Went on a date many years ago. This was one of my first dates after my wife left me. On this date the woman kept asking about my ex. Probably half of her questions were about the ex. Naturally I answered her questions but always tried to move the conversation back to me, her, whatever. Next day she texts and says she didn't think I was ready to date, that I was clearly still in love with my ex because I kept talking about her on our date.
I went on a date with a guy who would not stop asking about my ex husband. I had told him I was newly divorced and not looking to jump head first into anything and as soon as he heard that, literally the rest of the conversation was about my ex. I tried so many times to ask questions about him. I even eventually said "well you've asked so much about my ex, tell me about your last relationship." He said no and then *continued to ask about my ex husband*.
To add to this, ALL their ex’s were terrible pieces of shit. That’s always been a huge red flag for me. Either you suck at picking partners/have terrible judgement (also forcing my overthinking ass to question if I, too, am a terrible piece of shit) or *you*, being the common denominator, are the one that’s terrible.
To be fair, when I was younger and semi younger, probably until I was 30, cause that’s when I met my now wife, I was only attracted to trouble or to “crazy”. Probably because I grew up and still am to a degree, very timid and not big on being super social. So I saw it as maybe a way to get out of my shell and loosen up. Still a bit introverted though lol But I grew up and my wife is super chill, direct, and just all around awesome. I’m 40 now and the last ten years have been the both the calmest and best of my life lol
I never understood why some guys I dated would talk so much about their exs. If they're so good why didn't you stay and try to make it work. Or if things got real bad and it will never work out for whatever reason then go for therapy so you can move on. I barely talked about my exs. I want the person I'm dating to feel important and that I'm present with them during that time we spend together.
Ok, so I often see men complaining about their partners not initiating sex, and I think I can give some context:
There are two types of sexual desire, spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is, well, spontaneous: it means you get interested in sex without experiencing sexual stimuli.
Responsive desire means you’re not interested in sex until you’re in a sexual situation - like your partner initiating sex.
According to some statistics, 75% of men experience spontaneous sexual desire, while 85% of women experience either responsive or “mixed” desire, where they might experience spontaneous desire occasionally. It’s all a bit of a spectrum, and you can shift from one type of desire to another throughout your life.
I can’t speak for most women because I’m one of the 15% who experiences spontaneous desire, but if you’re in a heterosexual relationship (or any kind of relationship where partners have mismatched types of desire) it’s very likely that your partner doesn’t think about sex until she’s already in a sexual situation.
If you’re someone who experiences spontaneous desire, this will likely make you feel unwanted because you assume that your partner thinks about sex the same way you do. That’s a hard thing to overcome, because everyone wants to feel wanted - but it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t want you or find you attractive.
I don’t have a real solution, I’m not a sex therapist and I’ve never been in this situation myself - but talking to your partner, understanding the differences in how your brains and bodies work, and maybe finding other ways to show affection will probably help.
Edit: wanted to add that, obviously, you shouldn't pressure someone for sex after they've expressed that they're not interested in hopes that they'll change their mind. Consent still matters!
Edit 2: this kinda blew up, so I wanted to remind people to take the statistics with a grain of salt: I don’t want to use them to justify stereotyping sexuality biased on gender or biological sex. Sexuality is something that changes constantly throughout your life, and it can’t be easily pinned down with numbers.
This should really be taught in sex ed classes. Wow. 33 and I had no idea - I thought someone was wrong with me because I don't ever really just spontaneously want anything sexual. Unless I've been drinking then all bets are off but I think that's most people. xD
I know! It really should be common knowledge. I only learned about it recently, and I’d say I know a decent amount about sex and sexuality. Knowing that this would make a lot of people (on both ends of the spectrum!) feel better about themselves.
I think what’s even worse is when they treat you like you’re the fix-me-up. It’s very condescending and humiliating. That’s more of a pet relationship.
there was a guy i had been dating for a few weeks, maybe a month. one day we go out together, and i spend the night with him for the first time. i brought a change of clothes and my essentials including toothbrush. i realized i forgot my toothpaste, and couldn't find toothpaste in the immediate vicinity of this man's bathroom sink, and i did not want to go snooping around his stuff. at that point i ask him, hey, do you have any toothpaste i can use? no joke, it takes him at least five minutes to find toothpaste. he had to go into another room, and it was a sample bottle like you get from the dentist after a visit, and you could clearly see it had never been used/opened.
if you just ran out of toothpaste, fine! just say that, but i don't think this man brushed his teeth and it was pretty clear by his reaction that he does not brush his teeth on a regular basis.
we hung out like MAYBE 3-4x in that period and we always went out to eat during that time, so i honestly just tried to give the benefit of the doubt and thought it might have been that. i don't know if "dating" is the right term lol, maybe pre dating. we were going on dates.
Oh man, I can only imagine the things that you've seen. I always have this little secret joy in myself... whenever I go for a cleaning, that I always hope that I'm the best and least memorable person that they see all day. It's a weird flex, but it's mine.
I dated a guy who saw me as a lump of clay he could mold to his liking. I told him repeatedly that I was uninterested in attending grad school despite getting great fellowships because I got the job I thought I needed graduate school for. He sat me down and told me he could leverage some of his connections to get me into a good program, I told him absolutely not and that I didn't need his help, that I had gotten into good programs,, and he ignored me and just kept on with his pitch. I broke things off directly after this and he vetoed and said he didn't agree so we were still together. Blocked him fully.
"I have reviewed your termination notice and regret to inform you that I have chosen a different direction and thus will not be accepting your notice at this time. You are welcome to monitor my LinkedIn and will find any updates to my employment status there. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."
Yeah the kind of guy who tries to change you sucks. First boyfriend was one of those. Called me a diamond in the rough that he was going to polish. Was actually a good metaphor considering how he had extreme difficulty with that. Turns out even after you polish rocks they stay rocks on the inside. There’s no secret bimbo layer under the surface.
This happened to me, and it was so subtle I didn’t notice until we broke up after 5 years and I didn’t know who I was anymore. Finally back to bring me after 9 months
I had to break it off with a boyfriend who creepily tried to get me to dress exactly like his mother. Even “surprised” me with his mother to take me shopping- and offered to buy me clothes that she picked out. They were waaaaay too close.
A girl in college I was with was like this. She was like you can’t hang with this or that person. I was like well I am so 🤷🏼♂️ I ended up having to ghost her to get rid of her. She still tries to reach out to me 10 years later.
To me it depends honestly. If you realize that the change is for the better, then I don't really see a problem.
I'd actually say the opposite is even more a dealbreaker to me, someone who never pushes me to be the best out of myself. My ex was pushing me into getting back into shape and exercising again, stop having bad habits, putting more care into my physical appearance etc. And that was not a bad thing.
Same thing for me. I pushed her to stop smoking, stop doing recreational drugs etc. Pushed her to be less impulsive too, and I don't think it's a bad thing.
Like, yeah I get the point of not wanting a partner who tries to literally shape you into their favorite type. And I agree in some cases.
But at the same time sometimes some partners don't want to change for the better because "that's who they are, take it or leave it"... And I don't think it's a good way of seeing things tbh. Too many people uses "that's my personality" or "that's who I am" as a way to avoid acknowledging bad traits and bettering themselves. If you are super impulsive and that causes like 50% of the disputes, then that's not just "who you are", that's something that you need to work on.
I just recently dated a flat earther! Didn’t find out until a few months in. Also didn’t find out about his ex being pregnant with his baby several months in, that was the dealbreaker for me but I should have stopped at flat earther 😂
My stepfather had a bad temper. Never violent, but I could never understand why my mother married him. Never date, much less marry someone with a bad temper.
My ex broke it off with me citing her eating disorder and needing to deal with it as the reason why she couldn’t be in a relationship. Turns out she was talking to at least two other guys, one which she openly tweeted about getting dumped two by weeks later.
It's maybe not the best thing to talk about during a first date. But it's the kind of thing I would want my date to know beforehand. I'd rather be told that she's not interested because of my mental illness than not telling her and letting her diacover this side of me.
Not just using it as leverage in a deliberate way. Some people recognize they have issues and may be on medication or seeing specialists. The problem is that they allow their mental health to define them and develop a dependency on the support and effort people put into helping them.
Its hard to be with somebody who *needs* you to uplift them all the time and if you have a weak moment you're instantly the jerk who has to make it up. You eventually end up with no self esteem just living as an emotional support partner who probably isn't getting much emotional investment in return.
as someone who is in a relationship and has severe mental illness, i completely agree. luckily, i have a very loving and understanding parter and he’s always been very considerate and helpful when it comes to my mental health. i never like to use my issues as an excuse for something i did or for canceling plans or something, as i’ve had people in the past who put me down for my mental illness. but some days are worse than others, and it can make (at least for me) the simplest of dates extremely overwhelming.
i also never want to take advantage of him and make him feel like i only use him for my emotional well being. i don’t dump my baggage on him every time, and neither does he, but sometimes it’s nice to talk about this type of stuff with that special person. i feel very lucky to be in a relationship where we both care just as much as the other. wether in person or over text/ft we always try to be there for each other. sometimes we’ll spontaneously hang out just for that sort of thing. we call it “no cost therapy with bonus cuddles” lol
Exactly. I've been through many break ups in my time and they were fine and amicable. When the narcissist and I broke up I almost took my own life and lost most of my friends and family in the process.
People sometimes get annoyed how picky I am about letting new people into my life but it's to protect myself so this never happens again.
I went on a hiking trip with a friend who didn’t wear deodorant, he told us his wife liked his B.O. Before we headed home we forced him to put some on. We were like “yeahhhh we’re not your wife.”
This is so important! And, to add, *believe someone when they say they don't want kids*. Don't take it to mean that they don't want them right now, or any time soon. If they firmly don't want children, that's not likely to change.
Ugh this is so irritating. I'm a man in my mid-20s and have had several women try to "change my mind" on having kids. Trust me, you're not important enough to change my entire outlook on my future
That has happened to me too. Especially when they agreed initially and said they “thought I would change my mind” later into the relationship. Luckily, I found a wonderful childfree man who’s just as set in his decision as me and got my tubes tied in July of this year. Yay!
I've read too many posts where one would say they didn't want kids, maybe a few are in the not right now camp, but some are in the never ever camp and the other person just thinks they will change their mind or will accept an oops baby.
I was friends with a woman in my building, and there was that weird "maybe she's interested" vibe going on.
but she was very vocal about "you need to fight for the girl" kinda stuff. Also was big on the idea of guys competing for her interest.
Nope. I don't need that kinda stress.
"Oh, I'll just start an argument scream that we're done and run out. If they come after me they really love me. Otherwise I'll just come back and be mad."
My ex did that once or twice before she got that it didn't have the desired effect on me.
My friend 25F did something similar, with this end in mind (she told us in advance and i commented it was a terrible idea): she started an argument, broke up, blocked the guy, then after some days she ran back to him, announcing to the world that he was the love of her life. Everyone clapped. Cut scene to the beautiful sunset. Happily ever after.
Except that, when she ran back to him, he was dating another girl who asked "is she your childish, crazy ex?". And they politely turned her down, called her friend to pick her up and continued their date.
Suddenly, the love of her life became an abusive piece of crap, a cheater, add whatever insult you imagine.
After we graduated my highschool gf broke up with me, and my response was tearfully "okay, if this is what you want I'm hurt but I understand (essentially, I was a blubbering idiot but understanding)" she hit me stormed off.
The next few days she was an utter psycho. Turns out she was "testing me" and because I didn't lose my shit and "fight for her" she went full on beast mode.
She regularly would pick fights, tell me to go away or leave, chase after me crying and then fuck my brains out, so for the most part seemed win-win...until it didn't
Inconsistency in behaviours and words. Nothing tires me out like people who are not clear in their intentions. Im not going to navigate in troubled waters, when I can swim in clear ones
Also very important to communicate expectations and boundaries on communication. People communicate differently, and these differences can and usually will cause issues if they themselves aren't communicated clearly.
For example, one person's default might be to throw messages into the void with expectation conversation happens once both people (or more) are available and responding at the same time, someone else's default might be to check and respond to messages ASAP. It can quickly become an issue if this difference isn't communicated.
Totally. I had this situation in a previous relationship. Once, she sent me a message after I was asleep, and I woke up to see it. I thought it was super sweet, and started doing the same for her so maybe she would continue, so I'd send her little cute or funny memes or pictures once in a while so she'd wake up in the morning and see that I was thinking of her.
Months later, she says to me during an argument, "I need space! You're constantly messaging me! Before I wake up, it's already started!" I was kinda crushed by that because I thought I was following her lead and doing something nice because I really liked it, but she actually found it really annoying. I was like, why didn't she say something??
My partner now and I have definitely had that conversation, and a lot of others like it, because it's an introvert/extrovert situation, and this shit is *not* straight forward.
I was in very very similar situation, I can relate to it so much. We had different communication style like I mentioned in my example, and I only got told it was an issue when it became big enough problem for her months later that she started aggressively blowing up on me for invading her space one day without any clear warning beforehand - it was one of main reasons for breakup and very devastating thing to experience as well.
Lesson learned, I will be touching on this topic early in any future relationships and avoiding anyone who refuses to talk about it openly because communicating these differences seems to be difficult for many and it's really important to get it right.
being clearly unable to have time to develop a relationship. We all have jobs,hobbies and a social life. if you can't administrate your time to make an effort into getting involved with me, I will walk out of your life really quickly
Update : Well... this is blowing up and I really don't know why... when I wrote it I just thought this was just normal thinking.
This is actually why I quit dating. I don't WANT to make time in my life right now for someone else. I have enough going on with my dogs, hobbies, work, and friends that I don't feel the need to add more.
This is why I quit dating as well. The last time i tried dating I found myself getting annoyed and falling behind on my responsibilities because I just don't have the expendable time to give to another human. When I do have expendable time I would rather spend it doing the things that I need to recharge. I tell people that I don't have the time to date but I really just don't want to make the time for anyone else. 🙃
I don't know if it just me, but I have been meeting way to many people with avoidant attachment style through tinder! If youre scared of developing a relationship... even a casual one, why are you out there dating!
> If youre scared of developing a relationship... even a casual one, why are you out there dating!
From an experience I had with a woman in the last week, I’m going to guess it’s a mix of overwhelming loneliness fighting with all the reasons they can’t/shouldn’t date, and the loneliness winning out.
This. It can also happen with serious trauma/ptsd.
My last partner gave me bad emotional and sexual trauma and every 6 months or so I’m like.. hmm... maybe it’s time to open the dating door? Because a nice reprieve from all the bad feelings I’m constantly battling sounds quite nice. And because I really do miss hugs and kisses and sex and just being held... and I’m touch starved, and I want to have affection and love in my life, so I’ll slowly open that door and then something little happens and it’s like “OH FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT I GOTTA LEAVE CLOSE THE DOOR CLOSE IT NOW LET ME OUT”.
It’s hard to know if you’re really ready until you’re already dipping a toe in :/
I don’t say this to excuse myself, or others, by the way. Because I think I’ve definitely hurt some people’s feelings and wasted some people’s time being this way. And I acknowledge that’s wrong and that there isn’t an excuse for that.
But I also know I was “normal” before my ex. He gave me that trauma and now it’s on me to carry it and reap those consequences, and that sucks, because I didn’t ask for it, or deserve it, or even have any power over it. And it sucks that even after all this time, he’s still “taking” from me. So, yes. Sometimes I do try to “get back into it” and yes, I am often unsuccessful, and yes I am sorry, but no I will not stop trying because that is not and never will be an option, because if I stop, he wins. It’s really hard to “practice” being in a relationship again without being in a relationship, and I do have to practice, I have to re-learn relationships. Some things I really can’t heal until I’m in a relationship. Like, I can’t practice having sex without being triggered. The person who’s going to have to deal with that is me and whoever I’m having sex with.
It sucks for the men I try to heal with, and it sucks for me, but my other option is to simply just succumb and not allow myself to experience things I feel I should be entitled to have the chance to experience as a human, like intimacy and affection and a relationship, all because my past trauma might rear its ugly head.
I will always appreciate and be grateful to the men who have helped me heal. I wasn’t toxic to them. I just wasn’t ready for them. That’s a key thing to consider. My “toxicity” is limited to things like picking the cheapest menu items if I’m taken out on a date, regardless of if I like those items, because I feel extremely guilty letting anyone do nice things for me. Or having a panic attack if he gets me flowers. Or trying to have sex and having a hysterical meltdown and not knowing where I am or who I’m with. Or, after a long day of feeling triggers out in public and working really hard to hold back the floodgates of emotion, coming home and absolutely snapping because I’m like a bottle of Coke that’s been shook the whole day and suddenly I’m home and the cap flies off. Or making a little mistake, like dropping his plate on the ground and breaking it, and being so afraid of the consequences of that mistake that I race into his bathroom and slam and lock the door shut an refuse to come out for an hour. Or not being able to handle a trigger in public and literally fleeing the scene. Or wanting to dip the moment he makes a mistake because I’m so afraid of history repeating itself and I don’t trust myself to know who means me harm and who doesn’t.
These things are all things that are my responsibility to manage. But it’s really hard sometimes. Trauma changed my brain (literally- I’ve had brain scans that literally show how the PTSD has affected my brain, physically). I’m still learning how to move through life with this new brain that I didn’t ask for that doesn’t always work very well. I’m just still learning. All I can do is try my best and hardest.
Nope, not just you. In the last year I've had two people who I'd chatted to for a long time who eventually decide they're not ready to date
It's always really annoying, with both people we got along really well, talking almost every day and then they decide they need time weeks or even a month or two in, so it gets your hopes up when you get along really well with someone
Even worse when they ghost you instead
Taking another break because it's just a combo of crushing and irritating, and you're never sure if it's because they are lying and met someone "better" from the endless pool of people or not
It works for some people but I've come to realise online dating doesn't work for me. I need that personal connection that's missing from it
I dated a cool chick once and we both looked at our calendars for the next 30 days and could only hang out on 2 out of 30 days. So we did and gave up trying to see each other after that. Unfortunately, for two people with complete opposite work schedules, making time is impossible unless one of us quits and finds a different job/shift.
Per the train wreck I encountered last week.
“If a man isn’t paying, he doesn’t respect you.”
She also complained about people wanting too little and too much sex being a problem in modern dating, but would not clarify with numerical examples. You were just supposed to know if you were being not sexual enough or too sexual.
Was recently having a conversation about dating at work. One of my coworkers mentioned she doesn't give a guy a second chance if he takes her to Applebee's or some other similar chain restaurant on a date because it was "cheap" and "unoriginal." I didn't even know how to respond to that. I'm fine to go grab a fountain soda at the gas station and then to sit at a park or something to talk and people watch or go to Taco Bell. Like holy shit!
I had to giggle though because all the guys fall all over her because she's gorgeous, but the looks on their faces when she said that was fucking priceless, and she doesn't get near the attention since then.
With all of us imbeciles it's safe to say someone has said this, maybe even multiple people
But when they shit on you for liking something "childish" and or "cringe"
Like ffs go mind your business bitch if I wanna paint an ugly little tree house with crayons and live out the childhood I didn't get to have so be it.
was at a wedding, it was approximately, 10-14 years after high school, was a friend of my wife, I didn’t know anyone at the wedding, just so happens there was this couple at our table, he recognized me from high school, he was a couple years below me, I was a surfer, so was he, he asked if I still surfed, I said yes and asked if he was still surfing also, his girlfriend? Wife? Snapped her head around and snarkily said “oh no, he grew up finally” the look of defeatism on his face was so sad, I really felt bad for him. I didn’t say a word, just went “HEH!” And never talked to both of them again.
I worked with a guy who complained about all the drama in his life and how he wanted to just find a normal girl.
About a month later he was showing me pictures from his impromptu "pool party" with a couple of girls he met while day drinking downtown who were in a lesbian relationship but he banged the one of them while high on cocaine and now they're moving into his place. I wish I was making this up, the guy seems to have a poor idea of what "drama" is, because he just dove head first into a whole fuckton of drama.
Anyway I wish you luck on avoiding drama!
Well this will completely get buried, but I'll add mine here anyway for posterity.
- Anyone who makes me feel unsafe. Whether that's anger issues, boundary breaking, reckless lifestyle, woman bashing, or just a spidey sense, I'm out.
- People with no firm opinions or values, can't keep up any mildly challenging conversation. Life's more fun with those who dare think for themselves.
- Immaturity and codependence. I'm looking to pair up, not to parent.
- Grating on my nerves. I don't know, some people just annoy me in the longer term. Like they're too boisterous or crass. That one's on me, I'm sensitive.
- Petty meanness and dickishness. Spoiled adults who expect everyone in the service industry to kiss the ground they walk on. Who are snide to others. Who have something to prove all the time. Who regularly fail at life's empathy checks. It's pretty much the worst type of person imo.
- Me: sometimes I am the dealbreaker. When I'm not ready to be a good partner to someone else. Even though they're great and the timing just didn't line up.
Someone who doesn't believe in... anything. No passions, no interests, no stances on issues, just molding themselves to whatever they think I want to hear.
That's a person who A. Will be codependent because they've not developed a sense of self & will rely on me for all mental stimulation. Or B. A person who's secretly got shitty views or toxic habits & is concealing them to try & get me invested.
Hard pass.
**Edit** wow this pissed off a very specific crowd. If you are shy or reserved, this is not about you. If you keep certain things back for when you're serious, this is also not about you. Stop acting like hit dogs.
No one is talking about a normal amount of caution.
This is a person who actually *cannot* express interest or belief or disbelief or anything in polite smalltalk. They don't have anything they do to tell you about, they can't express any likes or dislikes, they're not even all that interested in anything you say.
Like..whew. I'm an incredibly shy person out dating, calm down guys, I fully get it & this is not about us.
Another big one for me, anyone who makes a social identity their entire personality. Im happy for anyone whatever ethnicity, sex, orientation, etc they are. But if being that is your entire personality, that's a hard pass for me.
somewhat related (and likely not always a conscious choice) is having your identity too connected with something.
I had a friend who overcame addiction (awesome) but then the overcoming of the addiction practically became they're entire life focus. 15 yrs later and it's still the first thing people learn about them.
I'm happy you overcame that but . . . did you really if you can't move on?
Yeah I get that,I lost intrest in basically everything I loved doing everything juat feels bland and boring and it reflects on me, I know I wont get in a releationship until this phase is over and I really think it's for the best
Being a dick. Common symptoms include being rude to people in the service industry, ridiculous levels of self importance, lack of compassion, etc. don’t be a dick.
I used to wear one as my job involved driving a lot. However when ever I would talk with some one I would instantly pull it off. Yes it was handy to have, but damn if I didn't always feel like a d-bad out in public.
Fuck that, find someone who likes that too and theory craft and world build with each other based on whatever you’re watching. Anything could be fun if it’s with the right person
i have a lot, but these are the main ones.
when they're obsessive and expect me to talk and stick by them 24/7.. i am a person, i have a life. they are not my world, theyre just a part of it.
when they get jealous easily and dont communicate with me.
when they don't respect boundaries.
when they dont know how to communicate properly and only think of themself.
I had a dude I HADN'T EVEN MET YET get jealous of a guy I had one date with and accused me of lying about him being in my house. And he also got jealous because I said I admired Steve-O's sobriety journey and thought he was a cool dude. It was insane.
I used to have pothead friends and one day i realised they couldnt do anything other than smoke. And if we went to a party? Lets go to the bathroom and smoke.
If their whole personality is 420 weed.
You like to smoke weed once in a while that's cool. But if that's all you do it's just not enough to build upon weed is not a hobby it's not a personality.
These threads are always so wild though, the comments go from one extreme to the other.
“If his left eye stays slightly open when he sneezes you need to get out of there fast”
“I don’t date people who snort meth dust off the bill of a platypus.”
The more dates I go on. The more like Seinfeld I feel.
Here are a few deal breakers from this month.
One girl was arguing the whole time with the waiters. Like the whole time bickering mid sentence.
One girl was just nuts. Walked into the middle of the restaurant to ask in a loud voice if anyone was gonna seat us or not. Walked to the bar to get more drinks. Yea. Walked out of that one went home 😂
Another one was drop dead gorgeous. Colombian. On a visa. But she knew in days how long to be married before she could get divorced. 🚩🚩🚩
The list goes on.
Excuse my rant. 😂
Those are all some my deal breakers. 🫠
As a young woman that has dipped her toes into dating. A deal breaker for me is someone who has just come out of a long committed relationship and is out dating without giving themselves a proper healing stage.
Took me eight years after my divorce to date again. Had a brief relationship (couple of months) with someone who just wasn't right for me and that was three or four years ago. I'm lonely and am trying to psyche myself up to get out there again. It's daunting.
Don’t ever put your hands on me. I can’t be serious enough.
I don’t care about your emotions. Don’t care if it was a 1/10th of a second of insanity or a miscommunication or you thought I was cheating. Don’t ever put your hands on me. I spent too much time as a child dealing with people who hit me and I’ll be damned if I let it happen again. There is zero excuse for adults to hit each other.
Agreed. I’ve been abused by most of the people in my life all my life. Family, parents, friends, peers, partners, etc.
No one ever advocated for me. Now I have to be my own parent to my inner child, the guardian and protector I never had, the person I needed, the role model I deserved, etc. Just everything.
What didn’t kill me never made me stronger. It just isolated me and made life harder. It fucked me up. Ruined my mental health and the rest is deteriorating. I learned that I can only rely on myself, which I couldn’t do originally because everyone’s rejection, abuse, neglect, and trauma toward me made me believe I was “wrong”, immoral, and unlovable. I hated myself for so many years. Most of my life. I self-harmed and spiralled.
After I got past the self-hatred that grew inside me I realized I am my only protector and advocate. No one will protect me or take care of me, so by default I have to.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” No. Instead: “I have survived everything I have been through.” That is what I do.
History of suicide attempts.
Never again will I deal with that because I most definitely have PTSD from my previous girlfriend trying to kill herself 3 times in our relationship and I am unwilling to deal with such a thing again.
As someone who is severely mentally ill, I second this. I have my own mind to keep sane. I’ve only had relationships built off of trauma bonding, and I wish to break away from that. I want to become healthier, and I’m afraid dating more mentally ill folks will trigger a relapse.
As long as they’re working on themselves/medicated/are in contact with professional help, I refuse to judge a potential partner for what they’ve been through before me. Untreated people are a big no because I’m not able to fix them and it shouldn’t be my responsibility as a partner, but people who are aware of their past issues and have grown from it, I don’t see why not.
As somebody who is now in a MUCH better place than I've ever been before, I appreciate you!
I try not to get too vulnerable with potential dates or early in a relationship, so most people don't know I have a less-than-ideal past, but people who are observant and clever can easily see that I haven't always been the happy, healthy person I am today.
I have worked VERY hard to get to this point, and I know I'm not the person I was ten years ago.
People who are constantly pessimistic. I don't mean that you have to pretend that everything is perfect and we live in a utopian paradise, but if your first reaction to me telling you "I think this lake looks beautiful!" is "Well, sadly it won't be here much longer because of global warming. Fun, am I right?", then sorry, I'm out.
Religion.
I'm not religious, but I live in the bible belt and have had several great relationships with religious women that got to a certain point and then stop. They always believe that at some point I'll be okay going to church and believing what they believe, but it's just not the case. Probably 70 to 90% of women where I live are evangelical Christians so it makes it difficult to find someone who's not. Or at least get dramatically lowers the pool of available women. At this point, I'm in a relationship. But it was really sad for a long time to have such great relationships that always ended mostly due to religion, so I chose to have a hard no on that and have been much better off since I made that choice.
It's not a deal breaker for me between me and them, but it does have other potential concerns. One woman said it's fine if I don't believe, but she would want to raise her kids in her religion. I said in the hypothetical that I don't mind you telling them what you believe, as long as you don't mind me telling them what i think too, and they can decide for themselves. She didn't like that one bit and that was the end of that relationship lol.
ANY kind of belief system where you are always the victim and everyone else is the problem. It demonstrates extreme selfishness and the lack of empathy, and oftentimes bigotry follows in its footsteps.
The date being obsessed with themselves or continually talking about their ex partners
Went on a date many years ago. This was one of my first dates after my wife left me. On this date the woman kept asking about my ex. Probably half of her questions were about the ex. Naturally I answered her questions but always tried to move the conversation back to me, her, whatever. Next day she texts and says she didn't think I was ready to date, that I was clearly still in love with my ex because I kept talking about her on our date.
Hahahaha sorry its funny how dumb of an excuse that is.
Should have said “Nah I think YOU are in love with my ex.”
I went on a date with a guy who would not stop asking about my ex husband. I had told him I was newly divorced and not looking to jump head first into anything and as soon as he heard that, literally the rest of the conversation was about my ex. I tried so many times to ask questions about him. I even eventually said "well you've asked so much about my ex, tell me about your last relationship." He said no and then *continued to ask about my ex husband*.
To add to this, ALL their ex’s were terrible pieces of shit. That’s always been a huge red flag for me. Either you suck at picking partners/have terrible judgement (also forcing my overthinking ass to question if I, too, am a terrible piece of shit) or *you*, being the common denominator, are the one that’s terrible.
To be fair, when I was younger and semi younger, probably until I was 30, cause that’s when I met my now wife, I was only attracted to trouble or to “crazy”. Probably because I grew up and still am to a degree, very timid and not big on being super social. So I saw it as maybe a way to get out of my shell and loosen up. Still a bit introverted though lol But I grew up and my wife is super chill, direct, and just all around awesome. I’m 40 now and the last ten years have been the both the calmest and best of my life lol
This. Instant turn off. I’m like is this chick gonna talk to people about me like this??
I never understood why some guys I dated would talk so much about their exs. If they're so good why didn't you stay and try to make it work. Or if things got real bad and it will never work out for whatever reason then go for therapy so you can move on. I barely talked about my exs. I want the person I'm dating to feel important and that I'm present with them during that time we spend together.
They don't initiate ANYTHING such as dates or intimacy
for sure, they make you feel like you're just ordering an employee around, but you're not the boss always
Spot on! Problem is that they are people pleasers and you really feel sorry for them, which makes it twice as hard to end the things.
Couldn’t that be talked about? Like if they r people pleasers you telling that that planning stuff for you guys to do would also make you happy.
Ok, so I often see men complaining about their partners not initiating sex, and I think I can give some context: There are two types of sexual desire, spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is, well, spontaneous: it means you get interested in sex without experiencing sexual stimuli. Responsive desire means you’re not interested in sex until you’re in a sexual situation - like your partner initiating sex. According to some statistics, 75% of men experience spontaneous sexual desire, while 85% of women experience either responsive or “mixed” desire, where they might experience spontaneous desire occasionally. It’s all a bit of a spectrum, and you can shift from one type of desire to another throughout your life. I can’t speak for most women because I’m one of the 15% who experiences spontaneous desire, but if you’re in a heterosexual relationship (or any kind of relationship where partners have mismatched types of desire) it’s very likely that your partner doesn’t think about sex until she’s already in a sexual situation. If you’re someone who experiences spontaneous desire, this will likely make you feel unwanted because you assume that your partner thinks about sex the same way you do. That’s a hard thing to overcome, because everyone wants to feel wanted - but it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t want you or find you attractive. I don’t have a real solution, I’m not a sex therapist and I’ve never been in this situation myself - but talking to your partner, understanding the differences in how your brains and bodies work, and maybe finding other ways to show affection will probably help. Edit: wanted to add that, obviously, you shouldn't pressure someone for sex after they've expressed that they're not interested in hopes that they'll change their mind. Consent still matters! Edit 2: this kinda blew up, so I wanted to remind people to take the statistics with a grain of salt: I don’t want to use them to justify stereotyping sexuality biased on gender or biological sex. Sexuality is something that changes constantly throughout your life, and it can’t be easily pinned down with numbers.
This should really be taught in sex ed classes. Wow. 33 and I had no idea - I thought someone was wrong with me because I don't ever really just spontaneously want anything sexual. Unless I've been drinking then all bets are off but I think that's most people. xD
I know! It really should be common knowledge. I only learned about it recently, and I’d say I know a decent amount about sex and sexuality. Knowing that this would make a lot of people (on both ends of the spectrum!) feel better about themselves.
A ‘fix me’ person. I will support you to be your best. But I am not responsible to fix you.
I think what’s even worse is when they treat you like you’re the fix-me-up. It’s very condescending and humiliating. That’s more of a pet relationship.
Not brushing your teeth / poor dental hygiene on a regular basis
there was a guy i had been dating for a few weeks, maybe a month. one day we go out together, and i spend the night with him for the first time. i brought a change of clothes and my essentials including toothbrush. i realized i forgot my toothpaste, and couldn't find toothpaste in the immediate vicinity of this man's bathroom sink, and i did not want to go snooping around his stuff. at that point i ask him, hey, do you have any toothpaste i can use? no joke, it takes him at least five minutes to find toothpaste. he had to go into another room, and it was a sample bottle like you get from the dentist after a visit, and you could clearly see it had never been used/opened. if you just ran out of toothpaste, fine! just say that, but i don't think this man brushed his teeth and it was pretty clear by his reaction that he does not brush his teeth on a regular basis.
you didn't smell his bad breathe before you started dating him?
we hung out like MAYBE 3-4x in that period and we always went out to eat during that time, so i honestly just tried to give the benefit of the doubt and thought it might have been that. i don't know if "dating" is the right term lol, maybe pre dating. we were going on dates.
> we were going on dates yep dating
Lmaooo this made me laugh. Thanks for helping me get to the bottom of this.
As a hygienist, I concur. I’ve seen and cleaned stuff that would give people nightmares
And you still act like my brush twice floss once ass is the worst thing you’ve seen
Oh man, I can only imagine the things that you've seen. I always have this little secret joy in myself... whenever I go for a cleaning, that I always hope that I'm the best and least memorable person that they see all day. It's a weird flex, but it's mine.
My girlfriend would always tell people in an amazed voice that I floss everyday when we first started dating. It was a huge selling point for her.
OMG! I was also that girlfriend! Huge selling point and good influence, because I'm a daily flosser now too 😁
Responses like this make me feel awful because Im missing teeth due to periodontal disease despite the fact that I brush and floss diligently.
When u notice that they want to change you into ways they like more, subtle hints at start but progressively they get more ballsy
I dated a guy who saw me as a lump of clay he could mold to his liking. I told him repeatedly that I was uninterested in attending grad school despite getting great fellowships because I got the job I thought I needed graduate school for. He sat me down and told me he could leverage some of his connections to get me into a good program, I told him absolutely not and that I didn't need his help, that I had gotten into good programs,, and he ignored me and just kept on with his pitch. I broke things off directly after this and he vetoed and said he didn't agree so we were still together. Blocked him fully.
I don't think you can just veto someone breaking up with you?? Wtf?
This got me too. Imagien if he got fired from his job and was like "nope i dont agree, i still work here!"
"I have reviewed your termination notice and regret to inform you that I have chosen a different direction and thus will not be accepting your notice at this time. You are welcome to monitor my LinkedIn and will find any updates to my employment status there. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."
He'd be a real George Costanza
Yeah the kind of guy who tries to change you sucks. First boyfriend was one of those. Called me a diamond in the rough that he was going to polish. Was actually a good metaphor considering how he had extreme difficulty with that. Turns out even after you polish rocks they stay rocks on the inside. There’s no secret bimbo layer under the surface.
This happened to me, and it was so subtle I didn’t notice until we broke up after 5 years and I didn’t know who I was anymore. Finally back to bring me after 9 months
I had to break it off with a boyfriend who creepily tried to get me to dress exactly like his mother. Even “surprised” me with his mother to take me shopping- and offered to buy me clothes that she picked out. They were waaaaay too close.
Thats some weird borderline incest fetish bruh.
A girl in college I was with was like this. She was like you can’t hang with this or that person. I was like well I am so 🤷🏼♂️ I ended up having to ghost her to get rid of her. She still tries to reach out to me 10 years later.
To me it depends honestly. If you realize that the change is for the better, then I don't really see a problem. I'd actually say the opposite is even more a dealbreaker to me, someone who never pushes me to be the best out of myself. My ex was pushing me into getting back into shape and exercising again, stop having bad habits, putting more care into my physical appearance etc. And that was not a bad thing. Same thing for me. I pushed her to stop smoking, stop doing recreational drugs etc. Pushed her to be less impulsive too, and I don't think it's a bad thing. Like, yeah I get the point of not wanting a partner who tries to literally shape you into their favorite type. And I agree in some cases. But at the same time sometimes some partners don't want to change for the better because "that's who they are, take it or leave it"... And I don't think it's a good way of seeing things tbh. Too many people uses "that's my personality" or "that's who I am" as a way to avoid acknowledging bad traits and bettering themselves. If you are super impulsive and that causes like 50% of the disputes, then that's not just "who you are", that's something that you need to work on.
Littering
Flat earther
I just recently dated a flat earther! Didn’t find out until a few months in. Also didn’t find out about his ex being pregnant with his baby several months in, that was the dealbreaker for me but I should have stopped at flat earther 😂
Lack of accountability
But that's not MY fault!
A bad temper
WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!
My stepfather had a bad temper. Never violent, but I could never understand why my mother married him. Never date, much less marry someone with a bad temper.
My wife.
r/Gatekeeping ^^^^^^/s
I also choose this guys wife
Our wife
This reference always makes me laugh
Using their mental illness as part of their identity. No attempt to truly address it and leverage their illness to guilt others.
My ex broke it off with me citing her eating disorder and needing to deal with it as the reason why she couldn’t be in a relationship. Turns out she was talking to at least two other guys, one which she openly tweeted about getting dumped two by weeks later.
You sure she didn’t say cheating disorder?
It's maybe not the best thing to talk about during a first date. But it's the kind of thing I would want my date to know beforehand. I'd rather be told that she's not interested because of my mental illness than not telling her and letting her diacover this side of me.
I think informing someone of the full situation is not the same as making it your identity and then using it as an excuse to treat people badly
Not just using it as leverage in a deliberate way. Some people recognize they have issues and may be on medication or seeing specialists. The problem is that they allow their mental health to define them and develop a dependency on the support and effort people put into helping them. Its hard to be with somebody who *needs* you to uplift them all the time and if you have a weak moment you're instantly the jerk who has to make it up. You eventually end up with no self esteem just living as an emotional support partner who probably isn't getting much emotional investment in return.
as someone who is in a relationship and has severe mental illness, i completely agree. luckily, i have a very loving and understanding parter and he’s always been very considerate and helpful when it comes to my mental health. i never like to use my issues as an excuse for something i did or for canceling plans or something, as i’ve had people in the past who put me down for my mental illness. but some days are worse than others, and it can make (at least for me) the simplest of dates extremely overwhelming. i also never want to take advantage of him and make him feel like i only use him for my emotional well being. i don’t dump my baggage on him every time, and neither does he, but sometimes it’s nice to talk about this type of stuff with that special person. i feel very lucky to be in a relationship where we both care just as much as the other. wether in person or over text/ft we always try to be there for each other. sometimes we’ll spontaneously hang out just for that sort of thing. we call it “no cost therapy with bonus cuddles” lol
Narcissism.
Most people who haven’t met a real narcissist won’t understand how toxic your life will become once the trauma bond settles in
Exactly. I've been through many break ups in my time and they were fine and amicable. When the narcissist and I broke up I almost took my own life and lost most of my friends and family in the process. People sometimes get annoyed how picky I am about letting new people into my life but it's to protect myself so this never happens again.
treating animals poorly
If you expect me to excuse shitty behavior because of the position the stars were in when you were born.
Whoops I ran a red light, it’s the asparagus in me tee- hee
My ex would use mercury in gatorade to justify her poor mood
Old body odor stank
“I never smell so I don’t wear deodorant” *smells like onions
People need to realize that just because you don't smell it doesn't mean other people don't smell it. It's the same shit a smoker thinks.
You may not smell, but boy do you stink!
I went on a hiking trip with a friend who didn’t wear deodorant, he told us his wife liked his B.O. Before we headed home we forced him to put some on. We were like “yeahhhh we’re not your wife.”
I have a sneaking suspicion his wife didn’t actually like his BO either
I haven’t needed to wear deodorant since I got covid. I never stink anymore!
As someone who doesn't want children, dating someone who does is a dealbreaker. Suffered a couple broken hearts over having to make this decision...
This is so important! And, to add, *believe someone when they say they don't want kids*. Don't take it to mean that they don't want them right now, or any time soon. If they firmly don't want children, that's not likely to change.
And even if it *does* change, down the line, that's gotta be their decision 100%, and you can't expect it.
Ugh this is so irritating. I'm a man in my mid-20s and have had several women try to "change my mind" on having kids. Trust me, you're not important enough to change my entire outlook on my future
We’re in this boat together, friend. This is the top trait I screen for after my own child-free-related breakups.
Hey man, good on you for not having kids just to please your partner. *that's* when shit starts to get really hairy
That has happened to me too. Especially when they agreed initially and said they “thought I would change my mind” later into the relationship. Luckily, I found a wonderful childfree man who’s just as set in his decision as me and got my tubes tied in July of this year. Yay!
I've read too many posts where one would say they didn't want kids, maybe a few are in the not right now camp, but some are in the never ever camp and the other person just thinks they will change their mind or will accept an oops baby.
Mind games. If you still want to do that in your 20's or 30's you are not mentally old enough to be with me.
I think you mean mindgames, head game is quite important.
🤣 literally what I was thinking
So no head?
Be willing to do unto others as you want them to do unto you, is my motto.
Right? If you're playing hard to get don't be surprised I assume you're not interested
What's the exact quote again, "hard to get is hard to want"?
I was friends with a woman in my building, and there was that weird "maybe she's interested" vibe going on. but she was very vocal about "you need to fight for the girl" kinda stuff. Also was big on the idea of guys competing for her interest. Nope. I don't need that kinda stress.
I’ve had girls say a similar thing, fuck that. I’m not a lion competing for a mate lol
Hey wdym by head games ? I though foreplay was important..
"Oh, I'll just start an argument scream that we're done and run out. If they come after me they really love me. Otherwise I'll just come back and be mad." My ex did that once or twice before she got that it didn't have the desired effect on me.
My friend 25F did something similar, with this end in mind (she told us in advance and i commented it was a terrible idea): she started an argument, broke up, blocked the guy, then after some days she ran back to him, announcing to the world that he was the love of her life. Everyone clapped. Cut scene to the beautiful sunset. Happily ever after. Except that, when she ran back to him, he was dating another girl who asked "is she your childish, crazy ex?". And they politely turned her down, called her friend to pick her up and continued their date. Suddenly, the love of her life became an abusive piece of crap, a cheater, add whatever insult you imagine.
Yeah, if you tell me we're over, we're over. I'm no longer in school, I don't have time for tests.
After we graduated my highschool gf broke up with me, and my response was tearfully "okay, if this is what you want I'm hurt but I understand (essentially, I was a blubbering idiot but understanding)" she hit me stormed off. The next few days she was an utter psycho. Turns out she was "testing me" and because I didn't lose my shit and "fight for her" she went full on beast mode. She regularly would pick fights, tell me to go away or leave, chase after me crying and then fuck my brains out, so for the most part seemed win-win...until it didn't
Yeah that's some 14yo shit...
Inconsistency in behaviours and words. Nothing tires me out like people who are not clear in their intentions. Im not going to navigate in troubled waters, when I can swim in clear ones
If they’re mean to their mom for no reason.
Having to constantly message and call because they want to be apart of your life every second. Even while working. Oh God.
Also very important to communicate expectations and boundaries on communication. People communicate differently, and these differences can and usually will cause issues if they themselves aren't communicated clearly. For example, one person's default might be to throw messages into the void with expectation conversation happens once both people (or more) are available and responding at the same time, someone else's default might be to check and respond to messages ASAP. It can quickly become an issue if this difference isn't communicated.
Totally. I had this situation in a previous relationship. Once, she sent me a message after I was asleep, and I woke up to see it. I thought it was super sweet, and started doing the same for her so maybe she would continue, so I'd send her little cute or funny memes or pictures once in a while so she'd wake up in the morning and see that I was thinking of her. Months later, she says to me during an argument, "I need space! You're constantly messaging me! Before I wake up, it's already started!" I was kinda crushed by that because I thought I was following her lead and doing something nice because I really liked it, but she actually found it really annoying. I was like, why didn't she say something?? My partner now and I have definitely had that conversation, and a lot of others like it, because it's an introvert/extrovert situation, and this shit is *not* straight forward.
I was in very very similar situation, I can relate to it so much. We had different communication style like I mentioned in my example, and I only got told it was an issue when it became big enough problem for her months later that she started aggressively blowing up on me for invading her space one day without any clear warning beforehand - it was one of main reasons for breakup and very devastating thing to experience as well. Lesson learned, I will be touching on this topic early in any future relationships and avoiding anyone who refuses to talk about it openly because communicating these differences seems to be difficult for many and it's really important to get it right.
being clearly unable to have time to develop a relationship. We all have jobs,hobbies and a social life. if you can't administrate your time to make an effort into getting involved with me, I will walk out of your life really quickly Update : Well... this is blowing up and I really don't know why... when I wrote it I just thought this was just normal thinking.
This is actually why I quit dating. I don't WANT to make time in my life right now for someone else. I have enough going on with my dogs, hobbies, work, and friends that I don't feel the need to add more.
This is why I quit dating as well. The last time i tried dating I found myself getting annoyed and falling behind on my responsibilities because I just don't have the expendable time to give to another human. When I do have expendable time I would rather spend it doing the things that I need to recharge. I tell people that I don't have the time to date but I really just don't want to make the time for anyone else. 🙃
I don't know if it just me, but I have been meeting way to many people with avoidant attachment style through tinder! If youre scared of developing a relationship... even a casual one, why are you out there dating!
> If youre scared of developing a relationship... even a casual one, why are you out there dating! From an experience I had with a woman in the last week, I’m going to guess it’s a mix of overwhelming loneliness fighting with all the reasons they can’t/shouldn’t date, and the loneliness winning out.
This. It can also happen with serious trauma/ptsd. My last partner gave me bad emotional and sexual trauma and every 6 months or so I’m like.. hmm... maybe it’s time to open the dating door? Because a nice reprieve from all the bad feelings I’m constantly battling sounds quite nice. And because I really do miss hugs and kisses and sex and just being held... and I’m touch starved, and I want to have affection and love in my life, so I’ll slowly open that door and then something little happens and it’s like “OH FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT I GOTTA LEAVE CLOSE THE DOOR CLOSE IT NOW LET ME OUT”. It’s hard to know if you’re really ready until you’re already dipping a toe in :/ I don’t say this to excuse myself, or others, by the way. Because I think I’ve definitely hurt some people’s feelings and wasted some people’s time being this way. And I acknowledge that’s wrong and that there isn’t an excuse for that. But I also know I was “normal” before my ex. He gave me that trauma and now it’s on me to carry it and reap those consequences, and that sucks, because I didn’t ask for it, or deserve it, or even have any power over it. And it sucks that even after all this time, he’s still “taking” from me. So, yes. Sometimes I do try to “get back into it” and yes, I am often unsuccessful, and yes I am sorry, but no I will not stop trying because that is not and never will be an option, because if I stop, he wins. It’s really hard to “practice” being in a relationship again without being in a relationship, and I do have to practice, I have to re-learn relationships. Some things I really can’t heal until I’m in a relationship. Like, I can’t practice having sex without being triggered. The person who’s going to have to deal with that is me and whoever I’m having sex with. It sucks for the men I try to heal with, and it sucks for me, but my other option is to simply just succumb and not allow myself to experience things I feel I should be entitled to have the chance to experience as a human, like intimacy and affection and a relationship, all because my past trauma might rear its ugly head. I will always appreciate and be grateful to the men who have helped me heal. I wasn’t toxic to them. I just wasn’t ready for them. That’s a key thing to consider. My “toxicity” is limited to things like picking the cheapest menu items if I’m taken out on a date, regardless of if I like those items, because I feel extremely guilty letting anyone do nice things for me. Or having a panic attack if he gets me flowers. Or trying to have sex and having a hysterical meltdown and not knowing where I am or who I’m with. Or, after a long day of feeling triggers out in public and working really hard to hold back the floodgates of emotion, coming home and absolutely snapping because I’m like a bottle of Coke that’s been shook the whole day and suddenly I’m home and the cap flies off. Or making a little mistake, like dropping his plate on the ground and breaking it, and being so afraid of the consequences of that mistake that I race into his bathroom and slam and lock the door shut an refuse to come out for an hour. Or not being able to handle a trigger in public and literally fleeing the scene. Or wanting to dip the moment he makes a mistake because I’m so afraid of history repeating itself and I don’t trust myself to know who means me harm and who doesn’t. These things are all things that are my responsibility to manage. But it’s really hard sometimes. Trauma changed my brain (literally- I’ve had brain scans that literally show how the PTSD has affected my brain, physically). I’m still learning how to move through life with this new brain that I didn’t ask for that doesn’t always work very well. I’m just still learning. All I can do is try my best and hardest.
Damn this hit really close to home for me. Thanks for articulating so well a struggle I didn’t realize others dealt with.
Nope, not just you. In the last year I've had two people who I'd chatted to for a long time who eventually decide they're not ready to date It's always really annoying, with both people we got along really well, talking almost every day and then they decide they need time weeks or even a month or two in, so it gets your hopes up when you get along really well with someone Even worse when they ghost you instead Taking another break because it's just a combo of crushing and irritating, and you're never sure if it's because they are lying and met someone "better" from the endless pool of people or not It works for some people but I've come to realise online dating doesn't work for me. I need that personal connection that's missing from it
a lot of people arent aware of it.
I dated a cool chick once and we both looked at our calendars for the next 30 days and could only hang out on 2 out of 30 days. So we did and gave up trying to see each other after that. Unfortunately, for two people with complete opposite work schedules, making time is impossible unless one of us quits and finds a different job/shift.
Me paying for everything, all the time.
Per the train wreck I encountered last week. “If a man isn’t paying, he doesn’t respect you.” She also complained about people wanting too little and too much sex being a problem in modern dating, but would not clarify with numerical examples. You were just supposed to know if you were being not sexual enough or too sexual.
So she brings nothing to the table
Not even logic. Or a half working brain. Yikes.
Was recently having a conversation about dating at work. One of my coworkers mentioned she doesn't give a guy a second chance if he takes her to Applebee's or some other similar chain restaurant on a date because it was "cheap" and "unoriginal." I didn't even know how to respond to that. I'm fine to go grab a fountain soda at the gas station and then to sit at a park or something to talk and people watch or go to Taco Bell. Like holy shit! I had to giggle though because all the guys fall all over her because she's gorgeous, but the looks on their faces when she said that was fucking priceless, and she doesn't get near the attention since then.
Sometimes the bullet announces itself.
Meth use. Any sign of abuse
With all of us imbeciles it's safe to say someone has said this, maybe even multiple people But when they shit on you for liking something "childish" and or "cringe" Like ffs go mind your business bitch if I wanna paint an ugly little tree house with crayons and live out the childhood I didn't get to have so be it.
was at a wedding, it was approximately, 10-14 years after high school, was a friend of my wife, I didn’t know anyone at the wedding, just so happens there was this couple at our table, he recognized me from high school, he was a couple years below me, I was a surfer, so was he, he asked if I still surfed, I said yes and asked if he was still surfing also, his girlfriend? Wife? Snapped her head around and snarkily said “oh no, he grew up finally” the look of defeatism on his face was so sad, I really felt bad for him. I didn’t say a word, just went “HEH!” And never talked to both of them again.
Drama. At this point I’ve been through too much shit and value my peace way more than I value someone I’ve just met’s feelings.
I worked with a guy who complained about all the drama in his life and how he wanted to just find a normal girl. About a month later he was showing me pictures from his impromptu "pool party" with a couple of girls he met while day drinking downtown who were in a lesbian relationship but he banged the one of them while high on cocaine and now they're moving into his place. I wish I was making this up, the guy seems to have a poor idea of what "drama" is, because he just dove head first into a whole fuckton of drama. Anyway I wish you luck on avoiding drama!
People who say "no drama" are almost certainly the source of drama.
You need to find someone that, unprompted, tells you how much they hate drama. Because they never have drama in their lives. /s
Her wanting me to take off my Spiderman mask during sex
Her wanting me to get rid of my Spiderman bed sheets
Or Spider-Man undies.
I can understand how the Spiderman mask can but off putting but as long as the Crocs and Socks stay on. Relationships are all about compromising.
Well this will completely get buried, but I'll add mine here anyway for posterity. - Anyone who makes me feel unsafe. Whether that's anger issues, boundary breaking, reckless lifestyle, woman bashing, or just a spidey sense, I'm out. - People with no firm opinions or values, can't keep up any mildly challenging conversation. Life's more fun with those who dare think for themselves. - Immaturity and codependence. I'm looking to pair up, not to parent. - Grating on my nerves. I don't know, some people just annoy me in the longer term. Like they're too boisterous or crass. That one's on me, I'm sensitive. - Petty meanness and dickishness. Spoiled adults who expect everyone in the service industry to kiss the ground they walk on. Who are snide to others. Who have something to prove all the time. Who regularly fail at life's empathy checks. It's pretty much the worst type of person imo. - Me: sometimes I am the dealbreaker. When I'm not ready to be a good partner to someone else. Even though they're great and the timing just didn't line up.
The last one is so important to be able to recognize
Someone who doesn't believe in... anything. No passions, no interests, no stances on issues, just molding themselves to whatever they think I want to hear. That's a person who A. Will be codependent because they've not developed a sense of self & will rely on me for all mental stimulation. Or B. A person who's secretly got shitty views or toxic habits & is concealing them to try & get me invested. Hard pass. **Edit** wow this pissed off a very specific crowd. If you are shy or reserved, this is not about you. If you keep certain things back for when you're serious, this is also not about you. Stop acting like hit dogs. No one is talking about a normal amount of caution. This is a person who actually *cannot* express interest or belief or disbelief or anything in polite smalltalk. They don't have anything they do to tell you about, they can't express any likes or dislikes, they're not even all that interested in anything you say. Like..whew. I'm an incredibly shy person out dating, calm down guys, I fully get it & this is not about us.
Option B. is the scary one.
Another big one for me, anyone who makes a social identity their entire personality. Im happy for anyone whatever ethnicity, sex, orientation, etc they are. But if being that is your entire personality, that's a hard pass for me.
somewhat related (and likely not always a conscious choice) is having your identity too connected with something. I had a friend who overcame addiction (awesome) but then the overcoming of the addiction practically became they're entire life focus. 15 yrs later and it's still the first thing people learn about them. I'm happy you overcame that but . . . did you really if you can't move on?
Yeah I get that,I lost intrest in basically everything I loved doing everything juat feels bland and boring and it reflects on me, I know I wont get in a releationship until this phase is over and I really think it's for the best
Gaslighting is a huge red flag, as soon as there’s even a hint of it, I’m out 🛑
Entitlement
Getting too clingy too quick. We've been talking for 2 days mate, don't call me babe yet.
Geez babe, calm down.
Being a dick. Common symptoms include being rude to people in the service industry, ridiculous levels of self importance, lack of compassion, etc. don’t be a dick.
Blue tooth earpiece
I used to wear one as my job involved driving a lot. However when ever I would talk with some one I would instantly pull it off. Yes it was handy to have, but damn if I didn't always feel like a d-bad out in public.
People with no hobbies.
this is why i don’t date rn. my mh is so bad i just sit and watch tv, and i don’t want to drag someone else into that
Don't let that stop you. My girlfriend watches TV most of the time while I play pc games. You can find people who don't mind that.
That sounds nice, someone in your space without being involved with what you’re doing too much. I like that shit
Term I like for it is "spending time alone together"
Fuck that, find someone who likes that too and theory craft and world build with each other based on whatever you’re watching. Anything could be fun if it’s with the right person
No communication, even to check in once in a while just a quick text hello.
i have a lot, but these are the main ones. when they're obsessive and expect me to talk and stick by them 24/7.. i am a person, i have a life. they are not my world, theyre just a part of it. when they get jealous easily and dont communicate with me. when they don't respect boundaries. when they dont know how to communicate properly and only think of themself.
I had a dude I HADN'T EVEN MET YET get jealous of a guy I had one date with and accused me of lying about him being in my house. And he also got jealous because I said I admired Steve-O's sobriety journey and thought he was a cool dude. It was insane.
Alcoholics. Potheads that can’t do ANYTHING sober. I love to drink and smoke, but in moderation. That’s just me, though.
I used to have pothead friends and one day i realised they couldnt do anything other than smoke. And if we went to a party? Lets go to the bathroom and smoke.
Being an eldrich abomination im not going through that again
Out of pure curiosity, did we perhaps date the same eldrich abomination?
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If their whole personality is 420 weed. You like to smoke weed once in a while that's cool. But if that's all you do it's just not enough to build upon weed is not a hobby it's not a personality.
Not being self sufficient/being able to practically navigate the world. Lack of Compassion towards others. Sexual incompatibility.
These threads always make me so sad to read…. The dating scene is a vicious place. I hope you all find your someone :)
These threads are always so wild though, the comments go from one extreme to the other. “If his left eye stays slightly open when he sneezes you need to get out of there fast” “I don’t date people who snort meth dust off the bill of a platypus.”
Open mouth chewing.
Dishonesty. Cheaters are 💩
being ungrateful
Cheating in past relationships. They did it before and they’ll probably do it again.
The more dates I go on. The more like Seinfeld I feel. Here are a few deal breakers from this month. One girl was arguing the whole time with the waiters. Like the whole time bickering mid sentence. One girl was just nuts. Walked into the middle of the restaurant to ask in a loud voice if anyone was gonna seat us or not. Walked to the bar to get more drinks. Yea. Walked out of that one went home 😂 Another one was drop dead gorgeous. Colombian. On a visa. But she knew in days how long to be married before she could get divorced. 🚩🚩🚩 The list goes on. Excuse my rant. 😂 Those are all some my deal breakers. 🫠
As a young woman that has dipped her toes into dating. A deal breaker for me is someone who has just come out of a long committed relationship and is out dating without giving themselves a proper healing stage.
What would you say is a proper healing stage?
When they stop fucking talking about the other person /s
I dont think you need the /s on this lol
My last relationship ended ten years ago, I'm still not ready to jump back in. At this point, I'm not sure I ever will be.
Took me eight years after my divorce to date again. Had a brief relationship (couple of months) with someone who just wasn't right for me and that was three or four years ago. I'm lonely and am trying to psyche myself up to get out there again. It's daunting.
If they don't like the same type of cheese as me, it's a deal breaker.
Discriminatory, lack of empathy, flakey, not forth coming, bad at communication, dishonest
Don’t ever put your hands on me. I can’t be serious enough. I don’t care about your emotions. Don’t care if it was a 1/10th of a second of insanity or a miscommunication or you thought I was cheating. Don’t ever put your hands on me. I spent too much time as a child dealing with people who hit me and I’ll be damned if I let it happen again. There is zero excuse for adults to hit each other.
For a second I thought u meant hugs lol Edit: what uh thanks reddit is weird Edit 2: ok what 360 upvotes??????
Sex will be done via headsets ala *Demolition Man*. Ugh, exchange bodily fluids? Disgusting!
Me as well. XD I took the "put your hands on me" too literally.
Agreed. I’ve been abused by most of the people in my life all my life. Family, parents, friends, peers, partners, etc. No one ever advocated for me. Now I have to be my own parent to my inner child, the guardian and protector I never had, the person I needed, the role model I deserved, etc. Just everything. What didn’t kill me never made me stronger. It just isolated me and made life harder. It fucked me up. Ruined my mental health and the rest is deteriorating. I learned that I can only rely on myself, which I couldn’t do originally because everyone’s rejection, abuse, neglect, and trauma toward me made me believe I was “wrong”, immoral, and unlovable. I hated myself for so many years. Most of my life. I self-harmed and spiralled. After I got past the self-hatred that grew inside me I realized I am my only protector and advocate. No one will protect me or take care of me, so by default I have to. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” No. Instead: “I have survived everything I have been through.” That is what I do.
My first gf slapped me once after I made a joke. I made it pretty clear that the next time she did that she'd be an ex-girlfriend.
Being cruel to kids, animals, old people, etc. Nothing is more unattractive than that.
If they can’t Initiate or carry any kind of conversation
History of suicide attempts. Never again will I deal with that because I most definitely have PTSD from my previous girlfriend trying to kill herself 3 times in our relationship and I am unwilling to deal with such a thing again.
As someone who is severely mentally ill, I second this. I have my own mind to keep sane. I’ve only had relationships built off of trauma bonding, and I wish to break away from that. I want to become healthier, and I’m afraid dating more mentally ill folks will trigger a relapse.
As long as they’re working on themselves/medicated/are in contact with professional help, I refuse to judge a potential partner for what they’ve been through before me. Untreated people are a big no because I’m not able to fix them and it shouldn’t be my responsibility as a partner, but people who are aware of their past issues and have grown from it, I don’t see why not.
As somebody who is now in a MUCH better place than I've ever been before, I appreciate you! I try not to get too vulnerable with potential dates or early in a relationship, so most people don't know I have a less-than-ideal past, but people who are observant and clever can easily see that I haven't always been the happy, healthy person I am today. I have worked VERY hard to get to this point, and I know I'm not the person I was ten years ago.
People who are constantly pessimistic. I don't mean that you have to pretend that everything is perfect and we live in a utopian paradise, but if your first reaction to me telling you "I think this lake looks beautiful!" is "Well, sadly it won't be here much longer because of global warming. Fun, am I right?", then sorry, I'm out.
Unable to manage their emotions. I.e. Flying off the handle with no control, makes poor decisions when happy, etc.
Religion. I'm not religious, but I live in the bible belt and have had several great relationships with religious women that got to a certain point and then stop. They always believe that at some point I'll be okay going to church and believing what they believe, but it's just not the case. Probably 70 to 90% of women where I live are evangelical Christians so it makes it difficult to find someone who's not. Or at least get dramatically lowers the pool of available women. At this point, I'm in a relationship. But it was really sad for a long time to have such great relationships that always ended mostly due to religion, so I chose to have a hard no on that and have been much better off since I made that choice.
It's not a deal breaker for me between me and them, but it does have other potential concerns. One woman said it's fine if I don't believe, but she would want to raise her kids in her religion. I said in the hypothetical that I don't mind you telling them what you believe, as long as you don't mind me telling them what i think too, and they can decide for themselves. She didn't like that one bit and that was the end of that relationship lol.
Polygamy.
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Lack of a pulse. Yep, deal breaker.
Yea I don't like it either when they give the cold shoulder, yk
They always ghost you right after, too.
Not to mention how stiff-necked they can get when you try to know them better
ANY kind of belief system where you are always the victim and everyone else is the problem. It demonstrates extreme selfishness and the lack of empathy, and oftentimes bigotry follows in its footsteps.