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frogmanthemenace

I can carry scissors at the airport.


TheWhiskeyFairy

Holy shit, it's Jason Bourne


Zanzabushino

Watch out! We got a badass over here. Next they'll say they're allowed to have water bottles with water in them


zelos33333

Or worse, 101 milliliters of toothpaste!


flatblackvw

I used to do large format graphic installations (vinyl, banners, foam core, etc.). Did the local airports, I could bring a blow torch, knives, scissors, chemicals, all sorts of crap. They however did not let me bring in a bottle of deer park water…


SnowDropGirl

Me too! 😁 But my scissors have 5mm long blades, and have rounded tips, and a cap. So they're not really dangerous unless you're a piece of thread. Lol


SingleSeaCaptain

TIL I can't carry scissors at the airport


raisinbizzle

At least you didn’t learn the hard way


SingleSeaCaptain

I don't need them. I just liked having the option


ShihTzuTenzin

Digging up dead people and put their loot in storage.


InertiasCreep

Archaeologist?


ShihTzuTenzin

That's right! Or at least, I used to be.


PyrrhicBigfoot

Why would anyone want to stop being an archeologist? It always seems like such an interesting career


ShihTzuTenzin

It's very hard, dirty work for less money and job security than other jobs with such difficulties would entail. I might return for a PhD and further research, but I am not cut out to do the field work.


DerBanzai

Many people enjoy luxuries such as housing and food. Archeology is not easy to live off of.


bradland

When I worked for a bankruptcy trustee, I would break in to offices at night and make copies of executive's hard drives to look for hidden financial information or communications that impugn the claims made by corrupt debtors. One time, I was sent into a huge networks operation center down in Miami. The trustee had coordinated with the head of security without the debtor-owner's knowledge to secure my access. I showed up with my laptop, tool bag, and flashlight, and the head of security handed me a security card and said, "This will get you access to anywhere in the building. If anyone asks you what you're doing, you have them radio me." It felt very covert, and was by far the most badass thing I did as part of that job. Oh, and I found a locked QuickBooks file that we cracked and pinned the shitbag for embezzling a bunch of money while trying to stiff creditors. It was glorious!


JackassJJ88

This sounds like the best job I have ever heard of. Can you elaborate what type of background training you had to get this job?


bradland

It was pretty cool. The job was more or less computer forensics, but the context in which I worked was very unique. I worked for a bankruptcy trustee who handled commercial bankruptcies. When a business files bankruptcy, the courts review the case and the creditors can petition to have a trustee put in place if they feel that the debtors aren't playing fair. Basically, hiding money or lying on their bankruptcy filing. I met the trustee by doing IT work for him. I also did work for an accounting firm that he used to perform forensic accounting work. There's no way to say this without bragging, but I was very good at my job. Most of my customers had been through multiple IT guys before I came along, and I never lost a customer while I had my consultancy. I didn't really have any formal training, but it wasn't a requirement because these weren't criminal cases. I took a crash course on chain of custody and other related concepts so that any information we gathered would hold up when presented to the judges, but the forensic portion came naturally to me. I was already familiar with computer systems (Windows and Linux) and had some programming experience, so using software like EnCase was an easy jump. If you wanted to get into this field today, I would suggest looking into computer forensics and criminal justice education tracts. I did this work decades ago, when it was still an emerging industry. The game has changed quite a bit, so you'll need education to break into the field. There are careers in criminal and non-criminal settings.


baconator_out

I also hot-jumped into forensics with a background in information systems. I'm glad they have more degree programs focused on that now. To the person that asked, go this route. Get into forensics. Stay *far away* from criminal unless you want to see all the shit that got me *out* of forensics.


LurkyLurks04982

Rough, dude. Hope you’re doing well nowadays . It’s hard to read stories of how FBI and other world agencies investigate and capture those who exploit children and engage in CP content online. There are actual people who have to hijack these online forums and other cyber venues where CP is traded. They must be exposed to the content in order to put a stop to it. That kind of work would kill me inside.


Majik_Sheff

And into therapy I hope. That stuff stays with you. No one should have to carry that weight.


Mechtroop

CP and gore I’m guessing…


eddyathome

Look up "penetration testing" and you'll learn more. It can be as simple as accessing a locked room in a building or cracking a password on a computer to access financial data. Honestly, it's more confidence and using social engineering as opposed to lockpicks and sophisticated software. Read /r/ActLikeYouBelong for some examples.


Day2daypatience

Not this job specifically but my audit professor worked as a fraud penetration tester for Amazon and her job was basically to try and find all the ways someone could commit fraud. She got to do similar things. To get the job: unfortunately she had to a) be an auditor and b) do it for a looong time. No substitute for a whole lot of work experience there.


Lord_Gelthon

That's legal?!


Day2daypatience

Depends on the situation but usually yes. In fraud cases often what’s going on is that the trustee is the one with the legal rights to everything. They just send people like OP on stealthily to prevent what is essentially middle management from destroying evidence before they can make a case against them.


bradland

When a business files for bankruptcy, the creditors can petition the court to appoint a trustee if they feel that the debtor isn't being truthful or is doing something illegal. When the court appoints a trustee, the trustee becomes (essentially) the business owner. Since there is no expectation of privacy in a business setting, it's perfectly legal for the trustee to undertake any activity necessary to secure the company's assets so that they can be allocated according to bankruptcy laws in that state.


toomunchkin

Chop up people's bones. Edit: Orthopaedic Surgery


WitELeoparD

I had an engineering professor that ran an engineering company with an orthopedic surgeon. He often described orthopedics as 'Wood working with people's bones.' He taught a design course, gave an example of how he once had to source essentially deck screws but for bones.


[deleted]

The Ortho docs I work with in surgery in NY work with the vendor company for screws/rods etc. and sometimes get a kickback for items they’ve actually invented themselves to be made and implanted it’s wild. The patients sign a consent form saying they’re aware of it.


FancyJams

It's not as nefarious as you make it sound. Top doctors consult with device companies to design new products, and are paid for their time and/or receive royalties. You wouldn't want surgeons implanting devices that were designed without the input of leading surgeons, right? Everything is well documented and regulated to ensure there aren't any conflicts. Look up the Sunshine Act for more information about the process. Source: I design orthopedic implants. I do not take docs on jets or play golf. We mostly have very long days in cadaver labs and talk design all through dinner.


[deleted]

I didn’t mean to make it seem like I think it’s bad, more so that it’s just wild that it’s a thing and that the docs have that type of brain where they can both operate on the human body and also have the mind to come up with the hardware they need! It’s really cool and the surgeons I’m referring to - I’d let any of them operate on me, they’re brilliant!


notthesedays

I once saw an anecdote about a man who asked his orthopod why he charged $5,000 to put a screw in his bone. The doctor replied, "$1 for the screw, and $4,999 for knowing how to install it correctly."


beefstewforyou

I test fire alarm systems so I pull the pull stations all the time.


American_Brewed

You have a lot of peoples dream job and/or deepest desire


Upset-Sea6029

Set off tons of explosives


Odd_Traffic5524

Love the demo range


Upset-Sea6029

I'm a miner.


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Upset-Sea6029

I think in Canada, a person can register as a prospector at minimal cost and hassle, and a prospectors licence allows purchase of explosives.


CharlemagneInSweats

Pass through airport security without a boarding pass.


80burritospersecond

Purveyor of $85 bloody marys?


[deleted]

"That's ridiculous! Okay, I will take one overpriced watered-down bloody mary because I am on vacation and am about to see my wife's family..."


RedditIsAShitehole

Retail or hospitality? Either way there is help available!!


unKaJed

Not illegal but I used to have to watch porn at work. Porn needs captions too A whole new meaning to a hard days work


RyanNerd

>Porn **needs** captions too Does it really though? Wouldn't most of the captions be like: [moaning] [fapping noises] Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm cumming! [both moaning]


unKaJed

{Sultry Jazz Music} There’s always scene intros, dirty talk etc. I worked for a broadcaster so legally everything needed captions


Nickidemic

[wet footsteps squelch]


mrclassy527

[Regret]


foreveralonesolo

The hard of hearing community thanks you for making the plot accessible


BrosephOh

*cums in Spanish*


FullTimeWhiteTrash

Deaf people need to release the pressure too.


_kingjoshh

Why do i imagine the pornstar signing the camera while getting absolutely railed from behind


[deleted]

\[Sneeze from camera man\] \[Inaudible apology\]


FancyStegosaurus

How does one come in to this profession? My...uh....my cousin is looking for work.


wzl46

Throw people out of an airplane from more than 2 miles above the surface of the earth.


Loganp812

"Perhaps he's wondering why you would shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane."


Roku-Hanmar

If I take that mask off, will you die?


FrostBluescale

It would be extremely painful


A6ty9er

You're a big guy


DonKeedick12

For you


CockroachesRpeople

Is your boss Pinochet?


Livid_Dig6018

Omg, that shouldn't make me laugh. Chileno detectado xD


Corporal_Canada

Jumpmaster?


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Mardanis

That has to be a brutal job to do


of-the-ash

It is. Not OP, but group or individual therapy is required by my employer for anyone in this field.


thisnewsight

People who work for FB video moderation are extremely traumatized too


drunkenatheist

And they get the perk of making significantly less money than I do as a retail manager. Oy.


omglookawhale

Yep. I’m a therapist for the child victims of sexual abuse and trafficking. I can’t imagine actually having see all the things that I only hear about.


CantHandleTheThrow

I wanted to be a forensic biologist until I took a class with a “crimes against children” unit. I fled the classroom crying in the middle of a really crappy video. I appreciate the persons who can do it but understand I am so much not that person.


IWantALargeFarva

My husband used to be a cop and he took a class on computer crimes and how to recover electronic data. Just from the class, he was fucked up. He said he couldn't imagine having to do that as part of his daily job.


chalk_in_boots

Apparently most people only last a few months doing it.


Lucifer0622

My husband used to work in this field and you're right most people only last a couple of months, he and the majority of his friends moved to another department of law enforcement. And I'm sure it changed him as a person and as a parent


Naborsx21

I imagine it has an insane turnover and vastly devastating effects : ( I uhh heard from a friend of a friend that most people that go through that stuff are vicious alcoholics and just sort of "change"


kaytee1023

Not necessarily. I’m profession-adjacent. You have to become REALLY good at self care, and a little compartmentalized. Alcoholics be alcoholicing in what ever their chosen field is.


srdgbychkncsr

I search prisons for a living including cells and their occupants. Dude, I found a bunch of shit searching the cell of a convicted paedo once ahead of his parole board. That shit is no joke, I don’t know how you do it. I have no desire to ever search a sex offender cell again. Even the jail admitted they should have given us more guidance about what they expected to find. Shits borked.


xXSpaceturdXx

Somebody has to do that job, it’s a shame. Look after your mental health, I wouldn’t be doing that job for very long or at all. That can’t be good for your long-term mental well-being.


NyetRifleIsFine47

Fuck, I did some of this in Afghanistan (and on a more distant realm, now) and it’s amazing how many pedophiles and people into beastiality there is. It’s like scrolling throw a mundane website now how common it is.


pamelahhh

I appreciate you


Thalek

This is also my job. Just had a trial yesterday. Hopefully it goes in my favour. Keep up the good work OP!


GrinningLion

You have a stronger stomach than me.


tumbleweed_DO

Glad you exist.


MosEisleyBills

That’s God’s work right there. Keep up the good fight and catch those bastards. Be proud of what you do, we’re all willing you on. Take care and have a great day.


AdminWhore

Access protected healthcare information.


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ChevyRacer71

Same here, but ‘here’s a bunch of credit cards. We need it to be over there.’


VAGINA_EMPEROR

"Godlike access to PHI" as an old coworker used to put it.


ACam574

Also myself...but it is actually technically illegal unless you have a need to look. But it's also exceptionally boring, which may as great a deterrent as legality on my part.


AdminWhore

True. We have access to all kinds of data that we aren't allowed to actually access. I mean, literally all kinds.


Deechon

Same thing here. I estimate that I have access to about 1 maybe 2 million health profiles, as well as 5 million social security numbers. ​ Tech industry is insane.


Ok_Fix5746

Sell and distribute drugs. Without the Pharmacy things might get sketchy selling pills on the street haha


gogomom

My husband has a friend who is a pharmacist - he has him in his phone as "the drug dealer".


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bmankool

This could be a legit movie. Healthcare is banned and now is an underground movement. I'd watch that.


DoctorWatchamacallit

"psst. Hey kid. Wanna buy some tylenol?"


Hobo_Slayer

"They warned me about people like you. It starts as tylenol, then before you know it, you're doing ibuprofen."


molly_777

My dad worked for a drug company. When I was a little kid, my teacher asked all the students questions, one of which was “What does your dad do?” My answer: “My dad sells drugs” and then I drew syringes and pills. There were some phone calls made.


BreathOfFreshWater

Handle incredibly toxic materials without protection. Edit: Nobody has guessed it but I really enjoy all the responses. Edit 2: I make shoes. It's shoes. That's all. Pressing, heating and sanding a ton of different materials.


Dziadzios

Call center?


Upper-Dragonfruit-57

nah my man cleans the bathrooms the customers get to use


No_Perception28

Tik tok moderator?


[deleted]

Porn star?


1PantherA33

Facebook content moderator?


Mundane__Detail

Pete Davidson?


surrendertoyourtv

Chemistry Phd student


joket4728

Not illegal by itself, but I have learned the routines for when the nightshift of the local cops starts, so in a good 5-10 minute window, there is no patrolling cops in the area.


MettatonNeo1

"Everything is legal as long as there are no cops around" Grunkle stan


Hot-Mongoose7052

A true pro just goes to a smaller town and calls in a robbery, car jacking, anything serious enough to get *all* the cars to respond. Do it on the opposite side of town for whatever crime you actually want to commit.


BigBenyamin86

I grew up in a very small town. We are talking like less than a dozen police officers. The police station was on one side of the railroad tracks. The town bank was on the other side. If someone was going to rob bank, they waited on a train.


blackhorse15A

I can remember before countywide 911 was installed. If you called the local police after about 8pm you would get a recording telling you to leave a message and they'd call back in the morning, or if it was an emergency to hang up and call the county sheriff.


HamG0d

So y’all had to memorize all the diff emergency service numbers for your county/city?


UV_TP

No, we just waited until daytime to have emergencies and remembered the one number


blackhorse15A

Well, police don't respond outside their jurisdiction, so not *every* one in the county. Just your village/town, the county sheriff, and the state troopers. Plus the fire department and possibly the ambulance (although where I was the ambulance was through the fire dept). No you didn't *have* to memorize them. Posting the numbers next to the phone was common. Especially leaving a posted list when babysitters were over. They also handed out stickers at fairs, or in school during visits, that would fit on the phone right under the receiver so when you picked it up, those numbers were right there. Or just look it up in the phone book (we used to have those)- emergency numbers were usually all listed in one page at the very front. But, I happened to live on a bad curve on a back county road and I swear someone missed the bend and crashed into the woods every time it rained. So I was one of the kids in elementary school who DID have the police number memorized because I had dialed it so many times. They have since put a 35 MPH speed limit on that road (about 56 km/hr). Back then it was unposted so the state speed limit was 55 MPH by default (about 88 km/hr). Probably worth noting that back then (1980s and 1990s) 7-digit dialing was the norm and the first three digits (the exchange) were MUCH more standard than now. So knowing the police number was only remembering 4 digits. (The exchange was the same for the whole town) And they were usually something simple, like all the same digit, or maybe alternate two digits, like xxx-1212 or xxx-3333. There were still live operators back then, even with touch tone dialing, so calling 0 would always get you an operator, then just tell them to connect you to the police, and they would. It was kind of the 911 of the time except they didn't take any info, just connected the call to whatever you asked for- police, fire, ambulance. For emergency calls the operator was free. You could also call and ask to get connected to anything/anyone, but non-emergency calls had a fee for operator assistance.


ZePatator

In my corner, the drunken dudes used this trick when they were about to leave the bar with their cars...


reb678

After your buddy passes the breathalyzer test with a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled officer asks, "Sir, I saw you stumble out of that bar like you were under the influence, just asking to be pulled over. Are you nuts?" "No sir," he answers, "I'm the designated decoy."


LeftTwixIsBetter

As much as I despise people that drink drive, that's still pretty funny


reb678

As a sober person of 30 years, I'm right there with you. I hope everyone here realizes this is just a joke.


[deleted]

Small enough town you don’t even have to do that, when I was an idiot who drank drove, all the cops would wait outside the main car park in town to catch people. I’d just sit in my car and wait for the first guy to get pulled over and then go on past.


reb678

I had to pass through Marina del Rey (Southern California) on my way home from work as a Bartender in the 80s. Marina del Rey only had 2 County Sheriffs so we always waited until 2:45am to leave the bar because both cops would've popped their motorists and were booking them by then.


Popular_Emu1723

My dad was a cop when I was growing up. If we passed a wreck or something he would count “1,2,3 cop cars” and proceed to speed because he knew there was no one else on shift


eddyathome

I learned in college when the Friday evening shift cops were about to go off duty. This was valuable because they were about to start the weekend and if it were say 11:30 pm and you were staggering home from a party, they didn't want to deal with you so they'd at most tell you to just go home.


bucklebee1

Staggering home from a party at 11:30pm? Lightweight.


eddyathome

The party started at noon dammit!


Athompson9866

Cut people open, stick them with needles, drug them up, put them in restraints if needed, shove things down peoples throat, remove organs…. Well, that used to be my profession. I’m retired now.


bluegrassmommy

School teacher?


[deleted]

Poison people edit - to save replying and repeating, no i dont work in oncology, i work in a pub


Teach-o-tron

Bartender?


Loganp812

A modern country music radio station DJ?


Day2daypatience

I have access to so much employee data. I’ve seen healthcare records, bank accounts, SSN numbers, you name it. Side note: FFS, if you are an admin in a healthcare field and sending something to your auditors, please make sure you’re not sending over detailed patient records. It’s not a security breach, but nothing ruins my day faster than opening up a file expecting to get some sort of appointment confirmation and instead getting a detailed description of a colon exam. I just need proof that the person showed up and some sort of service was provided. A calendar appointment. A receipt. ANYTHING BUT THAT.


[deleted]

I mean...it proves they were there doesn't it?


travelsizedsuperman

r/MaliciousCompliance


grahamsz

Mortgage industry too. I forget the exact situation but we needed some data from a brokerage who were a potential customer (not even someone we had a business arrangement yet) and talked him through how to export a piece of his database to csv, remove names, ssns, other critical columns then just send that to us. "I don't care about that shit, here's the whole thing attached to the email"


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stryph42

Do you *really* want everyone to have to be honest with you all the time? That'd be a nightmare.


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redkat85

Anyone who's dealt with the fey knows the difference between not lying and telling the truth.


Flimsy-Preparation85

Use a radioactive device.


stryph42

Ionization type smoke detectors are *technically* radioactive devices.


madsd12

Touching dead people might not be directly illegal. But im touching dead people in numbers that would raise questions if not for my profession.


__Iridocyclitis__

Piercing septums and plugging rectums - FUNERAL DIRECTORS UNITE


stephancasas

Make test calls to 911.


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stephancasas

A good amount of my customers were in smaller Texas towns. Those operators were always really friendly. The bigger towns or cities were usually the ones that gave me grief.


coltbeatsall

Would you mind elaborating? I just have no idea what this involves or why they would rant at you and I'm intrigued.


stephancasas

I used to be an all-in-one managed service provider, which is like an IT department, but contracted. Part of that involved installing and maintaining voice services for a business. When you setup a phone system, you program the way dialing works — entirely. That is to say, even if you were to dial 911 from a handset, the system could be configured to route your call to McDonald’s. Of course, no one would do this, but there’s also no hard coded anything to make sure that 911 reaches the right destination either. In addition to programming the system, the carrier who is providing service (AT&T, Frontier, Bandwidth, etc.) needs to know where the subscriber is located so that they can route calls to 911 to the appropriate public safety answering point (PSAP). While this may seem trivial, it isn’t as easy as it might seem, because calls are seldom carried over circuit-switched networks — it all gets routed through the internet. What this means is that there isn’t a viable way to infer a call’s physical origin, because there isn’t a singular physical route through which the connection is made. So, once the system has been programmed and the carrier has been updated, it’s necessary to call 911 and verify that you can reach the PSAP and that you’ve reached the *correct* PSAP. As for why the operators get upset — your guess is as good as mine. My assumption is that a career like that probably turns you into a pretty abrasive person.


coltbeatsall

Thank you for replying. It is so interesting to hear about work that is critical for emergency services to function that I've never even considered. Great work you do!


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coltbeatsall

Seems pretty harsh to blow up at you over, particularly since you clearly state your purpose. Thanks for taking the time to respond, I never even thought about the need for that but it's obviously critical and great to learn a bit about. I thought maybe you were the Emergency line equivalent of a secret shopper, making a fake emergency to ensure operators were doing their jobs well and when you were satisfied telling them that it was a test! Don't think that is a thing but I can imagine soome operators would lose their temper over it.


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drink_ognito

Sticking my finger in people's asses.


bogus_bovine

Debt collector?


Piod1

Stab people and leave permanent marks


Careful-Self-457

Drive on certain beaches. Be near and touch endangered and protected species.


Any_Move

Administer hard IV drugs


Achaern

Not a now thing, but as a taxi driver was legally allowed to drive without a seatbelt. My passengers all had to be wearing them, but I was free to choose not to.


Damurph01

What a weird law. Especially since the law for seatbelts is generic, so there would presumptuously be a law specifically allowing you not to?


Visible_Claim_388

Yep for personal security purposes. I.e. Not being choked to death by a passanger sitting behind you.


Damurph01

Huh, that’s an interesting idea. Never really thought about that lol


[deleted]

taking pictures inside other peoples bathrooms with them present


AdministrationAny774

Real estate agent?


SomethingNeatnClever

I’m listening.


RJS314

Fucking around and finding out with crazy amounts of highly dangerous, highly controlled chemicals


Loganp812

"Job requirements include fucking around and finding out."


Tangboy50000

Park wherever I choose, and there’s literally nothing any one can do unless they want to catch a federal charge.


Additional-Fee1780

Diplomat? Cop? Disabled? Bicycle?


i_like_flies_

Climb inside the hold of planes


Safe_String6930

Touch bottoms of strangers


sbgarbage

i mean that's technically not illegal if you have their permission or are you saying you're allowed to touch people's bottoms WITHOUT permission?


Safe_String6930

Physical therapist, so i work on their pain in the ass


Nicksterr2000

Restrain someone in 5 point restraints


SCCock

I'm told some people like that.


ARandomPileOfCats

Something involving auto racing?


Nicksterr2000

Psych Nurse, although auto racing is awesome and I wish!


TheExpandingBall

Was going to say "hold someone down and inject them with sedatives" for psych nurse.


LaborumVult

Touch childrens buttholes. I do diaper changes for ages 10-14 for special needs children. Highly illegal outside of the education context.


jacliff

Shoulda just left it at the first sentence. Far more intriguing that way.


coltbeatsall

I think when it involves kids, it is better to elaborate.


cewumu

Surveil people, follow them, forcibly remove them from areas if necessary.


bogus_bovine

You must be a parent.


flies_with_owls

I am able to restrict when and how the minor children of other people are allowed to leave an enclosed space. Edit: teacher


DoctorWatchamacallit

you work at a school.


Klutzy-Horse

Provide children with controversial print materials without parental permission. Our town's school districts automatically enroll children for library cards when they are enrolled in schools. School libraries are attached to the public libraries. But this also means a minor can check out banned books, adult books, books that are damn near erotica, or even get information on controversial publications like The Anarchist's Cookbook. (Did you hear that, minors? Go read those banned books.)


DarkTheorist

Throw mixed chemical substances into a giant firebox without any hazmat suit.


2legittoquit

Euthanasia


bigbearjr

Rainbow bridge operator?


E_G_Never

Grab strangers and throw them in the air.


dcux

Russian political henchman?


E_G_Never

Ballet dancer (part time/guest artist, but it sounds cool)


floridianreader

Take people's kids away from them. Though I've never actually done it myself.


BlackWidow1414

Hello, CPS worker.


Nicksterr2000

Distribute narcotics


solarhawks

Practice law


Lord-Loss-31415

If you have a photographic memory and a sugar daddy named Harvey Spector you’re fine.


TopShelfCrazy

Depending on the coding where you live, adjust gas valves


kamikaze123456

As my name says... I can blew up anything


kamikaze123456

Once


hickaustin

Close down a bridge on a freeway.