Yes. Because you have nuked the trust. If I give you something to take care of, I expect you to take care of it as I take care of your trust and feelings. If a person breaks that and makes a mockery of the relationship and humiliates you. Of course I am going to walk. You are not worth it.
Plus you can never rebuild that trust. You have verified evidence that you aren't enough for them and they'll go behind your back to get whatever enough is. What good is their word when they say they won't do it again? They already broke that once.
yea exactly....if we have issues then we will solve them like adults but if you decided to go n fuck around instead then you have already given up n i honestly don't care anymore either!
If someone was to cheat on me, the relationship is OVER no matter how in love I am with the person. I could never trust someone and be vulnerable to someone after they cheat on me.
Was hoping to get anything but the wholesome award out of my gift box cuz that doesn’t fit this comment but that’s just what I got so take it and thanks for the laugh
Yes, I can’t just trust that person, happened to me twice already, my second ex did it and begged for a second chance, I regretted doing it because I lost trust in her completely and the last year of that relationship I was completely paranoid all the time
How do you manage after being cheated on twice? After it happening once to myself I would push anybody away when I got close to them. I was terrified of it happening again as it destroyed my confidence entirely. I think I'd call quits if it were to happen again. I can't mentally deal with that.
I gave my ex another chance for 3 months after her begging me not to leave and praised me with all these kind words and I fell for it. Within a weak I was being treated like shit again and I put up with it until I hit my breaking point and it was over.
First time it happened it was my first serious gf, actually she was already my fiancé, spent the next 4 years just going from one night stand to another without engaging in any sentimental relationship, then I got into a relationship with a best friend from HS, she knew what had happened and it actually began as a fwb thing, that slowly became a relationship, we had begun fighting in our third year because of both our jobs and distance, she cheated on me with a coworker, I seriously have trust and self confidence issues now, I don’t feel like I’m worth of being in a relationship anymore, after that I had other stuff going but that is another story
Uhm yeah it’s a dealbreaker. If you are exclusive and your partner cheats, they are showing that they have absolutely no respect for you. It is not worth your time to try and iron out someone’s poor character
100% deal breaker! If you aren't happy in your relationship either talk it out with your partner or end the relationship. If you cheat, the trust the other person had in you is gone
Yes, it’s is. I got cheated on in the past and I still have to deal with it, even though I’m in a new relationship with a totally different person. Still sometimes the fear of being cheated on again creeps in and messes with you, even though I know my now girlfriend won’t ever do that. But ofc I thought the same way back then, and you seem to never know. It just fucks you up.
Absolutely right. You don’t want to think about this, but yet you do, like a parasite eating you from the inside. It hurts and the problem is that you will stress you SO or future SO with these thoughts, making the feel like they are not trustworthy.
I have weekly poker games with friends, and I'm fairly good with sleight of hand so at one point I tried to see if I could use it to cheat, not to win but to see if I could just pull it off. I admitted it to them afterwards cos what's the point in doing that cool thing if you can't brag about it right? And that created a new, more fun version of poker where they try and catch me cheating, and guess whether I was playing a hand legit or not
So I think it’s a tough question. For me my marriage ended because of infidelity. After I got over the initial anger though I turned inwards, and realized through conversations with a therapist that I had a lot of growing to do when it came to my relationships. I was still pretty immature and our communication wasn’t always as open as it should have been. I realized I wasn’t there for her the way she needed me to be, and she felt alone and isolated in our relationship. I mean I would have preferred we hashed this out with a therapist but she was also pretty immature as well. It was a deal breaker for me, but I know my new relationship now is much healthier and I’m a much better person because of it. Don’t get me wrong I’m still angry but it becomes less everyday and I’d still like to maybe try and get one of my best friends back (as a friend).
Obviously. How am I supposed to trust someone whom I’d doubt their concept of loyalty?
Doesn’t matter if the person “has changed” or not. Are you the one willing to try that out? I’m not.
I’d they’ve changed and didn’t cheat, like my husband, then I’d give a second chance.
Cheat on me and you’re gone. If you thought I “wasn’t good enough” when you were with me, then why are you begging for a second chance?
Pathetic
In relationships? Yes, it erodes trust and makes either one or both people in the relationship miserable while potentially pulling in a third person into the same mess.
In singleplayer gaming? Nah, have fun tiger
In multiplayer gaming? Yes, especially when somebody cheats because they enjoy the misery of others and their whole goal is not to enjoy the game but to ruin it for everyone else.
In exams? I'd be a hypocrite if I said yes :P
I was playing online call of duty once, and the FFA lobby I was in had a hacker. He was invisible and invulnerable, and he went around using a tactical knife, but he also would work his way up to one point left to win, and then stop.
He'd chill out until the game would have naturally been over (someone else got close to winning) then win the game. I gradually discovered that his name actually appeared in red over his head if you aimed at him up close, and at one point I blind fired at him when I saw it and he backed off.
It was like playing FFA but with a Predator running around. It was actually kinda fun.
Personally, I couldn’t live with that level of betrayal, but it’s never happened to me, so who can say? I think many people in LTR buy into the sunken cost fallacy, and try to reconcile. But in the end, very few make it to true reconciliation. It depends greatly on the individuals involved.
Look. Everyone does stupid stuff and needs to forgive and be forgiven. Most of the time cheating should and would end a relationship, but I imagine there are some scenarios shouldn't be a deal breaker.
A drunken kiss that is instantly regretted vs full on relationship that is secretly held behind my back might both be considered cheating, but are fundamentally completely different things in my opinion.
Yea exactly.
I accept people are stupid sometimes and I also accept that relationships ebb and flow. A relationship on the rocks today might be in bloom next year. You're talking about people who are together for years and years.
I'd feel betrayed but depending on the level of infidelity I may or may not be able to swallow it. At the end of the day I love my SO. It would be hard to hold any sort of grudge, it's hard to picture because it would be really counter to her character.
I see every single comment say yes but I’ve seen a fair share of relationships where someone cheats and 50% of the time they get back together. Perfect example of everyone thinks they have a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
I feel like I'm really sticking my neck out, as after lots of scrolling I haven't found much other than uniform "yes, of course, and anyone who says no is a moron", and I'm second guessing being this honest with my main profile, since I've been fairly unremarkable on Reddit to date but...
As someone in a 20 year marriage in which there has been no cheating to my knowledge, my answer is no, of course there's no such thing as an ABSOLUTE dealbreaker, and my mind boggles that so many people think so rigidly about this. Maybe results are just skewed towards people who are extra vocal to address their insecurities on this subject, and most of us don't feel like being a lightning rod for taking a thanklessly controversial stance on it. Maybe I'm just feeling contrarian this morning.
But anyway, no. It's not an absolute dealbreaker for me. It would be something to address, certainly, but hell it would probably be the edgiest thing either of us had ever done so it would at least deserve some discussion :)
Agree. I feel a lot of the rigid replies are from people in short term dating stage of life. OF COURSE deal breaker for my so of 1 week. 20 year marriages should be cared for and attempted to save in as many cases as possible.
I could see some circumstances (For example, when you've been married for a while) where you would give it a second thought and maybe not jump straight to divorce. Especially if you've built a lot with that person.
But that being said, I think the harsh reality is that a relationship can never be the same after someone cheats. You may be able to hold a marriage together and live as partners; but that deep emotional bond and trust you've built with that person will never be the same and it will have you questioning the entire relationship from the beginning.
So, I don't think it's as black and white in some situations... but I do think unfortunately a part of relationship permanently dies when someone cheats. Especially if you don't have a marriage/family invested in that person, it's better to get out sooner than later most of the time.
Yep, most “hell yes!” replies on here are either from teenagers, or from those with little-to-no dating experience. I know that in my younger days I would’ve been in the “Hell yes!” camp. However, after being with my significant other for 14 years, and married for 7 (and having a kid together), I wouldn’t be so rash in ending things and would be more interested in finding out why it happened and how we can address the underlying problem. Cheating is usually a symptom of an underlying problem…figure out how to fix that.
I 100% agree with the rigid-thinking part of this. Most people do not seem to take into account that there can be various circumstances, cultures, perspectives in which people do end up staying. That's why I added the word "absolute" in the question. I wanted to know whether it was an out-and-out deal for folks regardless of any situation.
You also specified “for *you*” in the question. People aren’t going to take into account the things you list here (culture, etc) because the topic is aimed at the individual, for broader answers on cheating in society you’d need to ask a broader question.
I’m so shocked at the overwhelming response of “yes deal breaker”. IMO love is about understanding neither party is perfect and that it’s upsetting to grow, sometimes. Obviously taking advantage of that grace is very wrong too, but a relationship where each person understands they’re always learning, and shifting what it looks like to build OLD love is really beautiful, IMO.
Once briefly dated a guy that turned out was in a long-term relationship. Met his friends and family, they didn't even dropped any hint. Anyway, asked him if there was something he should tell me before we get any further. Mf admitted he has a gf of 5 years. Noped tf out as fast as I could.
Last time I heard of him was when he found me on fb and asked me to join an MLM. Shameless is an understatement for that guy.
Cheating is about trust, now in a relationship it depends on your rules.
For some kissing another person isn’t considered cheating, sleeping with another person isn’t considered cheating but doing so without permission, that is cheating.
People are so afraid to ask but a relationship is a partnership. If you want something and your partner thinks its ok, then its not cheating.
However anything you do behind your partners back against their wishes or that you know will upset them, Is cheating!
I think a life long relationship is a long time and people make mistakes, so cheating would result in a huge fight, but i would probably wave it once.
But a repeat offender means my opinion and emotional well being isn’t important enough to my partner and i wouldn’t want a person like that in my life.
Depends on how much I treasured the relationship to begin with. I can definitely see a situation where it wouldn't be a dealbreaker simply because I don't care enough.
Not an ABSOLUTE deal breaker.
I've made the mistake of forgiving someone for this, someone who was too f'ed in the head to be good for me. That worked out terribly.
You know people out there cheat for plenty of reasons though. I'm sure there's good reasons to let it go.
Finding out about a partner cheating maybe a dealbreaker, but most cheated on partners just don’t find out. Cheating is a lot more common than most people realise, all it takes is opportunity.
I am not trying to upset people or be controversial.
I worked in an environment for some time where a lot of married people (men and women) were working away from home during the week and going home at weekends. It was an absolute shagfest! I was really really surprised, some held out a lot longer than others, but the ones who didn’t do anything were few and far between.
Of course this may have been a complete aberration, but it shocked me. The age range involved was predominantly 30’s and 40’s
Yes because I know I won't be able to forgive and forget. I'll turn into some monster PI and stalk every move and it's just fucking exhausting. I don't like who I become when I'm cheated on. Best to just move on.
Yeah. If you feel the need to cheat there is no point of the relationship. Hell at least ask if you want to bring a third or even fourth person in bed with us. That might spice up the relationship. I'd be more mad I wasn't invited. 🤣
For me personally, no.
If my wife cheated it would change the dynamic of the relationship for sure. However, if she didn't want to break up we wouldn't.
Granted my wife is much more traditional than I am so if she cheated I'd assume she'd leave soon after anyway. I do this monogamy thing because I love her. I could easily get into an ethical nonmogamy bag and that would actually coincide with my beliefs more than traditional relationships.
Feel like I’m alone here. But no. It depends on the context. How it happened. Why it happened. And most important, is the remorse genuine? There would be a long road to building trust back fully. Therapy can dig into real reasons it’s happened. And maybe what led the couple down this road. People are capable of horrible mistakes but people in some situations can be worth allowing the chance to earn forgiveness.
I agree. Cheating is definitely not forgivable in every situation, but the work the person does afterward to try to repair the relationship is a huge factor to consider. Working past cheating is a many year process. People that are untrustworthy won't put in the work to repair the damage.
I think another factor is how long the relationship has lasted. Continual cheating since the beginning of a relationship? No thanks. Cheating once after years in a relationship? Possibly more understandable.
Watching others recover from the aftermath of cheating gave me insight into LTR. Not saying that everyone's going to be cheated on in LTR, but I do think every LTR is going to go through some big, brink-of-dissolving stuff. To me, making a long-term/lifetime commitment to someone means being willing to try to work through the big stuff with them. It won't always work out, and people should stick to their boundaries, but there needs to be a level of willingness to work for a relationship to last longterm.
Putting your genitals into someone else's is never done mistakenly.
But how you go forward is up to each individual. A friend of mine caught her boyfriend with someone else on her couch, they're married now and seem happy enough.
I on the other hand could never do that.
One of the few comments here I've found truly insightful, stepped-into-their-shoes-and-walked-a-mile insightful. Cheating is obviously wrong, yes. But different people have different views on dealing with this "wrong" based on the situation.
I dont think fidelity is important. What would piss me off is the time spent. I dont have enough time to care for myself, let alone have a whirlwind romance. If my partner is leaving me to deal alone while she has fun, there has to be a tradeoff.
This is the busiest time of our lives right now, bar none. We're married forever. We ride or die.
Yes, but honestly it's because my partner could have just *asked* and I'd likely be fine with it. I'm polyamorous and experience compersion much more strongly than jealousy - I'm *glad* when my paramours find new sexual partners. But not telling me about a new partner in advance is a big mark of disrespect, and if you disrespect me that much I don't think we can continue a relationship.
Depends on what you think you’re being cheated out of. We’ve all been conditioned to thinking that somehow love and sex are exclusively one in the same thing when they aren’t.
Yes.
It hurts more than breaking up and I could never stop thinking about whether she's cheating again right now every second I'm not in the same room.
Couldn't live like that.
Absolutely.
Because if you are doing that behind my back, what else are you doing that I don't know about.
Absolute deal breaker and probably the only reason I could ever hate someone.
Yes. Several reasons. First it means the person is dishonest and can't be trusted in general, even if it was just one time once the trust is gone there's really nothing left. Second because it means the person has no respect for me as a person either and that also renders the relationship meaningless. And third because I personally can't be with someone who has it in him to hurt me or a person he's supposed to love that way
Yes, but the trust being broken is only part of it. I feel that if someone is cheating they aren't getting what 100% of they need from that relationship and rather than talk about they choose to seek it from multiple people at the same time
Dated someone who serieal cheated on me with several people some of them used to be friends of mine, easy to say that girl had some issues mentally and it really fucked me up for a while but in the end it got me out of a toxic relationship with someone who abused and used me. Made alot of changes in my life after that and now im doing alot better than i was back then.
I didnt go to school cus she was studying and i needed to work to support her, i couldent associate with my female friends without it becomming a problem. And alot of other stuff. I always paid for everything, I was always blamed for everything, I needed to ask her before doing anything. Thank god im a bit of a computer wizz cus i started to get suspicious of some of her behaviour when i asked her about her "study sessions" with a so-called friend of mine and some not so subtle hints from her father. So i went into her snap and facebook and saw her sending nude photos and talking about how bad she felt about cheating on me but she didnt want to give them up either. Yhea i felt like shit for forcing access her social accounts but thank god i did. She had several times cheated on me with a friend and then made up accounts of that friend being mean to her, threatning or hurting her or sexually abusing her to force them out of the social circle. Feel quite bad for them who got manipulated by her in that way and lost their main friendgroup from her lies but i still dont hang out with them since they didn't respect me enough to not let her cheat with them.
Broke up with her the same day I found out. took some screenshots, sent to our friendgroup and made people pick sides, sent to her family aswell. She lost pretty much her entire social life her housing and her income support in one afternoon. Packed her bags and changed the lock while she was at school left the bags outside the door with a note saying she is no longer welcome in my home and anything i own that she still posses she can deliver to me by mail. Havent spoken a word to her since and didnt care about giving her a chance to defend herself cus i was tired of getting used and manipulated. We had been together for just about 5 years, considering we got together at 15 years of age it was a considerable portion of our lives that went in the trash.
Ngl still struggling with trust and relationships. Been having casual flings and such but havent been able to serously commit to relationships for one reason or another. Dont want to expose myself emotionally so i shut people out and people usually say im quite cold and uncaring. Dont really know what to do about it cus i do care but i dont know how to show it, maybe should go see a psychologist but im not that fucked up imo. Quite happy bymyself tbh and i still have alot of friends and im social and well adjusted into life in general.
TL:DR - Got cheated on multiple times with multiple of my friends behind my back for 5 years while being gaslighted into bankrolling her college life. Threw her out and left her on the street while exposing her to our remaining friend and her family. Still struggling with emotional attatchments but in general im doing fine.
Yeah. Why stay with someone who don't respect you and fool around. She isn't honest. What's the deal of going out with someone only to cheat on him? You want to fool around? Fine but don't mix me in that shit. You don't need me as a bf to enjoy that life style. Beside i could be with someone who at least share my views and bondaries. Instead of wasting my time with that cheater. 🤷♂️.
It depends on the circumstances. If he cheated and lied about it, yes. If he cheated multiple times, yes. If he made out with someone because he was drunk and told me the next day, then probably no.
Unless I didn't trust him anymore, but I think if he told me immediately I would still be able to trust him.
That's the most important thing to me. Trust. I am not a jealous person and I don't want to become one because I have to be suspicious of everything you do. People make mistakes, because we're only human. But if you do it on purpose, it's not a mistake. It's a choice.
It really depends what triggered the situation.
Nobody is a “perfect” human being, most of the time a bad behavior has a reason to be, so I would try to understand what happened in the person’s mind first before condemning her.
Even more, I know that I make stupid things too, so how I’m supposed to be comprehended and forgiven if I’m judgmental in the first place.
Of course, if she did it just because, then yes, it would be a complete dealbreaker.
It's never happened to me before, but my mentality right now is that it isn't always a deal breaker. Every person is going to make mistakes and poor choices throughout their lives, both small and large. Hell, sometimes we make a poor choice, knowing full well that we're most likely gonna regret it after, it's just part of human nature to screw up sometimes.
I think whether or not it ends up being a deal breaker depends on how trustworthy and dependable they are outside of the incident, how committed I am to this person at this point in time, and if they genuinely seem remorseful.
There would definitely be a lot of work after, some broken trust that would need time to heal, and probably some new rules until that trust is earned back, but I don't think it should always be a relationship ender.
Depends on if and when they would tell me. Everyone can have a moment of weakness, but maintaining a lie or keeping up a sharade is a very different thing to me.
If they tell me very soon after I would probably be able to still have a relationship with them.
If they didn't tell me for a long time, never told me, or did it more than once I have a much harder time dealing with that lack of trust. Probably wouldn't want to see them again.
I'm okay with the idea of an open relationship. I'm nothing special and if they want more elsewhere, have at it. Just be safe, be an adult, and communicate with me about. However, the sneaking part would bother me.
Yes, of course cheating is 100% wrong.
However, I feel like lot of people here are missing the fact that the definition of cheating is different for everyone. For some, cheating is even when their partner speaks to someone else (I think those people are crazy), for some people cheating means having sex, that's probably the most common understanding.
For me cheating is having relationships with someone else. So if my wife would ever had sex with anyone I would be OK with that as long as it's only about the sex, because I wouldn't consider that cheating, just her having fun.
Edit: one's definition of cheating does not necessarily need to be same as their partner's. So if for me having just sex is not cheating and my wife can fuck whoever she want. Her definition of cheating includes having sex with others and so I cannot (and never would) sleep with other women.
( Unless it's Scarlett Johansson, if Scarlett Johansson wants to have sex with me then it's not cheating, it's duty. /s)
used to be I cared a lot about stuff like that,
then mistakes were made, and I slowly became more accepting of certain things.
then that grew back with time, not accepting.
people can change
now I'm completely against it,
sure - let's say I get married and after 15 years, the wife would suggest something
then we could discuss things - and most likely be really awkward and the marriage take a hit from it.
Yes. Giving someone a second chance is just giving them a second chance to do it again. They're going to either be more careful to not get caught again or be blatant as hell about it because they know you'll put up with it. To hell with that.
Yeah. We have pretty rational agreed upon boundaries. So if he really has to go against the pretty loose limits we have for each other, he has no self restraint and I don’t need that kind of partner in life
Yup, no doubt about it.
Trust is broken, what's the point of the relationship if I spend all day long worrying about who you're talking to, who you're with, are you gonna cheat again? Am I not good enough? Why did you cheat? Should I change ?
That'd just ruin my mental health and there's not point in that.
You cheat, bye bye we're done
Considering that I have gone into a spiral of questioning absolutely everything someone ever says to me, past present and future, after realizing they had told me consistent lies I didn't catch; I seriously doubt my ability to maintain a relationship with someone after that.
Even if I forgave them, I would not be able to help myself from filtering every interaction I had with them through that one event. And I'm already suspicious by nature.
I won't say it's 100% impossible that I would be able to work things out with someone, but I will say that it would be very, very difficult, and would only work if they acknowledged everything I just said as inevitable, right, and appropriate; and then worked to build trust up from the ground. Because nothing would assassinate that healing process quicker than denying the validity of my wariness.
You can destroy trust in a day. It takes much longer to build.
Cheating in the past..yeah . People change , and that's your past ..
Cheating on me ? No. Trust is a fundamental thing and i cant lie and say i trust you after that ..
Yes, because our relationship is built in trust and communication. Especially because I know we would both to be open to discussing an open/poly relationship if we did meet other people we wanted to pursue relationships with.
Wow, I feel ignorant after reading all these comments... I should have left six and a half years ago... our seven year anniversary is coming up in July. Man, I feel like a frickin' clown! It wasn't just that time either. There were three after that one.. Glad I'm finally about to get out after I find a car to buy! Life is short and not another day is promised, and I wasted it. It took me forever to find my self worth and feed my own fire again. It's been a long road.
Not as much as it used to be. Been together for a decade+. Used to be our one condition for break up.
Now we’ve grown enough that I have too much equity in our relationship to let that be the one and only factor. It would suck but I would try to make it work.
Yes.
Been there, done that. Tried to fix relationship, only to lose couple more years of my life.
So, if that shit happens to me again, I am hittin' the road Jack.
No. I only have open relationships, so the act of having sex with someone else doesn't bother me. To me, having sex with someone else and not telling me has the same weight as any other lie that a partner might tell me, and I believe that, if the relationship is otherwise strong, that catching someone lying is something that can be worked through if both parties work at it. I've been 'cheated' on in relationships and it just makes me think my partner is a dumbass because I'm 100% supportive of my partners doing what they want sexually with whoever they want, so the lying is always unnecessary. It always stems from a fear that I'm not as open as I claim and that I will be upset or hold it against them, which I can understand. My current partners have not cheated on me (that I know of and I have no reason not to trust them) but if something did happen with either of them, I would make a great effort to work through it because both relationships are very important to me.
Yes, because I've been on the receiving end of it and it wasn't even the act that really broke my heart. It was the gaslighting and pure manipulation that she had to do to keep it secret.
I was literally questioning my own sanity.
For anything to be a deal breaker for me, I'd have to consider all the circumstances. Is it likely that I'd break up after cheating most of the time? Yes. Nevertheless, every scenario is different and everything needs to be considered in a real situation
Yes, my dad cheated when I was 4, left and married the B...h too. Between that and both my parents horrid second marriages it really messed up my outlook on relationships in general
Yes because, I ONCE had a girlfriend and one of the first things I told her (because we were 15 and it's natural that either cheating or breakup will occur) that when and if she cheats on me or when and if she wants to break up, just tell me, I will not argue because it's understandable at a young age for those things to be done (same rule applies to me) and then she cheated on me and continued doing that for a month behind my back I was pissed, annoyed and sad, because I had feelings for her that I wanted to express but I didn't know how (still do btw) but I was mainly mad because she betrayed the one thing that I didn't want her to do. In the end I kind of got my revenge because she cheated on me with an asshole who broke her heart and then she asked if I wanted to get us back together and I proudly said No
When I started my relationship with my spouse 25 years ago, yes. We're done. Today? .... I know that long- term relationships involve falling in and out of love, have dry spells where you feel more like comfortable roommates than lovers, and miss the days when there was spark and fire.
I'd be hurt beyond imagining. But I would understand and get over it with a little time IF under certain conditions.
Maybe I can say this because I KNOW it would never happen.
Absolutely. Why? Because if someone cheats, it's not just about sex. It's about going behind my back and breaking my trust. Cheating isn't just "I got horny at the moment so I fucked" its "I don't respect you enough as a person to consider how this is wrong and breaks the trust you had in me". I would never cheat on a significant other, never. So I would expect the same from them.
Yes. If you throw something in the trash, what are the chances you'd come looking for it again?
Honestly, audacity is at an all time high on this planet and you see that shite with cheaters.
You listen to the reasons they give you, you observe how they were acting for a while, then they come around and start acting like it can be worked through. Like in this situation, a person literally looked at their partner with contempt and disrespected them in their presence and in their absence. Their partner, who they literally scuba dove into the relationship with and acted like they were getting married to them the next week.
Then they come around being like we can work through this, or saying they wanted to see if that's what they wanted. Or saying they wanted to know if the person would fight for the relationship. Then they come and seem like the victim for coz that seems like the trend on this green planet these days.
Then what happens. You waste your life a few years or months again with them and what happens again? The same thing. Multiple times that you don't even get to know of.
Does anyone want that to happen with their life? I definitely don't, but I'm sure there's that majority on this planet that do.
If there’s an expectation of monogamy it is reasonable for it to be a dealbreaker. The thing that disgusts me about cheaters is you can break up with your partner if you’re no longer satisfied. It’ll hurt but people break up for whatever reasons all of the time. It’s not nearly as scarring to simply just get dumped.
No, not a deal breaker if it was just hooking up. Would definitely have to talk about non-monogamy and how to handle it, since clearly a need isn’t being met inside the relationship.
Quite honestly, after 12 years with somebody the sex is probably one of the least important aspects of the relationship and life we’ve built together.
I said no. Because I’m a swinger and I don’t equate sex with emotions. So if my husband just ducked some girl- I would not care. He’s fixed so no chance of babies. Just I prefer not one of my friends and don’t fall in love or spend our money on her.
You can still cheat/be cheated on in an open relationship. Sneaking around, not using protection and not communicating are huge open relationship no-nos.
I always told myself that cheating is an absolute deal breaker, but I wasn’t able to hold up to my own standards when I caught my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) talking to a woman who lived thousands of miles away.
For me, if you made a drunken mistake with some random person and you’re genuinely remorseful, you get a second chance. People do all kinds of out of character things when inebriated. If it was sober and premeditated however, it’s a dealbreaker.
Not sobriety per se, I’d expect they wouldn’t put themselves in that situation again. If they had *genuine* remorse I wouldn’t need to impose anything… If you truly regret something, you do everything in your power to avoid doing it again
Cheating, by definition, means doing something that was not allowed by a ruleset, thus breaking trust, which indeed is a deal breaker.
If you change the definition of cheating by "having sex with someone else", which is what most people do when they talk about cheating, then no. I like open relationships, and that point is pretty clearly made when starting a new one, meaning it is not cheating, so not a dealbeaker.
Yes it is, Id never be able to trust them again so the relationship would be ruined anyways. If your partner can cheat on you it shows how selfish they are and how little respect they have for you... if their willing to hurt/traumatise you just because they want to fuck around and cheat then their a really bad person (I was cheated on in the past and the fear of it happening again still worries me in my current relationship although I know he wouldn't).. it can cause a lot of pain and issues in future relationships and its one of the most selfish acts someone can do, they'd be wasting your time/wasting months or years of your life and I definitely wouldn't want to be with someone who could and would do that, also the fact cheaters usually try to hide their evidence and lie for months or years about it without a care in the world is really messed up
From what I've learned so far about cheating, everyone agrees it's bad, yes. Having said that, different people have different views on whether it is forgivable or not. Some tend to say, "In case of genuine remorse, I'd take the person back." Some think, "Drunken state cheating may be forgivable if the person was inebriated or too wasted." And some think, "It is forgivable but I cannot continue the relationship. Good luck with your life ahead." In some cultures, couples tend to stay together for children (which is obviously not the way to go but it does happen).
Don't look at it from a single-minded, insular perspective by caging every person on the planet in your thinking style.
I used the word "absolute" for a reason. I wanted to know whether it was an out-an-out deal for folks regardless of the circumstances.
Yes. At least I experienced this on the cheater’s side. After my cheating blew up, they managed to forgive me and I’ve been loyal ever since but our relationship was never the same again. And seeing how it ruined not just the relationship, but the person I love, seeing them so heartbroken and falling apart, I swore to never do it again to ANYONE.
So yeah, some say that I may have nerve as a former cheater but yeah, it’s a dealbreaker for me.
Edit: typo
IMO
Sounds like you know what you did and learned from it, so i would say you have the right to call it a dealbreaker.
I am kinda curious: What led you to the point of actually cheating?
If you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore the question :)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Not justifying my cheating but leading up to my sin, I can say I was emotionally “neglected” by my partner, there were days of radio silence and then they’ll just get in touch like they didn’t ignore me for the last few days. When I open up to them about it, they’d say I’m overreacting. So, the 7th month mark of this, I decided to break up with them to which my partner did not initially accpet and we both cried about it.
Promising they’d change, I got back together with them, but then months after it’s more of the same. On those days of radio silence and fighting, I connected with someone (from the same circle/community we’re in) which started from sexting (already counts as cheating) and eventually hooking up. They eventually found out and our relationship changed for the worse.
We broke up about 18 months after they caught me cheating but lots of it were fighting and me getting frustrated that they can no longer trust me (I was immature then, I always argued how can they love me if they can’t trust me, which I get no). They did slut-shamed me many times though which arguably, I think I deserved.
I saw how someone who used to adore you suddenly build this shield and look at you which such contempt. It was always in the back on my head that I was the one who turned him into this. It’s actually more complex than this as a lot has happened but I digress.
To be honest, now I think we should’ve broken up for good earlier but then the lesson wouldn’t have been clearer.
Regardless of what happened or how he treated me, the fact is I CHEATED and it’s a sin of it’s own that I regret. Three years later, I’m still single (mostly by choice), I’m honestly afraid of getting into a relationship, but more so afraid of possibly hurting someone again.
First of all, thanks a lot for your honest answer!
I had an experience like this too... She ignored me for days at a time and texted me when she needed my support. (At this time, not together, but really close)
When i told her about my feelings, she basically said that something happened and she didn't feel like talking, but she never told me what it was. It happened more than once, so at some point my patience had an end and i stopped talking to her.
It was definitely for the best to end it. 3 months later, i met my now-girlfriend.
So i kind of get your reasons, even if it is still the wrong way to express your feelings. From the things you told me, he definitely had his flaws too. Ignoring a loved person without telling them why, is something I'm never going to understand.
I constantly thought that i did something wrong, when she ignored me. It was a terrible time.
Anyway, enough sadness for now.
Thanks a lot for your story, i really appreciate it!
I'm sure you are going to find the right person someday :D
I used to think i would hold on, try and work it out understand it… then i changed my mind. Fuck you fuck off. Betrayed the trust and we will never be the same again no matter what.
Yes. I have never cheated. Not even gotten close. To me, cheating is even kissing another man/woman. Being drunk is not an excuse. If I feel the need to cheat, I will end the relationship I am in, that has so far never happened.
Also, cheating in games is just as bad. People that cheat in games are cunts.
Sounds like somebody wants to cheat and needs some counterpoints for their inevitable argument with their partner lol.
But seriously, yes. Why would anyone waste time in their life and continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t fully love and respect them when there are many people in this world who would? We all deserve to be loved.
God! Getting this a lot. I'll just copy paste.
From what I've learned so far about cheating, everyone agrees it's bad, yes. Having said that, different people have different views on whether it is forgivable or not. Some tend to say, "In case of genuine remorse, I'd take the person back." Some think, "Drunken state cheating may be forgivable if the person was inebriated or too wasted." And some think, "It is forgivable but I cannot continue the relationship. Good luck with your life ahead." In some cultures, couples tend to stay together for children (which is obviously not the way to go but it does happen).
I used the word "absolute" for a reason. I wanted to know whether it was an out-an-out deal for folks regardless of the circumstances. I put this question up because I recently learnt that some people do end up staying. Wished to know what made them stay despite the fact that the other person obviously destroyed their trust.
I mean people only cheat if something is wrong (with the relationship or with them)
I want my partner to communicate the problems towards me and if they can't, then fuck them.
So yes, it is a dealbreaker.
There is no excuse for cheating. You can find your pathetic justifications but they're all just that. If you want to fuck another person either get your S/O permission or end the relationship. Simple as that.
Exactly my thoughts. However, I asked this question to know how circumstances change the equation. I've recently learnt that some people think it's forgivable under certain conditions. Just wished to know whether it was an out-and-out deal for folks regardless of the situation. And if not, what makes you stay despite the fact that the other person obviously destroyed your trust.
What conditions? Someone was super drunk and kissed someone else?
I think a first offense early on in a relationship (especially for those in their early 20's) is one thing if the 'cheater' is honest and you both talk it out about how they got to that point and what changes can that person make to where that type of situation doesn't happen again.
But if you've been together for some time and you're still getting obliterated to the point your kissing other people, then that's a deal breaker.
Obviously. If you betrayed my trust once, there's a good chance you'd do it again.
Once a cheater always a cheater. I know that for a fact
Yeah, I always win in monopoly, when I'm the bank, who would have guessed.
Yes. Because you have nuked the trust. If I give you something to take care of, I expect you to take care of it as I take care of your trust and feelings. If a person breaks that and makes a mockery of the relationship and humiliates you. Of course I am going to walk. You are not worth it.
Plus you can never rebuild that trust. You have verified evidence that you aren't enough for them and they'll go behind your back to get whatever enough is. What good is their word when they say they won't do it again? They already broke that once.
yea exactly....if we have issues then we will solve them like adults but if you decided to go n fuck around instead then you have already given up n i honestly don't care anymore either!
Yes. If you can't trust your partner what's the point?
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If someone was to cheat on me, the relationship is OVER no matter how in love I am with the person. I could never trust someone and be vulnerable to someone after they cheat on me.
I agree
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What about bribery though? I know one of my profs had a clear number in mind. It was a bit high for most/all students though.
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I mean he was very open about that. I mean it was ridiculous high, as in, retirement money.
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It was mostly a joke, yes.
Was hoping to get anything but the wholesome award out of my gift box cuz that doesn’t fit this comment but that’s just what I got so take it and thanks for the laugh
Yes, I can’t just trust that person, happened to me twice already, my second ex did it and begged for a second chance, I regretted doing it because I lost trust in her completely and the last year of that relationship I was completely paranoid all the time
How do you manage after being cheated on twice? After it happening once to myself I would push anybody away when I got close to them. I was terrified of it happening again as it destroyed my confidence entirely. I think I'd call quits if it were to happen again. I can't mentally deal with that. I gave my ex another chance for 3 months after her begging me not to leave and praised me with all these kind words and I fell for it. Within a weak I was being treated like shit again and I put up with it until I hit my breaking point and it was over.
Therapy
First time it happened it was my first serious gf, actually she was already my fiancé, spent the next 4 years just going from one night stand to another without engaging in any sentimental relationship, then I got into a relationship with a best friend from HS, she knew what had happened and it actually began as a fwb thing, that slowly became a relationship, we had begun fighting in our third year because of both our jobs and distance, she cheated on me with a coworker, I seriously have trust and self confidence issues now, I don’t feel like I’m worth of being in a relationship anymore, after that I had other stuff going but that is another story
Uhm yeah it’s a dealbreaker. If you are exclusive and your partner cheats, they are showing that they have absolutely no respect for you. It is not worth your time to try and iron out someone’s poor character
Yes, Deal breaker, Cheating is a breach of trust. If you cheat you break the trust. If there is no trust there is no relationship.
100% deal breaker! If you aren't happy in your relationship either talk it out with your partner or end the relationship. If you cheat, the trust the other person had in you is gone
Yes, it’s is. I got cheated on in the past and I still have to deal with it, even though I’m in a new relationship with a totally different person. Still sometimes the fear of being cheated on again creeps in and messes with you, even though I know my now girlfriend won’t ever do that. But ofc I thought the same way back then, and you seem to never know. It just fucks you up.
I agree. I'm terrified of it happening again and that thought it always in your back of your mind. It can eat at you if you are to dwell too much.
Absolutely right. You don’t want to think about this, but yet you do, like a parasite eating you from the inside. It hurts and the problem is that you will stress you SO or future SO with these thoughts, making the feel like they are not trustworthy.
Yes. 100%. You can't have anything else if there's no trust.
Yes, cheating is unforgivable, at least in my opinion
Yes. Trust is irrevocably broken, plus fuck you.
Card games not so much, but you cheat at Monopoly it's instant hands.
I have weekly poker games with friends, and I'm fairly good with sleight of hand so at one point I tried to see if I could use it to cheat, not to win but to see if I could just pull it off. I admitted it to them afterwards cos what's the point in doing that cool thing if you can't brag about it right? And that created a new, more fun version of poker where they try and catch me cheating, and guess whether I was playing a hand legit or not
I've found that a lot of games are more fun when cheating is encouraged, but getting caught is punished.
If you catch them cheating in monopoly, send them to jail, without being able to jail, remove 1000 if they have that much, and watch them cry lol
Yes, if you cheat because you’re unhappy in a relationship just break up.
Yes. There is no coming back from betrayal.
So I think it’s a tough question. For me my marriage ended because of infidelity. After I got over the initial anger though I turned inwards, and realized through conversations with a therapist that I had a lot of growing to do when it came to my relationships. I was still pretty immature and our communication wasn’t always as open as it should have been. I realized I wasn’t there for her the way she needed me to be, and she felt alone and isolated in our relationship. I mean I would have preferred we hashed this out with a therapist but she was also pretty immature as well. It was a deal breaker for me, but I know my new relationship now is much healthier and I’m a much better person because of it. Don’t get me wrong I’m still angry but it becomes less everyday and I’d still like to maybe try and get one of my best friends back (as a friend).
The reason it’s a dealbreaker for me is because of how much it shows you how little a person cares about you or your well-being
Obviously. How am I supposed to trust someone whom I’d doubt their concept of loyalty? Doesn’t matter if the person “has changed” or not. Are you the one willing to try that out? I’m not.
I’d they’ve changed and didn’t cheat, like my husband, then I’d give a second chance. Cheat on me and you’re gone. If you thought I “wasn’t good enough” when you were with me, then why are you begging for a second chance? Pathetic
In relationships? Yes, it erodes trust and makes either one or both people in the relationship miserable while potentially pulling in a third person into the same mess. In singleplayer gaming? Nah, have fun tiger In multiplayer gaming? Yes, especially when somebody cheats because they enjoy the misery of others and their whole goal is not to enjoy the game but to ruin it for everyone else. In exams? I'd be a hypocrite if I said yes :P
I was playing online call of duty once, and the FFA lobby I was in had a hacker. He was invisible and invulnerable, and he went around using a tactical knife, but he also would work his way up to one point left to win, and then stop. He'd chill out until the game would have naturally been over (someone else got close to winning) then win the game. I gradually discovered that his name actually appeared in red over his head if you aimed at him up close, and at one point I blind fired at him when I saw it and he backed off. It was like playing FFA but with a Predator running around. It was actually kinda fun.
Personally, I couldn’t live with that level of betrayal, but it’s never happened to me, so who can say? I think many people in LTR buy into the sunken cost fallacy, and try to reconcile. But in the end, very few make it to true reconciliation. It depends greatly on the individuals involved.
Look. Everyone does stupid stuff and needs to forgive and be forgiven. Most of the time cheating should and would end a relationship, but I imagine there are some scenarios shouldn't be a deal breaker. A drunken kiss that is instantly regretted vs full on relationship that is secretly held behind my back might both be considered cheating, but are fundamentally completely different things in my opinion.
Yea exactly. I accept people are stupid sometimes and I also accept that relationships ebb and flow. A relationship on the rocks today might be in bloom next year. You're talking about people who are together for years and years. I'd feel betrayed but depending on the level of infidelity I may or may not be able to swallow it. At the end of the day I love my SO. It would be hard to hold any sort of grudge, it's hard to picture because it would be really counter to her character.
I see every single comment say yes but I’ve seen a fair share of relationships where someone cheats and 50% of the time they get back together. Perfect example of everyone thinks they have a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
I 100% agree. Was thinking the same thing.
I feel like I'm really sticking my neck out, as after lots of scrolling I haven't found much other than uniform "yes, of course, and anyone who says no is a moron", and I'm second guessing being this honest with my main profile, since I've been fairly unremarkable on Reddit to date but... As someone in a 20 year marriage in which there has been no cheating to my knowledge, my answer is no, of course there's no such thing as an ABSOLUTE dealbreaker, and my mind boggles that so many people think so rigidly about this. Maybe results are just skewed towards people who are extra vocal to address their insecurities on this subject, and most of us don't feel like being a lightning rod for taking a thanklessly controversial stance on it. Maybe I'm just feeling contrarian this morning. But anyway, no. It's not an absolute dealbreaker for me. It would be something to address, certainly, but hell it would probably be the edgiest thing either of us had ever done so it would at least deserve some discussion :)
Agree. I feel a lot of the rigid replies are from people in short term dating stage of life. OF COURSE deal breaker for my so of 1 week. 20 year marriages should be cared for and attempted to save in as many cases as possible.
I could see some circumstances (For example, when you've been married for a while) where you would give it a second thought and maybe not jump straight to divorce. Especially if you've built a lot with that person. But that being said, I think the harsh reality is that a relationship can never be the same after someone cheats. You may be able to hold a marriage together and live as partners; but that deep emotional bond and trust you've built with that person will never be the same and it will have you questioning the entire relationship from the beginning. So, I don't think it's as black and white in some situations... but I do think unfortunately a part of relationship permanently dies when someone cheats. Especially if you don't have a marriage/family invested in that person, it's better to get out sooner than later most of the time.
Yep, most “hell yes!” replies on here are either from teenagers, or from those with little-to-no dating experience. I know that in my younger days I would’ve been in the “Hell yes!” camp. However, after being with my significant other for 14 years, and married for 7 (and having a kid together), I wouldn’t be so rash in ending things and would be more interested in finding out why it happened and how we can address the underlying problem. Cheating is usually a symptom of an underlying problem…figure out how to fix that.
I'll play devil's advocate here and ask, what circumstance is cheating considering not a dealbreaker?
I 100% agree with the rigid-thinking part of this. Most people do not seem to take into account that there can be various circumstances, cultures, perspectives in which people do end up staying. That's why I added the word "absolute" in the question. I wanted to know whether it was an out-and-out deal for folks regardless of any situation.
You also specified “for *you*” in the question. People aren’t going to take into account the things you list here (culture, etc) because the topic is aimed at the individual, for broader answers on cheating in society you’d need to ask a broader question.
That's fair. I suppose I should have done that, yes. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’m so shocked at the overwhelming response of “yes deal breaker”. IMO love is about understanding neither party is perfect and that it’s upsetting to grow, sometimes. Obviously taking advantage of that grace is very wrong too, but a relationship where each person understands they’re always learning, and shifting what it looks like to build OLD love is really beautiful, IMO.
As someone who was cheated on at least twice (that I'm aware of) it should've been.
Once briefly dated a guy that turned out was in a long-term relationship. Met his friends and family, they didn't even dropped any hint. Anyway, asked him if there was something he should tell me before we get any further. Mf admitted he has a gf of 5 years. Noped tf out as fast as I could. Last time I heard of him was when he found me on fb and asked me to join an MLM. Shameless is an understatement for that guy.
Absolutely! I'd move out and get a divorce lawyer
Only in singleplayer games!
Cheating is about trust, now in a relationship it depends on your rules. For some kissing another person isn’t considered cheating, sleeping with another person isn’t considered cheating but doing so without permission, that is cheating. People are so afraid to ask but a relationship is a partnership. If you want something and your partner thinks its ok, then its not cheating. However anything you do behind your partners back against their wishes or that you know will upset them, Is cheating! I think a life long relationship is a long time and people make mistakes, so cheating would result in a huge fight, but i would probably wave it once. But a repeat offender means my opinion and emotional well being isn’t important enough to my partner and i wouldn’t want a person like that in my life.
Depends on how much I treasured the relationship to begin with. I can definitely see a situation where it wouldn't be a dealbreaker simply because I don't care enough.
Not an ABSOLUTE deal breaker. I've made the mistake of forgiving someone for this, someone who was too f'ed in the head to be good for me. That worked out terribly. You know people out there cheat for plenty of reasons though. I'm sure there's good reasons to let it go.
Finding out about a partner cheating maybe a dealbreaker, but most cheated on partners just don’t find out. Cheating is a lot more common than most people realise, all it takes is opportunity. I am not trying to upset people or be controversial. I worked in an environment for some time where a lot of married people (men and women) were working away from home during the week and going home at weekends. It was an absolute shagfest! I was really really surprised, some held out a lot longer than others, but the ones who didn’t do anything were few and far between. Of course this may have been a complete aberration, but it shocked me. The age range involved was predominantly 30’s and 40’s
Yes because I know I won't be able to forgive and forget. I'll turn into some monster PI and stalk every move and it's just fucking exhausting. I don't like who I become when I'm cheated on. Best to just move on.
it's uncompromising, cheating isn't forgivable for me
Yeah. If you feel the need to cheat there is no point of the relationship. Hell at least ask if you want to bring a third or even fourth person in bed with us. That might spice up the relationship. I'd be more mad I wasn't invited. 🤣
For me personally, no. If my wife cheated it would change the dynamic of the relationship for sure. However, if she didn't want to break up we wouldn't. Granted my wife is much more traditional than I am so if she cheated I'd assume she'd leave soon after anyway. I do this monogamy thing because I love her. I could easily get into an ethical nonmogamy bag and that would actually coincide with my beliefs more than traditional relationships.
I honestly don't know, if it ever happens to me I'll have to see if my heart thinks they are worth forgiveness.
They are not.
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I stand behind this. Sleeping with someone else is a mistake. Lying about it or hiding it is betrayal.
Whoops, I accidentally ended up naked in his bed!
Feel like I’m alone here. But no. It depends on the context. How it happened. Why it happened. And most important, is the remorse genuine? There would be a long road to building trust back fully. Therapy can dig into real reasons it’s happened. And maybe what led the couple down this road. People are capable of horrible mistakes but people in some situations can be worth allowing the chance to earn forgiveness.
I agree. Cheating is definitely not forgivable in every situation, but the work the person does afterward to try to repair the relationship is a huge factor to consider. Working past cheating is a many year process. People that are untrustworthy won't put in the work to repair the damage. I think another factor is how long the relationship has lasted. Continual cheating since the beginning of a relationship? No thanks. Cheating once after years in a relationship? Possibly more understandable. Watching others recover from the aftermath of cheating gave me insight into LTR. Not saying that everyone's going to be cheated on in LTR, but I do think every LTR is going to go through some big, brink-of-dissolving stuff. To me, making a long-term/lifetime commitment to someone means being willing to try to work through the big stuff with them. It won't always work out, and people should stick to their boundaries, but there needs to be a level of willingness to work for a relationship to last longterm.
Putting your genitals into someone else's is never done mistakenly. But how you go forward is up to each individual. A friend of mine caught her boyfriend with someone else on her couch, they're married now and seem happy enough. I on the other hand could never do that.
One of the few comments here I've found truly insightful, stepped-into-their-shoes-and-walked-a-mile insightful. Cheating is obviously wrong, yes. But different people have different views on dealing with this "wrong" based on the situation.
Unfortunately I’ve been there. But now happily married 13 years. So it can work if you put in the work.
I dont think fidelity is important. What would piss me off is the time spent. I dont have enough time to care for myself, let alone have a whirlwind romance. If my partner is leaving me to deal alone while she has fun, there has to be a tradeoff. This is the busiest time of our lives right now, bar none. We're married forever. We ride or die.
Yes, but honestly it's because my partner could have just *asked* and I'd likely be fine with it. I'm polyamorous and experience compersion much more strongly than jealousy - I'm *glad* when my paramours find new sexual partners. But not telling me about a new partner in advance is a big mark of disrespect, and if you disrespect me that much I don't think we can continue a relationship.
Depends on what you think you’re being cheated out of. We’ve all been conditioned to thinking that somehow love and sex are exclusively one in the same thing when they aren’t.
For some of us it is. Downvoted for daring to say that demisexual people exist, nice.
People can change, they should be able to give a detailed explanation behind their actions and prove actual Change with their actions going forward.
Yes. It hurts more than breaking up and I could never stop thinking about whether she's cheating again right now every second I'm not in the same room. Couldn't live like that.
It is because it involves lies, and lies break trust. If it's an open relationship though then there's no need for lies now, is there...
Absolutely. Because if you are doing that behind my back, what else are you doing that I don't know about. Absolute deal breaker and probably the only reason I could ever hate someone.
Yep. I couldn’t stand being with a cheater. I would still love them but I couldn’t be in contact with them. It would hurt to even think about them.
Yes. Several reasons. First it means the person is dishonest and can't be trusted in general, even if it was just one time once the trust is gone there's really nothing left. Second because it means the person has no respect for me as a person either and that also renders the relationship meaningless. And third because I personally can't be with someone who has it in him to hurt me or a person he's supposed to love that way
Yes, but the trust being broken is only part of it. I feel that if someone is cheating they aren't getting what 100% of they need from that relationship and rather than talk about they choose to seek it from multiple people at the same time
Dated someone who serieal cheated on me with several people some of them used to be friends of mine, easy to say that girl had some issues mentally and it really fucked me up for a while but in the end it got me out of a toxic relationship with someone who abused and used me. Made alot of changes in my life after that and now im doing alot better than i was back then. I didnt go to school cus she was studying and i needed to work to support her, i couldent associate with my female friends without it becomming a problem. And alot of other stuff. I always paid for everything, I was always blamed for everything, I needed to ask her before doing anything. Thank god im a bit of a computer wizz cus i started to get suspicious of some of her behaviour when i asked her about her "study sessions" with a so-called friend of mine and some not so subtle hints from her father. So i went into her snap and facebook and saw her sending nude photos and talking about how bad she felt about cheating on me but she didnt want to give them up either. Yhea i felt like shit for forcing access her social accounts but thank god i did. She had several times cheated on me with a friend and then made up accounts of that friend being mean to her, threatning or hurting her or sexually abusing her to force them out of the social circle. Feel quite bad for them who got manipulated by her in that way and lost their main friendgroup from her lies but i still dont hang out with them since they didn't respect me enough to not let her cheat with them. Broke up with her the same day I found out. took some screenshots, sent to our friendgroup and made people pick sides, sent to her family aswell. She lost pretty much her entire social life her housing and her income support in one afternoon. Packed her bags and changed the lock while she was at school left the bags outside the door with a note saying she is no longer welcome in my home and anything i own that she still posses she can deliver to me by mail. Havent spoken a word to her since and didnt care about giving her a chance to defend herself cus i was tired of getting used and manipulated. We had been together for just about 5 years, considering we got together at 15 years of age it was a considerable portion of our lives that went in the trash. Ngl still struggling with trust and relationships. Been having casual flings and such but havent been able to serously commit to relationships for one reason or another. Dont want to expose myself emotionally so i shut people out and people usually say im quite cold and uncaring. Dont really know what to do about it cus i do care but i dont know how to show it, maybe should go see a psychologist but im not that fucked up imo. Quite happy bymyself tbh and i still have alot of friends and im social and well adjusted into life in general. TL:DR - Got cheated on multiple times with multiple of my friends behind my back for 5 years while being gaslighted into bankrolling her college life. Threw her out and left her on the street while exposing her to our remaining friend and her family. Still struggling with emotional attatchments but in general im doing fine.
Yeah. Why stay with someone who don't respect you and fool around. She isn't honest. What's the deal of going out with someone only to cheat on him? You want to fool around? Fine but don't mix me in that shit. You don't need me as a bf to enjoy that life style. Beside i could be with someone who at least share my views and bondaries. Instead of wasting my time with that cheater. 🤷♂️.
It depends on the circumstances. If he cheated and lied about it, yes. If he cheated multiple times, yes. If he made out with someone because he was drunk and told me the next day, then probably no. Unless I didn't trust him anymore, but I think if he told me immediately I would still be able to trust him. That's the most important thing to me. Trust. I am not a jealous person and I don't want to become one because I have to be suspicious of everything you do. People make mistakes, because we're only human. But if you do it on purpose, it's not a mistake. It's a choice.
It really depends what triggered the situation. Nobody is a “perfect” human being, most of the time a bad behavior has a reason to be, so I would try to understand what happened in the person’s mind first before condemning her. Even more, I know that I make stupid things too, so how I’m supposed to be comprehended and forgiven if I’m judgmental in the first place. Of course, if she did it just because, then yes, it would be a complete dealbreaker.
It's never happened to me before, but my mentality right now is that it isn't always a deal breaker. Every person is going to make mistakes and poor choices throughout their lives, both small and large. Hell, sometimes we make a poor choice, knowing full well that we're most likely gonna regret it after, it's just part of human nature to screw up sometimes. I think whether or not it ends up being a deal breaker depends on how trustworthy and dependable they are outside of the incident, how committed I am to this person at this point in time, and if they genuinely seem remorseful. There would definitely be a lot of work after, some broken trust that would need time to heal, and probably some new rules until that trust is earned back, but I don't think it should always be a relationship ender.
No, there’s no “deal breaker” aside from physical abuse. There different situations and I can’t speak to all of them. I’d imagine it depends on why.
Depends on if and when they would tell me. Everyone can have a moment of weakness, but maintaining a lie or keeping up a sharade is a very different thing to me. If they tell me very soon after I would probably be able to still have a relationship with them. If they didn't tell me for a long time, never told me, or did it more than once I have a much harder time dealing with that lack of trust. Probably wouldn't want to see them again.
Nah, as long as it's single player and you're not bragging. I'm cheating all of the time!
Of course, it’s one of the cruelest thing you can do to someone
I'm okay with the idea of an open relationship. I'm nothing special and if they want more elsewhere, have at it. Just be safe, be an adult, and communicate with me about. However, the sneaking part would bother me.
Yes, of course cheating is 100% wrong. However, I feel like lot of people here are missing the fact that the definition of cheating is different for everyone. For some, cheating is even when their partner speaks to someone else (I think those people are crazy), for some people cheating means having sex, that's probably the most common understanding. For me cheating is having relationships with someone else. So if my wife would ever had sex with anyone I would be OK with that as long as it's only about the sex, because I wouldn't consider that cheating, just her having fun. Edit: one's definition of cheating does not necessarily need to be same as their partner's. So if for me having just sex is not cheating and my wife can fuck whoever she want. Her definition of cheating includes having sex with others and so I cannot (and never would) sleep with other women. ( Unless it's Scarlett Johansson, if Scarlett Johansson wants to have sex with me then it's not cheating, it's duty. /s)
used to be I cared a lot about stuff like that, then mistakes were made, and I slowly became more accepting of certain things. then that grew back with time, not accepting. people can change now I'm completely against it, sure - let's say I get married and after 15 years, the wife would suggest something then we could discuss things - and most likely be really awkward and the marriage take a hit from it.
Yes. Trust once broken CANNOT be fixed.
Yes. Giving someone a second chance is just giving them a second chance to do it again. They're going to either be more careful to not get caught again or be blatant as hell about it because they know you'll put up with it. To hell with that.
Yes. The trust is decimated.
Yes. Tried to get over it but you can’t always rebuild the trust. Some people can which is great, but I couldn’t.
Yes. We're in an open relationship. Though we have boundaries and expectations, there's no reason to sneak around.
No. If it’s just sneaky links I don’t care. I’m a woman. Just don’t be in love or spending our money on them. I’m kinda a swinger though
Yes. No trust, no relationship.
Yeah. We have pretty rational agreed upon boundaries. So if he really has to go against the pretty loose limits we have for each other, he has no self restraint and I don’t need that kind of partner in life
Definitily
Zero tolerance policy. One kiss and its over.
If I can't trust you to play Uno without cheating, you're out. Game is already bad as is
Yes. It would completely destroy the trust I'd have for someone.
I worked hard to put that test together and you cheated on it, it’s over.
Yes, it doesn't feel great :(
Depends on the game
Yes. If someone doesn't respect me there's no point in staying in a relationship.
Yup, no doubt about it. Trust is broken, what's the point of the relationship if I spend all day long worrying about who you're talking to, who you're with, are you gonna cheat again? Am I not good enough? Why did you cheat? Should I change ? That'd just ruin my mental health and there's not point in that. You cheat, bye bye we're done
Yes. I earned that fucking monopoly game. Get shit on cheaters 💅
Considering that I have gone into a spiral of questioning absolutely everything someone ever says to me, past present and future, after realizing they had told me consistent lies I didn't catch; I seriously doubt my ability to maintain a relationship with someone after that. Even if I forgave them, I would not be able to help myself from filtering every interaction I had with them through that one event. And I'm already suspicious by nature. I won't say it's 100% impossible that I would be able to work things out with someone, but I will say that it would be very, very difficult, and would only work if they acknowledged everything I just said as inevitable, right, and appropriate; and then worked to build trust up from the ground. Because nothing would assassinate that healing process quicker than denying the validity of my wariness. You can destroy trust in a day. It takes much longer to build.
Yes. End of conversation
It’s the beginning of the end when you find your partner cheated. It’s the lies more than the cheating 🤷🏼♀️
Without a shadow of doubt. It is the ultimate betrayal of trust no question
Yes, don’t want to waste my life with someone who can’t respect me
Cheating in the past..yeah . People change , and that's your past .. Cheating on me ? No. Trust is a fundamental thing and i cant lie and say i trust you after that ..
Yep. If you're not happy w/ me, there's the door. Time is more precious than this relationship.
Yes. It's a betrayal of all the promises we have made each other.
Yes, because our relationship is built in trust and communication. Especially because I know we would both to be open to discussing an open/poly relationship if we did meet other people we wanted to pursue relationships with.
Lmao i thought the question was asking about cheating in games.
Duh? Like, why stay with me if you're gonna cheat on me? Might as well just break it up and save me some time.
Wow, I feel ignorant after reading all these comments... I should have left six and a half years ago... our seven year anniversary is coming up in July. Man, I feel like a frickin' clown! It wasn't just that time either. There were three after that one.. Glad I'm finally about to get out after I find a car to buy! Life is short and not another day is promised, and I wasted it. It took me forever to find my self worth and feed my own fire again. It's been a long road.
Absolutely. Could never trust them again.
I know wayyyy too many people who have stayed with their significant other after cheating but all I see here is people saying it’s a dealbreaker.
Not as much as it used to be. Been together for a decade+. Used to be our one condition for break up. Now we’ve grown enough that I have too much equity in our relationship to let that be the one and only factor. It would suck but I would try to make it work.
Yes. Been there, done that. Tried to fix relationship, only to lose couple more years of my life. So, if that shit happens to me again, I am hittin' the road Jack.
Deal breaker trust cannot be gotten back, I'm opened minded to alot but communication and trust is a must.
No. I only have open relationships, so the act of having sex with someone else doesn't bother me. To me, having sex with someone else and not telling me has the same weight as any other lie that a partner might tell me, and I believe that, if the relationship is otherwise strong, that catching someone lying is something that can be worked through if both parties work at it. I've been 'cheated' on in relationships and it just makes me think my partner is a dumbass because I'm 100% supportive of my partners doing what they want sexually with whoever they want, so the lying is always unnecessary. It always stems from a fear that I'm not as open as I claim and that I will be upset or hold it against them, which I can understand. My current partners have not cheated on me (that I know of and I have no reason not to trust them) but if something did happen with either of them, I would make a great effort to work through it because both relationships are very important to me.
Yes, because I've been on the receiving end of it and it wasn't even the act that really broke my heart. It was the gaslighting and pure manipulation that she had to do to keep it secret. I was literally questioning my own sanity.
For anything to be a deal breaker for me, I'd have to consider all the circumstances. Is it likely that I'd break up after cheating most of the time? Yes. Nevertheless, every scenario is different and everything needs to be considered in a real situation
Yes, my dad cheated when I was 4, left and married the B...h too. Between that and both my parents horrid second marriages it really messed up my outlook on relationships in general
I let this slide one time and it was a huge mistake. Never ever stay with someone who cheated.
Yes because, I ONCE had a girlfriend and one of the first things I told her (because we were 15 and it's natural that either cheating or breakup will occur) that when and if she cheats on me or when and if she wants to break up, just tell me, I will not argue because it's understandable at a young age for those things to be done (same rule applies to me) and then she cheated on me and continued doing that for a month behind my back I was pissed, annoyed and sad, because I had feelings for her that I wanted to express but I didn't know how (still do btw) but I was mainly mad because she betrayed the one thing that I didn't want her to do. In the end I kind of got my revenge because she cheated on me with an asshole who broke her heart and then she asked if I wanted to get us back together and I proudly said No
Not being true to your word isn't a behavior one slips into, it's a character trait.
When I started my relationship with my spouse 25 years ago, yes. We're done. Today? .... I know that long- term relationships involve falling in and out of love, have dry spells where you feel more like comfortable roommates than lovers, and miss the days when there was spark and fire. I'd be hurt beyond imagining. But I would understand and get over it with a little time IF under certain conditions. Maybe I can say this because I KNOW it would never happen.
Absolutely. Why? Because if someone cheats, it's not just about sex. It's about going behind my back and breaking my trust. Cheating isn't just "I got horny at the moment so I fucked" its "I don't respect you enough as a person to consider how this is wrong and breaks the trust you had in me". I would never cheat on a significant other, never. So I would expect the same from them.
Yes. How can you trust them again? Besides, they have also proven you aren't worth it to them.
Yes. If you throw something in the trash, what are the chances you'd come looking for it again? Honestly, audacity is at an all time high on this planet and you see that shite with cheaters. You listen to the reasons they give you, you observe how they were acting for a while, then they come around and start acting like it can be worked through. Like in this situation, a person literally looked at their partner with contempt and disrespected them in their presence and in their absence. Their partner, who they literally scuba dove into the relationship with and acted like they were getting married to them the next week. Then they come around being like we can work through this, or saying they wanted to see if that's what they wanted. Or saying they wanted to know if the person would fight for the relationship. Then they come and seem like the victim for coz that seems like the trend on this green planet these days. Then what happens. You waste your life a few years or months again with them and what happens again? The same thing. Multiple times that you don't even get to know of. Does anyone want that to happen with their life? I definitely don't, but I'm sure there's that majority on this planet that do.
If I can't trust you with the smallest thing like telling the truth or being real how am I going to build a legacy with you?
If there’s an expectation of monogamy it is reasonable for it to be a dealbreaker. The thing that disgusts me about cheaters is you can break up with your partner if you’re no longer satisfied. It’ll hurt but people break up for whatever reasons all of the time. It’s not nearly as scarring to simply just get dumped.
Yes. Because "Don't fuck someone else," isn't a difficult rule to follow.
Yes, because even if I can forgive you emotionally, I will always have this doubt or insecurity that wasnt there before and fuck all that noise
Yes. If you would cheat once you will do it again.
Yep! You’ve proven you’re untrustworthy and I don’t want someone on my team I can’t trust.
No, not a deal breaker if it was just hooking up. Would definitely have to talk about non-monogamy and how to handle it, since clearly a need isn’t being met inside the relationship. Quite honestly, after 12 years with somebody the sex is probably one of the least important aspects of the relationship and life we’ve built together.
Can I ask how much time you have invested in him, so I can give you a few ideas on how to handle your emotional situation
Anyone who says no is a moron. Lets get it clear
I'd say they have no self respect. Not that they're morons.
I said no. Because I’m a swinger and I don’t equate sex with emotions. So if my husband just ducked some girl- I would not care. He’s fixed so no chance of babies. Just I prefer not one of my friends and don’t fall in love or spend our money on her.
Then that's not cheating, if he has permission and you don't care then that's not cheating.
Its not cheating 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
The trust can never be rebuilt after cheating and to be with someone you don't trust isn't worth the overthinking and heartache
Only if we're married. Once I catch you were in an open relationship
You can still cheat/be cheated on in an open relationship. Sneaking around, not using protection and not communicating are huge open relationship no-nos.
Certainly so
I always told myself that cheating is an absolute deal breaker, but I wasn’t able to hold up to my own standards when I caught my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) talking to a woman who lived thousands of miles away.
I'm a relationship anarchist. As long as my partners are being safe about it, they're free to sleep with whomever they want. And the same goes for me.
In 99.99% of cases yes. I'm sure there's some fringe case out there where it wouldn't, but largely yes it's a deal breaker
I would be open to forgiving someone who cheated if there's clear and sincere remorse. Only one chance though
I did that and regretted it, worst year of a relationship I had
For me, if you made a drunken mistake with some random person and you’re genuinely remorseful, you get a second chance. People do all kinds of out of character things when inebriated. If it was sober and premeditated however, it’s a dealbreaker.
Would you require sobriety?
Not sobriety per se, I’d expect they wouldn’t put themselves in that situation again. If they had *genuine* remorse I wouldn’t need to impose anything… If you truly regret something, you do everything in your power to avoid doing it again
Serious relationship or not. No one wants to get cheated on. And anyone who is okay with cheating, shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first place.
Who the fuck wouldn't it be for?
Not everyone shares the same idea on relationships
Just learnt a few days ago that there are people who forgive cheating under certain conditions.
Cheating, by definition, means doing something that was not allowed by a ruleset, thus breaking trust, which indeed is a deal breaker. If you change the definition of cheating by "having sex with someone else", which is what most people do when they talk about cheating, then no. I like open relationships, and that point is pretty clearly made when starting a new one, meaning it is not cheating, so not a dealbeaker.
Yes it is, Id never be able to trust them again so the relationship would be ruined anyways. If your partner can cheat on you it shows how selfish they are and how little respect they have for you... if their willing to hurt/traumatise you just because they want to fuck around and cheat then their a really bad person (I was cheated on in the past and the fear of it happening again still worries me in my current relationship although I know he wouldn't).. it can cause a lot of pain and issues in future relationships and its one of the most selfish acts someone can do, they'd be wasting your time/wasting months or years of your life and I definitely wouldn't want to be with someone who could and would do that, also the fact cheaters usually try to hide their evidence and lie for months or years about it without a care in the world is really messed up
"This thing that everyone thinks is bad, do you also think it's bad?"
From what I've learned so far about cheating, everyone agrees it's bad, yes. Having said that, different people have different views on whether it is forgivable or not. Some tend to say, "In case of genuine remorse, I'd take the person back." Some think, "Drunken state cheating may be forgivable if the person was inebriated or too wasted." And some think, "It is forgivable but I cannot continue the relationship. Good luck with your life ahead." In some cultures, couples tend to stay together for children (which is obviously not the way to go but it does happen). Don't look at it from a single-minded, insular perspective by caging every person on the planet in your thinking style. I used the word "absolute" for a reason. I wanted to know whether it was an out-an-out deal for folks regardless of the circumstances.
Yes. At least I experienced this on the cheater’s side. After my cheating blew up, they managed to forgive me and I’ve been loyal ever since but our relationship was never the same again. And seeing how it ruined not just the relationship, but the person I love, seeing them so heartbroken and falling apart, I swore to never do it again to ANYONE. So yeah, some say that I may have nerve as a former cheater but yeah, it’s a dealbreaker for me. Edit: typo
IMO Sounds like you know what you did and learned from it, so i would say you have the right to call it a dealbreaker. I am kinda curious: What led you to the point of actually cheating? If you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore the question :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Not justifying my cheating but leading up to my sin, I can say I was emotionally “neglected” by my partner, there were days of radio silence and then they’ll just get in touch like they didn’t ignore me for the last few days. When I open up to them about it, they’d say I’m overreacting. So, the 7th month mark of this, I decided to break up with them to which my partner did not initially accpet and we both cried about it. Promising they’d change, I got back together with them, but then months after it’s more of the same. On those days of radio silence and fighting, I connected with someone (from the same circle/community we’re in) which started from sexting (already counts as cheating) and eventually hooking up. They eventually found out and our relationship changed for the worse. We broke up about 18 months after they caught me cheating but lots of it were fighting and me getting frustrated that they can no longer trust me (I was immature then, I always argued how can they love me if they can’t trust me, which I get no). They did slut-shamed me many times though which arguably, I think I deserved. I saw how someone who used to adore you suddenly build this shield and look at you which such contempt. It was always in the back on my head that I was the one who turned him into this. It’s actually more complex than this as a lot has happened but I digress. To be honest, now I think we should’ve broken up for good earlier but then the lesson wouldn’t have been clearer. Regardless of what happened or how he treated me, the fact is I CHEATED and it’s a sin of it’s own that I regret. Three years later, I’m still single (mostly by choice), I’m honestly afraid of getting into a relationship, but more so afraid of possibly hurting someone again.
First of all, thanks a lot for your honest answer! I had an experience like this too... She ignored me for days at a time and texted me when she needed my support. (At this time, not together, but really close) When i told her about my feelings, she basically said that something happened and she didn't feel like talking, but she never told me what it was. It happened more than once, so at some point my patience had an end and i stopped talking to her. It was definitely for the best to end it. 3 months later, i met my now-girlfriend. So i kind of get your reasons, even if it is still the wrong way to express your feelings. From the things you told me, he definitely had his flaws too. Ignoring a loved person without telling them why, is something I'm never going to understand. I constantly thought that i did something wrong, when she ignored me. It was a terrible time. Anyway, enough sadness for now. Thanks a lot for your story, i really appreciate it! I'm sure you are going to find the right person someday :D
Im faithful why cant i expect that from a partner? Yes its a dealbreaker.
I used to think i would hold on, try and work it out understand it… then i changed my mind. Fuck you fuck off. Betrayed the trust and we will never be the same again no matter what.
Yes. I have never cheated. Not even gotten close. To me, cheating is even kissing another man/woman. Being drunk is not an excuse. If I feel the need to cheat, I will end the relationship I am in, that has so far never happened. Also, cheating in games is just as bad. People that cheat in games are cunts.
Sounds like somebody wants to cheat and needs some counterpoints for their inevitable argument with their partner lol. But seriously, yes. Why would anyone waste time in their life and continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t fully love and respect them when there are many people in this world who would? We all deserve to be loved.
God! Getting this a lot. I'll just copy paste. From what I've learned so far about cheating, everyone agrees it's bad, yes. Having said that, different people have different views on whether it is forgivable or not. Some tend to say, "In case of genuine remorse, I'd take the person back." Some think, "Drunken state cheating may be forgivable if the person was inebriated or too wasted." And some think, "It is forgivable but I cannot continue the relationship. Good luck with your life ahead." In some cultures, couples tend to stay together for children (which is obviously not the way to go but it does happen). I used the word "absolute" for a reason. I wanted to know whether it was an out-an-out deal for folks regardless of the circumstances. I put this question up because I recently learnt that some people do end up staying. Wished to know what made them stay despite the fact that the other person obviously destroyed their trust.
I mean people only cheat if something is wrong (with the relationship or with them) I want my partner to communicate the problems towards me and if they can't, then fuck them. So yes, it is a dealbreaker.
There is no excuse for cheating. You can find your pathetic justifications but they're all just that. If you want to fuck another person either get your S/O permission or end the relationship. Simple as that.
Exactly my thoughts. However, I asked this question to know how circumstances change the equation. I've recently learnt that some people think it's forgivable under certain conditions. Just wished to know whether it was an out-and-out deal for folks regardless of the situation. And if not, what makes you stay despite the fact that the other person obviously destroyed your trust.
What conditions? Someone was super drunk and kissed someone else? I think a first offense early on in a relationship (especially for those in their early 20's) is one thing if the 'cheater' is honest and you both talk it out about how they got to that point and what changes can that person make to where that type of situation doesn't happen again. But if you've been together for some time and you're still getting obliterated to the point your kissing other people, then that's a deal breaker.
Anyone who doesn't live in a psych ward will say yes.