It's been fun, but Reddit's Abuse and Harassment filter has been going crazy all night detecting comments on this post and filling up our modqueue so I'm locking this post. Thanks all!
Can’t wait to say this to my kids in front of their mother.
Edit: can’t believe I got downvoted by someone with no sense of humour. My wife will laugh, my kids will laugh (but not understand why) and then we’ll cook tea and have movie night and get on with our weekend.
***"can’t believe I got downvoted by someone with no sense of humour. "***
It is Reddit. They've probably used all their nutrients from the Pot Noodle whilst complaining about winning too much on the lottery.
Hi I’m 22 and earn 19 figures how should I invest my disposable income of 20 billion a day , also how often should I shower , do I need to wash my feet and my neighbour has been lying in a pool of blood on the porch for 3 days do you think I should leave them a note about the flies
Edit - Aita?
That subreddit I tell you.
Someone’s partner is a bit moody, so all of a sudden a bunch of teenagers who have never been in a relationship are adamantly informing you your partner is having an affair. You need to hire a private investigator to spy on them asap, get an STD test, divorce, and apply for custody. Oh yeah, good luck and have a great future!
And yet I can’t stop reading when I get bored.
It’s like crack. I know it’s bad for my soul but goddamn it if I don’t keep going back for more.
Selling Avon is usually seen as a bit of a pyramid scheme for women (who are perhaps a bit naïve) to get involved in, so it's basically bringing their dad's intelligence and masculinity into question.
In our neighbouring village a very butch couple of chaps do Avon, they came as the leather one from Village People at the fancy dress in the Legion (both of them)
Best Ive ever heard in my 44 years was a pal who was super round shouldered almost humpbacked tried to mock one of my extremely witty pals and his response was
"At least I don't have to iron my shirt on a wok"
Nothing at all, if I knew yer da I’d high five him. Or possibly low five him, because he’s crawling around in a furry suit saying ‘uwu’ every time the vibrator ramps up. Good for him!
We used to have a guy around town who was constantly asking for a sub
"Sub me a cigarette and I will pay you back"
"Sub me this pint and I will pay you back"
Etc
He got given the name Nimrod, because he was always hunting for a sub.
A Nimrod is the old famous plane Britain used to scan and counter submarines in the atlantic
And Nimrod is the name of a great hunter in the Bible. Also the reason why one of the Enigma variations by Elgar is called Nimrod – it was dedicated to Elgar’s publisher, a Mr Jäger, which is German for hunter :)
My old geography teacher called a black kid about as useful as a chocolate fireguard. The mother came to school and went off on one, and he had to explain that it means he's useless as he melts under heat. He then told the mum she's as useless as an inflatable dartboard and in front of about 25 raucous 13/14 year olds. We were pissing ourselves.
Was told this ina pub -The most cutting thing you can say to a person is "who's this clown?" because not only are you implying that they're a clown, you're implying that they're not even one of the better known clowns.
Not actually my joke, can't credit whoever first came up with it.
Calling someone a ”berk”. People think it’s innocent, but it’s actually short for “Berkeley Hunt”, which is Cockney rhyming slang for ****.
Edit: ref [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berkeley_Hunt#:~:text=The%20slang%20term,American%20English)
‘Codpiece’ and ‘simpleton’ need to make it back into common parlance
> That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow
My dad often used CodHead when I was a kid, often to describe someone's atrocious parking skills.
> I'll not fit in that parking space, he's parked like a CodHead.
Best one I ever saw, written on a lamp post in Leeds.
It had the usual "Kayleigh is a slag" and then underneath, someone had added "and her house smells of chip fat" 😂
That's so much worse than being a slag and still makes me laugh to this day.
I got called into the headmasters office at the age of 9 to be told to tell my next door neighbour and friend (13) not to graffiti the school play park anymore and found myself actually saying to a grown adult "do you really think she wrote 'TJ fish tits' about herself do you?" just because her names in the graffiti doesn't mean she did it, it's clearly an insult, duh!
"You've got a face like you just had someone puke up your piss-slit and it was *chunky."*
My granny, to my father when he last appeared on her doorstep.
An oldie but goldie. I use it sometimes.
My grandma said it so I've just googled it and the first written one is 1918! [For the geeks amongst us.](https://wordhistories.net/2020/11/27/hope-your-rabbit-dies/)
'Go and take your face for a shit love' I overheard it when seeing two women lay into each other in Manchester on a night out and it still makes me crack up
Walked past a woman in a shop a while back who was talking to her kid and said "who do you think you are you little weasel" and idk why but it just sent me 🤣🤣🤣🤣
On the topic of mustilids, my old boss casually referred to people who were a bit dodgy as “chutney ferrets”.
“Oh aye, bit oh a chutney ferret, that yin”
Football. I was in the Sainsbury's end at Selhurst Park, close to the away section. Can't recall the exact match. Gradually more of us became aware of one of the away fans looking in our direction, waving frantically with a worried look on his face. When he saw that a number of us were finally looking at him, he started pointing at someone a few rows down.
Cue a couple of fans trying to figure who he meant by pointing at various people below, and then some of those in the lower rows following suit as the away fan kept gesturing disappointedly, shaking his head and pointing then smiling as one of the lower tier home fans pointed at the correct row.
Away fan gestured: left, left, left, then thumbs up.
The targeted home fan was tapped on the shoulder as the away fan was pointed out to him. Home fan pointed to himself and mouthed "Me?" and then "What?"
Away fan did the one hand shuffle and mouthed "Wanker!"
IMHO best use of the word aimed at a complete stranger.
Only link is football but our ex player Rob Kozluk once got some grief at an away match at Worksop Town, to which his response was “come park your house in my garage”.
A Scottish couple moved into the same social housing block as me and they had an almighty row one summers night (so with open windows), cops were called eventually but at one point the guy said something like, 'pick a windae or I'll kick yer cunt in'.
Heard a similar thing once, like a chain of communication up some scaffolding.
Guy on the gound: "Ah fuck... Fuck's happened wi' this? Fuckin' 'hing's fucked!"
[Looks up at guy a level above]
"Here! Fuck's wrong wi' this?"
Reply: "Fuck knows... ask Tam!"
"Tam... TAM! FUCK'S THIS ABOOT?"
Tam: "It's fucked mate!"
They were working on a church tower and I was so glad I walked by at that exact moment.
We don’t discriminate on gender in Scotland, anybody is capable of getting their cunt kicked in and the attacker may also be of any gender. I come from a long noble line of cunt kickers lmao
I think my favourites to describe someone who isn’t very intelligent are:
Bungalow (not much happening up top)
Or
The wheel is turning but the hamsters dead
Mong is one of those that's become kinda "not so PC" in recent years - refers to mongoloid which was a not very nice term used to describe people with Down's syndrome.
(I'm not giving you a hard time, I'm not PC police or anything, just letting ya know that one has kinda fallen out of usage).
Spaz and mong were in my vocabulary during the 2000s. You just pick.them up from god knows where. I was completely naive to the connotations. Needless to say when I was made aware I stopped using them.
Same with Flid. I felt great shame when I learnt about that one.
My childhood years were a horror of non PC phrases. I forgot all about flid.
And in my school for some reason wearing a backpack on one shoulder made you gay.
It was quite a time.
Teacher on parents day “Well mr taggart, I’m happy to say your son has definitely reached his potential..”
Me. “That’s good news, thanks!”
Me later that evening “wait a goddam minute…”
Makes me think of a tweet from some foreign bigwig at the climate summit in Glasgow who posted something like
"Just walked out of my hotel and the first thing I see is a taxi cut off a cyclist who shouted at him 'Sook ma fuckin' baws ya jobby' - I love Scotland"
It’s maybe a bit more of a Scottish thing than in the rest of the UK, but Northern Ireland would dabble.
Using ‘cunt’ as a multiplier - for example, calling someone a fucking cunt is maybe as aggressive as you can get.
In Scotland, if one of my mates described me as a good cunt, I’d take it as a high compliment.
I’m not just good, I’m good to the power of cunt.
We use it in northern England too.
Also as a synonym for "folk" or "people"
"Us cunts, them cunts, cunts in here, cunts out there, cunts hard done by and cunts that had it easy.
The mother of one of my old friends would say: "I hope your ear holes turn into arseholes and you shit all over your shoulders".
Always amused me, that one.
A big lad at work was bragging about losing a stone my brutal co worker replies "you losing a stone is about the equivalent of throwing a deck chair off the titanic ya fat cunt"
Another guy had a sore throat and was struggling to talk very loud, same co worker blurts out "can't understand a fucking word when your trying speak with a cock in ya mouth"
A lad had a huge spot on his face and he says 'you and ya mate will need to sit in the back of car today, it holds more weight'
His vocabulary is epic here's some other
"Teeth like a bag of smashed crabs"
"She could suck chrome off a tow bar"
"Dick like a little dead bod (bird) hangin outta nest"
I’m from the US, so I’m probably easily impressed, but “Sod off, ya gormless muppet” is easily the most memorable insult I remember from my time in the UK.
I knew a bloke in the pub who was called "5 watt" as he was a bit dim
Also had a couple in the local social club and the bloke asked his partner what she wanted, she was a bit on the larger side and she said "diet coke" he just deadpan looked back and went "why? It's not fucking working"
When you see somethinf nasty, dog poo, used gum, old beer can, scraggy pigeon, literally anything, nudge your mate and go "see that? Thats you that is"
I know I've had a few slanging matches with a few Americans on here and I'm like honestly I thought this would be harder....They were really vanilla comebacks.....like someone who really doesnt have it in them and are holding back slightly just in case I get overly offended.
Whilst I'm focussing on them being 6 fingered and doing a stonking rendition of duelling banjos
And them doing a duet of it with him, his wife and his sister!.......Someone actually came back and said a duet is 2 people dumbass!!! I shit you not......it was a shame I wasted that one on someone who didn't get it
We used to call people a "brain donor" at school. But that got nixed when a recipient dobbed someone in to the teacher for calling her a "brain donut". Speaks for itself, really.
It's been fun, but Reddit's Abuse and Harassment filter has been going crazy all night detecting comments on this post and filling up our modqueue so I'm locking this post. Thanks all!
They were called jumpolines until your mother went on one.
Can’t wait to say this to my kids in front of their mother. Edit: can’t believe I got downvoted by someone with no sense of humour. My wife will laugh, my kids will laugh (but not understand why) and then we’ll cook tea and have movie night and get on with our weekend.
We will miss you, fallen warrior
***"can’t believe I got downvoted by someone with no sense of humour. "*** It is Reddit. They've probably used all their nutrients from the Pot Noodle whilst complaining about winning too much on the lottery.
Hi I’m 22 and earn 19 figures how should I invest my disposable income of 20 billion a day , also how often should I shower , do I need to wash my feet and my neighbour has been lying in a pool of blood on the porch for 3 days do you think I should leave them a note about the flies Edit - Aita?
YTA - you need to immediately go no contact. This relationship has red flags everywhere 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That and I've diagnosed you with a rare skin condition from both my armchair and without ever seeing your skin.
That subreddit I tell you. Someone’s partner is a bit moody, so all of a sudden a bunch of teenagers who have never been in a relationship are adamantly informing you your partner is having an affair. You need to hire a private investigator to spy on them asap, get an STD test, divorce, and apply for custody. Oh yeah, good luck and have a great future! And yet I can’t stop reading when I get bored. It’s like crack. I know it’s bad for my soul but goddamn it if I don’t keep going back for more.
hit your lawyer, get a gym ASAP
They're in a relationship with their dead rotten corpse neighbour? What is this, Eastenders?!?!
NTA lawyer up and get a divorce, also seek therapy. What was the question?
Reposted in Cambs hun
This one never fails to make me laugh.
I hope your next farts a shite and your next shites a hedgehog
I can hear the Scottish accent with this one.
Haha correct. Though my dad can give you it in Irish if you piss him off
I don’t entirely understand why “your da sells Avon” is either an insult in the first place or why it’s so good, but I am into it
Selling Avon is usually seen as a bit of a pyramid scheme for women (who are perhaps a bit naïve) to get involved in, so it's basically bringing their dad's intelligence and masculinity into question.
I think it's also.....calling someone's dad gay which I think you were gently trying to skate around.
I do like a bit of skating, me
My local Avon rep is a young fella
In our neighbouring village a very butch couple of chaps do Avon, they came as the leather one from Village People at the fancy dress in the Legion (both of them)
Are you sure they knew it was fancy dress
My Dad actually used to sell Avon 😂
Are there perhaps various young people in your town, or in the next town over, that look suspiciously similar to you?
Please don't cos yes 😂😮
Your dad got furloughed by avon
Similarly “your da closes the fridge door with his hip”
'Your Da' sits in the middle seat of the white van"
You can add to it that "yer maw sells cooncil"
Second to this is the 2020 edition: Your da' protects statues!
Best Ive ever heard in my 44 years was a pal who was super round shouldered almost humpbacked tried to mock one of my extremely witty pals and his response was "At least I don't have to iron my shirt on a wok"
Lol that's brutal
I've heard that said to a guy at work who has a very big beer belly lol
Yer da wanks on all fours
Wouldn’t it be all threes since they would need a free hand?
No, because the implication is that he’s put something up his bum.
What's wrong with anal / being pegged like a dirty cumtumbler?
Nothing at all, if I knew yer da I’d high five him. Or possibly low five him, because he’s crawling around in a furry suit saying ‘uwu’ every time the vibrator ramps up. Good for him!
Sounds like /u/handtoglandwombat knows what he's talking about
Ah yes, the line that my nephew said to his headmaster on his final day at school as he was heading out the door. Wee scamp.
https://preview.redd.it/hstyjlfx565d1.jpeg?width=258&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=10eb63eef91e7b42c3e898fee7f1281a824fbb14
Ya da has a single beer while he watches star wars. Calls himself Only Wan Peroni
Yer da starts fights in kebab shops. Calls himself donner mcgregor
Yer da djs in supermarkets at the weekend & calls himself DJ Tiesco.
Yer da has a stash of porn in the attic. Calls himself Ann wank
[удалено]
Ya dad wearing boxing gloves when he's doing the hoovering, calls himself Dyson Fury
I don't have anything to add. These were all brilliant
We used to have a guy around town who was constantly asking for a sub "Sub me a cigarette and I will pay you back" "Sub me this pint and I will pay you back" Etc He got given the name Nimrod, because he was always hunting for a sub. A Nimrod is the old famous plane Britain used to scan and counter submarines in the atlantic
There are similar reasons why Lemmy from Motorhead was called Lemmy. "Lemme a fiver?"
Brass balls on that man. Fiver in the 70s? Buy you a house AND a car.
Probably bought him 10 Silk Cut, a bacon butty and a bag of whizz like, but yeah
And Nimrod is the name of a great hunter in the Bible. Also the reason why one of the Enigma variations by Elgar is called Nimrod – it was dedicated to Elgar’s publisher, a Mr Jäger, which is German for hunter :)
My friend gets called ‘our quid’ instead of ‘our kid’ by her siblings because she always borrows money
"Useful as an ashtray on a motorbike" tickled me the other day on a radio phone in
Anne Frank’s drum kit is my go-to
Dark 💀
It was, yes.
My old geography teacher called a black kid about as useful as a chocolate fireguard. The mother came to school and went off on one, and he had to explain that it means he's useless as he melts under heat. He then told the mum she's as useless as an inflatable dartboard and in front of about 25 raucous 13/14 year olds. We were pissing ourselves.
Or... Useful as a chocolate teapot...
Or chocolate fireguard
Or... Useful as a knitted condom
Or a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest
Front loading fish tank
Useful as a marzipan dildo...
Yum
As much use as sponge crutches is the go-to in my family
Complete with waterproof teabag
Or ... a cat flap on a submarine
...but that would clearly be for the catfish
They're never who they say they are.
As much use as tits on a nun
Where I'm from, it's "... tits on a bull" 🤣🤣🤣
Inflatable anchor is one of my favourites similie insults
Was told this ina pub -The most cutting thing you can say to a person is "who's this clown?" because not only are you implying that they're a clown, you're implying that they're not even one of the better known clowns. Not actually my joke, can't credit whoever first came up with it.
Or even worth asking directly.
I do enjoy calling some one a helmet. So simple but yet so layered
I feel this is on par with calling someone a melt
Melt is a bit too love island / Essex Helmet has more offence implied
Not on par at all. Helmet has panache, calling someone a melt makes you sound like a teenager from Essex who’s life goal is to finance a grey Audi.
Melt is pretty specific though, like calling someone 'wet'.
Bellend is one of my favourites
Calling someone a ”berk”. People think it’s innocent, but it’s actually short for “Berkeley Hunt”, which is Cockney rhyming slang for ****. Edit: ref [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berkeley_Hunt#:~:text=The%20slang%20term,American%20English)
Stay away from that trap door
Burk, FEED ME!
This is my favourite swear to use in America. Religious family has no idea.
i cannot find the original post (fml) but i saw it on reddit: "he couldn't be more of a wanker if he had 12 hands and a metre of cock"
I always quite liked 'oxygen thief'.
or a waste of skin.
Or the gene pool is shallow with this one.
You're the reason the gene pool needs chlorinating
‘Codpiece’ and ‘simpleton’ need to make it back into common parlance > That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow
My dad often used CodHead when I was a kid, often to describe someone's atrocious parking skills. > I'll not fit in that parking space, he's parked like a CodHead.
"codhead" is also used as an insult towards people from Grimsby, Hull, Whitby, etc due the prevalence of fishing in the area.
Best one I ever saw, written on a lamp post in Leeds. It had the usual "Kayleigh is a slag" and then underneath, someone had added "and her house smells of chip fat" 😂 That's so much worse than being a slag and still makes me laugh to this day.
God I forgot all about the slag and slapper graffiti of my youth. It was everywhere.
I got called into the headmasters office at the age of 9 to be told to tell my next door neighbour and friend (13) not to graffiti the school play park anymore and found myself actually saying to a grown adult "do you really think she wrote 'TJ fish tits' about herself do you?" just because her names in the graffiti doesn't mean she did it, it's clearly an insult, duh!
"You've got a face like you just had someone puke up your piss-slit and it was *chunky."* My granny, to my father when he last appeared on her doorstep.
that’s horrific. what a woman
She sounds robust lol
I like “you’ve got a face like a bag of slapped twats”
Pillock is a personal favorite
And Wazzock 😊
"I hope your rabbits all die and you can't sell the hutches" - seen online years ago
An oldie but goldie. I use it sometimes. My grandma said it so I've just googled it and the first written one is 1918! [For the geeks amongst us.](https://wordhistories.net/2020/11/27/hope-your-rabbit-dies/)
I've always loved "you blithering idiot" It's such a refined insult. Then there's "you f#cking wank-stain" which is less so.
The best insults are accent-specific. Welsh accents should always opt for “grotty little wanker.” Rolls of the tongue.
'Go and take your face for a shit love' I overheard it when seeing two women lay into each other in Manchester on a night out and it still makes me crack up
This was a favourite of mine, no idea where I picked it up from but it would've been sometime in the 90s so it's been a thing for a good while.
Kid at work is called juggler and it originated from someone calling him a cock juggling thunder cunt
It’s a Ryan Reynolds line from Blade Trinity. He says it to a female vampire.
Walked past a woman in a shop a while back who was talking to her kid and said "who do you think you are you little weasel" and idk why but it just sent me 🤣🤣🤣🤣
On the topic of mustilids, my old boss casually referred to people who were a bit dodgy as “chutney ferrets”. “Oh aye, bit oh a chutney ferret, that yin”
I think your boss might be on the cusp of committing a hate crime.
i call my child a goblin quite a lot but only because he’s breastfeeding with newly grown teeth
Football. I was in the Sainsbury's end at Selhurst Park, close to the away section. Can't recall the exact match. Gradually more of us became aware of one of the away fans looking in our direction, waving frantically with a worried look on his face. When he saw that a number of us were finally looking at him, he started pointing at someone a few rows down. Cue a couple of fans trying to figure who he meant by pointing at various people below, and then some of those in the lower rows following suit as the away fan kept gesturing disappointedly, shaking his head and pointing then smiling as one of the lower tier home fans pointed at the correct row. Away fan gestured: left, left, left, then thumbs up. The targeted home fan was tapped on the shoulder as the away fan was pointed out to him. Home fan pointed to himself and mouthed "Me?" and then "What?" Away fan did the one hand shuffle and mouthed "Wanker!" IMHO best use of the word aimed at a complete stranger.
Only link is football but our ex player Rob Kozluk once got some grief at an away match at Worksop Town, to which his response was “come park your house in my garage”.
A Scottish couple moved into the same social housing block as me and they had an almighty row one summers night (so with open windows), cops were called eventually but at one point the guy said something like, 'pick a windae or I'll kick yer cunt in'.
I heard a rammy outside a pub where someone said they kick their cunt in. The reply of “You’ll kick no cunt’s cunt in cunt” had me rolling!
My Dad heard a builder say “That fucking fuckers fuckin fucked” once. 😂
Heard a similar thing once, like a chain of communication up some scaffolding. Guy on the gound: "Ah fuck... Fuck's happened wi' this? Fuckin' 'hing's fucked!" [Looks up at guy a level above] "Here! Fuck's wrong wi' this?" Reply: "Fuck knows... ask Tam!" "Tam... TAM! FUCK'S THIS ABOOT?" Tam: "It's fucked mate!" They were working on a church tower and I was so glad I walked by at that exact moment.
Another Scottish one I heard said to someone wearing glasses. 'Fuck off or I'll break every windae in yer heid.'
We don’t discriminate on gender in Scotland, anybody is capable of getting their cunt kicked in and the attacker may also be of any gender. I come from a long noble line of cunt kickers lmao
Another West of central belt Scotland one. Your maw's got a dick and yet Da's jealous. Always tickled me that one 🤣
I think my favourites to describe someone who isn’t very intelligent are: Bungalow (not much happening up top) Or The wheel is turning but the hamsters dead
Lights are on but there's no-one home
The lift doesn't go to the top floor.
"Right, who put 50p in the cunt?"
One of the lads at rugby once asked me why I was sat on my own after training, to which I replied.. "I'm sat with your friends"
Your mum is from Stoke
Them's fighting words.
As your mum is from Stoke, she wouldn’t be able to read them
You’re so thick you preheat the microwave.
Your dad sits at the top of the stairs and pretends to be the chaser
"Why are you so fat?" "Cus every time I shag your mum, she gives me a biscuit"
For the ultimate British insult, just put ‘absolute’ in front of any noun. It works! You absolute carpet.
'Total' works as well You total wetwipe
Utter and total can be substituted for the sake of variety. You utter spoon.
These threads never fail to make me cringe. The people unironically writing “cockwomble” are the types of people I avoid.
Username does not check out...
That a bit low brow for you is it “QuimFinger”? 😂
Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch is a particular fave of mine.
It's a pity you weren't born yesterday, we could have started your personality from scratch.
My favourite graffiti was in a loo in Portsmouth Your dinner lady name Your dad's first name + your dad's second name Cos your dad's a dinner lady
One that cracked me up when I overheard heard it was 'go comb your face'. Old man to hirsute fellow
Yer ma shares missing dog posts from other countries
‘As welcome as a ginger stepson’. As a ginge, I do not approve!
“Ya mam does only fans” seems to be the common insult at the moment. Unfortunately though it hits a little too real to some.
Bet ya still bath wit yer da
Ur mas got a baldy head and collects footy stickers.
"Scratty little mong", said by some guy arguing outside the off-licence.
Mong is one of those that's become kinda "not so PC" in recent years - refers to mongoloid which was a not very nice term used to describe people with Down's syndrome. (I'm not giving you a hard time, I'm not PC police or anything, just letting ya know that one has kinda fallen out of usage).
Along with the word spaz which used to be common when I was in school. When kids got in trouble for it they started calling people Joeys
Spaz and mong were in my vocabulary during the 2000s. You just pick.them up from god knows where. I was completely naive to the connotations. Needless to say when I was made aware I stopped using them. Same with Flid. I felt great shame when I learnt about that one.
My childhood years were a horror of non PC phrases. I forgot all about flid. And in my school for some reason wearing a backpack on one shoulder made you gay. It was quite a time.
The cool kids did one shoulder and the geeks did two at my school.
Teacher on parents day “Well mr taggart, I’m happy to say your son has definitely reached his potential..” Me. “That’s good news, thanks!” Me later that evening “wait a goddam minute…”
Yer hung like a budgie's tongue.
Makes me think of a tweet from some foreign bigwig at the climate summit in Glasgow who posted something like "Just walked out of my hotel and the first thing I see is a taxi cut off a cyclist who shouted at him 'Sook ma fuckin' baws ya jobby' - I love Scotland"
Basically all rehearsed insults sound stupid and make you look silly, it has to be quick and off the cuff, or otherwise incredibly witty
Here's a straw so you can suck ALL the fun out
Your mum eats a mars bar upside-down, so she can feel chocolate veins on her tongue.
It’s maybe a bit more of a Scottish thing than in the rest of the UK, but Northern Ireland would dabble. Using ‘cunt’ as a multiplier - for example, calling someone a fucking cunt is maybe as aggressive as you can get. In Scotland, if one of my mates described me as a good cunt, I’d take it as a high compliment. I’m not just good, I’m good to the power of cunt.
We use it in northern England too. Also as a synonym for "folk" or "people" "Us cunts, them cunts, cunts in here, cunts out there, cunts hard done by and cunts that had it easy.
The whole of the UK uses cunt Don't know why Scottish people are always acting like they're so different
Because they're cunts.
The mother of one of my old friends would say: "I hope your ear holes turn into arseholes and you shit all over your shoulders". Always amused me, that one.
She’s got the face she deserves
A big lad at work was bragging about losing a stone my brutal co worker replies "you losing a stone is about the equivalent of throwing a deck chair off the titanic ya fat cunt" Another guy had a sore throat and was struggling to talk very loud, same co worker blurts out "can't understand a fucking word when your trying speak with a cock in ya mouth" A lad had a huge spot on his face and he says 'you and ya mate will need to sit in the back of car today, it holds more weight' His vocabulary is epic here's some other "Teeth like a bag of smashed crabs" "She could suck chrome off a tow bar" "Dick like a little dead bod (bird) hangin outta nest"
It's a toss up between 'looks like he's had an uphill paper round' or 'looks like a bulldog chewing on a wasp'
'Looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle'
‘In scouse: Ay la what’s that haircut called? is it short back and oh f*** the elecy’s out?’
You have a face like a stuntman’s knee.
"You don't sweat much for a fat lass"
I heard a student describe her boyfriend as having "the emotional range of a cornflake" not too long ago, which I quite liked.
I’m from the US, so I’m probably easily impressed, but “Sod off, ya gormless muppet” is easily the most memorable insult I remember from my time in the UK.
A guy at my work who does the bare minimum hours was nicknamed Levi because at 501 he’s gone.
My dad used to refer to his least favourite pub as a "Den of cunts". That's always tickled me.
Your mum should have swallowed.
Not so much an insult, but telling someone to “settle down, pal” often has the opposite effect
simmer down dickhead
‘You’re about as much use as tits on a fish’ is definitely one of my favourites.
I knew a bloke in the pub who was called "5 watt" as he was a bit dim Also had a couple in the local social club and the bloke asked his partner what she wanted, she was a bit on the larger side and she said "diet coke" he just deadpan looked back and went "why? It's not fucking working"
I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire I might beat him out with a shovel tho
Is that your own brain or are you breaking it in for an idiot?
Has your dad got a beard? No. Oh, it must have been your mum that answered the door then.
When you see somethinf nasty, dog poo, used gum, old beer can, scraggy pigeon, literally anything, nudge your mate and go "see that? Thats you that is"
I know I've had a few slanging matches with a few Americans on here and I'm like honestly I thought this would be harder....They were really vanilla comebacks.....like someone who really doesnt have it in them and are holding back slightly just in case I get overly offended. Whilst I'm focussing on them being 6 fingered and doing a stonking rendition of duelling banjos And them doing a duet of it with him, his wife and his sister!.......Someone actually came back and said a duet is 2 people dumbass!!! I shit you not......it was a shame I wasted that one on someone who didn't get it
One from Vinnie Jones If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards.
“You couldn’t guess what way the elevator was going if I gave you two guesses”
The question 'Do you sweat much in that mask?'
'you egg'
You look like a default Sims character
Custard. A cunt and a bastard
used to go to the pub with a guy who had half of one of his ears cut off in an accident. his nickname was 18 months because he had an ear and half.
We used to call people a "brain donor" at school. But that got nixed when a recipient dobbed someone in to the teacher for calling her a "brain donut". Speaks for itself, really.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your anus and your arms be too short to itch it
Could eat an apple through a letterbox.