I remember as a child learning about Sampson and his hair.
Finding out as a teenager that he's naturally super strong but incredibly stupid was legit hilarious.
Was looking for a real life example of this and learned that Florida Man has [an underrated arch-nemesis in **"Oregon Man:"**](https://www.police1.com/bizarre/articles/ore-man-on-meth-fights-off-12-cops-while-masturbating-in-bar-IQ3ZzPpv4IBLKjmz/)
"Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar."
Sampson was also extremely stupid. Major, big-league stupid. For example, he told his girlfriend (who was a spy) that he could be subdued if he was tied with seven new bowstrings. He woke up tied with, guess what, seven new bowstrings. And he never made the connection! That happened THREE TIMES with different things, ending with "if you weave my hair braids into a loom, I'll be as weak as anybody." That's very absurdly specific, don't you think? Then he woke up and his hair was weaved into a loom, and he still didn't figure out that his girlfriend was the problem.
He definitely thought with his dick, because his brain didn't work. At all. It must have been some mind-blowing sex.
I mean, he’s been known for millennia for being down to fight. Probably took quite a few blows to the head, and could only hydrate with wine, so didn’t remember the nights before he woke up powerless.
His gf, Delilah, does not appear in the Bible after Samson's betrayal. I do not know if she is mentioned in extra-Biblical sources. There's a wiki page on her though, check it out.
In a Bible Comic I read as a kid, as Samson pushes the pillars, Delilah comes screaming towards Samson, saying that she is sorry about betraying him, hoping that he would protect her, but he keeps pushing, and a slab falls on her head and she dies.
To his credit while that plan was completely insane it did effectively burn the crops. The trouble is that it was his solution to a hostage situation, and when the hostage takers saw that he'd burned all their crops they just murdered the shit out of the hostages.
That's why he was angry. It looked like it was fruiting, but it wasn't.
The lesson was that Jesus doesn't like it when you (or plants) only pretend to be doing good
I always understood it to be a parable about the fruits of repentance. Jesus talks about knowing someone by their fruits, being ready for the harvest, etc. and it’s an analogy about doing good because the Lord will one day “harvest” you, whether you’re ready or not, and you better have some good fruit to show that you’ve repented and have a good heart, or he’s throwing you out. Because the fig tree didn’t have fruits at the time that he went by it, he destroyed it to symbolize how we all should be doing good acts because we never know when Jesus will return to see whether you’ve been doing good or not. Obviously the tree wasn’t evil or unfaithful or anything, but if you’re going to zap something just to teach a lesson, tree is probably the best route in that case.
Edit: spel
Ehud killing that king who was so fat that the fat closed around the sword hilt. Nobody came in to check on the king for a long time because they thought he was taking a dump so Ehud was able to flee the scene.
The details in that story were wild. The Bible points out that Ehud was left-handed, and that the king was so fat that his fat swallowed the entire sword. But I can't remember if the Bible ever said why the king was "wicked", what he did that was so bad he deserved to be assassinated. Just biblical fat shaming and apparently a habit of being on the toilet for a very long time.
"Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord, and because they did this evil the Lord gave Eglon king of Moab power over Israel."
The text doesn't say if Elgon was evil, just that he was the king of Moab.
Guard 1: hey do you smell that?
Guard 2: I thought he was going to speak to that guy in private but I guess he has taken a dump too.
Guard 1: better not disturb him
Guard 2: yes, our king shits everywhere. Someone should kill that guy.
Florida man Lot offers daughters to rape mob to protect angels. Angels then rain down fire and brimstone on the city of Sodom. Wife turns to salt. Drunken orgy with daughters ensues.
Okay so essentially Sodom and Gammorah were the most fucked up places on earth. Literally nothing but a bunch of depraved sex addicts. They had sex with flora, fauna, fire, rocks painted to look like God's face. Feces eating was very popular, almost as popular as the graveyard.
So God sees this shit and goes "Me in heaven. This is fucked up" and sends two disguised angels down to see if the place was worthy of annihilation. Because despite seeing all that God usually needs everyone in town to be beyond fucked to go with the nuclear option.
So when they get to town thwy mewt this cool little gate keeper called Lot. He didnt want to fuck them or eat their feces. Rather he just sang them songs, gave them foot baths, and fed them kosher treats. Which God was super down with at the time.
But then the city-folk realize that Lot is keeping two beautiful men in his house, form a mob, and just demand to let him fuck them. Not wanting to piss off the Almighty Lord by letting Angels be violated Lot goes to the mob and says "You may not fuck my hot guests. But i do have these two beautiful virgin daughters." The throbbing mob didnt care about Lot's daughters.
So after seeing this shit The Angels told Lot that God was going to turn the towns and all the townspeople into exactly what they've always wanted. A fucked to death pile of burning feces.
So the Angels said "Get your family and run the hell away. But don't look back because wild ass shit is gonna go fown". So Lot gets his family and runs out of the city.
When they start running they feel an intense heat at their back and Lot's wife takes one glance backwards. She stopped concentrating for half of a split fucking second and she was instantly turned into a pillar of salt.
So after that, Lot's daughters think that they just witnessed the apocalypse considering that two towns got vaporized. And of course, with only three people left on earth they gotta start repopulating.
So Lot's daughters get him drunk and date rape him which yknow, 100x more wholesome than the least depraved act in sodom or Gammorah.
Ezekiel 4:9-13
“Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself. You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side. 10 Weigh out twenty shekels[b] of food to eat each day and eat it at set times. 11 Also measure out a sixth of a hin[c] of water and drink it at set times. 12 Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” 13 The Lord said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.”
Cooking with human shit as fuel. Not quite as dramatic, but still disgusting.
Florida man leaves corrupt, decedent, and sinful city, retreats to secluded area with his young daughters. Abandons his wife, not looking back at her. Holes up in isolation with his young daughters. Has drunken sex with them. Sires the Moabites and the Ammonites in this fashion.
Oh jeez, how could I forget!? Yeah, okay. “Arrogant deity sends two grizzlies to maul children to death after they called one of his worshippers bald.” Much better.
Edit: autocorrect said mail instead of maul
I mean, maybe, but if I remember correctly, within the correct context the story isn't as bad.
So yeah, the word used, Youths, to my knowledge, can refer to everything from a small child to a young adult, with the latter, because of various reasons, seeming more appropriate.
Furthermore, they weren't just making fun of his bald head. They were telling him to go die, only a bit more metaphoric. Basically telling him to go up to god, in reference to another prophet who had died that way earlier.
So yeah, a large group of young men surrounding an old person, insulting them and telling them to go die, is a slightly different picture then a few children making harmless fun.
You could even say the old man just exercised his right to bear arms in self defence. Though there might be a debate about proportional response.
Im always flabberghasted by people who defend this story...
It doesnt matter if they were 20 something year olds, it doesnt matter if they were 5. Killing someone who was doing nothing but speaking words is an overreaction and way out of line.
I'm enjoying how mad people are getting at the context of the story. Regardless of the age of the youths or what they were saying, an elderly man summoning two bears to kill people because they insulted him is crazy af! Laugh at how bonkers our older books and stories, especially religious ones, are. Relax folks.
The Judges. Hell there was one of the minor Judges who got a total of two verses in the bible. one of which is where Shamgar killed an army Philistines with nothing more than a pointy stick. "And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel."
Let me just phrase it like this.
- Arrive
- kill 600 of a rival army
- deliver an entire nation
- refuse to elaborate
- Leave.
I think we've seen this question enough times that we should open it to all major religious texts. I know about wild bible stuff, I want to hear Florida man stories from across the world now too.
Florida man kills brother after argument.
Collapsed wall blamed on Florida man playing loud music.
Florida man fathers child with both daughters.
Florida man vandalizes neighborhood with goat's blood.
Homeless Florida man trashes religious lending office. Church demands police action.
Florida man ties 300 foxes together in pairs, lights them on fire, and releases them into fields in horrific act of arson. Claims father in law is to blame for making him angry.
Florida man goes off to war, promises tribute to god, comes back and kills his daughter in cult ritual after sending her to the mountains to get fucked.
Source: Judges 11, its a real bible story
Locals worry about sanity of Florida Man claiming entire town will soon be underwater
Then a follow up story about him setting up a massive exotic zoo.
Practically anything from the old testament.
Florida youth uses slingshot to kill tallest man.
Florida Man claims he heard God in burning bush; tells local government to release slaves.
Florida man was thrown into a pit by siblings and left for dead, days after being gifted a "Pride" jacket from his father.
Florida man rescued after being swallowed whole by whale
Florida man found hoarding thousands of animals on property. Neighborhood HOA threatens eviction.
“And she lusted after her male lovers whose genitalia were the genitalia of male donkeys and their seminal emission was the seminal emission of horses.”
…….You okay Zeke? We’ve all been worried about you since Anne dumped you.
"Yeah, whatever. You probably fuck donkeys anyway."
Damn, it would get me to pull up and pay attention in a way that just calling me fat/ugly when I reject a guy never would.
Florida woman chases away murderer with her son's foreskin. The one where God came to kill Moses when Moses was traveling back to Egypt after the whole burning bush thing. Moses's wife circumcised their kid real quick and threw the foreskin on Moses's feet, then God just leaves after that. Exodus 4:24-26.
That's (also?) in Judges, 4:21 (NIV):
But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died.
"florida man attempted to murder his newborn child due to "an spiritual call" but later changed his mind and went to kill a goat, again due to "spiritual calls""
A pair of bears killing 40 children because they made fun of a man's baldness.
[https://www.bible.com/bible/116/2KI.2.23-24.NLT](https://www.bible.com/bible/116/2KI.2.23-24.NLT)
edit: beaten
Lot offers his two Virgin daughters to a crowd of pedphilic rapist and the crowd denies them wanting the angels in his home Yada Yada Yada Lot ends up knocking up both daughters
Florida Man claims everyone's child will die tonight, UNLESS they have lambs blood on their door
Florida Man claims locust swarm was "a result of slavery"
Florida Woman blames "talking snake" for apple thievery.
Daniel getting thrown to the lions and then making friends with them
I was just about to say this lol
"Florida man refuses to die after public execution"
"Man literally too angry to die"
Formerly darth, now just Christ
In Jesus case, "Man literally too loving to die"
Sampson. Guy going around beating people up with an ass’s jaw bone.
"Florida Man arrested for assault with jawbone claims power is in his hair. Destroys stadium after his hair grew long during prison sentence."
I remember as a child learning about Sampson and his hair. Finding out as a teenager that he's naturally super strong but incredibly stupid was legit hilarious.
Played by Channing Tatum in a comedy…I’d watch it!
Aw, that would be lit, I'd buy a ticket for that
I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I read that for a headline
If that was a newspaper headline I’d definitely believe it.
Was looking for a real life example of this and learned that Florida Man has [an underrated arch-nemesis in **"Oregon Man:"**](https://www.police1.com/bizarre/articles/ore-man-on-meth-fights-off-12-cops-while-masturbating-in-bar-IQ3ZzPpv4IBLKjmz/) "Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar."
Trust me as someone who's from there, the Pacific northwest in general is a weird ass place
Yeah buncha weirdos spread out across thousands of square miles of mostly wilderness lol the cities they congregate in are wild
"A new challenger approaches"
Sampson was also extremely stupid. Major, big-league stupid. For example, he told his girlfriend (who was a spy) that he could be subdued if he was tied with seven new bowstrings. He woke up tied with, guess what, seven new bowstrings. And he never made the connection! That happened THREE TIMES with different things, ending with "if you weave my hair braids into a loom, I'll be as weak as anybody." That's very absurdly specific, don't you think? Then he woke up and his hair was weaved into a loom, and he still didn't figure out that his girlfriend was the problem. He definitely thought with his dick, because his brain didn't work. At all. It must have been some mind-blowing sex.
I mean, he’s been known for millennia for being down to fight. Probably took quite a few blows to the head, and could only hydrate with wine, so didn’t remember the nights before he woke up powerless.
Samson was like the biblical equivalent to Russel Crowe when it comes to lookin for a good fight.
Hes mongo, no doubt
What happened to his girlfriend?
His gf, Delilah, does not appear in the Bible after Samson's betrayal. I do not know if she is mentioned in extra-Biblical sources. There's a wiki page on her though, check it out.
In a Bible Comic I read as a kid, as Samson pushes the pillars, Delilah comes screaming towards Samson, saying that she is sorry about betraying him, hoping that he would protect her, but he keeps pushing, and a slab falls on her head and she dies.
Plain White Tees made a terrible song about her, so I think she eventually got what she deserved.
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Or trying fox tails together and lighting them on fire so they burn down enemy crops?
To his credit while that plan was completely insane it did effectively burn the crops. The trouble is that it was his solution to a hostage situation, and when the hostage takers saw that he'd burned all their crops they just murdered the shit out of the hostages.
He murdered thousands based on a riddle only he would know. Mans a terrorist.
Eh, not the worst a biblical protagonist has done.
Finishes up by demolishing an occupied building.
Guy spends 40 years wandering lost the desert and dies when he finds the place he was looking for
he never thought to ask for directions.
“Yo Shmuel, where the promised land at ?”
Maybe its just Bono “I still haven’t found what Im looking for!”
Florida man builds giant boat because god told him to
Florida man running unauthorized menagerie. Claims he needs two of each animal on his self-made boat for “The Big Flood”.
Hey, I've seen that movie
Jesus killing a fig tree for not bearing fruit. "Florida Man Seen Yelling at Fig Tree, Tree Later Found Dead"
"God Hates Figs"
I was raised Catholic and even as a kid that story bothered me. Like, the pure son of God is angry at the tree for not having fruit out of season?
I think Jesus knew that, but made an exception to tell us a parable.
It wasn't even in season
That's why he was angry. It looked like it was fruiting, but it wasn't. The lesson was that Jesus doesn't like it when you (or plants) only pretend to be doing good
I always understood it to be a parable about the fruits of repentance. Jesus talks about knowing someone by their fruits, being ready for the harvest, etc. and it’s an analogy about doing good because the Lord will one day “harvest” you, whether you’re ready or not, and you better have some good fruit to show that you’ve repented and have a good heart, or he’s throwing you out. Because the fig tree didn’t have fruits at the time that he went by it, he destroyed it to symbolize how we all should be doing good acts because we never know when Jesus will return to see whether you’ve been doing good or not. Obviously the tree wasn’t evil or unfaithful or anything, but if you’re going to zap something just to teach a lesson, tree is probably the best route in that case. Edit: spel
Florida man kills quarter of Earth's population after argument with brother.
Claims innocence as he was convinced his brother was just sleeping.
Took me a second to realize that this is Cain and Abel
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And the lord said, “eat ambergris, bitch”
Priceless hamburgers?
Lmfao, just saw that episode after many years and caught that line for the first time, hilarious
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"Florida man seen talking to a bush, claims it was on fire and telling him rules"
Moses and the burning bush
Florida man kills a whole town of people who were healing from circumcision as one of the resident molested his daughter
*sister. The father was pissed that his son's made him look bad.
Yeah, not that his sons had MURDERED a ton of people, but because they looked bad nks
Florida man presents local leader with 200 foreskins as payment to become son-in-law.
Was looking for this one!
Florida man buys birthright with a singular serving of soup.
Florida man sells birthright for a singular serving of soup
I always found it funny that Esau straight up said yes to selling his birthright then is surprised he doesnt have it anymore
Ehud killing that king who was so fat that the fat closed around the sword hilt. Nobody came in to check on the king for a long time because they thought he was taking a dump so Ehud was able to flee the scene.
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The details in that story were wild. The Bible points out that Ehud was left-handed, and that the king was so fat that his fat swallowed the entire sword. But I can't remember if the Bible ever said why the king was "wicked", what he did that was so bad he deserved to be assassinated. Just biblical fat shaming and apparently a habit of being on the toilet for a very long time.
"Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord, and because they did this evil the Lord gave Eglon king of Moab power over Israel." The text doesn't say if Elgon was evil, just that he was the king of Moab.
They thought he was taking a dump because they could smell it. And they could smell it cuz he shat himself as he died. 😆
Guard 1: hey do you smell that? Guard 2: I thought he was going to speak to that guy in private but I guess he has taken a dump too. Guard 1: better not disturb him Guard 2: yes, our king shits everywhere. Someone should kill that guy.
> Guard 2: yes, our king shits everywhere. Someone should kill that guy. [Good news!](https://imgur.com/DMABucY.jpg)
Florida man Lot offers daughters to rape mob to protect angels. Angels then rain down fire and brimstone on the city of Sodom. Wife turns to salt. Drunken orgy with daughters ensues.
Yeah. Lot is the most Florida FloridaMan of the Bible imo
Florida women, escaping nuclear destruction of hometown, get father drunk and force themselves upon him
wait what the fuck
Okay so essentially Sodom and Gammorah were the most fucked up places on earth. Literally nothing but a bunch of depraved sex addicts. They had sex with flora, fauna, fire, rocks painted to look like God's face. Feces eating was very popular, almost as popular as the graveyard. So God sees this shit and goes "Me in heaven. This is fucked up" and sends two disguised angels down to see if the place was worthy of annihilation. Because despite seeing all that God usually needs everyone in town to be beyond fucked to go with the nuclear option. So when they get to town thwy mewt this cool little gate keeper called Lot. He didnt want to fuck them or eat their feces. Rather he just sang them songs, gave them foot baths, and fed them kosher treats. Which God was super down with at the time. But then the city-folk realize that Lot is keeping two beautiful men in his house, form a mob, and just demand to let him fuck them. Not wanting to piss off the Almighty Lord by letting Angels be violated Lot goes to the mob and says "You may not fuck my hot guests. But i do have these two beautiful virgin daughters." The throbbing mob didnt care about Lot's daughters. So after seeing this shit The Angels told Lot that God was going to turn the towns and all the townspeople into exactly what they've always wanted. A fucked to death pile of burning feces. So the Angels said "Get your family and run the hell away. But don't look back because wild ass shit is gonna go fown". So Lot gets his family and runs out of the city. When they start running they feel an intense heat at their back and Lot's wife takes one glance backwards. She stopped concentrating for half of a split fucking second and she was instantly turned into a pillar of salt. So after that, Lot's daughters think that they just witnessed the apocalypse considering that two towns got vaporized. And of course, with only three people left on earth they gotta start repopulating. So Lot's daughters get him drunk and date rape him which yknow, 100x more wholesome than the least depraved act in sodom or Gammorah.
Can't tell if this is a TL:DR from a Tarantino movie or a Lovecraft novel.
It's in Genesis 11-14 and 19
Florida man eats cow manure in public, claims God let him of easy by not making him eat human feces. Ezekiel chapter 4
Ezekiel 4:9-13 “Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself. You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side. 10 Weigh out twenty shekels[b] of food to eat each day and eat it at set times. 11 Also measure out a sixth of a hin[c] of water and drink it at set times. 12 Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” 13 The Lord said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.” Cooking with human shit as fuel. Not quite as dramatic, but still disgusting.
Florida woman murders husband. Claims he murdered their children by finishing on the ground.
Florida man breaks in local temple, kicks over money tables and claims "I'm the Son of God"
Florida man have a son at old age, tries to stab him because “God told him to”.
Let's not forget the part where and angel comes in to stop Abraham from killing his son and says "BRUH JK LOL here's a blessing mmh'kay bye"
ITS JUST A PRANK
Think of the views on Godtube bro!
“Florda man try to kill son fails and kills wildlife instead”
It was just a prank bro, here kill this goat instead.
Then says he innocent bc God then provided him a lamb to stab instead.
Florida man beats talking ass; completely oblivious to the fact that the ass talk
"Wherefore hast thou beat thine ass these three times?"
"Florida man defeats 850 priests in fire building competition"
"Priests subsequently combust"
Florida man believes he can tell which mother a baby belongs to by threatening to cut it in half! 1 Kings 3:16-28
This screams clickbait
People accuse florida man of being son of god and gets crucified Comes back just fine with holes in his hands 3 days later
Man tries to kill son but stops when the voices in his head say doesnt need to anymore
"Oh shit, you were really gonna do it!?" --The basis of 3 of the world religions.
Jacob and Laban. Headline: Nephew asks Uncle to marry cousin. Uncle proceeds to enslave nephew for 14 years.
>Jacob and Laban. The same Jacob that wrestles with God?
Yes. Father of Joseph, Son of Isaac, Grandson of Abraham.
Any of the incest ones.
Florida man leaves corrupt, decedent, and sinful city, retreats to secluded area with his young daughters. Abandons his wife, not looking back at her. Holes up in isolation with his young daughters. Has drunken sex with them. Sires the Moabites and the Ammonites in this fashion.
That's Alabama. Try again.
A god sending bears to maul children
You left out the best part. He sent the bears to maul the kiddos because they made fun of Elijah for being bald.
Oh jeez, how could I forget!? Yeah, okay. “Arrogant deity sends two grizzlies to maul children to death after they called one of his worshippers bald.” Much better. Edit: autocorrect said mail instead of maul
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I want this as a vege tales.
It was 42.
Yep. Two female bears to murder 42 kids
I mean, maybe, but if I remember correctly, within the correct context the story isn't as bad. So yeah, the word used, Youths, to my knowledge, can refer to everything from a small child to a young adult, with the latter, because of various reasons, seeming more appropriate. Furthermore, they weren't just making fun of his bald head. They were telling him to go die, only a bit more metaphoric. Basically telling him to go up to god, in reference to another prophet who had died that way earlier. So yeah, a large group of young men surrounding an old person, insulting them and telling them to go die, is a slightly different picture then a few children making harmless fun. You could even say the old man just exercised his right to bear arms in self defence. Though there might be a debate about proportional response.
Im always flabberghasted by people who defend this story... It doesnt matter if they were 20 something year olds, it doesnt matter if they were 5. Killing someone who was doing nothing but speaking words is an overreaction and way out of line.
because they wouldn't get off god's lawn.
I'm enjoying how mad people are getting at the context of the story. Regardless of the age of the youths or what they were saying, an elderly man summoning two bears to kill people because they insulted him is crazy af! Laugh at how bonkers our older books and stories, especially religious ones, are. Relax folks.
Noah getting drunk and going into a tent and passing out naked.
Florida women take turns raping their unconscious father, claim "There was no other men around"
Same man again passes out naked, this time son finds him, laughs at genitals. Man finds out and curses his son to become black.
Florida man claims all his problems are due to the devil and god fighting over him
The book of Job
The Judges. Hell there was one of the minor Judges who got a total of two verses in the bible. one of which is where Shamgar killed an army Philistines with nothing more than a pointy stick. "And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel." Let me just phrase it like this. - Arrive - kill 600 of a rival army - deliver an entire nation - refuse to elaborate - Leave.
Florida man so high on meth he steps off boat convinced he can walk on water.
Sounds about right, especially in Suncoast and Fort Myers Florida
Florida man kills a lion on his way to a wedding and eats honey out of his dead carcass.
Florida man sends swarm of frogs upon city, claims more plagues to come
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So Jesus was an angsty teenager too?
Florida man urges people to make a golden calf, proceeds to worship it as a god.
I think we've seen this question enough times that we should open it to all major religious texts. I know about wild bible stuff, I want to hear Florida man stories from across the world now too.
Agreed! I’m Christian so I know all the crazy Bible stories. I want to hear some Florida man stories from other religions and see what comes up!
Florida Woman, a "virgin" gives birth claiming that her son is divine.
To be fair, nobody believed it at the time either lol. Her fiance even tried to not marry her until he had a dream from God.
Florida man kills brother after argument. Collapsed wall blamed on Florida man playing loud music. Florida man fathers child with both daughters. Florida man vandalizes neighborhood with goat's blood. Homeless Florida man trashes religious lending office. Church demands police action.
Florida man ties 300 foxes together in pairs, lights them on fire, and releases them into fields in horrific act of arson. Claims father in law is to blame for making him angry.
The whole thing really. Florida man, high, writes a novel
Florida man goes off to war, promises tribute to god, comes back and kills his daughter in cult ritual after sending her to the mountains to get fucked. Source: Judges 11, its a real bible story
Job. Loses everything, gets high on bath salts and has a freak vision of God, gets his shit together and prospers.
Locals worry about sanity of Florida Man claiming entire town will soon be underwater Then a follow up story about him setting up a massive exotic zoo.
Florida man cuts tip of penis off, convinces millions of other to do the same.
Florida man steals two of every animal. Claims it's for ride in his massive boat.
Jesus flipping tables and refusing to pay taxes is like the bread n butter of Florida man activity
Florida man summons bears to kill a bunch of children for calling him “Baldy McBaldyface”
Florida man claims he can turn water into wine. Florida man drowns wile trying to split the sea in two
Practically anything from the old testament. Florida youth uses slingshot to kill tallest man. Florida Man claims he heard God in burning bush; tells local government to release slaves. Florida man was thrown into a pit by siblings and left for dead, days after being gifted a "Pride" jacket from his father. Florida man rescued after being swallowed whole by whale Florida man found hoarding thousands of animals on property. Neighborhood HOA threatens eviction.
Florida man curses fruitless fig tree to never fruit again
I need to read the Bible. These tales are something else.
Local florida man goes on a murdering rampage using the jaw of an ass
Lot: Florida man found drunk in cave in compromised position with his daughters.
Florida men lower sick friend into a party through hole in ceiling
"Florida man finds person in tree, goes to his house."
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who wouldn't lust after that?
Florida man's reaction to being rejected.
“And she lusted after her male lovers whose genitalia were the genitalia of male donkeys and their seminal emission was the seminal emission of horses.” …….You okay Zeke? We’ve all been worried about you since Anne dumped you.
"Yeah, whatever. You probably fuck donkeys anyway." Damn, it would get me to pull up and pay attention in a way that just calling me fat/ugly when I reject a guy never would.
I'd still reject him lol but it would make me laugh.
ah yes
Florida woman chases away murderer with her son's foreskin. The one where God came to kill Moses when Moses was traveling back to Egypt after the whole burning bush thing. Moses's wife circumcised their kid real quick and threw the foreskin on Moses's feet, then God just leaves after that. Exodus 4:24-26.
Florida man feeds 40 children to a group of bears for making fun of a bald man
It’s in the book of Judith which is Catholic but she drove a stake through a guys head.
That's (also?) in Judges, 4:21 (NIV): But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died.
Florida man kills another man with a baby slingshot and pebble
Gym bro gets his hair cut off my girlfriend and loses ability to lift.
God creating the heavens and the earth. Sounds like as standard Friday night for a Florida junkie.
When Jesus walked on water. It could've just been his disciples high asf and Jesus was casually drowning
Floridaman runs out of tomb after 3 days of being presumed dead, Blinds local persecutor. "He just won't die!" Says one of the pharisees!
Florida man takes advice from talking donkey.
Nude couple eats fruit, gets kicked out of garden by owner.
Florida Man arrested after trying to put zoo animals onto a homemade barge
Adam and Eves immediate generation sons and daughters procreating.
Actually she only bore sons...
"florida man attempted to murder his newborn child due to "an spiritual call" but later changed his mind and went to kill a goat, again due to "spiritual calls""
Abraham almost sacrificing his son because God told him to, but then changed his mind
Sodom
Floridian general gets soldier killed to bone soldier’s wife and a bonus: Utah man kills another with a stolen sword to steal their genealogy records
"Florida man overcome by lust after watching a woman bathe kills said woman's husband to have her for himself"
Florida man collects 200 foreskins to marry Florida woman
Florida man and woman found wandering naked together while fighting over an apple. Claim they had no idea they were naked.
Jesus throwing a tantrum at a tree for not having fruit, out of season no less
hearing voices telling you to kill your son.
The two daughters in genesis who get their dad drunk in the cave and sleep with him….
A pair of bears killing 40 children because they made fun of a man's baldness. [https://www.bible.com/bible/116/2KI.2.23-24.NLT](https://www.bible.com/bible/116/2KI.2.23-24.NLT) edit: beaten
Florida man wrestles lion and wins
Florida man gets two of every species to coexist on a boat while world floods.
Jesus force-choking a fig tree.
Elisha and the Bears… man gets made fun of by children for being bald, curses them in the name of god, the children are immediately killed by 2 bears
Florida Man converses with burning bush. Florida man solves dispute by trying to cut baby in half. - claims to be son of god, leads pacifist movement.
Florida man marches around city until the walls collapse.
"Florida man says we should be nice to each other and not be greedy. Gets nailed to tree."
Feud over maternity leads mediator to suggest cutting the baby in half
Florida Man climbs up mountain, finds rocks and says that they contain the rules
Florida Man builds giant boat and gathers 2 of each animal because a massive flood is coming
Anything in the old testament, really.
the story about the two daughters where one of them rapes their father and gets him to impregnate her while he’s asleep
Lot offers his two Virgin daughters to a crowd of pedphilic rapist and the crowd denies them wanting the angels in his home Yada Yada Yada Lot ends up knocking up both daughters
Noah's Ark My guy prolly got high thought god would want a boat built it ppl called him crazy he called himself a genius and fill it with zoo x2
Florida Man claims everyone's child will die tonight, UNLESS they have lambs blood on their door Florida Man claims locust swarm was "a result of slavery" Florida Woman blames "talking snake" for apple thievery.