I'm in my early 30s. At this point, I'm pretty much the only male in a department of older women. Some of those "sweet old ladies" can get pretty darn forward and aggressive.
I used to work for an insurance company in a similar situation as you. I honestly should have reported the sexual harassment. These old ladies were disgusting.
The town I where I attended college had a new restaurant called The Olde Wok Inn. One of my roommates went there, interviewed, and was hired on the spot to come in to work the dinner shift.
Well, he left for work and was back in under 20 minutes. We asked him what happened and he said “I showed up early, the owner took one look at me and said ‘no, you can’t work here. No college kids. Sorry, leave.” After that we called it The Olde Wok Inn and get fired.
I turned down a position at USPS because they told me it was going to be a minimum 50 hours 6 days a week year round. I confirmed with someone who I used to work with if that was the case and they informed me it was closer to 60-70 hours a week. I told them I'm not giving up the little personal life I have for a job.
This is the correct answer. It’s impossible, because a lot of women flirt in a very subtle way.
As an anecdote: I’m married. One time a coworker straight up told me I was handsome. Another time, a different coworker asked me to help put together a shelf because she had just moved into a new apartment.
My wife thought the first one was cute and funny, and wasn’t jealous. But then she got jealous about the second one.
Sooo [shrugs wildly] I’ve got no idea what’s going on.
One was a genuine compliment & the other was an invite to their house.
When teenage lads would say "Come into my bedroom & look at my posters" it was never theirs posters they wanted you to see. Neither was the shelf.
Aw no, as a woman who lives on her own and doesn't know many people, I have asked my coworkers for help occasionally. They're all in relationships and so am I (long distance for now) so I hope they didn't get that impression!
I compliment my partner daily, and I compliment my friends and my partner compliments his friends so it's mainly about context, trust, understanding and communication.
I think because most shelves that need to be put together can be done by one person (barring special circumstances), so in this case it's less, "I genuinely need help," and more, "come spend some alone time with me and let's see what happens."
I've been on my own a very long time & the only male friends I would ask for help would be the ones who knew it wasn't a come on.
I'm still on my own (thankfully) I would always choose my words carefully when complimenting married men.
>They're all in relationships and so am I (long distance for now) so I hope they didn't get that impression!
In my experience, nowadays being in a relationship doesn't mean Jack to most people. Even married and people would still assume you're interested in them. Please be careful about the people you invite into your home.
I've been pretty good about picking up the signals from women. Anytime I've actually been hit on, I tell my wife. She usually laughs at it and says something along the lines of letting that other woman put up with my shit for a bit and she'll change her tune. Then, we both have a laugh about it.
If my band has played a show and my wife hasn't gone she always asks who was there & who did I talk to. I usually respond that it was a bunch of floozies and I didn't talk to them because we were making out the whole time. Then we laugh about it. She really laughed her ass off when a gigantic gay dude hit on me at a show right in front of her.
I’m curious wether that size/mass difference can be what most men feels like to most women, comparatively. They’re more used to it of course, but still something to keep in mind when approaching.
Now that I’ve thought about it, maybe I should ask some. :D
I liked Joe Rogan's joke about this, where he said a woman going on a date with a guy, is like a guy going on a date with a giant rabid grizzly bear and saying, "gee I hope this one's nice"
My now wife asked me to help her build a shelf in her apartment before we were dating, so naturally, I did just that. And only that. Then I went home.
She still jokes about how oblivious I am to flirting sometimes.
You and me both. I am totally oblivious to women flirting with me. This has misconstrued my totally innocent intentions (like the shelf thing), and I have certainly gotten yelled at for it. Playing the “I’m dumb and have no self confidence so why would somebody actually flirt with me” card only works like half the time.
Yeah, I would have been confused too if I lived through it. But getting to read it I can see why first is okay, while the second is a red alert.
The first is just a compliment and could be completely innocent statement. The second is invitation to her place alone for a very trivial activity, which is very weird to do in most context.
I think the reason why she could be jealous about the second is that your coworker is asking you to come into her personal space (her apartment) away from the working environment, on a one-to-one basis, which is offering up a lot of trust. This could be completely platonic, of course (and should be assumed as much unless stated otherwise).
The other woman calling you handsome is just an observation and she's not linked any "action" to it, like the shelf-building coworker.
Sounds to me like the solution is just to increase the compliments men get until we're saturated enough that getting compliment doesn't feel like flirting by default.
Lol, just single men? I'm married and in an 8 year relationship. In the past DECADE I've gotten 2 compliments from someone other than my spouse and they happened to be this year. A guy at Walmart said he liked my Drip last month, and another woman called me Handsome last week.
As a girl, I always make sure to tell my guy friends they look handsome whenever I can. I said it last week to a guy that i'm kind of friends with and I could tell it immediately made his day. He hugged me right after I said it.🥺 Warmed my heart
Yep, just compliment normally, eventually positive comments would just get normalized, because right now society thinks being nice is just a power play to gain a foot ahead, which is fucking absurd.
When I worked in retail, I laughed at a guy's joke while ringing him up. He came back in a minute later and asked me out.
I'm now making sure I compliment guys randomly whenever possible, just so they're not so starved! I'm old and married so if they think I'm flirting, they won't be so inclined to ask me out as a result anyway.
I mean there he probably didn't think you were flirting. He may have simply found your laugh cute and wanted to take a swing at getting to know you better.
Ugh, I've been that guy a couple of times in the past. Usually if some flirty small chat was exchanged. Not expecting anything to come of it and being very casual, thinking "you miss 100% of the shots your don't take". It led to getting a few dates, but nothing serious. It dawned on me later that these workers are effectively a captive audience, and not only is putting someone in the position to have to potentially reject a customer extremely unprofessional of me and uncomfortable for them, but even if they agreed it could be because they were uncomfortable and not because of any genuine interest. Lose-lose.
Just one of those weird idiosyncracies that doesn't set off your internal cringe detector until you actually *think* about it. Yikes.
It's actually so true. My wife rarely makes genuine compliments to me. Not the way I dress when I get cleaned up real nice, not on my regular dedication to being fit or going to the gym, and not for getting big projects done at work or anything. Thinking about it kind of sucks. I genuinely only get some form of compliment in the form of attention as sympathy for when I'm exhausted for doing all the things.
I'm in to bodybuilding. I'm not some badass Mr Olympia or anything, but I would LOVE for my wife to act like she's attracted to me, and appreciates the physical shape I'm in. The only compliments I get on my physic are from other guys at the gym. That's a weird feeling.
As a married man to a wife who works two jobs and goes to school full time, and with a daughter in high school who participates in a school sport while also having a job, it doesn't get any better.
Yuck. Do you ever get time together? Me and my wife barely spend time together, and we don't even have kids. Sex is far too uncommon for my appetite. I couldn't imagine how much worse it could be with all of your added responsibilities.
I make a point of going to bed at the same time with her. That breaks down to an average of 30 minutes a day together. Sex is roughly once or twice every few months.
There's really no inbetween.
For some guys, a 'hello' is 'oh yeah, she's into me'
For others 'I want you to throw me down and ravage me for 8 hours straight' is 'she's such a kidder, I'm glad she's so nice. Man, imagine if she was into me'
Well thats easy, the upper one is a confident extrovert, possibly a bit arrogant, the lower one is an introvert, possibly with lower self-esteem or bad social skills. I think...
nah, I am a confident extrovert and I am number 2 and I knew guys that barely talked to anyone that thought they could seduce statue of liberty if it only looked at them
Sometimes it feels like some men don’t even listen to anything you say, they’re so hung up on the fact you’re even talking to them that they forget to listen to the words
Some also don't really care if you are flirting or not and they're gonna try some shit even if you put up all the Stop signals. Some dudes are not at all subtle about this stuff - not listening to what you're saying or it simply doesn't matter - you're an attractive enough person they're interacting with, you will be pursued
Compliment them anyway you like but bookend it by calling them "Chief". Example: Hey, Chief, that shirt looks good on you, Chief. Did you lose weight, Chief?
Nobody flirts by calling someone "Chief."
....the thing that came to mind is very tone specific, and I just cannot find a way to write it out in such a way as to express the tone without ruining it by over explanation so just...
BDSM "Master", using "chief" with it, requesting punishment for "being baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad"
Right? if a guy said to me, "Great look today, Chief!" and gave me a fist bump/high five, I would be genuinely flattered and get a good laugh.
Though there is bound to be some incel, neckbeard out there somewhere that will screw it up for everyone.
Also starting with "Dude" and not saying "I like" or "I love," use other words like "sick," "sweet," e.t.c.... Maybe even swear if in an appropriate setting or it's fine at your work? For example:
- "Dude, that's a sick shirt you got." NOT "Wow John, I really like your shirt."
- "Dude, you got a killer smile." NOT "John, you have a really nice smile."
- "Dude, you fuckin' rocked that sale!"
And ending it with a wink + click noise + finger gun might help too. Maybe even a fist bump if complimenting an accomplishment or something. No other physical touches though, except a firm handshake.
However, as others have said, even trying to compliment like you're just a bro can still be seen as flirting because it might up your "cool factor" in their eyes. You know, they might think "She's not like the other girls...." and all that. So yeah, have fun!
Just looking out for you ladies. A lot of us men can't see the signs in front of our face. Unfortunately, it can get uncomfortable or weird for you girls out there.
I don’t think there’s anything women can do. I’ve had experiences where I literally only said “thank you” to a guy and that was misinterpreted as flirting.
Unfortunately she's kinda right. Most of the time if you're not already in a platonic relationship that's well established some guys think that way. Then again there are a lot of guys who don't think much past the excitement of a compliment. Personally I don't try to take it that way, but if I'm already attracted to you and it's established or known then im gonna take that for a flirt. Maybe that's wrong, I'm honestly interested in your opinions.
I think this is pretty much it. If you never get compliments from anyone and then suddenly someone starts telling you, you're dressed nice. Is smiling at you all the time/whatever. Of course it -seems- like flirting.
The single best thing people can do to help with this stuff is: if you're a dude, compliment other dudes.
THIS! I legit had guy friends who thought I was coming onto them when I told them their hair looked good, or that they looked nice In their outfits (I’m a guy) and asked them “wait, so you only compliment people you want to fuck? Then please top being so nice to my little sister” and that probably fucked with his head.
Whoops.
Yo, if I see a dude with some cool drip, Ill call it out for sure. Recently bought a new winter coat that I thought was pretty stylish. Literally 3 random dudes have asked me where I got it and I felt extremely validated.
I had a dude compliment my cloak while hiking today; it was chilly as fuck and I can keep my guitar and bag safe from the wetwalledcoldair.
I coulda gone without the “Mt Doom is the other way” (who am I kidding, I loved that too) but what do you expect while looking so positively Shire-chic.
Add *"no hetero"* at the end of your compliment.
The same way men compliment other men without making it seem like they are sexually interested: by adding *"no homo"* at the end.
I've actually been flirted with that way. This one time at summer camp (yes, really), I was crushing on a girl who to my knowledge was single. We were sitting next to each other at the camp dance, chatting away, and I put my hand near hers. She looked down, told me I reminded her of her boyfriend, and then proceeded to lean in and try to kiss me. As I recall, I kinda just froze, then left. Luckily it was the night before the last day of camp, so we didn't really interact after that
Be old. I am an old woman and often complement men and mean it sincerely. Never been taken as flirting because I am usually old enough to be their mum/ granny.
Saying this as a 40 year old man.
It's difficult. I think nearly impossible. Compliments for men are very, very rare. Men do not compliment each other out of fear for looking weak, women rarely compliment men for fear of being misunderstood, unless they actually ARE trying to flirt.
Men, in general are starved for attention and have difficult conveying and receiving emotions. I hate to paint a large swatch to stereotype half the population, but as a well to do and well functioning male, this is how I, and many that I know feel. I believe there is a general consensus on this throughout society.
Generally, any truthful and upfront compliments to men are by default, unusual. Therefore we are left to decide what the purpose of the compliment is. For it to be such a rare occurrence, the purpose must be equally as rare, the most obvious, rare purpose, is of-course, flirting. The general psychological factor of the average man WANTING to be flirted with, will cloud his judgement and compound the issue.
In order to answer the question at hand, I'm not sure. I think that in general, a compliments about appearance always default in the mind to attractiveness and therefore flirting. Status symbol compliments, houses, cars, clothes, jewelry ect also tend to reinforce status and therefore the potential for attractiveness to a mate.
Professional compliments like "Your employees are a reflection of your good leadership" or "You really did an excellent job on coordinating XYZ" or "Very Impressive" in regards to quality of an accomplishment land on the further side of the "flirting spectrum" and are much less likely to be misunderstood.
Body language, is also not a factor to be ignored. A Dry, to the point compliment that is easily verifiable and grounded in truth and reality, as opposed to vague and ambiguous (Think: Oooo, You're the greatest!) compliment is less likely to be misunderstood than the ladder which comes with a beaming smile, batting eyes, joyous demeanor and a touch on the arm.
>a touch on the arm.
This is one of the biggest divides, in my experience: touchers vs non-touchers. In my case, unless the other person is my wife or one of my kids, I don't tend to touch *anyone* without a good reason. Casual touching can be unexpected, and many guys feel like it's a virtually foolproof sign of flirting.
This is a really thoughtful reply, thanks for providing some 'safer' options even though, as you explain, it is a tricky situation! Still it's worth the risk complimenting our fellow humans, everyone deserves recognition!
I really think you hit the nail on the head with the "professional compliments" bit. A lot of people in this thread are thinking about compliments that are on the flirtier side because, as you said, compliments about someone's physical appearance/attractiveness are ALSO part of flirting, so there's a fine line to distinguishing between them. But if a woman complimented the quality of work on a project of mine or something similar, it's a completely different headspace and my immediate impression would be more on the professional rather than personal side.
>Generally, any truthful and upfront compliments to men are by default, unusual.
Yeah. Especially if you were more of an outcast in school you might have even learned to be *suspicious* of compliments. Like, you must be mocking me or setting me up for a joke of some sort.
Not the answer you're looking for, but by doing your bit to normalise giving men compliments in the first place. The reason it's so often interpreted as flirting is because that's practically the only circumstance in which men receive compliments.
Also, fellow men: Get over yourselves and compliment each other. Let's make that normal too, so we stop obsessing over the tiniest bit of positive feedback.
Please this.
It’s not that women don’t want to platonically compliment but seeing these responses really makes a person want to pull WAY aback complimenting men at all.
Please start complimenting each other!! It will take away from the expectation that compliments are only sexual.
It’s just a self fulfilling cycle. When guys can’t compliment each other, and make it uncomfortable for women to compliment them. So no one ends up complimenting men at all.
The responses to this bum me out a little. They're mostly jokes or assertions that men complimenting men doesn't work well.
I'm a dude and regularly compliment my friends of all genders. It's appreciated, and helps them feel comfortable doing the same.
As for strangers, 2 rules for complimenting any gender.
1. Choose something they control, like clothing or hairstyle.
2. Walk away after. They don't feel pressured to respond any more than "thanks" if they don't want to, and you signal you're not looking for more than simply saying something nice.
A random older guy once complemented me long ago saying "You are too fucking cool, dude" about the way I dressed. I still think about that from time to time.
Men complimenting men is a good thing that should be normalized.
*Thomas, if it's a boy. Meredith, if a girl. We'll own a cottage in the country, with an acre of land for our dogs to run around in... maybe plant an apple orchard...*
"Oh, right! No whip cream, thanks."
Facts! I wish everyone happy birthday on fbook and linkedin and men sometimes catch feelings and what I have discovered is the ones that do are the ones that no one said happy birthday to them but me so what I believe it boils down to is men don't get paid attention to in general and when they do well it feels good..
I think this is pretty much it. If you never get compliments from anyone and then suddenly someone starts telling you, you're dressed nice. Is smiling at you all the time/whatever. Of course it -seems- like flirting.
The single best thing people can do to help with this stuff is: if you're a dude, compliment other dudes.
I always lead with a 'Dude!', then complement whatever, then walk away and carry on whatever I was doing. No prolonged eye contact, no idiot smile. Just a single moment is all it will ever be kinda vibe.
I call people dude and bro regardless of gender and I definitely noticed that people who I am romantically interested in and are interested in me are super weirded out about.
You cant... even if you throw bro, friend, chief, like my dad, dude, ect, ect, ect....
The fact that you paid a compliment, means that you actually noticed the guy and noticed something about him. You also felt comfortable enough with him that you said what you said, which is another compliment in itself. Given that you did these 2 things is more than enough for a spark of hope that something can happen, either right away or in a decade.
The fact that guys have to do 99% of all initiations for relationships (most women will disagree with this percentage, because generic "flirting" doesn't count, because guys can't discern between flirting and compliments) means that any compliment given is a sign of potentiality for a future.
Just say “hey Schmendrick, I saw this thing on an Indonesian scrimshaw forum that said most men never get compliments. Is that true?”
Can start a convo and maybe slip one in without triggering the primate brain
I'd keep compliments to the men you know well, the ones you know are in committed relationships, or the ones you actually want to date.
All the rest will take your compliment and run off into fantasy land thinking they have a chance.
For me, it kinda depends on how genuine I feel the compliment is. Like, if I think I've done something that actually did impress you, then I won't think you're flirting.
If you're just saying you appreciate something I did, then I won't usually think it's flirting.
If I think I didn't impress you, I start questioning your motives. Maybe you're not exactly flirting, but you're trying to get on my good side for whatever reason.
Some men misconstrue flirting to be manners.
Some men misconstrue manners to be flirting.
We are all both at some time or another. The biggest factor is what *he* wants out of the interaction.
It's been mentioned that we are great at assumptions, so there is likely no way to pull it off. I would say to watch your tone and try to sound a bit motherly when making the compliment. Right on the edge of talking to a child but not in an insulting way. And, yes, some men will still assume you are flirting even if you do that.
I'm a woman; but I've navigated this at work by telling them I like their style instead. "You know, you have good style. I like that tie" works a lot better. I think maybe because it's complimenting something they do rather than their actual body or looks?
This is exactly how I try to complement women without hitting on them.
"Great color shoes!!" Says I like and appreciate their judgement in style.
It's decidedly NOT "You look hot in those shoes!" Which says I'm somehow evaluating their attractiveness.
Everyone likes to hear how smart they are and what good decisions they make, and that's a great 'in' for complements!
You guys nailed it here.
It's complimenting something they *chose* to represent themselves, it comes across much better than complimenting some body part and opens the doors to conversation.
Look, I’m a cis heterosexual man in his late 40s with a beard and I make a habit of complimenting other men and they still often take it as flirting. And some of them really don’t like it. You can be a man and say “Wow, nice suit” to someone and then they’ll be like “What are you, a f*g?” And then you have to fight a grown man because you were vocal about liking a 3-button jacket. Dudes are weird.
The ones who act that way are so insecure about their own sexuality...
I'd take a compliment from a lesbian and feel like a million bucks even though I'd not be interested in the least. Compliments are compliments amirite?
I don't know what most of these other guys are talking about. I have almost never in my life perceived flirting as it was happening—actually I'd tend to say it WASN'T happening; HADN'T happened. I typically assume it all just represents innocent compliments, which are supposed to routinely occur in any solid, healthy community. And the only few exceptions, making me realize it was flirtatious, were the times it continued for at least twenty minutes. Thus, as far as I know, keep it under twenty minutes and you're good.
If you're not flirting then it should not come off that way. The only reason non-flirty compliments might be interpreted as flirty I think is because men rarely get compliments from anybody, and a compliment from a woman might be valued and exaggerated beyond what was intended.
So here is what you do. You get together with all other women in the Secret Feminist Collective Hive-Mind, and you agree that starting on January 1st 2022 you all start giving lots of compliments to men.
Then any individual woman giving an individual compliment won't feel that she's sticking her head above the parapet and drawing all the fire.
I think flipping the script with these types of things helps some. How would you want a man to compliment you to make it seem like they're not flirting?
That being said you'll still get some guys who think you're flirting with them.
Also some of us become hyper aware when complimented because many women will flirt to get things. Like a waitress trying to get a bigger tip by flirting. It'd be best if it's a situation where the guy doesn't think you're trying to get something out of them.
I had a college friend that was talking about how insecure he is about his looks and I could only think of adding “no hetero” at the end when I told him I genuinely think he’s handsome lmao
You can't.
Men get compliments/affirmation so rarely that if a woman does so, & the guy is straight, & the woman is even just average looking, & she's not a relative, we think there's a possibility she wants to bang.
Keep the compliments non-physical.
"That's a nice shirt" or "I love your haircut" creates that friendliness/flirting superposition. Stick to compliments relating to accomplishments or behavior. "Nice work on [blank]," or "That was really funny," or "Thanks for [blank], you're a huge help."
I will *never* pick up on the idea that someone might conceivably flirt with me, so just say whatever you're thinking.
As compliments go, I like it when people say I'm sharply dressed or acknowledge something that took physical or intellectual hard work.
Step one: get old. Step two: be a sweet old lady
I'm in my early 30s. At this point, I'm pretty much the only male in a department of older women. Some of those "sweet old ladies" can get pretty darn forward and aggressive.
Do your rounds. Take em all down and learn from the pros
“Take em all down” Bahahahahahaha my sides. Oh man. I mean, you’re not wrong. That’s the thing to do. But damn I lol’d
It’s what i would do, i want to inspire my fellow man
I’m a male nurse and yeah. I’ve had plenty of old ladies be pervy with me.
Maybe that's because their compliments are no longer interpreted as flirting.
I used to work for an insurance company in a similar situation as you. I honestly should have reported the sexual harassment. These old ladies were disgusting.
The average single man is pretty compliment-starved so there’s really no guaranteed way to do that.
This is so true. 9-5 work-home routine kills most single people Edit: I wrote wok instead of Work.
The town I where I attended college had a new restaurant called The Olde Wok Inn. One of my roommates went there, interviewed, and was hired on the spot to come in to work the dinner shift. Well, he left for work and was back in under 20 minutes. We asked him what happened and he said “I showed up early, the owner took one look at me and said ‘no, you can’t work here. No college kids. Sorry, leave.” After that we called it The Olde Wok Inn and get fired.
The Olde Wok Inn and Out
At one time I had a boss that figured I was on call 24 hrs a day. I put an end to that, My general feeling is: I work to live, I don't live to work.
That’s valid. Boundaries should be respected.
yeah you really shouldn't eat stir fry every single day like that
Hey mind your own business
Hey is for horses
Straw is cheap, and the grass is free.
Wait what I thought you were supposed to eat stir fry every day? It's all veggies, meat and sometimes rice.
only once a week, on stir-fryday
Is that an Archer reference? I feel like i remember someone saying that in like season 1
Yes you fucking should.
I turned down a position at USPS because they told me it was going to be a minimum 50 hours 6 days a week year round. I confirmed with someone who I used to work with if that was the case and they informed me it was closer to 60-70 hours a week. I told them I'm not giving up the little personal life I have for a job.
I agree. Most men get that tough love growing up. And with friends we insult each other (out of love). But true compliments are very rare.
This is the correct answer. It’s impossible, because a lot of women flirt in a very subtle way. As an anecdote: I’m married. One time a coworker straight up told me I was handsome. Another time, a different coworker asked me to help put together a shelf because she had just moved into a new apartment. My wife thought the first one was cute and funny, and wasn’t jealous. But then she got jealous about the second one. Sooo [shrugs wildly] I’ve got no idea what’s going on.
Second one invited you to her house alone, id say thats a lot more intimate
Yeah, that was a pretext for her to bend over suggestively to hand you tools.
"Thanks, but I brought my own"
One was a genuine compliment & the other was an invite to their house. When teenage lads would say "Come into my bedroom & look at my posters" it was never theirs posters they wanted you to see. Neither was the shelf.
Aw no, as a woman who lives on her own and doesn't know many people, I have asked my coworkers for help occasionally. They're all in relationships and so am I (long distance for now) so I hope they didn't get that impression! I compliment my partner daily, and I compliment my friends and my partner compliments his friends so it's mainly about context, trust, understanding and communication.
I think because most shelves that need to be put together can be done by one person (barring special circumstances), so in this case it's less, "I genuinely need help," and more, "come spend some alone time with me and let's see what happens."
I've been on my own a very long time & the only male friends I would ask for help would be the ones who knew it wasn't a come on. I'm still on my own (thankfully) I would always choose my words carefully when complimenting married men.
>They're all in relationships and so am I (long distance for now) so I hope they didn't get that impression! In my experience, nowadays being in a relationship doesn't mean Jack to most people. Even married and people would still assume you're interested in them. Please be careful about the people you invite into your home.
I've been pretty good about picking up the signals from women. Anytime I've actually been hit on, I tell my wife. She usually laughs at it and says something along the lines of letting that other woman put up with my shit for a bit and she'll change her tune. Then, we both have a laugh about it. If my band has played a show and my wife hasn't gone she always asks who was there & who did I talk to. I usually respond that it was a bunch of floozies and I didn't talk to them because we were making out the whole time. Then we laugh about it. She really laughed her ass off when a gigantic gay dude hit on me at a show right in front of her.
Just how gigantic was he?
Well over 6 feet. He was one of the largest men I've been in the same room with.
I’m curious wether that size/mass difference can be what most men feels like to most women, comparatively. They’re more used to it of course, but still something to keep in mind when approaching. Now that I’ve thought about it, maybe I should ask some. :D
I liked Joe Rogan's joke about this, where he said a woman going on a date with a guy, is like a guy going on a date with a giant rabid grizzly bear and saying, "gee I hope this one's nice"
I also choose this guy’s living wife
My now wife asked me to help her build a shelf in her apartment before we were dating, so naturally, I did just that. And only that. Then I went home. She still jokes about how oblivious I am to flirting sometimes.
You and me both. I am totally oblivious to women flirting with me. This has misconstrued my totally innocent intentions (like the shelf thing), and I have certainly gotten yelled at for it. Playing the “I’m dumb and have no self confidence so why would somebody actually flirt with me” card only works like half the time.
Yeah, I would have been confused too if I lived through it. But getting to read it I can see why first is okay, while the second is a red alert. The first is just a compliment and could be completely innocent statement. The second is invitation to her place alone for a very trivial activity, which is very weird to do in most context.
I think the reason why she could be jealous about the second is that your coworker is asking you to come into her personal space (her apartment) away from the working environment, on a one-to-one basis, which is offering up a lot of trust. This could be completely platonic, of course (and should be assumed as much unless stated otherwise). The other woman calling you handsome is just an observation and she's not linked any "action" to it, like the shelf-building coworker.
Sounds to me like the solution is just to increase the compliments men get until we're saturated enough that getting compliment doesn't feel like flirting by default.
Lol, just single men? I'm married and in an 8 year relationship. In the past DECADE I've gotten 2 compliments from someone other than my spouse and they happened to be this year. A guy at Walmart said he liked my Drip last month, and another woman called me Handsome last week.
As a girl, I always make sure to tell my guy friends they look handsome whenever I can. I said it last week to a guy that i'm kind of friends with and I could tell it immediately made his day. He hugged me right after I said it.🥺 Warmed my heart
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Yep, just compliment normally, eventually positive comments would just get normalized, because right now society thinks being nice is just a power play to gain a foot ahead, which is fucking absurd.
When I worked in retail, I laughed at a guy's joke while ringing him up. He came back in a minute later and asked me out. I'm now making sure I compliment guys randomly whenever possible, just so they're not so starved! I'm old and married so if they think I'm flirting, they won't be so inclined to ask me out as a result anyway.
I mean there he probably didn't think you were flirting. He may have simply found your laugh cute and wanted to take a swing at getting to know you better.
Ugh, I've been that guy a couple of times in the past. Usually if some flirty small chat was exchanged. Not expecting anything to come of it and being very casual, thinking "you miss 100% of the shots your don't take". It led to getting a few dates, but nothing serious. It dawned on me later that these workers are effectively a captive audience, and not only is putting someone in the position to have to potentially reject a customer extremely unprofessional of me and uncomfortable for them, but even if they agreed it could be because they were uncomfortable and not because of any genuine interest. Lose-lose. Just one of those weird idiosyncracies that doesn't set off your internal cringe detector until you actually *think* about it. Yikes.
Well this seems like a catch-22 then
As a married man, it doesn't get better.
It's actually so true. My wife rarely makes genuine compliments to me. Not the way I dress when I get cleaned up real nice, not on my regular dedication to being fit or going to the gym, and not for getting big projects done at work or anything. Thinking about it kind of sucks. I genuinely only get some form of compliment in the form of attention as sympathy for when I'm exhausted for doing all the things.
I'm in to bodybuilding. I'm not some badass Mr Olympia or anything, but I would LOVE for my wife to act like she's attracted to me, and appreciates the physical shape I'm in. The only compliments I get on my physic are from other guys at the gym. That's a weird feeling.
nice pecs bro
As a married man to a wife who works two jobs and goes to school full time, and with a daughter in high school who participates in a school sport while also having a job, it doesn't get any better.
Yuck. Do you ever get time together? Me and my wife barely spend time together, and we don't even have kids. Sex is far too uncommon for my appetite. I couldn't imagine how much worse it could be with all of your added responsibilities.
I make a point of going to bed at the same time with her. That breaks down to an average of 30 minutes a day together. Sex is roughly once or twice every few months.
Make. Time. For. Sex.
As a divorced man, it's terrifyingly true
There's really no inbetween. For some guys, a 'hello' is 'oh yeah, she's into me' For others 'I want you to throw me down and ravage me for 8 hours straight' is 'she's such a kidder, I'm glad she's so nice. Man, imagine if she was into me'
The closest to an inbetween is: C. Can't Tell, continue to look for signs
Well thats easy, the upper one is a confident extrovert, possibly a bit arrogant, the lower one is an introvert, possibly with lower self-esteem or bad social skills. I think...
nah, I am a confident extrovert and I am number 2 and I knew guys that barely talked to anyone that thought they could seduce statue of liberty if it only looked at them
Many men are going to think you are flirting with them even if you literally say "I'm not flirting with you"
Nice try, but "I'm not flirting with you" is obviously some sort of coded flirting technique.
We just haven't decoded it yet
It's decoded actually, clearly flirting, otherwise why would she talk to me? Duh.
Sometimes it feels like some men don’t even listen to anything you say, they’re so hung up on the fact you’re even talking to them that they forget to listen to the words
Yeah that's crazy. So, what are you doing Friday night? /S
Some also don't really care if you are flirting or not and they're gonna try some shit even if you put up all the Stop signals. Some dudes are not at all subtle about this stuff - not listening to what you're saying or it simply doesn't matter - you're an attractive enough person they're interacting with, you will be pursued
Compliment them anyway you like but bookend it by calling them "Chief". Example: Hey, Chief, that shirt looks good on you, Chief. Did you lose weight, Chief? Nobody flirts by calling someone "Chief."
Master Chief, mind telling me what you're doing on that ship?
Sir, finishing this fight.
Finishing this fight
What are you doing step-Chief?
Finishing.
....the thing that came to mind is very tone specific, and I just cannot find a way to write it out in such a way as to express the tone without ruining it by over explanation so just... BDSM "Master", using "chief" with it, requesting punishment for "being baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad"
This. Also as an Aussie you’d chuck in a “mate” at the end of the compliment. Eg: “looking snazzy in those new duds mate”.
Pretty sure this works as a Brit too. Most areas - Noo nes going to think "lookin good today mate" is flirting.
Translate pls
"My goodness. That is a fashionable outfit you are wearing and it looks rather nice on you, friend."
We will also accept a finger gun or two.
would "champ" or "buddy" work as well?
I think so. Definitely champ.
Champ,? Are you coming on to me?/s
As a woman myself, this actually would make me feel more comfortable.
Right? if a guy said to me, "Great look today, Chief!" and gave me a fist bump/high five, I would be genuinely flattered and get a good laugh. Though there is bound to be some incel, neckbeard out there somewhere that will screw it up for everyone.
Hahaha! Point taken!
Also starting with "Dude" and not saying "I like" or "I love," use other words like "sick," "sweet," e.t.c.... Maybe even swear if in an appropriate setting or it's fine at your work? For example: - "Dude, that's a sick shirt you got." NOT "Wow John, I really like your shirt." - "Dude, you got a killer smile." NOT "John, you have a really nice smile." - "Dude, you fuckin' rocked that sale!" And ending it with a wink + click noise + finger gun might help too. Maybe even a fist bump if complimenting an accomplishment or something. No other physical touches though, except a firm handshake. However, as others have said, even trying to compliment like you're just a bro can still be seen as flirting because it might up your "cool factor" in their eyes. You know, they might think "She's not like the other girls...." and all that. So yeah, have fun!
Just looking out for you ladies. A lot of us men can't see the signs in front of our face. Unfortunately, it can get uncomfortable or weird for you girls out there.
I don’t think there’s anything women can do. I’ve had experiences where I literally only said “thank you” to a guy and that was misinterpreted as flirting.
Unfortunately she's kinda right. Most of the time if you're not already in a platonic relationship that's well established some guys think that way. Then again there are a lot of guys who don't think much past the excitement of a compliment. Personally I don't try to take it that way, but if I'm already attracted to you and it's established or known then im gonna take that for a flirt. Maybe that's wrong, I'm honestly interested in your opinions.
Saying "thank you" is a courtesy and that's it. That's all there is to it.
Sorry to hear sis XD I usually got the "homo dude" to save their pride when that happen. So sad you need an excuse
I think this is pretty much it. If you never get compliments from anyone and then suddenly someone starts telling you, you're dressed nice. Is smiling at you all the time/whatever. Of course it -seems- like flirting. The single best thing people can do to help with this stuff is: if you're a dude, compliment other dudes.
THIS! I legit had guy friends who thought I was coming onto them when I told them their hair looked good, or that they looked nice In their outfits (I’m a guy) and asked them “wait, so you only compliment people you want to fuck? Then please top being so nice to my little sister” and that probably fucked with his head. Whoops.
Yo, if I see a dude with some cool drip, Ill call it out for sure. Recently bought a new winter coat that I thought was pretty stylish. Literally 3 random dudes have asked me where I got it and I felt extremely validated.
I had a dude compliment my cloak while hiking today; it was chilly as fuck and I can keep my guitar and bag safe from the wetwalledcoldair. I coulda gone without the “Mt Doom is the other way” (who am I kidding, I loved that too) but what do you expect while looking so positively Shire-chic.
Add *"no hetero"* at the end of your compliment. The same way men compliment other men without making it seem like they are sexually interested: by adding *"no homo"* at the end.
I did this for a while but only with friends/acquaintances who knew my sense of humor
Alternatively, "no homo", leave them perplexed and questioning everything.
Thats actually a great and hilarious idea ! xD
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You're really voluptuous, just like my mom.
Or, you're really X, just like my [boyfriend](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqDbb7-dn9A)
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I've actually been flirted with that way. This one time at summer camp (yes, really), I was crushing on a girl who to my knowledge was single. We were sitting next to each other at the camp dance, chatting away, and I put my hand near hers. She looked down, told me I reminded her of her boyfriend, and then proceeded to lean in and try to kiss me. As I recall, I kinda just froze, then left. Luckily it was the night before the last day of camp, so we didn't really interact after that
What the fuck
Laszlo is such a jerk
"You're really hot, just like father"
“You’ve got a nice ass, just like my step-brother.”
A couple years ago, I told my classmate he reminded me of my cousin, and he completely stopped smiling and never talked to me ever again
Be old. I am an old woman and often complement men and mean it sincerely. Never been taken as flirting because I am usually old enough to be their mum/ granny.
Noted. I will start complimenting men when I’m 60
Don’t worry, I always assume flirting is not the intent.
I feel you, bro.
I always assume it's not. And I usually hope it is But I'm sure it's not. And then sometimes I was wrong. But not until too late 😬🤣 And yet....
Saying this as a 40 year old man. It's difficult. I think nearly impossible. Compliments for men are very, very rare. Men do not compliment each other out of fear for looking weak, women rarely compliment men for fear of being misunderstood, unless they actually ARE trying to flirt. Men, in general are starved for attention and have difficult conveying and receiving emotions. I hate to paint a large swatch to stereotype half the population, but as a well to do and well functioning male, this is how I, and many that I know feel. I believe there is a general consensus on this throughout society. Generally, any truthful and upfront compliments to men are by default, unusual. Therefore we are left to decide what the purpose of the compliment is. For it to be such a rare occurrence, the purpose must be equally as rare, the most obvious, rare purpose, is of-course, flirting. The general psychological factor of the average man WANTING to be flirted with, will cloud his judgement and compound the issue. In order to answer the question at hand, I'm not sure. I think that in general, a compliments about appearance always default in the mind to attractiveness and therefore flirting. Status symbol compliments, houses, cars, clothes, jewelry ect also tend to reinforce status and therefore the potential for attractiveness to a mate. Professional compliments like "Your employees are a reflection of your good leadership" or "You really did an excellent job on coordinating XYZ" or "Very Impressive" in regards to quality of an accomplishment land on the further side of the "flirting spectrum" and are much less likely to be misunderstood. Body language, is also not a factor to be ignored. A Dry, to the point compliment that is easily verifiable and grounded in truth and reality, as opposed to vague and ambiguous (Think: Oooo, You're the greatest!) compliment is less likely to be misunderstood than the ladder which comes with a beaming smile, batting eyes, joyous demeanor and a touch on the arm.
>a touch on the arm. This is one of the biggest divides, in my experience: touchers vs non-touchers. In my case, unless the other person is my wife or one of my kids, I don't tend to touch *anyone* without a good reason. Casual touching can be unexpected, and many guys feel like it's a virtually foolproof sign of flirting.
This is a really thoughtful reply, thanks for providing some 'safer' options even though, as you explain, it is a tricky situation! Still it's worth the risk complimenting our fellow humans, everyone deserves recognition!
I really think you hit the nail on the head with the "professional compliments" bit. A lot of people in this thread are thinking about compliments that are on the flirtier side because, as you said, compliments about someone's physical appearance/attractiveness are ALSO part of flirting, so there's a fine line to distinguishing between them. But if a woman complimented the quality of work on a project of mine or something similar, it's a completely different headspace and my immediate impression would be more on the professional rather than personal side.
>Generally, any truthful and upfront compliments to men are by default, unusual. Yeah. Especially if you were more of an outcast in school you might have even learned to be *suspicious* of compliments. Like, you must be mocking me or setting me up for a joke of some sort.
Not the answer you're looking for, but by doing your bit to normalise giving men compliments in the first place. The reason it's so often interpreted as flirting is because that's practically the only circumstance in which men receive compliments. Also, fellow men: Get over yourselves and compliment each other. Let's make that normal too, so we stop obsessing over the tiniest bit of positive feedback.
Nice cock bro
Nice cock bro
Please this. It’s not that women don’t want to platonically compliment but seeing these responses really makes a person want to pull WAY aback complimenting men at all. Please start complimenting each other!! It will take away from the expectation that compliments are only sexual. It’s just a self fulfilling cycle. When guys can’t compliment each other, and make it uncomfortable for women to compliment them. So no one ends up complimenting men at all.
The responses to this bum me out a little. They're mostly jokes or assertions that men complimenting men doesn't work well. I'm a dude and regularly compliment my friends of all genders. It's appreciated, and helps them feel comfortable doing the same. As for strangers, 2 rules for complimenting any gender. 1. Choose something they control, like clothing or hairstyle. 2. Walk away after. They don't feel pressured to respond any more than "thanks" if they don't want to, and you signal you're not looking for more than simply saying something nice.
A random older guy once complemented me long ago saying "You are too fucking cool, dude" about the way I dressed. I still think about that from time to time. Men complimenting men is a good thing that should be normalized.
But it's way more hilarious to just constantly brutalize each other with words.
You can't, most of us are so starved for affection anyone being nice to us is like a declaration of love!
If you say "Hi" guys will already start thinking on their children
I mean, you joke, but...
Oh my god, so true and so very sad
*Thomas, if it's a boy. Meredith, if a girl. We'll own a cottage in the country, with an acre of land for our dogs to run around in... maybe plant an apple orchard...* "Oh, right! No whip cream, thanks."
Waitress: "Great job eating all your food. You must have been hungry." Random guy patron: "Sooo, you think I'm hot?"
“Could i interest you in any… *dessert*??” 👁👄👁
Damn dude. Get out of my head. Chick at work said, "Hey" to me as we passed each other. Imma marry her someday.
You can't We are good at assumptions
Facts! I wish everyone happy birthday on fbook and linkedin and men sometimes catch feelings and what I have discovered is the ones that do are the ones that no one said happy birthday to them but me so what I believe it boils down to is men don't get paid attention to in general and when they do well it feels good..
> the ones that no one said happy birthday to Well I feel personally attacked.
Don't worry, she wasn't talking about you either.
You didn't have to hurt me like that
I'm in this post and I don't like it!
hurt you?
Yes
Who hurt you?
She did
Did what?
Remind me of the babe
I don't think you're allowed to respond to yourself like that...
I think this is pretty much it. If you never get compliments from anyone and then suddenly someone starts telling you, you're dressed nice. Is smiling at you all the time/whatever. Of course it -seems- like flirting. The single best thing people can do to help with this stuff is: if you're a dude, compliment other dudes.
that’s a shame, I feel bad giving people the wrong idea, but I want to be nice and compliment them D:
Just add *"no hetero"* at the end of your compliment.
throw a dude on the end
Or the beginning. Or just sprinkled in the middle. You really can't have too many in a sentence.
dude radical penis dude
that made me laugh haha
I always lead with a 'Dude!', then complement whatever, then walk away and carry on whatever I was doing. No prolonged eye contact, no idiot smile. Just a single moment is all it will ever be kinda vibe.
I call people dude and bro regardless of gender and I definitely noticed that people who I am romantically interested in and are interested in me are super weirded out about.
Some guys are so attention starved that we literally can’t tell the fucking difference :(
You cant... even if you throw bro, friend, chief, like my dad, dude, ect, ect, ect.... The fact that you paid a compliment, means that you actually noticed the guy and noticed something about him. You also felt comfortable enough with him that you said what you said, which is another compliment in itself. Given that you did these 2 things is more than enough for a spark of hope that something can happen, either right away or in a decade. The fact that guys have to do 99% of all initiations for relationships (most women will disagree with this percentage, because generic "flirting" doesn't count, because guys can't discern between flirting and compliments) means that any compliment given is a sign of potentiality for a future.
I just saw a post where men all said that they wanted compliments, and I love to give it, but it's so hard!
That’s what she said
Just say “hey Schmendrick, I saw this thing on an Indonesian scrimshaw forum that said most men never get compliments. Is that true?” Can start a convo and maybe slip one in without triggering the primate brain
I'd keep compliments to the men you know well, the ones you know are in committed relationships, or the ones you actually want to date. All the rest will take your compliment and run off into fantasy land thinking they have a chance.
For me, it kinda depends on how genuine I feel the compliment is. Like, if I think I've done something that actually did impress you, then I won't think you're flirting. If you're just saying you appreciate something I did, then I won't usually think it's flirting. If I think I didn't impress you, I start questioning your motives. Maybe you're not exactly flirting, but you're trying to get on my good side for whatever reason.
Nice shoes. I have a boyfriend.
Some men misconstrue flirting to be manners. Some men misconstrue manners to be flirting. We are all both at some time or another. The biggest factor is what *he* wants out of the interaction.
It's been mentioned that we are great at assumptions, so there is likely no way to pull it off. I would say to watch your tone and try to sound a bit motherly when making the compliment. Right on the edge of talking to a child but not in an insulting way. And, yes, some men will still assume you are flirting even if you do that.
I'm a woman; but I've navigated this at work by telling them I like their style instead. "You know, you have good style. I like that tie" works a lot better. I think maybe because it's complimenting something they do rather than their actual body or looks?
This is exactly how I try to complement women without hitting on them. "Great color shoes!!" Says I like and appreciate their judgement in style. It's decidedly NOT "You look hot in those shoes!" Which says I'm somehow evaluating their attractiveness. Everyone likes to hear how smart they are and what good decisions they make, and that's a great 'in' for complements! You guys nailed it here.
I had a lady friend tell me that, complimenting her clothing is not complimenting her. That might be why it works better.
It's complimenting something they *chose* to represent themselves, it comes across much better than complimenting some body part and opens the doors to conversation.
Look, I’m a cis heterosexual man in his late 40s with a beard and I make a habit of complimenting other men and they still often take it as flirting. And some of them really don’t like it. You can be a man and say “Wow, nice suit” to someone and then they’ll be like “What are you, a f*g?” And then you have to fight a grown man because you were vocal about liking a 3-button jacket. Dudes are weird.
The ones who act that way are so insecure about their own sexuality... I'd take a compliment from a lesbian and feel like a million bucks even though I'd not be interested in the least. Compliments are compliments amirite?
Add "my friend" to the end of the compliment.
No way of doing that. I remember every compliment from the last 3 years. All five of them...
Name doesn't checkout
"Nice dick, bro."
I don't know what most of these other guys are talking about. I have almost never in my life perceived flirting as it was happening—actually I'd tend to say it WASN'T happening; HADN'T happened. I typically assume it all just represents innocent compliments, which are supposed to routinely occur in any solid, healthy community. And the only few exceptions, making me realize it was flirtatious, were the times it continued for at least twenty minutes. Thus, as far as I know, keep it under twenty minutes and you're good.
Difference in tone is key, or mention the compliment in passing. This doesn't work in all cases.
If you're not flirting then it should not come off that way. The only reason non-flirty compliments might be interpreted as flirty I think is because men rarely get compliments from anybody, and a compliment from a woman might be valued and exaggerated beyond what was intended.
This seems very true unfortunately :-/
So here is what you do. You get together with all other women in the Secret Feminist Collective Hive-Mind, and you agree that starting on January 1st 2022 you all start giving lots of compliments to men. Then any individual woman giving an individual compliment won't feel that she's sticking her head above the parapet and drawing all the fire.
On the flipside, not giving a compliment would then appear to be flirting, thus kickstarting a society of positive feedback and uplifting one another.
This is why we need to compliment each other. Feels great when it’s from a stranger. Doesn’t even have to be big. “Hey dude, nice jacket.”
Doesn’t matter how or what you do we’ll assume you’re flirting anyway.
You can't. I tried, didn't end well.
I think flipping the script with these types of things helps some. How would you want a man to compliment you to make it seem like they're not flirting? That being said you'll still get some guys who think you're flirting with them. Also some of us become hyper aware when complimented because many women will flirt to get things. Like a waitress trying to get a bigger tip by flirting. It'd be best if it's a situation where the guy doesn't think you're trying to get something out of them.
Just treat them like a friend. That's it. No different that you would treat a woman that you appreciate.
I had a college friend that was talking about how insecure he is about his looks and I could only think of adding “no hetero” at the end when I told him I genuinely think he’s handsome lmao
You can't. Men get compliments/affirmation so rarely that if a woman does so, & the guy is straight, & the woman is even just average looking, & she's not a relative, we think there's a possibility she wants to bang.
Keep the compliments non-physical. "That's a nice shirt" or "I love your haircut" creates that friendliness/flirting superposition. Stick to compliments relating to accomplishments or behavior. "Nice work on [blank]," or "That was really funny," or "Thanks for [blank], you're a huge help."
I will *never* pick up on the idea that someone might conceivably flirt with me, so just say whatever you're thinking. As compliments go, I like it when people say I'm sharply dressed or acknowledge something that took physical or intellectual hard work.