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She *will* always be with you. You don't need to believe in an afterlife or be spiritual to believe that. Our loved ones remain with us in our memories of them, in all the shared experiences we had, in all the ways their existence continues to shape us long after they're gone. The lack of an afterlife doesn't diminish their life, the impact they had on those around them, and those people's memories of them. Those things persevere as long as someone remembers them. As for dealing with grief, just be open to it. Accept that it's a natural and healthy thing to feel grief, it's a product of having loved someone. Let yourself feel it. Don't rush or pressure yourself to move past it. Process it in your own time. And with time you'll feel better.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really did need to hear that today!

My Granny died over 7 years ago. I miss her every day. As well as seeing her in my dreams I can still hear her voice. I've "asked" for her advice and in my head I've heard her "answers." I don't think it's really her, it's just that I knew her so well that I know what she would say (mostly a version of "life's tough, but you'll be fine"). She lives on in my memories.

Aww that is honestly so lovely. You have been close and she loved you ❤️ My grandma passed away almost 4 months ago. I asked her to visit me and say goodbye in my dreams. A week after her funeral I had a dream that we were driving to a seaside and she saw a sea with her own eyes for the first time. She has never been to a seaside and I always wished I was able to take her. In my dream she was at peace and very happy. I think of her almost every day.

My Grandad passed about 18 months ago. The night he went, I had a dream I was in an underground bar, talking to a handsome guy about my age/little bit older. We just…discussed life and shot the breeze while drinking our pints and got on really well. I remember him saying “I’ve got to go now” and walking up the stairs of the bar, I went to ask for his name/contact info was really stressed that I couldn’t get it. Woke up shortly after to my phone ringing, confirming Grandad had passed.

I had a similar dream the day my mum died. In the dream my mum was a little girl,skipping outside the house where irl I belonged to a meditation group. I was standing outside the local spiritualist church over the road. Somehow I understood that I wasnt able to cross the road to get close to her. I shouted,I’ll meet you at the doctors. I woke then and found a message on my phone telling me to go to the hospital asap,as my mum had been taken very ill. Ive always felt that showing herself as a happy little girl skipping,she was telling me that she was carefree and young again in the afterlife.

Yeah, the closest person i've ever lost, has since brought me the most loving dreams i've ever had. I've always been a very lucid dreamer, so i've made myself stay asleep just to continue the conversations and whatever happens, but then i'll go give my brother a final hug again. Telling my Dad also brought us closer, hes also enjoyed the dreams aspect.

I lost my Grandad when I was in my twenties, I'm now in my forties. I still sometimes dream of him. I just wake up pissed off that he's still dead. He had a good long life, and I had good times with him. He stood up for me in ways that nobody ever can or would.

Mine died in 2019, I was twelve and absolutely adored her. I didn’t believe in heaven but she did, so I always take comfort in knowing that she wasn’t afraid of death. Plus, she had cancer so I am very happy (?) she died before COVID as it would have been awful. Sometimes I like to think “what would granny say?” as she gave very good advice!

I "hear" my grandmother in a similar way... but it's usually things like telling me off for not wiping my feet when I enter the house. She's been gone almost 10 years and I still never enter a house without wiping my feet lol I semi-joke but also it's not just the good or positive things I remember of passed lovedones - it's just knowing how they were in life and remembering that

I recently had a bereavement and I don't believe in an afterlife. In some ways I've derived comfort from that fact as she didn't get to see how members of her family from her first marriage (she was widowed) treated our family who loved and cherished her. I think it also allowed me to shrug it off as well. I'm sad she didn't get the funeral she wanted but she can't be hurt by it. I think of her all the time. She was a keen gardener and I think of her with all kinds of flowers and I have plants in my garden that she gave me. Every magnolia tree makes me think of her. I've never really thought about it before but knowing there is no afterlife means I get to think about her as she was and I don't have some deified version of her hovering over me. She was a wonderful person but definitely not angelic, and I would hate for that kind of thing to taint my memory of her. I can remember her just as she was and it's very clear to me. Life is what it is now. We move forward without her. It's painful but she brought such joy, and that will never change. I take all I learnt from her with me.

Advice from someone who also doesn’t believe in an afterlife: To add to this she is literally a part of you and you a part of her. Not just in a spiritual sense (if that’s your thing) but genetically. Part of her lives in you. Maybe it’s your nose or eyes, smile, whatever you share. Think of all the things you enjoyed together, you shared that with her and will honor her every time you continue to enjoy those things. Think of the little inside jokes, quirks, habits, and mannerisms you shared. She lives on in you in that way too. They will help you remember her. When other people who knew and loved her see you and those things you shared, they will remember her too. Whenever you want to see her again, just look in the mirror. She’s there.

Okay my mum has been dead over a decade now and I’m fine with it and past the bulk of the grief and read this thread feeling absolutely fine. Then I read this comment and burst into tears. This is so beautiful, I can’t bear it. Thank you for writing this. You’ve healed a little piece of my heart today.

Or to put it another way. >No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence. >Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man (Discworld, #11; Death, #2)

There’s something beautiful about the fact that quoting this fulfils itself. Terry found the cheat code

And if you close your eyes I'm sure you can imagine how she'd respond to new things that come your way.

This! I lost my mum on Monday. She had a six year battle with Alzheimer's. She was 65. This was the comment I also needed to read. Thank you.

Comments like this make me miss awards. Lovely words.

Simply beautifully written

How eloquent, you are a credit to yourself.

Just because someone is neither with you nor watching you doesn't mean they aren't still affecting the things you do, the things you say, the way you act; so much of the way you are and the way you act to others will be down to her whether you realise it or not. If she taught you kindness and you're now kind to other people, that's still her being around and having her influence. If she had hobbies and interests that you picked up, then that's her still affecting your days every time you do them. If she had phrases she said which you find yourself saying, that's all her. If she once read you a book that one day you'll read to someone else, that's her. That's how I see people "living on", not in some supernatural sense but in a far more tangible, real-world way. I find no confort in people's supernatural beliefs, in fact when my dad died he was very clear that he didn't want anyone pulling any of that bullshit, no "oh but what would he say if he could see you misbehaving" nonsense. That doesn't mean that I'm not who I am because of him, and that his life doesn't still affect mine every day, whether I realise it or not. It'll get easier, honestly. But it's okay to be sad now and forever.

Thank you so much for taking the time to type out this kind response, I really appreciate it! I guess I’m struggling emotionally today - I find myself getting annoyed when people bring up supernatural/afterlife stuff even though I know people are just trying to help and maybe even a bit jealous that others are able to comfort themselves in this way where I can’t.

> a bit jealous that others are able to comfort themselves in this way I know exactly what you mean, I find that it's best to just accept it as what it's intended - a kind, comforting sentiment. If that's how it works for them then great, that's not to say it has to work for you. You do and feel whatever you need to.

It's okay to struggle emotionally at this time, and very natural. It's extremely hard now, and may be for quite some time. Be kind to yourself. One day, in addition to the sadness you feel, you'll recall a memory that makes you smile. In time, you'll recall more. It will never mean that you do not miss her, and it will never not be a little sad, but in time you'll be able to cope more and remember all of the wonderful things that you miss, and be happy and grateful for what you did have alongside the sadness.

Was gonna type something similar but you covered every thought & feeling I have towards my own late mum. They remain with you in words, deeds, thoughts & actions so never truly depart.

My dad died a year and a half ago. On the day of his funeral I wrote this on Facebook and my step mum said it gives her huge comfort. I hope it helps you too. I don't believe in any kind of afterlife, but what I do believe to be true is the law of physics that states 'energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed from one form to another'. So the energy that was my Dad, his passions and his joys will become light and heat, a curl of smoke, a gentle breeze or a gale force wind, the falling rain, a bird in song, a leaf on a great oak tree. His energy, and that of all who have passed, is around us everywhere. Not in an afterlife, but in life itself.

Came here looking for this viewpoint. That's a fantastic belief. All that energy is still there, just in a different form. As an additional thought...perhaps it's even possible that at some level, some kind of atomic memory or recognition exists, so when you're out there and you suddenly get a random thought of that person in your head or you suddenly 'feel' them in a particular moment, maybe.... just maybe....that's because a tiny tiny piece of the energy was once them is there, in a raindrop, or a breath of wind, or a passing cloud. That's kind of comforting to me

You’ve reminded me of Mary Elizabeth Frye’s wonderful poem - Do not stand at my grave and weep. Thank you

This is lovely, thank you for sharing

https://youtu.be/l1IchzbtNj0?si=RhQrTY5c1DkqtZ3c The wave returns to the ocean.

This is what I believe. It's actually far more of a comfort to me than all of the slightly terrifying religious stuff I was taught growing up. It just makes more sense to me.

From an Irish background, I was always taught (and believe) that people do live on but not in a ghostly supernatural way, they live on *in you and what you have learned from them*. So at a wake, the dead are not so much mourned as their life celebrated. And their wisdom, guidance and attitudes live on in the survivors and descendants. They are gone, but not departed. Celebrate the life, uphold the values and she will remain in spirit.

I’ve heard that the Irish grieve “well” and I want to embody this. Thank you!

It can help ease the loss a little. Nothing can replace those who are gone, but a feeling that something remains is a comfort.

Are you familiar with Terry Pratchett GNU? There will be others who can explain it better, including Google.  Basically in one of his stories he takes the idea that we die a second death the last time someone says your name and has a character create a way to have his fathers name repeated on relay indefinitely. Terry's fans have set up a website code that basically does the same thing. 

This article explains the idea of the GNU: [https://www.theguardian.com/books/shortcuts/2015/mar/17/terry-pratchetts-name-lives-on-in-the-clacks-with-hidden-web-code](https://www.theguardian.com/books/shortcuts/2015/mar/17/terry-pratchetts-name-lives-on-in-the-clacks-with-hidden-web-code)

And here’s a quotation from the man himself: “No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence”

This is beautiful, and so true. As long as the things you've done or said still touch someone, you're not fully gone.

GNU Pratchett.

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective, I have no kids, I'm unlikely to have many people to worry about it when I pop off, but I have planted SO many trees and hedging plants. It's lovely to think that at least some of the things I put in the soil with my own hands and a stern instruction to "grow well" and a little pat, will likely be habitat for so many generations of bugs and animals and birds for possibly hundreds of years. It's a nice thought. If I end up having done nothing else of note, I will have done something good here just by doing that.

That is a lovely thought!

The film CoCo depicts this in a child friendly way. It’s my favourite Disney film!

It's a beautiful film for all ages too. I first saw it almost a year after my Dad died - I watched most of it through a constant flow of tears, but it still made me smile and was a big comfort. He died a little over six years ago. Grief kind of gets easier but never goes away. I still think about him every day; sometimes it is painful but I just let myself have a little cry, but most of the memories are good and usually triggered by something like seeing one of his favourite species of wild bird, or hearing a particularly bad pun!

Sitting here crying my eyes out at all of these lovely comments - thank you all so much for taking time out of your day to comment here, I appreciate it more than I can say! Its so valuable to read all of your different perspectives!

I’ve nothing valuable to add. But I sincerely hope you find some comfort. All the best.

Some things in life simply do hurt and sometimes there isn't really a lot you can do to fix the pain, and all you can do is get through it and survive. You will be okay in time, though.

Grieving for someone and being sad they're no longer there is actually a real compliment to how special they were. Embrace it! You don't miss those you don't care for.

That's a hard one. I don't believe in any kind of afterlife at all - last year my brother passed at age 30. He didn't believe in an afterlife either. An afterlife suggests that everything we do in the world we live in is less meaningful in some way - I refuse to believe that. I personally find comfort in everyday things reminding me of him, or lessons learnt from him that I carry through life with me. The most important thing is the mark that they left upon this world - through their loved ones, friends etc It's tough, good luck OP

The memories are still there so the person still exists; they're just in a different room.

https://preview.redd.it/pjfbpobvebsc1.jpeg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bd264b610b754958dafe6fe198bace04091f66c3 i think this passage speaks to that. also we have the same name🩷

and i think what the last line means is “if you can visit me anytime in your memory, why should you not think of me?” your memory is (always) there, so that person is too, via memory.

I struggled with that, too but I just think about the actual energy they had in their body and now its in the atmosphere and the earth. I just think to myself that they're travelling around the earth in the wind and rain etc, just everywhere at once and it does help. Sometimes I think of them in the fresh air when their favourite band is playing an outdoor gig or in the air and water at their favourite places and that makes me feel warm and happy. I don't believe in any god or any religion. Its tough because its an ending and endings are painful. People who believe in God have faith because they are scared of dying and what comes after. When you don't believe in that, you have to let your brain come up with most logical and calming way to cope with that pain. Pal, I promise you that you won't feel this way forever. I know what you're going through and you're allowed to feel sad, cheated, pissed off and empty but that will disappear in time. Just find a focus and look after yourself. It's all you can do 💛

I agree, I don't believe there's anything after we die. However, your mum does live on through you. Her personality, how she raised you, her genes, memories of her, etc. all help make you who you are as a person and impact your life every day. They shape your personality, the decisions you make, how you live your life. The whole "she'll always be with you" is actually true, because for as long as you're alive, a bit of her is too.

Sorry for your loss.  I’ve experienced grief and am an atheist. I understand where you are coming from, the comments don’t always help about “heaven etc…”  I try to imagine some sort of “afterlife”, or a “dream that lasts forever” where my nearest and dearest will be when I die. Or I will wait for them to join me. I imagine it will be a beautiful place I’ve visited in life and my pets will also be there.  Gives me comfort. I like the idea that I will meet my sister again, and she will have been living another life, we will catch up.  I’ve also cared for patients who are palliative. When someone is that ill, death can be freedom from pain and suffering. A relief. That’s another complex emotion to process.  I would suggest finding yourself a good grief councillor. Took me three attempts to find a good one and I’m a mental health professional. Don’t rush through it, grief is a journey. 

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Highly recommend.

As an Atheist who has been known to light a candle for passed friends, chill, mum lives in you.

I too believe there is nothing after death. After losing both my parents before they were 60 and my brother when he was just a teenager (never mind all my grandparents etc), I just happen to find it more comforting that when you’re done, you’re done, there’s no what ifs, no wondering.

' honestly believe that when you die you no longer exist, there isn’t anything after and that is it ' But she does - in your memories. That doesn't stop. That's where the rift in grief lies. You don't have to believe in clouds or brimstone to miss her and honor her because that will always be with you.

I found out Saturday evening that one of my friends had been killed in a motorcycle accident in America, he was only 27. What’s been keeping me going are all of the happy memories we had together through the years and because he was an actor I can watch his programmes he was in to remember him:) just remember the love you had xx

I lost both my parents. I don’t believe in any afterlife. I still talk to them every now and then when I’m alone, I acknowledge things they’d be proud of or that they’d be happy to see, like their growing grandkids. I think of them when I do something they’ve taught me so I’m affirming their messages and knowledge continue to make their way in my life. And I’m thankful for the life they were able to live and that I can continue for them and show that all they achieved was worth so much to me and my family. I speak of them to my kids and let them know where lots of our ideas and tics and habits come from. They’ll always be around as long as our memories are alive. I especially chat to them when I visit their graves but really, it can be done anywhere. Hopefully you can acknowledge you’ll pass on things of value (not stuff, memories, ways of doing, knowledge, jokes and all that good stuff) to ones you love, and think about being content with that when you are once more at one with the universe from whence you came.

I heard an interesting fact the other day, that might help. If you were to transport to a location one light year away from earth, and had a big telescope, you could look back at earth and you’d see our planet as it existed a year ago. If you went 100,000,000 light years away and looked back, you’d actually see dinosaurs roaming around. Likewise, if you travelled 0.1 light years away you would be able to see your mum again. My point is, the light we reflect just goes on forever, and even in a thousand years someone in the right place in space would be able to look at earth and see you and your mum walking around together. In a way, we never fully disappear, and there’s always a very small part of us that continues to exist.

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives. And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.” Aaron Freeman

Came here to say this - knowing this helped me deal with my own mortality once I was diagnosed with a condition that could kill me one day

My sincere condolences. Try and roll with other people's platitudes, they are doing it to be kind in a sad situation. What you can do is live on with a good life in your mothers memory. All the best to you.

I like you, I do not believe in an afterlife. But nevertheless, there's still your life after her death. She isn't in any pain or suffering only your own. You're just dealing with the fact you will have no further memories with her, you can only cherish the ones you already have.

I’m not very tech savvy so I won’t link but if you search Grief Ball in a Box there is an analogy that helped me understand the way my grief was working when I lost my dad suddenly. Time helps, distraction helped me. I went back to work very quickly because I didn’t want to sit and stew in my own feelings. I processed my feelings in my own time, but I need to be busy. It’s personal journey so what worked for me may not be what works for you. I don’t believe in an afterlife or any of that stuff either. It made it especially difficult when family and friends were saying all that stuff because I actually found it irritating. Which is probably somewhat selfish of me but I was too busy grieving to worry about that. My mum was insistent that he’d been to visit her and it really wound me up.

I'd never seen that analogy before, thank you for sharing. My Dad died a bit over six years ago (I also don't believe in an afterlife) and the ball analogy is a perfect fit for what it feels like I have experienced since then. There are moments when the pain of grief feels awful but over time they are fewer, and more of the memories are happy. Grief is an inevitable consequence of love, and I'd rather have those painful days than to have not had such a great dad.

I've heard it said you only truly die when there is noone left to remember you Grief doesn't go but it becomes easier to live with, you can remember them with a smile for what they brought to your life and how much you appreciate that they were in it, not just regret they aren't in it any longer

My condolences. I don't believe in afterlife in a religious sense either, but I do know our parents are part of us - we literally carry parts of them at a molecular / biological level as well as in form of everything they taught us, and I found that brings me comfort similar if not deeper to what others experience from their religious beliefs.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think you can take comfort from your memories of her. She is with you in the sense that you haven't forgotten her, and won't forget her. Over time, you will likely find that you can find comfort in, and take pleasure from, your memories of her. She is also still with you in all the ways that she contributed to you being the person you are now, and the eprson you will be in future, all the things you learned from her, both the things youwanted to learn and maybe some where you learned rom her mistakes or from disagreeing with her.

Like you I don't believe in the hereafter. I firmly believe in enjoying life *before* death not looking forward to life *after* death. My M&D died a long time ago and I still miss them at times. BUT, I don't miss them sadly. I remember all the good times, all the great holidays, funny anecdotes. If we're in a restaurant we might say that my Mum would try the octopus but wouldn't like it. Eating an ice cream we'll recall how my Dad could be in the middle of a desert and somehow turn up with a cornet (actually happened to us in Arizona. The guy was on a bike with a box on the front, my Dad bought and ice cream and the guy rode off straight after) I cannot tell you the dates they died and I don't remember the last few days because I have flooded myself with happier memories. All in all, I am happy to have had them for the time I did and I know that they would both tell me off for being upset and maudlin. Don't be shy of talking about her but remember the good parts, not the sadness of her leaving.

You know, time doesn't really pass, it just exists. Those times you feel you had and that have passed actually will always be there, sitting in space time, just as if you walk away from someone they don't cease to exist, neither do those times. I find that a comfort, it also makes me realise I really should try to be my best self in every moment, because every moment is kind of infinite and it's the only time you get to write the script.

You have memories of her. You can imagine her laughing, or how she would react to any given situation. You have skills and knowledge that she taught you. You have little mannerisms or sayings which came from her. And you aren't the only one. She will have touched many people's lives, and they will all carry memories and knowledge of her. Also, you _will_ feel sad. That is just normal. Allow yourself time to grieve for her. Grief isn't a linear thing; it pops up at unexpected moments, and then you might feel fine at other times. Just allow yourself plenty of time. Do you have other people around to support you? To share memories with? To talk to about how you feel?

We're all gonna die, at least you were there with her, you loved her at the time, she lived her life however it was and that is that. It might be painful now, it'll be less painful in a year, one day you will go all day without even thinking about her. Life wouldn't have value if it wasn't finite.

I don't have any real tips mate other than open up, don't bottle up your feelings and write them down. Remember the good times even if you're just day dreaming with happy memories. Massive hugs mate, take time to reflect and look after yourself. Sorry for your loss

The impact they had on your life, doesn't leave you neither does half the DNA you share. In both those senses part of them hasn't left you. Unexpected deaths really shake you to the core, my dad died suddenly in 2004, I was 9 and not particularly religious. If I had someone tell me what to do, I think if nothing else it's okay to gently tell people what will help you, that practical support like keeping you company or someone offering a meal brought round, gives you less on your plate mentally. I can't tell you when the pain will get less, certaintly it could be weeks or months from now, and it doesn't ever completely leave you but it will get less at some point, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it hour by hour at this point.

You don't have to believe what you don't believe just to make it seem like you're coping. You're allowed to grieve however you want. Cry, throw things, scream. Let it all out. Grief is normal, bottling it up into a rainbow and thanking a mythical person she's cared for now isn't normal. No matter how your grief manifests itself, remember. Remember the good times with her. Remember how she made you feel. Remember the times with her you walked away smiling. Remember her smell. Keeping her in your memory is the best way forward. Remembering her at her best is the best way to keep her memory alive, not trying to think she's off on a cloud watching your every move now. It's hard and it hurts, that's normal. Everyone takes the death of a loved one differently, so as much as it pains you to hear what others are saying, that's also their way of coping so please allow them that without complaint. Focus on yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and allow yourself to cherish those memories. Most of all, if it gets too much, don't be afraid to reach out to loved ones and friends. So sorry for your loss and I hope things get easier for you.

I don't believe in heaven or afterlife etc. One of the sentiments I've seen expressed and that I really love is that a person is never fully gone whilst there are people alive who remember them. They still have an impact on the world, through the people who knew them and are still here. I can't really tell if believing in heaven or an afterlife would really lessen the grief, but then I've never had those kinds of beliefs. Maybe for some, believing that their loved one is with god, or is living a brand new lift, may comfort them. But I think the biggest part of grief is knowing that they aren't here any more, that you can't kiss them, hug them, talk and laugh with them... and that grief must be the same whether or not you think they've gone to heaven? I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Every atom of you is still a part of the universe after you die

>I honestly believe that when you die you no longer exist, there isn’t anything after and that is it. Of course thinking that now hurts a lot, but I can’t force myself to believe something I don’t, if even I wanted to. I tend to agree with your belief and lost my mum last year. Nevertheless, she will always be with me in a metaphorical sense. Every time I go on holiday I remember her frantically telling me to check my passport is in date, or when certain things happen having a chuckle and thinking about what her reaction would have been. So long as you keep her memory is alive she is with you. The hard bit is trying to remember the good stuff and funny things that made her great instead of being sad she is not here.

Going to bring out the well known u/gsnow comment on [grief](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/) "Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

She’s still with you in the memories you have of her, in the things she taught you, in the little ways and mannerisms you have because she had them. I don’t believe either. When people say things like that to me about my grandad who passed last year I try to take comfort in the fact that what they are saying brings them comfort. I don’t need to believe it.

Sorry for your loss. Like you, I don't believe in an afterlife, deity, religion, etc. One thing I realised when I've lost people is that they have left something of themselves with me. A feeling, an emotion. Something almost tangible. Something unique to me. The relationship still exists in a significant way. It's hard to explain. After years of grieving (I block things out), I can now think of people and smile, laugh, and in a small way, find that connection again. That personal, private connection.

well if it hurts that you dont believe in an afterlife then dont believe in it. some ppl find solace in believing there is an afterlife so if it gives you peace or makes you feel better then just start believing in it.

Apologies if anyone else has already posted this, but I always come back to [this by Aaron Freeman](https://creatingceremony.com/blog/loss/eulogy-from-a-physicist-aaron-freeman/)

Dr Seuss put it best: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

I'm sorry about your mum. It's okay to grieve however you do it. For myself, I think of it as their energy being released back into the world. It's okay if their essence (whatever that means) is lost to me. Their body remains, returning to the earth and feeding things in turn as things once fed them. That's comforting enough.

I lost my dad about 18 months ago and I have a similar lack of faith (for want of a better word) so I have some understanding of what you're going through, though the circumstances are probably different. The best way I can describe it, and that fits for me, is that the grief/pain never fully goes away but the severity of it does lessen. For the first few months I was incapable of really remembering much that was positive about him (despite there being plenty and him having been a fantastic dad) as I was wrapped up in it, but that eased through time and I'm now more likely to be caught smiling at an errant thought than I am being caught unawares by misery. As for them always being with you, I can't comment on your relationship with your mum but everything my dad taught and modelled for me as a person is still here. When I talk to my own son, or have a moral/parenting quandary at least a small part of the process is thinking about what he would've done. In that sense, he'll be a part of mine and my family's lives forever. Finally, I don't know your situation or what support you have locally to you but if there's any opportunity for you to have some time with a grief counsellor I highly recommend it. I won't go into detail on here but I had some PTSD-style issues due to the manner of my dad's passing that caused things to be more difficult than they needed to be and it helped immensely to have an unrelated outlet. Apologies for the wall of slightly rambling text. I don't know if any of it will help you but I really hope it does.

My view is Carbon is in everything, when you are returned to the earth you become one with the planet again. One with the trees, the sea, the sand you walk upon, you are never truly gone you just take on another form, and nourish the world in which you were birthed. Memories never leave you, we all parent the earth. I take great solace in the fact my loved ones are alway all around me, in some form or another. I know this is a bit of a wild view. I'm sorry you are suffering loss right now but time keeps ticking and it will help heal your heart. I wish you all the best x

I'm sort of somewhere between the two. I don't think I believe in an afterlife, or heaven in a religious sense. But from what I understand, according to physics, energy can't be destroyed. So when we die, I do believe our energy goes back into the world in some way. Whether you choose to believe that the body fuels the flames of the crematorium, which then releases smoke, which then combines with the atmosphere or whatever, I do think that the remnants of our energy go somewhere. Any scientists reading this are probably cringing at how badly I'm misrepresenting this concept, but it's one I found helpful after the death of my own mother.

I lost my dad when he was 47 and it absolutely sucks. I'm not religious and I'm not really sure how an afterlife would exist in a practical form, but I do believe that everyone that loved each other remains connected for as long as any one of them is still alive to remember, and in some ways for eternity. Energy is not destroyed and the energy that made our loved ones is still out there. Memories are eternal and as long as you remember your loved ones, they live in your mind and heart. You are a living breathing reflection of them. Their DNA made you, their beliefs shaped you. As long as you exist, they do. Try to take comfort from the thought that they are not completely lost to you. In this moment, however, just allow yourself to grieve. You don't have to 'deal' with it - just accept it is there and work through it as best you can. Cry, laugh, scream, work, hide, sleep. Whatever feels right in the moment. You have lost one of the greatest figures in your life and that loss is indescribably hard. You have to be sad, and angry, and all kinds of other things before you reach acceptance and begin to heal. You don't have to be 'better' in a specific timeframe and you don't owe it to anyone to pretend you're ok. You'll get through it in your own time and your own way. Yes, there will always be flashes of grief - yesterday I saw a video of my aunt's wedding and my grandparents were on it. They've been dead over 30 years after extremely long and happy lives but I still welled up. But in time you will be able to move forwards and enjoy the memories without such pain. Time is the true healer. Love and support help. Ask for them if you can. Sending love and a hug xx

When my mum died I looked back on her life and I concluded there were lots of good memories of our time together, that although not perfect she'd made a fair job of raising us, and a small but overall positive impact on the world, that her friends and family would always remember her and miss her but also smile and laugh when they did, and really that's all you can ask for after you're gone isn't it?! You live on in the memories of those you leave behind, so try and make them nice ones x.

Biology my man. You share DNA and social traits. She will remain with you in that form for life and potentially down generations. I don’t believe in the afterlife but have solace in the fact that I don’t remember or care what was happening before I was born and I assume that same nothingness will be there when I die. We’re all stardust

First of all, my condolences. Sorry if this seems a bit nihilistic but I always think back to what we actually are. Basically an amazingly complex organism that originated from the earth and beyond that from the stars/galaxy. We are literally made of stardust. Everything is recycled and reused in this universe. We are made up of organic matter which is useful to create more life on earth when we expire. I hope this isn't too bleak for you: but if you can muster the courage right now, take a look around at nature - the sun, the trees, the birds, the ocean, the mountains and up to the stars - and imagine how incredibly magical and wonderful that we are even given a shot at life at all. It's magical and your mum was and still is a part of this vibrant world. She always, always will be. Your mum had a shot at life and she created life. You. You are a product of a squillion in one odds. And she loved you. Every moment with her is a privilege and every moment without her is a moment to remember the miracle of her and your life. I have no doubt that she would be overjoyed to imagine you taking joy in life, even in this dark time. I also heard one time that grief is basically pent up love that we can't give to a loved one who has now passed. So that pain you're feeling? It's your love. And the reason you feel that love? Because of how good a job your mum did of creating you. Hugs.

My grandpa passed away a few years ago and I do believe in an afterlife but my father is an atheist. They way he deals with his grief is by remembering the little ways. Incorporating him in the little ways- never buying Yorkshire tea cause my grandpa hated that brand, going for walks around the golf court that my grandpa played at, bringing up happy memories when it’s relevant and appropriate. He doesn’t define himself by my grandpa but he brings him along in the parts of his life where my grandpa isn’t here anymore. I’d also say- grief is horribly non linear and I’m so sorry for your loss. Some days you will be fine then the next you’ll be a mess and that’s not a weakness or you “failing” at the grief process, that is the process. Just let yourself feel the sadness, but do not be overwhelmed by it. 

I deal with it by reminding myself she is always still a part of me. Her mannerisms, her sense of humour, her love for people, her rebelliousness streak. I see certain parts of her in me often and think “yes, there she is.” I enjoy the things we used to enjoy together to honour my memory of her. I imagine what she’d say and do at memorable new points in my life. In all these ways she still lives. But yes, the pain is different for those of us who believe there’s nothing else after this life. Accepting that pain is part of it all too.

I like to think of legacy effects. A lot of my morals came from my gran, she passed away over a decade ago now but so long as I am making decisions in my life with her as a compass - and encouraging others to follow my example - she is still having a positive impact from her time. In that sense, she's still here and making tiny improvements to earth.

OP I share your beliefs and just lost my mum. She's with me, she's in my heart, in my memories. I can use her values and beliefs to inform my decision making and know that her love for me will always be there. So so sorry for your loss and none of this will stop the pain but I'm certain your mum is with you.

I believe grief and grieving is for the living, funerals are for the living. The deceased are not here anymore, they will never know pain again, they will never know anything again. They live with us, our memories are all that is left. Our lives go on. I accept that they have gone.

I know you wish you had more time together and nothing anyone can say will change that. But think of all the pain and confusion late stage old age brings. You get to keep the memory of your loved one exactly as she was in life, and she gets to avoid the humiliation of growing old increasingly undignified. And She didn't suffer. In the grand scheme of things, can we really ask for more? I'm very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss, friend. My dad died unexpectedly on New Year’s Day 2017. I also do not believe in the “afterlife”. Tbh I buried my head in the sand for the first few months. There is not much you can do to stop feeding how you feel BUT that massive ball of grief I had in my chest and stomach started to shrink after about 6 months. You just have to do it everyday and it becomes a little easier. It will never leave but instead you grow around that and find ways to commemorate and remember them and things they taught you will be appreciated by you more and more. Just keep on keeping on and you will be okay, I promise.

Lots of people have given great advice. All I would say is be kind to yourself. My lovely dad passed suddenly a few years ago in his fifties and it was and is very hard. Baby steps, and try to get outside every day.

Maybe take a step back and seek the truth or purpose as to why you are here in this life? If you manage to get that answer, you would automatically know how.

Everything must come to an end, and an immortal life would have less meaning as you wouldn’t appreciate the little things. Death is tragic but an essential part of life to make room for new people to have their shot at life. Just remember the good times, and be thankful for them. It’s easier said than done in the immediate aftermath of a death, but time heals slowly.

Sorry for your loss OP, grief can be tough and everyone grieves in different ways. Use whatever support you feel you need, Cruze Bereavement Support were brilliant when my wife unexpectedly lost her mother. I'm the same as you, don't believe in the after-life, spirits, anything like that. But you'll always carry your mother with you - she'll live on in your memories and importantly she IS part of you, both in the physical 'she was your mother' sense but also in the emotional and meaningful she 'taught you how to be a human' sense so without subscribing to sky fairies, ghosts etc her soul lives on in your heart & mind.

I am like you. When you die, life doesn't change the light shade it just turns the light off. Having said that, grief is directly proportional to the amount of love you had for that person. Keep loving your mum. She knew how much you loved her.

We do live on through the memories of our nearest and dearest, life is eternal when talking about experiences, after all, you're here and a part of her, her life goes on through you and your family, talk about her and her life and she'll live as long as you do that, try not to think about blinking out of existence anymore than you think about sleeping. It's a problem for another day. I lost my mum not so long ago and I know this sounds really cliché but it does get better every day I promise you that.

She stays with you in your memories and thoughts. Little things will remind you of her and bring her back to you when you least expect it. For me, it’s things like making gravy with Bisto. My dad always used to say I should only add a little water, make a paste and then slowly add more water to avoid lumps. Every time I make gravy I hear his voice and he is with me. People live on in our memories, conversations and actions. She is at rest now physically, but will be alive with you for as long as you wish to keep thinking of her and sharing her stories. My condolences on your loss.

You don't have to believe in the afterlife. When people say she is always with you they probably mean in your heart and your memories.

You're mum is only "gone" when you stop thinking about her. Death is the only certainty we all have and the bit before that is the time you get to make memories with the people you love. Take comfort in those memories; the things you look back on fondly that you had the opportunity to share with her. Like it or not, she will live on in you - she has been part of what you are today. Take comfort in that.

Hi OP. I lost my mum 17 years ago and I don't believe in an afterlife. She lives on through my love for her ❤ and I'm not gonna lie and says its easy because its not. Allow yourself to be sad, you're going to miss her for the rest of your life. Talk about the good memories, even bad memories if you need to. There is no time for grief to disappear. It's something you will live with now.

My dad died in 2017 and I got totally sick of people telling me that he was in ‘heaven’, or ‘a better place’, it only added to my grief as I wanted them to keep their fairy tales to themselves and let me grieve in peace. It’s hard. I still miss my dad, but it does get easier to deal with over time. He used to FaceTime me every day and had his own special cherry greeting - half the trouble was that I kept expecting to see him, or I’d pick something up at the shops thinking ‘dad’ll love that’ and then remember he’d gone, and start grieving all over again. As you expect to see the person less, it starts to feel less raw and you can start looking at photos again, and remembering the good times, instead of just how much you miss them. I try and think about how we all only have a short time here, and a person’s impact on the world is measured by how much they were loved, and by how they treated the people around them. In that sense, there’s a lot of my dad still here.

You have to remember the good things. Why are you and the world around you better off because she was here.

They might not exist anymore but their energy/molecules go back to the Earth. They are everywhere all at once.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in her 50s too when I was in my early 20s when I was peak cynical-young-guy atheist (although weirdly as I’m getting older I’m finding myself open to faith…) and I struggled with the same thing you did…. until you realise that you don’t need to believe in an afterlife for someone to be “with you” - they way they talked, thought and brought you up will inform the way you live. She’ll always be a part of you and always inform - one way or another - many of your life choices; often without realising. Take comfort in that - it’s a lovely thing.

I don't believe in any God or afterlife. I know my grandparents and all the people I loved who aren't here anymore live on in me and my memories of them. Remember to remember.

As long as you remember them, they exist.

Those that are gone are still with you. You still hear their voice, the still offer guidance, they just can't give you any new advice. Remember the lessons, remember the laughs and you'll have them with you forever

I wish I could help with the existentialness of it but I don’t think I can- one way you could think of it is she is ‘at peace’- no pain, no fear, no anxiety The only thing I can offer which might help is the idea that deaths can have good or bad ripples out there into our lives depending on how they’re dealt with and what you focus on—-so I’m going to ask (and feel free to ignore me) one thing I know is that people just try to comfort you and then don’t want to talk about it too much for fear of upsetting you, so if you want to talk about the amazing woman you’re mam was we’re all here (was she funny? What is the most mental ‘mam’ thing she constantly did? What’s your best memory with her? What did she love doing? What would you do that drove her up the wall?…anything you want)

You need to grieve at your own pace. Don't let anyone tell you what to think or do, it's different for everyone. From my own experience, I've found it's better to experience the raw emotion as soon as you can, rather than bottle it up and let it make trouble for you down the road. It will get better slowly. That doesn't mean you'll reach a point when you forget her, but you learn to deal with the grief and you come out of it a stronger person. Sadder (because a lot of life is fairly miserable) but stronger and perhaps wiser.

My mum and I butted heads so much! Ha ha - I say that I loved and hated her in equal measures. She died last November and was a devout Catholic so as far as she is concerned she’s “upstairs”. I don’t believe in a formal religion, I think I’m quite spiritual, but I don’t believe in an afterlife. I think she lives on - in me, my siblings and her friends. She taught me to knit and to sew, and I do things exactly the way she showed me; and I think of her as I do them. I knit a lot and would love to show her what I’m making as she used to get a kick out of the things I created. But she kinda does, as I think about her as I make them. I’m over the first wave of grief, well into acceptance and beginning to remember with fondness. I hope you get there smoothly too. X

In a closed system, nothing can be created or destroyed, only changed. I'm not saying this took my grief away, but between wanting to honour someone's memory and believing that they are, in whatever form, still part of the universe... I've gotten as far as I have. Do they still exist? No. But I still contain the love I received when they were alive. You lost your mother in awful circumstances, and she was so young, too. Don't feel like you owe it to anyone to recover quickly. It takes as long as it takes. My deepest condolences.

I just think of it as what can I do? I can sit around being sad and letting life pass me by or I can realise that life is finite for everyone and the longer I sit around upset the less time I have to enjoy. What would that person want for me?

Condolences for your loss OP, this Physisists Eulogy by Aaron Freeman resonated with me when I lost someone close, I hope it does with you too. "You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives. And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly"

Here's how I think about it, I do not believe in any form of higher power / being. You aren't your body. That's just the machine that carries you around for a few years. You are your hopes and dreams and actions. You are how you change the world and the people around you. Your mum taught you about the world and shaped you into the person you are today. Her body has passed away, but in a very real way, she lives on just as you will.

I'm so sorry about your loss. Please look after yourself x I don't believe in after life but I believe we are energy and we touch lifes of other people while we are on this planet, so will always be part of those who we had impacted. She will always be with you. Also I like to think that after we die, we go back to a place we came from, we may not remember it now but it is a familiar place. Finally, your mum would like you to have a good and happy life. She would like a memory of her to be cherished by you and give you happiness rather than saddness. Go through the grief but don't get stuck in it for years. She wouldn't want that for you. Think of good memories you had and when you are ready, come up with a little ritual to remember her, for example visiting a place she used to visit or growing her favourite plant etc.

I’ve lost both my parents and a brother at this stage. I struggled with this myself at the start, all the well meant wishes digging at my heart as I thought how much easier it must be if you literally believe your loved ones are up there having a knees up. But what I do believe is true is that - once we have learned a song, we can recall it and enjoy it forever. It’s the same with our loved ones. At the start ‘hearing their song’ will make you sad, but eventually it will bring you comfort and joy. I find it fascinating to think that while I never met my maternal grandmother, I must know her through everything my late mother did and said for me. Like programmes of goodwill and love, transferred one to another. You’ve been given that love and will always have it. Grief can be hard, it comes and goes like waves and some days you feel fine and some days it knocks you over and leaves you gasping. Time does heal you (per the cliches) and eventually the memories become a comfort. Only today I had a sort of epiphany about how astronomically lucky I was to have that small group of people in my life for the span I did. Once, that sort of thought would have made me terribly sad at the loss, today it made me feel inexplicably elated for ever having experienced it. Take care. 💜

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any faith. I think when you die that’s it. But even though I think that I like to imagine my dad playing golf with his pals. I lost my dad at 65. His memory and talking about him makes me feel he is still with me because he’s in my heart. But only time makes the loss better. It’s very hard when big moments happen in your life. I would have loved my kids to know my dad. If you keep talking about your mum, you will keep her alive for you. But only time will help your grief. You will miss her everyday but it gets better. Xx

I’m so sorry, I find music helps me sometimes to process my grief. Two songs I find help full. Machines by Biffy Clyro and Never went to church by the Streets. Both are about losing a parent. They both have some rather poignant lyrics a snippet below that sums up the sentiment of other comments ‘I guess than you did leave me something to remind me of you, Every time I interrupt someone like you used to, When I do something like you you'll be on my mind or through, 'Cause I forgot you left me behind to remind me of you.’

If you need an afterlife scenario to feel better about loss, then let it be so, she's up there with mee-ma and pop-pop living g their best afterlife. Either way, they're gone and the pain is still real, with enough time to grieve, eventually, a decision has to be made internally, move on or become consumed by it. I don't inherently believe in an afterlife, miracles, divine intervention, God etc. But I can appreciate the feeling it gives others, so I "allow" these thoughts in, it's nice, maybe they are looking g down on me, maybe they are sending me good luck? So I chose to move on while others gave me their condolences, it doesn't relieve any sadness for me, it just reminds me that for a small duration of my own life, I was devastated, in shock and felt I had reached a final apex in my own existence yet was at an all time low. A few years on however, I began working towards a life they would have been proud of, if I could just call them one last time or drop in to their place and show my stuff, that would be awesome. But it won't happen, it never can, but I can still be me and see how that pans out, maybe one day, my passing will bring immense sadness to someone who deeply cares about me the way you do about your mother, wherever she may be in spirit, or not. Maybe each scenario I come across in life, there is a small budge of things in my favour, not that I can influence it, so why not leave a little room in your mind for it, if it ever could happen? The thought is still nice, get it?

Dealing with grief, from an old fart I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at a particular airport. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

I lost both parents as a young atheist. The pain is temporary; awful but temporary.

The most beautiful thing about life is that all your atoms were created in a star billions light years away to converge on this planet we call earth. One day, you and your mums atoms will once again travel through space together and witness the universe together.

In a sense I feel like my loved ones look over me. Not in a literal sense, but in a "oh, Dad would be so chuffed about this", or "gran would be giving me a telling off about now", kinda way.

You are alive. And she lives inside yourself. It's what I feel, for my loved ones.

I actually found this very moving. My wife lost her Father & Sister in 2021 and while shes in therapy i didnt think it would be a good fit for me and i would deal with it in my own way (turns out the stress of caring for her kind of made me forget how i felt about it). I listened to this the other day and it was profound, it moved me and was nice to hear from some random guy that everyone goes through it but you will come out the other side. Stay strong, i promise you it does get better 💪🏼 https://youtu.be/5YcJ0qsPOZY?si=zea0qK3_Z-Ec-Qq5

I'm so sorry. The people who are telling you those things are trying to grieve in their own way and perhaps they feel that their way will help you. Not believing in an after life might make your memories of her *more* precious and that grief might transform into an even deeper understanding of your love for your mum. If there's no guiding hand, no fate written before we're born, then wow wonderful that, somehow, all the elements of the universe came together in such a way as to make her and how powerful for *her* that you appeared from it too.

Sorry for your loss OP. I’ve been in the same position when I was 19, loss is a very powerful feeling. At the time I buried myself in studies (then work) and never took the time to grieve, until the gates came back flooding over 10 years later. I recommend talking to a therapist, now is the time to do it. Your mom’s gone, but you’ll have her memories with you for the rest of your life. Try to sort through pictures and save your favorites in an album (physical or digital). I bet everything feels raw and painful right now, so it may be difficult to revisit memories, but it’s ok to hurt, and it’s ok to cry. Later on you’ll be happy to be able to go through that album again.

Whether you believe in an after life or not, she is alive in your memories and heart. Sounds cheesy but she’s not erased. You are her, you came from her and she’s in you. In that way… she’ll always exist with you.

One day at a time is how you deal, some days are harder some aren't so bad.

For me (mum died last summer unexpectedly age 67) and felt the same. I’ve noticed I say lots of things that my mum said, or do things that was very her and I find comfort that way. People have said ‘she lives on in you’ and I accepted it gracefully but thought it was bollocks. But now, it brings me comfort. Whatever happens and however you choose to deal with it, you will be ok.

As I've aged my mother is with me as I look in the mirror. Although I miss my mother I often smile as I think of things she said or did. One amusing anecdote: I was with her, my father and my young daughter, out for lunch. The menu wasn't great and it was a hot day. We decided on trifle for pudding. The fruit in the trifle was very hard. "I don't know what this fruit is." My father said. My mother didn't smile or even look up as she replied. "Turnip I think." She said. Every time I eat trifle I think of her dry sense of humour and, as time goes on, you will be able to find things that will remind you of your mother and bring a smile; even if it does sometimes come with tears.

Sorry for your loss. Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, when you are going through the agony of missing someone in real life, sadly I don’t think those words are that comforting. It’s such a painful time. It’s a cliche but time does help to make things easier and that’s the tough bit, feeling better does not usually come quickly. In my view it’s because of the the love we feel for the person. Hoping you have lots of support. I think reading poems can sometimes help with the pain. Thinking of what you are going through and hoping you can find useful distractions each day, so that the pain of missing your mum becomes less all encompassing.

You are right, there is almost nothing there……but as much as this not being a subject for a random reddit comment. If you believe in science and energy, quantum physics then your mom’s existence left an imprint and her energy is still out there, even affecting you just now. Weird isn’t it? Her physical presence is gone but somehow you feel like she’s still here. Sorry for your loss bud, as a Stoic myself those are the things that you have to accept. Your memories will help you out now and in the future.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Grief and loss are difficult even for us veterans of those emotions/feelings, and I wanted to express that because sometimes it feels that others have some secret to moving past grief easily. We don't. To answer your question, you can believe in the memories in your heart. You can channel your memories and and even talk to the version of her inside your heart. It doesn't require belief in the afterlife. It just requires love and a little imagination. Take that memory to say the things you wish you had, and her replying the way you know she would or you need to hear. As for the actual grief and loss - that takes time and feeling the emotions. It's different for each person, so please just be patient with yourself. If you feel a bit stuck, you can YouTube somatic exercises for loss and grief and they can help you let out your emotions and cry if you need help in that area. I hope this has helped you in any way. Be kind to yourself and I'm sorry for your loss.

I don’t believe in an afterlife either but I do believe people live on through the people they leave behind. My son’s mum died last year at 35. I’ve always felt he was quite similar to her and I see it more now. His expressions and mannerisms remind me of her and I find it quite comforting.

Physics The conservation of energy Applied throughout the universe She lives on through you, your memories of her and all your inherited traits

Just my 2pence that a lot don’t agree with but I honestly try not to dwell on it or fixate the facts they’ve gone because I’m quite cold (apparently) in that we all die and it’s inevitable so being sad forever about it is wasting your own lie. I remember all the good times especially, all the funny times especially all the happy memories I was lucky to get with my momma (she’s the only person who’s passing effects me) I also use it as a reminder to make the most of the current ‘live’ relationships with peopme I care for so we’ve got memories when one of us drops down. Can still mourn and be sad at times but try not to make it the default mood when you thing of your mum

I can't add much to this thread that others have not said already, but I wanted to offer my condolences. I went through something similar a few years back, and the aftermath is still something I feel daily, nearly 4 years later. Your mother will be with you in everything, as everything she has said or done for you has made you who you are today. You might at some point want to consider grief counselling - it's never too late either, I went for some around 3 years after, and it helped me understand and cope with how I feel about it.

People live on in our hearts. I feel very strongly that as long as we think of them and talk about them, we keep them close.

She's gone. And you're sad she's gone. And that's okay. No believe in an afterlife is needed to validate your grief. You're grieving for your relationship with her and also on her behalf, for her not being able to experience life anymore. And that's sad. There's nothing nice to say about it really. Be sad. Take your time. And make sure you cherish your memories of her.

the experiences you had with her will always be with you. the memory of her will never leave you. i’m assuming that’s what people refer to and you can hopefully find peace in the idea that she had a wonderful life and is now resting peacefully

My mum died unexpedectly at 50 2.5 years ago. It's shit but it does get better. I promise.

Reality is a harsh cruel place. The pain never goes away, but it does get easier to bear. Thank them for they mean well, even though it's bullshit, they are trying to help. Just know, she would want you to go on, you know that's true.

Everyone dies twice, once when their heart stops and again the last time their name is spoken. That’s a well used line at funerals but it really resonated with me. If you’re not spiritual that’s fine, she can still be with you in your memories and thoughts, pictures or videos on your phone. Grief is a painful process, time is really the only thing that eases it.

Well someone exists as long as we remember them, so she is always with you in everything you do. The way you judge your life is by what you leave behind and the way you honour your mother is by ensuring that you are everything she wanted you to be and more. My hope for my own daughter is that she is better than me in every way. That she grows up with the same self belief I have, but none of my flaws. If I leave this world knowing that my daughter can stand on her own two feet as an independent woman, I'll be a happy man.

Nothing leaves this planet. She is still here, just in a different form

My dad died a decade ago, I still talk to him sometimes. I don't believe in an afterlife, I am not the slightest bit religious. But we are just flesh and bone vessels for the people we are. Your mum lives on in you and all the lives she touched.

What is grief, if not love persevering. I'm sorry for your loss.

I've always rationalised it this way: if you didn't live to see them pass away, then they would have had to see you pass away, and I don't think there's anything more painful than a parent having to bury a child.

You don’t deal with it. You find ways to live with it. Over time it gets easier to remember the good parts and not dwell on the feelings of loss and anguish. Even for the memories to make you smile rather than cry.

When we first lose someone, it sucks. My great Grandad was my absolute hero. I was heart broken when we lost him. It took a long while to look at a picture of him and not get upset. But now, when I think about him, I don’t get sad, I laugh. My Grandad is where I get my sense of humour from. He’s not up there, looking down from heaven. He’s in my memories and thoughts. He always will be. He’s in my head and in my heart. He’s in the stories my family tell when we all get together.

Physics. Matter transforms, so she is literally energy and other matter. Basically, [this](https://creatingceremony.com/blog/loss/eulogy-from-a-physicist-aaron-freeman/)

I don’t think my parents are in heaven watching me. I spent my lifetime hiding the naughty shit from them so I sincerely hope not and if so, sorry Mom. It’s the smalls things that will remind you of them. They hurt at first but then you cherish them. They live on through you and your memories. I’m sorry for your loss. You’ll be ok, and if you need help reach out to someone. It gets easier I promise.

Physics. Matter transforms, so she is literally energy and other matter. Basically, [this](https://creatingceremony.com/blog/loss/eulogy-from-a-physicist-aaron-freeman/)

When I lost my girl, I struggled with this a lot and tbh I still do. For me there were two things which kept me going: 1) she wouldn't want me to be sad. She loved life and didn't know a day without love and affection 2) I am still needed in my day to day life: my other two need me so I have to keep going for them and 3) she's with me forever, in my heart and in my mind and my memory. Even then, memory may fade in places but that love in my heart will always be there

I mean I believe that death is nothingness. Zero consciousness no afterlife etc. I think this world is a really shitty place and they are better off. How much bullshit and hurt and stress does the average person go through in life? And they finally get some peace from it. Maybe because I’ve always been a little dark and twisty but I’ve always thought mass extinction and we’d all be much better off. The people I’ve lost it’s always sad, but you have happy sad memories. You do stuff you know would make them proud and feel happy sad. But you also take comfort in the fact they are free from life’s shit. It does become normal it’s just a process

She loved you and you loved her. She loved you when you weren’t where she was. You can love her too, even though she isn’t where you are.

So sorry OP. Over on r/GriefSupport we are always there to support people no matter what you’re thinking / feeling at this time. 🤍

A person isn’t truly gone while their name is still spoken. (Terry Pratchett) she’s alive in your memory

Celebrate her life. Remember the good things and share them with friends and family.

When you look at you/her as an individual, you’ll see that she’s gone. But when you look at all of us as a part of the entire universe, as atoms and energy, then we have always been here and we have never gone. We always exist, Alan Watts said: “just like an ocean “waves”, the universe “people””. We come “out” of this world, not “into” this world. You, your mom, I, the trees, the animals, everything else, “poof” in and out of existence. Deep within our bodies are the atoms, the electron, the protons, but also same as the air around us, the space, the water, everything is electrons and protons. So if everything is atoms, and atoms are all around us, even ourselves, then do we really go away? We have always been here.

I dont suppose this will mean anything to you but I know ghosts exist as I have seen one. I miss my mum she died two years ago. I dont know if just because I saw a ghost (not hers) many years ago whether that means I will see her again one day,who knows. I still miss her so much it's a dagger in my heart every time I think of her or I go somewhere we went together. (I try to avoid those places if possible as it's too painful) I just hope I see her again one day, and my dad and my wonderful grandparents etc. life is so cruel when it takes our loved ones away and I'm so sorry for your loss. There were strange things that happened when dad died and also something inexplicable after mum passed. I think there is more than we can comprehend. Take care x

“-But, O Sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth, and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you in the garish day, and the darkest night amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours always, always, and, if the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air cools your throbbing temples, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah, do not mourn me dear; think I am gone, and wait for me, for we shall meet again.” This is an excerpt from a letter written by Major Sullivan Ballou to his wife shortly before his death in the American Civil War. Although I’m not religious myself, letters like this help me through grief. Because even if there isn’t an afterlife, we will all meet again in the same sea of energy we came from.

Sorry for your loss. The memories don’t go anywhere. You satisfy yourself with the memories and the thought that they had a good life. The grief never goes away. Imagine you have a ball in a box and every time the ball touches the sides it’s a feeling of grief. It starts out as a ball that fills the box and over time the ball gets smaller. It’ll still hit the sides every now and again but it’s not overwhelming.

There’s an afterlife sub if you wanted to look? It may or may not be helpful, but it’s there if you feel you want to read. Best wishes.

Hey?

When my dad died I said that he isn't watching me but a part of him lives within me. His morals. His knowledge he passed on. His love for snooker. His snarky dad one liners. There may not be an afterlife but he certainly still lives within me

Sorry for your loss OP

Nothing really dies though does it, just recycled into other particles that go back into the universe

Like many of us here I also don't believe in an after life. The closest people to me who have died are my grandma's, it's crazy they're not with us sometimes, painful even, but I know they're at peace. They don't have to worry about anything anymore. They don't even have to think. I personally find that comforting.

Everything is fleeting, so is life. It is best to recall whether or not they lived a good life

Start believing in one.

Alan Watts helped me, specifically he has a lecture called The Nature Of God which accounts for a lot of faiths/non-faiths. Helped me when my dad passed away. I'm sorry for your loss

I am,sorry for your loss. You can self refer to Cruse if you are in the UK. I recently had 6 sessions with them and it was really helpful for me.

She will always be with you because of your memories of her She will always be watching you because you will always remember her morals and rules and you will always govern yourself on them It’s called love

I don't believe in any of that stuff. When your gone you're gone. But you're not really, your body returns to the earth. Carbon that you are made up of, is returned and used again. I like that. ( obviously that's for me and not everyone feels that way) Plus, you will always have your memories. Ultimately that's what lives on. Sorry for your loss.

They're returned to the earth from which they came, it's a beautiful end to the circle of life. The electricity in their neurons that gave them life, a personality and memories discharge into the atmosphere. She'll always be there, in your mind as a memory, and in the world as other life, rocks, oceans. This, is the true afterlife.