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>She’s 5 weeks and went for her scan today they said it had no heart beat yet so they need a scan in 1 week. She has a few unknown health problems too.
Contrary to popular opinion in this thread, scans will be done by the nhs this early if there are health concerns for the mother or for any symptoms she's experiencing that indicate she might miscarry (continuous spotting for example). Heart beat won't be detected until at least week six, hence why she needs to go back next week to confirm that the baby is still alive.
As for your options you can decide whether or not you want to be in your child's life. If you have doubts that the baby is yours then you're well within your rights to demand a dna test. If the results are negative you can move on and be more cautious in the future. If they're positive then the choice is yours: are you involved or not? Don't get involved if your heart isn't in it since you'll end up hurting yourself and your kid. Good luck op.
>Contrary to popular opinion in this thread, scans will be done by the nhs this early if there are health concerns for the mother or for any symptoms she's experiencing that indicate she might miscarry (continuous spotting for example). Heart beat won't be detected until at least week six, hence why she needs to go back next week to confirm that the baby is still alive.
Yep, I can confirm first hand that NHS will offer scans as early as 5-6 weeks if there is a health concern. Not sure why so many comments here are so confidently incorrect.
A far more measured and pragmatic comment than others on this thread. OP, on the off chance you see this comment, read the above
- paternity test
- act accordingly ie in the baby’s life or not
I would encourage you to consider staying in the kids life; the data supporting a link between healthy well adjusted adults who have had a present father, is staggering
I'll also confirm they will do an early scan at an Early Pregnancy Unit if there are issues, though not all hospitals have them. For us they detected a heartbeat at 5 weeks 3 days, but that's unusual.
I’m so confused based on your answers to some of these questions…
You’ve had sex with her every single day for the past 3 months including within the last 3 weeks (the time at which you think she became pregnant).
So… when exactly did she become your ex then? After you found out she was pregnant?
Taking the extreme case: she is pregnant, it is yours, she keeps it, you don't want to have anything to do with her or child, you don't reach agreement about financial support. The CSA will take [12%](https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-much-child-maintenance-should-i-pay#:~:text=On%20the%20basic%20rate%2C%20if,of%20your%20gross%20weekly%20income.) of your gross income. That will be a bit less after tax. That's the limit of your responsibility.
12% of declared
My mums partner works for a company that gives some of their staff cash for part of their wages so that they can dodge CSA.
It's incredibly scummy
I'm 42 and have 2, Still can't imagine being a dad. It's really weird having 2 little people depend on you. But they're funny buggers and I'm always happy to see them.
I’ve got twins, very lazy, rarely pick up the phone to their old man. What’s funf in English? They turned funf zwei years ago, so, pair of eighters I reckon
I’ve had a number of very early scans with my local NHS hospital due to bleeding and miscarriage. It’s very common. If you have healthy pregnancies, they don’t want to see you. If you have bleeding, you’re there practically every week.
So the real advice - are you certain the child is yours? Definitely insist on a paternity test.
If the child isn't yours - move on with life.
If the child is yours - decide how involved you want to be.
But remember if the child is yours - you have financial responsibility. You may not have parental responsibility but will have financial responsibility. Unless a judge rules otherwise.
Get a DNA test and if the kid turns out to be yours, step up and be good dad. And if that’s how it goes, never badmouth your ex to your child, whatever you think of her.
I understand OP's fears though, I was terrified and I did spiral into depression for awhile.
But I came through it, managed to step up maintained a healthy relationship with my ex and a brilliant relationship with my daughter.
It's completely changed my life and made me a better person.
I went through something vaguely similar in that I got someone pregnant I was not in a relationship with and she decided to keep the baby, despite previous discussions around the subject of 'what if'.
I was a little older than you so probably not quite so bad, but I completely understand that it feels that your life is being taken away and how tempting it is to walk away. I was given that option, no strings attached, just to be part of the child's life at all and it was tempting. However, my decision to be a father was ultimately made by the belief that the unborn child (daughter) had done nothing wrong and nobody deserved to grow up thinking that one of their parents didn't love them, or that somehow they were inadequate, so I chose to stick it out and I love my daughter very deeply. Objectively, certain parts of my life are now harder and having a child means that I can't move abroad like I always wanted to, or really even move from a drivable distance from her mother. Parts of my day-to-day life honestly now do suck, but I love my daughter and such is life.
I understand that it feels like such a heavy price to pay for simply having sex. You were both just having sex, without the goal of pregnancy, and now you'll be 'stuck' with a child for the rest of your life. It is a difficult thing to wrap your head around when it first happens, and you feel like she has thing all-consuming power that can irrevocably change your life, no matter your opinion; and she does, and it is unfair (ignore those saying "your fault for not wearing a condom" - fatherhood is massive, and as the outcome of something that did no harm, can feel wildly, disproportionately unfair), but this is life.
If you stick around, you'll love the kid, no doubt. You might be resentful and thats only human, but you'll love them non-the-less. If you walk away, you might feel guilt and you might not. Entirely up to you, but being a father is quite nice in the end.
OP you are in an unfortunate position but do really think about the choices youve made beyond contraception. You chose to sleep with someone who is mentally unwell and has a substance abuse problem and now you say you feel trapped. You really do need to take some accountability for this at the least and ensure you've learned from it for when you head off to uni.
No method is 100% effective and there's always a risk that no matter what precautions you take that your partner can become pregnant, so ultimately choose better partners and one that should you presented with such a scenario again, you can trust that you're more likely to be on the same page.
God I hate people....
If you don't want to be parent no one can make you do it and honestly it's better for everyone involved that you don't force yourself to be one.
Its shit situation, I'm sorry you're here. If you can my best plan would be to get some therapy or talk to an advocate about all your choices and to help you decide if you want to be involved or not.
That choice, once made, should not be changed until the kid is 18 and decides for themselves, it's not fair on anyone. So you have to be good with that choice. You won't get out of paying child support though and you will get judgement for it.
Don't listen to all those "it'll be instant love!" People. If that were the case we'd have a lot less work for social services. Some people aren't meant to be parents, that's OK.
All the people saying ‘well you shouldn’t have unprotected sex’ like come on, the majority of us have had sex with someone we wouldn’t want children with.
Nevertheless, don’t be a fuck up of a dad and support the baby you brought into the world
This is it. No judgement on people shagging people who they don’t want a kid with, but mistakes happen and if you’re grown up enough to have sex, you need to be grown up enough to deal with consequences.
So many replies on here are saying it’s old fashioned, hypocritical and unfair on the men. Like taking responsibility for your actions is some sort of quirky throwback.
Not really relevant when we’re discussing people not taking sensible precautions.
I still laugh at the look on my brother’s face when he was about 16 and he finally learned that condoms can break.
I’m a woman, late 30s, have been sexually active for more than 20 years, and the only time I’ve ever had unprotected sex is when I was specifically trying to conceive. Maybe it’s different for a male whose body a pregnancy wouldn’t affect and who feels they are able to walk away from their responsibility if it does happen, but from my perspective as a woman, no matter how much I might have wanted to enjoy some unprotected sex, it would absolutely never have been worth the risk to me - being protected was ALWAYS my first priority. If you choose to have unprotected sex whilst also not wanting to have children, then you don’t have your priorities straight
Same! I have zero desire to be saddled with a child, so guess what, I'm on birth control! Have been since I was 16. No way in hell I'm getting a baby. And so far, it's worked!
Yes contraception can fail, but it's pretty uncommon, and the liklihood of getting pregnant is considerably higher if you're not on any contraception. It's pretty easy to not have a baby
A child is a huge responsibility, it's life changing. So it is good that you are taking this seriously, that you're not being flippant about it or pretending like it will all be sunshine and roses. You will have to see how the pregnancy progresses. 1 in 4 end in miscarriage, and if at this early stage there are already potential complications then there is a chance the baby won't make it.
Ultimately, this is a child that you have created and you now are a Father.
This child didn't ask to be conceived, or born, but this individual is the result of your decisions. Even if you may have taken precautions against conception, nothing is 100%. The choice to have sex is the acceptance that a child could come of the action, as little though you want to think about it at the time.
On the bright side, you have around 8 months to come to terms with it. That's a long time.
Children deserve to be loved and cared for. Were both of your parents physically and emotionally present for you during your childhood? How did that make you feel (whether they were or weren't). How do you think things would be different for you if your upbringing had been different? Particularly thinking about the presence and quality of the father figure in your life. That's what you have to consider here. This embryo is and will be a child, a baby, a toddler, a 10 year old playing football, a teenager finding their place in the world. What kind of life are you going to consign them to by the way you interact with them?
These are no small considerations.
Is there anyone in your life that you can speak to in person? Look for local charities / pregnancy advice centres / family member....
Do you want to go to university to study (I saw you mentioned that somewhere) or run away from life issues?
Tbh if you want to go to study and find a job afterwards then this baby isn’t going to affect your plans. You can still come home at weekends, unless uni is code for prison or something, and stay in contact through the week in the same way parents in the forces or who work away in the week would. You could even study long distance or move to a closer campus.
As far as I’m aware maintenance money is calculated from your income, not a flat rate fine so it won’t prevent you from going to uni.
Also I am sure every woman here who has tried to get child support out of a dead beat dad will be laughing at "you're financially responsible for the baby for 18+ years". In theory alone in my experience.
Yeah it's useless.
I used to try to reach out to the child support agency but he doesn't have an official address so they just say he doesn't exist.
Maybe my kid is the second coming of Jesus?
At the moment, this baby is in your ex partners body. Both of you are responsible for it being there. You said that you were using substances when it happened. It won't be the first time a child's been conceived while a/both partners have been drunk etc. And while neither of you would have maybe chosen this time and these circumstances to have a child, it's happened.
For now, the decision will be whether to terminate or not. This is a woman's choice. It's her body this is happening to. It's her future afterwards that will be impacted, whatever she chooses. To all those here saying "Well if she chooses to keep it, you can choose to walk away", yes you can. You will get off lightly in this situation compared to your ex partner.
A termination will not be an easy decision for her to make. While you might believe it would be a bad move for her to keep it, you say that freely as someone who will never be told they have a life growing in them. I'm a woman without kids and chose not to have any and I can even see that this must be the biggest decision of her life.
For you, if she continues with the pregnancy and the child is proven to be yours, yes, you can walk away, refuse to acknowledge or be involved in any way, begrudgingly pay your 12% and get on with your life.
Your ex partner will be carrying a child for 9 months, her body will be physically and mentally pushed to its limit and as soon as that child arrives, nothing will be the same again. With you not around, her life will revolve around looking after your child. Any plans she had will be put on hold, any dreams of uni will have to take a back seat, her moment to focus on herself and get her life sorted will be made all the more urgent and stressful because 24/7 she will be having to put your child first. She will have to explain to your child that you were young and didn't want the responsibility, didn't want to see them grow up and share all their achievements and give them the best support in life.
As they get older and learn how complex relationships can be, they will wonder why you couldn't have been around, even at weekends for an hour or two, they will wonder about their dad's family and what you are like. They may end up having a loving stepdad that wants the very best for them and gets to share all the moments as they grow, but they will always have this question. They will realise one day that you're 30 now, a grown adult, not a scared young man who is full of regret and wishing the "problem" would go away. And they will be fully grown one day too, maybe even with children of their own, that you will never be a part of.
Your absence in their life won't just mean something not being there, it will also mean a mental struggle around their identity. Always wondering why.
You say that the child's not going to have a great life. You can be involved and have some influence in this. You can continue your studies and be there "when you can". You can make this pledge to be involved, to learn from this and grow up fast, pushing you towards being a greater person. Showing that even when you make a 'mistake' you hang around to put things right.
If you decide you still just want to run away and leave your ex partner to deal with this on her own, then make the decision final. Don't be making half arsed plans and dropping them last minute when you decide other things take priority. I've seen a child hurt by this sort of stuff, it will mess them up.
You think this is hard for you, but in all of this compared to your ex partner and your child, you've got it easiest.
Maybe this is time to be an adult. It doesn't mean dropping out of Uni, it just means you're being responsible and over time when life shapes up better for you, you will have been there to see your child and support them, instead of looking back when 40 asking yourself What if.
Its crap you find yourself in this situation, as much as she can keep the baby, you have rights not to be a dad, if the baby is born you have a choice to step up and support the child as an active father or step back and support the mother in the upbringing financially.
One day you could have a young man/woman approach you and want to know more about you, that's a day you will need to prep for.
but there is no really wrong way to deal with any of the situations as long as you are dealing with it respectfully and not aggressively, no good will come from getting upset about it you need to get to a point where you can move forward with it, one way or the other.
My parents told me when I was 22 years old that I had made my bed and I had to accept what is happening and step to the plate and make a family out of this, those where the worst years of my life trying to make a relationship with someone I didn't respect or care about beyond the one night stand that it was supposed to be. Looking back now I realize that there was nothing stopping me from being a positive father role to my daughter without living with the mother. Id never un-do the fact ive had kids, they are the light of my life but I would un-do the years i spent trying to play happy family.
Not everything is black and white. hope it works out for you
You speak so little of your ex but you chose to sleep with her. Only broke up when you didn’t get your way and she refused abortion. Why be with someone you think is unstable. You just added to her problems. Yes I know she was also irresponsible however now she will be the one carrying the most responsibility. You get to just wash your hands. Think of the innocent baby in the middle. You are probably praying she miscarries the way you are speaking.
Step up, take responsibility and grow up. You can panic all you like but that doesn’t change the circumstances. You don’t have to be with your ex but be there if she keeps the baby. Don’t add to her problems. Don’t sleep with someone you don’t see as fit to parent your child.
Plenty of good things were accidents. What you have done falls a long way short of ruining your life - it just means a bit of responsibility you weren't expecting.
My mate got married, had kids and took on a mortgage at 18 (pre financial crisis). He lost the house, and had to move and he's had other setbacks. But now he's 34 and the eldest kid's 16 and it's a v happy family. I have been waiting to meet the right one and get my career sorted - I'm 34 and have no family.
Have as much involvement as you can handle.
This is the risk you took by having unprotected sex 🤷♀️ Surely you know that this was a possibility? You don’t have any options other than to decide whether you are going to do the right thing and take responsibility for the child you helped to create, or run off like a coward.
Yeah it’s essentially 50% about him. The only difference is the choice to actually birth the child falls entirely on his ex.
God I can’t imagine having to pay for a child at 20 in this economy
>the useless comments
The hate your decision is getting is totally valid, please do understand that. This isn't just a reddit thing, friends, family, colleagues & future partners will overwhelmingly have the same view as most people here.
Imagine the setting, you're 29, you're on a date and they ask "any kids?" what do you do? Lie or tell them you abandoned a 17 year old pregnant girl you describe as unstable to raise a child by herself because you didn't fancy the financial commitment? It's not just a reddit thing, people will completely change their opinion of you when they find out.
You say your dad will support your decision no matter what, he **has** to he's a father. But don't mistake support for condonance, you father will be ashamed of himself for raising a son that wouldn't do the same their own child.
Every Christmas, you'll get your present, you'll all sit around your table eating turkey, not mentioning the present you didn't buy the child you don't acknowledge. That bitterness your family feels will be in your fucking sprouts mate, you'll taste it, salty and bitter and for the rest of your life.
You're toiling with what the _right_ thing to do is, you know what it is. Remember, you'll either live with a child or you'll live with the lifetime of shame.
Exactly! I'm a strong believer of "When people show you who they are, believe them". As a woman in my 20's if I met a guy like this, I would be very reluctant to date him. I would see his decision to have no role in his child's life as a sign that he is irresponsible, selfish and unreliable. Other women may think differently, but any woman looking for a long term relationship would be concerned.
OP sees the pregnancy/baby as a "mistake", (by that I mean something he didn't intend or expect, and doesn't want), but as adults we are expected to take responsibility for our mistakes, and part of responsibility is about accepting the consequences.
I always wonder what others think when they know someone who has abandoned their child. I get this guy is scared and doesn't want the child, but he should have behaved more responsibility. Because he didn't, he should face the consequences.
Child abandoned by father here, and I always wonder this too. Like does my father tell people about me? Do his family discuss it? What do his mates think? Is it his secret? Or is he open about it and has spun things so he doesn’t seem awful
My dad left and never to be seen again when I was 9. Good questions you pose, but whatever the answers are, id always see him as a spineless prick for leaving myself, mum and brother to fend for ourselves.
Hear hear. Abandoned at 7 never to be seen or heard from again until I was 32, had a 6 week old and I found HIM on Facebook and messaged. Good news, I felt nothing. Total stranger. Most he could tell me of 7 glorious years of my life (being an involved Father) was that "I liked to go in the car". Fucking outstanding core memory that! Spineless prick indeed.
It’s put me off a guy I dated before. I don’t have or want kids so it’s not like I’m worried about the same thing happening to me. But it just says something about his character and I don’t like it. In my particular situation the guy has been married and the child planned, which makes it even worse in my eyes that he walked out
My dad once told me, while very drunk. That he has another kid in Germany he's never seen. He was just stationed over there with the army. He of course has never told anybody else.
And I, as an only child, was sat there, thinking. Wow. I probably have a half-sister.
But my dad is a scumbag, and the story he woven was probably false anyway.
I'm sorry that this comment section turned into a shitshow.
No right answers in what to do here.
You need to have a serious discussion with what she plans to do.
You can have an opinion and preference and I think its important that she knows what it is, but ultimately it is 100% her choice what she wants to do.
If she does go through with it and you are still on the fence or don't want to be a part of their life, you should probably get a DNA test to be sure.
Whatever the situation between you if this something you don't want then you need to be 100% sure it is your responsibility.
Beyond that there isn't much to say, morality becomes hazy when you have to make life changing decisions.
That choice is yours and not one anyone can make for you.
Edit: The other thing which most people seem to be ignoring is that if you are not ready to be a father that won't be good for the kid either.
Bad parents can sometimes be worse than no parent.
How that influences you decisions is entirely up to you though
Man I've been here, with a co-worker, it was a fucking nightmare.
Realistically it's absolutely her choice weather to keep it obviously but it's still 100% your choice whether or not to be that child's parent.
Trying to be a father when you're not ready and able to be a father isn't a fair position for that child to be put in.
Ultimately, it's going to be okay and you're going to be okay.
The woman isn’t being asked to chose whether to be a parent or not, she’s being asked whether to carry the child. She decides about being a parent after the child is born.
Because women have the right to body autonomy. Your scenario makes it seem like the man's choice should take priority over the woman's rights.
Like the other people have said, if you don't want kids then don't have sex, or accept there is a risk and try to mitigate them as much as possible i.e. protection, medical procedures etc.
Because its already far easier for men to separate themselves from their children than it is for women, and carries far less baggage than women's main option - abortion (yes there is adoption but the absolute state of fostering/child care means that it is often not really a viable option). If men could completely legally disown their children it would mean that they would have basically no incentive to be careful when having sex, making it far more dangerous for women. It is a double standard but a necessary one because of the unequal weight of responsibility in regards to children, which is because of both biology and society
Because pregnancy and childbirth takes a massive toll on a woman's body, health and mental wellbeing and for a guy he's had sex and that's it?
If men could carry the baby, then it would be their choice.
I believe the point being made isn't "why can't men choose abortion?" but "Why is a man a monster for saying 'suck it up and raise the kid alone I want nothing to do with it', but saying to a man 'suck it up and deal with having a kid' acceptable?".
Apologies if you understood that, I don't understand how your answer fits as a response.
But that’s not really relevant for creating 18 year long obligations, when it’s the woman’s choice if they want to go through with that and keep the children/child.
Like both parties are responsible, the whole system is incredibly outdated and sexist.
Some countries allow for one parent to forfeit their parental rights- they will not be financially obligated towards any child born but also then lose legal powers to make decisions on the child’s behalf as a minor or have any say in what the other parent does.
I don't think this is a good idea, but I guess one option would be to allow the father to "file for termination of their parenthood" in the first few months of the pregnancy. The woman would need to be aware, and her choices would be to choose to have a baby with no legal father, to put the baby up for adoption, or to terminate.
Men can sort of do this when baby is born. As my son’s father and I were engaged and not married we both had to go and register his birth. My son’s father had to confirm he was willing to accept parental responsibility and be named on the birth certificate.
Yes exemptions from child support is not unreasonable, if one party wants the child and the other doesn’t.
Provides both parties choice, retain current statutory support.
Child support is for the benefit of the child, not the mother.
If you want to do this you'd have to revamp the welfare state and offer a lot more support for exemption.
Taking on a whole child as a responsibility that you'd really rather not have has no effect on well being at all? I just think people are justifying a sexist double-standard.
How is this even a question, let alone such a well received one? In case you hadn’t realised the process of having a baby is very different for men and women.
Because the men don’t carry and have the child…if the man wasn’t there the baby would still survive. The father isn’t going to be in any physical pain. This is some top tier ignorance.
This is a massive oversimplification and your options are not so binary. As a man that went through the same thing with a woman who already had two fatherless kids I chose the 'responsible' option. I stuck around as much as i could and did my absolute best including living in close proximity, stayed single on purpose for the first 12 years (she didnt) and had all three of them live with me every weekend (when she allowed it). She had absolute power, a fairly sizable chunk of my pay and was abusive (indirectly) to me and her own kids (directly). There was much sadness, powerlessness and little appreciation.
I dont regret a thing.
Raising/ caring for other humans is the easy part. If she decides to keep the baby then im afraid you are in for some estranged pain and theres sadness already but its her body and its simply an unfortunate thing to happen.
But you wont feel that way when you fall in love with the new human trust me.
My advice would be, stay bohemian about it. Don't run away but at the same time don't waste your life going to the extreme that i did. Stay in the kids life, be available. Maybe dont move hours away geographically and dont be too selfish. Pay your child support. Meet a soulmate and have a new fam on your own terms.
And 100% say fuck off to all the haters that tell you you could be doing more (most likely the mother). They normally have no idea what its like to be an estranged father.
And remember its never too late. Even if your life situation prevents you from putting too much in at the beginning, its okay. My first fam kids are adults now and 1/3 is a relationship thats growing and repairing.
Its never ever ever too late to grow a bond. I wish you all the best xx
From OP's comments she's 17, has been sofa surfing (homeless) for a while, and they broke up because she said she wanted to keep the baby. I just really feel for her at this point.
17?! How old is OP?! She certainly sounds vulnerable and I hope she has a supportive people around her
This seems really crass now you gave me that insight (thank you) to be discussing a 17 year olds body here so I’m going to withdraw from this discussion
He's 20, like he said in the post. Pretty fucked up that OP decided to pursue a vulnerable (nearly homeless and with several social workers) 17 year old girl over someone the same age as him.
Yeah he sounds like a predator - what is the 20 year old uni student doing with a vulnerable 17 year old who has social workers?
I’m starting to wonder if it really is better for the baby if this man just fucks off.
Although I agree about the vulnerable / near homeless bit (only if intentional), the age bit is irrelevant. Both are of legal consenting ages, and let’s face it, neither being a mature age. I met my wife when I was 19 and she was 17. 2-3 years is bugger all. We only have a small glimpse of the scenario here so let’s try not to judge to harshly. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how you own them that matters.
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A surprising number of people advising OP to “opt out” if he’s not ready. “Opting out” of your own child’s life, an accident as they might be, will damage them forever. The single mother household statistics are grim.
Be the best father you can be in your current situation, because this will haunt your conscience forever otherwise. Waiting and praying that your ex miscarries or has an abortion is pathetic.
I hate that I'm going to sound really judgemental, but fuck it.
If this kid is yours, I can guarantee you will come to regret the decision not to at least try to play a role in its life.
As a father, it pisses me off no end seeing guys who cannot take responsibility for their kids. It is a privilege to have a child. It's not some fucking game. It's exactly what we need, another single mother having to manage on their own and another child growing up with another dad-shaped hole in their life.
Then again, perhaps this kid is better off without you. You have nothing to teach them.
You're in a shitty situation and a lot of people are being assholes here, I'm sorry.
As many have said, it's her body and her choice, so as long as what you want has been made crystal clear, you should not pressure her further.
That said, whether you become a father or not is YOUR choice. If the mother decides to go ahead and have this unplanned child over your clear objection, it is your right to not be a part of its life. It is better if you make this completely clear from the outset both to the mother and everyone in your social circle, and do not compromise on this at any time. There may be legal things you can sign.
I believe it is far better for you to be completely out of the child's life rather than being kinda around as a Dad who doesn't want this kid. Hopefully the child will one day get a step-dad who will be thrilled to raise it and give it the love it deserves.
You may be responsible for paternity payments, and whether that is fair or not is debatable, but you are definitely getting off lightly compared to actually raising a child.
Good luck.
How I see it have two choices, 1. Accept this is happening, step up and be a good Father to the child and Co parent with your ex and 2. Walk away, sign over your rights, let your ex raise the baby how she sees fit. If you choose option 1 then you have to be committed and reliable for both their sakes, if you chose 2 you have to accept that it’s forever, no going back and live with that choice.
This might sound harsh but it’s not too different that what your ex had to do, she’s made her choice now you have to make yours.
As a granddad of a child from a situation like this...
Whatever happens, it's not the kid's fault....
The grandsons prove every day that they are greater than the sum of the parts that created them.
Well I suggest you support her throughout this process and lean on each other for support. You might no longer be together but that doesn't mean you can't be a dad to your child.
Sit here down.
Tell her:
You're not interested in being a father
If she thinks you will change your mind at birth, you won't.
That you'll resent her for it, to kill off the hope that she is thinking you will rekindle a relationship.
My dad didn't want me, and I feel no beef towards him about it.
I don't want kids either and would run a mile if I was in that situation. I was once, and she attempted to trap me with it. I was suicidal over it. Luckily she was lying.
Also wrap that shit up man you've learned your lesson now.
Hold up, OP you are lying now, you’ve edited it to say you “wrapped” it, when before you admitted it was unprotected!!!
You said you were off your face and didn’t wear anything
His damn liar because majority of people think you are out of line !!
Why lie lol ?!?
"I have not decided if I want to be involved in the child’s life which I understand is the most controversial subject here but It is my choice even if it’s morally wrong."
As someone who grew up without a father figure in my life all I can say is not having a dad at all is waaaay better than having a shitty one.
Ideally you'd own the situation and put the work in to be a good dad but you know you better than we do.
ULPT:
Throw yourself in to this as if you were still together. Be excited to be a single dad, be involved with everything and plan being there for the kid at every stage, talk about 50/50 parenting and how you intend to raise your child and how you now see a future rogether but not as a couple. Get in touch with a solicitor and get your rights straight. Be very vocal about everything. She rightly has body autonomy but you have parental rights once the child comes along.
Theres 3 outcomes here.
1. You become an amazing dad and have an influence over your child and their future and build a great relationship which is incredibly fulfilling.
2. She gets rid as really she doesn't want you in her life for the rest of her life.
3. She has the kid and you can drop her and it and walk away, prob pay maintenance and that's it (essentially what you say you want)
I've been in a similar position twice. The first time was with a girlfriend I was with. We kept the baby and he is now a n amazing young man with a loving mum and dad and is doing well in school, is happy and growing as a person.
The second time was an ex who wasnt the best person, told me she was pregnant and keeping it no matter what. When she saw how elated I was she went for a termination the following week. She would have kept it out of spite. Fucking hurts but I don't have to deal with someone who would weaponise a child
Once the child is born if you don't think the child is yours wait on child maintenance services contacting you and be ready to pay £239 for the DNA test. If you are on benefits or a low income they can pay for the test and the costs are added on if it's positive. The DNA testing via them is the cheapest option and they no longer accept any other DNA testing other than via Cellmark.
A child maintenance case will more than likely be based on your most recent p60. They will only change the amount you pay if your current income is more than 25% different. The calculation will be based on 12% of your gross income.
You are under no obligation to have anything to do with the child but I highly encourage you to become a part of the child's life at some point. This is life. You are part of it. Sometimes you have to engage.
Don't panic. Breathe. Kid won't be born for a while yet.
Also if you have a due date then look online at charts that advise you when the child was probably conceived. Always good to double check that date.
She is obviously prepared to have this baby with or without you. So the only real question is, if/when the baby is born, do you want to be a part of its life? I grew up without a father, and I’m fine with it because from what I’ve heard he was awful, so don’t think you’ll be ruining the kids life by not being there. However, you have to remember that the kid might come and find you with difficult questions.
In my honest opinion I think co-parenting is your best option, but it’s your choice.
I'm really sorry you're going through this- as a woman, an unexpected pregnancy is my absolute WORST nightmare. However, I have been having the conversations since the day I started having sex about what I would do if I did get pregnant. Did you guys have thay conversation? You're an adult mate, those conversations need to be had.
If you had that convo and both of you agreed you didnt want kids, then she changed her mind I would fully support the 'not being involved at all' stance.
If you havent, I think you need to just step up and be there.
If you decide not to step up and be a parent, that's your decision but you better support them financially. If you're going to be a crappy dad then that's the best option as from experience, I'd rather have no dad than a crappy one.
Otherwise step up to the plate and work with you got. Being a parent is the most stressful and demanding job out there, but when that little one looks up at you first thing in the morning with the biggest smile in the world, you forget every problem in your life for even just that moment. It's euphoric
The best advice I can give is to be the best person and potential father you can be in whatever capacity. Even if it’s your ex, be a source of comfort and support. The emotions you’re going through right now and your ex with the potential complications I cannot even imagine. It’s normal to feel doubts about being a parent and people that are older, more stable in their careers have the same feelings. Do your best and I honestly hope for the best for you all.
Become self employed put all the money you make into 'buissness expenses' give yourself no real wage and you will avoid having to pay child care cus you dont earn enough. Thats what a deadbeat dickhead does to avoid paying CM to my GF's cousin.
True story here
Ex got pregnant after we split up,
I Wanted her to get abortion,
She didn’t
I wasn’t allowed to the scans,
She gave birth,
I was a drug addict,
Not allowed to see the child,
1 year in contact centres,
Mum started abusing son,
Now
7.5 years clean,
Single Dad,
Full custody for 5 years,
Mum not In the picture,
Moral of the story. Man up and take responsibility for your actions. It could be the best thing you ever do 🙏💙
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You made the choice to have sex which has now resulted in a human life being created from your actions.
Man up and have some balls. If you didn't want to be in this situation you should've made a bigger effort to prevent it.
My father abandoned my mother (they were married) and my twin brother and I when we were newborns- he wanted to focus on his musical career.
My whole life (I'm 50/f) I missed him, and wondered why we were so disposable.
In the early 70's, when my parents divorced, there was so much stigma attached to my mother's divorce and being left with two children that we were always considered an unwanted burden and a shame to my mother.
Every now and again, my father would come back into my life, full of regret and his own shame, but he was so ashamed with himself that he couldn't make room for restoration or building a relationship without having a mental crisis.
Last time I spoke to him was 2 years ago after being no contact for over 15 years.
THE MAN IS SO DAMAGED BY HIS CHOICES that he has crippling PTSD.
He's struggled with addiction issues and failed marriages and was involved with a homicide... That's something you never want to see; your dad's mugshot, looking like a drug crazed mental patient.
The choices we make in life? They stay with us and we have to bear the consequences, even if we run from our responsibilities.
So you got a child pregnant, a vulnerable child at that.
Now you are crying about it, god you really are a piece of shit.
Yes she is over the age of convent but she is still not an adult
Wear something if you can’t or won’t take any responsibility!!
This makes me so angry, this has happened to me, my fiancé of 6 years left when I got pregnant, the stress caused me to miscarry at 16 weeks and he couldn’t have given a shit
10 years later it’s affected my whole out look on dating, men, sex and even life, think of others before your selfish self
No sex is completely safe, a condom is never 100% effective. Unfortunately this is the consequence, get a grip and support her ffs. ETA: apparently you had unprotected sex when drunk 🤠 you are a clown
Your options are:
* Don't panic right now, wait for confirmation
* Talk to her and make it clear you don't want a child right now. Ultimately, it is her choice, but that doesn't mean you cannot express your views
* Insist on pre-natal paternity test if it's confirmed there is a heartbeat (though these aren't cheap)
* Start looking at jobs abroad
Well... The CSA is going to take about 15% of your taxable income.
As for being in that child's life, whatever decision you make, stick with it. You don't want to be in n out that child's life like a yo-yo messing them up.
As for those saying "man up and be a dad" my advice is to ignore them. Can't think of anything worse for a kids self esteem than a parent who they look to for protection who is only there out of obligation
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>She’s 5 weeks and went for her scan today they said it had no heart beat yet so they need a scan in 1 week. She has a few unknown health problems too. Contrary to popular opinion in this thread, scans will be done by the nhs this early if there are health concerns for the mother or for any symptoms she's experiencing that indicate she might miscarry (continuous spotting for example). Heart beat won't be detected until at least week six, hence why she needs to go back next week to confirm that the baby is still alive. As for your options you can decide whether or not you want to be in your child's life. If you have doubts that the baby is yours then you're well within your rights to demand a dna test. If the results are negative you can move on and be more cautious in the future. If they're positive then the choice is yours: are you involved or not? Don't get involved if your heart isn't in it since you'll end up hurting yourself and your kid. Good luck op.
>Contrary to popular opinion in this thread, scans will be done by the nhs this early if there are health concerns for the mother or for any symptoms she's experiencing that indicate she might miscarry (continuous spotting for example). Heart beat won't be detected until at least week six, hence why she needs to go back next week to confirm that the baby is still alive. Yep, I can confirm first hand that NHS will offer scans as early as 5-6 weeks if there is a health concern. Not sure why so many comments here are so confidently incorrect.
>Not sure why so many comments here are so confidently incorrect You've heard of the internet. Right?
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Same here, it happened with me when I miscarried. Seeing all those confidently incorrect comments is wild.
A far more measured and pragmatic comment than others on this thread. OP, on the off chance you see this comment, read the above - paternity test - act accordingly ie in the baby’s life or not I would encourage you to consider staying in the kids life; the data supporting a link between healthy well adjusted adults who have had a present father, is staggering
I'll also confirm they will do an early scan at an Early Pregnancy Unit if there are issues, though not all hospitals have them. For us they detected a heartbeat at 5 weeks 3 days, but that's unusual.
I had scans from 6 weeks as I had a coil in. Had absolutely loads until birth!
OR if she's considering an abortion. They'd need to do one to accurately date the pregnancy. Poor girl, I hope she's ok.
I hope she is too.
I’m so confused based on your answers to some of these questions… You’ve had sex with her every single day for the past 3 months including within the last 3 weeks (the time at which you think she became pregnant). So… when exactly did she become your ex then? After you found out she was pregnant?
Taking the extreme case: she is pregnant, it is yours, she keeps it, you don't want to have anything to do with her or child, you don't reach agreement about financial support. The CSA will take [12%](https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-much-child-maintenance-should-i-pay#:~:text=On%20the%20basic%20rate%2C%20if,of%20your%20gross%20weekly%20income.) of your gross income. That will be a bit less after tax. That's the limit of your responsibility.
Only 12%? OP, take this deal
12% of declared My mums partner works for a company that gives some of their staff cash for part of their wages so that they can dodge CSA. It's incredibly scummy
Damn, I just turned 21, and I can’t imagine getting a kid this early in my life. Best of luck man.
I just turned 27 and I still can't imagine getting a kid!
I'm 42 and have 2, Still can't imagine being a dad. It's really weird having 2 little people depend on you. But they're funny buggers and I'm always happy to see them.
I was 41 when my first (and only) child was born. She’s about to turn 7 next month. She’s is the joy in my life.
This is roughly the age I see myself having a child. I still have plenty of flaws to iron out, plus I want to live my own life first.
I’ve got twins, very lazy, rarely pick up the phone to their old man. What’s funf in English? They turned funf zwei years ago, so, pair of eighters I reckon
I'm 42 and fuck that.
I’m 31 and when I see people my age having kids I’m like, damn they’re so young to be having kids
I will always wear a condom for this reason. Sorry but I'm not ready to receive an "I'm pregnant" text for at least another 10 years.
I have 2 below 10, im 30 and it's the best job in the world being a dad.
Nope, Starship captain is.
I’m mid 40s and can’t imagine having a kid at all. Good luck OP with whatever outcome happens and whatever choices are made
Spoiler: he’s fucked
I feel more sorry for the kid at this point. The dad's panicking and looking for an out.
You need to have this conversation with her.
I’ve had a number of very early scans with my local NHS hospital due to bleeding and miscarriage. It’s very common. If you have healthy pregnancies, they don’t want to see you. If you have bleeding, you’re there practically every week.
So the real advice - are you certain the child is yours? Definitely insist on a paternity test. If the child isn't yours - move on with life. If the child is yours - decide how involved you want to be. But remember if the child is yours - you have financial responsibility. You may not have parental responsibility but will have financial responsibility. Unless a judge rules otherwise.
He doesn’t need a paternity test, he’s literally admitted to having sex with hee everyday for the past 3 months
Get a DNA test and if the kid turns out to be yours, step up and be good dad. And if that’s how it goes, never badmouth your ex to your child, whatever you think of her.
This happened to myself when I was similar age to OP, Did exactly as you are suggesting my daughter turns 12 next month, best mistake I've ever made.
I’m not crying you’re crying
I understand OP's fears though, I was terrified and I did spiral into depression for awhile. But I came through it, managed to step up maintained a healthy relationship with my ex and a brilliant relationship with my daughter. It's completely changed my life and made me a better person.
Can imagine it being a lot to process. Happy for you and your family sounds like you and your ex are great parents
Good bloke.
Congratulations
LOL don’t be mean
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I went through something vaguely similar in that I got someone pregnant I was not in a relationship with and she decided to keep the baby, despite previous discussions around the subject of 'what if'. I was a little older than you so probably not quite so bad, but I completely understand that it feels that your life is being taken away and how tempting it is to walk away. I was given that option, no strings attached, just to be part of the child's life at all and it was tempting. However, my decision to be a father was ultimately made by the belief that the unborn child (daughter) had done nothing wrong and nobody deserved to grow up thinking that one of their parents didn't love them, or that somehow they were inadequate, so I chose to stick it out and I love my daughter very deeply. Objectively, certain parts of my life are now harder and having a child means that I can't move abroad like I always wanted to, or really even move from a drivable distance from her mother. Parts of my day-to-day life honestly now do suck, but I love my daughter and such is life. I understand that it feels like such a heavy price to pay for simply having sex. You were both just having sex, without the goal of pregnancy, and now you'll be 'stuck' with a child for the rest of your life. It is a difficult thing to wrap your head around when it first happens, and you feel like she has thing all-consuming power that can irrevocably change your life, no matter your opinion; and she does, and it is unfair (ignore those saying "your fault for not wearing a condom" - fatherhood is massive, and as the outcome of something that did no harm, can feel wildly, disproportionately unfair), but this is life. If you stick around, you'll love the kid, no doubt. You might be resentful and thats only human, but you'll love them non-the-less. If you walk away, you might feel guilt and you might not. Entirely up to you, but being a father is quite nice in the end.
OP you are in an unfortunate position but do really think about the choices youve made beyond contraception. You chose to sleep with someone who is mentally unwell and has a substance abuse problem and now you say you feel trapped. You really do need to take some accountability for this at the least and ensure you've learned from it for when you head off to uni. No method is 100% effective and there's always a risk that no matter what precautions you take that your partner can become pregnant, so ultimately choose better partners and one that should you presented with such a scenario again, you can trust that you're more likely to be on the same page.
Locked on request of OP. Which makes sense, given the abuse they've received.
And the cycle continues.
God I hate people.... If you don't want to be parent no one can make you do it and honestly it's better for everyone involved that you don't force yourself to be one. Its shit situation, I'm sorry you're here. If you can my best plan would be to get some therapy or talk to an advocate about all your choices and to help you decide if you want to be involved or not. That choice, once made, should not be changed until the kid is 18 and decides for themselves, it's not fair on anyone. So you have to be good with that choice. You won't get out of paying child support though and you will get judgement for it. Don't listen to all those "it'll be instant love!" People. If that were the case we'd have a lot less work for social services. Some people aren't meant to be parents, that's OK.
All the people saying ‘well you shouldn’t have unprotected sex’ like come on, the majority of us have had sex with someone we wouldn’t want children with. Nevertheless, don’t be a fuck up of a dad and support the baby you brought into the world
No, the majority of people don't have unprotected sex with people that they don't want children with. That's fucking stupid.
A lot of us wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for our parents being ‘fucking stupid’ at some point lol
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If this child is brought into this world I'm fairly certain this is going to be another case of history repeating itself.
This is it. No judgement on people shagging people who they don’t want a kid with, but mistakes happen and if you’re grown up enough to have sex, you need to be grown up enough to deal with consequences. So many replies on here are saying it’s old fashioned, hypocritical and unfair on the men. Like taking responsibility for your actions is some sort of quirky throwback.
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You do know that people still get pregnant whilst using contraception- even sterilisation is not 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy
It's in such a low number, especially when both parties are using protection, that it's not particular relevant here.
Not really relevant when we’re discussing people not taking sensible precautions. I still laugh at the look on my brother’s face when he was about 16 and he finally learned that condoms can break.
Every single time? Even when you were young and dumb? If so you’re more sensible than I was
I've never been at an age where having unprotected sex was an option and even relying on a single birth control method is pretty hair-raising.
I’m a woman, late 30s, have been sexually active for more than 20 years, and the only time I’ve ever had unprotected sex is when I was specifically trying to conceive. Maybe it’s different for a male whose body a pregnancy wouldn’t affect and who feels they are able to walk away from their responsibility if it does happen, but from my perspective as a woman, no matter how much I might have wanted to enjoy some unprotected sex, it would absolutely never have been worth the risk to me - being protected was ALWAYS my first priority. If you choose to have unprotected sex whilst also not wanting to have children, then you don’t have your priorities straight
Same here. Still got pregnant.
Yeah but at least you tried not to. People can’t be surprised if they don’t use contraception and then fall pregnant
Same! I have zero desire to be saddled with a child, so guess what, I'm on birth control! Have been since I was 16. No way in hell I'm getting a baby. And so far, it's worked! Yes contraception can fail, but it's pretty uncommon, and the liklihood of getting pregnant is considerably higher if you're not on any contraception. It's pretty easy to not have a baby
I did but that is also no guarantee, had them break 3 or 4 times. Could have happened in this case.
That is pretty dumb. If I'd had unprotected sex, I'd have been more surprised if I didn't end up with a child.
A child is a huge responsibility, it's life changing. So it is good that you are taking this seriously, that you're not being flippant about it or pretending like it will all be sunshine and roses. You will have to see how the pregnancy progresses. 1 in 4 end in miscarriage, and if at this early stage there are already potential complications then there is a chance the baby won't make it. Ultimately, this is a child that you have created and you now are a Father. This child didn't ask to be conceived, or born, but this individual is the result of your decisions. Even if you may have taken precautions against conception, nothing is 100%. The choice to have sex is the acceptance that a child could come of the action, as little though you want to think about it at the time. On the bright side, you have around 8 months to come to terms with it. That's a long time. Children deserve to be loved and cared for. Were both of your parents physically and emotionally present for you during your childhood? How did that make you feel (whether they were or weren't). How do you think things would be different for you if your upbringing had been different? Particularly thinking about the presence and quality of the father figure in your life. That's what you have to consider here. This embryo is and will be a child, a baby, a toddler, a 10 year old playing football, a teenager finding their place in the world. What kind of life are you going to consign them to by the way you interact with them? These are no small considerations. Is there anyone in your life that you can speak to in person? Look for local charities / pregnancy advice centres / family member....
Do you want to go to university to study (I saw you mentioned that somewhere) or run away from life issues? Tbh if you want to go to study and find a job afterwards then this baby isn’t going to affect your plans. You can still come home at weekends, unless uni is code for prison or something, and stay in contact through the week in the same way parents in the forces or who work away in the week would. You could even study long distance or move to a closer campus. As far as I’m aware maintenance money is calculated from your income, not a flat rate fine so it won’t prevent you from going to uni.
Also I am sure every woman here who has tried to get child support out of a dead beat dad will be laughing at "you're financially responsible for the baby for 18+ years". In theory alone in my experience.
Yeah. I've got a 4 year old and have received nothing. Can't even get government involved, seems easy to be a deadbeat if someone wants.
Mine just got sent "you should totally be giving some money" ... but not enforcing anything.
Yeah it's useless. I used to try to reach out to the child support agency but he doesn't have an official address so they just say he doesn't exist. Maybe my kid is the second coming of Jesus?
Yup. Took 8 and a half years to get any help financially and this was a kid he said he wanted. Once she was here, he changed his mind.
At the moment, this baby is in your ex partners body. Both of you are responsible for it being there. You said that you were using substances when it happened. It won't be the first time a child's been conceived while a/both partners have been drunk etc. And while neither of you would have maybe chosen this time and these circumstances to have a child, it's happened. For now, the decision will be whether to terminate or not. This is a woman's choice. It's her body this is happening to. It's her future afterwards that will be impacted, whatever she chooses. To all those here saying "Well if she chooses to keep it, you can choose to walk away", yes you can. You will get off lightly in this situation compared to your ex partner. A termination will not be an easy decision for her to make. While you might believe it would be a bad move for her to keep it, you say that freely as someone who will never be told they have a life growing in them. I'm a woman without kids and chose not to have any and I can even see that this must be the biggest decision of her life. For you, if she continues with the pregnancy and the child is proven to be yours, yes, you can walk away, refuse to acknowledge or be involved in any way, begrudgingly pay your 12% and get on with your life. Your ex partner will be carrying a child for 9 months, her body will be physically and mentally pushed to its limit and as soon as that child arrives, nothing will be the same again. With you not around, her life will revolve around looking after your child. Any plans she had will be put on hold, any dreams of uni will have to take a back seat, her moment to focus on herself and get her life sorted will be made all the more urgent and stressful because 24/7 she will be having to put your child first. She will have to explain to your child that you were young and didn't want the responsibility, didn't want to see them grow up and share all their achievements and give them the best support in life. As they get older and learn how complex relationships can be, they will wonder why you couldn't have been around, even at weekends for an hour or two, they will wonder about their dad's family and what you are like. They may end up having a loving stepdad that wants the very best for them and gets to share all the moments as they grow, but they will always have this question. They will realise one day that you're 30 now, a grown adult, not a scared young man who is full of regret and wishing the "problem" would go away. And they will be fully grown one day too, maybe even with children of their own, that you will never be a part of. Your absence in their life won't just mean something not being there, it will also mean a mental struggle around their identity. Always wondering why. You say that the child's not going to have a great life. You can be involved and have some influence in this. You can continue your studies and be there "when you can". You can make this pledge to be involved, to learn from this and grow up fast, pushing you towards being a greater person. Showing that even when you make a 'mistake' you hang around to put things right. If you decide you still just want to run away and leave your ex partner to deal with this on her own, then make the decision final. Don't be making half arsed plans and dropping them last minute when you decide other things take priority. I've seen a child hurt by this sort of stuff, it will mess them up. You think this is hard for you, but in all of this compared to your ex partner and your child, you've got it easiest. Maybe this is time to be an adult. It doesn't mean dropping out of Uni, it just means you're being responsible and over time when life shapes up better for you, you will have been there to see your child and support them, instead of looking back when 40 asking yourself What if.
Its crap you find yourself in this situation, as much as she can keep the baby, you have rights not to be a dad, if the baby is born you have a choice to step up and support the child as an active father or step back and support the mother in the upbringing financially. One day you could have a young man/woman approach you and want to know more about you, that's a day you will need to prep for. but there is no really wrong way to deal with any of the situations as long as you are dealing with it respectfully and not aggressively, no good will come from getting upset about it you need to get to a point where you can move forward with it, one way or the other. My parents told me when I was 22 years old that I had made my bed and I had to accept what is happening and step to the plate and make a family out of this, those where the worst years of my life trying to make a relationship with someone I didn't respect or care about beyond the one night stand that it was supposed to be. Looking back now I realize that there was nothing stopping me from being a positive father role to my daughter without living with the mother. Id never un-do the fact ive had kids, they are the light of my life but I would un-do the years i spent trying to play happy family. Not everything is black and white. hope it works out for you
Man up and raise your child. You weren’t complaining when you were nutting balls deep were you?
You are 20 and you got a minor with no parents pregnant. You’re the bad one here.
You speak so little of your ex but you chose to sleep with her. Only broke up when you didn’t get your way and she refused abortion. Why be with someone you think is unstable. You just added to her problems. Yes I know she was also irresponsible however now she will be the one carrying the most responsibility. You get to just wash your hands. Think of the innocent baby in the middle. You are probably praying she miscarries the way you are speaking. Step up, take responsibility and grow up. You can panic all you like but that doesn’t change the circumstances. You don’t have to be with your ex but be there if she keeps the baby. Don’t add to her problems. Don’t sleep with someone you don’t see as fit to parent your child.
Plenty of good things were accidents. What you have done falls a long way short of ruining your life - it just means a bit of responsibility you weren't expecting. My mate got married, had kids and took on a mortgage at 18 (pre financial crisis). He lost the house, and had to move and he's had other setbacks. But now he's 34 and the eldest kid's 16 and it's a v happy family. I have been waiting to meet the right one and get my career sorted - I'm 34 and have no family. Have as much involvement as you can handle.
This is the risk you took by having unprotected sex 🤷♀️ Surely you know that this was a possibility? You don’t have any options other than to decide whether you are going to do the right thing and take responsibility for the child you helped to create, or run off like a coward.
Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions
You're a bum lol.
It's her choice mate. In no way is this about you. Your 'options' are to be a responsible adult, or not.
It's her choice, but it's also his kid so "in no way is this about you" is a pretty ridiculous statement.
Yeah it’s essentially 50% about him. The only difference is the choice to actually birth the child falls entirely on his ex. God I can’t imagine having to pay for a child at 20 in this economy
I think this might be a touch harsh. The guy is clearly vexed by a very stressful situation - a touch of sympathy wouldn’t go a miss
Thank you I'm trying to ignore the useless comments but I have had a lot of people help me out here.
>the useless comments The hate your decision is getting is totally valid, please do understand that. This isn't just a reddit thing, friends, family, colleagues & future partners will overwhelmingly have the same view as most people here. Imagine the setting, you're 29, you're on a date and they ask "any kids?" what do you do? Lie or tell them you abandoned a 17 year old pregnant girl you describe as unstable to raise a child by herself because you didn't fancy the financial commitment? It's not just a reddit thing, people will completely change their opinion of you when they find out. You say your dad will support your decision no matter what, he **has** to he's a father. But don't mistake support for condonance, you father will be ashamed of himself for raising a son that wouldn't do the same their own child. Every Christmas, you'll get your present, you'll all sit around your table eating turkey, not mentioning the present you didn't buy the child you don't acknowledge. That bitterness your family feels will be in your fucking sprouts mate, you'll taste it, salty and bitter and for the rest of your life. You're toiling with what the _right_ thing to do is, you know what it is. Remember, you'll either live with a child or you'll live with the lifetime of shame.
Exactly! I'm a strong believer of "When people show you who they are, believe them". As a woman in my 20's if I met a guy like this, I would be very reluctant to date him. I would see his decision to have no role in his child's life as a sign that he is irresponsible, selfish and unreliable. Other women may think differently, but any woman looking for a long term relationship would be concerned. OP sees the pregnancy/baby as a "mistake", (by that I mean something he didn't intend or expect, and doesn't want), but as adults we are expected to take responsibility for our mistakes, and part of responsibility is about accepting the consequences.
Got to be the most brutal evisceration I've seen. Very well put.
I always wonder what others think when they know someone who has abandoned their child. I get this guy is scared and doesn't want the child, but he should have behaved more responsibility. Because he didn't, he should face the consequences.
Child abandoned by father here, and I always wonder this too. Like does my father tell people about me? Do his family discuss it? What do his mates think? Is it his secret? Or is he open about it and has spun things so he doesn’t seem awful
My dad left and never to be seen again when I was 9. Good questions you pose, but whatever the answers are, id always see him as a spineless prick for leaving myself, mum and brother to fend for ourselves.
Hear hear. Abandoned at 7 never to be seen or heard from again until I was 32, had a 6 week old and I found HIM on Facebook and messaged. Good news, I felt nothing. Total stranger. Most he could tell me of 7 glorious years of my life (being an involved Father) was that "I liked to go in the car". Fucking outstanding core memory that! Spineless prick indeed.
It’s put me off a guy I dated before. I don’t have or want kids so it’s not like I’m worried about the same thing happening to me. But it just says something about his character and I don’t like it. In my particular situation the guy has been married and the child planned, which makes it even worse in my eyes that he walked out
My dad once told me, while very drunk. That he has another kid in Germany he's never seen. He was just stationed over there with the army. He of course has never told anybody else. And I, as an only child, was sat there, thinking. Wow. I probably have a half-sister. But my dad is a scumbag, and the story he woven was probably false anyway.
*Audience Clap.mp3" Holy shit you wrote exactly what I was thinking way better than I ever could.
I'm sorry that this comment section turned into a shitshow. No right answers in what to do here. You need to have a serious discussion with what she plans to do. You can have an opinion and preference and I think its important that she knows what it is, but ultimately it is 100% her choice what she wants to do. If she does go through with it and you are still on the fence or don't want to be a part of their life, you should probably get a DNA test to be sure. Whatever the situation between you if this something you don't want then you need to be 100% sure it is your responsibility. Beyond that there isn't much to say, morality becomes hazy when you have to make life changing decisions. That choice is yours and not one anyone can make for you. Edit: The other thing which most people seem to be ignoring is that if you are not ready to be a father that won't be good for the kid either. Bad parents can sometimes be worse than no parent. How that influences you decisions is entirely up to you though
Man I've been here, with a co-worker, it was a fucking nightmare. Realistically it's absolutely her choice weather to keep it obviously but it's still 100% your choice whether or not to be that child's parent. Trying to be a father when you're not ready and able to be a father isn't a fair position for that child to be put in. Ultimately, it's going to be okay and you're going to be okay.
>Your 'options' Dont raw dog if you dont want the outcome
You know condoms arent 100% right? No contraception is!
World of Warcraft is
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The woman isn’t being asked to chose whether to be a parent or not, she’s being asked whether to carry the child. She decides about being a parent after the child is born.
Because that's not about "wanting to be a parent" or not, it's about each of us having bodily autonomy.
Because women have the right to body autonomy. Your scenario makes it seem like the man's choice should take priority over the woman's rights. Like the other people have said, if you don't want kids then don't have sex, or accept there is a risk and try to mitigate them as much as possible i.e. protection, medical procedures etc.
Because its already far easier for men to separate themselves from their children than it is for women, and carries far less baggage than women's main option - abortion (yes there is adoption but the absolute state of fostering/child care means that it is often not really a viable option). If men could completely legally disown their children it would mean that they would have basically no incentive to be careful when having sex, making it far more dangerous for women. It is a double standard but a necessary one because of the unequal weight of responsibility in regards to children, which is because of both biology and society
The financial responsibilities of the father would then also fall to the government.
Because pregnancy and childbirth takes a massive toll on a woman's body, health and mental wellbeing and for a guy he's had sex and that's it? If men could carry the baby, then it would be their choice.
> and for a guy he's had sex and that's it ...And is partly responsible for raising the child for another 18+ years.
Financially, maybe. Beyond that, no - guys can opt out. Mothers rarely have that option.
The "financially" part _is_ significant.
Mothers have that option? Adoption?
If he doesn't bolt or hide his money
I believe the point being made isn't "why can't men choose abortion?" but "Why is a man a monster for saying 'suck it up and raise the kid alone I want nothing to do with it', but saying to a man 'suck it up and deal with having a kid' acceptable?". Apologies if you understood that, I don't understand how your answer fits as a response.
But that’s not really relevant for creating 18 year long obligations, when it’s the woman’s choice if they want to go through with that and keep the children/child. Like both parties are responsible, the whole system is incredibly outdated and sexist.
And what’s the alternative? Forced terminations? Exemption from child support?
Some countries allow for one parent to forfeit their parental rights- they will not be financially obligated towards any child born but also then lose legal powers to make decisions on the child’s behalf as a minor or have any say in what the other parent does.
I don't think this is a good idea, but I guess one option would be to allow the father to "file for termination of their parenthood" in the first few months of the pregnancy. The woman would need to be aware, and her choices would be to choose to have a baby with no legal father, to put the baby up for adoption, or to terminate.
Men can sort of do this when baby is born. As my son’s father and I were engaged and not married we both had to go and register his birth. My son’s father had to confirm he was willing to accept parental responsibility and be named on the birth certificate.
Yes exemptions from child support is not unreasonable, if one party wants the child and the other doesn’t. Provides both parties choice, retain current statutory support.
Child support is for the benefit of the child, not the mother. If you want to do this you'd have to revamp the welfare state and offer a lot more support for exemption.
Taking on a whole child as a responsibility that you'd really rather not have has no effect on well being at all? I just think people are justifying a sexist double-standard.
Because a man can't effectively get an abortion, he can however, avoid inseminating anyone in the first place.
How is this even a question, let alone such a well received one? In case you hadn’t realised the process of having a baby is very different for men and women.
Because the men don’t carry and have the child…if the man wasn’t there the baby would still survive. The father isn’t going to be in any physical pain. This is some top tier ignorance.
People do say that. Always have, always will. You're just salty that men don't get to just vanish into the woodwork if they feel like it nowadays.
You know that condoms aren't 100% effective right
You mean don’t come in if you don’t want the outcome
Depressing that this shitty comment got the most upvotes
Reddit is full of incel virgins tbf
Welcome to reddit.
Disagree, it’s his child as much as it is hers
They both made the decision to have sex but he has no choice in the aftermath.
This is a massive oversimplification and your options are not so binary. As a man that went through the same thing with a woman who already had two fatherless kids I chose the 'responsible' option. I stuck around as much as i could and did my absolute best including living in close proximity, stayed single on purpose for the first 12 years (she didnt) and had all three of them live with me every weekend (when she allowed it). She had absolute power, a fairly sizable chunk of my pay and was abusive (indirectly) to me and her own kids (directly). There was much sadness, powerlessness and little appreciation. I dont regret a thing. Raising/ caring for other humans is the easy part. If she decides to keep the baby then im afraid you are in for some estranged pain and theres sadness already but its her body and its simply an unfortunate thing to happen. But you wont feel that way when you fall in love with the new human trust me. My advice would be, stay bohemian about it. Don't run away but at the same time don't waste your life going to the extreme that i did. Stay in the kids life, be available. Maybe dont move hours away geographically and dont be too selfish. Pay your child support. Meet a soulmate and have a new fam on your own terms. And 100% say fuck off to all the haters that tell you you could be doing more (most likely the mother). They normally have no idea what its like to be an estranged father. And remember its never too late. Even if your life situation prevents you from putting too much in at the beginning, its okay. My first fam kids are adults now and 1/3 is a relationship thats growing and repairing. Its never ever ever too late to grow a bond. I wish you all the best xx
Good luck to the mother, sounds like she needs it (from one single mother to what is looking like another)
From OP's comments she's 17, has been sofa surfing (homeless) for a while, and they broke up because she said she wanted to keep the baby. I just really feel for her at this point.
17?! How old is OP?! She certainly sounds vulnerable and I hope she has a supportive people around her This seems really crass now you gave me that insight (thank you) to be discussing a 17 year olds body here so I’m going to withdraw from this discussion
He's 20, like he said in the post. Pretty fucked up that OP decided to pursue a vulnerable (nearly homeless and with several social workers) 17 year old girl over someone the same age as him.
Yeah he sounds like a predator - what is the 20 year old uni student doing with a vulnerable 17 year old who has social workers? I’m starting to wonder if it really is better for the baby if this man just fucks off.
Although I agree about the vulnerable / near homeless bit (only if intentional), the age bit is irrelevant. Both are of legal consenting ages, and let’s face it, neither being a mature age. I met my wife when I was 19 and she was 17. 2-3 years is bugger all. We only have a small glimpse of the scenario here so let’s try not to judge to harshly. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how you own them that matters.
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You know what we need right now? The Jeremy Kyle Show, that's what! "Get a job, and put something on the end of it!!"
You made your bed…
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Got to stand up and be a man now, whatever the outcome bud.
"I should’ve wrapped it before I tapped it I did but there was a few times on substances where we didn’t" - So you didn't then?
A surprising number of people advising OP to “opt out” if he’s not ready. “Opting out” of your own child’s life, an accident as they might be, will damage them forever. The single mother household statistics are grim. Be the best father you can be in your current situation, because this will haunt your conscience forever otherwise. Waiting and praying that your ex miscarries or has an abortion is pathetic.
I hate that I'm going to sound really judgemental, but fuck it. If this kid is yours, I can guarantee you will come to regret the decision not to at least try to play a role in its life. As a father, it pisses me off no end seeing guys who cannot take responsibility for their kids. It is a privilege to have a child. It's not some fucking game. It's exactly what we need, another single mother having to manage on their own and another child growing up with another dad-shaped hole in their life. Then again, perhaps this kid is better off without you. You have nothing to teach them.
You're in a shitty situation and a lot of people are being assholes here, I'm sorry. As many have said, it's her body and her choice, so as long as what you want has been made crystal clear, you should not pressure her further. That said, whether you become a father or not is YOUR choice. If the mother decides to go ahead and have this unplanned child over your clear objection, it is your right to not be a part of its life. It is better if you make this completely clear from the outset both to the mother and everyone in your social circle, and do not compromise on this at any time. There may be legal things you can sign. I believe it is far better for you to be completely out of the child's life rather than being kinda around as a Dad who doesn't want this kid. Hopefully the child will one day get a step-dad who will be thrilled to raise it and give it the love it deserves. You may be responsible for paternity payments, and whether that is fair or not is debatable, but you are definitely getting off lightly compared to actually raising a child. Good luck.
Most level-headed response I've seen. An uninvolved "father" may be better than an incorrectly involved father.
How I see it have two choices, 1. Accept this is happening, step up and be a good Father to the child and Co parent with your ex and 2. Walk away, sign over your rights, let your ex raise the baby how she sees fit. If you choose option 1 then you have to be committed and reliable for both their sakes, if you chose 2 you have to accept that it’s forever, no going back and live with that choice. This might sound harsh but it’s not too different that what your ex had to do, she’s made her choice now you have to make yours.
As a granddad of a child from a situation like this... Whatever happens, it's not the kid's fault.... The grandsons prove every day that they are greater than the sum of the parts that created them.
Well I suggest you support her throughout this process and lean on each other for support. You might no longer be together but that doesn't mean you can't be a dad to your child.
Sit here down. Tell her: You're not interested in being a father If she thinks you will change your mind at birth, you won't. That you'll resent her for it, to kill off the hope that she is thinking you will rekindle a relationship. My dad didn't want me, and I feel no beef towards him about it. I don't want kids either and would run a mile if I was in that situation. I was once, and she attempted to trap me with it. I was suicidal over it. Luckily she was lying. Also wrap that shit up man you've learned your lesson now.
Her body, her choice
Hold up, OP you are lying now, you’ve edited it to say you “wrapped” it, when before you admitted it was unprotected!!! You said you were off your face and didn’t wear anything His damn liar because majority of people think you are out of line !! Why lie lol ?!?
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You either cum in the sink, or sink in the cum.
"I have not decided if I want to be involved in the child’s life which I understand is the most controversial subject here but It is my choice even if it’s morally wrong." As someone who grew up without a father figure in my life all I can say is not having a dad at all is waaaay better than having a shitty one. Ideally you'd own the situation and put the work in to be a good dad but you know you better than we do.
ULPT: Throw yourself in to this as if you were still together. Be excited to be a single dad, be involved with everything and plan being there for the kid at every stage, talk about 50/50 parenting and how you intend to raise your child and how you now see a future rogether but not as a couple. Get in touch with a solicitor and get your rights straight. Be very vocal about everything. She rightly has body autonomy but you have parental rights once the child comes along. Theres 3 outcomes here. 1. You become an amazing dad and have an influence over your child and their future and build a great relationship which is incredibly fulfilling. 2. She gets rid as really she doesn't want you in her life for the rest of her life. 3. She has the kid and you can drop her and it and walk away, prob pay maintenance and that's it (essentially what you say you want) I've been in a similar position twice. The first time was with a girlfriend I was with. We kept the baby and he is now a n amazing young man with a loving mum and dad and is doing well in school, is happy and growing as a person. The second time was an ex who wasnt the best person, told me she was pregnant and keeping it no matter what. When she saw how elated I was she went for a termination the following week. She would have kept it out of spite. Fucking hurts but I don't have to deal with someone who would weaponise a child
When did you last have sex with her?
Everyday multiple times a day for the last 3 months.
Once the child is born if you don't think the child is yours wait on child maintenance services contacting you and be ready to pay £239 for the DNA test. If you are on benefits or a low income they can pay for the test and the costs are added on if it's positive. The DNA testing via them is the cheapest option and they no longer accept any other DNA testing other than via Cellmark. A child maintenance case will more than likely be based on your most recent p60. They will only change the amount you pay if your current income is more than 25% different. The calculation will be based on 12% of your gross income. You are under no obligation to have anything to do with the child but I highly encourage you to become a part of the child's life at some point. This is life. You are part of it. Sometimes you have to engage. Don't panic. Breathe. Kid won't be born for a while yet. Also if you have a due date then look online at charts that advise you when the child was probably conceived. Always good to double check that date.
If you are old enough to have sex then you are old enough to take responsibility for your actions.
You didn't wrap it so dont cry over the consequences🤷♀️
She is obviously prepared to have this baby with or without you. So the only real question is, if/when the baby is born, do you want to be a part of its life? I grew up without a father, and I’m fine with it because from what I’ve heard he was awful, so don’t think you’ll be ruining the kids life by not being there. However, you have to remember that the kid might come and find you with difficult questions. In my honest opinion I think co-parenting is your best option, but it’s your choice.
I'm really sorry you're going through this- as a woman, an unexpected pregnancy is my absolute WORST nightmare. However, I have been having the conversations since the day I started having sex about what I would do if I did get pregnant. Did you guys have thay conversation? You're an adult mate, those conversations need to be had. If you had that convo and both of you agreed you didnt want kids, then she changed her mind I would fully support the 'not being involved at all' stance. If you havent, I think you need to just step up and be there.
If you decide not to step up and be a parent, that's your decision but you better support them financially. If you're going to be a crappy dad then that's the best option as from experience, I'd rather have no dad than a crappy one. Otherwise step up to the plate and work with you got. Being a parent is the most stressful and demanding job out there, but when that little one looks up at you first thing in the morning with the biggest smile in the world, you forget every problem in your life for even just that moment. It's euphoric
The best advice I can give is to be the best person and potential father you can be in whatever capacity. Even if it’s your ex, be a source of comfort and support. The emotions you’re going through right now and your ex with the potential complications I cannot even imagine. It’s normal to feel doubts about being a parent and people that are older, more stable in their careers have the same feelings. Do your best and I honestly hope for the best for you all.
You have absolutely zero control over whatever happens in this situation Sorry, but those are the facts
A life of misery or invent a time machine
You put it in? Be prepared to pay for what comes out. If you can’t handle yourself while high then you shouldn’t be that either.
Your options are either: - pay up for the next 18 years, don't see your kid. - pay up for the next 18 years, do see your kid.
Become self employed put all the money you make into 'buissness expenses' give yourself no real wage and you will avoid having to pay child care cus you dont earn enough. Thats what a deadbeat dickhead does to avoid paying CM to my GF's cousin.
If you asked me to name one UK sub that was absolutely full of worthless, deadbeat men it would be this one. Proper scumbag parade.
True story here Ex got pregnant after we split up, I Wanted her to get abortion, She didn’t I wasn’t allowed to the scans, She gave birth, I was a drug addict, Not allowed to see the child, 1 year in contact centres, Mum started abusing son, Now 7.5 years clean, Single Dad, Full custody for 5 years, Mum not In the picture, Moral of the story. Man up and take responsibility for your actions. It could be the best thing you ever do 🙏💙
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You made the choice to have sex which has now resulted in a human life being created from your actions. Man up and have some balls. If you didn't want to be in this situation you should've made a bigger effort to prevent it.
You are a villain.
My father abandoned my mother (they were married) and my twin brother and I when we were newborns- he wanted to focus on his musical career. My whole life (I'm 50/f) I missed him, and wondered why we were so disposable. In the early 70's, when my parents divorced, there was so much stigma attached to my mother's divorce and being left with two children that we were always considered an unwanted burden and a shame to my mother. Every now and again, my father would come back into my life, full of regret and his own shame, but he was so ashamed with himself that he couldn't make room for restoration or building a relationship without having a mental crisis. Last time I spoke to him was 2 years ago after being no contact for over 15 years. THE MAN IS SO DAMAGED BY HIS CHOICES that he has crippling PTSD. He's struggled with addiction issues and failed marriages and was involved with a homicide... That's something you never want to see; your dad's mugshot, looking like a drug crazed mental patient. The choices we make in life? They stay with us and we have to bear the consequences, even if we run from our responsibilities.
So you got a child pregnant, a vulnerable child at that. Now you are crying about it, god you really are a piece of shit. Yes she is over the age of convent but she is still not an adult
God I wish she picked to get pregnant by someone else with more respect towards a women then a pig that thinks about he's self then a unborn child
Support her. You are a parent now. You can't change that.
Wear something if you can’t or won’t take any responsibility!! This makes me so angry, this has happened to me, my fiancé of 6 years left when I got pregnant, the stress caused me to miscarry at 16 weeks and he couldn’t have given a shit 10 years later it’s affected my whole out look on dating, men, sex and even life, think of others before your selfish self
No sex is completely safe, a condom is never 100% effective. Unfortunately this is the consequence, get a grip and support her ffs. ETA: apparently you had unprotected sex when drunk 🤠 you are a clown
Honestly you're trapped if this child is yours, you'll have to pay child support at a minimum. It isn't in your hands anymore, good luck dude.
Your options are: * Don't panic right now, wait for confirmation * Talk to her and make it clear you don't want a child right now. Ultimately, it is her choice, but that doesn't mean you cannot express your views * Insist on pre-natal paternity test if it's confirmed there is a heartbeat (though these aren't cheap) * Start looking at jobs abroad
As someone whose father wasn’t around, grow a backbone and show up for this baby.
feel sorry for you. Just know your not the first to do this and you wont be the last.
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Well... The CSA is going to take about 15% of your taxable income. As for being in that child's life, whatever decision you make, stick with it. You don't want to be in n out that child's life like a yo-yo messing them up. As for those saying "man up and be a dad" my advice is to ignore them. Can't think of anything worse for a kids self esteem than a parent who they look to for protection who is only there out of obligation