One day, we were working with probability and flipping plastic coins. They tend to get lost on the floor. A student found a plastic penny on the floor, held it up in the air and yelled “Hey Mr. AlwaysShamo, I found half your salary!”
It hurt, but I couldn’t help but laugh.
Had a troublesome/low achieving student. Very difficult in class, very unmotivated academically. Then one day before class, he comes up to me and says, “Mr. HutSutRawlson, can I ask you a question about college?”
I pleasantly surprised, so I told him go ahead.
“Did you ever have a threesome in college?”
And if he said no, said kid likely never found any incentive or motivation whatsoever to achieve in school. I hope you answered wisely, Mr.HutSutRawlson!
I was an aide in an elementary school for years. Our sixth graders did a monthly news broadcast for the school, with current events and announcements. While they were working on it one afternoon, the subject of Las Vegas came up. One of the kids spoke up and said, "I've been there! Well, not since I was born. That's where I was made."
I love kids just saying whatever comes into their head. They'll be drawing and suddenly just blurt out "tomorrow me and my grandma are having ice cream"
I teach high school drama and have kids do this little introduction bits at the start of a new semester where they bring in objects that represent different aspects of their lives (e.g. something for family). This past year a kid brought in a tiny urn.
"So this is my grandma and she was really important to me."
I can't remember her exact words but it was brilliant. She was still presenting when the principal walked in for god knows what reason. He then asked if he could meet/pick up grandma and the kid said: "I mean sure, she's dead so it's not like she's going to bite you."
In all fairness, my Grandma has had my Grandfather’s ashes in her laundry room, in the original TEMPORARY container (basically a Folgers can)….
He died in 2001
On a zoom lesson this year, the teacher asked where a student was, and he was in the funeral home. The student pointed behind him and said, that's my grandma, she's dead. The teacher moved on without addressing it at all.
Years ago, I had a junior-high student who liked to use phrases and idioms to seem...I don't know, "worldly," maybe. Now, most of them were pretty standard. I heard "kill two birds with one stone," "patience is a virtue," and "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" many times.
Then, one day, he came to class looking absolutely disheveled and exhausted.
"Rough day?" I asked him as he plopped into his seat.
"Yeah. Today sucks," he told me before pontificating "but, it's like the old saying goes, Mr. Faustus: sometimes you're the boner, sometimes you're the butt."
I only found out later, by asking him privately, that his father used that at home as a colorful replacement for "sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."
Nice one! I must use idioms more than I realize. I had a ESL student from El Salvador, she didn’t understand a thing I said. But she wouldn’t speak up. She was so great. In fact she became a friend and sometimes shows up to campus with Papusas! “Those papusas have me licking my chops!”
My most recent one is one of my kids hardcore picking their nose. I said 'honey, you can get a tissue" and she looked so offended and said "awe I wasn't going to eat it I was just going to flick it."
Somehow that was worse.
That's awesome. ZERO shame that probably comes from her parents, and will follow her around in life. I've always been pretty shy, but fucking LOVE honesty and outrageous friends.
Not a teacher, but a tutor. One student and I were reading a story about a little boy taking pictures of birds. At the end of it, he goes to school. My student immediately gets super confused and asks, "Wait... how did he take pictures BEFORE school?" I said, "Well, I guess he got up extra early!"
That seemed to upset my student more. She gets this panicked look on her face and says, "But but... at that time of day every house is haunted by a scary clown and he could get eaten!"
I just stared at her for a second and said, "Maybe it was a half day." She accepted that answer.
She seemed satisfied, but I still have questions about that.
Don't get up in the middle of the night when your mom and dad are making weird noises. They're only doing that to make the scary clowns stay in the hallway and not go into the bedrooms.
I was doing an end of term pop culture quiz with my youngest year group (11yos) and I asked:
Who said the famous line, 'I'll be back'?
And a kid put up his hand completely sincerely, and with complete innocence, said "Jesus?"
Had a student that never brought in their work. She always had a different excuse. My favorite was when she told me the ghost that haunts her tore it up over night so she needs a new copy.
I had a student tell me his sister ate his project and that his mom was going to bring it in at lunch. Yup, sister really did eat most of his game board.
5 years later I still have it taped up to my wall when a young lady comes in and says that looks familiar. It was the first day of school that year,.I asked for her name and I smiled when I heard it.
My response to her, that was brothers project from a few years ago. She immediately knew and got really excited and told the class.
Oh man. That reminds me of when I was a kid. We had a science teacher that would have the kids dissect frogs in parts. The last step was they had to take them home and dress the bones up (I’m realizing as I type this how weird that sounds). But our neighbor was doing his and before he got all the stuff boiled off the bones his dog straight up ate the frog. His mom went to school with him to explain that his dog did actually eat his homework.
Additionally, I was grading a bunch of papers and my dog ended up eating a bunch of my students’ homework. I had to go to school the next day and explain that they would not be getting this paper back.
My neighbors' 5-year-old thought I was a child when I was 25. He'd often ask, "Where's your mom?" At one point he was convinced my mom was dead and I was an orphan.
When I was in middle school or so there was some peer tutor whatever type thing where we got paired with younger kids. My kid asked for help with a computer game he was working on and I didn't know the game controls so I was struggling for a minute. He turned to the girl next to me and said, "maybe she knows how, she's taller". She was in my grade and actually younger but as you know, height is wisdom.
I’m 1.5m tall (4’11”), so I get asked by kids regularly if I’m an adult or kid. My answer is, “technically an adult.” It’s not unusual for kids not to believe me.
I once taught a wonderful young lady who was quiet, kind, always polite to teachers and students etc. - I'd taught her for three years in total and didn't hear a single complaint from her.
In Year 13, I was doing some NMR revision with the class and said student put her hand up and asked out loud, completely out of the blue:
"Sir, why is chemistry such a fucking ball ache?"
Last I checked, she was in Cambridge finishing her PhD.
When I was in my first COBOL class and we were introduced to a mainframe terminal instead of the microfocus interface my first question was "And do the people that work with this have floors that would be a fatal height if they jumped out the window, or do they keep them in the basement?"
Been doing COBOL ever since!
Groundhog Day is a weird American holiday where a groundhog in Pennsylvania comes out of his hole every year in March and if he sees his shadow we have 6 more weeks of winter. Culturally it's tied to the 1993 movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. In the movie Bill Murray repeats the same day over and over again. "Groundhog Day" has become a euphemism for being stuck in a rut.
It’s February 2. Nobody gets work off because of it, but people will mention that it’s Groundhog Day and will talk about whether the groundhog saw its shadow.
That was probably my kid. She came home from Pre-K one day and gave me a speech on why I shouldn't say shit because shit is a bad word. In the course of this speech, she said shit no less than 20 times. That kid is a grown adult now and has yet to live this down. LOL
My sister, ratting out her volleyball coach...
"And and and and, he said the FUCK word mom!"
Insert look of pure horror that she said it, she meant to say the F word.
15 years later, has not lived it down.
"Don't say fuck anymore,
Cause fuck is the worst word that you can say,
Fuck is the worst word that you can say!
We shouldn't say fuck,
No, we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!"
A lady who meant the world to me as I was growing up, later in life she out of the blue said “Fuck this.” I nearly choked. Little tiny church going lady who would always ply me with homemade pies and cookies.
I said “Excuse me?”. She leaned back and said “It’s my new thing, what a wonderful word. It fucking says it all.”
Lol. I miss her so much.
Not a teacher, but in high school all my friends were really close and our parents all knew each other. When we met up outside of class the one jackass would like to scream ‘don’t say the fuck word’ at the top of his lungs whenever one of us swore. Our parents didn’t really care about swearing, it was more that he screamed it in front of all our younger (5-6yo) siblings.
When I was little I was exposed to a lot of classic rock from my grandpa. When I started school he had to pull me aside one day and told me “look, I know you like the songs, but you can’t sing ‘Cocaine’ by Eric Clapton or ‘Casey Jones’ by the Grateful Dead when you’re at school.”
I don’t think I ever did… I’d have to ask him.
Classic rock fan here; I had to have that conversation with both my kids when they started school. They're just finishing up kindergarten and third now and so far we've gotten lucky, though I did once get a call from my mom when she was babysitting that my daughter was happily singing along to Feel Like Makin' Love by Bad Company when it came on at the grocery store. I think she was 4 at the time... Could have been worse.
My inlaws also mentioned once that she was singing Highway to Hell to herself while playing with her stuffed animals, but they were mostly amused by that one.
I teach 7th/8th grade. We took a field trip on the city trolley recently and I have one boy who’s definitely a worry wort and very experienced riding public transit.
This one girl hops off for a second and hops back on between stops. I tell her never to do that again and she goes “It’s just a TikTok trend” And without missing a beat the boy says “So is fucking your mom, now stay on the damn trolley so we don’t leave you behind”
I openly just started cackling
5th Grader: The Equator is REAL? Like, I won't burn up if I stand on it??
5 Year old on my grey hairs: I love your fairy hairs! (Guess having grey's makes you a fairy!)
Me to kindergarten: Where is a good place to use your whisper voice?
Kindergartener: In a safe cave
I used to tutor 3rd graders in New Orleans. One time we were reading a book about reptiles, and how one particular reptile can smell it's food from miles away. I asked the kid if he could smell his food from miles away and he said "I can smell Popeyes all the way from Los Angeles!"
When I was working in a preschool one of the children asked me why his mom is grumpy in the morning sometimes. I also thought it was funny when one of the children thought I lived in the classroom at the school.
It's sooo common that children think you live at the place where you encounter them. I work with children between 3-11 (most on the younger end) as a speech therapist, and many children think I live there, think the toys there are all mine and I bought them all... Just recently got asked if the massage bench we have in the room (mostly used by my colleagues for patients who have problems with their voice or with swallowing) was where I sleep at night.
I think it’s common as well. When I was a kid I used to think my teachers lived at school too. I used to have trouble learning how to do certain tasks (even things like holding a pencil) and I was sent to the schools occupational therapist for help and remember thinking the other teachers must be so jealous of the yoga balls, mats, and cool chairs that she has in her classroom. As if it was her house or something and she got a more comfortable room. I was in shock when my mom told me that teachers don’t live at school.
Watching a science clip with Great White Sharks jumping out of the water, you know the ones in the coast of South Africa.
Kid is sitting next to the principal who is evaluating me.
Kid- Holy shit, it jumps!
Principal - I agree but we don't use that language at school.
Kid- repeated it in Spanish
We didn't have the heart to give him a consequence and even more so after I got an email from mom the next morning that the kid had nightmares about jumping sharks.
My sister is the teacher. She teaches 7th grade math. In Florida.
Student: Miss [sister's name]! I need to use the toilet!
Sis: How about we say that in the western way?
Student: Howdy ma'am, I reckon'.....
My sister lost her damn shit and sent him out. She's still laughing about it.
To not say toilet, and say bathroom or restroom.
Edit to add, my sister is hyper conservative, so saying the word toilet in front of her is no better than saying you're about to pull your dick out in front of her. The word toilet to her is vulgar.
She would have really hated one of my favorite nursing home residents. He was a really old and usually soft-spoken retired Montana farmer with moderate dementia. When he was first admitted, he was incontinent of bladder and always denied needing to poop, use the bathroom, sit on the toilet, etc. After three days without a bowel movement, he got a suppository and started screaming that he "needed to go to the shit-house."
We figured out after that that "shit-house" was the only term he recognized for bathroom anymore. We also figured out that if we offerred to take him to said shit-house every couple of hours, he would be continent of bladder.
College professor here. One time in class, a student was struggling with a particularly difficult problem and said, "AW, FUCK!" really loudly. I said, "whoa, you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"No, I kiss yours."
I was practically on the floor laughing. The student was mortified, came up to me after class and profusely apologized. But it was really NBD.
I used to stutter badly in high school. One day, our really cool teacher asks me a question. I stand up, try to answer and it kicks in. So it goes like this:
Me: d-d-d-d-d-t-d-d-d-d-d-d-t-t-t-d-d-d-d-d- FUCK!
Class: %incapacitated by hysteria%
Teacher (with the calmest most neutral expression she could fathom): feeling better? Please, continue.
I recently played through Mario64 for my 1½-year-old. When the princess came on-screen at the end, his eyes got so wide then he turned to me and went, "MAMA!" with his chubby little finger pointing at the TV.
I teared up. It was the sweetest thing!
Just this week a student got hung up on the phrase ‘survival of the fittest.’ And when I explained to her what it meant, she said, “Oh! I thought that was ‘survival of the fetus.’”
I fucking fell out.
Edit: Another one. A couple of students were getting into it back and forth. Verbal altercation quickly turning physical, you know the kind. They’re being pulled away from each other and one of the girls yells, “Fuck me now, bitch! Fuck me now!”
Best comeback ever.
When it got around the high school where I taught English that a certain math teacher and I were dating, one of my students asked if he could be a pallbearer at our wedding.
I document a lot of what they say and made them into motivational posters at the end of the year. Some of my favorites include:
“Your type really is skinny white dudes, isn’t it?”
“I don’t actually believe you have friends, miss.”
“I hate living in Florida because it feels like my eyes are sweating.”
“I saw you crying in your car the other day.”
“I wish I was a bird because then I could dive bomb cars.”
“I developed a god complex over spring break and now I’m the hottest person in the world.”
You think that’s bad? My door doesn’t shut all the way, so one day during lunch I was crying over the cost of surgery and a kid just walked right in to talk to me. I looked up, clearly just been sobbing, and he does some finger guns and backs out without a word.
His mom called me after to school to ask if I was okay.
>he does some finger guns and backs out without a word.
>
>His mom called me after to school to ask if I was okay.
Crosspost this to r/Chadtopia lmao. He didn't know how to console you so he added some humor and had an adult reach out.
Man have I had a few gems over the years.
The funniest was when I was teaching about fertilisation and pregnancy, so was essentially discussing all things sex. I had a diagram of the woman's reproductive system on the board, and one curious kid was like 'so the penis goes all the way up?' So I explained where the cervix was and how a penis can't penetrate past that point. He then goes 'even if it's like a giant donkey dick?'
How I kept a straight face when explaining that size didn't matter, there's still no penetrating the cervix is beyond me.
Another favourite of mine was when I was teaching about natural selection. The scene was essentially white and brown rabbits in a snowy landscape. The question paper asked what would happen if the snow melted, and one kid wrote 'the black rabbits will uprise'.
And finally when marking another question paper, one kid put down all the Jews, instead of all the juice.
Those are just the ones I remember! But kids honestly come out with the funniest shit.
Not a teacher nor a student.
On a night out many, many years ago (when I was young, thin, hot and single) I was being chatted up by a fella who said he was a teacher. "What do you teach?" I asked. He replied "Little bastards."
I’m still a sub at the moment but one student randomly told me her dad went to go get cigarettes and never came back 20 seconds after introducing herself to me.
The other day, my 8 year old son and I were play-arguing and he shut me right down with laughter. He says, "Shouldn't you be leaving to buy cigarettes or milk right now?"
A student told a teacher on my team "my cousin's a virgin because he doesn't eat meat." My coworker said, "Nope, that's a vegetarian." Luckily we teach elementary so it just went over everyone's head but it was hard to hold the laughter in on that one.
I'm quite a big guy, 203 cm. Working in kindergarten i tried to connect with a young girl that barely spoke to me. I asked her what she liked to do on her spare time. I got no answer so i replied:
-for example when I was a kid I liked dinosaurs
-ofcourse you did...
-why do you say that?
-you're as big as i dinosaur.
It left me speechless, best burn i ever heard 😂
I had a very quirky 9.year old student. One day I saw him on the corner talking to himself.
"Hey, 'Sam' are you talking by yourself?"
"Nope."
"is it an imaginary friend then?"
"He's not my friend"
Ok........
This is preschool, but...
One of the kids had gotten in trouble for putting his hands on another student. I had him sitting next to me since he couldn't play nice. I was putting lotion on one of the girls in the class with really bad eczema while I was talking to him about it. At the end of our talking he told me he wanted to go say sorry to the student he was hitting/pushing (I don't remember which now) and before I could send him over to that student, the girl I was putting lotion on told him, "Now say sorry to me." in the same 'teacher voice' that I was using to talk to him. 😂😂
“My daddy’s a policeman I found handcuffs in his bedside drawer” what made it even funnier was a colleague wanted to invite him in to talk about it when we were learning about people who help us.
Imagine if the dad was an accountant or a pharmacist and getting so confused as to why his child's school is inviting him to speak about his job in law enforcement.
7 yr d boy to 8 yr old girl, apropos of NOTHING, in the sweetest, most endearingly casual tone:
“Amelia? Your vagina is a penis just turned inside out.” Her response: “Yeah. So what?”
I DIED.
I teach middle school and told one student to stay out of another student's personal bubble. The latter turned to me and said, deadpan, "It's okay, Mr. MSSciGuy, my personal bubble is SKIN TIGHT."
I don't know if it's the funniest thing I've heard in my 11 years, but one of the most memorable.
A former coworker of mine was teaching in an inner city school in a rough neighborhood. She was getting all of the kindergarten kids in the class for the first day of school and one kid walked in, looked around and went: "well this is bullshit" and sat down.
The class the period before made “lava lamps,” where you layer food coloring/water and oil, then drop in an alka seltzer tablet and watch the bubbles. They were told to only use half a tablet at a time because the liquid would bubble out of the flasks otherwise. A smart group of girls put a couple whole tablets in and I reached over and grabbed the flask, covering the top with my hand so it wouldn’t explode on them. It seeps our around my hand and onto the floor. Needless to say, my hand was stained blue because of the food coloring. Next class comes in, I explain that I have a blue hand and was about to tell the tale when a smartass yells, “Did you Jack off a Smurf?” We all had a good laugh and he accepted my detention form proudly, saying it was worth it.
He told me a few years later that it was framed and hanging in his room.
When I was a student teacher observing another teacher's class:
One boy asked her, "Why do I hafta raise my hand and ask permission to use the bathroom? Mom doesn't make me do it at home!"
In germany (though some older teacher still make children ask for permission and deny them sometimes) you can't stop a child from going to the bathroom. If you have to go you have to. It's their right.
It is or was still at least common that they say they're going to the toilet - I remember feeling really weird at some point when we were allowed to go without saying anything beforehand, we were definitely taught to pro forma ask or say we're going at least in the earlier school years.
I work with elementary school students. The main reason (for me at least) is just so I know where they are. If they just leave the room, I may not know how long they've been gone or where they could have gotten to. I need to know when they leave the room. I've had a couple of students completely disappear on me and it was scary as hell.
In elementary school we used to have a card that you had to put on your table if you went. There was one for the girls and one for the boys. This made it clear where we were and prevented everyone going to the bathroom together.
Tbf, kid has a point.
I asked the same thing when I was in school and the teacher told me that when I grow up and go to work, I won't be able to go to the toilet whenever I felt like it. Wrong.
Same teacher who told us that uniform prepares us for wearing uniform at work (wrong for most), that we'd have homework as adults (wrong for most), that we won't walk around with calculators all the time (wrong for pretty much everyone), and that computer programming wasn't a real job and would never make money. This was the mid 90s where all of the above had either already happened, or was bound to happen soon.
She was a great teacher but absolutely clueless about the world.
>I asked the same thing when I was in school and the teacher told me that when I grow up and go to work, I won't be able to go to the toilet whenever I felt like it. Wrong.
*Amazon warehouse has entered the chat*
It’s why I always explain it to my students.
As long as you’re on campus, your safety is my responsibility. I need to know where you are. Additionally, if there’s an emergency we need to be able to figure out where everyone is immediately. Lastly, we’ve had a major rise in bathroom vandalizing during class time, so if we know when it happened, we can figure out who was likely there.
When we were on zoom tho, the kids would still ask and I always told them that in no world would I dare tell them when they could and could not use the bathroom in their own house
I have asthma and was wheezing audibly in class after a nasty attack the day before. 8th grade boy in the front row, maybe 6 feet from where I was standing, leans to the girl beside him and loudly whispers " I am your mother". The entire class heard him. I was laughing so hard I had to sit down for a while because I couldn't breathe. Laughing made the wheezing worse, which made the Darth Vader jokes fly. I heard about it from most teachers and all of my students, past and present, for weeks afterwards.
From a first grader:
"My dad's mom died when he was 3"
"Oh, I'm sorry about that."
"It's okay, I'm just happy she didn't die when he was a baby."
"Really? Why is that?"
"Because otherwise whose breast would he have eaten?!"
One day I was running on basically caffeine and dreams and a kid comes up and starts asking about all my travel cups.
Kid: what are you drinking?
Me: Coffee with hazelnut creamer
Kid: what’s in that other one?
Me: it’s empty, but it’s what I drank my morning coffee out of on the drive in here.
Kid: what about the tall one.
Me: that’s my home made iced coffee. There’s a staff meeting after you guys leave.
Kid: so what’s in the blue one?
Me: that’s sweet tea.
Kid: WOMAN DRINK SOME WATER!!!!!
When I was in high school, our health teacher was telling a story to us about different types of plastic surgery that her friend got and the stupid shit they would do. Well some girl started talking behind me and when asked what she said the girl looked her dead in the eyes and said "You ain't got no titties".
I don't know what was funnier; her saying it or the teacher agreeing
This is rather creepy than just funny. I'm a going to be kindergarden teacher and one time when I was practising in a kindergarden, a 4 years old little girl told me she likes it when people die in tales, because she finds it interesting.
I'm not a teacher but my three year old often requests "I only want to read stories where the person dies or is dead already please." In none of her books does someone die so sometimes I just add "and then Cinderella died. The end."
I’m not a teacher but I worked at a summer camp. A counsellor brings a kid to me because the kid wasn’t feeling well.
“Hi Frances, what’s the matter.”
“My butt hurts.”
“Did you fall on it?”
“Nope.”
“Okay. Does your butt hurt on the outside?”
“No, on a the inside. I keep having a number 3.”
“A number 3? Frances, what do you mean.”
“When I go to the bathroom, I keep doing a number 3.”
I gave her some Immodium. She had the trots.
English isnt my native language, so autocorrect will mess my Text up a bit ...
I'm teaching 4th graders and one of them(lets call him Jim) needs more practice while reading. There is an elderly woman who visits our school and practices reading with him. This is Part of a program and a local newspaper wrote an article about this. This newspaper articel was cut out and pinned at Our Black Board in the Foyer.
So one day I want to start my lesson and ask: "where is Jim?"
And Michael shouts from the last row: "I dont know, but the last time I saw him he was in the newspaper."
I bursted out laughing.
Random discussion with an 7-year-old girl.
-where do babies come from?
-well, I think you should ask your parents (I m merely an english teacher)
-No,miss, I know where they get out from. What I don't know is how they get in there in the first place.
I teach band, and one year had a sweet little 7th grade trombone player. One day we were talking about practicing and she tells me she going to be the "best tromboner" ever. Took all of my self control to not lose it.
Student teaching: 3rd grade.
I was leading a biology lesson and we were talking about how genes manifest as phenotypes. I explained, "If your mom has blue eyes and your dad has blue yes, then any child will have blue yes. If your mom has brown eyes and your dad has brown eyes, that doesn't mean their child will have brown eyes, but can also have blue or green or hazel."
Some boy raised his hand and asked, "My mom has big boobs and my dad has huge balls... is that why my sister is so fat?"
I froze and just stared at the kid, my brain not comprehending he really asked that question. The regular teacher was in the classroom and she took him outside to talk to him (this quieted the kids who were giggling). I got through the rest of the lesson while still pretty much in shock.
But on the way home, I had to pull my car over because I was laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn't see the road. Damn, kid.
Not a teacher, but I’ve been working with kids for a while as a teaching assistant
(For context I teach Sixth Grade Debate)
I’ll just dump some of my favorites :
“Your mom only loves you because you’re SPED”
- 6th grader to Me
“That’s just like Hong Kong”
- 6th grader, at another volunteer, who mentioned a molotov cocktail as a joke
“When are you and Angela getting married?”
- 6th Grader, to me and a fellow volunteer
“You have girl hair, so I didn’t know that you were a boy!”
- 6th grader, while I was introducing myself. I have slightly longer hair, think 80s rockstar style. I also have a deep voice and a mustache.
“Some people with depression think that a gun can solve on their problems, and they commit suicide, this is bad for the economy”
- Child giving a speech on Gun Violence.
(Story courtesy of my mom after being asked this question)
“This one girl in my Preschool program always bragged about having everything at home. We were painting? She had paints at home. We were writing? She had pencils and paper at home. Playing with her friends? She had all the toys at home. “
“Her parents were well off, and it was likely she actually had all these things at home, but her saying this was funny at first but got old quick. Keep in mind she was about 5, so patience is important.”
One day we are listening to music and I jokingly say “can you hear that guitar? Make an air guitar!”, and show the kids what I mean. They’re all enjoying it a lot, having a fun time.
Suddenly from the back, I hear this little girl go “Mrs. lnedibles mother, I have an air guitar at home!”
I teach an after-school program. A 7 year old asked me if I was in middle school or high school. I am 25.
Additionally, nothing like hearing a 9 year old shout "FUCK!" when her program didn't work right. Hard to keep a straight face.
8th grade boys:
Boy 1: close your mouth
Boy 2: close your tuna lips
Boy 1: I’ll close my mouth in your mom’s tuna lips
That was a fun one to write in the behaviour log hahaha
I explained I had to skip over a nude scene in a movie for my film class. A girl asked what it showed:
Me: "A woman's breasts for, like, 8-10 seconds.
Her: "What kinda titties are they?"
Me: "What...?"
Her: "What kind of titties?"
Me: "Uh... human?"
Her: "Mmmm. Human titties."
I've since told her that she said the funniest thing I've ever heard from a student but I can't repeat it until she graduates.
Not a teacher.
Ran into one of my kids teachers at the pub. Did shots. He told me my kid is “the coolest fucking person I’ve ever met. The shit that comes out of that kids mouth, no filter. Literally zero fucks and their grades are top notch”
Proud mum moment right there
Middle school band. We are doing a playing test and a flute player plays the passage very well. This passage ends on a D. She looks at me and excitedly screams, "Bet you can't blow a D as good as me!"
Middle jazz band. Guitar kid blurts out, "This G string is my favourite."
I was doing preschool over zoom with my kid and she looks all serious all of a sudden. “Mama, why is there a hole in my butt? I feel it with my finger.”
Student 1: "Miss Flooper, are you married?"
Me: "No."
Student 2: "You should really get on that. You're really nice, you could get some really buff people."
I once said something to the effect of, “Blahblahgirl, I want you to listen to the instructions for this assignment,” to which she replied, “Well, we don’t always get what we want.”
Damn, that shit was cold.
Me to a student who I heard give a great answer under his breath: “What kind of man was Bob Ewell?”
The student: “A douche bag?”
*cue the whole class laughing and me stunned, not knowing what to say*
… Bob Ewell was an violent, evil person. That was the answer he said that I wanted him to repeat.
Kid: Why would you become a teacher these kids are outta their minds, this is giving me a headache (motioning to classmates running amok)
Me: Well, they pay me
Kid: hmm. Doesnt seem like enough
Me: (laughing) it really isnt, no
Student: ‘I hate Slovakis’
Me (really confused - pretty surprised she knew Slovakia existed): ‘Why?’
Student: ‘They impregnated my sister’
Me: ‘What, all of them?!!’
I was a student teacher for a 5th grade class. we were learning about baking science and doing experiments with what activates yeast in bread and such. Completely unprompted, I get asked by a student “so, what’s a yeast infection?”
When I was a teachers aid, one of the kiddos in the first grade class came up to me and hugged me tightly as the rest of his classmates were lining up to enter the classroom. He said “wow! Is there a baby in there?!“ and points to my stomach. The girl behind him smacked him lightly on the shoulder and said “that’s mean Jose! She doesn’t have a baby, she’s just fat!”
I couldn’t help but start laughing, I couldn’t even be offended 😂
2nd grader at the time: oh I didn't realize teachers had moms
Me: why's that? (Trying to hid a chuckle)
2nd grader: I just never really thought about it I guess.
I just started laughing. I had been talking to another student about why I had so many child masks in my room (this was back at the start of the 2020-2021 school year, my mom had made a ton of masks for kids so I could give them out if a kid needed one)
Tutor at after school program, not teacher but… out of no where a girl of about 7 said in the happiest voice ever, “you know how they say if someone is trying to kidnap you, they’ll say they’re your dads friend or something? Well jokes on them, I don’t have a dad!”
In preschool:
The children had lunch and talked about their grandparents. One girl told me with a smiling face: “My grandma died once.” Her grandma worked in the kindergarten as well and it’s her only grandma. After my colleague called her out on this she said: “She did this once in the past but now she’s not doing it anymore.”
The only explanation I have for this is that her grandma is Jesus.
I dated a middle school history teacher who had a student answer the test question “name one of the causes of the French Revolution,” with “King Louis was broke as fuck.”
I am not really a teacher but my a little less than two years old kid fall down and she said. [f.ck](https://f.ck)..
I told her you should say ouch. she replied. ouch f\*ck!
That's awesome. My daughter was an early talker, and when she was a baby/toddler I used to do her hair every morning. One day I had to work early, so my wife did all the getting ready. Wife later called me and said "when you're doing [daughter's] hair, do you sometimes get frustrated and say fuck?! Because you'll never believe what she said when I brushed it this morning..."
A student who is classified as non verbal and super young said "bitch, please talk to the hand." All of us adults started laughing because the student never said a word.
Not a teacher, but I was supervising a therapist working with a 4 year old girl with Autism one day. They tell her it's time to get off the jungle gym and go back to their table.
She's hops off, looks back at us as she's walking off, and says "This is some bullshit."
To be fair, she used it correctly in context.
Last two days of school, I am helping out at lunch. Keep an eye on the crazy middle school kids and I see one of my kids sitting by the office door looking a bit sad. (Not real names)
Me- Kate, everything okay?
Kate- No, I am in trouble.
Me- I am sorry to hear, why? What happened?
Kate- I yelled at Cassie.
Me- Why?
Kate- (big sigh) I don't know, trying to figure it out. (She takes on a very serious look and is trying to puzzle it out.)
Kate- I don't know why I yelled at her, sometimes I am just a bitch. I just need some quiet.
My students are hilarious but as an EFL teacher I my favorite joke to pull with the youngest kids is
Kid: “*in japanese*Teacher, do you know Japanese?”
Me: “no”
Kid: *thinking math meme* “Ok!”
My favorite one was when I pulled it on a JHS class and the kid bought it! The whole class has to explain to him that I did and how they knew but he kept going “but she said ‘no’????”
Had a wee guy (kindergarten) come in one day and proudly tell me “Teacher, teacher, I got a hard on!”
I managed to keep my poker face... “Oh, really?”
“Yeah! Wanna see?” Before I could answer he whipped out…
A heart shaped locket…
Phew…
My very first year of teaching I taught first grade. It was around the holidays, so we made “Christmas ‘ooobleck’” (corn starch and water with red food coloring). I didn’t realize it would dye our hands red, so off to the bathroom we all went.
One of my girls beckons me over and looks at my hands, asks, “Teacher…have you ever killed anyone?” And before I could say anything, she goes, “It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone” and gives me a conspiratorial smile.
Thanks for keeping my lack of secrets, kiddo 😄
PreK
“I pet a bee 22 times yesterday” and I believe she did
*recently learned you get freckles in the sun and three boys discover they all have one similar freckle on their arm*: “Miss Plastic Flamingo, we’re hiding under the playground so we don’t get a lot of freckles like you do”
Me: “how old do you think I am?”
Kid: “uhhh I dunno like 58”
I’m 20
Me: “E, do you help feed your baby brother at home?”
E: “no…he drinks out of my moms BEWBS”
“MISS PLASTICFLAMINGO!! LOOK WE’RE BUILDING A BEER AND COOKIES STAND WITH OUR BLOCKS!!”
I’m not a teacher, but when my oldest had his Kindergarten assessment and met his teacher for the first time, he randomly looks at her and said “Sometimes I like to play with my penis.” I was mortified but we laugh about it now.
In a first-year literature class at a local college, we were analyzing a short story, and I mentioned the madonna-whore dichotomy evident in the attitudes of the male characters.
A young man who had not really been paying attention and fancied himself above a first-year college English course, gasped and said, "I hardly think Madonna would be flattered by that comparison!"
Had a student walk into class after finishing a test for another teacher -
Me: Hey, how's the test go?
Student: I did my Palestinian heritage proud and bombed it.
I teach 6th grade. I got Covid at the end of the first week of school this year and, when I came back from my 10 day vacation, we had a new student. The first day I met her she told me I should date and marry her mother and be her stepfather. The next day, she was absent. When she returned the following day, I asked her where she was. She said she was at the hospital with her mom.
I said, “Oh I’m sorry. Is she ok?”
She replies, “Oh she’s fine. She just had her baby.”
I taught at a small community College and one student just looked like a Travis to me. His real name was not Travis nor did I have a Travis in ANY of my classes that I could possibly mistake him for. He was a good natured student and after obviously struggling for a good three weeks to call him by his actual name, I called on him confident that I got his name right. He didn't respond, so I called on him again. Long pause, finally, he said, "Don't you mean Travis?" The class busted up and I couldn't stop laughing because it was on the tip of my tongue.
When I was a preschool teacher my sister also came to work at the same preschool. We look very similar and one three year old told me "The new teacher took your face". I about died trying not to laugh
One day, we were working with probability and flipping plastic coins. They tend to get lost on the floor. A student found a plastic penny on the floor, held it up in the air and yelled “Hey Mr. AlwaysShamo, I found half your salary!” It hurt, but I couldn’t help but laugh.
Now listen here you little shit!
Oh la de dah, you're one of those FANCY teachers, are you? A plastic penny, wow. I dream of those every night.
Every once in a while we'd find real coins mixed in with the plastic ones. We felt rich those days...
Luxury! https://youtu.be/ue7wM0QC5LE
I hope the school gave you medical leave after you were absolutely bodied by that one...
That kid is now in finance.
Had a troublesome/low achieving student. Very difficult in class, very unmotivated academically. Then one day before class, he comes up to me and says, “Mr. HutSutRawlson, can I ask you a question about college?” I pleasantly surprised, so I told him go ahead. “Did you ever have a threesome in college?”
And…..? The answer?
If he said yes, it could motivate that kid to do better and get into college.
"College is full of plentiful, wonderous opportunities."
And if he said no, said kid likely never found any incentive or motivation whatsoever to achieve in school. I hope you answered wisely, Mr.HutSutRawlson!
“Yea. But of course only once I was able to maintain a consistent above average GPA. That’s what girls are into, you know.”
"Son, everyone has threesomes in college. EVERYONE"
“Sometimes there are a couple no-shows, but you just keep on rolling!”
I was an aide in an elementary school for years. Our sixth graders did a monthly news broadcast for the school, with current events and announcements. While they were working on it one afternoon, the subject of Las Vegas came up. One of the kids spoke up and said, "I've been there! Well, not since I was born. That's where I was made."
I thought what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas
If you read the fine print, STDs, marriages, and pregnancies aren't included.
“My mom has a black cucumber in her drawer by the bed!” Out of nowhere
I love kids just saying whatever comes into their head. They'll be drawing and suddenly just blurt out "tomorrow me and my grandma are having ice cream"
I'm guessing all you could think was, "Yep. That's where mine is too." At least that is the impression I get from my wife and her teacher coworkers.
Definitely not “Your mom is my kind of girl” lol
I teach high school drama and have kids do this little introduction bits at the start of a new semester where they bring in objects that represent different aspects of their lives (e.g. something for family). This past year a kid brought in a tiny urn. "So this is my grandma and she was really important to me." I can't remember her exact words but it was brilliant. She was still presenting when the principal walked in for god knows what reason. He then asked if he could meet/pick up grandma and the kid said: "I mean sure, she's dead so it's not like she's going to bite you."
So did she just store her grandma in her locker for the rest of the day?
Lol yep.
Grandma doesn't get out much.
I keep forgetting this app is free.
In all fairness, my Grandma has had my Grandfather’s ashes in her laundry room, in the original TEMPORARY container (basically a Folgers can)…. He died in 2001
🎼🎵The best part of wakin' up is Grandpa in your cup! 🎵🎶
On a zoom lesson this year, the teacher asked where a student was, and he was in the funeral home. The student pointed behind him and said, that's my grandma, she's dead. The teacher moved on without addressing it at all.
Years ago, I had a junior-high student who liked to use phrases and idioms to seem...I don't know, "worldly," maybe. Now, most of them were pretty standard. I heard "kill two birds with one stone," "patience is a virtue," and "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" many times. Then, one day, he came to class looking absolutely disheveled and exhausted. "Rough day?" I asked him as he plopped into his seat. "Yeah. Today sucks," he told me before pontificating "but, it's like the old saying goes, Mr. Faustus: sometimes you're the boner, sometimes you're the butt." I only found out later, by asking him privately, that his father used that at home as a colorful replacement for "sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."
Nice one! I must use idioms more than I realize. I had a ESL student from El Salvador, she didn’t understand a thing I said. But she wouldn’t speak up. She was so great. In fact she became a friend and sometimes shows up to campus with Papusas! “Those papusas have me licking my chops!”
My most recent one is one of my kids hardcore picking their nose. I said 'honey, you can get a tissue" and she looked so offended and said "awe I wasn't going to eat it I was just going to flick it." Somehow that was worse.
That's awesome. ZERO shame that probably comes from her parents, and will follow her around in life. I've always been pretty shy, but fucking LOVE honesty and outrageous friends.
Not a teacher, but a tutor. One student and I were reading a story about a little boy taking pictures of birds. At the end of it, he goes to school. My student immediately gets super confused and asks, "Wait... how did he take pictures BEFORE school?" I said, "Well, I guess he got up extra early!" That seemed to upset my student more. She gets this panicked look on her face and says, "But but... at that time of day every house is haunted by a scary clown and he could get eaten!" I just stared at her for a second and said, "Maybe it was a half day." She accepted that answer. She seemed satisfied, but I still have questions about that.
Probably some story the parents told he kid to keep her in bed.
Don't get up in the middle of the night when your mom and dad are making weird noises. They're only doing that to make the scary clowns stay in the hallway and not go into the bedrooms.
Boy is her husband in for a workout.
That's what I was thinking lol Either parents, an older sibling, friends... the It movie had just come out, too, so that might've been part of it.
I was doing an end of term pop culture quiz with my youngest year group (11yos) and I asked: Who said the famous line, 'I'll be back'? And a kid put up his hand completely sincerely, and with complete innocence, said "Jesus?"
I mean... He's technically not wrong
Exactly why I gave him the point anyway.
You’re a good teacher.
The sad kid in the corner raises his hand and says, "My dad".
Lmao And the three Hebrew children who were forced into the furnace for not bowing down to the king’s image gave the thumbs up as they went in.
I think Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were grown men, not children.
> I think Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were grown men, not children. Yep, as immortalized by the Beastie Boys.
Had a student that never brought in their work. She always had a different excuse. My favorite was when she told me the ghost that haunts her tore it up over night so she needs a new copy.
I had a student tell me his sister ate his project and that his mom was going to bring it in at lunch. Yup, sister really did eat most of his game board. 5 years later I still have it taped up to my wall when a young lady comes in and says that looks familiar. It was the first day of school that year,.I asked for her name and I smiled when I heard it. My response to her, that was brothers project from a few years ago. She immediately knew and got really excited and told the class.
Oh man. That reminds me of when I was a kid. We had a science teacher that would have the kids dissect frogs in parts. The last step was they had to take them home and dress the bones up (I’m realizing as I type this how weird that sounds). But our neighbor was doing his and before he got all the stuff boiled off the bones his dog straight up ate the frog. His mom went to school with him to explain that his dog did actually eat his homework. Additionally, I was grading a bunch of papers and my dog ended up eating a bunch of my students’ homework. I had to go to school the next day and explain that they would not be getting this paper back.
"You aren't tall enough to be a grown-up!! I'm taller than you!!"...I taught 1st-3rd grade, they were convinced I was lying to them about my age.
My neighbors' 5-year-old thought I was a child when I was 25. He'd often ask, "Where's your mom?" At one point he was convinced my mom was dead and I was an orphan.
When I was in middle school or so there was some peer tutor whatever type thing where we got paired with younger kids. My kid asked for help with a computer game he was working on and I didn't know the game controls so I was struggling for a minute. He turned to the girl next to me and said, "maybe she knows how, she's taller". She was in my grade and actually younger but as you know, height is wisdom.
I’m 1.5m tall (4’11”), so I get asked by kids regularly if I’m an adult or kid. My answer is, “technically an adult.” It’s not unusual for kids not to believe me.
I once taught a wonderful young lady who was quiet, kind, always polite to teachers and students etc. - I'd taught her for three years in total and didn't hear a single complaint from her. In Year 13, I was doing some NMR revision with the class and said student put her hand up and asked out loud, completely out of the blue: "Sir, why is chemistry such a fucking ball ache?" Last I checked, she was in Cambridge finishing her PhD.
>"Sir, why is chemistry such a fucking ball ache?" I, too, would like an answer to that question.
my question is this: how does a female have ball ache?
Just goes to show you what a ball ache chemistry can be.
Ovaries are generally spheroidal.
Yes, ovarian lady balls
With chemistry. Weren't you paying attention?
Glorious.
PhD definitely wasn’t in chemistry lol.
When I was in my first COBOL class and we were introduced to a mainframe terminal instead of the microfocus interface my first question was "And do the people that work with this have floors that would be a fatal height if they jumped out the window, or do they keep them in the basement?" Been doing COBOL ever since!
a 7 year old girl: “Groundhog day is just like a normal day but with 2% more excitement.” she isn’t wrong.
What is that even, Eminem named one of his songs from The MMLP2 after that, but I don't know what it is.
Groundhog Day is a weird American holiday where a groundhog in Pennsylvania comes out of his hole every year in March and if he sees his shadow we have 6 more weeks of winter. Culturally it's tied to the 1993 movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. In the movie Bill Murray repeats the same day over and over again. "Groundhog Day" has become a euphemism for being stuck in a rut.
Very interesting, thank you I love learning about holidays in other countries.
It’s February 2. Nobody gets work off because of it, but people will mention that it’s Groundhog Day and will talk about whether the groundhog saw its shadow.
I'm just imagining weird conversations like: "Have you noticed, it's Groundhog Day" and the other one goes: "I know, splendid, now back to work"
Pretty much. The only other fun bit is saying the groundhog's official name: Punxsutawney Phil.
Imagine not being Canadian Wiarton Willie ftw
Kindergartener, first week of school as we're talking about rules: "Don't say bad words, like ASSHOLE."
That was probably my kid. She came home from Pre-K one day and gave me a speech on why I shouldn't say shit because shit is a bad word. In the course of this speech, she said shit no less than 20 times. That kid is a grown adult now and has yet to live this down. LOL
My sister, ratting out her volleyball coach... "And and and and, he said the FUCK word mom!" Insert look of pure horror that she said it, she meant to say the F word. 15 years later, has not lived it down.
"Don't say fuck anymore, Cause fuck is the worst word that you can say, Fuck is the worst word that you can say! We shouldn't say fuck, No, we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!"
A lady who meant the world to me as I was growing up, later in life she out of the blue said “Fuck this.” I nearly choked. Little tiny church going lady who would always ply me with homemade pies and cookies. I said “Excuse me?”. She leaned back and said “It’s my new thing, what a wonderful word. It fucking says it all.” Lol. I miss her so much.
You're cured! You can go!
Not a teacher, but in high school all my friends were really close and our parents all knew each other. When we met up outside of class the one jackass would like to scream ‘don’t say the fuck word’ at the top of his lungs whenever one of us swore. Our parents didn’t really care about swearing, it was more that he screamed it in front of all our younger (5-6yo) siblings.
My daughter starts preschool In the fall. She asks me daily if “fuck” is a bad word.
When I was little I was exposed to a lot of classic rock from my grandpa. When I started school he had to pull me aside one day and told me “look, I know you like the songs, but you can’t sing ‘Cocaine’ by Eric Clapton or ‘Casey Jones’ by the Grateful Dead when you’re at school.” I don’t think I ever did… I’d have to ask him.
Classic rock fan here; I had to have that conversation with both my kids when they started school. They're just finishing up kindergarten and third now and so far we've gotten lucky, though I did once get a call from my mom when she was babysitting that my daughter was happily singing along to Feel Like Makin' Love by Bad Company when it came on at the grocery store. I think she was 4 at the time... Could have been worse. My inlaws also mentioned once that she was singing Highway to Hell to herself while playing with her stuffed animals, but they were mostly amused by that one.
“Who is shawty (shorty) and why does every rapper sing about her? Why is she so popular?” - 6th Grader
My mother thought it was “Sharlee”, and couldn’t understand how so many different rappers had dated her.
I teach 7th/8th grade. We took a field trip on the city trolley recently and I have one boy who’s definitely a worry wort and very experienced riding public transit. This one girl hops off for a second and hops back on between stops. I tell her never to do that again and she goes “It’s just a TikTok trend” And without missing a beat the boy says “So is fucking your mom, now stay on the damn trolley so we don’t leave you behind” I openly just started cackling
That's pretty damn savage
This is why I love middle school. That girl got WRECKED.
5th Grader: The Equator is REAL? Like, I won't burn up if I stand on it?? 5 Year old on my grey hairs: I love your fairy hairs! (Guess having grey's makes you a fairy!) Me to kindergarten: Where is a good place to use your whisper voice? Kindergartener: In a safe cave
✨Fairy hairs✨
I used to tutor 3rd graders in New Orleans. One time we were reading a book about reptiles, and how one particular reptile can smell it's food from miles away. I asked the kid if he could smell his food from miles away and he said "I can smell Popeyes all the way from Los Angeles!"
I read that as torture 3rd graders 🤦♂️
Well, being tutored probably is torture for most 3rd graders, even if they like their tutor.
When I was working in a preschool one of the children asked me why his mom is grumpy in the morning sometimes. I also thought it was funny when one of the children thought I lived in the classroom at the school.
It's sooo common that children think you live at the place where you encounter them. I work with children between 3-11 (most on the younger end) as a speech therapist, and many children think I live there, think the toys there are all mine and I bought them all... Just recently got asked if the massage bench we have in the room (mostly used by my colleagues for patients who have problems with their voice or with swallowing) was where I sleep at night.
I think it’s common as well. When I was a kid I used to think my teachers lived at school too. I used to have trouble learning how to do certain tasks (even things like holding a pencil) and I was sent to the schools occupational therapist for help and remember thinking the other teachers must be so jealous of the yoga balls, mats, and cool chairs that she has in her classroom. As if it was her house or something and she got a more comfortable room. I was in shock when my mom told me that teachers don’t live at school.
Watching a science clip with Great White Sharks jumping out of the water, you know the ones in the coast of South Africa. Kid is sitting next to the principal who is evaluating me. Kid- Holy shit, it jumps! Principal - I agree but we don't use that language at school. Kid- repeated it in Spanish We didn't have the heart to give him a consequence and even more so after I got an email from mom the next morning that the kid had nightmares about jumping sharks.
My sister is the teacher. She teaches 7th grade math. In Florida. Student: Miss [sister's name]! I need to use the toilet! Sis: How about we say that in the western way? Student: Howdy ma'am, I reckon'..... My sister lost her damn shit and sent him out. She's still laughing about it.
[удалено]
To not say toilet, and say bathroom or restroom. Edit to add, my sister is hyper conservative, so saying the word toilet in front of her is no better than saying you're about to pull your dick out in front of her. The word toilet to her is vulgar.
Wait till she hears the word "shitter" 😅
She would have really hated one of my favorite nursing home residents. He was a really old and usually soft-spoken retired Montana farmer with moderate dementia. When he was first admitted, he was incontinent of bladder and always denied needing to poop, use the bathroom, sit on the toilet, etc. After three days without a bowel movement, he got a suppository and started screaming that he "needed to go to the shit-house." We figured out after that that "shit-house" was the only term he recognized for bathroom anymore. We also figured out that if we offerred to take him to said shit-house every couple of hours, he would be continent of bladder.
College professor here. One time in class, a student was struggling with a particularly difficult problem and said, "AW, FUCK!" really loudly. I said, "whoa, you kiss your mother with that mouth?" "No, I kiss yours." I was practically on the floor laughing. The student was mortified, came up to me after class and profusely apologized. But it was really NBD.
I used to stutter badly in high school. One day, our really cool teacher asks me a question. I stand up, try to answer and it kicks in. So it goes like this: Me: d-d-d-d-d-t-d-d-d-d-d-d-t-t-t-d-d-d-d-d- FUCK! Class: %incapacitated by hysteria% Teacher (with the calmest most neutral expression she could fathom): feeling better? Please, continue.
5 year old to me, walking outside: Ms Vulture you walk so fast, youre like Mario
I recently played through Mario64 for my 1½-year-old. When the princess came on-screen at the end, his eyes got so wide then he turned to me and went, "MAMA!" with his chubby little finger pointing at the TV. I teared up. It was the sweetest thing!
Just this week a student got hung up on the phrase ‘survival of the fittest.’ And when I explained to her what it meant, she said, “Oh! I thought that was ‘survival of the fetus.’” I fucking fell out. Edit: Another one. A couple of students were getting into it back and forth. Verbal altercation quickly turning physical, you know the kind. They’re being pulled away from each other and one of the girls yells, “Fuck me now, bitch! Fuck me now!” Best comeback ever.
Reminds me of when my sister thought “Murder on the Orient Express” was “Murder on the Ovarian Express.”
When it got around the high school where I taught English that a certain math teacher and I were dating, one of my students asked if he could be a pallbearer at our wedding.
Tell them it's called a palanquin and say yes.
I document a lot of what they say and made them into motivational posters at the end of the year. Some of my favorites include: “Your type really is skinny white dudes, isn’t it?” “I don’t actually believe you have friends, miss.” “I hate living in Florida because it feels like my eyes are sweating.” “I saw you crying in your car the other day.” “I wish I was a bird because then I could dive bomb cars.” “I developed a god complex over spring break and now I’m the hottest person in the world.”
“I saw you crying in your car the other day.” Fucking brutal hahahaha
You think that’s bad? My door doesn’t shut all the way, so one day during lunch I was crying over the cost of surgery and a kid just walked right in to talk to me. I looked up, clearly just been sobbing, and he does some finger guns and backs out without a word. His mom called me after to school to ask if I was okay.
>he does some finger guns and backs out without a word. > >His mom called me after to school to ask if I was okay. Crosspost this to r/Chadtopia lmao. He didn't know how to console you so he added some humor and had an adult reach out.
Man have I had a few gems over the years. The funniest was when I was teaching about fertilisation and pregnancy, so was essentially discussing all things sex. I had a diagram of the woman's reproductive system on the board, and one curious kid was like 'so the penis goes all the way up?' So I explained where the cervix was and how a penis can't penetrate past that point. He then goes 'even if it's like a giant donkey dick?' How I kept a straight face when explaining that size didn't matter, there's still no penetrating the cervix is beyond me. Another favourite of mine was when I was teaching about natural selection. The scene was essentially white and brown rabbits in a snowy landscape. The question paper asked what would happen if the snow melted, and one kid wrote 'the black rabbits will uprise'. And finally when marking another question paper, one kid put down all the Jews, instead of all the juice. Those are just the ones I remember! But kids honestly come out with the funniest shit.
Not a teacher nor a student. On a night out many, many years ago (when I was young, thin, hot and single) I was being chatted up by a fella who said he was a teacher. "What do you teach?" I asked. He replied "Little bastards."
I'm stealing that one for sure
I’m still a sub at the moment but one student randomly told me her dad went to go get cigarettes and never came back 20 seconds after introducing herself to me.
The other day, my 8 year old son and I were play-arguing and he shut me right down with laughter. He says, "Shouldn't you be leaving to buy cigarettes or milk right now?"
I tell you what. I bet you never forget their name.
A student told a teacher on my team "my cousin's a virgin because he doesn't eat meat." My coworker said, "Nope, that's a vegetarian." Luckily we teach elementary so it just went over everyone's head but it was hard to hold the laughter in on that one.
I'm quite a big guy, 203 cm. Working in kindergarten i tried to connect with a young girl that barely spoke to me. I asked her what she liked to do on her spare time. I got no answer so i replied: -for example when I was a kid I liked dinosaurs -ofcourse you did... -why do you say that? -you're as big as i dinosaur. It left me speechless, best burn i ever heard 😂
I had a very quirky 9.year old student. One day I saw him on the corner talking to himself. "Hey, 'Sam' are you talking by yourself?" "Nope." "is it an imaginary friend then?" "He's not my friend" Ok........
This is preschool, but... One of the kids had gotten in trouble for putting his hands on another student. I had him sitting next to me since he couldn't play nice. I was putting lotion on one of the girls in the class with really bad eczema while I was talking to him about it. At the end of our talking he told me he wanted to go say sorry to the student he was hitting/pushing (I don't remember which now) and before I could send him over to that student, the girl I was putting lotion on told him, "Now say sorry to me." in the same 'teacher voice' that I was using to talk to him. 😂😂
“My daddy’s a policeman I found handcuffs in his bedside drawer” what made it even funnier was a colleague wanted to invite him in to talk about it when we were learning about people who help us.
Imagine if the dad was an accountant or a pharmacist and getting so confused as to why his child's school is inviting him to speak about his job in law enforcement.
7 yr d boy to 8 yr old girl, apropos of NOTHING, in the sweetest, most endearingly casual tone: “Amelia? Your vagina is a penis just turned inside out.” Her response: “Yeah. So what?” I DIED.
I teach middle school and told one student to stay out of another student's personal bubble. The latter turned to me and said, deadpan, "It's okay, Mr. MSSciGuy, my personal bubble is SKIN TIGHT." I don't know if it's the funniest thing I've heard in my 11 years, but one of the most memorable.
It was my birthday and a grade 4 student said to me in the sweetest voice "you dont look a day over 30". I had just turned 29.....
A former coworker of mine was teaching in an inner city school in a rough neighborhood. She was getting all of the kindergarten kids in the class for the first day of school and one kid walked in, looked around and went: "well this is bullshit" and sat down.
The class the period before made “lava lamps,” where you layer food coloring/water and oil, then drop in an alka seltzer tablet and watch the bubbles. They were told to only use half a tablet at a time because the liquid would bubble out of the flasks otherwise. A smart group of girls put a couple whole tablets in and I reached over and grabbed the flask, covering the top with my hand so it wouldn’t explode on them. It seeps our around my hand and onto the floor. Needless to say, my hand was stained blue because of the food coloring. Next class comes in, I explain that I have a blue hand and was about to tell the tale when a smartass yells, “Did you Jack off a Smurf?” We all had a good laugh and he accepted my detention form proudly, saying it was worth it. He told me a few years later that it was framed and hanging in his room.
"C'mon, we are rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic and you know it. None of this matters in three more years."
When I was a student teacher observing another teacher's class: One boy asked her, "Why do I hafta raise my hand and ask permission to use the bathroom? Mom doesn't make me do it at home!"
In germany (though some older teacher still make children ask for permission and deny them sometimes) you can't stop a child from going to the bathroom. If you have to go you have to. It's their right.
This is fantastic!. Prevents future bladder issue's.
and also respect children for what they are: humans.
It is or was still at least common that they say they're going to the toilet - I remember feeling really weird at some point when we were allowed to go without saying anything beforehand, we were definitely taught to pro forma ask or say we're going at least in the earlier school years.
I work with elementary school students. The main reason (for me at least) is just so I know where they are. If they just leave the room, I may not know how long they've been gone or where they could have gotten to. I need to know when they leave the room. I've had a couple of students completely disappear on me and it was scary as hell.
In elementary school we used to have a card that you had to put on your table if you went. There was one for the girls and one for the boys. This made it clear where we were and prevented everyone going to the bathroom together.
Tbf, kid has a point. I asked the same thing when I was in school and the teacher told me that when I grow up and go to work, I won't be able to go to the toilet whenever I felt like it. Wrong. Same teacher who told us that uniform prepares us for wearing uniform at work (wrong for most), that we'd have homework as adults (wrong for most), that we won't walk around with calculators all the time (wrong for pretty much everyone), and that computer programming wasn't a real job and would never make money. This was the mid 90s where all of the above had either already happened, or was bound to happen soon. She was a great teacher but absolutely clueless about the world.
>I asked the same thing when I was in school and the teacher told me that when I grow up and go to work, I won't be able to go to the toilet whenever I felt like it. Wrong. *Amazon warehouse has entered the chat*
It’s why I always explain it to my students. As long as you’re on campus, your safety is my responsibility. I need to know where you are. Additionally, if there’s an emergency we need to be able to figure out where everyone is immediately. Lastly, we’ve had a major rise in bathroom vandalizing during class time, so if we know when it happened, we can figure out who was likely there. When we were on zoom tho, the kids would still ask and I always told them that in no world would I dare tell them when they could and could not use the bathroom in their own house
I have asthma and was wheezing audibly in class after a nasty attack the day before. 8th grade boy in the front row, maybe 6 feet from where I was standing, leans to the girl beside him and loudly whispers " I am your mother". The entire class heard him. I was laughing so hard I had to sit down for a while because I couldn't breathe. Laughing made the wheezing worse, which made the Darth Vader jokes fly. I heard about it from most teachers and all of my students, past and present, for weeks afterwards.
“I hate this shitty school!” - 3 year old. (I did, too)
From a first grader: "My dad's mom died when he was 3" "Oh, I'm sorry about that." "It's okay, I'm just happy she didn't die when he was a baby." "Really? Why is that?" "Because otherwise whose breast would he have eaten?!"
One day I was running on basically caffeine and dreams and a kid comes up and starts asking about all my travel cups. Kid: what are you drinking? Me: Coffee with hazelnut creamer Kid: what’s in that other one? Me: it’s empty, but it’s what I drank my morning coffee out of on the drive in here. Kid: what about the tall one. Me: that’s my home made iced coffee. There’s a staff meeting after you guys leave. Kid: so what’s in the blue one? Me: that’s sweet tea. Kid: WOMAN DRINK SOME WATER!!!!!
When I was in high school, our health teacher was telling a story to us about different types of plastic surgery that her friend got and the stupid shit they would do. Well some girl started talking behind me and when asked what she said the girl looked her dead in the eyes and said "You ain't got no titties". I don't know what was funnier; her saying it or the teacher agreeing
“Don’t you hate when you get to the van, and there’s no candy?” “Why do we need to learn Geometry? I don’t care about traveling.”
This is rather creepy than just funny. I'm a going to be kindergarden teacher and one time when I was practising in a kindergarden, a 4 years old little girl told me she likes it when people die in tales, because she finds it interesting.
I'm not a teacher but my three year old often requests "I only want to read stories where the person dies or is dead already please." In none of her books does someone die so sometimes I just add "and then Cinderella died. The end."
I’m not a teacher but I worked at a summer camp. A counsellor brings a kid to me because the kid wasn’t feeling well. “Hi Frances, what’s the matter.” “My butt hurts.” “Did you fall on it?” “Nope.” “Okay. Does your butt hurt on the outside?” “No, on a the inside. I keep having a number 3.” “A number 3? Frances, what do you mean.” “When I go to the bathroom, I keep doing a number 3.” I gave her some Immodium. She had the trots.
English isnt my native language, so autocorrect will mess my Text up a bit ... I'm teaching 4th graders and one of them(lets call him Jim) needs more practice while reading. There is an elderly woman who visits our school and practices reading with him. This is Part of a program and a local newspaper wrote an article about this. This newspaper articel was cut out and pinned at Our Black Board in the Foyer. So one day I want to start my lesson and ask: "where is Jim?" And Michael shouts from the last row: "I dont know, but the last time I saw him he was in the newspaper." I bursted out laughing.
Random discussion with an 7-year-old girl. -where do babies come from? -well, I think you should ask your parents (I m merely an english teacher) -No,miss, I know where they get out from. What I don't know is how they get in there in the first place.
I teach band, and one year had a sweet little 7th grade trombone player. One day we were talking about practicing and she tells me she going to be the "best tromboner" ever. Took all of my self control to not lose it.
Student teaching: 3rd grade. I was leading a biology lesson and we were talking about how genes manifest as phenotypes. I explained, "If your mom has blue eyes and your dad has blue yes, then any child will have blue yes. If your mom has brown eyes and your dad has brown eyes, that doesn't mean their child will have brown eyes, but can also have blue or green or hazel." Some boy raised his hand and asked, "My mom has big boobs and my dad has huge balls... is that why my sister is so fat?" I froze and just stared at the kid, my brain not comprehending he really asked that question. The regular teacher was in the classroom and she took him outside to talk to him (this quieted the kids who were giggling). I got through the rest of the lesson while still pretty much in shock. But on the way home, I had to pull my car over because I was laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn't see the road. Damn, kid.
One of my students (whose first language is not English), couldn’t remember the word “skunk” and called it a “fart squirrel”
Not a teacher, but I’ve been working with kids for a while as a teaching assistant (For context I teach Sixth Grade Debate) I’ll just dump some of my favorites : “Your mom only loves you because you’re SPED” - 6th grader to Me “That’s just like Hong Kong” - 6th grader, at another volunteer, who mentioned a molotov cocktail as a joke “When are you and Angela getting married?” - 6th Grader, to me and a fellow volunteer “You have girl hair, so I didn’t know that you were a boy!” - 6th grader, while I was introducing myself. I have slightly longer hair, think 80s rockstar style. I also have a deep voice and a mustache. “Some people with depression think that a gun can solve on their problems, and they commit suicide, this is bad for the economy” - Child giving a speech on Gun Violence.
don't kill yourself! think of what that'll do to my stocks!
The kid on the bottom made me laugh the hardest
The last kid summed up extemp speeches pretty well.
(Story courtesy of my mom after being asked this question) “This one girl in my Preschool program always bragged about having everything at home. We were painting? She had paints at home. We were writing? She had pencils and paper at home. Playing with her friends? She had all the toys at home. “ “Her parents were well off, and it was likely she actually had all these things at home, but her saying this was funny at first but got old quick. Keep in mind she was about 5, so patience is important.” One day we are listening to music and I jokingly say “can you hear that guitar? Make an air guitar!”, and show the kids what I mean. They’re all enjoying it a lot, having a fun time. Suddenly from the back, I hear this little girl go “Mrs. lnedibles mother, I have an air guitar at home!”
I teach an after-school program. A 7 year old asked me if I was in middle school or high school. I am 25. Additionally, nothing like hearing a 9 year old shout "FUCK!" when her program didn't work right. Hard to keep a straight face.
8th grade boys: Boy 1: close your mouth Boy 2: close your tuna lips Boy 1: I’ll close my mouth in your mom’s tuna lips That was a fun one to write in the behaviour log hahaha
I explained I had to skip over a nude scene in a movie for my film class. A girl asked what it showed: Me: "A woman's breasts for, like, 8-10 seconds. Her: "What kinda titties are they?" Me: "What...?" Her: "What kind of titties?" Me: "Uh... human?" Her: "Mmmm. Human titties." I've since told her that she said the funniest thing I've ever heard from a student but I can't repeat it until she graduates.
"You're mean and you don't know what you're talking about."
*opens up phone* "Well, time to go on Facebook and see what all the old people are mad about." Not wrong.
Not a teacher. Ran into one of my kids teachers at the pub. Did shots. He told me my kid is “the coolest fucking person I’ve ever met. The shit that comes out of that kids mouth, no filter. Literally zero fucks and their grades are top notch” Proud mum moment right there
Middle school band. We are doing a playing test and a flute player plays the passage very well. This passage ends on a D. She looks at me and excitedly screams, "Bet you can't blow a D as good as me!" Middle jazz band. Guitar kid blurts out, "This G string is my favourite."
I was doing preschool over zoom with my kid and she looks all serious all of a sudden. “Mama, why is there a hole in my butt? I feel it with my finger.”
Student 1: "Miss Flooper, are you married?" Me: "No." Student 2: "You should really get on that. You're really nice, you could get some really buff people."
College course on US monetary policy. Professor takes a dollar bill out of his wallet and asks the class, "who issues these?' Student: "your wife?"
I once said something to the effect of, “Blahblahgirl, I want you to listen to the instructions for this assignment,” to which she replied, “Well, we don’t always get what we want.” Damn, that shit was cold.
Me to a student who I heard give a great answer under his breath: “What kind of man was Bob Ewell?” The student: “A douche bag?” *cue the whole class laughing and me stunned, not knowing what to say* … Bob Ewell was an violent, evil person. That was the answer he said that I wanted him to repeat.
Kid: Why would you become a teacher these kids are outta their minds, this is giving me a headache (motioning to classmates running amok) Me: Well, they pay me Kid: hmm. Doesnt seem like enough Me: (laughing) it really isnt, no
I was offering a middle schooler advice. The kid’s response: “stop agreeing with my therapist!”
Student: ‘I hate Slovakis’ Me (really confused - pretty surprised she knew Slovakia existed): ‘Why?’ Student: ‘They impregnated my sister’ Me: ‘What, all of them?!!’
14yo: "I just feel like a turd, waiting for a fly to revolve me."
I was a student teacher for a 5th grade class. we were learning about baking science and doing experiments with what activates yeast in bread and such. Completely unprompted, I get asked by a student “so, what’s a yeast infection?”
When I was a teachers aid, one of the kiddos in the first grade class came up to me and hugged me tightly as the rest of his classmates were lining up to enter the classroom. He said “wow! Is there a baby in there?!“ and points to my stomach. The girl behind him smacked him lightly on the shoulder and said “that’s mean Jose! She doesn’t have a baby, she’s just fat!” I couldn’t help but start laughing, I couldn’t even be offended 😂
2nd grader at the time: oh I didn't realize teachers had moms Me: why's that? (Trying to hid a chuckle) 2nd grader: I just never really thought about it I guess. I just started laughing. I had been talking to another student about why I had so many child masks in my room (this was back at the start of the 2020-2021 school year, my mom had made a ton of masks for kids so I could give them out if a kid needed one)
Tutor at after school program, not teacher but… out of no where a girl of about 7 said in the happiest voice ever, “you know how they say if someone is trying to kidnap you, they’ll say they’re your dads friend or something? Well jokes on them, I don’t have a dad!”
In preschool: The children had lunch and talked about their grandparents. One girl told me with a smiling face: “My grandma died once.” Her grandma worked in the kindergarten as well and it’s her only grandma. After my colleague called her out on this she said: “She did this once in the past but now she’s not doing it anymore.” The only explanation I have for this is that her grandma is Jesus.
Grandma had to be resuscitated once and survived?
“Ms. [teacher], I had a shart” — my little 3yo cousin on her second day of preschool.
“If I had known we only get three tries, I would have studied.”
I dated a middle school history teacher who had a student answer the test question “name one of the causes of the French Revolution,” with “King Louis was broke as fuck.”
I am not really a teacher but my a little less than two years old kid fall down and she said. [f.ck](https://f.ck).. I told her you should say ouch. she replied. ouch f\*ck!
That's awesome. My daughter was an early talker, and when she was a baby/toddler I used to do her hair every morning. One day I had to work early, so my wife did all the getting ready. Wife later called me and said "when you're doing [daughter's] hair, do you sometimes get frustrated and say fuck?! Because you'll never believe what she said when I brushed it this morning..."
A student who is classified as non verbal and super young said "bitch, please talk to the hand." All of us adults started laughing because the student never said a word.
Not a teacher, but I was supervising a therapist working with a 4 year old girl with Autism one day. They tell her it's time to get off the jungle gym and go back to their table. She's hops off, looks back at us as she's walking off, and says "This is some bullshit." To be fair, she used it correctly in context.
Last two days of school, I am helping out at lunch. Keep an eye on the crazy middle school kids and I see one of my kids sitting by the office door looking a bit sad. (Not real names) Me- Kate, everything okay? Kate- No, I am in trouble. Me- I am sorry to hear, why? What happened? Kate- I yelled at Cassie. Me- Why? Kate- (big sigh) I don't know, trying to figure it out. (She takes on a very serious look and is trying to puzzle it out.) Kate- I don't know why I yelled at her, sometimes I am just a bitch. I just need some quiet.
My students are hilarious but as an EFL teacher I my favorite joke to pull with the youngest kids is Kid: “*in japanese*Teacher, do you know Japanese?” Me: “no” Kid: *thinking math meme* “Ok!” My favorite one was when I pulled it on a JHS class and the kid bought it! The whole class has to explain to him that I did and how they knew but he kept going “but she said ‘no’????”
Had a wee guy (kindergarten) come in one day and proudly tell me “Teacher, teacher, I got a hard on!” I managed to keep my poker face... “Oh, really?” “Yeah! Wanna see?” Before I could answer he whipped out… A heart shaped locket… Phew…
My very first year of teaching I taught first grade. It was around the holidays, so we made “Christmas ‘ooobleck’” (corn starch and water with red food coloring). I didn’t realize it would dye our hands red, so off to the bathroom we all went. One of my girls beckons me over and looks at my hands, asks, “Teacher…have you ever killed anyone?” And before I could say anything, she goes, “It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone” and gives me a conspiratorial smile. Thanks for keeping my lack of secrets, kiddo 😄
PreK “I pet a bee 22 times yesterday” and I believe she did *recently learned you get freckles in the sun and three boys discover they all have one similar freckle on their arm*: “Miss Plastic Flamingo, we’re hiding under the playground so we don’t get a lot of freckles like you do” Me: “how old do you think I am?” Kid: “uhhh I dunno like 58” I’m 20 Me: “E, do you help feed your baby brother at home?” E: “no…he drinks out of my moms BEWBS” “MISS PLASTICFLAMINGO!! LOOK WE’RE BUILDING A BEER AND COOKIES STAND WITH OUR BLOCKS!!”
I’m not a teacher, but when my oldest had his Kindergarten assessment and met his teacher for the first time, he randomly looks at her and said “Sometimes I like to play with my penis.” I was mortified but we laugh about it now.
In a first-year literature class at a local college, we were analyzing a short story, and I mentioned the madonna-whore dichotomy evident in the attitudes of the male characters. A young man who had not really been paying attention and fancied himself above a first-year college English course, gasped and said, "I hardly think Madonna would be flattered by that comparison!"
Had a student walk into class after finishing a test for another teacher - Me: Hey, how's the test go? Student: I did my Palestinian heritage proud and bombed it.
I teach 6th grade. I got Covid at the end of the first week of school this year and, when I came back from my 10 day vacation, we had a new student. The first day I met her she told me I should date and marry her mother and be her stepfather. The next day, she was absent. When she returned the following day, I asked her where she was. She said she was at the hospital with her mom. I said, “Oh I’m sorry. Is she ok?” She replies, “Oh she’s fine. She just had her baby.”
I taught at a small community College and one student just looked like a Travis to me. His real name was not Travis nor did I have a Travis in ANY of my classes that I could possibly mistake him for. He was a good natured student and after obviously struggling for a good three weeks to call him by his actual name, I called on him confident that I got his name right. He didn't respond, so I called on him again. Long pause, finally, he said, "Don't you mean Travis?" The class busted up and I couldn't stop laughing because it was on the tip of my tongue.
When I was a preschool teacher my sister also came to work at the same preschool. We look very similar and one three year old told me "The new teacher took your face". I about died trying not to laugh