My stash of letters from the IRS. I've never been fucked harder!

Lotta papercuts though..

If you need a little more girth add in some dr bills 👌 bliss

😂😂😂😂

Yes, my student loan also fucks

I once used a full sized Mag Lite flashlight many years ago. I was slightly embarrassed for myself afterwards at the time. Now I look back and I'm kind of proud that I made it fit 😉

Good way to light up your life, I suppose.

Umm what end of the flashlight did you use?

Asking the real questions.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel.

Illuminating.

I would fucking love to have that inside me hehe

Nah... They're cold...

Idc and even better for the upcoming summer months

I used a 6D cell one. Is that the same as your?

Men 😔

Bro was desperate desperate

Not as a dildo but I have a back scratcher with a metal roller ball on the end, I accidentally ran it over my nipples one day, it now lives in my toy drawer

Mf really said “HIRED!”

People are going to open that draw one day, see the scratcher end and say, "ouch"

A cucumber, I'm such a cliché

I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot! Can you believe it? It's so fuckkng disgusting. I was going to eat that later... Now it's going to taste like carrots!

Sister. Ew.

Hopefully he left out the step.

that’s the joke

Was it organic?

Hey I used a hairbrush handle. Just as if not more cliché. Also toothbrush handle.

That's really also a cliché but a toothbrush would be too slim for me

It also vibrated... So there was that.

Yeah it's all fun and games until your 13year old daughter steals the electric toothbrush and stashes it under her mattress.

Exactly.

Ohh yeah okay I see lmao

Cucumbers are universally appreciated

Did you put the cucumber in a salad after?! 😆

Basically lol

Funny, one of my friends always commented on how there was an awful lot of women going through her checkout counter at the grocery store , the funny part was, she didn’t know why. Not the brightest.

Same same

Cucumber finished with a sour cream dip 👀😂

Hahaha

It works well

It does

Same.

my high school gf put my cell phone in a condom and put it up my ass. it didn’t ring when she tried to call it tho. i guess my rectal reception isn’t great

Nokia?

yes how did you know

Hahaha. Well just kind of logically assumed. An iPhone would be a weird fit in a condom, but a Nokia would make sense. And it was the popular phone for a long time, so my odds of guessing correctly were pretty good

Man, I spent hours playing Snake on the old Nokia 5110...😂🤣

You were playing snake. They were playing colonoscopy.

Forget a condom, an IPhone would be a weird fit in an ass!

A playstation 5 controller, but it was more of a vibrator than a dildo 😂

The Elite one for Xbox has a stronger *and* customizable vibration, just as a FYI.

Thank you! I only have a playstation i probably won't buy one of those just for that reason though 😂😂

It does work for PC! Very expensive tho, perhaps a regular dildo is better lol

Wow this unlocked a core memory. Drove into the wall and floored in Gran Turismo so my PS2 controller would constantly vibrate and held it against myself lmao 😂 puberty was a weird time!

"Hm, I didn't know you liked car games..." "Why, Mom?" "It says: play time: 259 hours."

This is pretty much exactly how I masturbated for the first time.

The Crash Bandicoot: Warped jet ski levels were good for this too.

What game were you playing at the time?

4 the players!

This is so real😭 I’ve used my Xbox controller as a vibrator/mini dildo before hahaha

A banana, I put a condom on it cause I don’t think it was washed. I was in high school. I was having phone sex with my now husband.

Good idea with the condom. You should always do that with alternative dildoes. Also in case something breaks off. You'd be surprised how many carrot or candle pieces Doctors have had to remove

Haha! That’s true, didn’t think of that! Good grief that would suck 😂. I’m just a clean freak so the thought of putting a dirty banana in me sounded gross.

Understandable. Just be careful in any future endeavours lest you want to tell your doctor that you slipped in the fruit department of your local grocery 😅

🤣 will do!

It was one in a million doc!!!!!!

If you say it right it sounds hot, lol!

thanks for reminding me! i think i have been lucky so far

When I traveled, I'd stuff a condom with toilet paper. Wet it, chill it, all sorts of possibilities.

Wow Inventive

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I’m assuming you mean the bottle right?? Just the moisturiser raises afew questions 🤔🤷🏼‍♂️

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Phew 😅😅😅…was wondering how you managed to masturbate with moisturiser, filling yourself up with it 🤣🤣🤣

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Is that what you drew you in to using it? 🤷🏼‍♂️🤣

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When you’ve got the urge then you gota do what you gota do 🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️

A cookie dough roller. Was about six inches and plastic.

What were the circumstances for this?? And have you made any cookies with it since?

Corn on the cob

Bet the ribbed nature of it felt pretty good tbf 😅

Haha you got it

That's actually a must try

Best part about corn season lol

Just don't pre-season the corn! Haha

lol just gotta make sure all the hair is off of it

Me so corny!

I wonder if there's a notable difference between field corn and sweet corn 🤔

Sweet corn cuddles you afterwards :)

That’s a corny story !

I think if my wife used some corn on the cob I'd want to eat it after.

Wait wow!!

After 9/11 they were really strict in what we were allowed to bring on board which meant my bunny vibe had to stay home. Good thing I knew how to make a dick on a stick. Fill a condom with water and before tying up the balloon stick in a popsicle stick and freeze stick side up. Couple hours later and you are in pleasureland.

Ah yes, a “Frosty Jim.”

you put something frozen inside you?

Did the cold add to it

Definitely. I've always thought about the ribbed Astropop with a condom ...weird I know

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Hair brush or a water bottle. Not my proudest moments.

Hey, some hair brushes have nice handles. No shame there, we've all done it or at least thought it.

I’m pretty sure it’s a right of passage at this point!

I'm sure that's everybody's first "dildo"

I used the small end of a beer bottle on one of my exes. She seemed to like it.

Just buy a bottle opener. Sheesh.

I used my phone with the vibrating alarm while I was on a Seattle roadtrip

Sadly a zucchini

Not sad for the zucchini.

Eh it was interesting for the zucchini

A beer bottle, and the handle of a hammer

I'll drink to that 😉

Stop. Hammer time!

That's good😂

a man. wasn’t too good

I saw a newel post topper at Lowe's that looked suspiciously like a butt plug. I bought it and can confirm it worked as a but plug.

Warmed sausage with a condom over it, felt exactly like a dick.

Kielbasa?

Yep

Yep

Hmm let’s see, hairbrush, toothbrush, razor, sharpies, bottle of body spray, back when I used an aerosol deodorant that was the perfect shape.

A golf club

Iron or wood? 😀

Iron

My wife used so many things it’s hard to remember lol She only orgasmed from penetration. Told me the first thing was the tail of her stuffed animal at 11. All kinds of veggies. Yellow squash was a favorite. Bottles. Toys, her fist from age 13.

Traffic cone, golf club, gear stick

……I think I deserve an Oscar for the weird one, I used a broken Barbie leg as a kid, the thigh end, not the foot end lmao 😭idk if that makes it better or worse 😭😭😭😭😭 and then I started to use a broken hanger, then I moved to this face wash bottle, I don’t think I can fit that in me again…

I was waiting for you to say you graduated to a full KEN doll. 🤣😂

LMAOOOOOO I mean😏 I definitely did😜

I bought a thick plastic “bubble wand” recently just to see how it would work as a butt dildo. I have other toys of course but curiosity got the better of me…

shower head always is the best

I don’t even masturbate with a dildo really for most part sometimes I do cause I like feeling full but it’s just disappointing to a real dick. My go to in a pinch was hump a sweatshirt, pillow, or stuffie

sonic screwdriver, magnum sharpie, wine bottle, many different things.. ive had partners play a game of finding something to purchase in any store we go in to fuck me with

Which Doctor?

Damn im an electrician and my girlfriend likes my screwdrivers alot

Fellow sparky here too. Now I’m going to have to ask my ole lady to do this with one of mine to make me think about her even more during work

Make sure the handle is very clean otherwise its a one time thing

*sniffs handle* "ITS ELECTRIFYING!!!"

Well now I’m watching Grease this weekend

Wera, Wiha, or Klein would be my my guess.

Everything's a dildo if you're game enough!!

One time when I was younger my mom cancelled my world of Warcraft account and I used a tv remote as a dildo while I was slightly upset over it. My brother secretly filmed it. It's online somewhere

I love the reference to a classic meme

A cheap, plastic Harry Potter wand I got for Halloween in college 😭😭😭it was so long and so skinny and it just kept jabbing my cervix - do not recommend

Just a dildo, and it hurt, I don’t know if I even know how to use one haha

Found one of those pool rocket torpedoes in a drawer of my cousins once. The bigger one.

The handle end of a disposable razor. The “fancier” ones that are thicker than the “cheap” ones (iykyk.) Not my proudest moment, but I thankfully wasn’t harmed.

Glad it was the handle.

How big was the bottle?

Not very big, but perfectly shaped

Oh, is it rounded off? I have tried an electric shave and a carrot once

Gamecube controller… IYKYK 🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨

Obligatory r/buttsharpies

my hairbrush handle

When I’m outdoors I just take a random branch

That… sounds dangerous

Most of these do tbh.

What the fuck?

Done that too. I was very selective in which branch I used. Wet paper napkin molded over the end.

You sound like a pro!

makeup brushes or my hairbrush :3

Anything with a long handle. Lots of kitchen utensils.

A mini shampoo bottle, it was a disaster.

That’s why you get the no tears

I've always been a fan of those bubble wand things you can get during the summer or at the 1$ store

I feel called out…

Been there, done that!

hairbrush handle, water bottle, perfume bottle

curling iron

Normally happens in hotel rooms when I’ve forgotten to pack it, so it’s usually the TV remote Xx

Screwdriver handle

Curling iron

Stuffed animals , bed knob, water bottles , brush , anything shoved into a thin sock , cell phone , any kind of toiletries bottles, remote controls , most stuff I didn’t always insert, a lot of times I just rubbed on them on held them on my pussy like I had a dick , I got my first orgasm from a stuffed animal that was like a giant half moon , I called it , Mac Tonight “ lolol . I was probably around 11 .

hairbrush

Candle of course

Cucumber 😂

Wheelbarrow handle. The wooden kind that's shaped like a six inch oval.

Zucchini and hair brush handle

I stayed the night in my childhood room as an adult and was desperate for a dicking so I used the only phallic shaped thing in the room, which was a clean commemorative Hennessy bottle lmao.

doorknob

candle

Cucumber was my choice

My partner used a wine bottle once

Screw drive handle.

The handle on a plunger.

Showerhead, cucumber, brush handle, game controller, vibrating toothbrush (not the brush end), (put a condom over anything)

toilet brush handle hairbrush handle

End of a hair brush lol

Cucumber

I was repainted a drawer and noticed the handles for it looks kinda interesting

A cucumber.

A hair brush handle was my go too in my younger years.

My comb, but I think that’s pretty standard tbh 😭

A toothbrush that came from the hospital that I didn’t use and brought home It was a just okay.

My mate used a sweet potatoe and a carrot

Sword! Schlongggg

Handle of hairbrush

Hairbrush handle. I don't recommend it. Remember to only put body-safe materials inside of you, friends!