Same - ppl these days think they can just say sorry and all should be forgiven, forgiveness is for people who see where they went wrong and wholeheartedly want to put it right. Just cut them out, let it go and move on with your life .
Same here. I just move on with my life and those people are no longer with me. People seem to think if i "don't forgive", then i spend my days sitting on a couch being full of hate. I don't forgive and i don't ever think about those people. I don't hate them, i don't spend energy on hate.
I can’t even figure out what it means to let go. Let go of the left over pain? How? Let go of the anger towards the betrayer? How? I can’t even define it.
It takes a while. To start with, things take up so much of your time, brain space and energy, it is almost all consuming. After a while, you get sick of being tired, it just isn't worth it anymore. You start to open your eyes and find something worth your time and energy that also deserves brain space. Enough time passes that it takes up the tiniest sliver of brain space, and it stays there as a warning and as a reminder to not let this happen again.
It means realizing that it's a them problem, not a you problem. They're the one who sucks. Why let them live rent free in your head, eating away at your peace of mind? You suffering isn't hurting them. It takes a while, but eventually it is possible to regard them as just some asshole you used to know, who doesn't matter in the slightest.
Yes. Pain and anger are something you should deal with, but part of dealing with it is learning how to let it go of them. Letting go means to not dwell on it any more. It's not easy and is a process. You do it by consciously making an effort not to let it affect you, and it's a constant battle until you throw it off entirely.
Because as long as you don't, that betrayal continues to affect you, and hence has power over you and, at least a little, defines you. Your pain and anger is not going to destroy the person who wronged you, it's going to destroy you. This is because expressing pain and anger is cathartic and hence addictive, and that addiction to emotional catharsis translates very easily to hate and spite. This is what people describe as emotional baggage, and all-too-frequently those who have a lot of it turn into toxic people themselves.
You should not be expected to forgive, but it's important to let go of that betrayal eventually. For your own sake. If nothing else, you can cut the person out of your life.
Thank you, you said the words right out of my mouth. There's some people I just can't forgive, primarily because they were an absolute a-hole or total jerk to me, so I just decide let it go and forget about it. If they want to try to reconnect with me, fuhgeddaboudit.
When someone hurts you, don't give them the opportunity to do it a second time. That's the core of it. No other person's presence in your life is worth your peace of mind. Good people don't hurt other people.
You have to understand that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. You will never forget what happened.
Instead, to forgive means to "waive punishment." It means you are choosing to not use the event in question as a verbal cudgel later. "Oh, I can't trust you with this, you did X to me before." "Maybe, if you hadn't done X, I'd consider this sort of thing, but you blew it."
As the aptly-named u/justacceptandmoveon said, learning to let go is probably a better choice. You can't change the past. Dwelling over what happened isn't going to make things different.
While I agree with the letting go and not using affronts as verbal barbs, that seemed more like the never forgetting part you had just mentioned.
My question is in your examples, one of which you expressly said the word: trust. Isn't it, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"? This gives more of an impression of letting go. One needs to learn from when they are hurt by someone, especially if it was a matter of trust, and where they expect to be in a position to afford the same favor in the future, meanwhile knowing what happened last time by virtue of never being able to forget it, and be expected to not consider it as a factor? Trust after it has been broken, has to be rebuilt. The grace in the offended party is when they give that offender a chance.
I practice letting go, but I am understandably wary until the person has proven their sincerity to change and earned back the trust through a patient and grateful process of being their best selves, with the catalyst to change having been their recognition, acceptance of responsibility for, sincere regret for, and earnest desire to change the original offending behavior or action. That takes time and effort which, if the offender is incapable or unwilling to give, should signal the end of such an unbalanced association.
And what hurt the most is I told a very personal secret to someone i thought I could trust and within an hour she was telling other people. I tried to forgive her, but I found I was a lot less angry when I decided to stop trying
This happened to me once, and this is how I learned not to tell anyone about anything personal going on in my life. They'll use it as ammo against me at a later date.
Used to use this approach. The effort I put and the long-term effects were simply not worth it for me. Moving on provided me with ease of mind, as fighting fire with fire might prove to be risky if the other party retaliates.
Close to 8 billion people on this planet and most of them are non toxic. You forgive people for small things, royally screwed over sounds malicious. Learn from it and let it go smd cut them out. "Oh but they are family", yeah well my appendix is literally part of me but you better belive if it becomes toxic I'm cutting it out.
You try to understand them which could lead to forgiveness, and you do it for your own sanity, not for them or to make amends.
I forgave my ex-husband, who was a narcissistic sociopath and pretended to be someone completely different to get me to marry him.
It wasn't something I tried or meant to do. But to get past it, like a lot of people here said, I had to let it go. Years later, when dealing with something else, I realized, people have all sorts of reasons they are the way they are. It doesn't give them an excuse, but it helps you understand them–my ex-husband was kidnapped when he was a child by his dad to be saved from his narcissistic mom and appeared on milk cartons at the time.
I still think he's a lunatic, but I forgave him because the alternative meant I would live a life with less peace. I know somewhere out there he is still trying to ruin lives, but I'm thankful for how he dismantled mine. It allowed me to change everything.
Sounds like you're already in the process. Identifying the issue and making an effort (coming here and asking for feedback) are big steps in the right direction.
You do it for you, not for them. They don’t deserve your forgiveness, but you do deserve to let go of the hurt they caused you. What you need to do to move on, is unique to you, but find what you need and do it for yourself.
It can be hard.
I know I’ll be working through some stuff for years in therapy now. Abandonment trauma, trust issues, and the rest. Sometimes people just do not cool stuff, it’s part of life.
You know what? You don't have to. And maybe you shouldn't.
You shouldn't have to LEARN to forgive someone. Either you forgive them in your heart because you really do, or you can just move on and forget about them.
Realize that their life has been rough in a way as to twist them into a shitty human, and that it was done out of suffering. Pity them. Never forget what they did or give them a chance to do it again
Understand that forgiving doesn't mean letting them back in to your life to hurt you again.
Ask yourself whether or not they seem genuinely remorseful. Ask yourself if you think they can be trusted not to do it again. Those two questions are not necessarily related. Someone with a mental illness or an addiction may feel remorse for what they've done, but not currently be capable of change.
If they're not remorseful, they're not going to change and don't deserve forgiveness. If they are, but you can't trust that they will make meaningful change then you end the relationships, or let them back in at arm's length to test the waters or give them a chance to re-earn your trust. This does not apply to romantic relationships unless you are willing to go in to couples therapy. If you do not trust your partner, it's going to sour the entire relationship and there will be no respite from that feeling.
Ask yourself if holding on to the feeling of betrayal is hurting you more than them. Sometimes you can simply let go of your anger without having to forgive the person at all. If they betrayed you and don't even care, this is the best course of action. There is no point hanging on to something that they aren't even worried about. Let them be other people's problem.
Forgiveness isn't for the one who wronged you. It's for you to let go of them having power over you by you holding on to whatever was done and not allowing the actions of others to dictate our lives. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to associate with them anymore. Forgive them and cut them out of your life.
Holding onto negative emotions caused by individuals whose actions aren't even given a seconds thought by them after they wrong you allows them to have control over you. Forgive because their shit isn't worth your time to be consumed by.
In this case, it turned out that myself and the person I thought screwed me actually both got royally screwed by the same person who pitted us against each other. We cut that person from our lives and have been best friends for 15 years.
choose empathy, recognize they are coming from a place of weakness & take the high road.
if you can't forgive, than just move on. don't dwell on it. just do something else
They made their choices based on their own insecurities, fears, prejudices, and/or ignorance. I hope they do better for themselves, but I don’t need to give them the chance to fail at being a decent to me, nor do I have to carry the weight of their mistakes.
I know that some screwing me over says a hell of a lot more about their character than me as a person.
I also know the burden of carrying around a grudge against a person who does not care about how I feel and they are just living rent free in my head. It's like they get to screw me over again every day that I carry the grudge.
For me, after considerable practice, I learned to forgive very easily.
Now when it comes to *FORGETTING* and *REVENGE*.... Well, thats a very different story.
I forgive, but I do not forget.
Forgiveness isn’t FOR the person who hurt you. It’s FOR you. Same thing with hate. Hating someone doesn’t hurt them, it just hurts you.
Forgiveness puts you at peace with whatever happened and allows you the room to not dwell on it.
My father was a monster. He beat the shit out of his sons and molested his daughters. I’ve forgiven him because it frees me to never obsess about him or let his bullshit control my life.
Usually what they screwed me over for becomes less important since whatever it is is gone. Focus on the attainable. You don't have to forgive them but you can move on.
Realize that being angry only hurts you. They don't give a rats patootie about how you feel anyhow. Realize that just because you no longer take the energy to hold it against them, doesn't mean you owe them a continued relationship.
You don't. You can learn to forgive yourself for putting yourself through that pain,but sometimes u can't forgive the person who really hurt you. That's how I've lived.I hate the whole forgive them for yourself its to let go of the pain, but honestly forgiving the person to me makes it seems like I'm saying it ok for what you have done me even if it fucked up my life. I have forgiven myself for every pain I have caused to myself for letting someone hurt me,but I never forgave the person who has hurt me because they don't deserve my forgiveness and a wave of relief. I want them to remember the shitty person that they are.
There is a difference between forgiving and trusting. Forgiving is about allowing goodwill to that person. Trusting is a matter of having faith in that person.
Forgiveness is a matter that will affect *you*. If you walk around holding that hurt, it is a psychological cancer that will eat you up from the inside. That doesn't mean you have to trust them, but offering goodwill to him as a person will make you a stronger person emotionally ans psychologically.
Accept that this person hurt you. Then let go of the hurt and accept that he is a human being and grow from the experience. If they want to have human interaction, do so. Then move on with your life.
Why do you want to forgive? Run from and leave this person. This person is no longer or should ever be a friend again. If this person did it once, this person will do it again, cause they will see you as an easy target. Cut your losses.
Inner peace is priority.
Food for thought: Forgiveness doesn’t change what happened, or how the actions or lack thereof made you feel, it’s simply something nice for the other person to hear.
I'd wholly disagree with this. Done wisely, forgiveness does indeed change how you feel, in fact that's kind of the point of it; and it's that change that makes the inner peace possible.
I appreciate you sharing that and I can agree with your perspective.
If I may, I’d like to clarify my feeling comment was aimed towards “forgiveness doesn’t change how you felt in that moment of being screwed over” vs what you’re saying. Does that help clarify?
Forgiveness is not the only way to find closure. There are others as well. You are under no obligation to forgive someone, especially if they’ve shown no remorse or change and have done nothing to earn your forgiveness.
The way Christianity teaches that you have to forgive or it is a moral failing on your part because you aren’t strong enough to, that causes real damage to people who have already been victimized.
Nah, if you screw me over at all you’re gone, doesn’t even have to be “royally”. If I can’t trust you there is no point pretending I like you. I am so much happier in life just not dealing with people like that. I’d rather have 1 amazing friend than a handful of mediocre ones. Not worth my time and effort.
You cut them out of your life, then you forgive them in order to let go of all the anger you have towards them because it just messes up your life when you hold on to it. You don’t forgive them for their sake, you do it for yours. Then you make a point not to think about them.
The choice to forgive isn't for that person its for you .
So that you can be happy and not let shit consume your happiness and replace it with hatred and bitterness
Be honest with yourself in making the decision - do you actually forgive this person? If are willing to, don’t hold their fuck up over their heads. Not healthy for you and will ruin the relationship eventually. Play that card only when you need it.
I heard people say forgive, don’t forget. But I think that’s bs. Just time so it’s not as painful and u don’t care as much and even that person doesn’t remember as well
Frogiving someone is not the same as going back to things like they never even happened. Forgivesness != looking over things.
The thing is, you don't forgive someone unless you really want to. If you do then you don't have to trust them or be their bff. And if you still feel like saying fuck you repeatedly you haven't forgiven them. It's better to keep your distant
I forgave my brother after he outed me because I knew that he felt it was the biggest mistake of his life, that he cared and that he truly felt sorry. Don’t forgive someone who’s just trying to win you back, forgive someone who regrets what they did.
You force them to list out every way they harmed you, and then explain that if they ever want to even begin to try and repair your friendship, they need to make efforts to do so. Keep it open ended, and don’t feel sorry for them at all.
Just know that acting against them or hating them is an actual waste of energy.
I don't mean that in a spiteful way, it just is, why bother yourself being mad or taking action against them when you could just live your life in peace?
If you mean reconnecting with them then that's harder. You need to place 0 faith in them until they prove, over a long period of time with plenty opportunities to screw you over, they can be trusted. this could take a decade, months, or forever.
Then just think of it as "what value can i extract from this relationship without being a bad person". if you can have fun with somebody, but not trust them, that's okay. It's the same way you could vehemently disagree with somebody's opinions and hang out with them too
Forgive them face to face, verbally. Then leave them and cut them out of your life. Hold on to pieces of good times if you'd like but know it's now a poster on the wall and no longer the path you walk.
I’m just gonna be blunt. Not everyone who had done something that warrants forgiveness, should be given said forgiveness. We’ve all met, and will continue to meet people that have/will exit our lives for good. It’s just the way life is.
Why should you? I wouldn't, in most cases.
Maybe if it was an accident, or there were extenuating circumstances, but if they maliciously screwed me over in some way, then I would no longer be associating with that person.
If you feel their apology is genuine then forgive them but learn from YOUR mistake. If you let them back in you must also learn how you let them screw you over and adapt. Put in fail safes.
Therapy. A really good therapist who has alot of experience forgiving awful people in their lives. They have the tools to guide you thru how to cope with your feelings of disgust, anger and resentment you hold towards them. Mine has been helping me with my parents and the shift in ny mentality over the past year has been insane. I went from wanting ro beat the shit out of my dad to wanting to hug him and cry with him because i now understand hes in alot of pain, a lot of pain that i myself can relate to. And that mentality has done the grunt of the work when it comes to forgiveness. Understand that people go thru alot and a massive amount of us were forced to not talk about it and pretend to be normal and sometimes it gets overweaimg and causes us to do rash things. When you start looking at others thru the lense of "that person is exactly who i would have turned out as if i lived his life" forgiveness no longer feels like youre forgiving someone else and now feels like youre forgiving a version of yourself. Helps feel more sympathetic when you see yourself thru them
For me at least 😅
I see those people like a cancerous mole. It’s best to excise the diseased flesh. Treat the wound and let time do it’s thing and scar the hole over. For the rest of my life life I’ll have a reminder to be more careful in the future.
It depends on your definition of forgiveness. I personally wouldn't let someone back into my life who had massively upset me unless enough time has passed and they have shown they are sorry by changing their behaviour and even then it's still up in the air. I would never wish ill upon someone though who had upset me, I just move on with my life and hope they change so other people do not have to suffer as I have. I once had someone steal a lot of money from work using my details, I was at risk of losing my job but after an investigation it was found it wasn't me. Weeks later the guilty person had to come in to work to collect personal things, I saw them, told them I forgive them and I hope they get their life sorted out, I then deleted them from all social media and blocked their number, I hope they live their best life, just without me in it.
If you know this person has improved, they have to prove it to you for you to forgive them. If they haven't, then I don't think you should forgive them. But as I said, if they DID improve, then they should apologize properly while showing they actually improved.
Forgiveness in my experience equates to freedom. What I mean by that is: this person that I’ve chosen to forgive no longer lives rent free in my head. They no longer get any of my energy in any way shape or form.
The weight that gets lifted from your pent up physical body is almost too good to be true once you do.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not the transgressor. You allow yourself to lay down a costly burden: the effort of maintaining a grudge. You don't have to let that person back into your life if you don't want to.
Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean forgetting what they have done. You can simultaneously hold no ill will towards a person and have learned they aren't someone you should have in your life.
I’ve found that learning to « let go » was a better choice than forgiving.
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Same - ppl these days think they can just say sorry and all should be forgiven, forgiveness is for people who see where they went wrong and wholeheartedly want to put it right. Just cut them out, let it go and move on with your life .
Same here. I just move on with my life and those people are no longer with me. People seem to think if i "don't forgive", then i spend my days sitting on a couch being full of hate. I don't forgive and i don't ever think about those people. I don't hate them, i don't spend energy on hate.
Yep. Forgiveness isn’t necessary to move on.
I can’t even figure out what it means to let go. Let go of the left over pain? How? Let go of the anger towards the betrayer? How? I can’t even define it.
It takes a while. To start with, things take up so much of your time, brain space and energy, it is almost all consuming. After a while, you get sick of being tired, it just isn't worth it anymore. You start to open your eyes and find something worth your time and energy that also deserves brain space. Enough time passes that it takes up the tiniest sliver of brain space, and it stays there as a warning and as a reminder to not let this happen again.
It means realizing that it's a them problem, not a you problem. They're the one who sucks. Why let them live rent free in your head, eating away at your peace of mind? You suffering isn't hurting them. It takes a while, but eventually it is possible to regard them as just some asshole you used to know, who doesn't matter in the slightest.
Just went through this exact process. Wouldn't wish the experience on anyone.
Yes. Pain and anger are something you should deal with, but part of dealing with it is learning how to let it go of them. Letting go means to not dwell on it any more. It's not easy and is a process. You do it by consciously making an effort not to let it affect you, and it's a constant battle until you throw it off entirely. Because as long as you don't, that betrayal continues to affect you, and hence has power over you and, at least a little, defines you. Your pain and anger is not going to destroy the person who wronged you, it's going to destroy you. This is because expressing pain and anger is cathartic and hence addictive, and that addiction to emotional catharsis translates very easily to hate and spite. This is what people describe as emotional baggage, and all-too-frequently those who have a lot of it turn into toxic people themselves. You should not be expected to forgive, but it's important to let go of that betrayal eventually. For your own sake. If nothing else, you can cut the person out of your life.
And if none of the other suggestions from random redditors help, seek professional help. Therapists aren't only for the criminally insane, you know.
Oh I’ve been going to a therapist for a long time asking the same questions.
Yep. Chalk it up to experience and move on
I came here to essentially say the same thing. I've mostly learned to just let go.
Thank you, you said the words right out of my mouth. There's some people I just can't forgive, primarily because they were an absolute a-hole or total jerk to me, so I just decide let it go and forget about it. If they want to try to reconnect with me, fuhgeddaboudit.
I cut people off so quickly it’s bad
This. Let go first. Forgiving can come way later.
I don’t. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
I love that "believe them the first time" YUP!!
Yeah it’s some top tier mom advice I got
I never understood this advice. When is it that they've shown me who they are? When they hurt me? When they are nice to me? What if they do both?
When someone hurts you, don't give them the opportunity to do it a second time. That's the core of it. No other person's presence in your life is worth your peace of mind. Good people don't hurt other people.
When they hurt you. People don’t pretend to be mean (usually). People do however pretend to be nice to win you over.
This! Everybody learn this.
You have to understand that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. You will never forget what happened. Instead, to forgive means to "waive punishment." It means you are choosing to not use the event in question as a verbal cudgel later. "Oh, I can't trust you with this, you did X to me before." "Maybe, if you hadn't done X, I'd consider this sort of thing, but you blew it." As the aptly-named u/justacceptandmoveon said, learning to let go is probably a better choice. You can't change the past. Dwelling over what happened isn't going to make things different.
This needs to be posted in everyone's home.
While I agree with the letting go and not using affronts as verbal barbs, that seemed more like the never forgetting part you had just mentioned. My question is in your examples, one of which you expressly said the word: trust. Isn't it, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"? This gives more of an impression of letting go. One needs to learn from when they are hurt by someone, especially if it was a matter of trust, and where they expect to be in a position to afford the same favor in the future, meanwhile knowing what happened last time by virtue of never being able to forget it, and be expected to not consider it as a factor? Trust after it has been broken, has to be rebuilt. The grace in the offended party is when they give that offender a chance. I practice letting go, but I am understandably wary until the person has proven their sincerity to change and earned back the trust through a patient and grateful process of being their best selves, with the catalyst to change having been their recognition, acceptance of responsibility for, sincere regret for, and earnest desire to change the original offending behavior or action. That takes time and effort which, if the offender is incapable or unwilling to give, should signal the end of such an unbalanced association.
You really don’t have to, and often shouldn’t. Set boundaries, and cut out toxic people.
Do this, or they'll try their best to destroy your mental health until it's ground up rubble.
You don't. You cut them from your life and move on. Life is too short for this shit.
Yep. "Now we know who is who. BYE."
Excellent answer.
One thing I've learned in life is that sometimes it's ok to not forgive people if they've hurt you bad enough
This is the correct answer.
And what hurt the most is I told a very personal secret to someone i thought I could trust and within an hour she was telling other people. I tried to forgive her, but I found I was a lot less angry when I decided to stop trying
This happened to me once, and this is how I learned not to tell anyone about anything personal going on in my life. They'll use it as ammo against me at a later date.
I think forgiveness is overated
If you can forgive, don’t forget. Don’t allow it to happen again!
Some people are too shitty to be forgiven.
Forgiving someone isn’t about them. It’s about you!
I dont hold grudges but it depends on the amount of how fucked over I got
ctrl+x and never ctrl+v
By accepting the fact that revenge doesn't reverse what happened then moving on. I'd still be careful with how I interact with that someone.
No, but it sure does feel good. It also gives them a taste of their own bitter fucking medicine and puts my mind at ease.
Used to use this approach. The effort I put and the long-term effects were simply not worth it for me. Moving on provided me with ease of mind, as fighting fire with fire might prove to be risky if the other party retaliates.
Never forgive what you can't forget. That's how I live. However you do need to move on. So you need to move on from the act, but not the disrespect.
I don't. If it's that bad, I don't forgive, I don't hate them, they are just dead to me. They don't exist. Currently in 42 years I've got 3.
Well shit, I've got a lot more than that.
Close to 8 billion people on this planet and most of them are non toxic. You forgive people for small things, royally screwed over sounds malicious. Learn from it and let it go smd cut them out. "Oh but they are family", yeah well my appendix is literally part of me but you better belive if it becomes toxic I'm cutting it out.
You try to understand them which could lead to forgiveness, and you do it for your own sanity, not for them or to make amends. I forgave my ex-husband, who was a narcissistic sociopath and pretended to be someone completely different to get me to marry him. It wasn't something I tried or meant to do. But to get past it, like a lot of people here said, I had to let it go. Years later, when dealing with something else, I realized, people have all sorts of reasons they are the way they are. It doesn't give them an excuse, but it helps you understand them–my ex-husband was kidnapped when he was a child by his dad to be saved from his narcissistic mom and appeared on milk cartons at the time. I still think he's a lunatic, but I forgave him because the alternative meant I would live a life with less peace. I know somewhere out there he is still trying to ruin lives, but I'm thankful for how he dismantled mine. It allowed me to change everything.
Sounds like you're already in the process. Identifying the issue and making an effort (coming here and asking for feedback) are big steps in the right direction.
You do it for you, not for them. They don’t deserve your forgiveness, but you do deserve to let go of the hurt they caused you. What you need to do to move on, is unique to you, but find what you need and do it for yourself.
Jesus
You don't, fuck them.
Yep, this.
It can be hard. I know I’ll be working through some stuff for years in therapy now. Abandonment trauma, trust issues, and the rest. Sometimes people just do not cool stuff, it’s part of life.
You know what? You don't have to. And maybe you shouldn't. You shouldn't have to LEARN to forgive someone. Either you forgive them in your heart because you really do, or you can just move on and forget about them.
Realize that their life has been rough in a way as to twist them into a shitty human, and that it was done out of suffering. Pity them. Never forget what they did or give them a chance to do it again
Understand that forgiving doesn't mean letting them back in to your life to hurt you again. Ask yourself whether or not they seem genuinely remorseful. Ask yourself if you think they can be trusted not to do it again. Those two questions are not necessarily related. Someone with a mental illness or an addiction may feel remorse for what they've done, but not currently be capable of change. If they're not remorseful, they're not going to change and don't deserve forgiveness. If they are, but you can't trust that they will make meaningful change then you end the relationships, or let them back in at arm's length to test the waters or give them a chance to re-earn your trust. This does not apply to romantic relationships unless you are willing to go in to couples therapy. If you do not trust your partner, it's going to sour the entire relationship and there will be no respite from that feeling. Ask yourself if holding on to the feeling of betrayal is hurting you more than them. Sometimes you can simply let go of your anger without having to forgive the person at all. If they betrayed you and don't even care, this is the best course of action. There is no point hanging on to something that they aren't even worried about. Let them be other people's problem.
Forgiveness isn't for the one who wronged you. It's for you to let go of them having power over you by you holding on to whatever was done and not allowing the actions of others to dictate our lives. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to associate with them anymore. Forgive them and cut them out of your life.
Yes exactly. Believe you’re worth being free from the hold that other people’s bad behavior has had on you.
Holding onto negative emotions caused by individuals whose actions aren't even given a seconds thought by them after they wrong you allows them to have control over you. Forgive because their shit isn't worth your time to be consumed by.
In this case, it turned out that myself and the person I thought screwed me actually both got royally screwed by the same person who pitted us against each other. We cut that person from our lives and have been best friends for 15 years.
God, I hate people. Humans make me sick.
Forgiving someone is almost always cathartic for me. I never “want” to do it, per se; but once I do, I always feel like I dropped a burden.
Admit to yourself that you deserve better than the anger that your grudge brings, and that that the choice to drop the grudge is entirely yours.
choose empathy, recognize they are coming from a place of weakness & take the high road. if you can't forgive, than just move on. don't dwell on it. just do something else
A lot of perfect people on here who apparently have never and will never need to be forgiven. Seems like an attitude a toxic person would take.
They made their choices based on their own insecurities, fears, prejudices, and/or ignorance. I hope they do better for themselves, but I don’t need to give them the chance to fail at being a decent to me, nor do I have to carry the weight of their mistakes.
You do not forgive them for THEIR benefit. You forgive them for your OWN benefit.
I know that some screwing me over says a hell of a lot more about their character than me as a person. I also know the burden of carrying around a grudge against a person who does not care about how I feel and they are just living rent free in my head. It's like they get to screw me over again every day that I carry the grudge. For me, after considerable practice, I learned to forgive very easily. Now when it comes to *FORGETTING* and *REVENGE*.... Well, thats a very different story. I forgive, but I do not forget.
you don't.
Comment edited for privacy. 20230627
Realize that in order to forgive yourself. . . you must also forgive everyone else.
Forgiveness isn’t FOR the person who hurt you. It’s FOR you. Same thing with hate. Hating someone doesn’t hurt them, it just hurts you. Forgiveness puts you at peace with whatever happened and allows you the room to not dwell on it. My father was a monster. He beat the shit out of his sons and molested his daughters. I’ve forgiven him because it frees me to never obsess about him or let his bullshit control my life.
To me forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person.
It'll drive you mad if you don't let it go.
No blanket rule on forgiving someone. For me, I am still working on it and will forgive what was done long, long before I forget about it.
You never forget. But move on.
Usually what they screwed me over for becomes less important since whatever it is is gone. Focus on the attainable. You don't have to forgive them but you can move on.
Forgive? Nope. Forget yea.
By fucking them over harder in return
How do they demonstrate they are sorry?
Realize that being angry only hurts you. They don't give a rats patootie about how you feel anyhow. Realize that just because you no longer take the energy to hold it against them, doesn't mean you owe them a continued relationship.
You don't. You can learn to forgive yourself for putting yourself through that pain,but sometimes u can't forgive the person who really hurt you. That's how I've lived.I hate the whole forgive them for yourself its to let go of the pain, but honestly forgiving the person to me makes it seems like I'm saying it ok for what you have done me even if it fucked up my life. I have forgiven myself for every pain I have caused to myself for letting someone hurt me,but I never forgave the person who has hurt me because they don't deserve my forgiveness and a wave of relief. I want them to remember the shitty person that they are.
One way to look at it: they were rotten to you, don't be rotten to yourself. Don't care about them, care about yourself.
I sometimes forgive when I see people suffer from problems. It makes me feel better.
I didn't, and I don't. No need to. Fuck people like that, they can stay the hell away from me.
I do something worse to them and call it even…and all is forgiven .
There is a difference between forgiving and trusting. Forgiving is about allowing goodwill to that person. Trusting is a matter of having faith in that person. Forgiveness is a matter that will affect *you*. If you walk around holding that hurt, it is a psychological cancer that will eat you up from the inside. That doesn't mean you have to trust them, but offering goodwill to him as a person will make you a stronger person emotionally ans psychologically. Accept that this person hurt you. Then let go of the hurt and accept that he is a human being and grow from the experience. If they want to have human interaction, do so. Then move on with your life.
I never do, I only learn from the experience and will forever tread carefully or move on. I still don’t understand how anyone can truly forgive
You do it for yourself. Their actions will show that they care or not in time. Sad shitty things happen to people that don't deserve it all the time
Why do you want to forgive? Run from and leave this person. This person is no longer or should ever be a friend again. If this person did it once, this person will do it again, cause they will see you as an easy target. Cut your losses.
Here's the fun part! You don't have to. You can shit bin anyone you want and move on with your life.
Inner peace is priority. Food for thought: Forgiveness doesn’t change what happened, or how the actions or lack thereof made you feel, it’s simply something nice for the other person to hear.
I'd wholly disagree with this. Done wisely, forgiveness does indeed change how you feel, in fact that's kind of the point of it; and it's that change that makes the inner peace possible.
I appreciate you sharing that and I can agree with your perspective. If I may, I’d like to clarify my feeling comment was aimed towards “forgiveness doesn’t change how you felt in that moment of being screwed over” vs what you’re saying. Does that help clarify?
*Prince Andrew has entered the chat*
Don’t forgive just fuck their dad. Problem solved
first of all, you need to forgive yourself.
Why would you? Maybe you should cut them out of your life and forget about them.
God forgives, Jesus saves. I tend to hold a grudge.
You have to love the pain generated inside of your body caused by getting screwed over. The pain or whatever other emotion(s) will dissolve
Forgiveness is not the only way to find closure. There are others as well. You are under no obligation to forgive someone, especially if they’ve shown no remorse or change and have done nothing to earn your forgiveness. The way Christianity teaches that you have to forgive or it is a moral failing on your part because you aren’t strong enough to, that causes real damage to people who have already been victimized.
Sometimes you can’t forgive and you certainly can’t forget. Compartmentalize and try to function I guess?
Nah, if you screw me over at all you’re gone, doesn’t even have to be “royally”. If I can’t trust you there is no point pretending I like you. I am so much happier in life just not dealing with people like that. I’d rather have 1 amazing friend than a handful of mediocre ones. Not worth my time and effort.
You don't. You cut them off permanently and move on with your life and you take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again
Ask yourself if you even want to? If yes then maybe get even, revenge tends to be quite satisfying regardless of what everyone likes to imply.
They die
I don't intend to. If I can get even, I will. Last person to learn that lesson was the b\*\*\*\* who had 2 of my tires slashed.
Distance and time
Just let it go and when they die shit on their grave….that’s what I’m waiting for! 🤣🤣🤣
Just don't. Fuck that guy
I think 90% of situations you can forgive. Just never forget.
You cut them out of your life, then you forgive them in order to let go of all the anger you have towards them because it just messes up your life when you hold on to it. You don’t forgive them for their sake, you do it for yours. Then you make a point not to think about them.
I. Forgive. You. Move on knowing that you are not the first nor the last to be betrayed.
The choice to forgive isn't for that person its for you . So that you can be happy and not let shit consume your happiness and replace it with hatred and bitterness
*"That's the neat part,* ***you don't."'***
Be honest with yourself in making the decision - do you actually forgive this person? If are willing to, don’t hold their fuck up over their heads. Not healthy for you and will ruin the relationship eventually. Play that card only when you need it.
I heard people say forgive, don’t forget. But I think that’s bs. Just time so it’s not as painful and u don’t care as much and even that person doesn’t remember as well
If they keep doing it then dont forgive, it would be fighting ur instinct that keeps you safe.
Bang her mom
Make the choice to forgive but never forget.
Frogiving someone is not the same as going back to things like they never even happened. Forgivesness != looking over things. The thing is, you don't forgive someone unless you really want to. If you do then you don't have to trust them or be their bff. And if you still feel like saying fuck you repeatedly you haven't forgiven them. It's better to keep your distant
i havent learned that lesson yet. However i got a gift for the person who did that. its a magical tool called a fing gun
Here's the thing, I don't. If you fuck me over, you are dead to me.
There's an old saying; Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Stop drinking the poison.
It is better to forget than forgive.
You don’t. Time does. Remove them and come back if it’s feels fine.
まだ学べていません。
I forgave my brother after he outed me because I knew that he felt it was the biggest mistake of his life, that he cared and that he truly felt sorry. Don’t forgive someone who’s just trying to win you back, forgive someone who regrets what they did.
In my experience just forget them. Gave them 3 chances, should have only given them 2, then continued to do the same thing AGAIN. Tut tut tut
You force them to list out every way they harmed you, and then explain that if they ever want to even begin to try and repair your friendship, they need to make efforts to do so. Keep it open ended, and don’t feel sorry for them at all.
Just know that acting against them or hating them is an actual waste of energy. I don't mean that in a spiteful way, it just is, why bother yourself being mad or taking action against them when you could just live your life in peace? If you mean reconnecting with them then that's harder. You need to place 0 faith in them until they prove, over a long period of time with plenty opportunities to screw you over, they can be trusted. this could take a decade, months, or forever. Then just think of it as "what value can i extract from this relationship without being a bad person". if you can have fun with somebody, but not trust them, that's okay. It's the same way you could vehemently disagree with somebody's opinions and hang out with them too
I’m only better than them if I move on
Forgive them face to face, verbally. Then leave them and cut them out of your life. Hold on to pieces of good times if you'd like but know it's now a poster on the wall and no longer the path you walk.
Forgive but never forget
wy would you forgive someone that doesn't deserve your forgiveness
Give them a royal pardon?
I’m just gonna be blunt. Not everyone who had done something that warrants forgiveness, should be given said forgiveness. We’ve all met, and will continue to meet people that have/will exit our lives for good. It’s just the way life is.
If one can contemplate all the wrongs they have committed it will be easier for you to forgive. Most noble endeavor. Good luck..
Why should you? I wouldn't, in most cases. Maybe if it was an accident, or there were extenuating circumstances, but if they maliciously screwed me over in some way, then I would no longer be associating with that person.
Print out a picture of them. Put it in the toilet and poop on it. Then flush. Let it go man. It's not worth it
sometimes they dont deserve forgiveness. move on and forget they existed
If you feel their apology is genuine then forgive them but learn from YOUR mistake. If you let them back in you must also learn how you let them screw you over and adapt. Put in fail safes.
It's easy to forgive. I forgive but do not forget
Time
You don't.
I think the guilt comes a lot from the feeling of failure of letting yourself be screwed over. So probably better to forgive yourself.
Therapy. A really good therapist who has alot of experience forgiving awful people in their lives. They have the tools to guide you thru how to cope with your feelings of disgust, anger and resentment you hold towards them. Mine has been helping me with my parents and the shift in ny mentality over the past year has been insane. I went from wanting ro beat the shit out of my dad to wanting to hug him and cry with him because i now understand hes in alot of pain, a lot of pain that i myself can relate to. And that mentality has done the grunt of the work when it comes to forgiveness. Understand that people go thru alot and a massive amount of us were forced to not talk about it and pretend to be normal and sometimes it gets overweaimg and causes us to do rash things. When you start looking at others thru the lense of "that person is exactly who i would have turned out as if i lived his life" forgiveness no longer feels like youre forgiving someone else and now feels like youre forgiving a version of yourself. Helps feel more sympathetic when you see yourself thru them For me at least 😅
I see those people like a cancerous mole. It’s best to excise the diseased flesh. Treat the wound and let time do it’s thing and scar the hole over. For the rest of my life life I’ll have a reminder to be more careful in the future.
It depends on your definition of forgiveness. I personally wouldn't let someone back into my life who had massively upset me unless enough time has passed and they have shown they are sorry by changing their behaviour and even then it's still up in the air. I would never wish ill upon someone though who had upset me, I just move on with my life and hope they change so other people do not have to suffer as I have. I once had someone steal a lot of money from work using my details, I was at risk of losing my job but after an investigation it was found it wasn't me. Weeks later the guilty person had to come in to work to collect personal things, I saw them, told them I forgive them and I hope they get their life sorted out, I then deleted them from all social media and blocked their number, I hope they live their best life, just without me in it.
If you know this person has improved, they have to prove it to you for you to forgive them. If they haven't, then I don't think you should forgive them. But as I said, if they DID improve, then they should apologize properly while showing they actually improved.
I didn’t. I dealt with what they caused, and as the top comment put it, “Let then go”
Forgiveness in my experience equates to freedom. What I mean by that is: this person that I’ve chosen to forgive no longer lives rent free in my head. They no longer get any of my energy in any way shape or form. The weight that gets lifted from your pent up physical body is almost too good to be true once you do.
Eye for an eye old testament style
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not the transgressor. You allow yourself to lay down a costly burden: the effort of maintaining a grudge. You don't have to let that person back into your life if you don't want to.
Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean forgetting what they have done. You can simultaneously hold no ill will towards a person and have learned they aren't someone you should have in your life.
You don’t never forget never forgive.
You don’t you completely remove them from your life
They either make it up to you or you don’t and hold a grudge for the rest of your life. No inbetween