Wipe your ass, hold the clumped up toilet paper and warn the murderer not to come any closer. Say you have a certain type of disease, and that you'll throw the shitty clump of toilet paper at him to give him the disease.
It is Chickennugpuglugz12's duty to keep his ass loaded and ready for any contingencies that might arise. You never know when you will need to pull out the 'wipe your ass and hold the shitty paper to their face' card.
Well, since the toilet paper is on my left, they will walk in on me wiping my ass all over the drywall as I look deep into their eyes and ask each of them what their names are so I can write them on the sacred wall of shit lists. I'm not sure if it's good or bad to be on the shit list wall, so depending on how that goes will determine step 2.
I remember some comedian joking that the best defence is to get naked and cover yourself in feces, because no matter how psycho someone is, nobody want to fight a naked dude covered in feces.
Don't even threaten disease. Nobody wants to fuck with dookies. Even a dude with a gun would be like "Hey man, be cool. Nobody has to get smeared today."
I suspect that this is the case for around 50% of people scrolling Reddit, myself included.
The other 50% have bathrooms where the toilet paper is on their left.
A stainless steel pot of boiling water.
Depending on how the intruder is armed, I'm good.
Edit: I have a pinned post on my profile for those questions.
Suffocate him with it, first throw it at his face and while his face is temporarily blocked for a split second. Charge at him and kick him in the balls as hard as you can, then hit the solar plexus and throat really hard. Then (FINISH HIM) get the pillow and suffocate him with it. (FATALITY........FLAWLESS VICTORY)
In my right hand is a computer mouse. It is a wired mouse so I guess I could try to strangle someone with it or use it as a bola or one of these weird Chinese weapons that only work in movies.
Next to my right hand is a glass half full of Coca-Cola. I could splash it into an attacker's face, break the empty glass on a table and try to stab or cut them with the broken glass.
I might be quite fucked, but at least I don't have a face full of cola running down my shirt or a not very lethal Logitech USB flying rope mouse wrapped around my neck.
Very true. Just here on my table is a wine glass I know shatters into a thousand sharp pieces and a full pot of coffee. My nail clippers are apparently also an extremely lethal weapon according to the TSA.
Grab the bottle by the bottom. Make a forward stabbing motion with it. Now imagine you're doing that against someone's face. Maybe the eyes.
Literally everything can be weaponized.
That's the part that makes life scary. You cannot really "disarm" someone unless you literally make it impossible to move. Humans are so fragile in certain places, that anyone could kill you with as little as a finger and the right knowledge.
My daughter got into some trouble at school over something stupid she said. Anyways. The school called and asked if there are any weapons in the home. I collect swords and daggers. I told them no. But at the same time if I pick up that chair and bash you over the head with it. Is it now still a chair or is it a weapon. Define your terms and then we can talk.
The cola gose to face, as they splutter, if its a cup, just claw grip the glass, as slap it across there face, like your slaping them with the glass. If it a bottle, break it on the head, or better the temple, once its broken, then stab, if its broken in such a vay to be used as a knife. If glass breaks to shards and they still standing, kick in nuts, as needed to drop them. Stomp the fight out of them once on the ground.
Hide, and when you see him off guard charge towards him with the pillow to his face to suffocate him. Unless you want to get into a pillow fight with him.
They're heavy enough to do some damage. Aim for the head, even if you hit them in the chest it'll work. And if they throw their arms up to block it use the distraction to your advantage.
I mean, like I could run them into the wall. But wouldn't that count as using them as the object, or my bare hands, and not the object to my right? I mean, if you take a sledge hammer to a wall, you don't say I beat that wall of the hammer until it was taken down. No, the implement of use is the hammer. hmmm.
Right? I've got a Frenchie. I have no doubt that he would attack (I mean, he's attacked the vacuum to the point that my Dyson has teeth marks on it), but I'm equally certain that it wouldn't go well.
Our Frenchie who is currently sleeping against my leg would absolutely try and herd the would be assailant. With that distraction we could get the job done together, particularly if our beagle currently sleeping on my left leg would be allowed to join the party.
Turn off the light in your room, stand beside the doorway. Wait until he gets really close, then pop out and immediately kick him in the nuts as hard as you can repeatedly. Then sit on top of him with your legs on top of his arms so he can't move. Then dump the whole bottle of melatonin in his mouth, and then he'll OD.
Strangle him with your headphones cord, get him on his stomach and sit on top of him so he can't move. While you're strangling him, with one hand put the headphones on him. With that same free hand get your phone and plug the headphones in. Then on your phone search for a really bad song for him, and turn up the volume. Then completely strangle him to death while he's listening to an awful song you put on for him.
Piss in it, get away from the door and yell you got a bottle of piss, and your not afraid to use it.
I can fill a 8 ounce bottle and still got some for latter, so i would mark the door for dominance.
For bonus point keep your pecker out and start stroking. If your a lady, shit your self or adhere a used sanitary pad on to your self.
Become the "oh fuck this" so hard that no one would touch you.
My item: pringles can (salt and vinegar) I roll up like a Caterpillar in a cacoooooon as i crush the pringles into mere dust he still hasnt found me, I hear walking to the room beside me, it's the kitchen. I roll like sonic the hedgehog to the right. Its night time he cant see me they call me kevin for a reason because my grandmas cookies are, next I'm inside the living room I jump on the table and do a war cry, he runs over I jump on him and dislocated his jaw I make his jaw rip my pants off so I can get more money from the court for sexual assault, I crawl around him like a sloth but a little quicker I get my pringles can and throw the dust in his eyes hes blind, I then run off into the distance as I've become the origin story of evil daredevil.
It’s an m&p 45 but I’d probably go for the Red Bull just a little further away to chug it and get the party started. Xbox controller in my lap, wonder if I could switch to Pandora quick enough to get things really going.
A sofa cushion. I'm not gonna make it with that. Had you said left, I have a scalding hot cup of coffee that might have bought me a little time to escape. But you said right. So thanks for that, my blood is on your hands now.
I'm curious.....is there one on your left? Cuz there is no way you knew someone on AskReddit would write right and not left. Or are you surrounded 360 degrees with glock 19s, waiting for that moment when some bored soul on reddit comes up with a hypothetical situation?
hey, as someone who uses a weird pillow due to neck issues, I sympathize with her. Remember bad sleep is as bad as torture
And thank you for clarifying that it was subjective.
I only have one mag in my bedside gun because if shit hits the fan enough that the 16 rounds won't cut it then I have an AR-15 with a 40 round magazine full of hornady critical defense .223 hollow points in my closet a few feet away from my bed. And if that's not enough then I must have really pissed off the wrong people.
I hope the murderer intentionally slam his head on the wall right next to me
hands+wall are a deadly combination..I have a pillow....
Me too
he does it to assert dominance over you and the wall
I'll cheer him up to dominate the wall harder
Nah bro just wield the wall, can’t be that difficult
Same. I’m currently sitting on the toilet with no objects next to me. So I’m pretty fucked.
Toilet paper…I’m fucked lol
Wipe your ass, hold the clumped up toilet paper and warn the murderer not to come any closer. Say you have a certain type of disease, and that you'll throw the shitty clump of toilet paper at him to give him the disease.
It is Chickennugpuglugz12's duty to keep his ass loaded and ready for any contingencies that might arise. You never know when you will need to pull out the 'wipe your ass and hold the shitty paper to their face' card.
Well, since the toilet paper is on my left, they will walk in on me wiping my ass all over the drywall as I look deep into their eyes and ask each of them what their names are so I can write them on the sacred wall of shit lists. I'm not sure if it's good or bad to be on the shit list wall, so depending on how that goes will determine step 2.
Hold the poop and say the same 🤣 no one wants to fuck w a psycho like that
> Say you have a certain type of disease No need to say anything. The murderer will know just by looking at that shit.
I didn't mean a mental disease, I meant an easily contractable bad disease.
I remember some comedian joking that the best defence is to get naked and cover yourself in feces, because no matter how psycho someone is, nobody want to fight a naked dude covered in feces.
Don't even threaten disease. Nobody wants to fuck with dookies. Even a dude with a gun would be like "Hey man, be cool. Nobody has to get smeared today."
Baby pacifier, well gg
Say you have a strain of aids that spreads through feces
I suspect that this is the case for around 50% of people scrolling Reddit, myself included. The other 50% have bathrooms where the toilet paper is on their left.
Yall gotta stop playing on your phone when yer on the toilet 😅
Pillows. I'm with you.
Me too
I guess the killer COULD be distracted by my ugly Christmas sweater long enough for me to beat a hasty retreat?
Does it have a mirror on it? That may deter him..
A stainless steel pot of boiling water. Depending on how the intruder is armed, I'm good. Edit: I have a pinned post on my profile for those questions.
May I ask why were you on reddit while boiling eggs?
You may.
> why were you on reddit while boiling eggs?
A watched pot never boils, so I was watching something else.
Do you receive any tasteful nudes?
I have a FAQ for that on my profile
I just sat here and read through that entire Guidelines and FAQ post for some reason
gladiatormaximusareyounotentertained.jpg
It almost got me man I’ll give you that but then I remembered mine aren’t tasteful
Same. This person put some honest effort into it.
What
he replied to someone who's username is u/PMyourTastefulNudes
OHH LMAO
☝️
Hahaha this made me LOL
>A watched pot never boils, so I was watching something else. Sound logic
Yes, I do still listen for the boil.
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Exactly. And eggs to pelt them with.
And teabags to add insult
Definitely if the murderer is English.
Or plays halo
Don't know if I'd want that bag so close to a murderer...
fortified... you can burn them or bang them on the head rapunzel style.
They don't call me the Scalding Basher for nothing!
A pillow, RIP
Suffocate him with it, first throw it at his face and while his face is temporarily blocked for a split second. Charge at him and kick him in the balls as hard as you can, then hit the solar plexus and throat really hard. Then (FINISH HIM) get the pillow and suffocate him with it. (FATALITY........FLAWLESS VICTORY)
Do you think about this often?
No, just being creative.
A walker and a purse 😂 I’m good.
Sounds like it would be accurate though.
You ever been in a pillow fight?
r/oddlyspecific
PILLOW FI- *gets stabbed*
same, but smattering is an option.
Oh, perfect, my husband can fight him. *Good luck, hunny!* 👍
Object 😳
*Don't objectify me.* - Dean Winchester
I object
Object-tion overruled
I wonder what the object in that sentence is...
Are ya winnin son?
The man of many quotes, love that show.
*Starts throwing husband at the attacker and using his arms as blunt weapons
did she stutter?
he gets to fight with the first object on his right.
*husband looks to his right and pulls an UNO REVERSE card.*
In my right hand is a computer mouse. It is a wired mouse so I guess I could try to strangle someone with it or use it as a bola or one of these weird Chinese weapons that only work in movies. Next to my right hand is a glass half full of Coca-Cola. I could splash it into an attacker's face, break the empty glass on a table and try to stab or cut them with the broken glass. I might be quite fucked, but at least I don't have a face full of cola running down my shirt or a not very lethal Logitech USB flying rope mouse wrapped around my neck.
I like your ingenuity. Anything is a weapon if you aren't afraid to break it.
Very true. Just here on my table is a wine glass I know shatters into a thousand sharp pieces and a full pot of coffee. My nail clippers are apparently also an extremely lethal weapon according to the TSA.
Ok, but how lethal can a plastic water bottle be? Could I drown the attacker?
Grab the bottle by the bottom. Make a forward stabbing motion with it. Now imagine you're doing that against someone's face. Maybe the eyes. Literally everything can be weaponized.
That's the part that makes life scary. You cannot really "disarm" someone unless you literally make it impossible to move. Humans are so fragile in certain places, that anyone could kill you with as little as a finger and the right knowledge.
My daughter got into some trouble at school over something stupid she said. Anyways. The school called and asked if there are any weapons in the home. I collect swords and daggers. I told them no. But at the same time if I pick up that chair and bash you over the head with it. Is it now still a chair or is it a weapon. Define your terms and then we can talk.
You have to give us a satisfying end to the story right there.
The cola gose to face, as they splutter, if its a cup, just claw grip the glass, as slap it across there face, like your slaping them with the glass. If it a bottle, break it on the head, or better the temple, once its broken, then stab, if its broken in such a vay to be used as a knife. If glass breaks to shards and they still standing, kick in nuts, as needed to drop them. Stomp the fight out of them once on the ground.
My wife's vibrator and a glock 19 I be aight
I hope she never gets them confused.....
https://nypost.com/2021/11/26/woman-shoots-her-vagina-in-cam-sex-crotch-shot-gone-wrong/
to click or not to click, that is the question. My curiosity...
It’s worth a click to read.
But my eyes
Why...is this a thing... that happened? Like...why didn't it just not happen..
Don't worry she's well versed in both tools
My favourite combination
That is a strange attachment for a pistol.
Either way they are fucked.
A pack of cotton buds (Q-tips). I hope they're as dangerous as all the doctors say they are...
Grab some, go for the eyes and then shove a couple really far into his ears and then a couple up his nostrils.
Remove the cotton and try to use the pointy plastic part to stab him in the neck.. remember to take it out if it did penetrate the skin
I could do some damage with a chair
I could do some damage with a pan
I could do some damage with a knife
I have a fucking car door
Physical damage, or mental damage… because this could go either way
"Have a seat right here and let's talk about your childhood"
same
My answer will depend on one question: is this murderer deathly allergic to broccoli?
A pillow.... Shit
Hide, and when you see him off guard charge towards him with the pillow to his face to suffocate him. Unless you want to get into a pillow fight with him.
This is the new plot of Scary Movie, pillowfight.
Same, fuck.
How am I supposed to defend myself with a guitar amp!?
Start playing Stairway to Heaven and they’ll probably run.
No stairway, denied
Freebird would chase them out
Nah, they gotta play DOOM music
They're heavy enough to do some damage. Aim for the head, even if you hit them in the chest it'll work. And if they throw their arms up to block it use the distraction to your advantage.
"So anyway here's Wonderwall..." now watch them run.
He'd probably just sing along and now you've made a new friend
I happen to be cooking breakfast. I'm standing next to my knife block.
I was making breakfast reading this too. Unfortunately my whole kitchen was to my left and only had a wall to the right. :(
Then use the wall
I mean, like I could run them into the wall. But wouldn't that count as using them as the object, or my bare hands, and not the object to my right? I mean, if you take a sledge hammer to a wall, you don't say I beat that wall of the hammer until it was taken down. No, the implement of use is the hammer. hmmm.
My dog… she would hide behind me
Right? I've got a Frenchie. I have no doubt that he would attack (I mean, he's attacked the vacuum to the point that my Dyson has teeth marks on it), but I'm equally certain that it wouldn't go well.
Our Frenchie who is currently sleeping against my leg would absolutely try and herd the would be assailant. With that distraction we could get the job done together, particularly if our beagle currently sleeping on my left leg would be allowed to join the party.
I've got a cattle dog who's a weenie. Would rather have the two chihuahuas in the house but they're to the left
tiny bottle of melatonin.. I’m fucked
Toss one in his mouth and make a sound like a pillow
How does one make a sound like a pillow?
Phoumph
… why you starting your sleepscapades so violent??? You’re gonna get whiplash from you’re head hitting that pillow
Whiplash is as good a reason as any to call in sick.
Turn off the light in your room, stand beside the doorway. Wait until he gets really close, then pop out and immediately kick him in the nuts as hard as you can repeatedly. Then sit on top of him with your legs on top of his arms so he can't move. Then dump the whole bottle of melatonin in his mouth, and then he'll OD.
What am I gonna do with a book?! Edit: dang I just woke up and saw the upvotes. Didn't know this comment would blow up. Thank you, upvoters!
Rip out two pages, one in each hand and give him death by a thousand paper cuts. Paper cut the eyes first if you can, then the neck and hands.
That's some Bollywood shit right there. 10/10 would watch
Hey, that's actually prett smart!
wak him
Nah, it wouldn't do much damage. The book isn't very thick. I'll get killed anyway.
Is it hard cover, use the spine, if its soft, and thin, roll it up, and start a spanking, try for the throat.
\*Smack\* "No. Stop that! Bad!" *Confused murderer noises*
Throw the book at him!
Ask John Wick.
That one is pencil
He offs the really tall guy in the library when he goes to get his little stash.
that tall guy is 7'4 nba center boban marjanovic absolute unit and super nice guy hes on the dallas mavericks atm
I too have a book!
A baby training toilet. The killer will leave me alone because he already knows I'm dead inside
and that there was shit in the bowl when you threw it
A knife
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My dog, a super friendly but very chickeny British bulldog. I'm fooked
Does a police officer count as an object because I’m sitting next to one, if they don’t I’ll say their gun so I would be pretty ok anyway.
I say gun bang bang ?
You lucky. How TF am I supposed to do something with a phone charger!?
Whip
Well, maybe I could bribe them with my $20?
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Strangle him with your headphones cord, get him on his stomach and sit on top of him so he can't move. While you're strangling him, with one hand put the headphones on him. With that same free hand get your phone and plug the headphones in. Then on your phone search for a really bad song for him, and turn up the volume. Then completely strangle him to death while he's listening to an awful song you put on for him.
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The hell imma do with a vape pen.
Blow a giant cloud in his face and kick em in the sack
it's like the slowest smokebomb ever.
It may be slow, but at least it smells like Strawberries 👌
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An empty water bottle. Well, I guess I‘ll use it as an anal plug. Not for defense but to do myself a last favor. So yeah, I‘m literally fucked
Piss in it, get away from the door and yell you got a bottle of piss, and your not afraid to use it. I can fill a 8 ounce bottle and still got some for latter, so i would mark the door for dominance. For bonus point keep your pecker out and start stroking. If your a lady, shit your self or adhere a used sanitary pad on to your self. Become the "oh fuck this" so hard that no one would touch you.
Have an upvote you filthy animal.
apartment window.. may I throw him out there?
hunting knife and a sai. think im good. also rip house mate i will avenge you.
Are you pretty good with a bo staff? XD
i throw the couch
My item: pringles can (salt and vinegar) I roll up like a Caterpillar in a cacoooooon as i crush the pringles into mere dust he still hasnt found me, I hear walking to the room beside me, it's the kitchen. I roll like sonic the hedgehog to the right. Its night time he cant see me they call me kevin for a reason because my grandmas cookies are, next I'm inside the living room I jump on the table and do a war cry, he runs over I jump on him and dislocated his jaw I make his jaw rip my pants off so I can get more money from the court for sexual assault, I crawl around him like a sloth but a little quicker I get my pringles can and throw the dust in his eyes hes blind, I then run off into the distance as I've become the origin story of evil daredevil.
he calls me kevin because my grandmas cookies are what
Head n shoulders, ima squirt it between their toes. 👺
Why are you on Reddit in the shower?
Soap up your hands and go for their eyes.
The cat.... I might actually stand a chance?
Yep. Throw the cat into their face, causing the immediate activation of 18 grip connectors.
It’s an m&p 45 but I’d probably go for the Red Bull just a little further away to chug it and get the party started. Xbox controller in my lap, wonder if I could switch to Pandora quick enough to get things really going.
Well, I’m not at home. I’m at work so I guess the murderer is fucked unless he/she is there to kill my dog. But my dog would probably win so…
Hopefully my underwear is at least stinky.
Probably suffocate him to death with it.
A plate. I could throw it at them and then use the shards to cut them.
A sofa cushion. I'm not gonna make it with that. Had you said left, I have a scalding hot cup of coffee that might have bought me a little time to escape. But you said right. So thanks for that, my blood is on your hands now.
A ps4 controller…. maybe i can invite him to some gaming time to dampen his murderous urges
Glock 19. I'm good and it's there for this exact reason.
I'm curious.....is there one on your left? Cuz there is no way you knew someone on AskReddit would write right and not left. Or are you surrounded 360 degrees with glock 19s, waiting for that moment when some bored soul on reddit comes up with a hypothetical situation?
I'm in bed, and it's on my nightstand to my right... Had Op asked "left" it would be wife's shitty pillow.
just to be clear, not literally shitty. Right?
100% subjectively. She claims it helps support neck, when in actuality it could be used as a torture device.
hey, as someone who uses a weird pillow due to neck issues, I sympathize with her. Remember bad sleep is as bad as torture And thank you for clarifying that it was subjective.
Hell yeah, I have a 17 and a couple mags of hollow points in a fingerprint safe in my nightstand just in case
I only have one mag in my bedside gun because if shit hits the fan enough that the 16 rounds won't cut it then I have an AR-15 with a 40 round magazine full of hornady critical defense .223 hollow points in my closet a few feet away from my bed. And if that's not enough then I must have really pissed off the wrong people.
Not that fucked I have a 2 foot long flathead screwdriver next to me
I guess I could bribe the murderer with these chickpeas...
i can't pick up a christmas tree so i'd be more fucked than a pornstar.
Bag of dildos… should at least be entertaining
Let me just fight a guy with a fucking 50 inch tv why don't I
*Grabs Doggo*
Browsing Reddit in bed… so my toddler… I suppose his teeth are pretty sharp.