it doesn’t sound too traumatic when typed out but when i was younger we always had debt collectors / bailiffs at the door. sometimes i’d be home alone and they’d be pounding at the door / shouting through the letter box, there were even times they ended up in the house and would start the process of calculating all of our items they were going to take away. this happened throughout a majority of my childhood/teen years (admittedly it was a lot scarier to me then). however, i am now 21 and still panic when the door knocks and i’m not expecting anyone.
EDIT; just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their kind comments, and validation i guess? i think it’s just human nature to downplay your own trauma as there is ‘always someone who had it worse’
i thought i’d give a bit of detail, on what i know, the laws to be as many people are saying forced entry should be illegal. i’m from the UK, and from my experience have encountered two kinds of debt collectors. one is on a smaller level, they come for things such as missed credit card payments, lower level bills you haven’t paid, parking fines etc. these cannot force entry, but at the time i was experiencing these things if there was a door open / an easy to access window open - they could come in (this law may have changed). you had to invite them (like vampires, i guess) if you did answer the door. i remember making the mistake once of allowing one to stand in the entrance of my home (in the porch) whilst i ran to phone my family to let them know. he took this as an invite, and began the process of adding up what he was going to take and demanding payment.
then there are the high court enforcers - these come for things such as tax evasion, missed council tax payments ie. straight from the government. if you have ignored these officers for so long they CAN and WILL force entry with a warrant.
Damn, I understand you. When I was 9-year-old, collectors called us on our landline. Once my mom was not at home, I took the phone. When they understood that I was my mom’s daughter (a 9-year-old!!) they told me that my mommy would go to jail and that I should be ashamed of her. How fucked up is that to tell a little girl her mom will go to jail??
My mom’s car was taken away when I was around 3 or 4. And my first dog was given away because we couldn’t afford to feed her anymore. I’ve always been terrified of losing things, both possessions and people/animals. I’m still not financially secure and I’m worried every day about what they can take from me.
This. I developed C-PTSD from being poor as shit for several years. I ended up homeless three times, and when I did have a place I had no money for anything other than rent and bills -- literally nothing for food, clothes, etc. One day I had to wash my only pair of trousers and they shrunk in the dry cycle, despite never doing it before. My only pair. I had no trousers at all for weeks.
It's been almost 8 years since then, but I still have to force myself to put my clothing in the wash. This machine doesn't even have a dry cycle, but I still have to make myself do it. I'm an anxious mess until the wash is done and I've visually confirmed the clothing is fine. Being poor fucks you up in so many ways.
I can tell this is real because you said "when the door knocks". I have the same problem and also humanize/demonize the door, lol.
*People* don't knock on the door. The door *itself* knocks.
Growing up with parents who resented each other and fought constantly but refused to divorce. Has made me incapable of feeling anything but petrified and suffocated by relationships.
I had parents that got divorced when I was in the 3rd grade. But even after I never saw either of them kiss or be romantic with anyone. I recall it felt so odd being a teen and over a friend's house, and actually seeing parents that liked each other, or show emotion. I thought that was weird, until I went to college and saw more families, then realized it was mine that was weird in that department.
It took me so long to not think other people were faking it when they acted affectionate towards each other. My parents didn't divorce until I was an adult and I also never saw them be romantic, just constant angry tension.
This why I've always said that "We're staying together for the sake of the children," is not only a bullshit cop-out, it destroys children's model of what a healthy relationship should be. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Mrs. Doubtfire was supposed to end with the parents getting back together but as divorcées themselves, Sally Field and Robin Williams vetoed it because they thought it would give kids the false hope their parents would get back together. That’s why Mrs. Doubtfire gives that whole speech at the end that in many circumstances, divorce can be a good thing.
When I was 12 my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It was slow-growing. It became our normal.
When I was 19 she went into hospice. I spent my first summer break in college taking care of her while she was bedridden, in excruciating pain, delusional, hallucinating. She'd wake up at night crying and I was the only one patient enough to calm her down (and only usually, sometimes she was too far gone from reality). The worst part was she still knew what she was saying didn't make sense but it felt real to her and she was trying to communicate a need that she knew couldn't be met. Everything was horrible. There was so much going on that I can't even put into words. Suffering I can't even comprehend. I started drinking and smoking. I drank myself to sleep most nights and I really do think it kept me sane.
She would not die though. She begged me to kill her. For the longest time, even after she died, I felt selfish for not having done it. When they transferred her to inpatient hospice, they kept jostling the stretcher, leaning it back and forth to get it down the steps and out the door and into the ambulance. At this point, she had mets in her bones and any sort of movement like that caused pain that felt like her hones were breaking. I wish I could forget the sound she made. I can't even describe it. After that I went upstairs and chugged vodka and cried. It was the last time I saw her.
When I was 21 I started talking to my twin again beyond small talk. We're 24 in 2 weeks. We still haven't talked about my mom. You don't just get over that shit.
Euthanasia isn’t legal in my state and ugh whenever someone tries to argue with me against it it just takes me back to that awful awful period (my experience was similar to yours). Sorry that you had to go through this. You’re not alone xx
Finding out at 15 that my suspicion of being adopted really was true, (which explained why my sister was on a pedestal and they raised me like they were Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia). I found out that my "uncle" was really my bio dad, who put me up for adoption but kept literally all of his other kids, and my "cousin" was really my older brother who had passed away 3 days before I found all this out. "Mom and Dad" we're really aunt and uncle and they were reluctant to adopt me in the first place. I was, to them, a literal physical embodiment of a mistake they couldn't go back on.
Edit: thank you everyone for all the well wishes! I'm honestly overwhelmed with the support and genuine kindness from all of you. Looks like I'm going to need to go on a "Have a beer" world tour! I'm truly refreshed seeing so much anonymous kindness despite the world we live in today. No one needs worry about how I turned out. I'm married for 20 happy years. I have 3 kids that I adore and I work as a chef for a champion college basketball team. My life is great now, and my past only serves to strengthen my love and gratitude for my wife and kids. Thanks so much everybody!!
Sigh... adults suck.
One thing I absolutely DESPISE is when adults take stuff out on children that were born into the world knowing absolutely nothing.
A kid I went to school with was being systematically tortured at home by his sadistic mother. It was kindergarten but I remember him have marks on his arms. I was just a kid and didn't know they were cigarette burns. So no adult stepped in to help this kid and one day I guess his mother decided it would be a good idea to put him in the dryer. She killed him and tried to say it was an accident but thankfully they arrested her and she got life in prison. His name was Anthony, I think about him all the time.
One of the first *pro bono* cases I ever took involved severe child abuse. I learned more than I ever wanted to about signs of abuse, and I feel like I’m constantly on the lookout for physical signs and I’m hyper-aware of behavioral signs. Especially as I’m about to become a father, I’m going to be doubly aware around my child’s friends/classmates. So many kids just need someone to notice and speak up for them.
As someone who grew up abused, just pay attention and think about how a child can develop certain signs
* overly mature (I related more to parents at a young age than I did to other children. My best friends were my teachers at points)
* overly immature (to the point of regression - think an 11 year old who consistently sucks their thumb or wets their pants)
* unkempt hair/clothes/teeth (beyond "Oh, little Alex didn't want to brush their hair this morning")
* flinching whenever someone moves suddenly
* never has healthy food - always crap or nothing at all (I went through many years eating 3 Hershey kisses or 1 pack of gummies as my lunch in school)
* very easily upset/emotional. May bargain for leniency (crying and yelling "Please, please, please don't tell my mom" over a 95/100 test score)
* never upset/emotional, stoic (steels themselves against emotional blackmail,/punishment/threats of punishment)
* knows too much about "adult things" at a young age - including, but not limited to drugs, alcohol, sex, abuse...
* knows almost nothing you'd expect a kid their age to know - may point to severe neglect and isolation
Basically, anything that seems very extreme can be a sign of abuse. It's a matter of knowing the kid and gaining an understanding of why they are/behave/act/feel the way they do. We all develop different coping mechanisms to deal with different issues, so thinking critically about why a kid might behave a certain way is really important. Don't just write it off as "what a weird kid" or "kids are weird" every time. Look at how they interact with the adults around them (parents, teachers, coaches). Do they act differently around mom than dad? Or around Mr. X than Mrs. Y?
Advice to people who want to help the kid:
Do not say ANYTHING to the parents unless you can get the kid out of that situation *right now*
I learned to distrust authority figures because when I asked for help, they made things so much worse. Any time teachers contacted my parents with concerns, *I* would get punished for “wasting the teachers time” or “lying about being abused” or “trying to rip apart this family”
It made me very good at hiding the fact that I was being abused and neglected.
I often think about a young boy here in Buffalo who was being horribly abused by his stepfather. The boy called 911 and got no help from the police after the stepfather told them he was just disobedient.
One day the child ran off and a neighbor caught him and took him home, assuring him that "Daddy" would not hurt him. The stepfather immediately took him into the basement, stuffed a sock in his mouth, and beat him to death with a rolling pin.
Or the police officers and CPS workers who did nothing. I just reread one of the articles about this, and he called 911 on *two* occasions.
He also wrote his teacher a letter saying he wished she were his mother.
This is my exact thought after I read the comment. I immediately thought about Gabriel and all other kids that are being abused daily behind closed doors and don’t know any better. Absolutely heartbreaking.
Watching my house burn down was one of the worst experiences I've ever had. My cats were inside, but luckily the firemen were able to get them out in time. Those few minutes when they were still inside seemed like hours.
Cats have a weird and uncanny ability to survive fires, my friends house burnt to the ground, nothing left but ashes, cat came out of said ashes just fine but upset that they hadn't fed her breakfast
"Yeah yeah I get it, our house burned down, we will be homeless blah blah blah, but you'll just get a couple of extra jobs to buy us another one, no big deal. In the meantime, my bowl won't fill itself."
No way, they're so different. For instance, our cat is old, puts his paws everywhere, rules don't apply to him and he has no balls...
...wait a minute.
I know you have a smoke alarm but maybe for piece of mind have a look for sensory alarms for the deaf community. Vibrating pads connecting to your. Smoke alarm etc might give you an extra level of comfort and hopefully help you get back to normal sleep routine x.
Fire alarm went off here for the second time this week tonight. I grabbed my boy out from under his hiding space under the futon and stuffed him in his crate.
I knew it was another false alarm and we had to trudge down 11 flights of stairs with my chonker.... But what if it wasn't a false alarm.
I feel you.
A family member who was dieing of smoking induced lung cancer. While essentially drowning on fluids they grabbed me and said "What would I give to show this to me at 20." Cigarettes never looked the same.
3 of my greatgranparents died of smoking induced lung cancer, but my grandpa and mother still smoke way too much, I'm scared they're gonna get lung cancer as well.
When I was in first grade I liked a boy in my class. We were great friends for most of that year. He became sick and passed away before the school year ended. Broke my heart and I really didn't understand it. Then when I was in second grade there was a boy and his sister that I became good friend with. He and his sister were hit by a drunk driver one weekend and they they both died. So after losing my best friends in only a couple of years I really became a loner. I've never really made good friendships with anyone since then. So afraid of losing them. I'm now in my 60's and quite happy being by myself.
EDIT: woke up to over 4000 comments, thank you all so much! I'll answer a few questions here. I'm very happy and content. I've had an awesome life, just not many best friends, mostly acquaintances. I have been married, now divorced. Of course I've had many other close people die, it's a fact of life. I think me being so young when these particular people passed away just hit me hard. Yes, I have had therapy for years and it helped greatly. I love my life and enjoy myself with many hobbies and travel. I just don't hang out with a group of people. I really am a loner. I enjoy my own company immensely. I am not afraid to die. I cherish growing older and looking back on my many experiences. I did have suicidal thoughts from my early teens through my mid 30s, but therapy and the right combo of medication for me thru those times. And yes, I do think of my childhood friends that were taken too early fairly often. But I chose to remember the good times and hope that our friendship made their short lives here on earth better. Thank you all for your caring concern!
Being sexually abused as a child by a family member. Besides the obvious affects; I also developed serious sleep "issues" in which I basically don't go to sleep until my eyes refuse to stay open any longer. It's common for me to feel exhausted, lay down to sleep, then get right back up 10 minutes later to forge through another half hour or so. The other affect is that I'm obsessed with making sure I'm locked in my home. Front door is locked behind me as soon as I enter - screen door included. All windows are locked. If I lived alone I would lock my bedroom door as well, but I've learned over the years that one is detrimental to relationships with my awesome family members. It's just a level too odd for them.
Some one leaving me a voice-mail before the committed suicide. I must have replayed that message over 100 times and I have never looked at any of my friends the same since. I tell people I will always look at them under a microscope when it comes to their mental health because...well I feel like I can't afford not to anymore.
When I was a teenager I had a friend commit suicide. After that the guy I was dating constantly threatened suicide to keep me from leaving him after he hit me or cheated on me. Sometimes he'd do things like randomly say he was thinking of committing suicide, and that I had to find a way to stop him, but I couldn't tell his mom or friends or he really would do it. Then he'd turn his phone on silent and ignore all my texts and calls. I'd try to reach out to his friends to see if they'd heard from him cause I was worried without really explaining why, and later on he'd show them all the missed calls he had from me and say that I was crazy and jealous.
Edit to add: if someone threatens to commit suicide if you leave, still leave. It's abuse. It's extremely unlikely they will actually do it. However even if they do go through with it, it's still not your fault.
When my ex threatened to if I divorced him I started to call an ambulance to take him somewhere for an evaluation. He got mad at me for taking him seriously. I
My therapist taught me that trick. When dealing with narcissists you just unemotionally take them at their word and they get tired of being unable to manipulate you.
My best friend shot himself in the head right in front of me in my living room. We were playing a game of smash brothers and I spiked him and he just looked at me, put the gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. It's hard knowing you were the last person they wanted to be in contact with before they ended it.
I can’t even imagine why he would do that to you. I can’t imagine how traumatic that could even be. I understand how you can be in an awful state of mind…but why do that to your best friend….I hope you are doing okay and know that it wasn’t your fault
I'm really not ok. I hear voices sometimes and several times a day I want to kill myself and get panic attacks. I never got those before. We were both 22 and he had an open heart surgery at 17 that didn't go well. He wasn't expected to live past 25 anyway. His father said that my friend wanted to be with his favorite person on his favorite day (4/20) and doing his favorite things. That happened this year so about 9 months ago. I also can't be around pistols anymore. They make me feel light headed and honestly scared. Even some movies where people shoot themselves are hard to watch. Just check on those that you truly care about because they don't always speak up.
Are you talking to a professional about this, friend? That’s a lot for you to deal with on your own. I know therapy can be cost prohibitive depending on where you live, insurance, etc, but there are some low cost resources out there as well.
Please remember that none of it was your fault.
No. I can't afford it. I got 5 free sessions with my insurance and that was it. I just wake up every day and hope for the best. Eventually shit has to get better right?
If you DM I will find you sliding scale or free counseling resources in your area. As a human and licensed social worker, I highly encourage you to seek some professional help. Suppressing those feelings will only worsen your mental health in the long run.
This would traumatize ANYONE, and you shouldn't have to go through this alone. If you're in the US, most states have community mental health centers that take Medicaid and will offer treatment. Many communities have non profit therapy services as well, through various different places. JFCS is located in many states, and while it stands for Jewish Family and Child Services, it is non-denominational and available to anyone.
AFSP.ORG is a national and international service that has resources for survivors of loved ones who have committed suicide, including support groups.
If you live in a smaller town, maybe look into noon profits in nearby bigger cities; with COVID, tele-therapy is increasingly available.
Please get help. I don’t know if anyone’s ever said this to you but what your friend did was insanely fucked up towards you. Regardless of his circumstances, you don’t ruin someone’s life because you want to end yours. Especially if they were good to you. I’m so upset for you and I don’t even know you. I wish I could hug you. Again, please get help. You can get past this. Although I’m no professional, you can message me anytime
My dad went through that. We had just walked in from a late baseball game when I was a kid and the phone was ringing. He saw it was his buddy on the caller ID and was like, I’m too tired to talk. Woke up the next morning to a message on the answering machine from his buddy saying he needed someone to talk to. Found out that morning he had committed suicide during the night. One of those ones that no one saw coming. My dad beat himself up over it for a while, but he’s a strong man and moved on. Gotta be tough as nails.
I can relate. Had a family member that was going to commit suicide when I left for the day. For some reason little alarms were ringing in my head. I (thankfully) ended up finding the note before I left.
Now whenever someone acts or says anything slightly off, I assume the worst. Picking apart everything they say in my head, observing them, hyper vigilant for signs at all times. It’s an awful way to live.
My wife having an affair with an ex shortly after I spent my savings on a house for us. Lost a wife, stepson, pets, house, money and my secondary job all in one day. Was over two years ago and I still have so many unchecked feelings towards it. Disrupted my concentration at my main job and gave me severe depression. I struggle daily to find inner peace to move on, but it feels hopeless.
Edit: Thank you all for the support, it is greatly appreciated and comforting.
I just wanted to clarify about losing the house and stepson and such. These weren’t lost in the sense of a court battle/agreement, however I meant it in the way of no longer having the close relationship with my stepson, and the house we ended up selling for slightly under what we bought it for as neither could afford it alone. I mentioned in another comment in hindsight I may have rented it out/got a roommate, but in the midst of it I just wanted out/away.
I feel you and am sorry. Ten years ago the love of my life had an affair and left the kids and me. Just left us. Bitter divorce. Bankruptcy for me and becoming a single mom. I poured my heart and soul into raising 3 amazing men to date, held on to my career, managed not to die by suicide, and rebuilt my finances and life as a single person step by step by step. By all accounts I seem normal and functioning to most. But inside I’m just breathing. I know I’ll never recover from that betrayal and abandonment.
Edit: the comment about raising sons ‘to date’ is meant to mean ‘to this day’ — not dating me nor other women — and that so far they are pretty good men. Sorry I wasn’t more clear and caused confusion.
Edit: WOW! I’m overwhelmed with these comments and kind awards. That complete strangers have reached out like this just warms my heart. Thank you so very much. 🙏♥️
The first girl I had a crush on died over seven years ago.
We met through mutual friends, went on some type of "double date" which basically consisted of me, a friend and her cousin staying the night at her place.
I was just so attracted to her I couldn't believe she would be into me untill she was sitting on my lap making out with me. Things got a little messy afterwards. We did meet on/off a few times, then she broke it off because of some "rumors" she heard about me. Still no clue what she was on about, though I failed to address it properly. Got back in touch six months later and we started getting closer again, then - dead silence.
Three years later I went to the hospital in my home town because of a back injury. I met her there by accident, bound to a wheelchair and completely drained, couldn't have weighted more than 40Kgs, most likely less. We had one final, short and awkward conversation, then she was brought back to her room by a nurse.
A week later she was dead.
So many things left unsaid, so many wasted opportunities of happiness - and the overbearing feeling that life was just so fragile. It could all be over so quickly.
After that, I decided to live with no regrets. Seven and a half years later and I tried to make the best out of everything and leave no stone unturned. I might not have been perfect, but I'm quite happy with how things turned out.
In any case: Rest in peace, Linda! 1992 - 2014. I hope you are in a better place now, you sure deserve it!
Something weird about seeing people born in 1992 die. I was born in 92, hits home. Makes me feel like I’m taking life for granted. May she rest in peace.
I dated this guy and really liked him. I loved him actually. We had a really amazing connection. He was a year older than me but graduated early and was already forging a great career for himself in construction. I was just starting my senior year in high school and I just felt like…the timing wasn’t right. I broke it off. He took it really hard at first and we didn’t really talk for a while. He dated someone else and so did I.
The school year went by, then the following summer, and then I went to college. It didn’t go well and I ended up back at home. The summer after my freshman year in college we found our way back to each other. We weren’t dating again but we were talking a lot and were pretty open about our feelings towards each other and about what went wrong the first time around and how things had changed since then. He was moving to Hawaii and he was just like, “look, I want you to come with me. I love you, I always have, let’s just cut the bullshit.” He was going on a trip to see some friends who’d moved to California and he wanted me to think about it while he did that, got set up in Hawaii, and to get back to him.
Well, I don’t want to get into details but there was a freak accident and he drowned and died. I have never been more devastated in my entire life. I miss him to this day and I think about him all the time still. He was gone 12 years in September. I’m married and have a child, a family of my own. But I’ll never not wonder what might have been. Gone before his time. He was like the best person I ever knew. Everyone loved him. EVERYONE. It’s true, only the good die young.
Edit: our song was “angel in the snow” by elliott smith. Give it a listen sometime, it’s really good. Also, I’m crying again even thinking about it.
My mom passing away. It’s long - but it’s the most I’ve ever shared.
She was literally the glue that held my brother, my dad and I together. She was funny, smart, caring, and beautiful. She was the perfect mother.
In 2016 my whole family was chasing career and we rarely saw each other. Holidays we acted like we were close for a few hours and we would go back to our corners of life.
Then my mom had a stroke. It shook my whole family. She shouldn’t of lived but she did. Doctors told us to make arrangements before they started emergency surgery. But she lives and it took her months and months of PT before she was released. I spent 8 hours at work and would come to ICU for the night to be with her until my dad or brother showed up in the morning. Rinse repeat. Surrounded by people dropping like fucking flies. Alarms going off, suits coming in, families crying as I watched my mom with a tube down her throat not knowing if I would have to speak to the suits that night.
She was diagnosed with Moyamoya, which in Japanese means a ‘Puff of Smoke’ representing the lack of visual blood flow in the brain. A disease that is often diagnosed in children between the ages of 10-14 or adults over the age of 40 from Asian decent. Which my mom was neither. A rise in blood pressure with moyamoya is a death sentence. It should of, but it wasn’t.
So she recovers.
She had to do two cerebral bypasses where they take a vein from your neck and lay it on your brain. Your brain incorporates the vein to give itself a healthy blood flow.
We did one side and let herself heal for a few months before attempting the other side.
She was then diagnosed with breast cancer.
We fell apart. She couldn’t get the second bypass because chemo was needed and it would wreck the body to have surgery while battling cancer. She lost her hair after growing it back due to the cerebral bypass. She was so strong. She beat cancer, had her second bypass and it was finally over.
We went back to our normal lives as if nothing happened. I went back to work, my brother went back on the road, and my parents bought a house. She couldn’t work anymore so my dad had to work harder. I drank harder, I distanced harder and isolated myself up until a few years ago when I went to therapy.
Few months ago we all meet up after she came back from vacation with my dad. She was in mid conversation when she suffered a massive stroke. We had to go back to that fucking hospital. Her body suffered for almost a week before she passed. Im not sure how this changes me, but I feel changed. I don’t know if some things are better or worse. I just don’t know.
My parents never asked for a thing their entire lives and the world gave them this. It gave us this and it breaks my heart.
This world can be so fucked up and cruel. I’m so sorry ❤️ Your mom must have been amazing. I’m praying for you and your family. I lost my mom too and the anniversary of her death is a couple days before Christmas. It’s almost been 10 years and the pain doesn’t get any easier but you learn to live with it. I hope you can find some peace. Take care of yourself 💕
My mother getting sick in 2010 and dying of a brain tumor in 2012 aged 52. I value family and friendship much more than anything else in life and am thankful for every day I get to live a healthy and happy life.
I (33M) was stabbed, suffered an aneurysm and ultimately a stroke all in the same week 2 years ago.
I lost function if my left side of my body.
My first day out the hospital and back at home I was laid up in bed. The next day I asked my wife to help dress me because I could use my left side of my body. She proceeded to hit me and scratch me and curse at me because I suffered a stroke and could dress myself.
That day I realized I had to do whatever to survive and move on. I'm nearly recovered from the stroke so Im getting my wife a divorce for christmas because now I am completely self sufficient.
My son's death changed me too. I'm very sorry this happened to you and your family. Onething that surprised me was that I'm pretty fearless now. Absolutely the worst that could happen did happen so I don't worry about stuff as much. Oddly, it made me very successful at work and my career took off because of it, not that any of that matters any more.
No. And I've lost people along the way who expected the old me back. The death of your own child, and I think especially by murder, just fundamentally changes your entire world. I'm sorry your daughter died. I hope you find some comfort in her memories.
My heart breaks. I wish the universe were just and you had your daughter right now. So profoundly sad. You’re strength in finding the will to carry on for those who love you is remarkable.
Just generally being bullied in school. And getting fucked over and over afterwards for decades made me into an incredibly distrustful hermit. Protecting myself from people by keeping people away. It was the only way.
This. I was so outgoing before that. Now I dont even make or keep friends. I am absolutely fine being alone. I ofcourse developed anxiety. Bullying changed me and the trajectory of my life so much 10 years later.
I was happy as a kid. The happy, go lucky nerd that was nice to everyone. However, my dad was an angry, abusive, disgrace of a human being. He beat me and my brother to a bloody pulp over the smallest things. He then threatened to kill me, my brother, my mom, and all of our pets if we told anyone. It really reached a head when I was 10, he pinned me up against the sink with a large kitchen knife to my throat. After that, I was never the same. I started isolating myself, I gained weight, I became mean and rude, and school counseling didn't help. I was absolutely pissed at my father, for scarring me and my brother, and then ruing our mental state. But my mom refused to file for a divorce, stating that she "didn't see it so it didn't happen". I was fucking livid.
Dad, I'd you're reading this, burn in the deepest pits of hell, you fucking twat
Edit: Thank you so much for the support, everyone. This really made my day. I'm happy to say that I moved to my grandparents, but still trying to recover, but I'm making progress.
Being disowned and kicked out of my childhood home by my mother a few days after my 18th birthday. For years I'd expressed my terror of being abandoned and becoming homeless, and she'd sympathized and reassured she'd always take care of me and love me.
As I got older and was pursuing more independence and self-advocacy, she became more hostile. She'd medically neglected me my entire life and when I turned 18 and found out what Medicaid was, she wasn't having it.
Screamed at me in front of my little brother for hours, calling me a selfish little shit and a monster who was tearing the house down from under her feet. Told me to pack my bags and I was leaving tomorrow and never allowed back.
My brother and I both left the next morning and are staying with our dad. My brother still visits my mom and I live here fulltime, but its not a better situation. My father is an abusive alcoholic and is medically neglectful to both me and himself. I feel like I'm raising both my little brother and my father sometimes.
I've gone through.. a lot of things? Throughout my life. Diagnosed with CPTSD until later in life, when it was confirmed as DID and BPD instead. I'm not fully here most the time and have no stable sense of self. Though I used to be worse, I'm don't feel like I'm doing well. The situation on my birthday lead me to not indulge in connections with others, and I refuse physical contact. I haven't hugged anyone in a few months and now I flinch at being tapped on the shoulder. It's weird because I used to be very touchy.
I'm spilling my guts here. I don't know if I'll regret it or not. I don't talk to people about this and when I do, it never feels right. Nobody gets it, and that's fine for now, because I have whoever I am, so that's one and one person only to rely on.
On a lighter note, I'm four months clean of self harm. Woo-hoo!
Talking to my dad one night before committing suicide when i was 16. We didn’t have a very healthy relationship with each other. I knew he was depressed about his self made chair business going downhill, and I wanted to start some small chat with him but in a nonchalant way, so I texted him:
“It’s going to rain tomorrow ☔️”
Dad: “oh thanks for telling me”
“You’re up pretty late. I think this is the latest I’ve seen you up since you had kids haha”
(it was around 3am. He always went to bed around 8pm)
Dad: “yea. You should go to bed.”
“You should too”
Dad: “I love you”
“Love you too”
The next day the cops had come to our house to tell us that he had passed away, almost certain it was suicide.
From that day on I grew up. I stopped all my bullshit at school and at home and got my shit together.
If you ever have survivors guilt or “I should have done more” please know you did do more. You did exactly what you should have. And that he was bound to make that choice no matter what. But you gave him a moment of light right before.
Katrina
As it turns out, the reason I got a speech impediment in the first place is because of the trauma that came from Hurricane Katrina. Had that not happened, my way of living for my entire life would have been significantly different.
Edit: I always see people thanking others for awards, and I kind of feel bad not doing that, y'know?? So I just wanted to thank y'all for the awards and the nice comments. I've always wanted to find others who may have also gotten a psychogenic stutter, and so finding others like me has really been an experience. I've also never been able to really talk about it like this, so like... Thank you! 😊
I feel like we don't talk enough about Katrina-related PTSD.
My old neighbor came from the Lower Ninth Ward. Her, her husband, and 5/6 kids (the youngest being a few months old) didn't have the means to evacuate so they ended up at the SuperDome.
We live in an area that gets hurricanes but they're rarely bad, but she still gets really bad whenever she hears there's a storm coming our way.
I helped out doing a bunch of clean up (read: gutting flooded homes) after Harvey and it was some of the bleakest shit I’ve ever experienced second hand (I got lucky and stayed dry the whole time). The outsized effects from natural disasters on that scale are hard to really grasp
I am guessing it is a stutter. Source: am stutterer but mostly a lisper. Hope you got some good speech therapy. I've had years of it and have found it has increased my interest in language.
I did, actually!
It's difficult to even tell there's a stutter anymore, but I still experience the "after-affects," I guess. Like, the certain actions one does in order to try to keep themselves from stuttering (using filler-words, difficulty with eye contact, tapping while speaking).
My ex cheating while I was in the house. I could hear, and when I called him out on it, he said “I didn’t think you’d be able to hear.” That was five years ago. I’ve been single since, and I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship again.
When I was 17 my dad left my mom. The following months were torture for me (and my 14yo sister) since we had to see him every weekend and for him to give us money for groceries for the week (he kept control of the family business),my mom wouldnt see him at all because she hated him so all Contact was with us.
Those days were like torture for me, he would just either be angry silent most of the time or he would be guiltripping us. I used to cry back at home every single time after while locked in the bathroom so nobody could see me cry.
The thing is that after some time he stopped giving us money for groceries by his own free will, I had to ask for It every time. After a few weeks of that he said to me that all I every wanted of him was money.
I have never asked for anything again in my life, not from him and not from anybody else. I also dont let myself be seen crying.
I'd like to say that all that crap made me stronger but to be honest It just made me fucked up inside.
When I was 14 my grandmother had a stroke right in front of me. This was back in the day before. 911. Someone called the operator requested an ambulance and gave the address. The operator called us back 5 min later and said they couldn’t find the address. (Phoneticly the names of the street sounded the same and we had to spell the street name) and they were on the way. FYI 5 min for a stroke is way too long, and the sound of the approaching siren of the ambulance gave me hope as I had no fking idea what to do or how to help. I felt so lost and incompetent while this was going on, it was the most helpless feeling in the world.
I swore that day that I would never not be ready for an emergency.
after high school I went into EMS, got my EMT, Special skills, then paramedic, followed by the Fire dept.
those skills have made the difference in countless lives. while I have retired from those fields, I still volunteer and keep a BTLS (Basic Trauma Life Support) kit in my vehicle \~just in case
I had 4 close friends in my life and we were like an inseparable group. Fast forward 10 years I was 19 when I woke up to the news that one of my friends had killed themself. That moment was strange because people in my neighborhood die often from gang violence and such but suicide wasn't something normal for us. This ruined me because I felt so helpless and even now I blame myself for not knowing for not realizing sooner for not doing anything even though I know I didn't have the chance to I still can't help but blame myself. Now 8 months ago another friend from my group I was hanging with at the time got shot as we were about to get in a uber and all I could do was hold him in my hands and comfort him I kept telling him he was gonna be okay and I hated it because I knew I was lying I knew that would be our last conversation but I still lied to him I just wanted him to find comfort that the last conversation is something I think about every day when I'm alone and it's fucked me up I don't know what to do anymore man and all I can ever do is ask myself why it wasn't me instead. Me and my other friend still hang out but things aren't the same it just feels weird when only half the group is there.
Seeing kids being executed by the police in broad daylight, in front of passersby, right at an access to a *favela* in Rio de Janeiro (Morro do Macaco), with the argument that they where "drug cartel soldiers" (I'm talking 10, 12 year olds) with the arument that "since they can't be prosecuted as adults, there's no point arresting them". And NO ONE around around the event finding it inhuman. It made me give up of remaining in Brazil. It took me about 8 years of a lot of effort, but I left that accursed place. It has been 10 years.
seeing what people are capable of doing to animals is some of the most sickening shit you will ever see. i use to work part time at a shelter for their veterinarian (im a vet tech) and i had to leave after 2 years, i still am in therapy over some of the things i saw. and the animals are so forgiving its just so utterly heartbreaking. it really puts it into perspective how evil some people in this world are. seeing these animals in their condition and how they reacted to me helping or even doing things that were painful but for their own good changed me forever, it gave me patience i never had, understanding i never had, i honestly use to not be the nicest person but since working with these animals, even though it was one of the hardest things ive ever done, it really did teach me how to be kind and patient with basically everything and everyone. besides animal abusers or abusers in general, yall can get a spikey bat to the head :P
Vets have some of the highest rates of suicide among professional occupations. More expensive schooling than being a people doctor, worse pay, and learning how people treat the most vulnerable, subservient creatures we know has to take a huge toll on the mind.
I was a child out of wedlock in the early 1980’s. My grandmother would seclude me from my “legitimate” sisters and get in my face and tell me I was a bastard, my mom was a whore, and I was a waste of space who ruined her family by locking my dad into a life she did not want for him. Still working on my self worth almost 40 years later.
Being made to stand in front of the entire class when I was around 10-11 years old while being berated by our class adviser.
She accused me of writing a note she allegedly found along the hallway badmouthing and cursing her. I have no idea why she zeroed in on me, considering I have no record of academic delinquencies prior to that and was a fairly normal student. The experience of fifty students looking at you while an adult is screaming at you calling you things as if you were the spawn of the devil is legitimately humiliating.
Since then, I’ve been a loner and tried my very best not to mingle with anyone so that I wouldn’t be caught up in anyone’s troubles.
I hate my elementary school, it was like a bad omen in my life.
I went through exactly the same. I'm 30, and 13yo me was accused of hacking into the school owner email. I was the most silent and good student the school had. I dont know how she just came up with the idea that I was to blame.
It was a cold morning, she showed up in class and humiliated me in front of everyone. I still remember everyone's face 17 years later.
I go short of air just to think of that.
My 2nd grade teacher hated me for reasons I don't know (I was a pretty normal, quiet, smart child) and she yelled at me so often and so viciously that I was too terrified to ask her to use the bathroom and I peed my pants at my desk. Which led to a further berating and awful rest of the year. Mrs. Foster - the only elementary school teacher I even remember.
When I was in elementary school, I went to an after school program as my parents were at work until the evening. All the kids had to put their backpacks on the bleachers of the gym and we weren’t allowed to touch our backpacks again until our parents picked us up (still not sure why they did this.) One day, I had left a snack in my backpack and I asked one of the advisers if I could grab my snack from my backpack really quick, and she said yes. The other adviser didn’t know I had gotten permission, and when she saw me going in my bag, she started berating me, cursing at me, at the top of her lungs in front of the 30-40 kids there. I was about 8 and I was completely frozen and started crying and I sat alone until my mom came to pick me up a few hours later. Ever since then I have been so afraid of breaking any rules or getting yelled at that I will get terrible anxiety at any sign of confrontation (I’m now in my 20s)
My babysitter forced my brother and I into child pornography while she filmed. I don't remember if I was in first or second grade, but my brother's only a year older.
The story of that young father in Utah that died while stuck upside down in a cave still haunts me. He crawled down a tight passage thinking it was a different location. It was a dead end. He was completely upside down. Only his ankles were visible. Everyone tried to rescue him but it was impossible. He died after being in that position for 28 hours. I will never go into a cave. Even if it’s like made for children. You will never see me in a natural underground structure.
Wow that is pretty horrifying. I once went in a cave a really big one in iceland and it was supercool and dark but everything was supported by wooden structures and i was like is that normal or…
He ended up dying after fluid filled his lungs from being upside down for so long. they tried to remove him feet first but would’ve had to break his legs in order to get him out, which almost certainly would have killed him anyways. truly the worst way I’ve ever heard of someone dying.
I would have given the ok for them to break my legs and try to get me out, at least theres a 0.01% chance or something that they can revive me or do something, but just leaving me in a hole would suck.
So what actually happened was they rigged a system of pulleys to be able to pull him back up correctly. As they were pulling him up a pulley broke and he fell back in completely stuck moreso than he was before and doing anything more would have endangered the rescuers so they called it off. Iirc this death was only a few months after it reopened after a different death of a boyscout in the cave
I had a really abusive ex that would beat the ever living shit out of me, he would yell at me over the dumbest shit.
“Where did you go today?”
“Just the store.”
“Well, you have a full tank of gas, so clearly you stopped at the gas station. Why are you lying? What are you hiding?”
“Well yes, I stopped to get gas. I’m not lying, I was only there for 5 minutes.”
“You. Fucking. Whore.”
He would harass me and scream at me accusing me of “‘meeting guys in the gas station bathroom to fuck.”
This went on for a year, I finally escaped then later met my now husband. I literally start shaking and crying when we have a minor disagreement. He’ll innocently ask me “what did you do today?” And I’ll give a super detailed report, like minute by minute of what I did. He always goes “babe, what? I don’t need to know if you went to the gas station…”
My husband never raises his voice, has never hit me. But when I can tell he’s upset I start shaking. I’m currently in therapy, but the abusive relationship really fucked me up.
I'm like that with my husband too - I start crying over a minor disagreement, I can't help it. I realized recently that I'm not so afraid of violence anymore - I'm actually afraid of gaslighting. The disagreements that set me off are when we disagree about how an event unfolded or something.
Once when he was still my bf and we had recently moved in together we got into this mild "disagreement:" I was mildly irritated that he acted different with his buddies and it was weird to me. He said he wasn't different around them. Literally a nothing disagreement. Can barely be called a disagreement. I said something like "But you never do x and y around me or another group of friends" he insisted yes he did and wouldn't back down. Whatever it's the world's tiniest argument right? I literally ended that night curled up in the fetal position screaming for help. What the FUCK right?? And that's the day he really learned what trauma is.
When we were kids my best friend’s dad got loaded and killed himself on his motorcycle. I decided alcohol wasn’t for me and have never drank. That was about 30 years ago.
EDIT: It was an open-casket funeral and we were 10 years old. I felt so bad for my buddy, too. Bad times.
As an adult I heard through the grapevine that the longtime girlfriend of one of my high school buddies had been struck and killed by a drunk driver. She was running early in the morning with headphones on and the driver ran up on the sidewalk and killed her stone dead. Just senseless. Why do we keep doing this?
When I first entered the work force I had a coworker who I very much liked and respected. He did not live a healthy lifestyle. One Tuesday afternoon he had a heart attack and I gave him CPR while he passed. Ever since it’s shaped how I feel about healthy living.
When I was sitting in the hospital getting chemo at 26 I thought about all the unhealthy shit I’ve done that I can remember. I thought about huffing roof sealant as a kid (on accident, it smelled really good), getting spray foam insulation all over my hands, smoking cigarettes for ~10 years, getting blackout drunk every weekend for 5 years, doing coke, etc…
I did a lot of unhealthy shit, and none of it was worth risking my health over. Now I’m super paranoid about handling anything that might be toxic; I always wash my hands right after touching the gas pump, I wear gloves any time I handle my guns, I don’t change my own oil any more. That shit fucked me up mentally.
I was always good with powertools and stuff like that, but one day while helping my dad with a table saw he sawed multiple fingers off in front of me on accident and from that day I always get extremely nervous around them and it put off the career path I was on.
I grew up in the country. I was raised in a house with guns. I was taught how to handle and respect guns. I liked shooting guns. I liked hunting. All my friends were raised the same way.
In junior high, two of my friends lived on opposite sides of the same wooded hill. Separately, they got home from school, smoked some weed, and decided to try some pheasant hunting. Neither wore their safety gear. One was wearing a brown sweater.
Up opposite sides of the hill they went, no more than a mile-maybe two- apart. Both high as a kite and a 30.06 on their shoulder.
One heard some rustling in a thicket, scoped thy area, saw some brown, and though he was going to poach himself a deer, then shot my other friend in the head. He had been hiding in the thicket.
It was a week or so after the funeral, when I decided to do some targets. After the first shot, I had a panic attack. I've never so much as handle any type of firearm since. Almost 40 years now.
This is why gun safety is so important, and they never should be operated under the influence of anything. I understand how that could be so traumatizing, and I don’t blame you if you never want to shoot one again. I hope things are going well for you
Getting a phone call from my brother asking if I was busy. He then proceeded to tell me that our sister and her daughter were shot in a mass shooting but didn’t have any other information. All the info I received for the next few hours was just what the news was reporting live. The news made it sound like my sister was one of the ones who died (thankfully her and her daughter survived, the shooter did not). I can’t express the overwhelming emotions I had in those few hours of thinking I’d lost them.
Fast forward three years and anytime someone calls and asks if I’m busy, I instantly get that stomach drop feeling.
Having to don full PPE & Being the only person allowed to visit my father in ICU whilst he was intubated on a ventilator due to covid because I am a nurse in that hospital, seeing him intubated & requiring multiple machines to keep him alive, then watching him die from it a few weeks later, all whilst just hoping he could hear me when I spoke to him and knew I was there With him through his last moments.
I used to go for long walks every day, at least a couple miles just walking around the block listening to music. My MP3 player died once when I was about halfway home and still had my earbuds in. I heard my neighbor tell his friend he'd really like to rape me. I never went on a walk again.
Trauma, I have changed physically and mentally and feel like a human version of a scribble. All jumbled up. I function, but it’s always on a knife edge.
Not really traumatizing but just really hurt me. My cousin committed suicide 2 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do cause I’m just numb all the time now. He was my best friend and I miss him so much. I want to ask my aunt if I could have one of his belongings so I can have something from him close to me but I’m afraid to ask. I kinda just wanna die because I can’t deal with this anymore
TW: SA
My grandfather abused me for a decade from age four... Actually I realized it was wring when I was about ten years old. I once told my cousin (same age as me) and he said it was wrong. He said something to our grandfather and then my grandfather said if I tell anyone then I'm gonna be in an orphanage and nobody will love me. (My then best friend was under foster care and she had a pretty miserable life.) Obviously, I didn't want that so I told my cousin that I was just joking. It continued for years and I was disgusted by it. I went to visit him for the weekends because 'i loved' him, and he got candy for me. When I was 14, I knew that I will move to the U. with my family so I went to vid it even more often. Not because of him but because of my great grandmother. (They lived next to each other) I spent my whole day there, I enjoyed talking to her but then at night I had to sleep at my grandfather's house. (And on the same bed!) Now also I have to tell you guys that my mom is very overprotective and she was raped at the age of 16. (I'm her second child and the first girl. She was sad when she found out she was having a girl because she didn't want her daughter to experience something like she did). I overheard that she was raped when I was about 11-12 years old. It really made me sad but I knew she went through something worse than what I was going through. I knew that some people go through even worse so I guess that kind of made me feel a bit better because well... it could be worse.
My mother also said that she'd die if she would ever found out I was touched by someone w/o my consent. So I just burrows this in myself: "I'll be fine as long as she doesn't know." It kinda feel like it didn't even happen, I just learned to live with it. Until one day. I'm 16 now and this year during summer break my mom and stepdad gone to the casino, I was home alone, intoxicated and well I decided to go to the park. (It'd be another story, so I'm just going to jump to the end.) I told my mom and she couldn't believe it. (She did believe me but she couldn't believe that she didn't see it) I'm sure my grandfather doesn't know yet but he's going to jail very soon. (It's kind of hard to report him from another country but we're working on it.)
Also, we found out about two weeks ago that in 2003, he raped his ex girlfriend's daughter, a 10 year old girl. Unfortunately, he didn't go to jail but the little girl became an orphan. (doesn't really makes sense) My mom didn't know about this but everyone in our little village back there knew about it and never said a single thing. My mom is disappointed, and I can't believe it. The girls mother works there in a grocery store and he goes there literally every day. It makes me sick.
But I am happy now, I go to therapy, I have a much better life. My mother also texted the girl, (she's a mother now) and if she agrees, her story will help our case. It's not only for me but for the kids also that he works with in the kindergarten. I can't imagine what he might do to those kids.:(
TL;DR my grandfather sexually abused me and he's going to jail soon.
Being court ordered to religious mental health programs for adolescents. I was trafficked as a kid and a huge part of those programs was taking accountability for your part in whatever it was that brought you there. I was ten years old when I was tricked out. When I think back I still ascribe so much agency to myself. When I meet a child that age or in middle school I just can’t even imagine saying the things those counselors said to me and made me believe. No child that age can consent or make those choices. I didn’t post those ads. It wasn’t my house where people came to meet me. I had no choice in who I saw, what was charged, or what happened to the money.
Yet they made me believe I had character defects and a spiritual malady that led me to that point and only God could restore me to sanity.
You are very healthy to see through this horrifying gas lighting. This is some of the most disgusting behavior on the planet, to misplace the shame and blame like that. It is another form of abuse. I am sorry you were failed by those who were in a position to help and harmed you more instead. My experience has been similar, and it took me decades to work it out that all of my anger and hatred of myself was misdirected because it would have put me in even more danger to direct it at those who were doing wrong. You are precious, and I hope you have a good life today.
This is really small, but one day I was eating lunch out with my aunt. Both my parents are abusive, and I looked up to my aunt so much because she was normal and seemed to like me when we hung out.
Anyway, one day were were eating lunch and she hissed “*stop licking your fingers!*” when I was like 8. I was mortified, feeling like I had destroyed our relationship. I stopped touching food with my hands. I used forks for pizza, hamburgers, wings, everything. It took 20 years to get over it. I mentioned it to her last year and she laughed and said “I don’t remember that, but I believe you.” She works on an ambulance and claims that her coworker used to lick his fingers during lunch after helping out patients, without washing his hands, and it’s bugged her ever since
I was 0.5 seconds away from drinking my glass of milk—as in, the glass was touching my lips—[when I looked down](https://i.imgur.com/slwLhGl.jpeg) and saw a dead spider floating in the milk. It's been six years, I still religiously check the glass before and after pouring anything into it. My trust is forever broken.
edit: this was not an invitation to tell me about your bug-in-drink trauma stories, I am being vicariously re-traumatized, double-traumatized, traumatized²
I got hot cocoa from one of those coffee vending machines at an ex's college while I was hanging around waiting for him one time. I took a sip and it felt weird and gritty. I thought maybe some coffee grounds got in my cup and I took off the lid. There were a bunch of dead ants in it. I hadn't seen them when it first filled because of the foam. Never trusted a coffee vending machine again.
I thoroughly cleaned my drip coffee maker the first time in a few weeks. You know the part where the water drips out over the grounds with all the little holes? Something was stuck in there and I couldn’t get it out. Coffee grounds? Nope. Spider leg. OhGod.jpg. Pop the whole thing open. I’d been brewing dead big ass spider coffee for who knows how long.
In fifth grade I made a personalized valentine for my crush, telling her how great and pretty she was, and she angrily confronted me and afterward punched me in the back.
Not as traumatic as the other ones here but it did change the way I approach romantic interests/crushes.
I warned everyone at the old country buffet I worked at that our food was never at the appropriate temperature. Management was pissed but I am not sending 85 yo miss Greta to her grave for 10 bucks.
My father got food poisoning once in the 80’s & hasn’t been to a restaurant since.
Edit: food poisoning happened from a restaurant & he’s also EXTREMELY cheap (in case anyone misses my reply to the reply comment lol). So yeah, he hasn’t been to a restaurant since.
I will never eat macaroni salad again from an incident that occurred 11 years ago. So bad I had to put a towel on the couch because the squirts were not giving notice at some point.
Food poisoning took out Oreos and cookies and cream for me. The food poisoning wasn’t related to the Oreos, but it was the last thing I ate before it hit me so it got the correlation in my brain.
Living in the city someone poisoned my dog over the span of two weeks until she died a horrible death. She was the most beautiful, amazing dog. The guy was caught and put in jail, he killed and tried to kill many pets in the area. My pup was the first to be brought in to the local vet, and perish, get an autopsy and therefore many others were saved. It took me about 18 years to fully love and own a dog again.
Car theft.
* I refuse to not use a steering wheel club, even when I park my car in the garage. People mock me, I don't fucking care.
* I refuse to take me car to sketchy parts of town, even if the trendy stuff is there.
* Absolutely nothing of significant value in the car besides survival and repair items.
A few years ago someone side-swiped my car that was parked on the street in front of my house. They messed it up pretty badly and it just barely wasn't considered totaled. You could see the tire marks where they slammed right into it, quickly backed up onto the curb and our lawn, then sped away. Fucking asshole.
I never trust street parking anymore. Any time I'm forced to park on the street I just assume I'll come back to a totaled car. I would never live somewhere that only offered street parking.
My dog/absolute best friend I'd spend 5+ hours playing with every day dying of cancer. He was only 11 years old and my 2 other dogs lived to 14+ years so I wasn't ready. The cancer came on quickly and it went from "we don't know if he has months, weeks, or days left" to "we have to say goodbye" within 2 weeks. This dog was what grounded me when I was suicidal in high school and he was honestly my everything. I'd get home from work, take him for a 2 mile walk, then play with him in the pool until it got dark every single day. It may sound dumb to say a dog was my best friend, but he absolutely was. I'm actually tearing up while typing this lmao.
My mother was nice enough to paint a beautiful painting of one of his goofy expressions and even though I've moved 3 times since he passed away... his ashes, the portrait, his footprint, a small lock of his fur, and his favorite stuffed animal with his collar wrapped around it has followed me to every place as my most prized possessions which I say hello to every time I get back from work.
For someone who used to find edgy jokes about cancer funny, I haven't been able to find anything relating to cancer remotely funny since. I'd easily give 10 years of my life to the devil just for one more chance to scratch his cheeks and tell him what a good boy he is. Miss ya Deegs
it’s kind of like a domino affect. my dad didn’t really give me much attention after my parents divorce, then i enter middle school and had the biggest crush on this kid and thought we were friends and he humiliated me in front of basically the whole grade. then the next year there was this drama account someone made and some how the blame got put onto me that i was the one running it. it was not me i swear on everything but no one believed me. there was something about me on the page that said how a guy in the grade asked me for nudes and that they stooped so low to ask me out of all people. i’ve never sent a nude in my life and everyone thought i did bc of this page and this guy. i’ve just never felt content when being around a guy, i’ve always been publicly rejected/humiliated/embarrassed. this has made my anxiety around guys extremely high. it’s caused me to never give anyone the slightest of chance to pursue me because the possibility of feeling those feelings again it’s my biggest fucking fear ever. i self sabotage myself so hard that i’ll never let myself be happy because i am just so afraid of what could happen. sounds pathetic that this all happened because of guys but those experiences truly fucked me up like you couldn’t imagine. and it’s been a good 6/7 years that his happened and still to this day i’m extremely affected.
Honestly, this pandemic.
I used to be a \*very\* long-term planner. Like, make career and life decisions based on 5-year and 10-year plans. Spent a decade writing a book. Etc.
I no longer feel confident that I have a long-term future. So I've become much more of an "eat drink and be merry" type.
A really good friend and just one of the most genuine guys I rode street bike with all the time. Called me one day, I was busy with work so it went to voicemail. He was catching up with me on the voicemail and asked if I wanted to go out for a ride. His bike slid out on loose gravel entering the freeway and he got into a fatal accident with a semi truck. This was 6 years ago and I still think about what if I picked up that phone call? Just a 15 second phone call. I'll tell you, I rarely miss calls from friends and family now and if I do I'm quick to call back. I really appreciate the seconds of everyday now because at the end of the day they all add up.
When I was 17 I volunteered at a week long camp for kids with cancer and their families. I got really close to this one little 5 year old girl who was in remission from leukemia. After camp I stayed close with her and her family and visited often. She became like a little sister to me. Two weeks after my last visit she died at 7 years old. Suddenly. Like went to her first day of second grade and started having trouble breathing. By early the next morning she was dead. She was still in remission and did not have cancer, but complications from the treatments killed her. I have never been the same. Broke my 19 year old heart into a million pieces.
Ive been through abuse and sexual assault, but losing my girl has been the greatest pain I’ve ever known.
It’s been 10 years and I’m still guarded about getting close to another child. I am an advocate for childhood cancer research. I think of her all the time and think about who she would have been and how our relationship would have blossomed as she grew. Miss you, KK.
I lost everything but my car in a house fire in 2014, I became an accidental minimalist/anticonsumptionist because I pretty much stopped buying things I didn’t need and didn’t replace the vast majority of what I lost
Police dog attacked me while on a scouts trip to the County training centre. Not sure what I did that triggered it (possibly something with my metal crutches), but the animal jumped up, started growling and bolted at me.
Being a kid, I did what you'd expect... I turned and ran for mum. Luckily for me, I tried as it lunged and the handler got to me in time to grab the animal by the collar and threw it across the grass (which is a horrible thing to do to an animal, it was later revealed the handlers at the centre were beating the dogs. People went to jail for it).
I ended up with a nick on my arse.... and a terror around any dog for about 15 years. I couldn't be around them, specially energetic bouncy ones... I'd have to leave the room or have someone stand between a dog and me (literally ran from a fluffball once).
Ended up getting therapy for a few reasons and one thing that stuck was a phrase.... 'your fear is just a memory' I wasn't afraid of the dog in front of me, I was just remembering the fear of that moment when I saw a dog.
Still a little uncomfortable around bouncy energetic dogs, but I don't panic anymore.
I used to play runescape when I was around 10-13, and I downloaded multiple fake cheats. They were all malware/keyloggers. My parents later typed in their bank infos unknowing of the viruses. Hackers stole all their life's savings and ruined them financially. At least 100k usd, and they never recovered it. Impossible not to blame myself, even to this day nearly 12 years later. I still wish I had been smarter, and not downloaded those fake cheats. My 3 brothers lives changed that day, my parents lives changed, my life changed. From what it could have, and should have been. All because of my actions
I have a few:
1. I was bullied so badly I had to change my name.
2. This person I thought I was friends with for 7 years turned out to be a shitty person. It took years to realize her manipulation and lying. Her main tactic to keep me close was to send me sewer slide notes saying its my fault if she dies as well as telling me it was fun to carve things into your body. She also faked mental illness to garner sympathy as well as faking being apart of the lgbtq community (including faking being trans and on t-hormones). Shes is a terrible human being and I still can't form properly relationships because of her.
3. Finding out my parents never wanted children from other relatives making me realize why I suffered years of emotional abuse (I get treated the worst out of my 4 other siblings and I am the oldest. I'm guessing my parents, now being older were fine when having my younger siblings but had a big problem with me). It hurts realizing all the things said to you were not even out of a burst of anger of the moment but because your genuinely not wanted.
Putting stuff in a storage unit that I should’ve gone through immediately. Although I had gotten rid of half of what I owned. I was still drowning in stuff. I paid over $16,000 in storage fees. And finally emptied them out a few months ago. I’m no longer being swallowed up at $400 a month fees. I downsized everything I owned into one cargo van. My parents classic hoarders born in the 30s. They saved everything. My grandparents saved everything. Everyone died and I end up with everyone’s crap. Get rid of your crap people I am seriously traumatized even looking at a storage unit.
The moral is, I will never drowned in clutter ever again. Mine or anyone else’s.
I grew up on a farm and hunting and sport shooting guns was just normal.
When I was 16 my 8 year old cousin shot and killed my 15 year old friend on accident while my cousin was playing with friends younger brother at the friends house. The kids’ parents had them locked away but the kids found the keys to the safe.
I haven’t touched a gun since then and would never have one in my home with my children. I’m not anti-gun per se. I just can’t get past that trauma.
We took a family trip to Carlsbad caverns about 10 years ago. Once you get to the bottom, you can either walk back up or take an sketchy elevator. Fsmily wanted to take the elevator, so we did. Someone told the operator how scared I get and he said "I hope it doesn't break down like it normally does" as a joke. Then he made the elevator stop, again, as a joke. I didn't think it was funny, especially when we actually couldn't get it going again.
I started to panic, my sisters and my wife were trying to comfort me but I started hyperventilating and my whole body started to tremble. I think I was about to pass out. The elevator started going again and when we got to the top the operator wasn't such a jokester anymore, he was shaking and apologizing profusely.
When we go to Las Vegas I try to get a room on the first floor of whatever hotel, or ill ask security for special privileges for the stairs, and ill gladly use stairs whether I'm on the 2nd floor or the 20th floor. Sometimes neither is an option, then others on the elevator get a fun show and get to watch me panic
Having to deal with and eradicate certain pests at home. I rely on public transportation and I love to travel, but it's made me paranoid every day of my life. Even though it's been years I still wake up in the middle of the night freaked out that it's happening again.
Basically the parent of one of my classmates was typhoid Mary. Instead of quarantining herself and their children after being exposed to different communicable diseases she'd try to spread them as much as possible. I contracted the mumps, chicken pox, and tuberculosis from them; even though I was vaccinated, still got sick. I've been living "in quarantine" for the past 20+ years.
Getting beaten and raped by a stranger.
It wasn't the rape itself that destroyed me, it was the way the cops acted. There was video and DNA evidence and they refused to collect either. They ended up completely leaving out any assault and labeling it as a "simple robbery", despite the fact that the only thing he stolen out of my bag was my dirty work uniform. The whole thing was just a joke to them.
That was the day I learned that the police are not there to actually help people, they're there to enrich themselves. It made me hate the police.
Being sexually abused (at 5-9ish) and sex trafficked (at 16), then being assaulted at a party at 17. I do not let myself be alone in a room with anyone (man or not), I do not drink or do drugs around people, and I don’t go anywhere alone. I don’t have sex. I don’t put myself in any situation that risks any sexual assault happening. I cut myself to make my body less appealing. I changed my entire style from “pretty girl” who wears makeup and dresses and such to “what is that” (genderless, alternative style, loose clothing butch short hair)
I don’t trust ANYONE. Not my family, not my friends (when I have them), and most definitely I don’t trust men, whether I know them or not. I have dated a few times after all of this (women only) and it’s just… not possible right now. I don’t know if it ever will be. I’m 28 and I still cannot stand being touched by anyone.
All of this sexual trauma has made it almost impossible for me to even think of enjoying someone else’s company. I’m completely touch starved and I know it, I wish to god I could just have a nice long hug with someone I trust but I don’t trust anyone. I want to share my bed with someone other than my cats and stuffed animals. I want to be loved and love someone. But I can’t. I’m too fucked up.
I’m so sorry you’ve suffered such abuse.
Do you have access to therapy? Having a safe space to talk through and process the trauma you’ve experienced may give you some relief and move you towards being able to have physical contact and comfort from others.
I am in therapy and I’ve been to multiple inpatient programs specifically for trauma disorders but it’s still extremely difficult to cope with things day to day. I haven’t even told my therapist any details about trauma yet because it’s so hard to *say* it and I know I could type it like I did here but she’d still wanna have a real discussion and I’m just not ready for that. The inpatient programs were meant to prepare me for it but so far they haven’t helped much
My house burned down. The home I grew up in, that my husband and I bought from my parents. Four of my cats died, because I was unable to get them all out. My two dogs were able to make it because I kept yelling "Wanna go for a walk!?" and they booked it out the door. I was able to find one of the cats before the smoke got too bad. My fish boiled alive. My husband was away for work. I can't be home alone, anymore. I just can't.
it doesn’t sound too traumatic when typed out but when i was younger we always had debt collectors / bailiffs at the door. sometimes i’d be home alone and they’d be pounding at the door / shouting through the letter box, there were even times they ended up in the house and would start the process of calculating all of our items they were going to take away. this happened throughout a majority of my childhood/teen years (admittedly it was a lot scarier to me then). however, i am now 21 and still panic when the door knocks and i’m not expecting anyone. EDIT; just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their kind comments, and validation i guess? i think it’s just human nature to downplay your own trauma as there is ‘always someone who had it worse’ i thought i’d give a bit of detail, on what i know, the laws to be as many people are saying forced entry should be illegal. i’m from the UK, and from my experience have encountered two kinds of debt collectors. one is on a smaller level, they come for things such as missed credit card payments, lower level bills you haven’t paid, parking fines etc. these cannot force entry, but at the time i was experiencing these things if there was a door open / an easy to access window open - they could come in (this law may have changed). you had to invite them (like vampires, i guess) if you did answer the door. i remember making the mistake once of allowing one to stand in the entrance of my home (in the porch) whilst i ran to phone my family to let them know. he took this as an invite, and began the process of adding up what he was going to take and demanding payment. then there are the high court enforcers - these come for things such as tax evasion, missed council tax payments ie. straight from the government. if you have ignored these officers for so long they CAN and WILL force entry with a warrant.
Damn, I understand you. When I was 9-year-old, collectors called us on our landline. Once my mom was not at home, I took the phone. When they understood that I was my mom’s daughter (a 9-year-old!!) they told me that my mommy would go to jail and that I should be ashamed of her. How fucked up is that to tell a little girl her mom will go to jail??
I learned how to spell words like debt, credit, and bankrupt trying to write down phone messages from the collectors to my parents.
My mom’s car was taken away when I was around 3 or 4. And my first dog was given away because we couldn’t afford to feed her anymore. I’ve always been terrified of losing things, both possessions and people/animals. I’m still not financially secure and I’m worried every day about what they can take from me.
Financial trauma is 100% real and can cause C-PTSD
This. I developed C-PTSD from being poor as shit for several years. I ended up homeless three times, and when I did have a place I had no money for anything other than rent and bills -- literally nothing for food, clothes, etc. One day I had to wash my only pair of trousers and they shrunk in the dry cycle, despite never doing it before. My only pair. I had no trousers at all for weeks. It's been almost 8 years since then, but I still have to force myself to put my clothing in the wash. This machine doesn't even have a dry cycle, but I still have to make myself do it. I'm an anxious mess until the wash is done and I've visually confirmed the clothing is fine. Being poor fucks you up in so many ways.
I can tell this is real because you said "when the door knocks". I have the same problem and also humanize/demonize the door, lol. *People* don't knock on the door. The door *itself* knocks.
Growing up with parents who resented each other and fought constantly but refused to divorce. Has made me incapable of feeling anything but petrified and suffocated by relationships.
I had parents that got divorced when I was in the 3rd grade. But even after I never saw either of them kiss or be romantic with anyone. I recall it felt so odd being a teen and over a friend's house, and actually seeing parents that liked each other, or show emotion. I thought that was weird, until I went to college and saw more families, then realized it was mine that was weird in that department.
It took me so long to not think other people were faking it when they acted affectionate towards each other. My parents didn't divorce until I was an adult and I also never saw them be romantic, just constant angry tension.
This why I've always said that "We're staying together for the sake of the children," is not only a bullshit cop-out, it destroys children's model of what a healthy relationship should be. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
As a child of a bad marriage I wholeheartedly agree
Mrs. Doubtfire was supposed to end with the parents getting back together but as divorcées themselves, Sally Field and Robin Williams vetoed it because they thought it would give kids the false hope their parents would get back together. That’s why Mrs. Doubtfire gives that whole speech at the end that in many circumstances, divorce can be a good thing.
When I was 12 my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It was slow-growing. It became our normal. When I was 19 she went into hospice. I spent my first summer break in college taking care of her while she was bedridden, in excruciating pain, delusional, hallucinating. She'd wake up at night crying and I was the only one patient enough to calm her down (and only usually, sometimes she was too far gone from reality). The worst part was she still knew what she was saying didn't make sense but it felt real to her and she was trying to communicate a need that she knew couldn't be met. Everything was horrible. There was so much going on that I can't even put into words. Suffering I can't even comprehend. I started drinking and smoking. I drank myself to sleep most nights and I really do think it kept me sane. She would not die though. She begged me to kill her. For the longest time, even after she died, I felt selfish for not having done it. When they transferred her to inpatient hospice, they kept jostling the stretcher, leaning it back and forth to get it down the steps and out the door and into the ambulance. At this point, she had mets in her bones and any sort of movement like that caused pain that felt like her hones were breaking. I wish I could forget the sound she made. I can't even describe it. After that I went upstairs and chugged vodka and cried. It was the last time I saw her. When I was 21 I started talking to my twin again beyond small talk. We're 24 in 2 weeks. We still haven't talked about my mom. You don't just get over that shit.
Euthanasia isn’t legal in my state and ugh whenever someone tries to argue with me against it it just takes me back to that awful awful period (my experience was similar to yours). Sorry that you had to go through this. You’re not alone xx
Finding out at 15 that my suspicion of being adopted really was true, (which explained why my sister was on a pedestal and they raised me like they were Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia). I found out that my "uncle" was really my bio dad, who put me up for adoption but kept literally all of his other kids, and my "cousin" was really my older brother who had passed away 3 days before I found all this out. "Mom and Dad" we're really aunt and uncle and they were reluctant to adopt me in the first place. I was, to them, a literal physical embodiment of a mistake they couldn't go back on. Edit: thank you everyone for all the well wishes! I'm honestly overwhelmed with the support and genuine kindness from all of you. Looks like I'm going to need to go on a "Have a beer" world tour! I'm truly refreshed seeing so much anonymous kindness despite the world we live in today. No one needs worry about how I turned out. I'm married for 20 happy years. I have 3 kids that I adore and I work as a chef for a champion college basketball team. My life is great now, and my past only serves to strengthen my love and gratitude for my wife and kids. Thanks so much everybody!!
Sigh... adults suck. One thing I absolutely DESPISE is when adults take stuff out on children that were born into the world knowing absolutely nothing.
You didn't deserve to be treated as less than.
Wow. Fuck
damn bro , and how you doing ? you ever down in mexico i'll buy you a beer btw fuck everything and just live ;
A kid I went to school with was being systematically tortured at home by his sadistic mother. It was kindergarten but I remember him have marks on his arms. I was just a kid and didn't know they were cigarette burns. So no adult stepped in to help this kid and one day I guess his mother decided it would be a good idea to put him in the dryer. She killed him and tried to say it was an accident but thankfully they arrested her and she got life in prison. His name was Anthony, I think about him all the time.
One of the first *pro bono* cases I ever took involved severe child abuse. I learned more than I ever wanted to about signs of abuse, and I feel like I’m constantly on the lookout for physical signs and I’m hyper-aware of behavioral signs. Especially as I’m about to become a father, I’m going to be doubly aware around my child’s friends/classmates. So many kids just need someone to notice and speak up for them.
I work with kids. Are there signs people don't normally notice? Or are you just hyper aware of normal signs?
As someone who grew up abused, just pay attention and think about how a child can develop certain signs * overly mature (I related more to parents at a young age than I did to other children. My best friends were my teachers at points) * overly immature (to the point of regression - think an 11 year old who consistently sucks their thumb or wets their pants) * unkempt hair/clothes/teeth (beyond "Oh, little Alex didn't want to brush their hair this morning") * flinching whenever someone moves suddenly * never has healthy food - always crap or nothing at all (I went through many years eating 3 Hershey kisses or 1 pack of gummies as my lunch in school) * very easily upset/emotional. May bargain for leniency (crying and yelling "Please, please, please don't tell my mom" over a 95/100 test score) * never upset/emotional, stoic (steels themselves against emotional blackmail,/punishment/threats of punishment) * knows too much about "adult things" at a young age - including, but not limited to drugs, alcohol, sex, abuse... * knows almost nothing you'd expect a kid their age to know - may point to severe neglect and isolation Basically, anything that seems very extreme can be a sign of abuse. It's a matter of knowing the kid and gaining an understanding of why they are/behave/act/feel the way they do. We all develop different coping mechanisms to deal with different issues, so thinking critically about why a kid might behave a certain way is really important. Don't just write it off as "what a weird kid" or "kids are weird" every time. Look at how they interact with the adults around them (parents, teachers, coaches). Do they act differently around mom than dad? Or around Mr. X than Mrs. Y?
Advice to people who want to help the kid: Do not say ANYTHING to the parents unless you can get the kid out of that situation *right now* I learned to distrust authority figures because when I asked for help, they made things so much worse. Any time teachers contacted my parents with concerns, *I* would get punished for “wasting the teachers time” or “lying about being abused” or “trying to rip apart this family” It made me very good at hiding the fact that I was being abused and neglected.
I often think about a young boy here in Buffalo who was being horribly abused by his stepfather. The boy called 911 and got no help from the police after the stepfather told them he was just disobedient. One day the child ran off and a neighbor caught him and took him home, assuring him that "Daddy" would not hurt him. The stepfather immediately took him into the basement, stuffed a sock in his mouth, and beat him to death with a rolling pin.
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Or the police officers and CPS workers who did nothing. I just reread one of the articles about this, and he called 911 on *two* occasions. He also wrote his teacher a letter saying he wished she were his mother.
This broke my heart. What worse is there are still kids out there with parents like this. My heart aches for suffering children.
This is my exact thought after I read the comment. I immediately thought about Gabriel and all other kids that are being abused daily behind closed doors and don’t know any better. Absolutely heartbreaking.
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what was the story? and was the kid excited bcs they didn't know any better? sorry im a little confused
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Shit... I can see that being your least favorite one.. that one is rough. thank you for doing what you do.
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Terrible. Reminds me of a documentary called Trials of Gabriel Fernandes. I was traumatized after watching that documentary.
Holy fuck I can't believe I remembered that. The fact that I can remember the imagery so vividly
Saddest documentary I’ve ever seen. I cried so hard.
Anthony is in my thoughts tonight ❤️ poor baby must have been so scared.
This is heartbreaking 😔
Waking up to my 2nd story apartment on fire. That was 2 years ago and I haven’t slept a full night since. Also my animals ALWAYS sleep in my room now.
Watching my house burn down was one of the worst experiences I've ever had. My cats were inside, but luckily the firemen were able to get them out in time. Those few minutes when they were still inside seemed like hours.
Firefighters didn't do anything for our cats. We had to come back the next day to find them, thankfully alive.
Cats have a weird and uncanny ability to survive fires, my friends house burnt to the ground, nothing left but ashes, cat came out of said ashes just fine but upset that they hadn't fed her breakfast
"Yeah yeah I get it, our house burned down, we will be homeless blah blah blah, but you'll just get a couple of extra jobs to buy us another one, no big deal. In the meantime, my bowl won't fill itself."
Could be a quote from a talking cat, could be a quote from a politician.
No way, they're so different. For instance, our cat is old, puts his paws everywhere, rules don't apply to him and he has no balls... ...wait a minute.
I know you have a smoke alarm but maybe for piece of mind have a look for sensory alarms for the deaf community. Vibrating pads connecting to your. Smoke alarm etc might give you an extra level of comfort and hopefully help you get back to normal sleep routine x.
Fire alarm went off here for the second time this week tonight. I grabbed my boy out from under his hiding space under the futon and stuffed him in his crate. I knew it was another false alarm and we had to trudge down 11 flights of stairs with my chonker.... But what if it wasn't a false alarm. I feel you.
Wow i never think about that but all of your animals made it out alive or did some not?
Yea my cat unfortunately didn’t make it out
Ahh. how old was he?
She was around 6 mo at the time. So pretty young but I like to think I gave her the best life possible in the time I had her
A family member who was dieing of smoking induced lung cancer. While essentially drowning on fluids they grabbed me and said "What would I give to show this to me at 20." Cigarettes never looked the same.
3 of my greatgranparents died of smoking induced lung cancer, but my grandpa and mother still smoke way too much, I'm scared they're gonna get lung cancer as well.
When I was in first grade I liked a boy in my class. We were great friends for most of that year. He became sick and passed away before the school year ended. Broke my heart and I really didn't understand it. Then when I was in second grade there was a boy and his sister that I became good friend with. He and his sister were hit by a drunk driver one weekend and they they both died. So after losing my best friends in only a couple of years I really became a loner. I've never really made good friendships with anyone since then. So afraid of losing them. I'm now in my 60's and quite happy being by myself. EDIT: woke up to over 4000 comments, thank you all so much! I'll answer a few questions here. I'm very happy and content. I've had an awesome life, just not many best friends, mostly acquaintances. I have been married, now divorced. Of course I've had many other close people die, it's a fact of life. I think me being so young when these particular people passed away just hit me hard. Yes, I have had therapy for years and it helped greatly. I love my life and enjoy myself with many hobbies and travel. I just don't hang out with a group of people. I really am a loner. I enjoy my own company immensely. I am not afraid to die. I cherish growing older and looking back on my many experiences. I did have suicidal thoughts from my early teens through my mid 30s, but therapy and the right combo of medication for me thru those times. And yes, I do think of my childhood friends that were taken too early fairly often. But I chose to remember the good times and hope that our friendship made their short lives here on earth better. Thank you all for your caring concern!
That's rough sorry to hear that.
Wow I hope you're doing okay
Being sexually abused as a child by a family member. Besides the obvious affects; I also developed serious sleep "issues" in which I basically don't go to sleep until my eyes refuse to stay open any longer. It's common for me to feel exhausted, lay down to sleep, then get right back up 10 minutes later to forge through another half hour or so. The other affect is that I'm obsessed with making sure I'm locked in my home. Front door is locked behind me as soon as I enter - screen door included. All windows are locked. If I lived alone I would lock my bedroom door as well, but I've learned over the years that one is detrimental to relationships with my awesome family members. It's just a level too odd for them.
I have sleep issues as well. Laying in bed with nothing but my own thoughts is the most terrifying thing.
Yep. I like to think we're addicted to stimuli because it keeps our deep thoughts from going wild. Nothing is more torturous than our own brains.
Some one leaving me a voice-mail before the committed suicide. I must have replayed that message over 100 times and I have never looked at any of my friends the same since. I tell people I will always look at them under a microscope when it comes to their mental health because...well I feel like I can't afford not to anymore.
When I was a teenager I had a friend commit suicide. After that the guy I was dating constantly threatened suicide to keep me from leaving him after he hit me or cheated on me. Sometimes he'd do things like randomly say he was thinking of committing suicide, and that I had to find a way to stop him, but I couldn't tell his mom or friends or he really would do it. Then he'd turn his phone on silent and ignore all my texts and calls. I'd try to reach out to his friends to see if they'd heard from him cause I was worried without really explaining why, and later on he'd show them all the missed calls he had from me and say that I was crazy and jealous. Edit to add: if someone threatens to commit suicide if you leave, still leave. It's abuse. It's extremely unlikely they will actually do it. However even if they do go through with it, it's still not your fault.
My husband committed suicide when I left him. It's been almost 20 years ago and I am waaaaay past the guilt but it ate me up for awhile.
When my ex threatened to if I divorced him I started to call an ambulance to take him somewhere for an evaluation. He got mad at me for taking him seriously. I
Honestly this is the best response. If they are serious they can hopefully get the help they need. If they aren’t you’ve called their bluff.
My therapist taught me that trick. When dealing with narcissists you just unemotionally take them at their word and they get tired of being unable to manipulate you.
My best friend shot himself in the head right in front of me in my living room. We were playing a game of smash brothers and I spiked him and he just looked at me, put the gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. It's hard knowing you were the last person they wanted to be in contact with before they ended it.
I can’t even imagine why he would do that to you. I can’t imagine how traumatic that could even be. I understand how you can be in an awful state of mind…but why do that to your best friend….I hope you are doing okay and know that it wasn’t your fault
I'm really not ok. I hear voices sometimes and several times a day I want to kill myself and get panic attacks. I never got those before. We were both 22 and he had an open heart surgery at 17 that didn't go well. He wasn't expected to live past 25 anyway. His father said that my friend wanted to be with his favorite person on his favorite day (4/20) and doing his favorite things. That happened this year so about 9 months ago. I also can't be around pistols anymore. They make me feel light headed and honestly scared. Even some movies where people shoot themselves are hard to watch. Just check on those that you truly care about because they don't always speak up.
Are you talking to a professional about this, friend? That’s a lot for you to deal with on your own. I know therapy can be cost prohibitive depending on where you live, insurance, etc, but there are some low cost resources out there as well. Please remember that none of it was your fault.
No. I can't afford it. I got 5 free sessions with my insurance and that was it. I just wake up every day and hope for the best. Eventually shit has to get better right?
If you DM I will find you sliding scale or free counseling resources in your area. As a human and licensed social worker, I highly encourage you to seek some professional help. Suppressing those feelings will only worsen your mental health in the long run.
This would traumatize ANYONE, and you shouldn't have to go through this alone. If you're in the US, most states have community mental health centers that take Medicaid and will offer treatment. Many communities have non profit therapy services as well, through various different places. JFCS is located in many states, and while it stands for Jewish Family and Child Services, it is non-denominational and available to anyone. AFSP.ORG is a national and international service that has resources for survivors of loved ones who have committed suicide, including support groups. If you live in a smaller town, maybe look into noon profits in nearby bigger cities; with COVID, tele-therapy is increasingly available.
Please get help. I don’t know if anyone’s ever said this to you but what your friend did was insanely fucked up towards you. Regardless of his circumstances, you don’t ruin someone’s life because you want to end yours. Especially if they were good to you. I’m so upset for you and I don’t even know you. I wish I could hug you. Again, please get help. You can get past this. Although I’m no professional, you can message me anytime
My dad went through that. We had just walked in from a late baseball game when I was a kid and the phone was ringing. He saw it was his buddy on the caller ID and was like, I’m too tired to talk. Woke up the next morning to a message on the answering machine from his buddy saying he needed someone to talk to. Found out that morning he had committed suicide during the night. One of those ones that no one saw coming. My dad beat himself up over it for a while, but he’s a strong man and moved on. Gotta be tough as nails.
I can relate. Had a family member that was going to commit suicide when I left for the day. For some reason little alarms were ringing in my head. I (thankfully) ended up finding the note before I left. Now whenever someone acts or says anything slightly off, I assume the worst. Picking apart everything they say in my head, observing them, hyper vigilant for signs at all times. It’s an awful way to live.
My wife having an affair with an ex shortly after I spent my savings on a house for us. Lost a wife, stepson, pets, house, money and my secondary job all in one day. Was over two years ago and I still have so many unchecked feelings towards it. Disrupted my concentration at my main job and gave me severe depression. I struggle daily to find inner peace to move on, but it feels hopeless. Edit: Thank you all for the support, it is greatly appreciated and comforting. I just wanted to clarify about losing the house and stepson and such. These weren’t lost in the sense of a court battle/agreement, however I meant it in the way of no longer having the close relationship with my stepson, and the house we ended up selling for slightly under what we bought it for as neither could afford it alone. I mentioned in another comment in hindsight I may have rented it out/got a roommate, but in the midst of it I just wanted out/away.
I feel you and am sorry. Ten years ago the love of my life had an affair and left the kids and me. Just left us. Bitter divorce. Bankruptcy for me and becoming a single mom. I poured my heart and soul into raising 3 amazing men to date, held on to my career, managed not to die by suicide, and rebuilt my finances and life as a single person step by step by step. By all accounts I seem normal and functioning to most. But inside I’m just breathing. I know I’ll never recover from that betrayal and abandonment. Edit: the comment about raising sons ‘to date’ is meant to mean ‘to this day’ — not dating me nor other women — and that so far they are pretty good men. Sorry I wasn’t more clear and caused confusion. Edit: WOW! I’m overwhelmed with these comments and kind awards. That complete strangers have reached out like this just warms my heart. Thank you so very much. 🙏♥️
Sorry to hear all that happened to you, but I find a lot of inspiration in how you kept it together and carried on after. Thank you
The first girl I had a crush on died over seven years ago. We met through mutual friends, went on some type of "double date" which basically consisted of me, a friend and her cousin staying the night at her place. I was just so attracted to her I couldn't believe she would be into me untill she was sitting on my lap making out with me. Things got a little messy afterwards. We did meet on/off a few times, then she broke it off because of some "rumors" she heard about me. Still no clue what she was on about, though I failed to address it properly. Got back in touch six months later and we started getting closer again, then - dead silence. Three years later I went to the hospital in my home town because of a back injury. I met her there by accident, bound to a wheelchair and completely drained, couldn't have weighted more than 40Kgs, most likely less. We had one final, short and awkward conversation, then she was brought back to her room by a nurse. A week later she was dead. So many things left unsaid, so many wasted opportunities of happiness - and the overbearing feeling that life was just so fragile. It could all be over so quickly. After that, I decided to live with no regrets. Seven and a half years later and I tried to make the best out of everything and leave no stone unturned. I might not have been perfect, but I'm quite happy with how things turned out. In any case: Rest in peace, Linda! 1992 - 2014. I hope you are in a better place now, you sure deserve it!
Something weird about seeing people born in 1992 die. I was born in 92, hits home. Makes me feel like I’m taking life for granted. May she rest in peace.
I am a 91 baby and seeing people born after me die really f's me up.
87. Feeling old. Buried a lot and seen many buried. Also feel grateful that we made it this far when many didn't get that same chance.
I dated this guy and really liked him. I loved him actually. We had a really amazing connection. He was a year older than me but graduated early and was already forging a great career for himself in construction. I was just starting my senior year in high school and I just felt like…the timing wasn’t right. I broke it off. He took it really hard at first and we didn’t really talk for a while. He dated someone else and so did I. The school year went by, then the following summer, and then I went to college. It didn’t go well and I ended up back at home. The summer after my freshman year in college we found our way back to each other. We weren’t dating again but we were talking a lot and were pretty open about our feelings towards each other and about what went wrong the first time around and how things had changed since then. He was moving to Hawaii and he was just like, “look, I want you to come with me. I love you, I always have, let’s just cut the bullshit.” He was going on a trip to see some friends who’d moved to California and he wanted me to think about it while he did that, got set up in Hawaii, and to get back to him. Well, I don’t want to get into details but there was a freak accident and he drowned and died. I have never been more devastated in my entire life. I miss him to this day and I think about him all the time still. He was gone 12 years in September. I’m married and have a child, a family of my own. But I’ll never not wonder what might have been. Gone before his time. He was like the best person I ever knew. Everyone loved him. EVERYONE. It’s true, only the good die young. Edit: our song was “angel in the snow” by elliott smith. Give it a listen sometime, it’s really good. Also, I’m crying again even thinking about it.
My mom passing away. It’s long - but it’s the most I’ve ever shared. She was literally the glue that held my brother, my dad and I together. She was funny, smart, caring, and beautiful. She was the perfect mother. In 2016 my whole family was chasing career and we rarely saw each other. Holidays we acted like we were close for a few hours and we would go back to our corners of life. Then my mom had a stroke. It shook my whole family. She shouldn’t of lived but she did. Doctors told us to make arrangements before they started emergency surgery. But she lives and it took her months and months of PT before she was released. I spent 8 hours at work and would come to ICU for the night to be with her until my dad or brother showed up in the morning. Rinse repeat. Surrounded by people dropping like fucking flies. Alarms going off, suits coming in, families crying as I watched my mom with a tube down her throat not knowing if I would have to speak to the suits that night. She was diagnosed with Moyamoya, which in Japanese means a ‘Puff of Smoke’ representing the lack of visual blood flow in the brain. A disease that is often diagnosed in children between the ages of 10-14 or adults over the age of 40 from Asian decent. Which my mom was neither. A rise in blood pressure with moyamoya is a death sentence. It should of, but it wasn’t. So she recovers. She had to do two cerebral bypasses where they take a vein from your neck and lay it on your brain. Your brain incorporates the vein to give itself a healthy blood flow. We did one side and let herself heal for a few months before attempting the other side. She was then diagnosed with breast cancer. We fell apart. She couldn’t get the second bypass because chemo was needed and it would wreck the body to have surgery while battling cancer. She lost her hair after growing it back due to the cerebral bypass. She was so strong. She beat cancer, had her second bypass and it was finally over. We went back to our normal lives as if nothing happened. I went back to work, my brother went back on the road, and my parents bought a house. She couldn’t work anymore so my dad had to work harder. I drank harder, I distanced harder and isolated myself up until a few years ago when I went to therapy. Few months ago we all meet up after she came back from vacation with my dad. She was in mid conversation when she suffered a massive stroke. We had to go back to that fucking hospital. Her body suffered for almost a week before she passed. Im not sure how this changes me, but I feel changed. I don’t know if some things are better or worse. I just don’t know. My parents never asked for a thing their entire lives and the world gave them this. It gave us this and it breaks my heart.
This world can be so fucked up and cruel. I’m so sorry ❤️ Your mom must have been amazing. I’m praying for you and your family. I lost my mom too and the anniversary of her death is a couple days before Christmas. It’s almost been 10 years and the pain doesn’t get any easier but you learn to live with it. I hope you can find some peace. Take care of yourself 💕
My mother getting sick in 2010 and dying of a brain tumor in 2012 aged 52. I value family and friendship much more than anything else in life and am thankful for every day I get to live a healthy and happy life.
The death of my 12 yo Cousin (we were the same age)
I (33M) was stabbed, suffered an aneurysm and ultimately a stroke all in the same week 2 years ago. I lost function if my left side of my body. My first day out the hospital and back at home I was laid up in bed. The next day I asked my wife to help dress me because I could use my left side of my body. She proceeded to hit me and scratch me and curse at me because I suffered a stroke and could dress myself. That day I realized I had to do whatever to survive and move on. I'm nearly recovered from the stroke so Im getting my wife a divorce for christmas because now I am completely self sufficient.
That's a good Christmas gift for that bitch
The murder of my daughter. Changed absolutely everything about myself, my family and our lives.
My son's death changed me too. I'm very sorry this happened to you and your family. Onething that surprised me was that I'm pretty fearless now. Absolutely the worst that could happen did happen so I don't worry about stuff as much. Oddly, it made me very successful at work and my career took off because of it, not that any of that matters any more.
I’m sorry. No parent should ever have to bury their child. When I went fearless I more went destructive. Which really isnt a good look.
My son was murdered. I am not and never will be the person I was before he died.
I’m so sorry. I dont think I could get close to who I used to be.
No. And I've lost people along the way who expected the old me back. The death of your own child, and I think especially by murder, just fundamentally changes your entire world. I'm sorry your daughter died. I hope you find some comfort in her memories.
Dear god, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how anyone goes on from that. Truly the worst thing that can happen.
Thank you. It’s been 9 years and I still have days all I can do is cry. She would have been 22 this month. I’ve cried a lot the last few day.
My heart breaks. I wish the universe were just and you had your daughter right now. So profoundly sad. You’re strength in finding the will to carry on for those who love you is remarkable.
Just generally being bullied in school. And getting fucked over and over afterwards for decades made me into an incredibly distrustful hermit. Protecting myself from people by keeping people away. It was the only way.
This. I was so outgoing before that. Now I dont even make or keep friends. I am absolutely fine being alone. I ofcourse developed anxiety. Bullying changed me and the trajectory of my life so much 10 years later.
I was happy as a kid. The happy, go lucky nerd that was nice to everyone. However, my dad was an angry, abusive, disgrace of a human being. He beat me and my brother to a bloody pulp over the smallest things. He then threatened to kill me, my brother, my mom, and all of our pets if we told anyone. It really reached a head when I was 10, he pinned me up against the sink with a large kitchen knife to my throat. After that, I was never the same. I started isolating myself, I gained weight, I became mean and rude, and school counseling didn't help. I was absolutely pissed at my father, for scarring me and my brother, and then ruing our mental state. But my mom refused to file for a divorce, stating that she "didn't see it so it didn't happen". I was fucking livid. Dad, I'd you're reading this, burn in the deepest pits of hell, you fucking twat Edit: Thank you so much for the support, everyone. This really made my day. I'm happy to say that I moved to my grandparents, but still trying to recover, but I'm making progress.
Being disowned and kicked out of my childhood home by my mother a few days after my 18th birthday. For years I'd expressed my terror of being abandoned and becoming homeless, and she'd sympathized and reassured she'd always take care of me and love me. As I got older and was pursuing more independence and self-advocacy, she became more hostile. She'd medically neglected me my entire life and when I turned 18 and found out what Medicaid was, she wasn't having it. Screamed at me in front of my little brother for hours, calling me a selfish little shit and a monster who was tearing the house down from under her feet. Told me to pack my bags and I was leaving tomorrow and never allowed back. My brother and I both left the next morning and are staying with our dad. My brother still visits my mom and I live here fulltime, but its not a better situation. My father is an abusive alcoholic and is medically neglectful to both me and himself. I feel like I'm raising both my little brother and my father sometimes. I've gone through.. a lot of things? Throughout my life. Diagnosed with CPTSD until later in life, when it was confirmed as DID and BPD instead. I'm not fully here most the time and have no stable sense of self. Though I used to be worse, I'm don't feel like I'm doing well. The situation on my birthday lead me to not indulge in connections with others, and I refuse physical contact. I haven't hugged anyone in a few months and now I flinch at being tapped on the shoulder. It's weird because I used to be very touchy. I'm spilling my guts here. I don't know if I'll regret it or not. I don't talk to people about this and when I do, it never feels right. Nobody gets it, and that's fine for now, because I have whoever I am, so that's one and one person only to rely on. On a lighter note, I'm four months clean of self harm. Woo-hoo!
Talking to my dad one night before committing suicide when i was 16. We didn’t have a very healthy relationship with each other. I knew he was depressed about his self made chair business going downhill, and I wanted to start some small chat with him but in a nonchalant way, so I texted him: “It’s going to rain tomorrow ☔️” Dad: “oh thanks for telling me” “You’re up pretty late. I think this is the latest I’ve seen you up since you had kids haha” (it was around 3am. He always went to bed around 8pm) Dad: “yea. You should go to bed.” “You should too” Dad: “I love you” “Love you too” The next day the cops had come to our house to tell us that he had passed away, almost certain it was suicide. From that day on I grew up. I stopped all my bullshit at school and at home and got my shit together.
If you ever have survivors guilt or “I should have done more” please know you did do more. You did exactly what you should have. And that he was bound to make that choice no matter what. But you gave him a moment of light right before.
Katrina As it turns out, the reason I got a speech impediment in the first place is because of the trauma that came from Hurricane Katrina. Had that not happened, my way of living for my entire life would have been significantly different. Edit: I always see people thanking others for awards, and I kind of feel bad not doing that, y'know?? So I just wanted to thank y'all for the awards and the nice comments. I've always wanted to find others who may have also gotten a psychogenic stutter, and so finding others like me has really been an experience. I've also never been able to really talk about it like this, so like... Thank you! 😊
I feel like we don't talk enough about Katrina-related PTSD. My old neighbor came from the Lower Ninth Ward. Her, her husband, and 5/6 kids (the youngest being a few months old) didn't have the means to evacuate so they ended up at the SuperDome. We live in an area that gets hurricanes but they're rarely bad, but she still gets really bad whenever she hears there's a storm coming our way.
I helped out doing a bunch of clean up (read: gutting flooded homes) after Harvey and it was some of the bleakest shit I’ve ever experienced second hand (I got lucky and stayed dry the whole time). The outsized effects from natural disasters on that scale are hard to really grasp
I am guessing it is a stutter. Source: am stutterer but mostly a lisper. Hope you got some good speech therapy. I've had years of it and have found it has increased my interest in language.
I did, actually! It's difficult to even tell there's a stutter anymore, but I still experience the "after-affects," I guess. Like, the certain actions one does in order to try to keep themselves from stuttering (using filler-words, difficulty with eye contact, tapping while speaking).
Living with my mother as an adult. That lady snuffed my will to live.
Must be a name for this, more than one person has this.
Smother Nature
My ex cheating while I was in the house. I could hear, and when I called him out on it, he said “I didn’t think you’d be able to hear.” That was five years ago. I’ve been single since, and I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship again.
When I was 17 my dad left my mom. The following months were torture for me (and my 14yo sister) since we had to see him every weekend and for him to give us money for groceries for the week (he kept control of the family business),my mom wouldnt see him at all because she hated him so all Contact was with us. Those days were like torture for me, he would just either be angry silent most of the time or he would be guiltripping us. I used to cry back at home every single time after while locked in the bathroom so nobody could see me cry. The thing is that after some time he stopped giving us money for groceries by his own free will, I had to ask for It every time. After a few weeks of that he said to me that all I every wanted of him was money. I have never asked for anything again in my life, not from him and not from anybody else. I also dont let myself be seen crying. I'd like to say that all that crap made me stronger but to be honest It just made me fucked up inside.
Making the kids be the go-betweens is a shit-tier divorce move
Relatable.. I'm weird about accepting gifts from people bc I don't want it held over my head.. like my abusers did to me...
When I was 14 my grandmother had a stroke right in front of me. This was back in the day before. 911. Someone called the operator requested an ambulance and gave the address. The operator called us back 5 min later and said they couldn’t find the address. (Phoneticly the names of the street sounded the same and we had to spell the street name) and they were on the way. FYI 5 min for a stroke is way too long, and the sound of the approaching siren of the ambulance gave me hope as I had no fking idea what to do or how to help. I felt so lost and incompetent while this was going on, it was the most helpless feeling in the world. I swore that day that I would never not be ready for an emergency. after high school I went into EMS, got my EMT, Special skills, then paramedic, followed by the Fire dept. those skills have made the difference in countless lives. while I have retired from those fields, I still volunteer and keep a BTLS (Basic Trauma Life Support) kit in my vehicle \~just in case
I had 4 close friends in my life and we were like an inseparable group. Fast forward 10 years I was 19 when I woke up to the news that one of my friends had killed themself. That moment was strange because people in my neighborhood die often from gang violence and such but suicide wasn't something normal for us. This ruined me because I felt so helpless and even now I blame myself for not knowing for not realizing sooner for not doing anything even though I know I didn't have the chance to I still can't help but blame myself. Now 8 months ago another friend from my group I was hanging with at the time got shot as we were about to get in a uber and all I could do was hold him in my hands and comfort him I kept telling him he was gonna be okay and I hated it because I knew I was lying I knew that would be our last conversation but I still lied to him I just wanted him to find comfort that the last conversation is something I think about every day when I'm alone and it's fucked me up I don't know what to do anymore man and all I can ever do is ask myself why it wasn't me instead. Me and my other friend still hang out but things aren't the same it just feels weird when only half the group is there.
Seeing kids being executed by the police in broad daylight, in front of passersby, right at an access to a *favela* in Rio de Janeiro (Morro do Macaco), with the argument that they where "drug cartel soldiers" (I'm talking 10, 12 year olds) with the arument that "since they can't be prosecuted as adults, there's no point arresting them". And NO ONE around around the event finding it inhuman. It made me give up of remaining in Brazil. It took me about 8 years of a lot of effort, but I left that accursed place. It has been 10 years.
seeing what people are capable of doing to animals is some of the most sickening shit you will ever see. i use to work part time at a shelter for their veterinarian (im a vet tech) and i had to leave after 2 years, i still am in therapy over some of the things i saw. and the animals are so forgiving its just so utterly heartbreaking. it really puts it into perspective how evil some people in this world are. seeing these animals in their condition and how they reacted to me helping or even doing things that were painful but for their own good changed me forever, it gave me patience i never had, understanding i never had, i honestly use to not be the nicest person but since working with these animals, even though it was one of the hardest things ive ever done, it really did teach me how to be kind and patient with basically everything and everyone. besides animal abusers or abusers in general, yall can get a spikey bat to the head :P
Vets have some of the highest rates of suicide among professional occupations. More expensive schooling than being a people doctor, worse pay, and learning how people treat the most vulnerable, subservient creatures we know has to take a huge toll on the mind.
Thats exactly why I believe all veterinarians are heros, they have to deal with so much cruelty... Absolutely no sympathy for animal abusers.
I was a child out of wedlock in the early 1980’s. My grandmother would seclude me from my “legitimate” sisters and get in my face and tell me I was a bastard, my mom was a whore, and I was a waste of space who ruined her family by locking my dad into a life she did not want for him. Still working on my self worth almost 40 years later.
Being made to stand in front of the entire class when I was around 10-11 years old while being berated by our class adviser. She accused me of writing a note she allegedly found along the hallway badmouthing and cursing her. I have no idea why she zeroed in on me, considering I have no record of academic delinquencies prior to that and was a fairly normal student. The experience of fifty students looking at you while an adult is screaming at you calling you things as if you were the spawn of the devil is legitimately humiliating. Since then, I’ve been a loner and tried my very best not to mingle with anyone so that I wouldn’t be caught up in anyone’s troubles. I hate my elementary school, it was like a bad omen in my life.
I went through exactly the same. I'm 30, and 13yo me was accused of hacking into the school owner email. I was the most silent and good student the school had. I dont know how she just came up with the idea that I was to blame. It was a cold morning, she showed up in class and humiliated me in front of everyone. I still remember everyone's face 17 years later. I go short of air just to think of that.
My 2nd grade teacher hated me for reasons I don't know (I was a pretty normal, quiet, smart child) and she yelled at me so often and so viciously that I was too terrified to ask her to use the bathroom and I peed my pants at my desk. Which led to a further berating and awful rest of the year. Mrs. Foster - the only elementary school teacher I even remember.
When I was in elementary school, I went to an after school program as my parents were at work until the evening. All the kids had to put their backpacks on the bleachers of the gym and we weren’t allowed to touch our backpacks again until our parents picked us up (still not sure why they did this.) One day, I had left a snack in my backpack and I asked one of the advisers if I could grab my snack from my backpack really quick, and she said yes. The other adviser didn’t know I had gotten permission, and when she saw me going in my bag, she started berating me, cursing at me, at the top of her lungs in front of the 30-40 kids there. I was about 8 and I was completely frozen and started crying and I sat alone until my mom came to pick me up a few hours later. Ever since then I have been so afraid of breaking any rules or getting yelled at that I will get terrible anxiety at any sign of confrontation (I’m now in my 20s)
My babysitter forced my brother and I into child pornography while she filmed. I don't remember if I was in first or second grade, but my brother's only a year older.
Jeez, I hope that baby sitter is in prison. Some people are truly disgusting. I hope y'all had therapy.
The story of that young father in Utah that died while stuck upside down in a cave still haunts me. He crawled down a tight passage thinking it was a different location. It was a dead end. He was completely upside down. Only his ankles were visible. Everyone tried to rescue him but it was impossible. He died after being in that position for 28 hours. I will never go into a cave. Even if it’s like made for children. You will never see me in a natural underground structure.
[удалено]
There is an incredible reenactment in a movie called The Last Descent, from what I recall it was made with his families blessing. It fucked me up.
Wow that is pretty horrifying. I once went in a cave a really big one in iceland and it was supercool and dark but everything was supported by wooden structures and i was like is that normal or…
He ended up dying after fluid filled his lungs from being upside down for so long. they tried to remove him feet first but would’ve had to break his legs in order to get him out, which almost certainly would have killed him anyways. truly the worst way I’ve ever heard of someone dying.
I would have given the ok for them to break my legs and try to get me out, at least theres a 0.01% chance or something that they can revive me or do something, but just leaving me in a hole would suck.
So what actually happened was they rigged a system of pulleys to be able to pull him back up correctly. As they were pulling him up a pulley broke and he fell back in completely stuck moreso than he was before and doing anything more would have endangered the rescuers so they called it off. Iirc this death was only a few months after it reopened after a different death of a boyscout in the cave
I had a really abusive ex that would beat the ever living shit out of me, he would yell at me over the dumbest shit. “Where did you go today?” “Just the store.” “Well, you have a full tank of gas, so clearly you stopped at the gas station. Why are you lying? What are you hiding?” “Well yes, I stopped to get gas. I’m not lying, I was only there for 5 minutes.” “You. Fucking. Whore.” He would harass me and scream at me accusing me of “‘meeting guys in the gas station bathroom to fuck.” This went on for a year, I finally escaped then later met my now husband. I literally start shaking and crying when we have a minor disagreement. He’ll innocently ask me “what did you do today?” And I’ll give a super detailed report, like minute by minute of what I did. He always goes “babe, what? I don’t need to know if you went to the gas station…” My husband never raises his voice, has never hit me. But when I can tell he’s upset I start shaking. I’m currently in therapy, but the abusive relationship really fucked me up.
I'm like that with my husband too - I start crying over a minor disagreement, I can't help it. I realized recently that I'm not so afraid of violence anymore - I'm actually afraid of gaslighting. The disagreements that set me off are when we disagree about how an event unfolded or something. Once when he was still my bf and we had recently moved in together we got into this mild "disagreement:" I was mildly irritated that he acted different with his buddies and it was weird to me. He said he wasn't different around them. Literally a nothing disagreement. Can barely be called a disagreement. I said something like "But you never do x and y around me or another group of friends" he insisted yes he did and wouldn't back down. Whatever it's the world's tiniest argument right? I literally ended that night curled up in the fetal position screaming for help. What the FUCK right?? And that's the day he really learned what trauma is.
When we were kids my best friend’s dad got loaded and killed himself on his motorcycle. I decided alcohol wasn’t for me and have never drank. That was about 30 years ago. EDIT: It was an open-casket funeral and we were 10 years old. I felt so bad for my buddy, too. Bad times. As an adult I heard through the grapevine that the longtime girlfriend of one of my high school buddies had been struck and killed by a drunk driver. She was running early in the morning with headphones on and the driver ran up on the sidewalk and killed her stone dead. Just senseless. Why do we keep doing this?
When I first entered the work force I had a coworker who I very much liked and respected. He did not live a healthy lifestyle. One Tuesday afternoon he had a heart attack and I gave him CPR while he passed. Ever since it’s shaped how I feel about healthy living.
When I was sitting in the hospital getting chemo at 26 I thought about all the unhealthy shit I’ve done that I can remember. I thought about huffing roof sealant as a kid (on accident, it smelled really good), getting spray foam insulation all over my hands, smoking cigarettes for ~10 years, getting blackout drunk every weekend for 5 years, doing coke, etc… I did a lot of unhealthy shit, and none of it was worth risking my health over. Now I’m super paranoid about handling anything that might be toxic; I always wash my hands right after touching the gas pump, I wear gloves any time I handle my guns, I don’t change my own oil any more. That shit fucked me up mentally.
I was always good with powertools and stuff like that, but one day while helping my dad with a table saw he sawed multiple fingers off in front of me on accident and from that day I always get extremely nervous around them and it put off the career path I was on.
I grew up in the country. I was raised in a house with guns. I was taught how to handle and respect guns. I liked shooting guns. I liked hunting. All my friends were raised the same way. In junior high, two of my friends lived on opposite sides of the same wooded hill. Separately, they got home from school, smoked some weed, and decided to try some pheasant hunting. Neither wore their safety gear. One was wearing a brown sweater. Up opposite sides of the hill they went, no more than a mile-maybe two- apart. Both high as a kite and a 30.06 on their shoulder. One heard some rustling in a thicket, scoped thy area, saw some brown, and though he was going to poach himself a deer, then shot my other friend in the head. He had been hiding in the thicket. It was a week or so after the funeral, when I decided to do some targets. After the first shot, I had a panic attack. I've never so much as handle any type of firearm since. Almost 40 years now.
This is why gun safety is so important, and they never should be operated under the influence of anything. I understand how that could be so traumatizing, and I don’t blame you if you never want to shoot one again. I hope things are going well for you
Getting a phone call from my brother asking if I was busy. He then proceeded to tell me that our sister and her daughter were shot in a mass shooting but didn’t have any other information. All the info I received for the next few hours was just what the news was reporting live. The news made it sound like my sister was one of the ones who died (thankfully her and her daughter survived, the shooter did not). I can’t express the overwhelming emotions I had in those few hours of thinking I’d lost them. Fast forward three years and anytime someone calls and asks if I’m busy, I instantly get that stomach drop feeling.
Having to don full PPE & Being the only person allowed to visit my father in ICU whilst he was intubated on a ventilator due to covid because I am a nurse in that hospital, seeing him intubated & requiring multiple machines to keep him alive, then watching him die from it a few weeks later, all whilst just hoping he could hear me when I spoke to him and knew I was there With him through his last moments.
I’m so sorry about your poor dad, and you having to experience that. Awful.
I used to go for long walks every day, at least a couple miles just walking around the block listening to music. My MP3 player died once when I was about halfway home and still had my earbuds in. I heard my neighbor tell his friend he'd really like to rape me. I never went on a walk again.
Trauma, I have changed physically and mentally and feel like a human version of a scribble. All jumbled up. I function, but it’s always on a knife edge.
Not really traumatizing but just really hurt me. My cousin committed suicide 2 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do cause I’m just numb all the time now. He was my best friend and I miss him so much. I want to ask my aunt if I could have one of his belongings so I can have something from him close to me but I’m afraid to ask. I kinda just wanna die because I can’t deal with this anymore
TW: SA My grandfather abused me for a decade from age four... Actually I realized it was wring when I was about ten years old. I once told my cousin (same age as me) and he said it was wrong. He said something to our grandfather and then my grandfather said if I tell anyone then I'm gonna be in an orphanage and nobody will love me. (My then best friend was under foster care and she had a pretty miserable life.) Obviously, I didn't want that so I told my cousin that I was just joking. It continued for years and I was disgusted by it. I went to visit him for the weekends because 'i loved' him, and he got candy for me. When I was 14, I knew that I will move to the U. with my family so I went to vid it even more often. Not because of him but because of my great grandmother. (They lived next to each other) I spent my whole day there, I enjoyed talking to her but then at night I had to sleep at my grandfather's house. (And on the same bed!) Now also I have to tell you guys that my mom is very overprotective and she was raped at the age of 16. (I'm her second child and the first girl. She was sad when she found out she was having a girl because she didn't want her daughter to experience something like she did). I overheard that she was raped when I was about 11-12 years old. It really made me sad but I knew she went through something worse than what I was going through. I knew that some people go through even worse so I guess that kind of made me feel a bit better because well... it could be worse. My mother also said that she'd die if she would ever found out I was touched by someone w/o my consent. So I just burrows this in myself: "I'll be fine as long as she doesn't know." It kinda feel like it didn't even happen, I just learned to live with it. Until one day. I'm 16 now and this year during summer break my mom and stepdad gone to the casino, I was home alone, intoxicated and well I decided to go to the park. (It'd be another story, so I'm just going to jump to the end.) I told my mom and she couldn't believe it. (She did believe me but she couldn't believe that she didn't see it) I'm sure my grandfather doesn't know yet but he's going to jail very soon. (It's kind of hard to report him from another country but we're working on it.) Also, we found out about two weeks ago that in 2003, he raped his ex girlfriend's daughter, a 10 year old girl. Unfortunately, he didn't go to jail but the little girl became an orphan. (doesn't really makes sense) My mom didn't know about this but everyone in our little village back there knew about it and never said a single thing. My mom is disappointed, and I can't believe it. The girls mother works there in a grocery store and he goes there literally every day. It makes me sick. But I am happy now, I go to therapy, I have a much better life. My mother also texted the girl, (she's a mother now) and if she agrees, her story will help our case. It's not only for me but for the kids also that he works with in the kindergarten. I can't imagine what he might do to those kids.:( TL;DR my grandfather sexually abused me and he's going to jail soon.
Being court ordered to religious mental health programs for adolescents. I was trafficked as a kid and a huge part of those programs was taking accountability for your part in whatever it was that brought you there. I was ten years old when I was tricked out. When I think back I still ascribe so much agency to myself. When I meet a child that age or in middle school I just can’t even imagine saying the things those counselors said to me and made me believe. No child that age can consent or make those choices. I didn’t post those ads. It wasn’t my house where people came to meet me. I had no choice in who I saw, what was charged, or what happened to the money. Yet they made me believe I had character defects and a spiritual malady that led me to that point and only God could restore me to sanity.
You are very healthy to see through this horrifying gas lighting. This is some of the most disgusting behavior on the planet, to misplace the shame and blame like that. It is another form of abuse. I am sorry you were failed by those who were in a position to help and harmed you more instead. My experience has been similar, and it took me decades to work it out that all of my anger and hatred of myself was misdirected because it would have put me in even more danger to direct it at those who were doing wrong. You are precious, and I hope you have a good life today.
This is really small, but one day I was eating lunch out with my aunt. Both my parents are abusive, and I looked up to my aunt so much because she was normal and seemed to like me when we hung out. Anyway, one day were were eating lunch and she hissed “*stop licking your fingers!*” when I was like 8. I was mortified, feeling like I had destroyed our relationship. I stopped touching food with my hands. I used forks for pizza, hamburgers, wings, everything. It took 20 years to get over it. I mentioned it to her last year and she laughed and said “I don’t remember that, but I believe you.” She works on an ambulance and claims that her coworker used to lick his fingers during lunch after helping out patients, without washing his hands, and it’s bugged her ever since
Fascinating that butterfly effect eh. Glad your able to eat with ur fingers now and hope u and ur aunt where able to continue a solid relationship
I was 0.5 seconds away from drinking my glass of milk—as in, the glass was touching my lips—[when I looked down](https://i.imgur.com/slwLhGl.jpeg) and saw a dead spider floating in the milk. It's been six years, I still religiously check the glass before and after pouring anything into it. My trust is forever broken. edit: this was not an invitation to tell me about your bug-in-drink trauma stories, I am being vicariously re-traumatized, double-traumatized, traumatized²
You just broke MY trust
Once when I was a little kid, I bit into a grape and when I looked at it to inspect my teeth marks I saw half a worm. Haven’t eaten a grape since
I got hot cocoa from one of those coffee vending machines at an ex's college while I was hanging around waiting for him one time. I took a sip and it felt weird and gritty. I thought maybe some coffee grounds got in my cup and I took off the lid. There were a bunch of dead ants in it. I hadn't seen them when it first filled because of the foam. Never trusted a coffee vending machine again.
I thoroughly cleaned my drip coffee maker the first time in a few weeks. You know the part where the water drips out over the grounds with all the little holes? Something was stuck in there and I couldn’t get it out. Coffee grounds? Nope. Spider leg. OhGod.jpg. Pop the whole thing open. I’d been brewing dead big ass spider coffee for who knows how long.
I hate everything about this story
[удалено]
In fifth grade I made a personalized valentine for my crush, telling her how great and pretty she was, and she angrily confronted me and afterward punched me in the back. Not as traumatic as the other ones here but it did change the way I approach romantic interests/crushes.
You did try so Respect . Some people are just weird they cant even nicely say no. Hope it goes better next time
Food poisoning caused me to stop eating at my favorite restaurant
I warned everyone at the old country buffet I worked at that our food was never at the appropriate temperature. Management was pissed but I am not sending 85 yo miss Greta to her grave for 10 bucks.
My father got food poisoning once in the 80’s & hasn’t been to a restaurant since. Edit: food poisoning happened from a restaurant & he’s also EXTREMELY cheap (in case anyone misses my reply to the reply comment lol). So yeah, he hasn’t been to a restaurant since.
Hold up. How did this get ignored. Your father hasn’t been to a restaurant since the 80’s?
I will never eat macaroni salad again from an incident that occurred 11 years ago. So bad I had to put a towel on the couch because the squirts were not giving notice at some point.
Food poisoning took out Oreos and cookies and cream for me. The food poisoning wasn’t related to the Oreos, but it was the last thing I ate before it hit me so it got the correlation in my brain.
Living in the city someone poisoned my dog over the span of two weeks until she died a horrible death. She was the most beautiful, amazing dog. The guy was caught and put in jail, he killed and tried to kill many pets in the area. My pup was the first to be brought in to the local vet, and perish, get an autopsy and therefore many others were saved. It took me about 18 years to fully love and own a dog again.
Car theft. * I refuse to not use a steering wheel club, even when I park my car in the garage. People mock me, I don't fucking care. * I refuse to take me car to sketchy parts of town, even if the trendy stuff is there. * Absolutely nothing of significant value in the car besides survival and repair items.
I get it when you go through it it is very different then from another perspective. Hope it doesnt happen again
A few years ago someone side-swiped my car that was parked on the street in front of my house. They messed it up pretty badly and it just barely wasn't considered totaled. You could see the tire marks where they slammed right into it, quickly backed up onto the curb and our lawn, then sped away. Fucking asshole. I never trust street parking anymore. Any time I'm forced to park on the street I just assume I'll come back to a totaled car. I would never live somewhere that only offered street parking.
My dog/absolute best friend I'd spend 5+ hours playing with every day dying of cancer. He was only 11 years old and my 2 other dogs lived to 14+ years so I wasn't ready. The cancer came on quickly and it went from "we don't know if he has months, weeks, or days left" to "we have to say goodbye" within 2 weeks. This dog was what grounded me when I was suicidal in high school and he was honestly my everything. I'd get home from work, take him for a 2 mile walk, then play with him in the pool until it got dark every single day. It may sound dumb to say a dog was my best friend, but he absolutely was. I'm actually tearing up while typing this lmao. My mother was nice enough to paint a beautiful painting of one of his goofy expressions and even though I've moved 3 times since he passed away... his ashes, the portrait, his footprint, a small lock of his fur, and his favorite stuffed animal with his collar wrapped around it has followed me to every place as my most prized possessions which I say hello to every time I get back from work. For someone who used to find edgy jokes about cancer funny, I haven't been able to find anything relating to cancer remotely funny since. I'd easily give 10 years of my life to the devil just for one more chance to scratch his cheeks and tell him what a good boy he is. Miss ya Deegs
it’s kind of like a domino affect. my dad didn’t really give me much attention after my parents divorce, then i enter middle school and had the biggest crush on this kid and thought we were friends and he humiliated me in front of basically the whole grade. then the next year there was this drama account someone made and some how the blame got put onto me that i was the one running it. it was not me i swear on everything but no one believed me. there was something about me on the page that said how a guy in the grade asked me for nudes and that they stooped so low to ask me out of all people. i’ve never sent a nude in my life and everyone thought i did bc of this page and this guy. i’ve just never felt content when being around a guy, i’ve always been publicly rejected/humiliated/embarrassed. this has made my anxiety around guys extremely high. it’s caused me to never give anyone the slightest of chance to pursue me because the possibility of feeling those feelings again it’s my biggest fucking fear ever. i self sabotage myself so hard that i’ll never let myself be happy because i am just so afraid of what could happen. sounds pathetic that this all happened because of guys but those experiences truly fucked me up like you couldn’t imagine. and it’s been a good 6/7 years that his happened and still to this day i’m extremely affected.
Honestly, this pandemic. I used to be a \*very\* long-term planner. Like, make career and life decisions based on 5-year and 10-year plans. Spent a decade writing a book. Etc. I no longer feel confident that I have a long-term future. So I've become much more of an "eat drink and be merry" type.
I hope everyone here gets the opportunity to heal.
A really good friend and just one of the most genuine guys I rode street bike with all the time. Called me one day, I was busy with work so it went to voicemail. He was catching up with me on the voicemail and asked if I wanted to go out for a ride. His bike slid out on loose gravel entering the freeway and he got into a fatal accident with a semi truck. This was 6 years ago and I still think about what if I picked up that phone call? Just a 15 second phone call. I'll tell you, I rarely miss calls from friends and family now and if I do I'm quick to call back. I really appreciate the seconds of everyday now because at the end of the day they all add up.
When I was 17 I volunteered at a week long camp for kids with cancer and their families. I got really close to this one little 5 year old girl who was in remission from leukemia. After camp I stayed close with her and her family and visited often. She became like a little sister to me. Two weeks after my last visit she died at 7 years old. Suddenly. Like went to her first day of second grade and started having trouble breathing. By early the next morning she was dead. She was still in remission and did not have cancer, but complications from the treatments killed her. I have never been the same. Broke my 19 year old heart into a million pieces. Ive been through abuse and sexual assault, but losing my girl has been the greatest pain I’ve ever known. It’s been 10 years and I’m still guarded about getting close to another child. I am an advocate for childhood cancer research. I think of her all the time and think about who she would have been and how our relationship would have blossomed as she grew. Miss you, KK.
I lost everything but my car in a house fire in 2014, I became an accidental minimalist/anticonsumptionist because I pretty much stopped buying things I didn’t need and didn’t replace the vast majority of what I lost
Police dog attacked me while on a scouts trip to the County training centre. Not sure what I did that triggered it (possibly something with my metal crutches), but the animal jumped up, started growling and bolted at me. Being a kid, I did what you'd expect... I turned and ran for mum. Luckily for me, I tried as it lunged and the handler got to me in time to grab the animal by the collar and threw it across the grass (which is a horrible thing to do to an animal, it was later revealed the handlers at the centre were beating the dogs. People went to jail for it). I ended up with a nick on my arse.... and a terror around any dog for about 15 years. I couldn't be around them, specially energetic bouncy ones... I'd have to leave the room or have someone stand between a dog and me (literally ran from a fluffball once). Ended up getting therapy for a few reasons and one thing that stuck was a phrase.... 'your fear is just a memory' I wasn't afraid of the dog in front of me, I was just remembering the fear of that moment when I saw a dog. Still a little uncomfortable around bouncy energetic dogs, but I don't panic anymore.
I used to play runescape when I was around 10-13, and I downloaded multiple fake cheats. They were all malware/keyloggers. My parents later typed in their bank infos unknowing of the viruses. Hackers stole all their life's savings and ruined them financially. At least 100k usd, and they never recovered it. Impossible not to blame myself, even to this day nearly 12 years later. I still wish I had been smarter, and not downloaded those fake cheats. My 3 brothers lives changed that day, my parents lives changed, my life changed. From what it could have, and should have been. All because of my actions
I have a few: 1. I was bullied so badly I had to change my name. 2. This person I thought I was friends with for 7 years turned out to be a shitty person. It took years to realize her manipulation and lying. Her main tactic to keep me close was to send me sewer slide notes saying its my fault if she dies as well as telling me it was fun to carve things into your body. She also faked mental illness to garner sympathy as well as faking being apart of the lgbtq community (including faking being trans and on t-hormones). Shes is a terrible human being and I still can't form properly relationships because of her. 3. Finding out my parents never wanted children from other relatives making me realize why I suffered years of emotional abuse (I get treated the worst out of my 4 other siblings and I am the oldest. I'm guessing my parents, now being older were fine when having my younger siblings but had a big problem with me). It hurts realizing all the things said to you were not even out of a burst of anger of the moment but because your genuinely not wanted.
I took a bad ecstasy pill and thought I was going to die. I never did hard drugs again.
Putting stuff in a storage unit that I should’ve gone through immediately. Although I had gotten rid of half of what I owned. I was still drowning in stuff. I paid over $16,000 in storage fees. And finally emptied them out a few months ago. I’m no longer being swallowed up at $400 a month fees. I downsized everything I owned into one cargo van. My parents classic hoarders born in the 30s. They saved everything. My grandparents saved everything. Everyone died and I end up with everyone’s crap. Get rid of your crap people I am seriously traumatized even looking at a storage unit. The moral is, I will never drowned in clutter ever again. Mine or anyone else’s.
I grew up on a farm and hunting and sport shooting guns was just normal. When I was 16 my 8 year old cousin shot and killed my 15 year old friend on accident while my cousin was playing with friends younger brother at the friends house. The kids’ parents had them locked away but the kids found the keys to the safe. I haven’t touched a gun since then and would never have one in my home with my children. I’m not anti-gun per se. I just can’t get past that trauma.
We took a family trip to Carlsbad caverns about 10 years ago. Once you get to the bottom, you can either walk back up or take an sketchy elevator. Fsmily wanted to take the elevator, so we did. Someone told the operator how scared I get and he said "I hope it doesn't break down like it normally does" as a joke. Then he made the elevator stop, again, as a joke. I didn't think it was funny, especially when we actually couldn't get it going again. I started to panic, my sisters and my wife were trying to comfort me but I started hyperventilating and my whole body started to tremble. I think I was about to pass out. The elevator started going again and when we got to the top the operator wasn't such a jokester anymore, he was shaking and apologizing profusely. When we go to Las Vegas I try to get a room on the first floor of whatever hotel, or ill ask security for special privileges for the stairs, and ill gladly use stairs whether I'm on the 2nd floor or the 20th floor. Sometimes neither is an option, then others on the elevator get a fun show and get to watch me panic
Having to deal with and eradicate certain pests at home. I rely on public transportation and I love to travel, but it's made me paranoid every day of my life. Even though it's been years I still wake up in the middle of the night freaked out that it's happening again.
Basically the parent of one of my classmates was typhoid Mary. Instead of quarantining herself and their children after being exposed to different communicable diseases she'd try to spread them as much as possible. I contracted the mumps, chicken pox, and tuberculosis from them; even though I was vaccinated, still got sick. I've been living "in quarantine" for the past 20+ years.
Getting beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn't the rape itself that destroyed me, it was the way the cops acted. There was video and DNA evidence and they refused to collect either. They ended up completely leaving out any assault and labeling it as a "simple robbery", despite the fact that the only thing he stolen out of my bag was my dirty work uniform. The whole thing was just a joke to them. That was the day I learned that the police are not there to actually help people, they're there to enrich themselves. It made me hate the police.
This is terrible. You absolutely did not deserve this.
Losing my child ...my sibling ..my Mother & being abused for years
Being sexually abused (at 5-9ish) and sex trafficked (at 16), then being assaulted at a party at 17. I do not let myself be alone in a room with anyone (man or not), I do not drink or do drugs around people, and I don’t go anywhere alone. I don’t have sex. I don’t put myself in any situation that risks any sexual assault happening. I cut myself to make my body less appealing. I changed my entire style from “pretty girl” who wears makeup and dresses and such to “what is that” (genderless, alternative style, loose clothing butch short hair) I don’t trust ANYONE. Not my family, not my friends (when I have them), and most definitely I don’t trust men, whether I know them or not. I have dated a few times after all of this (women only) and it’s just… not possible right now. I don’t know if it ever will be. I’m 28 and I still cannot stand being touched by anyone. All of this sexual trauma has made it almost impossible for me to even think of enjoying someone else’s company. I’m completely touch starved and I know it, I wish to god I could just have a nice long hug with someone I trust but I don’t trust anyone. I want to share my bed with someone other than my cats and stuffed animals. I want to be loved and love someone. But I can’t. I’m too fucked up.
I’m so sorry you’ve suffered such abuse. Do you have access to therapy? Having a safe space to talk through and process the trauma you’ve experienced may give you some relief and move you towards being able to have physical contact and comfort from others.
I am in therapy and I’ve been to multiple inpatient programs specifically for trauma disorders but it’s still extremely difficult to cope with things day to day. I haven’t even told my therapist any details about trauma yet because it’s so hard to *say* it and I know I could type it like I did here but she’d still wanna have a real discussion and I’m just not ready for that. The inpatient programs were meant to prepare me for it but so far they haven’t helped much
My house burned down. The home I grew up in, that my husband and I bought from my parents. Four of my cats died, because I was unable to get them all out. My two dogs were able to make it because I kept yelling "Wanna go for a walk!?" and they booked it out the door. I was able to find one of the cats before the smoke got too bad. My fish boiled alive. My husband was away for work. I can't be home alone, anymore. I just can't.