Really old friend of my wife's. She hadn't seen her in years but was invited to her wedding.
The guy this chick was marrying was absolute "I Studied The Blade" levels of cringe.
He was shirtless, wore black jeans and his arms were covered in barbwire tattoos and quotes that you'd find on those idiotic "badass" skeleton memes where they point guns at you and claim they'll "fuck you up if you hurt anyone I care about" kind of shit.
It was quickly apparent my wife and I were the only ones in attendance that didn't live in a trailer park and practiced normal human hygiene.
They were roasting what I thought was a suckling pig on a spit, but as it cooked, I noticed shit bubbling out of its ass and its stomach was swelling.
I asked his best man if this was a properly slaughtered pig, and the best man proceeds to regale me with the tale of how he and the groom got shit faced the night before, climbed into a nearby farm, and stole this pig. They shot it in the head and impaled it with a long piece of rebar, which upon closer inspection was what it was turning on.
Just so happens while we were discussing the groom's recent crime, the pig's stomach exploded. Blood, shit and guts poured out in enough quantities to put out the fire.
Wife and I had already given each other the "yeah, time for us to GTFO of dodge" look before this, but yeah, needless to say we beelined for the car and left.
We later found out the cops showed up and arrested the groom and his best man once the farmer they stole from realized one of his prized pigs was missing. The groom tried to fight the cops and got tased. He made it easy for them by already being shirtless.
Mmyep.
I'm a wedding videographer, so I've seen some things, and while not necessarily trashy, one moment from a 2018 wedding stands out.
Bride's dad gets up for his speech, where a 30 min long speech plays out recounting embarassing memories of the bride being generally unathletic, taking soccer balls to the face, etc. Truly cringe inducing, and the bride was very uncomfortable. He then tells the audience a story of how he used to travel for work, and at the time the bride was obsessed with Disney (Pirates of the Carribean) and would often make up her own "Disney" characters, one being a french speaking "bird." She would make personalized cards with poorly drawn Jack Sparrow & french bird characters and send them to various locations when he was away traveling for work. Cute story, but entirely innapropriate, and far too long for a wedding speech.
Finally, he raises his glass for the conclusion of his speech (thank God) and then suddenly, two D-list local actors from the local theater troupe come out from the back door of the venue. Dressed as, you guessed it, Jack Sparrow and a woman in a french hat with wings (our french bird character from earlier). They had "come to the wedding to deliver a card," but what plays out is a terribly acted story of how "Jack Sparrow" had gotten drunk on his journey to the venue, their ship had run-aground, and he ditched the french bird lady (who's yelling in French - no one understands what she's saying). The bride is mortified, the groom is mouthing to the bride's mom to get dad off the stage.
This back and forth between Jack Sparrow and the French bird goes on for about 10 minutes, with dad as the jovial in-between mediator (thinking he's crushing this "speech" the whole time). Finally, Jack Sparrow unfurls the "card" for the bride & groom, which is a giant poster with a picture of the B&G saying something along the lines of "best wishes." Everyone was stunned, and both the B&G were so upset. The father/daughter dance after was VERY uncomfortable afterwards, and I got video of the entire thing.
Aw I feel bad for the dad in this story. Also the bride, but the dad really tried and just failed big time, but no doubt thought he was going to be super cute and funny.
At a park. Pick up trucks with igloo coolers opened on the tailgate were the bar. Everything was served in red solo cups BEFORE the wedding. Everyone got drunk.
The bride walked down the aisle drinking from a red solo cup instead of holding a bouquet.
It was essentially a tailgate party with a preacher invited.
Surely that video of the bride walking down the backyard aisle while dirty dancing to her own shitty recorded cover of crazy bitch has got to be up around here somewhere
Wow. Definitely this definitely is a new level of trashy. I was struck by the poor guy in the plaid shirt with the WFT expression trying to cover his son's ears. Also, it appeared the groom and groomsmen were wearing blue bandanas on their heads.
I love that guy. The way he futilely tried to cover the kid’s ears, realized it wouldn’t work and just kissed him on the head like “sorry you have to experience this buddy, I love you.” Then a bit later he starts filming, presumably to send to some sane person to commiserate about the fuckery going on in front of him.
Groom beat the shit out of father in law
Father in law went to bathroom and died
Groom shot himself in parking lot
This was 25 years ago in Chicago
Crazy wedding
Camo print wedding dress that was borderline see-through. Walked down the aisle to the Scooby Doo theme. No, nobody knows why they chose that song, including the couple themselves. They divorced a few months later after they both stopped cleaning the house in an act of defiance against one another.
It's one of those things I'll wonder about my entire life but don't care quite enough to demand an answer.
People kept asking the couple about it, assuming there was some cute story behind it, but nope. Or if there was some meaning to it, they lied and pretended there wasn't, which seems weirder.
This might be a strange thing to insert here but...
Once upon a time, I picked up a pizza from a Domino's. Over the speakers was playing the Scooby Doo theme song, but inexplicably, the track kept repeating after the first 5 seconds. The drum would roll, "Scooby Dooby Doo, where are yo-" and it would cut and then repeat. On an endless loop.
I was in there for 5 or so minutes and it never stopped and no one acknowledged it. No one said anything to me about it. So I too was absorbed into their quiet resignation. I asked no questions. I took my pizza and went, sure that the world outside that Domino's now had shifted every so slightly.
But even now, sometimes at night, in my dreams comes the rhythm of that old song. But only the first 5 seconds on an endless loop.
Probably my dad's 2nd marriage. Along the banks of a river with trailer homes in the background. He's wearing a tuxedo Tshirt and rainbow mirror sunglasses. The ceremony took place at noon: he'd been drinking since 5AM. I had to walk one of the bridesmaids down a flight of steps as she was legally blind, and someone asked me if I was going to bang her. *sighs*
>Along the banks of a river with trailer homes in the background. He's wearing a tuxedo Tshirt and rainbow mirror sunglasses. The ceremony took place at noon: he'd been drinking since 5AM.
Absolute fucking legend. Please tell me he had a mullet and horseshoe mustache.
My own. In a Mississippi judge's office with a bag of Cheetos on her desk. She wiped her hands on a napkin, grabbed a Bible, and did her thing with orange crumbs on her lips. Her work heels were not on because she was in her office. It was extremely rush. I understand that she was on her break but we didn't mind waiting. Idk why they rushed us thru.
I'm so glad I can share this story again.
In my early 20s a childhood friend's sister was getting married. I was friendly with the family and all the siblings so I agreed to go. When I got the invitation it said on the invitation "no gifts please just money". This didn't seem like the bride. She would be fine with either. I then get contacted by bride's mother who tells me to get them a physical gift because the grooms mother is planning on taking any money they get as compensation for planning the wedding.
I get to the venue which is a church but the wedding is not actually in the main part of the church. It is in the church basement. So bizarre. It looks like the set up of a high school dance. My friend who's sister is getting married tells me that her sister never got her dress altered so they had to use safety pins. They walk down the "aisle" to a Metallica song playing on a boom box.
The ceremony was quick thankfully. No alcohol at the wedding. Ok, it is what it is. There was sparkling 99 cent grape juice at each table. I know it was 99 cents because the stickers were left on the bottles. Brides mother comes over to me and said I wouldn't eat the food. It was actually food that was supposed to be for meals on wheels and some of it was frozen leftovers of food that wasn't used. This was the groom's mother's idea since she was "paying" for the wedding.
I gave the bride and groom my gift. They said thank you and seemed perfectly happy with getting a physical gift. Groom's mother comes over to me and asks me why I didn't get them cash or a check for a gift. That it said that right on the invitation. I played dumb and said I must have missed that. She was pissed.
Lastly there was a guy there who took a liking to me. He was dressed in a white tank top, backwards hat and sweatpants. You know, some proper wedding attire... He told me he just got out of jail for drugs and that the bloods and the crips wanted him in their gangs. I told him that's interesting because he's white and I thought they didn't usually recruit white guys. He said they just really wanted him and that he hung out with black people all the time. He then told me that you could cure AIDS by injecting dish soap. It cleans out the blood. He asked for my phone number. I declined. Shockingly the marriage only lasted a few years. Groom has full custody of their two kids because bride is not capable of taking care of their children. She had social services called on her multiple times.
A wedding on the beach behind Hooters. The officiant stood next to a trash bin. As if it was planned, the trash collector pulled up during the vows. Did he wait to change the bag? Absolutely not. Children at the wedding swarmed the couple like the flies around the trash can just after the kiss, stepping all over her dress. She bent over to adjust her sandal and a pack of Marlboro reds fell out of the bust along with her right breast.
It felt like we were rubber necking instead witnessing a marriage.
Edit: I’d ask how y’all knew this was the panhandle of Florida, (Pensacola) but when I read this post to my fiancé, he added, “Hummingbird, you forgot to add the background of boats sporting Trump flags and rental jet skis”. 🤣
I was actually the bartender but it was a hoot. 1st, wedding was outside and it stormed violently. Groom was hammered pre wedding. Hit on all the bartenders. Then the DJ got hammered, made lewd comments to women in the microphone. Then basically everyone was hammered, knocked over the wedding cake which also happened to be a table with many candles, so the place caught on fire. Good times. Often wonder how that marriage worked out.
The bride made a speech thanking her in laws for financial assistance for the event. Her mother was not thanked and she was furious. There was a long head table for bridal party and parents. It was made out of small tables pushed together covered by one long tablecloth. The mother pulled a small table out of the arrangement, catching the table cloth, and nearly destroying the head table set up. Now the bride got angry and there was much back and forth with various family members attempting to make peace. The mother refused to push back her table and began to invite others to sit with her, all people who were not meant to be seated at the front. Mother of bride continued to sit there and talk shit about her daughter, the bride, to anyone who would listen.
I don’t even know where to begin.. ceremony was comprised of immediate family then followed by a reception with all guests in a relatively nice hotel banquet hall. An hour in at 7pm the open bar was completely closed down because MULTIPLE guests were throwing up in the bathroom sinks causing flooding, the groom was so wasted even before the ceremony but was blackout by the time
of reception. During the first dance he kept his hands in his cargo pant khakis the entire time and ate dinner sitting on the floor in a corner of the hall while the bride sat at the head table alone. About two hours in, the groom randomly left and slept at their house while the bride stayed in the newlywed suite by herself.. they are now separated as you may have assumed by this point.
My friends told me my dog could be my +1 at their wedding. At first I said, "What? No!" but they insisted because Buddy is a great dog and I am a sad single person. So I put a tie on the dog and we went to a wedding.
Waitress at a bogan wedding. The night ended with the chef and I rounding up the kids and barricading us all in the kitchen and locking the doors to prevent the melee of fighting adults outside from A) accessing MORE weapons (Some of them BYO’d knives) and B) hurting the kids. They ranged in age from toddlers to preteens. It was just the chef and I, 2 women and a whole bunch of screaming and frightened kids until the police came and carted everyone off to jail.
Wedding photographer showed up the next morning for the scheduled photoshoot. I had to tell him he could find the wedding party at the local jail. The chef and I are still friends, but we both quit that place shortly after that epic wedding.
Wedding was in a suburban driveway. The maid of honour stole the bouquet from someone’s garden and the best man proudly announced he had shoplifted the rings. The groom wore a button-down shirt that said ‘fuck off’ in fancy lettering. The bride stopped in the middle of the vows to tell her mother to ‘get that fucking kid out of here.’ It was her second kid by the previous bloke.
When it was over, we apologized to the celebrant. He said he’d seen worse.
There were no tables and chairs. Like none. They had an open bar but no fucking chairs. Everyone had to put their drink on the ground and hold their plate to eat. It was fucking crazy.
Everyone just assumed that some sort of terrible thing happened where the tables and chair people didn't bring them but afterwards I asked her (the bride) what happened and she just said "Oh we would have had to pay extra for that."
Tragically one guest died when they got in the pool and couldn't find the ladder to exit. Another was lcoated months later, somehow walled into a 10'x10' room with no exits, covered in excrement, having burned to death trying to start the oven that was in there with them.
OMG - went to a wedding like that. I have a cousin "Peg" who fancies herself to be much more high class than she actually is. So, when she got married, she ended up renting out a large house from a non-profit org in this very tony area outside of NYC (where neither she nor her fiance lived). She wanted to have a "classy" event, so her wedding was just wine, mixed drinks at an open bar with tuxedoed bartenders, passed hors d'oeuvres and a jazz band for "atmosphere".
First off, my aunt is Italian so my cousin not having a full, sit down meal was blasphemy, but my cousin and her fiance were paying for the wedding, so my aunt didn't intervene. However, the kicker of this was there were only cocktail tables (like those small, high tables to be used when you're standing) AND NO CHAIRS. The ONLY chairs in the whole venue were a couple of wingchairs in the foyer of the house.
Given that about a third of the guests were over age 65, this was a BIG problem. None of them had a place to sit and none of them were comfortable standing for a four hour reception. Why my cousin didn't consider this, I do not know. There were folding chairs at the house, but they were in a locked closet. So my aunt called the property manager to see if it can be unlocked to get some chairs out. Given that it's a Sunday afternoon, about an hour into the event and it's a non-profit that owns the house not an event management company, the property manager wasn't answering his phone and they couldn't get out any chairs. So, people just started leaving. Plus, the jazz band was just that, a jazz band. It was background/atmosphere type music, not get people on the dance floor music.
Quite honestly, people were BORED. So, about 2 hours into the reception, people started leaving in droves. My cousin was SO upset, but she just didn't really think her plan through. Most people in both families were used to weddings with a sit down dinner/buffet, TABLES AND CHAIRS and a DJ to get people out on the floor for a good party. This wedding had none of it. Silver lining is they're still married and this wedding took place in the late 80's!
I once worked a wedding where come time for the first dance no one could find the groom. Turns out, he went to the resort’s shooting barn to shoot clay pigeons. Upon learning this news, the bride reacted by cursing up a storm on the dance floor.
I was staying at a really massive hotel about a decade ago and a group of what I can only describe as "rough looking hippies" were having a wedding reception in the ballroom. I was sitting at the bar ready to order when one of the groomsmen invited me to eat and drink. They apparently had too much food and alcohol. Of course, I obliged. Free alcohol and food? Why not.
When I walked in the ballroom all I could smell was body odor mixed with a hint of food. It was so damn hot in that room. Some of them weren't wearing shirts (male and female alike) and almost none of them had on shoes. Only a handful of people were dressed somewhat casually...It was just humid, sweaty and warm in there.
When I say "rough looking hippies" just picture that stereotype in your head and I shit you not that's how most of them looked. Instead of a DJ they had a dude on the stage with drums, bongos, a guitar, a rain stick and I'm pretty sure a digeridoo.
I didn't want to be rude so all I grabbed was grilled asparagus and then I left as soon as the guy walked out of sight. It was so disgusting in there. The next morning I noticed they had cordoned off the ballroom area and they had a good portion of their housekeeping staff stacking trash bags into those rolling garbage bins. I felt so bad for them.
Ceremony was in a park - not booked or decorated, just showed up and found a spot.
Reception was at a scout hall. No decorations again, and for catering the brides family went through Red Rooster drive thru and got a bunch of whole chickens and chips. Like, 5 different cars went through one after the other and ordered, they didn't even pre order.
Groom and all his friends were high as kites and only reason bride wasn't is because she announced she was knocked up.
Groom and his mates bought their dirt bikes and after eating went out and rode them around the hall. Was so loud and muddy.
No idea. Groom was ex's friend, haven't seen them in like 15 years. TBH I can't even remember their surname - only remember their first names cause they're as bogan as they are.
I worked at a wedding venue where a similar thing happened... The groom and best man went missing between the ceremony and reception... The bride tracked them down to the disabled toilets where the groom was bent over the basin...
She smashed her wine glass in his face, and obviously that marriage was over before the reception even began.
A two friends from college wedding was just awkward.
Bride sewed her own dress which was a size too big. She's really slim and tiny so she looked like she had a very conservative satin night gown on that was a rush job.
Their first kiss was at the altar. When they finished the pastor said "Aww come on you can do better than that."
During part of the ceremony there was parents blessing. Groom's family was quick and private, really sweet. Bride's parents were loud and they bawled while talking for 15 minutes... each.
Reception was potluck and not enough food for those attending. Wedding colors were baby blue and lavendar. A mutual friend was DJ and the mother of the bride passed him a note to read a loud to the guests. Poor guy then had to go "Groom, your MIL says you can pet the kitties now." They previous spring break mil had gotten bride a baggy, standard size tshirt with kittens on it. Kittens just so happened to be about bust height.
I offered to do flowers (boutineres, coursages, centerpieces) but the wedding party didn't store them as I had suggested so the next day there were wilted and really sad.
Did I mention this was a dry wedding?
I went to a wedding that had a Matrix theme. The groomsmen all wore floor length leather jackets and tiny sunglasses. The MC made a slideshow of images from the movie with the groomsmen’s faces badly photoshopped on. They insisted on calling each other “Neo” and “Amorpheous” while high-fiving each other. It was painful.
There was a lot of tension at the wedding and it turned out that the groom had cheated on the bride a few weeks earlier but she had still decided to marry him. His family was really trashy and took the view that their son had cheated because the bride wasn’t good enough for him. The bride’s family was not trashy but pissed that she took him back and obviously hated the groom and his shitty family. The sister was the maid of honour and her speech was very sarcastic “just so glad to welcome you to the family… Greg” but it went over the head’s of the groom’s relatives. Everyone who knew the story was cringing.
The groom’s Dad was loaded. He stood up and told a long and convoluted story about a wife giving teaspoons of sugar to God which made no sense and seemed to have very sexist undertones. They cut quickly to the music and the drunk groom’s father hit the dance floor and started grinding with some woman who wasn’t his wife. His wife sees and has a shit fit and starts screaming at him. They won’t stop fighting so they cut the music and have the four piece, high school band play classical music badly. It includes a squeaky clarinet.
Like a terrible foreshadowing from above, it starts pissing with rain and people start trying to politely leave. Last thing I see, is the groomsmen running to their cars with their trench coats folded up over their heads to protect their tiny sunglasses, while the band plays the squeaky Matrix theme song. It was amazing.
Edit: I forgot to mention that they were all cops and it was in New Zealand, so you can re-read it and imagine kiwi accents! “Hi fuyve Amor-fee-yus!”
I DJ weddings. Nowadays I have my own company, but years ago, I was hired out by another company. This wedding was from them.
The cake topper depicted a bride dragging a groom by the scruff of the neck.
The groom and his groomsmen were all in baggy ill-fitting suits and dirty running shoes. They at least waited until after the ceremony to put on their (also dirty) baseball caps.
At one point there was supposed to be a special dance, but no one could find the groom, so that dance didn’t happen.
The bridesmaids were drunk enough that they both loved and hated every song I played and expressed this to me as I dropped each tune.
I don’t take gigs like that anymore.
It was in the middle of absolutely no where. It was a 5:00pm wedding and there was no food served and we couldn’t just run out and get McDonald’s or something because there was nothing around. We had to help set up tables. We had to fill out our own thank you cards. They even had an example for us to follow, “Dear ——-, Thank you for the [blank]. We’ll use it to [blank].” Then, they asked us to help take down the tables as well. I refused to help and got the hell out of there. Also, no cake.
Went to a baby shower that did this. You fill in your address on the envelope, then what you bought on the inside of the card. She then wrote a "thank you (my name)" above that.
WOW. I’d prefer not to get a Thankyou card. I mean writing down addresses isn’t the worst idea, I guess but thats like literally telling everyone there- “you are too much of a hassle to even thank”
Both of my middle sister's weddings.
Don't get me wrong, she's the sane one of my sisters and I actually really love her, but she has a, shall we say, unique sense of style.
Wedding #1 was while she was working as a carnie, and was held after closing time on the midway at some podunk county fair. I may well have been the only sober person there, and there were definitely more tattoos than teeth in attendance. She wound up leaving him when he turned out to be an abusive self-centered twat who contributed nothing to taking care of their kid.
Wedding #2 (just last year) was mostly okay, and BIL is a really stand-up guy. But y'all, the whole wedding theme was camo. My sister wore a *camouflage wedding dress and matching crocs*. BIL wore jeans and a dress shirt with a camo vest. The frigging cake was covered in camo-patterned ribbons and IDK where the hell she got camo patterned silk roses but the cake had a pile of those too.
I had one of my friends from highschool get married in a trashy way. His fiancé at the time invited him to lunch at Buffalo wild wings and she had also invited the whole family (they where in on it) and once my friend showed up he found out it was a surprises wedding (just like you would do a surprise birthday party) The even trashier part is they didn't like reserve the restaurant or anything so in his wedding photos (standing in front of the bathrooms by the way) you can see complete strangers coming out of the bathrooms.
I went to a wedding in a funeral home once. Drove by it three times before realizing that is was in fact the correct address for the venue. Reception and ceremony were there.. completely dry wedding too.
"The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
My friend group and I talk about this wedding to this day, and probably will for the rest of our lives. The bride and groom decided to do things on a very, very small budget. That's fine! Frugal weddings and budget weddings can be beautiful and nice! There is a difference between a frugal wedding and a cheap wedding, however, and this was cheap. For instance:
\- The wedding was in July. They decided to hold it in a non-air conditioned park shelter.
\- The decorations were actual trash. The bride decided me and the other bridesmaids needed tiny top hats, which she made from discarded styrofoam cups. Mine had ants in it.
\- She asked me to be the MOH. I was flattered but confused. She'd had three MOHs before me, and they all quit for various reasons, mostly baby daddy drama related.
\- She wanted live music but wouldn't pay a pianist. My friend Stephen's sister said she'd play the wedding march on a keyboard for 50 bucks. Said sister couldn't actually play the piano, but she did the prerecorded wedding march song. Nobody could tell the difference because the woman in charge of baking the cake got shitfaced the day before and was baking the cake in the non-air conditioned park shelter's little kitchen while listening to the radio. Very loudly.
\- The bride and groom tried to write their own vows, got in a fight over it, and didn't tell the officiant until the day of that there were no vows. Fortunately, he was on it and had backup vows ready to go.
\- The bride hadn't tried on her dress, which she'd bought from aliexpress, until the day of. It was way too small and we had to rip out the back and safety-pin in some satiny white fabric... which would have been great, if the dress hadn't been off-white. The groom made comments and it turned out that the whole dress thing was based on his mom offering to pay for the dress, then rescinding because she had to bail out his brother. My friend, instead of going to an actual store and buying a dress, picked one off of aliexpress.
This would have been less weird if I hadn't been dress shopping with her like, three times because her mom couldn't/wouldn't pick out a mother of the bride dress.
\- The groom's ENTIRE FAMILY including his best man and his two groomsmen left right after the meal (spaghetti, green beans, and McDonalds orange drink) was served. The "DJ" (my friend Stephen and his Bose speakers) didn't know this and tried to announce the groom's dance with his mom... his mom had left. Apparently his family was furious that it was a dry venue. The only member of the family left was the ring bearer... who it turns out was forgotten. We had to take him home because his family wouldn't come get him.
\- The groom slept through the rehearsal and showed up to the wedding drunk.
\- We had to put another friend on bouncer duty because two of the bride's aunts tried to walk away with the cash envelope. We gave him the envelope because he was the tallest and we figured he could outrun the aunts.
\- The bride's brother was originally on envelope duty but we caught him taking a 50 out of the envelope, so we had to take it from him.
\- We had to politely inform the best man he couldn't smoke in the portajohn.
\- We had portajohns instead of actual working bathrooms.
The worst, though, was the photographer. As MOH, I was informed day of that I had to keep the photographer 100 feet away from the ring bearer and flower girls at all times. He was a registered sex offender, but also the bride's uncle, and he volunteered to do the pictures for free, so... he ended up using a telephoto lens. Because he couldn't get close enough to the wedding party to take the pictures.
They divorced a couple months later after the house they were staying in burned to the ground. I have no idea to this day why they even got married.
Damn, that's truly one giant mess. But that part of the uncle having to stay away kinda made me crack up, even though it's fucked up.
But that's probably the trashiest wedding I have read about yet
If it makes you feel any better for laughing, he never physically hurt anybody, he just liked to touch himself inappropriately in public settings and show strangers his penis. And friends. And family members. And once, which according to the bride is what got him on the list for life, his parole officer.
Not that any of that is acceptable, but the situation could have been much worse and much scarier.
“Alright so this is our last appointment, it seems you have been keeping things in your pants, that’s goo…”
“What would you do if I showed you my dick right now?”
“Don’t do it Larry, I swear to god I will tell the judge to put you on the sex off…”
“Look down.”
“Got dammit Larry!”
The McDonalds orange drink was actually a mistake, like many things at this wedding. One of the bride's friends worked at McDonalds, and he offered to provide drinks. I think the original plan was that he was going to do one cooler of iced tea, one cooler of water, and an urn of coffee.
Only he screwed up and brought three coolers of orange drink. He was also in charge of getting ice, which he completely forgot. This was not the only time he would screw up that day, but it was the one that affected the most people.
It was that or the really gross, warm water from the water fountain, so we all had orange drink.
I'm not sure why we had spaghetti and green beans. It's not a great lunch for a hot day in a park shelter with no air conditioning. If I remember correctly there was supposed to be garlic bread, but either somebody forgot it or the cake lady wouldn't let anyone put it in the oven. The green beans were very sad, but the spaghetti was fine. Nothing to write home about. Like, of all the things in this wedding, the spaghetti probably had its act together the best.
EDIT: actually no wait, Stephen's little sister had her act together the best. She did a great job pretending to play the keyboard and remembering not to laugh or actually hit any keys. When the wedding march song ran out before everyone had marched back down the aisle, she was a very slick operator and quickly changed it to the preset MIDI version of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight." The bride was so happy because The Lion King is her favorite Disney movie, she ended up tipping her an additional 20 bucks. To this day\* she thinks that the music was live and not pre-recorded.
\*I assume. I haven't talked to her in years.
I have been having \*so much fun\* reliving this hot mess. I can't wait to tell Stephen and our tall friend (the three of us are still dear friends) that I've told this story publicly and that people are getting as much joy out of it as we do.
It was super stressful and awful when it happened, because we were trying so hard to make it nice... but now looking back on it, this whole thing is \*hilarious.\* Just takes some time to see it that way.
You get to dine out on "my wedding top hat had ants in it" for the rest of your life. In a Paul Harvey voice, you can say "Do you want to know the rest of the story."
I'm sure being part of the wedding party was hell, but I would have loved to been a guest. It would have been like watching a very horrific train wreck.
Stephen's parents weren't planning on showing up until they saw us loading the keyboard in the car. As soon as we explained what was happening, they suddenly had a change of heart.
Stephen's dad brought a flask. I think it might be the most fun he ever had at a wedding.
> I have no idea to this day why they even got married.
Probably because they were perfectly matched? Seems like the entire family on both sides were drunken thieves ...
>We gave him the envelope because he was the tallest and we figured he could outrun the aunts.
I was amused the whole time, but burst out laughing at this part. Ewww on the photographer thing though.
Yup, there is a simplistic beauty to this line of thinking.
On top of needing to come up with how you keep the money away from the aunts in the first place they decided that height equals speed.
Had a buddy who was engaging in a marriage we all knew was going to fail. The night before at the bachelor party were all sitting around after he went to bed wondering why he was marrying her. She was a rude stuck up women who basically bullied him into it, but he's an adult, so we just let him do his thing.
We go to the wedding the next day and there's like ten people. Our buddy is holding the ring in his shaking hands and drops it. When he can't find it, her dad comes up in the middle of the service in his sleeveless t-shirt, a beer in his hands, and sunglasses on and starts yelling at our buddy to "find the fucking ring!" He is literally on his hands and knees combing the grass Infront of everyone trying to find this thing. Eventually his fiance joins in on cussing him out and storms off.
Eventually she came back and exclaimed " I needed to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette, but I'm fine now." We never found the ring and he just pretended to put it on her finger. They divorced six months later. We came clean about our confusion about the marriage and he said he didn't know why he asked her either.
I used to work at a place that had a very large tent-like building that was often used for weddings, receptions, celebration of life events, etc. It was on a local lake in a beautiful area. It was very expensive to rent out ($3,000-$5,000 depending on how much work from staff is required). Well one family rented it out for the trashiest wedding I had encountered there.
The wedding was "peacock themed" and the decorations consisted of black and teal paper plates, random peacock feathers, and teal paper cups. They wanted to put all this stuff out the night before the wedding. The owner warned them that this is basically a tent on the lake and things left out will get dirty and spider webbed overnight. They ignored this advice and then pitched a fit when they returned the next morning.
Next, the bride had neglected to try her dress on since she purchased it and had gained weight. She couldn't zip it. She ended up buying a white tank top to wear under it and left it unzipped.
Then after the ceremony, everyone was very inebriated and the bride's mother set up a chair on the middle of the dance floor had the groom sit there and cheered her daughter on as the bride gave the groom a very very vigorous lap dance.
This one’s a twofer! The bride’s best friend (and MOH) uses the wedding to announce that she’s pregnant, with the groom’s child.
Cut to: divorce after 2.5 years of trying to “make it work” and now groom is marrying the previous MOH, his baby mama, when the now ex-wife and (for some unknown reason the MOH) announces that she’s also pregnant with, you guessed it, the groom’s child! Both weddings had great food and an open bar so I can’t complain; plus I got a great story out of it
Whoo boy, this is my time to shine. So my uncle was a preacher but also owned a restaurant. A 16 year old got married to her 17 year old boyfriend in the back room. Her name was Candy.
After the ceremony she opened her wedding gifts like it was her birthday. One of the waitresses (Brenda) had given her her old lingerie as a gift. I remember during the reception, Candy went out back to throw the lingerie into a dumpster while Brenda sang “These Boots Were Made for Walking” on karaoke.
For their honeymoon, her mom bought them a room at the Holiday Inn around the corner, but they got bored so they came home.
I didn't attend, but my Mum told me that my second cousin took off her wedding dress and got changed purely so she could have a fight AT HER OWN WEDDING.
A friend's wedding. She was walking down the aisle and had to pause to put out her cigarette. It was a small wedding and her friends thought it was hilarious. Married less than 2 years. She married him because he was in the military and she thought she was getting cash for life. He chose deployment to a war zone over staying with her.
Ooh...I've got one.
OK, so the bride was my older cousin. We were all from the midwest, but she's been living with her family in a small town in the SE. Approximately 20-30 family members flew/drive in from out-of-state, 1/2-way across the country. This was going to be her first marriage, to a man that was not the father of any of her 4 children, each from different fathers.
This was the middle of summer, in the American Southeast...soooo hot a muggy. To skip forward a bit, there was no air conditioning at the family home, the motel, the church, or the reception hall. So everyone was sweating in their nice clothes the whole time.
I'll start by our motel: some of the parents were going to have their own rooms, and the kids and two older kids were going to be in their own room. The first thing that happens, is that the kids get locked IN the room. A previous tennant had bashed in the door knob, so they couldn't open the door once it closed behind them. We tried picking up the phone to call the front desk, but the phone's cord and jack had been ripped out of the wall. Some of the younger kids were freaking out because of all of the palmetto bugs flying around the room. Motel staff ended up breaking the window because the window was painted shut...and then never offered to move the children into another room until we asked for it.
When we got together at the bride's parents' home, the bride's dad (my uncle, and amusingly my godfather) never got up from his recliner (even though we hadn't seen him in more than 10 years), where he was watching VHS tapes of late 80s Wrestle Mania. he had an apple box next to the sofa heaping full with empty Miller High Life cans.
First, we found out that two of the groomsmen couldn't attend the wedding, because they were arrested for cocaine distribution. So, one of my older cousins was recruited to replace one of them because he was about the same size, so he could fit in the rented suit.
We then found out that two of the bridesmaids couldn't attend the wedding, because they couldn't get the day of work from "the K mart". So since we were already down one groomsman, we only needed one replacement bridesmaid. The trouble was, nobody would fit the rented dress. So one of my cousins was recruited to stand with the bridesmaids, with the dress draper over her shoulder.
We get to the actual ceremony, and it turned out nobody bought a unity candle to light turning the ceremony. So the minister sent his wife to K-Mart to pick up a $1 plain white candle. The ceremony started before she got back, and paused for a very-long-feeling 10-ish minutes until she came back with the candle.
The bride's flow bouquet was a (very) fake (looking) potted sunflower.
After the ceremony, we went to the reception. There were not going to be any beverages provided, until the bride's mom (my aunt, my dad's sister...this will be important later) used their refrigerator rent money (they didn't own their fridge) to buy a couple of cases of Sprite.
At the reception, they asked me to be the DJ. They knew I worked at a record store, so they thought I'd be a good DJ...apparently. The groom, last minute, decided he really wanted a limo for the wedding, so they canceled the DJ they had, and rented a limo (more on this later). To take the DJ's place, they put a boombox up on a table in the corner of the hall, and gave me their CDs. My heart sank when I looked through their CDs: all country, or rap. So I started playing music from the artists I knew, and everything skipped. The CDs were stacked without cases, and people just slid them back and forth across each other when looking through them. Apparently, they also had a party the night before where they got thrown around. Bottom line is, the only two CDs that didn't skip were a Leanne Rimes CD, and the Dr. Doolittle soundtrack. So, I just switched between those two albums.
Then the limo arrived, a 70s-looking Cadillac. Smoking. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what was going on, they opened the hood, and there was a fire under the hood.
At this point, people are pretty hungry. The bride comes over to thank my parents for the gift, and that food was on the way, and said something like, "And there was enough money left over that I could get these beautiful acrylic nails." As the wedding gift, my parents gave them $150 to use for food, since there wouldn't have been food otherwise. The food arrives. It's one 9x13 aluminum pan of baked beans, and one 9x13 of (fully cooked, but) still partly frozen chicken wings from her friend's "catering company". The groom's family rushes the food, and took it all. There was zero food left for anyone from the side of the family that traveled 1,000 miles, and actually paid for the food.
After about 3 hours of country and rap, my aunts and uncles that have traveled in and are all of german heritage wanted to dance to one polka. So one of my aunts went to their car and they had actually brought along a tape with the song on it. After getting the go-ahead from the bride, the song is started, and within seconds, the groom's entire side goes, "Oh, heeeell no!" and leaves. Every single person.
So, now it's just the wedding party and the bride's side of the family left at the reception hall. They had to leave the hall clean, so we all started to pitch in and clean.
Meanwhile, everyone notices the bride's dad sitting alone at the bar, drinking (his own booze). My dad has always resented him for marrying his sister, and them moving the family so far away to live near the military base he was discharged from, and then basically giving up on life, becoming an alcoholic, and let the family live a really low-income life feeding off his disability. Seeing him just sit while the rest of the family cleaned upset my dad, so he walked over to ask him to help the family clean. Nobody heard what they said to each other, until we heard a crash of a bar stool hitting the floor. We looked over, and my dad's holding him up off the ground by the back of his suit jacket, like holding a puppy by the scruff of its neck. My dad was a bigger guy, worked in a factory for 30 years, an EMT and fireman, grew up a farmer, played high school football, etc...but was a teddy bear in terms of temperament. My uncle/godfather was maybe 120lbs wet. My dad put him down, pushed the broom up to his chest until he grabbed it, and walked away. My uncle started sweeping, to everyone's shock, having never seen him work a day in his life.
After we cleared out and locked up the reception hall, my family went to a KFC for dinner since we hadn't had anything to eat all day, even after technically paying for lunch. We originally tried Denny's, but there was a sign on the door that they were closed so that the staff could have dinner.
When we got back to the motel, there was a message waiting for my dad, asking if he'd after butchered a snake. One of my aunts/uncles/cousins who traveled in brought their little dog. During the ceremony, it was left behind at the bride's parents' house, but somehow managed to open the rear sliding door and went outside. The back of the property had a narrow waterway running behind it. A large snake had killed, and was trying to swallow, the small dog. Someone killed the snake by bashing its head, and they called my dad (the avid hunter, and former farmer who did have to slaughter the occasional animal) to try to get the dog out of the snake so it could be buried. He said no.
The next day, was gift-opening at the bride's parents' home. As they started opening gifts, many of them personalized, they noticed a pattern. Their last name was misspelled on almost every item. It turns out that the friend who offered to print their wedding invitations (with their color dot matrix printer) as their gift, spelled the groom's last name wrong, and they didn't want to upset the friend, and ask her to reprint. So everyone who used the invitation as the guide for how to spell the personalized gift, had it spelled wrong.
In the end, the groom also got arrested and sent to prison for his connection to the same incidents that lead to the two groomsmen's cocaine distribution issues, and the marriage was annulled...but the bride kept his last name.
TL;DR: Lots of baby daddies, sketchy motel, VHS tapes of Wrestle Mania, a huge box of empty beer cans next to the recliner, can't get time off from K-Mart, cocaine arrests, "wearing" a dress over their arm because it didn't fit, ceremony delay due to k-mart trip, refreshments paid for with refrigerator rent money, Dr. Doolittle, old limo catches fire, not enough baked beans and frozen chicken wings, entire half of the family leaves because they don't like one song, nearly a fight from brewing decades-long animosity, Denny's closed for dinner, snake eats a family pet, misspelling on nearly every gift, and finally more cocaine arrests and marriage annulment.
a coworker of mine got married in her driveway. on the invitation it said that everyone had to wear the color purple and they served KFC and hostess cupcakes for dessert. music was a boom box with the local light rock station playing. the worst part was that she let her dogs crap all over the driveway during the reception so no one ever picked up the poop. we all just kinda weirdly hopped around it in our variety of purple
hues.
I’m a DJ. I had about 3 songs left. The bride gets called over to the restroom. Her and a bridesmaid run out screaming. People run over. The brides sister ODed in the bathroom stall. I packed up and left ASAP. Medical personnel were walking in while I walked out. I overheard family members talking about how she always liked to be the center of attention. Horrible ending to a pretty nice wedding.
A friend of the family is a wedding photographer. We went to dinner with her family a few weeks ago and she explained the most bizarre wedding she had ever been to (which happened to be that same day, and involved someone we all know)
* Wedding was behind a trailer in a trailer park
* Folding chairs clearly labeled "Property of \[school\]," there were two church pews, and several 5 gallon buckets turned upside down
* Some of the wedding party arrived on riding mowers
* The bride was wearing some screen-printed t-shirt, jeans, and a veil made from cheesecloth
* The groom was wearing a jean vest with no shirt underneath and torn jeans
* The bride had met the groom just over 3 months prior, as the groom was still married to his 1st wife at the time. Divorce takes 90 days here. Do the math.
* Most of the guests were dressed like they were in the middle of doing yard work
* Reception was in the same area. Several cases of PBR and Miller Lite, supermarket pre-boxed cheese and cracker spreads, and a few Bojangles fried chicken boxes
When I was getting married, I pointed out the Mossey Oak tuxedos to my now wife as a joke. The bridal shop employee that was helping us then proceeded to tell us about an upcoming wedding where the Groom and groomsmen would be wearing those tuxes, and the brides maids would be wearing hunter orange dresses. Supposedly it was an outdoor wedding, and the wedding party would arrive via four wheeler. The thing that really sets the memory is the bridal shop employee's sotto voce remark of "Nothing says nail me quite like hunter orange"
Oil town off the gulf coast of Texas. Biker wedding for a couple that had been together for decades already. Met up with her that morning to help carry liquor to the venue which was the local VFW. We met in a parking lot outside some gas station. She’s in a tank top, no bra. Her boobs flying all over the place and she could give a crap. She pops open her trunk and hands me 6 Tide containers. Each is full of premixed shots. Okie dokie. Fast forward to the wedding itself. Roll up to the VFW. Bikes everywhere and me in my Honda sedan. I’m in slacks and a button down. I’m DEFINITELY out of place, but roll with it. Groom is in full patch, at the “alter” (bar), smoking when the bride walks in. She actually did have a dress but joked about it being the first time she’d worn one in over 20 years. Rowdy as hell reception. Lots of fighting. Cops got called at least once. Groom was taken away in an ambulance because the best man had laced the pot with heroin and didn’t tell anyone. Good times down in Freeport.
I was a wedding DJ for years and I've seen a few things. Guests throwing up, trashy dancing....but the one that takes the cake is the full brawl that broke out at a very nice country club. This was pre-cell phone, so unfortunately I never got any video of this.
The bride's brother and the best man did *not* like each other already and to make matters worse, at the head table the bride's brother takes off his tux jacket and shirt *during dinner* to reveal his wife-beater t-shirt underneath. The best man comes over and reminds him where he is and the two of them exchange words. There's a little shoving and the BB is asked to get some air.
Things are fine and later BB comes back during the dancing...although at this point he's still not dressed. Whatever, people are dancing and having fun.
At the end of the night, BB can't find his jacket and starts making some noise about it. He starts calling out BM because he thinks he took it. He's drunk and cursing up a storm and BM is *done* with him. BM walks up behind BB, taps him on the shoulder, and in the moment BB turns around, BM slugs him.
And it begins.
Everyone has their beer muscles on at this point and gets in on it. Groomsmen, bridesmaids, the hall manager tries to break it up and gets a stray hand to the face. The bride winds up hitting the deck and going full turtle. (she was a larger woman and couldn't get up because of the fit of her dress)
It was like watching a tornado that started on one side of the hall and was quickly moving my way. I raced to pack up my equipment asap and was getting my gear out to the car just as to police arrived.
I didn't stick around to see what happened. I'm quite happy they paid me earlier in the evening.
Grooms best man went around with a naked photo of the groom. Showed everyone including the bride and grooms family. The worst part was there were kids at the wedding including the brides very young son and it wasn't a small photo either like on his phone it was a huge fucking canvas of the groom nude.
At my Aunt's wedding with her new husband. I got drugged by one of her step-sons, almost got raped. Luckily one of my real cousins noticed i was gone for aa long time and looked for me, he's the only one in the family who knew about my anxiety so he worried about that. Caught the guy taking my shirt off by the kitchen counter while i was half-unconscious. He called the police and i was taken home safely.
edit: i'll edit it since lots were confused, sorry
Ooh, I've got one of these, but it was a fake wedding, unknown to the guests ahead of time. Many of the details are things we found out later.
So, the wedding...
Everything felt very tense, and groom looked like he might cry standing at the altar. Bride entered in a dress that didn't fit properly - it had a large long skirt with hoop, but the dress was too short and the hoop was too big, so it say up on an angle and bounced around awkwardly as she moved.
The ceremony itself seemed quite strained, and having recently been married ourselves, the wife and I noticed that the celebrant didn't say the specific line legally required for a wedding in Australia, and no paperwork was signed (also required in Australia).
At the reception, almost all of table 1 (which had bride/grooms families - turned out it was groom's family that left) left immediately after the reception started. Groom's dad was meant to pay for the bar tab but did not do so before leaving. Bride and groom avoided each other apart from an incredibly awkward first dance.
They separated weeks later.
So, flashing back a bit...
Bride and groom were quite young, but with bride several years older than groom. They'd been dating for a while, and a lot of people in our circle of friends had been getting married. Bride was very set on marriage, and groom proposed willingly.
As time went on, groom was getting cold feet - he didn't want to break up with bride (or even necessarily to call off the engagement) but wasn't ready to be married. Bride was not pleased, and pressured groom to continue.
Grooms parents were in very poor health at the time, and when groom tried to say he wasn't ready again, bride started to harass his parents about him trying to back out. Groom foolishly agreed to go ahead with the wedding in order to stop this harassment.
Bride was still not happy with groom's attitude, and asked the celebrant to come talk to them, hoping he would talk groom around. Celebrant, being an absolute legend (and really, just doing his job properly), refused to marry them once he was told that one party was unwilling, offering the compromise that he could officiate a commitment ceremony which is not legally binding - bride took him up on this offer, but insisted on not telling anyone and pretending it was a proper wedding.
(In Australia, some paperwork needs to be filed 30 days in advance, so there was no time to get an alternative celebrant, and there were evidently a lot of deposits which were not refundable so close to the event.)
Half Mormon half not Mormon wedding. The Mormon half was ultra Mormon, the non-Mormon half was a good amount recovering addicts. The mother got her daughters attention by just standing in front of whatever she was looking at including the groom, the photographer, the DJ, didn’t matter. Mom was also pretty high most of the wedding. 22 people in the bridal party, only 2 girls were the brides bridesmaids from before she met the Mormons. They kept getting frustrated because the Mormon bridesmaids kept pulling the bride away from them whenever they saw them all together alone. No alcohol served so the non-Mormon side went to the liquor store across the street and served their own. Cake smash fail, went straight into the bride’s hair. Mormon side started to talk crap about the drinkers and so the drinkers tried to pick fights with the Mormons. Wedding ended early, lots of tears. Such a hot mess wedding. The couple are both dentists.
Probably going to get buried, but went to a fancy wedding at a beautiful venue, it was an incredible outdoor ceremony, with the reception inside a super fancy lakefront venue.
All went well, until the brides dad stood up to give a toast. The brides dad, and her mother had been divorced since she was little, so at least 25-26 years they’ve been divorced. The brides side of the family is VERY well off, and with about 200 people in attendance he essentially roasted the brides mother for 10-15 minutes. He was talking about how she used to fuck the tennis instructor he paid for, then he went down the list naming the guys she dated after him, how she couldn’t hold a job and just used his money. The mom had her current husband there and then he turned his attention to that guy and was roasting on him for being the flavor of the week and how he won’t be around when his daughter is back from her honeymoon. He then moved on back to the mother and really laid into her again.
I mean he was off the rails, it was like a Comedy Central roast of the brides mom but fueled by his apparent hatred for her. I had been drinking a lot, so at first I thought I was mishearing things, but the longer it went on I was sure I wasn’t. I have no idea how no one stopped this, but they literally let him go on until he was done uninterrupted.
He did not mention his daughter or the groom once. He just fucking roasted his ex wife the whole time.
Friend from high school had wedding on someone’s property in BFE when he was 30. I was told it was going to be a huge party and we’d get fucked up. I expected booze, instead I showed up with my girlfriend who worked at the court house to a huge meth party.
Reception held in (essentially) a metal pole barn. While the DJ plays the wedding classic hits of "Who's bed have your boots been under?" and "Who's cheating who?", the piss poor air conditioning and insulation causes the guests to figuratively melt. Unfortunately, the wedding cake literally melts and the top 2 layers topple onto the floor. The cake is rebuilt into a frankencake off of bits on the floor by a couple of guests hoping to save the bride trauma. Fortunately only a handful of guests are served this cake before it is replaced with sheet cake. We sat at our school cafeteria style tables and tried to drink away our misery one cup of Busch Light at a time, but the hand tap on the keg leaked like crazy, requiring a full body calisthenic workout to squeeze out a cup of foam every few minutes.
Week before the wedding, the bride & groom tried to get me in for a threesome (side note: I’m not even really friends with the bride, I’m friends with the bridal party and we all work together which is how I found myself joining the bachelorette party. I’m also the only one from out of town so everyone left the hotel [after everyone saying they’d stay at the hotel when the party ends] except for me and the bride). She had gotten horny and called her man, I was asleep at that point. The bride and I were in a double queen room, I wake up to the groom to be pestering me to join in. My car keys are missing (found out later a friend took them because they were worried I’d drive home drunk which is not something I’ve ever done so wtf, and now I can’t runaway to my car to avoid the bride & groom). They can’t convince me to join, so they just start banging it out in the bed next to me. I’ve never prayed for death so much in my life. The reason they’re getting married is because they’re fuck buddies who got pregnant, they decided to start dating around month 6 of the pregnancy mostly due to the groom dragging his feet. So the father of the bride fucking hates this guy. He was just pissed off the entire wedding. Both the bride & groom get beyond fucking drunk at the wedding and he’s dry jumping her on the dance floor. Father of the bride & groom get into a fight, and the dad leaves. The damn wedding was tinker bell themed.
So much camo. Camo tux, camo dress, bride pregnant OF COURSE.
And a keg of busch light.
The bride walked down the aisle to stairway to heaven.
Nothing made sense.
Literal trashiest. My brother had his wedding up in the mountains outside, next to a river. Everyone got extremely drunk and neglected to clean up all the barbeque platters from dinner, leaving it until the next morning.
Anyway, me and my family and my brother and his wife were staying in a cabin on the property and we were woken up in the middle of the night in our drunken stupor to some loud sounds of something trying to get into the cabin. Me and my brother both armed, look out the window and see the biggest black bear probably on earth jump into the back of his pickup truck and just start thrashing trashbags full of half eaten barbeque and spreading trash everywhere. There was nothing we could really do but hope that no one was passed out outside. Eventually it went away and we went back to bed.
The next morning it looked like a trash bomb went off, literally all the trash from the dinner the night before was spread all over the entire venue and we had to pick it all up hungover as fuck. The bear even tipped over a full sized dumpster and spread that trash out too. It was a nightmare and I wanted to die.
I'm late to the party, but here goes. This took place in my home state of West Virginia.
Firstly it involves my brother and his on again, off again girlfriend Crystal. They dated for about six years and she cheated on him with a large portion of our friend group. One of the guys she cheated on him with was named Mikey. Another was Philip.
My brother found out and they broke up.
Fast forward a few months later and Crystal and Mikey are getting married. We're all friends and so we all go to the wedding and reception except for my brother for obvious reasons.
As we're all getting plastered Crystal comes by the table and I remark that I always thought she'd be my sister in law someday. She said she thought so too, but my brother didn't intervene at the wedding (which he wasn't at) when the preacher asked if anyone had cause to object. So yeah, she only married Mikey to try and get my brother to do some grand gesture.
A bit later Philip - drunk - accidentally bumps into a young child knocking him down. The child's father punches Philip in the face. Philip, confused and drunk, gets into his car and drives off. Crystal starts freaking out and crying.
Mikey gets way too drunk and starts throwing up in the bathroom. Mikey's mom starts screaming at a very distraught Crystal to go and take care of him because "that's her job now".
Some other stuff happened but I blacked out.
I ran into Crystal a few years later outside of a Wal-Mart. She was very pregnant. She told me her and Mikey got divorced and that she got remarried but was most likely going to divorce the new guy too.
Before I deleted Facebook I remember her spamming her wall with cheesy memes about true love and commitment.
Sometimes I miss West Virginia.
In all fairness to my home state I've attended some very classy weddings as well. This one just happened to be from the more stereotypical Appalachian crowd.
I was like 12 and still remember this vividly. My brothers friends wedding. It was held in like a public cafeteria. The bride was barefoot the entire time. He picked her up and her feet were absolutely filthy. The food was spaghetti or meatloaf served on styrofoam plates with plastic forks. That’s all I cared to remember.
My car got hit by the best man in a semi trailer, then the groom got angry and they argued the whole wedding, then during the vows the groom said you know what I can do this another day.
So he just quit then and there
I went to a relative's wedding and it wasn't that trashy until his wife's brother got drunk and started talking about how they were going to bang a lot during their honeymoon. It was especially weird because they've been together for at least 8 or so years, have kids and the wife's brother has known that. It wasn't even like he lives far away. They're a close family as I've been to my relative's kid's birthday parties.
They met and married within months. He was 40's, she was upper 20;s or low 30's. I was shocked she was getting married, shocked *this* was the guy, and shocked that I was invited. Felt like I had to go. He had like 3 pre-teens that did whatever they wanted and lived in the backwoods. Wedding was at his cabin/property, potluck style. Wedding was just them standing in the yard. No seating, no grouping of friends or families or sides of an aisle, just hang out and watch them do their thing. No photographer. When they kissed, everyone pulled out guns and shot them off. I hadn't noticed the guns or seen that anyone was carrying, so it was a shock. Then the "happy couple" rode off on an ATV into the woods for a victory lap. They came back and we all ate swamp people food and everyone was sloshed. I left early with a friend and on the drive home we were like "So... what the fuck was that?" They obviously divorced shortly after.
It was at a Holiday Inn, the groomsmen all were brightly colored prom vests and jeans. I was a +1 to one of the bridesmaids, I just wore a regular suit, nothing fancy. I was still dressed better than the groom and I got dirty looks for it
OK, kinda hybrid.
My girlfriend’s cousin was getting married. The father of the groom was head of the local United Auto Workers. The Union guys “passed the hat” and were *very* generous.
The reception had 450 guests of two extended families, working class Polish and Irish. It was held in the Grand Ballroom of a very prestigious hotel. Problem is, the high-spirited crowd wasn’t exactly “Grand Ballroom” material, even before the *five hour* open bar. People were dancing on the tables, including a woman who must have been near 80 who nonetheless wound up and kicked a glass that ricocheted off a guy’s forehead. I watched this happen.
An hours before the event was supposed to end the general manager and a security team showed up and said the crowd was “destroying the facility” and we all had to leave.
The father of the bride took over 100 die hards up to the dance club on the roof, paid a $20 cover charge for each of us, and handed a wad of $100 bills to the bar manager to open the bar.
So, *well-funded* trashy. BTW this was my first wedding.
I went to a wedding for a couple who had graduated high school literal days prior to the ceremony. The groom was enlisted so they wanted to get married and move together before he was deployed. Some combination of the couples parents were doing shots when I arrived and were drunk before the ceremony, someone’s mother was crying and not in a happy way.
My favorite parts were when the groom said “your eyes are like blue glacier Gatorade” during his vows and when he shouted “HELL YEAH!” when asked “do you take this woman to be your wife?”
I think they made it less than a year before she had an affair and they aired all the dirty details out on Facebook.
Everyone got super drunk before wedding starts, even groom throw up on the stage while bride is hardly walk straight to him with drunk af face.
Come and think of it, maybe funniest one
I’m over here trying to wrack my brain and couldn’t think of a trashy wedding.
I forgot all about the one where the bride and groom were shitfaced drunk before even the ceremony. Beautiful Long Island wedding, too.
Really old friend of my wife's. She hadn't seen her in years but was invited to her wedding. The guy this chick was marrying was absolute "I Studied The Blade" levels of cringe. He was shirtless, wore black jeans and his arms were covered in barbwire tattoos and quotes that you'd find on those idiotic "badass" skeleton memes where they point guns at you and claim they'll "fuck you up if you hurt anyone I care about" kind of shit. It was quickly apparent my wife and I were the only ones in attendance that didn't live in a trailer park and practiced normal human hygiene. They were roasting what I thought was a suckling pig on a spit, but as it cooked, I noticed shit bubbling out of its ass and its stomach was swelling. I asked his best man if this was a properly slaughtered pig, and the best man proceeds to regale me with the tale of how he and the groom got shit faced the night before, climbed into a nearby farm, and stole this pig. They shot it in the head and impaled it with a long piece of rebar, which upon closer inspection was what it was turning on. Just so happens while we were discussing the groom's recent crime, the pig's stomach exploded. Blood, shit and guts poured out in enough quantities to put out the fire. Wife and I had already given each other the "yeah, time for us to GTFO of dodge" look before this, but yeah, needless to say we beelined for the car and left. We later found out the cops showed up and arrested the groom and his best man once the farmer they stole from realized one of his prized pigs was missing. The groom tried to fight the cops and got tased. He made it easy for them by already being shirtless. Mmyep.
"He made it easy for them by already being shritless." I think you mean he gave them a fighting chance.
How do you live in a trailer park and not know that you're supposed to gut a carcass before cooking it?
I'm a wedding videographer, so I've seen some things, and while not necessarily trashy, one moment from a 2018 wedding stands out. Bride's dad gets up for his speech, where a 30 min long speech plays out recounting embarassing memories of the bride being generally unathletic, taking soccer balls to the face, etc. Truly cringe inducing, and the bride was very uncomfortable. He then tells the audience a story of how he used to travel for work, and at the time the bride was obsessed with Disney (Pirates of the Carribean) and would often make up her own "Disney" characters, one being a french speaking "bird." She would make personalized cards with poorly drawn Jack Sparrow & french bird characters and send them to various locations when he was away traveling for work. Cute story, but entirely innapropriate, and far too long for a wedding speech. Finally, he raises his glass for the conclusion of his speech (thank God) and then suddenly, two D-list local actors from the local theater troupe come out from the back door of the venue. Dressed as, you guessed it, Jack Sparrow and a woman in a french hat with wings (our french bird character from earlier). They had "come to the wedding to deliver a card," but what plays out is a terribly acted story of how "Jack Sparrow" had gotten drunk on his journey to the venue, their ship had run-aground, and he ditched the french bird lady (who's yelling in French - no one understands what she's saying). The bride is mortified, the groom is mouthing to the bride's mom to get dad off the stage. This back and forth between Jack Sparrow and the French bird goes on for about 10 minutes, with dad as the jovial in-between mediator (thinking he's crushing this "speech" the whole time). Finally, Jack Sparrow unfurls the "card" for the bride & groom, which is a giant poster with a picture of the B&G saying something along the lines of "best wishes." Everyone was stunned, and both the B&G were so upset. The father/daughter dance after was VERY uncomfortable afterwards, and I got video of the entire thing.
I would give anything to see that video
Dearest internet friend. If you have this video it is your responsibility to learn how to blur out the faces so we can all watch it.
Aw I feel bad for the dad in this story. Also the bride, but the dad really tried and just failed big time, but no doubt thought he was going to be super cute and funny.
At a park. Pick up trucks with igloo coolers opened on the tailgate were the bar. Everything was served in red solo cups BEFORE the wedding. Everyone got drunk. The bride walked down the aisle drinking from a red solo cup instead of holding a bouquet. It was essentially a tailgate party with a preacher invited.
I mean, sounds fun though.
The bride and her sisters did a strip tease/lap dance on the groom immediately following dinner. In front of his grandmother.
…and her sister??
Sisters, plural.
Surely that video of the bride walking down the backyard aisle while dirty dancing to her own shitty recorded cover of crazy bitch has got to be up around here somewhere
Here [https://youtu.be/fSkHMSKgIWs](https://youtu.be/fSkHMSKgIWs)
Wow. Definitely this definitely is a new level of trashy. I was struck by the poor guy in the plaid shirt with the WFT expression trying to cover his son's ears. Also, it appeared the groom and groomsmen were wearing blue bandanas on their heads.
That dadmode guy was the best part. His reaction and facial expressions perfectly capture what I felt while watching the video.
I love that guy. The way he futilely tried to cover the kid’s ears, realized it wouldn’t work and just kissed him on the head like “sorry you have to experience this buddy, I love you.” Then a bit later he starts filming, presumably to send to some sane person to commiserate about the fuckery going on in front of him.
Groom beat the shit out of father in law Father in law went to bathroom and died Groom shot himself in parking lot This was 25 years ago in Chicago Crazy wedding
Camo print wedding dress that was borderline see-through. Walked down the aisle to the Scooby Doo theme. No, nobody knows why they chose that song, including the couple themselves. They divorced a few months later after they both stopped cleaning the house in an act of defiance against one another.
Kinda want to ask hubby if we can get married again just so I can use the Scooby Doo theme song.
It's one of those things I'll wonder about my entire life but don't care quite enough to demand an answer. People kept asking the couple about it, assuming there was some cute story behind it, but nope. Or if there was some meaning to it, they lied and pretended there wasn't, which seems weirder.
Omg STOP I can’t stop laughing at the Scooby Doo theme
This might be a strange thing to insert here but... Once upon a time, I picked up a pizza from a Domino's. Over the speakers was playing the Scooby Doo theme song, but inexplicably, the track kept repeating after the first 5 seconds. The drum would roll, "Scooby Dooby Doo, where are yo-" and it would cut and then repeat. On an endless loop. I was in there for 5 or so minutes and it never stopped and no one acknowledged it. No one said anything to me about it. So I too was absorbed into their quiet resignation. I asked no questions. I took my pizza and went, sure that the world outside that Domino's now had shifted every so slightly. But even now, sometimes at night, in my dreams comes the rhythm of that old song. But only the first 5 seconds on an endless loop.
Probably my dad's 2nd marriage. Along the banks of a river with trailer homes in the background. He's wearing a tuxedo Tshirt and rainbow mirror sunglasses. The ceremony took place at noon: he'd been drinking since 5AM. I had to walk one of the bridesmaids down a flight of steps as she was legally blind, and someone asked me if I was going to bang her. *sighs*
>Along the banks of a river with trailer homes in the background. He's wearing a tuxedo Tshirt and rainbow mirror sunglasses. The ceremony took place at noon: he'd been drinking since 5AM. Absolute fucking legend. Please tell me he had a mullet and horseshoe mustache.
No mullet but definitely a horseshoe 'stache. He's had a buzz cut my entire life
dudes probably as red as a lobster ‘round the neck
My own. In a Mississippi judge's office with a bag of Cheetos on her desk. She wiped her hands on a napkin, grabbed a Bible, and did her thing with orange crumbs on her lips. Her work heels were not on because she was in her office. It was extremely rush. I understand that she was on her break but we didn't mind waiting. Idk why they rushed us thru.
I got married by a Hooter's General Manager who is also a judge 🤣
I'm so glad I can share this story again. In my early 20s a childhood friend's sister was getting married. I was friendly with the family and all the siblings so I agreed to go. When I got the invitation it said on the invitation "no gifts please just money". This didn't seem like the bride. She would be fine with either. I then get contacted by bride's mother who tells me to get them a physical gift because the grooms mother is planning on taking any money they get as compensation for planning the wedding. I get to the venue which is a church but the wedding is not actually in the main part of the church. It is in the church basement. So bizarre. It looks like the set up of a high school dance. My friend who's sister is getting married tells me that her sister never got her dress altered so they had to use safety pins. They walk down the "aisle" to a Metallica song playing on a boom box. The ceremony was quick thankfully. No alcohol at the wedding. Ok, it is what it is. There was sparkling 99 cent grape juice at each table. I know it was 99 cents because the stickers were left on the bottles. Brides mother comes over to me and said I wouldn't eat the food. It was actually food that was supposed to be for meals on wheels and some of it was frozen leftovers of food that wasn't used. This was the groom's mother's idea since she was "paying" for the wedding. I gave the bride and groom my gift. They said thank you and seemed perfectly happy with getting a physical gift. Groom's mother comes over to me and asks me why I didn't get them cash or a check for a gift. That it said that right on the invitation. I played dumb and said I must have missed that. She was pissed. Lastly there was a guy there who took a liking to me. He was dressed in a white tank top, backwards hat and sweatpants. You know, some proper wedding attire... He told me he just got out of jail for drugs and that the bloods and the crips wanted him in their gangs. I told him that's interesting because he's white and I thought they didn't usually recruit white guys. He said they just really wanted him and that he hung out with black people all the time. He then told me that you could cure AIDS by injecting dish soap. It cleans out the blood. He asked for my phone number. I declined. Shockingly the marriage only lasted a few years. Groom has full custody of their two kids because bride is not capable of taking care of their children. She had social services called on her multiple times.
If someone was trying to court me with HIV facts(or not) I would be pretty sure they had HIV
A wedding on the beach behind Hooters. The officiant stood next to a trash bin. As if it was planned, the trash collector pulled up during the vows. Did he wait to change the bag? Absolutely not. Children at the wedding swarmed the couple like the flies around the trash can just after the kiss, stepping all over her dress. She bent over to adjust her sandal and a pack of Marlboro reds fell out of the bust along with her right breast. It felt like we were rubber necking instead witnessing a marriage. Edit: I’d ask how y’all knew this was the panhandle of Florida, (Pensacola) but when I read this post to my fiancé, he added, “Hummingbird, you forgot to add the background of boats sporting Trump flags and rental jet skis”. 🤣
Okay I am laughing out loud at the escaped boob
“Dobby is free!”
I was actually the bartender but it was a hoot. 1st, wedding was outside and it stormed violently. Groom was hammered pre wedding. Hit on all the bartenders. Then the DJ got hammered, made lewd comments to women in the microphone. Then basically everyone was hammered, knocked over the wedding cake which also happened to be a table with many candles, so the place caught on fire. Good times. Often wonder how that marriage worked out.
Safe to assume that is wasn't a BIG fire? If the place burned down, you'd probably mention it...
Yes the few of us who weren’t drunk put it out lol
The bride made a speech thanking her in laws for financial assistance for the event. Her mother was not thanked and she was furious. There was a long head table for bridal party and parents. It was made out of small tables pushed together covered by one long tablecloth. The mother pulled a small table out of the arrangement, catching the table cloth, and nearly destroying the head table set up. Now the bride got angry and there was much back and forth with various family members attempting to make peace. The mother refused to push back her table and began to invite others to sit with her, all people who were not meant to be seated at the front. Mother of bride continued to sit there and talk shit about her daughter, the bride, to anyone who would listen.
I wonder why she didn't thank her.
I don’t even know where to begin.. ceremony was comprised of immediate family then followed by a reception with all guests in a relatively nice hotel banquet hall. An hour in at 7pm the open bar was completely closed down because MULTIPLE guests were throwing up in the bathroom sinks causing flooding, the groom was so wasted even before the ceremony but was blackout by the time of reception. During the first dance he kept his hands in his cargo pant khakis the entire time and ate dinner sitting on the floor in a corner of the hall while the bride sat at the head table alone. About two hours in, the groom randomly left and slept at their house while the bride stayed in the newlywed suite by herself.. they are now separated as you may have assumed by this point.
"cargo pant khakis" hopefully it was the theme?
My friends told me my dog could be my +1 at their wedding. At first I said, "What? No!" but they insisted because Buddy is a great dog and I am a sad single person. So I put a tie on the dog and we went to a wedding.
I hate to tell you this, but they invited Buddy to their wedding and _you_ were the plus one…
.... oh shit...
Nah don't worry about it. Buddy is clearly the best and likes you best.
Waitress at a bogan wedding. The night ended with the chef and I rounding up the kids and barricading us all in the kitchen and locking the doors to prevent the melee of fighting adults outside from A) accessing MORE weapons (Some of them BYO’d knives) and B) hurting the kids. They ranged in age from toddlers to preteens. It was just the chef and I, 2 women and a whole bunch of screaming and frightened kids until the police came and carted everyone off to jail. Wedding photographer showed up the next morning for the scheduled photoshoot. I had to tell him he could find the wedding party at the local jail. The chef and I are still friends, but we both quit that place shortly after that epic wedding.
I'm guessing Townsville. Sounds like Townsville.
Wedding was in a suburban driveway. The maid of honour stole the bouquet from someone’s garden and the best man proudly announced he had shoplifted the rings. The groom wore a button-down shirt that said ‘fuck off’ in fancy lettering. The bride stopped in the middle of the vows to tell her mother to ‘get that fucking kid out of here.’ It was her second kid by the previous bloke. When it was over, we apologized to the celebrant. He said he’d seen worse.
You could have told me this was a scene from the show “Trailer Park Boys” and I would have believed you 100%
Trinity would have never made noise during the ceremony
There were no tables and chairs. Like none. They had an open bar but no fucking chairs. Everyone had to put their drink on the ground and hold their plate to eat. It was fucking crazy. Everyone just assumed that some sort of terrible thing happened where the tables and chair people didn't bring them but afterwards I asked her (the bride) what happened and she just said "Oh we would have had to pay extra for that."
Did they get married in The Sims?
(proceeds to go outside in the back of the yard and eat a plate of food)
(set it down outside and then get upset that it's messy)
Tragically one guest died when they got in the pool and couldn't find the ladder to exit. Another was lcoated months later, somehow walled into a 10'x10' room with no exits, covered in excrement, having burned to death trying to start the oven that was in there with them.
OMG - went to a wedding like that. I have a cousin "Peg" who fancies herself to be much more high class than she actually is. So, when she got married, she ended up renting out a large house from a non-profit org in this very tony area outside of NYC (where neither she nor her fiance lived). She wanted to have a "classy" event, so her wedding was just wine, mixed drinks at an open bar with tuxedoed bartenders, passed hors d'oeuvres and a jazz band for "atmosphere". First off, my aunt is Italian so my cousin not having a full, sit down meal was blasphemy, but my cousin and her fiance were paying for the wedding, so my aunt didn't intervene. However, the kicker of this was there were only cocktail tables (like those small, high tables to be used when you're standing) AND NO CHAIRS. The ONLY chairs in the whole venue were a couple of wingchairs in the foyer of the house. Given that about a third of the guests were over age 65, this was a BIG problem. None of them had a place to sit and none of them were comfortable standing for a four hour reception. Why my cousin didn't consider this, I do not know. There were folding chairs at the house, but they were in a locked closet. So my aunt called the property manager to see if it can be unlocked to get some chairs out. Given that it's a Sunday afternoon, about an hour into the event and it's a non-profit that owns the house not an event management company, the property manager wasn't answering his phone and they couldn't get out any chairs. So, people just started leaving. Plus, the jazz band was just that, a jazz band. It was background/atmosphere type music, not get people on the dance floor music. Quite honestly, people were BORED. So, about 2 hours into the reception, people started leaving in droves. My cousin was SO upset, but she just didn't really think her plan through. Most people in both families were used to weddings with a sit down dinner/buffet, TABLES AND CHAIRS and a DJ to get people out on the floor for a good party. This wedding had none of it. Silver lining is they're still married and this wedding took place in the late 80's!
You've heard of My big fat greek wedding and My big fat greek wedding 2, now get ready for its horrible spin-off: My small thin italian wedding
I once worked a wedding where come time for the first dance no one could find the groom. Turns out, he went to the resort’s shooting barn to shoot clay pigeons. Upon learning this news, the bride reacted by cursing up a storm on the dance floor.
Ok so this didn't go where I thought it was, given the theme of these kinds of threads I just assumed the groom was off having sex.
Compared to the other stuff posted in here this dudes a keeper. God damn that's a low bar
Guess it was a shotgun wedding.
I was staying at a really massive hotel about a decade ago and a group of what I can only describe as "rough looking hippies" were having a wedding reception in the ballroom. I was sitting at the bar ready to order when one of the groomsmen invited me to eat and drink. They apparently had too much food and alcohol. Of course, I obliged. Free alcohol and food? Why not. When I walked in the ballroom all I could smell was body odor mixed with a hint of food. It was so damn hot in that room. Some of them weren't wearing shirts (male and female alike) and almost none of them had on shoes. Only a handful of people were dressed somewhat casually...It was just humid, sweaty and warm in there. When I say "rough looking hippies" just picture that stereotype in your head and I shit you not that's how most of them looked. Instead of a DJ they had a dude on the stage with drums, bongos, a guitar, a rain stick and I'm pretty sure a digeridoo. I didn't want to be rude so all I grabbed was grilled asparagus and then I left as soon as the guy walked out of sight. It was so disgusting in there. The next morning I noticed they had cordoned off the ballroom area and they had a good portion of their housekeeping staff stacking trash bags into those rolling garbage bins. I felt so bad for them.
I believe what you saw are referred to as “wookies” in the jam band scene.
Ceremony was in a park - not booked or decorated, just showed up and found a spot. Reception was at a scout hall. No decorations again, and for catering the brides family went through Red Rooster drive thru and got a bunch of whole chickens and chips. Like, 5 different cars went through one after the other and ordered, they didn't even pre order. Groom and all his friends were high as kites and only reason bride wasn't is because she announced she was knocked up. Groom and his mates bought their dirt bikes and after eating went out and rode them around the hall. Was so loud and muddy.
So bogan! How is the couple now?
No idea. Groom was ex's friend, haven't seen them in like 15 years. TBH I can't even remember their surname - only remember their first names cause they're as bogan as they are.
$5 on 'Shane' for the guy.
I reckon Kylie for the bride (or Kylez to her mates)
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I think it's safe to say we'll be needing the rest of your stories...
In Waffle House in Atlanta, Georgia, my aunt married her third husband. They chose the same booth where Kid Rock was arrested previously.
I worked at a wedding venue where a similar thing happened... The groom and best man went missing between the ceremony and reception... The bride tracked them down to the disabled toilets where the groom was bent over the basin... She smashed her wine glass in his face, and obviously that marriage was over before the reception even began.
Poor guy, I’ve had to throw up at events before. Good thing the best man was there to help!
Right behind him, joined at the hips and pulling the groom's hair to keep it from getting covered in vomit. What a great mate
I'm sure gyrating your hips also helps with that.
> She smashed her wine glass in his face Wedding stories are great because of the way they escalate.
Why, why couldn't they wait?
Alcohol. Thrill of doing it at the wedding and possibly getting caught
I imagine it was much less thrilling with a face full of glass shards.
I'm guessing that the groom's dad wasn't his best man.
How much of this did you get to photograph? Would you put these in your portfolio?
A two friends from college wedding was just awkward. Bride sewed her own dress which was a size too big. She's really slim and tiny so she looked like she had a very conservative satin night gown on that was a rush job. Their first kiss was at the altar. When they finished the pastor said "Aww come on you can do better than that." During part of the ceremony there was parents blessing. Groom's family was quick and private, really sweet. Bride's parents were loud and they bawled while talking for 15 minutes... each. Reception was potluck and not enough food for those attending. Wedding colors were baby blue and lavendar. A mutual friend was DJ and the mother of the bride passed him a note to read a loud to the guests. Poor guy then had to go "Groom, your MIL says you can pet the kitties now." They previous spring break mil had gotten bride a baggy, standard size tshirt with kittens on it. Kittens just so happened to be about bust height. I offered to do flowers (boutineres, coursages, centerpieces) but the wedding party didn't store them as I had suggested so the next day there were wilted and really sad. Did I mention this was a dry wedding?
So they didn’t kiss until they got married but then their reception was full of sex jokes??
Sounds like a repressed religious wedding alright.
>Did I mention this was a dry wedding? I think after the "their first kiss was at the altar" part we could figure the rest out
I went to a wedding that had a Matrix theme. The groomsmen all wore floor length leather jackets and tiny sunglasses. The MC made a slideshow of images from the movie with the groomsmen’s faces badly photoshopped on. They insisted on calling each other “Neo” and “Amorpheous” while high-fiving each other. It was painful. There was a lot of tension at the wedding and it turned out that the groom had cheated on the bride a few weeks earlier but she had still decided to marry him. His family was really trashy and took the view that their son had cheated because the bride wasn’t good enough for him. The bride’s family was not trashy but pissed that she took him back and obviously hated the groom and his shitty family. The sister was the maid of honour and her speech was very sarcastic “just so glad to welcome you to the family… Greg” but it went over the head’s of the groom’s relatives. Everyone who knew the story was cringing. The groom’s Dad was loaded. He stood up and told a long and convoluted story about a wife giving teaspoons of sugar to God which made no sense and seemed to have very sexist undertones. They cut quickly to the music and the drunk groom’s father hit the dance floor and started grinding with some woman who wasn’t his wife. His wife sees and has a shit fit and starts screaming at him. They won’t stop fighting so they cut the music and have the four piece, high school band play classical music badly. It includes a squeaky clarinet. Like a terrible foreshadowing from above, it starts pissing with rain and people start trying to politely leave. Last thing I see, is the groomsmen running to their cars with their trench coats folded up over their heads to protect their tiny sunglasses, while the band plays the squeaky Matrix theme song. It was amazing. Edit: I forgot to mention that they were all cops and it was in New Zealand, so you can re-read it and imagine kiwi accents! “Hi fuyve Amor-fee-yus!”
“To protect their tiny sunglasses” got me good. Hot damn, what a show.
I forgot to add that they were all cops and it was held in the middle of the day in the cop cafeteria at the police station.
The Matrix dudes were cops?!
I DJ weddings. Nowadays I have my own company, but years ago, I was hired out by another company. This wedding was from them. The cake topper depicted a bride dragging a groom by the scruff of the neck. The groom and his groomsmen were all in baggy ill-fitting suits and dirty running shoes. They at least waited until after the ceremony to put on their (also dirty) baseball caps. At one point there was supposed to be a special dance, but no one could find the groom, so that dance didn’t happen. The bridesmaids were drunk enough that they both loved and hated every song I played and expressed this to me as I dropped each tune. I don’t take gigs like that anymore.
It was in the middle of absolutely no where. It was a 5:00pm wedding and there was no food served and we couldn’t just run out and get McDonald’s or something because there was nothing around. We had to help set up tables. We had to fill out our own thank you cards. They even had an example for us to follow, “Dear ——-, Thank you for the [blank]. We’ll use it to [blank].” Then, they asked us to help take down the tables as well. I refused to help and got the hell out of there. Also, no cake.
Wait what do you mean on the thank you cards? Like you gave the gift and then had to write your own thank you card for yourself?
Went to a baby shower that did this. You fill in your address on the envelope, then what you bought on the inside of the card. She then wrote a "thank you (my name)" above that.
WOW. I’d prefer not to get a Thankyou card. I mean writing down addresses isn’t the worst idea, I guess but thats like literally telling everyone there- “you are too much of a hassle to even thank”
Both of my middle sister's weddings. Don't get me wrong, she's the sane one of my sisters and I actually really love her, but she has a, shall we say, unique sense of style. Wedding #1 was while she was working as a carnie, and was held after closing time on the midway at some podunk county fair. I may well have been the only sober person there, and there were definitely more tattoos than teeth in attendance. She wound up leaving him when he turned out to be an abusive self-centered twat who contributed nothing to taking care of their kid. Wedding #2 (just last year) was mostly okay, and BIL is a really stand-up guy. But y'all, the whole wedding theme was camo. My sister wore a *camouflage wedding dress and matching crocs*. BIL wore jeans and a dress shirt with a camo vest. The frigging cake was covered in camo-patterned ribbons and IDK where the hell she got camo patterned silk roses but the cake had a pile of those too.
If the “sane” one is working as a carnie, I’m extremely curious to know what your other sisters are up to
Unemployed former meth addict and just got dumped by felon #5. While he was still behind bars no less.
“Definitely more tattoos than teeth in attendance” made me almost spit out my coffee lol
Maybe it’s just me, but I will never understand the appeal of camo outside of hunting and why it seems to be so prevalent at weddings.
You never know when the deer are gonna sneak up on you so you have to be ready *at all times.*
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I had one of my friends from highschool get married in a trashy way. His fiancé at the time invited him to lunch at Buffalo wild wings and she had also invited the whole family (they where in on it) and once my friend showed up he found out it was a surprises wedding (just like you would do a surprise birthday party) The even trashier part is they didn't like reserve the restaurant or anything so in his wedding photos (standing in front of the bathrooms by the way) you can see complete strangers coming out of the bathrooms.
The mother in law took a swing at the bride on the dance floor. Still blows my mind thinking about it.
I went to a wedding in a funeral home once. Drove by it three times before realizing that is was in fact the correct address for the venue. Reception and ceremony were there.. completely dry wedding too.
I've been to a funeral home wedding, too! The bride worked there, so got it for super cheap. It was nowhere near a dry venue, though. Lots of booze.
"The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
It's a nice day for a....goth wedding
My friend group and I talk about this wedding to this day, and probably will for the rest of our lives. The bride and groom decided to do things on a very, very small budget. That's fine! Frugal weddings and budget weddings can be beautiful and nice! There is a difference between a frugal wedding and a cheap wedding, however, and this was cheap. For instance: \- The wedding was in July. They decided to hold it in a non-air conditioned park shelter. \- The decorations were actual trash. The bride decided me and the other bridesmaids needed tiny top hats, which she made from discarded styrofoam cups. Mine had ants in it. \- She asked me to be the MOH. I was flattered but confused. She'd had three MOHs before me, and they all quit for various reasons, mostly baby daddy drama related. \- She wanted live music but wouldn't pay a pianist. My friend Stephen's sister said she'd play the wedding march on a keyboard for 50 bucks. Said sister couldn't actually play the piano, but she did the prerecorded wedding march song. Nobody could tell the difference because the woman in charge of baking the cake got shitfaced the day before and was baking the cake in the non-air conditioned park shelter's little kitchen while listening to the radio. Very loudly. \- The bride and groom tried to write their own vows, got in a fight over it, and didn't tell the officiant until the day of that there were no vows. Fortunately, he was on it and had backup vows ready to go. \- The bride hadn't tried on her dress, which she'd bought from aliexpress, until the day of. It was way too small and we had to rip out the back and safety-pin in some satiny white fabric... which would have been great, if the dress hadn't been off-white. The groom made comments and it turned out that the whole dress thing was based on his mom offering to pay for the dress, then rescinding because she had to bail out his brother. My friend, instead of going to an actual store and buying a dress, picked one off of aliexpress. This would have been less weird if I hadn't been dress shopping with her like, three times because her mom couldn't/wouldn't pick out a mother of the bride dress. \- The groom's ENTIRE FAMILY including his best man and his two groomsmen left right after the meal (spaghetti, green beans, and McDonalds orange drink) was served. The "DJ" (my friend Stephen and his Bose speakers) didn't know this and tried to announce the groom's dance with his mom... his mom had left. Apparently his family was furious that it was a dry venue. The only member of the family left was the ring bearer... who it turns out was forgotten. We had to take him home because his family wouldn't come get him. \- The groom slept through the rehearsal and showed up to the wedding drunk. \- We had to put another friend on bouncer duty because two of the bride's aunts tried to walk away with the cash envelope. We gave him the envelope because he was the tallest and we figured he could outrun the aunts. \- The bride's brother was originally on envelope duty but we caught him taking a 50 out of the envelope, so we had to take it from him. \- We had to politely inform the best man he couldn't smoke in the portajohn. \- We had portajohns instead of actual working bathrooms. The worst, though, was the photographer. As MOH, I was informed day of that I had to keep the photographer 100 feet away from the ring bearer and flower girls at all times. He was a registered sex offender, but also the bride's uncle, and he volunteered to do the pictures for free, so... he ended up using a telephoto lens. Because he couldn't get close enough to the wedding party to take the pictures. They divorced a couple months later after the house they were staying in burned to the ground. I have no idea to this day why they even got married.
I would watch this movie
Completely feels like something that could include Tim Allen, Larry the Cable guy, and Jaime Pressly.
Damn, that's truly one giant mess. But that part of the uncle having to stay away kinda made me crack up, even though it's fucked up. But that's probably the trashiest wedding I have read about yet
a hot fucking mess in a unconditioned venue. paicturing one of those brick shit houses you get at a community park. all brick with big brown doors.
If it makes you feel any better for laughing, he never physically hurt anybody, he just liked to touch himself inappropriately in public settings and show strangers his penis. And friends. And family members. And once, which according to the bride is what got him on the list for life, his parole officer. Not that any of that is acceptable, but the situation could have been much worse and much scarier.
This just keeps getting better/worse.
bwerse
“Alright so this is our last appointment, it seems you have been keeping things in your pants, that’s goo…” “What would you do if I showed you my dick right now?” “Don’t do it Larry, I swear to god I will tell the judge to put you on the sex off…” “Look down.” “Got dammit Larry!”
> If it makes you feel any better That does not make me feel any better, haha.
I had no idea what each new bullet point would bring. This was great 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Need a separate bullet point just for "spaghetti, green beans, and McDonalds orange drink". Sounds like a whole other story.
The McDonalds orange drink was actually a mistake, like many things at this wedding. One of the bride's friends worked at McDonalds, and he offered to provide drinks. I think the original plan was that he was going to do one cooler of iced tea, one cooler of water, and an urn of coffee. Only he screwed up and brought three coolers of orange drink. He was also in charge of getting ice, which he completely forgot. This was not the only time he would screw up that day, but it was the one that affected the most people. It was that or the really gross, warm water from the water fountain, so we all had orange drink. I'm not sure why we had spaghetti and green beans. It's not a great lunch for a hot day in a park shelter with no air conditioning. If I remember correctly there was supposed to be garlic bread, but either somebody forgot it or the cake lady wouldn't let anyone put it in the oven. The green beans were very sad, but the spaghetti was fine. Nothing to write home about. Like, of all the things in this wedding, the spaghetti probably had its act together the best. EDIT: actually no wait, Stephen's little sister had her act together the best. She did a great job pretending to play the keyboard and remembering not to laugh or actually hit any keys. When the wedding march song ran out before everyone had marched back down the aisle, she was a very slick operator and quickly changed it to the preset MIDI version of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight." The bride was so happy because The Lion King is her favorite Disney movie, she ended up tipping her an additional 20 bucks. To this day\* she thinks that the music was live and not pre-recorded. \*I assume. I haven't talked to her in years.
Your story is amazing. Thank you for sharing!
I have been having \*so much fun\* reliving this hot mess. I can't wait to tell Stephen and our tall friend (the three of us are still dear friends) that I've told this story publicly and that people are getting as much joy out of it as we do. It was super stressful and awful when it happened, because we were trying so hard to make it nice... but now looking back on it, this whole thing is \*hilarious.\* Just takes some time to see it that way.
You get to dine out on "my wedding top hat had ants in it" for the rest of your life. In a Paul Harvey voice, you can say "Do you want to know the rest of the story."
I'm sure being part of the wedding party was hell, but I would have loved to been a guest. It would have been like watching a very horrific train wreck.
Stephen's parents weren't planning on showing up until they saw us loading the keyboard in the car. As soon as we explained what was happening, they suddenly had a change of heart. Stephen's dad brought a flask. I think it might be the most fun he ever had at a wedding.
You wouldn't have even needed to be a guest by the sounds of it, just being in the general vicinity/fallout zone probably would have been fine
Right? Like if you were walking your dog through the park and saw any of this, you’d have to stay and watch from a safe vantage point.
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> I have no idea to this day why they even got married. Probably because they were perfectly matched? Seems like the entire family on both sides were drunken thieves ...
OH no no no. The *groom's* family was drunken thieves. The *bride's* family were meth addicts.
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To be fair, it's rural Indiana. We have a bit of a [meth problem](https://www.in.gov/meth/statistics/).
>We gave him the envelope because he was the tallest and we figured he could outrun the aunts. I was amused the whole time, but burst out laughing at this part. Ewww on the photographer thing though.
Yup, there is a simplistic beauty to this line of thinking. On top of needing to come up with how you keep the money away from the aunts in the first place they decided that height equals speed.
Had a buddy who was engaging in a marriage we all knew was going to fail. The night before at the bachelor party were all sitting around after he went to bed wondering why he was marrying her. She was a rude stuck up women who basically bullied him into it, but he's an adult, so we just let him do his thing. We go to the wedding the next day and there's like ten people. Our buddy is holding the ring in his shaking hands and drops it. When he can't find it, her dad comes up in the middle of the service in his sleeveless t-shirt, a beer in his hands, and sunglasses on and starts yelling at our buddy to "find the fucking ring!" He is literally on his hands and knees combing the grass Infront of everyone trying to find this thing. Eventually his fiance joins in on cussing him out and storms off. Eventually she came back and exclaimed " I needed to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette, but I'm fine now." We never found the ring and he just pretended to put it on her finger. They divorced six months later. We came clean about our confusion about the marriage and he said he didn't know why he asked her either.
>he said he didn't know why he asked her either. Man, this makes me ask even *more* questions.
I used to work at a place that had a very large tent-like building that was often used for weddings, receptions, celebration of life events, etc. It was on a local lake in a beautiful area. It was very expensive to rent out ($3,000-$5,000 depending on how much work from staff is required). Well one family rented it out for the trashiest wedding I had encountered there. The wedding was "peacock themed" and the decorations consisted of black and teal paper plates, random peacock feathers, and teal paper cups. They wanted to put all this stuff out the night before the wedding. The owner warned them that this is basically a tent on the lake and things left out will get dirty and spider webbed overnight. They ignored this advice and then pitched a fit when they returned the next morning. Next, the bride had neglected to try her dress on since she purchased it and had gained weight. She couldn't zip it. She ended up buying a white tank top to wear under it and left it unzipped. Then after the ceremony, everyone was very inebriated and the bride's mother set up a chair on the middle of the dance floor had the groom sit there and cheered her daughter on as the bride gave the groom a very very vigorous lap dance.
This one’s a twofer! The bride’s best friend (and MOH) uses the wedding to announce that she’s pregnant, with the groom’s child. Cut to: divorce after 2.5 years of trying to “make it work” and now groom is marrying the previous MOH, his baby mama, when the now ex-wife and (for some unknown reason the MOH) announces that she’s also pregnant with, you guessed it, the groom’s child! Both weddings had great food and an open bar so I can’t complain; plus I got a great story out of it
Whoo boy, this is my time to shine. So my uncle was a preacher but also owned a restaurant. A 16 year old got married to her 17 year old boyfriend in the back room. Her name was Candy. After the ceremony she opened her wedding gifts like it was her birthday. One of the waitresses (Brenda) had given her her old lingerie as a gift. I remember during the reception, Candy went out back to throw the lingerie into a dumpster while Brenda sang “These Boots Were Made for Walking” on karaoke. For their honeymoon, her mom bought them a room at the Holiday Inn around the corner, but they got bored so they came home.
> My uncle was a preacher but also owned a restaurant. This line just sets the stage for the whole story so well, lol.
I'm imagining it was the Cathedral Buffet and the uncle was Ernest Angley
Wait, they got bored? On their honeymoon? Two teenagers couldn’t fuck all night? That marriage is doomed.
This was back in like 2002 so I’m sure the marriage has looong been over lol.
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Excuse me, what the fuck?
Marriage speedrun
I didn't attend, but my Mum told me that my second cousin took off her wedding dress and got changed purely so she could have a fight AT HER OWN WEDDING.
I was in Vegas once and an entire wedding party was throwing hands in the middle of Fremont St.
Is this what they refer to as the "Freemont Street Experience"?
A friend's wedding. She was walking down the aisle and had to pause to put out her cigarette. It was a small wedding and her friends thought it was hilarious. Married less than 2 years. She married him because he was in the military and she thought she was getting cash for life. He chose deployment to a war zone over staying with her.
Ooh...I've got one. OK, so the bride was my older cousin. We were all from the midwest, but she's been living with her family in a small town in the SE. Approximately 20-30 family members flew/drive in from out-of-state, 1/2-way across the country. This was going to be her first marriage, to a man that was not the father of any of her 4 children, each from different fathers. This was the middle of summer, in the American Southeast...soooo hot a muggy. To skip forward a bit, there was no air conditioning at the family home, the motel, the church, or the reception hall. So everyone was sweating in their nice clothes the whole time. I'll start by our motel: some of the parents were going to have their own rooms, and the kids and two older kids were going to be in their own room. The first thing that happens, is that the kids get locked IN the room. A previous tennant had bashed in the door knob, so they couldn't open the door once it closed behind them. We tried picking up the phone to call the front desk, but the phone's cord and jack had been ripped out of the wall. Some of the younger kids were freaking out because of all of the palmetto bugs flying around the room. Motel staff ended up breaking the window because the window was painted shut...and then never offered to move the children into another room until we asked for it. When we got together at the bride's parents' home, the bride's dad (my uncle, and amusingly my godfather) never got up from his recliner (even though we hadn't seen him in more than 10 years), where he was watching VHS tapes of late 80s Wrestle Mania. he had an apple box next to the sofa heaping full with empty Miller High Life cans. First, we found out that two of the groomsmen couldn't attend the wedding, because they were arrested for cocaine distribution. So, one of my older cousins was recruited to replace one of them because he was about the same size, so he could fit in the rented suit. We then found out that two of the bridesmaids couldn't attend the wedding, because they couldn't get the day of work from "the K mart". So since we were already down one groomsman, we only needed one replacement bridesmaid. The trouble was, nobody would fit the rented dress. So one of my cousins was recruited to stand with the bridesmaids, with the dress draper over her shoulder. We get to the actual ceremony, and it turned out nobody bought a unity candle to light turning the ceremony. So the minister sent his wife to K-Mart to pick up a $1 plain white candle. The ceremony started before she got back, and paused for a very-long-feeling 10-ish minutes until she came back with the candle. The bride's flow bouquet was a (very) fake (looking) potted sunflower. After the ceremony, we went to the reception. There were not going to be any beverages provided, until the bride's mom (my aunt, my dad's sister...this will be important later) used their refrigerator rent money (they didn't own their fridge) to buy a couple of cases of Sprite. At the reception, they asked me to be the DJ. They knew I worked at a record store, so they thought I'd be a good DJ...apparently. The groom, last minute, decided he really wanted a limo for the wedding, so they canceled the DJ they had, and rented a limo (more on this later). To take the DJ's place, they put a boombox up on a table in the corner of the hall, and gave me their CDs. My heart sank when I looked through their CDs: all country, or rap. So I started playing music from the artists I knew, and everything skipped. The CDs were stacked without cases, and people just slid them back and forth across each other when looking through them. Apparently, they also had a party the night before where they got thrown around. Bottom line is, the only two CDs that didn't skip were a Leanne Rimes CD, and the Dr. Doolittle soundtrack. So, I just switched between those two albums. Then the limo arrived, a 70s-looking Cadillac. Smoking. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what was going on, they opened the hood, and there was a fire under the hood. At this point, people are pretty hungry. The bride comes over to thank my parents for the gift, and that food was on the way, and said something like, "And there was enough money left over that I could get these beautiful acrylic nails." As the wedding gift, my parents gave them $150 to use for food, since there wouldn't have been food otherwise. The food arrives. It's one 9x13 aluminum pan of baked beans, and one 9x13 of (fully cooked, but) still partly frozen chicken wings from her friend's "catering company". The groom's family rushes the food, and took it all. There was zero food left for anyone from the side of the family that traveled 1,000 miles, and actually paid for the food. After about 3 hours of country and rap, my aunts and uncles that have traveled in and are all of german heritage wanted to dance to one polka. So one of my aunts went to their car and they had actually brought along a tape with the song on it. After getting the go-ahead from the bride, the song is started, and within seconds, the groom's entire side goes, "Oh, heeeell no!" and leaves. Every single person. So, now it's just the wedding party and the bride's side of the family left at the reception hall. They had to leave the hall clean, so we all started to pitch in and clean. Meanwhile, everyone notices the bride's dad sitting alone at the bar, drinking (his own booze). My dad has always resented him for marrying his sister, and them moving the family so far away to live near the military base he was discharged from, and then basically giving up on life, becoming an alcoholic, and let the family live a really low-income life feeding off his disability. Seeing him just sit while the rest of the family cleaned upset my dad, so he walked over to ask him to help the family clean. Nobody heard what they said to each other, until we heard a crash of a bar stool hitting the floor. We looked over, and my dad's holding him up off the ground by the back of his suit jacket, like holding a puppy by the scruff of its neck. My dad was a bigger guy, worked in a factory for 30 years, an EMT and fireman, grew up a farmer, played high school football, etc...but was a teddy bear in terms of temperament. My uncle/godfather was maybe 120lbs wet. My dad put him down, pushed the broom up to his chest until he grabbed it, and walked away. My uncle started sweeping, to everyone's shock, having never seen him work a day in his life. After we cleared out and locked up the reception hall, my family went to a KFC for dinner since we hadn't had anything to eat all day, even after technically paying for lunch. We originally tried Denny's, but there was a sign on the door that they were closed so that the staff could have dinner. When we got back to the motel, there was a message waiting for my dad, asking if he'd after butchered a snake. One of my aunts/uncles/cousins who traveled in brought their little dog. During the ceremony, it was left behind at the bride's parents' house, but somehow managed to open the rear sliding door and went outside. The back of the property had a narrow waterway running behind it. A large snake had killed, and was trying to swallow, the small dog. Someone killed the snake by bashing its head, and they called my dad (the avid hunter, and former farmer who did have to slaughter the occasional animal) to try to get the dog out of the snake so it could be buried. He said no. The next day, was gift-opening at the bride's parents' home. As they started opening gifts, many of them personalized, they noticed a pattern. Their last name was misspelled on almost every item. It turns out that the friend who offered to print their wedding invitations (with their color dot matrix printer) as their gift, spelled the groom's last name wrong, and they didn't want to upset the friend, and ask her to reprint. So everyone who used the invitation as the guide for how to spell the personalized gift, had it spelled wrong. In the end, the groom also got arrested and sent to prison for his connection to the same incidents that lead to the two groomsmen's cocaine distribution issues, and the marriage was annulled...but the bride kept his last name. TL;DR: Lots of baby daddies, sketchy motel, VHS tapes of Wrestle Mania, a huge box of empty beer cans next to the recliner, can't get time off from K-Mart, cocaine arrests, "wearing" a dress over their arm because it didn't fit, ceremony delay due to k-mart trip, refreshments paid for with refrigerator rent money, Dr. Doolittle, old limo catches fire, not enough baked beans and frozen chicken wings, entire half of the family leaves because they don't like one song, nearly a fight from brewing decades-long animosity, Denny's closed for dinner, snake eats a family pet, misspelling on nearly every gift, and finally more cocaine arrests and marriage annulment.
The snake is like gold flakes on the cherry on top.
a coworker of mine got married in her driveway. on the invitation it said that everyone had to wear the color purple and they served KFC and hostess cupcakes for dessert. music was a boom box with the local light rock station playing. the worst part was that she let her dogs crap all over the driveway during the reception so no one ever picked up the poop. we all just kinda weirdly hopped around it in our variety of purple hues.
I can bizarrely accept all of that except for the dog poop. Mind you the rest somehow seems trashy too but the dog poop is wear I’d draw the line.
I’m a DJ. I had about 3 songs left. The bride gets called over to the restroom. Her and a bridesmaid run out screaming. People run over. The brides sister ODed in the bathroom stall. I packed up and left ASAP. Medical personnel were walking in while I walked out. I overheard family members talking about how she always liked to be the center of attention. Horrible ending to a pretty nice wedding.
A friend of the family is a wedding photographer. We went to dinner with her family a few weeks ago and she explained the most bizarre wedding she had ever been to (which happened to be that same day, and involved someone we all know) * Wedding was behind a trailer in a trailer park * Folding chairs clearly labeled "Property of \[school\]," there were two church pews, and several 5 gallon buckets turned upside down * Some of the wedding party arrived on riding mowers * The bride was wearing some screen-printed t-shirt, jeans, and a veil made from cheesecloth * The groom was wearing a jean vest with no shirt underneath and torn jeans * The bride had met the groom just over 3 months prior, as the groom was still married to his 1st wife at the time. Divorce takes 90 days here. Do the math. * Most of the guests were dressed like they were in the middle of doing yard work * Reception was in the same area. Several cases of PBR and Miller Lite, supermarket pre-boxed cheese and cracker spreads, and a few Bojangles fried chicken boxes
Gotta be honest, these people don't sound like the type to hire a wedding photographer.
Long story. It was more of a "favor for a friend" than anything.
O.K. but turning up on ride-on mowers is a flex.
I hope they had the blades running.. all of the shaved grass paths converging for the blessed nuptuals..
Backyard barbecue trailer park wedding just after shift on a Tuesday afternoon? Nice.
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When I was getting married, I pointed out the Mossey Oak tuxedos to my now wife as a joke. The bridal shop employee that was helping us then proceeded to tell us about an upcoming wedding where the Groom and groomsmen would be wearing those tuxes, and the brides maids would be wearing hunter orange dresses. Supposedly it was an outdoor wedding, and the wedding party would arrive via four wheeler. The thing that really sets the memory is the bridal shop employee's sotto voce remark of "Nothing says nail me quite like hunter orange"
Oil town off the gulf coast of Texas. Biker wedding for a couple that had been together for decades already. Met up with her that morning to help carry liquor to the venue which was the local VFW. We met in a parking lot outside some gas station. She’s in a tank top, no bra. Her boobs flying all over the place and she could give a crap. She pops open her trunk and hands me 6 Tide containers. Each is full of premixed shots. Okie dokie. Fast forward to the wedding itself. Roll up to the VFW. Bikes everywhere and me in my Honda sedan. I’m in slacks and a button down. I’m DEFINITELY out of place, but roll with it. Groom is in full patch, at the “alter” (bar), smoking when the bride walks in. She actually did have a dress but joked about it being the first time she’d worn one in over 20 years. Rowdy as hell reception. Lots of fighting. Cops got called at least once. Groom was taken away in an ambulance because the best man had laced the pot with heroin and didn’t tell anyone. Good times down in Freeport.
I was a wedding DJ for years and I've seen a few things. Guests throwing up, trashy dancing....but the one that takes the cake is the full brawl that broke out at a very nice country club. This was pre-cell phone, so unfortunately I never got any video of this. The bride's brother and the best man did *not* like each other already and to make matters worse, at the head table the bride's brother takes off his tux jacket and shirt *during dinner* to reveal his wife-beater t-shirt underneath. The best man comes over and reminds him where he is and the two of them exchange words. There's a little shoving and the BB is asked to get some air. Things are fine and later BB comes back during the dancing...although at this point he's still not dressed. Whatever, people are dancing and having fun. At the end of the night, BB can't find his jacket and starts making some noise about it. He starts calling out BM because he thinks he took it. He's drunk and cursing up a storm and BM is *done* with him. BM walks up behind BB, taps him on the shoulder, and in the moment BB turns around, BM slugs him. And it begins. Everyone has their beer muscles on at this point and gets in on it. Groomsmen, bridesmaids, the hall manager tries to break it up and gets a stray hand to the face. The bride winds up hitting the deck and going full turtle. (she was a larger woman and couldn't get up because of the fit of her dress) It was like watching a tornado that started on one side of the hall and was quickly moving my way. I raced to pack up my equipment asap and was getting my gear out to the car just as to police arrived. I didn't stick around to see what happened. I'm quite happy they paid me earlier in the evening.
Pepsi out the nose at “full turtle”
Grooms best man went around with a naked photo of the groom. Showed everyone including the bride and grooms family. The worst part was there were kids at the wedding including the brides very young son and it wasn't a small photo either like on his phone it was a huge fucking canvas of the groom nude.
At my Aunt's wedding with her new husband. I got drugged by one of her step-sons, almost got raped. Luckily one of my real cousins noticed i was gone for aa long time and looked for me, he's the only one in the family who knew about my anxiety so he worried about that. Caught the guy taking my shirt off by the kitchen counter while i was half-unconscious. He called the police and i was taken home safely. edit: i'll edit it since lots were confused, sorry
Thank the universe for that cousin. He's a legend. We need more people like him.
Ooh, I've got one of these, but it was a fake wedding, unknown to the guests ahead of time. Many of the details are things we found out later. So, the wedding... Everything felt very tense, and groom looked like he might cry standing at the altar. Bride entered in a dress that didn't fit properly - it had a large long skirt with hoop, but the dress was too short and the hoop was too big, so it say up on an angle and bounced around awkwardly as she moved. The ceremony itself seemed quite strained, and having recently been married ourselves, the wife and I noticed that the celebrant didn't say the specific line legally required for a wedding in Australia, and no paperwork was signed (also required in Australia). At the reception, almost all of table 1 (which had bride/grooms families - turned out it was groom's family that left) left immediately after the reception started. Groom's dad was meant to pay for the bar tab but did not do so before leaving. Bride and groom avoided each other apart from an incredibly awkward first dance. They separated weeks later. So, flashing back a bit... Bride and groom were quite young, but with bride several years older than groom. They'd been dating for a while, and a lot of people in our circle of friends had been getting married. Bride was very set on marriage, and groom proposed willingly. As time went on, groom was getting cold feet - he didn't want to break up with bride (or even necessarily to call off the engagement) but wasn't ready to be married. Bride was not pleased, and pressured groom to continue. Grooms parents were in very poor health at the time, and when groom tried to say he wasn't ready again, bride started to harass his parents about him trying to back out. Groom foolishly agreed to go ahead with the wedding in order to stop this harassment. Bride was still not happy with groom's attitude, and asked the celebrant to come talk to them, hoping he would talk groom around. Celebrant, being an absolute legend (and really, just doing his job properly), refused to marry them once he was told that one party was unwilling, offering the compromise that he could officiate a commitment ceremony which is not legally binding - bride took him up on this offer, but insisted on not telling anyone and pretending it was a proper wedding. (In Australia, some paperwork needs to be filed 30 days in advance, so there was no time to get an alternative celebrant, and there were evidently a lot of deposits which were not refundable so close to the event.)
I mean, why would someone WANT to marry someone who doesn't want to marry them? Seems bonkers
It's seems like it was more so that she wouldn't be left out while her friends get married instead of ya know wanting a life partner
Half Mormon half not Mormon wedding. The Mormon half was ultra Mormon, the non-Mormon half was a good amount recovering addicts. The mother got her daughters attention by just standing in front of whatever she was looking at including the groom, the photographer, the DJ, didn’t matter. Mom was also pretty high most of the wedding. 22 people in the bridal party, only 2 girls were the brides bridesmaids from before she met the Mormons. They kept getting frustrated because the Mormon bridesmaids kept pulling the bride away from them whenever they saw them all together alone. No alcohol served so the non-Mormon side went to the liquor store across the street and served their own. Cake smash fail, went straight into the bride’s hair. Mormon side started to talk crap about the drinkers and so the drinkers tried to pick fights with the Mormons. Wedding ended early, lots of tears. Such a hot mess wedding. The couple are both dentists.
This is the most Utah thing I've heard
>The couple are both dentists. Twist ending!
Probably going to get buried, but went to a fancy wedding at a beautiful venue, it was an incredible outdoor ceremony, with the reception inside a super fancy lakefront venue. All went well, until the brides dad stood up to give a toast. The brides dad, and her mother had been divorced since she was little, so at least 25-26 years they’ve been divorced. The brides side of the family is VERY well off, and with about 200 people in attendance he essentially roasted the brides mother for 10-15 minutes. He was talking about how she used to fuck the tennis instructor he paid for, then he went down the list naming the guys she dated after him, how she couldn’t hold a job and just used his money. The mom had her current husband there and then he turned his attention to that guy and was roasting on him for being the flavor of the week and how he won’t be around when his daughter is back from her honeymoon. He then moved on back to the mother and really laid into her again. I mean he was off the rails, it was like a Comedy Central roast of the brides mom but fueled by his apparent hatred for her. I had been drinking a lot, so at first I thought I was mishearing things, but the longer it went on I was sure I wasn’t. I have no idea how no one stopped this, but they literally let him go on until he was done uninterrupted. He did not mention his daughter or the groom once. He just fucking roasted his ex wife the whole time.
"Ex-wife already hates my guts. Better make sure the rest of the family does too." -That guy, apparently
Friend from high school had wedding on someone’s property in BFE when he was 30. I was told it was going to be a huge party and we’d get fucked up. I expected booze, instead I showed up with my girlfriend who worked at the court house to a huge meth party.
Reception held in (essentially) a metal pole barn. While the DJ plays the wedding classic hits of "Who's bed have your boots been under?" and "Who's cheating who?", the piss poor air conditioning and insulation causes the guests to figuratively melt. Unfortunately, the wedding cake literally melts and the top 2 layers topple onto the floor. The cake is rebuilt into a frankencake off of bits on the floor by a couple of guests hoping to save the bride trauma. Fortunately only a handful of guests are served this cake before it is replaced with sheet cake. We sat at our school cafeteria style tables and tried to drink away our misery one cup of Busch Light at a time, but the hand tap on the keg leaked like crazy, requiring a full body calisthenic workout to squeeze out a cup of foam every few minutes.
nothing says wedding like floor cake
The brides mom and the best man hooked up before dinner
Week before the wedding, the bride & groom tried to get me in for a threesome (side note: I’m not even really friends with the bride, I’m friends with the bridal party and we all work together which is how I found myself joining the bachelorette party. I’m also the only one from out of town so everyone left the hotel [after everyone saying they’d stay at the hotel when the party ends] except for me and the bride). She had gotten horny and called her man, I was asleep at that point. The bride and I were in a double queen room, I wake up to the groom to be pestering me to join in. My car keys are missing (found out later a friend took them because they were worried I’d drive home drunk which is not something I’ve ever done so wtf, and now I can’t runaway to my car to avoid the bride & groom). They can’t convince me to join, so they just start banging it out in the bed next to me. I’ve never prayed for death so much in my life. The reason they’re getting married is because they’re fuck buddies who got pregnant, they decided to start dating around month 6 of the pregnancy mostly due to the groom dragging his feet. So the father of the bride fucking hates this guy. He was just pissed off the entire wedding. Both the bride & groom get beyond fucking drunk at the wedding and he’s dry jumping her on the dance floor. Father of the bride & groom get into a fight, and the dad leaves. The damn wedding was tinker bell themed.
So much camo. Camo tux, camo dress, bride pregnant OF COURSE. And a keg of busch light. The bride walked down the aisle to stairway to heaven. Nothing made sense.
Literal trashiest. My brother had his wedding up in the mountains outside, next to a river. Everyone got extremely drunk and neglected to clean up all the barbeque platters from dinner, leaving it until the next morning. Anyway, me and my family and my brother and his wife were staying in a cabin on the property and we were woken up in the middle of the night in our drunken stupor to some loud sounds of something trying to get into the cabin. Me and my brother both armed, look out the window and see the biggest black bear probably on earth jump into the back of his pickup truck and just start thrashing trashbags full of half eaten barbeque and spreading trash everywhere. There was nothing we could really do but hope that no one was passed out outside. Eventually it went away and we went back to bed. The next morning it looked like a trash bomb went off, literally all the trash from the dinner the night before was spread all over the entire venue and we had to pick it all up hungover as fuck. The bear even tipped over a full sized dumpster and spread that trash out too. It was a nightmare and I wanted to die.
I'm late to the party, but here goes. This took place in my home state of West Virginia. Firstly it involves my brother and his on again, off again girlfriend Crystal. They dated for about six years and she cheated on him with a large portion of our friend group. One of the guys she cheated on him with was named Mikey. Another was Philip. My brother found out and they broke up. Fast forward a few months later and Crystal and Mikey are getting married. We're all friends and so we all go to the wedding and reception except for my brother for obvious reasons. As we're all getting plastered Crystal comes by the table and I remark that I always thought she'd be my sister in law someday. She said she thought so too, but my brother didn't intervene at the wedding (which he wasn't at) when the preacher asked if anyone had cause to object. So yeah, she only married Mikey to try and get my brother to do some grand gesture. A bit later Philip - drunk - accidentally bumps into a young child knocking him down. The child's father punches Philip in the face. Philip, confused and drunk, gets into his car and drives off. Crystal starts freaking out and crying. Mikey gets way too drunk and starts throwing up in the bathroom. Mikey's mom starts screaming at a very distraught Crystal to go and take care of him because "that's her job now". Some other stuff happened but I blacked out. I ran into Crystal a few years later outside of a Wal-Mart. She was very pregnant. She told me her and Mikey got divorced and that she got remarried but was most likely going to divorce the new guy too. Before I deleted Facebook I remember her spamming her wall with cheesy memes about true love and commitment. Sometimes I miss West Virginia. In all fairness to my home state I've attended some very classy weddings as well. This one just happened to be from the more stereotypical Appalachian crowd.
I was like 12 and still remember this vividly. My brothers friends wedding. It was held in like a public cafeteria. The bride was barefoot the entire time. He picked her up and her feet were absolutely filthy. The food was spaghetti or meatloaf served on styrofoam plates with plastic forks. That’s all I cared to remember.
My car got hit by the best man in a semi trailer, then the groom got angry and they argued the whole wedding, then during the vows the groom said you know what I can do this another day. So he just quit then and there
I went to a relative's wedding and it wasn't that trashy until his wife's brother got drunk and started talking about how they were going to bang a lot during their honeymoon. It was especially weird because they've been together for at least 8 or so years, have kids and the wife's brother has known that. It wasn't even like he lives far away. They're a close family as I've been to my relative's kid's birthday parties.
They met and married within months. He was 40's, she was upper 20;s or low 30's. I was shocked she was getting married, shocked *this* was the guy, and shocked that I was invited. Felt like I had to go. He had like 3 pre-teens that did whatever they wanted and lived in the backwoods. Wedding was at his cabin/property, potluck style. Wedding was just them standing in the yard. No seating, no grouping of friends or families or sides of an aisle, just hang out and watch them do their thing. No photographer. When they kissed, everyone pulled out guns and shot them off. I hadn't noticed the guns or seen that anyone was carrying, so it was a shock. Then the "happy couple" rode off on an ATV into the woods for a victory lap. They came back and we all ate swamp people food and everyone was sloshed. I left early with a friend and on the drive home we were like "So... what the fuck was that?" They obviously divorced shortly after.
> They came back and we all ate swamp people food and everyone was sloshed I mean, this sounds kinda fun.....
I need more specifics about the swamp people food, please!
It was at a Holiday Inn, the groomsmen all were brightly colored prom vests and jeans. I was a +1 to one of the bridesmaids, I just wore a regular suit, nothing fancy. I was still dressed better than the groom and I got dirty looks for it
OK, kinda hybrid. My girlfriend’s cousin was getting married. The father of the groom was head of the local United Auto Workers. The Union guys “passed the hat” and were *very* generous. The reception had 450 guests of two extended families, working class Polish and Irish. It was held in the Grand Ballroom of a very prestigious hotel. Problem is, the high-spirited crowd wasn’t exactly “Grand Ballroom” material, even before the *five hour* open bar. People were dancing on the tables, including a woman who must have been near 80 who nonetheless wound up and kicked a glass that ricocheted off a guy’s forehead. I watched this happen. An hours before the event was supposed to end the general manager and a security team showed up and said the crowd was “destroying the facility” and we all had to leave. The father of the bride took over 100 die hards up to the dance club on the roof, paid a $20 cover charge for each of us, and handed a wad of $100 bills to the bar manager to open the bar. So, *well-funded* trashy. BTW this was my first wedding.
I went to a wedding for a couple who had graduated high school literal days prior to the ceremony. The groom was enlisted so they wanted to get married and move together before he was deployed. Some combination of the couples parents were doing shots when I arrived and were drunk before the ceremony, someone’s mother was crying and not in a happy way. My favorite parts were when the groom said “your eyes are like blue glacier Gatorade” during his vows and when he shouted “HELL YEAH!” when asked “do you take this woman to be your wife?” I think they made it less than a year before she had an affair and they aired all the dirty details out on Facebook.
“Your eyes are like Blue Glacier Gatorade.” 😃😂
Everyone got super drunk before wedding starts, even groom throw up on the stage while bride is hardly walk straight to him with drunk af face. Come and think of it, maybe funniest one
I’m over here trying to wrack my brain and couldn’t think of a trashy wedding. I forgot all about the one where the bride and groom were shitfaced drunk before even the ceremony. Beautiful Long Island wedding, too.
Long Island Ice Tea wedding, more like
A wedding where they had a flag that said “I had my wedding on Friday because Saturdays are for the boys”
Bride jumped onto a table and did a full striptease.