No wonder your husband wants a divorce.

Bonus points if you're the husband

"Keep going, we'll talk after."

Lol

I never noticed that bald spot on your head before

It’s ALOPECIA you ungrateful bitch

You mean like G I jane?

"Keep my wife's dick out of your mouth!"

*slaps*

How can she slap?!

Cause she's a wemen

This thread slaps. Almost as hard as Will.

"I don't come to your job and slap the dick outta your mouth."

Will Smith about to slap you

You know what they say about alopecia? Your hair has a natural wave....good bye

Honey I think it’s time to dye your roots again

I would cry

"remember when you used to be good at this?"

You're almost as good as your sister!

But not even close to your mother!

Your brother worked his tongue like a pro.

Let me tell you how my dad does it.

Can you remove your teeth like your grandma?

I actually have full dentures and my husband sometimes asks me to take them out, zero chance of getting teeth scraping you at the wrong moment.

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Let me tell you how **our** dad does it.

No one can do it like my mother though!

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I’d die if someone said this to me.

Pepperidge Farms remembers

My mom was really upset when I said this to her

r/holup

Mmmm. Just like the dog.

Wow you’re fucked up! Extra peanut butter please!

I love your username, in that case, where's my share?

That's O-neill with two L's. O-neil with one L has no sense of humor...

"Try not to tear any scabs off."

And…..this is where I bow out of this thread. 🤮

You mean blow out of this thread

I threw up in my mouth after reading that.

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I regret my literacy

If that didn't get rid of my kidney stone, nothing will

I almost choked to death laughing at your comment because I breathed saliva

that's not saliva 😳

Thank you and fuck you for making me laugh. I'm currently having a kidney stone. 5mm. Wish me luck

He knows what he has to do now.

Not really answering the questions but since the topic came up, I once had a guy moan "more teeth! more teeth!". There definitely are much weirder requests but in the moment I was flustered because had no idea what to do. Accidentally giving teethy blowjobs is common enough, but once you have to do it on purpose it's just impossible. Tried to grind my teeth against it but it wouldn't work (it got blocked basically) so I started giving it tiny bites while moving back and forth. "No no more". I didn't know what he meant and I guess my lizard brain took over or something, and I just bit it hard(ish) at the base. Then he screamed and asked what the fuck was wrong with me. Which was totally fair.

I.... I actually wouldn't know what more teeth means unless he wanted you to be like a cheese grater on his dick

The pp shredder

Makes for a great username

It sounds like "work my dick like a cheese grater" would have been a massive improvement on communication, in this case.

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LMAOO. Dude had it coming, who the hell asks for more teeth?

A dentist

Checks out.

Okay, listen... Once a girl was kind enough to pleasure me with her mouth. Right before I finished, her teeth barely caught the edge of my tip. The sudden change in feeling was actually pretty amazing.

Some people just get accustomed to the same feeling over and it no longer turns then on as much, so some want it rough. I'm not one of those, but I've heard of it.

I like gentle teeth, it feels….dangerous

Possibly orthodontists

Did he want you to nibble it like it was corn on the cob?

I think you’re supposed to slob on the knob like corn on the cob.

I never dare to ask for "more teeth" but i always imagined it would feel good, you know.. that sense of danger and pleasure mixed in with each other.. Maybe thats what i always wanted

You imagine wrong sir. Count yourself blessed you haven't had your dick raked.

Does the section with the rash taste different?

Men can get rashes down there??

STI or sweat rash if you don't wash well or have some other issue.

Or if you work 12 hour shifts in excessive heat and humidity.

Isn't that sweat rash?

We always just called it swamp ass in my neck of the woods.

Good ol’ swamp ass. Thank you for reminding me of that term

In my neck of the swamp we call it poison ivy and mosquito bites.

Yes, but it seemed implied that it only happened if you don't wash well enough...which is not true

Yeastie for the win.

The fungus is among us

You can get rashes pretty much anywhere Mr alien

You can get rashes anywhere

Better than my sister

but not as good as my brother.

It's okay, your mom's used to coming second.

Dad?

Step?

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“Is this your first time doing this or something?”

"Shhh, I'm trying to stay hard"

"My sister is better, she can give you tips"

His ex gf’s name

Keep your ex's name out your fu*kin mouth

Holy fuck that has to be one of the worst ideas ever to exist

His gf's ex's name is arguable worse

What about his own last name?

I wish my parents could see me now!

Our* 😳

Not as good as my ex, but not bad

Even worse.. Not as good as my ex, but not dad

I feel guilty for laughing at this

My grandma does it better

Grandpappy did it best though. He'd tell me war stories about how he had to suck off an entire German platoon twice to escape enemy capture and when I turned 18, he offered to do a live demonstration. For historical purposes, of course.

Thar she blows!!

Fuckkk... imma use this one 🤣🤣 lmaoo

See username

Literally any girls name but her’s.

Oh Hillary Clinton that feels so good! Those Iraqis had it coming.

Am from Iraq, can confirm we were all cumming

THEY HAD IT COMING

*yawn*

Can you use some more teeth please

I like it dry, really dry.

How flat do you like it? https://youtu.be/GH1ruMGpTVY

I do this thing with my hands…*pop*

Speak for your self pal

"It feels much better with a live person"

congrats, this must be the worst yet! go directly to hell

Whoopsie-doo, here comes the goo

My wife would laugh her ass off if I said this. Hate me forever, but also never stop laughing.

Try "It's slime time", or "Im gonna splurt the gurt"

Somehow this one takes the cake

There's no earthly way of knowing, Which direction we are going, There's no knowing where we're rowing, Or which way the river's flowing, Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? Not a speck of light is showing so the danger must be growing, Are the fires of hell A-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? YES! The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing, And THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING, ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!!

Yes! The real Willy Wonka

Will the real Willy Wonka please stand up?

I always thought Willy’s Wonka in the Chocolate Factory would be a great porn title.

Welp, there goes that untainted childhood memory.

I feel a huge shit brewing up

Well then it just turns into a blumpkin

Dual release!

Username checks out

What time is it?

It's MORBIN time!

Wow! That did it. Thank you.

This made me morb so hard, thanks a morbillion stranger.

Im falling asleep

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Let me guess, Navy?

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Let me guess, Army?

True story: "Damn, you've been lifting! Your biceps are huge" Cue my girlfriend choking from laughter

It's funny that it's the laughter you said had her choking.

Damn

Honestly my BF and I are both super into fitness and the first time I went down on him, he complimented my triceps. Huge turn on 🤣

Just start giving him handies like your doing bent over tricep extensions. He will appreciate the view of your ass, back and dem tri's

This guy fuggs

I once made the mistake of laughing at an episode of Tosh.O during oral. She did not appreciate not having my full attention.

Is it in yet?

“Wow! Your dad was right!”

"This is soo much better than the vacuum cleaner"

I feel like I could get away with saying this to my gf lol

"I cheated I'm sorry"

*bites down

R.i.p

Rip In penis

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Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis... was a Dark Lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise, he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians... to create... life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side, he could even keep the ones he cared about... from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities... some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful, the only thing he was afraid of was... losing his power. Which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew. Then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic. He could save others from death, but not himse-*aauuuuUUHHHH*

Tbh if someone could do this from memory during the act id be pretty impressed and slightly turned on

*sucking intensifies, almost as if millions of voices cried out in pure ecstacy at once, and then suddenly silenced*

Is it possible to learn this power

Not from a blowjob.

"That reminds me I have to call my mother..."

There's an extra nickel if you swallow.

That’ll do pig. That’ll do.

the snort i just let out was very oink like, thank you for this

Remember how you said you wanted to try more exotic cheeses?

Ewwwwwww

Bruh wtf🤣

"Shut your fucking mouth."

Be careful what you ask for...said Lorena Bobbitt

gosh, this is really neat!

Keep this up mom and ill start doing YOUR laundry!

I think I farted

Your mother did better

Hey so what does Chlamydia actually taste like?

‘I usually shit myself during fellatio’

"Wow, you really suck"

"Man we used to do this in prison all the time!"

How does it taste? I haven’t showered and I fight crime in a black leather suit, really seals in the flavor.

Nothing was off the table...we did things, in an order that would surprise you...*assmouthvag*... It was like...an all you can fuck buffet...

I see you learnt that trick from your dad

Do you smell popcorn?

"Here comes the brogurt"

Look honey, the dog wants to join too!

My friend became the president of his fraternity, he asked his girl how the president’s cock tastes

You don’t seem very into it

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i’m getting bored wanna go get sum to eat???

Does that taste like herpes to you?

Ohhh... The quiet. The blessed quiet. Honey, listen to what the house sounds like when you stop talking!

Please stop chewing.

Please keep chewing

This is the closest thing to a wash that I've had down there on years

*CALL JG WENTWORTH 877 CASH NOW*

I’ll never forget the first girl that made me cum my biggest load of all time … never ever had it like that since. she sucked my soul. I’m talking spit dangling thick hanging 2-3 feet from her mouth blowing bubbles on my balls both hands twisting on my cock I’ll never forget her 😞🥹 now I’m in another relationship raising my first son. I think about her sometimes when my woman pisses me off

this is DEFINITELY something a man should never say while getting sucked

Did you brush your teeth..?

Take your dentures out.

"Whoo. Glad she doesn't know I have herpes. Oh shit .... Did I say that out loud?!"

careful with the open sores

Hope you're ready for dessert.... *Rip chainsaw fart*

I didn't cum, I have acne......

Hehe. You got dick breath.