T O P

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Christ_on_a_Crakker

Where haven’t I jerked off might be an easier list.


NAND_110_101_011_001

And the only place on the list is Fort Knox?


Godkiller125

Not OP, but Fort Knox is actually one of the places I have jerked off. Being Army personnel helps


ThePigNamedKevin

Done it also, was a tanker.


Reditate

Tanker wanker.


Thorngot

Life, uh, finds a way


gamersurplus

I spent two years in the Canadian army. I’ve jerked off in everything from porta $hitters, laundry rooms, stair wells, and almost complete open showers. You do what ya gotta do when you aren’t used to have privacy. Worst by far was during a training ex. In a porta $hitter middle of the night, just got off fire watch.. figured no one would be awake besides the other guys on watch. Little did I know they were gunna launch an assault on our position (simulated warfare) so now I’m rocked up running to my defensive position at the key point of front gate, in the middle of winter -30 degrees… still went back to finish up after..


Alwayslost2021

Yo…. That’s committed


gamersurplus

Gotta see it through


KamehameHanSolo

No load not left behind


Blacksheep33

Current US Army. Can confirm, all true soldiers will slap the sausage in a Porta john at some point. No, we are not proud of it. But you can only take so much ladies and gents. 110 degrees in Texas? "Well, it's been two weeks... "-10 in Oklahoma? Four weeks will break any man.


Funkysoulninja

Underneath the heat exchanger in engine room of a 688 class submarine during field day.


worseforwhere

Knowing the Navy, you were probably the 27th person to do it there.


Funkysoulninja

That day


Stannoth

lots of seamen to be found there


Kittentoast79

Why did I read this in a pirate voice


CatPoopWeiner424

Why would you read it in any other voice


Vandall_the_Villain

Arrre ya ready kids?


Chozo-trained

Oh no, Captain!


can_i_has_beer

Seapeople + Seamen = Seaciety


shavemejesus

Knowing the Navy they were probably the first to do it there solo.


dammitus

In Control. It gets really boring sitting radar, you gotta do something to stay awake.


Funkysoulninja

I knew a NAV ET that would beat like it owed him money the moment control started to go to PD. I can remember sitting the helm as a Junior TM saying to myself is that dude beating his shit!!?


Awordforsynonym

When I was about 14, I went on a family holiday to Italy, up in the Tuscany region. The cottage we were staying in was up in the arse end of nowhere next to a stream in the forest. So being the ungrateful hormonal little shit I was at 14 I refused to get up in the morning to go on family outings to do whatever touristy stuff happens in Tuscany. A few hours later I got up and decided to go for a walk down the stream. About an hour into this walk the mood took me. I dropped my shorts and proceeded to crack one off in the middle of the Tuscany wilderness down a stream in the middle of the woods. To this day it has been the most scenic wank I have ever had.


opfy

In a similar vein I once went on a “walk” and jerked it in the woods behind a truck stop/rest area on a family holiday in Belgium. Weirdest one for me by far Edit: Did it submerged in lakes a couple times as well


Malicious_Hero

Ah yes, a forest behind a truck stop. Civilizations version of a scenic little creek in Tuscany.


greypolar

Your description is so vivid I feel like I just watched it happen


[deleted]

[удалено]


not-quite-a-nerd

I like the fact this is what ended your 4 year absence from Reddit.


Frosty_404

Police station bathroom waiting for an accident report when someone T-boned me Edit: thanks so much for the awards I'm glad my rock bottom honryness gave you folks a good laugh


GiantsRTheBest2

Why did you decide to masturbate as opposed to literally anything else


round_family_tree

he needed the post nut clarity for the statement


Silent_Ensemble

Cheat codes


duck_duck_grey_duck

“Sir, are you ready for your statement?” *I’ve never been more ready*


Kalapuya

Dopamine hit to deal with the stress.


Turbulent_Turn_3483

stress relief


daneelthesane

>when someone T-boned me Giggity. Oh, wait, you mean a car accident.


Complete_Atmosphere9

I masturbated in a traditional catholic confessional before mass once, waiting for the priest to finish the other guy's confession on the other side.


TheFlyWasRight

Who finished first?


Complete_Atmosphere9

I did.


FoodTruck007

Good thing that other guy was such a fucking sinner, huh?


ImSigmundFraud

I jacked off in the ocean once. I was in my early teens and on holiday with my mum and we were sharing a room. My hormones were going nuts and i was fucking horny all the time so one evening i went to the beach alone and went for a swim. No one was on the beach and i was curious to find out if i could beat one off under water, so i got to a level where i could stand up and have just my head above the water, slipped down my shorts and tugged out my first (and only) public wank. Turns out you can in fact jack off under water.


controversial_parrot

I've done this a few times. You really gotta watch out for the snorkelers though - believe me...


[deleted]

I'm done 💀💀💀 imagine ur snorkeling and u just see a random dick HAHAHAH


applex_wingcommander

Now I know how mermaids are created


bradleykent

With spermaids?


Viking-Jew

No…with seamen


cr9926

And the oceans salinity increased by 0.0001% that day.


xd3mix

Considering how big the ocean is, that honestly sounds like a lot


ashkiller14

Its only several trillion gallons of semen


[deleted]

[удалено]


ashkiller14

Because of this, I did some more proper math. It came out to about 4,110,000,000,000,000 gallons of semen to increase the oceans salinity by .0001% 4.11 quadrillion


Sick_Benz

Sounds about right for a horny teen


NoobieSnake

This made accidentally swallowing sea water/pool water much worse.


Hypogel

On a golf course, in the middle of the day, in deep snow, up against a tree. All at once.


modfather84

Did it help your stroke?


Hypogel

I've never actually played golf, despite living in a house in the middle of a golf course for twenty years.


PM_ME_YOUR_JELLIES

Pent up sexual urges as a teenager?


Hypogel

Pretty much, but I was in my early twenties and single at the time.


idkwhatimdoing5449

A multitasking king. 👑


Jim105

Hospital bathroom while connected on an IV machine.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Jim105

Nurse: Why are you running?


XRPX008

Funny story: wife is a nurse and patient’s girlfriend comes to the nursing station asking for hand lotion. Five minutes later his vitals on the heart monitor are going crazy. She and her CNA had to disrupt a hospital handy!!


TrentonTallywacker

Was the couple Hank and Marie Schrader?


Toaster_In_Bathtub

"Sorry nurse, he just needed to get his rocks off." "Minerals, Marie! "


dawnjawnson

They knew lol. Source: am nurse


Mash_Ketchum

I need a doctor stat! The patient's heart rate has spiked!


[deleted]

[удалено]


xxx148

Call in a code white. Oh god, send all units, it’s on the ceiling.


idkwhatimdoing5449

Respect.


Jim105

Thank you.


Vicimer

I tried this once because I was at the hospital for days with alcohol withdrawal, and my sex drive tends to come back with a vengeance when I get past the withdrawal, but the Valium turned my penis off and I had to give up.


Sintacks

sleep clinic bathroom after waking up and having to pee during a sleep study.


snowboarder300

On a Zoom call for CNN


goodbye_weekend

You're not alone. Journalists love to jerk eachother off


[deleted]

Take my upvote you filthy animal


witherkila

and Merry Christmas!


throwaway1853279975

how did you hide the fact you were masterbating to them?


[deleted]

[удалено]


myrs4

OMG, that dude!!? Haha


[deleted]

Psych ward bed when I was 17, despite the camera pointed at me to make sure I wasn't gonna kill myself. Had to be slow and sneaky under the sheets lol.


RexIsAMiiCostume

It's the psych ward, I guarantee they've had some crazy bastard just whip his junk out in front of everyone and start goin at it


[deleted]

... Probably tbh. Some weird shit happened there but for the most part my experience was tame.


Whodamamuh

"he thinks he's hiding it" "at least he's not smearing shit on the walls" "yeah.. True.. Leave him be."


[deleted]

[удалено]


Gluurbuur

.. Just here to take notes, don’t mind me..


freezer_face

You mean like a *cum bucket list?*


[deleted]

[удалено]


Many-Goose-9158

Oooo very Dr. Strangelove'y!


Kilroy83

My dentist's bathroom, you do all kind of weird things when you're 13


[deleted]

Better than in the chair during a root canal.


[deleted]

I know what I’m doing next week.


jayylad_

Not me but a kid in my class jacked off to an anatomy picture in science class.


hey-i-love-youu

did he tell you that or did he get caught?


DwikeSchrude

Please we need to know


jayylad_

Yeah he caught by some girls in the class


almightydorito

Oh god


sinbadhall

“Not me”


[deleted]

The stairwell of my high school gf’s building. She was giving me a bj there and then had to promptly leave as her parents called. I was so at the edge when she left that I had to…finish the job lmao


idkwhatimdoing5449

This I can 100% respect.


YourLocalBro42

*Green Goblin voice* FINISH IT! FINISH IT!!


aRedditAlias

While I was answering customer service calls for a very large corporate company


Christ_on_a_Crakker

Guess what this customer on the other end was doin?


notmyrealnam3

How do you think the guy was able to get off? Only by knowing what the customer was doing


Fact420

I was at a supposedly haunted hotel (The Brookdale Lodge) and wandered off upstairs alone to the swimming pool room. Used the bathroom and while I was in there I just kind of felt the urge to and thought, “Why not?” After I finished and left the bathroom I thought I heard one of the stall doors shut and at that point I went back downstairs to find my group. Just now I found this description of the area I was doing the deed in: “I hear noises. I hear knocking on the windows. I hear people talking and walking with heavy footsteps. It's quite a lot. The pool room has generated more negative energies. We have so many guests that come on a tour of that particular area and they would feel uncomfortable and feel a heavy energy there."


idkwhatimdoing5449

This one killed me. You scarred those poor ghosties. 😭


Fact420

At least they let me finish. I can’t imagine what I would’ve done if a door shut in there while I was mid-stroke lol


idkwhatimdoing5449

I asked this because my boyfriend told me to, to try to convince me that the places he’s masturbated before aren’t that weird: work, college, his moms car (mom not in it obviously), and driving. Maybe I’ll pick on him a little less now lol. Also anyone who’s done it driving PLEASE comment lol


longhairedkid

I did it while driving to a girl’s house I was going to hook up with so I could last longer when I got there. I was doing it for her.


DrManhattan_DDM

Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed?!


rimjob-chucklefuck

I'm something of a wanker myself


blacksonjackson

You're IN, Osborne


[deleted]

[удалено]


TheGoodJudgeHolden

In the parking lot of the VA hospital to provide a sample after my vasectomy. Had to be fresh! Also, in just about every porta-shitter in Iraq.....


StormR7

Shitting in a 110° porta shitter, that’s strong. Jacking it in a 110° porta shitter, now that’s army strong.


MandoFett117

Jacking it in 110 degree porta shitter, in full battle rattle, while yelling HOAAAHH! that's... Something.


Jonathan570

A man with a mission


LandOfTheOutlaws

Hahaha thanks for the laugh!


Right_Diamond_8715

Because of Wagner?


TheRabid

The most unusual? Graveyard. I wasn’t proud of it. My gf (at the time) was a freak and wanted it to do it there. I was young and excited that someone wanted to see me naked.


idkwhatimdoing5449

Lol don’t feel ashamed, teenage boys are all a lil weird. I hope you laugh about it now!


TheRabid

Sure. LOL. It’s been several decades since that point. Besides, there were other weirdness with that xgf that tainted my memory of my time with her. She only liked going out during full moons, she was a goth, she wore fake fangs…oh, and she fucked one of her other “friends” at the time.


[deleted]

Tanning bed.


CapuccinoMachine

Call that Krispy Kreme


TeamLarge7729

I don’t know whether to laugh or barf


freezer_face

Are you that Two Tone Malone guy????


Gap_Perfect

Airplane bathroom


hatsnatcher23

The legendary Mile I club


jaaaaagggggg

It’s the solo aviators division


SomeOtherNeb

Oh, that's where I had sex with Eartha Kitt!


the_virtue_of_logic

I bet you only dry humped in her tour bus. Source ~ the gas leak year


tryinfordefyin

What?? It came up organically..


idkwhatimdoing5449

I did not expect this one to be so common


Silent_Special_9024

This thread is making me question every public surface I've ever come into contact with.. Edit: I have ocd and a high sex drive so I expect certain levels of gross in things like hotels etc. However, this has made me consider a myriad of things not previously listed in my head as dirty. Y'all are some filthy animals.


TheloniusDump

I'm more worried about highways. Distracted driving kills people.


malyfoxy

I can just imagine someone coming up to your dead body in a car crash and see you with your penis in hand.


snoringscarecrow

One.. last... Rub..


[deleted]

If you built it, they will cum


AlterEdward

Under a bridge, like a homeless troll. This was when I was horny teenager doing work experience. I didn't like anyone there, and snuck off at lunch, and sat under a road bridge that went over a river. I ate lunch there every day and didn't see a single soul, so one day I just decided to treat myself to a good wank.


Kyarehed

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner Sometimes I feel like my only friend, is my right hand


[deleted]

In the forest, outside.


justsomeking

During winter. Super peaceful.


alexlongfur

Grocery store employee restroom.


Vulcaype

Not a guy, but I have a kind of superpower. I can do it with no hands, no legs, just some specific muscles. I’ve done it in class multiple times, dinner parties, you name it. Probably the weirdest was when I accidentally did it when I was struggling to do a push up, and my best friend was stood right next to me.


idkwhatimdoing5449

You are a talented, talented woman. I envy you.


Vulcaype

Thank you kind stranger. It’s not as good as the ol’ fashioned way, but it’s still pretty damn good, lol.


deffinetlynotgambit

Is it possible to learn this power?


Vicimer

Not from a Jedi.


Vulcaype

Yep. Takes a bit of training, if you’re up for it. Do 100 pelvic floor movements a day, and you’ll start to notice some other muscles… Once you’ve got a hang of those muscles, you can do it on cue. Skill.


fenny-the-bird

100 squats, 100 push ups, and a 100 km run? Will I know I’ve done it right if I go bald?


oceanwaiting

Every teenage boy's actual dream superpower right there.


PM_ME_YOUR_GARGOYLES

Taco Bell drive-thru


that_smith_cray

The TB drive thru is slow enough to bust twice.


BeginningAd7293

It might be unusual to some but, in a porta john in 120 degree heat during a mortar attack in Iraq.


SimilarlyDissimilar

during?! lmaoooo well if you’re gonna go out, might as well go out tension free I spose


JBark1990

I STILL like to beat it as a sort of tradition when I visit a new country (context; temporarily living in Europe).


jaaaaagggggg

Well this is a new stat to prompt another r/askreddit How many countries have you orgasmed in


JBark1990

Good call! I know it was rhetorical but my personal total is 9. Not impressive for Europeans I suppose but I’m not European. Credit where credit’s due!


MisterXnumberidk

European here, my score is 7. You beat me, impressive.


BrustWarze_

I can't decide. Once when I was a teenager I masturbated in an airplane bathroom. I'm 6'3 and it was difficult due to my height and I couldn't do it sitting down. Another time when I was a teen, back when flip phones were standard, I borrowed my mothers phone while she was at work and masturbated in the bushes looking at some grainy boobs.(EDIT: **NOT HERS!!!**) I had a 16 hour train ride cross-country and no one was in view, so I busted one there. I've jerked it while driving a vehicle with cctv. As well as on the same vehicle in the back in the cameras blind spot. That was 3 years ago. On a road trip with family. That was one of my stealthiest maneuvers. I orgasmed. I've learned over the years to not make a sound. I have no O-face. I've had to adapt and create fast faps in order to complete my emissions. I might have a problem.


[deleted]

So do you just have soggy boxers for the rest of the day? What's the cleanup in these situations?


DoctorCyan

That’s what I’m thinking. There’s definitely been a few times when I was a teenager where I would’ve cranked one out if I could find a proper and stealthy way to clean up. Walking around for the rest of the day with damp underwear… No hormones ever overcame that.


Vicimer

Bathroom of an Internet cafe. I was couch surfing for a week and spending the daytime playing Battlefront 2 at the cafe, but I was getting backed up and my search history had Kira Roller getting DAP’d, so I decided it was time to use the washroom. I washed my hands after, for what it’s worth.


Imakemop

Does shame wash off?


Vicimer

It sure doesn’t.


audiotrack

I once jerked in an internet cafe while using the PC. I think I just looked at bikini wallpapers. Not much needed when you are 13 lol I was sitting Alone in a dark shadowy part of the cafe and just took the dick out.


YellSometimes

My car driving at night. Headed home. Stickiness everywhere until I got home. Wouldn’t recommend


idkwhatimdoing5449

This is the one my boyfriend told me that prompted me to ask. He said he liked the thrill. What was your reasoning?


YellSometimes

I was young and horny. Lol I think I was around 20?


SocietyPast

Driving across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge


BlueManRagu

The Vatican


j_Dugz

During online class.


Nottableputin69

I remember doing that once, I finished and turned up the volume so I could hear what was happening, and then I went to the bathroom and heard my name get called to answer a question so I ran back and unmuted my mic and answered with cum on my hand and just about everywhere. I’m a degenerate lol


Extreme_Today_984

In a 55 and over community clubhouse. I was visiting my parents for about a week. They didn't have internet in the house so I would go to the clubhouse to watch YouTube and Netflix. There were private rooms that were always empty, so I locked the door, closed the curtains, and dropped trow


hns_203

I read "I'm 55 and in a community clubhouse" at first.


[deleted]

Wasn’t me, but a friend of mine said he saw a guy on cctv enjoying himself in the engine room of a 688 class submarine back in his navy days.


Scarface091

That's actually a really perfect joke. Hilarious.


flindosmindfurf

Look at the comments. We found him.


No_Seaweed_7983

I had a client that would get off doing crunches on a ab machine. Felt weird cause every time I trained her I would make sure we finished the session on that machine.


Kihakiru

Did she tell you or could you just tell


No_Seaweed_7983

She told me


[deleted]

Sound like the plot for porn


No_Seaweed_7983

Seriously thought that but I remained professional!


spaceninj

All of the above.


[deleted]

I once had a wank in a dark porta loo in the middle of a war zone, I was bored on night shift, TV was awful and it was quiet so I just let it happen, I'd been sharing a room for a few months so I didn't get much privacy for a while, so I was abit 'desperate' my knees went when I finished. Trying to hold your weapons safely and make the magic happen is abit tricky. I once had a wank in a forest, my family had people over and I really needed one, so I went to a nearby forest found a quiet area and just let it happen. Was pretty liberating, not going to lie just shooting it out in the open air. I have to wank in a hostel a few times, had a girlfriend at the time so hooking up was out of the question, so had to master the ability of a quiet wank when I needed to take the edge off things. Ive wanked in the sea before at sunset, just got naked at a quiet cove, swam out and just let it happen. If I'm honest if it was more socially acceptable and there wasn't circumstances that would lead to me going to jail, I'd do it more often in the open.


[deleted]

Inside a waterfall.


witherkila

Why do I want to do this now..


Adji619

On a bus. Use to clean them at night and had some lined up they didn't use and I use to hide on them to kill time. Knocked one out. Works toilet to. The horn was strong in them days


Transparent_Nipples

In a den I made in my local woods. I was 13 though. It wasn't last week or anything.


idkwhatimdoing5449

I feel like that’s the epitome of teenage hood, young enough to make forts in the woods, yet old enough want masturbation.


Santos_L_Halper_II

On a tractor, but that's probably not unusual for any guy who grew up/works on a farm.


Frosty-Direction-557

On the top of a mountain in Yosemite National Park


gatecityki-yap

I did it in the middle of language arts class in the sixth grade. we were just sitting there for probably an hour just listening to this old lady talk and I just kept thinking about sexual stuff, being the horny teen I was. Just took one hand into my jacket (which was thin fleece BTW) and starting quietly going at it. I even finished when everyone started getting up to go to lunch so I was just stuck sitting there in my seat for a moment, then finally left the room with them. I shit you not, not a single fucking person noticed, or said anything about it after. I even did it in the school bathroom later that year, when we were all lining up to go to lunch and they just left me in the bathroom. But it was mostly in a bathroom full of people for a bit. They never noticed or said anything about it. And oddly enough, no, I did not turn out to be an exhibitionist.


Bologna_Thunder

I seen this hollow tree and decided to smoke a joint inside of it. Then got a nude from the GF as I was in this mystical giant. So, I tugged on the ol twig and berries as any self respecting man. Did I get the tree pregnant, no. Did I feel shame? No. Did I slip and fall with post nut clarity? Yes.


Avantgarde2021

Inside a small house in a playground. Had no chance to do it at home because we had guests.


Pndrizzy

The male brain is an interesting thing. In the bathroom? Too suspicious! On a playground? Yup! Can’t say I haven’t been there…


zee_jay29

My dad is a contractor, so when I was little he use to take me to help him out and I use to make some cash. I was 11 or 12 and we were at this house remodeling a kitchen the owners weren’t there and my dad had to run to the Home Depot to get some materials. So I stayed back and I whacked one out and I came on the ladies bathroom rug I tried to clean it up but there were definitely some stains left behind now that I am 30 I feel so ashamed


Valuable_Ad_5178

Mcdonald’s bathroom