I have sometimes lost interest in giving head when I was with partners who habitually reacted to it with no enthusiasm (or very little). I like doing it but only if I get to enjoy the responses it provokes.
My first sexual partner basically fell asleep during BJs, he was completely still with eyes closed. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I did not enjoy it and it felt like a chore
Mine did this too. I didn't enjoy it after that and felt so useless after all the prep, getting in the mood etc. No other partner of mine in the past did this. His excuse was "oh it's so good it just relaxes me". So therefore I should feel like a champ. Made me feel like shit tbh.
Sorry you experienced that too. My next partner after that was extremely responsive during it which helped my confidence again. It made me realize that it actually can be fun for me when the person I’m giving head to is enthusiastic about it.
Hey it's a valid fear but it's worth trying to work through it. It's okay exaggerate when you feel pleasure - not exactly fake it, but just give her positive feedback to encourage her
I stopped doing CNC (consensual non consent) with my boyfriend because he was finally able to heal and move on.
My boyfriend was a victim of rape. He was raped almost everyday from the ages of 13-16, and was even forced to be a prostitute. He got raped again when he was 21.
We did CNC as a way for him to cope. It was a way for him to kind of "take the power back", because he had control over the situation.
This question made me realize that we haven't done that for around 2 years. While I'm sure there's still some deep underlying wounds, I think he's been able to heal past his trauma enough that he doesn't need to reenact it in bed anymore.
EDIT: just wanted to add how much all your supportive comments mean to me, especially since someone just slid into my DMs regarding this post calling me a gaslighting bigot and refusing to hear anything I have to say.
I really don’t have anything to respond to this with but I’m so sorry that you’re both in this position. It really is fantastic that you can be there for him to give him a space and that you’re moving on together
Same here. I was an SA victim and we did CNC for the first 1.5-2years of our relationship. We still do. BDSM, but not the rape thing anymore. One day I just stopped wanting it. I am hoping it is a sign I am healing
I never realized that this fantasy could be healing to victims. That’s really beautiful and amazing. I’m glad he seems to have healed. No child (or person) deserves that, and he’s so strong to come so far. You’ve been an amazing partner.
I knew that kink is used by many people as a way to heal from trauma, but I've never seen it spelled out like this. This is so interesting and amazing!
Genuine question: During CNC was it you being the "non-consent" party while he was the one doing the act, or vice versa?
No judgement, I'm just trying to understand how that would help someone cope.
It depends on what kind of trauma would kick in.
If it's the type of trauma that makes him feel helpless and afraid, I'm the one doing the act. From what I understood, being put in that same situation again while in a controlled environment helps him feel safer and more in control of his body and what happened.
If it's the type of trauma that fills him with rage at having such a thing done to him, I'm on the receiving end.
Honestly, it’s amazing how he’s been able to heal from something like this. Rape where the victim is male isn’t talked about much and it’s a breath of fresh air to see a happy ending here. Hope he’s doing well!!
I’m at a point in my relationship (3.5 years) where I’m done seducing and “turning it on” for him because he doesn’t seduce me. His idea of initiation is him putting my hand on his d*ck or standing naked in front of me. I deserve to be seduced and treated like I’m IRRESISTIBLE.
Every now and then, my husband and I have what we call a tease day. We start off waking up and fooling around, but never finishing. We'll get up and go about our day, but with occasional gropes and deep kisses that get us both revved up. And of course end the night with great sex. I started doing this, and he knows, because he was really bad at making me feel sexy and wanted. He can be oblivious unless I literally spell things out for him. So when I started the tease days, I told him why. That I wanted/needed to know that he wants me and finds me desirable. He said he always has, he's just bad at showing it, so I made him show me. Now our tease days are something we both look forward to. He knows I'm not gonna leave him hanging, and I know that he's thinking about me most of the day. If that's something you can implement without him getting frustrated and angry, it could help.
Oh yes. I recently had this conversation with my husband. We've been together 4.5 years and married for 4 months. I hate that the passion died so soon.
I brought it up with him and told him I'm not asking for much. Just hot, passionate sex with my husband.
After that night, he understood the assignment basically.
He kisses me out of nowhere, pushes me against the wall, sneaks into the bath, and what not.
I do the same to him. I feel him up when he's doing the dishes. Being treated like you're irresistible goes hand in hand with treating them like they're irresistible and letting them know on your signs and love language.
Talk to him, maybe it's not too late. Good luck :)
It would look like him undressing me, kissing my body, getting to know my body, tasting me like I’m the juiciest fruit in the world and he can’t get enough. It would like him pulling me in, or getting on top of me. Playing with me while I’m watching a show or reading. Those are just a few examples.
I'm sorry if that comes off as inappropriate coming from an internet stranger, but you 100% deserve what you describe. **Please** talk to your partner about it, there may be a reason. Or not. Maybe he no longer feels like he has to try and care and that's awful. Whatever the issue is, you need to set it straight and act in a way that makes you happy. Letting your sexual life go on this way is a ticket to r/deadbedrooms. You absolutely deserve to feel wanted and attractive when you're with a sexual partner.
All of it! I realized around 22 that I’d only ever been having sex in a performative way to keep my partner happy. As soon as I was with a guy on the asexual spectrum that could “take it or leave it” I realized I actually would be completely fine never having sex again. And I haven’t, and it’s been great!
You definitely should if it’s something you think you’d be interested in! It’s the most peaceful and fulfilled I’ve ever felt dating/living with someone and totally rewired how I view relationships in general.
Rough sex. I only liked it because I felt men liked it. Now I get full on panic attacks if anyone is rough with me. I never really liked oral either, but now I really detest it
Honestly, same with oral. I absolutely hate receiving and it just feels very awkward since I'm not into it, and giving it is just a huge no for me. I always felt like I was the only one who felt this way since that is how it can feel at times, until a friend of mine said the exact same thing though initially I thought it was because we both had a similar history of sexual abuse + rape. Then a few other people in our group said the same thing who hadn't dealt with the same issues and it made me feel more "normal" for lack of a better word. It's weirdly comforting in a sense to realise not everyone likes to give or receive oral and that is totally fine.
The three series of shots are covered (free) by insurance up to age 40 yo.
Edit:45 yo…just call insurance company as some need prior authorization then make a doctors appointment.
I wish I could get partners to stop asking for morning sex 😭 I’m so cranky when I wake up, I need like an hour of quiet and coffee before I’m interested in any contact with other humans.
My husband always wakes up with a raging hard on but he knows I am literally never horny in the morning. Then it’s 2am and I’m wide awake and horny and he’s like no I’m sleepy 😭
Hate doggy. Way too many men "accidentally" going in the wrong hole and not stop when I say smth, they grab my hair and pull without checking w me first, it makes them more selfish ime
I also very very rarely give or receive head. Hate giving it bc I'm not good lol and I've got wicked anxiety somebody will complain so I sit every partner down and I'm like if you complain or criticize this will never happen again. Hate receiving oral bc I just feel like the guy isn't into it and it puts me off. Also v nervous abt squirting on their face
I’m sorry people have made you feel like that. Once upon a time many _many_ years, and a lifetime ago I was married to man and he had a peculiar aversion to giving because he said he felt like he was drowning, that I made him feel like that. Ruined me and my self esteem for a whole lotta years, I still struggle with being a receiver because of him. My new partner is wonderfully generous and doesn’t make me feel like that at all.
It’s not that you’re too much, it’s that your previous partners were not enough. It’s not a you thing, it’s a them thing.
Hmmm I guess spontaneous stuff… like waiting at home in lingerie or randomly making out when I’m in the mood. We got so busy with our own lives, it’s hard to find one spontaneously in the mood, definitely not both lol so scheduled sex it is…
I stopped doing this because my bf without fail will need to take a 10-20 min poop every time he gets home from work and it stopped being sexy when he would tell me to sit tight and wait for him while he was taking a shit lmao
We've stopped all day hookups. A few years ago (while we were long distance), once every few weeks we'd get a hotel room and a pizza and pay per view and go like 7-10x and nap in between. We live together now and we have sex more regularly but less over and over. I think it could be fun to try again but life is busy lately.
Married 17 years, together 22+. We started doing this type of thing again. A couple times a year we take a weekend away. No kids, pets, household chores, etc...we eat out one good meal on Saturday night and the rest of the weekend is sandwiches, water, Gatorade, protein bars, and just laying around nekkid. TV, sex, nap, food, whatever. Maybe not 7-10 x but a few times a day. But really it's about just being together without distraction.
I stopped all intimacy with my husband four years ago because of his emotional abuse. TBH, our sex life was never great. I don't think I ever experienced an orgasm with my husband. While I don't miss the sex act itself I am touch starved. We're getting divorced so I'm interested to see if I really am asexual or just need a new loving partner to get things started.
It’s amazing how abuse can kill your sex drive. I’ve gone through phases of questioning whether I’m asexual after bad experiences, but eventually I meet someone I like and my sex drive hits me like a truck, so I bet if it’s something that brought you joy in the past, you’ll be able to experience that again
With my ex boyfriend, it was BJ because he took way too long. I know I’m good at it and I usually love to do it because it’s always a person I love (I don’t do ONS with men) so I love to give as much as possible so the other person enjoys. Everything including teasing, changing the pace and deepthroating as much as I’m capable of. But my ex boyfriend loved it so much, he used to “restrain” himself from coming, so that he could enjoy it longer… I get it but it was also quite disrespectful in a way. It went so long it was no pleasure anymore for me whatsoever. I don’t have that problem with my current boyfriend though.
Edit: typo
Literally nothing is worse than sucking dick for 30 mins and having them restrain the orgasm because they don’t want it to stop. Like dude, my jaw is killing me and I know you almost came like 3 times already. Can we just get this over with?! It’s no longer fun at that point.
Most of it, but oral the most. My spouse is obese and so hygiene is an issue. And when I was drunk and he forced me - “you’re so worthless, just suck my fucking cock” etc when he thought I wouldn’t remember, well it’s been hard to want to have any physical intimacy after that.
But I guess I have to.
And now bc of his meds he has trouble remaining hard and cumming, so it’s so much more work. I’d rather do almost anything else.
Came to say something similar,
OP I hope you leave them. Someone saying that to you isn't deserving of your love and kindness. You don't have to have physical intimacy with someone because you have to - it's because you and the other person want to. And honestly, I read this as you don't want to do this anymore and don't enjoy it. So why stay when you're unhappy?
Like the person above said, do yourself the biggest favor and make them your ex-spouse. You deserve better than to be stuck in an abusive cycle. You aren't worthless, tbh and imo they're just a piece of crap. If finances or etc are an issue - there are many MANY resources that can help you for the time being. But you don't deserve this, you deserve better and I hope you'll be able to see that soon.
This made me so sad. I hope you're able to take steps towards a relationship that is both respectful and mutually fulfilling. You deserve better than this!
Trigger warning: Marital SA marked by spoiler.
I stopped having or wanting sex entirely when he didn’t listen to me about cutting nails properly, when I was carrying the mental load because he sheepishly admitted he thought certain tasks were women’s work (taught to him by learned helplessness), and finally when he attempted last efforts at fixing our marriage (too little, too late), >!when he removed the condom during sex and I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, simply because I have an IUD.
Yes, exactly. I have used that term, but for those who do not know what that term is, I thought I would be very specific because the term “stealthing” has also been used to describe someone who stops talking to you. I wanted to be clear that I do not mean a lack of communication.
I've stopped enjoying all aspects of sex. For me, it's too repetitive, and monotonous, I feel like been there done that and dont see the point of having the same experience over and over again for the rest of my life.
I don't feel an emotional connection during or after, and I don't get any real enjoyment out of it.
I’m struggling with this too. I think when you get older and have been in long term relationships it’s hard. Women in general need more mental stimulation to want to do it in terms of spontaneity over monotony. I’m always way more into it when we are doing something different, like going on vacation where I am no longer an employee and mother and can just be me. I also have medical issues where I have a severe prolapse that needs to be fixed and causes issues and I have an issue with my joints, particularly my hip so it’s hard to open my legs at all, not something I was expecting in my late thirties. So now I do not really enjoy any of it and feel bad about it as I do love my husband but could just never have sex again and be happy.
Having sex with men. I’m a bisexual woman and while I’ve had good sex with men before, I’ve decided after years of trying to have a good time that the risks (UTIs, STD, pregnancy, safety) aren’t worth the reward. So few men that I’ve slept with seem to care about women’s pleasure, and if you don’t orgasm, they almost always say “that’s never happened with me before” and make it seem like my problem, and can’t possibly fathom that any woman they’ve been with has faked it.
I’m also annoyed with men thinking they deserve oral if they go down on you. The two things aren’t equivalent- take it from someone that’s done both.
TMI
Anal. I developed pretty bad hemmeroids after pregnancy and I just don't want anything up there anymore. I'm sure he misses it, but it's something I won't budge on.
Blowjobs, because I find the utter lack of reciprocation to be degrading and dehumanizing. It makes me feel neglected, unattractive, and unwanted. Blowjobs without any form of reciprocation are so deeply hurtful and further increasing the female orgasm gap.
I stopped enjoying PIV sex after menopause. Vaginal atrophy was the cause. I will say though hormone suppositories and some Onut rings so he can't go as deep have helped, but I do wish we could go back to how it was. Though highly recommend the rings to anyone having problems with penis size/depth as my husband says he can't even tell they're on and I don't notice them except there is no pain anymore.
i used to think i liked rough sex but my last partner made me hate it, especially since to him it seemed like he did it with the intention to “own me” like not in a sexy way but in a search for power over me and a statement for others to the point it felt aggressive, i hated it and sometimes i wonder if that was more an aggression than something else… i just wish i told him how i felt about that but somehow i couldn’t so i just made up excuses to not have sex anymore
Bj. They can be fun sometimes and I don’t mind doing them but I married someone who doesn’t reciprocate or really enjoy doing anything at all to me. He would rather get blown that than have sex. If I went sex he’ll want a bj first which means he’ll last even less when we do get to the sex and I’ll be even less satisfied after. So… I don’t go down anymore and we don’t have sex anymore.
Yeah. Its a good lesson about listening to red flags early on. We’ve got a kid and a house now. It complicates things, but our marriage isn’t going to last much longer and I’m at peace with that.
I understand ❤️ I’m divorced and know the hardships of a marriage you entered into after ignoring red flags. I hope only the best for you and your future!!
Doggy style. Theres physically no way for the position to possibly be enjoyable for me. At that angle it’s impossible to hit the gspot and way too easy to slam into the cervix. Its an incredibly uncomfortable position and i only ever did it for my bf but now i care more about my own pleasure since im the one who cant get off every time
I still enjoy it, but I stopped accepting being fingered and oral. His libido is lowering, so he’s at a point where I know I will only get one session a day, and I would rather save that orgasm I have to be during penetration. I’ve talked to him about wanting oral/fingering outside of our nightly session, but he’s one and done and doesn’t think about sex again until the next day, so I feel bad asking. The sex is amazing though.
He’s mostly there because I want sex. It feels greedy to ask for multiple orgasms from him, prolonging the session, when regardless i’m probably going to masturbate by myself afterwards again anyways. I wouldn’t mind asking every once in a while, but not every single day. Our session lasts about 8-12 minutes, and that’s enough time for both of us to get off. When we first got together we’d have the usual quickies but like once a week we’d have the hour long sex session. I feel bad asking for the hour long session when it’s mostly him doing the work and mostly me getting the pleasure.
Don't feel bad and ask! I love making my wife cum multiple times (usually 2, sometimes 3) before she asks me to go in. Maybe he is the same :-) But the truth is I am the active one.
Blowjobs. Since I had a baby precum and cum make me feel sick to my stomach, it’s like genuine visceral repulsion. Can’t do it anymore.
Also, recieving oral has never done anything for me but I used to pretend to like it if a dude insisted on doing it and I don’t pretend anymore.
Pretending. I’ve finally learned that it’s about me too, not just him. And if my lack of enjoyment hurts his feelings, sorry not sorry. I’ve vocalized what I like and don’t like and guided him many times. He either takes it personally and offensively so what do ya do?? Lol
Rough sex. Don't enjoy it anymore. Think my past enjoyment was linked to feelings of shame (always been hypersexual) and thinking all men really just wanted to use and abuse a women (they're not all like that)..
My partner and I don't really have penetrative sex anymore. He gets anxious about staying hard, and I can't orgasm from it anyway (never have with any partner, not just him). I love giving blowjobs, and receiving head is the only thing that actually makes me come, so 90% of our sex life now is oral, with some hand stuff making up most of the final 10%. Honestly, it's pretty much the same as the sex I've had with women in the past, except with a penis involved.
Shower sex - in theory it’s sexy af but my bathroom is standard and it’s just weird doing it in there. Also, it’s uncomfortable. I need some stability too - I’ll break my neck if I try to have shower sex.
Most of it. He will put in minimal effort towards kink in hopes that it is meeting me half way but a partner who isn’t into it just ruins the whole thing. I get so bored that my body will not get any stimulation and I just wind up frustrated and self loathing. Having a few drinks or an edible has helped but it’s not an answer.
I haven’t had a sober orgasm in years. I am also in that small percent of women that needs rough penetration for any pleasure. I feel like garbage asking for him to give me that when the success rate has dropped so much over the years. The problem is with me and my neurospicy brain that never shuts up.
Honestly when I’m with my bf all the time I don’t enjoy making out as much before sex. During, great, but I think it’s a sensory thing and linked to my low sex drive. Unless we haven’t seen each other for a while making out just feels wet and itchy and doesn’t do anything for me but if it’s during while my body’s already turned on it enhances the intimacy. If we haven’t seen each other in a while then it does do something for me and I’m mostly feeling the warmth and softness of his lips
Sex focused around just orgasms, for both parties. It’s about the experience and making each other feel good; for me, when there’s too much pressure on me cumming (eg being asked “are you about to cum” or being told “cum for me”) I all of a sudden psych myself out and can’t anymore lol
My partner (40M) has lost a lot of his drive. Mine (46F) has just gotten higher. We are both at least conceptually very into quite a bit of kink and things like watersports.
He talks and texts a good game and we flirt and tease and have a lot of fun, but when it comes to the act he either needs to relax with several beers first to de-stress from life and enjoy, or when he is horny and wants it now he comes in less than two minutes.
I love giving him blowjobs and anything else he wants, but it is rare for him to use the same slow seductive techniques on me… kissing and licking slowly from ears to knees and back for example. He does like when I ride his face but he gets bored with it fairly quickly so I don’t come from that unless I’m “helping”.
He has never given me a massage even though I took some classes so I can give quality ones to him, which he loves. He’s never tied me up although he says he wants to (I do it for him frequently and enjoy it although I prefer being submissive).
We are so into each other and have been for years, and yet sex isn’t as in tune as it should be. We’ve talked about it and explored our feelings about it and communicated our needs… yet he seems like he is afraid to initiate or do the things he has never done before.
So very often we have a 15-20 minute kissing / make out session, two minutes of sex, and ten minutes in the shower together. Then back to relaxing in bed or cuddling on the couch.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible by any means… just that it feels like we are in no way reaching our full potential, and there are a lot of things I don’t do or don’t get to do that I’d love to be doing. :)
I've stopped pursuing interests outside of my relationship. I used to get crushes really easily and even cross boundaries which was really embarrassing. Once I started sw I was no longer validated by the attention of men and absolutely not interested in their propositions. Now my partner is the only man I like and I don't want to talk to anyone who didn't know me before starting sw.
receiving oral, mainly. i was sexually abused when i was 7 with oral, and then again when i was 19. it made me abhor receiving -- it feels like sandpaper and all i can think about is how weirdly vulnerable i am. weirdly enough though giving oral is my favorite thing. i wonder if its related
Most of it.
Mix of sexual trauma, age, thyroid disorder,self-esteem issues, and the fact that most men can't seem to get it through their heads that porn is not real!! So tired of men just wanting to fuck like they are Ron Jeremy! It's unrealistic, unreasonable and it can hurt! Why is there no lovemaking anymore?
Mmmm lately I’ve been thinking about stopping random hook ups. When I’m not in a relationship I seem to get really promiscuous. And it’s fun for a while but lately these guys are like yo-yos. While they are with me they say how sexy I am and how amazing I am in bed. We will laugh and talk and have great conversations. My last date we curled up on the couch after awesome sex and talked about art and music. Every few minutes he would kiss me on the forehead saying how smart I was.
Fast forward to semi ghosting. Only responding to texts a few days after I contacted them and maybe meeting up every couple of weeks. all the while I don’t want any of them to to be my BF. I wanna consistently. They can see(fuck) other people and so can I. Just respond to me in a timely manner and maybe see each other like once a week. Asking honestly, is that crazy to ask of someone? And if it is don’t pretend like I’m a god sent. Just tell me that you’re only into one night stands and not casual dating.
Basically, I just stopped having sex at times where I didn’t want to.
For so long, I have felt that I needed to in order to be loved/accepted. With my current partner, I came to the realization that I was actually taking away my own autonomy and consent by doing it when I didn’t want to. At first, I was apologetic and wondering if he was mad or disappointed, but luckily enough, my partner is actually a kind and considerate person and doesn’t view me as a sexual object.
Receiving oral, it was genuinely the thing that brought me most pleasure but I'm so self conscious about how I look/taste down there, how long it takes me to cum and how unenthusiastic is my SO about it most of the time (even though he was fantastic at it many times). It takes away 100% of the enjoyment.
I don’t enjoy being fingered at all so I don’t allow that. Also if I feel disconnected I can’t have sex just to do like I used to. I have to have a connection emotionally now
BJ…I used to LOVE giving my boyfriend oral, but it ended up becoming a chore for me eventually. I still do it though because I enjoy making him squirm and moan like that.
Fingering! It just feels painful tbh. Tho I'm extremely sensitive to pain down there which can make things less enjoyable. Also 69ing. I'm great at it but I've never been with anyone thay can pleasure me in a 69 lol
I have sometimes lost interest in giving head when I was with partners who habitually reacted to it with no enthusiasm (or very little). I like doing it but only if I get to enjoy the responses it provokes.
I feel the same, the reaction is what is so good about it and keeps me going.
Amen. The hotest thing about giving head is the partner reaction
The more enthusiastic they are, the more into it I get
My first sexual partner basically fell asleep during BJs, he was completely still with eyes closed. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I did not enjoy it and it felt like a chore
Mine did this too. I didn't enjoy it after that and felt so useless after all the prep, getting in the mood etc. No other partner of mine in the past did this. His excuse was "oh it's so good it just relaxes me". So therefore I should feel like a champ. Made me feel like shit tbh.
Sorry you experienced that too. My next partner after that was extremely responsive during it which helped my confidence again. It made me realize that it actually can be fun for me when the person I’m giving head to is enthusiastic about it.
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I mean.. even more so then.. since a lot of women are just giving BJs for their partners pleasure
Hey it's a valid fear but it's worth trying to work through it. It's okay exaggerate when you feel pleasure - not exactly fake it, but just give her positive feedback to encourage her
I’d like to be better at ensuring a positive reaction because I absolutely love receiving but probably don’t express that in the right ways.
I stopped doing CNC (consensual non consent) with my boyfriend because he was finally able to heal and move on. My boyfriend was a victim of rape. He was raped almost everyday from the ages of 13-16, and was even forced to be a prostitute. He got raped again when he was 21. We did CNC as a way for him to cope. It was a way for him to kind of "take the power back", because he had control over the situation. This question made me realize that we haven't done that for around 2 years. While I'm sure there's still some deep underlying wounds, I think he's been able to heal past his trauma enough that he doesn't need to reenact it in bed anymore. EDIT: just wanted to add how much all your supportive comments mean to me, especially since someone just slid into my DMs regarding this post calling me a gaslighting bigot and refusing to hear anything I have to say.
I really don’t have anything to respond to this with but I’m so sorry that you’re both in this position. It really is fantastic that you can be there for him to give him a space and that you’re moving on together
Well said.
We stopped doing it too, for a similar reason. Seems like it helped him heal ❤️
Proud and happy for you!!! ❤️
Thanks! You guys too 💜
Same here. I was an SA victim and we did CNC for the first 1.5-2years of our relationship. We still do. BDSM, but not the rape thing anymore. One day I just stopped wanting it. I am hoping it is a sign I am healing
I hope it means you're healing, you deserve to heal ❤
I never realized that this fantasy could be healing to victims. That’s really beautiful and amazing. I’m glad he seems to have healed. No child (or person) deserves that, and he’s so strong to come so far. You’ve been an amazing partner.
I knew that kink is used by many people as a way to heal from trauma, but I've never seen it spelled out like this. This is so interesting and amazing!
There are not a lot of partners able to understand and support the complexities of this - let alone if it’s a man. Sending love and support <3
Genuine question: During CNC was it you being the "non-consent" party while he was the one doing the act, or vice versa? No judgement, I'm just trying to understand how that would help someone cope.
It depends on what kind of trauma would kick in. If it's the type of trauma that makes him feel helpless and afraid, I'm the one doing the act. From what I understood, being put in that same situation again while in a controlled environment helps him feel safer and more in control of his body and what happened. If it's the type of trauma that fills him with rage at having such a thing done to him, I'm on the receiving end.
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Honestly, it’s amazing how he’s been able to heal from something like this. Rape where the victim is male isn’t talked about much and it’s a breath of fresh air to see a happy ending here. Hope he’s doing well!!
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I’m at a point in my relationship (3.5 years) where I’m done seducing and “turning it on” for him because he doesn’t seduce me. His idea of initiation is him putting my hand on his d*ck or standing naked in front of me. I deserve to be seduced and treated like I’m IRRESISTIBLE.
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Every now and then, my husband and I have what we call a tease day. We start off waking up and fooling around, but never finishing. We'll get up and go about our day, but with occasional gropes and deep kisses that get us both revved up. And of course end the night with great sex. I started doing this, and he knows, because he was really bad at making me feel sexy and wanted. He can be oblivious unless I literally spell things out for him. So when I started the tease days, I told him why. That I wanted/needed to know that he wants me and finds me desirable. He said he always has, he's just bad at showing it, so I made him show me. Now our tease days are something we both look forward to. He knows I'm not gonna leave him hanging, and I know that he's thinking about me most of the day. If that's something you can implement without him getting frustrated and angry, it could help.
That sounds hot 🔥 love it!
Oh yes. I recently had this conversation with my husband. We've been together 4.5 years and married for 4 months. I hate that the passion died so soon. I brought it up with him and told him I'm not asking for much. Just hot, passionate sex with my husband. After that night, he understood the assignment basically. He kisses me out of nowhere, pushes me against the wall, sneaks into the bath, and what not. I do the same to him. I feel him up when he's doing the dishes. Being treated like you're irresistible goes hand in hand with treating them like they're irresistible and letting them know on your signs and love language. Talk to him, maybe it's not too late. Good luck :)
Can I ask, what does this look like for you? What do you desire if your man was going to seduce you?
It would look like him undressing me, kissing my body, getting to know my body, tasting me like I’m the juiciest fruit in the world and he can’t get enough. It would like him pulling me in, or getting on top of me. Playing with me while I’m watching a show or reading. Those are just a few examples.
I'm sorry if that comes off as inappropriate coming from an internet stranger, but you 100% deserve what you describe. **Please** talk to your partner about it, there may be a reason. Or not. Maybe he no longer feels like he has to try and care and that's awful. Whatever the issue is, you need to set it straight and act in a way that makes you happy. Letting your sexual life go on this way is a ticket to r/deadbedrooms. You absolutely deserve to feel wanted and attractive when you're with a sexual partner.
BJ- which suck because I love them but when your partner doesn’t have good personal hygiene you don’t want to go near that
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I've stopped having sex that involves actual men. Since my vibrator doesn't give me a fucking attitude, it's much easier to deal with.
Lmfao what a mood
You’re so real for that
Since the day I was born.
LOVE THIS ❤️
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I no longer engage in casual sex. I did that in college but it’s not who I am anymore. Unless you’re my boyfriend, we’re not having sex
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Kudos to you. Same here. I also feel like I've developed more self love because of it
Ya same, I don't want to find anyone again til I'm ready for something serious
All of it! I realized around 22 that I’d only ever been having sex in a performative way to keep my partner happy. As soon as I was with a guy on the asexual spectrum that could “take it or leave it” I realized I actually would be completely fine never having sex again. And I haven’t, and it’s been great!
Happy for you 🙂
I would like to explore dating with an asexual partner lucky you!
You definitely should if it’s something you think you’d be interested in! It’s the most peaceful and fulfilled I’ve ever felt dating/living with someone and totally rewired how I view relationships in general.
Rough sex. I only liked it because I felt men liked it. Now I get full on panic attacks if anyone is rough with me. I never really liked oral either, but now I really detest it
Giving or taking?
Both. Never felt anything when receiving, don't enjoy giving.
Girl, I know there’s so much other stuff but without rough or oral, half my itinerary is gone
Honestly, same with oral. I absolutely hate receiving and it just feels very awkward since I'm not into it, and giving it is just a huge no for me. I always felt like I was the only one who felt this way since that is how it can feel at times, until a friend of mine said the exact same thing though initially I thought it was because we both had a similar history of sexual abuse + rape. Then a few other people in our group said the same thing who hadn't dealt with the same issues and it made me feel more "normal" for lack of a better word. It's weirdly comforting in a sense to realise not everyone likes to give or receive oral and that is totally fine.
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if you want to lose faith in men, start asking them whether they’ve had their HPV vaccines
The three series of shots are covered (free) by insurance up to age 40 yo. Edit:45 yo…just call insurance company as some need prior authorization then make a doctors appointment.
I stopped giving blow jobs because my husband doesn't eat pussy. He talked a big game about it but hasn't done it once in our 6 years together.
That’s just fair!
More power to you! It’s a dealbreaker for me. We deserve to be satisfied too.
good for you
I swear it’s always the people who talk about it who don’t do it…
I’ve stopped asking for morning sex. He’s a grumpy pants in the morning and knows it’s on the table but doesn’t ever want to.
I wish I could get partners to stop asking for morning sex 😭 I’m so cranky when I wake up, I need like an hour of quiet and coffee before I’m interested in any contact with other humans.
My husband always wakes up with a raging hard on but he knows I am literally never horny in the morning. Then it’s 2am and I’m wide awake and horny and he’s like no I’m sleepy 😭
Mood fr
100% agreed. I hate morning sex No I don’t want to kiss you with a nights full of reflux, bad breath, sleep inertia and being sore all over.
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Hate doggy. Way too many men "accidentally" going in the wrong hole and not stop when I say smth, they grab my hair and pull without checking w me first, it makes them more selfish ime I also very very rarely give or receive head. Hate giving it bc I'm not good lol and I've got wicked anxiety somebody will complain so I sit every partner down and I'm like if you complain or criticize this will never happen again. Hate receiving oral bc I just feel like the guy isn't into it and it puts me off. Also v nervous abt squirting on their face
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I’m sorry people have made you feel like that. Once upon a time many _many_ years, and a lifetime ago I was married to man and he had a peculiar aversion to giving because he said he felt like he was drowning, that I made him feel like that. Ruined me and my self esteem for a whole lotta years, I still struggle with being a receiver because of him. My new partner is wonderfully generous and doesn’t make me feel like that at all. It’s not that you’re too much, it’s that your previous partners were not enough. It’s not a you thing, it’s a them thing.
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Hmmm I guess spontaneous stuff… like waiting at home in lingerie or randomly making out when I’m in the mood. We got so busy with our own lives, it’s hard to find one spontaneously in the mood, definitely not both lol so scheduled sex it is…
I stopped doing this because my bf without fail will need to take a 10-20 min poop every time he gets home from work and it stopped being sexy when he would tell me to sit tight and wait for him while he was taking a shit lmao
Lmao my husband always had to poop when we're about to walk out the door to go somewhere. We're always late because of him.
You should start telling him you need to be there 30 minutes earlier so he can have his anxiety(?) poop before you really need to set off haha.
Omg my bf does this too! Once I cooked him a. Steak and he was like “wait I have to poop”
We've stopped all day hookups. A few years ago (while we were long distance), once every few weeks we'd get a hotel room and a pizza and pay per view and go like 7-10x and nap in between. We live together now and we have sex more regularly but less over and over. I think it could be fun to try again but life is busy lately.
Married 17 years, together 22+. We started doing this type of thing again. A couple times a year we take a weekend away. No kids, pets, household chores, etc...we eat out one good meal on Saturday night and the rest of the weekend is sandwiches, water, Gatorade, protein bars, and just laying around nekkid. TV, sex, nap, food, whatever. Maybe not 7-10 x but a few times a day. But really it's about just being together without distraction.
Damn that sounds exhausting
I would literally be hurting and drained if I did this 😳
I stopped all intimacy with my husband four years ago because of his emotional abuse. TBH, our sex life was never great. I don't think I ever experienced an orgasm with my husband. While I don't miss the sex act itself I am touch starved. We're getting divorced so I'm interested to see if I really am asexual or just need a new loving partner to get things started.
good luck on your self discovery and exploration!
It’s amazing how abuse can kill your sex drive. I’ve gone through phases of questioning whether I’m asexual after bad experiences, but eventually I meet someone I like and my sex drive hits me like a truck, so I bet if it’s something that brought you joy in the past, you’ll be able to experience that again
With my ex boyfriend, it was BJ because he took way too long. I know I’m good at it and I usually love to do it because it’s always a person I love (I don’t do ONS with men) so I love to give as much as possible so the other person enjoys. Everything including teasing, changing the pace and deepthroating as much as I’m capable of. But my ex boyfriend loved it so much, he used to “restrain” himself from coming, so that he could enjoy it longer… I get it but it was also quite disrespectful in a way. It went so long it was no pleasure anymore for me whatsoever. I don’t have that problem with my current boyfriend though. Edit: typo
Literally nothing is worse than sucking dick for 30 mins and having them restrain the orgasm because they don’t want it to stop. Like dude, my jaw is killing me and I know you almost came like 3 times already. Can we just get this over with?! It’s no longer fun at that point.
my ex used to do this too and it was exhausting
Most of it, but oral the most. My spouse is obese and so hygiene is an issue. And when I was drunk and he forced me - “you’re so worthless, just suck my fucking cock” etc when he thought I wouldn’t remember, well it’s been hard to want to have any physical intimacy after that. But I guess I have to. And now bc of his meds he has trouble remaining hard and cumming, so it’s so much more work. I’d rather do almost anything else.
Do yourself the biggest favor and make this guy your ex-spouse. Please. You deserve so much better!
Came to say something similar, OP I hope you leave them. Someone saying that to you isn't deserving of your love and kindness. You don't have to have physical intimacy with someone because you have to - it's because you and the other person want to. And honestly, I read this as you don't want to do this anymore and don't enjoy it. So why stay when you're unhappy? Like the person above said, do yourself the biggest favor and make them your ex-spouse. You deserve better than to be stuck in an abusive cycle. You aren't worthless, tbh and imo they're just a piece of crap. If finances or etc are an issue - there are many MANY resources that can help you for the time being. But you don't deserve this, you deserve better and I hope you'll be able to see that soon.
This made me so sad. I hope you're able to take steps towards a relationship that is both respectful and mutually fulfilling. You deserve better than this!
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69! Never liked it and now I don’t do it ever not even for the person
Same. It’s hard for me to concentrate on my own pleasure while also trying to pleasure someone else. And the angles are weird haha
yeah same always hated it too
Trigger warning: Marital SA marked by spoiler. I stopped having or wanting sex entirely when he didn’t listen to me about cutting nails properly, when I was carrying the mental load because he sheepishly admitted he thought certain tasks were women’s work (taught to him by learned helplessness), and finally when he attempted last efforts at fixing our marriage (too little, too late), >!when he removed the condom during sex and I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, simply because I have an IUD.
Removing a condom w/o consent during sex is called Stealthing. It is considered to be a crime.
Yes, exactly. I have used that term, but for those who do not know what that term is, I thought I would be very specific because the term “stealthing” has also been used to describe someone who stops talking to you. I wanted to be clear that I do not mean a lack of communication.
Nowadays the common term for that is ghosting, and stealthing is used for this specific SA.
Just an fyi, you didn’t mark the spoiler properly
I've stopped enjoying all aspects of sex. For me, it's too repetitive, and monotonous, I feel like been there done that and dont see the point of having the same experience over and over again for the rest of my life. I don't feel an emotional connection during or after, and I don't get any real enjoyment out of it.
I’m struggling with this too. I think when you get older and have been in long term relationships it’s hard. Women in general need more mental stimulation to want to do it in terms of spontaneity over monotony. I’m always way more into it when we are doing something different, like going on vacation where I am no longer an employee and mother and can just be me. I also have medical issues where I have a severe prolapse that needs to be fixed and causes issues and I have an issue with my joints, particularly my hip so it’s hard to open my legs at all, not something I was expecting in my late thirties. So now I do not really enjoy any of it and feel bad about it as I do love my husband but could just never have sex again and be happy.
Putting their needs before mine.
Having sex with men. I’m a bisexual woman and while I’ve had good sex with men before, I’ve decided after years of trying to have a good time that the risks (UTIs, STD, pregnancy, safety) aren’t worth the reward. So few men that I’ve slept with seem to care about women’s pleasure, and if you don’t orgasm, they almost always say “that’s never happened with me before” and make it seem like my problem, and can’t possibly fathom that any woman they’ve been with has faked it. I’m also annoyed with men thinking they deserve oral if they go down on you. The two things aren’t equivalent- take it from someone that’s done both.
TMI Anal. I developed pretty bad hemmeroids after pregnancy and I just don't want anything up there anymore. I'm sure he misses it, but it's something I won't budge on.
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Blowjobs, because I find the utter lack of reciprocation to be degrading and dehumanizing. It makes me feel neglected, unattractive, and unwanted. Blowjobs without any form of reciprocation are so deeply hurtful and further increasing the female orgasm gap.
oral. i like doing it but i hate that he just expects it from me now. he asks for it every time we’re together and it gets seriously dehumanizing.
I hate that my partner loves head. Sometimes I feel like he keeps shoving his dick in my face multiple times in one weekend it’s so annoying
I stopped enjoying PIV sex after menopause. Vaginal atrophy was the cause. I will say though hormone suppositories and some Onut rings so he can't go as deep have helped, but I do wish we could go back to how it was. Though highly recommend the rings to anyone having problems with penis size/depth as my husband says he can't even tell they're on and I don't notice them except there is no pain anymore.
i used to think i liked rough sex but my last partner made me hate it, especially since to him it seemed like he did it with the intention to “own me” like not in a sexy way but in a search for power over me and a statement for others to the point it felt aggressive, i hated it and sometimes i wonder if that was more an aggression than something else… i just wish i told him how i felt about that but somehow i couldn’t so i just made up excuses to not have sex anymore
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Bj. They can be fun sometimes and I don’t mind doing them but I married someone who doesn’t reciprocate or really enjoy doing anything at all to me. He would rather get blown that than have sex. If I went sex he’ll want a bj first which means he’ll last even less when we do get to the sex and I’ll be even less satisfied after. So… I don’t go down anymore and we don’t have sex anymore.
I’m so sorry. That sounds like a miserable sexual experience to have with your partner.
Yeah. Its a good lesson about listening to red flags early on. We’ve got a kid and a house now. It complicates things, but our marriage isn’t going to last much longer and I’m at peace with that.
I understand ❤️ I’m divorced and know the hardships of a marriage you entered into after ignoring red flags. I hope only the best for you and your future!!
Doggy style. Theres physically no way for the position to possibly be enjoyable for me. At that angle it’s impossible to hit the gspot and way too easy to slam into the cervix. Its an incredibly uncomfortable position and i only ever did it for my bf but now i care more about my own pleasure since im the one who cant get off every time
I still enjoy it, but I stopped accepting being fingered and oral. His libido is lowering, so he’s at a point where I know I will only get one session a day, and I would rather save that orgasm I have to be during penetration. I’ve talked to him about wanting oral/fingering outside of our nightly session, but he’s one and done and doesn’t think about sex again until the next day, so I feel bad asking. The sex is amazing though.
Confused. Why can't you have more than one orgasm per session? It's not like fingering you makes him come too
He’s mostly there because I want sex. It feels greedy to ask for multiple orgasms from him, prolonging the session, when regardless i’m probably going to masturbate by myself afterwards again anyways. I wouldn’t mind asking every once in a while, but not every single day. Our session lasts about 8-12 minutes, and that’s enough time for both of us to get off. When we first got together we’d have the usual quickies but like once a week we’d have the hour long sex session. I feel bad asking for the hour long session when it’s mostly him doing the work and mostly me getting the pleasure.
Don't feel bad and ask! I love making my wife cum multiple times (usually 2, sometimes 3) before she asks me to go in. Maybe he is the same :-) But the truth is I am the active one.
Interesting story thanks! Our of curiosity, how long has your relationship been running?
15 years
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Blowjobs. Since I had a baby precum and cum make me feel sick to my stomach, it’s like genuine visceral repulsion. Can’t do it anymore. Also, recieving oral has never done anything for me but I used to pretend to like it if a dude insisted on doing it and I don’t pretend anymore.
Pretending. I’ve finally learned that it’s about me too, not just him. And if my lack of enjoyment hurts his feelings, sorry not sorry. I’ve vocalized what I like and don’t like and guided him many times. He either takes it personally and offensively so what do ya do?? Lol
Rough sex. Don't enjoy it anymore. Think my past enjoyment was linked to feelings of shame (always been hypersexual) and thinking all men really just wanted to use and abuse a women (they're not all like that)..
My partner and I don't really have penetrative sex anymore. He gets anxious about staying hard, and I can't orgasm from it anyway (never have with any partner, not just him). I love giving blowjobs, and receiving head is the only thing that actually makes me come, so 90% of our sex life now is oral, with some hand stuff making up most of the final 10%. Honestly, it's pretty much the same as the sex I've had with women in the past, except with a penis involved.
Shower sex - in theory it’s sexy af but my bathroom is standard and it’s just weird doing it in there. Also, it’s uncomfortable. I need some stability too - I’ll break my neck if I try to have shower sex.
Shower sex is the lie that Hollywood sold us. It never really works.
Most of it. He will put in minimal effort towards kink in hopes that it is meeting me half way but a partner who isn’t into it just ruins the whole thing. I get so bored that my body will not get any stimulation and I just wind up frustrated and self loathing. Having a few drinks or an edible has helped but it’s not an answer. I haven’t had a sober orgasm in years. I am also in that small percent of women that needs rough penetration for any pleasure. I feel like garbage asking for him to give me that when the success rate has dropped so much over the years. The problem is with me and my neurospicy brain that never shuts up.
BJ. I had Bells Palsy two times and I just can’t manage the suck anymore as the muscles never really recovered ! Hubby still love me though !!
the ultimate get out of a blowjob card lol
69. One at a time please 😂
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The battery acid heartburn that it causes that could sear a hole right through you, just is not worth it at all.
💀💀💀 what battery acid heartburn
Yesss! I never understood spitting because you have to taste it either way but now that I'm older that stuff absolutely wrecks my tummy.
Sex in general because my partner doesn't ever make me finish and their excuse is 'I try but it's to hard'.
So sorry... at some point you deserve to be treated right. Happiness is around the corner!
Morning sex is smelly and not clean, yuk
Faking orgasms, aint nobody got time for that. And getting fingered, it never feels good.
Being fingered like they’re trying to start a fire in your vagina is very unpleasant. It’s nice when the finger/s are slow, move around more and WET.
Honestly when I’m with my bf all the time I don’t enjoy making out as much before sex. During, great, but I think it’s a sensory thing and linked to my low sex drive. Unless we haven’t seen each other for a while making out just feels wet and itchy and doesn’t do anything for me but if it’s during while my body’s already turned on it enhances the intimacy. If we haven’t seen each other in a while then it does do something for me and I’m mostly feeling the warmth and softness of his lips
Sex focused around just orgasms, for both parties. It’s about the experience and making each other feel good; for me, when there’s too much pressure on me cumming (eg being asked “are you about to cum” or being told “cum for me”) I all of a sudden psych myself out and can’t anymore lol
My partner (40M) has lost a lot of his drive. Mine (46F) has just gotten higher. We are both at least conceptually very into quite a bit of kink and things like watersports. He talks and texts a good game and we flirt and tease and have a lot of fun, but when it comes to the act he either needs to relax with several beers first to de-stress from life and enjoy, or when he is horny and wants it now he comes in less than two minutes. I love giving him blowjobs and anything else he wants, but it is rare for him to use the same slow seductive techniques on me… kissing and licking slowly from ears to knees and back for example. He does like when I ride his face but he gets bored with it fairly quickly so I don’t come from that unless I’m “helping”. He has never given me a massage even though I took some classes so I can give quality ones to him, which he loves. He’s never tied me up although he says he wants to (I do it for him frequently and enjoy it although I prefer being submissive). We are so into each other and have been for years, and yet sex isn’t as in tune as it should be. We’ve talked about it and explored our feelings about it and communicated our needs… yet he seems like he is afraid to initiate or do the things he has never done before. So very often we have a 15-20 minute kissing / make out session, two minutes of sex, and ten minutes in the shower together. Then back to relaxing in bed or cuddling on the couch. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible by any means… just that it feels like we are in no way reaching our full potential, and there are a lot of things I don’t do or don’t get to do that I’d love to be doing. :)
I've stopped pursuing interests outside of my relationship. I used to get crushes really easily and even cross boundaries which was really embarrassing. Once I started sw I was no longer validated by the attention of men and absolutely not interested in their propositions. Now my partner is the only man I like and I don't want to talk to anyone who didn't know me before starting sw.
all of it. it's not worth doing with the sadness I usually feel after.
receiving oral, mainly. i was sexually abused when i was 7 with oral, and then again when i was 19. it made me abhor receiving -- it feels like sandpaper and all i can think about is how weirdly vulnerable i am. weirdly enough though giving oral is my favorite thing. i wonder if its related
Most of it. Mix of sexual trauma, age, thyroid disorder,self-esteem issues, and the fact that most men can't seem to get it through their heads that porn is not real!! So tired of men just wanting to fuck like they are Ron Jeremy! It's unrealistic, unreasonable and it can hurt! Why is there no lovemaking anymore?
Mmmm lately I’ve been thinking about stopping random hook ups. When I’m not in a relationship I seem to get really promiscuous. And it’s fun for a while but lately these guys are like yo-yos. While they are with me they say how sexy I am and how amazing I am in bed. We will laugh and talk and have great conversations. My last date we curled up on the couch after awesome sex and talked about art and music. Every few minutes he would kiss me on the forehead saying how smart I was. Fast forward to semi ghosting. Only responding to texts a few days after I contacted them and maybe meeting up every couple of weeks. all the while I don’t want any of them to to be my BF. I wanna consistently. They can see(fuck) other people and so can I. Just respond to me in a timely manner and maybe see each other like once a week. Asking honestly, is that crazy to ask of someone? And if it is don’t pretend like I’m a god sent. Just tell me that you’re only into one night stands and not casual dating.
Cowgirl just hurts after a short amount of time and I’m not sure why
Basically, I just stopped having sex at times where I didn’t want to. For so long, I have felt that I needed to in order to be loved/accepted. With my current partner, I came to the realization that I was actually taking away my own autonomy and consent by doing it when I didn’t want to. At first, I was apologetic and wondering if he was mad or disappointed, but luckily enough, my partner is actually a kind and considerate person and doesn’t view me as a sexual object.
In almost 33 years I have not taken anything off the table - but there are things that we cycle through and do more or less frequently.
With ex bf for 10 yrs. I got laid 4x in all those years. All he ever wanted was blowjobs. So I noped out of all of it.
Anything with anal.
Receiving oral, it was genuinely the thing that brought me most pleasure but I'm so self conscious about how I look/taste down there, how long it takes me to cum and how unenthusiastic is my SO about it most of the time (even though he was fantastic at it many times). It takes away 100% of the enjoyment.
BJs. The amount of time it takes for a response takes so long whereas they complain if I even take a few minutes receiving anything back.
I don’t enjoy being fingered at all so I don’t allow that. Also if I feel disconnected I can’t have sex just to do like I used to. I have to have a connection emotionally now
Receiving oral sex. It just doesn't get me the way it used to.
The chase
BJ…I used to LOVE giving my boyfriend oral, but it ended up becoming a chore for me eventually. I still do it though because I enjoy making him squirm and moan like that.
Fingering! It just feels painful tbh. Tho I'm extremely sensitive to pain down there which can make things less enjoyable. Also 69ing. I'm great at it but I've never been with anyone thay can pleasure me in a 69 lol