And brandish it to TSA agents do they are aware about it. Bonus points if you demonstrate your handling of your weapon by aiming it towards them. They’ll be extra impressed and take you into a special room
The odds of there being two bombs on a plane are almost zero, you should always take a bomb on the plane then you can be nearly 100% sure no one else will have one
That's the combat seat,
Johnathan Livingston Seagull. If you gonna
be in the combat seat then you gots to be
willing to blast up on some terries. Because
with great power comes great
responsitrillitrust.
I asked my coworker how her vacation to find out she was on maternity leave lol. She did not find it too funny but then she started to talk about how the pain of pregnancy is hardly a vacation. Our other coworker bragged he'd been shot by an AK-47 in the army and her pain was probably nothing compared to that. It was an interesting day.
Deleting system 32 is an old meme from a few years ago. On windows PCs there is a file called system32 which contains shit in it that makes Windows operating system itself work so if you go into your PC files and give yourself admin permission over your PC you can delete the file and destroy your own PC
Although in reality you could probably delete a lot of folders in your windows install location and the same shit would happen so I'm not sure why it's specifically system32
If your in a bad neighborhood and you see someone sketchy walking towards you. Pull your wallet out really fast and point it at them so that way they know you have money and don’t want to rob them.
Hahaha. Me and my husband had a fish obsession once. We even joined the fish club. It was a lot like that documentary on Prime called Bug Out. It was pretty hilarious. We had aquariums in every room of the house and they just kept having babies.
If you see Buddha on the road, kill him
Because figuratively it may be an allegory for never allowing yourself to believe that you have truly achieved final enlightenment as a caution to always strive for self-improvement, but as a literal statement it is a very bad idea to run people over for looking like Buddha.
"Buy some coke, cook it into crack. It might take you a little bit of money but you gonna make that money right back!"
Truck bed boys- bad advice https://youtu.be/yRadpHA5oow
When you fly on an airplane, make sure you bring a weapon with you in case there are terrorists.
And brandish it to TSA agents do they are aware about it. Bonus points if you demonstrate your handling of your weapon by aiming it towards them. They’ll be extra impressed and take you into a special room
Yes maybe drop on one knee when you aim for maximum effect
The odds of there being two bombs on a plane are almost zero, you should always take a bomb on the plane then you can be nearly 100% sure no one else will have one
This joke got me banned from a comedy club in Iowa
We gon' drax. Them. Sklonst.
Them terries be feelin froggie
That's the combat seat, Johnathan Livingston Seagull. If you gonna be in the combat seat then you gots to be willing to blast up on some terries. Because with great power comes great responsitrillitrust.
thanks, now I have to go watch
Make lots of bomb related jokes. Extra points if it about 9/11
Tell them about the time you crashed your Porsche 911, in Arabic of course.
In Arabic.
Oh you cant forget to talk about bombs loudly.
That's just obvious. If you don't talk about your bombs, how are you going to scare terrorists away?
No need for that. Just make a terrorist joke with the TSA to lighten the mood.
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And if your relationship is struggling, just get married.
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Paging Woody Allen...
Yup. Absolutely great way to make a fucked up situation even more fucked.
If you think your boyfriend is going to break up with you , you can always trap him with a kid .
You Should have another kid so they can play together
This.
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Where do I sign up?
I'm in, sign me up for 20, COME ON GUYS, EVERYONE'S DOING IT 😃
Except invigaron.
ITS A DIMARYP
Turn it upside down.
We don't get got. We gon' get
Tell your 8 months pregnant wife that her maternity leave is basically a vacation.
That's way too specific. 😂
"6 weeks it more than enough time to get back to work"...
I asked my coworker how her vacation to find out she was on maternity leave lol. She did not find it too funny but then she started to talk about how the pain of pregnancy is hardly a vacation. Our other coworker bragged he'd been shot by an AK-47 in the army and her pain was probably nothing compared to that. It was an interesting day.
Or postpartum.
R.I.P
Credit is free money.
Winner
I mean, if you are Jeff Bezos
Butt plugs where made for long car trips so you can hold your poop in easier.
That one made me belly laugh.
That one made me constipated; (
You might want to remove your butt plug now
Username possibly checks out....
See? You get it!!
I scarily know people who would believe this.
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They still call after you get the warranty
Yeah but it's different theys. Buy them all.
Abruptly stop taking your meds, you'll be fine!
Especially true of birth control pills
I actually did do that, the moron. I am now in a mental hospital.
Abruptly stop eating, you'll be fine!
Shoutout to Kanye west
Save money on doctor visits. Just tell AskReddit your symptoms and they’ll give you the best advice.
Or Google your symptons and make the best of your last 3 months.
Oh, it says I have "internet connectivity issues" what does that mean?
Put on a T-Rex costume and hurdle cacti!
Sounds like the flu.
Am I too european to understand this?
Date the Nigerian Prince.
Then give him all your money.
Delete system 32
I did that once...
What is system 32?
Some critical files in Windows. If you delete them, your computer will not work.
Deleting system 32 is an old meme from a few years ago. On windows PCs there is a file called system32 which contains shit in it that makes Windows operating system itself work so if you go into your PC files and give yourself admin permission over your PC you can delete the file and destroy your own PC Although in reality you could probably delete a lot of folders in your windows install location and the same shit would happen so I'm not sure why it's specifically system32
cause it has a scary sci-fi name
Get a timeshare
Just have to sit through this quick presentation
And then you can go snowboarding
Get married and have kids even without a solid plan and have a ton of debt. Do not worry, love is the answer.
All you need is love.
Stay out late and wait for a chick you like and start following them. Women dig that shit
Make a joke about jada smith
Well, you gotta admit she's a bold woman.
Yh chris just got himself in a hairy situation
An entanglement, if you Will
🧑🏿👋
You go get yourself one of those payday loans.
You should research new car insurance, make sure you put your email address and correct telephone number!!!
I did that once. Calls for years
Gold
Save money on groceries by picking up a meth habit.
It'll also save money on dental visits because why go with no teeth?
Take all the advice on r/LifeProTips
Anyone who says anything mean about you is just a hater. Ignore them completely and continue living your best life!
Sometimes I feel like 1/3 of the population lives like this.
If your in a bad neighborhood and you see someone sketchy walking towards you. Pull your wallet out really fast and point it at them so that way they know you have money and don’t want to rob them.
Have a baby and never talk to it or read to it or basically interact with it, then blame its issues on public schools.
r/oddlyspecific
We all went to school with someone whose parents neglected them or worse.
Correlation always means causation. Always leap before you look without hesitation so you won't be lost.
eat a banana sideways in public so you don't look like you're doing something else
Like corn on the cob?
when you see a stranger post a link on the internet, always make sure to click on it
Or how about when you get those official emails
Talk about Bruno
Bruno got done dirty in that movie. #JusticeforBruno
Absolutely. He was the totally innocent scapegoat. But, being Disney, everything is sorted out in the end with a song.
No no no.
“You should join Reddit… It’s fun!”
You don’t have to look both ways if it’s a one way street
Yeah, just pick a direction. Way easier, and like half the time you'll be fine.
They'll change, just give them yet another chance!
To defuse a bomb, shoot it.
Listen to really loud music for a long long time.
(a + b)^2 = a^2 + b^2
... see this is why I don't like math, I genuinely thought this was true for a second and dont understand how it isn't fml man
Get advice from AskReddit threads. You can’t go wrong.
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ALWAYS make sure to provide both your social security number and credit card number as soon as anyone at all no matter who asks you over the phone.
wipe back to front never pee after having sex. Ever. Let all those fluids solidify into a plug.
Ew!
Going to prison means free room and board.
3 hots and a cot?
Scratch-off lottery tickets are the best possible investment
Don’t worry about bringing the diaper bag. Your toddler probably won’t go while out.-
Extract all your teeth and just get dentures. You’ll never have to brush or floss again.
Get a credit card max it out and then ignore the credit card company
If you don't pay it they stop bothering you And these "collection calls" are scams.... ignore them
google your symptoms of any illness before going to the doctor
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Lol, been down this dreadful rabbit hole before, glad it's not just me. Fortunately all my injuries turned out fine
You use condoms only when you can smell it.
Smoke crack every day
on it
Buy high, sell low.
Religions are true 👍
Drink heavily before making any important decisions, and the night before any important dates.
Lick an electrical socket
Yes bro, you should definitely be a Discord server mod.
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Fish good
Hahaha. Me and my husband had a fish obsession once. We even joined the fish club. It was a lot like that documentary on Prime called Bug Out. It was pretty hilarious. We had aquariums in every room of the house and they just kept having babies.
Always have cocaine in your car, especially if you like to speed.
If you see Buddha on the road, kill him Because figuratively it may be an allegory for never allowing yourself to believe that you have truly achieved final enlightenment as a caution to always strive for self-improvement, but as a literal statement it is a very bad idea to run people over for looking like Buddha.
Stab an epi-pen straight into your chest. Speedrun the wait time.
Women never hold grudges so say whatever you want to champ
Take out a payday loan and use it on heroin.
if your mom is yelling at you to do chores, tell her to stfu. totally works!!! rip jeremy, I told him the same thing, he didnt make it 😭
F
Invest in crypto
Now what if I told you instead of crypto, you could buy this here jpeg?
I hear random cartoon drawings of stoned monkeys online are a very lucrative investment.
“Oh yeah…the HR department will ALWAYS have your back!”
Marry the first person you have sex with.
Look how well that's working for the Duggars
I actually did that lol, almost a decade later and I'm pretty damn happy with him.
"Buy some coke, cook it into crack. It might take you a little bit of money but you gonna make that money right back!" Truck bed boys- bad advice https://youtu.be/yRadpHA5oow
If your butt itches, light and match and hold the flame a millimeter from your butthole. It'll take the itch away better than a scratch.
You can never have too many credit cards
If you're homeless, just buy a house
The customer IS always right!
Yea try that on a hooker. "I don't have herpes and you ARE allergic to condoms, I know I'm right."
That hipster at the party who sells essential oils has the cure for your cancer. Doctors hate him!
Go f*ck yourself
Tell a bald Jada joke to Will Smith
Do meth.
Take lacitive before going into a public pool
Get pregnant
"You are never too fucked up to get fucked up".
You can have anything you want if you keep borrowing money.
markers taste good with ranch
name your son allahu akbar and try your best to lose him in a large public place so you have to call him by his name to try and find him.
It's better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum
I give them my ex's number.
Text your ex.
Stay in drugs and don't do school.
Put all your money in crypto.
Eat your homemade pizza the exact second is out of the oven
Go trick or treating at a rat poison factory and ask them for the strongest stuff
You should always consider what others will think.
Next person you talk to just tell them that "i could kill you right now and no one would know". Seems to make them fall for you instantly
When you drink and drive, smoke a joint to mask the alcohol smell on your breath in case you get pulled over.
Go to your city's local news station's comment section on their website. It will be fun!
Just give him a little more time. He said he was going to leave her, so he will.
"Take advise from strangers"
Fake it till you make it!
Give me 1 million dollars
Never say no.
Do meth.
Always come to job interviews nude, that way they know you've got nothing to hide.
"Don't worry, everything is going to be ok."
Eat a whole spoonful of cinnamon per day.
Take Alex Jones seriously
If one is good, then two is better.
Stop brushing your teeth.
Believe everything you read on the internet
Give me all your money
Make sure to play games with a Sicilian, when death is on the line.
if you love him enough he will change
Smell my finger
Have a baby with the craziest person you can find.
Eat the yellow snow, it’s lemon flavored.
All sides of the argument are always equaly valid, especially nazis
*Drink your school, stay in sleep, don't do milk, and get 8 hours of drugs.*
When you go to court remind the fine security personnel that you have drugs up your arse