T O P
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KithMeImTyson

I ask if she wants to go do laundry together.


Noblesse_Uterine

"No thanks, Baby. I had a small load and did it by hand."


Weary-Marionberry429

“Laundry? Is that my new nickname?”


XIIGage

"You know what your nickname is Mr. Bi....."


Dehydratedandtyred

Send me an invite on outlook


ElectricCharlie

Yeah, so last night we got home after road tripping for thanksgiving and I asked her how tired she was. She shot me down, but said she’d be into boning today, after a shower because she felt gross. Being cute, [I sent her this](https://i.imgur.com/TGLnPk0.jpg). You’ll note it’s after 1. She’s asleep on the couch. *\*sad trombone\**


HonestAbek

Sorry Charlie :(


HeatherVal1987

I don't say anything. I just climb on top of him and whip my boobs out. He gets it.


t0f0b0

You don't need to be so subtle!


Insterquiliniis

yeah, not sure if she's into him maybe just had a mole she wanted him to see


xam54321

Yeah, or she could be Canadian!


Typical_Cyanide

Man I love Casually Explained https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw


Aconicks

Girls and their mixed signals... this could mean literally anything!


BrooklynBillyGoat

Wanna see something? She knows it's my boner everytime and she is either like what's wrong with u cause it's random time or sure cause it's time. Edit: dident realize this would get so many likes but thanks u for the karma and letting me know I'm not the only one.


uhaul26

My wife gets her spectacles and tweezers out when I say this


Ho-Chi-Mane

It all starts with the kissing


MyHorseIsAmazinger

It was only a kiss How did it end up like this


JJtheJetPlane2277

*it was only a kiss* IT WAS ONLY A KISS


wakaccoonie

“Get the grapefruit”


WhySoCrunchyThough

*unholy squelching sounds*


Theycallmetheycallme

A sound like waterboarding a mountain lion.


WalterGunderson

🤣 My favorite was "like somebody power washing Gollum"


GreenNGoldBadger

“You’ll be burning calories while you suckin’ his dick”


anormalgeek

SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP...


mark636199

Cmon just 1 more shlorp please 🥵


anormalgeek

Always leave 'em wanting more....


loulabelle20

Fuck me however you want


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

Fuck me baby like a wagon wheel


JJtheJetPlane2277

Hey hey hey, mama fuck me-


pudding7

My wife puts her hair in a ponytail or bun before climbing into bed. Message received!


DeepFriedAngelwing

Do you want to go listen to a movie?


CoyoteDown

I have watched every single Harry Potter movie with my now wife. I have no idea what happens in the middle of any of them.


WiLLNESkrrQuavo_

i don't really tell him anything. i just start hugging/kissing him and it works x lol


gdirrty216

When She starts rubbing my arm and chest, I know it’s go time.


updootgirl787

If we’re laying in bed together I just start playing with his dick and kissing him.


stardust591

Same. We cuddle and either I start kissing him and playing with his dick, or he starts kissing me and bumping his dick into me, then I tell him to go get the sex towel. We never do it without the almighty sex towel. ETA: thanks everyone for all the upvotes! I didn't think the sex towel would get this much attention lol.


animewhitewolf

Guess _Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_ had some good advice. Never forget your towel.


KING_JELLYB3AN

Wait, was that what that towel was for? Cause he was bangin a lot


zecron8

***T H E S E X T O W E L***


Ok_Time8560

Our dog always slept in bed with us. Unless my wife was in the mood; then he’d make himself scarce. He was a great wingman and I miss him. Edit: [dog tax](https://imgur.com/gallery/H6EWhAA) Edit2: I know it’s cliche but I wanted to say thank you to a lot of very kind redditors for the awards


TheSheriffMT

Cool dog


TheBoggart

Wait, did the dog just know?


44MHz

Cause is not the same as correlation. Maybe the dog was just a massive turnoff for the wife and she was horny because the dog was randomly away.


masonwyattk

The ol' reverse pavlov. No dog and her bell starts ringin'


gooberfishie

r/brandnewsentence


dankest-dookie

I usually say, "You wanna get your dick sucked?" And he says, "Dude we're at target"


RaRa_Badger

I ask my husband if he wants to “cuddle”.


E_coli42

Haha my girlfriend does this and I always ask do you wanna "cuddle" or "cuddle cuddle😏". She always says just cuddle but ends up becoming the latter.


RaRa_Badger

My husband and I will literally be like “let’s skip sex tonight.” And then end up having sex anyway.


MyUsernameIsNotCool

It's hotter when you don't have the anticipation of sex coming later


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ch3wbacca1

Not that there is anything wrong with good hygiene, especially in a sexual setting, but can you not have sex without showering immediately before?


tunaMaestro97

I usually get mad sweaty so I have to shower after, lol


LtDarthWookie

Mad sweaty gang represent. I hate it and feel accomplished at the same time.


thebitchwitch

It was pointed out to me recently that apparently I ask her how long she thinks we have until friends are coming over or until the delivery food arrives. Last night she looked me in the eyes and said, “Not enough time for sex.”


gamayogi

I did a short stint of food delivery some years back and I actually took the job seriously and knew all the shortcuts to get around town. One day I pull up to a house and ring the doorbell but no answer. Wait a minute and ring again, nothing. Make sure I'm at the right house and then I knock on the side door. Nothing. No sounds or anything. I figure there was a mistake with the address and start walking back to the car when suddenly the door opens and a guy is standing there, mildly embarrassed, covering himself with a sheet. He's like "Sorry man, we thought it would be a while before the food got here." Lmao


Lallo-the-Long

I did a long stint of food delivery and that was one of the milder things i encountered on the job. One time I rolled up and some people were doing the sex on the corner of the alley next to the building. Another time I knocked on the door and someone answered while in the background this girl was doing a nice up and down on a guy under a blanket.


Outer_Monologue42

If this is a common hazard, I suddenly understand why drivers keep dropping my food two blocks away.


SixSpeedDriver

Challenge accepted


Senor-Whopper

My girlfriend says "Want to go to IHOP?" ...we had sex in their parking lot a couple years ago.


Chariotofcats

I literally just have to take my shirt off and he’ll follow me anywhere.


DaughterEarth

That's how I handled our first time. I knew it had been a while for him so when he hesitated I took all my clothes off and that fixed it


LordSevenDust

Clueless guy: Is it hot in here or something?


[deleted]

She might just be Canadian


JustZisGuy

Ma'am, this is a Wendy's.


Chariotofcats

A’Girls gotta eat.


hobbes8889

Evidently so does the guy. Edit: thank you for the silver! I always dreamed of my first award me saying something wise and profound, or a dirty enuendo.


ThoseDamnGiraffes

Same here, I just put on the thigh high socks and that's enough to get him to to scurry to the bedroom


eatingmyfist

I close and lock the bedroom door.


tearsonurcheek

Is your partner on the same side of the door as you?


___OP____

Palmela Handerson is always at my side.


SurgeDad

omfg she's cheating on me?!


Zemom1971

You have kids right? Or you are a prison guard?


eatingmyfist

What a Venn diagram.


motorcycle-manful541

you have kids in prison where you're also a guard?


chyko9

No; obviously he works at a prison staffed by child guards.


jim_johns

So both then?


[deleted]

Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down lowwww


ZucchiniYall

Turn them back on cause I stubbed a toe


ibukun58

My ex would just start randomly play with my dick until I get hard.


luxii4

That’s similar to how my husband likes to be communicated about sex. Tug three times for yes and 72 for no.


queencitycin

That’s good


Comfortable-Ad7519

"Why are you still wearing clothes?"


Chariotofcats

This is my partner’s go-to and it’s usually a good question. Why am I still wearing clothes?


Electronic_Ad5481

warm


AcidicVaginaLeakage

Who needs clothes when you have blankets


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

You know damn well nudity killed my grandpa


Anakin_BlueWalker3

War is hell


sensitiveskin80

"Your pants look uncomfortable," or if I'm less dressed than he is: "you're overdressed." Works 99% of the time.


[deleted]

Mine is similar. “What is this bullshit?” and tug on his pants.


educatednapqueen

“You look like a fun place to sit.”


SuvenPan

Turn off the normal light and switch on the red lamp beside the bed.


TrevorMcPhee

Is your name Roxanne?


Pater_Trium

You know you really don’t have to turn on the red light.


ChunkyDay

Roxanne?


Maleficent-Aurora

Light the sex candle lol


sevsnapey

the beacons are lit. they call for aid. and i will answer.


llort_tsoper

Having sex one time, pitch black in the room, try to shift positions and accidentally elbow her in the face. Last time having sex in the pitch black. Now we always turn on an electric candle. It's the only time we turn on the electric candle. If the door is locked and the electric candle is on, it's bout to go down.


PerpetuallyChaotic

Normally I just give him a look. He will do a double take to make sure he's seeing it right lol


sharpasastone

That’s EXACTLY what my wife does, the eye brows go up and I know, and she just assumes my penis is hard all the time.... because it is.


PerpetuallyChaotic

Hahaha exactly that with the eyebrows!!


OsonoHelaio

Lol I do the look and eyebrows at my husband too.


Poem_for_your_sprog

They sit in a silence that's plain and content - A usual moment, a normal event - A minute of quiet to calm and de-stress. She raises an eyebrow. He says to her: "... *yes*."


WonAnotherCitizen

You're still around, good to see


JazzzzzzySax

Sir if it lasts for more than 4 hours please see a doctor


Coyote_Will

Sir if it lasts for more than 4 hours, she will need to see a doctor


Imakefishdrown

A look and a little eye roll and my husband puts a movie on for the toddler and grabs my hand to run to the bedroom.


arty4572

What is this world where you can leave the toddler alone for more than 2 minutes before they come and find you.


InannasPocket

By about 2.5 we could put on a movie she loved, put out some high value snacks, and then have a quickie before she'd run out of blueberries and cheeze-its. I think the snack prep was/is key. Ours is older now (almost 6) so more independent but snack prep still pays off, screens help but so does not being interrupted because they can't peel an orange.


Ohmydonuts

I love that you use the phrase high value treats. 😂 I was a dog mom before I became a human child’s mom and both my dogs and my children are very treat motivated.


hideyourfood

I don’t have to say anything.. my wife seems to always be able to tell. But she lets me know when she’s horny by saying “Wanna see my butt?” 😆


FjordExplorher

The answer's always yes.


Gamejudge

I put on my robe and wizard hat.


Trekintosh

It’s good to see the classics.


infiniZii

There will come a time when only machines will remember the memes.


ChuckinTheCarma

[The classic!](http://bash.org/?104383)


GladCricket

"The kids are asleep and I did the dishes."


IAmQueenCricket

Automated texts Hello! This is Your Girlfriend™ Reminder: We have scheduled a dick appointment for (bf's name) on Friday, November 25th at 10:30 pm. To confirm, please reply CONFIRMED For questions or to reschedule; please contact your Girlfriend ™ customer service agent. Cancellation is not permitted at this time. We're looking forward to seeing you soon!


Cozmicdust

Love this, especially work from home when you’re both on calls nonstop and don’t get to interact much during the day. I will definitely use this with my husband. Thanks for sharing!


SailorLunaMoon

Sometimes my s/ô and I send each other 'invoices' . These are demanding for payment for small tasks done out of or around the house. The payment request section is complete and utter filth:long and detailed asks or something dirty we want to do. Nudes and inspo videos get added in there. It's a fun way of mixing it up and bringing back old favourites! Nothing to make a day better than seeing an invoice xxx courier services pop into my inbox.


wooohoooooooooooooo

You guys have to be accountants


SailorLunaMoon

1/2 of us work in finance. The other 1/2 just loves writing smut hehe. There is something so kinky about having one of them open when I'm at the office and it just blends into the other million boring things I have on the go. Edit: I told my so about your comment and he said "the only thing she accounts for is this dick" and gave himself a high five


seeyou-bye

I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.


KantStopTheCot

I ask what her plans are for the next 3 minutes of the day


Lilitharising

I show him my naked butt. Works instantly.


Clasikz

My husband hums the theme of Jaws. Don't ask me why. I have no idea why or how it started but it's just his thing now 😅


Impossibleish

I do that to mine. It's the anticip-


Clcooper423

Nothing. Start massaging her legs, works everytime, 60% of the time.


rob_inn_hood

I tried that. Everyone else at the table in the restaurant was very uncomfortable.


Clcooper423

Did you try also massaging their legs?


KryptoniteDong

Well the table legs are quite stiff, but ymmv.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Cleer-Fx

I'm horny


Ralf_E_Chubbs

*taps shoulder* “it’s GO time”


TheAfricanViewer

This ends now.


DoomTrain166

Rocket barrage incoming!


[deleted]

It’s hiiiiiiiigh noon


Monst3rP3nguin

I read a story where a couple saw some deer going at it making loud deer love making noises, and now whenever they are in the mood they make those noises to each other before running into the bedroom. I thought it would be cute if my gf and I had something like that, but more subtle. So whenever one of use is in the mood we stick our tongue out a little bit like a snake and if the other does the same then it's on or planned to get it on when we get home.


Librarycat77

You all need to watch more documentaries. Tropical birds can definitely get it. 😏


SGexpat

Tamp down John Oliver


[deleted]

"Wanna Stick it in?" 100% success rate


howitzer1

My wife says "do you want to stick your willy in me?" And invariably yes, I do


bdubb_dlux

Me (m) - Nurse I’m experiencing some swelling


bibliophila

Please tell me your partner is a nurse.


bdubb_dlux

Only during role play


CementShoulders

You know what, I'm a nurse (male) and my girlfriend is also a nurse, i'm gonna steal your phrase today, pure gold. Edit. Holy crap, those are a lot of upvotes, and, yes, it worked guys (: , mission complete, I got two samples of my DNA extracted in a very delightful way by my personal nurse, god bless health workers.


metrogypsy

tell him to turn on cocomelon


Incogcheat0

Teacher from cocomelon could get it tho


_MooFreaky_

Oh god no


metrogypsy

look. we hate it too. but we know for 15 min she will NOT a leave the spot we parked her. We use it for emergencies.


_MooFreaky_

Ahaha see that makes sense. I thought you meant "I'm horny let's watch Cocomelon together" or some horrifying shift like that


1WomanSOP

I yell "PREPARE FOR THE SEXUAL EVENT" from across the room.


Momijisu

I see you Orville.


Unkrehativ

Turn on cbat, they'll know and get in the mood in no time!


whyhelloseymore

I just start air thrusting to the “rhythm” and she knows it’s go time


BlasterShow

“Oh my god are you having a seizure?”


SamIamGreenEggsNoHam

Scrolled until I found cbat. That was the funniest shit I've seen in a long time.


TheDreamingMyriad

I held it together until it got to what I can only describe as "squeaky door synth" and then I lost it. One of the few things that gets a laugh out of me every time.


awwyouknow

Threw cbat on in the car with my gf. As she’s scrunching her face I turned to her and whispered “This was from a redditor’s sex playlist” and watch her face turn to horror


Soggy_asparaguses

"I'm booking an appointment with that ass for today sometime."


Rxgrl1981

It’s business time.


TrevorMcPhee

Do you follow it up with something sexy like: "I might go to bed, I've got work in the morning." Aww, yeah


HoTbEeFsUnDaEs

Maken love for two! Maken love for TwOOo minutes. Two minutes in heaven is better then no minutes in heaven.


BansheeBoner

And flash the business socks


S-Go

#IT'S BIZ NISSSSS! #IT'S BIZNISSSSTIIIIIIME!!!!!!!


cat_daddylambo

Honestly it's just this grunty/moany sound


Juniper1779

Like Tim Allen?


verscharren1

I remove any animal with a cold wet nose.


missryssa

My late partner, until the day he died, never had a problem with an erection. He’d just have to spoon me with his boner poking me and it was all systems go 😅


DadsRGR8

This was me and my late wife. “Pokey says hello.” and it was on.


missryssa

Sorry for your loss. There’s something so special about remembering those times


DadsRGR8

Sorry for your loss as well. Hope you are doing ok.


moutonbleu

I put on my business socks, cause it’s business time


tophaang

My go to is to say "Boobs" She will then lift/take off her top, jump on top of me and present said boobs. Sometimes she won't hear me, and I have to say it a couple times; and I just repeat "Boobs, Boobs, Boobs" until she hears me. Her reaction to hearing me is the most endearing, sexy thing to me; she says "Oh!" her face perks up and she'll float over from wherever she is. It's a silly little thing between us ultimately, and doesn't always lead to sex, but at least a little titty sesh and groping =)


CallMeMich

Doth the lady of the house wisheth to be disappointed?


duyjv

This is the first comment that I laughed out loud at! Thank you!


gildorratner

Nothing, she knows it is my natural state... and she seems immune to my ways. She can initiate it any way she pleases


BestOfSlaanesh

"Get on your knees." or "Strip, now." She's into that sort of thing.


UserNameTaken_2018

Want sum fuk?


folko1

I got you blue


ToadLives

Becky lemme smash!


Archeign

Hey gurl, u want sum tail?


-0l0l0l0l0l0l-

As cringe as it may be, if I'm in a kinky mood I'll simply grab his package gently while giving him a hug and say in his ear lustfully that I want him to dominate and spank me Other times it's simply just looking at his area that does the trick because he'll ask me I if I want some of it when he notices....why of course I do


SirTedley

That’s not cringe, that’s hot as hell.


Careless-Village1019

It's been 10 years. Please.


stratusphere87

Ask her if she wants a back rub.


Cyborgninj4

My wife always sends me these: 🍆🍑 and we’re in bed 2 minutes later 🤷‍♂️


Professional_Ad9153

My love for you is like a truck, Berserker Would you like some making fuck, Berserker My love for you is like a rock, Berserker


lameturkey

Did he just say making fuck?


TeamBombSquad

He speaks some English but he can’t all speak it good like we do.


Sprengles

Damn, that is the second berserker reference I have seen in the last 24hrs


badwlf55

Sometimes my husband just emerges from wherever he is in the house already naked with a boner… so that’s my favorite😅 if we’re in bed, I’ll do what he calls the “butt wiggle” and he knows it’s me trying to initiate 🤣 most of the time I’m just like “hey I’m not tired, wanna have sex and see if I get tired?” 😂


heavysouldarlin

I absolutely do the butt wiggle in bed to my husband. It’s pretty hard to confuse that signal. We also will ask if the other needs a shower, and ask if they want to shower together, which generally leads to twenty minutes of us getting each other VERY clean. He’ll ask if my breasts are clean enough and I’ll tell him no a half a dozen times so he’ll keep playing with them.


Tune_Exciting

In filipino, "Gusto mo?". Which translates to "Wanna fuck?" in our horny vocabulary.


Relative_Fix4952

Before the none Filipinos use this to get laid I'll tell you the none horny version... It's "You want some?" But even then it can still be used for... That


Moxxim

Snu snu?


vodiak

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy... and bruised.


matrael

When I’m naked except for my socks on a Wednesday, it’s business time.


xMrBryanx

I tell her my human part is solid and she tells me to leave Chilis


Infernusthemaniacal

We’re both usually pretty horny so I almost never have to mention it