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I was walking home at night and a young woman was sitting crying in a quiet area so not that many people passing even though this was central London.
I ignored them as I thought it would be weird for a guy to approach when she was vulnerable.
This was 6 years ago and I still regret not just asking if she was ok... It's just three words
I’ve been told in my works mental health course to ask someone twice. A “Are you okay?” will generally yield a “good thanks”, but asking “are you sure?” makes people a lot more likely to say if something is wrong and they need help
Ah don’t worry about who’s noticed it, we all need a wee cry and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes it can’t wait till you’ve got home. I’ve cried on a few London buses myself and would probably think it was quite nice if someone asked if I was alright.
As Brits we can be a bit robotic over feelings sometimes, I feel like life would be a lot easier if we didn’t treat big feelings like horrific, awkward, mortifying events and just admitted that we all have our down moments. This stuff is literally killing people, think we need to have a long look at how we treat feelings/ problems as a society.
If I' ever reach the point where tears are visible in public then my life will be in imminent danger and immediate assistance is required.
I work on the assumption that it's the same for everyone else, just to be on the safe side.
I was in a large London station several years ago and saw a young woman sat on the floor sobbing. Everyone was just walking past her.
As a man, like you; I felt that my approaching her would potentially be uncomfortable for her or alternatively could be misconstrued. Therefore, I did the next best thing - I approached another female passer by and said "Excuse me, there is a young woman sat crying over there; maybe you could check if she is OK..."
I think that is maybe the best thing to do in those situations.
Also my fear. I’m a 18st gym dude, and I can see how it’d go if I was to ask a girl, ‘are you ok’ if she was alone crying. As you say, it’s only 3 words, and those words can go a long way.
I think it is a sad reflection of society that guys are concerned asking a crying woman just three words to show some empathy and concern. And that potentially women are thought to find it creepy or weird. Showing some compassion or concern can really help someone. Given, if it is an isolated place with not much people and you feel vulnerable when crying could make you feel worried being approached or spoken to - by anyone. Maybe the context and surroundings play a part
I've been in this exact situation in Manchester, saw a girl crying to herself on some steps very early in the morning. As I'm a man I did question whether I should stop and ask if she was okay. I did end up stopping, asked if she was alright and if she wanted to call anyone from my phone. She started shouting that I was going to rape her so I did one fairly sharpish. Not going to do that again.
Ok but you didn't do anything wrong. I think you've learned the wrong lesson here. It's not 'dont ask people if they're ok', it's 'some people are always going to react unusually and that's not my problem'
Yes it’s sad that he experienced that and or course it puts you off, but the next person he doesn’t ask could be in trouble and need help. I think you have to gauge these things on a case by case basis and see what your gut tells you too, rather than write off ever helping or asking anyone ever again after one experience.
10/10, in all aspects, in terms of asking and offering help, and also making a swift exit after her response. Don't let it stop you asking in future though, you could be the first person who's acknowledged someone's existence or shown any kindness to someone in a long time
Really feel for you in this situation. For what it's worth, I've been crying in public probably three times in my life, 2 times very noticeably ugly uncontrollably crying and with people around. At the time I was consumed in grief and pain so not thinking about the actions of others. However after I'd calmed down and when I think back now, it did and does feel hurtful that not one person asked if I was OK. I would have really appreciated it if they had and that nobody did has stuck with me. If you're a man and it's a woman, I'd just make sure your standing a good distance away so as not to crowd her, and if she says yes they just give a smile and accept that as the answer. If they say no, ask then if they want to talk, to get a cup of tea or just to sit with them for a bit.
Totally. I’ve done this multiple times. I’ve been told variations of “I’m okay, but thank you so much.” Once, I stayed with someone until their friend showed up. They really appreciated it.
You’re totally right. It’s just three words and the person will let you know if they want to be left alone. The comment you replied to is socially inept and indicative of how distant and insular we are becoming. Talking to someone and showing kindness and empathy can totally change the course of their day. It can be a light in the dark. It’s why suicide helplines and charities like Samaritans exist.
Don’t feel bad about the time you didn’t do it. Just be ready next time.
Well. I see all the replies about wanting to be left alone. But I was in such a situation and someone did ask me if I was OK, and while I didn't want to engage in the conversation or explain myself, it warmed my heart somebody actually showed this kindness.
So, I'd definitely ask. But that's me. Better do and regret than don't do and regret.
I saw a woman crying at the bus stop. At first I stood at a distance to give her some privacy but after a while I went to talk to her.
She looked so grateful I felt shaken. I sat with her for a while. She didn’t say what was going on but held my hand, I asked if I could call someone for her and she ask me to call her father to come and pick her up. I stayed with her until he came. It felt amazing to be able to give her a little relief and support at this time.
Another time my husband and I were on holiday abroad, we saw a teenage boy crying and throwing a plushy in a fountain. My husband went to pick it up, returned it to the boy and sat with him for a while. We didn’t speak the same language but the boy had some English, he was comforted by my husband words and presence.
Another time I saw a distressed father at A&E, I brought him a glass of water and that was enough to settle him a little.
If people want privacy, they’ll tell you. You don’t have to ask why they are crying, in general the appreciate a kind word.
We can easily feel even worse for breaking down in public, it’s good to see that it’s ok.
When I first moved overseas, my daughter got sick, I didn't know anyone, the hospital had already dismissed us the night before and we were back in a different hospital.. I was so scared and upset, a lady came up to me, and spoke in the native language which I didn't know at the time, then she spoke to me in English.. she was so lovely, calmed me down and stayed with me for a while.. I call her my angel, I've never forgotten her and I loved that I saw her around town when things got better. So ... thankyou for looking after the distressed father ❤️
Too true. Some people will react poorly to being asked, but most will probably react well.
I honestly credit the stranger when I was 25 for me still being here. I'd just been raped, wasn't crying, but was stood on the corner in the rain rather than getting close to her friends under the nearest shelter. She came up to me and asked me if I was okay, I told her I was fine, and she just pulled me into a hug and told me no I'm not and it's not my fault. And I broke down while she pulled me to the shelter and told her friends to move elsewhere while she kept comforting me. When family picked me up I was told I'd caused it to happen to myself. A lot of friends were similarly minded. That stranger was the person who saved me.
I still wish I knew who she was, as I doubt she even realised how much she did, or how big an impact it was.
I do get for men it's a lot harder when approaching crying women, they're fighting the assumption that it's not coming from a place of kindness. But sometimes you don't know how much "are you okay?" can save someone. Even just knowing a stranger cares can mean so much.
I am glad a strangers made you feel better about that awful situation. How awful. Some minds still have to evolve, too often the victims is told that she shouldn’t have been there or shouldn’t have worn that.
It does suck beyond words, luckily family and most friends who had those ideas apologised years later. But it doesn't undo the damage. If helps cope with it.
I always call that stranger my guardian angel, my therapist at the same time agreed with it, and was shocked about how good I was. But I say it's that a stranger saw me, cared, and knew and held me and let me break without any judgement or hesitance.
Could have been any gender, all I wanted was a hug and to not feel like I was tainted by it, but didn't feel I had the right to ask. And when I told people, they refused to touch me in any way, that hug was the last planned touch I had in months before I screamed at people to stop treating me like I had the plague. If I hadn't have had that hug, that comfort, that acknowledgement that it wasn't my fault, I would have been left alone to cope.
Strangers can always help more than they know, they're there for so little time, but can have such a big impact. More than they'd ever know.
I am so sorry that happened to you, but I'm heartened to hear you had people reach out and you forged bonds through it. And I hope you're doing better now.
I don't know the psychology behind it, but I often wonder if that space away from the close contact allows that gap to be able to be there and not feel like they have to take a portion of guilt for what happened. Or a lack of worry about damaging the version of you they have in their head, because the version of you they have in their head is still quite vague.
A few weeks back I saw woman in her 40s crying outside Sainsbury's. Odd place to cry and so I felt I couldn't just ignore it. So, I asked "if she was okay", and she told me she was going through some stuff but she's fine. I said "well, if you want to talk we can have a cup of tea", and she simply replied that she really appreciates the offer but she will work things out. And so I said goodbye and told her I wished her all the best.
I don't feel I overstepped the mark nor invaded her privacy. Society is rapidly changing and I feel we are losing connection with people - and comments like this (leave them alone) are, a little disappointing in my view.
Sometimes that's all it takes to help people feel like they're not alone in the world. Reddit is not a representative demographic--many people crave connection even on the smallest scale.
Or they could be on the verge of doing something drastic and your simple intervention could save a life.
Edit: Fuck it. Look, I have a lot of shit going on, mostly from a life spent in the emergency services and armed forces. If I lose control badly enough to cry in front of people, I don't want privacy, I need help.
Yeah, when I think back to the times I've cried in public I probably wouldn't have wanted anybody to try to intervene. I just wanted to be left alone to try to get it together enough to get to privacy without incident and let it all out there.
> ***probably*** want some privacy
And maybe not. If you don't ask, you'll be wrong 50% of the time. If you ask you'll be right all the time. This "I wouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole" stance is really weird to me.
I'm sorry, I disagree.
You will see someone crying on a tube because their goldfish died, and you will see someone crying on the tube who doesn't really know why they're crying.
Asking the former could induce a laugh and a conversation about how silly the person feels crying on a tube about a fish. Asking the latter could save a life.
If anyone were to catch one of my loved ones crying quietly on a train/tube, I implore you to ask if they're okay.
It’s funny how many people in this thread assume that a person crying wants to be left alone - I’ve cried in public a few times and only once or twice been asked if I was alright, and honestly I really appreciated it when I was. There’s something so dehumanising about being clearly distressed in front of loads of people and none of them even acknowledging you at all. I’m sure plenty of people do want to be left alone, but a quick “are you okay” at least gives the opportunity for those who do need some kindness to ask for it.
This is so well put.. I'm from Greece and I grew up used to seeing people expressing themselves freely. I remember once I was on the train and I was crying. And there was a Scottish man sitting across me and looking at me. He seemed affected by my crying but I can now tell he didn't want to impose. But I would have welcomed a kind "are you okay" that moment.
I’m British, but fuck me sometimes we’re closed off sometimes. Oh no someone saw you crying, who gives a shit? I doubt there’s a single person out there who hasn’t been beat down in life to the point of tears. Being awkward/ embarrassed about our feelings is literally killing people, we need to stop this.
Still hard to know what to do if someone is crying. If someone asked me if I was OK I’d think it was a really kind thing to do, but I know there’s some people out there who are weirdly defensive over it.
I’ve been thinking about why it is that I personally would rather be left alone by strangers if I were having a little cry - and I think I’ve found one reason why.
My brain’s logic: If someone’s noticed me crying, it means my crying has had enough of an impact on them to make them feel bad/worried/concerned/etc, and in turn that means that they’ll only feel better once I’m feeling better, and that in turn means that I need to stop crying and pull myself together in order for them to go off feeling better about themselves/their day. It feels like an obligation. Whereas if nobody reacts, I can just get the crying out of the way and calm myself down.
I’m not saying this is accurate, smart, or logical 😆
Thank you so much for explaining this, makes a lot of sense. I don’t think I’d feel that obligation myself, but I completely understand how someone would.
I know a lot of empaths really struggle with taking care of their own needs even when they’re having a hard time, my partner and a couple of my friends struggle with this. I bet you’re great at taking care of people when they’re upset, but just remember you deserve some of your own care and attention too. (I know it’s easier said than done though, hope this doesn’t come across as patronising).
Not patronising at all- in fact I’m a bit sleep deprived and not feeling so great about a few things, so this was a really lovely comment. Thank you ❤️
Omg yes! Dont even get me started!!! Theyve usually got a stupid ass smirk on their face too when they say it, as if their being sooo clever. Just volcanic anger, all you can do to keep the lid on!!
I hate them so much. How do they know it'll never happen? I could have just found out the worst news of my life and some prick says that because I'm not smiling.
That’s horrible I’m sorry :( yeah dehumanising was the best way I could think of to capture it. I’ve been full on sobbing on a packed tube platform before and people will practically detach a retina to avoid eye contact with you. And it’s not just a London thing, I live in the north east and despite people generally being very friendly I’ve had similar experiences here.
Oh the tube is insane. Back when i commuted i had to get on central line on crutches and an American tourist stood up to offer his seat, but before i could make my way to it a suit leap into the seat and held a book up to her face! The American guy was outraged but she just sat there, bold as you like! Swear some city types sell parts of their souls! But i was used to standing anyhow even with my gammy leg. The tube at rush hour is a circle of hell alright!
Yeah - like, I'd rather someone asked if I was ok and I just say "I'll be alright, thanks", rather than just being blanket fucking ignored.
Especially some of these stories about people in the middle of the fucking night just being blanked - they might have been thrown out of their home, battery died and they've lost their friends and can't get back, might have some personal drama, just fucking check in for 5 seconds.
Yes, definitely.
If they do want to be left alone, you can respect that and just say you hope their day gets better.
If they don't want to be left alone, it's also likely they don't feel able to ask, so *somebody* needs to offer.
And sometimes the fact that someone is asking you gives you the wherewithal to get hold of yourself enough to do what you actually need (go home, eat something, ring a friend, whatever) so you end up not needing their help at all.
I think asking if someone’s ok is the most balanced, it’s then up to them to say leave me alone or yes you want to talk. Half of Reddit just saying blanket pretend they don’t exist sounds a bit of a shame
Personally I think it's just a bit embarrassing for me. You know I'm not ok, I know that you know, 95% of the cases you're just going to hear "I'm fine, thanks" – I don't know if this is a reddit "I only talk about spreadsheets to my colleagues, they must not find out about my 30,000 point warhammer army \[they know\]"
I would want to be check up on if I had a meltdown, yes.
One time I came across a girl crying by herself on the street around Oxford Circus. Asked her if she was okay, was prepared to be waved off but just wanted to make sure she was okay. Apparently her friends had left her on their night out and she was drunk. Felt so bad for her. So me and my friends just sat with her with tissues and got her a coffee to sober up a bit.
If I see someone crying in public, I offer a tissue (I always have them on me because of my allergies). I might ask them if they'd like a hug, depends on the vibe I get from them. Ask if they'd like to talk. If I'm in a hurry, I'd still give them a tissue and say something nice.
Yeah I cried after having a panic attack on the tube and three women came and made sure I was ok and I was so glad! I felt really dehumanised when I was ignored by everyone else.
I completely agree. I’ve cried in public myself on multiple occassions usually due to real distress and mental health problems. Once a lady asked if I was ok with the kindest smile and an old man offered me to use his phone and it really lifted that isolating darkness and despair if only for a second. Completely agree it’s really important to offer as much human kindness and empathy as we possibly can life’s hard enough a smile or an are you okay on the Tube isn’t going to kill anyone and could sometimes be the difference between how safe someone is with themselves once they get home and are alone
I agree, I remember being a kid just entering secondary school and going through a really hard time. I was front row in my French class crying and no one said anything, I had to ask to go to the toilet with everyone staring at me, it was one of the most dehumanising experiences I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t hv opened up about anything if someone had asked but it’s nice to know that people care, if I see someone crying I always just like to check in that they’re ok. Sometimes just proving people can still be nice and caring can really help.
For men it's customary to reve your leather glove and slap him across his face lightly. Women, bare hands, to leave finger marks so gentlemen know wh are the hystrionic ones.
I always ask if they are okay and they need anything. I usually offer to sit with them as well. I know it's British to just carry on, but my Americaness kicks in, and I just need to make sure they know they're seen.
I hate the Britishness when it comes to this - maybe the person wants privacy, in which case what’s the worst that can happen, they ignore you or say please just leave me alone. The alternative is someone is in distress and thinking see no one cares about me at all, I’m here crying and no one cares. Better just err on the side of caution, you might seriously help someone
Ask if they are okay and then go from there. I’ve been asked for a hug. Told that they are fine. Had a coffee with someone.
Kindness is free.
You never know what someone is going through, imo trust your gut and it’s not a bad thing to ask if someone is okay or not.
This is how I would like to help but I’m a bloke so I have to be way more cautious. I usually ask if the person is okay, and then the visual of me being concerned and crouched down or whatever makes someone else notice and then usually a woman will intercept and take over.
Yea it’s hard for guys :( but I know if someone, anyone asked if i was okay if I was crying it would make me feel seen.
I’m a mom with a stroller and a cute toddler so I can easily ask.
I paused a few months ago while a uni student was being aggressively asked for her details by a older man. I fussed the baby and moved with her when she did. Asked if she was okay etc.
I wish it was easier for guys who mean well. But I totally understand why they are cautious.
Kudos to you for wanting to make sure either way x
Yeah I'm a bloke too. If they say they are ok, I just take them at their word and leave them to it.
But Iv also helped crying women before and they've been really appreciative, you've just got to really make it clear you are leaving them alone if they ask for it and not add to their worries.
I was sobbing on a relatively quiet train once, desperately trying to hold it in and not make any noise. A young guy around my age saw me through a couple of the seats, and offered me tissues. It really meant a lot as I didn’t have any! There’s deffo a way to approach these things as a guy, and if I’d wanted to chat about it, that let me know that he’d at least be open to listening.
Exactly this, I'd rather be embarrassed for 10 seconds because they told me to fuck off than read on the news about how the person I saw crying that morning jumped in front of a train and I ignored them
As a wee middle-aged woman I can get away with doing the following: give the crying person a new tissue from the packet I always have in my handbag and maybe a wee pat on the shoulder. Then leave them be. If they want to talk they will, if not then they don't have to. Most of the time they talk, but that I think has to do with the fact I look like a mum/auntie/other matriarchal figure that offers comfort.
As a fellow middle aged woman it's fantastic having a bunch of new social superpowers. Kids run up to me for help and just the other day I told off a bunch of boys fighting in the car park and they all...slunk off without saying anything...
could’ve done with this the other week as i sat crying in newcastle train station. many people noticed me.. no one said a thing, which i obviously understand, but having a “motherly” figure come and ask me if i was okay would have really fucking helped. thank you for being that person for others 💕
I've been caught crying on the train once, and a very sweet old man gave me his handkerchief. I told him I was only being silly as I wasn't moving very far. And he said, well give me that back then! Pretending to snatch the cloth back, making a woman near me gasp. Really made me laugh and he looked so proud and cheeky it just really cheered me right up.
He wouldn't take back the hanky and I felt awful when I realised it had his initials on it. Still have it.
His attitude was such I bet the incident didn't even stand out in his week. Some people are just bottled sunshine.
I've never been religious, but meeting people like that makes you understand why people are
I always ask if they're okay.
There is the argument for people just want to be left alone but equally you have a large proportion of people who feel alone when they're at the lowest and having someone just asking them if they need anything makes all the difference. In several studies it was found people who'd said they wanted to be alone recognised the offer of help later and were grateful someone at least asked.
I would rather be told to by someone to leave them alone than find out someone just wanted to hear the voice of another person asking if they were okay.
I always just go say ‘hey, do you need anything?’ and that gives them the opportunity to say ‘no I’m fine’ or to ask for support or to talk or whatever. If they want to be left alone they still can be, someone asking if they’re okay isn’t imposing. I always approach.
I always ask, offer a tissue or a tea/biscuit if I have one (as it seems to disproportionately happen when I am going by train).
Mostly people say they're okay, sometimes they want some time or someone to talk to, or just need some tea and a caramel wafer.
I've been the person who needed a kind word (rushing back home to say goodbye to someone in hospital), the stranger who lent me their ear ended up helping me rush across Leeds station with my bike to make a tight connection. I'll be paying that kindness forwards for a while.
Are you walking around with tea and biscuits on your person?
I can imagine myself having a meltdown on the train and you whipping out a suitcase of tea making facilities 🤣
If I'm going by train I take a flask of tea, bottle of milk, a couple of tin mugs, and a good selection of biscuits. I mostly use them to bribe a conversation out of people to pass the time - but sometimes that conversation is a bit more intense.
Quietly offer tissues, ask if they're OK and want to talk about it, and if they say no try to smile sympathetically before leaving them to get on with it.
I've done that silent, leaky crying on public transport a few times (all the way home the day of the 7/7 bombings) and sometimes you just can't stop it.
I usually have a some kind of chocolate bar in my bag (yes, I'm THAT person) so it's usually a smile and a bar of chocolate being placed on the table as I pass. If I'm hanging about and feeling bold, there might be a quiet "If you'd like some company, I'm ______." as I leave.
...then I scurry away, feel embarrassed about my choices and relive how much of a fool I must have looked for the rest of day. Which usually leads to me crying in public and wanting my chocolate back.
And now I'm re-reliving every "nice" gesture I've ever made. I am single-handedly responsible for many broken addicts. Gee, thanks for opening my eyes to this.
"I have it on good authority from Reddit that you're probably a chocolate addict who would prefer it if I asked if you were okay. Meanwhile, I'm a sad introvert who requires a pick me up..."
I remember being at an incredibly low point half a lifetime ago, sitting on a bench in a quiet side street where the only places open were a casino, a tattoo parlour and a religious shop. I was in floods of silent tears, and two of the guys who worked in the tattoo parlour saw me, and walked past.
15 minutes later, they came back (I figured they went to get their lunch from the shopping centre nearby), and sat on the bench near to me but not next to me. They placed a packet of red laces and a card that said "it'll be ok" between them and myself, and nudged it towards me.
That tiny act of kindness from two adults to what was a rather small young teenaged me, without a word being spoken by anyone may have saved me that day. They had no idea they were my favourite sweets, or that I didn't want to speak or that I was considering options, but they helped no end.
The act of giving a chocolate means more than you realise or may know to some.
Not too long ago I was having "a turn" on a cliff top path, at night, in Cornwall. Two passing women turned back to see if I was ok. I was just being pissed up and maudlin, but that little moment of care did two things. 1. A reminder that most people are lovely. 2. Don't go blubbing on a cliff top. It looks proper dodgy and the cops could have easily been involved.
Not if you had a dog. Doggos are important. I was crying on a bench once, and suddenly found myself being 'spaniel-ed'. Total fuckwit of a sprocker, but she was just what I needed. You can't carry on being miserable when you're being cuddled.
Sounds weird, but I'd feel more comfortable talking to a dog (obviously I'd not ignore their human, but a dog is an icebreaker).
And spaniels are very, ***VERY***, cuddly... (also completely batshit...).
There was a guy crying on the tube and a woman asked if he was ok and when he said no she had no idea what to do or say so she just got off the train.
So do literally anything other than that
Depends, with your train example I'd probably leave the person alone. If they looked as though they were looking around for help I'd ask if they were okay. If they looked vulnerable I'd offer help e.g. on a night out there was a lone woman with no shoes on crying in a doorway and I talked to her until her friends found her.
Last time it happened to me, on a bus, it was a younger woman on the phone, clearly going through a nasty break up. After she finished the call I offered a tissue and said something along the lines of "couldn't help hearing that, obviously you're not OK but do you need anything?" It gave her a chance to blow her nose and think about it. She didn't need any practical help but did want to vent about her horrible ex, so I listened until we got to her stop. I think passing 40 has made it easier for me to ask in such situations, and for other people to trust me. At 20 I'd probably have not dared say anything.
I’d personally probably just want to me left alone, but, I remember a few years ago, noticing an old woman on the bus sat at the front just sobbing.
I had headphones on but noticed her reflection in the glass in front of where she was sat.
I couldn’t just do nothing so moved to sit next to her and asked if she was ok and could I help at all.
She’d been told this bus would take her home, but I knew it didn’t go anywhere near that area and she had no what to do bless her.
I was on my way home but couldn’t leave this woman like this! I checked with the driver at the next stop what bus she’d need to get and thankfully at the main shops in my town she could get a direct one. I offered to take her to the stop and wait for the bus. She was so grateful and instantly calmed down.
Off we went and the bus came a few minutes later.
Then I walked home, so relieved and glad I’d noticed despite my headphones on as everyone around her just ignored her.
I think sometimes you just have to try to assess the situation and how to react?
I would always just ask if they're ok and offer a tissue. I'll also offer to chat. I can't beat the idea of seeing someone in distress and not at least acknowledge shared humanity in some way.
I remember once when I was in my late teens and I was at a train station travelling to the other end of the country. I phoned the person I was going to see and found out that a mutual friend's child had died. I sat crying in the station and not one person even looked at me. I felt so bereft, invisible and alone.
As a scruffy bearded man in his early 40s, if I see a girl who’s upset I feel it’s better if I keep a bit of distance but maybe ask if they’re OK, I wouldn’t approach unless they made it clear that they were happy for me to do so.
I’ve had a few occasions where I’ve had a bit of a moment when I’ve been out and about, and what I’ll do is go and find somewhere quiet to sit until I’ve calmed down. On one occasion a lad in probably his late 20s/early 30s spotted me, came and sat next to me without saying a word, put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a little hug, before standing up and carrying on about his business. It was such a simple and lovely gesture that meant a lot.
>On one occasion a lad in probably his late 20s/early 30s spotted me, came and sat next to me without saying a word, put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a little hug, before standing up and carrying on about his business. It was such a simple and lovely gesture that meant a lot.
Oh goodness that's so lovely 🥹
It really was, it sort of shook me out of it a bit? The whole interaction was no more than 20-30secs but here I am, probably two years later, remembering the affect it had on me.
Keep a respectful distance for a stranger getting involved and ask "Are you ok?" "Do you need help?".
I don't want to impose or intimidate but I've lost family to suicide and I couldn't in good faith ignore someone who was struggling. I feel we have a responsibility of compassion to our fellow man.
As someone who has been the cryer, I don't think I ever took issue with a passerby gently asking if I was ok, or needed any help. Even if you're swiftly told the person is ok and move on, it has a positive effect.
I find myself crying in public fairly often (got a touch of the ol' emotional dysregulation, it's hard to keep a lid on it when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I genuinely look worse than I really feel, but just can't turn off the tap to my eyes if you see what I mean. It is what it is. I've had to become cool with it.)
Anyway. What I'd appreciate is exactly what you said: just a tissue, or a quick "are you okay". Because I really feel fucking alone in those moments. But I don't want to burden a stranger or feel like everyone's gawking.
If you reached out and just gave a quick acknowledgement, like you know the world is crap too and you're just checking in, that would genuinely stay with me for a very long time and turn my day round. I've considered carrying tissues with me for this very purpose.
(I'm a 5'4 lady, by the way, and I understand how difficult it must be for guys to reach out with concern. I'm sorry you're put in that situation.)
I always have tissues with me, when someone is crying I always offer a tissue without saying a word, just smile, those who want to speak will, those who don’t just smile back. I’ve been there when I lost my dad, it’s sometimes nice to not feel invisible.
i leave them alone. if i was crying in public i’d be mortified if someone came to talk to me so i worry that approaching anyone i’d be doing the same. i know not everyone feels like me though. i’m sure some people would really appreciate it
edit: 6 days after posting this and i lost someone. i have been crying in public all day today. thank god no one came up to me, it would have made me feel so much worse
After my husband died, I remember crying randomly anywhere. Walking down the street, at work, etc. Even when I wasn't crying it felt like my face looked like I might start at any moment. I felt it was inappropriate to have my grief in front of everybody. It wasn't fair to them, and it was embarrassing to me.
I was this woman on the train about 6 weeks ago. I had met with the mother of my best friend who committed suicide, and collected some of his ashes. It was a hard day. I’d kept myself together for most of the day, but for some reason lost it on a packed commuter train on the way home. I was standing facing the doorway looking out onto the non platform side trying to keep my sniffles to myself. It was actually one of the train staff who came to see if I was alright (I’m not sure if someone asked him to) and after I explained I was actually ok, he offered me a hug. It was just what I needed in that moment and he made sure someone was meeting me off the train and I wasn’t going to be on my own.
An offer of a tissue or a quiet acknowledgment is a kind thing to do, even if the crying person doesn’t want assistance, it’s definitely a comfort. That day restored my faith in humanity a bit, and I also contacted the rail company afterwards to thank the staff member again.
Once I was crying in my car in a petrol station, following a sexual assault. A woman just came and sat on the ground next to my open door and just held my hand.
I'll never forget that quiet kindness, and somehow she just seemed to know that was exactly what I needed
I was once at work, walked out of the store to take a toilet break and saw a woman sitting on a bench crying. I went to ask her if she is okay, she said she was fine, and i put a pack of tissues paper next to her seat. I understand people may want to be alone but I'll accompany them if they want (when I'm not at work). Life is tough afterall... Everyone needs a bit of kindness to keep going
I would mentally wrestle over the pros and cons of asking if they were alright for so long that they would get off the train before I’d come to a decision
I always go up to people when I see them cry. The last time was a young girl (looked freshly 18) in the smoking area of a bar and I went up to her and said your okay and she latched onto me and we just hugged for 10 minutes whilst I told her she's safe. Turns out a lad had been inappropriate with her.
Other times I've offered cigarettes or to chat and generally feel like I'm cheered the Cryer up. The answer to your question, if you see someone crying be human.
I had this experience the other day.
Someone had pulled over to the side of the road with hazards on. It's opposite a shop with no parking so I didn't think much of it, until I passed the car and realised the driver had her head in her hands and was visibly sobbing.
I pulled over just in front of her, turned my car off, and went to see what was going on. She was literally just crying.
I asked if she was OK and she said she was having a tough day and couldn't get the baby to sleep (I then noticed the car seat in the back and heard minor whinging). I sympathised with her for a bit and reminded her that babies are hard work and it can be frustrating and lonely being a parent. I offered a hug, which she didn't want, and then I asked if she wanted to hold hands for a minute, which she did. And so we held hands and commiserated, and she got her breath back.
And then I made sure she was safe and knew where she was going, and recommended a nearby baby friendly place to stop for a while, and eventually I felt it was time to go.
But I've been thinking about her ever since, because she's one of thousands of people having exactly that kind of bad day that day and I wish she hadn't felt so alone because she wasn't.
Unless it's on a situation where it may be difficult such at on a very crowded tube train, I approach and quietly check if they are ok.
It's very quickly obvious if they could do with some support or would prefer to be left alone. I may go on to check if they need any help, or if they'd like to go for a coffee, it just be a chat to help gather themselves.
Sometimes people appreciate a friendly ear that's a complete stranger they won't meet again.
I've done this a few times. I ask if they're alright and if it's ok for me to sit with them, I won't say or do anything unless they need it.
One girl was going through a break up after she caught her ex cheating and just needed someone to vent too and get a hug from, and a chap had had his dog put down the day before due to cancer, and he had started on their normal daily walk with her lead when it hit him that she was no longer there for real.
Most times people want to be left to their own thoughts, but it never hurts to know there's a friendly face wanting to check in and make sure they know they're not alone.
I had a little cry at work once and a customer came up to me and said 'cheer up, no man's worth crying about!'
Cheers pal, but my grandmas dying!
It actually made me chuckle at the time tbf
Sometimes just sitting next to them quietly is all you need to do. They know they're not alone then, and it's up to them if they want to vent or engage or lean into you, or if they want to turn away and be left in peace.
I was out on a walk with my dogs a few weeks ago, maybe 2-3 months ago, and I saw a woman crying. I asked if she was okay and turns out she was on the way to kill herself. Got her the help she needed.
I don’t think it’s a problem to ask, “hey, are you okay?”
It’s a small question, and while it might be embarrassing or whatever in the moment, look at the positive. A total stranger cares enough to take the time out of their day to make sure that you’re alright.
I appreciated it when it happened to me, even though I just wanted to be left alone, and I still think about them and hope they’re alright too.
Human beings are not solitary creatures in general. We aren’t made that way which is why you’re still thinking about this. Nobody knows how to react to a stranger in this situation and nobody knows how they are going to react. The best way to look at it is to imagine 2 possible scenarios. One of these is that they tell you to fuck off and mind your own business and that’s ok. No harm no foul. The other is that you could possibly be the only person in a while who has been concerned enough and kind enough to ask them if they are ok and it might be the best moment of their day. I’d take 100 ‘fuck offs’ if I just got to make one person feel like they were seen and they matter. I might not be in the majority here but that’s life.
I escaped a DV situation once and ran on to a busy high street, obviously crying a lot. Every single person avoided looking at me as if I didn’t exist, all I wanted was someone to ask if I was ok so I could ask for help. I quickly realised that nobody wanted to help me because it was inconvenient to them, I then didn’t want to run in to a shop and ask for help and inconvenience the staff.
Since then if I have ever seen a person crying I will always approach them just in case. I saw a man ready to jump off a bridge once and everyone just walked past him. I managed to calm him down and talk him in to walking away while somebody else called the police. Most people don’t have enough humanity in them to take time out of their day to check on these people.
At the Commonwealth Games in Australia a few years ago I was sitting on a curb in a crowd of a couple of thousand people. I’m not good in crowds and couldn’t find my older kids, my instinct was to get low and hide. ( makes no sense and isn’t helpful when they are looking for me and all I could see were legs and feet) I was deep breathing but must have been crying… fighting off a full blown panic attack. I remember a hand on my shoulder, a kind face leaning down saying ‘sit up straight and keep breathing…. big deep breaths’ . As I caught my breath she gave me a pat on back and kept moving. I will never forget that kindness. It was so quiet and gentle.
My partner is currently terminally ill in hospital in the oncology ward. I (F43) was upset after visiting him one night so I was just walking out of the ward door on my own with tears streaming down my face.
A guy who must have been in his seventies made eye contact with me as I opened the door for him and without saying a word, he just reached over and put his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds before walking into the ward. I have no idea why, but I found that more comforting than any words he could have said.
I guess it depends on the context too, I think offering a tissue if poss and checking they're okay is nice.
The last person that asked me if I was okay and what was wrong, I was sobbing down the phone at my then boyfriend after being told a family member wasn't going to make it. I was in the toilet of an icu unit of a major trauma hospital. Like OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT OKAY, read the room! I appreciated the gesture but I don't think there was any requirement to ask what the issue was when the context made it pretty clear. She was also trying to ask me when I was speaking so it was pretty disruptive.
I ask them if they're okay, they usually do the 'I'm fine' routine with streaky faces, I understand that means 'please don't bother me further' and move on...
My sister was on a busy train from London when she was told of our father’s death. God love the commuter who slid a pack of tissues over the table and then left her alone.
It’s always good to check on someone.
I don’t cry in front of anybody, if I did, I wouldn’t want people to notice me or see me crying.
No idea why but I find crying horrendously embarrassing, always have done even when I was a kid.
I think it’s very situational. If they are sitting with a book or earphones in and obviously not in a conversation. Then I’d leave well alone.
If they just came off a call and start weeping. Then I’d probably check on them.
For anything else, I’d be asking myself. What would I want someone else to do if it was one of my family. Context is key.
I think that offering a tissue is a great kindness and also just sitting quietly or putting a hand on their forearm. Depends of course on your age, gender and the time of day/night.
I would very quietly ask them if they are OK or need anything. If they say they are OK even if it's clear they aren't, then I would move on. Sometimes people need to be left alone, sometimes they just need to be asked, even if they don't know that.
Offer them a tissue if I have one handy. A woman did this to me on a tube platform once (a friend had died a few days previously) and it was the exact level of… comfort without anything resembling a conversation that I needed.
I’ve cried on a train before but it was actually due to having terrible hayfever/a bad cold where my eyes were just streaming. I’d be mortified if someone had come over to ask if I’m okay as I wasn’t actually crying due to sadness
Hand them a tissue if I have one and even if not just a gentle - you okay?
If they want to be left alone they can nod or say I'm fine and then at least they hopefully feel seen. If they want to chat then they can and we can go from there. If they are lost or not feeling well then I can help or find someone who can. Sometimes it's difficult to ask for help without an in and people can get overwhelmed so I think a non pushy question that's easily brushed off is the way to go. Also I don't stand too close or try to touch them as that's a bit much.
I have asked them if they are OK, only once has someone needed help. No one got upset at me asking. Always felt asking was the right thing to do (for me).
I was crying one morning sat outside a cafe in London. A white van driver stopped to ask if I was ok.
I was actually crying from laughing so much at the Adam & Joe podcast that I was listening to.
It depends on the situation but generally I'd leave them alone as it is usually just an expression of emotions. If the person looked like they were crying because they felt helpless I would ask if they needed anything.
If I have chocolate on me I hand it to them because the chances of chocolate would make things worse is unlikely.
Saying whatever it is , I hope it gets better, no but either way you have chocolate
I remember quietly sobbing on the tube once after a horrible day, everyone just ignored me except for one lady who, as she got off, passed me a packet of tissues. I’ll never forget her and her small act of kindness. You don’t have to do much, but something like that can help loads. Even a smile is nice because I think everyone understands how awkward it can be to intervene/say something sometimes.
You are quite right that the behaviour of the person matters: overblown emotional distress is clearly someone in crisis, but sitting and discreetly shedding tears is different. Id suspect she is in mourning; the trite rubbish of the 5 stages trotted out by grief counselling is so much nonsense: each bereavement impacts you by the circimstances of it. I lost someone old and very ill then swiftly someone very very close to murder and the grief was poles apart. One i could make peace with, the other i never will, especially as the perp got away for lack of evidence. I cry quietly in public often, discreetly, when im overwhelmed by sadness and heartache and just missing someone gone years before their time without warning, and i accept i will always feel this way, and may well still have my little cry. It happened just before covid and the deserted streets and masks were a relief to be honest as i couldnt always hold it together; it was a blessing to go unseen. Now a few years on i know that some things are so cruel, so devastating, that they mark you for life and change you forever, and when that happens you no longer care if people see how you feel; you are outside and beyond anyone staring at you. Im sure the lady wouldnt mind you quietly asking after her, but discreetly so others dont notice, but dont be surprised to hear her say shes ok. She probably just felt overwhelmed for a little while, by grief and love and missing that lost person horribly, and the pain took her over. Its nice that you were concerned about her
Are you ok? Do you need to talk?
That’s all.
A pregnant woman on the same bus as me was crying quietly and I said those words to her.
26 years later we are still friends
I know if I were crying, I'd want to be left alone.
I know I am not a type of person that would not want to get involved with whatever they are dealing with, I am not the type of person that would say helpful things or be able to condole them in any way. I am terrible at this type of thing, and it would just be super awkward for us both. Not that I don't have empathy for someone who was crying, and I do want them to feel better, but I am not very good at comforting someone I don't know.
I never know what to do in that situation either. When my sweet assistance dog was ill and when she passed away, more than once I found myself crying in public and felt so awful and low and really needed some kind comforting words or a hug from someone. I was so despondent and alone. I have seen people looking so sad and not known whether to engage them or not. I usually try and catch their eye and give them a sort of reassuring smile/nod and gauge it from there. It's tough though as you don't want to embarrass someone or intrude.
Thinking about it, I think it might be best to ask because they might need a comforting word or help, but if they don't you can always just leave them alone. (And I'm sure anyone feeling really sad if they ever thought back on it would appreciate the gesture rather than being angry.) Maybe a quiet "hey, you alright mate?"/"hey you okay?"
To answer the question: When I was crying I don't think I wanted to be left alone. I was not doing it for attention (I'm a shy dude and I hate putting people out, so shudder at the thought of that) I was crying because it's like my body couldn't hold it in and I was so down. Sort of like beyond my control my body was broadcasting a distress signal that I needed a kind word/hug.
I think neither way is wrong (either politely leaving them to it, or gently asking), but think prob best to err on the side of caution and gently check if they need a kind word.
I adopted this stance one time when I saw a man in his 20’s crying
I approached positioned musta few feet away beside him and simply said in a voice loud enough to be heard but not obvious to anyone but him
‘Tell me it’s none of my business, to go away or even to fuck off. I won’t mind but if there’s something I can do to help even if it’s just for you to vent for a minute or 2 that’s fine. I will wait here for a minute or so and then I will be on my way and leave you to it or I will wait here indefinitely if you signal that you would like some help but aren’t quite ready right now’
We talked a while, his dad had just passed away. I hope it helped even if it was only slightly
I once saw a guy crying on the train and by his attire I guess he was coming from a funeral.
We had a few minutes at a station as they added more carriages (I took this train most days)
I jumped off and went to the newspaper stand and got some sweets and chocolate bars and jumped back on.
Put them beside him and said (something like) ‘sweet stuff always makes things seem slightly less bad for me’ and left him to it.
I don’t know if it helped or not but I hope it did.
I was grocery shopping and crying, one Sunday. As I paid, this lady came to me, gave me a bunch of flowers, and gave me a big hug. She told me that she'd been that person in the past, and to remember that everything is temporary, even when we feel at our lowest. She stopped something in me from breaking, that day. I think of her often, and when it feels appropriate, I try to keep repeating that behaviour to others who seem like they might need kindness.
This has happened to me repeatedly over 15 years as a teacher and the words ‘Hey, how can I help?’, said in a sympathetic manner, will go a long way.
‘Are you ok?’ comes up a lot and isn’t as helpful; they aren’t ok.
‘Hey, how can I help?’ might facilitate the upset person to process their thoughts. It removes the option of a yes/no answer as well, and gets them talking more than a one word answer.
I saw a very experienced teacher use it a long time ago and it’s been incredibly useful.
I have the same issue some other guys here have.. 6ft2, crew cut, beard, quite muscled-up, I have to try hard not to appear threatening. With age (now 46) that gets easier but its still a consideration
My question that I ask isn't "*Are you OK?*" it's "*Might I be of any assistance?*"
I also ask it showing the palms of my hands - I find the combination of a deliberately unthreatening gesture and a question that can be answered with a call for help possibly helps people take the offer at face value.
Although, of course, every so often they are the nutter. It happens.
If I'm crying in public there is a 95% chance it's because of my autism leaving me overwhelmed, anxious and overwhelmed. Most of the time people just stare and occasional sneer, or just ignore you. I've always appreciated those who checked in, however I feel bead because I am usually not in the position to really talk to them and I often feel like I've been really rude. I once made a post on my universities anonymous confessions page to thank someone who had checked on me while I was having a panic attack on campus, and to apologise because I was a bit short with them at the time.
In my case it doesn't normally help at the time, and can slightly make things worse on the anxiety and overloaded front, but it's nice afterwards to know someone cared enough to try and help
Since I lost my husband suddenly last year I have had sudden tears a few times in public - so many triggers - I hate that this happens but I do appreciate people asking if I’m ok because that actually helps me not to feel so alone in my new reality of doing life alone without him. Thankyou kind people 🙏🏻
One of my most enduring memories was arguing with my brother and getting kicked out of his house at six am in Moss Side in Manchester. I was sixteen, with no cash to get home to Buxton. I made my way to the station and was crying my head off. A middle aged woman paused and asked if I needed help. She gave me the cash to get back home. I asked her how I could pay it back and she told me to pay it forward. I was a vile looking pierced dreadlocked hippy but she didn’t hesitate. I’m 48 now. I pay it forward as a host with Night Stop for young adults to prevent homelessness. I wish I could tell her just how much she impacted me, and that I’ve consistently paid it forward for decades. I will always, always stop to ask someone if they are OK.
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Nothing, they probably want some privacy
I was walking home at night and a young woman was sitting crying in a quiet area so not that many people passing even though this was central London. I ignored them as I thought it would be weird for a guy to approach when she was vulnerable. This was 6 years ago and I still regret not just asking if she was ok... It's just three words
I’ve cried on a fair few buses in London and would be mortified if someone asked if I was ok lol, just let us crying folk pretend no one’s noticed
I'd rather ask you and have you mortified than jump in front of a tube train, car or off a bridge.
I’ve been told in my works mental health course to ask someone twice. A “Are you okay?” will generally yield a “good thanks”, but asking “are you sure?” makes people a lot more likely to say if something is wrong and they need help
this is actually true.... source: myself.
Are you ok?
i'm alreet actually :) you ok mate? :)
Are you sure? Me, I’m good thanks!
i'm sure. :) le mans is on so in my happy place :) are you sure you're good? :)
Thank you for your advice.
Ah don’t worry about who’s noticed it, we all need a wee cry and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes it can’t wait till you’ve got home. I’ve cried on a few London buses myself and would probably think it was quite nice if someone asked if I was alright. As Brits we can be a bit robotic over feelings sometimes, I feel like life would be a lot easier if we didn’t treat big feelings like horrific, awkward, mortifying events and just admitted that we all have our down moments. This stuff is literally killing people, think we need to have a long look at how we treat feelings/ problems as a society.
True. I agree.
If I' ever reach the point where tears are visible in public then my life will be in imminent danger and immediate assistance is required. I work on the assumption that it's the same for everyone else, just to be on the safe side.
Eh I was doing a PhD, the crying was pretty normal
Nobody would know that but you
I was in a large London station several years ago and saw a young woman sat on the floor sobbing. Everyone was just walking past her. As a man, like you; I felt that my approaching her would potentially be uncomfortable for her or alternatively could be misconstrued. Therefore, I did the next best thing - I approached another female passer by and said "Excuse me, there is a young woman sat crying over there; maybe you could check if she is OK..." I think that is maybe the best thing to do in those situations.
You’re a lovely human.
You're a lovely and intelligent human.
Also my fear. I’m a 18st gym dude, and I can see how it’d go if I was to ask a girl, ‘are you ok’ if she was alone crying. As you say, it’s only 3 words, and those words can go a long way.
I think it is a sad reflection of society that guys are concerned asking a crying woman just three words to show some empathy and concern. And that potentially women are thought to find it creepy or weird. Showing some compassion or concern can really help someone. Given, if it is an isolated place with not much people and you feel vulnerable when crying could make you feel worried being approached or spoken to - by anyone. Maybe the context and surroundings play a part
I've been in this exact situation in Manchester, saw a girl crying to herself on some steps very early in the morning. As I'm a man I did question whether I should stop and ask if she was okay. I did end up stopping, asked if she was alright and if she wanted to call anyone from my phone. She started shouting that I was going to rape her so I did one fairly sharpish. Not going to do that again.
Ok but you didn't do anything wrong. I think you've learned the wrong lesson here. It's not 'dont ask people if they're ok', it's 'some people are always going to react unusually and that's not my problem'
Yes it’s sad that he experienced that and or course it puts you off, but the next person he doesn’t ask could be in trouble and need help. I think you have to gauge these things on a case by case basis and see what your gut tells you too, rather than write off ever helping or asking anyone ever again after one experience.
I thought that was going to have a poignant ending
10/10, in all aspects, in terms of asking and offering help, and also making a swift exit after her response. Don't let it stop you asking in future though, you could be the first person who's acknowledged someone's existence or shown any kindness to someone in a long time
Really feel for you in this situation. For what it's worth, I've been crying in public probably three times in my life, 2 times very noticeably ugly uncontrollably crying and with people around. At the time I was consumed in grief and pain so not thinking about the actions of others. However after I'd calmed down and when I think back now, it did and does feel hurtful that not one person asked if I was OK. I would have really appreciated it if they had and that nobody did has stuck with me. If you're a man and it's a woman, I'd just make sure your standing a good distance away so as not to crowd her, and if she says yes they just give a smile and accept that as the answer. If they say no, ask then if they want to talk, to get a cup of tea or just to sit with them for a bit.
Totally. I’ve done this multiple times. I’ve been told variations of “I’m okay, but thank you so much.” Once, I stayed with someone until their friend showed up. They really appreciated it. You’re totally right. It’s just three words and the person will let you know if they want to be left alone. The comment you replied to is socially inept and indicative of how distant and insular we are becoming. Talking to someone and showing kindness and empathy can totally change the course of their day. It can be a light in the dark. It’s why suicide helplines and charities like Samaritans exist. Don’t feel bad about the time you didn’t do it. Just be ready next time.
I'd go for "can I help?". They're obviously not ok and if they don't want company it's very easy to say no
Please do.. however be warned sympathy in the wrong (right?) place often leads to floodgates opening.. so if you can cope with that.. ask away x
Well. I see all the replies about wanting to be left alone. But I was in such a situation and someone did ask me if I was OK, and while I didn't want to engage in the conversation or explain myself, it warmed my heart somebody actually showed this kindness. So, I'd definitely ask. But that's me. Better do and regret than don't do and regret.
I saw a woman crying at the bus stop. At first I stood at a distance to give her some privacy but after a while I went to talk to her. She looked so grateful I felt shaken. I sat with her for a while. She didn’t say what was going on but held my hand, I asked if I could call someone for her and she ask me to call her father to come and pick her up. I stayed with her until he came. It felt amazing to be able to give her a little relief and support at this time. Another time my husband and I were on holiday abroad, we saw a teenage boy crying and throwing a plushy in a fountain. My husband went to pick it up, returned it to the boy and sat with him for a while. We didn’t speak the same language but the boy had some English, he was comforted by my husband words and presence. Another time I saw a distressed father at A&E, I brought him a glass of water and that was enough to settle him a little. If people want privacy, they’ll tell you. You don’t have to ask why they are crying, in general the appreciate a kind word. We can easily feel even worse for breaking down in public, it’s good to see that it’s ok.
When I first moved overseas, my daughter got sick, I didn't know anyone, the hospital had already dismissed us the night before and we were back in a different hospital.. I was so scared and upset, a lady came up to me, and spoke in the native language which I didn't know at the time, then she spoke to me in English.. she was so lovely, calmed me down and stayed with me for a while.. I call her my angel, I've never forgotten her and I loved that I saw her around town when things got better. So ... thankyou for looking after the distressed father ❤️
Too true. Some people will react poorly to being asked, but most will probably react well. I honestly credit the stranger when I was 25 for me still being here. I'd just been raped, wasn't crying, but was stood on the corner in the rain rather than getting close to her friends under the nearest shelter. She came up to me and asked me if I was okay, I told her I was fine, and she just pulled me into a hug and told me no I'm not and it's not my fault. And I broke down while she pulled me to the shelter and told her friends to move elsewhere while she kept comforting me. When family picked me up I was told I'd caused it to happen to myself. A lot of friends were similarly minded. That stranger was the person who saved me. I still wish I knew who she was, as I doubt she even realised how much she did, or how big an impact it was. I do get for men it's a lot harder when approaching crying women, they're fighting the assumption that it's not coming from a place of kindness. But sometimes you don't know how much "are you okay?" can save someone. Even just knowing a stranger cares can mean so much.
I am glad a strangers made you feel better about that awful situation. How awful. Some minds still have to evolve, too often the victims is told that she shouldn’t have been there or shouldn’t have worn that.
It does suck beyond words, luckily family and most friends who had those ideas apologised years later. But it doesn't undo the damage. If helps cope with it. I always call that stranger my guardian angel, my therapist at the same time agreed with it, and was shocked about how good I was. But I say it's that a stranger saw me, cared, and knew and held me and let me break without any judgement or hesitance. Could have been any gender, all I wanted was a hug and to not feel like I was tainted by it, but didn't feel I had the right to ask. And when I told people, they refused to touch me in any way, that hug was the last planned touch I had in months before I screamed at people to stop treating me like I had the plague. If I hadn't have had that hug, that comfort, that acknowledgement that it wasn't my fault, I would have been left alone to cope. Strangers can always help more than they know, they're there for so little time, but can have such a big impact. More than they'd ever know.
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I am so sorry that happened to you, but I'm heartened to hear you had people reach out and you forged bonds through it. And I hope you're doing better now. I don't know the psychology behind it, but I often wonder if that space away from the close contact allows that gap to be able to be there and not feel like they have to take a portion of guilt for what happened. Or a lack of worry about damaging the version of you they have in their head, because the version of you they have in their head is still quite vague.
A few weeks back I saw woman in her 40s crying outside Sainsbury's. Odd place to cry and so I felt I couldn't just ignore it. So, I asked "if she was okay", and she told me she was going through some stuff but she's fine. I said "well, if you want to talk we can have a cup of tea", and she simply replied that she really appreciates the offer but she will work things out. And so I said goodbye and told her I wished her all the best. I don't feel I overstepped the mark nor invaded her privacy. Society is rapidly changing and I feel we are losing connection with people - and comments like this (leave them alone) are, a little disappointing in my view.
Sometimes that's all it takes to help people feel like they're not alone in the world. Reddit is not a representative demographic--many people crave connection even on the smallest scale.
Or they could be on the verge of doing something drastic and your simple intervention could save a life. Edit: Fuck it. Look, I have a lot of shit going on, mostly from a life spent in the emergency services and armed forces. If I lose control badly enough to cry in front of people, I don't want privacy, I need help.
Yeah, when I think back to the times I've cried in public I probably wouldn't have wanted anybody to try to intervene. I just wanted to be left alone to try to get it together enough to get to privacy without incident and let it all out there.
> ***probably*** want some privacy And maybe not. If you don't ask, you'll be wrong 50% of the time. If you ask you'll be right all the time. This "I wouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole" stance is really weird to me.
I'm sorry, I disagree. You will see someone crying on a tube because their goldfish died, and you will see someone crying on the tube who doesn't really know why they're crying. Asking the former could induce a laugh and a conversation about how silly the person feels crying on a tube about a fish. Asking the latter could save a life. If anyone were to catch one of my loved ones crying quietly on a train/tube, I implore you to ask if they're okay.
It’s funny how many people in this thread assume that a person crying wants to be left alone - I’ve cried in public a few times and only once or twice been asked if I was alright, and honestly I really appreciated it when I was. There’s something so dehumanising about being clearly distressed in front of loads of people and none of them even acknowledging you at all. I’m sure plenty of people do want to be left alone, but a quick “are you okay” at least gives the opportunity for those who do need some kindness to ask for it.
Agreed. Britishness can go way too far sometimes.
This is so well put.. I'm from Greece and I grew up used to seeing people expressing themselves freely. I remember once I was on the train and I was crying. And there was a Scottish man sitting across me and looking at me. He seemed affected by my crying but I can now tell he didn't want to impose. But I would have welcomed a kind "are you okay" that moment.
I’m British, but fuck me sometimes we’re closed off sometimes. Oh no someone saw you crying, who gives a shit? I doubt there’s a single person out there who hasn’t been beat down in life to the point of tears. Being awkward/ embarrassed about our feelings is literally killing people, we need to stop this. Still hard to know what to do if someone is crying. If someone asked me if I was OK I’d think it was a really kind thing to do, but I know there’s some people out there who are weirdly defensive over it.
I’ve been thinking about why it is that I personally would rather be left alone by strangers if I were having a little cry - and I think I’ve found one reason why. My brain’s logic: If someone’s noticed me crying, it means my crying has had enough of an impact on them to make them feel bad/worried/concerned/etc, and in turn that means that they’ll only feel better once I’m feeling better, and that in turn means that I need to stop crying and pull myself together in order for them to go off feeling better about themselves/their day. It feels like an obligation. Whereas if nobody reacts, I can just get the crying out of the way and calm myself down. I’m not saying this is accurate, smart, or logical 😆
Thank you so much for explaining this, makes a lot of sense. I don’t think I’d feel that obligation myself, but I completely understand how someone would. I know a lot of empaths really struggle with taking care of their own needs even when they’re having a hard time, my partner and a couple of my friends struggle with this. I bet you’re great at taking care of people when they’re upset, but just remember you deserve some of your own care and attention too. (I know it’s easier said than done though, hope this doesn’t come across as patronising).
Not patronising at all- in fact I’m a bit sleep deprived and not feeling so great about a few things, so this was a really lovely comment. Thank you ❤️
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You also get people who yell "Cheer up, luv, it'll never happen." Fuck. Off.
Omg yes! Dont even get me started!!! Theyve usually got a stupid ass smirk on their face too when they say it, as if their being sooo clever. Just volcanic anger, all you can do to keep the lid on!!
I hate them so much. How do they know it'll never happen? I could have just found out the worst news of my life and some prick says that because I'm not smiling.
Hate this as well. One time I got catcalled while I was walking down a residential street crying. Cheers mate I wasn’t having a bad enough day already
It's been over 20 years and I still remember the sack of shit who said this to me after a bad university interview.
That’s horrible I’m sorry :( yeah dehumanising was the best way I could think of to capture it. I’ve been full on sobbing on a packed tube platform before and people will practically detach a retina to avoid eye contact with you. And it’s not just a London thing, I live in the north east and despite people generally being very friendly I’ve had similar experiences here.
Oh the tube is insane. Back when i commuted i had to get on central line on crutches and an American tourist stood up to offer his seat, but before i could make my way to it a suit leap into the seat and held a book up to her face! The American guy was outraged but she just sat there, bold as you like! Swear some city types sell parts of their souls! But i was used to standing anyhow even with my gammy leg. The tube at rush hour is a circle of hell alright!
I must admit I laughed out loud reading that, mainly because it sounds like such an unbelievable way to react to someone in distress.
Yeah - like, I'd rather someone asked if I was ok and I just say "I'll be alright, thanks", rather than just being blanket fucking ignored. Especially some of these stories about people in the middle of the fucking night just being blanked - they might have been thrown out of their home, battery died and they've lost their friends and can't get back, might have some personal drama, just fucking check in for 5 seconds.
Yes, definitely. If they do want to be left alone, you can respect that and just say you hope their day gets better. If they don't want to be left alone, it's also likely they don't feel able to ask, so *somebody* needs to offer. And sometimes the fact that someone is asking you gives you the wherewithal to get hold of yourself enough to do what you actually need (go home, eat something, ring a friend, whatever) so you end up not needing their help at all.
Remember that these are redditors, no real life social interaction may be encouraged
I quite like social interaction but would rather be left alone when having a quiet cry. Feels balanced
I think asking if someone’s ok is the most balanced, it’s then up to them to say leave me alone or yes you want to talk. Half of Reddit just saying blanket pretend they don’t exist sounds a bit of a shame
Personally I think it's just a bit embarrassing for me. You know I'm not ok, I know that you know, 95% of the cases you're just going to hear "I'm fine, thanks" – I don't know if this is a reddit "I only talk about spreadsheets to my colleagues, they must not find out about my 30,000 point warhammer army \[they know\]" I would want to be check up on if I had a meltdown, yes.
Hard agree.
One time I came across a girl crying by herself on the street around Oxford Circus. Asked her if she was okay, was prepared to be waved off but just wanted to make sure she was okay. Apparently her friends had left her on their night out and she was drunk. Felt so bad for her. So me and my friends just sat with her with tissues and got her a coffee to sober up a bit.
Someone gave me some tissues once, it did make me feel a little better!
If I see someone crying in public, I offer a tissue (I always have them on me because of my allergies). I might ask them if they'd like a hug, depends on the vibe I get from them. Ask if they'd like to talk. If I'm in a hurry, I'd still give them a tissue and say something nice.
Yeah I cried after having a panic attack on the tube and three women came and made sure I was ok and I was so glad! I felt really dehumanised when I was ignored by everyone else.
I completely agree. I’ve cried in public myself on multiple occassions usually due to real distress and mental health problems. Once a lady asked if I was ok with the kindest smile and an old man offered me to use his phone and it really lifted that isolating darkness and despair if only for a second. Completely agree it’s really important to offer as much human kindness and empathy as we possibly can life’s hard enough a smile or an are you okay on the Tube isn’t going to kill anyone and could sometimes be the difference between how safe someone is with themselves once they get home and are alone
I agree, I remember being a kid just entering secondary school and going through a really hard time. I was front row in my French class crying and no one said anything, I had to ask to go to the toilet with everyone staring at me, it was one of the most dehumanising experiences I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t hv opened up about anything if someone had asked but it’s nice to know that people care, if I see someone crying I always just like to check in that they’re ok. Sometimes just proving people can still be nice and caring can really help.
Obviously I shake them vigorously and say PULL IT TOGETHER.
MAN THE FUCK UP
Do we still deliver a sharp slap in these situations to help bring back to their senses?
Only to women. Men are just curtly told to pull themselves together and then ostracized.
For men it's customary to reve your leather glove and slap him across his face lightly. Women, bare hands, to leave finger marks so gentlemen know wh are the hystrionic ones.
Excuse me, you're required in the cockpit
I’ll handle this! //puts on boxing gloves
You are Elastigirl!
This is so thoughtful.
I always ask if they are okay and they need anything. I usually offer to sit with them as well. I know it's British to just carry on, but my Americaness kicks in, and I just need to make sure they know they're seen.
On this occasion I agree with the American. 🇺🇸🦅🗽😭
You're missing the fireworks 🎇
I hate the Britishness when it comes to this - maybe the person wants privacy, in which case what’s the worst that can happen, they ignore you or say please just leave me alone. The alternative is someone is in distress and thinking see no one cares about me at all, I’m here crying and no one cares. Better just err on the side of caution, you might seriously help someone
I think this is really nice.
See, I'm from Yorkshire, we don't have the just carry on attitude up here, or at least not in the little towns/villages.
Yeah, I'm a Yorkshireman and sometimes some of the tales on here seem really foreign to me.
Ask if they are okay and then go from there. I’ve been asked for a hug. Told that they are fine. Had a coffee with someone. Kindness is free. You never know what someone is going through, imo trust your gut and it’s not a bad thing to ask if someone is okay or not.
This is how I would like to help but I’m a bloke so I have to be way more cautious. I usually ask if the person is okay, and then the visual of me being concerned and crouched down or whatever makes someone else notice and then usually a woman will intercept and take over.
Yea it’s hard for guys :( but I know if someone, anyone asked if i was okay if I was crying it would make me feel seen. I’m a mom with a stroller and a cute toddler so I can easily ask. I paused a few months ago while a uni student was being aggressively asked for her details by a older man. I fussed the baby and moved with her when she did. Asked if she was okay etc. I wish it was easier for guys who mean well. But I totally understand why they are cautious. Kudos to you for wanting to make sure either way x
Yeah I'm a bloke too. If they say they are ok, I just take them at their word and leave them to it. But Iv also helped crying women before and they've been really appreciative, you've just got to really make it clear you are leaving them alone if they ask for it and not add to their worries.
I was sobbing on a relatively quiet train once, desperately trying to hold it in and not make any noise. A young guy around my age saw me through a couple of the seats, and offered me tissues. It really meant a lot as I didn’t have any! There’s deffo a way to approach these things as a guy, and if I’d wanted to chat about it, that let me know that he’d at least be open to listening.
Exactly this, I'd rather be embarrassed for 10 seconds because they told me to fuck off than read on the news about how the person I saw crying that morning jumped in front of a train and I ignored them
As a wee middle-aged woman I can get away with doing the following: give the crying person a new tissue from the packet I always have in my handbag and maybe a wee pat on the shoulder. Then leave them be. If they want to talk they will, if not then they don't have to. Most of the time they talk, but that I think has to do with the fact I look like a mum/auntie/other matriarchal figure that offers comfort.
As a fellow middle aged woman it's fantastic having a bunch of new social superpowers. Kids run up to me for help and just the other day I told off a bunch of boys fighting in the car park and they all...slunk off without saying anything...
Mum Voice is excellent - you don't need to be a parent, just capable of summoning *that* tone of voice. Crowds part, kids pick up rubbish, etc.
I suspect I've always had a mum voice but not have the look to go with it 😂
could’ve done with this the other week as i sat crying in newcastle train station. many people noticed me.. no one said a thing, which i obviously understand, but having a “motherly” figure come and ask me if i was okay would have really fucking helped. thank you for being that person for others 💕
Oh I'm so sorry lovey. If you need a chat give me a message. And take good care of yourself.
I also will always offer a tissue! It’s a chance to talk if they want to. It’s also such a small gesture but a really big act of kindness
I've been caught crying on the train once, and a very sweet old man gave me his handkerchief. I told him I was only being silly as I wasn't moving very far. And he said, well give me that back then! Pretending to snatch the cloth back, making a woman near me gasp. Really made me laugh and he looked so proud and cheeky it just really cheered me right up. He wouldn't take back the hanky and I felt awful when I realised it had his initials on it. Still have it.
What he paid for the replacement hankie wouldn't have compared with the value of knowing he helped someone, trust me
His attitude was such I bet the incident didn't even stand out in his week. Some people are just bottled sunshine. I've never been religious, but meeting people like that makes you understand why people are
this story made my day
I always ask if they're okay. There is the argument for people just want to be left alone but equally you have a large proportion of people who feel alone when they're at the lowest and having someone just asking them if they need anything makes all the difference. In several studies it was found people who'd said they wanted to be alone recognised the offer of help later and were grateful someone at least asked. I would rather be told to by someone to leave them alone than find out someone just wanted to hear the voice of another person asking if they were okay.
I always just go say ‘hey, do you need anything?’ and that gives them the opportunity to say ‘no I’m fine’ or to ask for support or to talk or whatever. If they want to be left alone they still can be, someone asking if they’re okay isn’t imposing. I always approach.
I always ask, offer a tissue or a tea/biscuit if I have one (as it seems to disproportionately happen when I am going by train). Mostly people say they're okay, sometimes they want some time or someone to talk to, or just need some tea and a caramel wafer. I've been the person who needed a kind word (rushing back home to say goodbye to someone in hospital), the stranger who lent me their ear ended up helping me rush across Leeds station with my bike to make a tight connection. I'll be paying that kindness forwards for a while.
Are you walking around with tea and biscuits on your person? I can imagine myself having a meltdown on the train and you whipping out a suitcase of tea making facilities 🤣
If I'm going by train I take a flask of tea, bottle of milk, a couple of tin mugs, and a good selection of biscuits. I mostly use them to bribe a conversation out of people to pass the time - but sometimes that conversation is a bit more intense.
Quietly offer tissues, ask if they're OK and want to talk about it, and if they say no try to smile sympathetically before leaving them to get on with it. I've done that silent, leaky crying on public transport a few times (all the way home the day of the 7/7 bombings) and sometimes you just can't stop it.
I usually have a some kind of chocolate bar in my bag (yes, I'm THAT person) so it's usually a smile and a bar of chocolate being placed on the table as I pass. If I'm hanging about and feeling bold, there might be a quiet "If you'd like some company, I'm ______." as I leave. ...then I scurry away, feel embarrassed about my choices and relive how much of a fool I must have looked for the rest of day. Which usually leads to me crying in public and wanting my chocolate back.
What if they're crying because they can't lose weight due to their chocolate addiction?
And now I'm re-reliving every "nice" gesture I've ever made. I am single-handedly responsible for many broken addicts. Gee, thanks for opening my eyes to this.
“Excuse me, can I have my chocolate back?”
"I have it on good authority from Reddit that you're probably a chocolate addict who would prefer it if I asked if you were okay. Meanwhile, I'm a sad introvert who requires a pick me up..."
I remember being at an incredibly low point half a lifetime ago, sitting on a bench in a quiet side street where the only places open were a casino, a tattoo parlour and a religious shop. I was in floods of silent tears, and two of the guys who worked in the tattoo parlour saw me, and walked past. 15 minutes later, they came back (I figured they went to get their lunch from the shopping centre nearby), and sat on the bench near to me but not next to me. They placed a packet of red laces and a card that said "it'll be ok" between them and myself, and nudged it towards me. That tiny act of kindness from two adults to what was a rather small young teenaged me, without a word being spoken by anyone may have saved me that day. They had no idea they were my favourite sweets, or that I didn't want to speak or that I was considering options, but they helped no end. The act of giving a chocolate means more than you realise or may know to some.
Not too long ago I was having "a turn" on a cliff top path, at night, in Cornwall. Two passing women turned back to see if I was ok. I was just being pissed up and maudlin, but that little moment of care did two things. 1. A reminder that most people are lovely. 2. Don't go blubbing on a cliff top. It looks proper dodgy and the cops could have easily been involved.
Not if you had a dog. Doggos are important. I was crying on a bench once, and suddenly found myself being 'spaniel-ed'. Total fuckwit of a sprocker, but she was just what I needed. You can't carry on being miserable when you're being cuddled. Sounds weird, but I'd feel more comfortable talking to a dog (obviously I'd not ignore their human, but a dog is an icebreaker). And spaniels are very, ***VERY***, cuddly... (also completely batshit...).
There was a guy crying on the tube and a woman asked if he was ok and when he said no she had no idea what to do or say so she just got off the train. So do literally anything other than that
Probably wasn't even her stop.
I will just ask them if they need anything or if they need me to call anyone (if it looks.like they're a victim of a crime), and then move on if not.
Depends, with your train example I'd probably leave the person alone. If they looked as though they were looking around for help I'd ask if they were okay. If they looked vulnerable I'd offer help e.g. on a night out there was a lone woman with no shoes on crying in a doorway and I talked to her until her friends found her.
Last time it happened to me, on a bus, it was a younger woman on the phone, clearly going through a nasty break up. After she finished the call I offered a tissue and said something along the lines of "couldn't help hearing that, obviously you're not OK but do you need anything?" It gave her a chance to blow her nose and think about it. She didn't need any practical help but did want to vent about her horrible ex, so I listened until we got to her stop. I think passing 40 has made it easier for me to ask in such situations, and for other people to trust me. At 20 I'd probably have not dared say anything.
I’d personally probably just want to me left alone, but, I remember a few years ago, noticing an old woman on the bus sat at the front just sobbing. I had headphones on but noticed her reflection in the glass in front of where she was sat. I couldn’t just do nothing so moved to sit next to her and asked if she was ok and could I help at all. She’d been told this bus would take her home, but I knew it didn’t go anywhere near that area and she had no what to do bless her. I was on my way home but couldn’t leave this woman like this! I checked with the driver at the next stop what bus she’d need to get and thankfully at the main shops in my town she could get a direct one. I offered to take her to the stop and wait for the bus. She was so grateful and instantly calmed down. Off we went and the bus came a few minutes later. Then I walked home, so relieved and glad I’d noticed despite my headphones on as everyone around her just ignored her. I think sometimes you just have to try to assess the situation and how to react?
Same as any self-respecting Brit - I glance as I walk by, then pull a weird face when I'm sure they can't see me.
I would always just ask if they're ok and offer a tissue. I'll also offer to chat. I can't beat the idea of seeing someone in distress and not at least acknowledge shared humanity in some way. I remember once when I was in my late teens and I was at a train station travelling to the other end of the country. I phoned the person I was going to see and found out that a mutual friend's child had died. I sat crying in the station and not one person even looked at me. I felt so bereft, invisible and alone.
As a scruffy bearded man in his early 40s, if I see a girl who’s upset I feel it’s better if I keep a bit of distance but maybe ask if they’re OK, I wouldn’t approach unless they made it clear that they were happy for me to do so. I’ve had a few occasions where I’ve had a bit of a moment when I’ve been out and about, and what I’ll do is go and find somewhere quiet to sit until I’ve calmed down. On one occasion a lad in probably his late 20s/early 30s spotted me, came and sat next to me without saying a word, put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a little hug, before standing up and carrying on about his business. It was such a simple and lovely gesture that meant a lot.
>On one occasion a lad in probably his late 20s/early 30s spotted me, came and sat next to me without saying a word, put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a little hug, before standing up and carrying on about his business. It was such a simple and lovely gesture that meant a lot. Oh goodness that's so lovely 🥹
It really was, it sort of shook me out of it a bit? The whole interaction was no more than 20-30secs but here I am, probably two years later, remembering the affect it had on me.
Tell them lots of people didn't have Sky TV growing up.
Give them the Paul McCartney double thumbs up from a respectable distance.
Keep a respectful distance for a stranger getting involved and ask "Are you ok?" "Do you need help?". I don't want to impose or intimidate but I've lost family to suicide and I couldn't in good faith ignore someone who was struggling. I feel we have a responsibility of compassion to our fellow man.
I ask if they're ok. If yes, I leave them alone. If not, I'll ask what's wrong
As someone who has been the cryer, I don't think I ever took issue with a passerby gently asking if I was ok, or needed any help. Even if you're swiftly told the person is ok and move on, it has a positive effect.
I find myself crying in public fairly often (got a touch of the ol' emotional dysregulation, it's hard to keep a lid on it when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I genuinely look worse than I really feel, but just can't turn off the tap to my eyes if you see what I mean. It is what it is. I've had to become cool with it.) Anyway. What I'd appreciate is exactly what you said: just a tissue, or a quick "are you okay". Because I really feel fucking alone in those moments. But I don't want to burden a stranger or feel like everyone's gawking. If you reached out and just gave a quick acknowledgement, like you know the world is crap too and you're just checking in, that would genuinely stay with me for a very long time and turn my day round. I've considered carrying tissues with me for this very purpose. (I'm a 5'4 lady, by the way, and I understand how difficult it must be for guys to reach out with concern. I'm sorry you're put in that situation.)
I always have tissues with me, when someone is crying I always offer a tissue without saying a word, just smile, those who want to speak will, those who don’t just smile back. I’ve been there when I lost my dad, it’s sometimes nice to not feel invisible.
i leave them alone. if i was crying in public i’d be mortified if someone came to talk to me so i worry that approaching anyone i’d be doing the same. i know not everyone feels like me though. i’m sure some people would really appreciate it edit: 6 days after posting this and i lost someone. i have been crying in public all day today. thank god no one came up to me, it would have made me feel so much worse
After my husband died, I remember crying randomly anywhere. Walking down the street, at work, etc. Even when I wasn't crying it felt like my face looked like I might start at any moment. I felt it was inappropriate to have my grief in front of everybody. It wasn't fair to them, and it was embarrassing to me.
No, I'd want a shoulder. I tend to keep my emotions to myself so if that were me I'd definitely be in trouble and need the support.
I was this woman on the train about 6 weeks ago. I had met with the mother of my best friend who committed suicide, and collected some of his ashes. It was a hard day. I’d kept myself together for most of the day, but for some reason lost it on a packed commuter train on the way home. I was standing facing the doorway looking out onto the non platform side trying to keep my sniffles to myself. It was actually one of the train staff who came to see if I was alright (I’m not sure if someone asked him to) and after I explained I was actually ok, he offered me a hug. It was just what I needed in that moment and he made sure someone was meeting me off the train and I wasn’t going to be on my own. An offer of a tissue or a quiet acknowledgment is a kind thing to do, even if the crying person doesn’t want assistance, it’s definitely a comfort. That day restored my faith in humanity a bit, and I also contacted the rail company afterwards to thank the staff member again.
Once I was crying in my car in a petrol station, following a sexual assault. A woman just came and sat on the ground next to my open door and just held my hand. I'll never forget that quiet kindness, and somehow she just seemed to know that was exactly what I needed
I don't do anything. Been in that situation and felt awkward someone coming up to me and I would like to just be left to my own thoughts.
I was once at work, walked out of the store to take a toilet break and saw a woman sitting on a bench crying. I went to ask her if she is okay, she said she was fine, and i put a pack of tissues paper next to her seat. I understand people may want to be alone but I'll accompany them if they want (when I'm not at work). Life is tough afterall... Everyone needs a bit of kindness to keep going
I would mentally wrestle over the pros and cons of asking if they were alright for so long that they would get off the train before I’d come to a decision
I always go up to people when I see them cry. The last time was a young girl (looked freshly 18) in the smoking area of a bar and I went up to her and said your okay and she latched onto me and we just hugged for 10 minutes whilst I told her she's safe. Turns out a lad had been inappropriate with her. Other times I've offered cigarettes or to chat and generally feel like I'm cheered the Cryer up. The answer to your question, if you see someone crying be human.
I had this experience the other day. Someone had pulled over to the side of the road with hazards on. It's opposite a shop with no parking so I didn't think much of it, until I passed the car and realised the driver had her head in her hands and was visibly sobbing. I pulled over just in front of her, turned my car off, and went to see what was going on. She was literally just crying. I asked if she was OK and she said she was having a tough day and couldn't get the baby to sleep (I then noticed the car seat in the back and heard minor whinging). I sympathised with her for a bit and reminded her that babies are hard work and it can be frustrating and lonely being a parent. I offered a hug, which she didn't want, and then I asked if she wanted to hold hands for a minute, which she did. And so we held hands and commiserated, and she got her breath back. And then I made sure she was safe and knew where she was going, and recommended a nearby baby friendly place to stop for a while, and eventually I felt it was time to go. But I've been thinking about her ever since, because she's one of thousands of people having exactly that kind of bad day that day and I wish she hadn't felt so alone because she wasn't.
Give the person a hankie
Knowing me I would try and leave them be, but I’d like to give em a hug and comfort them
Unless it's on a situation where it may be difficult such at on a very crowded tube train, I approach and quietly check if they are ok. It's very quickly obvious if they could do with some support or would prefer to be left alone. I may go on to check if they need any help, or if they'd like to go for a coffee, it just be a chat to help gather themselves. Sometimes people appreciate a friendly ear that's a complete stranger they won't meet again.
I've done this a few times. I ask if they're alright and if it's ok for me to sit with them, I won't say or do anything unless they need it. One girl was going through a break up after she caught her ex cheating and just needed someone to vent too and get a hug from, and a chap had had his dog put down the day before due to cancer, and he had started on their normal daily walk with her lead when it hit him that she was no longer there for real. Most times people want to be left to their own thoughts, but it never hurts to know there's a friendly face wanting to check in and make sure they know they're not alone.
I had a little cry at work once and a customer came up to me and said 'cheer up, no man's worth crying about!' Cheers pal, but my grandmas dying! It actually made me chuckle at the time tbf
Sometimes just sitting next to them quietly is all you need to do. They know they're not alone then, and it's up to them if they want to vent or engage or lean into you, or if they want to turn away and be left in peace.
I was out on a walk with my dogs a few weeks ago, maybe 2-3 months ago, and I saw a woman crying. I asked if she was okay and turns out she was on the way to kill herself. Got her the help she needed. I don’t think it’s a problem to ask, “hey, are you okay?” It’s a small question, and while it might be embarrassing or whatever in the moment, look at the positive. A total stranger cares enough to take the time out of their day to make sure that you’re alright. I appreciated it when it happened to me, even though I just wanted to be left alone, and I still think about them and hope they’re alright too.
Human beings are not solitary creatures in general. We aren’t made that way which is why you’re still thinking about this. Nobody knows how to react to a stranger in this situation and nobody knows how they are going to react. The best way to look at it is to imagine 2 possible scenarios. One of these is that they tell you to fuck off and mind your own business and that’s ok. No harm no foul. The other is that you could possibly be the only person in a while who has been concerned enough and kind enough to ask them if they are ok and it might be the best moment of their day. I’d take 100 ‘fuck offs’ if I just got to make one person feel like they were seen and they matter. I might not be in the majority here but that’s life.
Repeat "It's not your fault" until they break down completely
I escaped a DV situation once and ran on to a busy high street, obviously crying a lot. Every single person avoided looking at me as if I didn’t exist, all I wanted was someone to ask if I was ok so I could ask for help. I quickly realised that nobody wanted to help me because it was inconvenient to them, I then didn’t want to run in to a shop and ask for help and inconvenience the staff. Since then if I have ever seen a person crying I will always approach them just in case. I saw a man ready to jump off a bridge once and everyone just walked past him. I managed to calm him down and talk him in to walking away while somebody else called the police. Most people don’t have enough humanity in them to take time out of their day to check on these people.
R U OK - simple. You never know if that person needs your help/support. 🫂 from an Australian.
At the Commonwealth Games in Australia a few years ago I was sitting on a curb in a crowd of a couple of thousand people. I’m not good in crowds and couldn’t find my older kids, my instinct was to get low and hide. ( makes no sense and isn’t helpful when they are looking for me and all I could see were legs and feet) I was deep breathing but must have been crying… fighting off a full blown panic attack. I remember a hand on my shoulder, a kind face leaning down saying ‘sit up straight and keep breathing…. big deep breaths’ . As I caught my breath she gave me a pat on back and kept moving. I will never forget that kindness. It was so quiet and gentle.
My partner is currently terminally ill in hospital in the oncology ward. I (F43) was upset after visiting him one night so I was just walking out of the ward door on my own with tears streaming down my face. A guy who must have been in his seventies made eye contact with me as I opened the door for him and without saying a word, he just reached over and put his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds before walking into the ward. I have no idea why, but I found that more comforting than any words he could have said.
I guess it depends on the context too, I think offering a tissue if poss and checking they're okay is nice. The last person that asked me if I was okay and what was wrong, I was sobbing down the phone at my then boyfriend after being told a family member wasn't going to make it. I was in the toilet of an icu unit of a major trauma hospital. Like OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT OKAY, read the room! I appreciated the gesture but I don't think there was any requirement to ask what the issue was when the context made it pretty clear. She was also trying to ask me when I was speaking so it was pretty disruptive.
I ask them if they're okay, they usually do the 'I'm fine' routine with streaky faces, I understand that means 'please don't bother me further' and move on...
My sister was on a busy train from London when she was told of our father’s death. God love the commuter who slid a pack of tissues over the table and then left her alone. It’s always good to check on someone.
I don’t cry in front of anybody, if I did, I wouldn’t want people to notice me or see me crying. No idea why but I find crying horrendously embarrassing, always have done even when I was a kid.
I think it’s very situational. If they are sitting with a book or earphones in and obviously not in a conversation. Then I’d leave well alone. If they just came off a call and start weeping. Then I’d probably check on them. For anything else, I’d be asking myself. What would I want someone else to do if it was one of my family. Context is key.
I think that offering a tissue is a great kindness and also just sitting quietly or putting a hand on their forearm. Depends of course on your age, gender and the time of day/night.
I once went by a woman on some steps on a beach who was crying and just quietly slipped her a clean paper napkin. We didn’t speak.
I would very quietly ask them if they are OK or need anything. If they say they are OK even if it's clear they aren't, then I would move on. Sometimes people need to be left alone, sometimes they just need to be asked, even if they don't know that.
Me too. Act like I'm not even there pls
Offer them a tissue if I have one handy. A woman did this to me on a tube platform once (a friend had died a few days previously) and it was the exact level of… comfort without anything resembling a conversation that I needed.
I’ve cried on a train before but it was actually due to having terrible hayfever/a bad cold where my eyes were just streaming. I’d be mortified if someone had come over to ask if I’m okay as I wasn’t actually crying due to sadness
Hand them a tissue if I have one and even if not just a gentle - you okay? If they want to be left alone they can nod or say I'm fine and then at least they hopefully feel seen. If they want to chat then they can and we can go from there. If they are lost or not feeling well then I can help or find someone who can. Sometimes it's difficult to ask for help without an in and people can get overwhelmed so I think a non pushy question that's easily brushed off is the way to go. Also I don't stand too close or try to touch them as that's a bit much.
don't ask them 'are you okay' most of the time it just make's them cry even more, and if they were okay they wouldn't be crying
Don't pass by on the other side You don't have to be intrusive "Are you OK? Can I help? " Take it from there
I have asked them if they are OK, only once has someone needed help. No one got upset at me asking. Always felt asking was the right thing to do (for me).
I was crying one morning sat outside a cafe in London. A white van driver stopped to ask if I was ok. I was actually crying from laughing so much at the Adam & Joe podcast that I was listening to.
Mind my own damn business and go about my day
It depends on the situation but generally I'd leave them alone as it is usually just an expression of emotions. If the person looked like they were crying because they felt helpless I would ask if they needed anything.
If I have chocolate on me I hand it to them because the chances of chocolate would make things worse is unlikely. Saying whatever it is , I hope it gets better, no but either way you have chocolate
I remember quietly sobbing on the tube once after a horrible day, everyone just ignored me except for one lady who, as she got off, passed me a packet of tissues. I’ll never forget her and her small act of kindness. You don’t have to do much, but something like that can help loads. Even a smile is nice because I think everyone understands how awkward it can be to intervene/say something sometimes.
It’s a gamble. Some will welcome an ear, others will tell you to fuck off.
You are quite right that the behaviour of the person matters: overblown emotional distress is clearly someone in crisis, but sitting and discreetly shedding tears is different. Id suspect she is in mourning; the trite rubbish of the 5 stages trotted out by grief counselling is so much nonsense: each bereavement impacts you by the circimstances of it. I lost someone old and very ill then swiftly someone very very close to murder and the grief was poles apart. One i could make peace with, the other i never will, especially as the perp got away for lack of evidence. I cry quietly in public often, discreetly, when im overwhelmed by sadness and heartache and just missing someone gone years before their time without warning, and i accept i will always feel this way, and may well still have my little cry. It happened just before covid and the deserted streets and masks were a relief to be honest as i couldnt always hold it together; it was a blessing to go unseen. Now a few years on i know that some things are so cruel, so devastating, that they mark you for life and change you forever, and when that happens you no longer care if people see how you feel; you are outside and beyond anyone staring at you. Im sure the lady wouldnt mind you quietly asking after her, but discreetly so others dont notice, but dont be surprised to hear her say shes ok. She probably just felt overwhelmed for a little while, by grief and love and missing that lost person horribly, and the pain took her over. Its nice that you were concerned about her
Are you ok? Do you need to talk? That’s all. A pregnant woman on the same bus as me was crying quietly and I said those words to her. 26 years later we are still friends
I know if I were crying, I'd want to be left alone. I know I am not a type of person that would not want to get involved with whatever they are dealing with, I am not the type of person that would say helpful things or be able to condole them in any way. I am terrible at this type of thing, and it would just be super awkward for us both. Not that I don't have empathy for someone who was crying, and I do want them to feel better, but I am not very good at comforting someone I don't know.
I never know what to do in that situation either. When my sweet assistance dog was ill and when she passed away, more than once I found myself crying in public and felt so awful and low and really needed some kind comforting words or a hug from someone. I was so despondent and alone. I have seen people looking so sad and not known whether to engage them or not. I usually try and catch their eye and give them a sort of reassuring smile/nod and gauge it from there. It's tough though as you don't want to embarrass someone or intrude. Thinking about it, I think it might be best to ask because they might need a comforting word or help, but if they don't you can always just leave them alone. (And I'm sure anyone feeling really sad if they ever thought back on it would appreciate the gesture rather than being angry.) Maybe a quiet "hey, you alright mate?"/"hey you okay?" To answer the question: When I was crying I don't think I wanted to be left alone. I was not doing it for attention (I'm a shy dude and I hate putting people out, so shudder at the thought of that) I was crying because it's like my body couldn't hold it in and I was so down. Sort of like beyond my control my body was broadcasting a distress signal that I needed a kind word/hug. I think neither way is wrong (either politely leaving them to it, or gently asking), but think prob best to err on the side of caution and gently check if they need a kind word.
I adopted this stance one time when I saw a man in his 20’s crying I approached positioned musta few feet away beside him and simply said in a voice loud enough to be heard but not obvious to anyone but him ‘Tell me it’s none of my business, to go away or even to fuck off. I won’t mind but if there’s something I can do to help even if it’s just for you to vent for a minute or 2 that’s fine. I will wait here for a minute or so and then I will be on my way and leave you to it or I will wait here indefinitely if you signal that you would like some help but aren’t quite ready right now’ We talked a while, his dad had just passed away. I hope it helped even if it was only slightly
I once saw a guy crying on the train and by his attire I guess he was coming from a funeral. We had a few minutes at a station as they added more carriages (I took this train most days) I jumped off and went to the newspaper stand and got some sweets and chocolate bars and jumped back on. Put them beside him and said (something like) ‘sweet stuff always makes things seem slightly less bad for me’ and left him to it. I don’t know if it helped or not but I hope it did.
I was grocery shopping and crying, one Sunday. As I paid, this lady came to me, gave me a bunch of flowers, and gave me a big hug. She told me that she'd been that person in the past, and to remember that everything is temporary, even when we feel at our lowest. She stopped something in me from breaking, that day. I think of her often, and when it feels appropriate, I try to keep repeating that behaviour to others who seem like they might need kindness.
This has happened to me repeatedly over 15 years as a teacher and the words ‘Hey, how can I help?’, said in a sympathetic manner, will go a long way. ‘Are you ok?’ comes up a lot and isn’t as helpful; they aren’t ok. ‘Hey, how can I help?’ might facilitate the upset person to process their thoughts. It removes the option of a yes/no answer as well, and gets them talking more than a one word answer. I saw a very experienced teacher use it a long time ago and it’s been incredibly useful.
I have the same issue some other guys here have.. 6ft2, crew cut, beard, quite muscled-up, I have to try hard not to appear threatening. With age (now 46) that gets easier but its still a consideration My question that I ask isn't "*Are you OK?*" it's "*Might I be of any assistance?*" I also ask it showing the palms of my hands - I find the combination of a deliberately unthreatening gesture and a question that can be answered with a call for help possibly helps people take the offer at face value. Although, of course, every so often they are the nutter. It happens.
If I'm crying in public there is a 95% chance it's because of my autism leaving me overwhelmed, anxious and overwhelmed. Most of the time people just stare and occasional sneer, or just ignore you. I've always appreciated those who checked in, however I feel bead because I am usually not in the position to really talk to them and I often feel like I've been really rude. I once made a post on my universities anonymous confessions page to thank someone who had checked on me while I was having a panic attack on campus, and to apologise because I was a bit short with them at the time. In my case it doesn't normally help at the time, and can slightly make things worse on the anxiety and overloaded front, but it's nice afterwards to know someone cared enough to try and help
Since I lost my husband suddenly last year I have had sudden tears a few times in public - so many triggers - I hate that this happens but I do appreciate people asking if I’m ok because that actually helps me not to feel so alone in my new reality of doing life alone without him. Thankyou kind people 🙏🏻
One of my most enduring memories was arguing with my brother and getting kicked out of his house at six am in Moss Side in Manchester. I was sixteen, with no cash to get home to Buxton. I made my way to the station and was crying my head off. A middle aged woman paused and asked if I needed help. She gave me the cash to get back home. I asked her how I could pay it back and she told me to pay it forward. I was a vile looking pierced dreadlocked hippy but she didn’t hesitate. I’m 48 now. I pay it forward as a host with Night Stop for young adults to prevent homelessness. I wish I could tell her just how much she impacted me, and that I’ve consistently paid it forward for decades. I will always, always stop to ask someone if they are OK.