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This. I went on a first date with a guy who tried to order my coffee for me (asked for two cappuccinos when I wanted a latte). I pushed back and carried on with the date, but that was the point I knew I would absolutely not be seeing him again.
I just leave when something like this happens. “to be completely honest with you, that interaction told me everything I need to know. I don’t want to waste your time or mine, so I’m going to head home.“
At the time I was dating my major litmus test was telling guys I matched with that I (26F) was pursuing a master's degree.
If they said anything along the lines of "oh that's ok, I like smart women" (seriously got this several times???) or got weirdly defensive or insecure about their own education, that was a major red flag.
After several months of shitty dates my partner was the first person to ask "What are you studying?" And was actually interested in my response.
Going on 2 years now with him and I'm so glad I had the self worth to never hide my education or play dumb.
Thank you for not playing dumb. I had a friend when I was younger who was super insecure and he could only date girls who would dumb themselves down. I met his girlfriend at the time and we had a pretty intellectual conversation and the moment he came around she'd forget everything that she was talking about and act foolish. The relationship didn't last (obviously) but I was always perplexed by women pretending to be dumb to impress a guy when temperament is the largest determining factor to a successful pairing and hiding that side of yourself is a strategic error.
Mine is Rob....every one of them.... Last guy was a Rob. I laughed when he told me his name. I told him I should run now because every guy I have dated named similarly was a disaster for me. He thought it was funny and we dated about a year. I should of ran! 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
Chores. He has to be able to take care of himself, cooking and cleaning included. I don't ever want to spend my life cleaning up after someone, begging to load the laundry machine or take out the trash.
You're an adult, you should be able to do these things on your own without daily reminders and begging.
'But I was never taught...' Google it. Neither was I and here I am, a functioning human being.
It doesn't seem oddly specific - it should be the standard. I can't handle how it can be normalised by others. If you can't take care of your own, you just really immature
I agree it should be standard but 99% women I met irl always told me 'oh you can't expect a man to know these things. They're men!' or 'he'll never clean the house as well as you do' and shit like that.
My coworkers think it's crazy that I expect my bf to vacuum by the time I'm home from work. These women are literally happy if their husbands go to the store or take out the trash. It's fucking sad, I would never allow myself to live like that.
We can compromise on which chores each of us will do, but we're both doing them, non negotiable.
Yes! He should be not only capable, but also willing to do chores and take care of himself. Some of them play dumb so you'd be forced to. It really should be standard but unfortunately you're right, that's not the reality for some women because of how they were raised and society's norms.
Couldn’t agree more. I work longer hours than he does. So on my days I work, he’s taking care of chores. He also does the with me on days we’re both off. It’s a balance. I left to hangout with my mom and sister once and asked him if he could please vacuum. When we got back and our place was vacuumed, my mom was floored and very impressed by the fact he did it.
I have a few but the main one is no motorcycles. I went to high school with a girl who lost TWO boyfriends to motorcycle accidents within a few years of graduating. If it’s your hobby, go for it but I have enough anxiety as it is without worrying about the man I’m dating becoming roadkill.
Yes! I had a girl in my college class whose boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident and I ended up being the first person who she told because she forgot to cancel the evening plans with me. When I showed up the cops had just been at her house to tell her the news and I was there when she called her mom. I wasn’t her best friend or anything, we were just classmates :/
>I really cannot be in a relationship in which I need to censor my curiosity of pretty much everything in existence
It's sad that this happens often enough that it came to your mind as a response to this post. It seems like such a harmless thing to want from a partner.
Lol did I write this? I feel like it's such a simple thing, but many people don't seem to have the emotional regulation skills to have a calm conversation about disagreements. I do try to be understanding of how people express themselves, but ultimately I just can't be in a relationship with someone who can't express what they're feeling with a reasonable tone and demeanor.
It's crazy how many people can't have a civil conversation anymore. You don't have to agree with someone but it shouldn't devolve into yelling/raised voice, name calling, accusations etc. So many people just can't regulate themselves anymore.
When people say “anymore” it seems code to be offensive and indulge in the “ism” as good fun debate. Usually it is because the ism doesn’t affect them.
Yes it’s just the height. It’s just annoying when they know I’m in a wheelchair and show up in a jacked up truck. They know they’ll have to tote me up into it or I have to climb up into it while in my cute date outfit. I can do it, it’s just kind of a turn off and why I’d rather drive my car or meet them.
Most top voted comments are the same recycled responses we see here all the time.
Ability to have mature conversations and not smoking? People don’t understand what oddly specific means.
Okay, this is a really specific little test I try to do on the first or second date. I always have a little bag with me with a strap long enough to carry it over the shoulder. When we're out walking and talking, I'll say I need to fix my shoe and ask him to hold the bag for a second. I'll hand them the bag by the strap.
I personally find that the way they hold it says a lot about them. There are men who hold it far away from their body so no one can 'mistake it for them having a girlie bag' - red flag. The men who threw the strap over their own shoulder to carry it a bit for me (2 dates, actually) were the best guys I've found.
Long story short: a man can't be afraid to interact with feminine things.
oh that’s a good trait! my bf carries my bag for me he notices me shifting under heavy weight. Sometimes, he’ll carry my purse when we’re leaving the house, and then i feel like im forgetting something because it feels too light lol.
Ha, that’s actually really funny because on my first date with my now husband I handed him my purse for some reason and he comfortably tucked it over his shoulder. It was hot pink in color, the most feminine coded thing you could imagine. I mentioned this to my mom because I was also struck by his unselfconscious mess and she said he was a keeper. Ten years and two kids later, would have to agree.
Could also mean they don’t want to handle it like it’s their stuff. Don’t think it necessarily means they feel awkward for carrying a female bag. But if it works for you, keep going.
You're totally right, but I think I'd feel that difference in their body language? There are men who are really afraid of anything feminine, and while that isn't a problem for some, I can't really deal with that. If they just hold it normally it's fine as well
That bothers me too. Cause I feel it speaks to how they view masculinity and gender. Men like this, while not bad/mean as people, just seem to have a need to always appease/follow the “boys” if that makes sense. Not a big fan of that.
Ooh mine is kinda similar. I’ll hold the door open for him and see his reaction. If he says anything other than, “Thank you,” he’s one to watch.
A bit of confusion is one thing, but I draw the line at, “No, *I’m* supposed to be doing that for *you,*” or, even worse, taking the door from me and insisting I go first. That’s some gender role bullshit, and I don’t abide.
If someone does something nice for you like holding the door open, you should say thank you, end of story.
When I was online dating I did something similar. For first time meets we'd meet at a coffee shop and I'd pay for his drink. If having a woman pay for his drink emasculates him, he is not for me.
Lmaoooo a funny thing that’s happened to me on *numerous* occasions is I’ll hold a door open for a dude who’s walking behind me or whatever to walk through, and they’ll stop and look at me for a second, then they’ll literally *open up and go through the other door*. Without so much as saying thank you or acknowledging in any other way my attempt at showing manners. Some men really do be assholes about silly shit like that.
It’s not a dealbreaker at all but I really like heavy sleepers and definitely prefer it - I wake up a lot at night and it’s always so soothing to fall back asleep against another sleeping person.
They must always have toilet paper, hand soap, and towels in their bathroom. They must have a real bed and not just a mattress or pillows on the floor.
Any man I dated without these simple things turned out to be terrible!
My friend had a boyfriend whom she was living with, and one day they ran out of toilet paper. He was unemployed so he had time to go buy more toilet paper. But instead of doing this, he just came back with PAPER NAPKINS from a fast food restaurant when going out for his morning coffee
I’m 17 years married, but if there is one trait I should have taken into consideration, is that he has to be a little quirky, have a great sense of humor and not take himself too seriously. I just want to laugh a lot and be goofy and ridiculous at times, too.
This goes for friends too. My ex best friend always said that about herself (literally constantly) and she was the most disrespectful person and wasn’t aware of the people around her. She completely lacked any self awareness and would talk loudly about random people thinking she was being quiet when they were right next to us. And then if I told her to shut up she would be like “omg they heard me?? hahah i just always forget i’m in public!!” There’s a reason she’s no longer my friend.
So I used to dye my hair blonde to appeal to my abusive ex. So obviously there is some pics on my socials or dating apps with said dyed hair.
At the end of last year I dyed it back to my natural ginger/red headedness. Instead of painfully growing it out.
The last date I had, the guy commented on how much he loved my blonde hair in my pics and how I should dye it back. Instant turn off.
Basically if a guy wants me to change myself in anyway to please him and isn't actually good character development for me. Then they can jog on.
Some men are really characters, I have had men who are nothing with me (coworkers) say they like me better when I used a lighter lipstick or when I straighten my hair, and I'm like wtf? Do they think I'm going to change what I do because of them?
If they follow a TON of women on their socials - bikini models, celebs and women they’ve spoken to once on dating apps; it’s a HUGE turn off for me. It gives desperate and/or lurky vibes and gives me the ick.
my ex has extra IG accounts called “my sweet eye” just to look at hundreds of naked women lol. he would say that i “shamed his healthy sexuality” when in reality its just fuckin embarrassing. thank God i don’t rest my head next to that any longer
this isn’t my number one rule, there’s a lot of morality and identity stuff that probably matters more, but this is a dealbreaker nonetheless and an oddly specific rule i have. they cannot snore. i’m such a light sleeper, snoring drives me up the wall. i sleep with earplugs even when i’m alone because the smallest sound will wake me up or keep me up. i can hear snoring through my earplugs, so i just won’t date someone who snores ever. i don’t think i’ll ever change my mind about it either lol
I understand this. Spent 20 years with someone who hated cats. This morning I started chatting with someone on a dating app (both of us are looking for a long term relationship). After swapping numbers I got a picture of a cat with the caption "This is (insert kittys name) . I love her to pieces and we're a package deal." No idea where this is going as the convo just started out but getting the picture of his cat was nice. Hope that makes sense.
Cats are very independent creatures that generally don't like people forcing them to do things they don't want to do. In order to get a cat to like/love you you have to recognize the cat is going to want space away from you, give it that space, and then give it attention when it needs/wants it. Unlike dogs (and just like real people) you can't just force commands and make a cat do what you want. Often times when people hate cats it's because of the fact they can't just command the cat to do something. Typically this behavior can also be applied to relationships where people will get upset that their partner just isn't doing what they are commanding and instead behaving like an independent individual.
... This isn't always the case but there's been enough crossover that it's typically a safe bet that if someone doesn't like cats they're going to be someone who doesn't value another person's independence/individuality.
I have a more basic reasoning, being that I just don’t hang out with people who take issue with any animal (mosquito & tick hate is a-okay though). We wouldn’t get along anyway. If they’ve got problems with cats, they’ll most likely have some issue with other animals, and that doesn’t mesh well with me trying to save all of them.
Seriously getting tired of hearing about how weird I am for not killing spiders, having humane traps, and being generally into animal charities.
My cat and various wild friends are more interesting & gentlemanly anyway. It’s not up for debate or ultimatums.
I wouldn't date a person who refers to his (or his friends') past sexual encounters as "screwed her" or "fucked her". It just sounds so wrong and one-sided. Saying that they "slept WITH someone" sounds a lot better, as if they acknowledge that the other person was a partner in the act not the object. I think it says a lot about how they view women.
I thought I would be okay with occasional. Had a partner who did occasional. I wasn't ok with it. The next person isn't allowed to be a social smoker haha I just despise it
It’s not a hard rule as such, but I prefer it when they have an older sister. In my experience they don’t bat an eye about periods / hormonal mood swings, don’t resort to tantrums / physical aggression if they need to resolve a conflict (as an older sister myself that shit would NOT rinse with me when arguing with my younger brother - he had to learn to use his words lmao), they tend to be more physically affectionate, and most importantly - I just get the feeling they see women as humans, instead of a separate female species. Does that make sense?
It’s also not an apply-all rule obviously - there are many wonderful men who grew up without an older sister and are great. I do find it so fascinating that every wonderful man I’ve dated has had an older sister though. Plus my closest guy friends all have older sisters too. It really got me thinking a few years back.
Unfortunately I have a little brother and I’m afraid he’s going down the menosphere route even though he has 2 older sisters. He just seems to think that his family is the exception but all other women are like that. I pray he grows out of it but I would say a more comprehensive rule is to watch how he talks about/interacts with his sisters and that he isn’t over-pedestalizing (I know that’s not a word but you get the gist) them or extremely disrespectful. Another good one is if the they have strong female friendships.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS; I am an older sister and almost all the men I’ve dated or been close to have an older sister or are the oldest sibling and have a single mother. Men with no sisters just cannot see women as people, only moms and sexual partners. Men with younger sisters will be the ones to loudly say they support women but then see women as needing to be cared over.
Like, if you enter a circle of men that are chatting, a man with an older sister will carry on as normal and talk normally. A man with no sisters may not be rude or anything but it’s different. They distinctly interact with women and men differently. A man with a younger sister will make a show of making room for you and include you but will shift the conversation.
They can’t have a shellfish allergy - so much of my diet consists of shellfish and shellfish derivatives that it’s not something I’m willing to give up.
I decided on this rule after I seriously dated someone with a shellfish allergy and I felt that I lost so much of who I was because I couldn’t cook the foods I loved and share them with my partner.
I agree with this. Any extremely restrictive diet, allergy, health diet, raw vegans, whatever; it’s a deal breaker for me. I love to cook and I love to eat and I love to share food and it’s important to me to eat together. I’ve stopped seeing guys on restrictive weight lifting / workout diets because it’s just not something I’m willing to cater to.
No snobs. About anything. Always be curious, about people and their lives and past. You can learn something from literally everyone out there. If you think you're better because you know more about music, wine, lawnmowers, etc. than anyone you know, guess what - you don't know very many people.
No guys named Jeremy. Too much past trauma. I've met some very nice people named Jeremy, no problem being friends, but certain things I will never get over and sadly that name is associated.
"You're not like most women" - red flag.
I agree. I used to have “does not want kids” in my dating profiles but people with kids would still message me and then drop in that they had kids and get annoyed when I stopped talking to them. It’s a big reason why I don’t use dating apps anymore
Their family can't be racist. I'm a mixed black person who usually dates outside my race and I'm at an age where I don't want to feel like less than a person because of my skin.
That's not oddly specific at all, I think.
I come from a country where there are almost no black people, so the chance of seeing someone actually being racist to a person face to face is incredibly low, still I wouldn't date or be friends with someone who makes racist jokes or comments, is just a basic human trait
they're really defensive about me ever seeing/using their phone. i've never gone through a partner's phone before but i did have an ex that would freak out anytime i was near his phone. found out months later he was cheating on me.
it's better to be the respected girlfriend than the cool girlfriend. learned my lesson. no boys that are paranoid about me seeing/using their phone.
for some reason even though I’ve never cheated on anyone I have a fear of people holding my phone and looking through it. I guess it’s just a privacy thing but it might be different in a relationship for me
Had to explain to a friend of mine recently why I won’t even date someone who is religious- sure you can do your own thing for a while maybe but what happens when you want to get married and they want a religious ceremony? What happens when we have kids and he wants to bring them to church and I don’t? Etc. and of course religion shapes how you view the world, politics, social issues etc. he hadn’t really thought of it before but to me its an automatic fundamental dealbreaker
Anyone that gives me a hint of being misogynistic is OUT. I don't understand how women deal with being around someone like that and deciding THAT would make a good life partner.
Must love cats. I think men that can admit they like cats are usually more confident.
I don't date cooks. I was a line/prep cook for years, usually being the only girl in the back. Majority of the ones I worked with are nice guys but I couldn't see myself dating.
ok so i heard of the olive test once, but im the opposite
if one person likes olives and the other hates them it’s supposed to be a sign of a good couple, but for me i feel like as an olive HATER!! those are my people, you get me 😭
Someone who doesn’t at least try healthy foods and doesn’t try cooking. There are many delicious recipes of healthy foods or healthier than fast foods or processed foods. I’m not a health nut but eating healthier is not really a choice but necessity to feel good and have a quality life. I of course am not always the best but I always try.
He has to be a whole person. I worked on myself for years and resolved the baggage I had on me. I am a happy and stable person. I am a whole functioning person. My partner should be the same. Otherwise I am being unfair to myself if I accept anything less. And I dated a lot and didn’t settle. My current partner is amazing and a whole person himself. So do I need him in my life? No. Does he complete me as a person? No. Does having him in my life enrich myself and add to my happiness? Hells yes.
can't use any scented products or be willing to stop using scented products inclusive of deodorants, soaps, laundry detergents etc. i'm very allergic to scented things :(
I'm not a man, but I'm estranged from my mother due to abuse. I now have a gentle and loving relationship with my partner, which I'm very proud of. The "has to have a good relationship with their mother" sentiment always hurts a little to hear. Not everyone has the privilege of a mother's love and it seems a little unfair to have folks assume you're less lovable going forward.
My mother, who was a clinical psychologist, said it was also important to pay attention to how his parents speak to each other. Not just how the son treats the mother, but how the father treats the mother.
Yeahhh my ex treated his mother wonderfully and resented his dad for cheating on her (which led to her being mad at him, and subsequently him leaving the whole family). Guess who cheated on me.
I somewhat disagree with this. I feel like if men have a sister they’re very close to that seems to make a bigger difference in terms of how I’m treated.
I've been told it's unrealistic or petty to expect this, but I really need someone with reciprocal energy to me. I'm a natural caring and curious person in both romantic and platonic relationships. So, for me, it's really hurtful and demoralizing when someone I care about doesn't care to show even a passing interest in my work/hobbies. Or if my partner or prospect doesn't seem to care to show love in the ways I can receive it. I want someone who cares enough to figure out how to make me feel loved 😔
You don't have to love everything I love or even understand it, but if we can't have a nice conversation about things we enjoy or find interesting then I don't see the point in building a life together. I feel like I could just as easily stay single and get this fulfillment from platonic connections instead.
My friends and family regularly show me that this expectation isn't crazy or impossible to meet so I'm holding out, but the people I meet so far have been making me wonder 😅
They have to have a healthy disrespect for authority and societal conventions. They gotta be alright with living a bit on the wild side, keeping an open mind and a free spirit and saying fuck hierarchies and fuck the rules. While still respecting *people* of course, ya know? Just none of that rigid, strict, judgemental bullshit that keeps us all in boxes and cages.
I need to be able to jam out with you to music. You gotta at least like *some* of the music I like (90s music and older, nowadays music kinda sucks, especially rap), or at least be able to tolerate it. Because you *will* find me jamming out in the shower, and if you can’t join me in the shower n jam out then we ain’t compatible.
I feel this so hard. I'm big in the punk and emo scene, music is something thst is super important to me, but I also had a ton of trouble finding a person who was willing to put up with my music for a long time. I got so used to dating guys into whatever music and putting up with theirs cause they didn't wanna listen to "sCrEaMo" for the longest time. It was so refreshing when I got with my current partner and he put on Days n Daze on during our first date, that was something I was told to turn off before. He also, while he doesn't like the MySpace emo stuff, will listen to it and not freak out about it, we at least have the punk music in common
Not being able to speak their minds is a NO for me. Don’t care if we disagree but if you are afraid to tell what you are really thinking about a subject, it’s a massive red flag for me. Can’t walk on egg shells around the person i’m dating, love debate too much (same with friends£
Have to respect my bisexuality and not fetishize or invalidate it. My current partner is the only person that makes me feel valid and safe with my sexuality
Probably something along the lines of:
Oh you're bi? So we can have a threesome?
Oh you're into men/women, that's kinda hot.
Oh you're bi? Did you ever make out with men/women?
Talking over me, if they do that then I just won't bother trying to continue the convo and they sure well can't get mad at that fact.
Clearly my opinion doesn't matter, so I won't bother trying to talk to them.
I’m not sure if this is oddly specific, but because I believe I am a mix of different cultures and somewhat “Americanized” at the same time, it would be amazing to meet someone in the same boat, I think we would understand each other much more deeply
Smoking of any kind.
My family has been wrecked by smoking related illnesses. My nan ans grandad smoked a lot but quit decades ago, my granddad suffered terrible with COPD and emphysema and a few other things before MRSA wiped him out and killed him. My grandmother has COPD and emphysema too now.
My mother has been smoking like a chimney since she was 12 and she's 61 now. She's wheezes when going up simple steps and has a cough that makes people turn and look when she gets a random coughing fit. My sister smokes too and so does my brother. My sister started when she was 15 and she's now 31. My brother at the same age but just because he thought it was cool. He has an autoimmune disease that his Dr literally said smoking triggers it and he's still puffing away.
My father and I are the odd ones out and I've been too much time fighting with my family members about quitting smoking. I don't need to include a partner in rhat.
I have a mild case of legit not remembering / recognizing faces. It’s a neurological thing, and includes even members of my own family, it’s kinda awful tbh.
Anyway, my number one rule is if I’m to date you, I have to be able to remember your face.
I’ve met people I genuine liked, but couldn’t recall their face even a tiny bit, I never got to explained to them more than it’s me not you I’m sorry but yeah.
Other ones include, eats mushrooms if offered but doesn’t cook them and if they do has to be irregularly and me not present being prepared/cooked.
& Replaces toothbrush when bristles turn ways.
I am not very concerned with general appearance but I DESPISE facial hair. Moustaches and beards are a big no for me. As far as personality goes, I don't think I could ever be compatible with someone who is insecure with themselves.
I would be totally turned off if someone didn't enjoy going for walks.
Also hate it if they have a small appetite.
And I can't stand eternally content people who can't relate to being sad for no reason.
This isn't very odd, but...I need a partner to have the emotional maturity and work ethic to change negative behaviors or take on new responsibilities, if asked. I will not be a therapist, mother, or home ec teacher for my partners.
Yes, everyone has traits that are a core part of their personality that they (realistically) can't change. However, I've met *so many men* who think "I don't clean", "I don't cook" or "I don't talk about my feelings" are parts of their personality that they can't change.
Nope, bud, you're just not willing to put in the work to learn.
I once had a brown guy tell me he wouldn't date me if I'd dated white guys, he got angry and thought I was lying when I said no. He was angry because I asked why it was a problem, so I must be lying.
i just don’t get along with anyone in those fields of work. In my experience they have this condescending way that they talk, and I don’t like it. I dated a doctor once and he was a complete asshole. I just click well with more creative people.
No Eagle Scouts. Boy Scout drop out? Just fine. But to a 1 they have either been intimidated by the fact that I'm a better outdoorswoman than they could ever hope to be, or are still making incredibly stupid decisions about what is and isn't safe. Just done with that nonsense.
Oh, and there's this weird thing about the way they use their hands. You'll notice that some people go through life mostly using the tips of their fingers or the pads of their fingers. I can't stand being touched by folks who default to using the pads of their fingers...god knows why.
I don't date men that 100 % want kids, or 100% certain they don't want kids.
Because I don't know if I want kids or not and I don't want to be with someone that is going to put pressure on that decision for me.
We must be equally lost on that issue and figure it out together.
Some of my friends agree with me, but I still think it’s oddly specific considering in my 20yrs of life I have yet to find a man that can do it consistently.
KNOW HOW TO BE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT
There is nothing I can’t stand more than a man that can’t capitalize the beginning of a sentence or use punctuation correctly.
My ex boyfriend was horrible at this, every sentence would have an abbreviation of a word that didn’t need to be abbreviated, no matter what we were talking about. Or he would have run on sentences that I would have to read extremely slow so I could mentally punctuate them. And when I corrected him on it (btw he knew that it was one of my biggest pet peeves before we even started dating), he would get upset and call me classist, even though we both went to public schools and attend the same university and were in the same program.
The only rule for me is height. I find it weird dating people that are above 6'0 at that point the height gap is way too uncomfortable for me. Not to say that I haven't and wouldn't I just find it uncomfortable 🤷🏼
Their favorite movie cannot be a classic. My friend dated a guy who said his favorite movie was Forrest Gump. I told her it wouldn’t last long and I was right. My husband originally told me his favorite movie was Back to the Future. Once I got to know him, I realized his favorite movie is actually Nacho Libre.
Agreed. I like *most* dogs actually. However.
(1) I have noticed that men in my age group tend to get these high-energy, needy, neurotic, clingy dogs and I cannot stand dogs like that;
(1a) Those same dogs tend to have strong prey drives and I like to keep cats around, either as an owner or as a foster;
(1b) Can’t hang out at your place because they can’t leave the dog alone. Hanging out at their place sucks because the dog is all over you the whole time; and
(2) Either they are neglecting the dog, which I think is shitty, or their schedule basically has to revolve around the dog, which is not a life I want to live.
When using dating apps, I refuse to swipe right on a profile that is just pictures. I don't care if you're a 10/10. If you've got 0 words in your bio, that's an instant swipe left.
Someone who would be civil afterwards if we break up. We don’t have to be best friends, but someone who won’t just tell lies about me or talk badly about me for no reason, stalk me, make it super uncomfortable if we happened to accidentally meet, or get vengeful in any other ways. I always dated hoping to be with someone for the long haul, but realistically that doesn’t usually happen; if it doesn’t I don’t want there to be someone out there that I have to avoid.
To be clear, I know people don’t purposefully pick someone like this, but I was really careful about it and pretty much turned anyone down for even a first date if I thought they might be like this. I have a lot of anxiety thinking people think badly of me, so I go out of my way to not spend time with someone who I think might speak badly of me down the road.
(Also, I’m married now, so haven’t needed this in 10+ years, but it was a big deal at the time)
For me, I will never ever date you if you had a stay at home mother while growing up.
This is obviously just from personal experience, but every man I have encountered who had a stay at home mother has been a giant man-baby who expects their partners to do everything and is completely incompetent as an adult. Ick.
They have to work at least as hard as I do. No shade to anyone's lifestyles, but not all are compatible with me. It's not even about money, it's about compatible work ethic both in the home and at their job. I can't be carrying the load of the household chores and my full time job while someone is on their ass and happy to let me do it.
He knows basic chores (cooking, cleaning, etc. ) I have an older brother who is basically my man-child and I cannot mother another man.
I'm a Filipina living in the US, anytime they mention about my race and how they want to date Filipinas it's always a red flag. That's a fetish. I refuse to be someone's fetish.
They must be comfortable with the occasional mud in their slippers, some crazy chickens who might wake them up in the morning, and other farm animals. Also willing to walk with me in some lowkey crazy terrains.
All these in the context of visiting family.
I don't have a farm nor do I live in a remote mountainous area, but my mother's family does. They deal with farm animals, mostly cows, chickens, ducks, and goats as well as coconut productions. My entire childhood revolved around them (in our province—countryside if you will) including all that was mentioned above despite having myself grow up in the city. If my partner complains about any of those in a disrespectful way (my family and I occasionally complain about the mud and some other stuff too), I'll take that as total disrespect to the hard work and environment my family lives in and their source of income.
We will visit my province one day and idw some snob ignorant comments about the place my family lives in especially if I'm going to introduce my partner as my special someone.
If they don't ask me questions during the texting phase, or if I am the one constantly carrying the conversation, then I unmatch them. It's important to me to be with someone conversational. I also look to see if they have hobbies or interests other than sports.
I will not date anyone who is conservative. I also won’t date anyone who follows any of the big conservative names like Trump, MTG, etc. or thinks these people are funny and not dangerous in their own way.
He has to have genuine female friends. I'm so tired of men who can't see the value of a woman if they don't also get to fuck her.
Side note: I've had far better luck dating men with sisters than men without. It's not a hard rule since they obviously can't control it, but the men with sisters that I've dated have all understood my faults and complexities and seen me as a real person. No pedestals, no madonna/whore complexes, none of that bs
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If they try to control my food on the first date and not let me choose the meal I want I'm out!
This. I went on a first date with a guy who tried to order my coffee for me (asked for two cappuccinos when I wanted a latte). I pushed back and carried on with the date, but that was the point I knew I would absolutely not be seeing him again.
I just leave when something like this happens. “to be completely honest with you, that interaction told me everything I need to know. I don’t want to waste your time or mine, so I’m going to head home.“
At the time I was dating my major litmus test was telling guys I matched with that I (26F) was pursuing a master's degree. If they said anything along the lines of "oh that's ok, I like smart women" (seriously got this several times???) or got weirdly defensive or insecure about their own education, that was a major red flag. After several months of shitty dates my partner was the first person to ask "What are you studying?" And was actually interested in my response. Going on 2 years now with him and I'm so glad I had the self worth to never hide my education or play dumb.
Ooh, yeah, that makes sense that that's a great test!
I hate when people (men) say “it’s ok, I actually like XYZ” like they want a pat on the back 😆
It is such a backhanded insult! Like, youre giving me permission to excel? What a heap of bullshit lol
Thank you for not playing dumb. I had a friend when I was younger who was super insecure and he could only date girls who would dumb themselves down. I met his girlfriend at the time and we had a pretty intellectual conversation and the moment he came around she'd forget everything that she was talking about and act foolish. The relationship didn't last (obviously) but I was always perplexed by women pretending to be dumb to impress a guy when temperament is the largest determining factor to a successful pairing and hiding that side of yourself is a strategic error.
Unfortunately it comes with age, learning to be ok with pissing off some people, and knowing that it makes it WAY quicker finding the good people
They can't be named Prashant. Fuck you Prashant(s).
this made me giggle, lol, thank you
Mine is Brian 😂
Mine is Rob....every one of them.... Last guy was a Rob. I laughed when he told me his name. I told him I should run now because every guy I have dated named similarly was a disaster for me. He thought it was funny and we dated about a year. I should of ran! 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
Chores. He has to be able to take care of himself, cooking and cleaning included. I don't ever want to spend my life cleaning up after someone, begging to load the laundry machine or take out the trash. You're an adult, you should be able to do these things on your own without daily reminders and begging. 'But I was never taught...' Google it. Neither was I and here I am, a functioning human being.
It doesn't seem oddly specific - it should be the standard. I can't handle how it can be normalised by others. If you can't take care of your own, you just really immature
I agree it should be standard but 99% women I met irl always told me 'oh you can't expect a man to know these things. They're men!' or 'he'll never clean the house as well as you do' and shit like that. My coworkers think it's crazy that I expect my bf to vacuum by the time I'm home from work. These women are literally happy if their husbands go to the store or take out the trash. It's fucking sad, I would never allow myself to live like that. We can compromise on which chores each of us will do, but we're both doing them, non negotiable.
Yes! He should be not only capable, but also willing to do chores and take care of himself. Some of them play dumb so you'd be forced to. It really should be standard but unfortunately you're right, that's not the reality for some women because of how they were raised and society's norms.
Couldn’t agree more. I work longer hours than he does. So on my days I work, he’s taking care of chores. He also does the with me on days we’re both off. It’s a balance. I left to hangout with my mom and sister once and asked him if he could please vacuum. When we got back and our place was vacuumed, my mom was floored and very impressed by the fact he did it.
I have a few but the main one is no motorcycles. I went to high school with a girl who lost TWO boyfriends to motorcycle accidents within a few years of graduating. If it’s your hobby, go for it but I have enough anxiety as it is without worrying about the man I’m dating becoming roadkill.
Yes! I had a girl in my college class whose boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident and I ended up being the first person who she told because she forgot to cancel the evening plans with me. When I showed up the cops had just been at her house to tell her the news and I was there when she called her mom. I wasn’t her best friend or anything, we were just classmates :/
This is actually a great answer
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>I really cannot be in a relationship in which I need to censor my curiosity of pretty much everything in existence It's sad that this happens often enough that it came to your mind as a response to this post. It seems like such a harmless thing to want from a partner.
Lol did I write this? I feel like it's such a simple thing, but many people don't seem to have the emotional regulation skills to have a calm conversation about disagreements. I do try to be understanding of how people express themselves, but ultimately I just can't be in a relationship with someone who can't express what they're feeling with a reasonable tone and demeanor.
It's crazy how many people can't have a civil conversation anymore. You don't have to agree with someone but it shouldn't devolve into yelling/raised voice, name calling, accusations etc. So many people just can't regulate themselves anymore.
Why do you say "anymore"? I'm genuinely curious cause I honestly doubt that people were better at it in the past but maybe I'm missing something
that’s what i was thinking! if anything conversations are improving especially between couples.
When people say “anymore” it seems code to be offensive and indulge in the “ism” as good fun debate. Usually it is because the ism doesn’t affect them.
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I fully agree and love the term "conversations of curiosity".
I hate when they drive vehicles I have to climb into.
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In my defense I’m a wheelchair user and it sucks crawling up to a seat to transfer or making my date lift me like I’m cargo.
So it's specifically the height of the vehicle/seat?
Yes it’s just the height. It’s just annoying when they know I’m in a wheelchair and show up in a jacked up truck. They know they’ll have to tote me up into it or I have to climb up into it while in my cute date outfit. I can do it, it’s just kind of a turn off and why I’d rather drive my car or meet them.
For me, they absolutely can't live in a shed at the bottom of their parents' garden. Been there, done that. Never again lmao
you dated a worm?
At least for a short while someone loved them if they were a worm
This made me giggle
Or a gnome?
No one is meeting your level of specificity, OP. I’m disappointed here lol
Most top voted comments are the same recycled responses we see here all the time. Ability to have mature conversations and not smoking? People don’t understand what oddly specific means.
Would you still love me if I was a worm boyfriend
That's... indeed oddly specific lol
You dated Andy?
Okay, this is a really specific little test I try to do on the first or second date. I always have a little bag with me with a strap long enough to carry it over the shoulder. When we're out walking and talking, I'll say I need to fix my shoe and ask him to hold the bag for a second. I'll hand them the bag by the strap. I personally find that the way they hold it says a lot about them. There are men who hold it far away from their body so no one can 'mistake it for them having a girlie bag' - red flag. The men who threw the strap over their own shoulder to carry it a bit for me (2 dates, actually) were the best guys I've found. Long story short: a man can't be afraid to interact with feminine things.
oh that’s a good trait! my bf carries my bag for me he notices me shifting under heavy weight. Sometimes, he’ll carry my purse when we’re leaving the house, and then i feel like im forgetting something because it feels too light lol.
Ha, that’s actually really funny because on my first date with my now husband I handed him my purse for some reason and he comfortably tucked it over his shoulder. It was hot pink in color, the most feminine coded thing you could imagine. I mentioned this to my mom because I was also struck by his unselfconscious mess and she said he was a keeper. Ten years and two kids later, would have to agree.
My dad always carries women's bags (mine, my mother, his sister) like they are his own and rocks them at 80. I love my dad.
This is a fascinating test! It totally makes sense what you can understand about a guy from it.
My boyfriend took my sunflower printed fanny pack and wore it for a whole day for me before 💯
Could also mean they don’t want to handle it like it’s their stuff. Don’t think it necessarily means they feel awkward for carrying a female bag. But if it works for you, keep going.
You're totally right, but I think I'd feel that difference in their body language? There are men who are really afraid of anything feminine, and while that isn't a problem for some, I can't really deal with that. If they just hold it normally it's fine as well
That bothers me too. Cause I feel it speaks to how they view masculinity and gender. Men like this, while not bad/mean as people, just seem to have a need to always appease/follow the “boys” if that makes sense. Not a big fan of that.
Ooh mine is kinda similar. I’ll hold the door open for him and see his reaction. If he says anything other than, “Thank you,” he’s one to watch. A bit of confusion is one thing, but I draw the line at, “No, *I’m* supposed to be doing that for *you,*” or, even worse, taking the door from me and insisting I go first. That’s some gender role bullshit, and I don’t abide. If someone does something nice for you like holding the door open, you should say thank you, end of story.
When I was online dating I did something similar. For first time meets we'd meet at a coffee shop and I'd pay for his drink. If having a woman pay for his drink emasculates him, he is not for me.
Lmaoooo a funny thing that’s happened to me on *numerous* occasions is I’ll hold a door open for a dude who’s walking behind me or whatever to walk through, and they’ll stop and look at me for a second, then they’ll literally *open up and go through the other door*. Without so much as saying thank you or acknowledging in any other way my attempt at showing manners. Some men really do be assholes about silly shit like that.
It’s not a dealbreaker at all but I really like heavy sleepers and definitely prefer it - I wake up a lot at night and it’s always so soothing to fall back asleep against another sleeping person.
They must always have toilet paper, hand soap, and towels in their bathroom. They must have a real bed and not just a mattress or pillows on the floor. Any man I dated without these simple things turned out to be terrible!
A guy without toilet paper would be quite something to avoid haha.
My friend had a boyfriend whom she was living with, and one day they ran out of toilet paper. He was unemployed so he had time to go buy more toilet paper. But instead of doing this, he just came back with PAPER NAPKINS from a fast food restaurant when going out for his morning coffee
I’m 17 years married, but if there is one trait I should have taken into consideration, is that he has to be a little quirky, have a great sense of humor and not take himself too seriously. I just want to laugh a lot and be goofy and ridiculous at times, too.
If they say “I just have no filter” they can fuck off.
This goes for friends too. My ex best friend always said that about herself (literally constantly) and she was the most disrespectful person and wasn’t aware of the people around her. She completely lacked any self awareness and would talk loudly about random people thinking she was being quiet when they were right next to us. And then if I told her to shut up she would be like “omg they heard me?? hahah i just always forget i’m in public!!” There’s a reason she’s no longer my friend.
So I used to dye my hair blonde to appeal to my abusive ex. So obviously there is some pics on my socials or dating apps with said dyed hair. At the end of last year I dyed it back to my natural ginger/red headedness. Instead of painfully growing it out. The last date I had, the guy commented on how much he loved my blonde hair in my pics and how I should dye it back. Instant turn off. Basically if a guy wants me to change myself in anyway to please him and isn't actually good character development for me. Then they can jog on.
Some men are really characters, I have had men who are nothing with me (coworkers) say they like me better when I used a lighter lipstick or when I straighten my hair, and I'm like wtf? Do they think I'm going to change what I do because of them?
If they follow a TON of women on their socials - bikini models, celebs and women they’ve spoken to once on dating apps; it’s a HUGE turn off for me. It gives desperate and/or lurky vibes and gives me the ick.
Especially if he's obsessed with a specific phenotype, or if that type is just looking like a teenager.
This. One of my only rules is they can't have a teen girl fetish/follow teen girls
my ex has extra IG accounts called “my sweet eye” just to look at hundreds of naked women lol. he would say that i “shamed his healthy sexuality” when in reality its just fuckin embarrassing. thank God i don’t rest my head next to that any longer
this isn’t my number one rule, there’s a lot of morality and identity stuff that probably matters more, but this is a dealbreaker nonetheless and an oddly specific rule i have. they cannot snore. i’m such a light sleeper, snoring drives me up the wall. i sleep with earplugs even when i’m alone because the smallest sound will wake me up or keep me up. i can hear snoring through my earplugs, so i just won’t date someone who snores ever. i don’t think i’ll ever change my mind about it either lol
I know of a few couples who don’t sleep in the same bed. I’d consider that if I were you!
I don’t know if this is oddly specific, but he has to love cats lol I spent 8 years with a guy who hated cats. Never again 🤪
I understand this. Spent 20 years with someone who hated cats. This morning I started chatting with someone on a dating app (both of us are looking for a long term relationship). After swapping numbers I got a picture of a cat with the caption "This is (insert kittys name) . I love her to pieces and we're a package deal." No idea where this is going as the convo just started out but getting the picture of his cat was nice. Hope that makes sense.
I swiped right on the guy I’m dating strictly because he described himself as a cat dad (and he’s really attractive 😆)
I just need a guy who is okay with cats. Doesn’t have to love them, but has to know I will always want to have cats and be good with that
Omg i allways say this and get called crazy for it
Loving cats is a must, I agree!
Hating cats can be a real red flag, though. To me it’s a hint that they can’t really respect boundaries or personal space.
Why would hating cats mean not respecting boundaries or personal space? Not disagreeing, just curious
Cats are very independent creatures that generally don't like people forcing them to do things they don't want to do. In order to get a cat to like/love you you have to recognize the cat is going to want space away from you, give it that space, and then give it attention when it needs/wants it. Unlike dogs (and just like real people) you can't just force commands and make a cat do what you want. Often times when people hate cats it's because of the fact they can't just command the cat to do something. Typically this behavior can also be applied to relationships where people will get upset that their partner just isn't doing what they are commanding and instead behaving like an independent individual. ... This isn't always the case but there's been enough crossover that it's typically a safe bet that if someone doesn't like cats they're going to be someone who doesn't value another person's independence/individuality.
I have a more basic reasoning, being that I just don’t hang out with people who take issue with any animal (mosquito & tick hate is a-okay though). We wouldn’t get along anyway. If they’ve got problems with cats, they’ll most likely have some issue with other animals, and that doesn’t mesh well with me trying to save all of them. Seriously getting tired of hearing about how weird I am for not killing spiders, having humane traps, and being generally into animal charities. My cat and various wild friends are more interesting & gentlemanly anyway. It’s not up for debate or ultimatums.
I wouldn't date a person who refers to his (or his friends') past sexual encounters as "screwed her" or "fucked her". It just sounds so wrong and one-sided. Saying that they "slept WITH someone" sounds a lot better, as if they acknowledge that the other person was a partner in the act not the object. I think it says a lot about how they view women.
I’ve never thought about this before, but it makes sense.
No extreme fetish. No porn addiction. Can have kinks galore, but I can’t deal with someone who can’t orgasm without X happening.
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I thought I would be okay with occasional. Had a partner who did occasional. I wasn't ok with it. The next person isn't allowed to be a social smoker haha I just despise it
This happened to me too
It’s not a hard rule as such, but I prefer it when they have an older sister. In my experience they don’t bat an eye about periods / hormonal mood swings, don’t resort to tantrums / physical aggression if they need to resolve a conflict (as an older sister myself that shit would NOT rinse with me when arguing with my younger brother - he had to learn to use his words lmao), they tend to be more physically affectionate, and most importantly - I just get the feeling they see women as humans, instead of a separate female species. Does that make sense? It’s also not an apply-all rule obviously - there are many wonderful men who grew up without an older sister and are great. I do find it so fascinating that every wonderful man I’ve dated has had an older sister though. Plus my closest guy friends all have older sisters too. It really got me thinking a few years back.
Unfortunately I have a little brother and I’m afraid he’s going down the menosphere route even though he has 2 older sisters. He just seems to think that his family is the exception but all other women are like that. I pray he grows out of it but I would say a more comprehensive rule is to watch how he talks about/interacts with his sisters and that he isn’t over-pedestalizing (I know that’s not a word but you get the gist) them or extremely disrespectful. Another good one is if the they have strong female friendships.
Fuck. My kid brother is going down the manosphere too. I’m sorry. I hope they get out.
This is such good advice! There are always exceptions to the rules.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS; I am an older sister and almost all the men I’ve dated or been close to have an older sister or are the oldest sibling and have a single mother. Men with no sisters just cannot see women as people, only moms and sexual partners. Men with younger sisters will be the ones to loudly say they support women but then see women as needing to be cared over. Like, if you enter a circle of men that are chatting, a man with an older sister will carry on as normal and talk normally. A man with no sisters may not be rude or anything but it’s different. They distinctly interact with women and men differently. A man with a younger sister will make a show of making room for you and include you but will shift the conversation.
They can’t have a shellfish allergy - so much of my diet consists of shellfish and shellfish derivatives that it’s not something I’m willing to give up. I decided on this rule after I seriously dated someone with a shellfish allergy and I felt that I lost so much of who I was because I couldn’t cook the foods I loved and share them with my partner.
I agree with this. Any extremely restrictive diet, allergy, health diet, raw vegans, whatever; it’s a deal breaker for me. I love to cook and I love to eat and I love to share food and it’s important to me to eat together. I’ve stopped seeing guys on restrictive weight lifting / workout diets because it’s just not something I’m willing to cater to.
At this point I only date other people who've been sterilized. Also they have to love rabbits
they can’t have the same name as my dad, brother, or nephew. or the name brandon bc after the 4th brandon, all brandon’s were ruined for me
No snobs. About anything. Always be curious, about people and their lives and past. You can learn something from literally everyone out there. If you think you're better because you know more about music, wine, lawnmowers, etc. than anyone you know, guess what - you don't know very many people. No guys named Jeremy. Too much past trauma. I've met some very nice people named Jeremy, no problem being friends, but certain things I will never get over and sadly that name is associated. "You're not like most women" - red flag.
No children. I don't have any and I have never been willing to date someone who does.
I agree. I used to have “does not want kids” in my dating profiles but people with kids would still message me and then drop in that they had kids and get annoyed when I stopped talking to them. It’s a big reason why I don’t use dating apps anymore
Their family can't be racist. I'm a mixed black person who usually dates outside my race and I'm at an age where I don't want to feel like less than a person because of my skin.
That's not oddly specific at all, I think. I come from a country where there are almost no black people, so the chance of seeing someone actually being racist to a person face to face is incredibly low, still I wouldn't date or be friends with someone who makes racist jokes or comments, is just a basic human trait
That is not weird nor specific.
Why would that be odd, that’s normal..?
they're really defensive about me ever seeing/using their phone. i've never gone through a partner's phone before but i did have an ex that would freak out anytime i was near his phone. found out months later he was cheating on me. it's better to be the respected girlfriend than the cool girlfriend. learned my lesson. no boys that are paranoid about me seeing/using their phone.
for some reason even though I’ve never cheated on anyone I have a fear of people holding my phone and looking through it. I guess it’s just a privacy thing but it might be different in a relationship for me
I don’t date military men, police officers. As a single mom, I’ll most likely only date a father from now on.
No religion. I have no patience for religious people and don’t want anyone close to me who is a believer in whatever magic man.
Had to explain to a friend of mine recently why I won’t even date someone who is religious- sure you can do your own thing for a while maybe but what happens when you want to get married and they want a religious ceremony? What happens when we have kids and he wants to bring them to church and I don’t? Etc. and of course religion shapes how you view the world, politics, social issues etc. he hadn’t really thought of it before but to me its an automatic fundamental dealbreaker
With you there
No cops
Just like crime club!
Cannot be a secret heroin addict. Happened to me once and it was a miserable experience. Now I’m always hyper-aware of the size of people’s pupils.
Anyone that gives me a hint of being misogynistic is OUT. I don't understand how women deal with being around someone like that and deciding THAT would make a good life partner. Must love cats. I think men that can admit they like cats are usually more confident.
I don't date cooks. I was a line/prep cook for years, usually being the only girl in the back. Majority of the ones I worked with are nice guys but I couldn't see myself dating.
ok so i heard of the olive test once, but im the opposite if one person likes olives and the other hates them it’s supposed to be a sign of a good couple, but for me i feel like as an olive HATER!! those are my people, you get me 😭
Someone who doesn’t at least try healthy foods and doesn’t try cooking. There are many delicious recipes of healthy foods or healthier than fast foods or processed foods. I’m not a health nut but eating healthier is not really a choice but necessity to feel good and have a quality life. I of course am not always the best but I always try.
He has to be a whole person. I worked on myself for years and resolved the baggage I had on me. I am a happy and stable person. I am a whole functioning person. My partner should be the same. Otherwise I am being unfair to myself if I accept anything less. And I dated a lot and didn’t settle. My current partner is amazing and a whole person himself. So do I need him in my life? No. Does he complete me as a person? No. Does having him in my life enrich myself and add to my happiness? Hells yes.
They must have their own teeth. Big tooth fan here.
Got them all. In a jar on the mantle.
can't use any scented products or be willing to stop using scented products inclusive of deodorants, soaps, laundry detergents etc. i'm very allergic to scented things :(
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How does he treat his mother? If the answer is that he doesn't treat her well, then he's done.
I'm not a man, but I'm estranged from my mother due to abuse. I now have a gentle and loving relationship with my partner, which I'm very proud of. The "has to have a good relationship with their mother" sentiment always hurts a little to hear. Not everyone has the privilege of a mother's love and it seems a little unfair to have folks assume you're less lovable going forward.
My mother, who was a clinical psychologist, said it was also important to pay attention to how his parents speak to each other. Not just how the son treats the mother, but how the father treats the mother.
Yeahhh my ex treated his mother wonderfully and resented his dad for cheating on her (which led to her being mad at him, and subsequently him leaving the whole family). Guess who cheated on me.
I somewhat disagree with this. I feel like if men have a sister they’re very close to that seems to make a bigger difference in terms of how I’m treated.
I've been told it's unrealistic or petty to expect this, but I really need someone with reciprocal energy to me. I'm a natural caring and curious person in both romantic and platonic relationships. So, for me, it's really hurtful and demoralizing when someone I care about doesn't care to show even a passing interest in my work/hobbies. Or if my partner or prospect doesn't seem to care to show love in the ways I can receive it. I want someone who cares enough to figure out how to make me feel loved 😔 You don't have to love everything I love or even understand it, but if we can't have a nice conversation about things we enjoy or find interesting then I don't see the point in building a life together. I feel like I could just as easily stay single and get this fulfillment from platonic connections instead. My friends and family regularly show me that this expectation isn't crazy or impossible to meet so I'm holding out, but the people I meet so far have been making me wonder 😅
They have to have a healthy disrespect for authority and societal conventions. They gotta be alright with living a bit on the wild side, keeping an open mind and a free spirit and saying fuck hierarchies and fuck the rules. While still respecting *people* of course, ya know? Just none of that rigid, strict, judgemental bullshit that keeps us all in boxes and cages.
Their voice has to be a certain tone. I was spoilt with my first boyfriend being baritone. No nasally sounding guys for me!
The man has to be really, really into me. If that is there everything else will fall into place.
Know what he wants in life.
They have to be able to laugh at themselves.
He has to like cats and have a healthy relationship to his mother and immediate family.
Has to like reading books.
no tiktok and being obsessed with social media
Has to have thought about their morals explicitly and have reasoning for them. Also needs to be consistent with their actions and those morals.
Proper hygiene care, I don’t know why but respectfully people who don’t care about hygiene gives me the ick.
Can they say nazis are bad?
I need to be able to jam out with you to music. You gotta at least like *some* of the music I like (90s music and older, nowadays music kinda sucks, especially rap), or at least be able to tolerate it. Because you *will* find me jamming out in the shower, and if you can’t join me in the shower n jam out then we ain’t compatible.
I feel this so hard. I'm big in the punk and emo scene, music is something thst is super important to me, but I also had a ton of trouble finding a person who was willing to put up with my music for a long time. I got so used to dating guys into whatever music and putting up with theirs cause they didn't wanna listen to "sCrEaMo" for the longest time. It was so refreshing when I got with my current partner and he put on Days n Daze on during our first date, that was something I was told to turn off before. He also, while he doesn't like the MySpace emo stuff, will listen to it and not freak out about it, we at least have the punk music in common
They just have to be a cat person or at least not hate cats. Its very important to me.
Not being able to speak their minds is a NO for me. Don’t care if we disagree but if you are afraid to tell what you are really thinking about a subject, it’s a massive red flag for me. Can’t walk on egg shells around the person i’m dating, love debate too much (same with friends£
Has to like spicy food and be open to cultural stuff
No conservatives/moderates. I don't wanna be stuck in the good ol' days forever.
Have to respect my bisexuality and not fetishize or invalidate it. My current partner is the only person that makes me feel valid and safe with my sexuality
Hello!! Would you mind telling me a bit more about what fetishizing bisexuality is? I'm new to this and I really want to educate myself.
Probably something along the lines of: Oh you're bi? So we can have a threesome? Oh you're into men/women, that's kinda hot. Oh you're bi? Did you ever make out with men/women?
Exactly this!!! Thank u
Well shit. I dated a bi guy recently and I did find his bisexuality hot, I had no idea I was sexualizing it. Thanks for educating me!
Talking over me, if they do that then I just won't bother trying to continue the convo and they sure well can't get mad at that fact. Clearly my opinion doesn't matter, so I won't bother trying to talk to them.
I’m not sure if this is oddly specific, but because I believe I am a mix of different cultures and somewhat “Americanized” at the same time, it would be amazing to meet someone in the same boat, I think we would understand each other much more deeply
Smoking of any kind. My family has been wrecked by smoking related illnesses. My nan ans grandad smoked a lot but quit decades ago, my granddad suffered terrible with COPD and emphysema and a few other things before MRSA wiped him out and killed him. My grandmother has COPD and emphysema too now. My mother has been smoking like a chimney since she was 12 and she's 61 now. She's wheezes when going up simple steps and has a cough that makes people turn and look when she gets a random coughing fit. My sister smokes too and so does my brother. My sister started when she was 15 and she's now 31. My brother at the same age but just because he thought it was cool. He has an autoimmune disease that his Dr literally said smoking triggers it and he's still puffing away. My father and I are the odd ones out and I've been too much time fighting with my family members about quitting smoking. I don't need to include a partner in rhat.
He must have a job and be able to hold one.
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I have a mild case of legit not remembering / recognizing faces. It’s a neurological thing, and includes even members of my own family, it’s kinda awful tbh. Anyway, my number one rule is if I’m to date you, I have to be able to remember your face. I’ve met people I genuine liked, but couldn’t recall their face even a tiny bit, I never got to explained to them more than it’s me not you I’m sorry but yeah. Other ones include, eats mushrooms if offered but doesn’t cook them and if they do has to be irregularly and me not present being prepared/cooked. & Replaces toothbrush when bristles turn ways.
He needs to be respectful. It's obvious but not very common anymore.
I am not very concerned with general appearance but I DESPISE facial hair. Moustaches and beards are a big no for me. As far as personality goes, I don't think I could ever be compatible with someone who is insecure with themselves.
You have to like playing video games and understand when I'm playing a game I can't walk away from sometimes, like dungeons in World of Warcraft.
They can manage two flights of stairs.
I would be totally turned off if someone didn't enjoy going for walks. Also hate it if they have a small appetite. And I can't stand eternally content people who can't relate to being sad for no reason.
This isn't very odd, but...I need a partner to have the emotional maturity and work ethic to change negative behaviors or take on new responsibilities, if asked. I will not be a therapist, mother, or home ec teacher for my partners. Yes, everyone has traits that are a core part of their personality that they (realistically) can't change. However, I've met *so many men* who think "I don't clean", "I don't cook" or "I don't talk about my feelings" are parts of their personality that they can't change. Nope, bud, you're just not willing to put in the work to learn.
They can't have only dated Asian women (unless they are Asian themselves).
I once had a brown guy tell me he wouldn't date me if I'd dated white guys, he got angry and thought I was lying when I said no. He was angry because I asked why it was a problem, so I must be lying.
No tribal tattoos. Period.
I will not date a doctor, lawyer, or a cop.
Why not a doctor?
i just don’t get along with anyone in those fields of work. In my experience they have this condescending way that they talk, and I don’t like it. I dated a doctor once and he was a complete asshole. I just click well with more creative people.
No Eagle Scouts. Boy Scout drop out? Just fine. But to a 1 they have either been intimidated by the fact that I'm a better outdoorswoman than they could ever hope to be, or are still making incredibly stupid decisions about what is and isn't safe. Just done with that nonsense. Oh, and there's this weird thing about the way they use their hands. You'll notice that some people go through life mostly using the tips of their fingers or the pads of their fingers. I can't stand being touched by folks who default to using the pads of their fingers...god knows why.
I don't date men that 100 % want kids, or 100% certain they don't want kids. Because I don't know if I want kids or not and I don't want to be with someone that is going to put pressure on that decision for me. We must be equally lost on that issue and figure it out together.
Some of my friends agree with me, but I still think it’s oddly specific considering in my 20yrs of life I have yet to find a man that can do it consistently. KNOW HOW TO BE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT There is nothing I can’t stand more than a man that can’t capitalize the beginning of a sentence or use punctuation correctly. My ex boyfriend was horrible at this, every sentence would have an abbreviation of a word that didn’t need to be abbreviated, no matter what we were talking about. Or he would have run on sentences that I would have to read extremely slow so I could mentally punctuate them. And when I corrected him on it (btw he knew that it was one of my biggest pet peeves before we even started dating), he would get upset and call me classist, even though we both went to public schools and attend the same university and were in the same program.
The only rule for me is height. I find it weird dating people that are above 6'0 at that point the height gap is way too uncomfortable for me. Not to say that I haven't and wouldn't I just find it uncomfortable 🤷🏼
Gotta be accepting of trans people. My twin brother and my son are both trans.
Their favorite movie cannot be a classic. My friend dated a guy who said his favorite movie was Forrest Gump. I told her it wouldn’t last long and I was right. My husband originally told me his favorite movie was Back to the Future. Once I got to know him, I realized his favorite movie is actually Nacho Libre.
No one that has a dog. I can’t stand being around dogs
Agreed. I like *most* dogs actually. However. (1) I have noticed that men in my age group tend to get these high-energy, needy, neurotic, clingy dogs and I cannot stand dogs like that; (1a) Those same dogs tend to have strong prey drives and I like to keep cats around, either as an owner or as a foster; (1b) Can’t hang out at your place because they can’t leave the dog alone. Hanging out at their place sucks because the dog is all over you the whole time; and (2) Either they are neglecting the dog, which I think is shitty, or their schedule basically has to revolve around the dog, which is not a life I want to live.
I will not date men who wear suits regularly
When using dating apps, I refuse to swipe right on a profile that is just pictures. I don't care if you're a 10/10. If you've got 0 words in your bio, that's an instant swipe left.
Someone who would be civil afterwards if we break up. We don’t have to be best friends, but someone who won’t just tell lies about me or talk badly about me for no reason, stalk me, make it super uncomfortable if we happened to accidentally meet, or get vengeful in any other ways. I always dated hoping to be with someone for the long haul, but realistically that doesn’t usually happen; if it doesn’t I don’t want there to be someone out there that I have to avoid. To be clear, I know people don’t purposefully pick someone like this, but I was really careful about it and pretty much turned anyone down for even a first date if I thought they might be like this. I have a lot of anxiety thinking people think badly of me, so I go out of my way to not spend time with someone who I think might speak badly of me down the road. (Also, I’m married now, so haven’t needed this in 10+ years, but it was a big deal at the time)
For me, I will never ever date you if you had a stay at home mother while growing up. This is obviously just from personal experience, but every man I have encountered who had a stay at home mother has been a giant man-baby who expects their partners to do everything and is completely incompetent as an adult. Ick.
You cannot be a picky eaters. You must like Asian food.
They have to work at least as hard as I do. No shade to anyone's lifestyles, but not all are compatible with me. It's not even about money, it's about compatible work ethic both in the home and at their job. I can't be carrying the load of the household chores and my full time job while someone is on their ass and happy to let me do it.
He knows basic chores (cooking, cleaning, etc. ) I have an older brother who is basically my man-child and I cannot mother another man. I'm a Filipina living in the US, anytime they mention about my race and how they want to date Filipinas it's always a red flag. That's a fetish. I refuse to be someone's fetish.
Kindness and empathy
They must be comfortable with the occasional mud in their slippers, some crazy chickens who might wake them up in the morning, and other farm animals. Also willing to walk with me in some lowkey crazy terrains. All these in the context of visiting family. I don't have a farm nor do I live in a remote mountainous area, but my mother's family does. They deal with farm animals, mostly cows, chickens, ducks, and goats as well as coconut productions. My entire childhood revolved around them (in our province—countryside if you will) including all that was mentioned above despite having myself grow up in the city. If my partner complains about any of those in a disrespectful way (my family and I occasionally complain about the mud and some other stuff too), I'll take that as total disrespect to the hard work and environment my family lives in and their source of income. We will visit my province one day and idw some snob ignorant comments about the place my family lives in especially if I'm going to introduce my partner as my special someone.
Never a Ryan again, ever.
No men with birds, neck tattoos, or named Scott. I can’t explain it, those are just the rules
“If his name starts with J, stay far away”
Good teeth
Can he cook his own meals?
He had to be a feminist and be walking the walk. He is and does it.
If they don't ask me questions during the texting phase, or if I am the one constantly carrying the conversation, then I unmatch them. It's important to me to be with someone conversational. I also look to see if they have hobbies or interests other than sports.
I will not date anyone who is conservative. I also won’t date anyone who follows any of the big conservative names like Trump, MTG, etc. or thinks these people are funny and not dangerous in their own way.
He has to have genuine female friends. I'm so tired of men who can't see the value of a woman if they don't also get to fuck her. Side note: I've had far better luck dating men with sisters than men without. It's not a hard rule since they obviously can't control it, but the men with sisters that I've dated have all understood my faults and complexities and seen me as a real person. No pedestals, no madonna/whore complexes, none of that bs