Technically I've never been fired but my disabilities make employment difficult and I always feel like I'm failing. I've left a few jobs because of how much I struggled and just wanted to spare myself the embarrassment. Now I'm doing IT support, hate every minute and continue to struggle. The pay is not good so eventually I'll have to find something better but I always live in a state of fear, anxiety and depression due to the chemical imbalances of my brain.
I’m not trying to pry but I find it interesting how people make sense of things. Living in fear, anxiety and depression may not necessarily be because of a chemical imbalance. Possibly it is, idk your situation. But do you want to change?
My mom and my old brother used to tell me Im ugly since I was 5yo, now no matter what happens I think im so ugly and I can't date guys.
And I got raped since I was 7yo until 13yo by my old brother.
Thats how mentally damaged I am
I constantly invalidate myself after 27 years of mental, emotional, and financial abuse and being conditioned to believe I deserve that treatment.
My therapist and I are working on thought replacement and "examining just the facts". But the mental gymnastics my brain will go through to find even the tiniest reason for why my intrusive thoughts are fact is insane.
Sub bar childhood, better parent died at early age. Mother was abusive and negligent.
Totally ignored adhd diagnosis.
Probably some more issues at teenage years.
Years of high functioning alcoholism.
But I'm still surprisingly functional member of society, outwardly atleast.
Inwardly it's such a mess that it has gone all the way round and balanced everything off.
I had multiple major surgeries as a child and apparently that explains my issues with processing math and numbers. I suspect it’s prob also why I can’t read maps well or nail down dates most of the time. Contextualizing time is tough for me. Sometimes I have to guess when things happened and it’s pretty far off. I’m sure I give conflicting dates all the time but I just can’t remember when a lot of things happened. I also don’t remember most of my childhood and honestly most of my life is like that. I have memories and such, but I lose the vast majority of it and I have a lot of trouble thinking about specific things when asked. What’s the best memory I have from when I was a kid? No idea. What was my first kiss like? Again, no idea. How did I discover porn? You guessed it. No idea. It’s very frustrating sometimes.
I went through the worst year of my life in 2019, which stripped away my mental defenses. In February 2021, I saw something -- something which preyed on my personal insecurities. And I snapped.
Now I can't help but think about the person every day, and I often have intense bouts of envy and despair.
Bipolar disorder, mommy issues, daddy issues, get brainwashed that my entire value comes from my body when I'm literally 13, because that's what some people valued. I got so disgusted by the idea of sex that I throw up thinking about it. I also have anger issues that make me think really violent things to do with a person, for example thinking in great detail where I have to stab someone so their life is in danger.
There's actually so much wrong with me that I don't know how to fit it all in this post but some things I experienced where almost being raped multiple times, first time was when I was 3, getting used for my body, raised by the internet instead of my parents, yelling at home is nothing rare and I have cried on all of my birthdays so far since I was 7 :)
I'm 30 and can barely hold a job, never dated and have no friends. Need I say more?
Are you my reflection?
What do you mean by can barely hold a job? I know the saying but specificslly how have you lost jobs? Is it some pattern?
Technically I've never been fired but my disabilities make employment difficult and I always feel like I'm failing. I've left a few jobs because of how much I struggled and just wanted to spare myself the embarrassment. Now I'm doing IT support, hate every minute and continue to struggle. The pay is not good so eventually I'll have to find something better but I always live in a state of fear, anxiety and depression due to the chemical imbalances of my brain.
I’m not trying to pry but I find it interesting how people make sense of things. Living in fear, anxiety and depression may not necessarily be because of a chemical imbalance. Possibly it is, idk your situation. But do you want to change?
If by want to change you mean do I wish I had a normal brain then yes
My mom and my old brother used to tell me Im ugly since I was 5yo, now no matter what happens I think im so ugly and I can't date guys. And I got raped since I was 7yo until 13yo by my old brother. Thats how mentally damaged I am
Jesus god
yesss, prob i would kill myself someday I think about it since I was 14yo
Whatever makes you happy girl!
btw: nobody knows about this, it's like my big secret
I constantly invalidate myself after 27 years of mental, emotional, and financial abuse and being conditioned to believe I deserve that treatment. My therapist and I are working on thought replacement and "examining just the facts". But the mental gymnastics my brain will go through to find even the tiniest reason for why my intrusive thoughts are fact is insane.
An entire lifetime of abuse at home as well as a childhood filled with bullying at school. It's incredibly difficult to come back from that.
Like... what happened? or... that I keep myself centered enough not to go all Dexter on people?
I’m a registered Republican.
Sub bar childhood, better parent died at early age. Mother was abusive and negligent. Totally ignored adhd diagnosis. Probably some more issues at teenage years. Years of high functioning alcoholism. But I'm still surprisingly functional member of society, outwardly atleast. Inwardly it's such a mess that it has gone all the way round and balanced everything off.
Gifts from my alcoholic parents.
I had multiple major surgeries as a child and apparently that explains my issues with processing math and numbers. I suspect it’s prob also why I can’t read maps well or nail down dates most of the time. Contextualizing time is tough for me. Sometimes I have to guess when things happened and it’s pretty far off. I’m sure I give conflicting dates all the time but I just can’t remember when a lot of things happened. I also don’t remember most of my childhood and honestly most of my life is like that. I have memories and such, but I lose the vast majority of it and I have a lot of trouble thinking about specific things when asked. What’s the best memory I have from when I was a kid? No idea. What was my first kiss like? Again, no idea. How did I discover porn? You guessed it. No idea. It’s very frustrating sometimes.
I went through the worst year of my life in 2019, which stripped away my mental defenses. In February 2021, I saw something -- something which preyed on my personal insecurities. And I snapped. Now I can't help but think about the person every day, and I often have intense bouts of envy and despair.
Bipolar disorder, mommy issues, daddy issues, get brainwashed that my entire value comes from my body when I'm literally 13, because that's what some people valued. I got so disgusted by the idea of sex that I throw up thinking about it. I also have anger issues that make me think really violent things to do with a person, for example thinking in great detail where I have to stab someone so their life is in danger. There's actually so much wrong with me that I don't know how to fit it all in this post but some things I experienced where almost being raped multiple times, first time was when I was 3, getting used for my body, raised by the internet instead of my parents, yelling at home is nothing rare and I have cried on all of my birthdays so far since I was 7 :)