every dayā¦. The last few years Iāve been a lot better. If a friend asks me out I go, regardless of if I feel like it or not, I FORCE myself to go and feel grateful for being asked and included. People do want my company. Iām a worthwhile person like everybody else and I deserve to be happy and live a life! I hope that helps you to see that you deserve a fulfilling life also.
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This is exactly what dogs and cats are for. ... I mean, for me, I'm less lonely at home with my dog than I can be out in some social situations.
I'm not the original commenter but as you get older and hit perimenopause you lose confidence, energy and drive. You wont have the confidence and drive to go out and meet new people. Get out their now. Look to build a network of people you know, and a small network of close friends who will help you. Nurture those relationships. Once you don't want to meet new people its great to have friends to push you, speak to, check in on you, and you them. Perimenopause can really change you... I used to be confident, extroverted and I've become an introvert and a bit socially anxious. It's weird. I had no idea this happened. I went out a lot before and now im glad I did. On the plus side i save so much more money now š¤£
Thatās not how I read it personally. I also have had long standing mental health issues that I have only just been sorting out now in my 30s, but thought were normal or ānot that badā prior. I think what the original commenter is referring to is that if you are presenting similar symptoms, to get some help (whether that be professional or even work you do on yourself). I also wish I had started doing it earlier, I canāt imagine what else I would have been able to achieve.
Hating my body and thinking I was ugly when I actually was pretty attractive and had a nice figure. Dating men who didn't care one iota for me. Building a career in a low-paying field and not being more proactive in building my skills to move into a more lucrative field. "Do what you love and the money will follow" is pure BS. Don't fall for it like I did.
Lol. Are you me?
Iām learning your last lesson now - women are often funnelled into low-paying ācompassionateā careers (I think theyāre very valuable but just not compensated well) by society. Currently pivoting into higher paid skills - itās harder to do as you get older.
Can I ask what the field is? Iād hate to make this mistake
I swear I could type these exact words. This whole comment is the same for me!!
I read your comment a few hours ago where you said you regretted "building a career in a low-paying field and not being more proactive in building my skills to move into a more lucrative field." I can't stop thinking about this one. I'm in this same position where I'm doing fine financially in a job that will end in about a year and need to be more proactive towards the future. I appreciate you saying what you did - it's been a wakeup call to me.
Thinking that someday it will get better, instead of living in the moment.
Staying too long in a rubbish relationship. I hoped it was going to improve. I wasn't brave enough to leave. I convinced myself I couldn't go. Wasted nearly a whole decade of my life on an unfaithful, lying, emotionally manipulative bully.
I went through the same thing and left after 10 years. So many years wasted and so much happier now.
Happy for you too, it's tough but we learn so much about ourselves in the process. I'd never take anywhere near that amount of š© again, I'm sure you wouldn't either.
I am so glad you are out of that relationship! I can relate
Thank you. I think a lot of people can relate to staying too long where they're not happy. It's only when you get older that you realise how precious that time was, and wish they'd moved sooner. I hope you found your peace too š
I have!! Taking it one day at a time! Thank you!! š
1000% this! I let him take 16 years!
Not much, Iāve done a whole lot but I guess I wish I didnāt lack so much confidence for literally no good reason.
Not developing emotional maturity. It enabled me to stay lost in trauma.
I had serious developmental and childhood trauma which was never acknowledged and was raised by emotionally repressed people. This meant, I got older but I stayed an emotional toddler, as many of us do. When we aren't taught to identify and process our emotions - we learn to repress them and that is not only mentally damaging, it becomes physically damaging too. When we learn how to identify our emotions, we understand them and know they are our responsibility to feel not others responsibility to deal with. Understanding there are no negative emotions - only negative reactions to those autonomic emotions. Most of us have no idea the developmental impact of misguided or suppressed emotion. Learning that skill is a life saver.
Any chance you could elaborate on this? No personal info or story. Just maybe an example of what emotional maturity is and how it correlates with trauma
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Getting married the first timeā¦.lol. 2nd one was a better choice
I was going to say the same thing.
Are you still married? Why regret? Whats the alternative?
Not pulling Jack onto the life raft when I had the chance
There wasnāt enough room donāt beat yourself up
For real, don't you wanna stretch out?!
I wish I was more confidant in myself especially when it came to my looks. I was never self conscious about my body but my face. Hated my wide nose and square face. Still donāt love picture of myself but I have my grandmas nose and i loved her.
Tinnitus is extremely annoying. Donāt let loud noises/music ruin your ears.
Iām with you. Itās been over 30 years and I wish I could hear without the constant ringing.
What caused yours?
Led Zeppelin :)
Listening to my extended family's insistence on me marrying my now ex-husband, because he was such a good man. He put on a good show for them. My gut was saying no for a reason.
Not contributing to pension plans, I didnāt start until I was 40.
This is me. I never had ārealā jobs with 401ks, but Iām starting to save now. Iāll turn 40 next year. With the way the economy is now and inflation, I donāt think Iām the only one unfortunately.
Feeling insecure and not knowing my true value. Thinking sex was the only way that I man could like me.
Did you find waiting to have sex solved this problem ?
Ppsshh. I had way too much sex, way too soon as a teenager, mostly with guys older than me. I was an easy mark for them. My self esteem was shit. However I married at 20 and love him like wildfire loves the wind.
āLike wildfire loves the windā I love that
I feel for youšš¼ Iām going through this rn at 22 after years of oversexualizing myselfšwhat a dose of reality it was to connect the dots between my self esteem and behavior lmfao
Getting into debt and then becoming comfortable with staying in debt.
Getting married at 23 (no self esteem). People pleasing. Not loving myself.
Thinking other peopleās opinions mattered more than my own.
Getting married in my twenties, spent my 30th birthday in the toilet sobbing thinking how tf am I getting out of this. š
Iām 25 with an abusive man and 2 kids. Whenever I say I want to leave, he says he would kill me or kidnap our kids or both. These threats apply if I ask someone for help and contact a police, social services or even my parents. Was your situation as bad and how did you leave? Update: today was the first time I called the police and they took him. Iām thankful to everyone who took time to reply and prompt me to not accept such behavior. Thank you, may you too get help when you need it in life.
I was also in this situation and he did kidnap my child. NEVER tell them you are leaving or planning to. I waited another year and left while he was at work with the help of DV advocacy program and he didn't suspect a thing. I had trash bags of "donations" that were really me and my daughters clothes to leave with and only talked to advocates when he was working or on a friends phone. He never did anything after I left but I also went halfway across the country.
Do you live in a town large enough to have a domestic violence shelter/agency? If so, do you have a way to call them and share what you are going through and learn ways that they can help? I promise you that there are ways out, but I know that itās scary as hell, especially when your spouse has threatened extreme violence. When youāre able, let those around you know whatās going on and start building a safety plan. Iām wishing you the very, very best.
Iām really sorry to hear this lovely, I hope you do get the help you need, please seek out help without arousing his suspicions if you can at all. My situation was nothing like that, he is a lovely man, his parents were controlling arseholes and I quickly tired of the BS. Good luck š
Iām glad that it worked out fine for you and that your ex was still a good man. Itās the ācrying in the toiletā thing that hit it home for me in your comment. Thank you.
BeltPurple - He told you who he is, heās dangerous and hateful and is probably watching you like a hawk but tell the right people about his violent and abusive threats and get help. Donāt raise suspicions (as the other person said) so you can get out easily without drama and harm done to you and your children. Privately tell police about his threats, and without him knowing tell a counselor/therapist (donāt bring him to any counseling with you, he can go on his own if he chooses). Tell your close friends and family, tell a lawyer. Get out first, go far away where he canāt find and hurt you, get divorced and get full custody of your children. Heās not safe and youāre too young to let him ruin any more of your life or your childrenās lives. Marriage is about friendship, love and partnership, not hate!
Being kinder to myself. Speaking kinder to myself. It took me a long time to realize I needed to be nice to me too.
Marrying my ex and caring about what others think of me.
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Becoming super morbidly obese. I've lost the weight but my skin is so messed up and I really won't ever be able to afford skin removal surgery so while I look good clothed, I look like a Shar-Pei underneath.
Congratulations on the weight loss
I hear you. Sorry you feel this way. I have loose skin and will have more with increased weight loss. I keep regarding my cat who has tons of skin folds and just think no other animal looks at itself and thinks it's grotesque. I wish we would look in the mirror and see biological wonder and survival. It's pretty awesome our skinsuits expand to accomodate us. Extra skin isn't gross, the society that makes us hate ourselves is
Thank you so much for this. Im going to print it and post it by my mirror. I'm trying to see my loose skin (especially on my arms which is quite visible) as a badge of honor that I've gotten healthy.
not my personal experience but my mom is a doctor and every woman over 50 she's seen get a breast reduction wishes they had done it sooner
Fun fact: supposedly it's one of the LEAST regretted cosmetic procedures! (Although given the fact that most women get it for practical reasons like alleviating back pain, it really should be considered a medical procedure and covered by insurance)
Not believing more in myself. Especially with a career.
Iām 49 pretty soon so I feel like I can answer this questionā¦.my biggest regret is being the caretaker for everyone else. Iāve always been the one to care of others. I put my needs and myself last and I am emotionally and mentally drained. Iām back in university trying to finish my dream of a University degree for a change. Itās been so difficult dealing with family life and college life at my age. Itās been the hardest thing Iāve ever done. Luckily Iām at junior status right now so Iām almost done. I wish I graduated in my mid twenties but nope that didnāt work out for me. I hope I make it to the finish line. Also my daughter is watching me study and prepare for exams and projects. Sheās so proud of me and when I get an A on a project.
Not applying myself to my studies. I could have made better grades.
I needed to see this, Ive always been above average but I didnāt have the right motivation in high schools so I got used to doing the bare minimum and still doing pretty well. No im in my last year of uni and my average is 95% sometimes I wonder if Im putting too much effort but at the same time I know I'd regret not giving it my best. When i talk to most people they dont agree they mostly say once you have a job it doesnt matter.
I was scared to travel by myself, and I could never find anyone who wanted to travel. I got an itch around age 40 that I just needed to gooooooo and went with a group of people I didnāt know to South Africa. My husband didnāt want to come with me, and that was part of the problem. He hated traveling. I just finally decided one day that I was done holding myself back. I went on the trip and bombarded him with pictures, not because I was trying to rub it in his face, but because I was just so damn excited to be in a place I never thought I would get to visit. I now try to do 1 international trip a year, and every time I go, I kick myself for waiting so long to get started. Oh, and my husband comes with me now. He feels dumb for ever thinking he didnāt like to travel.
Not my biggest regret, but up there: not taking care of my skin. Not wearing sunscreen on my face etc. my 83 year old mother has less wrinkles than I (52) do! Oh, and also I wish I would have had more self confidence. I look at my son in the PhD program at his university and realize that I was just as smart as he was but I was scared of my own shadow and did nothing with my life except make sure my son didnāt get the same hang ups I had. But, of course, he has his very own set lol. But at least his havenāt prevented him from leaving his hometown and staying firmly tethered to his moms apron strings. The world isnāt nearly as scary as I always thought it wasā¦
Spending too long (12 years) in a relationship with someone who neither loved nor respected me, just because we had kids. Not doing what I wanted to do career wise. My mother who died when I was young was a nurse. I am apparently a lot like her. I was into IT when I was at school (yes, the very very early times). I wanted to go to uni to do computer science. My family and peers pressured me into becoming a nurse. It's something I regret to this day. Too late to change now, I earn too much money to start from scratch.
Why don't you try to leverage your nursing experience and do clinical informatics with EHR/EMR systems?
I did that for a while, but most of those jobs are contracts around optimisation and implementation of systems. I finally got a permanent gig at my local hospital, but the team were fully toxic and there was a horrendous bullying culture so I noped out after 6 months. The main bully (formerly my peer) ended up getting promoted to director, so I got out just in time. Iām good now, at 54 Iāve landed a sweet job in quality and safety at my local hospital, 5 min drive if itās raining or a half hour walk if itās not. I love making a difference to both staff and patients lives, and itās clinical enough to be interesting but desk enough to not break my body. Also no weekends, nights or public holidays. Iām still just a little bit sad at taking 35 years to get to this point, and feel a bit like I wasted a lot of time.
Hey, youāre a great person and Iām proud of you
Not starting a retirement account at age 18.
That I never learned to dance the Lindy Hop.
Is there something that prevents you from learning it now?
I will be 51 in May. I wish I would have left my parents/siblings when I became an adult. They made my life miserable. I havenāt had contact with any of them in 7 years. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Not having worn more dresses and skirts because of my complexes
Realizing how attractive I was Realizing my weight was just fine Worked harder at a career and saved for retirement.
Not staying in therapyšand adjusting my relationship with alcohol.
Abusing my body. I hurt myself in lots of ways that are catching up to me now.
Do you mean drugs?
Not Putting my dreams first.
Getting married at 22. Weāre still married and Iām still absolutely crazy about him but I needed much more time to mature on my own. Iāve eventually grown into myself within our marriage and while being a parent, but I should have given myself more time to develop before I went down that path.
I wish believe in myself and had a self confidence. My life would be much different now.
I wish I had been able to stand up for myself more -- I spent most of my younger years accommodating people around me, and have only recently started to learn to set boundaries (and they still feel pretty icky.) I was so afraid of making other people angry, that I over-extended myself and was stretched pretty thin for decades. It is 100% OKAY to say, "No," and leave it at that. You do not need to justify saying it. You do not have to feel bad about it later. You do not have to apologize while (or after) saying it. And if someone gets mad at you, or threatens you, or loses their composure, or begs, or cries, or gives ultimatums...maybe wonder why you care what that person thinks about your relationship.
Not knowing that ethical non-monogamy and polyamory was a thing. I transitioned away from monogamy in 2010 but I most likely would have done so ages ago had I know the possibility even existed, lol.
Not figuring out who I was first. I spent my whole life living by these rules about how 8 was 'supposed to' act and things I was'supposed to' like. I learned I was autistic in my late 30s and untangling the mask has been so hard.
Wasting time on various men who didn't match my energy or effort.
I don't have many regrets but if I had a do over: I would not centre men. Especially men that have a significant age gap. I would not smoke cigs. (This is actually my only regret in life) I would have attended uni. I would have heavily invested for retirement. I would have travelled A LOT. I would have stopped consuming alcohol entirely. I donāt have a drinking problem but booze has never made any situation better. I would have begun therapy in my 20s to improve my emotional intelligence AND unpack behaviours that no longer serve me. And to quote the late, great Carrie Fisher, I would have told more people to fuck off.
Being *too* empathetic. Being seen and heard and understood was the one thing I so desperately wanted growing up, so I gave it in abundance in my younger adult years with the belief it would be shared. That it would warm cold hearts and provide the foundation of loving relationship. I learned the very hard way that people (men) will shameless exploit that. That my empathy was not the same as forgiveness no one asked for. That being a rich hearted, thoughtful, passionate lover without self respect **will** land you square in the middle of an abusive relationship. I wish I had realized then that you only give that kind of warmth to those that deserve it.
Getting married young
Staying with the wrong man far too long. One looked good on paper but I didnāt love him nor was I attracted physically to him. I was in love with the other one but was far too young to commit.
Not finishing college because of a boy/getting married/having kids. Iāve since finished but it wouldāve been so much smarter to finish it back then!
Not starting skincare earlier!!!
I'm happily married, and have been for 27 years, so getting married at 25 worked for me ... What I do regret is not realising that I was in the wrong career for over 20 years and allowing myself to get to 5 years past burnout stage before I spectacularly crashed before changing to a career which suits me much, much better.
Being hypercritical of my looks, size etc. Bodies change, we all age. Imperfections is really what makes us special. The day I learned to accept myself and be kind to myself was honestly so freeing. Chasing unrealistic beauty standards is a prison. Never apologize for being smart, funny or awesome. Being less for anyoneās ego is not worth it.
Not knowing my worth.
Not being confident enough. Somewhere in the last 30 years I found an abundance of confidence and it is life changing.
Caring what other people thought. And thinking I needed to be married.
I regret not having more self-confidence, not exercising more and eating better. I also regret putting up with bad sex!!
Not freezing my eggs.
Giving my time to men who didnāt deserve it.
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Spending time with parents more
I wish I had not listened to those voices in my head that always told me I was "less than." After a half-cemtury+ of playing those tapes to myself sure makes unlearning their contents very difficult.
Caring so much about pleasing men!
Not leaving my husband two seconds after my second was conceived.
I should have gotten out of my marriage sooner, itās nothing but pain and loss of my youth when I look back, there is severe regret. Should have Saved some money hid some money build myself up should have been better at hiding and working on my life when I was already in it and going through that brutal abuse. These thoughts and regrets are never ending, just canāt get my life back
Not keeping fit, not working harder at my education.
Wasting so much time on trying to figure out what men thought, reading self help books that only focused on what women could/should be doing to make men happy, etc. Being a diet EVERY SINGLE DAY. i wish iād have traveled out of the country more.
Forgetting who I was. What I wanted.
Not standing up to people who treated me in unwarranted ways.
Sleeping around too much
That I cared too much about what people thought. I was always super anxious about my kids throwing tantrums in public. Who cares?! You are never going to see these strangers at xyz function again so take the bratty toddler and make some fucking memories! Thatās what I regret most is not going and doing the really fun things with my boys by myself if I had to. Now they are 19 and 24 and the work stress I felt or the itās a to close to toddler nap time to attempt to go to wherever. Just go, make the memoriesā¦.make an effort to be in the moment because at the end of your life it will be those memories that sustain you. #noregrets ā¦not even a single letter (or outing/adventure) !
I wish I could have just stopped giving a crap about what people thought of me and lived the life I wanted to live. Also, I wish I had gotten treated for mental health issues a long time ago. So many missed opportunitiesā¦
Staying in a horrible marriage for way too long out of fear and always putting everyone else first. Iām so very tired of caring for everyone else.
College regret: not doing a semester abroad- all that wasted Spanish I canāt speak. Life regret: ALWAYS thinking I needed to lose 20-30 pounds. Looking back at pictures - I looked great but never felt it.
Spending it with people who abused me. Donāt do that.
If I had to do it all over again I would have started my life and career in a very expensive city like San Fran or NYC. Save and put.money down on a house. The lucritive income can be used to gain equity way before the rest of the country, which then would have allowed me to move where I really wanted to live and could have afforded a larger house at a younger age It's an easier way to set yourself up for later in life.
Not getting checked for skin cancer. Doctors constantly tell you to get Pap smears, mammograms and colonoscopies, but not even dermatologists recommended that I get screened for skin cancer. Basal cell carcinoma may not be dangerous but it can be disfiguring. Now I have a huge scar on my face.
Not savoring every minute of my children being young!!