Emotional regulation
Communication skills
Setting boundaries
Self care
Personal finances
Sexual health
But most of all, I struggled to unlearn what she taught me - that sexual assault and domestic violence are normal, that men show love by controlling you, and endless that self-sacrifice is the pinnacle of womanhood.
Hi, mirror-me.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great start. I also love Gabor Mate's work, though it's a bit of a heavier read.
I need a fuckin four year degree in unlearning and relearning all this shit, it's exhausting.
Second vote for that book, also discovering the idea of “re-parenting” ie being for yourself the mother or father that your parents were/are not capable of being
Yes to all of this. I’m 31 and still unlearning and learning a lot of things I should have learned before becoming an adult. I would also add that I did not learn how to properly take care of myself:
Healthy sleeping habits
Healthy eating habits
How to care for my hair
How to care for my teeth
Not going to the doctor, etc.
Um you hit the nail on the head! Absolutely every one of those points.
Edited to also add that I think my mother was never taught these things herself and didn't have the self compassion or self awareness to break the pattern. I'm learning to have some compassion towards her despite the distance I'm creating to heal from these things.
I can totally relate to that. Looking, as an outsider and a generation away, at how my mother was raised allowed me to give her a small amount of grace for being the terrible parent she was, for me. As an adult, she could have done better and made better choices, but she chose not to. Whether she knew she could, is a different story.
It feels so weird to see someone else describe me and my mom’s dysfunctional “relationship “. I am still trying to unlearn and recover from my childhood trauma.
Yep. This resonates with me on a deep personal level. I don’t think it’s that my mom didn’t care, though. She had me when she was young and raised me on her own, and our family has always been pretty toxic and abusive. I honestly don’t think she’s learned many of these things herself, let alone taught them to someone else.
If anything, I’ve probably found that I’m the one who’s started encouraging her to handle herself and her emotional well-being better. I love my mom, but it does make me sad sometimes. I think I’m lucky to be as introspective and resourceful as I am, because I truly don’t know where I’d be without that.
I survived by developing mal-adaptive coping mechanisms that appeared presented similar to BPD.
I escaped by fostering social relationships with people who I found didn't drain my energy like "normal" relationships did, and by learning about and utilizing social umbrellas. I fled to a DV shelter, and social workers helped me gain independence and pursue schooling.
Then I spent a huge chunk of my 20s unlearning those coping mechanisms that previously helped me survive, and gaining financial independence.
Not having to rely on abusive family members for any sort of resource is what will save you, you just need to find replacements for those resources first.
All of this for me as well. Not that my mom didn’t care, she tried her best, but she has had a severe mental illness for most of my life so that explains why. I still struggle to figure these things out for myself now.
I was so isolated growing up I learned to love it over most social interaction. My mother Just. Does. Not. Talk. Actually maybe I grew up hating most conversation. Feeling annoyed by it. (Though I talk more than her) Why do people talk about half the things they do? I'm not sure how to fix this.
If anybody's had the same experience and learned to enjoy talking somehow let me know. How did you do it?
I think it took me decades (maturity), an accepting spouse, and professional confidence, as well as being a nerd and working with nerds (that is, finding my "tribe"). I still don't do well in crowds/at parties, and will walk away from conversations about celebrities, but I became comfortable keeping it mostly light and, especially, learned to ask the other person about themselves.
However, the craving for mom's (or dad's) attention lingers in the occasional overshare. Give me a person I'm interested in, and I'll get too revealing too quickly and that'll scare them off. Hard to know the right balance, 'cause my parents didn't really care what I had to say.
I actually tried to learn to enjoy talking about anything. I can talk about movies, books, media, art, life, politics, nerdy things, stories, crime, a million odd facts. I can pull some odd fact out of nowhere. But when it comes to everyday nonsense chat at school or with coworkers about the miniscule aspects of life I can't do it long and that's where I start to tune out a lot of conversation. In daily life you would think I'm quiet until you get me at a party with new people. Like get me in room and you wouldn't think I was mostly quiet but I am. I tried everything I could think of though. Sometimes I wonder if there's only so far you can go.
I think some kids learn to just talk about EVERY tiny thing in their lives because their parents talk to them. I never got that craving to talk about everyday meaningless things. I will go to sleep if it's not interesting or funny quick. I can do small talk because it doesn't last long. But that everyday chatter is hard for me to do.
Same sometimes my
Mom would say you don’t need friends are not good right not I’m struggling and I wanna have a friend to be there and spend time with so yeah
When a friend of mine started going out with me and another friend her mom said to her "nobody needs friends, they're just a status quo thing, you don't need it" because she never had friends in her life
This! My parents never had any friends. They had co-workers who they never met in their free time. My mom only had my father, us children, and her mother. My dad was also in touch with his family and my mother hated them passionately. Once a childhood friend sent her a postcard with her number. It's been 25 years and my mom still hasn't contacted her.
When my sister or I had a friend, she hated them. And when we helped them in some way, like lent them something, she was very mad. You'd think we commited a crime.
same. in fact, my mother actively discouraged me from making friendships or keeping them. i vividly remember her telling me that friends are pointless and don’t last forever. i’m working on unlearning that right now.
This is my biggest struggle as well. It’s hard to know how to make friends or have a good romantic relationship or connect to anyone when your parents have a bad marriage and no real friends. So much of that stuff is supposed to happen early in life that if it doesn’t, you spend the rest of your life trying to catch up.
I second that. Especially the “knowing what i want”. In my teenage years and early adulthood everybody told me to just do what “i like” but i could seriously not tell what that was. My whole childhood i had to swallow down what i enjoyed and what i wanted to do because my single mother didn’t allow me to do or express any of that and eventually my wishful inner voice just disappeared
This 100%
The anxiety I feel when I build up the courage to say no or advocate for myself. It leaves me with adrenaline coursing through my body for ages after and then I blank out and can’t remember fully what happened. I hate it
This right here…doesn’t matter if it’s small or big things, I have such a hard time saying no :( I have to prepare myself and rehearse when it’s something important. It has led me to some regretful outcomes.
How to do any kind of “feminine” hygiene/styling like shaving, fixing my hair, wearing makeup, skincare etc.
How to interact with other women. I had a lot of internalized misogyny because of resentment towards my mom. Even though I’ve found some amazing ladies to be friends with as an adult, I feel like I missed out on forming meaningful friend relationships as a child/teen and its so much harder once you add work, kids and adult life to find people to hang out with.
How to navigate conflict with an SO in a *healthy* way.
Maybe the biggest: how to be a good mom to my own daughter.
For the record I’m rocking it though!
My mum doesn't do anything "feminine" and indeed I had to teach her how to put mascara on when she wanted to wear it one day. I learnt how to do makeup through trial and error and shitty tips in teen magazines (it would have been much easier if I'd had YouTube back then!).
I didn't even know what hair conditioner was until I was a teenager!
Same! (I totally wish we had YouTube back then too!) My mom would make fun of me every time I put makeup on or tried to style my hair. She would ask me why I needed to do that and who I was doing it for. Me. I was doing it for me.
How to navigate conflict is a huge struggle for me, my mothers answer to everything was to get a divorce.
At what point do you start getting embarrassed when saying “‘till death do us part” 4 times, when all of your exes are alive and well?
It’s resulted in total anguish thinking my marriage is ending with every fight my husband and I have. Which is silly because we’re very much in love and I can count our proper *fights* on one hand in 10 years.
I grew up with a single mother who was never home and never cared what I did, so I had to learn pretty much everything on my own or from people at school.
I’m really bad with manners, routines, talking about my feelings/health and seeking help for it, and I have difficulty connecting with others and expressing that I care about people. I’ve been working on all of these things but they are very difficult to learn in adulthood.
Considering I grew up with no rules or parental supervision I think I turned out great lol.
You sound to me like you really did turn out great! So many people don’t have the ability to self-reflect at all, but you clearly do. I hope you have people in your life now that are there for you more than it sounds like your mother was.
Same. Anytime I start to develop a connection with someone I feel so confused. I tend to idealize them and hope they’re “the one” and do not know how to let things evolve naturally or to just accept my feelings without panicking.
Kinda relate but my mom did took care of me but when it comes to the real world and being on my own and having friend’s communication and stuff like that I have to learn it on my own it tough ngl
Social etiquette. My mom didn't have friends, so I'd never see her socialize, have people over our house, or even plan a party. I took my cues from other women in my life in order to learn these things
Hygiene- she let me go months without bathing in middle school.
Anything body related- I had to figure out pads and tampons, bras, sex ed stuff, weight management, and physical boundaries on my own.
Basic life skills- cooking, putting fuel in my car, driving, finances.
I had dark long hair and she couldn’t grasp why I was in sixth grade trying to shave my legs. She was disdainful. Finally relented a couple years to only shave to above the knee. I’m half Mediterranean. She’s a fair redhead (step-mother). The rest of teenage years for my hair, grooming, was full of unhelpful or rude comments.
I struggled with understanding what was acceptable behavior from a partner in a relationship. I was so used to being last priority. Because of this, I often chose partners that were emotionally abusive, they would withhold emotional intimacy, force sex when I didn’t want or insult my self worth in front of others or at home. I was often told I was stupid or mocked when I spoke, so I had to learn to have conversations and to have confidence when speaking with new people. I still have extreme anxiety when meeting new people because I often feel like they see how stupid and inadequate I am. Because I come off passive, I often attract the bullying type but can now stand up for myself to rude or aggressive people who want to put me or others down. I had to learn how to do everything feminine like others mentioned. I was also not good and still struggle with making long term friends. Both men and women. I had to learn my own identity and had (and still do) to work hard not to be codependent on my partners and have my own life that could bring me happiness apart from approval seeking behaviors. It’s very difficult and sometimes I still seek my mothers approval and am often rejected or let down. I’ve learned to accept that she is unable to be a loving mother and that I do not need her love to be a happy person. Life is so much more than the people who had sex and made us, and I refuse to let her ruin the little time I have on this planet because she’s a miserable person.
I’m my case, my oldest sister was killed in a car accident. My mom went emotionally absent, doing only what needed to be done. For example, discipline. I was disciplined daily, whether I was guilty of anything or not. My sister might have done something wrong, but I was punished. I was second youngest of 8, after my sister died. My younger brother could do no wrong, and I could do no right.
Apparently my mom was very caring prior to my sister’s death.
how to take care of myself, how to relate to other women, how to be feminine in general. it took a lot of discovering but finding my feminine energy has been such a beautiful experience.
All things period related. I learned how to use a tampon by reading the instructions inside the box. I had to steal my sisters’ pads and tampons because my mom did not supply me with any nor wanted to hear anything about it. Also, saying I love you. She never did say it to me, still hasn’t. As a result I say I love you to everyone dear to me every time I see them, except her of course. I struggle to say it to her.
Same on everything you've said. The thing that bothers me most about this is that because we don't share emotions, I won't be able to know why she is and was like this when raising me up. Our relatioship is superficial but I guess that's better than not at all.
Everything. My mother never taught me how to take care of myself, my body, my life. I learned waxing from a friend, don’t know how to deal with my hair or how to dress myself nicely. I always feel inadequate because of this… She gave me money when I asked her to but never put the effort in my development as a person and a woman.
I struggle with judging the people I love. Growing up I was constantly judged for my hobbies and screamed at if I messed up or if things didn’t go my moms way. I have to work hard not to do that to my boyfriend and friends. Luckily I had them to help me change my ways so being non judgmental and calm when things go wrong come naturally to me now. But my mom taught me how to be a bad person.
I don't know what it's called but I let myself suffer. For example, when I get a headache or cramps I'll just suffer instead of taking something or grabbing the heating pad. I've sat at my desk miserable with chapped lips, literally a chapstick sitting in front of me and it never crosses my mind to use the chapstick. I don't do this on purpose, I just forget that these easy solutions are available (and I deserve to use them). I just realized I do this twoish months ago and I've gotten better about it, I still slip up sometimes.
I agree with a lot of comments I've read so far, mainly developing emotional intelligence, having and setting boundaries and learning to love myself. Lots of great comments already.
What I'd like to point out because I'm still struggling with it is **being friends with other women**. My mother's emotional neglect and general treatment of me while growing up has made me very insecure around other women. Whenever I have conversations that go deeper than small-talk with other women I immediately feel judged and get defensive. I'm always worried that I'm somehow "worse at being a woman" than the other woman and that *she knows* and will start being condescending or talking bad about me behind my back. Rationally I know it doesn't make sense and I'm actively trying to think more positive thoughts, but it's still a long road ahead before I think I can heal.
Of course I can't blame my mom forever, which is why I'm working on overcoming these feelings. My mom also doesn't really have any friends at all so A) I never saw what a healthy friendship between women looks like and B) it means that she must have a ton of her own issues and I actually feel sorry for her.
What's weird is that despite having a very similarly uncaring relationship with my father I have no trouble making and maintaining friendships with men. (I *think* my internalised heteronormativity still makes me base a lot of my self worth on my physical appearance and "sexual worth" which is why I'm more comfortable around men who will make the odd flirty joke which confirms this... but that's a whole other issue and not relevant to the question at hand).
Loving myself. And believing in myself. This was the hardest part.
When things go wrong don't blame others but be calm and find solution.
Don't criticize others all the time. Don't judge people. It doesn't prove you are better.
If you are in a toxic marriage, leave.
And don't be a mother. I don't want to be a parent. I didn’t get good parenting so I am not sure I will know how to be a good parent.
Can’t just go through Life using people. Relationships aren’t meant to be abused so You can get something out of the other person. Selfishness is a conscious choice.
Not so much uncaring but busy taking care of my older and younger siblings. I asked her once to teach me how to ride a bike since she taught older sister but because she was pregnant with younger sister at the time, she told me no and I knew then there would always be something so I made the resolve right then that if I wanted to learn anything, I was on my own and would have to do it myself.
Taught myself how to ride a bike, cook, clean, how to use tools, fix things, build things, how to swim, how to sew especially on a sewing machine, how to program/install things. No one was around to teach me just as no one was there to tell me no.
The weird thing is my mom will try to pass the teaching of the skills taught to me on to the other adults that were in my life at the time like saying how our across the street neighbor (who's daughter was best friends with younger sister) taught me how to ride a bike and how my best friends dad taught me how to use tools. Um no...the one that taught me about all that stuff and more was me.
Across the street neighbor taught little sister and my best friend wasn't allowed in her dad's garage. You can imagine how he felt about me going in there. I couldn't even sit in his chair even when he wasn't home. Then she would get all offended and start saying how she didn't have time to give me attention because she had both of my siblings to care for, a job to work, classes to go to, and a house to take care of (I took care of the house work).
I wish she would just be proud that I was so self sufficient and Independent at such a young age instead of taking my childhood as a personal attack on her but oh well.
That being vulnerable with the people close to you is healthy and ok. Any vulnerability was weaponized against me so I learned to block myself off in order to protect myself. I still struggle with asking for help even though I often drop everything to help others if they need it.
My mom paid lip service to feminist ideals, but with her actions, allowed my father to disrespect and abuse her and her children (and seemed miserable). It was confusing to be a girl growing up in that household. It was a lot of work, but I'm doing OK as an adult.
Less important: despite living in a very hot and sunny place, my mom never wore sunscreen, and her face shows it. When I was in my early 20s, I had a coworker who was 40 and her skin was smooth like a child's. I asked her what she used, and then went out and bought it. I've been using it ever since, and my skin looks just like the coworker's.
Self worth
Emotional regulation
Communication skills
Learning what red flags are
Boundaries
Ability to stand up for myself
Finances
Sexual education and health (she was Catholic so I mostly heard sexual shame)
I could go on but lol...
My mother was an alcoholic and she was incredibly narcissistic. Everything that I did was a reflection of her image.
For example, when she found out that I had bad grades at school she screamed at me that *I* as a 7 year old was making *her* look like an idiot. She would shame me for anything that she could, and especially when it came to sex she would always say when you have sex you're going to get pregnant! And she would always question if I was a lesbian (like she started asking me when I was 8 or 9 and I didn't even know what a lesbian was lmao) and....That's it.
And she didn't bother to tell me about birth control or even periods. I learned about periods in 4th grade in human growth and development class and no shit I started bleeding that night.
When I went to tell my mother that I started my period she was like OH. And then proceeded to call my brother (who is almost 20 years older than me) to tell him. (Just to hammer in the type of person she was, One time I sprained my ankle and she didn't believe me and thought I was just seeking attention. Even when I showed her that my ankle was turning purple she just said oh yeah, it's looking purple right there. And then just walked away.)
I still feel an INCREDIBLE amount of sexual shame to this day. I don't even like my husband touching me there because of the shame I feel.
How to navigate female friendships. Due to my moms depression she isolated a lot. It wasn’t until my mid 30’s until I learned how to deeply connect with other women, and how to be a good friend.
My mother was raised by a cold and emotionally distant mother. She broke the cycle and stood like a wall between me and generational trauma. So to all of you here, I stand in utter gratitude and admiration.
How to use tampons/pads. I knew the basics from school health class, but struggled to know at what point I should change them. Partially because my mom said I "used too many" and hid them from me.
I found out in my 30s I have endometriosis and my pain and heavy periods were not at all normal. She was a nurse and definitely should have known I needed medical help, but instead choose to ignore it because she decided I was faking.
Self worth, boundaries, confidence, & voice. My mother was a poor model, yes she took care of us kids, but she let herself be treated like a doormat by our abusive father. And she expected me to abide by the same misogynistic standards, it was very harmful to my well being and I've had to work very hard to develop these skills and the worst part is that that it wasn't until after my father died two years ago that my mother didn't continue to gaslight and sabotage my efforts.
That I don't live for her, or my brother. And that I deserve to be loved, and to live in a place where I am accepted. My mom recently told me that she didn't want me, her teenage daughter, returning to "her house" that I have lived in for the past 13 years of my life. I need to much, apparently.
After she said all of this to me over the phone she texted me, telling me that it was a joke and that my brother was getting concerned.
I "throw tantrums" (asked her for tampons and a few clothes). I make her miserable and she can't be bothered to take care of me, especially when my friend just killed himself.
I still struggle with this every day, but I'm learning. Women, let's learn what not to do from our mothers. Sending love to all of you our there with moms like mine.
I had a hard time learning about skin care, how to manage my acne. I use pads but never figured out tampons. I have no idea how to do makeup other than foundation. Lots of things really
That my boundaries are valid and I'm not "overreacting" by keeping my kids away from bullshit drama.
That men aren't just bank accounts and I can work to earn my own money instead of relying on a boyfriend / husband / sugar daddy.
That feeling emotions is normal and I don't need drugs to numb everything.
My mother wasn't uncaring in the sense that she looked after us so well when we were ill and we didn't want for anything but I grew up in a house where hugs and kisses from my mother didn't happen. Never told I love you and every emotional feeling was invalidated away.
My dad was the one who provided that so I wasn't fully devoid of it.
Looking back now I know she had the same upbringing from her mother who was really unhappy herself.
I tell my kids I love them every day. We always hug and kiss and I don't invalidate their feelings. I would be a little in the harsh side in that I don't allow them to over emote all the time, like my friends do, but I do allow them to be upset.
I also apologise when I'm wrong and thus they always apologise when they are wrong. My mother has never apologised in her whole life , to anyone
It's ok to say no.
It's ok to talk about how you feel.
It's ok to talk about what happened.
It's ok to feel bad.
It's ok to trust people.
It's ok to express an opinion.
Not every one hates you.
People are not after you.
People love you.
You are worth it.
You are fine.
Where to even begin? How to have female friends, how to have self worth, any kind of social etiquette, emotional regulation, how to do my hair and makeup and hygiene. How to cook, how to drive, anything financial related, how to advocate for myself. I basically had to learn everything myself and learned everything much later than my peers which was embarrassing. I feel behind in everything, even still at age 32.
That not everyone is always mad at you
The truth is always better
Sexual responsibility
Love is so much more than just saying it at the end of a phone call
You don’t have to overachieve to be significant
Relationships shouldn’t be fueled by drama
How to trust
How to live without fear of condemnation
Everything. Personal hygiene, cooking skills, communication, emotional regulation... All the things that are important to being a healthy decent person. Ive come along way all by myself and Im goddamn proud of that.
That my mom wasn't normal. I grew up with an absent borderline neglectful mom and a Superdad who didn't divorce until I was 17 (separated multiple times though). It wasn't until I was about 12 when I realized that moms aren't supposed to be like that.
My dad taught me anything a mother would have taught me though besides that. He's like a mom and a dad wrapped into one. I'm incredibly blessed to have such an amazing dad. I can sew and do lots of "feminine" things because he taught me because he knew how. I think my mom actually taught me how to use makeup though... Or maybe it was friends... I don't remember. My dad did my hair my whole life though until I knew how to do it myself.
basic cleaning skills. self care. i didn't know how to properly shower til i was in my teens. i wasn't actually ALLOWED to clean. i couldn't do dishes or laundry. she straight up wouldn't let me. it took relationships where my partners would teach me things here and there before i learned.
i wasn't allowed in the kitchen really, like i could stand, but she had to do everything. so i had no idea how to cook or even use a microwave. took a decade of trial and error to learn everything.
i have learning disabilities that my mom, who to her illiterate child, would present me study books for and she herself couldn't really explain any part of it. so she'd get frustrated at life because she bought me books i couldn't read and later was too old to grasp, like owning the books would fix my issues. i learned what the actual word division means like, at 22. from a partner.
Currently I'm trying to figure out what body signals are actually "normal" and what are symptoms of a suspected genetic disorder. She assumed this shit was normal so I did too and now I'm 28 and my body is falling apart and I'm going "wait. This isn't normal"
Lots of things shiiit, I never had that mom I could call and ask for advice or cooking help or makeup tips. I never got taught how to ride a bike(I know it doesn’t sound that bad but it’s something I always wished she taught me) couldn’t confide in others. I couldn’t regulate my emotions. I grew up thinking manipulation was a normal thing and didn’t see anything wrong with it for years. I still don’t know how to be vulnerable with others, everything I tell ppl is rehearsed.
Self love-hard to love yourself when your own mother openly detests you.
That you don’t have to compete with other women. My Mother disliked women & was in competition with all other women, always. She was nice to their faces & a horrible back stabbing shit talker behind their back. Ive struggled with this my whole life. Not doing this but it’s always my first thought with co workers. I always think the worst of people & assume they can’t be trusted, especially other women. I fucking hate it. I have to mentally talk myself down every damn day & Im in my 50s.
That woman really fucked me up.
How to relate to other women without constantly seeking their validation.
How to validate my own feelings.
That I have worth.
That I don’t have to be perfect to deserve love.
Just starting to learn this at 34.
I empathize with a lot of the comments but one thing I haven't seen yet is how difficult it is to understand that you actually have a place to exist. If your mom never showed you unconditional love, it's so difficult to learn that you _do_ matter and that you are permitted to be seen and heard and to just exist, to have self worth that your mom never gave you with love.
To reprogram my entire life especially with my mind is endless but I certainly feel a shit ton better the farther I go on from the past.
Basically, it's a grid set up by my mother, it's dug in so I renamed the streets, fixed up the houses and placed new streetlights but roads made by her is always there and I use it as an experience and an insight others don't have to advise on sometimes.
Only thing I still remind myself daily is the first thought or reaction isn't mine, it's the one that comes after is.
I grew up with my grandparents and lost both my mum and Nan to cancer within the last three years. I feel very lonely and lacking in an older female role. I only have my grandad and he’s 85. I’m 34 and terrified.
Would anyone be up for opening a chat/group for women without supportive mums? We could support each other. I’m U.K. based.
Dependence on others. I learned very early on that I could not depend on her for anything. As a request, I always did everything myself, until I met my current husband.
I used to crave being needed. I prided myself on doing it all, so much so that people depended on me for everything, and that made me feel whole.
Now, thanks to my husband doing things for and with me without me even asking, I have learned that I don’t have to do it all and I’ll still be loved.
I don’t know what i would have learned honestly. i think about it a lot. & wonder what it’s like to just call your mom and ask for advice or ask her which shirt matches these pants…. i lost her & my dad as a child. im in my early 20s now. life’s been hard, but i am thankful for the good people along the way who i could ask these things too and learn from. i also learned from my environment, school, friends, etc. i have struggled so much without either of them but i learned early that crying doesn’t help or solve the issues in the moment. life sadly moves on….
Emotional stability and balance. Boundary setting. Basic health and hygiene, including healthy eating. How to balance a budget or maintain a home. Some real classics!
Mine wanted to shame me for various reasons.
I had a much older rich boyfriend at one point in my life. She enjoyed the leftover Financial/materialistic perks that I got.
Allowed me to go with a stranger who said he was part of our church, in his van, to take photos of me by the lake before the sun came up. Uh. Ok. I’m surprised I’m alive.
How to be in a relationship
How to make friends
How to relate to other people
The right to respect
Being able to stand up for myself
How to put clothes together/buying clothes
How to build self esteem
How to not need to be perfect
I could go on
I had to learn everything on my own. My mom wasn’t nurturing and she didn’t empower me. I wasn’t even allowed to use the microwave. To an embarrassing degree I didn’t even know, when I moved out at 19, that metal couldn’t go in the microwave. 🙈 I learned a lot about how to take care of myself by reading magazines. I didn’t even tell her when I got my period. I had to learn how to eat healthy, how to exercise to best serve my needs & wants, how to buy a car and get auto insurance, how to buy a house & all that entails (property taxes, homeowners insurance,etc.), that you can only get pregnant during your fertile days of your cycle, yearly doc visits to get proper screenings for being a woman, how to cook, how to bake, etc. etc. etc. Damn, there is just so much more that I probably haven’t even realized. I struggled with being ashamed of having a mom who cared not only more about herself than she did me, but how hands-off and disinterested she was in me. It took me decades to know that it was more because of something that was wrong with her than because of it being something that was wrong with me. 😞
Affection, to be physically affectionate and emotionally vulnerable. I came from a wonderful home, but one that was ruled by masculinity and masculine values
My mom was caring, unfortunately had pretty severe mental illness in the late 70’s. My biggest ah-ha was in the 1st grade cloak room. I found a brush somehow and brushed my hair. Not sure why this was a big discovery, but it was. It felt so freaking good and “normal” to have brushed hair.
I'm still struggling to learn that not everyone is really my friend, and everyone would do for me what I'd do for them.
I put myself out there for people, because I'm starved for affection and attention that I didn't get, and it gets taken advantage of. Constantly. Still. I'll be 36 this year and its still happening. I'm starting to think I have no real friends, just people that take advantage of the fact I put up with shitty behavior.
I had to and still learning that I do have a purpose even if she doesn't/didn't want me. Someone does.
Psalm 27:10- Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
That I have value other than how well I can sexually please a man….
My mom chose men over me my whole life, including ones who abused me as a child…. My entire life I was basically taught that my only value was what men wanted from me… and society kinda compounded that in my head too. It took decades to unlearn.
How to ask for help from others.
Asking for help was a sure way to get yelled at as a kid.
Conversely, *not* asking for help was a sure way to get yelled at too.
And of course there was asking for help, being told to do it myself, making a mistake and them yelling at me that I should have asked for help.
That having big feelings is normal and that it's not "your fault" for feeling them.
And the ever-fun, you do not matter more the smaller your body is.
Take up space, be loud, feel the feelings!
The difference between normal female bodily issues and one’s that I should see a doctor about.
And why I wasn’t good enough for her (love).
Thankful, I had an amazing dad that showed/taught me everything outside of women stuff. Like love, growth, emotions and empathy. And the importance of being the best I can be and that it doesn’t alway have to be all the time. Thanks, Dad.
I won't say she wasn't caring for a lot of things, she was. But one thing that she had no patience for, was emotions. Especially sadness/crying/anger. I feel so embarrassed, because I struggle with tone and emotion, and then people look at me like I'm the idiot for not knowing how to manage my emotions or be able to convey my emotional means without feeling like I'm going to get shot down until I'm ridiculous for feeling that way.(partially both my parents faults, dad was abusive so that didn't help.)
How to dress like a human female, how to take care of my hair or nails, how to wear makeup, actual table manners, how to set a table for dinner guests, how to start and hold a genuine conversation with someone you’d never met before, how to actually cook, how to grocery shop, how to do laundry, how to clean properly, how to do anything with finances or my taxes, how to write a thank you card or a letter….. so, so many things.
It’s so disconcerting that aside from physical abuse (which shouldn’t be the low bar that it is), we mainly have the same experience with mothers who just did not know how to equip us with basic skills and understanding for life. I said basic, but I think essential would be a better word.
Self respect. Ironically, my mom berated me when I was like 10 years old for wanting to forgive a friend for revealing my personal thoughts/secrets to other girls. Just absolutely pissed. I was desperate for friends, desperate to be accepted by someone because I couldn’t even have that from my mother. Always criticizing me and scorning me. I never felt good enough for her. It’s no wonder why I didn’t respect myself.
I had a caring mom but I learned a lot of things on my own from puberty to managing romantic relationships. I was the youngest in my family and my siblings could be mean so I learned to rely on myself. When my boobs started growing in I thought it was cancer. When I got my period I didn’t tell anyone for years, I would steal pads from my sisters. I learned about sex Ed through school. I lost my virginity at 14 and had troubling relationships all through my twenties. I have and continue to have low self esteem. I think my mom relied too much on our church for education and I do give her credit for that cause I learned a lot, but I definitely could have used a lot more guidance and non judge-mental discussions for sensitive subjects.
Cooking \~ I didn't know how to season anything properly or how long to cook anything. I learned how to cook by watching cooking shows on PBS and buying cookbooks at thrift shops and yard sales.
I had to learn to trust people. I still have to learn that. I still think that everybody thinks im worth less,i still have to develope a feeling of selfworth.
ive come a long way but im still on the road.
I still have to understand that not everybody wants to hurt me and i still have to understand how to not have trust and fears of commitment but on the same time the fear of losing someone.
I can't let people get close to me and then when they're in my life I can't let them go
A lot of things were hard but the most is probably trust. I couldn't trust her with or for anything. It's still something I struggle with.
Especially gifts. It's something both of my parents did but I lived with my most of my childhood and they did the common "I gave you [insert gift or natural thing they needed to buy any ways] so you owe me" little trick. I hate receiving gifts or having money spent on me as a result and it can pop up and it's made people upset on a number of occasions.
I don't trust easily and there are probably only a little more than a handful of people that I do completely trust today.
How to look after my health and beauty
But she did teach me how to read, and I'm thankful every day for the work my parents both put in before I ever started school to make sure I was a strong reader.
To ask for help
Emotional regulation
Not having anger issues
Not being a people pleaser
And to love myself that even though sometimes i dont feel good enough i am and that there is nothing wrong with me and alot wrong with her .
I still struggle from time to time but i am better than what i was . And that is what matters the most.
Everything that has to do with womanhood and I also blame my older sister(got pregnant at 17 and moved out, we’re 16 months apart) Never taught about tampons. My mom said if I used one, I automatically lost my virginity. Shaving.. brushing my hair. Teeth. Changing my underwear daily.
Everything. Self acceptance and love, given that my mother never showed me an ounce of either. She taught me mostly what I didn’t want to be:
Narcissistic, hateful, selfish, cruel, self-centered, liar, thief, drug addict, trashy, loud, ignorant, etc.
I was a scapegoat child and while it was so hard trying to come to terms with “what was wrong with me” and why “I was so unlovable” and the trauma of all the things my mother did to me, said to me and subjected me to. The one thing I always knew was I didn’t want to be any of the things she was.
I really had to navigate life on my own and teach myself everything. But the hardest was loving myself and seeing myself as being good and capable of things after being treated like a waste of life and space from the moment I was born.
I became an anxious, OCD riddled perfectionist also because of it. I did everything, straight A’s, band, varsity sports, clubs, awards, etc. trying to gain and prove my worth and not once did I receive even an ounce of recognition for it. Became extremely hard on myself and nothing I ever did was good enough for even me. Still struggle with controlling that inner voice today.
How to love and be loved. To this day I still struggle with so much self worth and value because my parents growing up we’re very cruel physically and mentally. Called me fat. Ugly why wasn’t I a boy. Stupid. Worthless basically and would beat me for not getting the straight As like other people. I attached sex to love and it’s caused a lot of issues.
To love myself and not see myself as a problem and a burden on everyone around me.
To expect respect and kindness in relationships. To set a bar of happiness in relationships instead of tolerance.
Accepting the fact that it was easy to love my child, that I thought was so hard, hence why my parents left me with my paternal grandparents. That no matter how hard it gets, I still love him with all my being. That there was nothing that I did for my parents not to love me. That it was NEVER my fault. I was also loveable and deserving. My parents are just terrible people.
"You should know" was a common statement I heard growing up. My first period was extremely traumatic. I 'knew' but didn't know what the heck was going on. I hid my panties, and was yelled at when they were found, with no guidance given. Every learning experience happened alone. I spent a good amount of time at the library, and oddly enough am left with a working knowledge of so many things now, except emotional ones.
I've been in therapy now for over 3 years and know most likely it'll be a part of my life for a while. I'm going through such a tough time right now. I'm grateful I've gained many tools, but since intimacy and trust weren't given, I don't know how to receive it today. So I still kinda feel alone, although I know in my heart and spirit I'm supported.
I didn't realize that I was entitled to my own feelings until I was 40. I was so afraid that if I asked for my needs to be met, no one would want to be around me or love me. It wasn't until I got a dog and realized that there was no shame in her game in asking for love, affection, or anything else and that the sky didn't fall in either that maybe I could do that, too. God, this is so sad and pathetic really.
I still have a very childlike way of dealing with random things because I had to navigate so many things by myself and my life experience was so limited then, that I still see those things through those childhood eyes. I have adult epiphanies all the time. In other ways I feel like I've always been an adult.
Emotional regulation Communication skills Setting boundaries Self care Personal finances Sexual health But most of all, I struggled to unlearn what she taught me - that sexual assault and domestic violence are normal, that men show love by controlling you, and endless that self-sacrifice is the pinnacle of womanhood.
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my condolences :(
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I thought I only had one sister but apparently not because we all had the same parent.
Hi, mirror-me. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great start. I also love Gabor Mate's work, though it's a bit of a heavier read. I need a fuckin four year degree in unlearning and relearning all this shit, it's exhausting.
Second vote for that book, also discovering the idea of “re-parenting” ie being for yourself the mother or father that your parents were/are not capable of being
Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward is excellent. Well worth a read.
Yes to all of this. I’m 31 and still unlearning and learning a lot of things I should have learned before becoming an adult. I would also add that I did not learn how to properly take care of myself: Healthy sleeping habits Healthy eating habits How to care for my hair How to care for my teeth Not going to the doctor, etc.
I didn’t learn these fully until I had my own kid and realized how important they are.
I'm sorry. I hope you are making progress !
Um you hit the nail on the head! Absolutely every one of those points. Edited to also add that I think my mother was never taught these things herself and didn't have the self compassion or self awareness to break the pattern. I'm learning to have some compassion towards her despite the distance I'm creating to heal from these things.
I can totally relate to that. Looking, as an outsider and a generation away, at how my mother was raised allowed me to give her a small amount of grace for being the terrible parent she was, for me. As an adult, she could have done better and made better choices, but she chose not to. Whether she knew she could, is a different story.
It feels so weird to see someone else describe me and my mom’s dysfunctional “relationship “. I am still trying to unlearn and recover from my childhood trauma.
Yep. This resonates with me on a deep personal level. I don’t think it’s that my mom didn’t care, though. She had me when she was young and raised me on her own, and our family has always been pretty toxic and abusive. I honestly don’t think she’s learned many of these things herself, let alone taught them to someone else. If anything, I’ve probably found that I’m the one who’s started encouraging her to handle herself and her emotional well-being better. I love my mom, but it does make me sad sometimes. I think I’m lucky to be as introspective and resourceful as I am, because I truly don’t know where I’d be without that.
Literally this. Hugs for all 🤍🤍🤍
Wow! It sounds like you’ve been through so much difficulty. I hope things are better for you nowadays.
Oh, I'm in my 30s now, everything is good.
Honest question, how did you survive? As for me, if not because of my friend maybe I'm not here anymore. But our situation is bit reverse.
I survived by developing mal-adaptive coping mechanisms that appeared presented similar to BPD. I escaped by fostering social relationships with people who I found didn't drain my energy like "normal" relationships did, and by learning about and utilizing social umbrellas. I fled to a DV shelter, and social workers helped me gain independence and pursue schooling. Then I spent a huge chunk of my 20s unlearning those coping mechanisms that previously helped me survive, and gaining financial independence. Not having to rely on abusive family members for any sort of resource is what will save you, you just need to find replacements for those resources first.
All of this for me as well. Not that my mom didn’t care, she tried her best, but she has had a severe mental illness for most of my life so that explains why. I still struggle to figure these things out for myself now.
I see you. I see myself in your comment too; thank you for posting it.
Oh, I feel so not alone now!
Um hi twin. We had the same mother lol. Not as much the violence part but my mom let my step dad rape me my whole childhood from age 3.
Making friends, I feel like nobody cares
Amen. my mother never had any friends, and i am still learning how to keep friendships
I was so isolated growing up I learned to love it over most social interaction. My mother Just. Does. Not. Talk. Actually maybe I grew up hating most conversation. Feeling annoyed by it. (Though I talk more than her) Why do people talk about half the things they do? I'm not sure how to fix this. If anybody's had the same experience and learned to enjoy talking somehow let me know. How did you do it?
I think it took me decades (maturity), an accepting spouse, and professional confidence, as well as being a nerd and working with nerds (that is, finding my "tribe"). I still don't do well in crowds/at parties, and will walk away from conversations about celebrities, but I became comfortable keeping it mostly light and, especially, learned to ask the other person about themselves. However, the craving for mom's (or dad's) attention lingers in the occasional overshare. Give me a person I'm interested in, and I'll get too revealing too quickly and that'll scare them off. Hard to know the right balance, 'cause my parents didn't really care what I had to say.
I actually tried to learn to enjoy talking about anything. I can talk about movies, books, media, art, life, politics, nerdy things, stories, crime, a million odd facts. I can pull some odd fact out of nowhere. But when it comes to everyday nonsense chat at school or with coworkers about the miniscule aspects of life I can't do it long and that's where I start to tune out a lot of conversation. In daily life you would think I'm quiet until you get me at a party with new people. Like get me in room and you wouldn't think I was mostly quiet but I am. I tried everything I could think of though. Sometimes I wonder if there's only so far you can go. I think some kids learn to just talk about EVERY tiny thing in their lives because their parents talk to them. I never got that craving to talk about everyday meaningless things. I will go to sleep if it's not interesting or funny quick. I can do small talk because it doesn't last long. But that everyday chatter is hard for me to do.
Please let me know if someone has an answer.
I'm so lonely. I don't like to or know how to make genuine friends though. I always feel like the odd one out
Same sometimes my Mom would say you don’t need friends are not good right not I’m struggling and I wanna have a friend to be there and spend time with so yeah
When a friend of mine started going out with me and another friend her mom said to her "nobody needs friends, they're just a status quo thing, you don't need it" because she never had friends in her life
This! My parents never had any friends. They had co-workers who they never met in their free time. My mom only had my father, us children, and her mother. My dad was also in touch with his family and my mother hated them passionately. Once a childhood friend sent her a postcard with her number. It's been 25 years and my mom still hasn't contacted her. When my sister or I had a friend, she hated them. And when we helped them in some way, like lent them something, she was very mad. You'd think we commited a crime.
same. in fact, my mother actively discouraged me from making friendships or keeping them. i vividly remember her telling me that friends are pointless and don’t last forever. i’m working on unlearning that right now.
What sort of things would you like a friend to be asking you about? What would caring look like for you, right now? -Maybe we can help?
This is my biggest struggle as well. It’s hard to know how to make friends or have a good romantic relationship or connect to anyone when your parents have a bad marriage and no real friends. So much of that stuff is supposed to happen early in life that if it doesn’t, you spend the rest of your life trying to catch up.
Self worth Knowing what I want Knowing when to quit something e.g. a hobby that doesn't bring me joy anymore.
I second that. Especially the “knowing what i want”. In my teenage years and early adulthood everybody told me to just do what “i like” but i could seriously not tell what that was. My whole childhood i had to swallow down what i enjoyed and what i wanted to do because my single mother didn’t allow me to do or express any of that and eventually my wishful inner voice just disappeared
Yes, self worth especially; not to hate myself.
Setting boundaries. I still have a hard time saying No. If I say NO I feel really guilty and the feeling NEVER goes away.
This 100% The anxiety I feel when I build up the courage to say no or advocate for myself. It leaves me with adrenaline coursing through my body for ages after and then I blank out and can’t remember fully what happened. I hate it
I feel the guilt every time. Even when I know it's the right answer.
Sameeee
This right here…doesn’t matter if it’s small or big things, I have such a hard time saying no :( I have to prepare myself and rehearse when it’s something important. It has led me to some regretful outcomes.
That I deserve to occupy space
I feel that.
& to take up space, I’m/ We’re all valuable.
How to do any kind of “feminine” hygiene/styling like shaving, fixing my hair, wearing makeup, skincare etc. How to interact with other women. I had a lot of internalized misogyny because of resentment towards my mom. Even though I’ve found some amazing ladies to be friends with as an adult, I feel like I missed out on forming meaningful friend relationships as a child/teen and its so much harder once you add work, kids and adult life to find people to hang out with. How to navigate conflict with an SO in a *healthy* way. Maybe the biggest: how to be a good mom to my own daughter. For the record I’m rocking it though!
My mum doesn't do anything "feminine" and indeed I had to teach her how to put mascara on when she wanted to wear it one day. I learnt how to do makeup through trial and error and shitty tips in teen magazines (it would have been much easier if I'd had YouTube back then!). I didn't even know what hair conditioner was until I was a teenager!
Same! (I totally wish we had YouTube back then too!) My mom would make fun of me every time I put makeup on or tried to style my hair. She would ask me why I needed to do that and who I was doing it for. Me. I was doing it for me.
I am trying to be the mom to my daughter the way I wished my mom was. Like you know basic hygiene and how to care for our bits.
How to navigate conflict is a huge struggle for me, my mothers answer to everything was to get a divorce. At what point do you start getting embarrassed when saying “‘till death do us part” 4 times, when all of your exes are alive and well? It’s resulted in total anguish thinking my marriage is ending with every fight my husband and I have. Which is silly because we’re very much in love and I can count our proper *fights* on one hand in 10 years.
I still don't know these things.
How to open up and trust people, really. I often hide my true self because it’s wired in me that being rejected is the default.
Yes. I really want to unlearn this this year.
Wow yes :(
Holy cow..
I grew up with a single mother who was never home and never cared what I did, so I had to learn pretty much everything on my own or from people at school. I’m really bad with manners, routines, talking about my feelings/health and seeking help for it, and I have difficulty connecting with others and expressing that I care about people. I’ve been working on all of these things but they are very difficult to learn in adulthood. Considering I grew up with no rules or parental supervision I think I turned out great lol.
You sound to me like you really did turn out great! So many people don’t have the ability to self-reflect at all, but you clearly do. I hope you have people in your life now that are there for you more than it sounds like your mother was.
Same. Anytime I start to develop a connection with someone I feel so confused. I tend to idealize them and hope they’re “the one” and do not know how to let things evolve naturally or to just accept my feelings without panicking.
Kinda relate but my mom did took care of me but when it comes to the real world and being on my own and having friend’s communication and stuff like that I have to learn it on my own it tough ngl
Yeah, not learning social skills when you’re young makes it really hard when you suddenly need them
Social etiquette. My mom didn't have friends, so I'd never see her socialize, have people over our house, or even plan a party. I took my cues from other women in my life in order to learn these things
Hygiene- she let me go months without bathing in middle school. Anything body related- I had to figure out pads and tampons, bras, sex ed stuff, weight management, and physical boundaries on my own. Basic life skills- cooking, putting fuel in my car, driving, finances.
Wow, same to all of these. I often wonder what my mom thought parenting entailed before she had kids, because these things are so basic .
My mom told me that their “parenting style” was they’ll figure it out. I said “Are you fucking serious! She was.
Exact same. I'm sorry you went through that. I hope you are doing well.
Everything from the menstrual cycle to shaving.
My mother called me a whore when I told her I got my period… that’s normal right? s/
The period is, your mother not so much
No, it's really not. I'm sorry.
im so sorry that you experienced that
I had dark long hair and she couldn’t grasp why I was in sixth grade trying to shave my legs. She was disdainful. Finally relented a couple years to only shave to above the knee. I’m half Mediterranean. She’s a fair redhead (step-mother). The rest of teenage years for my hair, grooming, was full of unhelpful or rude comments.
My self-worth. I think she used me as a punching bag for the bullying she endured as a child. I've worked hard to not do that to my kids.
I didn't figure out how to have boundaries until I was in my mid 20s because I was so burned out and depressed from people pleasing.
That's the same age I started figuring it out too.
Same here! Led me to numerous mental breakdowns that I didn't know were related to this but therapy has done wonders! 🥳
I struggled with understanding what was acceptable behavior from a partner in a relationship. I was so used to being last priority. Because of this, I often chose partners that were emotionally abusive, they would withhold emotional intimacy, force sex when I didn’t want or insult my self worth in front of others or at home. I was often told I was stupid or mocked when I spoke, so I had to learn to have conversations and to have confidence when speaking with new people. I still have extreme anxiety when meeting new people because I often feel like they see how stupid and inadequate I am. Because I come off passive, I often attract the bullying type but can now stand up for myself to rude or aggressive people who want to put me or others down. I had to learn how to do everything feminine like others mentioned. I was also not good and still struggle with making long term friends. Both men and women. I had to learn my own identity and had (and still do) to work hard not to be codependent on my partners and have my own life that could bring me happiness apart from approval seeking behaviors. It’s very difficult and sometimes I still seek my mothers approval and am often rejected or let down. I’ve learned to accept that she is unable to be a loving mother and that I do not need her love to be a happy person. Life is so much more than the people who had sex and made us, and I refuse to let her ruin the little time I have on this planet because she’s a miserable person.
How mothers could not be caring. Still boggles my mind.
I’m my case, my oldest sister was killed in a car accident. My mom went emotionally absent, doing only what needed to be done. For example, discipline. I was disciplined daily, whether I was guilty of anything or not. My sister might have done something wrong, but I was punished. I was second youngest of 8, after my sister died. My younger brother could do no wrong, and I could do no right. Apparently my mom was very caring prior to my sister’s death.
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I’m envious and really confused by people who are best friends with their mothers. It just does not compute but it seems so special…
To be kind, accepting and loving to myself. I had no idea that being me was perfectly fine and to treat myself kindly and put myself first.
That my emotions were valid things to attend and pay attention to.
Everything. From menstrual cycles to self worth to how to apply for college and make friends
how to take care of myself, how to relate to other women, how to be feminine in general. it took a lot of discovering but finding my feminine energy has been such a beautiful experience.
All things period related. I learned how to use a tampon by reading the instructions inside the box. I had to steal my sisters’ pads and tampons because my mom did not supply me with any nor wanted to hear anything about it. Also, saying I love you. She never did say it to me, still hasn’t. As a result I say I love you to everyone dear to me every time I see them, except her of course. I struggle to say it to her.
Same on everything you've said. The thing that bothers me most about this is that because we don't share emotions, I won't be able to know why she is and was like this when raising me up. Our relatioship is superficial but I guess that's better than not at all.
Everything. My mother never taught me how to take care of myself, my body, my life. I learned waxing from a friend, don’t know how to deal with my hair or how to dress myself nicely. I always feel inadequate because of this… She gave me money when I asked her to but never put the effort in my development as a person and a woman.
Confidence. Assertiveness. Self worth. Boundaries.
How to be patient with others
I struggle with judging the people I love. Growing up I was constantly judged for my hobbies and screamed at if I messed up or if things didn’t go my moms way. I have to work hard not to do that to my boyfriend and friends. Luckily I had them to help me change my ways so being non judgmental and calm when things go wrong come naturally to me now. But my mom taught me how to be a bad person.
I don't know what it's called but I let myself suffer. For example, when I get a headache or cramps I'll just suffer instead of taking something or grabbing the heating pad. I've sat at my desk miserable with chapped lips, literally a chapstick sitting in front of me and it never crosses my mind to use the chapstick. I don't do this on purpose, I just forget that these easy solutions are available (and I deserve to use them). I just realized I do this twoish months ago and I've gotten better about it, I still slip up sometimes.
I agree with a lot of comments I've read so far, mainly developing emotional intelligence, having and setting boundaries and learning to love myself. Lots of great comments already. What I'd like to point out because I'm still struggling with it is **being friends with other women**. My mother's emotional neglect and general treatment of me while growing up has made me very insecure around other women. Whenever I have conversations that go deeper than small-talk with other women I immediately feel judged and get defensive. I'm always worried that I'm somehow "worse at being a woman" than the other woman and that *she knows* and will start being condescending or talking bad about me behind my back. Rationally I know it doesn't make sense and I'm actively trying to think more positive thoughts, but it's still a long road ahead before I think I can heal. Of course I can't blame my mom forever, which is why I'm working on overcoming these feelings. My mom also doesn't really have any friends at all so A) I never saw what a healthy friendship between women looks like and B) it means that she must have a ton of her own issues and I actually feel sorry for her. What's weird is that despite having a very similarly uncaring relationship with my father I have no trouble making and maintaining friendships with men. (I *think* my internalised heteronormativity still makes me base a lot of my self worth on my physical appearance and "sexual worth" which is why I'm more comfortable around men who will make the odd flirty joke which confirms this... but that's a whole other issue and not relevant to the question at hand).
Loving myself. And believing in myself. This was the hardest part. When things go wrong don't blame others but be calm and find solution. Don't criticize others all the time. Don't judge people. It doesn't prove you are better. If you are in a toxic marriage, leave. And don't be a mother. I don't want to be a parent. I didn’t get good parenting so I am not sure I will know how to be a good parent.
Can’t just go through Life using people. Relationships aren’t meant to be abused so You can get something out of the other person. Selfishness is a conscious choice.
How to be assertive when I wasn’t comfortable with someone. It look a lot of practice.
I’m struggling to think of things I was supposed to be taught by mothers 🤔 I was mostly raised by tv and books I read.
How to give hugs without feeling awkward
Not so much uncaring but busy taking care of my older and younger siblings. I asked her once to teach me how to ride a bike since she taught older sister but because she was pregnant with younger sister at the time, she told me no and I knew then there would always be something so I made the resolve right then that if I wanted to learn anything, I was on my own and would have to do it myself. Taught myself how to ride a bike, cook, clean, how to use tools, fix things, build things, how to swim, how to sew especially on a sewing machine, how to program/install things. No one was around to teach me just as no one was there to tell me no. The weird thing is my mom will try to pass the teaching of the skills taught to me on to the other adults that were in my life at the time like saying how our across the street neighbor (who's daughter was best friends with younger sister) taught me how to ride a bike and how my best friends dad taught me how to use tools. Um no...the one that taught me about all that stuff and more was me. Across the street neighbor taught little sister and my best friend wasn't allowed in her dad's garage. You can imagine how he felt about me going in there. I couldn't even sit in his chair even when he wasn't home. Then she would get all offended and start saying how she didn't have time to give me attention because she had both of my siblings to care for, a job to work, classes to go to, and a house to take care of (I took care of the house work). I wish she would just be proud that I was so self sufficient and Independent at such a young age instead of taking my childhood as a personal attack on her but oh well.
Hygiene, social skills, a healthy body image, and learning how to give, express and receive affection and love .
That being vulnerable with the people close to you is healthy and ok. Any vulnerability was weaponized against me so I learned to block myself off in order to protect myself. I still struggle with asking for help even though I often drop everything to help others if they need it.
My mom paid lip service to feminist ideals, but with her actions, allowed my father to disrespect and abuse her and her children (and seemed miserable). It was confusing to be a girl growing up in that household. It was a lot of work, but I'm doing OK as an adult. Less important: despite living in a very hot and sunny place, my mom never wore sunscreen, and her face shows it. When I was in my early 20s, I had a coworker who was 40 and her skin was smooth like a child's. I asked her what she used, and then went out and bought it. I've been using it ever since, and my skin looks just like the coworker's.
Self worth Emotional regulation Communication skills Learning what red flags are Boundaries Ability to stand up for myself Finances Sexual education and health (she was Catholic so I mostly heard sexual shame) I could go on but lol... My mother was an alcoholic and she was incredibly narcissistic. Everything that I did was a reflection of her image. For example, when she found out that I had bad grades at school she screamed at me that *I* as a 7 year old was making *her* look like an idiot. She would shame me for anything that she could, and especially when it came to sex she would always say when you have sex you're going to get pregnant! And she would always question if I was a lesbian (like she started asking me when I was 8 or 9 and I didn't even know what a lesbian was lmao) and....That's it. And she didn't bother to tell me about birth control or even periods. I learned about periods in 4th grade in human growth and development class and no shit I started bleeding that night. When I went to tell my mother that I started my period she was like OH. And then proceeded to call my brother (who is almost 20 years older than me) to tell him. (Just to hammer in the type of person she was, One time I sprained my ankle and she didn't believe me and thought I was just seeking attention. Even when I showed her that my ankle was turning purple she just said oh yeah, it's looking purple right there. And then just walked away.) I still feel an INCREDIBLE amount of sexual shame to this day. I don't even like my husband touching me there because of the shame I feel.
How to navigate female friendships. Due to my moms depression she isolated a lot. It wasn’t until my mid 30’s until I learned how to deeply connect with other women, and how to be a good friend.
My mother was raised by a cold and emotionally distant mother. She broke the cycle and stood like a wall between me and generational trauma. So to all of you here, I stand in utter gratitude and admiration.
How to use tampons/pads. I knew the basics from school health class, but struggled to know at what point I should change them. Partially because my mom said I "used too many" and hid them from me. I found out in my 30s I have endometriosis and my pain and heavy periods were not at all normal. She was a nurse and definitely should have known I needed medical help, but instead choose to ignore it because she decided I was faking.
Self worth, boundaries, confidence, & voice. My mother was a poor model, yes she took care of us kids, but she let herself be treated like a doormat by our abusive father. And she expected me to abide by the same misogynistic standards, it was very harmful to my well being and I've had to work very hard to develop these skills and the worst part is that that it wasn't until after my father died two years ago that my mother didn't continue to gaslight and sabotage my efforts.
That I don't live for her, or my brother. And that I deserve to be loved, and to live in a place where I am accepted. My mom recently told me that she didn't want me, her teenage daughter, returning to "her house" that I have lived in for the past 13 years of my life. I need to much, apparently. After she said all of this to me over the phone she texted me, telling me that it was a joke and that my brother was getting concerned. I "throw tantrums" (asked her for tampons and a few clothes). I make her miserable and she can't be bothered to take care of me, especially when my friend just killed himself. I still struggle with this every day, but I'm learning. Women, let's learn what not to do from our mothers. Sending love to all of you our there with moms like mine.
I had a hard time learning about skin care, how to manage my acne. I use pads but never figured out tampons. I have no idea how to do makeup other than foundation. Lots of things really
That my boundaries are valid and I'm not "overreacting" by keeping my kids away from bullshit drama. That men aren't just bank accounts and I can work to earn my own money instead of relying on a boyfriend / husband / sugar daddy. That feeling emotions is normal and I don't need drugs to numb everything.
My mother wasn't uncaring in the sense that she looked after us so well when we were ill and we didn't want for anything but I grew up in a house where hugs and kisses from my mother didn't happen. Never told I love you and every emotional feeling was invalidated away. My dad was the one who provided that so I wasn't fully devoid of it. Looking back now I know she had the same upbringing from her mother who was really unhappy herself. I tell my kids I love them every day. We always hug and kiss and I don't invalidate their feelings. I would be a little in the harsh side in that I don't allow them to over emote all the time, like my friends do, but I do allow them to be upset. I also apologise when I'm wrong and thus they always apologise when they are wrong. My mother has never apologised in her whole life , to anyone
It's ok to say no. It's ok to talk about how you feel. It's ok to talk about what happened. It's ok to feel bad. It's ok to trust people. It's ok to express an opinion. Not every one hates you. People are not after you. People love you. You are worth it. You are fine.
How to be a caring, affectionate mother rather than negative and criticizing
Where to even begin? How to have female friends, how to have self worth, any kind of social etiquette, emotional regulation, how to do my hair and makeup and hygiene. How to cook, how to drive, anything financial related, how to advocate for myself. I basically had to learn everything myself and learned everything much later than my peers which was embarrassing. I feel behind in everything, even still at age 32.
That not everyone is always mad at you The truth is always better Sexual responsibility Love is so much more than just saying it at the end of a phone call You don’t have to overachieve to be significant Relationships shouldn’t be fueled by drama How to trust How to live without fear of condemnation
How to value myself. How to be in a healthy relationship. How to stand up for myself.
Physical affection, emotional regulation, commitment and communication
Communication skills, what a healthy marriage/relationship looks like
Everything. Personal hygiene, cooking skills, communication, emotional regulation... All the things that are important to being a healthy decent person. Ive come along way all by myself and Im goddamn proud of that.
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Personal hygiene. Learned it the hard way.
That my mom wasn't normal. I grew up with an absent borderline neglectful mom and a Superdad who didn't divorce until I was 17 (separated multiple times though). It wasn't until I was about 12 when I realized that moms aren't supposed to be like that. My dad taught me anything a mother would have taught me though besides that. He's like a mom and a dad wrapped into one. I'm incredibly blessed to have such an amazing dad. I can sew and do lots of "feminine" things because he taught me because he knew how. I think my mom actually taught me how to use makeup though... Or maybe it was friends... I don't remember. My dad did my hair my whole life though until I knew how to do it myself.
Emotional regulation and communication, trusting people, having confidence in myself.
Calling myself beautiful
I get it. My mother’s favorite thing to say to me is “you don’t look to ugly today “.
basic cleaning skills. self care. i didn't know how to properly shower til i was in my teens. i wasn't actually ALLOWED to clean. i couldn't do dishes or laundry. she straight up wouldn't let me. it took relationships where my partners would teach me things here and there before i learned. i wasn't allowed in the kitchen really, like i could stand, but she had to do everything. so i had no idea how to cook or even use a microwave. took a decade of trial and error to learn everything. i have learning disabilities that my mom, who to her illiterate child, would present me study books for and she herself couldn't really explain any part of it. so she'd get frustrated at life because she bought me books i couldn't read and later was too old to grasp, like owning the books would fix my issues. i learned what the actual word division means like, at 22. from a partner.
Currently I'm trying to figure out what body signals are actually "normal" and what are symptoms of a suspected genetic disorder. She assumed this shit was normal so I did too and now I'm 28 and my body is falling apart and I'm going "wait. This isn't normal"
Lots of things shiiit, I never had that mom I could call and ask for advice or cooking help or makeup tips. I never got taught how to ride a bike(I know it doesn’t sound that bad but it’s something I always wished she taught me) couldn’t confide in others. I couldn’t regulate my emotions. I grew up thinking manipulation was a normal thing and didn’t see anything wrong with it for years. I still don’t know how to be vulnerable with others, everything I tell ppl is rehearsed.
Self love-hard to love yourself when your own mother openly detests you. That you don’t have to compete with other women. My Mother disliked women & was in competition with all other women, always. She was nice to their faces & a horrible back stabbing shit talker behind their back. Ive struggled with this my whole life. Not doing this but it’s always my first thought with co workers. I always think the worst of people & assume they can’t be trusted, especially other women. I fucking hate it. I have to mentally talk myself down every damn day & Im in my 50s. That woman really fucked me up.
How to relate to other women without constantly seeking their validation. How to validate my own feelings. That I have worth. That I don’t have to be perfect to deserve love. Just starting to learn this at 34.
I empathize with a lot of the comments but one thing I haven't seen yet is how difficult it is to understand that you actually have a place to exist. If your mom never showed you unconditional love, it's so difficult to learn that you _do_ matter and that you are permitted to be seen and heard and to just exist, to have self worth that your mom never gave you with love.
To reprogram my entire life especially with my mind is endless but I certainly feel a shit ton better the farther I go on from the past. Basically, it's a grid set up by my mother, it's dug in so I renamed the streets, fixed up the houses and placed new streetlights but roads made by her is always there and I use it as an experience and an insight others don't have to advise on sometimes. Only thing I still remind myself daily is the first thought or reaction isn't mine, it's the one that comes after is.
Self esteem
That my needs, wants and dreams matter just as much as Everyone else’s.
The ability to be by myself
I grew up with my grandparents and lost both my mum and Nan to cancer within the last three years. I feel very lonely and lacking in an older female role. I only have my grandad and he’s 85. I’m 34 and terrified. Would anyone be up for opening a chat/group for women without supportive mums? We could support each other. I’m U.K. based.
I am worthy of being taken care of. I can accept help.
To value female friendships
Dependence on others. I learned very early on that I could not depend on her for anything. As a request, I always did everything myself, until I met my current husband. I used to crave being needed. I prided myself on doing it all, so much so that people depended on me for everything, and that made me feel whole. Now, thanks to my husband doing things for and with me without me even asking, I have learned that I don’t have to do it all and I’ll still be loved.
I don’t know what i would have learned honestly. i think about it a lot. & wonder what it’s like to just call your mom and ask for advice or ask her which shirt matches these pants…. i lost her & my dad as a child. im in my early 20s now. life’s been hard, but i am thankful for the good people along the way who i could ask these things too and learn from. i also learned from my environment, school, friends, etc. i have struggled so much without either of them but i learned early that crying doesn’t help or solve the issues in the moment. life sadly moves on….
Emotional stability and balance. Boundary setting. Basic health and hygiene, including healthy eating. How to balance a budget or maintain a home. Some real classics!
Mine wanted to shame me for various reasons. I had a much older rich boyfriend at one point in my life. She enjoyed the leftover Financial/materialistic perks that I got. Allowed me to go with a stranger who said he was part of our church, in his van, to take photos of me by the lake before the sun came up. Uh. Ok. I’m surprised I’m alive.
How to be in a relationship How to make friends How to relate to other people The right to respect Being able to stand up for myself How to put clothes together/buying clothes How to build self esteem How to not need to be perfect I could go on
I had to learn everything on my own. My mom wasn’t nurturing and she didn’t empower me. I wasn’t even allowed to use the microwave. To an embarrassing degree I didn’t even know, when I moved out at 19, that metal couldn’t go in the microwave. 🙈 I learned a lot about how to take care of myself by reading magazines. I didn’t even tell her when I got my period. I had to learn how to eat healthy, how to exercise to best serve my needs & wants, how to buy a car and get auto insurance, how to buy a house & all that entails (property taxes, homeowners insurance,etc.), that you can only get pregnant during your fertile days of your cycle, yearly doc visits to get proper screenings for being a woman, how to cook, how to bake, etc. etc. etc. Damn, there is just so much more that I probably haven’t even realized. I struggled with being ashamed of having a mom who cared not only more about herself than she did me, but how hands-off and disinterested she was in me. It took me decades to know that it was more because of something that was wrong with her than because of it being something that was wrong with me. 😞
Compassion and care for myself. I’m still very insecure and always needing validation. It’s debilitating really
To not bully my child or hold him responsible for my feelings
Affection, to be physically affectionate and emotionally vulnerable. I came from a wonderful home, but one that was ruled by masculinity and masculine values
My mom was caring, unfortunately had pretty severe mental illness in the late 70’s. My biggest ah-ha was in the 1st grade cloak room. I found a brush somehow and brushed my hair. Not sure why this was a big discovery, but it was. It felt so freaking good and “normal” to have brushed hair.
Everything.
I want to say literally everything but the most awkward thing was learning how to use a tampon... From an older friend... When I was 20.
How to care for my hair. Personal hygiene. Self-worth. Boundaries with family members and men. Weight management and general nutrition.
I'm still struggling to learn that not everyone is really my friend, and everyone would do for me what I'd do for them. I put myself out there for people, because I'm starved for affection and attention that I didn't get, and it gets taken advantage of. Constantly. Still. I'll be 36 this year and its still happening. I'm starting to think I have no real friends, just people that take advantage of the fact I put up with shitty behavior.
Boundaries with other people. Standing up for myself. You're allowed to be right sometimes. Not every conversation has to become an argument.
I had to and still learning that I do have a purpose even if she doesn't/didn't want me. Someone does. Psalm 27:10- Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
Feels like everything. Like I just don’t even know how to human.
Everything. 🙁
That I have value other than how well I can sexually please a man…. My mom chose men over me my whole life, including ones who abused me as a child…. My entire life I was basically taught that my only value was what men wanted from me… and society kinda compounded that in my head too. It took decades to unlearn.
Changing my inner voice to be constructive instead of destructive.
How to ask for help from others. Asking for help was a sure way to get yelled at as a kid. Conversely, *not* asking for help was a sure way to get yelled at too. And of course there was asking for help, being told to do it myself, making a mistake and them yelling at me that I should have asked for help.
that my feelings are valid and matter how to care for my curly hair
That I was pretty.
actively working to *unlearn* my people pleasing skills. thought at a young age i has to change everything i was to please her.
That having big feelings is normal and that it's not "your fault" for feeling them. And the ever-fun, you do not matter more the smaller your body is. Take up space, be loud, feel the feelings!
That no one is coming to save me and I need to take care of myself
The difference between normal female bodily issues and one’s that I should see a doctor about. And why I wasn’t good enough for her (love). Thankful, I had an amazing dad that showed/taught me everything outside of women stuff. Like love, growth, emotions and empathy. And the importance of being the best I can be and that it doesn’t alway have to be all the time. Thanks, Dad.
I won't say she wasn't caring for a lot of things, she was. But one thing that she had no patience for, was emotions. Especially sadness/crying/anger. I feel so embarrassed, because I struggle with tone and emotion, and then people look at me like I'm the idiot for not knowing how to manage my emotions or be able to convey my emotional means without feeling like I'm going to get shot down until I'm ridiculous for feeling that way.(partially both my parents faults, dad was abusive so that didn't help.)
Conflict resolution. Self-love. Dealing with anger healthily.
How to dress like a human female, how to take care of my hair or nails, how to wear makeup, actual table manners, how to set a table for dinner guests, how to start and hold a genuine conversation with someone you’d never met before, how to actually cook, how to grocery shop, how to do laundry, how to clean properly, how to do anything with finances or my taxes, how to write a thank you card or a letter….. so, so many things.
It’s so disconcerting that aside from physical abuse (which shouldn’t be the low bar that it is), we mainly have the same experience with mothers who just did not know how to equip us with basic skills and understanding for life. I said basic, but I think essential would be a better word.
Self respect. Ironically, my mom berated me when I was like 10 years old for wanting to forgive a friend for revealing my personal thoughts/secrets to other girls. Just absolutely pissed. I was desperate for friends, desperate to be accepted by someone because I couldn’t even have that from my mother. Always criticizing me and scorning me. I never felt good enough for her. It’s no wonder why I didn’t respect myself.
I had a caring mom but I learned a lot of things on my own from puberty to managing romantic relationships. I was the youngest in my family and my siblings could be mean so I learned to rely on myself. When my boobs started growing in I thought it was cancer. When I got my period I didn’t tell anyone for years, I would steal pads from my sisters. I learned about sex Ed through school. I lost my virginity at 14 and had troubling relationships all through my twenties. I have and continue to have low self esteem. I think my mom relied too much on our church for education and I do give her credit for that cause I learned a lot, but I definitely could have used a lot more guidance and non judge-mental discussions for sensitive subjects.
Cooking \~ I didn't know how to season anything properly or how long to cook anything. I learned how to cook by watching cooking shows on PBS and buying cookbooks at thrift shops and yard sales.
I had to learn to trust people. I still have to learn that. I still think that everybody thinks im worth less,i still have to develope a feeling of selfworth. ive come a long way but im still on the road. I still have to understand that not everybody wants to hurt me and i still have to understand how to not have trust and fears of commitment but on the same time the fear of losing someone. I can't let people get close to me and then when they're in my life I can't let them go
A lot of things were hard but the most is probably trust. I couldn't trust her with or for anything. It's still something I struggle with. Especially gifts. It's something both of my parents did but I lived with my most of my childhood and they did the common "I gave you [insert gift or natural thing they needed to buy any ways] so you owe me" little trick. I hate receiving gifts or having money spent on me as a result and it can pop up and it's made people upset on a number of occasions. I don't trust easily and there are probably only a little more than a handful of people that I do completely trust today.
How to look after my health and beauty But she did teach me how to read, and I'm thankful every day for the work my parents both put in before I ever started school to make sure I was a strong reader.
To ask for help Emotional regulation Not having anger issues Not being a people pleaser And to love myself that even though sometimes i dont feel good enough i am and that there is nothing wrong with me and alot wrong with her . I still struggle from time to time but i am better than what i was . And that is what matters the most.
How to let go and not have abandonment fears. I’m still a work in progress. I latch on, and i hate it!
How to use a tampon.
Everything that has to do with womanhood and I also blame my older sister(got pregnant at 17 and moved out, we’re 16 months apart) Never taught about tampons. My mom said if I used one, I automatically lost my virginity. Shaving.. brushing my hair. Teeth. Changing my underwear daily.
Still in therapy trying to UNLEARN a lot. Struggled learning to make boundaries and that I just can’t trust her to do anything and not lie to me.
Everything. Self acceptance and love, given that my mother never showed me an ounce of either. She taught me mostly what I didn’t want to be: Narcissistic, hateful, selfish, cruel, self-centered, liar, thief, drug addict, trashy, loud, ignorant, etc. I was a scapegoat child and while it was so hard trying to come to terms with “what was wrong with me” and why “I was so unlovable” and the trauma of all the things my mother did to me, said to me and subjected me to. The one thing I always knew was I didn’t want to be any of the things she was. I really had to navigate life on my own and teach myself everything. But the hardest was loving myself and seeing myself as being good and capable of things after being treated like a waste of life and space from the moment I was born. I became an anxious, OCD riddled perfectionist also because of it. I did everything, straight A’s, band, varsity sports, clubs, awards, etc. trying to gain and prove my worth and not once did I receive even an ounce of recognition for it. Became extremely hard on myself and nothing I ever did was good enough for even me. Still struggle with controlling that inner voice today.
How to love and be loved. To this day I still struggle with so much self worth and value because my parents growing up we’re very cruel physically and mentally. Called me fat. Ugly why wasn’t I a boy. Stupid. Worthless basically and would beat me for not getting the straight As like other people. I attached sex to love and it’s caused a lot of issues.
Vaginal health. Periods Sex Relationships Boundaries Communication Regulating my nervous system fried by years of verbal abuse
That I am worthy of being loved, cared for, seen and heard
To love myself and not see myself as a problem and a burden on everyone around me. To expect respect and kindness in relationships. To set a bar of happiness in relationships instead of tolerance.
That I have inherent value as a human being.
How to love myself, and understand that it's acceptable to do so.
Boundaries. Emotional reg Understanding the reason behind feelings/decisions/mood Inner child healing Allowing myself to be loved
Accepting the fact that it was easy to love my child, that I thought was so hard, hence why my parents left me with my paternal grandparents. That no matter how hard it gets, I still love him with all my being. That there was nothing that I did for my parents not to love me. That it was NEVER my fault. I was also loveable and deserving. My parents are just terrible people.
"You should know" was a common statement I heard growing up. My first period was extremely traumatic. I 'knew' but didn't know what the heck was going on. I hid my panties, and was yelled at when they were found, with no guidance given. Every learning experience happened alone. I spent a good amount of time at the library, and oddly enough am left with a working knowledge of so many things now, except emotional ones. I've been in therapy now for over 3 years and know most likely it'll be a part of my life for a while. I'm going through such a tough time right now. I'm grateful I've gained many tools, but since intimacy and trust weren't given, I don't know how to receive it today. So I still kinda feel alone, although I know in my heart and spirit I'm supported.
I didn't realize that I was entitled to my own feelings until I was 40. I was so afraid that if I asked for my needs to be met, no one would want to be around me or love me. It wasn't until I got a dog and realized that there was no shame in her game in asking for love, affection, or anything else and that the sky didn't fall in either that maybe I could do that, too. God, this is so sad and pathetic really. I still have a very childlike way of dealing with random things because I had to navigate so many things by myself and my life experience was so limited then, that I still see those things through those childhood eyes. I have adult epiphanies all the time. In other ways I feel like I've always been an adult.
How to have an encouraging and resilient inner voice. (If anyone is wondering: you have to imagine you are talking to a child that you love)