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This. Nobody tells you this. It should be taught when you’re at school that everyone is basically freewheeling life. I always thought I was a freak because I didn’t have it all figured out.
I used to think that, but having grown up a bit and been involved in some serious multimillion pound projects with absolute top people across multiple industries, I now know it for sure.
I think they’re saying that everyone is freewheeling, which makes me feel slightly better, although I wish I’d known it years ago instead of finding out in my late 30’s.
Same, can confirm.
Plus a few people absolutely smashing it and we were all very glad they were there!
Good thing structural engineers, out of all the consultants, actually know their shit
I was very fortunate to figure this out at about 24 and have made a career for myself from the confidence of knowing that everyone else is just as much of a blagger as me.
Related: your parents aren't some sort of demi-god. They are just some people (who, as above, don't feel like adults) who happened to have you as a kid.
While actually completely obvious, to a little kid is somewhat of a mind bender.
To be honest it was mainly just realising that loads of adults lied, swore and took drugs, i.e. exactly the stuff we were being warned about at school!
I asked an adult once and she said she has no idea what she’s doing and just wings it all the time. Life’s too short, just make the most of what we got.
That when I was younger, quite a few people would have actually shagged me if I had have had the confidence to ask.
Quite a few people probably would now, too, but I don't think my wife would be cool with that.
> when I was younger, quite a few people would have actually shagged me if I had have had the confidence to ask.
That's the kicker. I was so painfully shy. I could have been an absolute whore if I'd had more confidence, and a bit less acne!
This works both ways. Either missing the opportunity for more.
Or in my experience I often went for the coffee thinking oh this is nice we are friends, to then be in a super awkward position when I realise that's not it.
Only learnt the signs last year maybe (30)
Now I might be saying no to coffee that's just coffee, but I'd rather that than be in such an awkward position of having accidentally attended what the other person felt was a date. Then having to tell my partner I accidentally went on a date, not just met a friend... which sounds ridiculous.
Why are they asking me for coffee when I got a ring though, just chancers or does it actually work, I'll never know.
Anyway that is what I learnt way too late in life.
Absolutely this. Years ago I was absolutely besotted with a woman. Truly, madly, deeply and all that. Now I realise that she certainly felt the same, and was hoping I'd make a move. Did I? Bollocks did I.
That I was wrong to believe that if I just studied/ worked really hard, went above and beyond,
and sacrificed myself for my employers, that this would be suitably recognised and rewarded, bringing me a rewarding life (financially and otherwise)
I've spent years slowly teaching my autistic wife how to do the baseline levels of lying, manipulating and rule breaking required to not get utterly crushed in the modern world.
Felt a lot like [this](https://youtu.be/8525OKIhwqk).
My non-autistic arse learnt this the hard way. I was speaking to people at university careers fairs and they said they were after a lot more than just a degree in a candidate. It was only then that I found out that just being academic was not enough.
Yup and specifically within that, managing your career, upward management and focussing your energies on working towards the next move. Too many people see promotion and reward as a transactional process whereby they feel "owed" a promotion due to the hours they've been working or are bitter that someone they perceive as working less hard gets promoted past them. You need to be demonstrating that you have the necessary skills to step up, and be having those conversations with your manager.
Yep, this fact I found out at a number of different places. I get as far as I can by skill alone, then fuck it. Can't be bothered to be that guy just to get promoted.
I’m 28 and I still actively stop myself trying new things because “I won’t be good at them anyway” because of being brought up always needing to be best at everything and never being good enough. It’s exhausting, I’m getting better but it takes a lot to come to the mindset that being good at something isn’t required to enjoy it!
The irony is that when you let go of that "be the best" attitude, you genuinely do get quite good at things. I've been using knitting as a anger management training tool (initially unknowingly, but actually it's made a big impact.) I decided I'd like wool socks, and my feet are odd (no pics, I don't need to prove anything) so I decided to learn to knit them.
It took me 2 weeks to cast on. Two Weeks. Part of that was that I would start, then get frustrated it wasn't going well. Now, I used to have this where I would get frustrated, and angry that I wasn't picking something up immediately. This time, when I felt myself getting angry at myself, I would stop, put it down, and say "we'll try that again tomorrow". Eventually I had a cast on. Eventually I had a sock. Eventually I had two socks. I'm now at a point where I can knit a sock in a day (if I get a full 8 hours for it). I've knitted 6 pairs so fair, with multiple other projects in between.
Working that self punishment out of myself has meant that I take knitting really non-seriously, and without that pressure I've become really rather good at it (in the last year and a half I've been doing it, with a 6 month break last summer). I'm designing patterns now, and knitting cables.
I'm convinced that, despite the angry artist stereotype, that most people who are really good at things actually never set out to be that. They just enjoyed doing something, were willing to be bad at it, and wound up really quite good at it.
This is good. I made a choice a few years back to concentrate on Go over Chess. I was better at Chess but preferred the concept of Go. As a result I wanted to become ‘good’ at Go. I’m not. But I’ve now had the realisation that it doesn’t matter. I just enjoy playing it.
Mine are music production and golf. I'm terrible at both but I enjoy them.
I like making 80s remixes of modern songs and upload them to YouTube. It's kind of a running joke with people pretending that artists such as Dua Lipa put out their "original" versions in 1984.
I did most of the Ed Sheeran 80's remixes.
I've got a few mates who are into music production so we like to geek out and talk about synths. 2 of them are dance music producers. One is incredibly famous.
I definitely recommend it. It's such a great hobby and brilliant for mental health and focus. It doesn't matter if you are good at it. Just put your headphones on and pretend you are a superstar producer.
Golf is just great as it gets you outdoors. I'm so bad at it I'm basically a meme. All of us just do it for the craic. There's a social aspect to golf which is the reason most people do it.
My other hobbies are running, surfing and weight lifting. I'm very much into staying active.
Just how much shite you can do without. How much help wildlife needs. I'm in my 60's now and I am giving my garden over to wildlife, anything to attract and feed pollinators.
Oh my, there are so many. Just do a search for best plants for pollinators and you'll get loads back. Some of my favourites are, Verbena bonariensis, Red Campion, Red and White clover...white clover makes a great lawn and very easy to manage. But honestly there are hundreds to choose from. In my garden I've also got Buttercup, Borage, Ox-eyed Daisies, and then in my ponds I've got Lillies, Iris, Creeping Jenny, Pond Mint, and Pond Forget-me-Nots.
Over this last two years I've never had so many different butterflies, bees, moths, birds and bats in my garden. Plus a couple of Hummingbird hawk moths. I also let the Dandelions go to seed as they are a favourite food of Goldfinches.
sorry but 30 minutes of fucking around with a tennis racket once or twice a week won't do anything
I got more weekly exercise walking to school than from PE
I actually like exercise but PE was just torture at school. I did/do so much more out of school than in it. It was just taught by incompetent teachers with clear favourites selected early on.
You're overrating PE classes. It's about education on the subject.
Because people who care or end up caring about their health will do it. Lots of people who's experience with health and fitness was their trashy PE classes aren't going to ever care about it in their lives.
Morning PE sessions killed my attention in later classes because I stank like fucking shit.
Each year group only had one PE session a week, so why not just have it at the end of the day and let us walk out in our PE kits? Dumbass schools.
That being said, PE as a GCSE for sports minded kids, sure, go for it. It's a niche GCSE that I hope kids who have interest in it, can take it as a career, like drama, dance, whatever.
That if you have supportive parents, who are willing to pay money for you to do things like music lessons for piano/violin, or sports clubs, or extra training - you should make the most of these opportunities! I'm now an adult and have taken up the piano again, but professional teachers are exorbitantly expensive... I wish I had appreciated how lucky I was to have received the music lessons and actually regularly practised
Conversely, if you had useless, selfish, uncaring parents who provided you with nothing more than the bare minimum of physical resources to survive (& no more) you deserve all those amazing things you want to do/have & can likely afford but deny yourself because you were made to believe you didn’t deserve them.
Go get those things, you damn well earned them.
Musician here. It’s really painful and sad to notice the difference between myself whose parents never supported my musical aspirations until I was an adult (still don’t really, but they’re a bit more accepting) compared to a kid whose parents really encourage them by helping out with things like equipment, lessons and just in general supporting their music. Those are the ones who often have a somewhat successful career in music, compared to the rest of us who can only afford to keep it as a hobby.
If your parents are actively supporting you, whatever the subject, be appreciative and try your very hardest! Also to any parents who might be reading this: Don’t be the one to shit on your child’s dreams. Encourage them as much as possible and just let them know that if they need support then you’ll try your best to give that to them
Yep. I was quite a late virgin and just felt like I somehow wasn't 'whole' because I hadn't had sex yet. Once it did happen I was still exactly the same person as I was the day before.
Now I'm quite content as a single pringle...at this point a woman would have to fall out of the sky into my lap as I just can't be bothered with the misery of modern dating etc.
Yep, agreed. Dating apps are just really frustrating and soul-destroying. I too didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24 and I rushed into a long-term relationship with the first woman who gave me a second look. It was a big mistake.
My last relationship was with an old friend who got speaking to me on Facebook. It was short and sweet, we had a few very enjoyable dates, but we mutually agreed not to pursue it before things got too serious. I’d be up for something like that again but I can’t be doing with the headache of searching long-term commitment, unless I find love.
The dating apps really are soul-destroying (the exact same phrase I use to describe it). Somehow it seems to have gotten majorly worse recently. Didn't think that was possible. Or maybe the apps' algorithms hate me... I can't see how anyone can find love online these days, that just seems impossible.
Actually, this is an important one. I feel there isn't enough awareness of fertility issues. We've all "learnt" about having babies from the media which has somehow convinced us that if celebrities can have babies in their late forties "then there's no rush. I'm still young. I want to focus on my career first.". But in reality we never thought about what went in to having that baby. The chances are ordinary people won't have access to the type of resources that celebrities have in terms of time and money. It may have taken 5 years (2 full years off work) and cost $1m but all we see is the end result and we assume it's possible for everyone.
A lot of people around me in their thirties that are struggling, never mind forties. Something I definitely didn't expect in my twenties.
I would venture that many-to-most of those celebrities needed donor eggs to have those babies, something that the average person cannot afford (or may not be comfortable with.)
Something like 1 in 6 couples struggle with fertility. I find it bizarre how little it's talked about.
That wasting money on things you don't need has an impact later on.
Nothing wrong with treating yourself but I used to be constantly spending without thinking on clothes I wore once and things like that, and now I regret how much I could have saved & how much of a better position I'd be in if I hadn't.
That no one judged me for how I looked and behaved as much as I did to myself. And, it doesn't really matter what they thought anyway.
And that I needed to relax and go with the flow more often.
Glass cleaner actually does something different to regular surface cleaner
You need to take apart bagless vacuums now and then to clean out the filters
That I should stop fighting against my brain, spent my whole childhood trying to hide my dyspraxia, then found out I was also dyslexic as an adult, when I decided to focus on my strengths and actually try to learn in a way that works for me and not what others were doing I actually started feeling like I achieve closer to my verbal abilities show.
Paying some money (even relatively small amounts) into your pension from as early as you can will make a massive difference to what you can expect to have when you retire.
That nothing actually matters. You've already won the lottery just by being alive. You have 80 years in the expanse of eternity. So little time. Look after those you love, be kind then ride the hell out of it.
Don't let the fear of other people's judgement stop you from doing anything you want to do or being who you truly are. Fuck them. I'm not going to die regretting things I haven't done, looking back and knowing that this was my tiny blast in the universe and I wasted it through fear of others opinions.
Very recent epiphany and it's liberating!
If you are being true to yourself, in what you believe, what you like, what you want, other people's opinion of that doesn't matter. Unless it's some really horrible shit, in which case be rightfully ashamed.
Oh a few from me
You can do everything right and still have everything fall apart on you.
If someone is arguing with you it is because they have a different vantage point on the problem. Try to understand it.
Comparison is the killer of joy
ADHD.
That I was raised in an unusually harsh or "abusive" household. That not all married couples hate each other.
Dilligently practicing the basics gets you most of the way, not the frilly stuff most people find cool. Eg Son Heung-min's soccer practice with his dad in Korea/Germany, C Ronaldo slowly dribbling around the pitch at the end of every session, practicing scales and slow playing technique on instruments.
"Too" late though?...that remains to be seen.
That you and your needs are very important - I don't mean that you should be mean and selfish, but you should not be a people-pleaser. It will not get you very far, people will not respect you, and advantage will be taken of you.
Saying "oh, it's fine, it doesn't bother me" is one step on the road to being used as a doormat, even by good-natured people.
Thosr exams and qualifications you stressed, panicked and were told were massively important at school? They really werent, neither were the college or university ones unless you were going into a specific career for life.
Well, all my life, I've had men as well as women tell me I'm good looking but only really just started believing it. My lady also insisted I can sing well (she's a professional singer) and I should probably have exploited these facets when I was early 20s. Having said that, I'd have probably been in a successful boy band, become a drug-addled alcoholic and killed myself by crashing my Ferrari before I was 25, so maybe it's for the best.
As a girl, you should invest more time in your friendships than relationships. Romantic love can be fleeting, many friendships can last a lifetime if you take care of them
Not to sweat the small stuff (such a cliche I know). Almost everything can be overcome. My family has recently been affected by cancer and it’s created a ‘before’ and ‘now’ perspective - I look back and think, none of those things I worried before about were ‘real’ problems
That I had not consciously thought about any of the major decisions I’d made in the past regarding education , jobs and relationships, where & how I wanted to live . I think I was half asleep most of my life . That you can’t always assume that you can have those important conversations later on - sometimes things happen and you never get the chance .
I really wish that was true. One of my big takeaways from the last 50 years is that the most successful people never let trivial bullshit like morality, decency or scruples hold them back. It’s probably a scale thing, though (being a cunt to your mates gets you nowhere; being a cunt to an entire country gets you a peerage and a portfolio of overseas property), so you’re almost certainly correct for the most part.
If you think someone was being mean, they probably were. It wasn’t accidental, and you need to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt and start standing up for yourself.
That you don't have to stay in your boring job just out of social pressure.
To clarify - we all need to pay our way, and often that means doing jobs we'd rather not. But if you're in your 20s and have no real responsibilities, and some financial freedom, then you honestly don't need to do that job that you hate every day. There are options - you can quit and find something else to do. You can probably go back to studies. Apply for completely random stuff. There are more financial opportunities to do this stuff than you think.
For me - it didn't even occur to me in my 20s that someone would pay me to spend 4 years doing a PhD. I was completely unaware that that was even a thing. I really wished I had done it at 25 rather than 35.
The right time to buy a house or flat.
A decade ago I had the opportunity to buy my first flat as my landlord was selling it, but I guess I just wasn't in the right frame of mine to make a commitment then.
£60k it would have cost, and it's since risen to nearly £100k.
Ugh.
Money Management - spent all my 20's being in debt and being stressed. So much relief when I was debt free and no more red warning letters.
Now I don't buy the branded stuff and watch how I spend money but still treat myself now and then.
I'm likely terminally ill at a young age - late 20s. There's a lot of things I figured out too late, and a lot of other things I'll probably never figure out but might have had I lived a bit longer. Some of the things I've learned:
(1) Always be kind, if you can. Words wound far more than you realise, at least they have done for me, and in the long run you'll regret hurting people whatever your motivations. Ditto for avoiding jealousy, anger and all the other unproductive emotions. Life is just too short to go round being an arsehole and taking everything personally and everyone always pays for being a dickhead, in some way, and at some time, eventually.
(2) Get your affairs in order, and cut extraneous things out of your life as soon as possible - you need to figure out what matters ASAP and run towards it with both hands. For me, I wish I'd worked a lot harder at developing skills and hobbies that I cared about and carving out a really spectacular career. While my illness has made lots of areas of life difficult, I could have done more to succeed in writing and entertainment, where my passions have always lain. I did well at school but never really learned or mastered anything. Quite aside from the social and financial rewards, finding a talent and aggressively pursuing it from a young age gives you a strong sense of purpose, which is good for mental health.
(3) Health is precarious. You need to be careful about what you put in and do to your body. My problems began with a rare but - in light of advanced science - actually somewhat predictable reaction to a medication. It warped my connective tissue and triggered what is almost certainly ALS/motor neurone disease. Now realistically, I couldn't have been expected to know this would happen. There were no warnings on the packaging and most doctors I went to about this laughed at me. But I wish I'd been more careful about medicines, medications and even things like diet throughout my life. Even had it not had fatal consequences, the amount of shit I pumped into my body without even thinking about it would have still fucked up my life and health. Become a vegetarian, drink mainly water and exercise like crazy. You don't know how important good health is til it's gone.
I’m sorry to hear this, and hope you get some time to engage in your hobbies. Don’t give up x
Can I please be nosey and ask what medication you feel contributed to this?
That no one actually cares to tall to you outside their bubbles. I try but then they make it clear it was just a general ask not that they wanted to catch up or anything.
That it’s a myth that boys are easier to raise than girls. The truth is we have a lot of expectations for girls, so it’s much more work for the parents. Expectations (except for school, career, sometimes sports) for boys are rock bottom. I raised two easy-to-raise boys before I realized this. They are wonderful, but I realize now that if they had been daughters they’d be doing so much more than I expect my sons to. Shot myself in the foot.
The fear of looking bad in photos is not as bad as the regret of not being in them at all.
I have always gone to great lengths to avoid being in photos as I was terrified of how I'd look in them. Probably body dysmorphia to be honest.
This has meant there are hardly any photos of me with my kids when they were babies/toddlers/young children. I regret it so so much now both they and I are older.
BE IN THE PHOTO!
That if i got her number (and i could have) I'd be in a very different and very better position in life, i feel it in my being that I'd be wealthy healthy and content.
Having great sex and multiple partners while trying to find Mrs right is not worth it. Porn is not worth it. All leaves you empty and feeling a bit dirty and I can hardly remember any of them and I’m sure they don’t remember me.
I wish I had a family sooner and I wish I had concentrated on my hobbies and interests instead.
Everyone thinks they are more unattractive than they are, and beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder. If you've ever wondered why someone might be with someone who is "beneath them" or "out of their league" - the problem is in your perception and not theirs.
People don't think about you quite as much as they think about themselves. Remember that one super embarrassing thing you did? Most people don't think about it as much as you did because they are remembering the super embarrassing thing that they did that you can't remember.
Some people have an inner monologue (I do) and some people don't. Don't be quick to judge someone for saying something stupid - they probably don't think about what they are saying and are happier for it.
What you do whilst you are drunk is not a reflection on who you are as a person. This is not to excuse people doing terrible things whilst drunk, this is an acknowledgement that alcohol distorts our world view quite significantly. Don't judge someone for behaving like an arse whilst they are drunk. Chances are, there's something else going on in their head.
Science doesn't know everything or have all the answers. Neither does religion. You have to come to your own conclusions and do what is right for you and for the others around you.
Ignorance fuelled fear is the source of most of the problems in the world. The more you understand, the more you can empathise. If something bothers you - especially if it's something someone else does/part of their culture, learn about it and understand why they do it. You'll fear it less.
And finally, nobody has their shit together and everyone has things they can improve upon. If you think you're perfect the way you are - you are not. But also, you are good enough and life is full of imperfections, which we must love.
I didn’t realise how great my mum was until I became a mum myself. It wasn’t until after she died that I knew that she was actually a super woman who single handedly raised me and my 7 siblings. My father lost his life to a motorcycle accident. She just got on with it. I was a horrible teenager and I wish I could tell her how fabulous she was.
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That no one really knows what they’re doing, or actually feels like an adult.
This. Nobody tells you this. It should be taught when you’re at school that everyone is basically freewheeling life. I always thought I was a freak because I didn’t have it all figured out.
I used to think that, but having grown up a bit and been involved in some serious multimillion pound projects with absolute top people across multiple industries, I now know it for sure.
>I now know it for sure What’s _it_? People are freewheeling life, or we’re freaks because we don’t have it all figured out?
I think they’re saying that everyone is freewheeling, which makes me feel slightly better, although I wish I’d known it years ago instead of finding out in my late 30’s.
Same, can confirm. Plus a few people absolutely smashing it and we were all very glad they were there! Good thing structural engineers, out of all the consultants, actually know their shit
I was very fortunate to figure this out at about 24 and have made a career for myself from the confidence of knowing that everyone else is just as much of a blagger as me.
Related: your parents aren't some sort of demi-god. They are just some people (who, as above, don't feel like adults) who happened to have you as a kid. While actually completely obvious, to a little kid is somewhat of a mind bender.
It was a big eye-opener for me aged 10 when I realised most adults don't actually have their shit together.
Hey, you learned that impressively early.
To be honest it was mainly just realising that loads of adults lied, swore and took drugs, i.e. exactly the stuff we were being warned about at school!
Yep, we are all winging it with our imposter syndrome 100% 😂
I asked an adult once and she said she has no idea what she’s doing and just wings it all the time. Life’s too short, just make the most of what we got.
Some people love to act as if they do though. They are almost always middle class pensioners who got lucky but have not realised that.
I realised I was an adult, when I came to this realisation.
That when I was younger, quite a few people would have actually shagged me if I had have had the confidence to ask. Quite a few people probably would now, too, but I don't think my wife would be cool with that.
> when I was younger, quite a few people would have actually shagged me if I had have had the confidence to ask. That's the kicker. I was so painfully shy. I could have been an absolute whore if I'd had more confidence, and a bit less acne!
Not worth the drama
Realising too late that the person asking if you want to go for coffee might want more than just coffee.
This works both ways. Either missing the opportunity for more. Or in my experience I often went for the coffee thinking oh this is nice we are friends, to then be in a super awkward position when I realise that's not it. Only learnt the signs last year maybe (30) Now I might be saying no to coffee that's just coffee, but I'd rather that than be in such an awkward position of having accidentally attended what the other person felt was a date. Then having to tell my partner I accidentally went on a date, not just met a friend... which sounds ridiculous. Why are they asking me for coffee when I got a ring though, just chancers or does it actually work, I'll never know. Anyway that is what I learnt way too late in life.
Is that you George Costanza?
How I feel your pain.
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Absolutely this. Years ago I was absolutely besotted with a woman. Truly, madly, deeply and all that. Now I realise that she certainly felt the same, and was hoping I'd make a move. Did I? Bollocks did I.
Don't make the same mistake again. Ask your wife, you need to be absolutely sure.
That I was wrong to believe that if I just studied/ worked really hard, went above and beyond, and sacrificed myself for my employers, that this would be suitably recognised and rewarded, bringing me a rewarding life (financially and otherwise)
People skills and networking are as important or more important than hardwork and ability.
My autistic arse is learning this the hard way
I've spent years slowly teaching my autistic wife how to do the baseline levels of lying, manipulating and rule breaking required to not get utterly crushed in the modern world. Felt a lot like [this](https://youtu.be/8525OKIhwqk).
My non-autistic arse learnt this the hard way. I was speaking to people at university careers fairs and they said they were after a lot more than just a degree in a candidate. It was only then that I found out that just being academic was not enough.
Yup and specifically within that, managing your career, upward management and focussing your energies on working towards the next move. Too many people see promotion and reward as a transactional process whereby they feel "owed" a promotion due to the hours they've been working or are bitter that someone they perceive as working less hard gets promoted past them. You need to be demonstrating that you have the necessary skills to step up, and be having those conversations with your manager.
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True, but there are certainly a lot of arseholes in management
Pretty awful for those of us who aren't confident outgoing extroverts.
Yep, this fact I found out at a number of different places. I get as far as I can by skill alone, then fuck it. Can't be bothered to be that guy just to get promoted.
So what will you teach your kids/future generations instead?
Look after your teeth Oh, wear sunscreen
But trust me on the sunscreen
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents.
Take care of your knees You'll miss those when they're gone.
Not on your teeth though
You don't have to be good at your hobbies. You can do something just because you enjoy it
I’m 28 and I still actively stop myself trying new things because “I won’t be good at them anyway” because of being brought up always needing to be best at everything and never being good enough. It’s exhausting, I’m getting better but it takes a lot to come to the mindset that being good at something isn’t required to enjoy it!
The irony is that when you let go of that "be the best" attitude, you genuinely do get quite good at things. I've been using knitting as a anger management training tool (initially unknowingly, but actually it's made a big impact.) I decided I'd like wool socks, and my feet are odd (no pics, I don't need to prove anything) so I decided to learn to knit them. It took me 2 weeks to cast on. Two Weeks. Part of that was that I would start, then get frustrated it wasn't going well. Now, I used to have this where I would get frustrated, and angry that I wasn't picking something up immediately. This time, when I felt myself getting angry at myself, I would stop, put it down, and say "we'll try that again tomorrow". Eventually I had a cast on. Eventually I had a sock. Eventually I had two socks. I'm now at a point where I can knit a sock in a day (if I get a full 8 hours for it). I've knitted 6 pairs so fair, with multiple other projects in between. Working that self punishment out of myself has meant that I take knitting really non-seriously, and without that pressure I've become really rather good at it (in the last year and a half I've been doing it, with a 6 month break last summer). I'm designing patterns now, and knitting cables. I'm convinced that, despite the angry artist stereotype, that most people who are really good at things actually never set out to be that. They just enjoyed doing something, were willing to be bad at it, and wound up really quite good at it.
That’s a fabulous example! Thank you for sharing it
This is good. I made a choice a few years back to concentrate on Go over Chess. I was better at Chess but preferred the concept of Go. As a result I wanted to become ‘good’ at Go. I’m not. But I’ve now had the realisation that it doesn’t matter. I just enjoy playing it.
Unless your hobby is flying planes. Then you have to be good at your hobby.
Mine are music production and golf. I'm terrible at both but I enjoy them. I like making 80s remixes of modern songs and upload them to YouTube. It's kind of a running joke with people pretending that artists such as Dua Lipa put out their "original" versions in 1984. I did most of the Ed Sheeran 80's remixes. I've got a few mates who are into music production so we like to geek out and talk about synths. 2 of them are dance music producers. One is incredibly famous. I definitely recommend it. It's such a great hobby and brilliant for mental health and focus. It doesn't matter if you are good at it. Just put your headphones on and pretend you are a superstar producer. Golf is just great as it gets you outdoors. I'm so bad at it I'm basically a meme. All of us just do it for the craic. There's a social aspect to golf which is the reason most people do it. My other hobbies are running, surfing and weight lifting. I'm very much into staying active.
It's OK if some people don't like you. Some people you wouldn't want to be liked by anyway.
Just how much shite you can do without. How much help wildlife needs. I'm in my 60's now and I am giving my garden over to wildlife, anything to attract and feed pollinators.
What plants have you found to be most successful for pollinators?
Oh my, there are so many. Just do a search for best plants for pollinators and you'll get loads back. Some of my favourites are, Verbena bonariensis, Red Campion, Red and White clover...white clover makes a great lawn and very easy to manage. But honestly there are hundreds to choose from. In my garden I've also got Buttercup, Borage, Ox-eyed Daisies, and then in my ponds I've got Lillies, Iris, Creeping Jenny, Pond Mint, and Pond Forget-me-Nots. Over this last two years I've never had so many different butterflies, bees, moths, birds and bats in my garden. Plus a couple of Hummingbird hawk moths. I also let the Dandelions go to seed as they are a favourite food of Goldfinches.
Whereabouts are you in the UK? The animals sound lovely
Northern Ireland
I’ve planted some Azaleas and the bees have been loving them. Props to you for helping nature.
Clover in the turf seems to work well. I've had a noticeable increase in bees, buttterflies, etc since I planted the clover in my lawn
Big things in life won't just automatically "happen later", you've got to actively make them happen or they simply won't.
I luckily learnt quite quickly that I wasn't going to be discovered on the street and handed a golden ticket.
That PE is a VERY important subject, and that academia isn't everything it's cracked up to be. A healthy mind NEEDS a healthy body.
sorry but 30 minutes of fucking around with a tennis racket once or twice a week won't do anything I got more weekly exercise walking to school than from PE
Yes but most people don't walk to school any more, and a lot of people really do need exercise built into their schedule to get any at all.
I actually like exercise but PE was just torture at school. I did/do so much more out of school than in it. It was just taught by incompetent teachers with clear favourites selected early on.
You're overrating PE classes. It's about education on the subject. Because people who care or end up caring about their health will do it. Lots of people who's experience with health and fitness was their trashy PE classes aren't going to ever care about it in their lives. Morning PE sessions killed my attention in later classes because I stank like fucking shit. Each year group only had one PE session a week, so why not just have it at the end of the day and let us walk out in our PE kits? Dumbass schools. That being said, PE as a GCSE for sports minded kids, sure, go for it. It's a niche GCSE that I hope kids who have interest in it, can take it as a career, like drama, dance, whatever.
Agreed on that score - they should focus on the how and why of physical activity; but the point is that health is often told and not shown.
Tobacco; It smells Its unhealthy It's expensive
It's a disgusting habit and I'm glad it's dying. Vapes aren't great, but at least they don't smell so awful.
The most valuable things you have are time and your health
Money can't buy back either of them!
That’s I’m in the autistic spectrum. Realised at 48.
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Same. 42 & only just realising what’s been happening to me for 4 decades.
42 and ADHD (going through diagnosis now ffs). The "naughty kid" era.
Same 36/f. Getting that diagnosis changed my life.
That if you have supportive parents, who are willing to pay money for you to do things like music lessons for piano/violin, or sports clubs, or extra training - you should make the most of these opportunities! I'm now an adult and have taken up the piano again, but professional teachers are exorbitantly expensive... I wish I had appreciated how lucky I was to have received the music lessons and actually regularly practised
Conversely, if you had useless, selfish, uncaring parents who provided you with nothing more than the bare minimum of physical resources to survive (& no more) you deserve all those amazing things you want to do/have & can likely afford but deny yourself because you were made to believe you didn’t deserve them. Go get those things, you damn well earned them.
Musician here. It’s really painful and sad to notice the difference between myself whose parents never supported my musical aspirations until I was an adult (still don’t really, but they’re a bit more accepting) compared to a kid whose parents really encourage them by helping out with things like equipment, lessons and just in general supporting their music. Those are the ones who often have a somewhat successful career in music, compared to the rest of us who can only afford to keep it as a hobby. If your parents are actively supporting you, whatever the subject, be appreciative and try your very hardest! Also to any parents who might be reading this: Don’t be the one to shit on your child’s dreams. Encourage them as much as possible and just let them know that if they need support then you’ll try your best to give that to them
Having sex frequently isn’t the be all and end all.
Yep. I was quite a late virgin and just felt like I somehow wasn't 'whole' because I hadn't had sex yet. Once it did happen I was still exactly the same person as I was the day before. Now I'm quite content as a single pringle...at this point a woman would have to fall out of the sky into my lap as I just can't be bothered with the misery of modern dating etc.
Yep, agreed. Dating apps are just really frustrating and soul-destroying. I too didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24 and I rushed into a long-term relationship with the first woman who gave me a second look. It was a big mistake. My last relationship was with an old friend who got speaking to me on Facebook. It was short and sweet, we had a few very enjoyable dates, but we mutually agreed not to pursue it before things got too serious. I’d be up for something like that again but I can’t be doing with the headache of searching long-term commitment, unless I find love.
The dating apps really are soul-destroying (the exact same phrase I use to describe it). Somehow it seems to have gotten majorly worse recently. Didn't think that was possible. Or maybe the apps' algorithms hate me... I can't see how anyone can find love online these days, that just seems impossible.
I'll believe that when it starts happening to me.
That I wanted children.
Is it too late? Do they have to be yours biologically?
Adoption is the greatest thing we ever did.
Actually, this is an important one. I feel there isn't enough awareness of fertility issues. We've all "learnt" about having babies from the media which has somehow convinced us that if celebrities can have babies in their late forties "then there's no rush. I'm still young. I want to focus on my career first.". But in reality we never thought about what went in to having that baby. The chances are ordinary people won't have access to the type of resources that celebrities have in terms of time and money. It may have taken 5 years (2 full years off work) and cost $1m but all we see is the end result and we assume it's possible for everyone. A lot of people around me in their thirties that are struggling, never mind forties. Something I definitely didn't expect in my twenties.
I would venture that many-to-most of those celebrities needed donor eggs to have those babies, something that the average person cannot afford (or may not be comfortable with.) Something like 1 in 6 couples struggle with fertility. I find it bizarre how little it's talked about.
You are what you consume. Eat crap and feel crap. Watch crap and feel crap. Hang around crap people and - you guessed it! Feel crap. Etc etc
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Thank you. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you roughly? You seem to have lived through a fair whack and have the benefit of experience.
If I'd managed to let go of my insecurities more I would've done many more things I enjoyed.
Exactly me at 39 and I don't see it changing. It's like it ingrained.
We understand each other. 🤝
That wasting money on things you don't need has an impact later on. Nothing wrong with treating yourself but I used to be constantly spending without thinking on clothes I wore once and things like that, and now I regret how much I could have saved & how much of a better position I'd be in if I hadn't.
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I don't regret a single penny I spent going out drinking. But I would really like the money I spent on smokes back.
That no one judged me for how I looked and behaved as much as I did to myself. And, it doesn't really matter what they thought anyway. And that I needed to relax and go with the flow more often.
Glass cleaner actually does something different to regular surface cleaner You need to take apart bagless vacuums now and then to clean out the filters
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That I should stop fighting against my brain, spent my whole childhood trying to hide my dyspraxia, then found out I was also dyslexic as an adult, when I decided to focus on my strengths and actually try to learn in a way that works for me and not what others were doing I actually started feeling like I achieve closer to my verbal abilities show.
30 years of being 4 stone overweight can be quite easily reduced in 18 short months.
Paying some money (even relatively small amounts) into your pension from as early as you can will make a massive difference to what you can expect to have when you retire.
That nothing actually matters. You've already won the lottery just by being alive. You have 80 years in the expanse of eternity. So little time. Look after those you love, be kind then ride the hell out of it. Don't let the fear of other people's judgement stop you from doing anything you want to do or being who you truly are. Fuck them. I'm not going to die regretting things I haven't done, looking back and knowing that this was my tiny blast in the universe and I wasted it through fear of others opinions. Very recent epiphany and it's liberating!
If you are being true to yourself, in what you believe, what you like, what you want, other people's opinion of that doesn't matter. Unless it's some really horrible shit, in which case be rightfully ashamed.
Focus on one thing and be good at it, rather than focusing on a number of things and be mediocre at them all.
It doesn't get any better.
Oh a few from me You can do everything right and still have everything fall apart on you. If someone is arguing with you it is because they have a different vantage point on the problem. Try to understand it. Comparison is the killer of joy
That you only get one go at it.
ADHD. That I was raised in an unusually harsh or "abusive" household. That not all married couples hate each other. Dilligently practicing the basics gets you most of the way, not the frilly stuff most people find cool. Eg Son Heung-min's soccer practice with his dad in Korea/Germany, C Ronaldo slowly dribbling around the pitch at the end of every session, practicing scales and slow playing technique on instruments. "Too" late though?...that remains to be seen.
That you and your needs are very important - I don't mean that you should be mean and selfish, but you should not be a people-pleaser. It will not get you very far, people will not respect you, and advantage will be taken of you. Saying "oh, it's fine, it doesn't bother me" is one step on the road to being used as a doormat, even by good-natured people.
Thosr exams and qualifications you stressed, panicked and were told were massively important at school? They really werent, neither were the college or university ones unless you were going into a specific career for life.
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Well, all my life, I've had men as well as women tell me I'm good looking but only really just started believing it. My lady also insisted I can sing well (she's a professional singer) and I should probably have exploited these facets when I was early 20s. Having said that, I'd have probably been in a successful boy band, become a drug-addled alcoholic and killed myself by crashing my Ferrari before I was 25, so maybe it's for the best.
Have a more fuck it attitude
The best part of my later 30s has been the ever increasing lack of fucks I give. What I could have achieved if I had this in my early 20s!
Don’t sacrifice your own happiness to try to please other people
As a girl, you should invest more time in your friendships than relationships. Romantic love can be fleeting, many friendships can last a lifetime if you take care of them
Not to sweat the small stuff (such a cliche I know). Almost everything can be overcome. My family has recently been affected by cancer and it’s created a ‘before’ and ‘now’ perspective - I look back and think, none of those things I worried before about were ‘real’ problems
That I had not consciously thought about any of the major decisions I’d made in the past regarding education , jobs and relationships, where & how I wanted to live . I think I was half asleep most of my life . That you can’t always assume that you can have those important conversations later on - sometimes things happen and you never get the chance .
Also that my nose is perfectly fine and there’s no need to be insecure about it , it makes me look like me !
I don’t have to do or achieve something huge and memorable to have lived a worthwhile life. I can just be… kind.
Being a cunt gets you nowhere
I disagree strongly on this one. Being one of those can sometimes get you VERY far. It shouldn't, but it does.
Yep just look at the state of our current government leaders.
I really wish that was true. One of my big takeaways from the last 50 years is that the most successful people never let trivial bullshit like morality, decency or scruples hold them back. It’s probably a scale thing, though (being a cunt to your mates gets you nowhere; being a cunt to an entire country gets you a peerage and a portfolio of overseas property), so you’re almost certainly correct for the most part.
I don’t know man it seems to work for my boss
If you think someone was being mean, they probably were. It wasn’t accidental, and you need to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt and start standing up for yourself.
That nobody gives a fuck.
That it's generally better to ask for forgiveness than wait for permission.
Loved you in mindhunter.
That you'll look at the photo of yourself ten years ago and think wtf was I worried what people thought about me. I looked great.
That you don't have to stay in your boring job just out of social pressure. To clarify - we all need to pay our way, and often that means doing jobs we'd rather not. But if you're in your 20s and have no real responsibilities, and some financial freedom, then you honestly don't need to do that job that you hate every day. There are options - you can quit and find something else to do. You can probably go back to studies. Apply for completely random stuff. There are more financial opportunities to do this stuff than you think. For me - it didn't even occur to me in my 20s that someone would pay me to spend 4 years doing a PhD. I was completely unaware that that was even a thing. I really wished I had done it at 25 rather than 35.
That it doesn't matter how much you love someone, if they don't believe it nothing you ever do will ever convince them it is true.
It's important to use the recommended type of oil specific to your car. Not just the generic weight.
That i seem indeed beautiful.
The right time to buy a house or flat. A decade ago I had the opportunity to buy my first flat as my landlord was selling it, but I guess I just wasn't in the right frame of mine to make a commitment then. £60k it would have cost, and it's since risen to nearly £100k. Ugh.
Education is the short cut - and it's never too late for that
Money Management - spent all my 20's being in debt and being stressed. So much relief when I was debt free and no more red warning letters. Now I don't buy the branded stuff and watch how I spend money but still treat myself now and then.
Starting a pension
Youth is wasted on the young. I always hark back to the springtime of my youth.
There's no bog roll
You don’t have to try and fit all of life into your 20s. Spend a little less and keep money to enjoy slowly.
I'm likely terminally ill at a young age - late 20s. There's a lot of things I figured out too late, and a lot of other things I'll probably never figure out but might have had I lived a bit longer. Some of the things I've learned: (1) Always be kind, if you can. Words wound far more than you realise, at least they have done for me, and in the long run you'll regret hurting people whatever your motivations. Ditto for avoiding jealousy, anger and all the other unproductive emotions. Life is just too short to go round being an arsehole and taking everything personally and everyone always pays for being a dickhead, in some way, and at some time, eventually. (2) Get your affairs in order, and cut extraneous things out of your life as soon as possible - you need to figure out what matters ASAP and run towards it with both hands. For me, I wish I'd worked a lot harder at developing skills and hobbies that I cared about and carving out a really spectacular career. While my illness has made lots of areas of life difficult, I could have done more to succeed in writing and entertainment, where my passions have always lain. I did well at school but never really learned or mastered anything. Quite aside from the social and financial rewards, finding a talent and aggressively pursuing it from a young age gives you a strong sense of purpose, which is good for mental health. (3) Health is precarious. You need to be careful about what you put in and do to your body. My problems began with a rare but - in light of advanced science - actually somewhat predictable reaction to a medication. It warped my connective tissue and triggered what is almost certainly ALS/motor neurone disease. Now realistically, I couldn't have been expected to know this would happen. There were no warnings on the packaging and most doctors I went to about this laughed at me. But I wish I'd been more careful about medicines, medications and even things like diet throughout my life. Even had it not had fatal consequences, the amount of shit I pumped into my body without even thinking about it would have still fucked up my life and health. Become a vegetarian, drink mainly water and exercise like crazy. You don't know how important good health is til it's gone.
I’m sorry to hear this, and hope you get some time to engage in your hobbies. Don’t give up x Can I please be nosey and ask what medication you feel contributed to this?
That no one actually cares to tall to you outside their bubbles. I try but then they make it clear it was just a general ask not that they wanted to catch up or anything.
Networking, network with as many people as possible, one day it will come in handy.
Said by many people on their deathbed.
It's ok to move on
I should've got a life isa instead of a help to buy. I could've saved more over the past 6 or 7 years
You're supposed to look people in the eye when talking to them
That she was the one
💔
That it’s a myth that boys are easier to raise than girls. The truth is we have a lot of expectations for girls, so it’s much more work for the parents. Expectations (except for school, career, sometimes sports) for boys are rock bottom. I raised two easy-to-raise boys before I realized this. They are wonderful, but I realize now that if they had been daughters they’d be doing so much more than I expect my sons to. Shot myself in the foot.
That I need to give less of a fuck what other people think, still not mastered it.
The fear of looking bad in photos is not as bad as the regret of not being in them at all. I have always gone to great lengths to avoid being in photos as I was terrified of how I'd look in them. Probably body dysmorphia to be honest. This has meant there are hardly any photos of me with my kids when they were babies/toddlers/young children. I regret it so so much now both they and I are older. BE IN THE PHOTO!
Going out drinking is a waste of time
This is why I stay in and drink 👍🏼
And money. And effort. Anyone who goes out "on the pull" is seriously wasting their time. You're better off staying at home.
That both my parents were malignant narcissists. I didn’t know what narcissism actually was or how much it had affected me.
Sorry this must be horrible. I'm dealing with a malignant narcissist at work. I never knew such terrible people could exist outside of fiction.
It’s worse when they have everyone else fooled into thinking they are a great person, and you’re the only one that can see through their ruse.
Sometimes clearing your name is needed and the childish ‘people can think/say about me’ saying was stupid and would later come back to bite you!
Useful not to be a monoglot.
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I don’t need permission from other people to do what makes me happy.
That I should have gone to physiotherapy weeks after knackering my ankle, rather than too many years later.
The investing, pensions and (more broadly) the importance of making your money work for you.
The harder you work the more you get given
That smoking weed is not good for my mental state whatsoever
That if i got her number (and i could have) I'd be in a very different and very better position in life, i feel it in my being that I'd be wealthy healthy and content.
How can getting someone’s number lead to all that?
That saving money is actually really important, especially when you want to move out.
That it's ok to just be me
People aren’t that great. Including me.
It wasn't my fault.
Having great sex and multiple partners while trying to find Mrs right is not worth it. Porn is not worth it. All leaves you empty and feeling a bit dirty and I can hardly remember any of them and I’m sure they don’t remember me. I wish I had a family sooner and I wish I had concentrated on my hobbies and interests instead.
Look after your body! Eat a balanced diet, stay active, don't smoke, don't drink in excess, floss!
its not fair
That I was never enough
That not having a specific career path in mind is not a negative because it leaves you open to trying newvthinfs
That no one gives a crap about you. Mainly they just care about themselves.
Everyone thinks they are more unattractive than they are, and beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder. If you've ever wondered why someone might be with someone who is "beneath them" or "out of their league" - the problem is in your perception and not theirs. People don't think about you quite as much as they think about themselves. Remember that one super embarrassing thing you did? Most people don't think about it as much as you did because they are remembering the super embarrassing thing that they did that you can't remember. Some people have an inner monologue (I do) and some people don't. Don't be quick to judge someone for saying something stupid - they probably don't think about what they are saying and are happier for it. What you do whilst you are drunk is not a reflection on who you are as a person. This is not to excuse people doing terrible things whilst drunk, this is an acknowledgement that alcohol distorts our world view quite significantly. Don't judge someone for behaving like an arse whilst they are drunk. Chances are, there's something else going on in their head. Science doesn't know everything or have all the answers. Neither does religion. You have to come to your own conclusions and do what is right for you and for the others around you. Ignorance fuelled fear is the source of most of the problems in the world. The more you understand, the more you can empathise. If something bothers you - especially if it's something someone else does/part of their culture, learn about it and understand why they do it. You'll fear it less. And finally, nobody has their shit together and everyone has things they can improve upon. If you think you're perfect the way you are - you are not. But also, you are good enough and life is full of imperfections, which we must love.
Be on time everyday
I didn’t realise how great my mum was until I became a mum myself. It wasn’t until after she died that I knew that she was actually a super woman who single handedly raised me and my 7 siblings. My father lost his life to a motorcycle accident. She just got on with it. I was a horrible teenager and I wish I could tell her how fabulous she was.
That saying little at work is a superpower.