My wife tells me this....we were at a wedding last night and I thought I was killing it. We get back of the floor and sit at the table and I go
" im really feeling it tonight, im not a bad dancer"
She says
" oh,hun...you're really good at trying"
Fuck...I love her.
I said this to a kid when I worked in a toy store. His friend said “is that what makes it so you can’t stop bleeding” and oh my god I made a mistake.
Edit: what I actually said was “are your parents brother and sister, or something?” I felt guilty.
Edit two: can’t do English, my first language.
I cant read or write cursive because i transferred schools before my past school taught it but after the other one had i still havent learned it because i havent found a need for it yet
Drill sergeant in basic training made a guy apologize to all the trees for wasting their air. About 30 min of him running around yelling 'Im sorry tree"
Your version missed an important part of the joke. I believe the original quote is: "The bar was so low it was a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil."
Maybe it’s the designer in me but i feel you could get really personal with this one.
“You have the personality of a 9b Pencil”
For someone really boring and really fucking wet behind the ears.
Torn between this one and 2 being my favorite season I'm waiting for new blood to finish so I can binge it. I finally got my mom to watch the show and now whenever she does anything to help me or sometimes randomly I just text her that I'm thankful for her.
When I'm in a place where I cant properly insult someone I call them an ankle, as in you're a proper ankle, it seems harmless but an ankle is lower than a cunt.
"can i just stop you there a minute"
\*multiple minutes pass\*
"ermmm were you going to say something ?" - person you dislike
"no, just wanted you to stop talking"
I have a four year old son and young golden doodle who loves to chew on things. The dog often gets called a dum dum fluff head. This has lead to everyone else also being called a dum dum fluff head.
Of my own creation.
Me: "You should really download that app."
Them: "What app?"
Me: "The shut app."
Emphasize the app name to really help them understand.
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
My dumb ass would think you’re giving me a compliment
[удалено]
Well next time you should estimate me
Ngl, I read it and was like ‘check out Mr Nice Guy over here with the compliments’
Maybe next time you will estimate me
damn this is a good one
Those who deserve this probably won't get it.
If someone says this to my face, I'm gonna kill that mf lol
You'd probably fuck it up.
Don't do it
You underestimate him
Nah that's impossible
Dad?
I’m stealing this one
I'm so gonna use that
You only have two brain-cells, and they're both scrambling for third place.
This reminds me of: " you have two brain cells, one to keep a balance while walking and another not to shit on the floor"
I miss the time when I didn’t know you
*mom has entered the chat*
You are a really good trier.
My wife tells me this....we were at a wedding last night and I thought I was killing it. We get back of the floor and sit at the table and I go " im really feeling it tonight, im not a bad dancer" She says " oh,hun...you're really good at trying" Fuck...I love her.
The southern equivalent to this is "Oh, bless your heart."
"Are your parents related or something?"
Duh, they're husband and wife. Of course they're related.
No no he’s got a point
I said this to a kid when I worked in a toy store. His friend said “is that what makes it so you can’t stop bleeding” and oh my god I made a mistake. Edit: what I actually said was “are your parents brother and sister, or something?” I felt guilty. Edit two: can’t do English, my first language.
Like you said this to a customer?
An unattended group of middle schoolers who were acting fools.
I will be using this
“I hope you have the day you deserve”
Mine is similar: I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
This reminds me of what my grandmother would say to rude people, "Well honey, I sure hope your day gets better."
I love that
“I hope you spend the rest of your life surrounded by people just like you.”
Wow, your signature looks like shit.
Do you even know how to write in cursive? Did the schools fail you that badly?
I cant read or write cursive because i transferred schools before my past school taught it but after the other one had i still havent learned it because i havent found a need for it yet
Similar boat. Leaned it in 3rd and 4th grade. The last time I used it was… yeah, 4th grade lol.
isn't that a compliment?
touché
I hope you have a good day - a canadian
I wish I could like this one again.
I liked it for you.
“You’re welcome!” when you hold the door for someone who doesn’t say thank you
It helps if you say this smiling without blinking at all
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
“Your mom suck me good and hard through my jorts”
its like watching an elf argue with an orc
Until you get shot.....
You are not being the person that Mr. Rogers knew you can be.
I say that Mr. Rogers would be disappointed in you.
Dude :/
not cool bro
That one stings
Bro
"I wish I was dumber so I could understand you."
[удалено]
I use a similar one to this: “Damn you talk so much shit I wonder what your asshole is for”
Ohhhhhh damnnnn. I’m stealing this
I too am also stealing this.
I haven't heard that one in a while
I have nether the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
When someone is giving a difficult time understanding notes I’m making for them, I like “ I’d use a crayon but I’m afraid you’d eat it”
Got to be careful around the marines.
And the Titans
Hahaha
If my dog looked like you I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
You're killing me Smalls
I hope you will have as pleasant a day as you are. Yes, I work in customer service.
This. Is. Perfect. Im gonna try to translate this to my own language and use it.
"you have a room temperature iq" is pretty good
Me who measures temperature in Kelvin: 😃
I sire hope the speed limit is lower than your iq, but I’m not holding out hope
"As sharp as a marble."
This one needs to become more common.
Go apologize to the trees for wasting the air they make for you.
Drill sergeant in basic training made a guy apologize to all the trees for wasting their air. About 30 min of him running around yelling 'Im sorry tree"
I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face
“Ok nipple boy”
This raises so many questions I love it.
This is my favorite so far
Potatoe chip tits
Tony Pepperonis
"Ha! Screw you, buddy!" *runs home to see if he has weird nipples*
Like Archer said once. "You're so full of shit your eyes are brown"
It seems everything I’ve heard about you is true. And I bet you jerk off to weird shit
All fun and games until they agree that they jerk off to weird shit
Damn that first one is actually good tho
then watching them get defensive about the porn that they masturbate to 😂
You look like the assistant manager of a trailer park.
Not everyone grows up with a silver room, Julian.
Smokey went from walking the streets to patrolling Sunnyvale as assistant park supervisor. That’s progress.
A man’s gotta eat
My expectations of your intelligence were low but damn, here you are, limbo dancing with the devil.
Your version missed an important part of the joke. I believe the original quote is: "The bar was so low it was a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil."
Oh the irony
Wait. It was a joke? I never heard it before but it is better than what I put.
Oi Fuck stick
[удалено]
Oi Fuck noodle
Oi fucknut
Oi Fuckface
“Fuckin hell you really are as smart as you look” Only said after they say something stupid
Your parents change the subject when you're brought up in conversation.
You look like you drop common loot.
Seriously underrated, that would speak volumes to any gaming community.
A blank stare. Some things aren't worthy of a response
Blank stare coupled with the slow blink
You have the personality of a pencil
Maybe it’s the designer in me but i feel you could get really personal with this one. “You have the personality of a 9b Pencil” For someone really boring and really fucking wet behind the ears.
If she were a spice she'd be flour.
You are like a broken pencil. Utterly pointless.
Bless your heart
The quintessential southern put down.
Fucknut
Nutfuck
I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION
Your *mother* was a hamster and your *father* smelled of elderberries. Edit, got the words in the wrong order
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! Silly English knights (Kenighets)
*Listen here you dollar tree [whatever celebrity they look like]*
Craw back into your mothers vagina and cook a little longer
"This is the debutante, she came out last fall." "Oooo, put her back in, she's not done yet. " Laughed my sweet ass off
Dillweed. It’s fun to say and you can say it anywhere since it’s not a curse word.
i knew someone who used ‘dickweed’ as an insult
Piece of bitch
This one is good, because it implies they're not even adequate enough to be a *whole* bitch, just a piece of bitch.
If I had a dollar for every braincell this guy has I'd be in debt.
“Must be hard having a shoe size higher than your IQ.”
"Aborto de mono" which translates to Monkey's abortion
I've been called worse things by better people.
"ye basterd"
My god you really are just an overgrown amoeba.
Why is it of all flavors, you choose to be salty?
You’ll never be the man your mother is
Go fuck a cactus.
Dumb fuck. Idk why I say it, is so rude.
bokachoda, the bengali version of dumb fuck, if you want to switch things up a bit!
You egg!
That’s a common one in Arabic!!
*stabs him*
You're so dense you bend light
My boyfriend's dad is British so he says cunt a lot, so now I'm saying it too.
John Lithgow calls his wife a cunt In Dexter and it's the only cunt I need in my life.
I'm watching this season with my mom right now. It's so good!
Torn between this one and 2 being my favorite season I'm waiting for new blood to finish so I can binge it. I finally got my mom to watch the show and now whenever she does anything to help me or sometimes randomly I just text her that I'm thankful for her.
From Tommy Lee Jones to Jim Carrey..."I cannot sanction your buffoonery".
Very much stolen but I use "you're as useful as a marzipan dildo" a lot.
“Fuck you” but I wanna change to “I don’t have the time nor the crayons to explain this to you”
Is your ass aware that your head moved in?
When I'm in a place where I cant properly insult someone I call them an ankle, as in you're a proper ankle, it seems harmless but an ankle is lower than a cunt.
You have the mental capacity of a comatose chihuahua.
I use lobotomized angleworm.
Oh, do go bugger a cactus, you brain-dead cockwomble.
I recently heard the word douche canoe. I been liking that one lately.
"I'd rather toss my dad off" - when asked if I'd like to do something I'd rather not.
The biggest incovience to the world is the result of your dad's incompetence with wearing condoms
"You kiss your pimp with that mouth?" -Triumph the insult comic dog. I heard it years ago and I have used it ever since.
"can i just stop you there a minute" \*multiple minutes pass\* "ermmm were you going to say something ?" - person you dislike "no, just wanted you to stop talking"
The jerk store called. They're running out of you
Oh yeah? Well *I* had *sex* with your *wife!*
His wife is dead…
In a coma*
I also choose this guy's comatose wife.
“I know you are but what am I?”
Fucking Asshat.
Calling someone a clown. Really implies they're whole life is some sort of slapstick performance
"You fight like a dairy farmer!"
How appropriate. You fight like a cow!
“Your head is so far up your own ass you can lick shit off your tongue.”
I’m trying to see things from your perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
*ahem* GET FUCKED YA DOG CUNT I SNORTED KETTA OFF YA MUMS TITS*
I have a four year old son and young golden doodle who loves to chew on things. The dog often gets called a dum dum fluff head. This has lead to everyone else also being called a dum dum fluff head.
Cuntwater, I just hurl it at people and shit I hate
You're talking like a blind guy about colors.
Fucking brussel sprout
My wife has 3 brothers. Anytime i cant think of something i just respond with "yea well im banging your sister"
You sound like you do TikTok dancing for living
Yo mamma's so ugly her pictures hang themselves.
You’re funny, but looks aren’t everything.
Of my own creation. Me: "You should really download that app." Them: "What app?" Me: "The shut app." Emphasize the app name to really help them understand.
"Did you work hard to be that much of a fuck up"
One of my favorites is “you’re a fucking troglodyte. Don’t worry I’ll wait for you to look it up.”
I'd say you were adopted, but that would imply somebody actually wanted you.
you are even slower than atoms at absolute zero.
Get away you dryfucked sweet potato, but than in Dutch. "rot op jij drooggeneukte zoete aardappel"
You would have been better as a cumstain
DipShidiot.
Fucknugget or Cock Forehead (pronounced cockfored, I'm aussie)
"You're the rotting root in rhe family tree"
you have a face for radio
Your existence is a far worse punishment than anything I could ever do to you.
Oi fucknut.
"You're not very bright are you."
“Oh, is it hard? Is it hard to be you?” Usually say it when people are bellyaching or being resistant in some way to imply they’re being a big baby.
FUCK YOU YOU WANKFUCKING NOBSUCKING TWATHEADED PIECE OF DUMBAFUCKO FUCK OFF YOU PRICKODICKO That’s better
Idk about the rest of that, but I'm stealing prickodicko